1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, 2 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:18,880 Speaker 1: a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all 3 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best 4 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:25,919 Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard 5 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:30,720 Speaker 1: and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more 6 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,800 Speaker 1: information or to find a therapist in your area, visit 7 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,920 Speaker 1: our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While 8 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,640 Speaker 1: I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, 9 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,440 Speaker 1: it is not meant to be a substitute for a 10 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 1: relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks 11 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 1: so much for joining me for session one oh five 12 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. In today's episode, 13 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 1: we'll be digging into living the single life and many 14 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:11,679 Speaker 1: of the emotions one can experience while single. For this conversation, 15 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,280 Speaker 1: I was joined by Dr Melissa Robinson Brown, who's a 16 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: psychologist in New York. But before we dig into this conversation, 17 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: and y'all already know it's a good one, let's show 18 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 1: some loves are sponsors for this episode. If you're a 19 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,560 Speaker 1: part of the Thrive Tribe or follow us on our 20 00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:32,560 Speaker 1: social media channels, there's a good chance you've caught one 21 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,400 Speaker 1: of our many conversations about sisters enjoying coloring books and 22 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: coloring apps as a part of their stress management or 23 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:44,319 Speaker 1: self care routine. Coloring can be incredibly helpful in managing anxiety, 24 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: helping you to be more in touch with the present moment, 25 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,240 Speaker 1: and engaging your sense of playfulness that is often lost 26 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: when we grow up. So I'm incredibly excited to tell 27 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: you about Color Noir n O I R. It's the 28 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: first and only coloring book app celebrating black women and culture. 29 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,000 Speaker 1: Color Noir was created by husband and wife team Mayo 30 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 1: Okome and Nikla Matthews Okome, who's my sister in podcasting. 31 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,320 Speaker 1: They've combined their talents to create a high quality app 32 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:20,440 Speaker 1: experience using coloring to celebrate black girl magic in all 33 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 1: of its glory. I've had a chance to download it 34 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,239 Speaker 1: in color a few pages, and I already know y'all 35 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,640 Speaker 1: are gonna love it. It's free to download, and to 36 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: get it, all you have to do is open up 37 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:36,400 Speaker 1: your iOS app Store app search for Color Noir that's 38 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 1: in O I R, and enjoy. Make sure you could 39 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:42,720 Speaker 1: subscribe in the app so that you can get all 40 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:47,720 Speaker 1: of the amazing images, updates and premium content dropping each 41 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: and every month. Again. It's available in iOS in the 42 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: app Store right now, coming to Android soon, and the 43 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 1: name of the app is color Noir in O I R. 44 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,280 Speaker 1: Go ahead and get started on your beautiful images and 45 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 1: then share them with me on social media so you 46 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,600 Speaker 1: let me know how much you love that. Support for 47 00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:11,880 Speaker 1: today's episode also comes from natural Sious. Natural Sious is 48 00:03:11,919 --> 00:03:15,560 Speaker 1: the world's first vegan, high performance hair care line that 49 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,639 Speaker 1: delivers the results of twelve products and only three. It's 50 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,919 Speaker 1: designed to reduce time spent on hair care and it's 51 00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: proven to save up to eighty percent of time on 52 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: wash day. Natural Sious was founded by innovator Gwen Jamir, 53 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,320 Speaker 1: who is the first and only African American woman to 54 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:37,080 Speaker 1: hold a pattern on a natural hair care product. These 55 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,440 Speaker 1: products are great specifically for busy women with curly and 56 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,480 Speaker 1: coily hair also known as forcia hair, and they are 57 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: all natural their sulfate, parabine, mineral oil, petroleum, gluten and 58 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 1: cruelty free. I've been using the products on my hair 59 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: for the past two months and they are now the 60 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 1: only products I use. They leave my hair to tangle 61 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:04,320 Speaker 1: that for washing, shiny and super moisturized. The first step 62 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: in the process is a Moroccan Ressele five and one 63 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,360 Speaker 1: clay treatment that is your shampoo conditioner, deep conditioner, and 64 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,360 Speaker 1: detangler all in one, and it now comes in a 65 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,880 Speaker 1: gallon size so you never have to worry about running out. 66 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,200 Speaker 1: Step two is a moisturizing cream you can use to 67 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,720 Speaker 1: style your hair, and step three is the Divine Shine 68 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 1: Moisture lock and Frizze Fighter. These products all work beautifully 69 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: together and take far less time for me to do 70 00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: my hair than any other process I've ever used. They 71 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,599 Speaker 1: are a complete lifesaver, so if you want to cut 72 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,920 Speaker 1: down on the amount of products you use and get 73 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,760 Speaker 1: some time back in your busy schedule, then I definitely 74 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:45,080 Speaker 1: would recommend you try them. You can find the Naturalicious 75 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,880 Speaker 1: products and over twelve d sally stores nationwide, or you 76 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:52,520 Speaker 1: can buy them online and natural sious dot net. And 77 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,280 Speaker 1: just for y'all, we have a ten percent off promo 78 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 1: code so you can try or re up on your products. 79 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 1: To use the promo code, go to naturalisious dot net 80 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,960 Speaker 1: and into the code joy j O y at check 81 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 1: out to get ten percent off. Now let's get back 82 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,280 Speaker 1: to our episode, so let me tell you a little 83 00:05:11,279 --> 00:05:14,560 Speaker 1: bit more about Dr Mel. Dr Mail is a licensed 84 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:20,160 Speaker 1: clinical psychologist, assistant Clinical professor in Psychiatry and Adolescent Medicine 85 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: at Mount Sinai Medical Center, and an adjunct professor in 86 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,359 Speaker 1: the Steinhardt Department of Applied Psychology at n y U. 87 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:33,120 Speaker 1: She's the founder of Renewed Focused Psychology Services, a New 88 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,799 Speaker 1: York City based private practice focused on helping women feel 89 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:41,000 Speaker 1: like badasses in their professional life while also maintaining meaningful 90 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:45,120 Speaker 1: personal relationships, all in the context of whole body wellness. 91 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,520 Speaker 1: Doctor Mel's mission is to empower individuals to develop both 92 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:53,280 Speaker 1: the strength and vulnerability to show up as their most 93 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:57,919 Speaker 1: authentic selves in their lives, their careers, and in their relationships. 94 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,119 Speaker 1: Dr Mel and I chat at It about how hard 95 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,520 Speaker 1: and frustrating it can be to be single when you 96 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,400 Speaker 1: really don't want to be, how you can manage the 97 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,599 Speaker 1: emotions that sometimes come up when you're living the single life, 98 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:13,080 Speaker 1: why she thinks dating apps are both a blessing and 99 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,599 Speaker 1: a curse, and the self assessment she helps her clients 100 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: complete to figure out if they're approaching dating from a 101 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 1: healthy place. If you hear something while listening that really 102 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,640 Speaker 1: resonates with you, please share with us on social media 103 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:31,920 Speaker 1: using the hashtag tv G in session. Here's our conversation. 104 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,360 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for joining us today, Dr Mel. I'm 105 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:39,560 Speaker 1: excited to be here. I'm so excited, very happy that 106 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,479 Speaker 1: you're going to be able to join us today. So 107 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,000 Speaker 1: I feel like I say this every episode, but I 108 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,000 Speaker 1: do take a lot of requests from the audience, and 109 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,760 Speaker 1: of course these are very highly requested topics. So today 110 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: we are going to be talking a little bit about 111 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,080 Speaker 1: being single when you don't really want to be single, um, 112 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 1: and how do you navigate that? So Dr Mel, can 113 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:01,560 Speaker 1: you start just by telling us some of the concerns 114 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,200 Speaker 1: that kind of come up with people who you know, 115 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,760 Speaker 1: maybe want to be in partnerships but for whatever reason, 116 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 1: are not currently sure. So I hear this so frequently, 117 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: mostly a lot of women telling me I'm just I'm 118 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 1: dying to find a relationship. I really want to be 119 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: with someone, but there's nobody out there, and so that's 120 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 1: one of the concerns I hear is like that the 121 00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: dating pool is just small that they feel like, especially 122 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,120 Speaker 1: as they get older, either all the men and women 123 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 1: are taken or their suspect or I often hear all 124 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: men are trash or all women are too needy, and 125 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: so there's a real concern around, Hey, I want to date, 126 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,120 Speaker 1: but I can't find anybody that would be a good 127 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 1: match for me. And then I also hear a lot 128 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: of well, I'm never gonna be able to have this 129 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,200 Speaker 1: sort of life I've dreamed of where I have a family, 130 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,760 Speaker 1: I have a partner, we have kids, we sort of 131 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,560 Speaker 1: level up together. I'm not going to be able to 132 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,800 Speaker 1: have that because as I get older, I just can't 133 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,600 Speaker 1: seem to find this partner that I'm longing for. So 134 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 1: that concern a lot as well. Yeah, and a lot 135 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: of the points you bring up, Dr Mel I think 136 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 1: are very difficult to navigate because so much of it 137 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,360 Speaker 1: is like out of your control, right, Like you can't 138 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 1: do anything about like the numbers in terms of like 139 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:24,160 Speaker 1: the dating pool, and you know, you can't do anything 140 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,360 Speaker 1: necessarily about like the timing in terms of meeting somebody, 141 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: you know, So a lot of it. I think it 142 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,920 Speaker 1: really brings up a lot around like your sense of 143 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:36,439 Speaker 1: control and managing, like the anxiety that comes up with that. Absolutely, Yeah, 144 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:40,440 Speaker 1: you're right. The anxiety goes up real high when we 145 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:44,680 Speaker 1: have these instances and experiences where we can't control who's 146 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,360 Speaker 1: at the club or who's at church, and we just 147 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:50,000 Speaker 1: don't feel like it's ever going to happen for us, um, 148 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,400 Speaker 1: no matter how much effort we put in. M Yeah, So, 149 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,160 Speaker 1: what are some of the things that you've, like work 150 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,559 Speaker 1: with clients or even under you do groups and things 151 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 1: and presentations. What are some of the ways you have 152 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,920 Speaker 1: suggested for people who are worried, particularly about this piece 153 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: of like not knowing where to meet them, Like how 154 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,559 Speaker 1: do I find these people? Do you have suggestions for 155 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,679 Speaker 1: people you worked with? I do. I do have suggestions 156 00:09:11,679 --> 00:09:15,440 Speaker 1: about where people can find their mate, But I actually 157 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 1: think that's the last step. I think that before we 158 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:23,280 Speaker 1: can even find a mate, we have to get ourselves 159 00:09:23,559 --> 00:09:26,439 Speaker 1: right around what's going on in our own brains related 160 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: to a dating. I think people sometimes look at a 161 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 1: relationship as the cure, all as this is my magic pill, 162 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 1: It's going to be magical. I'm going to find this 163 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,359 Speaker 1: partner and then life is just gonna be so beautiful 164 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,840 Speaker 1: and everything I've been wanting and looking for will fall 165 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: into place. And a relationship is not that it's not 166 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:48,160 Speaker 1: the cure for how you're feeling about yourself and why 167 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: life just feels so horrible for you right now. And 168 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,640 Speaker 1: so sure I get people suggestions on where they can 169 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,960 Speaker 1: find people and where they can date, but I actually 170 00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 1: encourage people to take a step back and let's do 171 00:10:00,559 --> 00:10:04,080 Speaker 1: some work on yourself first, so that when you are 172 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,920 Speaker 1: out there trying to attract the partner, you're attracting who 173 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,920 Speaker 1: you want, right instead of attracting all of these people 174 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: that you don't want, and then coming back in the 175 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,880 Speaker 1: office and saying, look, I went on a date and 176 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,480 Speaker 1: still it was this person that like didn't have their 177 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,840 Speaker 1: life together or was only wanting me for one thing. 178 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:27,480 Speaker 1: You're gonna attract what you don't want if you're not 179 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 1: seeing what you want in yourself. Got you? So what 180 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,920 Speaker 1: is some of the groundwork then that you are doing 181 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 1: with people to kind of get them ready to kind 182 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,040 Speaker 1: of be in this place to date. Sure, so first 183 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 1: of all, it's mindset around dating again, what are you 184 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,200 Speaker 1: looking to a partner for? Is it about you living 185 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 1: your best life? And then it would be really cool 186 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,080 Speaker 1: if somebody was there to join me on that journey 187 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,080 Speaker 1: or is it about pay I need somebody to complete me. 188 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,160 Speaker 1: So we really want to get clear around what you're 189 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 1: looking at dating for first, and then we want to 190 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,320 Speaker 1: do a lot of self esteem work and see if 191 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,319 Speaker 1: who you're looking at in the mirror is this person 192 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: you are absolutely in love with. You want to be 193 00:11:07,559 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 1: able to look at yourself and be like I am 194 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: how ship right, Like I'm a badass woman and I 195 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: am showing up in this world in the way that 196 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,400 Speaker 1: I want to. And if you're not feeling like that 197 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,480 Speaker 1: about yourself, then we need to do groundwork around that 198 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:26,680 Speaker 1: building self esteem. Looking at your inner self talk. What 199 00:11:26,679 --> 00:11:30,719 Speaker 1: are you telling yourself about yourself each day? How are 200 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:35,760 Speaker 1: you feeling emotionally? If you feel like you're sad most days, 201 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: are really anxious most days, what's contributing to that, and 202 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: do you need to do some therapy and work around 203 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,400 Speaker 1: that so that you're feeling better about yourself. Um, So 204 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 1: there has to be a lot of groundwork around do 205 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 1: I feel good about the person that I am looking 206 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:57,960 Speaker 1: at in the mirror? I also encourage people. The other 207 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 1: piece of the work is what is your life like 208 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,040 Speaker 1: outside of this relationship? So let's just say you had 209 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,960 Speaker 1: a relationship, what would you be doing with your life 210 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,840 Speaker 1: if you had this thing that you're striving for would 211 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: you be engaging in activities that feel really meaningful to you, 212 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,720 Speaker 1: that get you excited? Like, what are the things that 213 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,720 Speaker 1: get you excited and that you want to pursue? Are 214 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:24,240 Speaker 1: you doing those things? And if you're not, what's getting 215 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 1: in the way right Why are you unable to sort 216 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,520 Speaker 1: of bring some things into your life right now that 217 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 1: are getting you excited, that are having you feel good, 218 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,000 Speaker 1: that are making you excited to get up in the 219 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,800 Speaker 1: morning and pursue those things. Because again, if you're out 220 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 1: here living your best life, trust me, you're gonna attract 221 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:45,400 Speaker 1: somebody who's also out here living their best life. But 222 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,560 Speaker 1: if you're not, you're also gonna attract people that aren't, 223 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,560 Speaker 1: that aren't doing their thing and that feel like they 224 00:12:50,559 --> 00:12:52,360 Speaker 1: can just get by when it comes to a partner. 225 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,240 Speaker 1: So it sounds like what you're saying, Dr Marley is 226 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: a lot around making sure that you are feeling whole, 227 00:12:57,480 --> 00:13:00,040 Speaker 1: that you can kind of go into this you a 228 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 1: potential relationship as somebody who kind of can stand on 229 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,640 Speaker 1: your own, and it's looking for a compliment as opposed to, 230 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:10,480 Speaker 1: like you mentioned earlier, somebody to complete you. Yes, absolutely, yes, 231 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:13,280 Speaker 1: got you. I think for a lot of people, and 232 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: I think particularly for a lot of people who listen 233 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:19,160 Speaker 1: to the podcast, are like very high achieving and him, 234 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,719 Speaker 1: you know kind of quote unquote done all the right 235 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,160 Speaker 1: things right, you know, like done a lot of work 236 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 1: on themselves, you know, working, you know, pursuing dreams, passions, 237 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,040 Speaker 1: that kind of thing, and maybe still are having trouble 238 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:34,240 Speaker 1: with finding this partner. So I think that is a 239 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,520 Speaker 1: particular struggle where people maybe have done some of this 240 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,000 Speaker 1: work in therapy and feel like, Okay, I'm good, and 241 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,360 Speaker 1: I still would like to have this partner in my life. 242 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: What kinds of things might you say to that are 243 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,080 Speaker 1: help a client with in terms of that kind of 244 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:49,280 Speaker 1: a struggle. M hum. So, if you absolutely feel like 245 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,160 Speaker 1: you've done all the work, you feel like you're out 246 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,719 Speaker 1: here living in life that feels really good for you. 247 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:58,880 Speaker 1: You've also dealt with any of your past relationship baggage, right, 248 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: so we have to deal with this baggage. We cannot 249 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: take our previous relationship baggage into the future relationship. So 250 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,240 Speaker 1: if you feel like you've taken the time to deal 251 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,959 Speaker 1: with your past hurts to deal with things that either 252 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: you feel like you haven't done so great in relationships previously, 253 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: or to deal with the things or the people that 254 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,960 Speaker 1: have hurt you in the past. And you're like, hey, 255 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,600 Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm doing everything I need to be doing, 256 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,520 Speaker 1: and now I'm still looking for that partner. Then I 257 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: would say, all right, so where are you looking for partners? Right? 258 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: What are the things that you're getting out of your house? Now? Remember, 259 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: you do need to get out to be able to right, 260 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,280 Speaker 1: you can't be home and wonder why you haven't met 261 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:46,280 Speaker 1: Mr or Miss Right yet? Right, So you you want 262 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 1: to be able to get out and those things that 263 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:52,600 Speaker 1: you're pursuing that you enjoy, right, make sure you're out 264 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,720 Speaker 1: there doing things, even high achievers. Right. Sometimes I hear 265 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 1: a lot of women who are high achievers. They put 266 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:02,800 Speaker 1: all of their effort into work because it's a really 267 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,200 Speaker 1: big part of their identity. And I get it and 268 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,720 Speaker 1: I understand that. Right. I'm one of those people who 269 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: feels like work is a big part of who I am, 270 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,320 Speaker 1: and if I can succeed at work, then I'm feeling 271 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,200 Speaker 1: really good about myself. But we also can't let that 272 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: take over. If work is the majority of our time, 273 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 1: we don't have time or space to meet people. So 274 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:24,680 Speaker 1: we have to just make sure that we're finding a 275 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,400 Speaker 1: little bit of balance there. And you're going out and 276 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 1: you're going to activities and to meet ups that are 277 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 1: in line with the things that you like. That if 278 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:38,440 Speaker 1: you are somebody who is very devoted to your faith 279 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 1: and you're building relationships in that way. Not only just 280 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,000 Speaker 1: to go to church, because we've heard that before. Right, 281 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: go to church and you can potentially meet people, but 282 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:52,120 Speaker 1: do things with your church, right, join subcommittees with your church, 283 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:56,000 Speaker 1: go to outings with the church, and smaller intimate settings. 284 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,240 Speaker 1: What it allows you to talk to people and meet people. 285 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,720 Speaker 1: Go to the gym. If your gym rat, you're gonna 286 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 1: meet another gym rat, right, So spend time. Don't just 287 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,400 Speaker 1: put your headphones on, put your head down, do your 288 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:12,120 Speaker 1: workout and bounce right. Be aware of who's there. Who 289 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,000 Speaker 1: do you see frequently? Who can you just look up at, 290 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,680 Speaker 1: say hi to and smile. You don't have to start 291 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: up a whole conversation then and there and hand out 292 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 1: your number. But some of this is just hey, I 293 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:25,680 Speaker 1: see you here every day. I'm just gonna say hello 294 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 1: to you this one time and let's see where that goes. 295 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,520 Speaker 1: We sometimes lose sight of sort of these little things 296 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,040 Speaker 1: that can actually help us to meet people even when 297 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 1: we're trying to find someone. Yeah, and I think this 298 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 1: is the point where it's also really important to not 299 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,000 Speaker 1: be like so focused on the outcome that you like 300 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,360 Speaker 1: miss the idea of like just meeting new cool people, right. 301 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: You know, so somebody that you see all the time 302 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: in the gym or they're in your small group at 303 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,840 Speaker 1: church or whatever. You know, like, of course you may 304 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: be looking for partnership, but you don't want to kind 305 00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,080 Speaker 1: of go into it with the idea like, Okay, this 306 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,800 Speaker 1: is gonna be my person. Is more being open to 307 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,880 Speaker 1: the process of like, okay, this is a new person 308 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,560 Speaker 1: who may be interesting, right, right. Absolutely. I was recently 309 00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 1: talking to somebody who was approaching dating like that every 310 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,800 Speaker 1: time they would go out on a date or meet 311 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,320 Speaker 1: someone that would be their partner their boyfriend, right, And 312 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: we really talked a little bit about, yeah, we've got 313 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,760 Speaker 1: a dating it's about fun too write and it's just 314 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,240 Speaker 1: about meeting people. And so if you can open up 315 00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,040 Speaker 1: your mind to that, it really changes the way you 316 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:30,440 Speaker 1: approach the situations, right right. So, Dr Meyl, you also 317 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: mentioned that I wanted to go back to that in 318 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,200 Speaker 1: case people may be wondering. You talked about making sure 319 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,600 Speaker 1: that you have dealt with any of this like past 320 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,080 Speaker 1: relationship baggage. So what does that look like, Like what 321 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,520 Speaker 1: kind of work do you need to do to make 322 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,760 Speaker 1: sure that you have kind of unpacked all of those 323 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:48,600 Speaker 1: suitcases to be ready for your next trip. M right. 324 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:51,679 Speaker 1: So this is not the easy work, right because dealing 325 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 1: with relationship baggage dr JOIN means that, like I not 326 00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 1: only have to deal with people that have hurt me, 327 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:01,240 Speaker 1: so I have to confront that hurt. I have to 328 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,040 Speaker 1: take time and explore what that hurt was like, and 329 00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,399 Speaker 1: I have to be able to let it go. We 330 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 1: hold on so tight to hurt. We feel like it 331 00:18:10,119 --> 00:18:12,840 Speaker 1: has to be our partner on the journey because someone 332 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,439 Speaker 1: has hurt us. And this is not to discount what 333 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: it feels like to be hurt so badly by someone, 334 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,520 Speaker 1: but the reality is we sometimes spend time saying, Okay, 335 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,520 Speaker 1: that person hurt me, let me pack it away and 336 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:28,040 Speaker 1: let me push it down, and we don't ever just 337 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 1: sort of sit in the space and say this feels 338 00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,760 Speaker 1: horrible and I'm gonna cope with it, and I'm gonna 339 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,800 Speaker 1: focus on what this means, and I'm gonna again let 340 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:40,360 Speaker 1: it go. Once you've had a relationship with those feelings, 341 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: don't hold on to them, let them go and let 342 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,920 Speaker 1: them sit in the past. But I think the other 343 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 1: piece of relationship baggage that people don't always deal with 344 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,399 Speaker 1: is what were you like in your previous relationship? What 345 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,639 Speaker 1: kind of partner were you in this previous relationship. We 346 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: sometimes look at relationships and think the other person was 347 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,119 Speaker 1: all bad person and I was the all good person. 348 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:07,200 Speaker 1: And it's a really polarized view of relationships because relationships 349 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,760 Speaker 1: take two people. So if relationships take two people, and yes, 350 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,159 Speaker 1: he or she might have hurt you in the past, 351 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 1: but it's possible that you might have hurt your partner. 352 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,000 Speaker 1: And there are some things that you might have been 353 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:21,639 Speaker 1: doing in your previous relationship that actually was part of 354 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,920 Speaker 1: the deterioration of that relationship. So we've actually got to 355 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:29,359 Speaker 1: take a more deep look at ourselves and see what 356 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:33,200 Speaker 1: we were doing, but also just forgive ourselves for anything 357 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,639 Speaker 1: that we may have done, whether that be being unfaithful, 358 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 1: whether that be being too intrusive, whether that being very 359 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,560 Speaker 1: needy or even too you know, so independent in a relationship, 360 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:49,520 Speaker 1: that people couldn't connect with you. We have to be 361 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,280 Speaker 1: able to look at our own stuff, but also forgive 362 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:55,919 Speaker 1: ourselves for anything that we might be struggling with that 363 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,600 Speaker 1: we did in a previous relationship. Okay, Dr Mill, which 364 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: is going to a pause for the cause right here, 365 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: because you have said a lot there, sorry and no, no, 366 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,679 Speaker 1: no no in a very good way though, because I 367 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:09,679 Speaker 1: think we need to kind of like dig into some 368 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,040 Speaker 1: of the things that you mentioned just now. So one 369 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,000 Speaker 1: I'm thinking about just this idea that you know it 370 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: is too people typically in a relationship, and so neither 371 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,320 Speaker 1: one of you were all good or are all bad. 372 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,520 Speaker 1: There was some particular dynamic that kind of caused the 373 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: both of you to act and do the things that 374 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,280 Speaker 1: you did in that relationship. So really being able to 375 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,760 Speaker 1: both forgive them the other person, but also forgive yourself. 376 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,400 Speaker 1: But I also think you can't get to that place 377 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,000 Speaker 1: if you're not honest with yourself about how you may 378 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 1: have done some things that you are not so proud of, 379 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: or you know, acted in ways that you didn't even 380 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,440 Speaker 1: really you know, like that you may not have in 381 00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 1: the previous relationships. And so it comes down to some 382 00:20:49,119 --> 00:20:52,520 Speaker 1: of that self assessment, which also spoke about in terms 383 00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:56,840 Speaker 1: of this idea of like were you too independent in 384 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,560 Speaker 1: the relationship and not really kind of creating a space 385 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,960 Speaker 1: for your partner to join with you in the relationship. 386 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 1: So that makes me think about, like what kind of 387 00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: self assessment do you need to do to kind of 388 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,600 Speaker 1: figure out like how do I even show up in relationships? Mm? 389 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,159 Speaker 1: Such a great question, Dr Joy. And also when you 390 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,920 Speaker 1: break everything down like that, you don't even realize how 391 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:25,760 Speaker 1: much you say sometimes when you get at but listen, Okay, 392 00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:28,240 Speaker 1: we're gonna take it a step furtherm and be very better, right, 393 00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:31,120 Speaker 1: Because this is like a parallel process, right, Like we're 394 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,400 Speaker 1: having this conversation with with each other and thinking through 395 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,640 Speaker 1: all of this stuff. But this is also like all 396 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,400 Speaker 1: of the clutter that I think is sometimes in people's 397 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: heads when they're like struggling with being single and not 398 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,600 Speaker 1: wanting to be right, like having to try to walk 399 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,400 Speaker 1: through all of these layers. Yes, there are so many layers, right, 400 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,360 Speaker 1: And I think about this a lot, and I and 401 00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,240 Speaker 1: and and really enjoy helping women sort of work through this. 402 00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:57,359 Speaker 1: But you're right, the layers are just so many. But 403 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,919 Speaker 1: I want to get back to your question, which was 404 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:01,840 Speaker 1: how do we start with this self assessment? You touched 405 00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,639 Speaker 1: on it, right, And this is this piece of complete 406 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,760 Speaker 1: honesty with self. And I think this is such a 407 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:11,840 Speaker 1: difficult thing for people to do because we don't want 408 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: to necessarily believe that we are engaging in behaviors that 409 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:21,440 Speaker 1: could be turning people off or pushing people away. We 410 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,359 Speaker 1: think that if we have this relationship that we thought 411 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,120 Speaker 1: was so amazing, how could we do anything that would 412 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,600 Speaker 1: intentionally try to push someone away. And it's not always 413 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 1: about it being intentional, right, Sometimes we are just doing 414 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,720 Speaker 1: things because that's how we've been taught, that's how we've 415 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:43,520 Speaker 1: been raised. We do things out of fear. So that 416 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:48,639 Speaker 1: self assessment starts with honesty, and it starts by doing 417 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: two things. The first being what were the ways in 418 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:55,000 Speaker 1: which I engaged in this relationship that I would be 419 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,840 Speaker 1: really proud of? Right, and and I would even take 420 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 1: some time and write it down, right, So take some 421 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,159 Speaker 1: time and just write down one are the things that 422 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,160 Speaker 1: I did in my most recent relationship that I would 423 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: be really really proud of that I did. And to 424 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,840 Speaker 1: actually celebrate yourself with that, because you means you're showing 425 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,320 Speaker 1: up in the way that you want to. But then 426 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,040 Speaker 1: the second question is what are the things that I 427 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,800 Speaker 1: didn't like that I did in this relationship. Remember, this 428 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: is a self assessment just for yourself. It's not like 429 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:23,920 Speaker 1: you're getting ready to go show this to your next partner, right, 430 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 1: this is just for you. And so to really really 431 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: take some time and say and write down what were 432 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:33,399 Speaker 1: some of the things that I did in this past 433 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,960 Speaker 1: relationship that I didn't love but I didn't like that. 434 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,160 Speaker 1: If I could look back, I would do it differently. 435 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,840 Speaker 1: And that sort of brings some of that honesty to 436 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,040 Speaker 1: the table, right, And when you write it down, you 437 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,119 Speaker 1: actually you have to look at it and you you 438 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,199 Speaker 1: have to soak some of that in. Yeah, and I 439 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,639 Speaker 1: think you mentioned that you know, some of it is 440 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,920 Speaker 1: really not intentional, right, So, I mean when we're talking 441 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,960 Speaker 1: about doing this self assessment, I think you have to 442 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:00,200 Speaker 1: maybe even ask for feedback from like friends about out 443 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: maybe ways they saw you behaving in the relationship, because 444 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:07,280 Speaker 1: sometimes it is subconscious, right, and so you may have 445 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:10,080 Speaker 1: been doing things as a way of you know, thinking 446 00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 1: that you were connecting that actually were the opposite, right, 447 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: m hmm. Not outside of view is huge, right, Yeah, 448 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 1: I mean, and you know, at some point you may 449 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,240 Speaker 1: be able to even have this conversation with your ex right, Like, 450 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:28,800 Speaker 1: probably not immediately after because it's but you know, at 451 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,040 Speaker 1: some point later, you know, if you guys regain a 452 00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 1: friendship or something like that, you may be able to 453 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,240 Speaker 1: answer for some of this feedback that could actually be 454 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,680 Speaker 1: helpful to you, you know, and moving forward with dating 455 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:42,439 Speaker 1: in the future. Yes, absolutely, yeah, I agree. So I know, 456 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,600 Speaker 1: Dr Meyl, when we were talking about prepping for this podcast, 457 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:51,160 Speaker 1: you describe dating apps as both a blessing and a curse. 458 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,840 Speaker 1: Technology has moved in advance. That is a lot of 459 00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:58,040 Speaker 1: the way people are meeting other people, right, Um, so 460 00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 1: tell us why you describe them as both the blessing 461 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:05,280 Speaker 1: and hers. Oh, this is also a conversation I have 462 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,800 Speaker 1: quite often with people about the apps. Um, and there 463 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,720 Speaker 1: are so many dating apps now. It used to be 464 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,240 Speaker 1: just one, right, Like I think everybody used to do 465 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,560 Speaker 1: like match dot com. And I don't even know if 466 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,920 Speaker 1: that was like an app. I think it was just online. 467 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:24,520 Speaker 1: And so now right, the market has boomed, tender match 468 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:29,280 Speaker 1: dot Com, plenty of Fish, Okay, Cupid, Bumble Coffee Meats, Veagel, 469 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: the league I mean, like, really, there are just so 470 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,800 Speaker 1: many places that you can find, and what I hear 471 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 1: often is that there's just so much overlap, and so 472 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,560 Speaker 1: you end up seeing the same people on these apps, 473 00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:45,400 Speaker 1: which can feel very frustrating for people. So I think 474 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,000 Speaker 1: that's sort of where it becomes this curse, is that 475 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:53,560 Speaker 1: when you start to see people again and again, you 476 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 1: feel like again, the dating pool is so small. So 477 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,959 Speaker 1: there's one other thing too that I think the beauty 478 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,400 Speaker 1: of dating apps as it widens our dating we are. 479 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 1: You know, it used to be a time where the 480 00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,760 Speaker 1: only time you can meet someone is if you went 481 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:11,439 Speaker 1: out to a club, a bar, a party that was 482 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,640 Speaker 1: in your area more times than not unless you were traveling, 483 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,160 Speaker 1: and that's where you would meet people. And so it's 484 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:23,040 Speaker 1: really contained to essentially who your friends friends might know. Right, 485 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,920 Speaker 1: That's as far as it may get. But now with 486 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,399 Speaker 1: dating apps, not only can you sort of date in 487 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,000 Speaker 1: your zip code, but you can date beyond your zip code, 488 00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:36,080 Speaker 1: You can date beyond your state if you want to. Uh, 489 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,880 Speaker 1: you can find people in different parts of the world, 490 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:44,320 Speaker 1: and so it really widens this pool that women have 491 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,000 Speaker 1: in terms of finding a partner, which I think is 492 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,399 Speaker 1: great on many levels because you it then sort of 493 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:55,359 Speaker 1: eliminates this idea of well, you know, the person for 494 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:58,359 Speaker 1: me may not just be for like, for example, in 495 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,920 Speaker 1: the case of where I in my geograph region. Right, 496 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 1: So that's the blessing, the curse being that now that 497 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 1: the dating pool is wider, there's so much more stuff 498 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,359 Speaker 1: to wait through. You. You know, when you were dating 499 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,800 Speaker 1: and you met people in person, you may need you know, 500 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,640 Speaker 1: four or five people and three of those maybe duds, 501 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,280 Speaker 1: and then you know, two may work out. But now 502 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 1: that the dating pool is like multiplied exponentially, you gotta 503 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:28,520 Speaker 1: wade through a lot more crap before you get to 504 00:27:29,119 --> 00:27:31,239 Speaker 1: somebody that might be a good match for you, And 505 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,919 Speaker 1: that can be really discouraging. People will tell me all 506 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:37,360 Speaker 1: the time, I just spend hours swiping and I don't 507 00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:39,680 Speaker 1: even know what the right direction is, but swiping left 508 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:44,040 Speaker 1: right to like eliminate people, and one in a hundred 509 00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,399 Speaker 1: I might be able to swipe right on. So that 510 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:49,359 Speaker 1: feels really discouraging for people. Yeah, so I think, you know, 511 00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,119 Speaker 1: it really is about like managing just the idea that okay, 512 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,520 Speaker 1: I'm using these apps to try to connect with people, 513 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,199 Speaker 1: but then you're also managing like anything that comes up 514 00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,879 Speaker 1: because it is like really a process and involve some 515 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: time and energy. Yes, it does, and you can get 516 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,639 Speaker 1: lost people rabbit hole and black hole down dating apps 517 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:11,439 Speaker 1: for so much time you have to sort of you 518 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,000 Speaker 1: almost have to mindfully do it, if that makes sense. 519 00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:16,680 Speaker 1: So you have to sort of schedule it and say, 520 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:19,199 Speaker 1: I'm gonna spend a little bit of time on this 521 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,120 Speaker 1: dating app, you know today, I'm gonna go through see 522 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,040 Speaker 1: who might have swiped right on me and maybe have 523 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:27,640 Speaker 1: a couple of conversations. But you have to be careful 524 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,320 Speaker 1: because it can take over. Yeah, yeah, and I wonder 525 00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 1: too if people because there is so much overlap, so 526 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,919 Speaker 1: you're seeing like the same people over and over across 527 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,720 Speaker 1: the apps. If it almost becomes like a busy work 528 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:42,000 Speaker 1: kind of thing, right, Like, so feel like you feel 529 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: like you're being active in the dating process, but actually 530 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,240 Speaker 1: like you're going through these people that you've seen on 531 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,120 Speaker 1: multiple different ones where maybe you could try like an 532 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:53,480 Speaker 1: in real life kind of activity that might you know, you, 533 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:58,400 Speaker 1: and more results for you. Actually absolutely, absolutely, really very true, 534 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,240 Speaker 1: Like people just sort of use it to pass the 535 00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,960 Speaker 1: time and it's not again, it's not mindful, You're not 536 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,760 Speaker 1: really thinking about who you're connecting with or making the 537 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,680 Speaker 1: decision Hey I'm just gonna engage in these two conversations 538 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,160 Speaker 1: and really sort of trying to get to know someone 539 00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,240 Speaker 1: and then potentially look at setting up a date. It 540 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:18,760 Speaker 1: becomes this thing where you're you're really not you're not trying, 541 00:29:18,840 --> 00:29:22,400 Speaker 1: You're not dating, right. You are just sort of saying 542 00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:24,920 Speaker 1: you're putting in the effort, and that's not really what's happening, 543 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 1: right right, So, like to mail earlier, you talked about, 544 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:31,120 Speaker 1: you know, wanting to make sure that you are approaching 545 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,400 Speaker 1: the whole dating process from a place of like wholeness 546 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,120 Speaker 1: and completeness and feeling like really happy with your life. 547 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,240 Speaker 1: But I do know one of the things that will 548 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 1: often come up for women, especially if they want to 549 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:46,920 Speaker 1: have children biologically, is this whole taking clock right, even 550 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,480 Speaker 1: even if you are not necessarily considering it. I mean 551 00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: sometimes when you go for your annual O B G Y, right, 552 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,520 Speaker 1: like the position introduce this into the conversation and it 553 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,760 Speaker 1: wasn't even necessarily something you were stressed out about, right, Okay, 554 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,360 Speaker 1: you talk a little bit about that particular set of 555 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 1: fears that will pop up for people, especially if they 556 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:09,960 Speaker 1: would like to try to have children biologically. Yeah, so 557 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:13,320 Speaker 1: you know, again sort of the statistics are really shifting, right, 558 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:18,400 Speaker 1: and so people are getting married later, people are starting 559 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,680 Speaker 1: families later in life, and so all of that has 560 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:26,240 Speaker 1: sort of really put our eyes on this idea of fertility, 561 00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:30,200 Speaker 1: and it comes up quite frequently when I am talking 562 00:30:30,240 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 1: to women who are looking for partners. They don't want 563 00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:38,760 Speaker 1: to be single, but they are, and they really worry 564 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,120 Speaker 1: because they want to have kids. They want to have 565 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 1: a family. Again, that's sort of been part of their 566 00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:48,480 Speaker 1: life picture for so long, and so they have started 567 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:52,640 Speaker 1: to explore egg freezing. And so there's a term for 568 00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:56,720 Speaker 1: it where if you are getting your eggs frozen, not 569 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:01,880 Speaker 1: because of medical necessity, but because again you're worried about 570 00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:05,760 Speaker 1: this biological clock ticking and its social egg freezing, and 571 00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,040 Speaker 1: so this idea of going through the process of freezing 572 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:12,760 Speaker 1: your eggs so you can preserve your fertility. And so 573 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,400 Speaker 1: more and more women are talking about this because there's 574 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:18,960 Speaker 1: a real fear behind Well, if I'm in my thirties 575 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:21,640 Speaker 1: and i haven't found a partner yet, even if you 576 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:23,640 Speaker 1: know I'm going to meet someone, I'm not gonna get 577 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,480 Speaker 1: married tomorrow, you know, it's gonna take time to build 578 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 1: a relationship, and so that's a year or two and 579 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:31,680 Speaker 1: then we need to get married, and then then I'm 580 00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,160 Speaker 1: going to want to have a kid, and by that 581 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:36,040 Speaker 1: time I might be in my late thirties and what 582 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,920 Speaker 1: happens to my biological clock. It's the pressure as women 583 00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:42,120 Speaker 1: we face all the time. Your clock is ticking, Your 584 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:44,760 Speaker 1: clock is ticking, Your clock is ticking. And so people 585 00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:49,360 Speaker 1: are exploring this egg freezing, and so it's a viable option, right, 586 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,320 Speaker 1: but I think that women need to be well informed 587 00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,880 Speaker 1: about what it means and they need to spend a 588 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 1: lot of time reflecting on what you are at actually 589 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:05,440 Speaker 1: achieving through egg freezing, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 590 00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,440 Speaker 1: And I think sometimes you know, I think we talked 591 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,480 Speaker 1: a little bit about on about this on one of 592 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 1: the previous podcasts when we have the conversation around like 593 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: these alternative roads to motherhood. Um, and it is not 594 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:18,440 Speaker 1: like an easy process, you know. It's not like you 595 00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:20,520 Speaker 1: just go to the doctor and they like give you 596 00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:22,840 Speaker 1: a shot and like they freeze your eggs in that visit. 597 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:26,280 Speaker 1: Like it's an arduous process, um, you know, and it's 598 00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:30,960 Speaker 1: not cheap also, noe, So so you know, though it 599 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,160 Speaker 1: can be a viable option for people, there are a lot, 600 00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 1: like you said, to kind of think through and um, 601 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:41,240 Speaker 1: lots of process before you make that kind of a decision. Absolutely, 602 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,560 Speaker 1: And I think the other thing that was really um 603 00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:45,560 Speaker 1: just just is this has been coming up more for 604 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,640 Speaker 1: me and with my work. I've just been spending more 605 00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 1: time looking at it. And I think age makes such 606 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,840 Speaker 1: a huge difference here. And again it's a viable option. 607 00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:57,600 Speaker 1: But the older you get, unfortunately, the number of cycles 608 00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,600 Speaker 1: you'll need to go through to get the number of 609 00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,760 Speaker 1: viable eggs to potentially have a pregnancy later also goes up. 610 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:07,240 Speaker 1: And so the cost that you would have incurred had 611 00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:10,040 Speaker 1: you sort of froze your eggs when you were thirty, 612 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,400 Speaker 1: it's gonna look very different than the cost you could 613 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 1: potentially incur if you start to think about egg creasing 614 00:33:15,760 --> 00:33:18,840 Speaker 1: at thirty six or thirty seven and then beyond. And 615 00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:22,640 Speaker 1: so I think just again, feeling really well informed about it, 616 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,160 Speaker 1: um and talking to others who have either done it 617 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:30,240 Speaker 1: or haven't done it is really is really important. Uh. 618 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:33,720 Speaker 1: And to to watch how much that pressure you're feeling 619 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: about having a partner about starting a family is sort 620 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:39,960 Speaker 1: of weighing on you. Um, and as you said, thinking 621 00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: about those alternatives to motherhood or alternative paths to motherhood, 622 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:48,400 Speaker 1: I should say, right, So, I think actor male and 623 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:50,200 Speaker 1: we haven't really touched on this, and I think that 624 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,600 Speaker 1: we really need to that. There is also a large 625 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,200 Speaker 1: part of like this whole conversation around like being single 626 00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,880 Speaker 1: when you don't really want to. That is a grief 627 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:03,520 Speaker 1: kind of a conversation and really having to grieve the 628 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:06,680 Speaker 1: loss of these ideas about what you thought your life 629 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 1: might be right now, grieving these ideas of what parenting 630 00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:13,480 Speaker 1: may look like for you in the future. You know, 631 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,279 Speaker 1: maybe you wanted to do it with a partner, but 632 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,760 Speaker 1: you're committed and you will choose to do it, you know, single, 633 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,359 Speaker 1: you know, just grieving lots of these ideas and potentials 634 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,520 Speaker 1: that we thought we would lead to. So what kinds 635 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:28,399 Speaker 1: of conversations of what kinds of tips and strategies might 636 00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:31,040 Speaker 1: you offer around like dealing with some of the grief 637 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,439 Speaker 1: around some of this issue. Mm hm. So I think 638 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,520 Speaker 1: it's it's first just naming that that's where you are, 639 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: that you are in this process of of mourning and 640 00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:46,640 Speaker 1: again experience what you're you're labeling is grief. We as 641 00:34:46,680 --> 00:34:52,440 Speaker 1: women often don't name our emotions or even want to 642 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:55,759 Speaker 1: honor them that that's what we're actually going through. And 643 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,239 Speaker 1: so part of the process and the healing is being 644 00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:02,360 Speaker 1: able to say, yeah, you know, I I am struggling 645 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,400 Speaker 1: with the fact that I thought that at thirty five 646 00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,040 Speaker 1: I would be at the height of my career, I 647 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:11,319 Speaker 1: would have this amazing partner, and I would have at 648 00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 1: least one or two kids, if not thinking about more. 649 00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:15,839 Speaker 1: And that's not where I am. And so and I'm 650 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:18,359 Speaker 1: and I'm sad about that, right, I'm I'm really sad 651 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:21,160 Speaker 1: about that. I'm really struggling with that. And so being 652 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:24,080 Speaker 1: able to first just name that that's where you are, 653 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:26,719 Speaker 1: and to too and when I say honor that, I 654 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:30,760 Speaker 1: mean to accept it, to not judge yourself or beat 655 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,680 Speaker 1: yourself up or you know, call yourself a loser or 656 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:39,879 Speaker 1: sit or or even start that dreaded comparison game. Right, Um, 657 00:35:39,960 --> 00:35:44,600 Speaker 1: all of my friends are married and have you know, children, 658 00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:49,320 Speaker 1: what's wrong with me? Um? And so to to really 659 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,920 Speaker 1: sort of accept and honor those feelings of where you 660 00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:54,560 Speaker 1: are and to be not necessarily that you have to 661 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,080 Speaker 1: be okay with it, but that you just have to accept, right. 662 00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:59,680 Speaker 1: And the second thing is to not to compare, because 663 00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:01,239 Speaker 1: it's the It's one of the hardest things to do, 664 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:04,040 Speaker 1: right Dr Joyce, to not compare ourselves and look at 665 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,160 Speaker 1: others and think they have something I want. I don't 666 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,000 Speaker 1: have it. What does that mean about me? And so 667 00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:13,640 Speaker 1: to stop that comparison if we can, and this is 668 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,560 Speaker 1: not easy work to do. It's definitely hard work to do, 669 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:20,839 Speaker 1: but to stop the comparisons and then to figure out 670 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:24,760 Speaker 1: what does the new picture look like? Right? So, where 671 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:27,480 Speaker 1: is my life now? I'm gonna go back to this 672 00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:31,400 Speaker 1: idea of mindfulness in the moment, because that's what mindfulness is. 673 00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,560 Speaker 1: It's about being in present moment and recognizing where you 674 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:39,040 Speaker 1: are now. And so some of this work is saying, okay, 675 00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:41,560 Speaker 1: so this old picture, I'm going to grieve this old 676 00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:44,120 Speaker 1: picture that I had in my head. Um again, I 677 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,000 Speaker 1: have to let that go because it's not where I 678 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:48,120 Speaker 1: am currently, and I have to look at what I 679 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:50,880 Speaker 1: have currently and figure out what does it mean that 680 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,239 Speaker 1: I'm here? What are the things in my life that 681 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:58,160 Speaker 1: I'm enjoying and experiencing right now that feel good for me? 682 00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:01,120 Speaker 1: And where are the areas that I want to make changes, 683 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:04,600 Speaker 1: got you. Yeah. I also think related to that comparison 684 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,200 Speaker 1: game is really important. I think for people to be 685 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,560 Speaker 1: mindful of just because you are single and may be 686 00:37:10,719 --> 00:37:13,880 Speaker 1: excited about being single, doesn't mean that everybody else is 687 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:16,400 Speaker 1: in that place, right, And sometimes I see see that 688 00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,960 Speaker 1: going the other way, like, oh, don't worry about being important, 689 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:20,480 Speaker 1: like you get to wake up when you want and 690 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:22,360 Speaker 1: you don't have all these other responsibilities and all of 691 00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,799 Speaker 1: that stuff. And while there may be some truth to that, 692 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:28,320 Speaker 1: that is not everybody's experienced. So, you know, being mindful 693 00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:35,080 Speaker 1: of comparing yourself the other way as well, right right? Absolutely? Um, 694 00:37:35,080 --> 00:37:38,480 Speaker 1: that mindfulness is huge. Yeah, it really is. Is that 695 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:40,239 Speaker 1: something that you are doing with a lot of your 696 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:42,040 Speaker 1: clients who are struggling with this kind of thing, is 697 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,440 Speaker 1: just helping them to stay really focused on like the 698 00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:48,560 Speaker 1: present moment and what you can have patrol over. Yes, 699 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 1: you know, a big part of of what people struggle 700 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,080 Speaker 1: with is they're thinking about again, I'm getting stuck in 701 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,160 Speaker 1: the past or thinking about what is my future going 702 00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,120 Speaker 1: to look like? And those are really dangerous places to 703 00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,719 Speaker 1: hang out, you know, especially if your past has been 704 00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:06,399 Speaker 1: one that's been very difficult and has been sort of 705 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:11,840 Speaker 1: marked by a lot of hurt and relationships that you 706 00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:14,880 Speaker 1: haven't loved or they're just just haven't worked out. And 707 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,280 Speaker 1: then the future is also I mean it can be great, 708 00:38:17,280 --> 00:38:20,040 Speaker 1: but again dangerous places to hang out if you're just 709 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:23,080 Speaker 1: longing and longing for something. And so I do I 710 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:25,759 Speaker 1: do a lot of mindfulness work with people, and I 711 00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:30,080 Speaker 1: really encourage people to focus on what's going on in 712 00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:33,440 Speaker 1: the present. What are your thoughts doing right now, Where 713 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:35,920 Speaker 1: are your thoughts going in this very moment. How do 714 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:38,279 Speaker 1: you get more centered on your body and how you're 715 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:41,000 Speaker 1: feeling in this moment. It encourages you to stay in 716 00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:44,040 Speaker 1: touch with yourself and to connect with yourself in a 717 00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:48,400 Speaker 1: way that you can't do if you're stuck in the 718 00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,239 Speaker 1: past or always looking at the future. Yeah, and I 719 00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,520 Speaker 1: feel like it is a very delicate balance, you know, 720 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:55,600 Speaker 1: because a lot of what we talked about today is 721 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,239 Speaker 1: kind of like goal setting almost, like you know, like 722 00:38:58,280 --> 00:39:00,440 Speaker 1: making sure you're going out and you know, doing these 723 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,760 Speaker 1: kinds of things. It is important to kind of strike 724 00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:06,440 Speaker 1: the right balance of Okay, I'm doing these things with 725 00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:09,160 Speaker 1: the hope of like meeting people, but also this is 726 00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:14,719 Speaker 1: where I am now. Mm. Hmmm mm hm. Yes, So 727 00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:17,120 Speaker 1: are there some resources back the mail that you find 728 00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:20,200 Speaker 1: yourself recommending over and over that your clients have really 729 00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:25,520 Speaker 1: enjoyed related to this topic. Yes, so I always tell 730 00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:29,640 Speaker 1: people to so on the top topic of just mindfulness 731 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:33,080 Speaker 1: and sort of like getting yourself together with that particular piece. 732 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:36,719 Speaker 1: There is a um A book called the ten Minute Mindfulness. 733 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,919 Speaker 1: Especially if you're just starting your practice, it's a good 734 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:43,560 Speaker 1: way to kind of get yourself going right. So it's 735 00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:46,080 Speaker 1: called ten Minute Mindfulness of Anyone Habits for living in 736 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:49,359 Speaker 1: the present moment. You can find it on Amazon um 737 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:51,520 Speaker 1: but it's a really great sort of way for you 738 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:55,480 Speaker 1: to start off your mindfulness journey. There is also a 739 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,960 Speaker 1: new book that I recently read, how to Be Single 740 00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,719 Speaker 1: and Happy, and it's by after Jennifer Tate's t A 741 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:05,480 Speaker 1: I t Z. It's another good one. And then there's 742 00:40:05,520 --> 00:40:10,319 Speaker 1: a book that actually you recommended, Dr Joy that I 743 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:14,360 Speaker 1: give to my clients called Getting Past the Breakup. So 744 00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:16,880 Speaker 1: I like that one because it sort of gives us 745 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,680 Speaker 1: this getting past your breakup. I like it because it 746 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:22,800 Speaker 1: helps you in some ways to think about that last 747 00:40:22,840 --> 00:40:26,040 Speaker 1: relationship and sort of to start to think about that 748 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:29,200 Speaker 1: self assessment piece that um we were talking about a 749 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,960 Speaker 1: little earlier. Okay, perfect, And where can we find you? 750 00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,600 Speaker 1: Dr Mill? What's your website as well as any social 751 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:39,160 Speaker 1: media handles you want to share? Sure? So my website 752 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:45,680 Speaker 1: is uh www dot renewed Focus dot com. So I'll 753 00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:48,759 Speaker 1: spell it a as an apple R E and as 754 00:40:48,800 --> 00:40:52,600 Speaker 1: in Nancy E W E d as and dog f 755 00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:57,480 Speaker 1: O C as in cat us dot com, so a 756 00:40:57,560 --> 00:41:02,120 Speaker 1: renewed Focus dot com. I am on on Instagram at 757 00:41:02,360 --> 00:41:06,120 Speaker 1: fit PhD mama m O M m A, and then 758 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:09,520 Speaker 1: I am also on Twitter as at fit PhD mama 759 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:14,040 Speaker 1: and on Facebook as at dr Mel pH d and 760 00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:16,680 Speaker 1: dr is d R m E l p h D 761 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:18,759 Speaker 1: perfect And of course all this will be included in 762 00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,680 Speaker 1: the show notes for anybody who missed any of those. Well, 763 00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:24,040 Speaker 1: thank you so much for chatting with us today, Dr Mel, 764 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:26,960 Speaker 1: I really appreciate it. This has been amazing. Thank you 765 00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:30,439 Speaker 1: so much for having me on the podcast. I loved 766 00:41:30,480 --> 00:41:33,319 Speaker 1: having this conversation with you, and so I appreciate you 767 00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:38,080 Speaker 1: having me here. Thank you. I'm so thankful Dr Mail 768 00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:41,040 Speaker 1: was able to share her expertise with us today. To 769 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:44,400 Speaker 1: find out more information about her and the resources that 770 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,600 Speaker 1: she shared. Visit the show notes at Therapy for Black 771 00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:50,920 Speaker 1: Girls dot com slash one oh five and you know 772 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:53,359 Speaker 1: we want to hear your thoughts about the episode, so 773 00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:55,680 Speaker 1: please be sure to share them with us on social 774 00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:59,799 Speaker 1: media using the hashtag t b G in session. And 775 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:02,640 Speaker 1: if you love the episode, go ahead in Texas. It's 776 00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:04,839 Speaker 1: two of your girls right now so that they can 777 00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:08,319 Speaker 1: check it out as well. Don't forget to show some 778 00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:12,480 Speaker 1: support for our sponsors for this episode. Color Noir in 779 00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:16,040 Speaker 1: O I R is the first and only coloring book 780 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:20,719 Speaker 1: app celebrating black women in culture. It's free to download 781 00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:22,719 Speaker 1: and to get it, all you have to do is 782 00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:26,200 Speaker 1: open up your io s app store, search for Color 783 00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:30,600 Speaker 1: Noir in o I R and enjoy. Make sure you 784 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:32,879 Speaker 1: hit subscribe in the app so that you can get 785 00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:37,360 Speaker 1: all of the amazing images, updates and premium content dropping 786 00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:41,640 Speaker 1: each and every month. And be sure to check out 787 00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:45,839 Speaker 1: Natural Sious. It's the world's first vegan, high performance hair 788 00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:49,520 Speaker 1: care line that delivers the results of twelve products and 789 00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:53,120 Speaker 1: only three. You can find the products in over twelve 790 00:42:53,480 --> 00:42:57,040 Speaker 1: Sally stores nationwide, and you can also get ten percent 791 00:42:57,120 --> 00:43:00,279 Speaker 1: off your purchase online by going to Naturally It's just 792 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:04,120 Speaker 1: dot net and using the promo code joy at checkout. 793 00:43:05,480 --> 00:43:08,120 Speaker 1: Remember that if you're searching for a therapist in your area, 794 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:11,200 Speaker 1: check out our directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot 795 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,799 Speaker 1: com slash directory. And if you want to continue this 796 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:18,439 Speaker 1: conversation with other sisters who listen to the podcast, come 797 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,680 Speaker 1: on over and join us in the Thrive Tribe, which 798 00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,840 Speaker 1: is a Facebook group for the podcast. You can request 799 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,760 Speaker 1: to join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash 800 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:29,719 Speaker 1: Tribe and be sure to answer the three questions that 801 00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:33,480 Speaker 1: are asked to gain injury. Don't forget to visit our 802 00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:37,240 Speaker 1: online store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop, 803 00:43:37,719 --> 00:43:41,560 Speaker 1: where you can find our guided affirmation track, breakup journal, 804 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,760 Speaker 1: and your Therapy for Black Girls t shirts and mugs. 805 00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:48,240 Speaker 1: Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. 806 00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:51,279 Speaker 1: I look forward to continue in this conversation with you 807 00:43:51,320 --> 00:44:10,040 Speaker 1: all real soon. Take good care. What What