Speaker 1: I leave, then I you wanna way back home?
Speaker 2: Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how
Speaker 2: much baggage you claim and give us time and a
Speaker 2: turmanol and gay.
Speaker 1: We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome
Speaker 1: you back home. Tell us all about every scared or
Speaker 1: was it fine? Malborn?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do your need ride?
Speaker 3: Welcome to do you need to ride? This is Chris.
Speaker 1: Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff.
Speaker 3: We're driving. We are driving.
Speaker 1: We certainly are driving.
Speaker 3: We're in a moving motor vehicle.
Speaker 1: We're in a moving motor vehicle. And we have a guest.
Speaker 1: It's almost like the old time.
Speaker 3: It is like the old time.
Speaker 4: We might just take our guest to Lax, even though
Speaker 4: he has a show in town and that would be
Speaker 4: in convenient.
Speaker 3: Forum.
Speaker 5: We force him out of the car at Lax and
Speaker 5: be like, sorry, that's the agreement.
Speaker 3: Sorry, you read our mission statement that we did we
Speaker 3: ever write it up?
Speaker 1: Yep, we wrote it up. We made him sign it.
Speaker 1: He docu signed it through email.
Speaker 5: It's too late, ladies and gentlemen, Guy Brandon this year
Speaker 5: with us today?
Speaker 6: When will there be sweeping? Do you need a ride
Speaker 6: related legislation? When will a proposition ban podcasting? Well? Drive?
Speaker 1: This is this year twenty sixteen. When you go to.
Speaker 5: Vote for Trump, we also would like you to vote
Speaker 5: against this podcast.
Speaker 1: If you could.
Speaker 4: Sorry, as usual, I'm having your man kids and picking up.
Speaker 4: Sorry at all, darn it all. Okay, I'm gonna turn
Speaker 4: that one up.
Speaker 1: Turn it up.
Speaker 3: There we go.
Speaker 4: You sound terrific. Now, I think there's a kink in the.
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe we're not supposed to wrap them so tight?
Speaker 3: Is a kink in the armor?
Speaker 1: Nope, I don't like it.
Speaker 5: You're not allowed to say it anymore. I was just
Speaker 5: I was just being racist.
Speaker 6: Karen, can your all of your lines from the beginning of.
Speaker 1: Clink It Clink in the Armor? Hello, everybody, It's me
Speaker 1: Karen Kilgarriff, And I'm Chris.
Speaker 3: This is I'm on the ones and twos.
Speaker 1: Like I used to be, Yeah, and driving.
Speaker 4: And uh and and the levels are off the off
Speaker 4: the hook.
Speaker 5: Chris looks like the you know in Sesame Street where
Speaker 5: that guy would come out and they'd be.
Speaker 1: Like ten coconut cream pies.
Speaker 5: Maybe like balancing a bunch of pies and then he'd
Speaker 5: fall down the stairs.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: Remember that that's what Chris is doing right now.
Speaker 6: That isn't something that I remembered, but now that you
Speaker 6: say it, it sounds like something that lives in my brain.
Speaker 1: It does. I'm old and you're young.
Speaker 3: The only difference between me and that guy is that
Speaker 3: you never got to see him sweat, whereas right now
Speaker 3: and I anguish over these little knobs.
Speaker 6: Literally, everyone's seen me sweat.
Speaker 3: It's what I do.
Speaker 1: It's kind of your act.
Speaker 4: I went in to get acupuncture and cupping done, made
Speaker 4: popular by Michael Phelps's back. Yeah, and it was amazing.
Speaker 4: But when I went in there and shook the lady's hand,
Speaker 4: she said, you sweat a lot. You should stop drinking
Speaker 4: so much.
Speaker 1: Karen, whoa on as she touched your hand.
Speaker 3: Yes, I think she also looked at my tongue.
Speaker 6: Karen, I'm not okay with guys. Guys like Chris Fairbanks
Speaker 6: benefiting from the hard work done by feminists gay rights
Speaker 6: advocates to be able to just now, in this postgender world,
Speaker 6: they can just go get cupping done. Yeah, that's right, juice,
Speaker 6: and they don't have to feel one like one iota
Speaker 6: of shame about her.
Speaker 5: No, there's no one will stand outside the acupuncture place
Speaker 5: and call them an f right.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's I never knew that all the different ways
Speaker 4: I was being insensitive.
Speaker 6: Christ you just want to write and then take me
Speaker 6: to my po box.
Speaker 3: That sounds great.
Speaker 4: It's so funny that I will never be I'm like
Speaker 4: frozen at a red light because of well it's red.
Speaker 1: Yeah it is red. I'm supposed to do anything.
Speaker 3: I'm legally frozen at this Red.
Speaker 6: Lights only happens when you're frozen.
Speaker 1: Let it go, Let it go, Let it go. I'n't
Speaker 1: gonna van hold you down. I don't really know that song,
Speaker 1: but it is.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is a combination with the popular karate theme.
Speaker 6: Okay, I had some song I so wanted to learn.
Speaker 6: I wanted you to learn how to do it on
Speaker 6: the guitar and what it is now. But I was like, oh,
Speaker 6: what if Karen's saying this is it.
Speaker 5: Stay by Rihanna? Because I know it. I love that song.
Speaker 5: That's a classic ballad that she did. She she went off.
Speaker 5: She veered off from her dance numbers and her remixes
Speaker 5: and her really trying to you know, really trying to
Speaker 5: get that slice of the population. She just did a
Speaker 5: piano ballad with some There is a there's.
Speaker 3: A song by Tame and Paula that's indie rock band.
Speaker 3: They're great. And a song came on and I said, oh,
Speaker 3: I love this song.
Speaker 4: This is Tame and Paula, and April shazamed it and said, no,
Speaker 4: it's Rihanna. I'm like, oh my god, you couldn't be
Speaker 4: more wrong, Rihanna, that's hilarious. I shazamed it and it
Speaker 4: was Tame and Paula.
Speaker 1: Ooh.
Speaker 4: But it was a spot on cover that she did
Speaker 4: of Tame and Paula the most random to me, very
Speaker 4: it's it's it's not in something in her normal wheelthouse.
Speaker 3: Well, now I love her.
Speaker 5: I love her because I think her wheelhouse was forced
Speaker 5: upon her when she was seventeen beautiful young discovered singer
Speaker 5: in Jamaica or wherever she was, Barbados, and now she's
Speaker 5: actually going I have really good tastes. So how about
Speaker 5: I decide what I'm going to perform.
Speaker 6: Think about Rihanna is that she's interesting, like underneath been
Speaker 6: never talking. She's interesting and has a lot of fucking opinions.
Speaker 1: Yes, and is funny.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and she her nails are very pointy, which I respect.
Speaker 5: She has catlike nails. And she's somebody I knew and
Speaker 5: I can't remember who it was. Got to eat dinner
Speaker 5: with her one night and said, she's so gorgeous in
Speaker 5: real life.
Speaker 1: You just can't stop staring at her.
Speaker 4: All.
Speaker 6: Right, here's a beautiful story. Okay, I was at rage
Speaker 6: how long ago, so long ago that people still went
Speaker 6: to rage, And it must have been summer of two
Speaker 6: thousand and five, and I was walking out and a
Speaker 6: song came on and I turned around and I pointed
Speaker 6: up the large screen that was playing the video and
Speaker 6: I said her.
Speaker 4: And.
Speaker 6: It was Rihanna and it was Ponder Replay. And not
Speaker 6: a lot of people remember Ponder Replay. I do because
Speaker 6: it is, you know, a badass Barbadian dance hall. Yeah,
Speaker 6: but it was real, real good and forced you to
Speaker 6: dance to it, and I love it.
Speaker 4: And at that time, no one knew her. And when
Speaker 4: you say her, you were announcing her future success.
Speaker 6: Yes, I was just letting everyone know that I had
Speaker 6: decided that was correct. Pop.
Speaker 5: That was like a guy Brandham knighthood to Rihanna. She
Speaker 5: doesn't understand that that actually made her in this town.
Speaker 3: Also, what we don't know is at the time he
Speaker 3: was holding a magic.
Speaker 4: Wand in old Stardust Speckless got across rage.
Speaker 6: Keep going to dohemy, Oh, let or you can go,
Speaker 6: you can go down. I'm sorry that I'm making you
Speaker 6: take me.
Speaker 5: You have to let you have to let Chris feel
Speaker 5: his way around the city, right, respect.
Speaker 3: I don't know. I think I'm turning left just to
Speaker 3: avoid those cars.
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm sure you are.
Speaker 6: What if, Karen, what if I made you just drive
Speaker 6: around Beverly Hills Flats and we looked for a nice
Speaker 6: single family.
Speaker 1: Home, hopefully with an oil derek in the backyard.
Speaker 3: Is an oil derek one of those pamelas think it's
Speaker 3: called a Derek.
Speaker 1: I believe.
Speaker 4: So I went to uh I did end up in
Speaker 4: a George Bush's hometown at a club called Wolfers and Tweeters,
Speaker 4: which are two different sized speakers. Yeah, and every single
Speaker 4: house there had a oil dereck in their yard.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just modest looking.
Speaker 1: Homes with oil just yeah, because you never know, you.
Speaker 4: Never know when you're you don't even know you're fixing
Speaker 4: to tap into some black gold.
Speaker 6: Those people will be so rich until they get cancer.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 5: Oh good, And maybe and maybe just in time to
Speaker 5: get cancer, that would be the magic.
Speaker 4: It's hard to time cancer. It usually comes unexpectedly.
Speaker 6: But in Texas, Karen, what's your cancer of choice?
Speaker 1: I guess it would be scalp if I got to choose,
Speaker 1: that's actually terrible cancer.
Speaker 6: You're gonna lose your hair anyways, It's right.
Speaker 5: It's terrible of me to say, because you know why
Speaker 5: I said that subconsciously is because my dad does have
Speaker 5: He got melanima on his head and it turned it
Speaker 5: for like a very stress full two weeks. They were
Speaker 5: like it could have gone through to his brain, and
Speaker 5: so we just had to wait it out. It was,
Speaker 5: you know, we had a bad decade and from the
Speaker 5: two thousands to the twenty tens it was very dark
Speaker 5: in the Kilgarath household. But it didn't go through. Everything's fine.
Speaker 5: They zapped it. He lost the few remaining hairs on
Speaker 5: his head that he had left like Hilmer Simpson and
Speaker 5: then but he has had a little wound that has
Speaker 5: grown or shrunk over the.
Speaker 3: Years, an everlasting wound.
Speaker 5: And everlasting wound, and he actually recently had to go
Speaker 5: have it like treated, because it's like it's just this
Speaker 5: thing that that it was healing.
Speaker 1: And then he would he wouldn't leave it alone. He
Speaker 1: w'ud kind of pick it.
Speaker 5: And so basically over the years he's screwed up his
Speaker 5: own head wound and now he finally has it so
Speaker 5: that it's almost gone.
Speaker 3: Wow. Gross, Are you sure you want scalp?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Actually, I'm gonna change my mind it tongue.
Speaker 3: What does it say about me that I'm I want testiculars?
Speaker 4: I mean I don't want to have kids. I just
Speaker 4: know it's opera.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 6: It seems like very that's right.
Speaker 1: You can just get rid of it.
Speaker 6: Guy.
Speaker 1: Oh go ahead, wait did you answer no?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I was just gonna add the testicular cancer seems
Speaker 4: like more and I could just take care of myself.
Speaker 1: Just feel around for the lump. Scoop it out, yep,
Speaker 1: don't look back.
Speaker 3: Standard variety garden chairs.
Speaker 5: Would you have to go up into the mountains and graphic, Yeah,
Speaker 5: you know, get.
Speaker 1: Away from of course. People go down by.
Speaker 3: The creek, drink some deer blood.
Speaker 1: Say a there's some whiskey, bite a belt. Guy, what
Speaker 1: is your cancer of choice?
Speaker 3: Yeah? What kind do you want?
Speaker 6: Look, you guys have been talking for a while and
Speaker 6: so I've gone through it in my head. Do I
Speaker 6: want one of the blood cancers? Do I want a
Speaker 6: nice lymphoma?
Speaker 1: Oh that's too fast.
Speaker 6: I know it's too fast. I mean, honestly, the answer
Speaker 6: is probably melanoma. Like you just want to get on
Speaker 6: top of it. Look, I'm a man with a lot
Speaker 6: of growth. But recently a nice germantologist told me they're
Speaker 6: all fine, good, really good.
Speaker 1: That's a huge relief, right it is.
Speaker 6: But I think like that's just something that they can
Speaker 6: cut off of you, and that's fine. And my organs
Speaker 6: I'm using all of them.
Speaker 1: Yeah you need those, right, Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're right,
Speaker 1: that's a good choice.
Speaker 5: I mean, I'm melanoma is probably where I'm headed, just
Speaker 5: because that's how it isn't my family.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just the it's the Irish way.
Speaker 4: I just want to have a cancer survivor on my
Speaker 4: Twitter bio.
Speaker 6: Oh, my friend Heather McDonald, she would always been declaring
Speaker 6: her birthday, say forty six in cancer free, even though
Speaker 6: she's never had cancer, which is why I love Heather McDonald.
Speaker 1: I love her too. That's fucking hilarious.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you just make everyone assume.
Speaker 6: Yeah, just like be positive? Why not just lean into it?
Speaker 5: I went to high school. I think we've talked about
Speaker 5: this on this podcast. The girl who claimed to have
Speaker 5: a double mestectomy from breast cancer and then jogged a marathon.
Speaker 1: No, and then this was out of high school.
Speaker 6: This was afterwards.
Speaker 1: But we knew her.
Speaker 5: My sister really liked her and she was a super
Speaker 5: cool girl or whatever. But then it turned out she like,
Speaker 5: she got all this press for being this breast cancer
Speaker 5: survivor and all this stuff, and then it turned out
Speaker 5: she never had it.
Speaker 6: Oh, make a.
Speaker 3: Left here, Okay, is this not a dead end?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 1: Is it?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 6: It's going And if you can make a left under dheiny,
Speaker 6: do that terrific. If not, I've just made everything complex.
Speaker 6: And I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: No, and you've ruined my double breast cancer store.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry, Karen, forget it. I'm sorry, so so so
Speaker 6: she lied about it. Yeah, and then what happened.
Speaker 1: No, that's all? Oh I mean, oh yeah you can't.
Speaker 4: Oh this is a they won't allow us to even
Speaker 4: live our lives.
Speaker 5: They're forcing us to go down Santa Montica.
Speaker 3: Rage it is.
Speaker 6: No one goes there anymore.
Speaker 1: I told you, do you think they would take Arihana.
Speaker 6: Requests Karen, why do you think she made up breast
Speaker 6: cancer in high school?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 5: No, no, it happened after high school. We knew her from
Speaker 5: high school. I think that when people make up diseases
Speaker 5: like to and actually end up getting pressed for them,
Speaker 5: I think they just got left in a room as
Speaker 5: a baby too much, something along those lines.
Speaker 6: Have you ever considered a nice fake cancer to like
Speaker 6: jump start your career?
Speaker 1: I have? You know what?
Speaker 5: I took it in a different direction. The thing I
Speaker 5: considered for a while when things weren't going well in
Speaker 5: my career. I was like, I could just check into
Speaker 5: a mental hospital because I can smoke and watch TV
Speaker 5: in my pajamas all day long. And that was really
Speaker 5: a thing that I considered. And then thank god, I
Speaker 5: got a writing job and everything turned around for me.
Speaker 3: Do you uh? And I can't've bragged about a lot,
Speaker 3: but it's actually gonna happen.
Speaker 4: I'm going to get one hip replaced and then hopefully
Speaker 4: the next one at the end of twenty twelve. How
Speaker 4: do I hip replacement seem scary?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: How do I make how do I benefit off of this?
Speaker 5: Well, you you get a cane that has some kind
Speaker 5: of animal or famous person's face carved into the top
Speaker 5: of it, okay, and then when you walk on stage,
Speaker 5: you do like seven bits about the cane.
Speaker 6: Like Tim Allen?
Speaker 3: Why would you honk it?
Speaker 1: Me? Karen?
Speaker 6: Who whose head should be on the cane?
Speaker 1: Oh? Tim Allen's a good idea.
Speaker 5: And then you can start making fun of Tim Allen's
Speaker 5: act by doing his bits.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good.
Speaker 5: Or maybe Milton Burle if you want to be like
Speaker 5: a classic about it.
Speaker 4: Oh, he I think I would love to commemorate. Well, Milton,
Speaker 4: I do remember how bad I am driving and talking?
Speaker 3: Yes, that's why happening.
Speaker 1: That's why I offered to do it. Yes, do you
Speaker 1: want me to do it?
Speaker 6: I'm okay, okay, Chris, Why do you have to have
Speaker 6: your hyperplas Is this because of all of that skateboarding
Speaker 6: you did? That seemed like a good idea at the time.
Speaker 3: No, just a gift from God.
Speaker 4: I have weird shaped bones, and I guess I've always
Speaker 4: kind of run like Tom Cruise.
Speaker 1: With blade hands.
Speaker 4: Yeah, blade hands, real short leg rapid but short leg
Speaker 4: movements and so stompy yeah, and I have my my
Speaker 4: femurs have the ball at the top have been described
Speaker 4: to me as melted ice cream. All right, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: go ahead and cut this person off. Oh boy, yeah,
Speaker 4: oh yeah, that's what I want, sirens. I want that
Speaker 4: guy on the wrong side of the road.
Speaker 1: And that was justin Bieber.
Speaker 6: We're driving past the Abbey, America's gay Bar.
Speaker 5: I went to the Abbey once, like I think I
Speaker 5: would say, like eight years ago, probably with Paige. I
Speaker 5: met Paige or I can't remember who I was meaning there,
Speaker 5: and it reminded me of the heyday of my drinking.
Speaker 1: In San Francisco.
Speaker 5: Okay, why because when I lived in San Francisco, all
Speaker 5: of my friends were gay men, and so I just
Speaker 5: was constantly super shit faced in a gay bar, which
Speaker 5: is the best place to be shited face, because there's
Speaker 5: like Rihanna videos, as we know, yes, and usually people
Speaker 5: are smoking menthols and there's just a there's an air
Speaker 5: of acceptance.
Speaker 6: And you know that ar situation where the worst thing
Speaker 6: they could happen to a blackout drunk woman is that
Speaker 6: somebody says that's not the lip color for you.
Speaker 5: Yeah, that's exactly that's the most vicious thing that's ever
Speaker 5: happened to me.
Speaker 1: In a gay bars, someone thought.
Speaker 5: I was a drag queen for one second, and he
Speaker 5: felt really bad. He was like, oh, I'm sorry, I
Speaker 5: thought you were my friend, and I go, what's her name?
Speaker 5: He was like, her stage name is lady Miss Champagne
Speaker 5: or whatever, and I was like, Oh, I'm going to
Speaker 5: be destroyed about this for twenty years.
Speaker 1: Anyway, see you later. I guess I need smaller eyebrows.
Speaker 1: The nineties were an ugly time for many of us.
Speaker 6: It's so weird to think about what everybody was doing.
Speaker 6: Though recently I watched four weddings in a funeral and
Speaker 6: the number of outfits that are completely wearable today, yes, stunning.
Speaker 6: You can make a right anywhere and go down to
Speaker 6: joheeny horrific.
Speaker 5: That's because the weird blousiness of the nineties is back,
Speaker 5: Like if you go to I went to urban Outfitters
Speaker 5: the other day knowing I had no business being there,
Speaker 5: and there were outfits in there that were that were
Speaker 5: triggering me of high school PTSD.
Speaker 1: Like, honestly, these big, wide, short like light pink sweatshirts that.
Speaker 5: They're trying to sell girls now really almost like belly sweatshirts.
Speaker 5: It's really weird, and it's exactly what it looked like
Speaker 5: in like the late eighties.
Speaker 6: The amount of midrift that's happening right now is like exciting.
Speaker 3: It is a sign.
Speaker 1: Can I just tell everybody?
Speaker 5: It's it's right now sprinkling in la which is a
Speaker 5: fucking miracle. It hasn't rained here in over nine months.
Speaker 3: I would say, right, I'm happy it's raining. I just don't.
Speaker 4: It's much like when I lived in Texas. When it
Speaker 4: rains here, people panic. They don't know how to react,
Speaker 4: and I don't trust anyone.
Speaker 1: No, you're right not to trust them.
Speaker 6: All right, you can just pull in really quickly along
Speaker 6: this street anywhere on the right here, right here. I
Speaker 6: we'll run inside. Now we'll get my mail.
Speaker 3: Oh, do you need a ride to your mail?
Speaker 6: I'm sorry, I'm making you guys do something that's fun.
Speaker 3: This is perfect?
Speaker 1: Is mail a euphemism for your drug dealer?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 3: I have to pick up a package and put it
Speaker 3: in my nose.
Speaker 1: He's going to be so wired when he gets back
Speaker 1: to this car.
Speaker 4: Oh, he's gonna upon receiving the drugs. Just Inhale them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean inhal them right, Yeah, you have to.
Speaker 4: Okay, I'm starting to feel bad. I there there was
Speaker 4: some sound issues, but I can doctor them. It's fine,
Speaker 4: It'll be fine. It just I just remember now. It's
Speaker 4: so much easier in the old studio.
Speaker 3: But this is fun.
Speaker 1: Wait are we recording?
Speaker 3: Yes?
Speaker 1: Oh okay, good?
Speaker 3: Yes, yeah.
Speaker 1: I put you to turn it off, just into be.
Speaker 3: Like like I like to do podcast commentary.
Speaker 1: I think we should.
Speaker 5: I mean, this is what we really go through every time.
Speaker 5: People need to know, right, it's not just all fun
Speaker 5: and games in here.
Speaker 4: No, no, especially for you. I want this car. I
Speaker 4: want this episode. I want this car episode to make
Speaker 4: people miss the fact that I'm able to speak in
Speaker 4: the studio.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's right. Yeah, yeah, good plan.
Speaker 6: There were no checks, everybody.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sorry.
Speaker 6: We were all hoping for checks, but there were no checks.
Speaker 1: Do you need twenty dollars till tomorrow?
Speaker 6: No care?
Speaker 1: I twenty from the last.
Speaker 6: Time, Karen, shut up. I just it's fun when they're checks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, those green envelopes from the WGA.
Speaker 6: There were, however, two billing notices from Writers Guild Insurance
Speaker 6: telling me that they had paid for things Oh, that's
Speaker 6: always nice.
Speaker 1: That is nice.
Speaker 6: I have good insurance.
Speaker 1: I believe I'm in arrears with the Writer's Guild right now.
Speaker 1: I don't understand how to do those.
Speaker 6: Who isn't Karen, OK, we're not going to get screeners
Speaker 6: and that's okay.
Speaker 3: Do you get insurance? Do you both have good insurance?
Speaker 1: Because of the right it's amazing.
Speaker 6: Would you like to marry one of us?
Speaker 3: I have the SAG insurance, which I think is okay.
Speaker 1: Well, that's good. It's hard to qualify for Chris.
Speaker 3: I'm happy that I got it.
Speaker 1: Congratulated.
Speaker 6: You work that regularly.
Speaker 4: I just oh commercials, yes, oh yeah, No, one knows
Speaker 4: about the commercials. It's the best way to be in SAG.
Speaker 1: It's the Fairbanks dirty secret.
Speaker 6: It is so dirty, and you make so much money
Speaker 6: from commercials.
Speaker 3: Yeah, just selling cat food up in Canada or whatever.
Speaker 6: Little Dan Gill, little Dan Gill is raking it in.
Speaker 1: Who's that?
Speaker 6: Dan Gilli is one of the the rough writers or
Speaker 6: free writers or whatever they were called. He's the handsome
Speaker 6: one with a mustache. He's tall and handsome.
Speaker 1: What is this? What is this?
Speaker 3: Is it like the minute Men?
Speaker 1: No talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Speaker 6: No, there were those four comedians who ran a show.
Speaker 6: It was cowboy themes. It was David van Heusen, Colin
Speaker 6: what's his name?
Speaker 1: Oh boy theme. It was a cowboy themed every time.
Speaker 6: It was cowboy themed every time.
Speaker 1: That's exhausting. Every show you went to, they were like,
Speaker 1: welcome everybody.
Speaker 6: Yes, soundingly good?
Speaker 3: What's this in this city?
Speaker 6: Yes? How do you not know who David van Heuisen
Speaker 6: and Dan gil are Well?
Speaker 1: I think I've met David van Heisen.
Speaker 4: Yes, I think I just simply need to be reminded
Speaker 4: they were cowboy comedians.
Speaker 6: H and Daniel is a very similar mustache chokers Fairbanks.
Speaker 1: Oh do you feel mustache competition?
Speaker 3: I always do. Every time I say one, I size
Speaker 3: the guy up.
Speaker 1: It's so male of you.
Speaker 4: I'm like, he's probably doing that because he likes it,
Speaker 4: whereas I just do it because it got me sag insurance.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the only reason.
Speaker 1: I have this stupid thing, cause it gets you work.
Speaker 4: Yes, I'm otherwise, I'm just the most average boring person ever.
Speaker 6: There's always that question of is there that facial hair
Speaker 6: that makes me castaball?
Speaker 3: Yep, it is. It's a question constantly answered with the
Speaker 3: answer Yes.
Speaker 6: I never want to meet that facial hair of mine.
Speaker 5: Guys, this just makes me think I had a did
Speaker 5: a set last night that was mediocre would be a compliment.
Speaker 5: And as I was leaving, I thought of both of you,
Speaker 5: but Fairbanks, I thought of you most when I just
Speaker 5: thought of the last set I saw you do at
Speaker 5: the Improv Lab, and I just thought I.
Speaker 1: Wish I had an act like Chris's act.
Speaker 3: Oh boy, I never am accused of having an act.
Speaker 1: Well, you really do, and people just don't know I do.
Speaker 5: It's well, yeah, it sounds like you don't know you do,
Speaker 5: but you really do.
Speaker 6: Chris. You have an amazing act where at every stammer
Speaker 6: you could go in nine different directions, and it means
Speaker 6: that there are billions of different acts that could happen
Speaker 6: any night. Yes, and it's magnificent to watch.
Speaker 1: You're the sliding doors of stand up comedy.
Speaker 6: So true.
Speaker 1: What will we do this time?
Speaker 4: I think that it's the reason that I'm not on
Speaker 4: Comedy Central Instead, it looks like I'm unpredictable. Yes, Like,
Speaker 4: what if one of those sliding doors leads to nothing
Speaker 4: have happened?
Speaker 6: Could they have a really like restrictive concept of what
Speaker 6: they think stand up is. Yeah, it's it's a little
Speaker 6: bit weird to like go to the because I have
Speaker 6: direct TV in the place where I'm staying right now,
Speaker 6: and like you just like on demand, you just sort
Speaker 6: of like slide through everything. And I see all of
Speaker 6: these stand up specials from people who I'm like, they
Speaker 6: don't have an hour why.
Speaker 4: I think that a lot, But I don't want to
Speaker 4: seem jealous or make myself feel that way.
Speaker 1: Is a given. I mean, you're all jealous.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry, I'm being negative.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, I think it's part of it.
Speaker 6: It is a little bit like why, like why was
Speaker 6: this just cookie cutter enough that it like flowed through
Speaker 6: the system so easily.
Speaker 5: Well, it's funny to realize too that a lot of
Speaker 5: those decisions are made by people who are like I
Speaker 5: just like that person. I partied with them in Montreal,
Speaker 5: or I they complimented me correctly, or they didn't piss
Speaker 5: me off in a certain way. I mean, and it's
Speaker 5: you know, people rise to a certain level with the
Speaker 5: comedy and then where you go from there so often
Speaker 5: is political that you know, it's it's just the kind
Speaker 5: of random las vegasness of this.
Speaker 3: Town, political and a high school peer group type.
Speaker 5: Yes, we're never done with high school. High school is now.
Speaker 5: It's happening right now.
Speaker 3: Oh God, I hope I finally pass algebra, Karen, and I.
Speaker 6: Think I can say in the Las vegasness of Hollywood,
Speaker 6: I would say, we've all gotten three double bars. You know,
Speaker 6: we've all done Okay, gotten our forty dollars payout.
Speaker 5: We've gotten We've gotten insurance, which in a way is
Speaker 5: its own jackpod.
Speaker 6: Yes.
Speaker 4: All I want out of this career is to break even,
Speaker 4: is to leave what I came with.
Speaker 6: Karen, what's the most indulgent thing you do with your insurance?
Speaker 5: Well, I guess therapy, because I've been in therapy for
Speaker 5: so long. I feel like now if they told me
Speaker 5: I wasn't allowed to go anymore, I'd be like, I won't, Like,
Speaker 5: nothing bad will happen to me if I don't go anymore. Now,
Speaker 5: I go like to have a really awesome, deep discussion
Speaker 5: and have like many revelations with a woman whose opinion
Speaker 5: I respect. But maybe that I also I really do
Speaker 5: avoid going to the doctor because I'm positive they're going
Speaker 5: to tell me I have something very wrong.
Speaker 1: With me.
Speaker 6: That's always the fear.
Speaker 5: So I just I can't say I use my insurance
Speaker 5: as much as I probably should.
Speaker 6: I go to a wonderful total health place that gives
Speaker 6: me like be twelve injections and stuff like that. Wow,
Speaker 6: it's magical.
Speaker 4: And that's not I want to say cosmetic, but it's
Speaker 4: what is that called when it's not well?
Speaker 1: I think cosmetic? Yeah, like because you don't need it.
Speaker 1: It's not necessary.
Speaker 4: There's another word for it. But I'm no doctor. Let's
Speaker 4: not worry about it.
Speaker 1: Oh no, I'm gonna think about it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's there somewhere. But I went because of a
Speaker 4: bald spot on my head. Oh sorry, I'm chang king Layne's.
Speaker 4: They won't let me.
Speaker 3: Okay, sorry, Hi, I hope no one dies.
Speaker 6: Where did you go to a dermatologist?
Speaker 4: I've had this missing patch of hair on my Oh yeah,
Speaker 4: I've seen it top.
Speaker 6: Of my head for Yeah, you're a man over thirty.
Speaker 6: That happened.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, no, it's not centered. It's it's just
Speaker 3: a you know, you look at my.
Speaker 5: Hair, has tons of hair and then there's a little
Speaker 5: part that's gone.
Speaker 6: Yeah, bald spot on my head called my head since
Speaker 6: I was eighteen.
Speaker 4: Years old, so mine's different where it was like an
Speaker 4: alopecia thing and everyone said, oh, you're stressed out, except
Speaker 4: for the doctor, who said, that's what everyone says, it's stupid.
Speaker 3: I just was my hair was falling out of.
Speaker 4: A patch, and so he shot some stuff in there
Speaker 4: and I've been putting stimulants on it and it's comeback,
Speaker 4: but it's white.
Speaker 3: I have one of these white skunk patches.
Speaker 5: Oh you know why, I bet you there's something going
Speaker 5: on in that little patch.
Speaker 1: I mean, I am a doctor, and.
Speaker 3: That's exactly what told me.
Speaker 6: It was.
Speaker 4: I was reacting of being in pain, and he said
Speaker 4: they might have something to do with my hip pain.
Speaker 6: Oh that's terrible.
Speaker 1: That makes sense, I guess.
Speaker 4: So, yeah, that was the only thing he led to
Speaker 4: it before I mentioned my hip. It's like, do you
Speaker 4: have any chronic pain? I'm like, this hip makes me
Speaker 4: yell sometimes.
Speaker 6: Does your chronic pain make it mean for me to
Speaker 6: have accused you of deserving your hip for being a skateboarder?
Speaker 3: No, that's what I thought up until recently.
Speaker 4: I thought, well, it's it's one of these injuries or
Speaker 4: something I did knocked it out a whack. And then
Speaker 4: I but he said, no, your Bones formed Oddly. I'm like, oh, well,
Speaker 4: that's great.
Speaker 3: I didn't deserve that.
Speaker 1: Do you think that we should change the name of
Speaker 1: this podcast to do you Need a Hip?
Speaker 3: Just for a while until I get raised the fund, and.
Speaker 1: Then it's do you need another Hip?
Speaker 6: I think you guys should start an h indie pop
Speaker 6: group called Bones Forms Oddly.
Speaker 1: With really sad songs. Yeah, that's a good idea.
Speaker 4: I was trying to make a Bone's thugs and harmony,
Speaker 4: but it's just not there.
Speaker 3: And you already made the joke. Yeah, why do I
Speaker 3: try someone?
Speaker 6: I talk to Karen all the time? What's going on
Speaker 6: in your life?
Speaker 3: Oh? Thank you? Well?
Speaker 4: I uh, you know, I've been swimming quite a bit.
Speaker 4: I enjoy that for the hip. It's really the only
Speaker 4: form of meditation.
Speaker 3: That I have.
Speaker 6: Where do you swim?
Speaker 4: Being submerged in twenty four hour Fitnesses pool in Santa Monica,
Speaker 4: which is the murkiest band aid riddled.
Speaker 3: As I'm swimming, I.
Speaker 4: Periodically have to wipe off my fingers because women's hair
Speaker 4: is I mean, this is disgusting, but the pool horrible.
Speaker 3: Is it's a public pool.
Speaker 4: It's just murky, it's soup, it's it's a gulagh of
Speaker 4: hair and fluids.
Speaker 1: Can I tell you a horrible story?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 1: Are you ready?
Speaker 5: Yeah, there's a public pool. I just saw this on
Speaker 5: a show called True Nightmare, which is a pretty great
Speaker 5: show because they have like they put together like four
Speaker 5: stories that are just like gross things that have happened
Speaker 5: or upsetting things that have happened. And uh, there was
Speaker 5: a one. I can't remember what city this happened, but
Speaker 5: it was in a public pool in like a small
Speaker 5: town and a woman dove into the pool and she
Speaker 5: got sucked. She swam too close to the suction filter
Speaker 5: at the bottom of the pool.
Speaker 3: Was she one foot tall woman?
Speaker 1: No, what do you mean?
Speaker 3: I mean, what a powerful suction for? Yes, something.
Speaker 5: It was almost like something reversed whatever happened. She got
Speaker 5: caught at the bottom of the pool, drowned, and no
Speaker 5: one found.
Speaker 1: Her for three days.
Speaker 5: No, everybody was swimming in the pool four three because
Speaker 5: the water was murky. Because they said, the guy that
Speaker 5: was fixing the water, will you put on your intermittent wipers.
Speaker 1: It makes me nervous that they're not on. Karen.
Speaker 3: I just.
Speaker 6: Two deaths. I need to tell you about. Okay, well,
Speaker 6: one death and then a serious of death.
Speaker 3: Oh good.
Speaker 6: The first one directly relates to this. The next one
Speaker 6: is just your request for your other podcast.
Speaker 5: Okay.
Speaker 6: First one is there was a senator from somewhere in
Speaker 6: the Midwest and they had a jacuzzi and his granddaughter
Speaker 6: who was like four, went underwater but connected with the
Speaker 6: little like intake tube thing and it pulled out her guts.
Speaker 1: Holy, that's horrifying.
Speaker 6: Yes, it's horrifying. Second one, this is this is a
Speaker 6: formal request for your show.
Speaker 3: So many follow up.
Speaker 6: Are you are you all familiar with the my Way murders?
Speaker 1: What are they called them?
Speaker 6: They're called the my Way murders and it's a series
Speaker 6: of murders that have taken place in the Philippines. At karaoke,
Speaker 6: people sing my Way?
Speaker 1: Are you serious?
Speaker 6: Only my way? I will There is a Wikipedia entry
Speaker 6: for it. Hell, yes, get on it.
Speaker 3: Okay, it's are you kidding me?
Speaker 1: That's if you sing my way, someone kills you.
Speaker 6: It's like people become such dicks while singing. And let's
Speaker 6: remember this is the Philippines. This is one hundred million
Speaker 6: people doing karaoke every night. Yeah, these things come up
Speaker 6: but apparently people become such swaggering dicks when singing My
Speaker 6: Way that the like that there have been like in
Speaker 6: excess of four murders. That plays because like karaoke murders
Speaker 6: and the Philippines happened.
Speaker 4: Wo wow, How is it that that song and not
Speaker 4: Chumbawamba or one of these other.
Speaker 1: Or that one Jewel song where she sings like a baby?
Speaker 6: Chris, Chris the last great BuzzFeed video, and BuzzFeed did
Speaker 6: amazing work and It's time Love a good video about
Speaker 6: people eating snacks from other lands. But the last great
Speaker 6: video they did was they played for a bunch of millennials.
Speaker 6: They played them nineties music and their response to every
Speaker 6: nineties pop song was what's this? This is stupid except
Speaker 6: for one song that they universally adored and said, that's
Speaker 6: a great song. The answer to top.
Speaker 1: Yes, woknock. Don't you know why?
Speaker 5: Because it's it sounds like group chanting and the human
Speaker 5: the human ear and soul.
Speaker 1: Responds to a group chance.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's almost like House of Pain jump around where
Speaker 5: you're like, I'm not a racist, but I love this song.
Speaker 3: That's the Neil Diamond Virgin.
Speaker 4: Everyone loves that sweet they all get to reinactive from
Speaker 4: Beautiful Girls.
Speaker 3: It's not that popular of a movie.
Speaker 1: I thought I thought that you were doing I'm loving it, Donalds.
Speaker 3: No, that's about.
Speaker 6: That's so great.
Speaker 3: I just got.
Speaker 1: It's not good. It works.
Speaker 6: It comes to Neil Diamond. I'm a crunchy granola sweet man.
Speaker 1: That's a classic.
Speaker 5: Wait, oh, I was thinking of crackling Rosie.
Speaker 6: What is it?
Speaker 3: I never heard of your.
Speaker 6: Oh it's real dumb sing it. I forget quenching good No,
Speaker 6: La suite?
Speaker 3: Really?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 3: Wow, he's just who knew that? Half the time he
Speaker 3: was singing about cereal.
Speaker 5: No, it's a capin Rosie again on boat it's all
Speaker 5: the same.
Speaker 6: Yes, I like.
Speaker 3: Forever in Blue Jeans.
Speaker 1: Okay, and is a classic.
Speaker 3: It is a great one.
Speaker 6: Karen, we're currently driving past the cemetery where people watch movies.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 6: When did you, as a human being decide I don't
Speaker 6: have to sit on the ground to watch a movie.
Speaker 5: I guess I've known that since I can I could
Speaker 5: walk or talk. I think that I have been asserting
Speaker 5: my own I deserve a cushioned seat, if not better.
Speaker 1: Uh, for quite some.
Speaker 3: Time I didn't realize that's why. I didn't like going
Speaker 3: there either.
Speaker 4: And Dana Gold just screened he has a new series
Speaker 4: IFC series called Stan Against Evil.
Speaker 3: The guy kind of tough guy from Scrubs. What's his name?
Speaker 4: Uh no, no, yeah, yeah, and so he's the main
Speaker 4: guy in. So we just thought we were going to
Speaker 4: a friend group thing, but it was the people that
Speaker 4: put out the email list for the movie screenings. They
Speaker 4: are all showed up and it was packed. But this
Speaker 4: time they had pews like it was. It's a horror
Speaker 4: themed thing, so it was like HALLOWEENI and there was
Speaker 4: pews set up and blankets and things that they provided
Speaker 4: and chair and it was the best. I had so
Speaker 4: much fun because I was sitting not on the ground.
Speaker 4: I didn't realize, Well.
Speaker 6: You're somebody with like bad hips, you probably shouldn't be
Speaker 6: sitting on the ground.
Speaker 3: You're right, You're right.
Speaker 1: I can't imagine what sitting in a style would be
Speaker 1: like for you.
Speaker 3: I've never ever successfully done it.
Speaker 4: And he said, once I get my hips replaced, I
Speaker 4: will for the first time comfortably.
Speaker 3: Sit across legged.
Speaker 1: Wow, I have to be there for that week market style.
Speaker 3: I will. I'm very excited.
Speaker 4: I did call a friend he was on the doctor's wall,
Speaker 4: and I know him, and I said, they do get
Speaker 4: this under your hips, and he said, yes, four months apart.
Speaker 4: It's the best thing I ever did. I can fall
Speaker 4: asleep with my knee touching. I can lay on my
Speaker 4: back and fall asleep with my knee touching the mattress
Speaker 4: for the first time ever.
Speaker 1: Wow.
Speaker 3: So I'm very excited. It's wonderful, very excited to get
Speaker 3: that surgery. I can't say how excited, don't know I am.
Speaker 6: Do you think that you should wait for them to
Speaker 6: have super hips that they can give you so you
Speaker 6: can jump real far and stuff?
Speaker 4: I wanted to wait, but now the pain is to
Speaker 4: where I'm tired of waiting and I need to be
Speaker 4: a boy again again.
Speaker 1: Do you sometimes when you're swimming sing, I don't want
Speaker 1: to wait.
Speaker 3: I do hips to be But it sounds like.
Speaker 1: The song the whole song?
Speaker 6: Who sang that song?
Speaker 1: Paula Cole?
Speaker 6: Sometimes I get the ladies from the nineties confused with
Speaker 6: each other, which is hard because that was supposed to
Speaker 6: be one of the apex of my life.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but there's so many similar It was like the
Speaker 5: girl that's saying I'm a bitch is merit to somebody.
Speaker 1: Yes, I want to wait.
Speaker 6: As a Paul Cole, I liked Joan Osborne the best.
Speaker 6: She was rare, she was old and angry.
Speaker 5: She you knows why I always loved John Osborne. I
Speaker 5: didn't necessarily I wasn't that familiar with her music. But
Speaker 5: I was at Janine Groffolo's house in New York one
Speaker 5: time and she uh was listed on like a worst
Speaker 5: dressed some rude, shitty thing in a fashion magazine.
Speaker 3: She was on and because of her nurse ring.
Speaker 5: And Joan Osborne sent her like a fruit basket because
Speaker 5: Joan Osborne was also on the Life and it was
Speaker 5: like congratulations we made it or something, and I was
Speaker 5: just like, oh my god, that's the coolest thing ever.
Speaker 5: Like Jeanine was had her feelings genuinely hurt, and then
Speaker 5: was like, oh, Joan Osborne's okay, that's beautiful.
Speaker 3: She did the what if God were one of us? Yes, yes,
Speaker 3: I did not enjoy that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a tough one.
Speaker 3: It was. It was, but I and listen to the
Speaker 3: rest of our body of work.
Speaker 1: I think you know, lydia talented.
Speaker 6: Twenty year old me thought it was so meaningful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just a slob, Like, what if God was a slob?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 4: What if he occasionally yelled at racist things while driving?
Speaker 1: Well, one of us?
Speaker 6: You haven't yelled at a kid the whole time I've
Speaker 6: been in here. Well, I guess there aren't kids being rowdy,
Speaker 6: But I like that the kids you yell at are
Speaker 6: like of the exact same flavor of rowdy kid that
Speaker 6: you still are.
Speaker 3: I suppose I do. I've quite yelling at people. I've
Speaker 3: tried to curb that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Chris, it's pretty chill, Karen.
Speaker 6: Why were the nineties? Why were the nineties all drag
Speaker 6: queens and women with meaning? They seem at odds with
Speaker 6: each other?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 5: You know what's funny is not only are they not
Speaker 5: at odds with each other, but I think that we've
Speaker 5: all learned through RuPaul's Drag Race that drag queens and women,
Speaker 5: if they would just get together, can change the world.
Speaker 1: And we are starting to get together.
Speaker 6: Wait, do you ever get mad that you have not
Speaker 6: yet been like one of the coaches on Stand Up
Speaker 6: Comedy Week on RuPaul's Drag Race. God knows they'll they'll
Speaker 6: never ask.
Speaker 1: I don't even understand that question.
Speaker 3: They had Stand Up Comedy on.
Speaker 6: OK, like once every other season they have them do
Speaker 6: stand up and they call in like advisors and they
Speaker 6: scrape the barrel like they do they are open micers. Uh,
Speaker 6: there's this woman Devin Green who like is only like
Speaker 6: she just performs at acbar like there's no there's no way.
Speaker 6: Then she's probably just friends with the producer. I mean,
Speaker 6: there have been many ladies who are great, like they
Speaker 6: had Arden Marine on and Heather McDonald, but they were
Speaker 6: just like match game people. I don't think either of
Speaker 6: them were actual stand up comedy advisors and I would
Speaker 6: like respect that, but it's like I guess they had
Speaker 6: the Chelsea Peretti on recently, but she didn't actually say anything,
Speaker 6: which was weird.
Speaker 1: But what we're weird.
Speaker 6: What we're saying to the do you need to ride
Speaker 6: audience is if you or one of your ex lovers.
Speaker 6: He's a producer on RuPaul's Drag Race, Karen Kilgarriff should
Speaker 6: be providing advice.
Speaker 5: And now I ask Karenkilgarriff, I would just like to
Speaker 5: say real quick, I don't want to. I don't want
Speaker 5: and first of all, drag queens don't need anybody's help
Speaker 5: to be funny. There are men who dress up like women.
Speaker 5: They can defend and attack whoever and whatever they.
Speaker 1: Want at any time.
Speaker 5: That's why, and I've said this before, drag queen comedy
Speaker 5: is my favorite. If we go to a bingo game,
Speaker 5: if we go to the Casito del Campo basement and
Speaker 5: go watch a show, whatever it is, I am delighted
Speaker 5: to start to finish because I love viciousness, I love
Speaker 5: a good reference, and I love a ton of flipliner.
Speaker 1: Outside of the natural lipline, that's it's that's everything I need.
Speaker 1: I don't have anything to teach those people. They could
Speaker 1: teach me, Karen.
Speaker 6: For a long time, I tried to do a joke
Speaker 6: about how in Los Angeles the only difference between lesbians
Speaker 6: and non lesbians is maybe the lesbians liplenner is slightly
Speaker 6: too dark. No one ever thought that was a funny joke.
Speaker 1: You never said that in front of me. Oh, I
Speaker 1: feel like I know exactly who you're talking about in
Speaker 1: that one.
Speaker 6: It's the universal truth of the universe. It's like, what's
Speaker 6: what's going on there? What is Her eyebrows are sculpted,
Speaker 6: but not in the way.
Speaker 5: That I will But there's a me Vita loga situation
Speaker 5: happening with the lip area.
Speaker 4: Is it not as common as I think? But I
Speaker 4: would do it? Vias a woman to tattoo permanently make up?
Speaker 4: Why would you not?
Speaker 3: It doesn't last, It doesn't last.
Speaker 6: No, you don't want the same look every time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you need to.
Speaker 4: You would think with eyebrows you'd pick a pair and
Speaker 4: like them and not want to gamble with that.
Speaker 1: That's true.
Speaker 5: But an eyebrow tattoo is gonna look real crazy, like
Speaker 5: you're basically going to uh, yeah, you don't. You don't
Speaker 5: want to have to do that, you want you don't
Speaker 5: want to do that unless you have to like it. Say,
Speaker 5: bringing back around to our fun topic of cancer, if
Speaker 5: all your hair fell out and you just wanted to
Speaker 5: tattoo some eyebrows on so you don't have to do
Speaker 5: it every day. But for the most part, I think
Speaker 5: that's just gonna look too harsh.
Speaker 6: Chris, have you ever had to day to night a look?
Speaker 3: Have I ever had to?
Speaker 6: What data night a look? Take a look from day
Speaker 6: to night with oh, you know, some heels pearls?
Speaker 3: Why am I? There's it's funny that I'm maybe I'm
Speaker 3: having a stroke right now?
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no.
Speaker 3: I never say can you say that a third time?
Speaker 4: That's when I that's when I just pretend that I understood,
Speaker 4: and I just go yes, of course, just last Wednesday,
Speaker 4: like I give up.
Speaker 1: Listen.
Speaker 5: He's what he's saying is it's a shorthand that even
Speaker 5: I really haven't heard before, but that you're out all
Speaker 5: day long, and so you you have to take your
Speaker 5: outfit from day which is just like the answer is no,
Speaker 5: you have to take your outfit from day night. So
Speaker 5: you have to like figure out a way to dress
Speaker 5: it up so that you go from like say, fucking
Speaker 5: around shopping to like a show at the nerd melt.
Speaker 3: Oh.
Speaker 4: It's the only reason I've ever done stand up in shorts.
Speaker 4: I'm like, this is what I Nothing makes me have
Speaker 4: less confidence than looking down and seeing my spindly legs
Speaker 4: and lack of calves. And I don't want to be
Speaker 4: powerless on stage. Of course, you want to be confident.
Speaker 4: I can't even walk confidently while in shorts, yet I've
Speaker 4: done stand up in them a dozen times. That's because
Speaker 4: I couldn't make it home all the way to Venice.
Speaker 4: I've been on stage sweaty. Yeah, I suppose the ocean
Speaker 4: is a terrible place.
Speaker 1: You need to pack a bag, though, you need to
Speaker 1: throw some options in a bag.
Speaker 3: That's a lifestyle.
Speaker 6: I don't want to leave beautiful just so far away.
Speaker 6: And you don't have to, Chris, because you're a man
Speaker 6: and nobody really judges you by what your outfit is.
Speaker 4: I do I if I see someone on stage in
Speaker 4: their gym clothes and I get upset, and I've done
Speaker 4: it myself and I don't feel good about it.
Speaker 6: I mean, anyone who's on stage in their gym clothes
Speaker 6: is working out on a regular basis, and thus I
Speaker 6: would find hot, and thus I would be okay with it.
Speaker 1: Our friend Oka, our all of our friends.
Speaker 5: Sean Green of the Some kind of a Sports podcast,
Speaker 5: He just did a tweet that was hilarious.
Speaker 1: That was like the one thing.
Speaker 5: The most common question I'm asked when I get off
Speaker 5: stage after her stand up comedy, said, is are those sweats?
Speaker 1: Which is, if you know him, the funniest joke.
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm a fan.
Speaker 6: I mean, in all likelihood, because I'm doing your podcast,
Speaker 6: I will be performing in shorts tonight. Yeah, I refuse
Speaker 6: to apologize for it.
Speaker 4: Don't do it it's just that thing I hang up
Speaker 4: I have, I don't. I can't even get on an escalator.
Speaker 6: And it's beautiful, powerful calves you do.
Speaker 5: I watched you walk into that mailbox place and your
Speaker 5: calves they stand on their own.
Speaker 4: Your calves look like two squirrels wrestling in a knapsack.
Speaker 1: Your calves look like steers.
Speaker 3: But yeah, I have. The answer is yes, I have
Speaker 3: done that.
Speaker 4: I've had to make do with what I was wearing
Speaker 4: in the day because nighttime was suddenly upon me.
Speaker 1: And what do you do? You throw sweater around your neck.
Speaker 4: I usually keep a second layer in my trunk, sweaters,
Speaker 4: different shoes.
Speaker 6: You wear a lot of adorable sweaters on stage.
Speaker 3: I have underwear and socks in my trunk.
Speaker 6: You guys, you're saying that you have probably never heard
Speaker 6: data night means that you haven't read a women's magazine
Speaker 6: for thirty five goddamn years.
Speaker 5: No, no, it's not that I haven't heard it the way
Speaker 5: you were saying it, calling it a data nighting an outfit.
Speaker 1: Yes, I've never heard that.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I turned too many things into verbs data nighting.
Speaker 1: But I got it on the second repeat.
Speaker 6: Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 4: I still want it to be like just working late
Speaker 4: a light shift at some kind of data entry job.
Speaker 3: But it's not I mean, have you ever data nighted? Oh? Certainly,
Speaker 3: especially at the end of this Yes.
Speaker 1: I love to enter code.
Speaker 6: Ca What is your your favorite article in a women's magazine?
Speaker 5: I love a New year.
Speaker 1: Bedroom horoscope.
Speaker 6: Oh oh yeah.
Speaker 5: I need to know as a Taurus what I should
Speaker 5: be doing in the bedroom to please my man. That's
Speaker 5: that's probably the most interesting to me.
Speaker 6: Helpful if around April there were a twelve page Chinese
Speaker 6: zodiac like outfit pictoral, like everyone from each of the
Speaker 6: years going from seventeen to twenty nine wearing an outfit
Speaker 6: sort of inspired by the year of the Ram, would
Speaker 6: you savor that or would you probably just flip past it?
Speaker 1: Just outfits.
Speaker 6: It's women, it's beautiful women in outfits, and there's a
Speaker 6: little insert telling you what Year of the Ram means.
Speaker 3: Slip past.
Speaker 5: Okay, because fashion, although I absolutely regard it as an
Speaker 5: art and some people do it so breathtakingly, for the
Speaker 5: most part, it doesn't speak to me.
Speaker 1: It doesn't.
Speaker 5: I feel like it doesn't include me because it's like
Speaker 5: ballerinas who are wearing pashminas.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that rhymes. That's the beginning of my wrap.
Speaker 3: I love it was beautiful. Yeah, thank you so. Yeah.
Speaker 5: Most of the time when I look through a fashion magazine,
Speaker 5: I'm looking at makeup, I'm looking at eyebrows, I'm looking
Speaker 5: at hair sometimes and I'm looking at Oh, this is
Speaker 5: the look they want people to try to look like.
Speaker 4: Now, I've always been as far as the horoscope thing goes,
Speaker 4: and I hope I'm not totally changing the subject. No,
Speaker 4: please do didn't all didn't NASA just establish that that
Speaker 4: all has changed? And in this article I read, I
Speaker 4: am now what comes before Aquarius?
Speaker 3: Like, I don't even I'm a.
Speaker 6: Scored, a new sign of the zodiac.
Speaker 4: Yes, and why aren't people freaking out about this? Because
Speaker 4: it blows the lid off of their superstition and that
Speaker 4: I never believed in. H as excited for everyone to
Speaker 4: freak out, and there's been no backlash NASA, They're just
Speaker 4: ignoring it.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I think that people are like, well, I'm just a Taurus.
Speaker 5: I don't care.
Speaker 6: It was irrational before, it's irrational now. Stop trying to irrationalize.
Speaker 5: It wasn't ever truly based on planets. That was that
Speaker 5: was the rationalization. But in truth, it was just like, oh,
Speaker 5: I'm the bowl, I'm stubborn and earth earth bound, and
Speaker 5: I like flowers. It's always a bunch of shit that
Speaker 5: it really doesn't actually apply to me.
Speaker 1: But I'm like, yeah, this is known.
Speaker 6: Are you a Taurus?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 6: Your The thing is is my sister is a Taurus.
Speaker 6: So I was always like, I don't get along with Taurus.
Speaker 6: And the answer is really just I don't get a
Speaker 6: log with borderline personality.
Speaker 1: I mean, we are pretty bossy and pushy. That's definitely true.
Speaker 4: The only experience I've ever had where I did put
Speaker 4: any value in it or belief into it is when
Speaker 4: I walked into a bar with a friend of mine
Speaker 4: and this woman leaving what's like a drunk Her hair
Speaker 4: was all wild, and she goes, hey Aquarius, Hey Scorpio
Speaker 4: and walked out and neither of us knew this woman yeah,
Speaker 4: and she.
Speaker 3: Just called us hard. Yeah. It was horrifying to me,
Speaker 3: though I left early.
Speaker 6: I like that, are you a Scorpio.
Speaker 3: I'm a well, I don't know now.
Speaker 4: I know so little about it, and I'm not bragging.
Speaker 4: I just don't believe.
Speaker 6: If you were a Scorpio and we had spent three
Speaker 6: days in the same room and did not fuck. I
Speaker 6: would be like, what's wrong with us?
Speaker 1: Wait?
Speaker 3: We did spend three days in a room.
Speaker 6: I know, but we yes, but we didn't fuck. And
Speaker 6: I was saying, if we were both Scorpios, we would
Speaker 6: have been so deeply sexual that there would have been stopping.
Speaker 3: That's what that means.
Speaker 1: You're a Scorpio.
Speaker 6: I'm a Scorpio.
Speaker 3: What's apparently I'm.
Speaker 4: Everything I hear about Aquarius is that I'm a total
Speaker 4: asshole and I'm lying and I just want people to
Speaker 4: like me.
Speaker 3: But I'm a piece of shit and the age of you.
Speaker 3: I don't native day, day a night.
Speaker 5: You know who else is an Aquarius is Flanagan and
Speaker 5: he's not an asshole.
Speaker 1: He's good times.
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, it's it's.
Speaker 1: A sorry get that you just need to drive a
Speaker 1: little bit.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, sorry, yep. I yeah. I don't believe in it.
Speaker 3: I don't believe in it.
Speaker 4: It makes me furious when people demand that there's meaning
Speaker 4: in it.
Speaker 5: I feel like people like to be told about themselves
Speaker 5: and it doesn't really matter. I mean, I've read my
Speaker 5: horoscope every day and I know for a fact it's
Speaker 5: not really gonna apply.
Speaker 1: But that it'll be like today, your.
Speaker 5: Feelings might be sensitive, so I'm like, oh, I better
Speaker 5: be careful.
Speaker 6: Well, it's why people like okay Cupid because it's fun
Speaker 6: to answer questions about yourself.
Speaker 1: Oh wait, are you on okay Cupid?
Speaker 6: I haven't account I haven't looked at it in forever.
Speaker 6: As soon as someone is interested in me, I assume
Speaker 6: that they are not a valuable person. Then I move
Speaker 6: along and say, who can I swindle? On? Bread?
Speaker 1: Can I swindle?
Speaker 5: I should join a dating app just so that I
Speaker 5: could steal people's wallets.
Speaker 1: So I was like, that's the way to do it, Karen.
Speaker 6: Yesterday I went to a birthday party, a gay birthday party,
Speaker 6: and the standard and the guys were so hot that
Speaker 6: I became bored and disengaged. I was like, I don't
Speaker 6: what am I supposed to do here? Fuck all of you.
Speaker 5: It was kind of deadening to your senses to see. Yeah,
Speaker 5: that's what Los Angeles is like. It ruins good looking
Speaker 5: people because there's so many and there many of them
Speaker 5: are just a bummer.
Speaker 6: I mean, many of these people were fine, but it
Speaker 6: was like it was my friend Art and it was
Speaker 6: his boyfriend's birthday, and I just went over to Art,
Speaker 6: who was sitting with like our heterosexual friends and gay
Speaker 6: guys with graduate degrees, and they were just like bitching
Speaker 6: about baseball in the election, and I was like, I
Speaker 6: don't want to be one of these boring people. I
Speaker 6: want to be one of or I don't want to
Speaker 6: be one of these sad people. I want to be
Speaker 6: one of the boring hot people inside. But I can't
Speaker 6: pay well.
Speaker 1: But also, you're not supposed to be You're you're your
Speaker 1: local color. You are the artist.
Speaker 5: You are the rain bird is not the what you
Speaker 5: called me one time. You get to be the the
Speaker 5: rain bird?
Speaker 1: I think? Is that what you said?
Speaker 4: Oh wow, didn't you want I'm I'm the personality equivalent
Speaker 4: of a left handed oyster shucking glove.
Speaker 1: Yes?
Speaker 3: Did I say that right?
Speaker 6: Yes, it is one of my jokes.
Speaker 3: I love it. Well, I'm just saying it. Okay, back
Speaker 3: to Dred.
Speaker 6: That was about yourself or about Chris about myself.
Speaker 1: A left handed oyster shucking glove? Yes?
Speaker 6: Why because nobody like it's not for everybody. Most people
Speaker 6: don't need that, but you do need that. Are really
Speaker 6: excited to find it. Right, But no, it was a
Speaker 6: fun party. I'm just whining they were real hot though.
Speaker 5: I mean, I don't know these days. At a party,
Speaker 5: I need people who want to talk about the.
Speaker 1: Death of her parents. I think that's someone's joke.
Speaker 6: I just tole that's really funny.
Speaker 1: I think I feel like somebody has a bit like that.
Speaker 5: But but it really whoever did it was it wasn't
Speaker 5: word for word, but conceptually it's the same thing. But
Speaker 5: it's a thing of like I don't want to talk about, like,
Speaker 5: did you watch Game of Thrones anymore? I'm at that
Speaker 5: age now where I'm like, what's the saddest thing that's
Speaker 5: happened to you recently?
Speaker 6: But listen, Karen, I have something that relates to both
Speaker 6: of those things. Okay, let me tell you about Debbie
Speaker 6: Branham widow. Debbie Branham widow watches herself some prestige television.
Speaker 6: Oh there is no Larry Branham to bitch if you
Speaker 6: decide to watch stranger things. That's right, she and it
Speaker 6: was she's but it's always the weirdest thing. She is
Speaker 6: in love with HBO's divorce. There's the only human being
Speaker 6: of whom that is true.
Speaker 3: Sorry, Sorry that was some peeling out.
Speaker 4: It's raining and this has been my worst appearance on
Speaker 4: my own podcast.
Speaker 6: How is it that on the planet gets this much
Speaker 6: rain every moment of every day and it we just
Speaker 6: like our tires.
Speaker 1: Don't worry because I'll tell you there's a layer of oil.
Speaker 3: There's a layer of oil, and.
Speaker 1: On these streets there's what a year's worth of oil? Yeah,
Speaker 1: so it's crazy.
Speaker 5: I mean, that's why there's been fucking four ambulances since
Speaker 5: we've been reported.
Speaker 3: And I am on edge and I can't wait to
Speaker 3: be back in a studio.
Speaker 1: You're sweating a lot.
Speaker 3: You have the subject because I drink too much. Yes,
Speaker 3: got she knew so much about me.
Speaker 1: I love that.
Speaker 6: You guys should do an election night special ride in
Speaker 6: the car in the car. You should get a comedian
Speaker 6: and someone from NPR, like a Martine.
Speaker 1: Oh good idea, one of those voices.
Speaker 3: And yeah, I like it.
Speaker 6: I like it.
Speaker 3: It just seems like a lot of work.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean, we're never going to do it, but
Speaker 5: that's such a good idea. Oh but also, oh no,
Speaker 5: that's not election night. The night after election night, we're
Speaker 5: doing business Class and April just thought, oh, we should
Speaker 5: have all women on that show since we'll have our
Speaker 5: first female president.
Speaker 3: And then I started, no, you're on it.
Speaker 5: If it's all women, you're the headline. Oh, because I
Speaker 5: realized then that there's a very good chance that this
Speaker 5: badass woman is going to be president.
Speaker 1: And it just hit me, like.
Speaker 5: I'm so nervous that it could be that ludicrous piece
Speaker 5: of shit Donald Trump, that I just haven't even been
Speaker 5: considering the fact that it's a reality, like something that
Speaker 5: would make my mother so fucking happy and proud, and
Speaker 5: like that all this the women who are not interested
Speaker 5: in living to please their man or fucking get all
Speaker 5: their shit waxed and wear a thong. There's a whole
Speaker 5: generation and a whole you know, there's a whole culture
Speaker 5: of women who are about being smart and strong and
Speaker 5: taking care of business. And it's going to be popular again,
Speaker 5: just like in the nineties when Rosanne was on TV.
Speaker 1: It's going to come back.
Speaker 6: Well, there's some things are neat about. It's not just
Speaker 6: a lady president in the way that other countries have
Speaker 6: had lady presidents. It's like the most powerful person in
Speaker 6: the world, the person who makes the decisions for the world.
Speaker 6: It's gonna be a woman for like the first time
Speaker 6: in history.
Speaker 1: Yeah, in history, please let it happen.
Speaker 3: She can just stop having her period.
Speaker 1: She did about.
Speaker 6: Twenty Do you really think she would have confidently worn
Speaker 6: a white suit to that depiction if this were still
Speaker 6: an issue.
Speaker 5: It's my favorite when people talk about, like you don't
Speaker 5: want all their period. It's like the woman is sixty
Speaker 5: five years old.
Speaker 3: Yeah she still dresses like emperor.
Speaker 1: Yeah she's not afraid.
Speaker 3: Oh god, more death more.
Speaker 6: Siren was the first person to refer to them as
Speaker 6: maw tunics. That's other people are claiming it now.
Speaker 4: I really like that she because now that the people
Speaker 4: compile all of her I didn't notice each time she
Speaker 4: had an outfit on, But now that the old show
Speaker 4: side by side, what sorry, Oh.
Speaker 5: I'm sorry, there's the sixth Oh yes, the ambulance that
Speaker 5: we've just seen.
Speaker 6: I'm so on it.
Speaker 1: I know, I'm sorry.
Speaker 4: But her outfit, she's really got a look and she's like,
Speaker 4: I want I want collarless.
Speaker 3: Like, how would you guys describe her.
Speaker 1: It's a neighbor caller. It's a very complimentary.
Speaker 3: They look cool.
Speaker 4: It's like it's she's wearing really cool soup like futuristic
Speaker 4: lady suits and they're awesome.
Speaker 5: They're very much like the sci fi series that you
Speaker 5: love has finally come.
Speaker 6: Who's gather giving us Battlestar Galactica's.
Speaker 3: I heard James almost suits.
Speaker 1: It's what's the woman's name?
Speaker 2: Who?
Speaker 1: I love?
Speaker 6: McDonald?
Speaker 1: Yes, Mary McDonald.
Speaker 4: I can't wait for one of her outfits to have
Speaker 4: those stars and pepper buttons on each side, like cobble
Speaker 4: breast buttons.
Speaker 3: Oh god, I just want her to go full nautical.
Speaker 6: Yes, Karen, did you see anything of the Ousemith Dinner?
Speaker 1: No, just clips. I can't watch Donald Trump real time,
Speaker 1: like watching videos of him.
Speaker 5: I get so livid. I'm so offended he exists in
Speaker 5: this situation.
Speaker 1: It is such an uffront.
Speaker 5: It's so fucking offensive that she has to even play
Speaker 5: ball with that asshole.
Speaker 6: It's so typical well creating equivalencies between them in some
Speaker 6: way of trying to say yes, but she's bad too.
Speaker 6: It's like, shut up. Yes, she never said we should
Speaker 6: doubt the outcome of elections. She's she never bragged about
Speaker 6: like sexually assaulting people.
Speaker 5: She's not threatening to sue anybody. She's she's a consummate
Speaker 5: politician in every way.
Speaker 1: She's got a very very good education and she's not.
Speaker 4: Everyone's complained about her, like, oh, she's murdered people.
Speaker 3: That's she's a politician. She's done her job.
Speaker 6: People saying everybody's murdered that resulted in people dying. Calm down. Also,
Speaker 6: whoever whoever ran things without killing some people.
Speaker 5: I mean, let's talk about Digson. Dick Cheney has killed
Speaker 5: children with his hands, don't let's not.
Speaker 1: Let's not pretend.
Speaker 3: He's twisted their heads off like smoke detectives.
Speaker 5: And he just did it because it was like Thanksgiving
Speaker 5: and he was bored.
Speaker 1: It wasn't like Forbes.
Speaker 4: He just did it for the semi erection that provided him.
Speaker 4: Oh goodness, okay, I'm now I'm starting to hallucinate.
Speaker 5: Well, this is tough. This is tough, This is good
Speaker 5: la rain. No one else can handle it.
Speaker 1: It's dark. People are darting out like it's a goddamn
Speaker 1: video game.
Speaker 6: This is why, this is why we are in a
Speaker 6: severe drought. Because God starts your green and then he's like,
Speaker 6: Chris is real upset.
Speaker 1: Right now, yeah, and so is everyone else in this time.
Speaker 6: I'm going to stop this and we'll do it some
Speaker 6: other time. And when he tries it, Chris is just
Speaker 6: still like, Wow, this ship.
Speaker 3: I am stressed out, But guy, have you noticed? Isn't
Speaker 3: it nice? How Karen? It's just she's here to make
Speaker 3: me feel better.
Speaker 1: That's what I do.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: I you as a co host.
Speaker 4: I just want you to say thank you and that
Speaker 4: I don't take it for granted.
Speaker 5: Oh You're welcome, and I love you. You're my very good friend.
Speaker 5: It's a pleasure. Thanks, the pleasure doing business.
Speaker 1: With you, Chris.
Speaker 6: I've been supporting you in the way that I shouldn't.
Speaker 6: I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: No, oh god, that was in no way was I fishing?
Speaker 3: But thank you?
Speaker 6: And finally, Karen, have I told you about what I
Speaker 6: am going to do on election night Hillary Clinton wins?
Speaker 1: No, my vow.
Speaker 6: I'm going to walk around West Hollywood and I am
Speaker 6: going to shout at the top of my lungs. This
Speaker 6: is Wellesley's finest hour until all of the energy in
Speaker 6: my body is gone because of score one for women's college.
Speaker 1: Finally, now score one for everybody. Fuck?
Speaker 3: Do I take a rite here?
Speaker 6: Yes?
Speaker 3: Oh, look at this person being polite? Or am I wrong?
Speaker 3: I'm right? Wow?
Speaker 6: Thank you for giving me a fun ride, you guys.
Speaker 1: Oh, of course, thank you so much. For doing it.
Speaker 6: I did need a ride. I needed to get my mail.
Speaker 4: If they didn't, your mail wasn't or you there was mail,
Speaker 4: but just no checks.
Speaker 6: Yes, all right, for well.
Speaker 5: This has been Do you need a ride with Guy
Speaker 5: brand I'm glad you have any plugs you need to.
Speaker 1: Plug it up.
Speaker 6: Yes, my name is Guy Branda. Follow me on Twitter
Speaker 6: at Guy Brannham. You should listen to my podcast Pop Rocket.
Speaker 6: It has been guest hosted by Karen kil Gareff, but
Speaker 6: not yet by Chris Fairbanks. I will try to fix that.
Speaker 3: I would thank you, Karen.
Speaker 6: I have gossip about Pop Rocket that I need to
Speaker 6: share with you outside of the boundaries of this podcast.
Speaker 6: And I love you guys, and thank you for being
Speaker 6: my friends. And watch The Mindy Project on Hulu for
Speaker 6: which I write, and we'll be appearing as a bitchy
Speaker 6: gay nurse. Oh you on Springtime Springtime.
Speaker 3: Oh that's terrific.
Speaker 1: All right, run away, all right, all right.
Speaker 3: I will stay here.
Speaker 1: Do you have plugs?
Speaker 5: No, I think our only plug is just If you're
Speaker 5: in Los Angeles November ninth, the day after election day,
Speaker 5: we're going to do business class at the Improv Lab
Speaker 5: at ten pm.
Speaker 1: Please come.
Speaker 5: We will be celebrating Madam President Gina Davis. Please come,
Speaker 5: and it's me April Richardson, Chris Fairbanks, and it'll be
Speaker 5: many other lovely human beings.
Speaker 1: So we'd love to see you there.
Speaker 4: I now I can't stop thinking about the movie. Long kiss,
Speaker 4: good night. I really like Geena Davis.
Speaker 1: It's the best.
Speaker 3: I just want to end on that you've been listening to.
Speaker 3: Do you need a ride? D y n A R glup? Sorry?
Speaker 1: Are you leading? I?
Speaker 2: You wanna way back home?
Speaker 1: Either way we want to be.
Speaker 2: There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give
Speaker 2: us time and a terminal and gay. We want to
Speaker 2: send you off InStyle.
Speaker 1: You want to welcome you back home.
Speaker 2: Tell us all about it.
Speaker 1: We scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn?
Speaker 3: Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Speaker 1: Do you need need a ride? Do you ride? Do
Speaker 1: you need.
Speaker 3: With Karen and chriss
Speaker 1: M h