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Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Katie Kuric, and this is next Question.

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Speaker 1: Today I'm sharing a special bonus episode and part two

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Speaker 1: of our parenting deep dive. In part one, New York

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Speaker 1: Times journalists Jessica Gross gave us some historic contexts for

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Speaker 1: the impossible situation parents find themselves in today and shared

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Speaker 1: the ways that work, politics, and our culture can do better.

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Speaker 1: We also heard from clinical psychologist and parenting guru Dr

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Speaker 1: Becky Kennedy, and today in part two, I'm sharing our

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Speaker 1: entire sweeping conversation. I was really into Dr Becky. You guys.

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Speaker 1: We talked about how she became the millennial parenting whisper,

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Speaker 1: what's behind her parenting philosophy, how to navigate social media

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Speaker 1: and screen time, and so much more so, settle in,

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Speaker 1: friends and enjoy Dr Becky with rate advice for parents

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Speaker 1: and really anyone out there. Dr Becky Kennedy, Okay, you've

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Speaker 1: become sort of this parenting phenom. And before we talk

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Speaker 1: about your advice and your approach toward parenting, I want

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Speaker 1: to talk to you about you. How did you what's

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Speaker 1: a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

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Speaker 1: As my mom used to say, how did you get

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Speaker 1: into this? Whole line of work. Um, that's a great question.

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Speaker 1: I've always just found people to be so fascinating and

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Speaker 1: and honestly, probably like you, have been interested in people's stories. Um,

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Speaker 1: And I've always just kind of loved living in this

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Speaker 1: space between what I know is people like doing their best,

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Speaker 1: and I really have always believed people are kind of

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Speaker 1: inherently good, and then there's this whole range of behavior

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Speaker 1: as we all engage in that are like really not

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Speaker 1: so good. And so I've always like imagined this space

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Speaker 1: between people's identity and their behavior. And then I learned

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Speaker 1: as I get older, oh, kind of the space in

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Speaker 1: between a lot of it can be understood by psychology

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Speaker 1: and sociology and actually people a living of getting to

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Speaker 1: know people and understanding that space and helping people kind

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Speaker 1: of close that space and acting more in line with

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Speaker 1: their values. And so then I you know, studied psychology

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Speaker 1: at Duke and started a private practice after getting my PhD,

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Speaker 1: and clinical and adult psychology. And then as I became

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Speaker 1: a parent myself, I realized, in addition to kind of

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Speaker 1: the deep psychotherapy I like doing, I really liked working

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Speaker 1: with parents who weren't necessarily seeking therapy. They were actually

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Speaker 1: seeking kind of guidance for how to help the struggles

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Speaker 1: they saw with their kids. So a lot of these

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Speaker 1: parents would come to me and say, Yeah, I'm not

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Speaker 1: even looking for therapy for my kid. I just know

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Speaker 1: that I need to kind of brush up on some

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Speaker 1: skills because I don't like the way I'm interacting with

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Speaker 1: my kid. But I don't I don't know what to

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Speaker 1: do differently, or I know my kid is kind of

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Speaker 1: in the range of normal. Therefore they're having tantrums, their

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Speaker 1: tend they're lying to me. I don't know if what

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Speaker 1: they need is therapy, but I need help, just like

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Speaker 1: helping this whole system. And then that led me to,

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Speaker 1: you know, want to do a lot more you know,

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Speaker 1: kind of direct parenting work. And I feel like everything

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Speaker 1: really came together because parenting is not just this kind

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Speaker 1: of set of strategies or skills we can memorize, because

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Speaker 1: our own past and the way we were parented and

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Speaker 1: kind of our stuff just all comes alive. And so

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Speaker 1: that combination of thinking deeply about people, understanding why we

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Speaker 1: are the way we are, and then giving people very practical,

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Speaker 1: action oriented kind of help. Um, I was able to

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Speaker 1: do all of that with parents and then just wanted

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Speaker 1: to do more and more of it. Well, clearly you're

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Speaker 1: feeling a huge void I think in the marketplace. Although

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Speaker 1: if you go to the parenting section at any Barnes

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Speaker 1: and Noble, it is replete with, you know, all kinds

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Speaker 1: of parenting books. So what do you think it it

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Speaker 1: is about your approach? Becky? Should I call you Dr? Becky? Becky? Okay? Um?

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Speaker 1: That that really differentiates you from so many other people

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Speaker 1: in the in this arena. So I've reflected on this

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Speaker 1: question for a little bit because I've wondered it myself.

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Speaker 1: I've been to the parenting section too, Like there's like

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Speaker 1: a lot of action here, you know. Um. So I

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Speaker 1: think there's a couple of things from a parenting specific standpoint,

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Speaker 1: I feel like we've been fed these two models, neither

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Speaker 1: of which actually feel right to people. Where there's this

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Speaker 1: model of okay, change behavior, and kids do this bad

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Speaker 1: behavior and we need less of the bad and more

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Speaker 1: of the good, and so we have time outs and

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Speaker 1: we have punishments, and we have sticker charts and praise

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Speaker 1: and ignoring. And while that all makes sense logically, I

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Speaker 1: feel like all of us deepen our souls or like

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Speaker 1: this just this can't be it like, this doesn't feel good,

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Speaker 1: this doesn't feel right. I don't know about you, but

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Speaker 1: if my husband responded to my not so great behavior

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Speaker 1: by like giving me a time out or a sticker

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Speaker 1: or something, I would not feel great. And so nobody

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Speaker 1: likes doing those strategies. In fact, you talk about how

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Speaker 1: it's shaping behavior, not human beings. Yeah, I feel like

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Speaker 1: there's this like very very narrow way of looking at kids,

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Speaker 1: as if we can help young, impressionable children become fully functioning,

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Speaker 1: sturdy adults by just looking at what's happening on the surface.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like a Pavlovian attitude about parenting, isn't it is.

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Speaker 1: It's like, right, well, my kid keeps hitting their younger sibling,

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Speaker 1: and if I just scare them enough by threatening abandonment

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Speaker 1: to their room, or by having a scary voice or

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Speaker 1: kind of bribe them enough with stickers, then I will

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Speaker 1: fix my child. But we all know, well, what happened

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Speaker 1: to the jealousy that was driving that, or what happened

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Speaker 1: to the anger. Well, guess what, your kid's gonna feel

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Speaker 1: jealous and angry for the rest of their lives, probably

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Speaker 1: towards their siblings, but also just in general. So if

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Speaker 1: we're not building skills for those feelings, well, what's gonna

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Speaker 1: happen when your kids twenty and feels jealous of their

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Speaker 1: you know friend, or what's going to happen when they're

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Speaker 1: forty and are angry at their boss? Like, nothing good

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Speaker 1: because they've never developed skills. So that approach is like

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Speaker 1: purely logical behavior shaping, and to me, beyond it not

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Speaker 1: feeling good to me, there's also just an inefficiency like, wait,

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Speaker 1: you're missing out in all the years you could be

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Speaker 1: developing skills that kids actually need for the rest of

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Speaker 1: their lives. So I think there's a lot of books

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Speaker 1: and a lot of parenting approaches that fall into that category.

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Speaker 1: And then there's a lot of books and kind of

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Speaker 1: approaches that fall into the category of weight like feelings matter,

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Speaker 1: and like we need to see feelings and allow for feelings.

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Speaker 1: But I think sometimes on that side of things, people

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Speaker 1: feel limited because parents are thinking, okay, okay, but what

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Speaker 1: do I do in the moment? Like, but what do

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Speaker 1: I actually say? And okay, so you allow the feelings,

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Speaker 1: but what about when yeah, it results in lying or hitting,

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Speaker 1: Like I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to sit back

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Speaker 1: and be like, my kid is feeling angry, how amazing,

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Speaker 1: Like that's definitely not right either. And so I think

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Speaker 1: our approach equally prioritizes yes, seeing feelings as real and

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Speaker 1: strong and important, but also something I call bodying authority

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Speaker 1: and really sturdy leadership and firm boundaries. And so it's

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Speaker 1: kind of a hybrid of these two approaches exactly. So

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Speaker 1: I think that feels good and then and then maybe

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Speaker 1: even more than that, I really think it's like the

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Speaker 1: first approach that is as much about self development as

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Speaker 1: it's about child development. And that's not a way of

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Speaker 1: saying it's parents fault at all. I don't think any

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Speaker 1: of the stuff is parents fault. I actually think it's

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Speaker 1: a way of saying, we have a huge opportunity here,

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Speaker 1: Like this is a parenting approach where you can grow

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Speaker 1: even outside your role as a parent, and you can

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Speaker 1: feel more healed and you can feel more centered and

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Speaker 1: more sturdy across the board, while at the same time

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Speaker 1: you're building resilience and your kids. And I think there's

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Speaker 1: just a feel good nature. I think there's an efficiency

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Speaker 1: parents like, oh, I can knock that both out at once,

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Speaker 1: like that that sounds good. Well that's interesting too, because

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Speaker 1: who's to say that first time parent or even a

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Speaker 1: second third time parent has all the answers. It is

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Speaker 1: really a kind of learn as you process. There isn't

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Speaker 1: really a handbook for handling this. No. I mean, this

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Speaker 1: is the thing that gets me super fired up. Um,

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Speaker 1: And I think it is such a larger sociological problem

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Speaker 1: that I feel like most raw to almost more than

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Speaker 1: any you know one parenting problem. This bigger problem, which

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Speaker 1: is parenting is the hardest and most important job in

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Speaker 1: the world. And it's a job we have for a

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Speaker 1: lot of years. Like your kids are older, you're still

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Speaker 1: a parent, Like you still parent. And most jobs in

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Speaker 1: this country that we value that we think are important,

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Speaker 1: we really prioritize the people in those jobs getting training

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Speaker 1: and resources. And not only that, Like if I think

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Speaker 1: about a surgeon, i'd ever go to because I would

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Speaker 1: think surgery is like another really important, you know, really

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Speaker 1: hard job. I would never see a surgeon who like

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Speaker 1: got their tips on Instagram, Like I'd be like, oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: like did you get training? And the surgeon who got

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Speaker 1: the most training, the surgeon who had ongoing support. I

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Speaker 1: think all of us would look at that surgeon positively,

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Speaker 1: not like what's wrong with you? We'd be like, that's amazing,

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Speaker 1: you know, when can I get an appointment? And with

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Speaker 1: parenting at the opposite, where we just take this baby

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Speaker 1: home from the hospital, we're given nothing. There's this bullshit

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Speaker 1: about maternal instinct. Right, So it's kind of saying, if

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Speaker 1: you are struggling, it's your fault, you know, as opposed

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Speaker 1: to if I am struggling, maybe I wasn't set up

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Speaker 1: to thrive, and maybe there are resources and support I

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Speaker 1: can then go invest in, not just for my kids,

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Speaker 1: but again just so I can feel more confident. So

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Speaker 1: I think you're right, and I think that's a huge

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Speaker 1: shift we need. We were talking earlier when we were

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Speaker 1: walking into the studio about generational trauma, and I'm so

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Speaker 1: fascinated by this, and it's something that I've thought a

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Speaker 1: lot about in the last year or so, and it's

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Speaker 1: surprising to me that this is now just getting so

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Speaker 1: much attention. And it's not it's it's trauma broadly defined.

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Speaker 1: In other words, how you were parented and what you

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Speaker 1: experienced as a child comes out when you're a parent.

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Speaker 1: And yet people don't understand that people don't look at

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Speaker 1: that and either correct it or reinforce the things that

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Speaker 1: were positive in their own childhood's. Talk to me about

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Speaker 1: how parenting styles reflect your own childhood experience and why

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Speaker 1: this is just now coming to light. I'm sure as

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Speaker 1: the psychologist it's something that you have been steeped in,

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Speaker 1: but the general public I don't think has. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: I think it is still under talked about. Maybe right,

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Speaker 1: it's starting to definitely be talked about more. But absolutely

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Speaker 1: something I say often is without intervention and guidance, we

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Speaker 1: parent the way we were parented, and very few people

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Speaker 1: I know are like great, like I want to do

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Speaker 1: things exactly the same way, right, and so why is

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Speaker 1: this right? Well, we learn about what close relationships are

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Speaker 1: through our earliest attachments, right, We learn what's allowed, what

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Speaker 1: feelings are allowed, what feelings are safe, what brings me

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Speaker 1: closeness with others, literally, what brings my parents close, what

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Speaker 1: gets me loving looks and kind of validation Even when

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Speaker 1: you're an infant, that modeling is so critically important. Just

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Speaker 1: looking at a child, smiling at that child, reinforcing that

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Speaker 1: that child is loved unconditionally. So many kids don't have

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Speaker 1: that they don't, And there's this other narrative, right, like, oh,

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Speaker 1: they won't remember that anyway, Right, that's like something people say,

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Speaker 1: And yeah, I hope more more people understand a much

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Speaker 1: broader definition of memory, which is, you know, the most

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Speaker 1: important memories in my mind aren't the ones ever that

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Speaker 1: we recall with our words. They're the ones that were

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Speaker 1: just stored in our body and live out in our

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Speaker 1: behavioral patterns. Right. That's another form of memory. Right, So

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Speaker 1: I remember always that there was a dad I used

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Speaker 1: to see in private practice. He said, I don't remember

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Speaker 1: how my parents responded to my tantrums and hard moments.

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Speaker 1: How would I remember that? But this is a dad

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Speaker 1: who came to me because he's like, whenever my kids

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Speaker 1: are having a hard time and are upset, which I

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Speaker 1: now know is actually totally developmental normal. I know what

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Speaker 1: I want to say and do, but I gets scary,

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Speaker 1: like I yell and I send them away. And he'd say,

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Speaker 1: I don't remember how my parents responded. And I used

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Speaker 1: to almost like hold this in lightness, like what do

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Speaker 1: you mean you don't remember? Your memory just played out

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Speaker 1: like right there? You know, like I can tell you

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Speaker 1: what happened, right, not because I can see into the past,

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Speaker 1: you know that far, but because our tolerance for tough

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Speaker 1: moments with our kids comes from our parents tolerance for

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Speaker 1: those tough moments with us. So parents who say, yeah,

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Speaker 1: like it's really hard for me to stay calm during

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Speaker 1: my kid's tantrum or and my kid asked for something

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Speaker 1: over and over, it's really really hard for me to

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Speaker 1: stay sturdy. I get really triggered or reactive on some level.

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Speaker 1: We're reliving this bodily memory. We're probably in our childhoods,

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Speaker 1: you know, when we wanted something that was inconvenient for

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Speaker 1: our parents, which is most of the time with children, right,

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Speaker 1: because you want things and you can't have them. And

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Speaker 1: so when you want something and you can't have it

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Speaker 1: and you haven't yet developed regulation skills, you have a tantrum.

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Speaker 1: It's not a sign of being a bad spoiled kid.

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Speaker 1: It's a sign of how hard it is to want

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Speaker 1: and be denied, which is hard for us too. And

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Speaker 1: if that was responded to over and over, it would

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Speaker 1: have been responded to with some version of you know, oh,

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Speaker 1: you're crying, I'll give you something to cry about, or

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Speaker 1: go to your room, or you're spoiled or no TV

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Speaker 1: for a week, or you know, physical punishment of some type.

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Speaker 1: Then our bodies learned back to that word trauma. Wow,

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Speaker 1: I'm not allowed to want things for myself. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: learn I'm not supposed to ask for this game at

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Speaker 1: the toy store. Just learn something bigger, like when I

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Speaker 1: want something and other people say no, that is really dangerous.

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Speaker 1: So I should just put that away. I should stop

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Speaker 1: wanting things. I should suppress my desires exactly. But it

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Speaker 1: can also be I imagine the the inability to really

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Speaker 1: even deal with these things on a deeper level. It

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be an anchor or punishment. It could

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Speaker 1: just be inadequacy, right in terms of knowing how to

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Speaker 1: navig ate these feelings. Yes, right, I think the feelings

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Speaker 1: that our parents can't tolerate in us. Either yes, there's

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Speaker 1: a form they punish you or they just like I

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Speaker 1: can't talk about that. You know, you come home really sad,

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Speaker 1: and you know, again, not one time, but over and over,

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Speaker 1: and maybe you didn't get punished. It wasn't like that,

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Speaker 1: but more no one no one asked you, like, no

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Speaker 1: one followed up. You were just kind of alone in

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Speaker 1: your room. Our body can't tolerate overwhelming feelings in a loneness,

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Speaker 1: and often we you know, kind of point the finger

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Speaker 1: at the feelings, like the feelings are the problem. The

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Speaker 1: feelings were never the problem. The aloneness is the problem.

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Speaker 1: I actually think that's what trauma is. It's tough experiences

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Speaker 1: encoded with a loneness, right, and so when we're alone

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Speaker 1: and overwhelming feelings, our body can't tolerate it. Where this

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Speaker 1: relational species. So going back to the intergenerational trauma and

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Speaker 1: how this plays out. It might not be punishment or

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Speaker 1: getting hit or even getting sent to your room, but

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Speaker 1: people say this all the time, like my family just

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Speaker 1: didn't talk about feelings like forget being angry, just like

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Speaker 1: feelings like sadness, disappointment. It was just that was never

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Speaker 1: on the table. Then there's a whole range of feelings,

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Speaker 1: a really wide range that you had to learn to

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Speaker 1: put away. So then you see feelings in your kids

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Speaker 1: and you're thinking, I want to be there when my

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Speaker 1: kid got cut from the soccer team, but like like

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Speaker 1: your body is like really struggling to go to their room.

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Speaker 1: You're like, I feel awkward, and then instead of kind

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Speaker 1: of pushing through that, in some ways, saying, Okay, I

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Speaker 1: feel awkward because I'm like the first one in my

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Speaker 1: generation to go talk about sadness with someone. Of course

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Speaker 1: that feels awkward. That's carving a new circuit. If we

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Speaker 1: don't push forward, then we kind of repeat that same pattern. Oh,

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Speaker 1: my kids seems fine, forget it. My kid then learns

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Speaker 1: I guess we're not supposed to talk about sadness. And

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Speaker 1: it continues when we come back the importance of repair

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Speaker 1: and why we all need to look at ourselves first,

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Speaker 1: h you filled a huge need during the pandemic. I

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Speaker 1: know before America shut down, you didn't have an Instagram account.

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Speaker 1: Now you have one point five million followers, a book,

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Speaker 1: a little bit of a many empire going. So why

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Speaker 1: do you think, Becky, you hit such a chord. And

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Speaker 1: by the way, I've never been so grateful to have

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Speaker 1: grown children then in the last few years, because hats

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Speaker 1: off to all the mothers and fathers, parents everywhere who

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Speaker 1: had to juggle and deal with so much. And I

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Speaker 1: love that. Shout out to everyone listening who had young kids,

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Speaker 1: who had teenagers, who had their first baby, who were

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Speaker 1: single parents, who are going through a divorce, who are

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Speaker 1: who were married and still like, no matter what, it

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Speaker 1: was hard, it was so hard. And actually the other

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Speaker 1: thing we were talking about before this was how important

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Speaker 1: it is to kids to to just name what's true,

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Speaker 1: to talk about the hard stuff. We often think we're

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Speaker 1: protecting them by not but I think we're actually increasing

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Speaker 1: a lot of their anxiety because again, then they feel alone.

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Speaker 1: So when you're confused and confused, nobody likes feeling alone

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Speaker 1: and confused. Those two things together are awful, right, So

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Speaker 1: I think during the pandemic, I think something that really

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Speaker 1: maybe like help me hit a stride with people as

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Speaker 1: I do. I think I've always been someone who has

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Speaker 1: never shied away from naming the hard, like even say

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Speaker 1: this is hard. We all yell at our kids, this

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Speaker 1: pandemic sucks, this is so difficult. You are doing an

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Speaker 1: impossible thing. You're a warrior. You did not mess up

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Speaker 1: your kid forever when you yelled. Here are some words

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Speaker 1: you can use. And I think during that time of

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Speaker 1: so much uncertainty, yeah, when people knew like okay, I

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Speaker 1: can go somewhere and there'll be someone who's naming something

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Speaker 1: that feels right on to what's actually happening in my house,

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Speaker 1: who's not telling me necessarily how to make it all better.

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Speaker 1: But who's just helping me tolerate how hard this is? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: I think we all needed that. And I think that

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Speaker 1: you were hearing the desperate cries of mothers everywhere. What

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Speaker 1: were they saying to you? What were they struggling with?

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Speaker 1: I guess just about everything, right, Yeah, I mean I

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Speaker 1: think that the biggest thing they were struggling with is like,

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Speaker 1: is is this tell me this is as hard as

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Speaker 1: it feels, you know, like, and it's one of my

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Speaker 1: core mantras for parenting is just this feels hard because

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Speaker 1: it is hard, not because I'm doing something wrong. And

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Speaker 1: I always think that when something's really hard, if we

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Speaker 1: can just validate for ourselves, Wait, I'm not a horrible parent,

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Speaker 1: Like this just actually is really hard to be home

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Speaker 1: with two kids in a pandemic or even at this stage,

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Speaker 1: this is really hard to manage through a tantrum and

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Speaker 1: a grocery store. We don't then layer on the self blame,

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Speaker 1: which goes into I'm a horrible parent. I messed up

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Speaker 1: this Forever. If people saw me, they want to believe

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Speaker 1: that I'm the type of parent. When we add that layer,

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Speaker 1: I think hard becomes impossible. And when we remove that layer,

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Speaker 1: which is the impossible, it's still hard. But hard is

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Speaker 1: is far too Here are two impossible. And you talk

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Speaker 1: about the need for repair, um, which you say is

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Speaker 1: something really important for people to understand. Can you tell

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Speaker 1: us what you mean by that? Yeah, I mean I

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Speaker 1: really think you know, for any parent or even nonparent

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Speaker 1: listening to this, I think the single most important strategy

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Speaker 1: to get good at in our relationships is repair. And

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm sure there's some actual definition for what

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Speaker 1: repair is. To me, I just think it's connecting after

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Speaker 1: a moment of disconnection. And we all know moments with

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Speaker 1: our kids, with a partner, with a colleague, we're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we're disconnected. It was not a feel good moment. Repairs

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Speaker 1: the act of going back and forming a connection again

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Speaker 1: after And if you think about what it means to

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Speaker 1: get really good at repair, well, there has to be

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Speaker 1: a rupture to repair. And I think this is actually

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Speaker 1: helpful to parents. Think. Okay, so the next time I

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Speaker 1: yell at my kid, I'm gonna try to remember this

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Speaker 1: conversation I heard between Becky and Katie being like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I gotta get good at repair well. To get good

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Speaker 1: at repair after rupture. So okay, check I did step one.

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Speaker 1: I yelled at my kids, like I'm not not a

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Speaker 1: horrible parent. How to do that? To do the next step,

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Speaker 1: And then the next step is reconnecting first with ourselves

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Speaker 1: and reminding ourselves I didn't mess up my kid forever

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Speaker 1: like I can. I always think of repair. I can

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Speaker 1: rewrite the ending of that chapter, I can go back,

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Speaker 1: I can reopen that file, and when I do, I

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Speaker 1: essentially say, hey, that thing that didn't feel good, you

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Speaker 1: were right to feel that way, and that probably felt

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Speaker 1: scary or probably didn't feel good when I didn't understand

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Speaker 1: your side of things, and I'm sorry I yelled. I

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Speaker 1: always like to say to my kids, it's never your

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Speaker 1: fault when I yell, because kids, when we don't explain

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Speaker 1: things to them, they self blame to gain control, and

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Speaker 1: we don't. We don't want that for their future. And

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Speaker 1: then some version of I'm working on managing my feelings

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Speaker 1: just like you are, and I am really working on

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Speaker 1: doing better in the future. And when we do that,

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Speaker 1: we actually change the way the not so great memory

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Speaker 1: lives in a kid's body because surrounding the moment that

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Speaker 1: felt scarier when they felt alone or misunderstood. Would now

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Speaker 1: because I've rewritten that ending in the chapter, I kind

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Speaker 1: of surround that moment with the elements that we're missing

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Speaker 1: in the first place, compassion, connection, understanding, listening, And I

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Speaker 1: just like, I want every parent to know because we've

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Speaker 1: all had those moments and I'll have that again, and

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Speaker 1: I have them where I'm like in my bathroom and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I got I'm a kid,

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Speaker 1: or I can't believe I said these words, I promise

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Speaker 1: myself I would never say. And then we spiral as

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Speaker 1: if that defines who we are. And when we can

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Speaker 1: take a deep breath and say whoa repair is, where

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Speaker 1: it's at, repair is where it's at, repair is where

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Speaker 1: it's at, and go back to our kid, I mean,

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Speaker 1: it feels so much better for them. I think we

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Speaker 1: almost underestimate it feels so much better for us too.

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Speaker 1: And then we move forward in such a different way.

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Speaker 1: Your book is called good Inside a guide to becoming

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Speaker 1: the parent you want to be? So can you explain

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Speaker 1: in a nutshell? I think a lot of people who

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Speaker 1: follow you and who listen to your advice understand this.

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Speaker 1: But for the people who don't Becky, what is your

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Speaker 1: overall philosophy on raising children that that that kids are

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Speaker 1: basically inherently good. Yeah, I mean I believe you know,

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Speaker 1: same with adults. I really do believe we all have

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Speaker 1: this inherent goodness and as our kids are developing, being

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Speaker 1: able to see them as good inside is in no

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Speaker 1: way permission for their quote bad behavior. Right. Seeing kids

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Speaker 1: as good inside helps us separate And I always do

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Speaker 1: this on my two hands to make it concrete, like

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Speaker 1: they're good identity from there, not so good behavior. Right.

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Speaker 1: And I always think our interventions with our kids fall

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Speaker 1: into two buckets. Either we're looking at our kid as

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Speaker 1: a good kid having a hard time or a bad

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Speaker 1: kid doing bad things. Punishments, consequences, time outs are all

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Speaker 1: from the bad kid doing bad things bucket. And when

429
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,479
Speaker 1: we see kids as good inside, then we have a

430
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,360
Speaker 1: gap between their good behavior, their good identity, and their

431
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 1: bad behavior, and then we can actually intervene to help

432
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:57,200
Speaker 1: them build skills versus send them away and add shame.

433
00:22:57,359 --> 00:22:59,520
Speaker 1: So I think this is an approach that sees kids

434
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:03,280
Speaker 1: is inherent the good inside that allows us to build skills,

435
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: and that allows us to actually raise kids in a

436
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,600
Speaker 1: way where we're developing all the skills they need for

437
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 1: adult Can you expand on the resilience versus happiness idea?

438
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,600
Speaker 1: Because when I was raising my kids, there was a

439
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 1: lot of focus on grit, right, and how to how

440
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:30,920
Speaker 1: to develop grit and effort should be praised rather than

441
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:37,600
Speaker 1: the results. So tell me resilience versus happiness? Is that

442
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,040
Speaker 1: sort of the same thing about that grit versus results

443
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:43,359
Speaker 1: are not? Really? Yeah, I think it's like they're definitely

444
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,000
Speaker 1: like close cousins, you know, so yes, grit, resilience, confidence,

445
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,120
Speaker 1: they all have slightly different conceptualizations, but I think they're all.

446
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:51,520
Speaker 1: You know, we'd all be like I'll take any one

447
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,200
Speaker 1: of those that's good, you know, can me give me anyone?

448
00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:56,520
Speaker 1: We're fine? Um, So yeah, the resilience over happiness, I

449
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,320
Speaker 1: think is is a really really important concept to think

450
00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:01,879
Speaker 1: about when we're raising kids, because there's this line I

451
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,760
Speaker 1: hear a lot like don't just want your kids to

452
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,080
Speaker 1: be happy? Or don't you want your kids to be happy?

453
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:08,600
Speaker 1: And I'm always like no, And then parents often we

454
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,920
Speaker 1: go to the opposite. They're like, oh, Dr Becky wants

455
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: her kids to be unhappy, Like, no, I don't want

456
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 1: them to be unhappy either. But when we focus on

457
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 1: happiness and childhood, we do something really tricky in terms

458
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,520
Speaker 1: of kids wiring in stet up for adulthood, where every

459
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,679
Speaker 1: time kids experienced distress, and what might distress be in

460
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: childhood Frustration like I can't finish this puzzle, or feeling

461
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,720
Speaker 1: left out I wasn't invited to that slumber party, feeling

462
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 1: disappointed I didn't get that thing I want, I didn't

463
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 1: get the present that I wanted to for the holidays. Exactly,

464
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 1: so they experience various forms of distress in childhood, and

465
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,919
Speaker 1: then if they're wiring is whenever I feel kind of

466
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,440
Speaker 1: the light go on for distress, I then wire next

467
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:54,439
Speaker 1: to it the light going off to return to happy, meaning, right, oh,

468
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,400
Speaker 1: you weren't invited to that party, I'm throwing you another one,

469
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,160
Speaker 1: or oh I'll finish that puzzle for you, or or

470
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,280
Speaker 1: I'll get you that gift. I'll give you that gift,

471
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 1: not because as a parent I've changed my mind, because

472
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,879
Speaker 1: I actually I am just kind of scared of you

473
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:09,240
Speaker 1: having a tantrum. Right then, that's also that instant gratification

474
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,920
Speaker 1: which relates exactly too. We think about phones and we

475
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,640
Speaker 1: think about video games, and we think about the obsession

476
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,080
Speaker 1: with kind of scrolling, which is a lot of instant,

477
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:23,360
Speaker 1: low effort, high gratification moments. This also relates to these

478
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:25,359
Speaker 1: moments we're talking about, how do we deal with kids

479
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:29,320
Speaker 1: in non screen time situations when they're frustrated and pointed.

480
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:35,960
Speaker 1: It's also must be a dopamine inducing reaction that sets

481
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,639
Speaker 1: them up for quick fixes. But that's exactly right. So

482
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,560
Speaker 1: I think about this family I saw in the city,

483
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:43,960
Speaker 1: and they were a very wealthy family. They were, and

484
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,879
Speaker 1: they came to me when their kid was sixteen, just

485
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 1: the parents. They said, Okay, here's the situation. We flew

486
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,800
Speaker 1: to Hawaii on this vacation and they're like, and we

487
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,719
Speaker 1: didn't fly first class. We don't even think about it.

488
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:57,560
Speaker 1: My sixteen year old had a full blown tantrum. Oh

489
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 1: brother the airport, right, which brings up like all these

490
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,520
Speaker 1: entitled and right. But if you think about it, and

491
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,240
Speaker 1: I took, you know, an inventory of this kid's childhood

492
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,119
Speaker 1: and very well intentioned parents, This was a kid whose

493
00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 1: life was all about having a quick fix and being

494
00:26:11,760 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 1: happy immediately. So when the body then starts to feel

495
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,560
Speaker 1: frustration or disappointment, you're allowed to feel disappointed if you're

496
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,439
Speaker 1: used to flying for a class. Sure, I think no

497
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,000
Speaker 1: one blames that kid for feeling disappointed. It's just like whoa.

498
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,080
Speaker 1: In my mind, I see, it's like that kid had

499
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 1: no skills to manage. Is the same as a two

500
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 1: year old having a temper tantrum when you say they

501
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 1: won't buy them Coco puffs in the grocery store. Right,

502
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,080
Speaker 1: it's the same thing. It's just is more embarrassing to

503
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:38,240
Speaker 1: a parent. Right, But this kid's body was wired with

504
00:26:38,400 --> 00:26:42,080
Speaker 1: feel upset. Where's the happy, where's the immediate fix? There's

505
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 1: almost then a phobia of frustration. But we've built that

506
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 1: in a kid. So the more we focus on kids

507
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,320
Speaker 1: being happy in their early years, the more we've actually

508
00:26:51,359 --> 00:26:54,919
Speaker 1: set them up for disregulation and what looks like entitlement

509
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:59,000
Speaker 1: or anxiety in adulthood. And the more we focus in

510
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,160
Speaker 1: the early years on helping kids tolerate the range of feelings,

511
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 1: then they actually go into adulthood with skills to manage

512
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,480
Speaker 1: all those feelings, which actually leaves more space to actually

513
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 1: cultivate happiness. Is this something that isn't the fault of

514
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 1: some of these parents. It's there, you know, we talked

515
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:22,920
Speaker 1: about this before, but they're just passing down or are

516
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 1: they or they could be working in opposition to the

517
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:29,640
Speaker 1: way they were parented. And I know you talk about

518
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,199
Speaker 1: reparenting a lot, so what does that mean exactly in

519
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,239
Speaker 1: these situations. I think there's so many forces that can

520
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,440
Speaker 1: lead to this right and again, and none of them

521
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,359
Speaker 1: are that these parents were bad, parents were malintentioned, or

522
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,679
Speaker 1: maybe they didn't get things when they were little, and

523
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,359
Speaker 1: now they feel like, I'm in a position that I

524
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:50,280
Speaker 1: can give my child everything I didn't get. I think

525
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: that that's exactly right. And I always like with parents

526
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 1: to rethink um giving kids, you know, the things that

527
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 1: really matter, because yes, you know, people think on their

528
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:02,560
Speaker 1: own childhood like I didn't I didn't get things right.

529
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 1: My guess is if you really look back in your

530
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 1: childhood and you remember, I didn't get the toy, I

531
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 1: didn't get the vacation, my guess is what felt bad

532
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,399
Speaker 1: again wasn't just the not getting, but was probably a

533
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,760
Speaker 1: home where it wasn't validated for you, you weren't connected

534
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 1: to right. And then if we fast forward to the

535
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:19,320
Speaker 1: idea of I want to give my kids everything, like

536
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,320
Speaker 1: what I want to give my kids is setting them

537
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:26,240
Speaker 1: up to be fully functioning, confident, resilient adults. It's not

538
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,360
Speaker 1: that I want to give them the thing on the surface,

539
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,919
Speaker 1: the toy. I want to give them actually the skills

540
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:33,119
Speaker 1: to manage not getting the toy, because I promise you

541
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,600
Speaker 1: they're going to figure out, if they're confident, resilient, how

542
00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:38,760
Speaker 1: to get themselves quote toys. But what you can't just

543
00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:43,440
Speaker 1: figure out overnight is how to manage tricky situations. Yeah,

544
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 1: and so the reparenting I think that really matters is

545
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 1: really the act of of giving yourself the things that

546
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,360
Speaker 1: you really always needed in childhood and never received. And

547
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 1: and there's something really powerful about being an adult is

548
00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 1: we can now really in profound ways be the adult

549
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: for those Essentially, you know that that inner child in us,

550
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 1: or those inner child parts, we don't have to wait

551
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,239
Speaker 1: along for our actual parents to give it to us,

552
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,760
Speaker 1: because we're no longer is dependent on them because we're adults.

553
00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:15,320
Speaker 1: So it might be you know, sitting and noticing how

554
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 1: you feel, which sounds so soft, but it might just

555
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,560
Speaker 1: be like I'm gonna take ten seconds and just say

556
00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:23,160
Speaker 1: to myself after I got a really difficult email from

557
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 1: my boss, I might say, you know, hopeck you wait. Pause,

558
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,200
Speaker 1: I'm upset. That is upsetting to read. I'm allowed to

559
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: feel that way. I'm gonna figure out what to do.

560
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,880
Speaker 1: But let me start by just validating my own feelings, okay,

561
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,320
Speaker 1: and then I then I problem solved. I promise you

562
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 1: the parent who does that is going to be able

563
00:29:38,800 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 1: to show up for their kid if they want to

564
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,200
Speaker 1: kind of quote be there for their kid, way better

565
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,960
Speaker 1: than if they just try to memorize what to say

566
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,000
Speaker 1: to their kid. Because when they actually do that kind

567
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: of act of reparenting, right, they're actually changing the circuit

568
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 1: in their own body, and so something different will activate

569
00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:58,840
Speaker 1: with their own kids. So it's almost like grabbing the

570
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:02,440
Speaker 1: oxygen masks for yourself before you give it to your kid.

571
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:05,000
Speaker 1: I mean, I know that's used a lot, it's become

572
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: almost to cliche, but getting sort of in touch with

573
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:13,760
Speaker 1: your reactions are going to help you manage your kids. Yeah.

574
00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 1: So here's an example from my my own life. Right. So,

575
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:19,959
Speaker 1: I was definitely like a very quote good girl growing up, right,

576
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,720
Speaker 1: which I've learned is a pleaser. I was a pleaser

577
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:26,920
Speaker 1: exactly exactly, and like the way I always think about

578
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,600
Speaker 1: that visually is I was you know, raising away, or

579
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:32,560
Speaker 1: at least I you know, I internalized that I had

580
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,040
Speaker 1: to gaze out before I gaze in, like who do

581
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 1: you want me to be? How can I make your

582
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,840
Speaker 1: life easier? Way before I gazed in and thought like, well,

583
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,560
Speaker 1: what do I want? What's in line with you know,

584
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,760
Speaker 1: my own values? Things like that. So fast forward to

585
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: having my first kid, who is now eleven, I'm starting out, like,

586
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,680
Speaker 1: you know, five six he just the most positive way

587
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 1: of saying is he really speaks up for himself right

588
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:55,760
Speaker 1: the other way of saying it, which would be triggering me.

589
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:58,120
Speaker 1: He was like why can't he ever take no for

590
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,280
Speaker 1: an answer? Like why can't he be more people? Leasing?

591
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 1: Why can't he just notice that I don't want him

592
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,800
Speaker 1: to have a sleepover and be like, mom, you know what,

593
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 1: You're a great mom, no problem, Sorry for asking, you know,

594
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: like that would be nice and he wouldn't. And I'd

595
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 1: find myself in these moments, especially when I was frustrated

596
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,760
Speaker 1: or depleted with other things, saying things that I really

597
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: never wanted to say, like what's wrong with you? You're

598
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 1: so selfish, you're so spoiled, Like I'd say these things

599
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,400
Speaker 1: in these moments, and I knew I wasn't going to

600
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 1: want to give him a sleepover, But I also know, Becky,

601
00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:27,880
Speaker 1: there's another way of saying that I could to say, Hey,

602
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,800
Speaker 1: I'm done talking about this. My answer is no, You're

603
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,240
Speaker 1: allowed to be upset. And the reason I couldn't wasn't

604
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:34,320
Speaker 1: because I didn't memorize that script enough, is because I

605
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 1: was triggered. So one of the reflections I did was,

606
00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 1: you know, when I think we see something in our

607
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,360
Speaker 1: kid that bugs us, we think, how can we make

608
00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 1: our kids more like us? Versus what am I seeing

609
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:46,160
Speaker 1: in my kid that I probably had to shut down

610
00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:48,800
Speaker 1: in myself? And how can I actually almost feel inspired

611
00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:50,920
Speaker 1: by my kid because I probably need to grow always

612
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 1: like I probably need to grow that part of myself.

613
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 1: It's not like I need to make my kid more

614
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 1: like me. I almost need to make myself or like

615
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: my kid. And I was like, yeah, you know, no,

616
00:31:57,720 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: wonder it triggers me speaking up for something when I

617
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,959
Speaker 1: or and no, that's something that I learned not to

618
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:05,320
Speaker 1: do as a kid, and so I really did for

619
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:07,120
Speaker 1: like these weeks I did this experiment. I was like,

620
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 1: I'm going to speak up for myself more, not to

621
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: my son, but I bet if I do it in

622
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:13,080
Speaker 1: other areas of my life, it'll play out and I'll

623
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,600
Speaker 1: be less triggered. So I remember being in a store

624
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 1: and I was returning something and they're like, sorry, it's

625
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 1: past the time you can return it. And I was like,

626
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:21,120
Speaker 1: you know, I know what my son would do. I

627
00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:22,560
Speaker 1: was like, you know, can I talk to a manager

628
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 1: like I? I feel like I've been a customer for

629
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 1: a long time, and you know, I really feel like

630
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:28,480
Speaker 1: this is in line with like what would be appropriate.

631
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: And I actually was successful and so like all different areas.

632
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,680
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking my kids such a bad, spoiled kid,

633
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: I was like, let me reparent the part of me

634
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: that was such a pleaser and let me try to

635
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,360
Speaker 1: speak up. I remember also I was on the subway.

636
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: I was like, really tired one day. Someone was taking

637
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,080
Speaker 1: up two seats and I was like, hey, can you

638
00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,160
Speaker 1: move over? I really like to sit. That was definitely

639
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,920
Speaker 1: against the people pleasing part of me. And then sure

640
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,040
Speaker 1: enough it wasn't like I've never said those words to

641
00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 1: my kid. But the trigger moments really changed from that

642
00:32:56,680 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 1: act of reparenting for me, and I think many in

643
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:05,000
Speaker 1: my generation we were afraid of our kids a little bit.

644
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:08,240
Speaker 1: We wanted them to like us. We wanted to be

645
00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:11,480
Speaker 1: their friends. And I think there was such a switch

646
00:33:11,520 --> 00:33:17,960
Speaker 1: and the parent child relationship from our parents too kind

647
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:21,640
Speaker 1: of acknowledging feelings, but to the point where we just

648
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 1: wanted them to like us. So how do you get

649
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 1: out of that spiral? How do you do enough disciplining?

650
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:34,200
Speaker 1: And I know that you want parents to be sturdy

651
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:39,440
Speaker 1: and strong and no nonsense about some issues, but also

652
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:42,560
Speaker 1: like that is a tough balance, isn't it, Because I

653
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 1: think parents see it as one thing or another. Right,

654
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,920
Speaker 1: I want to be your friend or I am a parent, Right,

655
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 1: Either I'm the I'm the kind of disciplinarian or your buddy.

656
00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,120
Speaker 1: Right Again, it's like those two buckets were like, there's

657
00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 1: gotta be something in between, and a I think there is.

658
00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:00,920
Speaker 1: So you know, I think a lot about what I

659
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,080
Speaker 1: call family jobs, right, And I'm sure you see this

660
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:04,840
Speaker 1: all the time. They are places you've worked, Like you

661
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,000
Speaker 1: can never hire someone to do a job well unless

662
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,719
Speaker 1: you've told them what their job is. And actually, I

663
00:34:09,760 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 1: think having clarity as a parent of like what is

664
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,640
Speaker 1: my job? Like? What really what would I write down

665
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 1: in my job description? Is really important? Because without that clarity,

666
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,560
Speaker 1: we can go to an extreme. So I think parents

667
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,799
Speaker 1: have two main sets of jobs. So one is, and

668
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:26,200
Speaker 1: you're kind of getting to this, it's validating and really

669
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:29,120
Speaker 1: kind of empathizing with our kids feelings. That matters. That

670
00:34:29,120 --> 00:34:31,880
Speaker 1: actually is important because it's how kids learned to regulate

671
00:34:31,920 --> 00:34:35,399
Speaker 1: those feelings throughout their lives. Kids can never learn to

672
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:38,520
Speaker 1: tolerate feelings that we can't tolerate in them. So when

673
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,399
Speaker 1: we say you wish you could have that toy, Oh

674
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,080
Speaker 1: you're really mad that I won't let you have that sleepover,

675
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,960
Speaker 1: that really matters. But the other part of our job

676
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:52,719
Speaker 1: mat are so much too, and that's setting and maintaining boundaries.

677
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,279
Speaker 1: And I'm really bad at that. It's hard because it

678
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:57,440
Speaker 1: goes back to I Fewer people please er people. Pleasers

679
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,799
Speaker 1: don't set boundaries for themselves. They actually look at who

680
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,319
Speaker 1: they to be for others, and they please others they

681
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:05,279
Speaker 1: keep people happy with them. And sure enough, the best

682
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:07,160
Speaker 1: way to keep someone at least in the moment happy

683
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:08,920
Speaker 1: with you is to have no boundaries. You just kind

684
00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:11,840
Speaker 1: of float around. And by the way, it's easier and

685
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:16,799
Speaker 1: easier to tolerate for a parent because saying no is

686
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 1: harder than saying yes, I think it's easier short term.

687
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,200
Speaker 1: Well that's what I mean, right, But but it also

688
00:35:22,239 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 1: sets parents up for I think all this rage that

689
00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:29,040
Speaker 1: parents talk about because yeah, it's easier short term because

690
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:31,200
Speaker 1: you just become a version of yourself your child in

691
00:35:31,239 --> 00:35:33,480
Speaker 1: the moment wants you to be. But if you think

692
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:35,440
Speaker 1: about that, if you think about having no boundaries, if

693
00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,440
Speaker 1: you think about an egg with no boundaries, guess what,

694
00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 1: there's no egg anymore. It's spilled out all over the place, right,

695
00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:43,240
Speaker 1: So the shell in an egg it's like super important

696
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:44,920
Speaker 1: or else the egg ceases to be an egg. It

697
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 1: just doesn't even have an identity. So I think I

698
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:49,480
Speaker 1: think one of the thing about boundaries that I like

699
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,719
Speaker 1: teaching parents as parents, like, well, what about consequences and discipline?

700
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,680
Speaker 1: I think true boundaries in somebody's like, they really replace

701
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:59,759
Speaker 1: consequences because what a boundary really is is it's a

702
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:03,080
Speaker 1: decision we make or something we do. But what's really

703
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:07,120
Speaker 1: important is boundaries tell our kids what we will do,

704
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:10,520
Speaker 1: and they require a kid to do nothing. And that's

705
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 1: really important because whenever we set a boundary, we need

706
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:13,920
Speaker 1: to say to ourselves, okay, am I telling my kid

707
00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna do, and does this require my kid

708
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,200
Speaker 1: to do nothing? Telling a kid stop jumping on the

709
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:20,840
Speaker 1: couch is not a boundary. We think it's a boundary.

710
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:23,719
Speaker 1: It's not because it would require my kid to get

711
00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 1: off the couch to be successful saying to my kid, hey,

712
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:29,600
Speaker 1: it looks like you want to jump. I can't jump

713
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:31,520
Speaker 1: on the couch. Please get down, and then if they don't,

714
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:33,359
Speaker 1: saying hey, I'm gonna come over to you it looks

715
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,279
Speaker 1: like it's really hard to listen. I'm gonna take you

716
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:37,279
Speaker 1: off the couch and put you on the ground and

717
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,800
Speaker 1: you could go jump on the floor. Now that's boundary.

718
00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:44,080
Speaker 1: My kid will probably cry. But if I remember, wait,

719
00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 1: my job is not just to see their feelings, which

720
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,719
Speaker 1: would be hey, you want to jump, but also my

721
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,680
Speaker 1: job is to set a boundary. Then at the end

722
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:56,399
Speaker 1: of a day, even if I'm tired, I could say

723
00:36:56,440 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 1: to myself, Okay, I did my job well. I both

724
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:02,719
Speaker 1: set boundaries when I needed to, and I empathized and

725
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 1: validated with my kids feelings. Instead of only doing one

726
00:37:06,239 --> 00:37:08,680
Speaker 1: part of that job, which, even if it's easier in

727
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,879
Speaker 1: the short term, what leads to in the long term, right,

728
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:15,480
Speaker 1: is kids really don't learn how to manage their disappointment

729
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 1: and frustration because they never had to tolerate it because

730
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:21,200
Speaker 1: we kind of like would take it away from them.

731
00:37:21,200 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 1: When we come back screen time, bribing, and more parenting

732
00:37:25,800 --> 00:37:42,640
Speaker 1: conundrums with Dr Becky, I think we can't have this

733
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:47,440
Speaker 1: conversation about parenting without talking about technology. I am so

734
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:51,720
Speaker 1: happy I grew up without technology. I am so happy

735
00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:54,680
Speaker 1: that it was just coming to the forefront when my

736
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:58,400
Speaker 1: children were little, and I see a huge difference between

737
00:37:58,560 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 1: my older daughter, who's four and a half years older

738
00:38:01,440 --> 00:38:05,160
Speaker 1: than my younger daughter in terms of the role technology

739
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:09,080
Speaker 1: is played in their lives. I feel so bad for

740
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:12,600
Speaker 1: parents trying to figure this out because they're also probably

741
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:17,600
Speaker 1: having to deal with their own addictive behavior. So we

742
00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,960
Speaker 1: could do three hours on this, but how do you

743
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,919
Speaker 1: help parents figure this out? Because I do think it's

744
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:31,080
Speaker 1: having such a terrible impact on kids their sense of

745
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:35,640
Speaker 1: self developing. There's not only it's it's sort of warping

746
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:39,359
Speaker 1: their self esteem. It's not giving them inner strength, it's

747
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:42,880
Speaker 1: giving them outer validation. I mean, what a mess, What

748
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,520
Speaker 1: a mess. It's so true. So in no ways do

749
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 1: I have a complete solution for this. It's it's like

750
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,400
Speaker 1: I always say, like every parent feels awful about their

751
00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:53,520
Speaker 1: screen time and technology usage in the house. So if

752
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,319
Speaker 1: you feel awful about it, I do too. It's just

753
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,320
Speaker 1: it's it's unwinnable. So I think there's a couple of

754
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:00,080
Speaker 1: things I think about. Number One, let's talk about your

755
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:03,279
Speaker 1: kids are young, right, So, you know, the thing with

756
00:39:03,320 --> 00:39:05,120
Speaker 1: screen time when our kids are young that I think

757
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:09,280
Speaker 1: it's important to realize is it's just very very low effort,

758
00:39:09,920 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 1: very very high reward moments. It's just like, you know,

759
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:14,840
Speaker 1: my kid can go like bing bing bing on like

760
00:39:14,880 --> 00:39:17,719
Speaker 1: an iPad and have so much fun, or just watch

761
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,680
Speaker 1: something passively. And what I think we need to think

762
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:22,759
Speaker 1: about when our kids are young is how important it

763
00:39:22,880 --> 00:39:25,560
Speaker 1: is to have screen time limits. And everyone's family that

764
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:28,360
Speaker 1: will look different, but what the limit allows for is

765
00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:33,040
Speaker 1: for your kid to actually have more high effort, high

766
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,880
Speaker 1: reward moments, you know, like doing puzzles and reading and

767
00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: learning to interact with peers. It's hard compared to just

768
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,399
Speaker 1: watching a show or you know, having a video game.

769
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:44,920
Speaker 1: And so during these years and our kids are developing,

770
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 1: I always encouraging I always encourage parents not to only

771
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 1: think like how much TV is too much? Right, But

772
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:53,319
Speaker 1: it's more well, do what can I preserve time where

773
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,360
Speaker 1: my kid is actually learning the skills that they're going

774
00:39:55,440 --> 00:39:58,880
Speaker 1: to need to learn in terms of managing frustration and

775
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 1: things like that. So that how I think about when

776
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,600
Speaker 1: they're younger. As our kids get older, I think one

777
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:05,640
Speaker 1: of the most important things is just to develop an

778
00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:08,680
Speaker 1: alliance with our kids as early as possible. We can't

779
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:10,840
Speaker 1: wait till our kids are ten or their team to

780
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:13,759
Speaker 1: start talking about screen time. And we have to think

781
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,960
Speaker 1: about this in a collaborative way with that with them,

782
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,160
Speaker 1: because they're going to get to an age where probably

783
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,160
Speaker 1: they do have a phone. And if that's the first

784
00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,720
Speaker 1: time that we say, hey, let's talk about your usage,

785
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:25,520
Speaker 1: it seems too much like we don't have an alliance

786
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:29,279
Speaker 1: to lean on. So even when your kids are I

787
00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 1: don't know making this up six seven eight, I encourage

788
00:40:32,040 --> 00:40:34,680
Speaker 1: parents to sit down with everyone's devices away and to say,

789
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:37,279
Speaker 1: let's talk about let's talk about screen time. Let's talk

790
00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:38,960
Speaker 1: about what you like about it, let me hear you

791
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:42,200
Speaker 1: out what's your favorite part, and let's talk about why

792
00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:45,239
Speaker 1: it can be like a little dangerous for all of us. Right,

793
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 1: something I always talk about with my kids is do

794
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:50,719
Speaker 1: you notice that no matter how much there is, it

795
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,040
Speaker 1: feels like never enough. And I always say it feels

796
00:40:53,040 --> 00:40:54,400
Speaker 1: like it's a cop with a hole in the bottom

797
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:57,160
Speaker 1: no matter how much screen time we have, right, we

798
00:40:57,239 --> 00:40:59,480
Speaker 1: think if we put in more, it's going to fill

799
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:03,760
Speaker 1: us up, but it just always like it always always

800
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:06,839
Speaker 1: comes out like those are the conversations that again we're

801
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:10,200
Speaker 1: not fixing something. But now we have a common language, right,

802
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 1: because if we go into those teenage years with our

803
00:41:12,680 --> 00:41:16,000
Speaker 1: kids wanting to be on all the apps on TikTok,

804
00:41:16,160 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 1: on snapchat, on you know, and and we haven't to

805
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:23,759
Speaker 1: that point talked about this stuff, then we definitely still can.

806
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:26,200
Speaker 1: But but it's really really hard. And then I think

807
00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:28,440
Speaker 1: the other thing that I think at any age around

808
00:41:28,480 --> 00:41:32,040
Speaker 1: technology is going back to boundaries. We have to be

809
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:36,759
Speaker 1: willing to tolerate our kids not being happy with us, right,

810
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: And like that comes up over and over with screen time.

811
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:41,520
Speaker 1: You know, It's funny because when I was on the

812
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,880
Speaker 1: Today Show, we had a parenting expert named Dr Sylvia Rim.

813
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:47,480
Speaker 1: She wrote me a letter recently which just reminds me

814
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:49,920
Speaker 1: I need to write her back. But she talked about

815
00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:56,279
Speaker 1: parenting as an inverted triangle that it's always easier to

816
00:41:56,440 --> 00:42:01,320
Speaker 1: give kids more power and authority as they get older,

817
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:06,200
Speaker 1: but it's very hard to reduce it once you have.

818
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:11,040
Speaker 1: And I think the same goes with phones in screen

819
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:15,360
Speaker 1: time or really any kind of positive reinforcement, right, or

820
00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:19,680
Speaker 1: it's not really positive reinforcement, um, any kind of I

821
00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:22,960
Speaker 1: guess freedom in a way, Yeah, I guess I would think.

822
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:25,919
Speaker 1: I think two things about that. I think, Yes, of course,

823
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:27,960
Speaker 1: it's harder as they get older, especially as they get

824
00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:29,719
Speaker 1: into those ages with their job is to start to

825
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,360
Speaker 1: feel more independent and separate from us. So raining in

826
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:35,799
Speaker 1: control when kids are developmentally supposed to be taking more

827
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:39,200
Speaker 1: control is tricky. But but I think I think there's

828
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:41,719
Speaker 1: another side that I say to parents often because I'll

829
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,279
Speaker 1: her parents say like, well, you know, I gave my

830
00:42:44,360 --> 00:42:46,600
Speaker 1: kids this many hours of iPad use for my kid

831
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:48,200
Speaker 1: is free reign over their phone, Like what am I

832
00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 1: supposed to do now they're sixteen or now they're like

833
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:53,880
Speaker 1: we're always able to say to our kids some version

834
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:55,800
Speaker 1: of hey, I want to tell you about a decision

835
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:58,920
Speaker 1: I've made that I know you're not gonna like. And

836
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,920
Speaker 1: still I'm communicating to you, because it is super important

837
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,360
Speaker 1: in terms of just keeping everyone in this family safe.

838
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 1: And I say this to my kids all the time, like,

839
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:08,000
Speaker 1: my number one job is to keep you safe, and

840
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 1: I will always make decisions even if they're ones that

841
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:12,919
Speaker 1: you don't like, because I love you that much to

842
00:43:12,920 --> 00:43:16,920
Speaker 1: tolerate your anger at me, to keep you safe and

843
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:19,080
Speaker 1: put you on a path that I think is important. Like,

844
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 1: and I think we don't say that enough as parents.

845
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:22,919
Speaker 1: So maybe someone's listening to this and they're like, yeah,

846
00:43:22,960 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 1: like I do feel like my six year old just

847
00:43:24,280 --> 00:43:26,520
Speaker 1: watches too much TV. What can I do? You can say,

848
00:43:26,520 --> 00:43:28,880
Speaker 1: you know, starting tomorrow you have this much TV instead.

849
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:30,840
Speaker 1: I know that's a change, and I know that's probably

850
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:32,880
Speaker 1: gonna be hard, and I'm already getting ready for the

851
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:36,400
Speaker 1: what it's already over. You're the worst. I'm ready for it.

852
00:43:36,719 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 1: My number one job is to keep you safe, and

853
00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,399
Speaker 1: right now, a version of safety is having less screen time.

854
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 1: So we're going to make that change, even if you're upset, Like,

855
00:43:44,440 --> 00:43:46,640
Speaker 1: but hard to do that, and when your kid is sixteen,

856
00:43:46,800 --> 00:43:49,760
Speaker 1: it's harder. It is definitely harder. And I don't recommend,

857
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 1: of course, at sixteen, you have these unilateral moments. But

858
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 1: it might be saying to your sixth year old, Hey,

859
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:56,520
Speaker 1: we need to have a family meeting because phone us

860
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:58,279
Speaker 1: has gotten out of control, and maybe you think my

861
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:00,239
Speaker 1: phone use has to It's like we're all at the

862
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:02,560
Speaker 1: table together on our phones. I'm willing to hear that.

863
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:04,600
Speaker 1: But what I know is we need some changes. I

864
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:06,839
Speaker 1: know those changes are gonna be hard on everyone. I

865
00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:09,000
Speaker 1: also know where a family who can do hard things

866
00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:11,200
Speaker 1: when they're in everyone's best interest. So let's come to

867
00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:14,040
Speaker 1: that meeting with ideas. Let's go into that meeting knowing

868
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 1: we're each gonna have to compromise a little bit. And

869
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:18,120
Speaker 1: let's go into that meeting knowing we all love each

870
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:19,759
Speaker 1: other and we're going to figure this out. I feel

871
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:23,560
Speaker 1: like that's a kind of leader, Like organizations make change sometimes, right,

872
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:25,200
Speaker 1: Like it's kind of random and bring this up. But

873
00:44:25,200 --> 00:44:27,920
Speaker 1: I just read that amazing letter from the CEO of

874
00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,879
Speaker 1: Stripe announcing layoffs and what they're doing, and I mean,

875
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:33,600
Speaker 1: just it was amazing lesson in starting this, like, here's

876
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:35,640
Speaker 1: some not great news, here's news that people are gonna

877
00:44:35,719 --> 00:44:37,440
Speaker 1: not like the hear. But I'm gonna be direct. I'm

878
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:39,080
Speaker 1: gonna tell you what's happening, and I'm also going to

879
00:44:39,160 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 1: tell you I have confidence we're gonna get to the

880
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,319
Speaker 1: other side. And it was it's so holding to hear

881
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:45,960
Speaker 1: a communication like that. And I think you're so right

882
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: about looking at your own behavior. Because my daughter came

883
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:52,920
Speaker 1: over last night. I hadn't seen her for a while,

884
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,239
Speaker 1: and she said, Mom, you have a real problem with

885
00:44:55,239 --> 00:44:58,080
Speaker 1: your phone. I came in and you barely looked up.

886
00:44:58,120 --> 00:44:59,880
Speaker 1: And I said, I just wanted to finish this in

887
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:03,760
Speaker 1: Instagram posts that I've been working on, and like, she said, really,

888
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 1: you you have a problem. I think about this a lot,

889
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,480
Speaker 1: Katie like, and it makes me it always actually I

890
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:10,360
Speaker 1: try not to make it make me feel guilty. I

891
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:12,520
Speaker 1: use it to be motivated to make a slight change

892
00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:14,839
Speaker 1: with my own kids. When I was a kid, when

893
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:16,799
Speaker 1: I was my kid's age, right, my kids are five,

894
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:20,319
Speaker 1: eight eleven, and I was with my parents, I would think,

895
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 1: like our parents, maybe this was you when you were

896
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:24,480
Speaker 1: raising your kids. They had to work hard to be distracted.

897
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:25,880
Speaker 1: For me, they would have had to open the New

898
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:28,719
Speaker 1: York Times and read the paper to like block me out.

899
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,880
Speaker 1: And now, like, if I think about the percentage of

900
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:34,560
Speaker 1: time with my kids too, that kids look at their

901
00:45:34,560 --> 00:45:38,160
Speaker 1: parents and there's literally a phone in between them blocking

902
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:42,480
Speaker 1: that connection. I think the percentage is like disturbingly high.

903
00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:44,439
Speaker 1: And then when we think about kids, behave your kids

904
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,759
Speaker 1: need connection to feel safe more than anything else. They

905
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:49,520
Speaker 1: want to feel close to us a very high percentage

906
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:52,239
Speaker 1: of time, there's literally the screen they see the back

907
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:55,759
Speaker 1: of our phones right before they see our face. Then

908
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 1: they get more just regulated, right. And so when I

909
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:00,560
Speaker 1: think about that myself, what what I do? I literally

910
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:02,160
Speaker 1: call it something just to make it fun and not

911
00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 1: guilt inducing for me, I'm like, my kids need P

912
00:46:04,040 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 1: and P time. It's just play no phone, play no phone.

913
00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:08,280
Speaker 1: And I say that to my kids. Hey, you've probably

914
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:10,319
Speaker 1: noticed I'm on my phone a lot. I'm putting it

915
00:46:10,360 --> 00:46:13,160
Speaker 1: behind two doors because I need two doors, Like one

916
00:46:13,239 --> 00:46:18,200
Speaker 1: doesn't work for me, of course. And I said, and

917
00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:19,880
Speaker 1: I'm all yours. We could do anything you want to

918
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:23,799
Speaker 1: do and play dough, a game, whatever it is. And

919
00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:26,480
Speaker 1: I'm just fully present. And for any parent listening, you

920
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 1: don't have to say, Okay, I'm not gonna be on

921
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:30,319
Speaker 1: my phone for a week. You can even say I'm

922
00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:32,800
Speaker 1: gonna give my kids five moments of this like PN

923
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:35,480
Speaker 1: p time when I wouldn't usually in a day, and

924
00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:38,120
Speaker 1: it really does start to make a big shift. I

925
00:46:38,160 --> 00:46:41,880
Speaker 1: remember when Susan Surrandon and Tim Robbins were married, and

926
00:46:41,920 --> 00:46:47,400
Speaker 1: this was predated iPhones. They would not answer their phone landlines.

927
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,120
Speaker 1: This is how long ago it was, between five and eight,

928
00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:53,359
Speaker 1: and I thought that's so great, Like they would just

929
00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:57,359
Speaker 1: push out any kind of external distraction so they could

930
00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:00,319
Speaker 1: really focus on your on their kids. And I you like,

931
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:04,399
Speaker 1: that's something that's really important to do now more than

932
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:08,839
Speaker 1: ever because it is so accessible and ubiquitous. I think

933
00:47:08,880 --> 00:47:10,279
Speaker 1: that's right, and I think for all of us. But

934
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,719
Speaker 1: there might be a work emergency or something we can say,

935
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:14,840
Speaker 1: like you know, well we can have a family emergy.

936
00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:16,879
Speaker 1: I mean there there's there is like this. I don't

937
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:18,759
Speaker 1: an emergency. I'm not like such a I don't like

938
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 1: to like stoke fear. But like our our kids need

939
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:23,040
Speaker 1: our time. We don't want it to get to a

940
00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:25,239
Speaker 1: point where there's an emergency with them, right, and we

941
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,440
Speaker 1: have to protect going back to boundaries, like we need

942
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:30,359
Speaker 1: boundaries around some of time with our kid for sure.

943
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:44,600
Speaker 1: More with Dr Becky. Right after this, let me go

944
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:46,920
Speaker 1: through a couple of quick questions, we got do it?

945
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:51,200
Speaker 1: My type A friends have questions about what you call

946
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:55,080
Speaker 1: df k s, Yes, deeply feeling kids. What do you

947
00:47:55,120 --> 00:47:57,160
Speaker 1: do if you have a deeply feeling child but you

948
00:47:57,200 --> 00:48:00,960
Speaker 1: are also a deeply feeling adult. That's a bad combo,

949
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 1: I'm assuming I don't think it's a bad combo. I

950
00:48:03,040 --> 00:48:05,960
Speaker 1: think that actually, this is like the highest percentage of

951
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:08,919
Speaker 1: the members in our membership are just this. They like, yeah,

952
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,520
Speaker 1: they're like I watched the Deeply Feeling Kids Workshop and

953
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:14,319
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize how much like it was. It

954
00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:17,960
Speaker 1: was healing for me, you know, because I realized, you know,

955
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:20,399
Speaker 1: the type of kid I was so deeply feeling kids

956
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:24,279
Speaker 1: or kids who really do feel things more intensely than

957
00:48:24,320 --> 00:48:26,800
Speaker 1: other kids. I always think they have like bigger pores.

958
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,520
Speaker 1: That's how I visualize it. So more comes in, and

959
00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:32,240
Speaker 1: somebodys are also scared of more of them spilling out.

960
00:48:32,840 --> 00:48:35,440
Speaker 1: And so if you have a deeply feeling kid and

961
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:38,560
Speaker 1: you are a deeply feeling adult, and I like to

962
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:42,680
Speaker 1: be a straight shooter, I'd say, like, actually that reparenting work.

963
00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:45,640
Speaker 1: Like when I in in our good inside system, the

964
00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:49,359
Speaker 1: Reparenting Workshop plus the Deeply Feeling Kids workshop are are

965
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:51,759
Speaker 1: completely game changing for parents because it goes back to

966
00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:53,200
Speaker 1: what you're saying. I first, I have to kind of

967
00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:56,600
Speaker 1: do some of that rewiring and repairing and um, you know,

968
00:48:56,680 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 1: kind of work inside myself that helps me show up differently.

969
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:02,600
Speaker 1: And then deeply feeling kids really do need different strategies

970
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,960
Speaker 1: and other kids because they reject kind of most of

971
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:09,040
Speaker 1: the things that help other kids. And there's nothing there's

972
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:10,799
Speaker 1: there's very little. I'm as proud of is our Deeply

973
00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:13,000
Speaker 1: Feeling Kids Workshop. It lays it all outstep by step

974
00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:15,640
Speaker 1: for people. Okay, so people should watch that if they

975
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,800
Speaker 1: need to know more about it. Um, have you gotten

976
00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 1: much backlash to this sort of good inside philosophy, which

977
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:27,160
Speaker 1: is basically a rejection of original sin, right that people

978
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:30,080
Speaker 1: are inherently good? I mean it's hard to think that,

979
00:49:30,239 --> 00:49:32,680
Speaker 1: especially in the world we're living in right now, Becky.

980
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 1: So what if people said about that philosophy? And I

981
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,240
Speaker 1: guess you got into it a little bit with Glenn

982
00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:42,600
Speaker 1: and Doyle a little and I every once in a while,

983
00:49:42,719 --> 00:49:44,960
Speaker 1: not too often, get a d M that says something

984
00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:47,719
Speaker 1: like this is at odds with like my deeply held

985
00:49:47,760 --> 00:49:52,839
Speaker 1: religious beliefs. You know, Um, you know, and I'm not.

986
00:49:53,480 --> 00:49:55,920
Speaker 1: I don't have great knowledge of religion. That's definitely not

987
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:59,279
Speaker 1: where I you know, flex so um. But but other

988
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:02,000
Speaker 1: people have said, you know, a big part of our

989
00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,719
Speaker 1: approach is this idea of holding multiple truths at once,

990
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:06,880
Speaker 1: this idea of two things are true, which are electic

991
00:50:06,960 --> 00:50:09,480
Speaker 1: thinking dialectic thinking, and it relates to holding boundaries with

992
00:50:09,560 --> 00:50:11,839
Speaker 1: kids even you know, like, wait, two things are true,

993
00:50:11,880 --> 00:50:13,839
Speaker 1: Like I'm in charge of this decision, you're in charge

994
00:50:13,840 --> 00:50:16,400
Speaker 1: of your feelings. Like we're both doing good job. But

995
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:20,480
Speaker 1: I think the idea that babies are born with inherent

996
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,759
Speaker 1: goodness and that also we all need a lot of

997
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:27,279
Speaker 1: help along the way, right we all? You know, to me,

998
00:50:27,360 --> 00:50:29,640
Speaker 1: that's how we can hold those both at once, or

999
00:50:29,719 --> 00:50:31,879
Speaker 1: to bring out the good in us, even if it's

1000
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:34,879
Speaker 1: not all good, that's exactly right, to bring it out,

1001
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:38,200
Speaker 1: that's exactly right. One person wants to know what's what

1002
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:41,800
Speaker 1: are the best ways to incentivize and reward good behavior

1003
00:50:42,200 --> 00:50:46,560
Speaker 1: and hard work and discourage slash punish bad behavior, bad attitudes.

1004
00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:51,120
Speaker 1: And I think she's asking this because she relies quite

1005
00:50:51,120 --> 00:50:54,560
Speaker 1: heavily on bribery, and she says, I don't think that's

1006
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:57,000
Speaker 1: great yeah, I mean, and I think I do see

1007
00:50:57,040 --> 00:50:59,520
Speaker 1: this a lot like the sticker charts, the rewards, the

1008
00:50:59,600 --> 00:51:01,800
Speaker 1: prize is that you get this for doing your homework.

1009
00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:04,440
Speaker 1: You know what it leads to understandably as kids who

1010
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:06,120
Speaker 1: has say older say like I'm not doing that, Well,

1011
00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:08,560
Speaker 1: what's my prize? What are you gonna give me for

1012
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:09,880
Speaker 1: cleaning up my room? What are you gonna give me

1013
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:11,480
Speaker 1: for doing homework? I don't think any of us want

1014
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,400
Speaker 1: to be in that situation when our kids are older

1015
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:17,879
Speaker 1: and so bribery these kind of quote incentives, which really

1016
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:20,600
Speaker 1: just means external incentives. I think. I think we shoot

1017
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:22,520
Speaker 1: ourselves in the foot the more we use them. And

1018
00:51:22,560 --> 00:51:24,319
Speaker 1: so it goes back to changing things. Like we can

1019
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:26,680
Speaker 1: always say to our kids like, hey, I've been doing

1020
00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:29,200
Speaker 1: this for a while, and you know what I'm stopping.

1021
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:32,799
Speaker 1: I'm stopping. And here's why. I know you have it

1022
00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,319
Speaker 1: in you and I know you want to be a

1023
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:38,319
Speaker 1: good student, like even if homeworks hard, like you're you're

1024
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:40,520
Speaker 1: a good kid, you like learning things. I know you

1025
00:51:40,560 --> 00:51:43,200
Speaker 1: have responsibility in you and you can be a responsible

1026
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:45,000
Speaker 1: member of our family. And just like you see me

1027
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:47,200
Speaker 1: cleaning up my room, like I know you have it

1028
00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,799
Speaker 1: in you to do that. So I think first, like

1029
00:51:50,640 --> 00:51:52,520
Speaker 1: I often think about this visual like I need to

1030
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:55,520
Speaker 1: see the good in my kid before they can access

1031
00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 1: it themselves. And actually, every time we like bribe the kid,

1032
00:51:58,239 --> 00:51:59,799
Speaker 1: we kind of say, like, I think you're someone who

1033
00:51:59,800 --> 00:52:02,800
Speaker 1: needs to be coerced into doing a good behavior doesn't

1034
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:05,720
Speaker 1: feel good, actually, but I do think that when kids

1035
00:52:05,719 --> 00:52:08,279
Speaker 1: are really little. I have a friend whose child had

1036
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:12,680
Speaker 1: to wear a mask for an interview and they wouldn't

1037
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:16,560
Speaker 1: let the child apply or be a part of a

1038
00:52:16,640 --> 00:52:21,279
Speaker 1: program without that, And my friend bought her son a

1039
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,920
Speaker 1: toy in order to get him to wear a mask.

1040
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:29,960
Speaker 1: I mean, it's some stage developmentally kids don't really understand

1041
00:52:30,640 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 1: reason and you can't really reason with them. But I

1042
00:52:34,520 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 1: actually think kids never listen because of reason. I don't

1043
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:38,920
Speaker 1: think a lot of times we do either, I think,

1044
00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:40,960
Speaker 1: I mean, that's a bigger topic talking about, like why

1045
00:52:41,040 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 1: kids cooperate and listen. And certainly I'm not rigid. There

1046
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:46,360
Speaker 1: are moments of course you're like I need this to

1047
00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:48,480
Speaker 1: happen with my kid. It's this one off thing. I too,

1048
00:52:48,480 --> 00:52:50,680
Speaker 1: would give myself plenty of permission to be like, hey

1049
00:52:50,719 --> 00:52:52,480
Speaker 1: do this, I'll get you ice creams, please do it.

1050
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,520
Speaker 1: Of course we have those moments, but I think we

1051
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:56,520
Speaker 1: have to ask ourselves as parents, is this something one

1052
00:52:56,560 --> 00:52:58,560
Speaker 1: off I give myself permission to do here there, or

1053
00:52:58,719 --> 00:53:01,440
Speaker 1: this in general? This strategy that I'm using over and

1054
00:53:01,480 --> 00:53:04,520
Speaker 1: over and over to get cooperation from my kids, or

1055
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:07,279
Speaker 1: to have my kids do things that they clearly don't

1056
00:53:07,320 --> 00:53:11,000
Speaker 1: even have intrinsic motivation to do. Like my kid does

1057
00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:13,480
Speaker 1: not do their homework unless I offer them candy at

1058
00:53:13,480 --> 00:53:16,360
Speaker 1: the end, Like, well, that's different to me than Okay,

1059
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:18,160
Speaker 1: I need them to put their seatbelt on on the

1060
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:20,319
Speaker 1: airplane and avoid a big tantrum, and I'm just like,

1061
00:53:20,560 --> 00:53:22,759
Speaker 1: here's all the snacks in the world. Do it. So

1062
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:25,120
Speaker 1: I think I think that's like a different category. I

1063
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:28,719
Speaker 1: think though we do need a different system, and it's

1064
00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:31,520
Speaker 1: a system, it's not a moment for understanding why do

1065
00:53:31,600 --> 00:53:34,239
Speaker 1: kids cooperate? Why do kids do things they don't want

1066
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:35,880
Speaker 1: to do? Why do kids do homework? What's getting in

1067
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 1: a kid's way of doing homework? Probably not that they're

1068
00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:40,400
Speaker 1: not getting a prize. I wonder if they have frustration

1069
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:42,600
Speaker 1: tolerance skills, Do they have the skills to organize and

1070
00:53:42,600 --> 00:53:45,120
Speaker 1: plan things? Do they feel stupid compared to the other

1071
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:47,680
Speaker 1: kids in their class. Are they perfectionistic and they're worried

1072
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:50,440
Speaker 1: about getting things wrong? So without a bribe, how do

1073
00:53:50,560 --> 00:53:53,799
Speaker 1: you get kids to cooperate? So are you saying you

1074
00:53:53,920 --> 00:53:58,279
Speaker 1: find the root causes of their lack of cooperation? I mean,

1075
00:53:58,320 --> 00:54:00,600
Speaker 1: I think, why do any of us cooperate? Right? Like,

1076
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,719
Speaker 1: why would I go get my husband a glass of

1077
00:54:02,719 --> 00:54:04,480
Speaker 1: water when we're both sitting on the couch if you

1078
00:54:04,520 --> 00:54:08,080
Speaker 1: asked me versus saying like, get yourself water? Right? Um? Well,

1079
00:54:08,280 --> 00:54:10,120
Speaker 1: I think it has to do with how how seen

1080
00:54:10,239 --> 00:54:12,919
Speaker 1: we feel by someone, how connected we feel the state

1081
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:15,839
Speaker 1: of our relationship in that moment, and in a lot

1082
00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:19,080
Speaker 1: of situations, the skills we have. Right. So, if my

1083
00:54:19,239 --> 00:54:21,799
Speaker 1: kid isn't cleaning up their room, let's say that that's

1084
00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:24,360
Speaker 1: a situation, and I'm like, okay, I'll give you dessert

1085
00:54:24,480 --> 00:54:26,200
Speaker 1: or whatever. I'll give you this bribe if you clean

1086
00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:29,120
Speaker 1: up your room. I'm not actually getting to like, well,

1087
00:54:29,280 --> 00:54:31,239
Speaker 1: why it's not just cleaning up the room. Why aren't

1088
00:54:31,239 --> 00:54:33,520
Speaker 1: they doing something that I want them to do? Right? So,

1089
00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:36,120
Speaker 1: maybe part of it is organization, Like they need help,

1090
00:54:36,160 --> 00:54:39,480
Speaker 1: they need a visual on their on their wall, right, Okay, well,

1091
00:54:39,520 --> 00:54:41,720
Speaker 1: after you get home, you put your book back away,

1092
00:54:41,840 --> 00:54:43,840
Speaker 1: you clean up your room, we have dinner. I don't know,

1093
00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:47,120
Speaker 1: there could actually be an organization skill that's missing. Maybe

1094
00:54:47,120 --> 00:54:49,160
Speaker 1: my kid feels so controlled by me and we get

1095
00:54:49,239 --> 00:54:51,480
Speaker 1: in fights so often that not cleaning their room is

1096
00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:54,400
Speaker 1: there one way of saying like fuck you, you know,

1097
00:54:54,520 --> 00:54:57,359
Speaker 1: basically on my own person, and this is one area

1098
00:54:57,440 --> 00:55:00,239
Speaker 1: of my life I can control, So I'm just gonna

1099
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:02,520
Speaker 1: not clean it up to send you the message. Then

1100
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:04,839
Speaker 1: I would say we need a very different intervention, right,

1101
00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:07,480
Speaker 1: that's like, okay, well what needs you're pairing in your relationship?

1102
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:10,000
Speaker 1: And I think these things we hear it as parents,

1103
00:55:10,080 --> 00:55:11,560
Speaker 1: and I know I rolled my eyes to him, like, oh,

1104
00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:13,279
Speaker 1: that seems like so much time. I was going to

1105
00:55:13,400 --> 00:55:16,080
Speaker 1: say it sounds exhausting, but but you know what's really

1106
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:20,080
Speaker 1: exhausting is when we bribe and punish and reward our

1107
00:55:20,160 --> 00:55:22,560
Speaker 1: kids way through their first thirteen years of our life,

1108
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:24,560
Speaker 1: their life, and then we have a thirteen year old

1109
00:55:24,560 --> 00:55:27,040
Speaker 1: who we have no relationship with, and those kids do

1110
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:28,960
Speaker 1: not talk to us about social media. Those kids do

1111
00:55:29,000 --> 00:55:31,759
Speaker 1: not respect a curfew. Those kids do not tell us

1112
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:34,759
Speaker 1: when they're in dangerous situations with other kids, because for

1113
00:55:34,840 --> 00:55:37,000
Speaker 1: thirteen years of our life we've been bribing them and

1114
00:55:37,040 --> 00:55:40,759
Speaker 1: coursing them instead of developing a relationship with them. And

1115
00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:42,880
Speaker 1: when you develop a relationship with them, which does not

1116
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:44,880
Speaker 1: mean giving them everything they want, there's a lot of

1117
00:55:44,960 --> 00:55:49,120
Speaker 1: again firm boundaries while recognizing the validity of their reactions.

1118
00:55:49,600 --> 00:55:51,120
Speaker 1: Then we get to a situation where we can say

1119
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:53,200
Speaker 1: to our kids, hey, I notice you're not cleaning up

1120
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:54,880
Speaker 1: your room. And here's the thing, Like, there must be

1121
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:56,880
Speaker 1: something getting in the way. And you know, in our

1122
00:55:56,880 --> 00:55:59,000
Speaker 1: house we take these things seriously. You have some stuff

1123
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:00,799
Speaker 1: in your room we have to take care of. I do.

1124
00:56:00,920 --> 00:56:02,640
Speaker 1: So let's just get to the bottom of this together.

1125
00:56:02,719 --> 00:56:04,239
Speaker 1: What might make you clean it up, what might make

1126
00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:07,360
Speaker 1: it easier? Like and and then like literally, this does happen.

1127
00:56:07,360 --> 00:56:09,520
Speaker 1: It's not a fantasy where kids are like, oh, look,

1128
00:56:09,520 --> 00:56:11,600
Speaker 1: I just always forget okay, what a schedule? Help? Oh

1129
00:56:11,640 --> 00:56:13,600
Speaker 1: it's no fun. I know this is not you know,

1130
00:56:13,760 --> 00:56:15,200
Speaker 1: it's not that fun. Would it be a little more

1131
00:56:15,239 --> 00:56:16,680
Speaker 1: fun if we, like, I don't know, put on a

1132
00:56:16,680 --> 00:56:18,080
Speaker 1: song in our house and like kind of we had

1133
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:19,680
Speaker 1: music on and you cleaned your room at the same

1134
00:56:19,680 --> 00:56:22,160
Speaker 1: time I cleaned my room. You know, like, let's think

1135
00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:24,600
Speaker 1: about this together. I mean that's just in general, dada

1136
00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:27,719
Speaker 1: of collaborative problem solving, which number one is more effective?

1137
00:56:28,080 --> 00:56:30,720
Speaker 1: Number two preserves your relationship with your kid, and number

1138
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:33,400
Speaker 1: three actually sets them up to develop the skills they

1139
00:56:33,440 --> 00:56:35,600
Speaker 1: need so when they're twenty and up and out of

1140
00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:39,000
Speaker 1: your house, they can function as adults. This is the

1141
00:56:39,080 --> 00:56:41,359
Speaker 1: last question. I mean, I could talk about this all day.

1142
00:56:41,400 --> 00:56:45,480
Speaker 1: It's really interesting, um, And it's making me think about

1143
00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:49,280
Speaker 1: all the things I did wrong. No, no, no, no wrong.

1144
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:52,040
Speaker 1: Rethinking is not about being wrong. It's about considering new

1145
00:56:52,080 --> 00:56:54,399
Speaker 1: ideas that that makes sense to you. Now, that's all

1146
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:58,200
Speaker 1: if they do. Um, one person who went through a

1147
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:02,240
Speaker 1: contentious divorce, and apparently, I guess a lot of people

1148
00:57:02,320 --> 00:57:09,600
Speaker 1: with young kids got divorced post pandemic. Um, she asked selfishly.

1149
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:12,279
Speaker 1: I'd like to know how you manage kids who have

1150
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:16,400
Speaker 1: to live in two totally different houses because of shared custody.

1151
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:18,560
Speaker 1: How do you help them reset when they get to

1152
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:22,080
Speaker 1: your house if where they're coming from is so different.

1153
00:57:22,600 --> 00:57:26,520
Speaker 1: I bet a lot of people are talking about that sadly. Yes,

1154
00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:30,080
Speaker 1: so I'd want to say that Number one I wish

1155
00:57:30,120 --> 00:57:32,240
Speaker 1: I could do full justice to this. Obviously, this is

1156
00:57:32,280 --> 00:57:35,400
Speaker 1: like a complex situation that there's not one quick easy

1157
00:57:35,440 --> 00:57:38,920
Speaker 1: answer to. And actually, time and divorce is something I

1158
00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:40,520
Speaker 1: care a lot about because of course it happens to

1159
00:57:40,560 --> 00:57:42,800
Speaker 1: a lot of kids. So a couple of just quick

1160
00:57:42,840 --> 00:57:46,280
Speaker 1: ideas about it. Number One, it's totally normal for kids

1161
00:57:46,320 --> 00:57:49,240
Speaker 1: to struggle in those transitional moments they are living, leaving

1162
00:57:49,320 --> 00:57:51,680
Speaker 1: one world with one set of rules and something they've

1163
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:54,440
Speaker 1: adjusted to in that relationship, and they have to make

1164
00:57:54,480 --> 00:57:57,000
Speaker 1: a complete switch. Right, It's like a different house, it's

1165
00:57:57,040 --> 00:58:00,280
Speaker 1: different rules, it's different parents. It's so just understanding, Okay,

1166
00:58:00,320 --> 00:58:02,640
Speaker 1: my kids, not my kids, not like a difficult kid.

1167
00:58:03,080 --> 00:58:05,360
Speaker 1: This is just a lot. And that doesn't mean you're

1168
00:58:05,360 --> 00:58:07,640
Speaker 1: messing up your kids. I think we we we do that.

1169
00:58:07,680 --> 00:58:09,360
Speaker 1: We're like, oh so I'm messing up my kids forever,

1170
00:58:09,440 --> 00:58:11,400
Speaker 1: They're gonna be messed up for It might be helpful though,

1171
00:58:11,400 --> 00:58:15,840
Speaker 1: if they're similar rules in each house, right, And I

1172
00:58:15,840 --> 00:58:18,600
Speaker 1: think the reality, especially if it's a contentious divorces, it's

1173
00:58:18,600 --> 00:58:22,760
Speaker 1: hard to communicate, right, So, um, so just understanding that

1174
00:58:22,800 --> 00:58:25,240
Speaker 1: because then what happens is when you get your kids

1175
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:29,000
Speaker 1: in your house, right, instead of saying like okay, dinner time,

1176
00:58:29,040 --> 00:58:30,439
Speaker 1: You'll be like, you know, I'm gonna I'm just gonna

1177
00:58:30,480 --> 00:58:33,200
Speaker 1: build in like fifteen minutes of like having a hard

1178
00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:36,000
Speaker 1: time time. I'm just gonna like build it in so

1179
00:58:36,160 --> 00:58:38,600
Speaker 1: I don't add my own frustration. So knowing that really

1180
00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:43,360
Speaker 1: helps Number two. I think this is really important. Communicating

1181
00:58:43,440 --> 00:58:46,800
Speaker 1: with our kids directly about this change without needing to

1182
00:58:46,880 --> 00:58:49,600
Speaker 1: fix it. Just naming it is key. And I think

1183
00:58:49,600 --> 00:58:51,360
Speaker 1: a lot of times as parents we don't communicate until

1184
00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,080
Speaker 1: we have an answer. With our kids. They don't often

1185
00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:56,200
Speaker 1: need answers, they just need someone to name what's happening.

1186
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:58,920
Speaker 1: Just I always say name what's true. So saying to

1187
00:58:58,920 --> 00:59:01,760
Speaker 1: our kids, hey, it's probably tricky to go from dad's

1188
00:59:01,760 --> 00:59:04,080
Speaker 1: house to my house. Right, It's probably hard to go

1189
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:06,040
Speaker 1: from one house and they do things one way and

1190
00:59:06,040 --> 00:59:07,760
Speaker 1: they have to get in the car. I know it

1191
00:59:07,800 --> 00:59:09,800
Speaker 1: wasn't too long ago before we all lived in the

1192
00:59:09,840 --> 00:59:12,600
Speaker 1: same house and I have two and that that's hard,

1193
00:59:12,680 --> 00:59:14,760
Speaker 1: and I get that that, but that does to a

1194
00:59:14,840 --> 00:59:18,440
Speaker 1: kid's body. Is it just makes a kid feel like, ah, yes,

1195
00:59:19,040 --> 00:59:22,360
Speaker 1: that is what's happening for me. Somebody understands me. I'm

1196
00:59:22,400 --> 00:59:27,760
Speaker 1: not alone in this experience. This can be talked about hugely,

1197
00:59:28,040 --> 00:59:31,680
Speaker 1: hugely helpful. I think that one of the things I

1198
00:59:31,760 --> 00:59:35,440
Speaker 1: tend to do is I'm a fixer. And I think

1199
00:59:35,480 --> 00:59:39,440
Speaker 1: we've touched on this a lot in this conversation. But

1200
00:59:40,040 --> 00:59:44,040
Speaker 1: sometimes you just in order to make kids feel seen

1201
00:59:44,120 --> 00:59:49,880
Speaker 1: and heard. That doesn't mean your default is fixing. And

1202
00:59:49,960 --> 00:59:54,600
Speaker 1: I'm always trying to solve problems, and sometimes people just

1203
00:59:54,760 --> 00:59:58,760
Speaker 1: want to be heard and seen and and share their

1204
00:59:59,120 --> 01:00:03,000
Speaker 1: feelings with out and that have their feelings validated. That

1205
01:00:03,160 --> 01:00:05,640
Speaker 1: is a really bad habit of mine. I'm like, Okay, well,

1206
01:00:05,680 --> 01:00:07,920
Speaker 1: what are we going to do to solve this problem?

1207
01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:12,080
Speaker 1: And then sometimes it exacerbates the feelings of anger and

1208
01:00:12,120 --> 01:00:16,520
Speaker 1: frustration because I've automatically gone to how are we going

1209
01:00:16,560 --> 01:00:19,560
Speaker 1: to make this better instead of just sitting in the

1210
01:00:19,680 --> 01:00:24,480
Speaker 1: discomfort of having someone upset. And I think that's like

1211
01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:26,120
Speaker 1: I think, I think all of us do that. And

1212
01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:29,280
Speaker 1: to me again, in these hard moments, visuals really really help.

1213
01:00:29,320 --> 01:00:31,600
Speaker 1: And you said a word that evokes a visual for me.

1214
01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:34,240
Speaker 1: So when people are really upset and I tried to

1215
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,080
Speaker 1: do my kids, I'm less good at doing at my

1216
01:00:36,160 --> 01:00:38,920
Speaker 1: husband working on it right like I picture him, or

1217
01:00:38,920 --> 01:00:40,880
Speaker 1: you can picture your daughter like sitting on a bench,

1218
01:00:41,120 --> 01:00:42,960
Speaker 1: literally sitting on a bench, and it's the bench of

1219
01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:46,800
Speaker 1: whatever upsetting thing happens, and the bench of I wasn't

1220
01:00:46,800 --> 01:00:49,120
Speaker 1: invited to this, or the bench of this thing at

1221
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:51,200
Speaker 1: my workplace didn't go the way I wanted, or I

1222
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:54,240
Speaker 1: don't feel successful. I don't feel successful. That's a great example.

1223
01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:56,520
Speaker 1: I'm sitting on the bench of not feeling successful. And

1224
01:00:56,560 --> 01:00:58,520
Speaker 1: if everyone thinks about their urges, we often have the

1225
01:00:58,600 --> 01:01:00,400
Speaker 1: urge to do one of two things. Either want to

1226
01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:02,640
Speaker 1: yank them off that bench because we see a like

1227
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:06,160
Speaker 1: happier bench, so we say things like, but look at

1228
01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:08,000
Speaker 1: this and what about this and think about it this way?

1229
01:01:08,080 --> 01:01:10,439
Speaker 1: Or why don't you do this exactly right? So what

1230
01:01:10,440 --> 01:01:12,200
Speaker 1: what that images is like? We find them on the

1231
01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:13,960
Speaker 1: bench of not feeling successful, and we like try to

1232
01:01:14,000 --> 01:01:17,760
Speaker 1: yank them off, or we try to convince them. I

1233
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:19,640
Speaker 1: always think like their bench isn't their bench? We're like,

1234
01:01:19,640 --> 01:01:21,120
Speaker 1: but what are you talking about? You have a great job,

1235
01:01:21,440 --> 01:01:24,320
Speaker 1: right and like so either way, Katie, going back to

1236
01:01:24,320 --> 01:01:26,200
Speaker 1: that theme of a loneness being the hardest thing the

1237
01:01:26,360 --> 01:01:29,120
Speaker 1: next on the bench next to on the bench, that's

1238
01:01:29,160 --> 01:01:31,760
Speaker 1: exactly right. And I think as a parent or as

1239
01:01:31,760 --> 01:01:34,680
Speaker 1: a partner. You just know. You don't need someone to

1240
01:01:34,720 --> 01:01:38,400
Speaker 1: tell you. You just know internally, like the way you're responding,

1241
01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:40,919
Speaker 1: you know whether you're sitting with them or you're taking

1242
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,840
Speaker 1: them off, because sitting is someways it's so simple, that's

1243
01:01:43,880 --> 01:01:47,240
Speaker 1: so hard you say, like, oh, I'm glad you're talking

1244
01:01:47,240 --> 01:01:50,720
Speaker 1: to me about this, or tell me more, or that

1245
01:01:50,880 --> 01:01:54,040
Speaker 1: I mean or that sounds really hard, like to feel

1246
01:01:54,080 --> 01:01:58,240
Speaker 1: that way right, or oh like well when does that

1247
01:01:58,280 --> 01:01:59,800
Speaker 1: come up for you recently? I want to learn more

1248
01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:02,440
Speaker 1: about out it Like it's just yeah, you're literally sitting

1249
01:02:02,520 --> 01:02:05,880
Speaker 1: on that bench, and that's that's what people want. And

1250
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:08,640
Speaker 1: I actually think that's what resilience building is because then

1251
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:12,800
Speaker 1: you're child. The next time they feel that they have

1252
01:02:13,040 --> 01:02:16,240
Speaker 1: literally encoded your support around them, they're less alone. And

1253
01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:18,280
Speaker 1: I always think you can't take away the hard, but

1254
01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:21,120
Speaker 1: we can always take away the alone. And every time

1255
01:02:21,120 --> 01:02:23,440
Speaker 1: we fix it, ironically, the next time a kid feels

1256
01:02:23,480 --> 01:02:26,000
Speaker 1: that way, all they remember is being alone on the bench.

1257
01:02:26,520 --> 01:02:28,520
Speaker 1: They don't remember our solution because they just wanted someone

1258
01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:32,080
Speaker 1: present there. So yes, all of us can be me too,

1259
01:02:32,240 --> 01:02:35,000
Speaker 1: can be a little bit better at bench sitting. I

1260
01:02:35,040 --> 01:02:37,520
Speaker 1: wonder why I'm so bad at it. I wonder if

1261
01:02:37,560 --> 01:02:42,120
Speaker 1: I have a hard time dealing with my own sadness

1262
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:46,920
Speaker 1: and my own bad feelings about myself, and you make

1263
01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:51,000
Speaker 1: yourself off well, which can go back to intergenerational patterns

1264
01:02:51,040 --> 01:02:53,600
Speaker 1: like well, okay, if that's hard for me to sit

1265
01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:56,680
Speaker 1: and feelings, and again, problem solving can be super I'm

1266
01:02:56,720 --> 01:02:58,440
Speaker 1: like that too. I'm quick to action and that can

1267
01:02:58,560 --> 01:03:02,439
Speaker 1: work for us, but sometimes sometimes not. And so yes,

1268
01:03:02,520 --> 01:03:04,520
Speaker 1: if people had a hard time sitting on our benches

1269
01:03:04,600 --> 01:03:06,560
Speaker 1: with us, we have a hard time sitting on our

1270
01:03:06,600 --> 01:03:08,560
Speaker 1: own we see in our kid we have a hard

1271
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:11,760
Speaker 1: time sitting with them until we make some small shifts

1272
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Speaker 1: and then end up making really powerful intergenerational change as

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Speaker 1: a result. Well, I can see why you're called the

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Speaker 1: parent whisperer whatever people call you. I don't know who

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Speaker 1: actually called me that people call me that somebody does,

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Speaker 1: but Dr Becky Kennedy. The book is called Good Inside,

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Speaker 1: a guide to becoming the parent you want to be,

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Speaker 1: And also I would add the person you want to be,

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Speaker 1: because these are skills that you can use every day

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Speaker 1: with all the important people in your life. I completely agree.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, It's been such a treat to talk to

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Speaker 1: you hope it's not the last time. Next Question with

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Speaker 1: Katie Kurik is a production of My Heart Media and

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Speaker 1: Katie Kurik Media. The executive producers are Me, Katie Curic,

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Speaker 1: and Courtney Litz. The supervising producer is Lauren Hansen. Associate

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Speaker 1: producers Derek Clements and Adriana Fasio. The show is edited

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Speaker 1: and mixed by Derrek Clements. For more information about today's episode,

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Speaker 1: or to sign up for my morning newsletter, wake Up Call,

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Speaker 1: go to Katie Currek dot com. You can also find

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Speaker 1: me at Katie Curreic on Instagram and all my social

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Speaker 1: media channels. For more podcasts from I Heart Radio, visit

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Speaker 1: the i Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you

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Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.