WEBVTT - The parenting deep dive, Part 2: ‘Millennial parenting whisperer’ Dr. Becky to the rescue! 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.600 Hi everyone, I'm Katie Kuric, and this is next Question. 0:00:04.800 --> 0:00:07.880 Today I'm sharing a special bonus episode and part two 0:00:07.920 --> 0:00:11.600 of our parenting deep dive. In part one, New York 0:00:11.600 --> 0:00:15.960 Times journalists Jessica Gross gave us some historic contexts for 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:20.840 the impossible situation parents find themselves in today and shared 0:00:20.920 --> 0:00:25.320 the ways that work, politics, and our culture can do better. 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:30.440 We also heard from clinical psychologist and parenting guru Dr 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:34.199 Becky Kennedy, and today in part two, I'm sharing our 0:00:34.400 --> 0:00:38.720 entire sweeping conversation. I was really into Dr Becky. You guys. 0:00:39.200 --> 0:00:43.000 We talked about how she became the millennial parenting whisper, 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:47.560 what's behind her parenting philosophy, how to navigate social media 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:51.360 and screen time, and so much more so, settle in, 0:00:51.440 --> 0:00:55.480 friends and enjoy Dr Becky with rate advice for parents 0:00:55.960 --> 0:01:02.440 and really anyone out there. Dr Becky Kennedy, Okay, you've 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:06.360 become sort of this parenting phenom. And before we talk 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:10.960 about your advice and your approach toward parenting, I want 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:14.400 to talk to you about you. How did you what's 0:01:14.400 --> 0:01:16.399 a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:18.320 As my mom used to say, how did you get 0:01:18.319 --> 0:01:22.240 into this? Whole line of work. Um, that's a great question. 0:01:23.240 --> 0:01:26.839 I've always just found people to be so fascinating and 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:30.280 and honestly, probably like you, have been interested in people's stories. Um, 0:01:30.600 --> 0:01:34.480 And I've always just kind of loved living in this 0:01:34.560 --> 0:01:38.920 space between what I know is people like doing their best, 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:41.240 and I really have always believed people are kind of 0:01:41.240 --> 0:01:45.120 inherently good, and then there's this whole range of behavior 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:46.920 as we all engage in that are like really not 0:01:47.000 --> 0:01:49.880 so good. And so I've always like imagined this space 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:54.000 between people's identity and their behavior. And then I learned 0:01:54.040 --> 0:01:55.800 as I get older, oh, kind of the space in 0:01:55.840 --> 0:01:58.320 between a lot of it can be understood by psychology 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.520 and sociology and actually people a living of getting to 0:02:01.560 --> 0:02:04.280 know people and understanding that space and helping people kind 0:02:04.320 --> 0:02:06.720 of close that space and acting more in line with 0:02:06.760 --> 0:02:10.360 their values. And so then I you know, studied psychology 0:02:10.360 --> 0:02:14.320 at Duke and started a private practice after getting my PhD, 0:02:14.360 --> 0:02:18.960 and clinical and adult psychology. And then as I became 0:02:18.960 --> 0:02:21.840 a parent myself, I realized, in addition to kind of 0:02:21.880 --> 0:02:25.560 the deep psychotherapy I like doing, I really liked working 0:02:25.639 --> 0:02:30.040 with parents who weren't necessarily seeking therapy. They were actually 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:33.320 seeking kind of guidance for how to help the struggles 0:02:33.320 --> 0:02:35.200 they saw with their kids. So a lot of these 0:02:35.200 --> 0:02:37.200 parents would come to me and say, Yeah, I'm not 0:02:37.200 --> 0:02:39.600 even looking for therapy for my kid. I just know 0:02:40.120 --> 0:02:41.960 that I need to kind of brush up on some 0:02:42.080 --> 0:02:44.360 skills because I don't like the way I'm interacting with 0:02:44.400 --> 0:02:46.600 my kid. But I don't I don't know what to 0:02:46.639 --> 0:02:49.760 do differently, or I know my kid is kind of 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.240 in the range of normal. Therefore they're having tantrums, their 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:54.680 tend they're lying to me. I don't know if what 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:57.320 they need is therapy, but I need help, just like 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:00.600 helping this whole system. And then that led me to, 0:03:01.320 --> 0:03:02.920 you know, want to do a lot more you know, 0:03:03.000 --> 0:03:05.760 kind of direct parenting work. And I feel like everything 0:03:05.800 --> 0:03:12.160 really came together because parenting is not just this kind 0:03:12.160 --> 0:03:14.720 of set of strategies or skills we can memorize, because 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:17.040 our own past and the way we were parented and 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:20.520 kind of our stuff just all comes alive. And so 0:03:20.680 --> 0:03:24.359 that combination of thinking deeply about people, understanding why we 0:03:24.400 --> 0:03:28.280 are the way we are, and then giving people very practical, 0:03:28.800 --> 0:03:33.280 action oriented kind of help. Um, I was able to 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:35.040 do all of that with parents and then just wanted 0:03:35.080 --> 0:03:36.960 to do more and more of it. Well, clearly you're 0:03:37.040 --> 0:03:41.400 feeling a huge void I think in the marketplace. Although 0:03:42.080 --> 0:03:44.920 if you go to the parenting section at any Barnes 0:03:44.960 --> 0:03:49.120 and Noble, it is replete with, you know, all kinds 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:52.840 of parenting books. So what do you think it it 0:03:53.000 --> 0:04:02.880 is about your approach? Becky? Should I call you Dr? Becky? Becky? Okay? Um? 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:09.160 That that really differentiates you from so many other people 0:04:09.200 --> 0:04:13.160 in the in this arena. So I've reflected on this 0:04:13.240 --> 0:04:15.480 question for a little bit because I've wondered it myself. 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:17.600 I've been to the parenting section too, Like there's like 0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:21.039 a lot of action here, you know. Um. So I 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:25.160 think there's a couple of things from a parenting specific standpoint, 0:04:25.279 --> 0:04:27.839 I feel like we've been fed these two models, neither 0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:31.960 of which actually feel right to people. Where there's this 0:04:32.000 --> 0:04:35.040 model of okay, change behavior, and kids do this bad 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:37.440 behavior and we need less of the bad and more 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:39.200 of the good, and so we have time outs and 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:42.200 we have punishments, and we have sticker charts and praise 0:04:42.279 --> 0:04:46.240 and ignoring. And while that all makes sense logically, I 0:04:46.520 --> 0:04:49.320 feel like all of us deepen our souls or like 0:04:49.360 --> 0:04:52.080 this just this can't be it like, this doesn't feel good, 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:54.120 this doesn't feel right. I don't know about you, but 0:04:54.120 --> 0:04:56.279 if my husband responded to my not so great behavior 0:04:56.360 --> 0:04:58.159 by like giving me a time out or a sticker 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:01.400 or something, I would not feel great. And so nobody 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:04.520 likes doing those strategies. In fact, you talk about how 0:05:04.560 --> 0:05:08.479 it's shaping behavior, not human beings. Yeah, I feel like 0:05:08.480 --> 0:05:11.960 there's this like very very narrow way of looking at kids, 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:17.520 as if we can help young, impressionable children become fully functioning, 0:05:17.720 --> 0:05:21.520 sturdy adults by just looking at what's happening on the surface. 0:05:21.800 --> 0:05:25.960 It's almost like a Pavlovian attitude about parenting, isn't it is. 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:29.480 It's like, right, well, my kid keeps hitting their younger sibling, 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:32.560 and if I just scare them enough by threatening abandonment 0:05:32.600 --> 0:05:35.400 to their room, or by having a scary voice or 0:05:35.560 --> 0:05:38.920 kind of bribe them enough with stickers, then I will 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:40.960 fix my child. But we all know, well, what happened 0:05:40.960 --> 0:05:43.320 to the jealousy that was driving that, or what happened 0:05:43.360 --> 0:05:46.279 to the anger. Well, guess what, your kid's gonna feel 0:05:46.360 --> 0:05:49.200 jealous and angry for the rest of their lives, probably 0:05:49.200 --> 0:05:51.720 towards their siblings, but also just in general. So if 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:54.560 we're not building skills for those feelings, well, what's gonna 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:57.000 happen when your kids twenty and feels jealous of their 0:05:57.600 --> 0:05:59.640 you know friend, or what's going to happen when they're 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:02.400 forty and are angry at their boss? Like, nothing good 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:05.839 because they've never developed skills. So that approach is like 0:06:05.960 --> 0:06:09.760 purely logical behavior shaping, and to me, beyond it not 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:12.840 feeling good to me, there's also just an inefficiency like, wait, 0:06:12.880 --> 0:06:14.359 you're missing out in all the years you could be 0:06:14.400 --> 0:06:17.039 developing skills that kids actually need for the rest of 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:19.200 their lives. So I think there's a lot of books 0:06:19.200 --> 0:06:22.040 and a lot of parenting approaches that fall into that category. 0:06:22.240 --> 0:06:24.400 And then there's a lot of books and kind of 0:06:24.600 --> 0:06:27.640 approaches that fall into the category of weight like feelings matter, 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:30.480 and like we need to see feelings and allow for feelings. 0:06:30.520 --> 0:06:33.280 But I think sometimes on that side of things, people 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:36.200 feel limited because parents are thinking, okay, okay, but what 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:37.560 do I do in the moment? Like, but what do 0:06:37.600 --> 0:06:39.880 I actually say? And okay, so you allow the feelings, 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:43.560 but what about when yeah, it results in lying or hitting, 0:06:43.640 --> 0:06:45.760 Like I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to sit back 0:06:45.800 --> 0:06:48.800 and be like, my kid is feeling angry, how amazing, 0:06:48.880 --> 0:06:51.200 Like that's definitely not right either. And so I think 0:06:51.240 --> 0:06:56.680 our approach equally prioritizes yes, seeing feelings as real and 0:06:56.839 --> 0:07:01.080 strong and important, but also something I call bodying authority 0:07:01.240 --> 0:07:04.880 and really sturdy leadership and firm boundaries. And so it's 0:07:04.960 --> 0:07:07.719 kind of a hybrid of these two approaches exactly. So 0:07:07.760 --> 0:07:10.280 I think that feels good and then and then maybe 0:07:10.320 --> 0:07:13.040 even more than that, I really think it's like the 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:18.200 first approach that is as much about self development as 0:07:18.240 --> 0:07:21.160 it's about child development. And that's not a way of 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:23.600 saying it's parents fault at all. I don't think any 0:07:23.600 --> 0:07:25.440 of the stuff is parents fault. I actually think it's 0:07:25.440 --> 0:07:27.360 a way of saying, we have a huge opportunity here, 0:07:27.880 --> 0:07:30.200 Like this is a parenting approach where you can grow 0:07:30.840 --> 0:07:32.920 even outside your role as a parent, and you can 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:35.560 feel more healed and you can feel more centered and 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:39.720 more sturdy across the board, while at the same time 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:43.320 you're building resilience and your kids. And I think there's 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:45.320 just a feel good nature. I think there's an efficiency 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:47.160 parents like, oh, I can knock that both out at once, 0:07:47.240 --> 0:07:49.800 like that that sounds good. Well that's interesting too, because 0:07:50.040 --> 0:07:53.120 who's to say that first time parent or even a 0:07:53.200 --> 0:07:57.240 second third time parent has all the answers. It is 0:07:57.440 --> 0:08:02.240 really a kind of learn as you process. There isn't 0:08:02.520 --> 0:08:06.920 really a handbook for handling this. No. I mean, this 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:09.360 is the thing that gets me super fired up. Um, 0:08:09.360 --> 0:08:12.240 And I think it is such a larger sociological problem 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:15.200 that I feel like most raw to almost more than 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:18.920 any you know one parenting problem. This bigger problem, which 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:22.000 is parenting is the hardest and most important job in 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:25.120 the world. And it's a job we have for a 0:08:25.120 --> 0:08:26.960 lot of years. Like your kids are older, you're still 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:30.720 a parent, Like you still parent. And most jobs in 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:33.080 this country that we value that we think are important, 0:08:33.760 --> 0:08:36.120 we really prioritize the people in those jobs getting training 0:08:36.120 --> 0:08:38.839 and resources. And not only that, Like if I think 0:08:38.840 --> 0:08:40.720 about a surgeon, i'd ever go to because I would 0:08:40.760 --> 0:08:43.080 think surgery is like another really important, you know, really 0:08:43.080 --> 0:08:45.680 hard job. I would never see a surgeon who like 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:48.600 got their tips on Instagram, Like I'd be like, oh, okay, 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:51.439 like did you get training? And the surgeon who got 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:54.960 the most training, the surgeon who had ongoing support. I 0:08:55.000 --> 0:08:57.720 think all of us would look at that surgeon positively, 0:08:57.880 --> 0:09:00.120 not like what's wrong with you? We'd be like, that's amazing, 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:02.600 you know, when can I get an appointment? And with 0:09:02.720 --> 0:09:05.439 parenting at the opposite, where we just take this baby 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:08.320 home from the hospital, we're given nothing. There's this bullshit 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:10.800 about maternal instinct. Right, So it's kind of saying, if 0:09:10.840 --> 0:09:14.040 you are struggling, it's your fault, you know, as opposed 0:09:14.080 --> 0:09:16.640 to if I am struggling, maybe I wasn't set up 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:20.480 to thrive, and maybe there are resources and support I 0:09:20.520 --> 0:09:23.720 can then go invest in, not just for my kids, 0:09:23.720 --> 0:09:26.320 but again just so I can feel more confident. So 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:28.200 I think you're right, and I think that's a huge 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:31.120 shift we need. We were talking earlier when we were 0:09:31.120 --> 0:09:34.760 walking into the studio about generational trauma, and I'm so 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:38.480 fascinated by this, and it's something that I've thought a 0:09:38.480 --> 0:09:42.680 lot about in the last year or so, and it's 0:09:42.679 --> 0:09:45.800 surprising to me that this is now just getting so 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:50.960 much attention. And it's not it's it's trauma broadly defined. 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:54.160 In other words, how you were parented and what you 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:59.920 experienced as a child comes out when you're a parent. 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:04.679 And yet people don't understand that people don't look at 0:10:04.720 --> 0:10:08.760 that and either correct it or reinforce the things that 0:10:08.800 --> 0:10:13.400 were positive in their own childhood's. Talk to me about 0:10:14.160 --> 0:10:19.240 how parenting styles reflect your own childhood experience and why 0:10:19.280 --> 0:10:21.720 this is just now coming to light. I'm sure as 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:24.800 the psychologist it's something that you have been steeped in, 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:27.920 but the general public I don't think has. Yeah, and 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:31.360 I think it is still under talked about. Maybe right, 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:34.479 it's starting to definitely be talked about more. But absolutely 0:10:34.520 --> 0:10:37.800 something I say often is without intervention and guidance, we 0:10:37.920 --> 0:10:40.480 parent the way we were parented, and very few people 0:10:40.520 --> 0:10:42.480 I know are like great, like I want to do 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:47.520 things exactly the same way, right, and so why is 0:10:47.559 --> 0:10:52.640 this right? Well, we learn about what close relationships are 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:57.080 through our earliest attachments, right, We learn what's allowed, what 0:10:57.120 --> 0:11:00.440 feelings are allowed, what feelings are safe, what brings me 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:04.080 closeness with others, literally, what brings my parents close, what 0:11:04.160 --> 0:11:07.880 gets me loving looks and kind of validation Even when 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:11.720 you're an infant, that modeling is so critically important. Just 0:11:11.840 --> 0:11:16.720 looking at a child, smiling at that child, reinforcing that 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:22.080 that child is loved unconditionally. So many kids don't have 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:25.199 that they don't, And there's this other narrative, right, like, oh, 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:28.600 they won't remember that anyway, Right, that's like something people say, 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:31.839 And yeah, I hope more more people understand a much 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.760 broader definition of memory, which is, you know, the most 0:11:34.760 --> 0:11:36.880 important memories in my mind aren't the ones ever that 0:11:36.920 --> 0:11:39.079 we recall with our words. They're the ones that were 0:11:39.120 --> 0:11:41.000 just stored in our body and live out in our 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:44.840 behavioral patterns. Right. That's another form of memory. Right, So 0:11:44.880 --> 0:11:46.640 I remember always that there was a dad I used 0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:48.400 to see in private practice. He said, I don't remember 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:50.959 how my parents responded to my tantrums and hard moments. 0:11:50.960 --> 0:11:53.200 How would I remember that? But this is a dad 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:56.120 who came to me because he's like, whenever my kids 0:11:56.280 --> 0:11:58.040 are having a hard time and are upset, which I 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:01.160 now know is actually totally developmental normal. I know what 0:12:01.200 --> 0:12:04.480 I want to say and do, but I gets scary, 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:07.360 like I yell and I send them away. And he'd say, 0:12:07.360 --> 0:12:09.839 I don't remember how my parents responded. And I used 0:12:09.840 --> 0:12:11.520 to almost like hold this in lightness, like what do 0:12:11.520 --> 0:12:13.680 you mean you don't remember? Your memory just played out 0:12:13.840 --> 0:12:16.040 like right there? You know, like I can tell you 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:18.680 what happened, right, not because I can see into the past, 0:12:18.920 --> 0:12:23.080 you know that far, but because our tolerance for tough 0:12:23.160 --> 0:12:26.760 moments with our kids comes from our parents tolerance for 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:30.480 those tough moments with us. So parents who say, yeah, 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:32.440 like it's really hard for me to stay calm during 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:34.800 my kid's tantrum or and my kid asked for something 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:37.520 over and over, it's really really hard for me to 0:12:37.520 --> 0:12:40.840 stay sturdy. I get really triggered or reactive on some level. 0:12:40.960 --> 0:12:45.479 We're reliving this bodily memory. We're probably in our childhoods, 0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:48.480 you know, when we wanted something that was inconvenient for 0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:51.320 our parents, which is most of the time with children, right, 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:53.400 because you want things and you can't have them. And 0:12:53.440 --> 0:12:55.280 so when you want something and you can't have it 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:59.200 and you haven't yet developed regulation skills, you have a tantrum. 0:12:59.240 --> 0:13:01.160 It's not a sign of being a bad spoiled kid. 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:03.040 It's a sign of how hard it is to want 0:13:03.440 --> 0:13:06.080 and be denied, which is hard for us too. And 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.360 if that was responded to over and over, it would 0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:12.000 have been responded to with some version of you know, oh, 0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:14.120 you're crying, I'll give you something to cry about, or 0:13:14.200 --> 0:13:16.320 go to your room, or you're spoiled or no TV 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:20.120 for a week, or you know, physical punishment of some type. 0:13:20.440 --> 0:13:23.400 Then our bodies learned back to that word trauma. Wow, 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:25.760 I'm not allowed to want things for myself. It doesn't 0:13:25.840 --> 0:13:27.600 learn I'm not supposed to ask for this game at 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:29.680 the toy store. Just learn something bigger, like when I 0:13:29.720 --> 0:13:33.880 want something and other people say no, that is really dangerous. 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:36.640 So I should just put that away. I should stop 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:41.040 wanting things. I should suppress my desires exactly. But it 0:13:41.320 --> 0:13:46.120 can also be I imagine the the inability to really 0:13:46.200 --> 0:13:48.920 even deal with these things on a deeper level. It 0:13:48.960 --> 0:13:54.400 doesn't have to be an anchor or punishment. It could 0:13:54.520 --> 0:13:59.240 just be inadequacy, right in terms of knowing how to 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:03.480 navig ate these feelings. Yes, right, I think the feelings 0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:08.840 that our parents can't tolerate in us. Either yes, there's 0:14:08.840 --> 0:14:11.040 a form they punish you or they just like I 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:13.640 can't talk about that. You know, you come home really sad, 0:14:13.679 --> 0:14:16.400 and you know, again, not one time, but over and over, 0:14:16.559 --> 0:14:18.840 and maybe you didn't get punished. It wasn't like that, 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:20.920 but more no one no one asked you, like, no 0:14:20.960 --> 0:14:22.560 one followed up. You were just kind of alone in 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:26.800 your room. Our body can't tolerate overwhelming feelings in a loneness, 0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:30.680 and often we you know, kind of point the finger 0:14:30.680 --> 0:14:32.640 at the feelings, like the feelings are the problem. The 0:14:32.640 --> 0:14:35.440 feelings were never the problem. The aloneness is the problem. 0:14:35.560 --> 0:14:38.840 I actually think that's what trauma is. It's tough experiences 0:14:39.080 --> 0:14:43.920 encoded with a loneness, right, and so when we're alone 0:14:43.920 --> 0:14:46.840 and overwhelming feelings, our body can't tolerate it. Where this 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:50.480 relational species. So going back to the intergenerational trauma and 0:14:50.480 --> 0:14:54.120 how this plays out. It might not be punishment or 0:14:54.160 --> 0:14:56.360 getting hit or even getting sent to your room, but 0:14:56.400 --> 0:14:58.800 people say this all the time, like my family just 0:14:58.840 --> 0:15:01.440 didn't talk about feelings like forget being angry, just like 0:15:01.520 --> 0:15:05.040 feelings like sadness, disappointment. It was just that was never 0:15:05.160 --> 0:15:08.080 on the table. Then there's a whole range of feelings, 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:11.280 a really wide range that you had to learn to 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:14.480 put away. So then you see feelings in your kids 0:15:15.000 --> 0:15:17.200 and you're thinking, I want to be there when my 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.080 kid got cut from the soccer team, but like like 0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:23.360 your body is like really struggling to go to their room. 0:15:23.440 --> 0:15:26.200 You're like, I feel awkward, and then instead of kind 0:15:26.200 --> 0:15:29.000 of pushing through that, in some ways, saying, Okay, I 0:15:29.040 --> 0:15:31.280 feel awkward because I'm like the first one in my 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:34.040 generation to go talk about sadness with someone. Of course 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:36.520 that feels awkward. That's carving a new circuit. If we 0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:39.680 don't push forward, then we kind of repeat that same pattern. Oh, 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:43.000 my kids seems fine, forget it. My kid then learns 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:45.240 I guess we're not supposed to talk about sadness. And 0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:51.200 it continues when we come back the importance of repair 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:55.200 and why we all need to look at ourselves first, 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:10.840 h you filled a huge need during the pandemic. I 0:16:10.880 --> 0:16:14.600 know before America shut down, you didn't have an Instagram account. 0:16:15.200 --> 0:16:18.000 Now you have one point five million followers, a book, 0:16:18.080 --> 0:16:21.520 a little bit of a many empire going. So why 0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.760 do you think, Becky, you hit such a chord. And 0:16:24.840 --> 0:16:27.680 by the way, I've never been so grateful to have 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:33.040 grown children then in the last few years, because hats 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:37.520 off to all the mothers and fathers, parents everywhere who 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:42.440 had to juggle and deal with so much. And I 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:45.760 love that. Shout out to everyone listening who had young kids, 0:16:45.760 --> 0:16:48.400 who had teenagers, who had their first baby, who were 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:50.680 single parents, who are going through a divorce, who are 0:16:50.840 --> 0:16:52.920 who were married and still like, no matter what, it 0:16:53.000 --> 0:16:55.680 was hard, it was so hard. And actually the other 0:16:55.680 --> 0:16:58.560 thing we were talking about before this was how important 0:16:58.600 --> 0:17:01.760 it is to kids to to just name what's true, 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:03.920 to talk about the hard stuff. We often think we're 0:17:03.920 --> 0:17:07.280 protecting them by not but I think we're actually increasing 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:09.399 a lot of their anxiety because again, then they feel alone. 0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:12.960 So when you're confused and confused, nobody likes feeling alone 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:15.919 and confused. Those two things together are awful, right, So 0:17:15.960 --> 0:17:18.359 I think during the pandemic, I think something that really 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:22.280 maybe like help me hit a stride with people as 0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:24.239 I do. I think I've always been someone who has 0:17:24.280 --> 0:17:27.480 never shied away from naming the hard, like even say 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:30.080 this is hard. We all yell at our kids, this 0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:33.199 pandemic sucks, this is so difficult. You are doing an 0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:36.000 impossible thing. You're a warrior. You did not mess up 0:17:36.040 --> 0:17:38.920 your kid forever when you yelled. Here are some words 0:17:38.960 --> 0:17:40.960 you can use. And I think during that time of 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:44.199 so much uncertainty, yeah, when people knew like okay, I 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.959 can go somewhere and there'll be someone who's naming something 0:17:48.400 --> 0:17:50.760 that feels right on to what's actually happening in my house, 0:17:51.160 --> 0:17:53.680 who's not telling me necessarily how to make it all better. 0:17:53.760 --> 0:17:57.320 But who's just helping me tolerate how hard this is? Yeah? 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.240 I think we all needed that. And I think that 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:05.240 you were hearing the desperate cries of mothers everywhere. What 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:08.440 were they saying to you? What were they struggling with? 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:12.280 I guess just about everything, right, Yeah, I mean I 0:18:12.320 --> 0:18:15.400 think that the biggest thing they were struggling with is like, 0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:18.520 is is this tell me this is as hard as 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:20.879 it feels, you know, like, and it's one of my 0:18:20.960 --> 0:18:24.600 core mantras for parenting is just this feels hard because 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.679 it is hard, not because I'm doing something wrong. And 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.800 I always think that when something's really hard, if we 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:33.640 can just validate for ourselves, Wait, I'm not a horrible parent, 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:35.960 Like this just actually is really hard to be home 0:18:36.040 --> 0:18:38.960 with two kids in a pandemic or even at this stage, 0:18:39.000 --> 0:18:41.600 this is really hard to manage through a tantrum and 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:45.840 a grocery store. We don't then layer on the self blame, 0:18:46.400 --> 0:18:48.439 which goes into I'm a horrible parent. I messed up 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:50.240 this Forever. If people saw me, they want to believe 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:52.320 that I'm the type of parent. When we add that layer, 0:18:52.359 --> 0:18:55.720 I think hard becomes impossible. And when we remove that layer, 0:18:55.720 --> 0:18:59.440 which is the impossible, it's still hard. But hard is 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:02.400 is far too Here are two impossible. And you talk 0:19:02.440 --> 0:19:06.480 about the need for repair, um, which you say is 0:19:06.520 --> 0:19:11.560 something really important for people to understand. Can you tell 0:19:11.640 --> 0:19:13.920 us what you mean by that? Yeah, I mean I 0:19:14.480 --> 0:19:17.560 really think you know, for any parent or even nonparent 0:19:17.680 --> 0:19:20.480 listening to this, I think the single most important strategy 0:19:20.560 --> 0:19:24.160 to get good at in our relationships is repair. And 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:26.720 you know, I'm sure there's some actual definition for what 0:19:26.840 --> 0:19:29.120 repair is. To me, I just think it's connecting after 0:19:29.160 --> 0:19:31.679 a moment of disconnection. And we all know moments with 0:19:31.680 --> 0:19:34.040 our kids, with a partner, with a colleague, we're like, yeah, 0:19:34.040 --> 0:19:37.120 we're disconnected. It was not a feel good moment. Repairs 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:39.440 the act of going back and forming a connection again 0:19:39.480 --> 0:19:41.919 after And if you think about what it means to 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:44.480 get really good at repair, well, there has to be 0:19:44.480 --> 0:19:46.879 a rupture to repair. And I think this is actually 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:48.680 helpful to parents. Think. Okay, so the next time I 0:19:48.760 --> 0:19:50.840 yell at my kid, I'm gonna try to remember this 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:53.359 conversation I heard between Becky and Katie being like, Okay, 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:54.879 I gotta get good at repair well. To get good 0:19:54.880 --> 0:19:57.520 at repair after rupture. So okay, check I did step one. 0:19:57.520 --> 0:19:59.240 I yelled at my kids, like I'm not not a 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:02.000 horrible parent. How to do that? To do the next step, 0:20:02.280 --> 0:20:06.240 And then the next step is reconnecting first with ourselves 0:20:06.240 --> 0:20:09.000 and reminding ourselves I didn't mess up my kid forever 0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:11.199 like I can. I always think of repair. I can 0:20:11.240 --> 0:20:13.440 rewrite the ending of that chapter, I can go back, 0:20:13.800 --> 0:20:16.600 I can reopen that file, and when I do, I 0:20:16.680 --> 0:20:20.119 essentially say, hey, that thing that didn't feel good, you 0:20:20.160 --> 0:20:23.240 were right to feel that way, and that probably felt 0:20:23.240 --> 0:20:27.000 scary or probably didn't feel good when I didn't understand 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:30.680 your side of things, and I'm sorry I yelled. I 0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:33.160 always like to say to my kids, it's never your 0:20:33.160 --> 0:20:36.080 fault when I yell, because kids, when we don't explain 0:20:36.119 --> 0:20:38.639 things to them, they self blame to gain control, and 0:20:38.680 --> 0:20:41.600 we don't. We don't want that for their future. And 0:20:41.640 --> 0:20:45.040 then some version of I'm working on managing my feelings 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:47.119 just like you are, and I am really working on 0:20:47.160 --> 0:20:49.640 doing better in the future. And when we do that, 0:20:50.240 --> 0:20:54.240 we actually change the way the not so great memory 0:20:54.280 --> 0:20:57.399 lives in a kid's body because surrounding the moment that 0:20:57.440 --> 0:21:00.960 felt scarier when they felt alone or misunderstood. Would now 0:21:01.000 --> 0:21:03.040 because I've rewritten that ending in the chapter, I kind 0:21:03.040 --> 0:21:05.280 of surround that moment with the elements that we're missing 0:21:05.320 --> 0:21:10.359 in the first place, compassion, connection, understanding, listening, And I 0:21:10.440 --> 0:21:12.680 just like, I want every parent to know because we've 0:21:12.720 --> 0:21:14.399 all had those moments and I'll have that again, and 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:16.119 I have them where I'm like in my bathroom and 0:21:16.160 --> 0:21:17.680 I'm like, oh my god, I got I'm a kid, 0:21:17.760 --> 0:21:19.479