Speaker 1: In an unhealthy relationship, people argue about each other. You're
Speaker 1: the one getting everything wrong. You're the one who needs
Speaker 1: to take responsibility. You're the one to blame. You don't
Speaker 1: get anything right. You are wasting my time. You have
Speaker 1: lied to me. We think that the other person is
Speaker 1: our enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change,
Speaker 1: when actually the biggest thing is we need to argue
Speaker 1: about the issue. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
Speaker 1: the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to
Speaker 1: each and every one of you that come back every
Speaker 1: week to listen, learn, and grow. I am so deeply
Speaker 1: looking forward to sharing this week's episode with you. I
Speaker 1: have been blown away. I've bumped into so many of
Speaker 1: you recently, whether I'm walking around town or even whether
Speaker 1: it's on my travels, and truly it has been so
Speaker 1: wonderful to hear your stories and journeys with the podcast.
Speaker 1: But until I bump into you, I'm going to keep
Speaker 1: reading reviews. And this one is from sun Jay. I've
Speaker 1: never seen you in real life, yet every time I
Speaker 1: hear your voice, I feel as if a good, loving
Speaker 1: friend is coming to give me the support I need.
Speaker 1: I can feel the love in your voice and your
Speaker 1: words have been helping me so much through my healing journey.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being you and sharing all
Speaker 1: this amazing knowledge and love with us. That message just
Speaker 1: melted my heart. Thank you so much for saying that.
Speaker 1: It means the world to me that you can hear
Speaker 1: and feel how passionate I am about everything I do
Speaker 1: through this podcast. This one is from Nicole Jay. Your
Speaker 1: episodes are always very impactful. Every morning, my two year
Speaker 1: old daughter, my newborn son, and I listen to your podcast.
Speaker 1: It's always very inspiring and motivating to listen to advice
Speaker 1: and for my kids to listen to impactful words. Keep
Speaker 1: being an inspiration to all. Thank you so so much,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to read one more. So difficult to pick.
Speaker 1: There's so many amazing ones here. I really really appreciate it.
Speaker 1: This one is from Dan Wow. Jay. Each episode hits
Speaker 1: in a different way, but always exactly what I need.
Speaker 1: You're an absolute genius. I really appreciate that. Thank you.
Speaker 1: I've got to express enough how grateful I am for
Speaker 1: you serving your community with on purpose. You've opened my
Speaker 1: eyes to many new concepts and reminded me of things
Speaker 1: I already knew but forgot along the way. This podcast
Speaker 1: is an essential part of my growth journey and has
Speaker 1: become a habit to listen to weekly. Thank you, Dan.
Speaker 1: I know that one goes on further, and I just
Speaker 1: want to say I am just blessed to have an
Speaker 1: amazing community like you. I don't take each of you
Speaker 1: for granted at all. I feel the opposite. I feel
Speaker 1: humbled and grateful that I get to spend this time
Speaker 1: with you. And today's theme is all about the relationship
Speaker 1: habits of successful and happy couples. Now, whether you're single,
Speaker 1: whether you just started dating, whether you've been in a
Speaker 1: relationship for a few years, or whether you're in a
Speaker 1: really long term relationship, this podcast applies to you because
Speaker 1: these rules, these habits are things that we have to
Speaker 1: continue to nurture. Maybe some of these are going to
Speaker 1: be new discoveries, maybe some of them are going to
Speaker 1: be refining what you already know, and maybe some of
Speaker 1: them are just going to be things you're already doing.
Speaker 1: But it's so important to create that assurance in our lives. Now.
Speaker 1: As always, I'll be sharing the science behind some of
Speaker 1: these reasons as well, because I really believe it's important
Speaker 1: to give you some research to back some of these ideas,
Speaker 1: but I also will be sharing stories as I love
Speaker 1: to do, and I'll be giving you strategies and steps
Speaker 1: along the way so that you can actually put these
Speaker 1: into your life. So if you're ready, I'm going to
Speaker 1: start on the first one. And the first one is
Speaker 1: respect their values even if they have different values. Respect
Speaker 1: their values even if they have different values. That is
Speaker 1: a really interesting concept. You do not have to value
Speaker 1: what they value. You don't have to value the same
Speaker 1: thing or same things. You don't even have to have
Speaker 1: the same values. Now, I do want to add a
Speaker 1: caveat that, if someone is doing something completely against your values,
Speaker 1: of course that is a time to leave. That is
Speaker 1: a time to move on. But overall, we're often told
Speaker 1: that couples have things in common and they like the
Speaker 1: same things, and they like to do the same things,
Speaker 1: and of course that is all helpful and useful, But
Speaker 1: the truth is that as time goes on, you start
Speaker 1: to realize you have a lot more differences than you
Speaker 1: had in the first month, and it's really important to
Speaker 1: remember to respect their values even if they have different values.
Speaker 1: The best thing to do here is to write down
Speaker 1: a list of your top three values and ask the
Speaker 1: person to write down a top three list of their values.
Speaker 1: What are the three things that matter to them most
Speaker 1: in the world. And you could do one for people
Speaker 1: and the other for projects or things in their life,
Speaker 1: or passions or hobbies or interests. So if someone asked
Speaker 1: me what were my three values in life? Of course
Speaker 1: my people would include rather my family, my sister, and
Speaker 1: my spiritual teachers. And if I was to look at
Speaker 1: my three priorities in my life from a professional point
Speaker 1: of view, would be my purpose, which I get to
Speaker 1: share with you all the time. It would also be
Speaker 1: time alone is something that I really value and prioritize.
Speaker 1: And I would also add to that football. I love soccer.
Speaker 1: I'm addicted to it. I wish I could watch it more,
Speaker 1: I wish I could play it more. But it is
Speaker 1: a big passion in my life. And so understanding those
Speaker 1: values is really key because you start realizing that your
Speaker 1: partner is not going to value your values. They just
Speaker 1: have to respect them, and you don't have to value
Speaker 1: their values, You just have to respect them. When you
Speaker 1: show respect in this way, it is received more deeply.
Speaker 1: What does it mean to respect someone's values? It means
Speaker 1: that you want to help them prioritize those things. It
Speaker 1: means you want to help them give more energy and
Speaker 1: emphasis to those things. What we try and do is
Speaker 1: we try and steal our partner's attention away from their priorities,
Speaker 1: and we want to be their priority. We want to
Speaker 1: be everything to them, and so we're trying to steal
Speaker 1: their attention often away from what's really important to them
Speaker 1: because we want to be more important to them. What
Speaker 1: we don't realize is their passion is what makes them
Speaker 1: who they are. Their priorities is what makes them who
Speaker 1: they are. That person becomes more lovable, they become more
Speaker 1: attractive when they feel full. Now, of course you have
Speaker 1: to be mindful, is their passion an excuse to avoid
Speaker 1: time with you, is their interest in another person or
Speaker 1: people because they don't enjoy time with you. This is
Speaker 1: something you have to clarify and communicate. It's not something
Speaker 1: you assume. Often we assume when people choose to spend
Speaker 1: time late in the office that it's because they don't
Speaker 1: value us. We take that as an indication as a sign,
Speaker 1: when actually, if you ask them, they may say when actually,
Speaker 1: I'm working late in the office because I want to
Speaker 1: save up more for a vacation this year, or I've
Speaker 1: been doing overtime because I want to be able to
Speaker 1: take a bit of a break for the family this year.
Speaker 1: Now you may say, well, they should have asked me
Speaker 1: as well, if that's what I care about. Maybe I
Speaker 1: don't care about that. Maybe I do care about them
Speaker 1: coming home from work early. But don't be the one
Speaker 1: to assume. Don't be the one to allow that to
Speaker 1: just go on. Otherwise we get into this battle of well,
Speaker 1: you did this, so I did this, so I didn't ask,
Speaker 1: and you didn't ask, and guess what, a few years
Speaker 1: later we feel really truly disconnected. So be that person
Speaker 1: who says, hey, I want to understand this a bit more.
Speaker 1: I want to get a heap of thought around this.
Speaker 1: Can you please explain to me why you've been going
Speaker 1: to the office lake. Can you please tell me a
Speaker 1: bit about what you're working on. What are you excited about.
Speaker 1: When we ask questions that don't have judgment and don't
Speaker 1: have guilt in built into a question, we actually get
Speaker 1: better answers. If you ask someone why are you always
Speaker 1: late from work? What's going to happen? They're on the defensive.
Speaker 1: They're not feeling a sense of respect, and now you
Speaker 1: actually don't get a good response. You may actually trigger
Speaker 1: a reaction within them and you don't get the right
Speaker 1: answerhereas if you said, hey, what have you been working
Speaker 1: on late at the office? Anything exciting, and they may say, Hey,
Speaker 1: I've just been trying to stay because I just want
Speaker 1: to make a bit of money. I just want to
Speaker 1: save up a bit more this year, or I've been
Speaker 1: really nervous about my job and I'm scared that people
Speaker 1: are being made redundant or losing their promotions. So I
Speaker 1: just want to make sure that doesn't happen to us.
Speaker 1: When you ask a question, we trust you receive a
Speaker 1: true answer. When you ask a question in built with
Speaker 1: guilt a judgment, you don't get an answer that truly
Speaker 1: helps you. So respect their values, even if they have
Speaker 1: different values. The second principle I want to share with
Speaker 1: you today, and this is a simple one and you've
Speaker 1: probably heard it before, and it's something we don't do
Speaker 1: enough of, is try to notice the small things. We
Speaker 1: think it's about the big birthday party, we think it's
Speaker 1: about the big weekend away we save up to make
Speaker 1: Christmas really special, but we forget to thank someone for
Speaker 1: the beautiful breakfast they made us this morning. We forget
Speaker 1: to notice that someone looks incredible today. We forget to
Speaker 1: notice that someone put away our mess. It's these little things,
Speaker 1: these small moments on a day to day basis, that
Speaker 1: define the quality of a relationship. A relationship is not
Speaker 1: defined by grand gestures of love. It's defined by the
Speaker 1: ability to notice and spot the tiniest moments of brilliance,
Speaker 1: the smallest exchanges of love and emotion, the fact that
Speaker 1: someone sat there and listen to you. These are the
Speaker 1: things that every single human yearns for. Now, if you're
Speaker 1: doing all of this and someone still expecting you to
Speaker 1: do the big stuff and not feeling loved because you
Speaker 1: don't do the big, grand gestures, you've got to really
Speaker 1: look at that and think whether you want to be
Speaker 1: in that relationship. But chances are most of us are
Speaker 1: trying to make up for the fact that we miss
Speaker 1: the small things by doing the big things. We think, well,
Speaker 1: if I do this big thing, it will I are
Speaker 1: now all the small mistakes right. It will take care
Speaker 1: of all the small challenges that I've done that I
Speaker 1: haven't done, all the things that I missed out from tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I want you to start thanking your partner for one
Speaker 1: thing a day, just one thing. It doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be everything, it doesn't have to be every moment. It
Speaker 1: just has to be one thing a day. Get into
Speaker 1: that habit and make it a different thing every day.
Speaker 1: Don't make it the same thing. When we lived as monks,
Speaker 1: we used to have to walk around this pathway and
Speaker 1: every day we'd be asked to find something new. One
Speaker 1: day we had to find a new stone. The next
Speaker 1: day we had to find another stone. The next day
Speaker 1: we had to find a flower, and the next day
Speaker 1: another flower. And in this way we trained our mind
Speaker 1: to walk the same path, but find a new stone
Speaker 1: every day. Isn't this what we have to do in
Speaker 1: our relationships. We have to sit with the same person,
Speaker 1: we have to eat with the same person, we sleep
Speaker 1: with the same person, but we notice something new. That
Speaker 1: practice of mindfulness actually improves our brain, it improves our emotions.
Speaker 1: It's easy to find new in new It's challenging and
Speaker 1: beautiful to find new in the old or the familiar,
Speaker 1: and actually that keeps our experience ever fresh. The third
Speaker 1: thing that I want you to do, which is a
Speaker 1: huge one of successful couples is that they encourage, not
Speaker 1: discourage each other. RADI is so fun to watch right now.
Speaker 1: She has so many amazing projects coming away, so many
Speaker 1: exciting opportunities. And as someone who's been in this world
Speaker 1: for a while now, it's very easy to be cynical.
Speaker 1: And I know this where I've had excitement and enthusiasm
Speaker 1: about certain things. But I know people have been in
Speaker 1: the industry far longer than I have and their cynical.
Speaker 1: So sometimes rather we'll share an idea with me and
Speaker 1: I have to stop my cynicism, have to be excited
Speaker 1: for her, I have to be enthusiastic. I can warn her,
Speaker 1: I can be conscious, I can be cautious about it.
Speaker 1: But often what we try and do is we try
Speaker 1: and discourage people because we've had a bad experience. We
Speaker 1: try and discourage our partner because we want to show
Speaker 1: them that we know more, we've thought about it. We
Speaker 1: try to discourage our partner because we see their bumbling enthusiasm,
Speaker 1: but we think that they're not smart enough, or they're
Speaker 1: not organized enough, or they're not planned enough. Let's start
Speaker 1: to truly encourage our partners when they receive an opportunity.
Speaker 1: When we don't encourage. When we don't celebrate, When we
Speaker 1: don't recognize how beautiful and powerful this opportunity is, we're
Speaker 1: actually taking away love and connection out of our relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that we have to celebrate every tiny thing,
Speaker 1: but how often do we discourage our partners because we
Speaker 1: don't feel comfortable about something they're doing. How often are
Speaker 1: we not celebratory because we feel we haven't celebrated ourselves.
Speaker 1: Sometimes we think, well, why are they so excited about that?
Speaker 1: I mean, I didn't more than that, and I didn't
Speaker 1: get excited about it. Why are they so excited about it?
Speaker 1: Start from tomorrow. When your partner says something to you,
Speaker 1: allow yourself to move aside your projection, your prediction. Be encouraging,
Speaker 1: being enthusiastic. Of course, share the insight, of course, share
Speaker 1: what you think they need to know in this process,
Speaker 1: but don't let your ego get in the way of
Speaker 1: truly encouraging them. Our ego stops us from encouraging the
Speaker 1: people we love. Our ego blocks us from encouraging the
Speaker 1: people we love. We try to warn them and we're saying, well,
Speaker 1: we're doing it for them, but really, there's a part
Speaker 1: of us. That's warning ourselves as well. The fourth principle
Speaker 1: is having a balance between time together, time alone, time
Speaker 1: with your friends, and time with collective friends. Notice how
Speaker 1: there is a lot going on there. So in an
Speaker 1: average week and average month, we're going to have to
Speaker 1: spend time alone. We have to spend time of each other.
Speaker 1: We have time with our own friends, and we have
Speaker 1: time with friends together. Now when I think about this,
Speaker 1: I start thinking of ratios that may be helpful. So
Speaker 1: let's take a week, and of course, in a week,
Speaker 1: you're not going to do all of these things, but
Speaker 1: giving you an idea, Let's say in a week, you
Speaker 1: spend one night alone. That's really healthy to have one
Speaker 1: night for yourself. You can use it to do whatever
Speaker 1: you want. It maybe to play games. It maybe to
Speaker 1: read a book. It maybe to watch your favorite TV show.
Speaker 1: It maybe to be working late. You get one night
Speaker 1: to yourself. Then you spend three nights together. Three nights
Speaker 1: are connected time. Maybe you watch a show together, maybe
Speaker 1: you go for a walk, maybe you go to the gym,
Speaker 1: maybe you play a game. We have three nights that
Speaker 1: are dedicated to each other. You have two nights that
Speaker 1: you spend with collective friends. Couples that you enjoy time with.
Speaker 1: Now there's something really important here. Studies show that couples
Speaker 1: that are friends with other people who are in a
Speaker 1: happy relationships. This was research and interviews done by the
Speaker 1: University of Maryland that found that healthy couple friendships have
Speaker 1: potential to make relationships more exciting and more fulfilling by
Speaker 1: increasing attraction, providing a greater understanding of men and women
Speaker 1: in general. So it gives you perspective and allowing partners
Speaker 1: to observe the way other couples interact and negotiate differences.
Speaker 1: It did go on to say that topics like sex
Speaker 1: and money were less comfortable to be discussed in these arenas,
Speaker 1: and those were more for personal interactions, but other conversation
Speaker 1: topics flourished in these happy couple scenarios. And finally, you
Speaker 1: may have one day a week that you spend with
Speaker 1: your own friends. Now this is just a sample of
Speaker 1: what I'm sharing with you. So in a week, you
Speaker 1: spend one day alone, you spend three days together, two
Speaker 1: days with friends that you know evenings, and then one
Speaker 1: day with your own friends right apart. And this creates
Speaker 1: a great sense of a system or structure. What I
Speaker 1: like about this is your partner is naturally the priority
Speaker 1: for those three days in a week, three out of
Speaker 1: seven days are dedicated to your partner, but you also
Speaker 1: get one day to decompressed by yourself. You get two
Speaker 1: days to be with collective friends, so you're still together,
Speaker 1: but you're getting to experience other people's energy, and then
Speaker 1: you get one day to be with your own friend
Speaker 1: to decompress in a different way. This is just a sample,
Speaker 1: and I'm recommending it because it starts giving you a
Speaker 1: flow of how to think about it. Often we feel
Speaker 1: that prioritizing our relationship means we have to be together
Speaker 1: six days a week, have to be together five days
Speaker 1: a week. But often that actually starts becoming boring. We
Speaker 1: run out of ideas, we run out of things to do,
Speaker 1: we run out of energy to bring to the relationship.
Speaker 1: Creating diversity in our weeks, months, and years allows for
Speaker 1: us to actually bring more back to our relationships. We
Speaker 1: have to go and borrow ideas, borrow energy, feel that
Speaker 1: contagious spirit, and bring it back into our relationship. Now,
Speaker 1: the fifth step that successful and happy couples do is
Speaker 1: that they argue about the issue, not each other, in
Speaker 1: an unhealthy relationship. People argue about each other. You're the
Speaker 1: one getting everything wrong. You're the one who needs to
Speaker 1: take responsibility. You're the one to blame. You don't get
Speaker 1: anything right. You are wasting my time. You have lied
Speaker 1: to me. We think that the other person is our
Speaker 1: enemy and we're fighting about them needing to change, when
Speaker 1: actually the biggest thing is we need to talk about
Speaker 1: the issue. We need to argue about the issue. Julie
Speaker 1: Gerner is a doctor of psychology, and she recommends that
Speaker 1: we keep the fights fair. She says, when you fight fair,
Speaker 1: you keep your dispute focused on the topic without devolving
Speaker 1: into personal attacks. So if you're arguing about money and
Speaker 1: how money is used, it's not about how the other
Speaker 1: person uses money, it's about how you both should want
Speaker 1: to use money. Right. If you're arguing about the cleanliness
Speaker 1: and the home, it's not just about the other person's
Speaker 1: cleanliness standards, because you probably have a challenge too, but
Speaker 1: it's about what level of standard you want to create
Speaker 1: together to create the right movement forward and arguing is
Speaker 1: necessary and healthy. There's a great book called You Are
Speaker 1: Not Crazy. Letters from your Therapist, and in it it's
Speaker 1: as similar to working out a muscle. If you can
Speaker 1: effectively survive tears in your marriage and then repair them,
Speaker 1: then it makes the relationship stronger. Most of us think, well,
Speaker 1: I can't be bothered to repair this tear, But it's
Speaker 1: the repairing of the tear that actually makes it stronger.
Speaker 1: So if you've had a few tears, don't throw it away,
Speaker 1: don't write it off. You can still repair that relationship. Now,
Speaker 1: how do you do that? How do you do that?
Speaker 1: The way you do it is you say to yourself
Speaker 1: and your partner, when you're not fighting, let's always remind
Speaker 1: each other to focus on the issue. Now, when I'm
Speaker 1: about to bring an issue up to you, let's make
Speaker 1: sure it's the issue and not you are the issue.
Speaker 1: So let's say that you're upset that your partners spent
Speaker 1: a lot of money this month on dinners and you
Speaker 1: both had made a pack to not do that. You've
Speaker 1: got two options. You either say, well, look, you wasted it,
Speaker 1: you broke our pact. All you say, hey, is the
Speaker 1: pack not working for you? I wanted to understand if
Speaker 1: we can do something that's going to help us both
Speaker 1: understand what our goals and priorities are. Look at the
Speaker 1: difference in that conversation. Half the time, it's not what
Speaker 1: we say, it's how we say it. We've heard that
Speaker 1: a million times, right, but it's so true. Half the
Speaker 1: time we put our partner on the defensive before we've
Speaker 1: even spoken about the issue. And now what are we
Speaker 1: talking about? Well, last year you wasted money on those
Speaker 1: Christmas peasants for your family. Well, two years ago when
Speaker 1: you were broke, I carried you. Right, Look what ends
Speaker 1: up happening. We're already in a place we don't want
Speaker 1: to be in argue about the issue, not each other.
Speaker 1: Step number six. This one's been a huge one for
Speaker 1: me and I think as we grow up as independent
Speaker 1: adults and independent thinkers, this is sometimes something that we
Speaker 1: don't think about effectively. And I'll explain how to do
Speaker 1: it as well. Step number six is think about how
Speaker 1: your decisions affect your partner. This doesn't mean you shouldn't
Speaker 1: make decisions that may affect your partner in a convenience sense,
Speaker 1: but you have to think about it. When I get
Speaker 1: invited to travel for work, I know I want to
Speaker 1: do it because I'm passionate about my work, but I
Speaker 1: do think about how that's going to affect rather, And
Speaker 1: so I'll say to Raley, I've got this opportunity. Maybe
Speaker 1: this is a time when you want to go visit home,
Speaker 1: maybe you want to spend time with friends. I just
Speaker 1: want you to know, so you have enough time to plan.
Speaker 1: If I don't think about her and I just plan
Speaker 1: it and then it comes to the day and I
Speaker 1: tell her on the day, what have I done. I've
Speaker 1: removed an opportunity for her to do what's important to her.
Speaker 1: Think about how your decisions affect your partner and have
Speaker 1: a healthy discussion about it. Often when we make decision,
Speaker 1: we've been thinking about it for five months and we
Speaker 1: share it to them in five minutes, and we expect
Speaker 1: them to understand what we've been thinking about for five
Speaker 1: months in five minutes. You can't do that. You have
Speaker 1: to give someone time to catch up to your way
Speaker 1: of thinking. If you spend five months deciding to quit
Speaker 1: your job, and when you share it in five minutes
Speaker 1: with your partner, you expect them to understand it. They
Speaker 1: won't bring them along for the journey. Give them space
Speaker 1: and time to process it for themselves if that's what's
Speaker 1: going to take, but don't expect them to understand something
Speaker 1: that they've heard for five minutes that you've been thinking
Speaker 1: about for five months. Step number seven is know the
Speaker 1: difference between your trauma and the issue. Know the difference
Speaker 1: between your expectation and your partner being wrong. This is
Speaker 1: probably the hardest but the most incredible skill. I'll give
Speaker 1: you an example. If your expectation of how your wife
Speaker 1: should be a mother is based on how your mother was,
Speaker 1: that's you bringing your expectation and your past into what's
Speaker 1: right for your partner. Most of us don't even think
Speaker 1: about this. Our expectations of our partners are based on
Speaker 1: how our parents were, and so we expect our partners
Speaker 1: to be as good as our parents, or maybe better
Speaker 1: than our parents, or whatever it may have been. So
Speaker 1: much of the time we act with our partners in
Speaker 1: a way because of a gap that our parents had
Speaker 1: with us. Are you bringing your trauma into your relationship?
Speaker 1: Knowing the difference is so important. Me and Rather have
Speaker 1: had to really work on this when we're bringing our expectation. So,
Speaker 1: for example, Rathery's father is this amazing human who I
Speaker 1: adore to. I love him, and he's helpful around the home.
Speaker 1: He's helpful in the kitchen, and he's an entrepreneur and successful,
Speaker 1: and rather he was thankfully aware of this, and she
Speaker 1: never expected me. She knew I wouldn't be helpful in
Speaker 1: the kitchen, useless. But if she expects me to be
Speaker 1: everything her father is, that becomes really difficult. Sometimes we
Speaker 1: think our partners are wrong, when all it is that
Speaker 1: our expectation is wrong, and there's an assumption again, and
Speaker 1: our assumptions and expectations of our partners actually make the
Speaker 1: relationship weaker. How can you take some time to recognize this?
Speaker 1: It has been established that for every negative encounter, at
Speaker 1: least five positive encounters are needed, says doctor av This
Speaker 1: is another relationship tip from doctor John Gottman, known as
Speaker 1: the magic ratio. So if you've had an interaction where
Speaker 1: you brought a bit of trauma, you bought your past,
Speaker 1: you bought your expectation, make sure you have five positive
Speaker 1: encounters for every negative encounter. It's great account. It's great
Speaker 1: to think about it, just like you would at work.
Speaker 1: If you've had a bad meeting with someone, you want
Speaker 1: to have a good meeting with them when you want
Speaker 1: to have five great interactions here, but start to notice
Speaker 1: where are your expectations of your partner actually coming from
Speaker 1: your parents? Where are your expectations of your partner coming
Speaker 1: from what your friends said to you? Maybe a friend
Speaker 1: said to you, Oh, he should do this or she
Speaker 1: should do that. But is it truly yours? Do you
Speaker 1: really believe it? Do you really think that's the only way?
Speaker 1: Step number eight and our final habit is commit to
Speaker 1: rituals and new experiences. Doing the same things again builds
Speaker 1: a deeper bond, and trying out new things together builds
Speaker 1: a deeper bond. When you're doing new things together, you
Speaker 1: want to try things that are new for both of
Speaker 1: you so that you're both beginners. You're both really getting
Speaker 1: to share a unique and new experience. Usually as couples,
Speaker 1: we do what one of the people likes. Oh, you
Speaker 1: like this, I'll come along. Oh that's important to you,
Speaker 1: I'll come along. What ends up happening there is you're
Speaker 1: trying to see things through your partner's eyes. Instead of
Speaker 1: trying to see things through your partner's eyes, both of
Speaker 1: you get to see things through your own eyes for
Speaker 1: the first time. This is what a new, unique experience
Speaker 1: has made of And the other thing is to commit
Speaker 1: to daily rituals. Now this One's a fun one which
Speaker 1: I read from an article by doctor av and it
Speaker 1: said that hugging for as little as six seconds can
Speaker 1: make you feel close. The emphasis is on the actual
Speaker 1: hug lasting six seconds, as there are studies indicating that
Speaker 1: if a hugging embrace is maintained for at least six seconds,
Speaker 1: it is enough time for oxytocin in the brain to
Speaker 1: be released. Of course, feel free to hug for as
Speaker 1: long as you like, but make that connection meaningful for
Speaker 1: RADI and I. You know we launched Psalma tea, and
Speaker 1: I know you will have all been loving it and
Speaker 1: drinking it. We launched it because it was our ritual together.
Speaker 1: We sat down for seven to twelve minutes a day
Speaker 1: and had tea. Being able to do that every single
Speaker 1: day brills a sense of commitment, connection, bonding. I hope
Speaker 1: that these eight steps have helped you massively today. I
Speaker 1: can't wait to see you put them into practice. I'm
Speaker 1: so excited to see how your relationships develop when you
Speaker 1: actually put these habits into reality. I hope you enjoyed
Speaker 1: this episode. Make sure you share your insights on Instagram,
Speaker 1: on Twitter, on Facebook, on TikTok, wherever you're listening and
Speaker 1: I will see you again next week. Thank you.