WEBVTT - Creating a Shared Vision for the Future 0:00:00.400 --> 0:00:04.359 Hi. I'm Elia Connie, host of The Family Therapy Podcast, 0:00:04.519 --> 0:00:08.560 a Black Effect original series where each week, real families 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:13.440 with real lives have real conversations. In celebration of BIPOC 0:00:13.600 --> 0:00:17.360 Mental Health Awareness Mound, we're inviting you to participate in 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:22.240 your own live session Join me live on Black Effects 0:00:22.400 --> 0:00:26.560 Instagram on Wednesday, July seventeenth. We're doing this event to 0:00:26.680 --> 0:00:31.040 highlight the importance of mental health within BIPOC communities and 0:00:31.120 --> 0:00:34.199 to provide a space where you can share your experiences 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:39.600 and receive guidance. Attendees can expect a safe and supportive 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:44.840 environment where we'll engage in open, honest conversations. Whether you're 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:49.400 facing personal challenges or seeking to strengthen family bonds, this 0:00:49.560 --> 0:00:53.239 event is for you. Please note participation is on a 0:00:53.320 --> 0:00:57.600 first come, first serve basis, so be sure to arrive 0:00:57.720 --> 0:01:01.880 early and engage respectfully. If you're interested in joining a 0:01:01.920 --> 0:01:05.800 guided conversation with me, send a direct message or DM 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:11.959 to The Black Effect and confirm your participation before we 0:01:12.040 --> 0:01:14.800 get into this episode. There has been a lot of 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:19.200 conversations around politics, given the recent debate and some of 0:01:19.240 --> 0:01:22.720 the Project twenty five stuff and some of the other 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:25.039 things going on in the world, and I want to 0:01:25.080 --> 0:01:28.360 talk about how does the climate of politics as we're 0:01:28.400 --> 0:01:31.960 currently experiencing it affect our mental health. I think it's 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:34.800 really important to acknowledge that some of the things going 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:40.080 on in the world create fear, anxiety, and depression. The 0:01:40.120 --> 0:01:43.840 way America is going and the way the Conservative Republicans 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:47.400 want to transition America and remove some of the rights 0:01:47.680 --> 0:01:51.280 that we have been fighting for for so long literally 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:55.880 creates anxiety amongst people of color, amongst women, and we 0:01:56.080 --> 0:01:58.360 fear that our rights are going to be taken away 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.720 from us. And it's not a it's a fear that 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:05.080 they're actually telling us they're going to do these things. 0:02:05.080 --> 0:02:07.920 So the most likely response is a response of fear 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:11.079 and anxiety. I think back to twenty twenty and the 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:13.840 very tumultuous year that it was, and not just with COVID, 0:02:14.000 --> 0:02:16.040 but with all of the things going on from a 0:02:16.040 --> 0:02:20.480 social justice perspective, and I think about George Floyd, and 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:23.840 I think about Amman Aubrey, and I think about the 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:27.560 Black Lives Matter movement and all of those things that 0:02:27.600 --> 0:02:32.559 are happening. And I'll never forget my mother experiencing anxiety, 0:02:32.600 --> 0:02:37.040 as my mother is the parent of three African American men, 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:41.560 and she actually worried that her three sons would die 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:44.280 at the hands of some sort of a riot or 0:02:44.320 --> 0:02:47.480 some sort of an encounter with police. I had never 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:51.160 seen that fear on my mother's face. I'd never heard 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:55.680 that fear in my mother's voice until the administration that 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:59.360 was in place at the time was rolling back certain 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:02.760 protection and certain things related to civil rights and social 0:03:02.919 --> 0:03:06.840 justice that was causing it upheaval in society. That literally 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:09.560 caused her to fear losing one of her children in 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:14.040 that environment. So now we have the same politicians that 0:03:14.080 --> 0:03:19.120 were fighting for the White House at that time doing 0:03:19.160 --> 0:03:21.640 it again, and there is a fear and an anxiety 0:03:22.120 --> 0:03:26.040 if the former President Trump becomes a president again, we're 0:03:26.040 --> 0:03:29.440 going to go back to that level of roll back again. 0:03:29.480 --> 0:03:32.799 He's told us overtly this is going to happen. There's 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:34.360 a fear that we're going to go back to that 0:03:34.480 --> 0:03:38.840 level of upheaval, and people of color are not always 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:43.680 safe in an environment like that. So we absolutely have 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:46.800 to be aware that our mental health is impacted by 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:50.440 what happens politically, by how much news we consume and 0:03:50.440 --> 0:03:52.880 what we understand about what's going on in that news, 0:03:53.400 --> 0:03:58.120 and we have to also be active participants in democracy, 0:03:58.400 --> 0:04:01.360 because that is actually how you would dress that mental 0:04:01.400 --> 0:04:04.320 health fear. That is actually how you address the fear 0:04:04.440 --> 0:04:07.480 being created by this environment. Is we have to become 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:12.080 active participants in the democracy and exercise the rights that 0:04:12.160 --> 0:04:15.920 so many of our African American ancestors have fought for 0:04:16.320 --> 0:04:18.800 so that we don't have to worry about someone like 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:22.400 President Trump regaining office and doing the things that he 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:26.880 has promised he would do, because our vote and the 0:04:26.920 --> 0:04:31.240 power of our vote would be impactful. If every African 0:04:31.279 --> 0:04:34.440 American went to vote, we would be forcing the politicians 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:37.440 to attend to our agenda. But the truth is we 0:04:37.480 --> 0:04:41.200 are underrepresented at the polls, and mostly because I think 0:04:41.440 --> 0:04:44.640 we have a level of indifference about what happens in 0:04:44.680 --> 0:04:48.719 these elections, and we need to instead have a level 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:52.039 of empowerment and respect the process that it took for 0:04:52.120 --> 0:04:54.039 us to get the right to vote. That's the only 0:04:54.080 --> 0:04:56.840 way to force these politicians to attend to us. It's 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:59.640 the only way to guarantee that no politician will ever 0:04:59.720 --> 0:05:03.120 take office again and roll back our rights, and it's 0:05:03.160 --> 0:05:05.960 the only way to address our mental health. We experience 0:05:06.000 --> 0:05:08.159 mental health crisis. And this is just unilaterally, this is 0:05:08.200 --> 0:05:10.400 not just in a political climate, but it's just kind 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:12.400 of a rule of thumb. When we are in an 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:16.039 environment where we experience it is like we're helpless, like 0:05:16.080 --> 0:05:19.159 we're just kind of along for the ride, we tend 0:05:19.920 --> 0:05:24.400 to suffer from a mental health perspective. So the antidote 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:28.839 to that, the solution to that is empowerment. It's participation. 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:31.599 So if you're in an environment where you feel like 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:34.000 things are happening around you, you don't have any control over it, 0:05:34.680 --> 0:05:37.919 the way to solve that is to engage in things 0:05:37.920 --> 0:05:41.320 that give you the perception of control, that gives you 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:43.160 the perception of influence. 0:05:43.480 --> 0:05:43.640 Right. 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:46.600 An example of that was my mental health was struggling 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:48.760 as a child. I was in an environment where my 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:51.760 father was really aggressive, mean and abusive, and I was 0:05:51.839 --> 0:05:55.600 just kind of subjected to his mean and abusive behaviors. 0:05:56.000 --> 0:05:58.880 When I learned that once I graduated my school, I 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:01.400 can go live in a college door room, that to 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:04.279 me sounded like safety, Like that sounded like an escape. 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:09.039 So my participation in that future was studying and getting 0:06:09.080 --> 0:06:11.760 good enough grades that I could get into college. You see, 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:14.560 So once we feel like we are participating in the 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:17.560 reality instead of just being subjected to it, then we 0:06:17.640 --> 0:06:20.640 tend to improve our mental health even if the problem 0:06:20.680 --> 0:06:24.840 still persists. So I encourage everybody to get out and vote, 0:06:25.120 --> 0:06:28.080 because we need to participate in this democracy so that 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:43.520 we don't have this democracy participating upon us. Welcome back 0:06:43.560 --> 0:06:48.080 to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliot Khanni, and as usual, 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:51.000 I'm gonna keep asking you guys this every single episode. 0:06:51.000 --> 0:06:52.360 As long as you can hear my voice, you're gonna 0:06:52.360 --> 0:06:55.159 hear me asking this question. And it's not just for 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:58.520 me doing it. It's actually because I want to shift 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:00.880 your perspective and have you focus on the things in 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:03.960 your life that bring you joy, peace, love and happiness. 0:07:04.160 --> 0:07:07.559 If you don't attend to them intentionally, then you've missed them, 0:07:07.760 --> 0:07:10.480 and that is what's been better since you last listened 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:13.760 to the previous episode. Just take a minute and just 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:16.320 think what have you enjoyed in your life since you 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.840 listened to the previous episode. I promise just doing that 0:07:19.920 --> 0:07:22.440 exercise and thinking about things that you enjoyed will make 0:07:22.440 --> 0:07:33.520 a difference in your life. People often ask in a relationship, 0:07:33.600 --> 0:07:39.400 is it necessary to heal as individuals before healing the relationship, 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:42.680 and the most common answer is people say yes, like 0:07:42.760 --> 0:07:44.960 I have to be healed in order to participate in 0:07:45.000 --> 0:07:49.840 a relationship. But the simple truth is that's actually not accurate. 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:54.400 When you enter into a relationship, you are agreeing to 0:07:54.720 --> 0:08:00.000 co construct an environment with your partner, and that environment 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:05.840 it should be warm, comfortable, nurturing and healing to that partner. Now, 0:08:06.000 --> 0:08:08.280 I wanna say this with a caveat, like it's not 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:12.640 my job to fix people, but there really is no 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:18.000 such thing as healed. Healing is a process, and all 0:08:18.040 --> 0:08:20.240 of us have been through something, and all of us 0:08:20.280 --> 0:08:25.080 have scars, wounds, traumas, and things that are impacting us. 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:28.040 So it is our responsibility when we get into a 0:08:28.080 --> 0:08:31.600 relationship with a partner is to create an environment that 0:08:31.720 --> 0:08:35.599 facilitates their healing. If we continue to hold onto the 0:08:35.679 --> 0:08:38.520 perspective that I can't really get into a relationship to 0:08:38.520 --> 0:08:41.120 till I'm healed, you'll never be ready and you'll never 0:08:41.160 --> 0:08:43.360 be able to get into a relationship because there really 0:08:43.440 --> 0:08:47.720 is no such thing as fully healed. You will always 0:08:47.800 --> 0:08:51.360 carry those scars and wounds. They will always be sensitive spots, 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:53.720 and they will always be trigger points. So the goal 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:56.280 is to get into relationship with somebody that helps you 0:08:56.360 --> 0:09:00.880 co constructive reality that facilitates your continued healing. Now, if 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:03.079 that is not happening, perhaps that is not the right 0:09:03.080 --> 0:09:05.800 partner for you. But it is important to realize that 0:09:05.880 --> 0:09:08.440 every relationship that I'm in should be a relationship that 0:09:08.480 --> 0:09:12.199 facilitates my healing, in a relationship that helps me grow 0:09:12.440 --> 0:09:16.040 and become the better version of myself within the confines 0:09:16.080 --> 0:09:20.600 of that relationship. This week's session highlights a conversation with 0:09:20.720 --> 0:09:24.240 Jay and David as they become aware of the shifts 0:09:24.240 --> 0:09:27.160 in their communication and the need to see a shared 0:09:27.280 --> 0:09:33.080 vision to move forward. How are you guys doing. What's 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:35.720 been going well between the two of you recently? 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:43.599 I'm doing good. That's going well. David put up a 0:09:43.640 --> 0:09:46.559 pergola for me, so that's going good. I'm happy about that. 0:09:47.320 --> 0:09:50.000 Very cool, Okay, David, do you enjoy doing that kind 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:50.320 of thing? 0:09:51.679 --> 0:09:55.440 It was cool because you know, it's like a sense 0:09:55.480 --> 0:09:58.480 of a sense of accomplishment, like I was able to 0:09:58.480 --> 0:10:00.800 get it done and it's up and it's working properly 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:03.960 and all that stuff. It's finishing up some little touches 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:04.800 to it, that's all. 0:10:06.120 --> 0:10:10.200 It was cool, Okay. What else, what else we're going 0:10:10.240 --> 0:10:11.280 well between two of you. 0:10:16.240 --> 0:10:17.800 I don't know what's been going well. 0:10:18.280 --> 0:10:20.440 I mean the same things that's been going well. I 0:10:20.440 --> 0:10:26.720 feel like the communication is good. We're helping each other 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:29.360 and in the ways that we can. 0:10:29.760 --> 0:10:34.400 Okay, what's happening that makes you think the communication is 0:10:34.440 --> 0:10:35.000 going well? 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:37.120 Well? 0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:39.480 I guess things like putting up the pergola, like I 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:44.680 wanted it, I bought it, you put it up. I'm 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:45.920 really happy about this pargola. 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:49.040 That's like your favorite thing right now. 0:10:49.880 --> 0:10:52.640 It really is because I love being outside, So if 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:55.120 I can be outside with a proper shade, I'm happy. 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:57.240 Well, that's got to be good. It's starting to warm 0:10:57.320 --> 0:10:57.760 up there. 0:10:57.679 --> 0:11:06.040 Right, Yeah, it is, okay. I mean, you know, communication 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:09.320 is not perfect, but you know, we talk to each 0:11:09.360 --> 0:11:14.520 other and that's fine. 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:20.160 Okay. Now, David, what about you? She said, She's she's 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:23.120 responded so far. What about What have you noticed that 0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:23.960 you've been pleased with? 0:11:25.840 --> 0:11:28.479 I probably have to say the same thing as communication. 0:11:28.679 --> 0:11:30.680 You have been communicating a little bit better. 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:36.560 David. You you had mentioned in a previous conversation. And 0:11:36.600 --> 0:11:38.440 I'm only bringing this up because both of you have 0:11:38.520 --> 0:11:42.000 said communication and David, you had mentioned a previous conversation 0:11:42.720 --> 0:11:44.920 that you're not really arguing anymore. Is that right? 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:47.240 True? 0:11:48.760 --> 0:11:52.160 We don't never argue, I mean, we rarely argue. I 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:55.360 don't feel like I know, communication has been brought up 0:11:55.360 --> 0:11:58.400 in the past, but I really don't feel like our 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:03.160 ability to communicate with each other is necessarily been like 0:12:03.240 --> 0:12:07.480 attention point. I don't know that we necessarily well. I mean, 0:12:07.480 --> 0:12:09.760 I guess we don't really listen to each other that well. 0:12:10.320 --> 0:12:15.640 But our willingness to speak, or at least my willingness 0:12:15.640 --> 0:12:20.360 to speak about stuff, is never been like a challenge 0:12:20.800 --> 0:12:26.520 really because we get along, so we're not like an 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:31.000 argumentative type of unit like I would. Maybe we probably 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:33.480 don't speak up as much as we could, but I 0:12:33.480 --> 0:12:36.600 don't feel like argument has ever been an issue. We've 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:39.720 had some moments where arguments have come up, but that's 0:12:39.760 --> 0:12:43.520 not a norm for us, Okay. 0:12:43.679 --> 0:12:50.640 I think it's Yes, it's not like we don't argue. Well, 0:12:50.720 --> 0:12:53.000 let me say, I feel like it's more like it's 0:12:53.040 --> 0:13:02.080 not a lot of biggering, you know, or plaining things 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:07.320 of that nature, you know. I think that's that's I 0:13:07.360 --> 0:13:10.840 haven't we haven't been dealing with that lately for a 0:13:10.840 --> 0:13:14.000 little bit now. And that's why, you know, I feel 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:16.200 like that's a little sense of relief too, because there's 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:19.080 not a lot of back and forth and knit picking 0:13:19.360 --> 0:13:21.800 and blah blah blah blah blah blah. If you don't 0:13:21.840 --> 0:13:23.959 like something, you just say. If I don't like something, I 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:26.200 just say something needs to be done, we just try 0:13:26.240 --> 0:13:38.040 to do it, or whatever the case may be. I mean, 0:13:38.280 --> 0:13:40.760 my on my end is just like enough is enough, 0:13:41.920 --> 0:13:46.599 Just go ahead and do that shit. Like I know, 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:49.480 you gotta say something like in my head, that's what 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:51.200 I'm saying. I was like, bro, just go ahead and 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:55.520 do it right, or go ahead, well whatever whatever it is. 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:58.440 If it's something that has to be done physically, just 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:01.080 go ahead and go do it. You know. Like for 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.280 an example, yesterday we both was running around. We both 0:14:04.360 --> 0:14:08.560 kind of tired. She had a call or whatever. I 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:10.439 was about to take a call or something like that. 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:13.800 You know, the dishes need to be washed. She came in. 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:15.679 She was like, oh, you beat me to it. I 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.559 was like, yep, but I already knew it. I saw 0:14:18.640 --> 0:14:20.320 the food out, I already knew what it needed to 0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:22.800 be done. The dishes needed to be done, and I 0:14:22.840 --> 0:14:25.000 know Jayalen don't like washing dishes and I don't need 0:14:25.040 --> 0:14:28.120 it though, But something as small as that she came 0:14:28.160 --> 0:14:31.760 in in it was already done. I know. She was 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:35.840 like thank you, like you know what I'm saying, like yeah, 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.160 but you know, I feel like that's what it is. 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:43.200 That's amazing, Okay, cool. And I only brought it up 0:14:43.480 --> 0:14:48.040 Jay because it was it was mentioned and clearly there's 0:14:48.040 --> 0:14:50.920 been a shift in the communication. Are you enjoying it? 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:54.520 Jake, I don't really see the major shifts, so I 0:14:54.520 --> 0:14:57.240 don't know. Maybe I'm missing something. 0:14:58.080 --> 0:15:02.360 I asked what's been better? And both of you said communication, 0:15:02.960 --> 0:15:04.840 So something must have shifted. 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:08.760 We said, what's been going good? And I feel like, 0:15:09.560 --> 0:15:13.440 but it's not necessarily better, it's just we've never had it, 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:17.920 like I feel like the communication is continuing. Well, I 0:15:17.920 --> 0:15:20.800 guess that's that's my position on it. I don't feel 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:24.840 like we've ever had like major communication issues. But that's 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:28.440 just my perspective. Maybe for David he said bickering or 0:15:28.680 --> 0:15:31.880 kind of like you know, that type of communication, maybe 0:15:31.880 --> 0:15:35.480 that has been the case in the past on my end, 0:15:35.520 --> 0:15:42.120 and I just wasn't that cognizant of it. But like 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:44.360 the only The challenge I think that we have with 0:15:44.440 --> 0:15:47.600 communication is the listening. And I don't know that we 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:51.680 necessarily listen to each other better. Maybe we do, I 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:55.880 don't know, But if there was any communication issue, I 0:15:55.880 --> 0:15:59.080 would say, is the listening part not necessarily arguing? 0:16:00.280 --> 0:16:05.520 Got you okay? Excellent? Both? Your favorite question? What are 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:10.080 you hoping we can get accomplished today? I knew I 0:16:10.160 --> 0:16:11.080 knew it, I knew it. 0:16:14.760 --> 0:16:18.560 Yeah, Well, I guess for me, I think we should explore, 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:21.880 like what what things look like after this? So like, 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:27.160 once we're finished with with your with the therapy with you, 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:29.680 what the two of what are the two of us 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:31.880 going to do? Are we going to get another therapist? 0:16:32.000 --> 0:16:35.320 Or are we going to try to continue therapy with you? 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:38.080 Are we you're happy you? 0:16:38.120 --> 0:16:38.280 No? 0:16:38.280 --> 0:16:41.120 No, no, you're happy to continue with me? I'd be 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:42.160 happy to do that. 0:16:42.160 --> 0:16:44.200 That would be beautiful. So that is one of the 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:46.880 things I wanted to discuss. So, like, is that something 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:49.400 that you want to do, David? Like do we feel 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:54.160 it's necessary? And if we do feel it's necessary, like 0:16:54.240 --> 0:16:57.600 why what do we want? Like what's the end goal? 0:16:57.720 --> 0:16:58.760 What are we trying to achieve? 0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:05.440 That's my question, Jay, right. 0:17:04.760 --> 0:17:09.359 I mean yeah, I would definitely love to continue. That's 0:17:09.440 --> 0:17:12.679 one too. I still think it's some more things that 0:17:12.840 --> 0:17:17.720 has to be addressed or you know, dig a little 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:27.920 deeper on certain topics. The end, I don't know the better, 0:17:28.520 --> 0:17:30.959 Like we say, all my one on one is the 0:17:30.960 --> 0:17:36.159 best version of yourself to help come together so we 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:39.520 can be the best version of each other. I feel. 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:44.800 Sure enough. 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:48.159 I really don't. I feel like we're not going to 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:51.480 graduate next week. I think we still got a couple 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:54.320 more things that has to be done before graduation. 0:17:55.359 --> 0:18:00.000 So okay, like what what would you like to see done? 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:03.960 And who knows next week a thousand weeks, but what's 0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:07.760 the here's what I'd like to see accomplished between the 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:08.640 two of us. 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:11.360 I just feel like if today was our last session, 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.639 I probably have questions Like if today was our last 0:18:14.680 --> 0:18:17.600 one and then you know, me and Jay were sitting 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:21.440 there we talking, I feel like we will probably come 0:18:21.480 --> 0:18:24.919 to a conclusion or things would get things would be 0:18:24.960 --> 0:18:29.040 brought up like yeah, we didn't hit dad, or you know, 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:31.879 I think it's some more brainstorming that needs to be 0:18:32.000 --> 0:18:36.840 done to see I just don't think that if today 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:38.880 was the last one, we're like, oh, thank you guys, 0:18:39.000 --> 0:18:42.080 I you know, wonderful experience blah blah blah. I feel like, 0:18:44.400 --> 0:18:46.840 do we need another two three sessions? What you think? 0:18:47.480 --> 0:18:49.920 Like you know? And then we'll probably ask each other why. 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:52.480 Like that's a good topic, let's write that down, let's 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:53.600 sell Elliott about it. 0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:56.920 So what would be the first two topics on your list? 0:18:57.960 --> 0:19:04.040 I don't know, Yes, you do, be honest. 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:04.960 My job. 0:19:05.280 --> 0:19:11.399 I'm sorry, I'm trying to pull it out, like just say. 0:19:09.880 --> 0:19:14.280 What Jay, I will. So I'm gonna I'm gonna accuse 0:19:14.320 --> 0:19:16.159 you of doing my job, but I'm also gonna accuse 0:19:16.160 --> 0:19:21.640 you of doing it pretty well. Actually, shut the hell up. 0:19:25.119 --> 0:19:27.960 I would never say that. But I'm over here thinking 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:31.760 what y'all will need me? You doing it? But she 0:19:31.920 --> 0:19:34.399 asked a really good question day, like what would be 0:19:35.080 --> 0:19:36.959 like on the top of the list? Like here are 0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:39.320 the things I'd like to give dress? She said, top 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:41.240 to But like just what what? 0:19:41.240 --> 0:19:41.520 What? 0:19:41.520 --> 0:19:44.520 What comes to the top of your mind? Mmmm? 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:51.400 I don't know. I gotta think, David, I gotta think 0:19:51.440 --> 0:19:55.680 what's comes to the top of your mind? I'm thinking the. 0:19:55.680 --> 0:19:58.920 Time of my mind? No, you know the answer for you, 0:19:59.080 --> 0:20:05.360 I know the answer for me. But but I'd rather 0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:07.160 you say yours because I don't want you to change 0:20:07.160 --> 0:20:08.080 your answers on. 0:20:08.040 --> 0:20:11.840 What I say. Good change nothing. I don't know. I 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:14.520 don't know the change. I gotta know that. I gotta 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:16.800 know what I want to say to change it. I 0:20:16.840 --> 0:20:19.439 don't know, So I'm not going to change it is 0:20:19.480 --> 0:20:20.200 nothing to change. 0:20:20.359 --> 0:20:22.840 But I think she's afraid to influence your answer. 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.000 She's not going to influence my answer. 0:20:27.359 --> 0:20:28.959 If you don't know, if you don't have an answer, 0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:35.520 it's easy to influence something that don't exist. But you 0:20:35.600 --> 0:20:38.760 know an answer though. That's the part that I'm. 0:20:40.480 --> 0:20:41.280 Let me start with j. 0:20:43.080 --> 0:20:49.120 All right, fuck it. The topics that I think are 0:20:49.160 --> 0:20:51.399 still kind of they need to be flushed out a 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:54.879 little bit more. The goal of the relationship, Like what 0:20:54.920 --> 0:20:58.760 are we working towards? Is this still on the path 0:20:58.840 --> 0:21:04.639 of co parenting living separately? Like do you want to 0:21:04.680 --> 0:21:07.840 be in a relationship with me? Do I want to 0:21:07.840 --> 0:21:12.320 be a relationship with you? How are we helping each 0:21:12.359 --> 0:21:19.000 other on our journey to being these better people? How 0:21:19.040 --> 0:21:21.600 does that trickle down to our children and then to 0:21:21.680 --> 0:21:25.120 our parenting when we see each other in the next 0:21:25.160 --> 0:21:28.880 year five years. Kind of the same topics that's always 0:21:28.920 --> 0:21:29.560 been on the table. 0:21:31.600 --> 0:21:38.119 Okay, David, So what is what are you hoping will address. 0:21:42.320 --> 0:21:45.600 Those? Right there? The topics that Jim said, It's like, 0:21:49.040 --> 0:21:51.080 those are the ones that I feel like, you know 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:54.639 that we probably will hit or we need to hit those, 0:21:54.960 --> 0:21:58.000 But that was a given because I feel like those 0:21:58.119 --> 0:22:04.119 was never addressed anyway. But me personally is yeah, do 0:22:04.200 --> 0:22:06.320 we still want to Like I'm not trying to take 0:22:06.359 --> 0:22:09.520 an answer though, but I still like, which way are 0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:13.679 we going? What are we working tours? Me personally, I 0:22:13.720 --> 0:22:20.000 feel like, you know, with changes and trying to be 0:22:20.119 --> 0:22:27.119 the best version of me, it can help me get 0:22:27.480 --> 0:22:31.640 to being the best version for us? Do we want 0:22:31.720 --> 0:22:34.239 to like it? Like it is a true statement? Do 0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:36.760 we want to be back in a relationship? Like how 0:22:37.200 --> 0:22:40.600 do is that something that I want to be done? 0:22:43.119 --> 0:22:44.919 Or is it time for us to just go our 0:22:45.000 --> 0:22:47.919 separate ways or whatever the case may be. Like that's 0:22:48.000 --> 0:22:51.479 that's a real question, and you know, and then they 0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:54.000 just get down to like the code parents and stuff 0:22:54.040 --> 0:22:57.400 like that gotta happen. But at the end of the day, 0:22:57.440 --> 0:22:59.760 like I told you, Elliott, I feel like, you know, 0:23:01.560 --> 0:23:04.600 if I'm going down this journey doing everything I need 0:23:04.640 --> 0:23:08.159 to do, and you know, some of the the benefits 0:23:08.200 --> 0:23:11.560 of that is, you know, maybe gaining our relationship back. 0:23:12.240 --> 0:23:16.520 If that happens, yes, that's good, you know, while addressing 0:23:16.600 --> 0:23:21.480 some of these other things. If that does not happen, right, 0:23:21.720 --> 0:23:25.240 how will I? How would Jay or me handle that? 0:23:25.440 --> 0:23:28.119 But I feel like if we are at that point 0:23:28.200 --> 0:23:31.240 that we the better version of ourselves, then we can 0:23:31.359 --> 0:23:35.159 handle whatever result is at the end. That's because it 0:23:35.160 --> 0:23:37.120 ain't the result that we was planning for. It don't 0:23:37.160 --> 0:23:39.879 mean that it's a bad thing because we're in a 0:23:39.960 --> 0:23:44.080 different our mindset is different compared to what it was 0:23:44.480 --> 0:23:47.040 months ago or a year ago, or whatever the case 0:23:47.119 --> 0:23:53.160 may be. I think it's still some lingering, little probably 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:57.359 anger that might still be lingering. It could be little 0:23:57.400 --> 0:23:59.760 one whoever part could be big on whoether part do? 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:03.639 I still think is some of that out there a 0:24:03.720 --> 0:24:07.159 little bit right? And I feel like once all of 0:24:07.200 --> 0:24:12.119 that is clear and you're feeling, you know, both of 0:24:12.200 --> 0:24:15.560 us are feeling one hundred and twenty percent better with ourselves, 0:24:16.359 --> 0:24:21.080 healing within ourselves, then I think, like, you know, if 0:24:21.080 --> 0:24:24.320 we come back and meet in the middle, it would 0:24:24.359 --> 0:24:27.240 be excellent. If we don't, I still think it's gonna 0:24:27.240 --> 0:24:29.520