Speaker 1: Help I Suck Good Dating with Dean Angler and I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio podcast. Hello and thank you for tuning into
Speaker 1: episode four of Help I Suck at Dating. I'm Dean Anglert,
Speaker 1: and I have two very special guests with me in
Speaker 1: studio today. You know where from marriage boot Camp, reality stars.
Speaker 1: Dr v Hi, how are you? Thank you for joining us?
Speaker 1: I'm great, thanks for having me, absolutely absolutely. We're also
Speaker 1: joined by one of my great friends in my roommate.
Speaker 1: If you follow me on Instagram, you probably have seen
Speaker 1: his face pop up a few times. Jackson. Hey, what's
Speaker 1: up y'all? Thanks for coming, buddy. I'm so excited. This
Speaker 1: is great. I feel much more comfortable having Jackson here
Speaker 1: me too. I don't know about that. I don't know
Speaker 1: if I feel more comfortable. Oh okay, so Dr Vie,
Speaker 1: do you mind introducing yourself a little bit giving us
Speaker 1: a little bit of backstory on who you are. Hi again,
Speaker 1: I'm Dr Ving. My full name is Dr Venus Nicolino,
Speaker 1: and Venus is a little strange of a name. I
Speaker 1: think my mother thought that I would be a stripper,
Speaker 1: but when I got the doctor gig, she was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is cool, and I just keep telling her. There's
Speaker 1: still time, There's there's still you never know, you know,
Speaker 1: you never know where one's career can go. Um and
Speaker 1: I started on Bravo on a show called l A Shrinks,
Speaker 1: which was so much fun, and I became their resident
Speaker 1: shrink for a few years and um then I went
Speaker 1: on to do other things and I found myself on
Speaker 1: Marriage boot Camp Reality Stars, which is great, and we're
Speaker 1: celebrating our eleventh season. I've done six of of of
Speaker 1: those seasons, and we have a spinoff, Family boot Camp,
Speaker 1: which is a lot of fun. So it's been a
Speaker 1: wild ride. It's been fun. So can you tell me
Speaker 1: a little bit about Marriage boot Camp. I'm not familiar
Speaker 1: with the show, so how does it work? Well, it's
Speaker 1: a marriage bootcap Reality Stars. So we have couples come
Speaker 1: on the show and they live in a house together
Speaker 1: for uh fourteen days, and they decide at the end
Speaker 1: of the show whether they want to be together are
Speaker 1: or not. So so our goal, you know, we root
Speaker 1: for the couples, but it's really about choice and your
Speaker 1: ability to make a choice. Is this the person for you?
Speaker 1: So we're not trying to fix that relationship, you know,
Speaker 1: We're that that's that's not where our steaks are. You know.
Speaker 1: Our steaks are about is this the person you should
Speaker 1: be with? And we run the couples through a series
Speaker 1: of exercises where they're able to make choice. And I'll
Speaker 1: tell you, you know, people stopping in the street. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, I've learned so much from that show. People
Speaker 1: always tell me, you know, there's a great takeaway and
Speaker 1: I and I actually do think it's one of the
Speaker 1: few shows on television and reality where you do walk
Speaker 1: away with communication skills. You do walk away with a takeaway,
Speaker 1: and that's awesome, you know. So do all these couples
Speaker 1: that you deal with, every one of them is married
Speaker 1: or are their boyfriend girlfriend? You don't know they're there,
Speaker 1: They could be on the verge of divorce. Don't have
Speaker 1: to be married, they could be a girlfriend boyfriend, They
Speaker 1: just have to be in a relationship. So from your experience,
Speaker 1: I figure you probably have seen it all. Do you
Speaker 1: kind of see reality stars sucking more at dating than
Speaker 1: like a normal person? You know? No, that answer is no.
Speaker 1: I think unconventional people UH need unconventional methods. And it's
Speaker 1: really the method in which we choose to help unconventional
Speaker 1: people that that matters. But but in essence, the problems
Speaker 1: are all very similar. And I think that's why people
Speaker 1: love the show because while it's wild and crazy, people
Speaker 1: are like, yeah, I can see myself in that person. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they can see problems, they can identify exactly exactly. Okay, Um,
Speaker 1: so dr View, what is your take? I think we
Speaker 1: discussed this at the top a little bit. You want
Speaker 1: to talk about sex, and yeah about you're to talk
Speaker 1: about sex thing, which I find quite fascinating because you
Speaker 1: don't like to sex. Just Jackson, any confirmation? Yeah, Jack
Speaker 1: what do you think you know? I cannot confirm the sex. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean maybe a little risk a photo here and there,
Speaker 1: but that's just like a hey buddy, miss you? All right,
Speaker 1: so that doesn't qualify as a sex for you. Okay,
Speaker 1: but if a woman said, hey buddy, miss you, I
Speaker 1: think it all depends on the circumstance, right, Like if
Speaker 1: you're in a long distance relationship, long term relationship, I
Speaker 1: could see it being this is so murky. I need
Speaker 1: what a sex really is, Like, I don't think I've
Speaker 1: ever sent a pick? Can I say that? Okay? Like,
Speaker 1: what are the rules here? What are the rules keep
Speaker 1: a clean I've never sent a d pick before, you've
Speaker 1: never said a dean pick okay, um, and I've never
Speaker 1: like act do you want to? Not really? Okay, I
Speaker 1: just don't see what the point of it is, Okay.
Speaker 1: I don't like I've never asked a girl to send
Speaker 1: me a picture. Okay, But that's picture, that's pictures. That's
Speaker 1: I mean, that's what I'm That's what I'm thinking of
Speaker 1: a pictures. I guess sex thing is different. So you're
Speaker 1: thinking of like photos, like your photos. But I guess,
Speaker 1: so what would sex thing be? Then? Just like talking
Speaker 1: dirty to each other, which I still don't do that,
Speaker 1: So you still don't do that? No, I just I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't think that. What are you scared of?
Speaker 1: What scares you about that? I don't know if, by
Speaker 1: the way, and not saying you should be doing that,
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just asking questions because that's what I'm
Speaker 1: here to do. I don't know if I'm scared. I
Speaker 1: just don't think that. I'm a very outwardly sexual person.
Speaker 1: But inwardly you're a wild animal. I almost think that's
Speaker 1: like we're get we were brought up thinking that type
Speaker 1: of stuff is taboo. Where where did you grow up
Speaker 1: in Colorado? So, like, I don't know. I just think
Speaker 1: that discussing that is I don't know private matter. I
Speaker 1: don't know. Do you are you a sexual person in general?
Speaker 1: Or or or no, Like it's sexting an extension of
Speaker 1: how you feel about sex or or is it something
Speaker 1: different that you have different views on? Well what do
Speaker 1: you think? I'm asking you the question? Don't deflect. I
Speaker 1: just I don't see what the end game of sex
Speaker 1: thing is like? Is it supposed to make me aroused?
Speaker 1: Is it supposed to just convey interest to the person
Speaker 1: that I'm sexting it too and let them know that
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about them like that? I think your roommate Jackson,
Speaker 1: needs to come in on on this. You, Jackson, you
Speaker 1: enjoy sexting? What do you get from it? So? I
Speaker 1: have sexted before, but also I travel a lot for work,
Speaker 1: and so if I were to be in a long
Speaker 1: distance relationship, it is one way that uh, my partner
Speaker 1: and I have found to stay connected and keep the
Speaker 1: heat and the passion. So what does the typical sex
Speaker 1: look like to you? I mean, give can you pull
Speaker 1: up your phone? Why does the typical X look like,
Speaker 1: what does a typical sex don't be shy? I mean,
Speaker 1: that's what we're here to do. I mean, yeah, yeah, um,
Speaker 1: you know it's hey, I'm in bed, I'm thinking about you.
Speaker 1: I definitely wish you were here right now. So that's
Speaker 1: not sex thing. And then and then I think that
Speaker 1: is and then it you know, maybe from there let
Speaker 1: me just help you. Yeah, so maybe it's something like
Speaker 1: I can't wait to taste you. I want to that sex. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I love to feel you on my body.
Speaker 1: That is I've said, bla blah, can you stroke the pearl?
Speaker 1: You know, like okay, okay, So the two if you
Speaker 1: were young, that's what I'm getting at. That's what I'm
Speaker 1: picking up here. You're you know, you're you're young, You're
Speaker 1: you're maybe shy about talking about sex. Yeah, so I
Speaker 1: think kind of two Dean's point, Um, we were raised
Speaker 1: in this idea that you don't really talk about sex
Speaker 1: as I guess openly and outwardly, as maybe um some
Speaker 1: other people doing so. For me, it's always been something
Speaker 1: I've been a little bit more shy about. And also
Speaker 1: as a guy, I sometimes feel, how do I, you know,
Speaker 1: broach this sexual topic without coming across too forward and
Speaker 1: being respectful. And you're bringing up such a good point, Jackson,
Speaker 1: because in our culture and in our society, we don't
Speaker 1: have a healthy narrative around sex. We just don't. So
Speaker 1: you know, it's either the madonna or the whore, or
Speaker 1: he's a stud or who's effing this person, who's effing
Speaker 1: that person, And there's really no real healthy narrative around
Speaker 1: what it means for two people to love each other
Speaker 1: or not and be in a healthy sexual relationship. So
Speaker 1: I think the two of you to be sitting in
Speaker 1: the middle of this is interesting because you're you're struggling
Speaker 1: with that, and I think in an American society we
Speaker 1: struggle with that a little bit more because we're fox
Speaker 1: Puritans really like we pretend to be the puritanical society. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: you know, Dean is a wild animal behind closed So
Speaker 1: anyway to get I I didn't mean to derail into
Speaker 1: philosophical and and and and and academic so so so
Speaker 1: so Jackson, you so you partake in a healthy sexual
Speaker 1: So you think it's partly like our sexual repression that
Speaker 1: we have as a society, Like what would another culture
Speaker 1: be that has it maybe more healthy do you think
Speaker 1: like europe I do. Uh, you know, Europeans are a
Speaker 1: little bit more open about sex. Um, depending on where
Speaker 1: you are. Um, there's you know, in in many ways.
Speaker 1: You know, Italy has less sexism than the United States. Um.
Speaker 1: So I think that our culture doesn't promote to have
Speaker 1: healthy conversations. And I think, Dean, some of your issues
Speaker 1: around sexting might be You're just part of a culture.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to go out on a limb and
Speaker 1: say that you're pro sexting, you know, pro expression, but
Speaker 1: I am. I'm pro expression. I think that sexing is
Speaker 1: just another way to be creative and fun um with
Speaker 1: someone that you love and who loves you back. And
Speaker 1: I do think, just like anything else, um, it can
Speaker 1: cause problems. It can get in the way of actual
Speaker 1: true intimacy because you know, if you have the skill
Speaker 1: of sexting, but maybe in person you're just a little
Speaker 1: too shy. And you know, here, here you built yourself
Speaker 1: up to be this. You know this amazing. You know,
Speaker 1: I want to trying to keep this g rated PG rated.
Speaker 1: I believe in under promising and over delivering. Do you
Speaker 1: feel you do that, Dean? Do you feel you you
Speaker 1: under promise and over deliver. I don't know about the
Speaker 1: over delivery part. If you're over delivering, um, do you
Speaker 1: feel like look with the d with the dpics, I
Speaker 1: get that. I mean, that's your that's your body. You know,
Speaker 1: there's something about you know, having your body be yours
Speaker 1: and just yours. So I understand that. Um. But if
Speaker 1: we're moving into words, which you are, um, you're saying
Speaker 1: that you have some other issues around that, And so
Speaker 1: I guess the question is do you want to remain
Speaker 1: that way? Do you like yourself for the way that
Speaker 1: you are, or do you I think that if sexting
Speaker 1: we're like way to improve a relationship, Like I think
Speaker 1: that anything is worth exploring, right, So if if by
Speaker 1: adopting sexting as a habit could improve my love life,
Speaker 1: then I think that's something worth considering. I mean, have
Speaker 1: you ever considered that maybe it's a skill that you
Speaker 1: just don't have that I think that's sexting and putting
Speaker 1: how you feel into words is a skill, and maybe
Speaker 1: that's just not one that you have. So we did
Speaker 1: the love languages test last week, and my number one
Speaker 1: love language is physical touch, And so maybe I like
Speaker 1: to express myself more physically than I do verbally, just
Speaker 1: a thought. Okay, okay, well all right, DRV, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: I'm gonna step aside and we're moving on. Talk about
Speaker 1: our one of our fantastic sponsors, fab Fit Fun. I
Speaker 1: don't know if you have you seen a fab fit
Speaker 1: Fun box. No, but it sounds all of the above,
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Speaker 1: summer and rose, black fold over clutch, a sterling forever
Speaker 1: wishbone necklace, a spongel, body washing, fused buffer, and French
Speaker 1: And I actually got this box and I brought it
Speaker 1: home and Jackson has been using that spongeb body washing,
Speaker 1: fused buffer and he's his skin has been silky. It's honestly,
Speaker 1: it has been glowing lately. Um, what else are you
Speaker 1: get in that box? It looks there's some Himalaan pink salt.
Speaker 1: My other roommate is big at cooking, and you cook
Speaker 1: stick all the time. I think he's been using that
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Speaker 1: each box is a guaranteed value of at least two
Speaker 1: hundred dollars. So you're making out like a bandit dr V.
Speaker 1: You're gonna love it. I can promise you that much. Yes, Okay,
Speaker 1: So now we're gonna go ahead and jump to the
Speaker 1: phones and take some user calls. I just tweeted out
Speaker 1: what is your stance on sexting? Do you condone it
Speaker 1: or do you dislike it? And let's take some phone calls?
Speaker 1: So who do I have on the phone here? All right?
Speaker 1: All right, page? What do you think about sex thing?
Speaker 1: Tell us about it? Um? I would say that if
Speaker 1: you're in a long distance relationship and it's necessary if
Speaker 1: you're wanting to do that. Okay, So do have you
Speaker 1: ever sent a sex before? Probably in like senior year
Speaker 1: high school around that age. Okay, okay, so you've kind
Speaker 1: of grown out of it. Yeah, because I had a
Speaker 1: relationship that was like six hours away. Oh so that's
Speaker 1: that's so. I have dr V from Marriage boot Camp,
Speaker 1: Reality Stars in the Year page. So sexting your relationship
Speaker 1: alive and you know, sort of like what Jackson was
Speaker 1: expressing earlier. We've gone like two weeks without seeing each other,
Speaker 1: and so it keeps it alive. I'd say, so, are
Speaker 1: you in a relationship now? Yes? And do you sex now? No?
Speaker 1: We actually live in the same place now, but before
Speaker 1: we were separate, so yes, So you wouldn't like sex
Speaker 1: for in the living room bedroom? What about when you're
Speaker 1: at work or something like it or anything? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: so let me ask you this. How long have you
Speaker 1: guys been together? A year and a half? Give us
Speaker 1: the story. Oh, we just met and he sent me
Speaker 1: this little gift that said or gift whatever you call it,
Speaker 1: and I said, I like your face and it just
Speaker 1: kind of went from there. That's pretty sweet chivalry. Man,
Speaker 1: it's still around. I like your face. And what did
Speaker 1: you say back? What do you say back? Oh? Nothing,
Speaker 1: really nothing, And we kind of texted back and forth
Speaker 1: for like two weeks and we met and we started
Speaker 1: dating the day we met. So tell us the sex
Speaker 1: people with people who won't tell me their sex? What
Speaker 1: was the sex? I don't I don't really know. I
Speaker 1: can't really think of specifically. I mean, was it? Like?
Speaker 1: I feel like the basic one is like what are
Speaker 1: you wearing? Do you find that that would be a
Speaker 1: typical male question. What are you wearing? Yes? And what
Speaker 1: did you tell what you're usually like? What what did
Speaker 1: you say? I hope you said nothing? I'm wearing nothing?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I said, like nothing under my clothes. All right, Paige,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling in. We're gonna jump to the
Speaker 1: next call. I love it and good love with the
Speaker 1: relationship commando. Thank you by all Right, who do we
Speaker 1: have on the phone now? Him? My name is Arisa
Speaker 1: and Lisa and Lisa so at Lisa, you're on the
Speaker 1: phone with dr V for Marriage boot Camp reality stars
Speaker 1: in my roommate Jackson? Hello, Hi, what do you think
Speaker 1: about sex thing? Okay? I called him because I think
Speaker 1: it's disgusting? All right? Okay, why why is it so disgusting?
Speaker 1: What do you think is disgusting about it? Um? I Okay,
Speaker 1: I just don't think it. It's right, honestly, Like maybe
Speaker 1: if you're in the relationship, like if you're in the
Speaker 1: relationship with the person for like maybe a year, like
Speaker 1: it can inside anything less than that, you know, like
Speaker 1: if you just met them, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, look,
Speaker 1: if you just meet someone, it's a little creepy analyst, like,
Speaker 1: I'm with you when you're totally with you. Are you
Speaker 1: in a relationship now? So you're not in a relationship now.
Speaker 1: So if you were to get let's just say you
Speaker 1: met someone and um, are you hed a sexual man? Woman? Straight?
Speaker 1: You're straight? Okay, So so you meet this man, he
Speaker 1: sent you, you exchange phone numbers, he sends you a
Speaker 1: text that that's that's sexy in nature. Let's say it's
Speaker 1: not sextyng but sexy in nature. Like, I love the
Speaker 1: way you look. Your hips are so sexy. You're such
Speaker 1: a beautiful woman. Is that disgusting? That's different, that's just flirting. Okay,
Speaker 1: So where's your line? Where's your boundary? This is what
Speaker 1: I want to know. Where's your boundary? If they were
Speaker 1: to send me like a kick without it's so true,
Speaker 1: at least you can't say that word. You're on you're
Speaker 1: a pick, so so send you an unsolicited pick of
Speaker 1: his genitals and your dude, no, no, no, no, I
Speaker 1: get you. Okay, I got you, I got you. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 1: all right on at Lisa, Well, thank you for calling
Speaker 1: in O, thank you. You're the best buy, best of
Speaker 1: luck with your sexty endeavors, no picks. Okay, let's do this.
Speaker 1: So again, we're joined by dr V who you probably
Speaker 1: know her from Marriage boot Camp reality Stars on we TV,
Speaker 1: and what she does is help reality stars help reality
Speaker 1: stars solve their relationship problems on television. So yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that's what I do. Dr V. What mistakes do
Speaker 1: you typically see these couples making, um, the typical mistakes
Speaker 1: that most couples make, uh problems in communication. I think
Speaker 1: one that I've been stuck on lately is, you know, people, uh,
Speaker 1: their need to be right outweighs the empathy for their partner.
Speaker 1: And I see that more and more, And I don't
Speaker 1: know if that's from the social climate that we're living in.
Speaker 1: Everyone has a stance and they want to be right,
Speaker 1: and you know, we don't operate in vacuums. So I
Speaker 1: really do believe that some of what we're all feeling
Speaker 1: as a nation enters into how we feel as a
Speaker 1: people and enters into our relationships. So how do you
Speaker 1: how do you advise on that? Well, I think once
Speaker 1: you acknowledge, you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. And
Speaker 1: a lot of times couples don't even realize they're doing
Speaker 1: that to one another, and once you sort of pointed
Speaker 1: out they have a third party sort of just point
Speaker 1: that out, they're like, oh, yeah, I I do do that. Um.
Speaker 1: So I think the I think some of the hardest
Speaker 1: things is dealing with a hard ass, like a hard head, um,
Speaker 1: A lot of those god like all the time, all
Speaker 1: the time, um, and so kind of pounding through that.
Speaker 1: You know, I take too, you know, I take one
Speaker 1: or both approaches. Either I feel like I have to
Speaker 1: get to that person by being really really soft, um
Speaker 1: and really just pouring empathy and love all over it,
Speaker 1: you know, or I have to be a hard ass
Speaker 1: and a badass and I have to say things that
Speaker 1: maybe are true that they don't want to hear. Um.
Speaker 1: And look, you know, people aren't strolling through the self
Speaker 1: help section because they want to hear things about themselves.
Speaker 1: They're walking in those actions because they want to hear
Speaker 1: good things about themselves. And so the question really is
Speaker 1: what do you do with information that you don't like
Speaker 1: about yourself? And I think as a culture, we need
Speaker 1: to address that and as well as you know, self
Speaker 1: empowerment as well as bettering ourselves individuals, what do you
Speaker 1: do with information you don't like about your DRV? Do
Speaker 1: you feel like reality stars because they're constantly being bombarded
Speaker 1: by h all of these outside voices telling them, you know,
Speaker 1: I don't like you for this, I don't like you
Speaker 1: for that. Do you feel like reality stars sometimes have
Speaker 1: a stronger wallup? Maybe you know you're bringing up such
Speaker 1: a great question, Jackson, And I'll tell you what I
Speaker 1: have seen is people reality stars who have grown up
Speaker 1: as reality stars, sometimes their sense of self is a
Speaker 1: little soft, and they come into look like like like
Speaker 1: every couple comes into the house as a cup. But
Speaker 1: I really do see their individual journey um And a
Speaker 1: lot of times, people who have been in the public
Speaker 1: eye forever, um, their sense of self is a little soft.
Speaker 1: And I feel that it's my job to help strengthen
Speaker 1: that sense of self. Um that no one can tell
Speaker 1: you who you are, who to love, how to act,
Speaker 1: how to be that you have a boundary between you
Speaker 1: and that social atmosphere that if that makes sense, yeah, absolutely,
Speaker 1: well it's it's so interesting being on the outside and
Speaker 1: looking in because you know, it seems like a lot
Speaker 1: of people feel like they have the the right the
Speaker 1: ability to write whatever they want on Dean's wall because
Speaker 1: maybe he doesn't seem like a real person to them,
Speaker 1: but yet he is a real person. I feel like
Speaker 1: that's got to be hard and it's true, and look
Speaker 1: like you know, you know a lot of times it's
Speaker 1: like quit being the bullying online hole that you don't
Speaker 1: have the guts to be in your real life. And
Speaker 1: that's what I find a lot on social media, you know,
Speaker 1: people looking to lash out and they're looking to be angry,
Speaker 1: and it's like, look, you woke up bankry, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, you woke up that way. Dean didn't
Speaker 1: do that, Jackson didn't do that, I didn't do that.
Speaker 1: You woke up like that. So so much of what
Speaker 1: we see online is a projection of just how people
Speaker 1: feel about themselves. So so back to the show then,
Speaker 1: and a little bit more about you. So you basically
Speaker 1: sit down with like these kind of like group therapy sessions.
Speaker 1: That sounds like right, Um, you know there there are
Speaker 1: they're exercises um that we and drills that we run
Speaker 1: the couples through. Each couple doesn't UM. And a lot
Speaker 1: of times, you know, there's a lot of resistance to
Speaker 1: doing these drills because they're designed to bring up a
Speaker 1: specific emotion or or they're designed to bring up conflict. Um.
Speaker 1: So they can get uh torturous for some of the couples.
Speaker 1: And I'll tell you the reality stars who come in,
Speaker 1: couples who come in, they are always shocked. So do
Speaker 1: you advocate a couple of therapy for pretty much any relationship? No,
Speaker 1: I I don't you know. I think I think that
Speaker 1: we've become a society where, you know, we believe that
Speaker 1: therapy is good for everyone, and it actually isn't good
Speaker 1: for everyone. And I'll give you an example, um, particularly
Speaker 1: people who have undergone trauma. A lot of times UM,
Speaker 1: new therapists and counselors and life coaches they want to
Speaker 1: talk about that trauma. Well, all you're really doing is
Speaker 1: really traumatizing that person. So for certain people, observing yourself,
Speaker 1: observe yourself isn't the thing to do, you know. I
Speaker 1: I also think the way we digest mental health UM
Speaker 1: needs to change. It's you know, currently it just feels
Speaker 1: like it's for privileged people. Um, what's that therapy? And
Speaker 1: it's for and and and it isn't. And what's interesting
Speaker 1: about that is that therapy be again, who were privileged
Speaker 1: people by Freud for board, people who had nothing to
Speaker 1: do to come on the couch and sit and talk
Speaker 1: about their lives. So so it was designed for privileged people.
Speaker 1: And so how we view mental health, how we approach
Speaker 1: mental health and our own ideas about mental health needs
Speaker 1: to really encapsulate, um, the the the disempowered, the disenfranchised.
Speaker 1: You know, we have to have a community that is
Speaker 1: based on helping helping other people, you know, helping helping
Speaker 1: other people feel supported and loved. So I mean therapies
Speaker 1: and is an act of isolation. You know, you're isolating yourself,
Speaker 1: you know. But I feel that our ideas about mental
Speaker 1: health needs to be community based and community oriented. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I believe that. So so earlier you mentioned that on
Speaker 1: the TV show you put these couples through drills. Yeah,
Speaker 1: what a drill if you were to give me a drill.
Speaker 1: What would that be, Um, I would put tape over
Speaker 1: your mouth for the entire fourteen days. No, no, no, yeah,
Speaker 1: Well what can Dean do at home? What can Dean
Speaker 1: do at home? We think about Jackson and I do
Speaker 1: so we can both improve our day. That's a really
Speaker 1: good thing to think about. You know. So much of
Speaker 1: what we do is in the moment to catch and
Speaker 1: in the moment process so so so for example, UM,
Speaker 1: we create through the art department, a very very real
Speaker 1: death scene where you get to see your partner laying
Speaker 1: in a casket or in a car crash, on an ambulance,
Speaker 1: treacher you and we create that and it's real. It
Speaker 1: looks really like every time I do it, I'm like,
Speaker 1: like a home I hugged my husband. I'm like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, this is awful. So and we create that,
Speaker 1: And so what ends up happening is the other half
Speaker 1: of the couples that we decide are not doing that
Speaker 1: come out into this emergency situation and they see their
Speaker 1: partner dead and they have to read the last thing
Speaker 1: they wrote about them, which is usually awful. What a
Speaker 1: experiential process of learning, I mean, it's intense. So you
Speaker 1: and Jackson are going to go home and Dean, you're
Speaker 1: going to get into a coffin and you're going to
Speaker 1: say main things, do you improve your relationship? Do you
Speaker 1: think that there are things that friends can do to
Speaker 1: have them improve their dating experiences? Like, say, is there
Speaker 1: something like Jackson can tut to help me out as
Speaker 1: a friend to be better at dating? Okay, So here's
Speaker 1: the thing, Jan I've I've sat with you just for
Speaker 1: a few minutes now, and um, I'm wondering if you're
Speaker 1: one of those people that has difficulty taking in negative feedback.
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if you're want to receive a lot of
Speaker 1: negative feedback, because that doesn't mean you take it in Okay,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. Like, I'm wondering that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean you you're like, oh, well, I received that feedback
Speaker 1: from someone I trust. I'm incredibly stubborn, and I think
Speaker 1: that might be part That's what I'm picking up. But
Speaker 1: something with the glitter on the face stubborn with with
Speaker 1: faery esque. For the record, yes I do have a
Speaker 1: flashtat on my face. And thank you for pointing that.
Speaker 1: A doctor mean how everyone knows. So I think, um, like,
Speaker 1: do you feel that you would be open to Jackson
Speaker 1: giving you feedback. I mean I think that because like
Speaker 1: the title of your show is, like I said, help,
Speaker 1: I suck at dating? But do you just suck at
Speaker 1: being human? You know what I mean? I think you'
Speaker 1: all kind of do though, Like but but but in
Speaker 1: your process? Like what is it about you as a
Speaker 1: human as why you suck at dating so much? Are
Speaker 1: you trying to impress the person? Do you feel like
Speaker 1: you're maybe you don't have good enough boundaries? Do you
Speaker 1: feel like you played too many games? Like what is it, Dean?
Speaker 1: What is it? I'm not leaving or til I get answers? Um,
Speaker 1: I think I've put up a lot of walls in relationships.
Speaker 1: So you have problems being vulnerable? Um, I think that
Speaker 1: I have moments of vulnerability, but I think overarching, yes,
Speaker 1: I probably have difficulty opening up to have difficulty opening
Speaker 1: up to someone else. So you piled up all these
Speaker 1: walls and you have I mean, if you can't be vulnerable,
Speaker 1: you can't trust, and if you can't trust, you can't love.
Speaker 1: So so, so work on that for next week. I'll
Speaker 1: be back. We'll see how We'll see how you do
Speaker 1: I understand? Oh, Yeah, give me a call. Absolutely see
Speaker 1: how the homework went. Absolutely, yeah, we'll tell you about
Speaker 1: the re enacting. But but Dean, and in all seriousness,
Speaker 1: as you said, something very very vulnerable. As you said,
Speaker 1: I have maybe I have trouble being vulnerable, and that
Speaker 1: is the first step. It's a it's a vulnerable thing
Speaker 1: to do. So I would love for you to think
Speaker 1: about you have to write it down, but think about
Speaker 1: all the things that you're afraid of. And it doesn't
Speaker 1: even have to be about a relationship, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, It doesn't even have to be about that,
Speaker 1: just things that scare you and maybe things that scare
Speaker 1: you about you. Look, I'm forty five and I still
Speaker 1: have lists of things I'm afraid of, you know, in relationships,
Speaker 1: in relationships with myself, because we're always growing, we're always changing,
Speaker 1: and and if you're not, you're the only thing in
Speaker 1: the universe that doesn't because as you, as we all
Speaker 1: sit here now, everything is changing around us. So to
Speaker 1: constantly be on top of who you are and what
Speaker 1: you believe and how you think, you know that that
Speaker 1: should be fun, right. You shouldn't feel like work. Do
Speaker 1: you believe in astrology? Like Geese I don't think you do.
Speaker 1: I'm the answer right there. Yeah, so you don't think
Speaker 1: like an aries is more compatible with like a Taurus,
Speaker 1: you know. I'm I feel like people are looking to
Speaker 1: understand themselves and other people. Um, and I'm all for
Speaker 1: whatever helps you do that. Why are you dating someone,
Speaker 1: Dean who's no. I'm just curious, okay, because I see
Speaker 1: I have some friends who swear by that stuff, and
Speaker 1: I'm not a believer in that. What sign are you?
Speaker 1: I don't believe that the approximate location of the stars
Speaker 1: and planets at the time of your birth have any
Speaker 1: bearing on who you are as a person. I'm an Aries.
Speaker 1: I know what I am. I guess and I can
Speaker 1: identify with some qualities. I only use signs to like
Speaker 1: huff and puff when I don't like the person. So
Speaker 1: that's what I That's the only time I ever used
Speaker 1: a sign. Okay, Well, are you know what am I?
Speaker 1: I am a Pisces, okay, Jackson to you, I'm a
Speaker 1: capricor opercorn December. That's right. Wow, Yeah, I don't know
Speaker 1: what any of those all right? All right, Well we're
Speaker 1: gonna call next week. You are called me next week? Man,
Speaker 1: this is dr V for Marriage boot Camp Reality Stars.
Speaker 1: You're amazing. Thank you for coming to the office so
Speaker 1: much for having me, and it was so nice meeting you.
Speaker 1: Jomp ring to keep him out of trouble best, I'll
Speaker 1: send you pictures of the death scene. That all right, Well,
Speaker 1: thank you again for coming. Thank you so much. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll call you later on down the line and give
Speaker 1: you an update. Already already bye bye, Thank you by doc.
Speaker 1: So the other day I was hanging out and this
Speaker 1: package showed up at our house and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I wonder what this is, said hello fresh on it.
Speaker 1: So you remember I came to you and I said, Dean,
Speaker 1: what is this? Would you tell me? I told you
Speaker 1: that I'm gonna start cooking meals for you. I didn't believe.
Speaker 1: I didn't because one of the things I think I
Speaker 1: could be a better roommate is if I just made
Speaker 1: you guys mutles every once in a while. Yeah. And
Speaker 1: so the first meal, I was really surprised. It was
Speaker 1: actually really super good. What was it? It It was chicken,
Speaker 1: and it was chicken and something vegetables and some vegetables,
Speaker 1: super fresh, super juicy. Nothing like a good piece of
Speaker 1: juicy chicken. Right. It was amazing and the portions were perfect, perfect, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it was. It was nice also because I felt like
Speaker 1: it really brought us together try something new. And then
Speaker 1: afterwards what they also sent you a couple other meals,
Speaker 1: A couple other meals. I've been eating all of them.
Speaker 1: I'm loving every single one of them. I definitely have
Speaker 1: a tendency to overeat, Like whenever I go to get
Speaker 1: Chinese food, I get like fourteen helpings. And so what's
Speaker 1: great about Hello Fresh is they rash and everything very well,
Speaker 1: so you're never over eating, but you're still not going hungry. Uh.
Speaker 1: And it was pretty healthy too, super healthy, and that's
Speaker 1: definitely something that you and I have discussed quite a bit.
Speaker 1: Are Dios starts tomorrow tomorrow, but it actually starts today
Speaker 1: with Hello Fresh because it's freaking good. So if you
Speaker 1: go to Hello fresh dot com and use my code
Speaker 1: Ungler thirty, you get thirty dollars off, and each meal
Speaker 1: is only like ten dollars, so you're gonna get three
Speaker 1: dollars off. On top of that, you're gonna be saving
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of money eating super well, and you're
Speaker 1: just gonna be all around a happier and healthier person.
Speaker 1: So go to Hello Fresh dot com and use Ungler
Speaker 1: thirty at checkout. That's U n G l e R
Speaker 1: Tree zero at checkout. Okay. So, so joined by one
Speaker 1: of my closest friends, Jackson, lived with him for over
Speaker 1: a year. We met, I think here in Los Angeles
Speaker 1: on the flag football team we won the championship. Was saying, Um,
Speaker 1: so I brought him in. It helps because it makes
Speaker 1: me a little bit more comfortable. He's obviously a very
Speaker 1: smart person too, so I always value his insight, um,
Speaker 1: except for when he says something stupid and listened to it. Um.
Speaker 1: And so I thought, you know who else, who better
Speaker 1: than than Jackson, one of my closest friends, to come
Speaker 1: in and tell me what he's observed in my dating
Speaker 1: and you know, maybe what I could be doing better.
Speaker 1: Um So, Jackson, maybe do you want to maybe introduce
Speaker 1: yourself real quick? Yeah, like Dean said, my name is Jackson.
Speaker 1: It's I'm really glad you invited me on here today
Speaker 1: because it's been a wild ride watching you through all
Speaker 1: of it, from knowing you before the show to then
Speaker 1: seeing you on it, and then going on to Paradise
Speaker 1: and then now being back in the real world. UM,
Speaker 1: I think I'm still pretty much the same person though,
Speaker 1: and that and that's what I think has been awesome
Speaker 1: is you have been very true to yourself and who
Speaker 1: you are. UM. I think you've had to navigate some
Speaker 1: really interesting things. Uh. You know, the what we were
Speaker 1: at we were at ed sharing concert and uh, we
Speaker 1: were we were down on the court and I felt
Speaker 1: like maybe it was the Beatles and everybody was like,
Speaker 1: oh Dean, and hundreds of girls flocked and surrounded us,
Speaker 1: and it was it was crazy, but that was an
Speaker 1: interesting experience. It was pretty crazy. But you know, I
Speaker 1: felt like you've stayed again, pretty true to who you are. Now.
Speaker 1: One of the things that's been interesting living with you
Speaker 1: is you're somebody who I think you try to come across, uh,
Speaker 1: like you aren't as in depth of a person as
Speaker 1: you actually are. How's that? So? Oftentimes, Dean, you like
Speaker 1: to laugh about things, and you like to you like
Speaker 1: to smile and get your way out of, you know,
Speaker 1: having tough conversations. But one of the things that I
Speaker 1: think a lot of people don't see about you is
Speaker 1: the nice stuff that you do and the thoughtful stuff
Speaker 1: that you do. UM. You know that maybe people don't see.
Speaker 1: So a good example is, you know, I'll be gone
Speaker 1: for a work trip and you'll I'll get a text
Speaker 1: for me that's like, hey, buddy, how you doing and
Speaker 1: and those are the types of things that I think
Speaker 1: people don't see all the time, and and that his
Speaker 1: stayed consistent from again before the show and then even
Speaker 1: until now. So it's been a fun ride. It's definitely
Speaker 1: goes both ways too, because I remember, like, I mean,
Speaker 1: you do a lot of great friendly things for me
Speaker 1: as well, and that's great. I mean, I think that's
Speaker 1: the basis of any strong friendship. But let's talk about
Speaker 1: dating a little bit, because you have kind of had
Speaker 1: the the the you watch me date before the show. Um,
Speaker 1: you watched obviously date on the show a little bit. Um,
Speaker 1: So what do you kind of see that I'm doing
Speaker 1: that you think I could improve upon? So I think
Speaker 1: Dr V hit it right on the head. So I
Speaker 1: experience you as somebody who is uh, not as vulnerable
Speaker 1: probably as some people, as the people that you're in
Speaker 1: these relationships with would probably like, um, I don't necessarily
Speaker 1: see you expressing uh exactly how you feel to people
Speaker 1: from the outside. As a roommate I mean, those walls
Speaker 1: are pretty thin. They're pretty thin. I don't hear you
Speaker 1: saying maybe, as I don't hear those in depth conversations maybe,
Speaker 1: And I'm I'm right up against the wall. I've heard,
Speaker 1: I've heard some of your in depth conversations. I guess
Speaker 1: I could open up a little bit more. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: mean is that something that are you? Do you feel
Speaker 1: like that's something you need to work on? I think that, Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think that all of us are a little slow
Speaker 1: and hesitant to open up to people, right, Yeah, how quickly?
Speaker 1: How quickly into talking to someone or dating someone do
Speaker 1: you begin telling them your story? Like you know, I mean,
Speaker 1: obviously you like tell bits and pieces about yourself like
Speaker 1: fragments throughout the whole dating experience. But they're obviously like
Speaker 1: certain nuggets of information that maybe cause you to feel vulnerable, right,
Speaker 1: I mean everyone's got those, right, So, like, how how
Speaker 1: long the relationship do you begin trusting someone to open
Speaker 1: up about that kind of stuff? For me, it takes
Speaker 1: quite a while, probably, I don't know, six or seven
Speaker 1: months before I really feel like, Okay, I'm going to
Speaker 1: open up with this person. Um And and with dating
Speaker 1: and friendship, I think it's a very similar thing. I mean, Dean,
Speaker 1: I don't think I really new your full story until
Speaker 1: us living together for quite some time. Um. And that's
Speaker 1: something where I mean, do you feel like you know
Speaker 1: my full story? Um? I know, we've discussed it quite
Speaker 1: a bit. Here's my situation or my feeling on that is.
Speaker 1: I I think that I hold those stories with very
Speaker 1: high value, and so it's like by sharing it, so
Speaker 1: like if I were to share it so frequently with
Speaker 1: someone that I'm you know, just meeting or just talking to,
Speaker 1: it's almost like devaluing that part of my life a little.
Speaker 1: I don't know, maybe not, maybe I'm talking to myself
Speaker 1: in circles. But it's like the more you share, like
Speaker 1: you're over sharing and it's kind of like taking away.
Speaker 1: Is it that you think that it loses value? Or
Speaker 1: are you afraid to be vulnerable and get close to
Speaker 1: those people? I mean probably a little bit of both.
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying like it loses value as a story,
Speaker 1: but like my personal value of it is like a
Speaker 1: little bit like it's weird now because going on a
Speaker 1: TV show, obviously I talked to it like everyone that
Speaker 1: watched about my story, and it was something I never
Speaker 1: really discussed with anyone beforehand, So it was like going
Speaker 1: from you know, zero people to however many people kind
Speaker 1: of being familiar with it. And yeah, I think I
Speaker 1: think that it's it takes someone very special to be
Speaker 1: able to open up to, right, And I don't want to,
Speaker 1: I guess, open up like the deepest parts of my
Speaker 1: life to someone that I'm not invested in. Do you
Speaker 1: feel do you feel like you have a fear that
Speaker 1: if you, you know, maybe you share this story with
Speaker 1: them and then that person is going to leave? I
Speaker 1: mean maybe that isn't part of Yeah, there's I mean
Speaker 1: I think there's a little bit of fear to that.
Speaker 1: I think that it would take a pretty crappy person
Speaker 1: to leave you when you kind of like pour your
Speaker 1: heart out to them, right yeah, yeah, But isn't that
Speaker 1: kind of scary? I mean I think I sometimes have
Speaker 1: that fear of while I'm about to be really vulnerable,
Speaker 1: open up, share this story and then maybe it's not
Speaker 1: gonna work out, and then you know, I've invested this
Speaker 1: time in this important part of me with this person.
Speaker 1: There is a certain fear I think too, especially within
Speaker 1: our friend group. I think that there are a lot
Speaker 1: of very strong, like familial units, right, and so like
Speaker 1: opening up to someone about how my family is like dysfunctional,
Speaker 1: it kind of I could see it being scary for
Speaker 1: someone else that has a very close family connection. Right.
Speaker 1: So my last girlfriend before I wanted the show, she's
Speaker 1: incredibly close with her parents, um, and her brother. They're
Speaker 1: all there, you know, a big, happy family. And I
Speaker 1: think that people often want to replicate those types of situations,
Speaker 1: and by being introduced to a situation that maybe isn't
Speaker 1: the most cohesive, it kind of gives, uh, like signs
Speaker 1: of warning or something like that. Right, Yeah, I get that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: coming from a family that has experienced divorce on my sign, uh,
Speaker 1: that is always something that I am hesitant to share
Speaker 1: at the beginning because it's scary. Maybe this is a
Speaker 1: warning sign that I don't know what I'm doing. Um,
Speaker 1: do you kind of feel like you have any of
Speaker 1: those fears? Maybe not necessarily with the divorce part, but
Speaker 1: you know, with that feeling of well, and I think
Speaker 1: I've mentioned this even actually during the filming of The
Speaker 1: Bachelorette is I don't want my current family situation to
Speaker 1: be a reflection of what I want my family to
Speaker 1: be moving forward, and so maybe I like kind of
Speaker 1: sugarcoat things and don't open up because I have this
Speaker 1: idea of what I want my future to look like
Speaker 1: in it doesn't really involve much of my past. And
Speaker 1: I guess obviously we're all shaped and molded by the
Speaker 1: experiences and that that um things that we go through
Speaker 1: as children and obviously like has young adults. But I
Speaker 1: think that we're always trying to like better ourselves, right
Speaker 1: and provide a better future for ourselves. And so I'm maybe,
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm thinking ahead instead of trying to
Speaker 1: look behind. And I think we're both pretty headstrong people
Speaker 1: and that we feel like, hey, we are gonna, you know,
Speaker 1: dictate how our lives are going to end up, and
Speaker 1: so we don't want, you know, again that the past
Speaker 1: to to have any um barns on what we're gonna do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got that, Yeah, I agree. Alright. So while you're
Speaker 1: you know, in the podcast app downloading all your favorite podcasts,
Speaker 1: including this one, don't forget to go in and check
Speaker 1: out Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly, one of my close friends.
Speaker 1: And then there's also Almost Famous with Ben and Ashley I,
Speaker 1: two of my other favorite people from the entire franchise.
Speaker 1: They've got some juicy stuff they're talking about every single week. I,
Speaker 1: for one m a subscriber. I love listening to them
Speaker 1: and it's always fun to hear their take on everything.
Speaker 1: So one of my favorite things is taking emails from
Speaker 1: listeners because it's a direct line to hear kind of
Speaker 1: some of the stories that you're involved with and some
Speaker 1: of the problems that you're having as well. It's great
Speaker 1: to know that I'm not alone in my foibles throughout
Speaker 1: this whole relationship world that we're all trying to navigate through.
Speaker 1: So Mark, who you guys have met before, UM, is
Speaker 1: going to read us a couple of the emails that
Speaker 1: we got. And by the way, it's I saw at
Speaker 1: dating at iHeart media dot com. This is from Kita.
Speaker 1: Dear Dean, So I suck at dating, and I think
Speaker 1: it might be because I'm too ambitious. I'm twenty five,
Speaker 1: I have a master's degree, have had an almost three
Speaker 1: year career, and I'm in my second career pursuit. I
Speaker 1: play sports and have lots of hobbies and goals, so
Speaker 1: I have plenty of ambition, but it seems like whenever
Speaker 1: that ambition starts peeking through, they get really distant. For example,
Speaker 1: I try to be honest about how busy my schedule
Speaker 1: is and how much ambition I have, but so many
Speaker 1: guys get turned off when they expect me to drop
Speaker 1: everything to hang out with them, and I say, my
Speaker 1: schedule is pretty full, but we could advance. I always
Speaker 1: offer a time the following week that would work for me,
Speaker 1: But so often the guys throw out the line like, well,
Speaker 1: if it was important, you would make time for it, Dean.
Speaker 1: These are guys that literally just met, throwing me shade
Speaker 1: for not dropping out of school or work to hang
Speaker 1: out with them. In my opinion, it was important to them.
Speaker 1: They'd realize how precious my time is and be sensitive
Speaker 1: enough to be okay with needing to schedule a little
Speaker 1: ahead of time. Help. Well, I think that if any
Speaker 1: guy is telling you, if it's important enough for to
Speaker 1: you, you you should make time for it, just stop talking
Speaker 1: to them, right Well, you know, I wonder who these
Speaker 1: guys are that you're that you're meeting. Ultimately, I think
Speaker 1: you've got to find somebody who matches you on the
Speaker 1: same level, and somebody who respects that ambition, and somebody
Speaker 1: who is probably just as busy and so understands what
Speaker 1: it takes to to navigate that. And secondly, Keita keep
Speaker 1: doing you because master's degree, all these things. You're killing
Speaker 1: it girl. Any of these guys should be lucky to
Speaker 1: be hanging out with you. I think that whenever I
Speaker 1: try to make plans with someone and they say, let's
Speaker 1: do it next week at this time, it's kind of
Speaker 1: a little off putting because I think that we're in
Speaker 1: such a we're I mean, this is gonna get kind
Speaker 1: of stupid for a second, but we're in a time
Speaker 1: right now where we get things so quickly, Like we
Speaker 1: want something, we get it right away. And so for
Speaker 1: you to be telling these guys who can pretty much
Speaker 1: go on and access anything they want at anytime, it's
Speaker 1: like you're basically not allowing them to have what they
Speaker 1: want as quickly as they want it, which is good.
Speaker 1: I think that someone should be able to do that.
Speaker 1: I think that independence is incredibly sexy. Um, Dean, do
Speaker 1: you think that she should just drop everything for these
Speaker 1: guys whenever they say let's meet this week? I think
Speaker 1: she should know. No, what do you think? I don't
Speaker 1: think so. I don't think so either. Yeah, you keep
Speaker 1: doing you, You'll find the right guy. I promise This
Speaker 1: is from Michelle. Hi Dean, I suck at dating. I'm
Speaker 1: the worst. I'm someone who's guarded in her feelings. Mainly
Speaker 1: whenever I like someone, they have a hard time knowing
Speaker 1: because I'm actually pretty rude to them. That being said,
Speaker 1: I also go for the bad for me guys and
Speaker 1: that they're emotionally unavailable. The guys that are right for
Speaker 1: me I have a hard time deciding on. I don't
Speaker 1: know why I'm the worst. I'm a hopeless romantic. I
Speaker 1: used to be a Disney princess. Fairy tales are my issues.
Speaker 1: All I want if the casually dated person get to
Speaker 1: know them and see if it can build. Potentially, Where
Speaker 1: do I go to meet a man and not a boy.
Speaker 1: I don't want a ghost. I want someone who communicates,
Speaker 1: but it's also driven in life. Yeah, well, so I
Speaker 1: think that Jackson has taken a pretty cool approach. He
Speaker 1: has been doing a lot of interesting things. Last week
Speaker 1: he went to Last week Jackson went to it was
Speaker 1: like a taco cooking class or something, and you weren't
Speaker 1: going specifically to look to like find a woman, but
Speaker 1: it was a very heavily female dominated. I think you
Speaker 1: made some friends there, right, Like it's cool to be
Speaker 1: able to go to things like that. Yeah, so I
Speaker 1: I definitely was in not necessarily looking for anything or anybody,
Speaker 1: but I wanted a new experience here in l A.
Speaker 1: And so I went to this cooking class and it
Speaker 1: was all about trying new foods, and there were people
Speaker 1: there who were also in this same mindset of I
Speaker 1: want to try new things, and that led to finding
Speaker 1: cool people who are ambitious and who are maybe not
Speaker 1: necessarily just looking to go out to the bars all
Speaker 1: the time and drink. So maybe that more mature area.
Speaker 1: You gotta look someplace new, Maybe look someplace new. I
Speaker 1: think that going to the bars with your friends is great.
Speaker 1: I think that if you're looking for guys at bars,
Speaker 1: that's probably not the best spot to be looking for them,
Speaker 1: because you're gonna find those types of guys that are
Speaker 1: going out every Friday Saturday night getting drunk and just
Speaker 1: being obnoxious. And that's probably why. And that might be
Speaker 1: where the bad for me guys, bad for me guy
Speaker 1: the emotionally unavailable ones because they're probably young and just
Speaker 1: want a party, which is nothing wrong with that. It's
Speaker 1: just you've got to maybe just change maybe where you're
Speaker 1: looking for them. Yeah, that's my take on it. This
Speaker 1: is this one's kind of deep, But Dean, I think
Speaker 1: there are parts of this you can probably relate to. Hey, Dean,
Speaker 1: this is Sarah. I'm a big fan of your from
Speaker 1: the Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Although it was painful
Speaker 1: to watch you put yourself in that situation, I don't
Speaker 1: think anyone should judge you because that is in a
Speaker 1: normal dating scene. My problem with dating is that I
Speaker 1: have no problem getting a guy interested, but I struggle
Speaker 1: opening up to guys and therefore reach a point in
Speaker 1: the relationship where I self sabotage. I find something about
Speaker 1: the person I don't like, I make them not like me,
Speaker 1: or I put pressure on it too fast. I know
Speaker 1: I sabotage relationships and I have trouble opening up, but
Speaker 1: I still can't fix it. My mom also passed away
Speaker 1: when I was eleven, and I have a fear of
Speaker 1: losing someone again. My dad has been the worst male
Speaker 1: role model and that and never put me first, and
Speaker 1: I'm terrified of being with a man anything like him.
Speaker 1: Hopefully you have some great advice for me, and you
Speaker 1: have better luck and your dating experiences as well. Sarah.
Speaker 1: You know it's weird because this email that Sarah just
Speaker 1: sent in Dina actually really sounds kind of a lot
Speaker 1: like your experience. So okay, we'll get into a little
Speaker 1: bit background story of the filming of the Batchette because
Speaker 1: again we it all comes back down to this. I
Speaker 1: think that very first home or the very first one
Speaker 1: on one date that I had with Rachel, when I
Speaker 1: opened up about losing my mother. It was difficult, but
Speaker 1: there was a an I t M and in the
Speaker 1: moment interview that I was that we were filming before
Speaker 1: the dinner portion of the date, I think, and I
Speaker 1: broke down and like I cried a lot before the
Speaker 1: dinner in the interview, and I think what the producer
Speaker 1: made me realize. He was like he was saying, you're
Speaker 1: scared to get attached to someone because you don't want
Speaker 1: to lose someone that you care about again. And he
Speaker 1: made me think about he put in perspective. He said,
Speaker 1: if you could go back and change any of the
Speaker 1: memories that you have with the person that you loved
Speaker 1: my mother, would you go back and get rid of
Speaker 1: those memories and answer obviously is no, because you love her.
Speaker 1: I loved her um and all of the good times,
Speaker 1: as bad as it was dealing with the loss of her,
Speaker 1: the good memories that I had were still overshadowing and
Speaker 1: outshining the the the ultimate loss of her. Right, So
Speaker 1: I guess I could be reflected into relationships of if
Speaker 1: you can love someone wholeheartedly with the risk of losing them,
Speaker 1: and but the fact is you're you're going to create
Speaker 1: good memories from it, right and be in love and
Speaker 1: find someone. Yeah, you know, it was kind of interesting.
Speaker 1: We were up at the filming for your hometown and
Speaker 1: I remember meeting you at the bar before you went
Speaker 1: to your parents to your to your dad's, and I
Speaker 1: remember you being pretty visibly nervous about what that experience
Speaker 1: was going to be like, because you from from the outside,
Speaker 1: it looked like you were nervous that Rachel was going
Speaker 1: to see that and automatically say, yeah, say I don't
Speaker 1: want to be with Dean because of what his family
Speaker 1: is like. And here's the thing, I would never say
Speaker 1: that my father is a poor role model, right, Like
Speaker 1: he's my father. I love him. We have disagreements, we
Speaker 1: don't necessarily get along, but he's still my father, right,
Speaker 1: and I'm proud of the person that I am. I'm
Speaker 1: obviously still learning a lot, but I mean I have
Speaker 1: sent him to think for a lot of who I am. Right,
Speaker 1: So even though your father is maybe not the best
Speaker 1: role model, you still have to appreciate the person that
Speaker 1: you are now. And and it's kind of like the
Speaker 1: Fervor method, right, like love by um separation. I don't
Speaker 1: know exactly how to say it, but like in my
Speaker 1: actually try to try to make this point to me too,
Speaker 1: He's like, you should be grateful about the uh the
Speaker 1: lack of love I showed you as a child, because
Speaker 1: it shaped you into the person that you are now.
Speaker 1: And it's I mean, it sucked. I've got really upset
Speaker 1: when he told me that. I was like, are you
Speaker 1: kidding me? You just told me that? But like in
Speaker 1: in hindsight, like it's kind of true. I remember saying
Speaker 1: I always wanted to form myself into the opposite person
Speaker 1: that he is. Right, So it's kind of like I
Speaker 1: don't know, addition by subtraction. Well, it's about how we
Speaker 1: uh see these challenges and see these negative things that
Speaker 1: happen and can you spin it into a positive can
Speaker 1: you learn from and then can you you know, take
Speaker 1: maybe the negative qualities, consider to take the negative qualities
Speaker 1: about you know, the people in her life and maybe
Speaker 1: turn it into Okay, I want to look for these
Speaker 1: positive qualities now. So to Sarah's point, the self sabotage,
Speaker 1: the unwillingness to open up. I mean it's hard for
Speaker 1: me to to try and give advice on that because
Speaker 1: I'm still struggling with it so mightily. Yeah, and so
Speaker 1: like I can say what I think I should be doing,
Speaker 1: and that could maybe look reflect onto you, Sarah. But again,
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't remember what I'm doing, so well,
Speaker 1: how are you gonna how are you gonna try and
Speaker 1: get better at that? I think that I've started to
Speaker 1: open up to people a lot more specifically in dating.
Speaker 1: But it's interesting now opening up is a little bit
Speaker 1: different because people are more aware of my story and
Speaker 1: I don't really have to, I guess, talk about as
Speaker 1: much as I would otherwise to fill in to talk
Speaker 1: about it. I mean, yeah, every once in a while,
Speaker 1: like all, like share stories from my childhood when I
Speaker 1: normally would never do that. Um, Like, I'm opening up
Speaker 1: bits and pieces to my past that I normally wouldn't otherwise,
Speaker 1: so too, I guess Sarah's point and maybe to help
Speaker 1: her out just like slowly chip away at it. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's not going to happen overnight. It's just a it's
Speaker 1: a working, working progress. Maybe start with something small to
Speaker 1: share and then kind of go from there. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: it's funny too. I think we talked to We discussed
Speaker 1: it last week a little bit, but that one of
Speaker 1: my reluctancies to open up is because I just don't
Speaker 1: want to bore people and sharing like little stories of
Speaker 1: when you were ten years old. I mean, it's just
Speaker 1: kind of boring sometimes times. But I think that when
Speaker 1: you're sharing it with someone that you like, if it's
Speaker 1: a girlfriend or if it's a friend, all it does
Speaker 1: is strengthened the bond between the two of you guys. Right,
Speaker 1: all right, Well that'll just about do it for episode
Speaker 1: four of Help I Suck At Dating? I want to
Speaker 1: give one more big thank you to my roommate Jackson
Speaker 1: for being here. It was my pleasure buddy dr V
Speaker 1: who is no longer in studio, but she was great.
Speaker 1: So next week's topic is do you Suck at Dating?
Speaker 1: If you only text the other person? What do you think, Jack?
Speaker 1: I am a big advocate of calling. I love calling people.
Speaker 1: It's definitely becoming like a lost art form. So I
Speaker 1: like texting. I'm I'm a big texter, but I have
Speaker 1: been getting much better with and whenever my phone rings,
Speaker 1: I'm always always like I don't want to answer this,
Speaker 1: but aren't you kind of excited though? And like you
Speaker 1: see a girl calling you not just a text? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think like if it's like a late at night
Speaker 1: and you just want to have a conversation, like, I
Speaker 1: appreciate it. I've been facetiming a lot lately, so I'm
Speaker 1: getting better at the whole conversation over the phone. And
Speaker 1: I personally think that you do kind of suck at
Speaker 1: dating if you only a text, right, Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 1: It's it's a lot easier to say things in a text,
Speaker 1: I think than it is over the phone when they
Speaker 1: can hear your voice and they can well you do
Speaker 1: have a great voice thought all the time. Alright, So
Speaker 1: next week we're going to talk about that a little
Speaker 1: bit more. Do you suck at dating if you only
Speaker 1: want to text the other person? Email your thoughts too?
Speaker 1: I suck at dating at i heeart media dot com
Speaker 1: about this topic, that's I suck at Dating at i
Speaker 1: heeart media dot com. Do you suck at dating if
Speaker 1: you only want to text the other person again. That'll
Speaker 1: do it. For episode four of Help I Suck at Dating,
Speaker 1: I'm Dean Aungler, and maybe next week I'll suck a
Speaker 1: little bit less