Speaker 1: Hi. I'm Elia Connie, host of The Family Therapy Podcast,
Speaker 1: a Black Effect original series where each week, real families
Speaker 1: with real lives have real conversations. In celebration of BIPOC
Speaker 1: Mental Health Awareness Mound, we're inviting you to participate in
Speaker 1: your own live session Join me live on Black Effects
Speaker 1: Instagram on Wednesday, July seventeenth. We're doing this event to
Speaker 1: highlight the importance of mental health within BIPOC communities and
Speaker 1: to provide a space where you can share your experiences
Speaker 1: and receive guidance. Attendees can expect a safe and supportive
Speaker 1: environment where we'll engage in open, honest conversations. Whether you're
Speaker 1: facing personal challenges or seeking to strengthen family bonds, this
Speaker 1: event is for you. Please note participation is on a
Speaker 1: first come, first serve basis, so be sure to arrive
Speaker 1: early and engage respectfully. If you're interested in joining a
Speaker 1: guided conversation with me, send a direct message or DM
Speaker 1: to The Black Effect and confirm your participation before we
Speaker 1: get into this episode. There has been a lot of
Speaker 1: conversations around politics, given the recent debate and some of
Speaker 1: the Project twenty five stuff and some of the other
Speaker 1: things going on in the world, and I want to
Speaker 1: talk about how does the climate of politics as we're
Speaker 1: currently experiencing it affect our mental health. I think it's
Speaker 1: really important to acknowledge that some of the things going
Speaker 1: on in the world create fear, anxiety, and depression. The
Speaker 1: way America is going and the way the Conservative Republicans
Speaker 1: want to transition America and remove some of the rights
Speaker 1: that we have been fighting for for so long literally
Speaker 1: creates anxiety amongst people of color, amongst women, and we
Speaker 1: fear that our rights are going to be taken away
Speaker 1: from us. And it's not a it's a fear that
Speaker 1: they're actually telling us they're going to do these things.
Speaker 1: So the most likely response is a response of fear
Speaker 1: and anxiety. I think back to twenty twenty and the
Speaker 1: very tumultuous year that it was, and not just with COVID,
Speaker 1: but with all of the things going on from a
Speaker 1: social justice perspective, and I think about George Floyd, and
Speaker 1: I think about Amman Aubrey, and I think about the
Speaker 1: Black Lives Matter movement and all of those things that
Speaker 1: are happening. And I'll never forget my mother experiencing anxiety,
Speaker 1: as my mother is the parent of three African American men,
Speaker 1: and she actually worried that her three sons would die
Speaker 1: at the hands of some sort of a riot or
Speaker 1: some sort of an encounter with police. I had never
Speaker 1: seen that fear on my mother's face. I'd never heard
Speaker 1: that fear in my mother's voice until the administration that
Speaker 1: was in place at the time was rolling back certain
Speaker 1: protection and certain things related to civil rights and social
Speaker 1: justice that was causing it upheaval in society. That literally
Speaker 1: caused her to fear losing one of her children in
Speaker 1: that environment. So now we have the same politicians that
Speaker 1: were fighting for the White House at that time doing
Speaker 1: it again, and there is a fear and an anxiety
Speaker 1: if the former President Trump becomes a president again, we're
Speaker 1: going to go back to that level of roll back again.
Speaker 1: He's told us overtly this is going to happen. There's
Speaker 1: a fear that we're going to go back to that
Speaker 1: level of upheaval, and people of color are not always
Speaker 1: safe in an environment like that. So we absolutely have
Speaker 1: to be aware that our mental health is impacted by
Speaker 1: what happens politically, by how much news we consume and
Speaker 1: what we understand about what's going on in that news,
Speaker 1: and we have to also be active participants in democracy,
Speaker 1: because that is actually how you would dress that mental
Speaker 1: health fear. That is actually how you address the fear
Speaker 1: being created by this environment. Is we have to become
Speaker 1: active participants in the democracy and exercise the rights that
Speaker 1: so many of our African American ancestors have fought for
Speaker 1: so that we don't have to worry about someone like
Speaker 1: President Trump regaining office and doing the things that he
Speaker 1: has promised he would do, because our vote and the
Speaker 1: power of our vote would be impactful. If every African
Speaker 1: American went to vote, we would be forcing the politicians
Speaker 1: to attend to our agenda. But the truth is we
Speaker 1: are underrepresented at the polls, and mostly because I think
Speaker 1: we have a level of indifference about what happens in
Speaker 1: these elections, and we need to instead have a level
Speaker 1: of empowerment and respect the process that it took for
Speaker 1: us to get the right to vote. That's the only
Speaker 1: way to force these politicians to attend to us. It's
Speaker 1: the only way to guarantee that no politician will ever
Speaker 1: take office again and roll back our rights, and it's
Speaker 1: the only way to address our mental health. We experience
Speaker 1: mental health crisis. And this is just unilaterally, this is
Speaker 1: not just in a political climate, but it's just kind
Speaker 1: of a rule of thumb. When we are in an
Speaker 1: environment where we experience it is like we're helpless, like
Speaker 1: we're just kind of along for the ride, we tend
Speaker 1: to suffer from a mental health perspective. So the antidote
Speaker 1: to that, the solution to that is empowerment. It's participation.
Speaker 1: So if you're in an environment where you feel like
Speaker 1: things are happening around you, you don't have any control over it,
Speaker 1: the way to solve that is to engage in things
Speaker 1: that give you the perception of control, that gives you
Speaker 1: the perception of influence.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: An example of that was my mental health was struggling
Speaker 1: as a child. I was in an environment where my
Speaker 1: father was really aggressive, mean and abusive, and I was
Speaker 1: just kind of subjected to his mean and abusive behaviors.
Speaker 1: When I learned that once I graduated my school, I
Speaker 1: can go live in a college door room, that to
Speaker 1: me sounded like safety, Like that sounded like an escape.
Speaker 1: So my participation in that future was studying and getting
Speaker 1: good enough grades that I could get into college. You see,
Speaker 1: So once we feel like we are participating in the
Speaker 1: reality instead of just being subjected to it, then we
Speaker 1: tend to improve our mental health even if the problem
Speaker 1: still persists. So I encourage everybody to get out and vote,
Speaker 1: because we need to participate in this democracy so that
Speaker 1: we don't have this democracy participating upon us. Welcome back
Speaker 1: to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliot Khanni, and as usual,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna keep asking you guys this every single episode.
Speaker 1: As long as you can hear my voice, you're gonna
Speaker 1: hear me asking this question. And it's not just for
Speaker 1: me doing it. It's actually because I want to shift
Speaker 1: your perspective and have you focus on the things in
Speaker 1: your life that bring you joy, peace, love and happiness.
Speaker 1: If you don't attend to them intentionally, then you've missed them,
Speaker 1: and that is what's been better since you last listened
Speaker 1: to the previous episode. Just take a minute and just
Speaker 1: think what have you enjoyed in your life since you
Speaker 1: listened to the previous episode. I promise just doing that
Speaker 1: exercise and thinking about things that you enjoyed will make
Speaker 1: a difference in your life. People often ask in a relationship,
Speaker 1: is it necessary to heal as individuals before healing the relationship,
Speaker 1: and the most common answer is people say yes, like
Speaker 1: I have to be healed in order to participate in
Speaker 1: a relationship. But the simple truth is that's actually not accurate.
Speaker 1: When you enter into a relationship, you are agreeing to
Speaker 1: co construct an environment with your partner, and that environment
Speaker 1: it should be warm, comfortable, nurturing and healing to that partner. Now,
Speaker 1: I wanna say this with a caveat, like it's not
Speaker 1: my job to fix people, but there really is no
Speaker 1: such thing as healed. Healing is a process, and all
Speaker 1: of us have been through something, and all of us
Speaker 1: have scars, wounds, traumas, and things that are impacting us.
Speaker 1: So it is our responsibility when we get into a
Speaker 1: relationship with a partner is to create an environment that
Speaker 1: facilitates their healing. If we continue to hold onto the
Speaker 1: perspective that I can't really get into a relationship to
Speaker 1: till I'm healed, you'll never be ready and you'll never
Speaker 1: be able to get into a relationship because there really
Speaker 1: is no such thing as fully healed. You will always
Speaker 1: carry those scars and wounds. They will always be sensitive spots,
Speaker 1: and they will always be trigger points. So the goal
Speaker 1: is to get into relationship with somebody that helps you
Speaker 1: co constructive reality that facilitates your continued healing. Now, if
Speaker 1: that is not happening, perhaps that is not the right
Speaker 1: partner for you. But it is important to realize that
Speaker 1: every relationship that I'm in should be a relationship that
Speaker 1: facilitates my healing, in a relationship that helps me grow
Speaker 1: and become the better version of myself within the confines
Speaker 1: of that relationship. This week's session highlights a conversation with
Speaker 1: Jay and David as they become aware of the shifts
Speaker 1: in their communication and the need to see a shared
Speaker 1: vision to move forward. How are you guys doing. What's
Speaker 1: been going well between the two of you recently?
Speaker 3: I'm doing good. That's going well. David put up a
Speaker 3: pergola for me, so that's going good. I'm happy about that.
Speaker 1: Very cool, Okay, David, do you enjoy doing that kind
Speaker 1: of thing?
Speaker 2: It was cool because you know, it's like a sense
Speaker 2: of a sense of accomplishment, like I was able to
Speaker 2: get it done and it's up and it's working properly
Speaker 2: and all that stuff. It's finishing up some little touches
Speaker 2: to it, that's all.
Speaker 1: It was cool, Okay. What else, what else we're going
Speaker 1: well between two of you.
Speaker 2: I don't know what's been going well.
Speaker 3: I mean the same things that's been going well. I
Speaker 3: feel like the communication is good. We're helping each other
Speaker 3: and in the ways that we can.
Speaker 1: Okay, what's happening that makes you think the communication is
Speaker 1: going well?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 3: I guess things like putting up the pergola, like I
Speaker 3: wanted it, I bought it, you put it up. I'm
Speaker 3: really happy about this pargola.
Speaker 1: That's like your favorite thing right now.
Speaker 3: It really is because I love being outside, So if
Speaker 3: I can be outside with a proper shade, I'm happy.
Speaker 1: Well, that's got to be good. It's starting to warm
Speaker 1: up there.
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, it is, okay. I mean, you know, communication
Speaker 3: is not perfect, but you know, we talk to each
Speaker 3: other and that's fine.
Speaker 1: Okay. Now, David, what about you? She said, She's she's
Speaker 1: responded so far. What about What have you noticed that
Speaker 1: you've been pleased with?
Speaker 2: I probably have to say the same thing as communication.
Speaker 2: You have been communicating a little bit better.
Speaker 1: David. You you had mentioned in a previous conversation. And
Speaker 1: I'm only bringing this up because both of you have
Speaker 1: said communication and David, you had mentioned a previous conversation
Speaker 1: that you're not really arguing anymore. Is that right?
Speaker 2: True?
Speaker 3: We don't never argue, I mean, we rarely argue. I
Speaker 3: don't feel like I know, communication has been brought up
Speaker 3: in the past, but I really don't feel like our
Speaker 3: ability to communicate with each other is necessarily been like
Speaker 3: attention point. I don't know that we necessarily well. I mean,
Speaker 3: I guess we don't really listen to each other that well.
Speaker 3: But our willingness to speak, or at least my willingness
Speaker 3: to speak about stuff, is never been like a challenge
Speaker 3: really because we get along, so we're not like an
Speaker 3: argumentative type of unit like I would. Maybe we probably
Speaker 3: don't speak up as much as we could, but I
Speaker 3: don't feel like argument has ever been an issue. We've
Speaker 3: had some moments where arguments have come up, but that's
Speaker 3: not a norm for us, Okay.
Speaker 2: I think it's Yes, it's not like we don't argue. Well,
Speaker 2: let me say, I feel like it's more like it's
Speaker 2: not a lot of biggering, you know, or plaining things
Speaker 2: of that nature, you know. I think that's that's I
Speaker 2: haven't we haven't been dealing with that lately for a
Speaker 2: little bit now. And that's why, you know, I feel
Speaker 2: like that's a little sense of relief too, because there's
Speaker 2: not a lot of back and forth and knit picking
Speaker 2: and blah blah blah blah blah blah. If you don't
Speaker 2: like something, you just say. If I don't like something, I
Speaker 2: just say something needs to be done, we just try
Speaker 2: to do it, or whatever the case may be. I mean,
Speaker 2: my on my end is just like enough is enough,
Speaker 2: Just go ahead and do that shit. Like I know,
Speaker 2: you gotta say something like in my head, that's what
Speaker 2: I'm saying. I was like, bro, just go ahead and
Speaker 2: do it right, or go ahead, well whatever whatever it is.
Speaker 2: If it's something that has to be done physically, just
Speaker 2: go ahead and go do it. You know. Like for
Speaker 2: an example, yesterday we both was running around. We both
Speaker 2: kind of tired. She had a call or whatever. I
Speaker 2: was about to take a call or something like that.
Speaker 2: You know, the dishes need to be washed. She came in.
Speaker 2: She was like, oh, you beat me to it. I
Speaker 2: was like, yep, but I already knew it. I saw
Speaker 2: the food out, I already knew what it needed to
Speaker 2: be done. The dishes needed to be done, and I
Speaker 2: know Jayalen don't like washing dishes and I don't need
Speaker 2: it though, But something as small as that she came
Speaker 2: in in it was already done. I know. She was
Speaker 2: like thank you, like you know what I'm saying, like yeah,
Speaker 2: but you know, I feel like that's what it is.
Speaker 1: That's amazing, Okay, cool. And I only brought it up
Speaker 1: Jay because it was it was mentioned and clearly there's
Speaker 1: been a shift in the communication. Are you enjoying it?
Speaker 3: Jake, I don't really see the major shifts, so I
Speaker 3: don't know. Maybe I'm missing something.
Speaker 1: I asked what's been better? And both of you said communication,
Speaker 1: So something must have shifted.
Speaker 3: We said, what's been going good? And I feel like,
Speaker 3: but it's not necessarily better, it's just we've never had it,
Speaker 3: like I feel like the communication is continuing. Well, I
Speaker 3: guess that's that's my position on it. I don't feel
Speaker 3: like we've ever had like major communication issues. But that's
Speaker 3: just my perspective. Maybe for David he said bickering or
Speaker 3: kind of like you know, that type of communication, maybe
Speaker 3: that has been the case in the past on my end,
Speaker 3: and I just wasn't that cognizant of it. But like
Speaker 3: the only The challenge I think that we have with
Speaker 3: communication is the listening. And I don't know that we
Speaker 3: necessarily listen to each other better. Maybe we do, I
Speaker 3: don't know, But if there was any communication issue, I
Speaker 3: would say, is the listening part not necessarily arguing?
Speaker 1: Got you okay? Excellent? Both? Your favorite question? What are
Speaker 1: you hoping we can get accomplished today? I knew I
Speaker 1: knew it, I knew it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, I guess for me, I think we should explore,
Speaker 3: like what what things look like after this? So like,
Speaker 3: once we're finished with with your with the therapy with you,
Speaker 3: what the two of what are the two of us
Speaker 3: going to do? Are we going to get another therapist?
Speaker 3: Or are we going to try to continue therapy with you?
Speaker 1: Are we you're happy you?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, no, you're happy to continue with me? I'd be
Speaker 1: happy to do that.
Speaker 3: That would be beautiful. So that is one of the
Speaker 3: things I wanted to discuss. So, like, is that something
Speaker 3: that you want to do, David? Like do we feel
Speaker 3: it's necessary? And if we do feel it's necessary, like
Speaker 3: why what do we want? Like what's the end goal?
Speaker 3: What are we trying to achieve?
Speaker 1: That's my question, Jay, right.
Speaker 2: I mean yeah, I would definitely love to continue. That's
Speaker 2: one too. I still think it's some more things that
Speaker 2: has to be addressed or you know, dig a little
Speaker 2: deeper on certain topics. The end, I don't know the better,
Speaker 2: Like we say, all my one on one is the
Speaker 2: best version of yourself to help come together so we
Speaker 2: can be the best version of each other. I feel.
Speaker 3: Sure enough.
Speaker 2: I really don't. I feel like we're not going to
Speaker 2: graduate next week. I think we still got a couple
Speaker 2: more things that has to be done before graduation.
Speaker 1: So okay, like what what would you like to see done?
Speaker 1: And who knows next week a thousand weeks, but what's
Speaker 1: the here's what I'd like to see accomplished between the
Speaker 1: two of us.
Speaker 2: I just feel like if today was our last session,
Speaker 2: I probably have questions Like if today was our last
Speaker 2: one and then you know, me and Jay were sitting
Speaker 2: there we talking, I feel like we will probably come
Speaker 2: to a conclusion or things would get things would be
Speaker 2: brought up like yeah, we didn't hit dad, or you know,
Speaker 2: I think it's some more brainstorming that needs to be
Speaker 2: done to see I just don't think that if today
Speaker 2: was the last one, we're like, oh, thank you guys,
Speaker 2: I you know, wonderful experience blah blah blah. I feel like,
Speaker 2: do we need another two three sessions? What you think?
Speaker 2: Like you know? And then we'll probably ask each other why.
Speaker 2: Like that's a good topic, let's write that down, let's
Speaker 2: sell Elliott about it.
Speaker 3: So what would be the first two topics on your list?
Speaker 3: I don't know, Yes, you do, be honest.
Speaker 1: My job.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I'm trying to pull it out, like just say.
Speaker 1: What Jay, I will. So I'm gonna I'm gonna accuse
Speaker 1: you of doing my job, but I'm also gonna accuse
Speaker 1: you of doing it pretty well. Actually, shut the hell up.
Speaker 1: I would never say that. But I'm over here thinking
Speaker 1: what y'all will need me? You doing it? But she
Speaker 1: asked a really good question day, like what would be
Speaker 1: like on the top of the list? Like here are
Speaker 1: the things I'd like to give dress? She said, top
Speaker 1: to But like just what what?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: What comes to the top of your mind? Mmmm?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I gotta think, David, I gotta think
Speaker 2: what's comes to the top of your mind? I'm thinking the.
Speaker 3: Time of my mind? No, you know the answer for you,
Speaker 3: I know the answer for me. But but I'd rather
Speaker 3: you say yours because I don't want you to change
Speaker 3: your answers on.
Speaker 2: What I say. Good change nothing. I don't know. I
Speaker 2: don't know the change. I gotta know that. I gotta
Speaker 2: know what I want to say to change it. I
Speaker 2: don't know, So I'm not going to change it is
Speaker 2: nothing to change.
Speaker 1: But I think she's afraid to influence your answer.
Speaker 2: She's not going to influence my answer.
Speaker 3: If you don't know, if you don't have an answer,
Speaker 3: it's easy to influence something that don't exist. But you
Speaker 3: know an answer though. That's the part that I'm.
Speaker 1: Let me start with j.
Speaker 3: All right, fuck it. The topics that I think are
Speaker 3: still kind of they need to be flushed out a
Speaker 3: little bit more. The goal of the relationship, Like what
Speaker 3: are we working towards? Is this still on the path
Speaker 3: of co parenting living separately? Like do you want to
Speaker 3: be in a relationship with me? Do I want to
Speaker 3: be a relationship with you? How are we helping each
Speaker 3: other on our journey to being these better people? How
Speaker 3: does that trickle down to our children and then to
Speaker 3: our parenting when we see each other in the next
Speaker 3: year five years. Kind of the same topics that's always
Speaker 3: been on the table.
Speaker 1: Okay, David, So what is what are you hoping will address.
Speaker 2: Those? Right there? The topics that Jim said, It's like,
Speaker 2: those are the ones that I feel like, you know
Speaker 2: that we probably will hit or we need to hit those,
Speaker 2: But that was a given because I feel like those
Speaker 2: was never addressed anyway. But me personally is yeah, do
Speaker 2: we still want to Like I'm not trying to take
Speaker 2: an answer though, but I still like, which way are
Speaker 2: we going? What are we working tours? Me personally, I
Speaker 2: feel like, you know, with changes and trying to be
Speaker 2: the best version of me, it can help me get
Speaker 2: to being the best version for us? Do we want
Speaker 2: to like it? Like it is a true statement? Do
Speaker 2: we want to be back in a relationship? Like how
Speaker 2: do is that something that I want to be done?
Speaker 2: Or is it time for us to just go our
Speaker 2: separate ways or whatever the case may be. Like that's
Speaker 2: that's a real question, and you know, and then they
Speaker 2: just get down to like the code parents and stuff
Speaker 2: like that gotta happen. But at the end of the day,
Speaker 2: like I told you, Elliott, I feel like, you know,
Speaker 2: if I'm going down this journey doing everything I need
Speaker 2: to do, and you know, some of the the benefits
Speaker 2: of that is, you know, maybe gaining our relationship back.
Speaker 2: If that happens, yes, that's good, you know, while addressing
Speaker 2: some of these other things. If that does not happen, right,
Speaker 2: how will I? How would Jay or me handle that?
Speaker 2: But I feel like if we are at that point
Speaker 2: that we the better version of ourselves, then we can
Speaker 2: handle whatever result is at the end. That's because it
Speaker 2: ain't the result that we was planning for. It don't
Speaker 2: mean that it's a bad thing because we're in a
Speaker 2: different our mindset is different compared to what it was
Speaker 2: months ago or a year ago, or whatever the case
Speaker 2: may be. I think it's still some lingering, little probably
Speaker 2: anger that might still be lingering. It could be little
Speaker 2: one whoever part could be big on whoether part do?
Speaker 2: I still think is some of that out there a
Speaker 2: little bit right? And I feel like once all of
Speaker 2: that is clear and you're feeling, you know, both of
Speaker 2: us are feeling one hundred and twenty percent better with ourselves,
Speaker 2: healing within ourselves, then I think, like, you know, if
Speaker 2: we come back and meet in the middle, it would
Speaker 2: be excellent. If we don't, I still think it's gonna
Speaker 2: be a good thing because we're gonna be in a
Speaker 2: different mindset for ourselves. That's it.
Speaker 1: Let's let's pretend for a minute Jay's not here. What
Speaker 1: do you want in your like most idealistic brain, Like
Speaker 1: would you like a relationship with Jay? Would like would
Speaker 1: you like to move in that direction? And that be
Speaker 1: the thing that gets accomplished? Not even wondering, not even
Speaker 1: worried about how at the moment, but like, is that
Speaker 1: the thing you'd want?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay? And and Jay, I'd ask you the same question, like,
Speaker 1: pretend Dave is not here in the most idealistic way,
Speaker 1: not thinking about how at the moment, but just if
Speaker 1: that's the thing that we're to be accomplished, is that
Speaker 1: what you would want?
Speaker 3: You mean, like right now or no?
Speaker 1: Just six months in that direction? Yeah, maybe tomorrow, maybe
Speaker 1: a month from now, maybe ten years from now. But
Speaker 1: just like if that's the ultimate thing that gets accomplished,
Speaker 1: is that what you would want?
Speaker 3: I can't say concretely yes or no.
Speaker 1: And I'm only asking this because like sitting on the fence,
Speaker 1: sitting in the middle is usually an uncomfortable space. So
Speaker 1: what is getting in the way of being like yes,
Speaker 1: I want to move in that direction, And again we're
Speaker 1: not talking about how yet. I and I understand if
Speaker 1: we are moving that direction, there's some things we got
Speaker 1: to over come, some things we got to achieve, and
Speaker 1: all that. But what's the barrier to being able to say, yes,
Speaker 1: I want to move in that direction or no? I
Speaker 1: absolutely don't.
Speaker 3: Well, when David talks about, you know, they're being anger
Speaker 3: that we might both have for each other, I would
Speaker 3: say that, yeah, I do have, you know, resentment, because
Speaker 3: I feel like we've been doing this for ten years
Speaker 3: and I still feel like he's wasted my time in
Speaker 3: some ways. So I would have to feel confident moving
Speaker 3: forward that he's no longer wasted my time, that he
Speaker 3: is serious about the relationship, serious about marriage, and I
Speaker 3: don't see that yet. I think he absolutely cares, and
Speaker 3: I think we both actually care about each other. I
Speaker 3: don't know that. I don't know that he wants to
Speaker 3: marry me. I know he says that he said it
Speaker 3: in the past, but I don't feel like his actions
Speaker 3: have kind of aligned with that. So I have no
Speaker 3: intentions on being someone's girlfriend for another ten years. So
Speaker 3: it's like, if that's not you know, a concrete thing
Speaker 3: that we're working towards. Then it's hard for me to
Speaker 3: say like, yeah, let's keep doing what we're doing.
Speaker 1: No, that makes absolute ten.
Speaker 3: So it's that part, and then you know we're still
Speaker 3: kind of working on ourselves, I guess, so like, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know there's been there's been growth for sure, but
Speaker 3: I don't know that is there just yet to say yeah,
Speaker 3: all right, we're gonna do this.
Speaker 1: How how would it impact you if you knew he
Speaker 1: was absolutely serious about about you, about marriage, about you
Speaker 1: not being a girlfriend for another ten years, But like,
Speaker 1: how would that impact you if you knew for certain
Speaker 1: he was absolutely serious about that.
Speaker 3: I mean we've talked about before. I'm a mission oriented person.
Speaker 3: So if that's the mission, that's the goal, then let's
Speaker 3: do it. You know, let's focus on.
Speaker 1: That, right. But you are a very mission oriented person.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so like if that's not it, then it's just like, okay,
Speaker 3: then that's not it. But if that is something that
Speaker 3: he says, like I'm absolutely I'm saving for a wedding
Speaker 3: ring like or a negaging ring, like I'm this is
Speaker 3: what I'm doing. I'm saving so that we are financially stable.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm doing the work to put us in a
Speaker 3: position where you know, we're going to be comfortable in life,
Speaker 3: and and I want to work with you, and we're
Speaker 3: going to pay down our debt together, and we're gonna
Speaker 3: you know, identify where we want to live and make
Speaker 3: sure that this school district is solid and really, can
Speaker 3: you know, give our kids what they deserve? You know, like,
Speaker 3: if those conversations were on the table and I saw
Speaker 3: action towards them, it would feel great, But I don't
Speaker 3: really see that.
Speaker 1: Would that activate your mission drivenness? If you will, if
Speaker 1: you see those.
Speaker 3: Things, yeah, I think so. I think so, you know,
Speaker 3: I think it would definitely help. But I also feel like,
Speaker 3: you know, on an individual level, I haven't been very
Speaker 3: clear on what my own personal missions are as far
Speaker 3: as my own personal goals. So that's part of some
Speaker 3: of the challenge that I have with myself. So maybe
Speaker 3: you know, having that collective goal would help me with
Speaker 3: you know, defining some of the personal goals I have
Speaker 3: to But either way, you know, the person stuff would
Speaker 3: have to have to figure that piece out.
Speaker 1: Okay, So how would David experience you differently when you
Speaker 1: were being mission driven?
Speaker 3: I don't know, you have to ask him that, I guess, David,
Speaker 3: how do.
Speaker 1: You imagine you would experience her differently when she is
Speaker 1: being that mission driven version of herself.
Speaker 3: Well, I would say, like, when I do have something
Speaker 3: that I'm working towards, I don't let a lot of
Speaker 3: things get in a way of me getting it, and
Speaker 3: I'm very focused on it. So I think, you know,
Speaker 3: my conversations are more focused on those things, and I
Speaker 3: don't like to have like a lot of time spent
Speaker 3: on things that aren't about that thing. So it's like
Speaker 3: every piece has to kind of be all right, this
Speaker 3: is leading towards getting this property. So I'm making sure
Speaker 3: my you know, my money is right, my credit is right,
Speaker 3: so all the little pieces that lead towards purchasing, I'm
Speaker 3: focused on it. So I don't spend a lot of
Speaker 3: time doing frivolous stuff. So like if our mission was marriage,
Speaker 3: then I'll be like, all right, cool, so then this
Speaker 3: is what we need to do to get to that point.
Speaker 3: So let's focus on those things that need to be
Speaker 3: in place. So I would imagine, you know that he
Speaker 3: would experience me as just being more focused and more
Speaker 3: understanding of the pieces that need to fit in the
Speaker 3: puzzle to complete the goal.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back with more family therapy. So if
Speaker 1: the mission is marriage, he would notice those things. How
Speaker 1: would he know you were happy about it? Like, what
Speaker 1: would he notice that would tell him you were pleased
Speaker 1: that the mission was marriage.
Speaker 3: I guess he would know I was pleased because I
Speaker 3: would be excited about working towards it.
Speaker 1: I would be you know, how would you show that excitement?
Speaker 2: Same way with the houses?
Speaker 1: And how was that, David? How did you notice it?
Speaker 2: Because I mean when she said it though, when she
Speaker 2: locked in on someone, that's that's the topic of discussion
Speaker 2: ninety percent of the time, besides the kids, Like you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, it's all normal life stuff. But
Speaker 2: she's gonna make sure she like she said, she got
Speaker 2: to pay down a little bit of debt. She's gonna
Speaker 2: make sure she do that. She's gonna make sure all
Speaker 2: her ducks is in order, you know, got the right people,
Speaker 2: all that, everything the checklist is being checked off box
Speaker 2: by box. So if I feel like if there's an
Speaker 2: other like maveraging something and that was the goal, then
Speaker 2: you know, I could see her looking at certain things
Speaker 2: and you know, probably uh knowing Jalen, do you want
Speaker 2: to have a wedding or just a nice reception? How
Speaker 2: much money is gonna be spent? How much we're gonna say?
Speaker 2: What's the date? Like everything is gonna be everything? If
Speaker 2: we getting if we is to get engaged Friday by
Speaker 2: before the month over with, I'm pretty sure that we'll
Speaker 2: probably have a date for the wedding. Okay, I'm being
Speaker 2: honest with you, right, I Benes. That's just the way
Speaker 2: she That's and it's nothing wrong with that, Like, it's
Speaker 2: not wrong with that. That's that's probably not my approach.
Speaker 2: But you know, if you with somebody that has an
Speaker 2: approach like that, then you know, maybe it could you know,
Speaker 2: rub off, But I really think that's what it'll probably
Speaker 2: it'd be like that. I could be wrong.
Speaker 1: How would she know that you were also pleased to
Speaker 1: be on this mission working towards marriage?
Speaker 2: I mean, because I'll be excited. I'm not gonna do
Speaker 2: something that I don't want to do. I'm not gonna
Speaker 2: do nothing that well, let me say that, because I
Speaker 2: do do stuff that I don't want to do though,
Speaker 2: because it needs to be done. But when you're talking
Speaker 2: about you know, going into marriage, like you want to
Speaker 2: spend the rest of your life with somebody, you know,
Speaker 2: you gotta do you gotta want it, you gotta do it.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, I'll be excited too as well,
Speaker 2: not for nothing like like that's because I'm a guy, right.
Speaker 2: I want a nice wedding. I want a nice reception.
Speaker 2: I want to look fly, like she's gonna look all
Speaker 2: pretty and beautiful and stuff like that. You know, Like,
Speaker 2: I don't want to shit back and not partake. So
Speaker 2: if I'm gonna sit there and help, like, I got
Speaker 2: to be excited to help because I want input, you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. I want to have some input
Speaker 2: on it. I know most men don't have input on weddings,
Speaker 2: and you know, you see it on TV that and
Speaker 2: the men ain't really into it or whatever, But not me.
Speaker 2: I think I'd be sitting here, sitting right next to
Speaker 2: her looking through magazines or I'm I'm a computer.
Speaker 1: Now, how different, David, do you think Jay would experience that?
Speaker 1: Because she's saying in the past that wasn't the mission,
Speaker 1: and she's saying, I don't want to be somebody's girlfriend
Speaker 1: for the next ten years. How different do you think
Speaker 1: it would be for her to know this is clearly
Speaker 1: the mission. You're looking on the internet with her like
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, how different do you
Speaker 1: think Jay would experience that?
Speaker 2: I think she'll know that I'm more serious about it.
Speaker 2: That is not talk right, I'm really going to go
Speaker 2: ahead and make this happen. So I think that'll be
Speaker 2: a big difference because she's like, you know, he really
Speaker 2: trying to make it happen. This is what you want
Speaker 2: to do, and he got a plan for it and everything.
Speaker 2: So I think I gotta get her excited because it's not
Speaker 2: It's something that's been talked about, but it was never
Speaker 2: no clear plan or action taking place to accomplish that.
Speaker 2: So I feel like once she sees all of that
Speaker 2: and see it like with our eyes and own two
Speaker 2: eyes and everything and see what's going on, I think
Speaker 2: it'll be a it'd be a big difference. It'll probably
Speaker 2: be some sense of security or comfort or you know,
Speaker 2: like all right, okay, so this is where we're going.
Speaker 2: This is the mission. Like she said, this is the mission,
Speaker 2: and he's leading the mission, so let's rock and roll.
Speaker 2: I don't think she'll leave me hanging if she see that.
Speaker 2: I'm serious, and it's a direction that I'm trying to go,
Speaker 2: and I wanted her to come with me, and I'm
Speaker 2: making a plan to go in that direction. I think
Speaker 2: she's gonna go in that direction right by my side.
Speaker 2: M Jay.
Speaker 1: What difference would that make to you?
Speaker 3: I think honestly, like, part of the challenge that I
Speaker 3: have with David is lack of planning. So that has
Speaker 3: resulted in decreased respect for him. So I feel like
Speaker 3: if he saved money and bought me a ring and created,
Speaker 3: you know, this beautiful experience and proposed to me, I
Speaker 3: would be like, oh shit, like I gotta really look
Speaker 3: at him differently now because he's he's planned this out.
Speaker 3: So my respect for him would increase, and I would
Speaker 3: I would look at him as someone that I would,
Speaker 3: you know, be excited about that. I would be, you know,
Speaker 3: I would admire him for making those changes to get
Speaker 3: to that place where you know, like he's he's serious
Speaker 3: about the future of our relationship. I would just see
Speaker 3: him differently. He would be the man that I thought
Speaker 3: that he was. And if I can see him that way,
Speaker 3: then I can treat him that way.
Speaker 1: Probably stupid. I don't know if this is a good question,
Speaker 1: not Jay, But would you say yes today?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 3: No, no, no, she wouldn't want to marry me to either.
Speaker 3: But would I say yes today?
Speaker 1: No, that's not my question. That's not my question. Uh
Speaker 1: my question.
Speaker 3: All of that planning and prepare.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he plans, he saves for a ring, he creates
Speaker 1: an experience, and then you're like whoa as you said, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I gotta view him differently? Would you say yes to
Speaker 1: that different version of him?
Speaker 3: If he did all of those things and did not
Speaker 3: fall flat on the other responsibility that he has, then
Speaker 3: I would absolutely say yes. But if he did all
Speaker 3: those things and then left me hanging and other areas
Speaker 3: that are also important, then I would be like, well, yeah,
Speaker 3: I mean you planned and you bought the ring, but
Speaker 3: you ain't giving no money this month. That wouldn't work. No, no, yeah,
Speaker 3: you know, if everything stayed in position as far as
Speaker 3: you know, him taking care of the responsibilities, and he
Speaker 3: also did that on top of it, then yes, I
Speaker 3: would say yes.
Speaker 1: Okay, so everything stays. You know, he's contributing in all
Speaker 1: the areas necessary and required. But you also notice planning
Speaker 1: this detail. You also noticed planning for this thing happening
Speaker 1: that would fit for you.
Speaker 3: Right, Jay, Yeah, that was fit.
Speaker 1: And David, what would it be like for you to
Speaker 1: have her view you differently and then consequent to that,
Speaker 1: treat you differently.
Speaker 2: It'll feels way way better than what it does sometimes,
Speaker 2: you know, who doesn't want to be treated good or
Speaker 2: treated fairly or whatever the case may be. M h.
Speaker 2: And then you know, it's just like a pat on
Speaker 2: the back, like you know, because at some point in
Speaker 2: time she did view me that way and then I
Speaker 2: lost it, right, so for they gain it back and
Speaker 2: it's like, you know, it's a little kudos to myself
Speaker 2: for changing my behavior and ways, you know what I'm saying,
Speaker 2: because that's a big step. And then you know, I
Speaker 2: like this. I like this side of the road. I
Speaker 2: don't like the other side of the road. It's not
Speaker 2: it's crowded over here. I like this side of the road.
Speaker 2: It's much better. So you know, I think, you know,
Speaker 2: I very I love that and I would enjoy that
Speaker 2: feeling and respect from Jay.
Speaker 1: How would she know, David, that you wouldn't lose it
Speaker 1: this time like you'd work She don't know you You
Speaker 1: used the word a minute ago stability, and I know
Speaker 1: that that quality that matters. How would you let her
Speaker 1: know that you're gonna work to not lose it this
Speaker 1: time once you get it back.
Speaker 2: It's the only way I can let her know is
Speaker 2: a shower, right, That's the only way. Yeah, there's no
Speaker 2: just I just got a shower. Right. I gotta show
Speaker 2: her certain things. You got to see me doing certain things,
Speaker 2: and you know, constantly speaking on these certain things and
Speaker 2: following up like this is where we was at. This
Speaker 2: is month one, This is where I'm at right now
Speaker 2: month two. You know, this is how it should look
Speaker 2: in month three. Right. It's a plan playing in the action.
Speaker 2: So I think that's the only way she gonna know. Right,
Speaker 2: I could say say say it a thousand times, so
Speaker 2: she can physically see some of these things. That's the
Speaker 2: only way she gonna know.
Speaker 1: And when you say, like you have to show her
Speaker 1: certain things, do you know what those certain things are? Yeah? Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: and Jay for you to notice, like as David says, like,
Speaker 1: I can't say it, I have to show her for
Speaker 1: you to notice this difference and see stability and see
Speaker 1: he's like when you view him in this different way,
Speaker 1: he's cherishing it. How would that have an impact on you.
Speaker 3: It's just like if you go into business with someone
Speaker 3: and they're inconsistent and they don't you know, all the
Speaker 3: qualities of a good business partner, You're not going to
Speaker 3: create another business with them, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: So it's like same thing here. If we are you know,
Speaker 3: if we decide okay, marriages what we want, and then
Speaker 3: we work towards it and everything goes well, then it's like,
Speaker 3: all right, well then what else can we do? What
Speaker 3: else can we build? What else can we create? You know,
Speaker 3: because I'll have that trust that as my partner, he
Speaker 3: is going to do what he said he is going
Speaker 3: to do, There's no question about that. So then this
Speaker 3: guy's the limit.
Speaker 1: What's the what's the other kind of stuff that you
Speaker 1: would build? And he said, oh, what else could we build? Like,
Speaker 1: what's the kind of thing that you'd be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'd be interested in building this?
Speaker 3: Well, I always say I'm going to be a millionaire,
Speaker 3: and I believe it it's going to happen.
Speaker 1: I'm here for it, love it.
Speaker 3: So I want to know how we can make that
Speaker 3: happen for the both of us. You know, if if
Speaker 3: that means invested in more properties or some other type
Speaker 3: of business venture. Let's figure out how we can do that.
Speaker 3: I believe that I want our children to be in
Speaker 3: the best school. That's not best as far as oh
Speaker 3: they have the best ratings, don't There's a lot of
Speaker 3: schools that have good ratings. But what is the best
Speaker 3: place for them based on who they are? And Okay,
Speaker 3: so you know, if we can if we can do
Speaker 3: the marriage thing and make that happen, and we can
Speaker 3: get the financial stability that we desire, we can also
Speaker 3: create a lifestyle for them that is truly you know,
Speaker 3: a beautiful experience for them and where they don't have
Speaker 3: to want for anything. You know, we have a plan
Speaker 3: for their lives and we know what we want them
Speaker 3: to achieve. Now, obviously, you know, kids are kids, and
Speaker 3: they're going to make choices on their own as they
Speaker 3: get older. But right now, at this young age, we
Speaker 3: can set the course for them. So let's figure out
Speaker 3: what that course is. Like, what do we want for them?
Speaker 3: Where do they need to be Do we need to
Speaker 3: be in New Jersey? Do we need to be in
Speaker 3: another state? We could create that, you know, we create
Speaker 3: that lifestyle for them. Do we want to live in
Speaker 3: a farm. Are you know what? Yes? Yes, can we
Speaker 3: can they raise their livestock? Yes?
Speaker 2: Why not?
Speaker 3: Fuck it? Let's do it like it could be. It
Speaker 3: could be anything. You know, if we believe in each
Speaker 3: other and trust in each other and know that each
Speaker 3: person's gonna play that part and pull their own weight,
Speaker 3: you know, the options are limitless. We want to even
Speaker 3: just make sure that we go on vacations once a year,
Speaker 3: like you know what I mean, Like this is whatever
Speaker 3: we decide. If we trust each other, we can do it.
Speaker 1: Okay, So other than the fun part, I'm really excited
Speaker 1: about what you're saying. And that's my own personal you know.
Speaker 3: I know, but you're gonna be there. I'm not gonna
Speaker 3: let you like Elliet going out there give.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you what Ellie is not going to
Speaker 1: do that is get dirty on your farm.
Speaker 3: Okay, oh wow, that's unfortunate.
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just like, you know, here's what is
Speaker 1: not about to happen is I'm not getting dirty on
Speaker 1: your par know you say, but here's what I am
Speaker 1: going to say, Jay, everything you just said, like we
Speaker 1: are working on this, we're building this, and we're you know,
Speaker 1: going on vacations once a year and the kids are
Speaker 1: in the kind of schools that we're pleased with, and
Speaker 1: even living on a farm, regardless of Allia's personal opinions
Speaker 1: about it, How different of a relationship is that compared
Speaker 1: to what y'all had before?
Speaker 3: There would be a shared vision, there would be more cohesion,
Speaker 3: and it would be more unified in what we're doing.
Speaker 3: I feel like right now, like I kind of do
Speaker 3: my thing, he kind of does his thing, but we're
Speaker 3: not necessarily building together, which is kind of along for
Speaker 3: each other's right.
Speaker 1: Would you experience that as like a big change?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely?
Speaker 1: And David, how pleased would you be to be living
Speaker 1: in this future that she's currently describing.
Speaker 3: I don't think he wanted to live on a farm.
Speaker 1: Either, But that's because David's like me, and he's sensible
Speaker 1: and reasonable.
Speaker 2: I would compromise. It probably won't be a farm, but
Speaker 2: she'll definitely have an area so she can do a
Speaker 2: garden and she can grow her vegetables and fruit. Right,
Speaker 2: So that's definitely that. But you know, like, well, the
Speaker 2: my outlook on things, if I'm happy and I'm in
Speaker 2: a good space and you know, my mind is clear,
Speaker 2: you know, like all of them things are amazing, right,
Speaker 2: But none of that is amazing no matter what type
Speaker 2: of farm it is, no matter what type of house,
Speaker 2: what type of school, if you're not in a good
Speaker 2: space mentally or together. Right, So if everything is clicking
Speaker 2: on all cylinders, nothing is going to be one hundred percent.
Speaker 2: But if everything is on the upside, it's looking good
Speaker 2: and things are being handled, Yeah, that all sounds amazing,
Speaker 2: absolutely all right. I want to raise my boys with
Speaker 2: Jay together in the same house and love up on
Speaker 2: her in front of my boys and stuff like that, though,
Speaker 2: But it's gonna take some time and some behavior changes
Speaker 2: within me and her.
Speaker 1: But yes, absolutely, David, what's the very first step that
Speaker 1: you would be able to take to show her I'm
Speaker 1: on the same mission, dam Like, I don't. I don't
Speaker 1: think you can just you know, pop up tomorrow with
Speaker 1: a with a gazebo and a and an engagement ring.
Speaker 1: But how would she know David is on is on
Speaker 1: like mission marriage? How would she know that?
Speaker 2: I don't know how woish she knows? I mean before
Speaker 2: we even get to that point. I mean, she would
Speaker 2: definitely have to see the other behavior changes and things
Speaker 2: that's going on within myself that it's affecting my change
Speaker 2: of things, that's affecting the family and her in a
Speaker 2: good way before it even happens to go to anything
Speaker 2: with marriage or ring or anything like that. I think
Speaker 2: that's the number one thing, right. I think the marriage thing, yes,
Speaker 2: can definitely happen, but it's a lot of stuff in between.
Speaker 2: Like she just said, like, ah, yeah, cool, I'll be
Speaker 2: happy with the ring though, but then you ain't like
Speaker 2: what happened, Like you said, you ain't having this old
Speaker 2: money you want to go drop it on the ring?
Speaker 2: Like that's not a smart idea to do, right, you
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, So I think everything
Speaker 2: else gotta be going going away, it should be going
Speaker 2: I think different conversations need to be had had. You
Speaker 2: know that got to do with us and then band
Speaker 2: like all right, you know this is where it's at
Speaker 2: the next one. I think that's how she would know.
Speaker 2: That's what needs to happen before we even get to
Speaker 2: that level. Once she starts seeing that, I think then
Speaker 2: everything else she can embrace and accept.
Speaker 1: David, I want to one of the things I want
Speaker 1: to add to that is the first step is the mindset.
Speaker 1: Like when we started this conversation. I don't think and
Speaker 1: because of past experiences, I don't think Jay knew whether
Speaker 1: or not that marriage was something you wanted or not.
Speaker 1: What Jay definitely knew was I'm not in for ten
Speaker 1: more years a girlfriend. So I think the first step
Speaker 1: is showing her the mindset like no, no, no, I
Speaker 1: this is the the thing I desire is your hand
Speaker 1: in marriage. I think that alone would make a difference
Speaker 1: to Jack. I don't think she knew that coming into
Speaker 1: this conversation, and that's clearly very important her. That means stability,
Speaker 1: that means growth, that means family, uh, and these are
Speaker 1: all things that matter a lot to her. And I
Speaker 1: don't think I don't think she wants mission, not marriage.
Speaker 1: I think to her that feels like a waste of time. Jay,
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, does make sense, because marriage is not just
Speaker 3: like oh.
Speaker 4: I love you, that community like you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 4: it's it's a it's it's a joint or joining this,
Speaker 4: you know, And you know, in front of.
Speaker 3: Us, we're saying, this is my person, and I'm going
Speaker 3: to have this person's back, and that is you know, spiritually, emotionally, financially,
Speaker 3: I got their back they got my back and we're
Speaker 3: gonna ride this thing out. Like so if we can
Speaker 3: get to that point that we both truly truly believe
Speaker 3: like this is what we want, that that's a game changer.
Speaker 3: You know. It's like I'm not just here just to
Speaker 3: be here. You know, I could be somewhere else. You
Speaker 3: could be somewhere else, You could be with somebody else.
Speaker 3: And sometimes I wonder, like I'm being honest, like I
Speaker 3: don't know that David really wants to marry me. I
Speaker 3: don't know that he looks at me as that I
Speaker 3: am the one. So if he, you know, made all
Speaker 3: these changes, then I guess I would be convinced, and
Speaker 3: then I my guard could come down because now I'm like, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: so maybe I am the one for him, Like it's
Speaker 3: not just a convenient relationship or a relationship based on
Speaker 3: we've just been here so long, Like this is something
Speaker 3: that he truly wants. And then I could kind of
Speaker 3: go back to those feelings that I have when we
Speaker 3: first met, like, yeah, this is what I want from
Speaker 3: him too. But you know, the guard is the guard
Speaker 3: is up so high right now, it's like it's hard
Speaker 3: for me to see it.
Speaker 1: David. Do you hear what she's saying? Mm hmm, like
Speaker 1: she's saying, she's saying there are times I think she
Speaker 1: actually used the phrase like this is a relationship of convenience.
Speaker 1: But I want to know I'm the one. I want
Speaker 1: to know that, like he wants to marry me. That's
Speaker 1: why I'm saying it's actually not about the ring tomorrow.
Speaker 1: It's about her knowing he like I am his one
Speaker 1: and his mindset and ship.
Speaker 2: Yes, but it's definitely not all me. It's definitely tenfold, right,
Speaker 2: So like do I do do I? I don't know
Speaker 2: if Jayleen will want to marry me? Right, I don't
Speaker 2: know that either. Okay, I'm not saying that. You know,
Speaker 2: this a whole entire relationship. It hasn't just been David David,
Speaker 2: David David David, right, So like I don't know, there's
Speaker 2: been points in time in this relationship. I don't know
Speaker 2: which way we was gonna go. There's been things that
Speaker 2: have happened in this relationship out of like I don't
Speaker 2: question myself, right, she don't question herself. So it's a
Speaker 2: group effort. It's not that David don't want to do this.
Speaker 2: David don't want to feel like he doesn't want to
Speaker 2: be in this relationship. David, just don't feel like it's
Speaker 2: a convenient thing. That's not just all it is. It's
Speaker 2: a lot of things that played into it. Into this factor. Absolutely,
Speaker 2: I talked about it a lot in the beginning, Yes
Speaker 2: I did. I brung it up, absolutely, and then you know,
Speaker 2: years went on, things don't happen, things were said in
Speaker 2: the relationship, and you know, I probably you know, shed
Speaker 2: away from that, stop talking about it as much. You
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, because I was looking at things
Speaker 2: a little differently now. But we hear and it's time
Speaker 2: to address whatever it needs to be addressed. Time to
Speaker 2: you know, start working. That's the thing that we both want.
Speaker 2: If we both want this right, then you know, it's
Speaker 2: steps that we both have to take to get to
Speaker 2: that level. Now, once we get to that point, I
Speaker 2: know as the main that I got to go a
Speaker 2: couple more steps, because that's what a man is supposed
Speaker 2: to do, right, But we both got to get to
Speaker 2: that level first before we start taking the mother steps.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, But I think the first step is letting her
Speaker 1: know that's actually what you want.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But I gotta look but like, how do I
Speaker 2: know that's what she wants? Well?
Speaker 1: Number one, because she just.
Speaker 3: I literally had to said it too, like everything that
Speaker 3: you just said over the last sixty seconds, Like Brett,
Speaker 3: Like what the fuck? I'm trying not to get upset.
Speaker 3: I really don't want to get upset. But you you're saying, Okay,
Speaker 3: you started off the relationship talking about marriage. Things happen,
Speaker 3: and that shifted your perspective. Okay, but those things happen
Speaker 3: as a result mostly because of your your in our
Speaker 3: early stages of relationship. You didn't convince me that you
Speaker 3: were dependable. You did you like you don't want it.
Speaker 3: That brought it up. So you should have been serious
Speaker 3: from that moment, because why are you even talking about
Speaker 3: marriage if you're not serious about it. Being serious and
Speaker 3: being serious about marriage is not just talking about it
Speaker 3: saying I want to put the things in place so
Speaker 3: that I can make this woman my wife, and you
Speaker 3: chose not to do that. So like, yeah, we both
Speaker 3: got to work on it. Yeah, we both got to
Speaker 3: work towards it. But you gotta convince me now because
Speaker 3: I was convinced in the beginning.
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to add something which I think is
Speaker 1: what David was saying is we both have things to do.
Speaker 1: The other thing I want to add is what's cool
Speaker 1: about this conversation is, regardless of whatever happened in the past,
Speaker 1: we have two people that, if these actions are taken,
Speaker 1: want to be married. So now the task is because
Speaker 1: she believed it in the past and then things changed
Speaker 1: for whatever reason. David, your mission now is to show
Speaker 1: her I want to marry you, and then her reciprocal
Speaker 1: step is to show you I want to be married
Speaker 1: to you. And now we're building in the right direction
Speaker 1: instead of what has been happening in the past.
Speaker 2: Does that make sense, Yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 1: We get into this place where we start thinking about
Speaker 1: and talking about like how we got here. But the
Speaker 1: more important thing is once Jay believes that that's the mission,
Speaker 1: then she on board with the mission. So now David's
Speaker 1: job is to show her. No, that's the mission. Now
Speaker 1: it might be a mission that takes forty two minutes
Speaker 1: forty two days, for that's not the point. The point
Speaker 1: is you're the one I want to marry. I said
Speaker 1: it before and didn't show you. Now let me show you.
Speaker 1: And Jay is saying I would love to reciprocate that
Speaker 1: once I see it and.
Speaker 3: Experience it, you man don't want to marry me.
Speaker 1: I think I think he will show you whether he
Speaker 1: does or doesn't.
Speaker 2: That's crazy. Why do you say that like that? That's like,
Speaker 2: what type of response is that? That's not an encouraging
Speaker 2: response that man don't want to marry me.
Speaker 1: I think I think it's a fine response. You just
Speaker 1: have to show her because what she's saying is I
Speaker 1: don't feel it in my personhood.
Speaker 2: You know. Yeah, we know that right now though, but
Speaker 2: still it's a lot of like, Okay, we just went
Speaker 2: through all of that and then respond to that he
Speaker 2: don't want to marry me like responses that sure, sure.
Speaker 3: Yes, evident, I'm not pulling out out the air, David.
Speaker 1: What would you have said if I told you, man,
Speaker 1: you can't play at Ohio State?
Speaker 2: I told you go look at the film, David. Okay,
Speaker 2: so like that's about you gotta give you something. I'll
Speaker 2: see you said I can't.
Speaker 3: Because that was literally the perfect example. That was a
Speaker 3: perfect example.
Speaker 1: The reason that's a perfect example is you have a
Speaker 1: an unstoppable quality to you. There's a there's a and
Speaker 1: we've talked about it like that, that that arrogance, where
Speaker 1: like anyone doubting you, including Jay, just like triggers this like, fine,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna show you. That's how I want you to respond,
Speaker 1: Like you didn't even miss a beak. If I were
Speaker 1: to say to you you can't do such and such,
Speaker 1: you just went go look at the film, you.
Speaker 2: Know, Like.
Speaker 1: That's that's why I want you to respond. If Jay
Speaker 1: said you can't put up that pergola, watch me do it,
Speaker 1: Like that's your mentality when you do that. I think
Speaker 1: that's the very best version of David right.
Speaker 3: And the reason I say that's a perfect example is
Speaker 3: because if I say that, man, don't want to marry me,
Speaker 3: and you say, look at the film. The film don't
Speaker 3: the film mayn't help it. You know what I'm saying, Like,
Speaker 3: not in this situation.
Speaker 1: I don't want him to say look at the film.
Speaker 1: What I want him to say is look at the
Speaker 1: film I'm about to put on tape, Like look at
Speaker 1: what I'm about to.
Speaker 3: Do Roger that. But the reason I'm saying that is
Speaker 3: because if I'm saying he don't want to marry me,
Speaker 3: he's like, oh, that's a crazy response. No it's not.
Speaker 3: It's not because I am looking at the film from
Speaker 3: the past, so like that's the only thing that I
Speaker 3: can use to lead me to my current.
Speaker 1: Response, right. And the other thing I'm gonna say, so, David,
Speaker 1: I want that to trigger that part of you because
Speaker 1: I think that's David at his very best. And the
Speaker 1: other thing I'm gonna say to you, Jay, is I
Speaker 1: also want you to acknowledge you have an impact on
Speaker 1: him more than any other person. Your encouragement and discouragement
Speaker 1: means a lot to him, and I just want you
Speaker 1: to be aware of that. I'm not sure anyone else
Speaker 1: could impact him in that way, but you can. But David, like,
Speaker 1: that's the mission, Like, that's the purpose. Is the convincer, Oh,
Speaker 1: this dude is serious about me, And once you do
Speaker 1: that unlocks the amazing potential of this relationship. So right now,
Speaker 1: it's just about a mindset.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So over the next week, before we meet again, I
Speaker 1: just want you to think about that mindset, like showing
Speaker 1: her no, I am serious about walking you down that
Speaker 1: aisle one day and making one day a reality. Okay, Okay, makes.
Speaker 2: Sense, makes sense.
Speaker 1: I think some of the necessary components that any couple
Speaker 1: would need to have in order to have a positive
Speaker 1: and healthy relationship is number one. You do have to
Speaker 1: have a shared vision for the future and understand you
Speaker 1: are co constructing that shared vision. And number two, you
Speaker 1: have to understand that your partner's healing, happiness, in fact,
Speaker 1: their life experience, is your responsibility. I've heard so many
Speaker 1: people say like, their happiness is not my job. Yes
Speaker 1: it is. Now. You can't make somebody happy. Your partner
Speaker 1: is not something to be fixed, but you accept the
Speaker 1: responsibility of contrubuting to that person's life. So that means
Speaker 1: I have to understand that I have to create an
Speaker 1: environment where that person can be the best version of themselves.
Speaker 1: They can heal from the things they need to heal from,
Speaker 1: they can experience love, joy, happiness, and all of those
Speaker 1: things in order for a relationship to work. Being in
Speaker 1: a relationship is the most unselfish job you will ever have,
Speaker 1: because you have to devote yourself to that person's lived experience,
Speaker 1: almost without thinking of your own, and knowing that the
Speaker 1: other person will do the same thing. And if you
Speaker 1: can do that, then you have a happy, healthy relationship
Speaker 1: that will not be perfect because this is hard and
Speaker 1: life is long and tricky. Things happen and we know
Speaker 1: we have kids, and we move, and we have financial
Speaker 1: stresses and all the things that we have. But if
Speaker 1: you can understand that it is my responsibility to contribute
Speaker 1: to a shared future where both people are experiencing joy, peace,
Speaker 1: love and happiness, healing and growing together, then you will
Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship going forward. As a result of
Speaker 1: this podcast, people are becoming more and more fascinated and
Speaker 1: interested in solution focused brief therapy, which is the type
Speaker 1: of therapy that I do and what you're experiencing and
Speaker 1: listening to in the Family Therapy podcast. And people ask
Speaker 1: a lot of questions, and one question is is there
Speaker 1: any science to demonstrate that these kind of conversations impact
Speaker 1: brain chemistry or even subconscious connections in humans.
Speaker 2: And the answer is yes.
Speaker 1: There are several studies where we are aware that when
Speaker 1: people have conversations about a hope for future, it literally
Speaker 1: rewires their brain. It changes their very mental makeup in
Speaker 1: measurable ways. So these conversations are not just conversations for
Speaker 1: the sake of behavior change. They actually create deep rooted
Speaker 1: brain changes. And that's why the changes created in this
Speaker 1: approach are so sustainab So human beings have a tendency
Speaker 1: to create patterns and habits regardless if those patterns and
Speaker 1: habits are good for them are healthy for them. These
Speaker 1: cycles become embedded in our personalities or even in our
Speaker 1: subconscious minds. How do we recognize these patterns in order
Speaker 1: to create change, Well, you have to be aware and
Speaker 1: measure outcomes as opposed to comfort. The reason why human
Speaker 1: beings have these patterns is because most of us seek
Speaker 1: out comfort, not seek out positive outcomes. And we have
Speaker 1: to be able to say, even though this action is
Speaker 1: comfortable to me, we have to be to ask ourselves
Speaker 1: is it good for me? Is the outcome something I
Speaker 1: experience as desirous from doing that thing? And if the
Speaker 1: answer is no, then we have to do one of
Speaker 1: the most unnatural things for us in the human experience,
Speaker 1: and that is intentionally do something that will make you uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: Just change. And a lot of times we have habits
Speaker 1: like drinking. For example, if you were raised in a
Speaker 1: home and every Sunday your mom, dad, aunts, and uncles
Speaker 1: sat around watching football drinking beer, you will likely turn
Speaker 1: into an adult that does that same thing. You have
Speaker 1: to ask yourself is this working for me? Is it
Speaker 1: causing the type of life and outcomes and experiences that
Speaker 1: I want to continue in my life. And if the
Speaker 1: answer is no, you have to accept I'm doing that
Speaker 1: because I was comfortable doing it. I now have to
Speaker 1: do something that makes me uncomfortable, and that has change.
Speaker 1: It's surprising how many times a relationship becomes unhealthy because
Speaker 1: somebody over negotiated. And the way that it happens is
Speaker 1: like someone who is a city person and they were
Speaker 1: born in and grew up in, you know, Manhattan, like
Speaker 1: New York City, and they meet and fall in love
Speaker 1: with someone from rural Texas, and because they love that
Speaker 1: person so much, they decide to leave the hustle and
Speaker 1: bustle of New York City and move to a farm
Speaker 1: in Texas. And what ends up happening is, over the
Speaker 1: course of time, you start resenting your partner because you're
Speaker 1: not living in an environment that's congruent to you. So
Speaker 1: many relationships, you over negotiate things that matter, and later
Speaker 1: on down the road there is a heavy, very expensive
Speaker 1: price to pay for that. We've got to have the
Speaker 1: ability to say I love you and I want life
Speaker 1: to work, but I'm a city person and you're a
Speaker 1: country person. And maybe that's not meant to be. Maybe
Speaker 1: we can live some of the time in one and
Speaker 1: some of the time and the other, but in one
Speaker 1: way or another, I have to honor who I am,
Speaker 1: and I have to allow you to honor who you are.
Speaker 1: Relationships get themselves into trouble more often than not because
Speaker 1: they over negotiate things that mattered to and in fact
Speaker 1: people do, like how many times has there been somebody
Speaker 1: that's just wildly creative, Like they're an artist or they're
Speaker 1: a musician, They're just like wildly creative, and their parents
Speaker 1: tell them things like you'll never make a living doing that,
Speaker 1: and they force them to become like an accountant or something.
Speaker 1: Those people experience massive mental health issues and we diagnose
Speaker 1: them with anxiety or depression, But the actual truth is
Speaker 1: you're living a life incongruent to your personhood that plays
Speaker 1: itself out in relationships and it plays itself out in
Speaker 1: our individual lives as well. It's really really important to
Speaker 1: ask yourself different questions on your healing journey. So for
Speaker 1: the next few weeks, I will ask you a question
Speaker 1: at the end of each episode to hopefully inspire your
Speaker 1: inner superhero. This week, it's really about relationships. So all
Speaker 1: of you in relationships, I want you to sit down
Speaker 1: with your partner and ask an incredibly important question that
Speaker 1: I'm betting most of you did not ask. And what
Speaker 1: I want you to ask is what do we want
Speaker 1: our lives to look like five years in the future.
Speaker 1: And I want you to answer that question from an
Speaker 1: outcome perspective. And what I mean by that is not
Speaker 1: necessarily I want a three bedroom house by then, but
Speaker 1: I want to be experiencing happiness, joy and peace, and
Speaker 1: come up with a list of all of the things
Speaker 1: that you would like to be experiencing in your life
Speaker 1: that we would identify as outcomes. And then separately, I
Speaker 1: want each partner to make a list of twenty things
Speaker 1: that you would notice about your partner during those five
Speaker 1: years that let you know you're moving towards that outcome. So,
Speaker 1: for example, as we start building a life where there's
Speaker 1: happiness present, I would see my partner smiling more. I
Speaker 1: would see my partner working out when my partner's really
Speaker 1: happy she works out, Or I would see my partner
Speaker 1: cookie more when my partner's in a really good rhythm
Speaker 1: of life. They do meal prepping instead of fast food
Speaker 1: like whatever the signs would be. So come up with
Speaker 1: a consensus of what outcome we are creating, and then
Speaker 1: twenty signs that let you know that your lives are
Speaker 1: moving in that direction. What doing something like this will do.
Speaker 1: It will train your senses to notice those signs, and
Speaker 1: that is actually how you manifest things into reality by
Speaker 1: paying attention to them. Most people make the mistake they
Speaker 1: don't think about what they're trying to create and then
Speaker 1: thus create it. They think about what they're trying to avoid,
Speaker 1: but then they never really figure out what they're creating.
Speaker 1: So if we try to build a life where we're
Speaker 1: not unhappy, it's a very different experience in trying to
Speaker 1: create a life when we are happy. To give you
Speaker 1: a better example, when I was a kid, I was
Speaker 1: really good at baseball. And one of the things that
Speaker 1: helped me go from being bad at baseball to being
Speaker 1: good at baseball is in my younger years, I was
Speaker 1: really afraid of striking out. So before I went up
Speaker 1: to bad I would say to myself, don't trick out,
Speaker 1: don't strike out, don't trick out. I didn't become good
Speaker 1: at baseball until I realized the goal isn't to not
Speaker 1: strike out. The goal is to get a hit, So
Speaker 1: my ambitions at everyett back became get a hit, get
Speaker 1: a hit, get a hit. In relationships, we have to
Speaker 1: have the same idea. The goal isn't to just be
Speaker 1: happy or to just be not unhappy. The goal is
Speaker 1: to be happy. So we have to focus on the
Speaker 1: pathway and co creation of happiness. And that's what this
Speaker 1: kind of question is designed to help you do. This
Speaker 1: is not just a podcast that I want you to
Speaker 1: consume and be entertained by. I actually want you to
Speaker 1: be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by
Speaker 1: the content we consume. So what I would like for
Speaker 1: you to do is come on this healing journey with us.
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And
Speaker 1: the way to do that is to just pay attention
Speaker 1: to the things going on in your life as a
Speaker 1: consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things
Speaker 1: in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay
Speaker 1: attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention
Speaker 1: to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength,
Speaker 1: and let us know in the comments what you noticing
Speaker 1: in your life as a result of listening to this
Speaker 1: podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,
Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,
Speaker 1: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you
Speaker 1: can also send me a text message to nine seven
Speaker 1: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.
Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by
Speaker 1: Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S Fisher.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The
Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider antient relationship. It is advisable to
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have.