Speaker 1: Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts,
Speaker 1: so Friends and Ken to kick off the month of February,
Speaker 1: which is a month where we celebrate Black History Month,
Speaker 1: of course, and we celebrate love. Why not, I thought,
Speaker 1: why not go back in time or go back into
Speaker 1: the catalog and share one of my favorite episodes with
Speaker 1: you guys about black love and dating in our community.
Speaker 1: And this episode is with a very good friend of mine.
Speaker 1: Her name is Bianca, and I hope that you enjoy it.
Speaker 2: This is old school, so if you.
Speaker 1: Have not gone back into the catalog, and you have
Speaker 1: not gone back into season one, the first year of
Speaker 1: hand Me My Purse, this will give you some insight
Speaker 1: into where I've come from. It's a wonderful conversation. I
Speaker 1: hope you guys like it. I really love some feedback
Speaker 1: and just to find out what you guys think about it.
Speaker 1: Enjoy it and happy Black History Month, y'all.
Speaker 2: Me I can't see the thing that Okay, what's up?
Speaker 3: Y'all?
Speaker 2: Welcome to hand Me My Purse the podcast.
Speaker 1: I am Mimi Walker, and I will be your forever
Speaker 1: host each and every single time you tune into this podcast,
Speaker 1: So go ahead and get comfortable, get yourself a glass
Speaker 1: of your favorite beverage, whether that's alkaline water, red kool aid,
Speaker 1: a hot cup of tea with honey, a glass of
Speaker 1: Cabernet Salvignon or Hannessy, light yourself a candle, some incense
Speaker 1: or burn some stage and just get ready to chill.
Speaker 2: Out and have a good time.
Speaker 1: What's up, friends and ken. It is Memi resident Auntie
Speaker 1: Supreme here at Handy my Purse, the podcast, and today
Speaker 1: I am sipping on a quick little sangreeas situation that
Speaker 1: I put together because you know, I need to relax
Speaker 1: a lot happening. There are a lot of moving pieces
Speaker 1: happening in the world today and yesterday and last week
Speaker 1: and this week and probably next week, and SIS needed
Speaker 1: to relax, and not relax like hardcore relax. I just
Speaker 1: needed to calm my spirit. So what I did was
Speaker 1: my good friends that can collective. They have a mixed
Speaker 1: berry punch mixer and it is entitled Boon vivont. How
Speaker 1: do I know how to say that like that? Because
Speaker 1: you may not know this, but your girl has been
Speaker 1: studying French since March. Because I wanted to come out
Speaker 1: of this COVID with some new skills, some skills that
Speaker 1: I could use.
Speaker 2: I love Paris.
Speaker 1: I have not talked about traveling on this on my podcast,
Speaker 1: but I love to travel. Paris is my city. I
Speaker 1: love Paris, and I wanted to learn how to speak
Speaker 1: French so that the next time I go there, I'm
Speaker 1: not using Google Translate the entire time that I'm there.
Speaker 1: So that's how I know that it is pronounced boem Vivont,
Speaker 1: but it is spelled b n v I v a
Speaker 1: n t s. So I use their bone Vivont mixed
Speaker 1: berry punch. I use the nineteen Crime Snoop Dogg wine
Speaker 1: and nineteen Crimes is this wine where it's an interactive wine.
Speaker 1: You download the app and you put the phone your phone.
Speaker 1: Once you you open the app and you put the
Speaker 1: phone up to the front of the wine bottle, and
Speaker 1: the wine bottle talks. First time I saw it, second
Speaker 1: time and third time I saw it, it freaked me
Speaker 1: the hell out.
Speaker 2: So I don't really fool with it. I didn't download
Speaker 2: the app or anything.
Speaker 1: But because you know, in my spirit, I'm a West
Speaker 1: Coast girl, I had to get this.
Speaker 2: Snoop Dogg wine. I had to. I had to do
Speaker 2: it for the West.
Speaker 1: Okay, So I got that mix those together, added some
Speaker 1: bubbly grapefruit seltzer, which is one of my favorite. And
Speaker 1: know they are not paying me, None of these people
Speaker 1: are paying me. But these are things that I'm using.
Speaker 1: I want you to know what I'm using, just in
Speaker 1: case you want to try it. So mix all of
Speaker 1: those together in like a half gallon pitcher.
Speaker 2: Was it a half gallon?
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure it were sixty four ounces. I poured
Speaker 1: the whole bottle of the bon Vivance Punch, the whole
Speaker 1: bottle of the Nineteen Crimes wine. And here's the thing
Speaker 1: about the Snoop Dogg Nineteen Crimes wine. It's I don'tmember
Speaker 1: it being as dry as a Merleau, but it was
Speaker 1: kind of like a pino noir.
Speaker 2: I could be wrong. I didn't look it up.
Speaker 1: If you want to look it up, feel free, but
Speaker 1: just know it was a dry wine, not like a
Speaker 1: sweet wine or anything. So it was kind of good
Speaker 1: because the mixberry poncho is sweet, the wine is dry,
Speaker 1: and then the grapefruit bubby kind of gave it some
Speaker 1: citrus notes versus giving it a lot of like more
Speaker 1: berry notes and making it more sweet. Because I don't
Speaker 1: really like sweet wine. So I added the grapefruit bubbling,
Speaker 1: and then I cut up some apples, oranges and some
Speaker 1: lemons and put that in there, and sis had a situation.
Speaker 1: And when I tell you, it was good, it was delicious. Okay,
Speaker 1: So what I'm gonna do. The thing about the grapefruit
Speaker 1: selter and why I use grapefruit and cut up lemons
Speaker 1: and oranges was because I didn't want to make it
Speaker 1: too sweet, so the grapefruit seals are kind of made
Speaker 1: it pop. Anyway, it was good, it was a situation.
Speaker 1: I want you to try it out if you can.
Speaker 1: Cane's Collective is pretty local, and when I say local,
Speaker 1: I mean like Maryland, like the DMV area. I think
Speaker 1: you can get it in Philly as well. I'm not
Speaker 1: really sure, but I'm going to put a link to
Speaker 1: their website and their Instagram information in the show notes.
Speaker 1: If you reach out to them, they're really cool. I'm
Speaker 1: sure you know they'll let you know like where you
Speaker 1: can find it or if you can find it in
Speaker 1: your area or whatever. But if you can try it,
Speaker 1: I want you. I am going to give you a
Speaker 1: homework assignment. I want you to make this little drink
Speaker 1: that I have. Find yourself some cane collective, bon Vivant
Speaker 1: berry mixer, get yourself that Nineteen Crimes Snoop Dogg Wine,
Speaker 1: get yourself some grapefruits seltzer. It doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: bubbly if you don't want it to. Or get lemon,
Speaker 1: or get lime or lemon lime and make this. I
Speaker 1: want to know if you try it out. I want
Speaker 1: to know what you made. And here's the thing I
Speaker 1: didn't tell you. It has gold sparkles in it. One
Speaker 1: thing you don't know about me. I love gold. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's the Africa in me. I love gold, and I
Speaker 1: love shiny stuff. I love gold. It has gold sparkles.
Speaker 1: So it touched my heart in a different kind of way.
Speaker 2: I want you to go out. I want you to
Speaker 2: try it. I want you to try it. I want
Speaker 2: you to try it. Okay.
Speaker 1: It was delicious and I only did I drink it once,
Speaker 1: but I drank it twice. Okay, So I want you
Speaker 1: to go ahead and try that. Tell me what you think.
Speaker 1: And yeah, let's go ahead and get into this jam.
Speaker 2: Why don't we.
Speaker 1: Both friends and ken For this episode's jam, I decided
Speaker 1: to go with one of those like quintessential love songs.
Speaker 1: For me, I feel like it is a quintessential love
Speaker 1: song because it kind of is evoke in the spirit
Speaker 1: of like.
Speaker 2: Just let me know what's up.
Speaker 1: And for myself, I can say that this is essentially
Speaker 1: how I am right. And it gets in a way
Speaker 1: when it comes to dating for me because like I
Speaker 1: know that dating, like I suck at dating.
Speaker 2: I'm not good at it. I feel like it is bullshit.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's too much of an inauthentic dance
Speaker 1: when you could just be upfront and direct with people,
Speaker 1: right like I like you, you like me, or we
Speaker 1: had sex. It might have been too early, but guess what,
Speaker 1: I still like you and I kind of want to
Speaker 1: see where this goes. Or we haven't had sex yet.
Speaker 1: I really want to have sex with you, but if
Speaker 1: that's going to make things weird, I don't want to
Speaker 1: do it. Or you know, just about being direct and
Speaker 1: that song is Bob Marley's Waiting in Vain for me love.
Speaker 1: I love Bob Marley. First of all, He's fine. His
Speaker 1: kids are beautiful, them sons gee Mo nitty, those Marley
Speaker 1: sons are fine as frog hair. But I wouldn't touch
Speaker 1: one of them with a ten foot pole because they
Speaker 1: put some kind of houchikuchie hoodoo on you because you
Speaker 1: don't be right after you date them, it seems like.
Speaker 2: But anyway, shout out to Lauren Hill.
Speaker 1: But anyway, I love this song because, like, essentially he's
Speaker 1: just saying, you know, I've been checking for you for
Speaker 1: a while. Even if he's saying it like we've been
Speaker 1: friends for a while and I've had like a twinkle
Speaker 1: in my eye for you, and I'll keep on checking
Speaker 1: for you. I don't have a problem with it. But
Speaker 1: here's what I really need to know, Like, how do
Speaker 1: you feel about me? Because I'm not about to keep
Speaker 1: doing this if it's all for nothing. I don't want
Speaker 1: to wait in vain for you. From the moment I
Speaker 1: saw you, my heart said, you know, follow through with this.
Speaker 1: Oh I love this song. His heart told him to
Speaker 1: follow through. He followed through. But at the end of
Speaker 1: the day, like I just don't want to do this
Speaker 1: for nothing. If you don't feel the same way that
Speaker 1: I feel, or if you don't feel something, I don't
Speaker 1: want to wait in vain. I love this song, and
Speaker 1: let me tell you something. I look for a cover
Speaker 1: for this song. I looked and I looked and I looked,
Speaker 1: and none of them really did anything for me, like
Speaker 1: real talk. And so I've learned that I have to
Speaker 1: keep digging and keep digging, and I really try to
Speaker 1: keep my covers.
Speaker 2: I try to look for covers.
Speaker 1: Done by black people, you know, and if I can't
Speaker 1: find one by a black person, then I will do one,
Speaker 1: you know, by a person of color. So I found
Speaker 1: this cool band from New Zealand. They were black. I
Speaker 1: hate saying aboriginal because they are original. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: call them ab original their original. But anyway, this band
Speaker 1: from New Zealand, and I liked what they did, but
Speaker 1: it didn't it wasn't quite hitting on it for me.
Speaker 2: Right, kept looking.
Speaker 1: I found this sister and I'm gonna call her sister
Speaker 1: because she, you know, she's brown. I found this young
Speaker 1: sister from Hawaii and she did an acoustic version and
Speaker 1: she was using a beat machine and she was singing
Speaker 1: and playing the guitar and I really liked it. And
Speaker 1: the reason that I picked it, I think, is because
Speaker 1: I know a lot of Hawaiian Polynesian, you know, islanders,
Speaker 1: and they really love Jamaican Rastafarian culture.
Speaker 2: So I said, you know what, I'm gonna go with this.
Speaker 1: Her name is Joanna g or Joanna, Joanna, Joanna, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that,
Speaker 1: but anyway, her name is Joanna or Joanna Gee. I'm
Speaker 1: going to link the cover, of course in the show notes,
Speaker 1: but I'm also going to link her Instagram in the
Speaker 1: show notes, and I want you to just get into it.
Speaker 1: Her voice is beautiful and she does the song justice.
Speaker 1: Like I said before, sometimes when I post these covers
Speaker 1: in here, like I'm like, man, this is some Mickey
Speaker 1: Mouse fraggle nago, you know what. But sometimes when I
Speaker 1: get it right, or when they get it right, they
Speaker 1: get it right, or I get it right because it's
Speaker 1: my show. But I got it right this time. I
Speaker 1: really really love this version. And I will say I'm
Speaker 1: only posting a snippet, but do yourself a favor and
Speaker 1: go listen to her entire version.
Speaker 2: It's really, really, really.
Speaker 1: Good and I hope you like it, and let's get
Speaker 1: into it right now. So Sins excuse me for interrupting
Speaker 1: your listening experience, but Sins has this is the longest
Speaker 1: intro to the song ever, and if you watch the video,
Speaker 1: you will understand why because she is setting it up
Speaker 1: and she's using her feet. I love people who use
Speaker 1: their feet to do things. But she's using her feet
Speaker 1: to set her tone and do all her buttons and
Speaker 1: all that stuff. But good God says like it's taking
Speaker 1: too long. People want to hear the song, so I
Speaker 1: kind of broke it up for y'all, but I wanted
Speaker 1: y'all to hear how it comes in with that acoustic guitar.
Speaker 2: So go ahead, let's get back into it. Sorry about that, right.
Speaker 4: TV on a strange there's no hip message and then
Speaker 4: talk to me, yes if you can come down.
Speaker 3: Or not?
Speaker 4: My friends nd I of mona ways, so.
Speaker 3: Out of lon way. I don't wanna waits you go,
Speaker 3: I don't.
Speaker 4: Wanna h.
Speaker 2: Now, let's get into the show.
Speaker 1: Friends and Ken, we are here today with my friend Bianca.
Speaker 1: Some people call her be, some people call her b Jamel,
Speaker 1: some people call her Bianca. I call her Bianca because
Speaker 1: that is how I met her, and that is how
Speaker 1: I address her. Or I call her siss because she
Speaker 1: is my sister. And we are talking today about This
Speaker 1: is part two in a series of three or four
Speaker 1: game pot on the culture of dating in the black community,
Speaker 1: and we're going to talk a lot about love and
Speaker 1: actually friends and ken. We have been talking for an
Speaker 1: hour and yours truly did not record it on zoom
Speaker 1: because you know what, sometimes things happen, and so we
Speaker 1: are going to try to have this conversation again. And
Speaker 1: you know, that was just like a rehearsal, you know,
Speaker 1: And I'm thankful that she is flexible and she is
Speaker 1: understanding that I am a human being, and you know,
Speaker 1: sometimes we make mistakes.
Speaker 2: And we are going to get into this thing.
Speaker 1: And I am going to say, Okay, in the name
Speaker 1: of Jesus, as God looks down upon us from uh
Speaker 1: sitting on high the universe, our ancestors, We're gonna bless
Speaker 1: this conversation. It's gonna be amazing. Okay, that's right. So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna have Bianca introduce herself and then we are
Speaker 1: gonna go ahead and get started with this conversation. Bianca
Speaker 1: introduced herself to my friends.
Speaker 3: Okay, please, I can try. So all of sort of
Speaker 3: friends in pasting know me as to be on them.
Speaker 3: People that know me a bit more intimately called me
Speaker 3: b and the people that know me from music, which
Speaker 3: is what I do know me as b Jamel.
Speaker 2: She has the voice of a goddess.
Speaker 1: And I am going to link her instagram in the
Speaker 1: show notes and if you have time, no make time,
Speaker 1: go and go just go look on her Instagram and
Speaker 1: listen to this woman sing.
Speaker 2: She has such a beautiful voice.
Speaker 1: Her mother was a backup singer or a background singer,
Speaker 1: a background vocalist for Richard Smallwood.
Speaker 3: Right, yes, the Richard Smaller. She was actually a part
Speaker 3: of the original Rick Richard Smallwood Singers. They were a group.
Speaker 2: She wasn't no background singer. Her mama ain't no background singer.
Speaker 3: She m part of the original Richard smallwot singer. So
Speaker 3: I was a road baby.
Speaker 2: She was a road baby.
Speaker 1: And so that lets you know that we're gonna get
Speaker 1: a little churchy up in here today. And when I
Speaker 1: say churchy, I don't mean it in the judgmental way.
Speaker 1: I mean I'm gonna be shondeauing up in here. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's because it already did happen.
Speaker 2: But guess what, I wasn't recording it. But guess what,
Speaker 2: I'm a Shondeau again because some of.
Speaker 3: These just like in the service, we're gonna go all day.
Speaker 2: You're gonna go all night. So goe, so listen, gone,
Speaker 2: get you something to drink.
Speaker 1: Sit down, sat down, as as church mother say, sat down,
Speaker 1: Go get you something to drink. Sat down, pull up
Speaker 1: a seat and get ready. The first thing I want
Speaker 1: to ask Banca is I want you to tell me about.
Speaker 2: Your favorite thing to drink. And it could be anything.
Speaker 1: That be water, It could be tea, It could be coffee,
Speaker 1: It could be milk, it could be kafir, it could
Speaker 1: be tequila.
Speaker 2: What is your favorite thing to drink?
Speaker 3: Well? When might just gonna talk about what I'm finished
Speaker 3: gonna write this second which is uh, this wonderful good,
Speaker 3: Come on.
Speaker 1: Cha in it?
Speaker 3: You know, like a little sweet. I like sweet and creamies.
Speaker 3: I see.
Speaker 1: She likes a sweet and creamy drink and I am
Speaker 1: the exact opposite. I do not like creamy liquorish.
Speaker 2: Be I do not. I don't drink Bailey's. Now.
Speaker 1: I did go to Canada. I went to Niagara Falls.
Speaker 1: If you guys ever get a chance to go to
Speaker 1: Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls has amazing vineyards and they have
Speaker 1: amazing wineries. And Wayne Gretzky, who used to play with
Speaker 1: the I don't even know what they're called.
Speaker 2: But who did he play for? Whatever?
Speaker 1: That's a Generation X thing. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky. If you're
Speaker 1: a Generation EX or you know about Wayne Gretzky. But
Speaker 1: whoever he played for, I can't remember. But he has
Speaker 1: a whiskey distillery and winery in Niagara Falls, and I
Speaker 1: went there and I did a whiskey tasting and I
Speaker 1: tasted their like clem liqueur, and it's kind of like Bailey's,
Speaker 1: but it made Bailey taste like sour milkchail when I
Speaker 1: tell you, it was delicious and.
Speaker 2: I don't drink stuff like that, but it was so good.
Speaker 1: So if you ever get a chance when outside open
Speaker 1: back up and other countries allow our peasantly American selves
Speaker 1: to visit their countries.
Speaker 2: And listen, listen, that's really what it is.
Speaker 1: Once other countries allow our raggedy ass American selves to
Speaker 1: come visit them again, make your way to Niagara Falls
Speaker 1: and go on a wine tasting tour.
Speaker 2: It's so amazing.
Speaker 1: And make sure you go to Wayne Gretzky's distillery. It
Speaker 1: is really, really, really nice. But anyway, I digress. So
Speaker 1: we know what she likes to drink.
Speaker 2: We know about her mama.
Speaker 1: She was beautiful. She is beautiful like her mama. And
Speaker 1: today we are going to be talking about love and
Speaker 1: relationships and dating in the black community. And as I
Speaker 1: sit here saying this to you, I'm really internally beating
Speaker 1: myself up for not recording that first conversation we had.
Speaker 2: And just trying to figure out, like, how do we
Speaker 2: move on from this?
Speaker 1: And that's kind of like what dating is. It's like,
Speaker 1: you know, you have a good time, you know, and
Speaker 1: things are beautiful and they go really well, and then
Speaker 1: something reminds you that you just did not do something right,
Speaker 1: something ain't right, and if you look up and everything
Speaker 1: is gone to ship and then you're wondering, how.
Speaker 2: Do I move on from here? That is exactly what
Speaker 2: this That is exactly what happened. Am I lying the uncle?
Speaker 3: It sounds pretty accurate.
Speaker 2: I'm in I'm in here recording I you know, I
Speaker 2: went out.
Speaker 3: Of yourself.
Speaker 1: I went out today and I went out and I
Speaker 1: hung out with my cousin and I'm actually in her
Speaker 1: room now, so we actually have a third party in here.
Speaker 1: You might hear making black lady noises like m I
Speaker 1: know that's right in the background, and you know, there's
Speaker 1: always somewhere, somebody there to witness the deterioration of your relationship.
Speaker 2: And that is what happened today, you know. But you
Speaker 2: know what this is, This is us moving forward.
Speaker 1: Okay, So we are going to move forward. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna harbor any ill will for myself. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: beat myself up for not doing this right. I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna move forward and we're just gonna get into it.
Speaker 1: So the first thing that I would like to talk
Speaker 1: about is the shifts in dating, Like there's there's there's
Speaker 1: been a shift in in dating and in relationships in
Speaker 1: our community. Things are very very different than they were
Speaker 1: when I was in high school. Things are very very
Speaker 1: different than they were when I was in college. Things
Speaker 1: are different than they were when I was in my twenties. Okay,
Speaker 1: and that's when I got a little I got a
Speaker 1: little wild.
Speaker 2: In my twenties.
Speaker 1: I got a little while in my late twenties, I
Speaker 1: was late to the wild party. Okay, but even then, like,
Speaker 1: things are so much different now, what do you think
Speaker 1: that is?
Speaker 2: What do you think that's about the shift? Let's name
Speaker 2: the shift?
Speaker 3: What is the shift? See?
Speaker 2: What do we call it? Oh?
Speaker 1: I'm not even gonna repeat what my cousin just said
Speaker 1: because it's not appropriate. Okay, I definitely want to know,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna see if I can paraphrase that she said,
Speaker 1: because dudes are starting to act like chicks.
Speaker 2: And you can use your imagination and put one and
Speaker 2: two together and imagine what she really said.
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say it, but basically she said, dudes
Speaker 1: be acting like chicks. Now, what I will say as
Speaker 1: a disclaimer is that para hand me my purse. We
Speaker 1: are not here to bash men.
Speaker 2: It is not what we do. I love black men.
Speaker 2: I came from a black man, and you can run
Speaker 2: with that whatever you want.
Speaker 1: Did you hear where I was going. I came from
Speaker 1: a black man, and I came for a black man
Speaker 1: actually recently, and it was amazing.
Speaker 2: The drought is over. The draft is over, Friends and Ken,
Speaker 2: The draft is over. That COVID draft is over. Hallelu Okay, okay,
Speaker 2: it's over. I'm on now.
Speaker 3: It's over.
Speaker 2: Because I was in the background, come on with the
Speaker 2: over drought. COVID draft is over.
Speaker 1: So I would say this that was so inappropriate and
Speaker 1: for my actual auntour listening, I'm very sorry. I did
Speaker 1: not mean to say that. Please don't spank me and
Speaker 1: still give me presents on Christmas.
Speaker 2: Auntie's listen, Wait a minute, did you hear what she said?
Speaker 2: She said, aunties be throwing it back too. That's right.
Speaker 3: With the best of them, most taking that.
Speaker 2: I wish I wish the aunties would teach me how
Speaker 2: they threw it back, because they're the ones with the
Speaker 2: husbands for thirty.
Speaker 3: Years, loyal husbands.
Speaker 2: Listen, they they driving kids, the appointments. Tell me how
Speaker 2: to be like you? Oh, great sensation. Listen.
Speaker 3: I mean I've been throwing it in the circle. Should
Speaker 3: it be an me?
Speaker 2: Should it be in a rectangle?
Speaker 3: Your age? Yes?
Speaker 2: Your ways? O grace sent say, but so what do
Speaker 2: you what do you attribute let's name this shift? What
Speaker 2: is the shift? Do you think? So my cousin seems
Speaker 2: to think that the shift is that dudes be acting
Speaker 2: like ladies. Okay, and I mean there may be some.
Speaker 3: They could never I feel like they act.
Speaker 1: Like listen, because acting like a woman. If men acted
Speaker 1: like women, we will probably be in good relationships. Right.
Speaker 3: They acting like they're acting like the societal stereotype of
Speaker 3: women and the societal ideal of women like they they
Speaker 3: do enjoy a certain amount of like you said in
Speaker 3: the in the Lost Recordings, the Lost Files very much
Speaker 3: them coming into sort of the awareness of the scarcity,
Speaker 3: the imbalanced and just availability of they know.
Speaker 2: So here's the thing.
Speaker 1: In the Loss Recordings we talked about how you know,
Speaker 1: brothers know now that like they do hot shit on
Speaker 1: the streets, like it used to be a thing where
Speaker 1: like women were the thing, right and where like if
Speaker 1: there were brothers, and there were uncles and the father
Speaker 1: and the cousins and even the mamas and the sisters,
Speaker 1: like you need to come over here. We need to
Speaker 1: bring this dude over here. Let's check him out. Let's
Speaker 1: see if he is good enough for you. Men nowadays,
Speaker 1: don't let him have no little funky job, that little
Speaker 1: funky degree. Don't let him wash his ears and wear cologne.
Speaker 1: Child and have au bill think that they are doing
Speaker 1: something Chia. They looking at it like, oh no, Sis,
Speaker 1: you need this, you need me. That is based on
Speaker 1: what society tells us about our men. I don't necessarily
Speaker 1: subscribe to that concept. I do not believe that all
Speaker 1: men are dogs, especially all black men. I don't believe
Speaker 1: that all black men are bad fathers. I do not
Speaker 1: believe that all black men are in jail, or all
Speaker 1: black men are gay, or all black men are cheaters,
Speaker 1: or all black men or anything.
Speaker 2: I believe that all black men are beautiful, but.
Speaker 1: Some my may right.
Speaker 3: We're all victims of the same poor conditioning, like we're
Speaker 3: all trying to unlearn, you know, sort of the value
Speaker 3: systems of the larger culture, the culture we've been sat
Speaker 3: down then forced to adhere to. Is that very much?
Speaker 3: I don't think it's a matter of I agree with you,
Speaker 3: and I want to make sure that I voice that
Speaker 3: I agree that. I have no delusions about black men
Speaker 3: being ain't shit, men are trash, they all lost, that
Speaker 3: they all get. I don't have that. That don't believe that.
Speaker 3: That's not been that my experience. I know, wonderful black men, delightful.
Speaker 3: I mean, hell, why would we be looking for one?
Speaker 3: You know? You know, I don't harbor the belief that
Speaker 3: all that black men are worth anything. I don't at all. However,
Speaker 3: availability is an issue. Like we talked about skill, I
Speaker 3: think it's really just the sheer quantity. It is a
Speaker 3: matter of not being enough to meet the demand for
Speaker 3: you know what I mean? Every woman to have and
Speaker 3: eligible and willing black man.
Speaker 1: Like.
Speaker 3: The ideas are changing the idea of monogamy, long term relationship,
Speaker 3: lifelong commitments. It's are starting to become past save a bit.
Speaker 1: This whole idea of monogamy like it has that that
Speaker 1: is that is one of the mayor shifts and not
Speaker 1: that polyamory and polyamorous love. And you know it is
Speaker 1: new because it's not because people have been doing this
Speaker 1: for ages. We're gonna track this all the way back
Speaker 1: to where Africa. Let's gone back. Okay, so it has
Speaker 1: been done and it's still done there, you know. And
Speaker 1: Islam men can take multiple wives and it's and it
Speaker 1: is not frowned upon. It is it is welcomed, you know.
Speaker 1: And in non black culture it is a thing. But
Speaker 1: now younger black people are adapting and deciding to live
Speaker 1: those lifestyles.
Speaker 2: Now, as for me and my house, I ain't gonna
Speaker 2: be able to do. I ain't gonna be.
Speaker 1: Let me explain something to you. That's when I become
Speaker 1: an original head bussa.
Speaker 2: It's me and it's you. Now, don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1: Now, I you know, you never know what you will
Speaker 1: be open to, Like down the road, and you know,
Speaker 1: but in this bedroom, it's gonna be me and it's
Speaker 1: gonna be you. In this house, it's gonna be me
Speaker 1: and you if you decide. Yeah, in this neighborhood, okay,
Speaker 1: but you know, you know, And it's funny, you know.
Speaker 1: I feel like there's been a shift in the way
Speaker 1: that I see things. I'm not married, I'm not even
Speaker 1: in a long term relationship, but I do view like
Speaker 1: I start I I have started to look at like
Speaker 1: the concept the marriage differently. Like, you know, we are
Speaker 1: taught as women or as humans, but I'm talking about
Speaker 1: women because I'm a woman. We are taught as women
Speaker 1: that you find a husband and you are with him,
Speaker 1: and y'all are together, and you stay together and you
Speaker 1: don't divorce, and you have kids and it is good,
Speaker 1: and you stay together and you grow old together and
Speaker 1: by any means necessary, it's just the two of you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, as I get.
Speaker 1: Older, Like I don't really know, Like I'm not even
Speaker 1: gonna lie, Like sometimes I wonder like being with the
Speaker 1: same man, sleeping with the.
Speaker 2: Same man for forty years. I like it too many.
Speaker 1: Different things only eaten fried chicken, French fries with ketchup
Speaker 1: and lemonade every day for forty years.
Speaker 2: I don't want that.
Speaker 3: I don't want to all what I'm And this is.
Speaker 1: A conversation that I've had with myself on a minia day.
Speaker 1: What I'm praying is that one day, because I've never
Speaker 1: been married, I said, I'm praying that one day I
Speaker 1: meet a man, that I meet him and I say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I don't even.
Speaker 2: Want to be with nobody else but you for the
Speaker 2: rest of my life. Now, God bless me, because I
Speaker 2: would like to. I would like for that to happen.
Speaker 2: I do. I want. I want that, but I don't
Speaker 2: really know.
Speaker 3: I can't even envision, like and I really just try
Speaker 3: try and shape in my brain in my imagination. I
Speaker 3: try to imagine a man that I'll meet and feel, like,
Speaker 3: you know what, every second the rest of my life.
Speaker 2: And I don't want but women. Here's another thing. I
Speaker 2: don't even want nobody else.
Speaker 3: Just you.
Speaker 2: That just you is real that.
Speaker 3: I don't know if I'm wired that way. I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I have to be honest, I don't
Speaker 1: know so, but but you know, like, what does that
Speaker 1: mean for a relationship, Like what would that look like?
Speaker 1: And if if the shift is there with us as
Speaker 1: as young relatively young black women like I can only
Speaker 1: imagine what the shift is like for black men our
Speaker 1: age right, because men are not men are not raised
Speaker 1: and taught to seek out monogamy or seek out at
Speaker 1: all monogamous relationships and to seek out, you know, relationship.
Speaker 1: Men are taught from a young age, especially in our culture,
Speaker 1: live your life, partner, live your life player, have all
Speaker 1: the ladies.
Speaker 2: I hate when I hear you know, I've had this.
Speaker 1: Conversation many times when you hear like women say things like, oh,
Speaker 1: my son is cute. All the girls in kinnygarten like
Speaker 1: my son. My son, or my son a pimp, all
Speaker 1: the little girls in his class like him.
Speaker 2: Excuse me, he's a baby.
Speaker 3: What are you talking about? A baby?
Speaker 1: And like for women, it's like, you need to find
Speaker 1: a boyfriend. You can't have all these different boyfriends. And
Speaker 1: because it looks bad and you look like a but
Speaker 1: let me tell you something.
Speaker 2: I coach cheerleader.
Speaker 1: I tell them little girls all the time, don't have
Speaker 1: no boyfriend, or if you do have a boyfriend at
Speaker 1: all the different schools in the in the cate have
Speaker 1: a boyfriend in DC, if you could find one. It's technology.
Speaker 1: Find your DC boyfriend, I drive you down there and
Speaker 1: go on a date and sit in the back with
Speaker 1: you if you want, you know, find you see what
Speaker 1: you like?
Speaker 2: Why do women have to be caught up in in
Speaker 2: search of a monogamous relationship?
Speaker 1: But men get to quote unquote like King Joffy Joe
Speaker 1: Firth told to Prince.
Speaker 2: I can your royal oats. I tell my cheerleaders.
Speaker 1: I tell them you need to sew them otesys and that,
Speaker 1: and I tell them that does not mean that you
Speaker 1: sleep with them, because everybody should not be privy and there.
Speaker 2: Because everybody should not be.
Speaker 1: Privy to your business. But go out, date a bunch
Speaker 1: of guys, have a good time. And whoever says that
Speaker 1: you're a slut, you can tell them to call me
Speaker 1: and I'll explain to them that that you are not
Speaker 1: and why you are not. Why is a woman a
Speaker 1: slut if she dates a lot of guys? But like
Speaker 1: boys are pimps.
Speaker 2: That little Patnotna got all a little holes in his class,
Speaker 2: all little holes up in.
Speaker 3: School like they are four. What are you talking about
Speaker 3: there in the.
Speaker 2: Second grade, sir? You know that I don't think that
Speaker 2: we should be saying that it's okay, no, oh goodness,
Speaker 2: but that and I feel that way. What do you
Speaker 2: think do you feel the same way like when it
Speaker 2: comes to monogamy, Like, I don't know, it's a little
Speaker 2: bit different.
Speaker 3: That's a conversation I was having just the other day,
Speaker 3: in fact, talking to one of my brothers about the
Speaker 3: whole idea that the fact that culture focuses on and
Speaker 3: pushes forth the idea that men are by nature non
Speaker 3: monogamous and noncommittal, like they're wired and they're just the
Speaker 3: bio biological makeup is to desire, seek out, engage multiple women. Okay,
Speaker 3: and I believe it, believe that's true. However, there's been
Speaker 3: no investigation into, you know, the biological makeup of women.
Speaker 2: It's not of their concern. It doesn't matter because we're
Speaker 2: supposed to exactly lay on our backs, catch these babies,
Speaker 2: lay on our back, push out these babies, and get
Speaker 2: up on your feet and take care of these babies
Speaker 2: and consider that.
Speaker 3: It's mutual. No, I don't believe humans are wired to
Speaker 3: be monogamous. We all have capacity to seek out, engage,
Speaker 3: enjoy multiple partners and every which way. Maybe maybe for
Speaker 3: some sense of time. It is with one person you
Speaker 3: are engaged for a duration of time, but sometimes there's
Speaker 3: several However you choose to move I believe we all
Speaker 3: have capacity to move about that way. But for some reason,
Speaker 3: the focus you know what I mean, the law quote
Speaker 3: unquote is being shaped around the fact that men are normal,
Speaker 3: but ours, our non monogamous capacity desire is never disconsidered.
Speaker 2: Discuss for discussion, it's not a discussion.
Speaker 1: And part of that, like if you want to get
Speaker 1: you know, ugly, it's so funny, like I'm on this
Speaker 1: whole uh ancestral and like genealogical quest like I'm doing
Speaker 1: all this research, I'm taking all these DNA tests, all
Speaker 1: they doing all this stuff and so wonderful it is.
Speaker 3: Podcast now, it's a wonderful journey.
Speaker 1: Keep on it is, and I'm gonna do I'm gonna
Speaker 1: do a show or two that might be a series too,
Speaker 1: but I'm trying to just get all my ducks in
Speaker 1: a row before i can like actually talk about it
Speaker 1: because it is very heavy. Uh it's it's very heavy
Speaker 1: spiritually for me. But I but in a good way,
Speaker 1: not in a negative way. But I digress, which is
Speaker 1: what we do here at handy mappers. We digress. So
Speaker 1: I was talking to my grandmother the other day and
Speaker 1: my grandfather, may he rest in peace, who passed away
Speaker 1: in January.
Speaker 2: I've spoken about him before.
Speaker 1: He was in the Air Force, and he spent some
Speaker 1: time in Japan, okay, And so we always joke not
Speaker 1: with my grandmother, of course, because that would be totally disrespectful,
Speaker 1: but we always joke about him possibly having some little
Speaker 1: Japanese babies running around by me having some cousins and
Speaker 1: some aunties and some uncles over there, right. And so
Speaker 1: for the first time ever the other day, she knows
Speaker 1: that I'm, you know, doing like this work, and she
Speaker 1: said to me, well, did you ever uncover anything about
Speaker 1: your grandfather having any kids in Japan? And I froze
Speaker 1: because it's like h and I said, well, no, I haven't,
Speaker 1: you know?
Speaker 2: And if I did, you know? You know, if I do,
Speaker 2: you know, I'll let you know. We'll talk about it,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: But that was the first time that I have not
Speaker 1: ever heard of her speak of my grandfather not being monogamous.
Speaker 2: But you know, like we like had a real conversation
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: And I think that it's just so much more acceptable
Speaker 1: for men to step out of their marriage and their
Speaker 1: relationship than it is for women.
Speaker 2: But let me tell you what I know. Women do it. Listen,
Speaker 2: aunties be getting they freak out, and you know, I wonder,
Speaker 2: I wonder.
Speaker 1: If it's a because you know, like I am a
Speaker 1: big time conversationalist, right, I feel like a way to
Speaker 1: maintain a healthy relationship, any relationship, whether it's with your doctor,
Speaker 1: your maleman, your grandmother, your friends, your husband, your boyfriend,
Speaker 1: your girlfriend, whatever, is that communication is vital, Like healthy
Speaker 1: effective communication is vital.
Speaker 2: Do they have conversations about this?
Speaker 1: Like do they sit down and say, look like, I
Speaker 1: love you, I want to be with you, but I
Speaker 1: need this step. I gotta get some new penis, so
Speaker 1: I need to get some new coochie like some got
Speaker 1: to give I need to get I need him for
Speaker 1: something else?
Speaker 2: Like do they talk about that?
Speaker 1: See?
Speaker 3: I think I think that it probably there's probably more
Speaker 3: occurrences of the women confront of the men, just letting
Speaker 3: them know, I know you, I know you out here.
Speaker 3: Hell you think I'm a fool, you think I'm on
Speaker 3: my head like.
Speaker 1: That.
Speaker 3: But I don't think men really have the where like
Speaker 3: they're not gonna be okay, like tell him. I just
Speaker 3: want you to know, Carolyn, I know, I know you've
Speaker 3: been out here, like I know you've been out here
Speaker 3: sneaking around with John from up the street, like because
Speaker 3: that's that's a you know, especially.
Speaker 2: He's gonna go brust John's head to the white man, right.
Speaker 3: That ain't gonna be no discussion. He gonna be like,
Speaker 3: you know, I just I whooped John's ass down the
Speaker 3: streets because I know you've been slipping around like knowing
Speaker 3: the whole time you've been sleeping with Harry and I put,
Speaker 3: I'll be put knowing you got a step in family.
Speaker 3: I've been sending the money the whole time. You think
Speaker 3: I'm stupid, Like women are more like that, Like, well
Speaker 3: that's a real thing, it is, I know, so like
Speaker 3: so it's different, and it's it's funny, like there's so
Speaker 3: many occurrences of that pepper throughout our history just that
Speaker 3: you know, we don't talk about it in the day, like,
Speaker 3: but the understanding is there so much. We we know
Speaker 3: how we wire. We know people aren't built to just
Speaker 3: be with each other forever and ever. Yeah, you know
Speaker 3: what I mean. And even sometimes I don't even argue
Speaker 3: that stepping out strengthens your bond, and I think that
Speaker 3: there's a delicate, sort of nuanced way to go about
Speaker 3: discussing it implementing it. There's a certain amount of I
Speaker 3: feel there's a certain amount of reference you still have
Speaker 3: to maintain, yeah, or hoping, you know what I mean,
Speaker 3: for home base or household. Like, I think that's that's
Speaker 3: where things start to spiral a lot of controllers, when
Speaker 3: you start to feel like your loved one is prefers
Speaker 3: you know that the person outside of Yeah, but women,
Speaker 3: especially women go ahead.
Speaker 2: I think I think that.
Speaker 1: When it comes to like that shift in that whole,
Speaker 1: like you're saying that we're not really wired to only
Speaker 1: be with someone. I want people to be clear when
Speaker 1: we say that, you know, only be with one person,
Speaker 1: it may not only be physical.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean.
Speaker 1: So it may be a thing where exactly you don't
Speaker 1: physically step outside of your marriage, but you have a
Speaker 1: friend and emotionally you step out, or spiritually you may
Speaker 1: step up because maybe your spouse doesn't understand who you
Speaker 1: are from a spiritual level, but you have a friend
Speaker 1: or you meet somebody who understands you.
Speaker 2: Does that mean that you don't love your wife or
Speaker 2: your husband. Absolutely not, absolutely not.
Speaker 1: But that means that maybe they just don't show up
Speaker 1: in that way because I don't believe that anybody can
Speaker 1: be everything to anybody, nor should that that's too much
Speaker 1: of a burden, that's too much of a heavy weight
Speaker 1: to carry. But I do believe that in some instances,
Speaker 1: especially now, especially from a physical sense, because when you
Speaker 1: are physically intimate with someone outside of your relationship, that
Speaker 1: can pose a problem because you can bring stuff home
Speaker 1: that you know can can make us sick. You can
Speaker 1: you can, as my grandmother says, did you know that
Speaker 1: so and so's husband got a baby on her? Like
Speaker 1: you could get a baby on me, And then that's
Speaker 1: a problem because now you got to take care of
Speaker 1: another baby, and that's dipping in the family's uh dividend.
Speaker 2: I have a problem. There's a problem. That's a problem
Speaker 2: for me.
Speaker 1: But I wonder, like, do you feel like people should
Speaker 1: talk to their spouse or their loved one if they
Speaker 1: are in an emotional situation outside of their marriage.
Speaker 2: Is that like is that a thing?
Speaker 1: Like should they go to their wife or their husband
Speaker 1: and say, look, I really love Bianca and you know
Speaker 1: it's not going to get physical, but like I love
Speaker 1: her and I love to talk.
Speaker 2: To her, and I hope it's okay. I think this
Speaker 2: is dumb to do that personally, I don't think you
Speaker 2: need to do that.
Speaker 3: So I think that things like this, this very scenario
Speaker 3: are a part of the shift we're talking about in
Speaker 3: sort of awareness and ideals and value systems and all
Speaker 3: the new monogamy, you know what I mean. Because I
Speaker 3: don't think it's that people are departing from it altogether.
Speaker 3: I think that it's starting to mutate into something that
Speaker 3: it better suits sort of the time and space where
Speaker 3: and we're in social media culture. You have constant access
Speaker 3: to people from every edge of the earth. You do
Speaker 3: you expect anybody not to end up emotionally even if
Speaker 3: it's not their intention to become emotionally invested in another person.
Speaker 3: Like now, you have access to you know, people who
Speaker 3: are like you, you know what I mean, like it
Speaker 3: and waste it. May be a partner and you love
Speaker 3: them to death, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: They don't get you on that level, or they don't
Speaker 1: they don't bring that out of you. And here's the
Speaker 1: thing about that, Like, I think that I love that
Speaker 1: you called it the new monogamy because because it is.
Speaker 1: And here's the proof that people are not shying away
Speaker 1: from monogamy, because if you look at the wedding industry,
Speaker 1: whole industry, it's booming them dresses, them venues, the bride'smaid's dress, flowers,
Speaker 1: food cakes, like that industry is constantly booming. Even being
Speaker 1: in this pandemic or mixt excuse me, being in this pandemic,
Speaker 1: it's still thriving.
Speaker 3: People.
Speaker 2: People ain't running from monogamy.
Speaker 3: People likes to get married. Marrying at a protest, like
Speaker 3: people like people get married.
Speaker 2: Let me just let me just give me five seconds.
Speaker 2: Let me be clear. I did not like that at all,
Speaker 2: Like sit down. My cousin just says, sit your ass down.
Speaker 3: I'm like, cousin, that's it sad much.
Speaker 2: I digress, which is like I said, what we do here?
Speaker 1: But I think that I like how that sounds the
Speaker 1: new monogamy because when the time comes for me to
Speaker 1: get married, like I have male friends that are very important.
Speaker 2: To me, I'm not gonna want to give that up,
Speaker 2: you know.
Speaker 1: And that doesn't mean that the relationship that I have
Speaker 1: with them is going to be a problem in my marriage.
Speaker 1: But I feel like my husband should understand, like this
Speaker 1: is my friend and he understands me on the level
Speaker 1: in a way that nobody else understands me, and it
Speaker 1: should not get in the way. But on the flip side,
Speaker 1: me scorpidity. Yeah, my moon is in scorpio, I said,
Speaker 1: my moon is in scorpidity.
Speaker 2: I don't even know.
Speaker 3: I don't even know what that means.
Speaker 2: My moon is in scorpio.
Speaker 1: If my man told me that he had a friend
Speaker 1: who understands him in a way that I don't serious,
Speaker 1: I have a.
Speaker 3: Problem with it right now.
Speaker 2: No, I know, I know, but he should understand that
Speaker 2: if I have a man who is nothing. But however, however, yeah,
Speaker 2: I know it's bad. God is still working on me.
Speaker 2: That's why I go to therapy. Okay, so I don't know.
Speaker 3: But that's the conversation we're having exactly right now. Though.
Speaker 3: It's trying to fit in, trying to figure out realistically
Speaker 3: how do we fit into the new monogamy because there
Speaker 3: are benefits to it. So when you get to enjoy
Speaker 3: the benefits, yeah, we can talk about, you know, coloring
Speaker 3: this a little differently, making it look a little different.
Speaker 3: But am I equipped to do? I have the stomach
Speaker 3: for reciprocating, you know, open myself and offering my partner
Speaker 3: the freedoms I intend, very much intend to enjoy even
Speaker 3: if I'm married.
Speaker 1: And one of the questions when I thought about this,
Speaker 1: and when I thought about this conversation, is you know,
Speaker 1: this whole new dating shift in this culture of dating
Speaker 1: and love in the Black community, Like.
Speaker 2: Who do I have to become to fit into this
Speaker 2: new box? Personally? I don't like fitting in the no boxes.
Speaker 2: I'm a big lady. I don't really fit in the
Speaker 2: box now what I do.
Speaker 1: But in addition to that, like my freedom is compromised
Speaker 1: when I'm asked to fit into a box. I have
Speaker 1: a problem with my freedom being compromised.
Speaker 3: Everything sort of marketed now as it's freedom, you know
Speaker 3: what I mean, It's it's it's freedom and fluidity and
Speaker 3: everyone have, you know, being being able to come and
Speaker 3: go and do and feel as.
Speaker 1: Please, that concept of so in the Loss recordings, friends
Speaker 1: and we talked about fluidity and and and and and
Speaker 1: love and dating from a from the concept of meanness
Speaker 1: and selfness and eyness and basically from from dating from
Speaker 1: your ego versus dating from your heart.
Speaker 3: Boom that's that's good.
Speaker 2: See, let me tell you something.
Speaker 3: It's good.
Speaker 2: We had them lost recordings.
Speaker 1: But guess what we're ready now dating from your ego self,
Speaker 1: Dating from your ego self, because that's really what it is,
Speaker 1: because you're dating, like we talked about brothers, knowing that
Speaker 1: like brothers is the hot day, the hot ship.
Speaker 2: We want them.
Speaker 1: We are seeking them out and like I said, don't
Speaker 1: let them look good halfway, don't let him smell halfway, don't.
Speaker 2: Let them be and listen, I'm a sucker for I
Speaker 2: almost said that word.
Speaker 1: I'm a sucker for a man that take care of
Speaker 1: his kid because don't have no whole bunch of kids, please,
Speaker 1: because I don't have time for that. A man who
Speaker 1: got a kid and he take care of that kid
Speaker 1: and he is a good daddy.
Speaker 2: Jesus, jesus. It makes me hot. Why because even though
Speaker 2: I don't really want no children.
Speaker 1: If and so I decide that I'm gonna pop a
Speaker 1: little chocolate baby out for you, I know that you're
Speaker 1: gonna be.
Speaker 2: A good daddy.
Speaker 3: I like that.
Speaker 2: Yes, it is because you know why sexy though, because
Speaker 2: it's a commitment.
Speaker 1: Come on, wait a minute, what we want to see
Speaker 1: as black women, as black men committing to blackness, to
Speaker 1: black babies that we make black.
Speaker 2: Babies that they may we want to see. We want
Speaker 2: to see black men committing two things that look like them.
Speaker 2: Wait a minute, man, we want to see them committing
Speaker 2: to things that look like them.
Speaker 1: So if it's the black baby, if it's the black
Speaker 1: baby mama, if it's me, like whatever it is, we want.
Speaker 2: To see that that turns us on.
Speaker 1: Look at him being a good dad. Look at him
Speaker 1: coaching football with these little black kids. Look at him
Speaker 1: preaching Sunday school.
Speaker 2: What come on?
Speaker 1: Now?
Speaker 2: We want that because we want to be.
Speaker 1: Loved by black men so bad. We don't understand, Like,
Speaker 1: why don't y'all just love us in the same way
Speaker 1: that we love you. And that's not to say that
Speaker 1: all of them don't. Let's do this disclaiming so that
Speaker 1: nobody's whining and seeing.
Speaker 3: A man all men.
Speaker 1: Clearly we're not talking about all black men. Clearly we
Speaker 1: are not in no way, shape or form here.
Speaker 3: How do you know all men? I'm not talking about
Speaker 3: all men.
Speaker 1: But even on that, like I'm not this is not
Speaker 1: I don't even come from a place of male bashing,
Speaker 1: especially black male bashing because I love black men. They
Speaker 1: are beautiful, they are they are royal, They smell good,
Speaker 1: the lips is good, like everything about them. I ain't
Speaker 1: want to say they taste good because it's nasty, but
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, they skin.
Speaker 2: Taste good when you lick on her heads. My cousin
Speaker 2: looks up, she was like, what you talking about? You
Speaker 2: know what I'm talking about. You got kids, I know
Speaker 2: you know what I'm talking about. But I'm just saying, like,
Speaker 2: you know, like, I love black men. But if we're
Speaker 2: gonna have here's the tea. Okay, So we we.
Speaker 1: I work at a school and we started PD and
Speaker 1: we were having a conversation about implicit bias, right, And
Speaker 1: the comment that I had in the conversation is that
Speaker 1: we have to get very comfortable with having very uncomfortable conversations.
Speaker 1: If we want to try to even create a ripple
Speaker 1: in the water is a change, It's the same thing
Speaker 1: in our community. If we are going to make ripples
Speaker 1: which lead to waves and the waters are change in
Speaker 1: our community.
Speaker 2: We got to say shit that people don't want to hear.
Speaker 2: Somebody gotta throw us downe. The truth of the matter
Speaker 2: is that we love you. We just want y'all to
Speaker 2: love us the same way, and clearly some of you do.
Speaker 1: But I wouldn't say this if I felt like we
Speaker 1: all felt like y'all love us the way that we
Speaker 1: love y'all. And I'm gonna speak for black women and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say we don't feel that way exactly.
Speaker 3: Something is And even if they do believe in their
Speaker 3: heart of hearts, which I don't believe they do like
Speaker 3: that not all men things thrown in it to deflect
Speaker 3: from whatever conversations we had at the time. That's neither though.
Speaker 3: But maybe you do believe that you are, in earnest
Speaker 3: providing the best love to put off for the black women.
Speaker 3: Even if that's true, if it's not translating, if we're
Speaker 3: telling you that it's not translating on our end, If
Speaker 3: your true intention is to love us, then you need
Speaker 3: to revise the way you love us. You don't get
Speaker 3: to decide how the person you love needs to be loved, you.
Speaker 2: Know what I mean. You don't get.
Speaker 1: You don't get to God, you don't get to negate
Speaker 1: my feelings. Basically, you don't get the gaslight me. If
Speaker 1: I'm saying that when you did X, X made me
Speaker 1: feel why and now we are here at Z. You
Speaker 1: don't get to say that when you did X, it
Speaker 1: shouldn't have made me feel like why. It should have
Speaker 1: made me feel like w And now we are hey.
Speaker 1: You don't get to do that.
Speaker 3: You don't.
Speaker 2: You do not Because what I am feeling is this.
Speaker 1: And so if collectively we are saying and it is happening,
Speaker 1: and like I said, there will be a conversation about
Speaker 1: this down the road. If we are feeling that we
Speaker 1: are not protected, we are not honored, we are not cherished,
Speaker 1: we are not loved. Collectively as a unit, black women
Speaker 1: are feeling that way when it comes to you, brothers
Speaker 1: like y'all got to kind of check yourself before you
Speaker 1: wreck yourself. And if we are going to address the issue,
Speaker 1: then we have to start from great Granddaddy all the
Speaker 1: way down to Tayte in kindergarten when it comes to protecting, honoring, cherishing,
Speaker 1: and loving Black women holistically. And in order to do that,
Speaker 1: we got to go to the root of the situation.
Speaker 1: Because when it comes to creating a healing love energy
Speaker 1: in our community, we got to go to the root
Speaker 1: of the problem. And at the root of the problem.
Speaker 1: There's a breakdown of the black fams. And sure we
Speaker 1: can go back by five hundred years, okay, five hundred,
Speaker 1: And I ain't saying five hundred, five hundreds.
Speaker 2: That spelled f I g H five hundred is h
Speaker 2: U n n it.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go back about five hundred years, okay, to
Speaker 1: when all of these things began, and the uprooting of
Speaker 1: people on the continent of Africa and bringing them here
Speaker 1: for capitalists gain or capital gain, and splitting families up.
Speaker 1: The destruction of the black family is at the nucleus
Speaker 1: of the breakdown of relationships between black men and black
Speaker 1: women period.
Speaker 2: Period. Po why do we both do that at the
Speaker 2: same time? Somebody called that.
Speaker 1: A comedian called that snatching in your dreams. Black one
Speaker 1: will snatch your dreams out the air. We did it
Speaker 1: at the same time. And that's on period.
Speaker 2: Like at the end of the day. And as they say,
Speaker 2: fight me, who gonna who want? Who won't check me?
Speaker 1: Who won't check you do?
Speaker 2: It's nothing you can say.
Speaker 1: The breakdown of communication, of love, of understanding ooh, the
Speaker 1: breakdown of understanding one another comes from the demise, the
Speaker 1: destruction and the breakdown of our family.
Speaker 3: Offer the reluctance to engage. The fear of investing, you know, right,
Speaker 3: comes from the fear of having it snatched away from you.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean, If I don't invest in it,
Speaker 3: it won't hurt as much when it's ripped from my grasp.
Speaker 3: In our genetic memory, a certain amount of fear, fear
Speaker 3: of investing, and really feeling for, you know, engaging in
Speaker 3: love for our family, for the people nearest. That's because
Speaker 3: at any moment, you know, wake up and they be
Speaker 3: ripped away.
Speaker 2: And guess what, we still have to deal with it today.
Speaker 2: All you got to do is turn on the TV.
Speaker 1: Because the police could shoot the man that you love,
Speaker 1: the man that you gave birth to, the man that
Speaker 1: you taught how to play basketball, whatever that looks like,
Speaker 1: the man that helped you bring a life into this world,
Speaker 1: could shoot him in his back seven or eight times,
Speaker 1: like it's still happening. At any given time. Our men
Speaker 1: can be snatched away from us still, or at any.
Speaker 2: Given time we can be snatched away from them because
Speaker 2: we ain't exempt they killing us too. Justice for Breonna Taylor.
Speaker 1: They still ain't locked them bastards up that shot that
Speaker 1: girl in her sleep, in her bed, in her house.
Speaker 2: So I mean like that, we're still.
Speaker 1: Being hunted for different purposes now, but we're still being
Speaker 1: hunted and at any You know, this was not on
Speaker 1: the lost recording because we didn't even get here, but
Speaker 1: I get that, and you know, that's something that I
Speaker 1: have thought about as well beyond and that is painful
Speaker 1: and that makes me sad.
Speaker 2: It makes me really sad.
Speaker 3: Something you did mention in the Lost Recorders is talking
Speaker 3: about we were sort of dealing with the well why
Speaker 3: you said, well, why is it? The fear of the vulnerability?
Speaker 3: Like why are they so scared? And that speaks to
Speaker 3: that for me. I'm very very much one of the
Speaker 3: belief that your soul remembers, your your DNA remembers even
Speaker 3: if you don't have it in your conscious awareness, you
Speaker 3: don't have access to it, like the memory is there,
Speaker 3: you know what I mean. So a lot of our
Speaker 3: men do function from a place of just fear of investment,
Speaker 3: you know, in general, and howso fear of not being
Speaker 3: able to live up to you know what I mean,
Speaker 3: the expectations of heaving home.
Speaker 1: I talk about this all the time. They were snatched
Speaker 1: away and women had to band together. And you can
Speaker 1: even see that now, Like you said, it's in your DNA,
Speaker 1: it's in our DNA and our structural DNA. Those things
Speaker 1: live on that whole like strong black independent woman that
Speaker 1: didn't just that wasn't just born out of us getting jobs.
Speaker 2: That came from us not having a choice. Yes, he
Speaker 2: didn't have a choice.
Speaker 1: Now we have options, right, but there was a time
Speaker 1: where we didn't have a choice. We had to be
Speaker 1: strong black independent women because there was no man around.
Speaker 1: Because somebody slave owner, some slave, I don't want to
Speaker 1: call him a master, some owner of human capital decided
Speaker 1: they were going to take our fathers and our brothers
Speaker 1: and our uncles and our sons away, and we as
Speaker 1: women had to band together and say, look, sis, we're
Speaker 1: gonna have to get this shit together.
Speaker 2: We were CMB. We all we got.
Speaker 1: You don't know what movie that's from, you know, get
Speaker 1: your life, but we all we got, so we're gonna
Speaker 1: figure this out.
Speaker 2: That is the birth of the strong Black women. Don't
Speaker 2: be mad at us because we are.
Speaker 3: Such Absolutely we're talking about these are the things that
Speaker 3: are being called to the mat in this current shift.
Speaker 3: Is the ideals such as that the strong black woman,
Speaker 3: the absent black men and people. We really are getting
Speaker 3: to a place now where we're realizing that the context
Speaker 3: has changed completely and we're still function like you know
Speaker 3: what I mean, Like we realizing that, like why are
Speaker 3: we acting like it?
Speaker 2: Come on, come on, get your tabourine. We need tambourine.
Speaker 2: We need tambourines.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was getting ready say why we need tambourines.
Speaker 1: Because see, Beyonca grew up she was a tour baby.
Speaker 1: Her mother was was a gospel singer, and I grew
Speaker 1: up in the Holy Church. In high school. In high school,
Speaker 1: I was in a colder church. And as a small child,
Speaker 1: my godmother took me to a church child. The name
Speaker 1: of the church was Revival Mission in the Holy Ghost.
Speaker 2: Station Baptist Church. Okay, let me exca you something to you.
Speaker 2: Let me tell you what we did that.
Speaker 1: Revival Mission and the Holy Ghost Station Baptist Church. Okay,
Speaker 1: made my godmother resident power, Sadie Bradley.
Speaker 2: Okay, Sadie made Bradley. We would be at church all
Speaker 2: day and all night. They let me tell you what
Speaker 2: kind of church that was.
Speaker 1: That was the kind of church where they played warushboards
Speaker 1: with bent up hangers I know about going to church, Okay,
Speaker 1: I know about getting pinched on the backside of your arm.
Speaker 2: Because you can't keep still. But you've been there for
Speaker 2: six hours, so you're gonna pinch I've been there. I'm six.
Speaker 3: Like old.
Speaker 1: More than likely I had attention deficit hyperactive disorder.
Speaker 2: Okay, and you're gonna.
Speaker 1: Pinch me because we've been here for six hours. Let
Speaker 1: me explain something to you. So that's why we need tambourines.
Speaker 2: I digress.
Speaker 1: That's why we need these tambourines. That's what we were saying.
Speaker 1: We operating from a place of slavery, mental slavery. Wait
Speaker 1: a minute, stop emotional slavery.
Speaker 3: Waittea that.
Speaker 2: Emotional slavery. We are bound.
Speaker 1: We are bound and at no fault of our own.
Speaker 1: Because the truth of the matter is, how do we
Speaker 1: correct this. I'm gonna tell you how we correct it.
Speaker 1: We got to go straight to the wound. You got
Speaker 1: to go straight to the hall. Like there's a nucleus.
Speaker 1: The wound is a thing at the nucleus, at the
Speaker 1: very center of this wound.
Speaker 2: That is where we need to go. And it is
Speaker 2: an ugly place.
Speaker 1: It stinks, it's an open, nasty funky, nasty abscess of
Speaker 1: a wound. But we gotta go there if we're gonna
Speaker 1: heal it. And the unfortunate part is that people don't
Speaker 1: want to go there.
Speaker 3: I don't think we know how, you know, like looking
Speaker 3: at couple's therapy for example, No, just literally just people therapy,
Speaker 3: like people two people who have been in something and
Speaker 3: their relationship has taken a turn for whatever reason, and
Speaker 3: then they end up in couple's therapy, no matter how
Speaker 3: much they know the truth to be true about how
Speaker 3: much they contributed to the downfall of this matter, like
Speaker 3: what what areas they fell short? It could have done wrong.
Speaker 3: It's something about staying that shit out loud in real time,
Speaker 3: letting it out into the air. It's something. It's a
Speaker 3: vulnerable place admitting fault, admitting and inadequacy of any sort,
Speaker 3: admitting your blind spots. And I think it's even more
Speaker 3: difficult to admit when when when you were acting with
Speaker 3: best intentions, when you believed it were doing good. You
Speaker 3: know what I mean? You know to say, I think
Speaker 3: that's where we come to a screeching hall. Every time
Speaker 3: black men and black women make the attempt to try to,
Speaker 3: you know, hash this thing out when we start getting
Speaker 3: into having to really really pick apart the points that
Speaker 3: make up the timeline of us, you know what I mean,
Speaker 3: and the ways we've been sort of derailed and thrown
Speaker 3: off and pulled the bat like. It's it's difficult to
Speaker 3: pull like name each one of those things. Take owners like,
Speaker 3: take ownership for them without feeling humiliated and far in
Speaker 3: front of one another. The person, the person. I value you,
Speaker 3: black man, it's your opinion I value most about anything
Speaker 3: while we exist here on this planet. Either y'all hold
Speaker 3: you in the high God. It's difficult for me to
Speaker 3: sit still and here. You tell me you don't feel
Speaker 3: like I was there for you didn't feel safe with me.
Speaker 3: You didn't feel like you could tell me your stuff.
Speaker 3: I didn't feel like you.
Speaker 1: Women.
Speaker 2: Go ahead, no, no, no, go ahead, say that.
Speaker 3: I don't want you to lose your train of thought.
Speaker 2: What you got to say? That's how.
Speaker 1: That's how you know somebody loves you for who you
Speaker 1: are because she knows that I will lose this.
Speaker 2: Damn train of thought. I will. But I was gonna
Speaker 2: say and and vice versa, for.
Speaker 1: I could only imagine the burden that black men carry,
Speaker 1: knowing that there's a stigma around their entire existence, that
Speaker 1: they are not good fathers, that they are not good men,
Speaker 1: that they are not they don't show up for the
Speaker 1: their their women, that they are, they don't protect us.
Speaker 1: I can't imagine how it makes them feel, especially the
Speaker 1: men who do show up for us, the men who
Speaker 1: who who are willing to stand in the gap for
Speaker 1: black women. It has to hurt them in like a
Speaker 1: dark place to hear those things being said. Even though
Speaker 1: it's uncomfortable to be vulnerable with one another, and in
Speaker 1: those spaces like therapy or even in bed at night,
Speaker 1: or at the dinner table, or in the car or wherever,
Speaker 1: it's hard to be vulnerable in those spaces. But when
Speaker 1: we are not vulnerable in those spaces with the people
Speaker 1: that we say we love the most and the people
Speaker 1: that we say we cherish the most, then are we
Speaker 1: operating from a place of emotional ego? Because I have
Speaker 1: to take my ego and set it to the side
Speaker 1: if I want to try to make this work with you,
Speaker 1: Because I can't operate from a place that goes back
Speaker 1: to that place of meanness and that place of selfness
Speaker 1: and that place of eydness. I have to move beyond that,
Speaker 1: because if I don't, we won't get to the root,
Speaker 1: and at the root is the first point of healing.
Speaker 3: I agree. But in order to be able to set
Speaker 3: aside the ego, in order to engage in those conversations,
Speaker 3: there has to be sort of the element of culture safety.
Speaker 3: You have to have seen examples from one another, you know,
Speaker 3: you have to feel safe, and I feel like I
Speaker 3: had to not feel like I know. I had that
Speaker 3: conversation recently with somebody that I used to deal with,
Speaker 3: you know, for many years, like where he we're lon
Speaker 3: not messed with each other at this point, but we're good,
Speaker 3: good friends, And to have him tell me, you know,
Speaker 3: I never felt like I could come to you and
Speaker 3: talking about X y Z because I don't feel for
Speaker 3: as much as you think that you're a safe space
Speaker 3: and you think you created an atmosphere of but I
Speaker 3: always felt like I would disappoint you. I felt like
Speaker 3: you'd be upset with me. I felt I never felt.
Speaker 2: Like I could bring you my heart, and that's gotta
Speaker 2: hurt you, right exactly. And I was just like like, well.
Speaker 3: Damn, because you could not tell me I'm not space right,
Speaker 3: what you talking about? Exactly, And in that moment, I'm
Speaker 3: extremely defensive everything in me. Rory that because you now
Speaker 3: you're challenging what I what I believe is my identity.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean that the picture I've painted
Speaker 3: of myself? You know what I mean that I am
Speaker 3: this wait.
Speaker 2: Warm and say, I mean the picture that has one
Speaker 2: of your I.
Speaker 3: Have painted myself.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's but that.
Speaker 1: That is operating from that space of emotional ego, because
Speaker 1: in my mind, this is what I have created. This
Speaker 1: is the mask that I wear for the world and
Speaker 1: on in this mask I Bianca am loving and warm,
Speaker 1: and I create a space, a safe space of openness
Speaker 1: for people to be free to be themselves.
Speaker 2: But this man is saying, I know you didn't sist.
Speaker 2: I didn't feel it telling you, but let you finish.
Speaker 3: But that's not you know what I got for you?
Speaker 3: You know and what you know? And in that moment,
Speaker 3: I had a decision to make, you know, either defend myself,
Speaker 3: defend my identity so that I could be comfortable you know, yes,
Speaker 3: because I did. How can how you gonna tell me?
Speaker 3: Or because we're doing this work now, we're talking about
Speaker 3: shifting into something that we're not operating from a space.
Speaker 2: Of you know what I mean emotional ideas like.
Speaker 3: If we're wanting to make this, make it together and
Speaker 3: resolve things, not so that him and I can move
Speaker 3: forward together because we've longed part of ways. But it's
Speaker 3: my duty to help him recover, you know, from moments
Speaker 3: where I have made him disempowered, you know, disempowered him,
Speaker 3: made him feel it's my job to if I can
Speaker 3: now fixed or help him move toward being able to
Speaker 3: heal a wound so that now he can move forward
Speaker 3: and be good to one of our assistants so that
Speaker 3: he's not And I say this one of my cuanator
Speaker 3: other day, that people have the habit of not not
Speaker 3: resolving things in their situations and moving forward and then
Speaker 3: trying to retroactively recover power from them for themselves from past.
Speaker 2: Herds say that one more time in the.
Speaker 3: Back retroactively address moments and occurrences in the past where
Speaker 3: they felt disempowered and they're in other relationships. Rather than
Speaker 3: dealing with the person the incident that cast that wound,
Speaker 3: they just try to move forward. And what they do
Speaker 3: is create a you know where they're over vigilant, over
Speaker 3: protective of themselves overreacting to everything, and now they've become
Speaker 3: the very person.
Speaker 2: That they were talking that they were and that they
Speaker 2: ran away from.
Speaker 1: Right. We all know what happens when you suppress things.
Speaker 1: So when you suppress things, you know there's pressure, you
Speaker 1: put pressure on it, you push it down, you put
Speaker 1: pressure on it, you push it down, push it down,
Speaker 1: push it down, and then eventually it's gonna blow up.
Speaker 1: It's gonna blow up, and who knows what's gonna happen
Speaker 1: when it.
Speaker 2: Blows up.
Speaker 1: I do want to make sure that something that we
Speaker 1: touched on. We went a little bit to church on
Speaker 1: the Loss recordings. We were talking about when men say
Speaker 1: when they get to that place. We were talking about
Speaker 1: commitment and when they say that they are not ready
Speaker 1: to commit it. And Bianca said something that was so
Speaker 1: powerful and amazing, and I'm gonna have her say it again.
Speaker 1: Tell me about the lasagna.
Speaker 3: Yeah. See, I can't take credit for that, but hit me.
Speaker 1: You see, you know, this is why the Internet is good,
Speaker 1: because you see things and you think to yourself, whoever
Speaker 1: said this is a genius, And I personally would like
Speaker 1: to thank them from the bottom of my heart because
Speaker 1: it struck a nerve in. Me's gonna tell you what
Speaker 1: this thing said.
Speaker 3: Okay, many of you, I'm sure have seen it and
Speaker 3: said when the man says he's not ready to be
Speaker 3: in a relationship that with you, it's silent like the
Speaker 3: GM Lasania.
Speaker 2: This sister do un said, come on now that I'm
Speaker 2: not ready whatever it is.
Speaker 1: I'm not ready to have a child. I'm not ready
Speaker 1: to get married. I'm not ready to move in with you.
Speaker 1: I'm not ready to take a bath with you. I'm
Speaker 1: not ready to be engaged to you. I'm not ready
Speaker 1: to go out in the daytime with you because you're.
Speaker 3: I'm not ready to call it's a relationship, even though
Speaker 3: we spend twenty four hours days and seven days a
Speaker 3: week together and I live in your house and I
Speaker 3: faith fields here. My name is on Steven, your name
Speaker 3: is on my step. Well, we got to call this something, Oh, I'm.
Speaker 1: Because the truth is and the reason that we got
Speaker 1: to this conversation and the loss recordings is because we
Speaker 1: were talking about how we will be in a situationship, right,
Speaker 1: because that's what the people are called. And entanglement, dare
Speaker 1: I say, get entangled? Come on in the upper room,
Speaker 1: Come on in the upper room and get entangled. For God,
Speaker 1: do you understand me? So you cut yourself in a situation, right,
Speaker 1: and so you in the situation. And I can only speak,
Speaker 1: and can only speak from a black woman's perspective because
Speaker 1: that's who we are. But I know I have been
Speaker 1: in a situation where I wanted a black man to
Speaker 1: love me so bad. God have mercy that I was
Speaker 1: willing to jeopardize and sacrifice and put everything on the
Speaker 1: line in hopes that maybe there was a time and
Speaker 1: say something this just happened. I'm willing to put everything
Speaker 1: on the line because I want this man to love
Speaker 1: me so bad. I want him to love me that
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna excuse all of the things that are
Speaker 1: important to me because I want him to love me.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna provide a space of relationship for him. He
Speaker 1: ain't really doing it for me, but I'm gonna provide
Speaker 1: a space of relationship with him. So I'm gonna treat
Speaker 1: him like he my man, because if I treat him
Speaker 1: like he my man, he might feel like he my man,
Speaker 1: and then we might be together because he might say,
Speaker 1: oh my.
Speaker 2: He gonna be like, oh my God, I want to
Speaker 2: be with her because she treats me so good. No, Sis,
Speaker 2: that ain't how it worked. So you in a situation
Speaker 2: where you are creating a space for a man, where
Speaker 2: you are treating him like he is your boyfriend, like
Speaker 2: he is your husband, like he is your long term whatever.
Speaker 2: But he ain't really doing that for you.
Speaker 1: And he's telling you, and he has told you, come
Speaker 1: on beyond because we can really catch the Holy ghost
Speaker 1: because we don't have this conversation. We both have been
Speaker 1: in situations where we kind of like have put a
Speaker 1: whole lot on the line.
Speaker 2: But you know, brothers told us like we you ain't ready.
Speaker 3: You really want me there? You know I'm down here,
Speaker 3: but I ain't here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they want that, Like we don't really want that.
Speaker 2: And see, here's the thing.
Speaker 1: So many times, and maybe this happens with men too,
Speaker 1: But you sacrifice so much yourself, or you sacrifice things,
Speaker 1: or you know, you overlook things them bread, flags and
Speaker 1: flags for a reason. You do all those things in
Speaker 1: hopes of you dating the potential you are dating. Who
Speaker 1: you want this person to be, or who you have dreams,
Speaker 1: aspirations and the imagination that this person could one day
Speaker 1: be if they flush out or if everything works out.
Speaker 1: But the truth of the matter is most of the
Speaker 1: time they don't flush out, and once they do flesh out,
Speaker 1: they don't want to be with you.
Speaker 3: I find that a lot of them don't value nothing
Speaker 3: they can have come up. Their sense herself is so
Speaker 3: fucked up. It's just like if she wants me, and
Speaker 3: I only even think it's something they have awareness, it's
Speaker 3: very much a devaluing of you because they can have you.
Speaker 3: You know what I mean? Why she I don't trust
Speaker 3: the person that would want me the way I am,
Speaker 3: the way I'm showing up in this moment and she
Speaker 3: wants me to wrong with her? All come on, and.
Speaker 1: That's gonna We're gonna keep that because that that right?
Speaker 1: That was a word a word on high Okay, Like
Speaker 1: if we I said, this is the last show. If
Speaker 1: we are socially conditioned to not honor, value, and cherish ourselves,
Speaker 1: why would I honor, value, and cherish you and to
Speaker 1: add some paper rica on top of that, Yeah, some
Speaker 1: paper on top of that if in turn you do value, cherish,
Speaker 1: honor and love me, I can't value honor and cherish
Speaker 1: and love you because I don't value and honor and
Speaker 1: cherish me, So why I don't trust you.
Speaker 3: I don't trust you me showing up I know behind
Speaker 3: that message. I know how I'm showing up here and
Speaker 3: you and you groveling for me.
Speaker 2: And you want this. Yeah, what kind of fool is you?
Speaker 1: But that's because black women are the queens of seeing
Speaker 1: through a black man's trouble. Like we will see some
Speaker 1: goodness in him, and we will come home appreciate to yourself.
Speaker 1: We will see the goodness in him, and we will
Speaker 1: say to ourselves, you know what, he ain't right right now.
Speaker 1: But once I just put all this love on him.
Speaker 1: And I don't even mean physically hold on hot butts.
Speaker 1: I'm saying, once I love him and nurture him and
Speaker 1: nurse him back to health or to health, he gonna
Speaker 1: be okay, and then he gonna want me, and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna want him, and we gonna skip off into the
Speaker 1: African Saharan sunset. Nope, sense, because now that you done
Speaker 1: done nurture them and nurse them, he don't want your
Speaker 1: dust ass.
Speaker 3: Now you don't want it. And that's for a number
Speaker 3: of reasons in my experience, in my theory. Number one
Speaker 3: that resent you for doing it. No man, like like
Speaker 3: we talked about in that dynamic, yeah, where no one
Speaker 3: wants to be there naked, inadequate week before the person
Speaker 3: that they they want you, they want to be held
Speaker 3: in the highest esteem with you. Now, did you've seen
Speaker 3: him in all of his mess and his scat At
Speaker 3: this point, I resent you for you.
Speaker 1: Know, for.
Speaker 3: Come on, not me, because toddling illustrates a certain amount
Speaker 3: of you don't trust me, you don't believe, you don't
Speaker 3: believe I can get myself up on my own two feet.
Speaker 3: There's a certain amount of let me do it for you,
Speaker 3: Let me do it for you, don't man one, you
Speaker 3: know what I mean? Give me toddled and nurtured. Well,
Speaker 3: we think, we think we're doing this wonderful thing, and
Speaker 3: he's you're.
Speaker 2: Doing a good thing. We think you are doing a
Speaker 2: good thing.
Speaker 1: We think we are doing the things that our mothers
Speaker 1: and our mother's mother's and our mother's mother's mother his
Speaker 1: mothers told us that we are supposed to do, when in.
Speaker 2: Reality, that black man don't want that. He want to
Speaker 2: pull his own self up.
Speaker 3: And he wants you to get him to do it.
Speaker 1: That's what listen, that's let a word right there, s
Speaker 1: p A C E space, but let him tell you something.
Speaker 1: Even when you do that, sometimes though, they still don't
Speaker 1: want your dusty althose.
Speaker 2: I'm not ready, it was. I'm not ready to commit
Speaker 2: in that way to you.
Speaker 3: I'm not ready. I'm not willing.
Speaker 2: Ooh, and men, you too. I'm sure some of y'all
Speaker 2: do it.
Speaker 1: Y'all be taking care of these ladies, with all these kids,
Speaker 1: y'all be being with them and all these things and
Speaker 1: paying all their bills.
Speaker 2: And doing all of these things. And she out here
Speaker 2: treating you like a piece of old, chewed up bubble gum. Stop.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna tell y'all to stop to it ain't right.
Speaker 3: I agree, excuse. We want to make sure that we're
Speaker 3: having a balanced conversation, like you said, were not about
Speaker 3: mail bashing. We not want to see us all I'll
Speaker 3: be having with more another one honesty, leading with more honesty,
Speaker 3: and having more integrity and the way the ways we
Speaker 3: engage each other because we tend to hit your bets
Speaker 3: and operating a way of just making sure that I'm safe, uncomfortable.
Speaker 3: Mine needs are met for how whatever long I need
Speaker 3: them to be until I moved toward what I actually
Speaker 3: want what until I.
Speaker 1: Decide on what I actually wanted, once again operating from
Speaker 1: a place of emotional ego. So, guys, I want to
Speaker 1: thank Bianca for sharing her time with me, for giving me,
Speaker 1: uh two rounds. Okay, two rounds. That's an inside joke,
Speaker 1: not one, but two rounds.
Speaker 2: Okay. We did that, yeah, because the first time it
Speaker 2: ain't quite it wasn't for show.
Speaker 1: Okay, we were just talking. But this time, for you guys,
Speaker 1: we did it again. I hope you guys enjoyed the conversation.
Speaker 1: I hope you guys got something out of the conversation.
Speaker 1: And I did this thing last week where I posted
Speaker 1: oppose the question and on my Instagram, and you know,
Speaker 1: the title or the lead on the on the post
Speaker 1: was let me ask y'all something. So I'm gonna do
Speaker 1: that again and it will be in relation to the
Speaker 1: conversation that we had, and I will ask you guys
Speaker 1: a question and I want us to talk about it,
Speaker 1: and so I want you guys to look look for that.
Speaker 1: I want to thank Bianca, like I said, for joining
Speaker 1: us today. It was a beautiful conversation. It was a
Speaker 1: great follow up from part one of this conversation about
Speaker 1: the culture of dating in the black community and about
Speaker 1: love and about how that looks. You know, I really
Speaker 1: appreciate her. I appreciate her for being vulnerable. I appreciate
Speaker 1: her for her time because she did not have to
Speaker 1: do this we're trying.
Speaker 3: It was my privilege.
Speaker 1: It was actually fun for me. I enjoyed it, So
Speaker 1: I appreciate it. And it was a different kind of perspective,
Speaker 1: you know. And and here with my podcast, I'm trying
Speaker 1: to normalize conversations that people are very uncomfortable with having,
Speaker 1: or they have in private, you know, just so that
Speaker 1: people know that it's okay to have ugly conversations, because
Speaker 1: that's the only way to heal.
Speaker 3: It's only wrong in public. Also, I think that that's
Speaker 3: another thing that we need to offer each other space for.
Speaker 3: We live in a cancel culture. My God lovingly correct
Speaker 3: one another, lovingly USh or one another to you know,
Speaker 3: right thinking if we feel like they're wrong. So people
Speaker 3: shouldn't be shamed out of expressing how they feel what
Speaker 3: they believe in real time. So I do appreciate you
Speaker 3: creating spaces for like you said, that more uncomfortable, unsavory,
Speaker 3: difficult conversations.
Speaker 2: Because it's okay to talk about it.
Speaker 1: Like I think for so long our elders have told
Speaker 1: us it's not okay to talk about certain things. It
Speaker 1: is okay to talk about those things because that is
Speaker 1: the only way that we are going to get better.
Speaker 1: And my thing is all about I want to heal
Speaker 1: my community. However that looks, that is really the legacy
Speaker 1: that I want to leave. I want you to heal
Speaker 1: my community. I'm figuring it out as I go along.
Speaker 1: So if this medium is a is a force and
Speaker 1: a means for me to do that, so be it.
Speaker 1: And I don't mind starting having ugly conversations and saying
Speaker 1: things that people may not want to hear, especially from
Speaker 1: a black woman.
Speaker 2: So I love you, sis, I appreciate you.
Speaker 3: I love you. This is wonderful.
Speaker 2: Hopefully we will find you guys today by the end of.
Speaker 3: The yearn Darnella came in. We're gonna double.
Speaker 2: Oh, we will go on to double day. Will you
Speaker 2: go to the Lord of the Rings convention with me?
Speaker 3: Let's do it?
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, all right, you guys, say bye to say
Speaker 2: bye to my friends and.
Speaker 3: My cane people and.
Speaker 1: My cousin who I'm here and I'm in her bedroom recording.
Speaker 1: She put her girl up and wave, she said, she
Speaker 1: said bye. So let's go ahead and just get into
Speaker 1: this because this question today for straightfas people is off
Speaker 1: the richter. Okay, let's just go ahead and get into it.
Speaker 1: So Kelly from Philadelphia says, I have been with my
Speaker 1: man for three years. We have a healthy relationship, lots
Speaker 1: of open communication, and we thoroughly enjoy each other's company.
Speaker 1: We've maybe argued twice lately, though, I have found myself
Speaker 1: attracted to women.
Speaker 2: Child.
Speaker 1: It started when this woman at my gym started hitting
Speaker 1: on me. I made it clear I have a whole
Speaker 1: man at home, like a whole man, not a half
Speaker 1: of man. So just got a whole man. Do you
Speaker 1: understand me? He in three fourths of a man. He
Speaker 1: is an entire whole man.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: And she backed off, But we became friends and workout partners.
Speaker 1: One day we went for smoothies after a workout. We
Speaker 1: talked for hours and ended up making out in my car. John, Kelly,
Speaker 1: you are off the chains.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: I find myself fantasizing about her all the time. I've
Speaker 1: been avoiding her because again, I have a whole man
Speaker 1: that I adore However, I do want to take it
Speaker 1: a little further with homegirl.
Speaker 2: Should I.
Speaker 1: Tell my man that I'm attracted to women? Kiss the
Speaker 1: girl liked it and would like to see what it do,
Speaker 1: or act like none of this shit happened. Listen, Kelly,
Speaker 1: I come from two places or two perspectives with this one.
Speaker 2: If you know for sure.
Speaker 1: This is not going to go anywhere and you can
Speaker 1: stop right here, it can be a hard stop, like
Speaker 1: all right, I gotta leave this alone because this is
Speaker 1: troublesome and I love you said yourself, you got a
Speaker 1: whole man at home, and if you listen to this show, Kelly,
Speaker 1: you'll understand the struggles of being single, okay, and also
Speaker 1: friends again. It sounds like Kelly is about to enter
Speaker 1: into that new monogamy, enter into that space of emotional ego,
Speaker 1: you know where that sense of selfness and meanness. But
Speaker 1: if you know you can stop this and like, never
Speaker 1: do this ever again, then I would say take it
Speaker 1: to the grave, just bury it, take it to the grave,
Speaker 1: don't do it no more ever ever. And if you
Speaker 1: see Sis again, let her know, like you know, it
Speaker 1: was fun, you know, you know I kind of got
Speaker 1: feelings for you, but I got a man at home
Speaker 1: and I love him, I adore him, and I don't
Speaker 1: want to do him dirty. However, if you know you
Speaker 1: don't have a lot of self control, okay, I would
Speaker 1: go ahead and say you need to tell you man,
Speaker 1: because the way you look at it is if he
Speaker 1: was going to the gym and he started working out
Speaker 1: with somebody, and it could be a man or a woman.
Speaker 1: But because you're here's the same sex. Let's make his
Speaker 1: same sex. Let's let's make it hot. Let's put the
Speaker 1: dope on the table.
Speaker 2: Says.
Speaker 1: Let's say you dude was going to the gym and
Speaker 1: he was working out, and he started working out with
Speaker 1: this guy, and he started to have these feelings for
Speaker 1: this guy that he had never felt for a man before.
Speaker 1: And they made out in the car and he started
Speaker 1: having feelings for him, and he decided, you know, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna see what this do. I'm gonna see what to do.
Speaker 1: In your words, Kelly, what would you want to happen?
Speaker 1: Of course, you wouldn't want him to do it in
Speaker 1: the first place, But would you want him to tell
Speaker 1: you if he planned on continuing this or he really
Speaker 1: wanted to pursue it, or see where it went, or
Speaker 1: would you not want him to tell you if he
Speaker 1: was going to be able to like make a hard stop.
Speaker 2: Were not doing this no more? Ever, again, I got
Speaker 2: a whole woman at home. I don't want to do this.
Speaker 2: So in this situation, I can't really tell you what
Speaker 2: to do. I can tell you what I would do.
Speaker 1: I would do the hard stop like I wouldn't like
Speaker 1: whether it was a man or a woman, or whoever
Speaker 1: it was. If I did something where I stepped outside
Speaker 1: of my relationship, I would have to pump them brakes.
Speaker 1: And I'm not pumping the brakes. I'm hitting the brakes.
Speaker 1: I'm not sliding on the dime. I'm gonna stop on
Speaker 1: a nickel. I gotta stop because my relationship hopefully would
Speaker 1: be more would mean excuse me, more to me than
Speaker 1: you know, a little bit of fun. If I know
Speaker 1: that I don't have that willpower, that that controller. If
Speaker 1: this person just does something to me and just makes
Speaker 1: me feel hot all over my skin, then I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to tell my dude. I'm gonna have to tell them.
Speaker 1: But I think that just knowing who I am, I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna stop. I'm gonna stop, and I'm gonna be like, look,
Speaker 1: you gotta stay away from me. I gotta stay away
Speaker 1: from you. I would go so far as to switch
Speaker 1: gems if I had to to avoid it, because I
Speaker 1: don't want to really do that, you know, because when
Speaker 1: I think about it happening to me, like it would
Speaker 1: infuriate me and make me live in and make me
Speaker 1: want to hurt somebody, So why even do that?
Speaker 2: So that's what I would say, Kelly, this is a
Speaker 2: hum danger. But you know, you had a little bit
Speaker 2: of fun. If you can stop. Stop. If you can't,
Speaker 2: you kind of got to talk to your man about it.
Speaker 2: You really do.
Speaker 1: And the only thing about talking to your man about it, though,
Speaker 1: is that that opens up a can of worms. Man,
Speaker 1: it does, because I come from the train of thought
Speaker 1: that I'm not a cheater.
Speaker 2: It's just it's not what I really do.
Speaker 1: However, you know, if I'm in a relationship, you know,
Speaker 1: and you cheat on me, like you open up the
Speaker 1: floodgates for you know, anything to happen.
Speaker 2: Anything is possible.
Speaker 1: So if you don't want me to ever cheat on you,
Speaker 1: I really suggest that you have some self control because
Speaker 1: you don't want me to turn that on. And I
Speaker 1: don't want to turn it on. I would just want
Speaker 1: to be with you. You know, I really want to
Speaker 1: try to just be with you and only you. If
Speaker 1: you really don't want me to do that, then I
Speaker 1: suggest that you have some respect for our relationships. So, Kelly,
Speaker 1: good luck. I'm gonna want to follow up the same
Speaker 1: way I had to follow up a few months ago
Speaker 1: with Miss Levo uh from Las Vegas. Y'all remember miss
Speaker 1: Levo miss LeVaux was getting her whole freaking amids the
Speaker 1: COVID right with the neighbor, Kelly, I'm gonna need a
Speaker 1: follow up. So I'm gonna email you because I'm gonna
Speaker 1: need to follow up. I'm gonna wait a little while,
Speaker 1: but I'm gonna need to follow up either next episode
Speaker 1: or like in a couple episodes, because I want to
Speaker 1: know what you did. Okay, So y'all just be prepared
Speaker 1: for me to get some more information from Kelly because
Speaker 1: I want to know what she decided to do. So,
Speaker 1: friends and Ken, I'm gonna go straight to it. This
Speaker 1: poet has been featured before during Hour We Gotta Do
Speaker 1: Better segment, and I love her work. I've said it before.
Speaker 1: It's no secret I own both of her books. I
Speaker 1: think a new book is coming out. I'm gonna check
Speaker 1: it out. I'm gonna do some research because i haven't
Speaker 1: really been focused on it. But I've said it before,
Speaker 1: so let me just get to the dough. This is
Speaker 1: a perfectly selected quote for this episode and the conversation
Speaker 1: that I had with Bianca, and I kind of want
Speaker 1: to pat myself on the back and go get myself
Speaker 1: a treat for this, So let's just get into it.
Speaker 1: Someone can be madly in love with you and still
Speaker 1: not be ready. They can love you in a way
Speaker 1: you have never been loved and still not join you
Speaker 1: on the bridge, and whatever their reasons, you must leave
Speaker 1: because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet
Speaker 1: you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince
Speaker 1: someone to do the work to be ready. There is
Speaker 1: more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen
Speaker 1: out here in this wide and wild universe. And there
Speaker 1: is the love that will be ready. Now you're Awaid
Speaker 1: is a bad Mamma, jamma. If you are a fan
Speaker 1: of poetry and prose, you gotta get into her stuff.
Speaker 1: You've got to own both of her books, and when
Speaker 1: the next one comes out, I'm definitely buying it. Matter
Speaker 1: of fact, let me get off of here and go
Speaker 1: see if it's out already. And if you know if
Speaker 1: it's out already, send me a DM or something. Let
Speaker 1: us just to know if you got the inside track,
Speaker 1: friends and ken. I want to say thank you first
Speaker 1: of all to God, of course, because that's how we
Speaker 1: get down here and hand me my purse. I also
Speaker 1: want to say thank you to my guest Bianca B
Speaker 1: Jamil B whatever you want to call her. I'm a
Speaker 1: caller sis, I'm a caller friend. I'm a caller homegirl.
Speaker 2: That's my boo.
Speaker 1: I want to thank her for taking time out of
Speaker 1: her busy day to be in space and share energy
Speaker 1: with me and have this conversation with me.
Speaker 2: I appreciate it.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna link like I said her Instagram in the
Speaker 1: show notes sook, because I implore you to go check
Speaker 1: her voice out.
Speaker 2: She has a beautiful voice.
Speaker 1: I also want to thank my family, my friends, my supporters,
Speaker 1: and of course you guys out there listening. I appreciate
Speaker 1: you so much more than you'll ever understand, and I
Speaker 1: can't wait until the next time we get to do
Speaker 1: this again. Don't forget that this is part two in
Speaker 1: a three and maybe four part series about the culture
Speaker 1: of dating in the black community. And so I want
Speaker 1: you to definitely check the third part out, which is
Speaker 1: the next episode that's coming out. And if you haven't
Speaker 1: listened to the first episode in the series, go back
Speaker 1: and listen to it. So it's episodes twelve, thirteen, and fourteen,
Speaker 1: and possibly fifteen. Now, before you exit out of whatever
Speaker 1: streaming service you are using to listen to this episode,
Speaker 1: I want you to stop for a second, go click
Speaker 1: subscribe or follow if it's possible, And then I want
Speaker 1: you to get on over to Instagram and follow me
Speaker 1: at hand Me My Purse Underscore Podcast.
Speaker 2: You can also follow me on Twitter at.
Speaker 1: HMMP Underscore podcast and on Facebook just search for hand
Speaker 1: Me My Purse podcast. And if you listen on Apple
Speaker 1: Podcasts or Stitcher or any other medium that allows you
Speaker 1: to do so, please rate and review the show. Another
Speaker 1: thing I want to you guys to do for me.
Speaker 1: Share the show with your friends. Share the show with
Speaker 1: people that you care about, Share the show with people
Speaker 1: that you think would enjoy it. Tele a friend to
Speaker 1: tell a friend, because real friends share their jewels with
Speaker 1: each other. And I love you for it show notes
Speaker 1: are available at hand mempurse dot buzzsprout dot com. And
Speaker 1: also the opening and closing music that you hear that
Speaker 1: so many of you have asked me about is provided
Speaker 1: by Gloomy Tunes. Here's the awesome thing about gloomy Tunes.
Speaker 1: Gloomy Tunes is actually comprised of a few students, really
Speaker 1: just two students that graduated from the school where I work,
Speaker 1: and I wanted to pay it forward, so I paid
Speaker 1: them to make me some beats, and I gotta say they.
Speaker 2: Hit the nail on the head.
Speaker 1: Please submit all of your questions for the straight facts
Speaker 1: segment and photos, stories or quotes from your aunties too.
Speaker 1: Hello at hand memipurse dot com, or feel free to
Speaker 1: send me a DM on Instagram. If you're interested in
Speaker 1: being included in any of the polls that I take
Speaker 1: or surveys that I take, send me an Instagram or
Speaker 1: a DM so that I can add you to our
Speaker 1: survey list.
Speaker 2: And just an fy just in case you forgot, you.
Speaker 1: Can expect a brand new episode of Hand Me My
Speaker 1: Purse the podcast on the first and fifteenth of every
Speaker 1: single month, so the same way you expected those checks
Speaker 1: on the first and the fifteenth early in the morning.
Speaker 1: You already know your girl is going to have you
Speaker 1: covered on those days again the first and fifteenth of
Speaker 1: every month on your podcast streaming services such as Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
Speaker 1: stitcher Ds are for my international friends and Ken and
Speaker 1: anywhere else you may even think that you can find it,
Speaker 1: or you can just go straight to my bus Sprout
Speaker 1: website and find it there.
Speaker 2: I look forward to you, looking forward to listening, and
Speaker 2: I'm out this bitch.