1
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:13,200
Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

2
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,760
Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast.

3
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:16,920
Speaker 2: My name is Kat.

4
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,279
Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are unfamiliar with

5
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,599
Speaker 1: what couch Talks is, it is the special bonus episode

6
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:27,200
Speaker 1: that comes out every Wednesday where I usually answer questions

7
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,640
Speaker 1: that you guys send to me at Catherine at you

8
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:34,239
Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now, as always, here's your

9
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,720
Speaker 1: reminder that although this is a podcast hosted by a therapist,

10
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,480
Speaker 1: this does not serve as a replacement for actual mental

11
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,839
Speaker 1: health services or substitute for any kind of therapy of itself.

12
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:49,080
Speaker 1: So I know, I just told you that this is

13
00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,360
Speaker 1: the episode where I answer questions that you sent to me.

14
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,279
Speaker 1: I am going to do something different today in our

15
00:00:55,280 --> 00:01:00,960
Speaker 1: little mini episode because I ran across an article in

16
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,360
Speaker 1: a Psychology Today issue, which is little magazine that comes

17
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,960
Speaker 1: out I think it's every other month that a lot

18
00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:12,640
Speaker 1: of therapists and psychologists and people like that write articles

19
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,400
Speaker 1: and share new information, and it's fun. Sometimes they have

20
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,080
Speaker 1: really interesting stuff in there. And I read an article

21
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,920
Speaker 1: last week called how to Cultivate Hope, and I really

22
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,120
Speaker 1: thought it would be nice to share some of what

23
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:31,360
Speaker 1: it said with you. Guys, Because hope is something that

24
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:35,160
Speaker 1: is enmeshed and woven into so many of the things

25
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:38,479
Speaker 1: that we struggle with in life. The lack of hope

26
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:42,080
Speaker 1: can be a really hard struggle to have as well.

27
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,559
Speaker 1: And I know that I have been in positions where

28
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,520
Speaker 1: I've even been scared to cultivate hope because I didn't

29
00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,120
Speaker 1: want to be disappointed. Because if I have hope in

30
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,200
Speaker 1: something and it doesn't work out the way I want it,

31
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,559
Speaker 1: Am I then going to feel stupid? Am I gonna

32
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,840
Speaker 1: have some shame? And who am I to think that

33
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:02,320
Speaker 1: I can have this kind of life? And hope is

34
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,760
Speaker 1: just such an interesting, complicated, unique, and also very precious thing,

35
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:11,840
Speaker 1: and most of us, if given the opportunity, want to

36
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Speaker 1: find ways to cultivate it in spaces where we just

37
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,839
Speaker 1: can't seem to access it. And a couple of years ago,

38
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,359
Speaker 1: I think it was like two years ago, I saw

39
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:26,320
Speaker 1: this post by a therapist. His name is Matthias Something.

40
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,480
Speaker 1: I'll look up what his last name is and post

41
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,400
Speaker 1: it in the show notes.

42
00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:33,480
Speaker 2: But he posted this video, which.

43
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,400
Speaker 1: I know I'm not gonna be able to find at

44
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,960
Speaker 1: this point, where he was talking about what people mean

45
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,760
Speaker 1: when they say everything's going to be okay. And I'm

46
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,560
Speaker 1: pretty sure that I actually talked about that post on

47
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,639
Speaker 1: some episode at some point, whether it was here or

48
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,400
Speaker 1: on the Fifth Thing with Amy Brown, but he was

49
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,320
Speaker 1: talking about what people really mean when they say things

50
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,320
Speaker 1: everything's going to be okay, because that's something that can

51
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,680
Speaker 1: feel really good and also can feel really like icky

52
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,600
Speaker 1: and talk and ballidating.

53
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,119
Speaker 2: And there's some timing involved with that sentence.

54
00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:09,200
Speaker 1: And he said, in some form or fashion in this

55
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,320
Speaker 1: post is that when people say that everything's going to

56
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:14,480
Speaker 1: be okay, they don't mean that everything's going to work

57
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,320
Speaker 1: out how you wanted. They don't mean that everything happens

58
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:22,560
Speaker 1: for a reason. They mean that despite life's circumstances, life

59
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,640
Speaker 1: can still surprise you, and life can still surprise you

60
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,520
Speaker 1: in good ways. And I loved that so much that

61
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,000
Speaker 1: I took a piece of it, and I actually have

62
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,560
Speaker 1: it hanging in my lobby. It was in my office office,

63
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,760
Speaker 1: but now it's in my little waiting room in my

64
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,400
Speaker 1: therapy office, because I think that was just it's just

65
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,360
Speaker 1: a good piece of I don't want to call it writing,

66
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,360
Speaker 1: but it's just a good piece of information to remember

67
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,000
Speaker 1: that everything's going to be okay. Doesn't mean that everything's

68
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,200
Speaker 1: going to work out how you want it. It means

69
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,880
Speaker 1: that there are things that you cannot even imagine with

70
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,520
Speaker 1: the size of our brains, and so we cannot assume

71
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,360
Speaker 1: or we cannot know that things not going the way

72
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,680
Speaker 1: we want them to means that things won't be good eventually.

73
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,840
Speaker 1: And that really changed my relationship with hope and has

74
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,080
Speaker 1: changed the way I talk about hope and I just

75
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,240
Speaker 1: really love it. So I want to share in this

76
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:17,520
Speaker 1: article that the author doctor Dan Jay tamalso Tamasulo, I

77
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,800
Speaker 1: think is how you say that he had five tips

78
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,480
Speaker 1: for how to cultivate hope, and so I'm going to

79
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,719
Speaker 1: share those with you, and I'm gonna let you do

80
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,400
Speaker 1: with those what you want to do with them. You

81
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,840
Speaker 1: can write them down, you can keep them, you can

82
00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:33,000
Speaker 1: throw them away, but I think they're worth paying attention to.

83
00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:35,919
Speaker 1: So the first thing he said in the article is

84
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:39,640
Speaker 1: that the secret to hope is to focus on what

85
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,680
Speaker 1: you control rather than what you can't control, which is

86
00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:45,320
Speaker 1: oftentimes the secrets to a lot of things when we're

87
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:49,560
Speaker 1: feeling really frustrated, anxious, or mad at life. So he

88
00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,440
Speaker 1: has five tips. I'm gonna give you a little blurb

89
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:56,240
Speaker 1: of each of them. The first one, set and achieve goals.

90
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,359
Speaker 1: So in the article, it reads, people that have hope

91
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,240
Speaker 1: don't just let life happen to them. They proactively make

92
00:05:02,279 --> 00:05:06,000
Speaker 1: decisions and take action to move forward. And I like

93
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:09,360
Speaker 1: this because it propels us to move out of victim mentality,

94
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,200
Speaker 1: which can be we don't want to admit this most

95
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,960
Speaker 1: of the time, but it can be a really comfortable

96
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:17,640
Speaker 1: place to stay, and it moves us into this hero

97
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,679
Speaker 1: of our own story mindset. So set and achieve goals

98
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:26,400
Speaker 1: first one two stick with positive people. And this doesn't

99
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,080
Speaker 1: mean stick with people who can't tolerate emotions and feelings

100
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:34,000
Speaker 1: that aren't joy and happiness. It means just surround yourself

101
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,640
Speaker 1: with the type of energy you want to emulate in

102
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:42,400
Speaker 1: your own life. Because we absorb, whether it's how we talk,

103
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,839
Speaker 1: or the things that we pay attention to or that

104
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:48,520
Speaker 1: we're interested in, or our attitudes, we absorb things from

105
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,279
Speaker 1: the people around us. So if I know that's a fact,

106
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,080
Speaker 1: I bet I'll be putting people around me that I

107
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,560
Speaker 1: want to absorb stuff from. Versus I'm gonna have to

108
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,480
Speaker 1: start shielding all of their stuff because that's a lot

109
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,080
Speaker 1: of energy, especially when we're trying to spend our energy

110
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,520
Speaker 1: cultivating hope.

111
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,600
Speaker 2: And then three focus on the present.

112
00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:07,200
Speaker 1: And I like all of these, but I like this

113
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:11,000
Speaker 1: so much although it's very hard, but hopeful people tend

114
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,359
Speaker 1: to have a lot of gratitude because they are less

115
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:18,400
Speaker 1: often looking at what they don't have and more often

116
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,279
Speaker 1: looking at what they do. And if I can acknowledge

117
00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,640
Speaker 1: the goodness in my life, I'm also more able to

118
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,080
Speaker 1: believe that there is goodness in my future as well,

119
00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,719
Speaker 1: which I know we're talking about. Sometimes I think about

120
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,920
Speaker 1: hope in cultivating it in the points in our life

121
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,200
Speaker 1: where we're just feel like we're at the bottom and

122
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,000
Speaker 1: when we feel really disappointed, and that can be a

123
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,520
Speaker 1: really hard time to focus on what we do have.

124
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,400
Speaker 1: But what I want to point out here is hardly,

125
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:50,279
Speaker 1: ever is everything going wrong in your life all at once.

126
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,800
Speaker 1: It might feel that way, and I really believe that

127
00:06:52,839 --> 00:06:56,800
Speaker 1: sometimes it feels that way, but we are rarely in

128
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,919
Speaker 1: points of absoluteses when everything's bad or everything good, and

129
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:04,160
Speaker 1: so it's really important to pay attention to what does

130
00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:09,960
Speaker 1: feel good and right in your life, versus creating just

131
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,480
Speaker 1: a laundry list of everything that's not going so great, okay.

132
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:18,440
Speaker 1: So number four be self reflective and confident. And this

133
00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,880
Speaker 1: is interesting because the type of confidence that is talked

134
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:25,160
Speaker 1: about in this article is the confidence to forgive yourself,

135
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,160
Speaker 1: and this allows people to be imperfect. So if I

136
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,440
Speaker 1: can forgive myself, I am allowing myself to mess up,

137
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,920
Speaker 1: and I'm saying, hey, that's okay, that's okay, that's part

138
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:38,840
Speaker 1: of life and that happens. And to have hope, you

139
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,920
Speaker 1: have to be able to move through these imperfections, the

140
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,480
Speaker 1: mess ups of life. And if I can allow myself

141
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,240
Speaker 1: to be in perfect and mess up and say, hey,

142
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,000
Speaker 1: you know it's going to be okay, let's not maybe

143
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,080
Speaker 1: let's not do that again on purpose, but like, let's

144
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,680
Speaker 1: get up and try again, I can grow in these

145
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:59,800
Speaker 1: moments of defeat, of despair, of disappointment because I'm getting

146
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,160
Speaker 1: I'm learning from what just happened, and I'm allowing myself

147
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,400
Speaker 1: to try again, Versus I'm gonna land the ground and

148
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,880
Speaker 1: be mad at myself because I didn't do that perfectly

149
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,360
Speaker 1: or I messed up or I said that thing wrong,

150
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,120
Speaker 1: and then start this whole trail of how life is

151
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,560
Speaker 1: out to get me and again, going back to the

152
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,040
Speaker 1: one before that everything is bad. And for number five,

153
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,600
Speaker 1: the last little tip, kind of it feels like we've

154
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,160
Speaker 1: already said this already because I think it's just the

155
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,000
Speaker 1: same kind of themes are woven in all of these

156
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,600
Speaker 1: five tips. It's just keep a positive outlook, and this

157
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:32,480
Speaker 1: one just that phrase might be really annoying to people,

158
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:37,200
Speaker 1: because again, it's not easy, just like staying the present

159
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,040
Speaker 1: is not easy. Sometimes it can feel when somebody's like

160
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,880
Speaker 1: keep a positive outlook, it can feel invalidating and that

161
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,680
Speaker 1: somebody is saying, don't allow yourself to be upset, and

162
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:51,080
Speaker 1: don't allow yourself to look at things that aren't going right,

163
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,280
Speaker 1: and don't allow yourself to feel feelings. But being positive

164
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:57,559
Speaker 1: does not mean you have the lack of feelings that

165
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,360
Speaker 1: you don't want to have, right, Being optimistic does not

166
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,679
Speaker 1: mean that you can't feel pain and hurt and sadness.

167
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,760
Speaker 1: And I think that gets really confused and has been

168
00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,199
Speaker 1: getting really confused the last couple of years as this

169
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:14,280
Speaker 1: toxic positivity movement has come. And I'm glad that it's

170
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,000
Speaker 1: here because.

171
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,439
Speaker 2: We need to be feeling all our feelings.

172
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,440
Speaker 1: But what I want people to know is that you

173
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,760
Speaker 1: can still believe in goodness and you can still be

174
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:27,880
Speaker 1: an optimistic person and feel your feelings. You can do

175
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:31,080
Speaker 1: both of those at the same time. So this one

176
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,600
Speaker 1: that keep a positive outlook. What I take from this

177
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,400
Speaker 1: is really the questions that we've grown to really love

178
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,880
Speaker 1: on this podcast if you are an avid listener, which

179
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,040
Speaker 1: are what big thing is this preparing me for?

180
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,200
Speaker 2: And what does this make possible?

181
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:50,040
Speaker 1: And those are two questions that I have continued to

182
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:54,120
Speaker 1: encourage myself clients, all of you guys, to ask yourselves

183
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:58,120
Speaker 1: and ourselves and moments of ick and moments of life

184
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,079
Speaker 1: not going our way because it and again it helps

185
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,200
Speaker 1: us move out of that victim mindset and into this

186
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,120
Speaker 1: proactive I can be the hero of my story versus

187
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,200
Speaker 1: the victim of my mindset. And those are two questions

188
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,040
Speaker 1: that Don Miller gave Amy Brown and I when we

189
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,439
Speaker 1: interviewed him for her podcast Four Things with Amy Brown.

190
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,320
Speaker 2: So I like it. I just really like those.

191
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,080
Speaker 1: Questions, and they've become such important tools in my life

192
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:26,600
Speaker 1: because it kind of teaches us through doing and asking

193
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,559
Speaker 1: those questions that grief and failure and disappointment aren't necessarily

194
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,600
Speaker 1: roadblocks for you having a good life, although it might

195
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,640
Speaker 1: feel like that sometimes but oftentimes they are really just

196
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,760
Speaker 1: redirection for a life that again going back to that

197
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:43,400
Speaker 1: video I was talking about in the beginning, they might

198
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,960
Speaker 1: be redirections towards a life that we might not even

199
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:49,120
Speaker 1: have the ability to imagine, a good life that we

200
00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,840
Speaker 1: might not even have the ability because our brains can

201
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:57,000
Speaker 1: only understand so much and imagine so much, and there's

202
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,319
Speaker 1: so much in the universe that hey, there might be

203
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:01,640
Speaker 1: stuff out there that we can't even think about, and

204
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,160
Speaker 1: this thing might be preparing us for that, and it

205
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,480
Speaker 1: might be something that years from now you're going to

206
00:11:08,559 --> 00:11:09,760
Speaker 1: be so grateful for.

207
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,480
Speaker 2: So those are the tips set an achieved goals.

208
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,400
Speaker 1: Stick with positive people, focus on the present, be self

209
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:20,440
Speaker 1: reflective and confident, and keep a positive outlook. And again

210
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,439
Speaker 1: the one it wasn't an actual one of the tips,

211
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:27,800
Speaker 1: but start by focusing on what you can control. So

212
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,400
Speaker 1: I hope that helps you guys on your own hope journeys,

213
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,240
Speaker 1: because like I said, hope is complicated. And if you

214
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:37,920
Speaker 1: have questions or feedback or anything you would like to

215
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,240
Speaker 1: share with me, you can email me Katherine at you

216
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:45,480
Speaker 1: need therapypodcast dot com. You can follow me at cat

217
00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,240
Speaker 1: dot de Fada and at you Need Therapy podcast and

218
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:51,400
Speaker 1: I hope you guys are having the day you need

219
00:11:51,440 --> 00:12:02,920
Speaker 1: to have by