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Speaker 1: Hi. I'm Elia Connie, host of The Family Therapy Podcast,

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Speaker 1: a Black Effect original series where each week, real families

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Speaker 1: with real lives have real conversations. In celebration of BIPOC

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Speaker 1: Mental Health Awareness Mound, we're inviting you to participate in

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Speaker 1: your own live session Join me live on Black Effects

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Speaker 1: Instagram on Wednesday, July seventeenth. We're doing this event to

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Speaker 1: highlight the importance of mental health within BIPOC communities and

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Speaker 1: to provide a space where you can share your experiences

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Speaker 1: and receive guidance. Attendees can expect a safe and supportive

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Speaker 1: environment where we'll engage in open, honest conversations. Whether you're

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Speaker 1: facing personal challenges or seeking to strengthen family bonds, this

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Speaker 1: event is for you. Please note participation is on a

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Speaker 1: first come, first serve basis, so be sure to arrive

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Speaker 1: early and engage respectfully. If you're interested in joining a

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Speaker 1: guided conversation with me, send a direct message or DM

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Speaker 1: to The Black Effect and confirm your participation before we

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Speaker 1: get into this episode. There has been a lot of

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Speaker 1: conversations around politics, given the recent debate and some of

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Speaker 1: the Project twenty five stuff and some of the other

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Speaker 1: things going on in the world, and I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about how does the climate of politics as we're

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Speaker 1: currently experiencing it affect our mental health. I think it's

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Speaker 1: really important to acknowledge that some of the things going

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Speaker 1: on in the world create fear, anxiety, and depression. The

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Speaker 1: way America is going and the way the Conservative Republicans

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Speaker 1: want to transition America and remove some of the rights

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Speaker 1: that we have been fighting for for so long literally

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Speaker 1: creates anxiety amongst people of color, amongst women, and we

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Speaker 1: fear that our rights are going to be taken away

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Speaker 1: from us. And it's not a it's a fear that

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Speaker 1: they're actually telling us they're going to do these things.

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Speaker 1: So the most likely response is a response of fear

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Speaker 1: and anxiety. I think back to twenty twenty and the

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Speaker 1: very tumultuous year that it was, and not just with COVID,

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Speaker 1: but with all of the things going on from a

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Speaker 1: social justice perspective, and I think about George Floyd, and

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Speaker 1: I think about Amman Aubrey, and I think about the

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Speaker 1: Black Lives Matter movement and all of those things that

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Speaker 1: are happening. And I'll never forget my mother experiencing anxiety,

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Speaker 1: as my mother is the parent of three African American men,

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Speaker 1: and she actually worried that her three sons would die

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Speaker 1: at the hands of some sort of a riot or

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Speaker 1: some sort of an encounter with police. I had never

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Speaker 1: seen that fear on my mother's face. I'd never heard

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Speaker 1: that fear in my mother's voice until the administration that

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Speaker 1: was in place at the time was rolling back certain

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Speaker 1: protection and certain things related to civil rights and social

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Speaker 1: justice that was causing it upheaval in society. That literally

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Speaker 1: caused her to fear losing one of her children in

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Speaker 1: that environment. So now we have the same politicians that

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Speaker 1: were fighting for the White House at that time doing

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Speaker 1: it again, and there is a fear and an anxiety

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Speaker 1: if the former President Trump becomes a president again, we're

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Speaker 1: going to go back to that level of roll back again.

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Speaker 1: He's told us overtly this is going to happen. There's

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Speaker 1: a fear that we're going to go back to that

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Speaker 1: level of upheaval, and people of color are not always

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Speaker 1: safe in an environment like that. So we absolutely have

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Speaker 1: to be aware that our mental health is impacted by

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Speaker 1: what happens politically, by how much news we consume and

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Speaker 1: what we understand about what's going on in that news,

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Speaker 1: and we have to also be active participants in democracy,

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Speaker 1: because that is actually how you would dress that mental

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Speaker 1: health fear. That is actually how you address the fear

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Speaker 1: being created by this environment. Is we have to become

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Speaker 1: active participants in the democracy and exercise the rights that

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Speaker 1: so many of our African American ancestors have fought for

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Speaker 1: so that we don't have to worry about someone like

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Speaker 1: President Trump regaining office and doing the things that he

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Speaker 1: has promised he would do, because our vote and the

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Speaker 1: power of our vote would be impactful. If every African

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Speaker 1: American went to vote, we would be forcing the politicians

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Speaker 1: to attend to our agenda. But the truth is we

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Speaker 1: are underrepresented at the polls, and mostly because I think

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Speaker 1: we have a level of indifference about what happens in

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Speaker 1: these elections, and we need to instead have a level

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Speaker 1: of empowerment and respect the process that it took for

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Speaker 1: us to get the right to vote. That's the only

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Speaker 1: way to force these politicians to attend to us. It's

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Speaker 1: the only way to guarantee that no politician will ever

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Speaker 1: take office again and roll back our rights, and it's

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Speaker 1: the only way to address our mental health. We experience

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Speaker 1: mental health crisis. And this is just unilaterally, this is

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Speaker 1: not just in a political climate, but it's just kind

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Speaker 1: of a rule of thumb. When we are in an

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Speaker 1: environment where we experience it is like we're helpless, like

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Speaker 1: we're just kind of along for the ride, we tend

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Speaker 1: to suffer from a mental health perspective. So the antidote

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Speaker 1: to that, the solution to that is empowerment. It's participation.

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Speaker 1: So if you're in an environment where you feel like

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Speaker 1: things are happening around you, you don't have any control over it,

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Speaker 1: the way to solve that is to engage in things

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Speaker 1: that give you the perception of control, that gives you

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Speaker 1: the perception of influence.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: An example of that was my mental health was struggling

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Speaker 1: as a child. I was in an environment where my

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Speaker 1: father was really aggressive, mean and abusive, and I was

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Speaker 1: just kind of subjected to his mean and abusive behaviors.

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Speaker 1: When I learned that once I graduated my school, I

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Speaker 1: can go live in a college door room, that to

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Speaker 1: me sounded like safety, Like that sounded like an escape.

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Speaker 1: So my participation in that future was studying and getting

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Speaker 1: good enough grades that I could get into college. You see,

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Speaker 1: So once we feel like we are participating in the

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Speaker 1: reality instead of just being subjected to it, then we

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Speaker 1: tend to improve our mental health even if the problem

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Speaker 1: still persists. So I encourage everybody to get out and vote,

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Speaker 1: because we need to participate in this democracy so that

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Speaker 1: we don't have this democracy participating upon us. Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliot Khanni, and as usual,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna keep asking you guys this every single episode.

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Speaker 1: As long as you can hear my voice, you're gonna

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Speaker 1: hear me asking this question. And it's not just for

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Speaker 1: me doing it. It's actually because I want to shift

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Speaker 1: your perspective and have you focus on the things in

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Speaker 1: your life that bring you joy, peace, love and happiness.

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Speaker 1: If you don't attend to them intentionally, then you've missed them,

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Speaker 1: and that is what's been better since you last listened

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Speaker 1: to the previous episode. Just take a minute and just

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Speaker 1: think what have you enjoyed in your life since you

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Speaker 1: listened to the previous episode. I promise just doing that

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Speaker 1: exercise and thinking about things that you enjoyed will make

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Speaker 1: a difference in your life. People often ask in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: is it necessary to heal as individuals before healing the relationship,

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Speaker 1: and the most common answer is people say yes, like

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Speaker 1: I have to be healed in order to participate in

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Speaker 1: a relationship. But the simple truth is that's actually not accurate.

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Speaker 1: When you enter into a relationship, you are agreeing to

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Speaker 1: co construct an environment with your partner, and that environment

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Speaker 1: it should be warm, comfortable, nurturing and healing to that partner. Now,

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Speaker 1: I wanna say this with a caveat, like it's not

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Speaker 1: my job to fix people, but there really is no

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Speaker 1: such thing as healed. Healing is a process, and all

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Speaker 1: of us have been through something, and all of us

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Speaker 1: have scars, wounds, traumas, and things that are impacting us.

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Speaker 1: So it is our responsibility when we get into a

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Speaker 1: relationship with a partner is to create an environment that

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Speaker 1: facilitates their healing. If we continue to hold onto the

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Speaker 1: perspective that I can't really get into a relationship to

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Speaker 1: till I'm healed, you'll never be ready and you'll never

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Speaker 1: be able to get into a relationship because there really

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Speaker 1: is no such thing as fully healed. You will always

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Speaker 1: carry those scars and wounds. They will always be sensitive spots,

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Speaker 1: and they will always be trigger points. So the goal

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Speaker 1: is to get into relationship with somebody that helps you

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Speaker 1: co constructive reality that facilitates your continued healing. Now, if

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Speaker 1: that is not happening, perhaps that is not the right

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Speaker 1: partner for you. But it is important to realize that

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Speaker 1: every relationship that I'm in should be a relationship that

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Speaker 1: facilitates my healing, in a relationship that helps me grow

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Speaker 1: and become the better version of myself within the confines

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Speaker 1: of that relationship. This week's session highlights a conversation with

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Speaker 1: Jay and David as they become aware of the shifts

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Speaker 1: in their communication and the need to see a shared

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Speaker 1: vision to move forward. How are you guys doing. What's

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Speaker 1: been going well between the two of you recently?

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Speaker 3: I'm doing good. That's going well. David put up a

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Speaker 3: pergola for me, so that's going good. I'm happy about that.

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Speaker 1: Very cool, Okay, David, do you enjoy doing that kind

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Speaker 1: of thing?

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Speaker 2: It was cool because you know, it's like a sense

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Speaker 2: of a sense of accomplishment, like I was able to

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Speaker 2: get it done and it's up and it's working properly

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Speaker 2: and all that stuff. It's finishing up some little touches

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Speaker 2: to it, that's all.

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Speaker 1: It was cool, Okay. What else, what else we're going

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Speaker 1: well between two of you.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what's been going well.

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Speaker 3: I mean the same things that's been going well. I

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Speaker 3: feel like the communication is good. We're helping each other

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Speaker 3: and in the ways that we can.

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Speaker 1: Okay, what's happening that makes you think the communication is

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Speaker 1: going well?

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Speaker 2: Well?

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Speaker 3: I guess things like putting up the pergola, like I

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Speaker 3: wanted it, I bought it, you put it up. I'm

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Speaker 3: really happy about this pargola.

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Speaker 1: That's like your favorite thing right now.

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Speaker 3: It really is because I love being outside, So if

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Speaker 3: I can be outside with a proper shade, I'm happy.

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Speaker 1: Well, that's got to be good. It's starting to warm

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Speaker 1: up there.

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Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, it is, okay. I mean, you know, communication

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Speaker 3: is not perfect, but you know, we talk to each

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Speaker 3: other and that's fine.

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Speaker 1: Okay. Now, David, what about you? She said, She's she's

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Speaker 1: responded so far. What about What have you noticed that

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Speaker 1: you've been pleased with?

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Speaker 2: I probably have to say the same thing as communication.

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Speaker 2: You have been communicating a little bit better.

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Speaker 1: David. You you had mentioned in a previous conversation. And

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Speaker 1: I'm only bringing this up because both of you have

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Speaker 1: said communication and David, you had mentioned a previous conversation

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Speaker 1: that you're not really arguing anymore. Is that right?

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Speaker 2: True?

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Speaker 3: We don't never argue, I mean, we rarely argue. I

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Speaker 3: don't feel like I know, communication has been brought up

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Speaker 3: in the past, but I really don't feel like our

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Speaker 3: ability to communicate with each other is necessarily been like

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Speaker 3: attention point. I don't know that we necessarily well. I mean,

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Speaker 3: I guess we don't really listen to each other that well.

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Speaker 3: But our willingness to speak, or at least my willingness

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Speaker 3: to speak about stuff, is never been like a challenge

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Speaker 3: really because we get along, so we're not like an

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Speaker 3: argumentative type of unit like I would. Maybe we probably

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Speaker 3: don't speak up as much as we could, but I

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Speaker 3: don't feel like argument has ever been an issue. We've

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Speaker 3: had some moments where arguments have come up, but that's

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Speaker 3: not a norm for us, Okay.

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Speaker 2: I think it's Yes, it's not like we don't argue. Well,

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Speaker 2: let me say, I feel like it's more like it's

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Speaker 2: not a lot of biggering, you know, or plaining things

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Speaker 2: of that nature, you know. I think that's that's I

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Speaker 2: haven't we haven't been dealing with that lately for a

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Speaker 2: little bit now. And that's why, you know, I feel

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Speaker 2: like that's a little sense of relief too, because there's

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Speaker 2: not a lot of back and forth and knit picking

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Speaker 2: and blah blah blah blah blah blah. If you don't

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Speaker 2: like something, you just say. If I don't like something, I

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Speaker 2: just say something needs to be done, we just try

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Speaker 2: to do it, or whatever the case may be. I mean,

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Speaker 2: my on my end is just like enough is enough,

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Speaker 2: Just go ahead and do that shit. Like I know,

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Speaker 2: you gotta say something like in my head, that's what

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Speaker 2: I'm saying. I was like, bro, just go ahead and

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Speaker 2: do it right, or go ahead, well whatever whatever it is.

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Speaker 2: If it's something that has to be done physically, just

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Speaker 2: go ahead and go do it. You know. Like for

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Speaker 2: an example, yesterday we both was running around. We both

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Speaker 2: kind of tired. She had a call or whatever. I

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Speaker 2: was about to take a call or something like that.

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Speaker 2: You know, the dishes need to be washed. She came in.

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Speaker 2: She was like, oh, you beat me to it. I

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Speaker 2: was like, yep, but I already knew it. I saw

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Speaker 2: the food out, I already knew what it needed to

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Speaker 2: be done. The dishes needed to be done, and I

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Speaker 2: know Jayalen don't like washing dishes and I don't need

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Speaker 2: it though, But something as small as that she came

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Speaker 2: in in it was already done. I know. She was

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Speaker 2: like thank you, like you know what I'm saying, like yeah,

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Speaker 2: but you know, I feel like that's what it is.

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Speaker 1: That's amazing, Okay, cool. And I only brought it up

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Speaker 1: Jay because it was it was mentioned and clearly there's

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Speaker 1: been a shift in the communication. Are you enjoying it?

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Speaker 3: Jake, I don't really see the major shifts, so I

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Speaker 3: don't know. Maybe I'm missing something.

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Speaker 1: I asked what's been better? And both of you said communication,

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Speaker 1: So something must have shifted.

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Speaker 3: We said, what's been going good? And I feel like,

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Speaker 3: but it's not necessarily better, it's just we've never had it,

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Speaker 3: like I feel like the communication is continuing. Well, I

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Speaker 3: guess that's that's my position on it. I don't feel

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Speaker 3: like we've ever had like major communication issues. But that's

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Speaker 3: just my perspective. Maybe for David he said bickering or

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Speaker 3: kind of like you know, that type of communication, maybe

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Speaker 3: that has been the case in the past on my end,

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Speaker 3: and I just wasn't that cognizant of it. But like

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Speaker 3: the only The challenge I think that we have with

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Speaker 3: communication is the listening. And I don't know that we

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Speaker 3: necessarily listen to each other better. Maybe we do, I

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Speaker 3: don't know, But if there was any communication issue, I

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Speaker 3: would say, is the listening part not necessarily arguing?

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Speaker 1: Got you okay? Excellent? Both? Your favorite question? What are

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Speaker 1: you hoping we can get accomplished today? I knew I

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Speaker 1: knew it, I knew it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, I guess for me, I think we should explore,

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Speaker 3: like what what things look like after this? So like,

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Speaker 3: once we're finished with with your with the therapy with you,

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Speaker 3: what the two of what are the two of us

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Speaker 3: going to do? Are we going to get another therapist?

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Speaker 3: Or are we going to try to continue therapy with you?

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Speaker 1: Are we you're happy you?

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Speaker 2: No?

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Speaker 1: No, no, you're happy to continue with me? I'd be

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Speaker 1: happy to do that.

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Speaker 3: That would be beautiful. So that is one of the

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Speaker 3: things I wanted to discuss. So, like, is that something

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Speaker 3: that you want to do, David? Like do we feel

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Speaker 3: it's necessary? And if we do feel it's necessary, like

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Speaker 3: why what do we want? Like what's the end goal?

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Speaker 3: What are we trying to achieve?

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Speaker 1: That's my question, Jay, right.

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Speaker 2: I mean yeah, I would definitely love to continue. That's

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Speaker 2: one too. I still think it's some more things that

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Speaker 2: has to be addressed or you know, dig a little

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Speaker 2: deeper on certain topics. The end, I don't know the better,

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Speaker 2: Like we say, all my one on one is the

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Speaker 2: best version of yourself to help come together so we

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Speaker 2: can be the best version of each other. I feel.

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Speaker 3: Sure enough.

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Speaker 2: I really don't. I feel like we're not going to

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Speaker 2: graduate next week. I think we still got a couple

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Speaker 2: more things that has to be done before graduation.

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Speaker 1: So okay, like what what would you like to see done?

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Speaker 1: And who knows next week a thousand weeks, but what's

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Speaker 1: the here's what I'd like to see accomplished between the

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Speaker 1: two of us.

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Speaker 2: I just feel like if today was our last session,

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Speaker 2: I probably have questions Like if today was our last

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Speaker 2: one and then you know, me and Jay were sitting

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Speaker 2: there we talking, I feel like we will probably come

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Speaker 2: to a conclusion or things would get things would be

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Speaker 2: brought up like yeah, we didn't hit dad, or you know,

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Speaker 2: I think it's some more brainstorming that needs to be

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Speaker 2: done to see I just don't think that if today

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Speaker 2: was the last one, we're like, oh, thank you guys,

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Speaker 2: I you know, wonderful experience blah blah blah. I feel like,

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Speaker 2: do we need another two three sessions? What you think?

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Speaker 2: Like you know? And then we'll probably ask each other why.

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Speaker 2: Like that's a good topic, let's write that down, let's

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Speaker 2: sell Elliott about it.

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Speaker 3: So what would be the first two topics on your list?

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Speaker 3: I don't know, Yes, you do, be honest.

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Speaker 1: My job.

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Speaker 3: I'm sorry, I'm trying to pull it out, like just say.

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Speaker 1: What Jay, I will. So I'm gonna I'm gonna accuse

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Speaker 1: you of doing my job, but I'm also gonna accuse

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Speaker 1: you of doing it pretty well. Actually, shut the hell up.

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Speaker 1: I would never say that. But I'm over here thinking

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Speaker 1: what y'all will need me? You doing it? But she

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Speaker 1: asked a really good question day, like what would be

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Speaker 1: like on the top of the list? Like here are

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Speaker 1: the things I'd like to give dress? She said, top

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Speaker 1: to But like just what what?

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Speaker 2: What?

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Speaker 1: What comes to the top of your mind? Mmmm?

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I gotta think, David, I gotta think

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Speaker 2: what's comes to the top of your mind? I'm thinking the.

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Speaker 3: Time of my mind? No, you know the answer for you,

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Speaker 3: I know the answer for me. But but I'd rather

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Speaker 3: you say yours because I don't want you to change

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Speaker 3: your answers on.

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Speaker 2: What I say. Good change nothing. I don't know. I

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Speaker 2: don't know the change. I gotta know that. I gotta

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Speaker 2: know what I want to say to change it. I

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Speaker 2: don't know, So I'm not going to change it is

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Speaker 2: nothing to change.

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Speaker 1: But I think she's afraid to influence your answer.

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Speaker 2: She's not going to influence my answer.

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Speaker 3: If you don't know, if you don't have an answer,

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Speaker 3: it's easy to influence something that don't exist. But you

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Speaker 3: know an answer though. That's the part that I'm.

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Speaker 1: Let me start with j.

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Speaker 3: All right, fuck it. The topics that I think are

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Speaker 3: still kind of they need to be flushed out a

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Speaker 3: little bit more. The goal of the relationship, Like what

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Speaker 3: are we working towards? Is this still on the path

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Speaker 3: of co parenting living separately? Like do you want to

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Speaker 3: be in a relationship with me? Do I want to

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Speaker 3: be a relationship with you? How are we helping each

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Speaker 3: other on our journey to being these better people? How

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Speaker 3: does that trickle down to our children and then to

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Speaker 3: our parenting when we see each other in the next

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Speaker 3: year five years. Kind of the same topics that's always

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Speaker 3: been on the table.

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Speaker 1: Okay, David, So what is what are you hoping will address.

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Speaker 2: Those? Right there? The topics that Jim said, It's like,

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Speaker 2: those are the ones that I feel like, you know

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Speaker 2: that we probably will hit or we need to hit those,

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Speaker 2: But that was a given because I feel like those

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Speaker 2: was never addressed anyway. But me personally is yeah, do

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Speaker 2: we still want to Like I'm not trying to take

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Speaker 2: an answer though, but I still like, which way are

365
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Speaker 2: we going? What are we working tours? Me personally, I

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Speaker 2: feel like, you know, with changes and trying to be

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Speaker 2: the best version of me, it can help me get

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Speaker 2: to being the best version for us? Do we want

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Speaker 2: to like it? Like it is a true statement? Do

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Speaker 2: we want to be back in a relationship? Like how

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Speaker 2: do is that something that I want to be done?

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Speaker 2: Or is it time for us to just go our

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Speaker 2: separate ways or whatever the case may be. Like that's

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Speaker 2: that's a real question, and you know, and then they

375
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Speaker 2: just get down to like the code parents and stuff

376
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Speaker 2: like that gotta happen. But at the end of the day,

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Speaker 2: like I told you, Elliott, I feel like, you know,

378
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Speaker 2: if I'm going down this journey doing everything I need

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Speaker 2: to do, and you know, some of the the benefits

380
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Speaker 2: of that is, you know, maybe gaining our relationship back.

381
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Speaker 2: If that happens, yes, that's good, you know, while addressing

382
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Speaker 2: some of these other things. If that does not happen, right,

383
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Speaker 2: how will I? How would Jay or me handle that?

384
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Speaker 2: But I feel like if we are at that point

385
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Speaker 2: that we the better version of ourselves, then we can

386
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Speaker 2: handle whatever result is at the end. That's because it

387
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Speaker 2: ain't the result that we was planning for. It don't

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Speaker 2: mean that it's a bad thing because we're in a

389
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Speaker 2: different our mindset is different compared to what it was

390
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Speaker 2: months ago or a year ago, or whatever the case

391
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Speaker 2: may be. I think it's still some lingering, little probably

392
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Speaker 2: anger that might still be lingering. It could be little

393
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Speaker 2: one whoever part could be big on whoether part do?

394
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Speaker 2: I still think is some of that out there a

395
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Speaker 2: little bit right? And I feel like once all of

396
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:12,119
Speaker 2: that is clear and you're feeling, you know, both of

397
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:15,560
Speaker 2: us are feeling one hundred and twenty percent better with ourselves,

398
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Speaker 2: healing within ourselves, then I think, like, you know, if

399
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Speaker 2: we come back and meet in the middle, it would

400
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Speaker 2: be excellent. If we don't, I still think it's gonna

401
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 2: be a good thing because we're gonna be in a

402
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Speaker 2: different mindset for ourselves. That's it.

403
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Speaker 1: Let's let's pretend for a minute Jay's not here. What

404
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Speaker 1: do you want in your like most idealistic brain, Like

405
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Speaker 1: would you like a relationship with Jay? Would like would

406
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Speaker 1: you like to move in that direction? And that be

407
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Speaker 1: the thing that gets accomplished? Not even wondering, not even

408
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Speaker 1: worried about how at the moment, but like, is that

409
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Speaker 1: the thing you'd want?

410
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Speaker 2: Yes?

411
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Speaker 1: Okay? And and Jay, I'd ask you the same question, like,

412
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Speaker 1: pretend Dave is not here in the most idealistic way,

413
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Speaker 1: not thinking about how at the moment, but just if

414
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Speaker 1: that's the thing that we're to be accomplished, is that

415
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Speaker 1: what you would want?

416
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Speaker 3: You mean, like right now or no?

417
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Speaker 1: Just six months in that direction? Yeah, maybe tomorrow, maybe

418
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Speaker 1: a month from now, maybe ten years from now. But

419
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Speaker 1: just like if that's the ultimate thing that gets accomplished,

420
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Speaker 1: is that what you would want?

421
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,679
Speaker 3: I can't say concretely yes or no.

422
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Speaker 1: And I'm only asking this because like sitting on the fence,

423
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Speaker 1: sitting in the middle is usually an uncomfortable space. So

424
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Speaker 1: what is getting in the way of being like yes,

425
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Speaker 1: I want to move in that direction, And again we're

426
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Speaker 1: not talking about how yet. I and I understand if

427
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Speaker 1: we are moving that direction, there's some things we got

428
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Speaker 1: to over come, some things we got to achieve, and

429
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:05,800
Speaker 1: all that. But what's the barrier to being able to say, yes,

430
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Speaker 1: I want to move in that direction or no? I

431
00:26:08,119 --> 00:26:09,200
Speaker 1: absolutely don't.

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Speaker 3: Well, when David talks about, you know, they're being anger

433
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Speaker 3: that we might both have for each other, I would

434
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Speaker 3: say that, yeah, I do have, you know, resentment, because

435
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Speaker 3: I feel like we've been doing this for ten years

436
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Speaker 3: and I still feel like he's wasted my time in

437
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,879
Speaker 3: some ways. So I would have to feel confident moving

438
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,879
Speaker 3: forward that he's no longer wasted my time, that he

439
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:43,919
Speaker 3: is serious about the relationship, serious about marriage, and I

440
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:48,199
Speaker 3: don't see that yet. I think he absolutely cares, and

441
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,080
Speaker 3: I think we both actually care about each other. I

442
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,399
Speaker 3: don't know that. I don't know that he wants to

443
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,560
Speaker 3: marry me. I know he says that he said it

444
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:03,359
Speaker 3: in the past, but I don't feel like his actions

445
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:07,960
Speaker 3: have kind of aligned with that. So I have no

446
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 3: intentions on being someone's girlfriend for another ten years. So

447
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,960
Speaker 3: it's like, if that's not you know, a concrete thing

448
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,159
Speaker 3: that we're working towards. Then it's hard for me to

449
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 3: say like, yeah, let's keep doing what we're doing.

450
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:22,880
Speaker 1: No, that makes absolute ten.

451
00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,560
Speaker 3: So it's that part, and then you know we're still

452
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:30,919
Speaker 3: kind of working on ourselves, I guess, so like, yeah,

453
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,320
Speaker 3: you know there's been there's been growth for sure, but

454
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 3: I don't know that is there just yet to say yeah,

455
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:38,960
Speaker 3: all right, we're gonna do this.

456
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 1: How how would it impact you if you knew he

457
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:48,879
Speaker 1: was absolutely serious about about you, about marriage, about you

458
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,320
Speaker 1: not being a girlfriend for another ten years, But like,

459
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: how would that impact you if you knew for certain

460
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,440
Speaker 1: he was absolutely serious about that.

461
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,520
Speaker 3: I mean we've talked about before. I'm a mission oriented person.

462
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:04,520
Speaker 3: So if that's the mission, that's the goal, then let's

463
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,160
Speaker 3: do it. You know, let's focus on.

464
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:10,080
Speaker 1: That, right. But you are a very mission oriented person.

465
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,399
Speaker 3: Yeah, so like if that's not it, then it's just like, okay,

466
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:17,000
Speaker 3: then that's not it. But if that is something that

467
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 3: he says, like I'm absolutely I'm saving for a wedding

468
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,199
Speaker 3: ring like or a negaging ring, like I'm this is

469
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,200
Speaker 3: what I'm doing. I'm saving so that we are financially stable.

470
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 3: I'm I'm doing the work to put us in a

471
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,560
Speaker 3: position where you know, we're going to be comfortable in life,

472
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,840
Speaker 3: and and I want to work with you, and we're

473
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:36,960
Speaker 3: going to pay down our debt together, and we're gonna

474
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 3: you know, identify where we want to live and make

475
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,920
Speaker 3: sure that this school district is solid and really, can

476
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 3: you know, give our kids what they deserve? You know, like,

477
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,720
Speaker 3: if those conversations were on the table and I saw

478
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 3: action towards them, it would feel great, But I don't

479
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:54,760
Speaker 3: really see that.

480
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:59,959
Speaker 1: Would that activate your mission drivenness? If you will, if

481
00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 1: you see those.

482
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:05,680
Speaker 3: Things, yeah, I think so. I think so, you know,

483
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 3: I think it would definitely help. But I also feel like,

484
00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:12,480
Speaker 3: you know, on an individual level, I haven't been very

485
00:29:12,480 --> 00:29:14,640
Speaker 3: clear on what my own personal missions are as far

486
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:17,800
Speaker 3: as my own personal goals. So that's part of some

487
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:20,760
Speaker 3: of the challenge that I have with myself. So maybe

488
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 3: you know, having that collective goal would help me with

489
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:27,560
Speaker 3: you know, defining some of the personal goals I have

490
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,440
Speaker 3: to But either way, you know, the person stuff would

491
00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 3: have to have to figure that piece out.

492
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:39,280
Speaker 1: Okay, So how would David experience you differently when you

493
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 1: were being mission driven?

494
00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:47,480
Speaker 3: I don't know, you have to ask him that, I guess, David,

495
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:47,800
Speaker 3: how do.

496
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 1: You imagine you would experience her differently when she is

497
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: being that mission driven version of herself.

498
00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 3: Well, I would say, like, when I do have something

499
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:03,440
Speaker 3: that I'm working towards, I don't let a lot of

500
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 3: things get in a way of me getting it, and

501
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,440
Speaker 3: I'm very focused on it. So I think, you know,

502
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:11,960
Speaker 3: my conversations are more focused on those things, and I

503
00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 3: don't like to have like a lot of time spent

504
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:20,000
Speaker 3: on things that aren't about that thing. So it's like

505
00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:23,040
Speaker 3: every piece has to kind of be all right, this

506
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 3: is leading towards getting this property. So I'm making sure

507
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:31,080
Speaker 3: my you know, my money is right, my credit is right,

508
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 3: so all the little pieces that lead towards purchasing, I'm

509
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 3: focused on it. So I don't spend a lot of

510
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:43,480
Speaker 3: time doing frivolous stuff. So like if our mission was marriage,

511
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 3: then I'll be like, all right, cool, so then this

512
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:49,440
Speaker 3: is what we need to do to get to that point.

513
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:52,080
Speaker 3: So let's focus on those things that need to be

514
00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:55,240
Speaker 3: in place. So I would imagine, you know that he

515
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 3: would experience me as just being more focused and more

516
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,920
Speaker 3: understanding of the pieces that need to fit in the

517
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,160
Speaker 3: puzzle to complete the goal.

518
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 1: We'll be right back with more family therapy. So if

519
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 1: the mission is marriage, he would notice those things. How

520
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:20,560
Speaker 1: would he know you were happy about it? Like, what

521
00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: would he notice that would tell him you were pleased

522
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:24,960
Speaker 1: that the mission was marriage.

523
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:30,800
Speaker 3: I guess he would know I was pleased because I

524
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 3: would be excited about working towards it.

525
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 1: I would be you know, how would you show that excitement?

526
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 2: Same way with the houses?

527
00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,080
Speaker 1: And how was that, David? How did you notice it?

528
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 2: Because I mean when she said it though, when she

529
00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 2: locked in on someone, that's that's the topic of discussion

530
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,720
Speaker 2: ninety percent of the time, besides the kids, Like you

531
00:31:54,760 --> 00:31:56,720
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, it's all normal life stuff. But

532
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 2: she's gonna make sure she like she said, she got

533
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,400
Speaker 2: to pay down a little bit of debt. She's gonna

534
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,719
Speaker 2: make sure she do that. She's gonna make sure all

535
00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:08,320
Speaker 2: her ducks is in order, you know, got the right people,

536
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 2: all that, everything the checklist is being checked off box

537
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,200
Speaker 2: by box. So if I feel like if there's an

538
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:20,440
Speaker 2: other like maveraging something and that was the goal, then

539
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 2: you know, I could see her looking at certain things

540
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:29,120
Speaker 2: and you know, probably uh knowing Jalen, do you want

541
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,880
Speaker 2: to have a wedding or just a nice reception? How

542
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:36,200
Speaker 2: much money is gonna be spent? How much we're gonna say?

543
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 2: What's the date? Like everything is gonna be everything? If

544
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:45,440
Speaker 2: we getting if we is to get engaged Friday by

545
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 2: before the month over with, I'm pretty sure that we'll

546
00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 2: probably have a date for the wedding. Okay, I'm being

547
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:56,880
Speaker 2: honest with you, right, I Benes. That's just the way

548
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,400
Speaker 2: she That's and it's nothing wrong with that, Like, it's

549
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:04,680
Speaker 2: not wrong with that. That's that's probably not my approach.

550
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:08,360
Speaker 2: But you know, if you with somebody that has an

551
00:33:08,360 --> 00:33:11,040
Speaker 2: approach like that, then you know, maybe it could you know,

552
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 2: rub off, But I really think that's what it'll probably

553
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,680
Speaker 2: it'd be like that. I could be wrong.

554
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:19,600
Speaker 1: How would she know that you were also pleased to

555
00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 1: be on this mission working towards marriage?

556
00:33:22,720 --> 00:33:25,560
Speaker 2: I mean, because I'll be excited. I'm not gonna do

557
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 2: something that I don't want to do. I'm not gonna

558
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:31,320
Speaker 2: do nothing that well, let me say that, because I

559
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 2: do do stuff that I don't want to do though,

560
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,720
Speaker 2: because it needs to be done. But when you're talking

561
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 2: about you know, going into marriage, like you want to

562
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,840
Speaker 2: spend the rest of your life with somebody, you know,

563
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,080
Speaker 2: you gotta do you gotta want it, you gotta do it.

564
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, I'll be excited too as well,

565
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:52,080
Speaker 2: not for nothing like like that's because I'm a guy, right.

566
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:54,640
Speaker 2: I want a nice wedding. I want a nice reception.

567
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 2: I want to look fly, like she's gonna look all

568
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:00,800
Speaker 2: pretty and beautiful and stuff like that. You know, Like,

569
00:34:00,880 --> 00:34:04,040
Speaker 2: I don't want to shit back and not partake. So

570
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,840
Speaker 2: if I'm gonna sit there and help, like, I got

571
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 2: to be excited to help because I want input, you

572
00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying. I want to have some input

573
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,280
Speaker 2: on it. I know most men don't have input on weddings,

574
00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:17,719
Speaker 2: and you know, you see it on TV that and

575
00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:20,200
Speaker 2: the men ain't really into it or whatever, But not me.

576
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,279
Speaker 2: I think I'd be sitting here, sitting right next to

577
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,440
Speaker 2: her looking through magazines or I'm I'm a computer.

578
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:35,560
Speaker 1: Now, how different, David, do you think Jay would experience that?

579
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 1: Because she's saying in the past that wasn't the mission,

580
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:45,400
Speaker 1: and she's saying, I don't want to be somebody's girlfriend

581
00:34:45,440 --> 00:34:47,839
Speaker 1: for the next ten years. How different do you think

582
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:50,280
Speaker 1: it would be for her to know this is clearly

583
00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:54,200
Speaker 1: the mission. You're looking on the internet with her like

584
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:55,719
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like, how different do you

585
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: think Jay would experience that?

586
00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 2: I think she'll know that I'm more serious about it.

587
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 2: That is not talk right, I'm really going to go

588
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:11,239
Speaker 2: ahead and make this happen. So I think that'll be

589
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:14,239
Speaker 2: a big difference because she's like, you know, he really

590
00:35:14,239 --> 00:35:15,839
Speaker 2: trying to make it happen. This is what you want

591
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 2: to do, and he got a plan for it and everything.

592
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:20,319
Speaker 2: So I think I gotta get her excited because it's not

593
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:22,919
Speaker 2: It's something that's been talked about, but it was never

594
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:26,359
Speaker 2: no clear plan or action taking place to accomplish that.

595
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,480
Speaker 2: So I feel like once she sees all of that

596
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:34,319
Speaker 2: and see it like with our eyes and own two

597
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,600
Speaker 2: eyes and everything and see what's going on, I think

598
00:35:36,640 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 2: it'll be a it'd be a big difference. It'll probably

599
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:44,839
Speaker 2: be some sense of security or comfort or you know,

600
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:47,279
Speaker 2: like all right, okay, so this is where we're going.

601
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 2: This is the mission. Like she said, this is the mission,

602
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,479
Speaker 2: and he's leading the mission, so let's rock and roll.

603
00:35:52,960 --> 00:35:56,040
Speaker 2: I don't think she'll leave me hanging if she see that.

604
00:35:56,080 --> 00:35:59,040
Speaker 2: I'm serious, and it's a direction that I'm trying to go,

605
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:00,839
Speaker 2: and I wanted her to come with me, and I'm

606
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:04,399
Speaker 2: making a plan to go in that direction. I think

607
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,120
Speaker 2: she's gonna go in that direction right by my side.

608
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 2: M Jay.

609
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:16,239
Speaker 1: What difference would that make to you?

610
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:25,400
Speaker 3: I think honestly, like, part of the challenge that I

611
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:29,120
Speaker 3: have with David is lack of planning. So that has

612
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 3: resulted in decreased respect for him. So I feel like

613
00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:43,560
Speaker 3: if he saved money and bought me a ring and created,

614
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 3: you know, this beautiful experience and proposed to me, I

615
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 3: would be like, oh shit, like I gotta really look

616
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:56,399
Speaker 3: at him differently now because he's he's planned this out.

617
00:36:56,880 --> 00:37:02,320
Speaker 3: So my respect for him would increase, and I would

618
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:05,520
Speaker 3: I would look at him as someone that I would,

619
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:10,239
Speaker 3: you know, be excited about that. I would be, you know,

620
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 3: I would admire him for making those changes to get

621
00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:17,240
Speaker 3: to that place where you know, like he's he's serious

622
00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:20,040
Speaker 3: about the future of our relationship. I would just see

623
00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 3: him differently. He would be the man that I thought

624
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 3: that he was. And if I can see him that way,

625
00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:26,959
Speaker 3: then I can treat him that way.

626
00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 1: Probably stupid. I don't know if this is a good question,

627
00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 1: not Jay, But would you say yes today?

628
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:35,239
Speaker 2: No?

629
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 3: No, no, no, she wouldn't want to marry me to either.

630
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 3: But would I say yes today?

631
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:44,440
Speaker 1: No, that's not my question. That's not my question. Uh

632
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:45,240
Speaker 1: my question.

633
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:47,319
Speaker 3: All of that planning and prepare.

634
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, he plans, he saves for a ring, he creates

635
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 1: an experience, and then you're like whoa as you said, like, oh,

636
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,319
Speaker 1: I gotta view him differently? Would you say yes to

637
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:00,919
Speaker 1: that different version of him?

638
00:38:02,640 --> 00:38:05,319
Speaker 3: If he did all of those things and did not

639
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 3: fall flat on the other responsibility that he has, then

640
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:12,640
Speaker 3: I would absolutely say yes. But if he did all

641
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 3: those things and then left me hanging and other areas

642
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:20,000
Speaker 3: that are also important, then I would be like, well, yeah,

643
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:22,400
Speaker 3: I mean you planned and you bought the ring, but

644
00:38:22,800 --> 00:38:26,959
Speaker 3: you ain't giving no money this month. That wouldn't work. No, no, yeah,

645
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 3: you know, if everything stayed in position as far as

646
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,680
Speaker 3: you know, him taking care of the responsibilities, and he

647
00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:35,080
Speaker 3: also did that on top of it, then yes, I

648
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:35,680
Speaker 3: would say yes.

649
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:42,439
Speaker 1: Okay, so everything stays. You know, he's contributing in all

650
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:50,440
Speaker 1: the areas necessary and required. But you also notice planning

651
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 1: this detail. You also noticed planning for this thing happening

652
00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:56,480
Speaker 1: that would fit for you.

653
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,439
Speaker 3: Right, Jay, Yeah, that was fit.

654
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,279
Speaker 1: And David, what would it be like for you to

655
00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:07,359
Speaker 1: have her view you differently and then consequent to that,

656
00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 1: treat you differently.

657
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:14,279
Speaker 2: It'll feels way way better than what it does sometimes,

658
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 2: you know, who doesn't want to be treated good or

659
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,920
Speaker 2: treated fairly or whatever the case may be. M h.

660
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:22,799
Speaker 2: And then you know, it's just like a pat on

661
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:26,080
Speaker 2: the back, like you know, because at some point in

662
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:28,359
Speaker 2: time she did view me that way and then I

663
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:32,600
Speaker 2: lost it, right, so for they gain it back and

664
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:35,640
Speaker 2: it's like, you know, it's a little kudos to myself

665
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:41,000
Speaker 2: for changing my behavior and ways, you know what I'm saying,

666
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:43,759
Speaker 2: because that's a big step. And then you know, I

667
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 2: like this. I like this side of the road. I

668
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:47,360
Speaker 2: don't like the other side of the road. It's not

669
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:49,520
Speaker 2: it's crowded over here. I like this side of the road.

670
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:52,920
Speaker 2: It's much better. So you know, I think, you know,

671
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:55,960
Speaker 2: I very I love that and I would enjoy that

672
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,879
Speaker 2: feeling and respect from Jay.

673
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,040
Speaker 1: How would she know, David, that you wouldn't lose it

674
00:40:03,120 --> 00:40:06,319
Speaker 1: this time like you'd work She don't know you You

675
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,160
Speaker 1: used the word a minute ago stability, and I know

676
00:40:09,239 --> 00:40:11,400
Speaker 1: that that quality that matters. How would you let her

677
00:40:11,440 --> 00:40:13,080
Speaker 1: know that you're gonna work to not lose it this

678
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,239
Speaker 1: time once you get it back.

679
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:18,880
Speaker 2: It's the only way I can let her know is

680
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 2: a shower, right, That's the only way. Yeah, there's no

681
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,879
Speaker 2: just I just got a shower. Right. I gotta show

682
00:40:25,920 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 2: her certain things. You got to see me doing certain things,

683
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:32,319
Speaker 2: and you know, constantly speaking on these certain things and

684
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:35,839
Speaker 2: following up like this is where we was at. This

685
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,799
Speaker 2: is month one, This is where I'm at right now

686
00:40:37,960 --> 00:40:40,680
Speaker 2: month two. You know, this is how it should look

687
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:45,880
Speaker 2: in month three. Right. It's a plan playing in the action.

688
00:40:46,160 --> 00:40:48,960
Speaker 2: So I think that's the only way she gonna know. Right,

689
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,680
Speaker 2: I could say say say it a thousand times, so

690
00:40:51,800 --> 00:40:53,799
Speaker 2: she can physically see some of these things. That's the

691
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:54,640
Speaker 2: only way she gonna know.

692
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,520
Speaker 1: And when you say, like you have to show her

693
00:40:56,600 --> 00:41:02,080
Speaker 1: certain things, do you know what those certain things are? Yeah? Okay, okay,

694
00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 1: and Jay for you to notice, like as David says, like,

695
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,040
Speaker 1: I can't say it, I have to show her for

696
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:15,880
Speaker 1: you to notice this difference and see stability and see

697
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:19,839
Speaker 1: he's like when you view him in this different way,

698
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 1: he's cherishing it. How would that have an impact on you.

699
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,560
Speaker 3: It's just like if you go into business with someone

700
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:29,719
Speaker 3: and they're inconsistent and they don't you know, all the

701
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:32,240
Speaker 3: qualities of a good business partner, You're not going to

702
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,480
Speaker 3: create another business with them, you know what I'm saying.

703
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:38,919
Speaker 3: So it's like same thing here. If we are you know,

704
00:41:39,239 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 3: if we decide okay, marriages what we want, and then

705
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:44,440
Speaker 3: we work towards it and everything goes well, then it's like,

706
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,520
Speaker 3: all right, well then what else can we do? What

707
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:49,319
Speaker 3: else can we build? What else can we create? You know,

708
00:41:50,280 --> 00:41:54,279
Speaker 3: because I'll have that trust that as my partner, he

709
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:56,319
Speaker 3: is going to do what he said he is going

710
00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 3: to do, There's no question about that. So then this

711
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:00,440
Speaker 3: guy's the limit.

712
00:42:03,719 --> 00:42:07,480
Speaker 1: What's the what's the other kind of stuff that you

713
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: would build? And he said, oh, what else could we build? Like,

714
00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:12,279
Speaker 1: what's the kind of thing that you'd be like, oh,

715
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 1: I'd be interested in building this?

716
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:19,120
Speaker 3: Well, I always say I'm going to be a millionaire,

717
00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:22,840
Speaker 3: and I believe it it's going to happen.

718
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,640
Speaker 1: I'm here for it, love it.

719
00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 3: So I want to know how we can make that

720
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,799
Speaker 3: happen for the both of us. You know, if if

721
00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 3: that means invested in more properties or some other type

722
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,279
Speaker 3: of business venture. Let's figure out how we can do that.

723
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 3: I believe that I want our children to be in

724
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 3: the best school. That's not best as far as oh

725
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 3: they have the best ratings, don't There's a lot of

726
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,760
Speaker 3: schools that have good ratings. But what is the best

727
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:54,719
Speaker 3: place for them based on who they are? And Okay,

728
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,239
Speaker 3: so you know, if we can if we can do

729
00:42:57,280 --> 00:42:59,359
Speaker 3: the marriage thing and make that happen, and we can

730
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:04,240
Speaker 3: get the financial stability that we desire, we can also

731
00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:08,359
Speaker 3: create a lifestyle for them that is truly you know,

732
00:43:08,480 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 3: a beautiful experience for them and where they don't have

733
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 3: to want for anything. You know, we have a plan

734
00:43:16,239 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 3: for their lives and we know what we want them

735
00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:21,040
Speaker 3: to achieve. Now, obviously, you know, kids are kids, and

736
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:23,120
Speaker 3: they're going to make choices on their own as they

737
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:26,000
Speaker 3: get older. But right now, at this young age, we

738
00:43:26,040 --> 00:43:28,839
Speaker 3: can set the course for them. So let's figure out

739
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:31,160
Speaker 3: what that course is. Like, what do we want for them?

740
00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:33,360
Speaker 3: Where do they need to be Do we need to

741
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:34,799
Speaker 3: be in New Jersey? Do we need to be in

742
00:43:34,840 --> 00:43:39,480
Speaker 3: another state? We could create that, you know, we create

743
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 3: that lifestyle for them. Do we want to live in

744
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 3: a farm. Are you know what? Yes? Yes, can we

745
00:43:50,760 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 3: can they raise their livestock? Yes?

746
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:53,040
Speaker 2: Why not?

747
00:43:53,200 --> 00:43:55,320
Speaker 3: Fuck it? Let's do it like it could be. It

748
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 3: could be anything. You know, if we believe in each

749
00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 3: other and trust in each other and know that each

750
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,759
Speaker 3: person's gonna play that part and pull their own weight,

751
00:44:03,880 --> 00:44:07,600
Speaker 3: you know, the options are limitless. We want to even

752
00:44:07,680 --> 00:44:09,959
Speaker 3: just make sure that we go on vacations once a year,

753
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,880
Speaker 3: like you know what I mean, Like this is whatever

754
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:14,279
Speaker 3: we decide. If we trust each other, we can do it.

755
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:19,360
Speaker 1: Okay, So other than the fun part, I'm really excited

756
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:22,879
Speaker 1: about what you're saying. And that's my own personal you know.

757
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:26,279
Speaker 3: I know, but you're gonna be there. I'm not gonna

758
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:29,799
Speaker 3: let you like Elliet going out there give.

759
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:33,160
Speaker 1: Let me tell you what Ellie is not going to

760
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 1: do that is get dirty on your farm.

761
00:44:35,239 --> 00:44:38,279
Speaker 3: Okay, oh wow, that's unfortunate.

762
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: I'm just I'm just like, you know, here's what is

763
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 1: not about to happen is I'm not getting dirty on

764
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:49,799
Speaker 1: your par know you say, but here's what I am

765
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:54,759
Speaker 1: going to say, Jay, everything you just said, like we

766
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:57,440
Speaker 1: are working on this, we're building this, and we're you know,

767
00:44:57,480 --> 00:45:00,520
Speaker 1: going on vacations once a year and the kids are

768
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 1: in the kind of schools that we're pleased with, and

769
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 1: even living on a farm, regardless of Allia's personal opinions

770
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:12,440
Speaker 1: about it, How different of a relationship is that compared

771
00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:13,680
Speaker 1: to what y'all had before?

772
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:24,000
Speaker 3: There would be a shared vision, there would be more cohesion,

773
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:28,680
Speaker 3: and it would be more unified in what we're doing.

774
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:31,799
Speaker 3: I feel like right now, like I kind of do

775
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:33,919
Speaker 3: my thing, he kind of does his thing, but we're

776
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:38,440
Speaker 3: not necessarily building together, which is kind of along for

777
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 3: each other's right.

778
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:45,160
Speaker 1: Would you experience that as like a big change?

779
00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,400
Speaker 3: Yeah? Absolutely?

780
00:45:48,280 --> 00:45:51,200
Speaker 1: And David, how pleased would you be to be living

781
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:55,920
Speaker 1: in this future that she's currently describing.

782
00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:58,720
Speaker 3: I don't think he wanted to live on a farm.

783
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:02,240
Speaker 1: Either, But that's because David's like me, and he's sensible

784
00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:02,960
Speaker 1: and reasonable.

785
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:11,080
Speaker 2: I would compromise. It probably won't be a farm, but

786
00:46:11,200 --> 00:46:13,400
Speaker 2: she'll definitely have an area so she can do a

787
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:17,680
Speaker 2: garden and she can grow her vegetables and fruit. Right,

788
00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:21,840
Speaker 2: So that's definitely that. But you know, like, well, the

789
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 2: my outlook on things, if I'm happy and I'm in

790
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:31,320
Speaker 2: a good space and you know, my mind is clear,

791
00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:36,200
Speaker 2: you know, like all of them things are amazing, right,

792
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:39,600
Speaker 2: But none of that is amazing no matter what type

793
00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:41,960
Speaker 2: of farm it is, no matter what type of house,

794
00:46:42,239 --> 00:46:45,359
Speaker 2: what type of school, if you're not in a good

795
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:51,160
Speaker 2: space mentally or together. Right, So if everything is clicking

796
00:46:51,200 --> 00:46:55,240
Speaker 2: on all cylinders, nothing is going to be one hundred percent.

797
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:58,919
Speaker 2: But if everything is on the upside, it's looking good

798
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:02,760
Speaker 2: and things are being handled, Yeah, that all sounds amazing,

799
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:07,239
Speaker 2: absolutely all right. I want to raise my boys with

800
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:13,360
Speaker 2: Jay together in the same house and love up on

801
00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:16,759
Speaker 2: her in front of my boys and stuff like that, though,

802
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:20,400
Speaker 2: But it's gonna take some time and some behavior changes

803
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:22,640
Speaker 2: within me and her.

804
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:35,839
Speaker 1: But yes, absolutely, David, what's the very first step that

805
00:47:35,960 --> 00:47:39,839
Speaker 1: you would be able to take to show her I'm

806
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:48,879
Speaker 1: on the same mission, dam Like, I don't. I don't

807
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:52,239
Speaker 1: think you can just you know, pop up tomorrow with

808
00:47:52,360 --> 00:47:56,520
Speaker 1: a with a gazebo and a and an engagement ring.

809
00:47:57,080 --> 00:48:00,840
Speaker 1: But how would she know David is on is on

810
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:03,680
Speaker 1: like mission marriage? How would she know that?

811
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 2: I don't know how woish she knows? I mean before

812
00:48:13,719 --> 00:48:16,320
Speaker 2: we even get to that point. I mean, she would

813
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:21,640
Speaker 2: definitely have to see the other behavior changes and things

814
00:48:21,640 --> 00:48:28,480
Speaker 2: that's going on within myself that it's affecting my change

815
00:48:28,560 --> 00:48:32,279
Speaker 2: of things, that's affecting the family and her in a

816
00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:35,760
Speaker 2: good way before it even happens to go to anything

817
00:48:35,800 --> 00:48:38,759
Speaker 2: with marriage or ring or anything like that. I think

818
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:43,040
Speaker 2: that's the number one thing, right. I think the marriage thing, yes,

819
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:47,560
Speaker 2: can definitely happen, but it's a lot of stuff in between.

820
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:50,400
Speaker 2: Like she just said, like, ah, yeah, cool, I'll be

821
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:52,840
Speaker 2: happy with the ring though, but then you ain't like

822
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:55,000
Speaker 2: what happened, Like you said, you ain't having this old

823
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 2: money you want to go drop it on the ring?

824
00:48:56,640 --> 00:49:00,200
Speaker 2: Like that's not a smart idea to do, right, you

825
00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:03,320
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, Like, yeah, So I think everything

826
00:49:03,320 --> 00:49:07,360
Speaker 2: else gotta be going going away, it should be going

827
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:11,480
Speaker 2: I think different conversations need to be had had. You

828
00:49:11,520 --> 00:49:13,920
Speaker 2: know that got to do with us and then band

829
00:49:14,239 --> 00:49:15,879
Speaker 2: like all right, you know this is where it's at

830
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 2: the next one. I think that's how she would know.

831
00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 2: That's what needs to happen before we even get to

832
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,080
Speaker 2: that level. Once she starts seeing that, I think then

833
00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:27,960
Speaker 2: everything else she can embrace and accept.

834
00:49:29,520 --> 00:49:30,960
Speaker 1: David, I want to one of the things I want

835
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:35,560
Speaker 1: to add to that is the first step is the mindset.

836
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:44,920
Speaker 1: Like when we started this conversation. I don't think and

837
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:50,640
Speaker 1: because of past experiences, I don't think Jay knew whether

838
00:49:50,719 --> 00:49:53,319
Speaker 1: or not that marriage was something you wanted or not.

839
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:56,759
Speaker 1: What Jay definitely knew was I'm not in for ten

840
00:49:56,800 --> 00:50:02,440
Speaker 1: more years a girlfriend. So I think the first step

841
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:07,800
Speaker 1: is showing her the mindset like no, no, no, I

842
00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:13,560
Speaker 1: this is the the thing I desire is your hand

843
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:16,720
Speaker 1: in marriage. I think that alone would make a difference

844
00:50:16,760 --> 00:50:20,640
Speaker 1: to Jack. I don't think she knew that coming into

845
00:50:20,680 --> 00:50:25,239
Speaker 1: this conversation, and that's clearly very important her. That means stability,

846
00:50:25,560 --> 00:50:29,880
Speaker 1: that means growth, that means family, uh, and these are

847
00:50:29,920 --> 00:50:32,719
Speaker 1: all things that matter a lot to her. And I

848
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:36,840
Speaker 1: don't think I don't think she wants mission, not marriage.

849
00:50:37,239 --> 00:50:39,480
Speaker 1: I think to her that feels like a waste of time. Jay,

850
00:50:39,520 --> 00:50:40,399
Speaker 1: Does that make sense?

851
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:46,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, Yeah, does make sense, because marriage is not just

852
00:50:46,600 --> 00:50:48,080
Speaker 3: like oh.

853
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:51,480
Speaker 4: I love you, that community like you know what I mean, Like,

854
00:50:51,840 --> 00:50:58,000
Speaker 4: it's it's a it's it's a joint or joining this,

855
00:50:58,239 --> 00:50:59,839
Speaker 4: you know, And you know, in front of.

856
00:50:59,800 --> 00:51:03,000
Speaker 3: Us, we're saying, this is my person, and I'm going

857
00:51:03,040 --> 00:51:09,080
Speaker 3: to have this person's back, and that is you know, spiritually, emotionally, financially,

858
00:51:09,320 --> 00:51:11,319
Speaker 3: I got their back they got my back and we're

859
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:15,040
Speaker 3: gonna ride this thing out. Like so if we can

860
00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:19,080
Speaker 3: get to that point that we both truly truly believe

861
00:51:19,360 --> 00:51:23,720
Speaker 3: like this is what we want, that that's a game changer.

862
00:51:23,960 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 3: You know. It's like I'm not just here just to

863
00:51:26,280 --> 00:51:29,239
Speaker 3: be here. You know, I could be somewhere else. You

864
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,399
Speaker 3: could be somewhere else, You could be with somebody else.

865
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:35,480
Speaker 3: And sometimes I wonder, like I'm being honest, like I

866
00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:38,279
Speaker 3: don't know that David really wants to marry me. I

867
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:41,080
Speaker 3: don't know that he looks at me as that I

868
00:51:41,239 --> 00:51:45,960
Speaker 3: am the one. So if he, you know, made all

869
00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:47,880
Speaker 3: these changes, then I guess I would be convinced, and

870
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:51,320
Speaker 3: then I my guard could come down because now I'm like, oh, okay,

871
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:54,080
Speaker 3: so maybe I am the one for him, Like it's

872
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 3: not just a convenient relationship or a relationship based on

873
00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:01,200
Speaker 3: we've just been here so long, Like this is something

874
00:52:01,239 --> 00:52:04,120
Speaker 3: that he truly wants. And then I could kind of

875
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 3: go back to those feelings that I have when we

876
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:08,200
Speaker 3: first met, like, yeah, this is what I want from

877
00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:11,759
Speaker 3: him too. But you know, the guard is the guard

878
00:52:11,880 --> 00:52:13,600
Speaker 3: is up so high right now, it's like it's hard

879
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:15,040
Speaker 3: for me to see it.

880
00:52:15,520 --> 00:52:19,759
Speaker 1: David. Do you hear what she's saying? Mm hmm, like

881
00:52:20,120 --> 00:52:24,719
Speaker 1: she's saying, she's saying there are times I think she

882
00:52:24,800 --> 00:52:27,960
Speaker 1: actually used the phrase like this is a relationship of convenience.

883
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,480
Speaker 1: But I want to know I'm the one. I want

884
00:52:31,480 --> 00:52:35,480
Speaker 1: to know that, like he wants to marry me. That's

885
00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:39,319
Speaker 1: why I'm saying it's actually not about the ring tomorrow.

886
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:43,800
Speaker 1: It's about her knowing he like I am his one

887
00:52:44,280 --> 00:52:45,600
Speaker 1: and his mindset and ship.

888
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:54,239
Speaker 2: Yes, but it's definitely not all me. It's definitely tenfold, right,

889
00:52:54,440 --> 00:52:57,520
Speaker 2: So like do I do do I? I don't know

890
00:52:57,760 --> 00:53:00,919
Speaker 2: if Jayleen will want to marry me? Right, I don't

891
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:04,719
Speaker 2: know that either. Okay, I'm not saying that. You know,

892
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:08,280
Speaker 2: this a whole entire relationship. It hasn't just been David David,

893
00:53:08,320 --> 00:53:12,239
Speaker 2: David David David, right, So like I don't know, there's

894
00:53:12,280 --> 00:53:14,239
Speaker 2: been points in time in this relationship. I don't know

895
00:53:14,280 --> 00:53:16,560
Speaker 2: which way we was gonna go. There's been things that

896
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,960
Speaker 2: have happened in this relationship out of like I don't

897
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 2: question myself, right, she don't question herself. So it's a

898
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:27,759
Speaker 2: group effort. It's not that David don't want to do this.

899
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:30,800
Speaker 2: David don't want to feel like he doesn't want to

900
00:53:30,840 --> 00:53:33,680
Speaker 2: be in this relationship. David, just don't feel like it's

901
00:53:33,719 --> 00:53:36,359
Speaker 2: a convenient thing. That's not just all it is. It's

902
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:40,080
Speaker 2: a lot of things that played into it. Into this factor. Absolutely,

903
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:43,160
Speaker 2: I talked about it a lot in the beginning, Yes

904
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:48,000
Speaker 2: I did. I brung it up, absolutely, and then you know,

905
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:53,120
Speaker 2: years went on, things don't happen, things were said in

906
00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:56,680
Speaker 2: the relationship, and you know, I probably you know, shed

907
00:53:56,719 --> 00:54:00,080
Speaker 2: away from that, stop talking about it as much. You

908
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:02,280
Speaker 2: know what I'm saying, because I was looking at things

909
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:07,320
Speaker 2: a little differently now. But we hear and it's time

910
00:54:07,400 --> 00:54:11,759
Speaker 2: to address whatever it needs to be addressed. Time to

911
00:54:12,920 --> 00:54:16,120
Speaker 2: you know, start working. That's the thing that we both want.

912
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:19,880
Speaker 2: If we both want this right, then you know, it's

913
00:54:19,960 --> 00:54:23,080
Speaker 2: steps that we both have to take to get to

914
00:54:23,120 --> 00:54:25,719
Speaker 2: that level. Now, once we get to that point, I

915
00:54:25,800 --> 00:54:28,719
Speaker 2: know as the main that I got to go a

916
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:32,080
Speaker 2: couple more steps, because that's what a man is supposed

917
00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:34,640
Speaker 2: to do, right, But we both got to get to

918
00:54:34,680 --> 00:54:37,200
Speaker 2: that level first before we start taking the mother steps.

919
00:54:37,239 --> 00:54:40,400
Speaker 1: Absolutely, But I think the first step is letting her

920
00:54:40,480 --> 00:54:42,680
Speaker 1: know that's actually what you want.

921
00:54:43,480 --> 00:54:45,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, But I gotta look but like, how do I

922
00:54:45,640 --> 00:54:47,080
Speaker 2: know that's what she wants? Well?

923
00:54:47,280 --> 00:54:48,319
Speaker 1: Number one, because she just.

924
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:53,719
Speaker 3: I literally had to said it too, like everything that

925
00:54:53,760 --> 00:54:57,160
Speaker 3: you just said over the last sixty seconds, Like Brett,

926
00:54:57,280 --> 00:55:01,360
Speaker 3: Like what the fuck? I'm trying not to get upset.

927
00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:07,040
Speaker 3: I really don't want to get upset. But you you're saying, Okay,

928
00:55:07,239 --> 00:55:11,680
Speaker 3: you started off the relationship talking about marriage. Things happen,

929
00:55:13,239 --> 00:55:19,360
Speaker 3: and that shifted your perspective. Okay, but those things happen

930
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:25,600
Speaker 3: as a result mostly because of your your in our

931
00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:29,080
Speaker 3: early stages of relationship. You didn't convince me that you

932
00:55:29,239 --> 00:55:33,200
Speaker 3: were dependable. You did you like you don't want it.

933
00:55:33,280 --> 00:55:35,560
Speaker 3: That brought it up. So you should have been serious

934
00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:37,560
Speaker 3: from that moment, because why are you even talking about

935
00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:40,960
Speaker 3: marriage if you're not serious about it. Being serious and

936
00:55:41,000 --> 00:55:44,080
Speaker 3: being serious about marriage is not just talking about it

937
00:55:44,120 --> 00:55:46,319
Speaker 3: saying I want to put the things in place so

938
00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:49,840
Speaker 3: that I can make this woman my wife, and you

939
00:55:50,040 --> 00:55:53,160
Speaker 3: chose not to do that. So like, yeah, we both

940
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:54,799
Speaker 3: got to work on it. Yeah, we both got to

941
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:57,960
Speaker 3: work towards it. But you gotta convince me now because

942
00:55:57,960 --> 00:55:59,320
Speaker 3: I was convinced in the beginning.

943
00:55:59,680 --> 00:56:02,840
Speaker 1: Okay, I want to add something which I think is

944
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:05,359
Speaker 1: what David was saying is we both have things to do.

945
00:56:06,400 --> 00:56:10,000
Speaker 1: The other thing I want to add is what's cool

946
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:15,200
Speaker 1: about this conversation is, regardless of whatever happened in the past,

947
00:56:15,760 --> 00:56:18,680
Speaker 1: we have two people that, if these actions are taken,

948
00:56:18,840 --> 00:56:23,279
Speaker 1: want to be married. So now the task is because

949
00:56:23,760 --> 00:56:27,520
Speaker 1: she believed it in the past and then things changed

950
00:56:27,560 --> 00:56:31,000
Speaker 1: for whatever reason. David, your mission now is to show

951
00:56:31,040 --> 00:56:34,439
Speaker 1: her I want to marry you, and then her reciprocal

952
00:56:34,560 --> 00:56:38,440
Speaker 1: step is to show you I want to be married

953
00:56:38,440 --> 00:56:40,800
Speaker 1: to you. And now we're building in the right direction

954
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:42,840
Speaker 1: instead of what has been happening in the past.

955
00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:47,120
Speaker 2: Does that make sense, Yeah, that makes sense.

956
00:56:48,440 --> 00:56:52,040
Speaker 1: We get into this place where we start thinking about

957
00:56:52,040 --> 00:56:54,040
Speaker 1: and talking about like how we got here. But the

958
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:59,640
Speaker 1: more important thing is once Jay believes that that's the mission,

959
00:56:59,640 --> 00:57:03,560
Speaker 1: then she on board with the mission. So now David's

960
00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:06,640
Speaker 1: job is to show her. No, that's the mission. Now

961
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:09,800
Speaker 1: it might be a mission that takes forty two minutes

962
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:13,520
Speaker 1: forty two days, for that's not the point. The point

963
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:16,959
Speaker 1: is you're the one I want to marry. I said

964
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:19,240
Speaker 1: it before and didn't show you. Now let me show you.

965
00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:22,439
Speaker 1: And Jay is saying I would love to reciprocate that

966
00:57:22,760 --> 00:57:24,200
Speaker 1: once I see it and.

967
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:27,560
Speaker 3: Experience it, you man don't want to marry me.

968
00:57:30,520 --> 00:57:32,480
Speaker 1: I think I think he will show you whether he

969
00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,240
Speaker 1: does or doesn't.

970
00:57:34,720 --> 00:57:38,920
Speaker 2: That's crazy. Why do you say that like that? That's like,

971
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:43,480
Speaker 2: what type of response is that? That's not an encouraging

972
00:57:43,600 --> 00:57:45,280
Speaker 2: response that man don't want to marry me.

973
00:57:46,840 --> 00:57:52,720
Speaker 1: I think I think it's a fine response. You just

974
00:57:52,760 --> 00:57:56,320
Speaker 1: have to show her because what she's saying is I

975
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:58,320
Speaker 1: don't feel it in my personhood.

976
00:57:58,560 --> 00:58:01,480
Speaker 2: You know. Yeah, we know that right now though, but

977
00:58:01,520 --> 00:58:05,560
Speaker 2: still it's a lot of like, Okay, we just went

978
00:58:05,600 --> 00:58:07,720
Speaker 2: through all of that and then respond to that he

979
00:58:07,720 --> 00:58:13,040
Speaker 2: don't want to marry me like responses that sure, sure.

980
00:58:14,640 --> 00:58:21,480
Speaker 3: Yes, evident, I'm not pulling out out the air, David.

981
00:58:21,520 --> 00:58:24,400
Speaker 1: What would you have said if I told you, man,

982
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:25,840
Speaker 1: you can't play at Ohio State?

983
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:36,960
Speaker 2: I told you go look at the film, David. Okay,

984
00:58:37,080 --> 00:58:39,800
Speaker 2: so like that's about you gotta give you something. I'll

985
00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:42,880
Speaker 2: see you said I can't.

986
00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:44,960
Speaker 3: Because that was literally the perfect example. That was a

987
00:58:45,080 --> 00:58:46,080
Speaker 3: perfect example.

988
00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:52,240
Speaker 1: The reason that's a perfect example is you have a

989
00:58:52,240 --> 00:58:57,080
Speaker 1: an unstoppable quality to you. There's a there's a and

990
00:58:57,120 --> 00:59:01,320
Speaker 1: we've talked about it like that, that that arrogance, where

991
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:07,960
Speaker 1: like anyone doubting you, including Jay, just like triggers this like, fine,

992
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:11,400
Speaker 1: I'm gonna show you. That's how I want you to respond,

993
00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:14,520
Speaker 1: Like you didn't even miss a beak. If I were

994
00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:16,240
Speaker 1: to say to you you can't do such and such,

995
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,919
Speaker 1: you just went go look at the film, you.

996
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:19,200
Speaker 2: Know, Like.

997
00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:23,439
Speaker 1: That's that's why I want you to respond. If Jay

998
00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:26,000
Speaker 1: said you can't put up that pergola, watch me do it,

999
00:59:26,040 --> 00:59:30,640
Speaker 1: Like that's your mentality when you do that. I think

1000
00:59:30,720 --> 00:59:34,720
Speaker 1: that's the very best version of David right.

1001
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:37,480
Speaker 3: And the reason I say that's a perfect example is

1002
00:59:37,480 --> 00:59:39,240
Speaker 3: because if I say that, man, don't want to marry me,

1003
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:43,360
Speaker 3: and you say, look at the film. The film don't

1004
00:59:43,400 --> 00:59:45,840
Speaker 3: the film mayn't help it. You know what I'm saying, Like,

1005
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:46,800
Speaker 3: not in this situation.

1006
00:59:47,120 --> 00:59:48,640
Speaker 1: I don't want him to say look at the film.

1007
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:50,560
Speaker 1: What I want him to say is look at the

1008
00:59:50,560 --> 00:59:52,520
Speaker 1: film I'm about to put on tape, Like look at

1009
00:59:52,520 --> 00:59:53,280
Speaker 1: what I'm about to.

1010
00:59:53,240 --> 00:59:56,040
Speaker 3: Do Roger that. But the reason I'm saying that is

1011
00:59:56,080 --> 00:59:57,960
Speaker 3: because if I'm saying he don't want to marry me,

1012
00:59:58,040 --> 00:59:59,880
Speaker 3: he's like, oh, that's a crazy response. No it's not.

1013
01:00:00,480 --> 01:00:02,760
Speaker 3: It's not because I am looking at the film from

1014
01:00:02,760 --> 01:00:05,400
Speaker 3: the past, so like that's the only thing that I

1015
01:00:05,400 --> 01:00:07,160
Speaker 3: can use to lead me to my current.

1016
01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:10,600
Speaker 1: Response, right. And the other thing I'm gonna say, so, David,

1017
01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:12,600
Speaker 1: I want that to trigger that part of you because

1018
01:00:12,600 --> 01:00:16,040
Speaker 1: I think that's David at his very best. And the

1019
01:00:16,080 --> 01:00:18,760
Speaker 1: other thing I'm gonna say to you, Jay, is I

1020
01:00:18,800 --> 01:00:21,360
Speaker 1: also want you to acknowledge you have an impact on

1021
01:00:21,480 --> 01:00:29,440
Speaker 1: him more than any other person. Your encouragement and discouragement

1022
01:00:30,560 --> 01:00:33,400
Speaker 1: means a lot to him, and I just want you

1023
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:38,280
Speaker 1: to be aware of that. I'm not sure anyone else

1024
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:42,040
Speaker 1: could impact him in that way, but you can. But David, like,

1025
01:00:42,080 --> 01:00:46,000
Speaker 1: that's the mission, Like, that's the purpose. Is the convincer, Oh,

1026
01:00:46,040 --> 01:00:49,000
Speaker 1: this dude is serious about me, And once you do

1027
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:55,720
Speaker 1: that unlocks the amazing potential of this relationship. So right now,

1028
01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:56,880
Speaker 1: it's just about a mindset.

1029
01:00:58,160 --> 01:00:58,400
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1030
01:00:58,560 --> 01:01:01,880
Speaker 1: So over the next week, before we meet again, I

1031
01:01:01,920 --> 01:01:04,000
Speaker 1: just want you to think about that mindset, like showing

1032
01:01:04,040 --> 01:01:06,800
Speaker 1: her no, I am serious about walking you down that

1033
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:13,160
Speaker 1: aisle one day and making one day a reality. Okay, Okay, makes.

1034
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:17,120
Speaker 2: Sense, makes sense.

1035
01:01:19,960 --> 01:01:22,880
Speaker 1: I think some of the necessary components that any couple

1036
01:01:22,880 --> 01:01:25,240
Speaker 1: would need to have in order to have a positive

1037
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:29,240
Speaker 1: and healthy relationship is number one. You do have to

1038
01:01:29,240 --> 01:01:31,840
Speaker 1: have a shared vision for the future and understand you

1039
01:01:31,880 --> 01:01:35,280
Speaker 1: are co constructing that shared vision. And number two, you

1040
01:01:35,360 --> 01:01:40,160
Speaker 1: have to understand that your partner's healing, happiness, in fact,

1041
01:01:40,200 --> 01:01:45,280
Speaker 1: their life experience, is your responsibility. I've heard so many

1042
01:01:45,320 --> 01:01:49,680
Speaker 1: people say like, their happiness is not my job. Yes

1043
01:01:50,080 --> 01:01:53,920
Speaker 1: it is. Now. You can't make somebody happy. Your partner

1044
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:58,400
Speaker 1: is not something to be fixed, but you accept the

1045
01:01:58,440 --> 01:02:02,760
Speaker 1: responsibility of contrubuting to that person's life. So that means

1046
01:02:02,800 --> 01:02:04,800
Speaker 1: I have to understand that I have to create an

1047
01:02:04,920 --> 01:02:08,680
Speaker 1: environment where that person can be the best version of themselves.

1048
01:02:09,040 --> 01:02:11,320
Speaker 1: They can heal from the things they need to heal from,

1049
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:14,640
Speaker 1: they can experience love, joy, happiness, and all of those

1050
01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:17,800
Speaker 1: things in order for a relationship to work. Being in

1051
01:02:17,800 --> 01:02:21,320
Speaker 1: a relationship is the most unselfish job you will ever have,

1052
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:26,120
Speaker 1: because you have to devote yourself to that person's lived experience,

1053
01:02:26,520 --> 01:02:29,080
Speaker 1: almost without thinking of your own, and knowing that the

1054
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,040
Speaker 1: other person will do the same thing. And if you

1055
01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:35,000
Speaker 1: can do that, then you have a happy, healthy relationship

1056
01:02:35,440 --> 01:02:37,680
Speaker 1: that will not be perfect because this is hard and

1057
01:02:37,760 --> 01:02:40,720
Speaker 1: life is long and tricky. Things happen and we know

1058
01:02:40,760 --> 01:02:42,880
Speaker 1: we have kids, and we move, and we have financial

1059
01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:45,640
Speaker 1: stresses and all the things that we have. But if

1060
01:02:45,680 --> 01:02:48,840
Speaker 1: you can understand that it is my responsibility to contribute

1061
01:02:49,200 --> 01:02:54,560
Speaker 1: to a shared future where both people are experiencing joy, peace,

1062
01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:58,280
Speaker 1: love and happiness, healing and growing together, then you will

1063
01:02:58,320 --> 01:03:09,680
Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship going forward. As a result of

1064
01:03:09,720 --> 01:03:13,480
Speaker 1: this podcast, people are becoming more and more fascinated and

1065
01:03:13,600 --> 01:03:16,560
Speaker 1: interested in solution focused brief therapy, which is the type

1066
01:03:16,560 --> 01:03:20,240
Speaker 1: of therapy that I do and what you're experiencing and

1067
01:03:20,360 --> 01:03:24,240
Speaker 1: listening to in the Family Therapy podcast. And people ask

1068
01:03:24,320 --> 01:03:26,160
Speaker 1: a lot of questions, and one question is is there

1069
01:03:26,160 --> 01:03:30,040
Speaker 1: any science to demonstrate that these kind of conversations impact

1070
01:03:30,080 --> 01:03:33,840
Speaker 1: brain chemistry or even subconscious connections in humans.

1071
01:03:34,200 --> 01:03:35,120
Speaker 2: And the answer is yes.

1072
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:38,400
Speaker 1: There are several studies where we are aware that when

1073
01:03:38,440 --> 01:03:41,880
Speaker 1: people have conversations about a hope for future, it literally

1074
01:03:42,040 --> 01:03:47,040
Speaker 1: rewires their brain. It changes their very mental makeup in

1075
01:03:47,160 --> 01:03:51,720
Speaker 1: measurable ways. So these conversations are not just conversations for

1076
01:03:51,840 --> 01:03:55,400
Speaker 1: the sake of behavior change. They actually create deep rooted

1077
01:03:55,480 --> 01:03:58,640
Speaker 1: brain changes. And that's why the changes created in this

1078
01:03:58,720 --> 01:04:03,480
Speaker 1: approach are so sustainab So human beings have a tendency

1079
01:04:03,520 --> 01:04:08,560
Speaker 1: to create patterns and habits regardless if those patterns and

1080
01:04:08,760 --> 01:04:13,160
Speaker 1: habits are good for them are healthy for them. These

1081
01:04:13,160 --> 01:04:16,240
Speaker 1: cycles become embedded in our personalities or even in our

1082
01:04:16,240 --> 01:04:19,800
Speaker 1: subconscious minds. How do we recognize these patterns in order

1083
01:04:19,840 --> 01:04:22,800
Speaker 1: to create change, Well, you have to be aware and

1084
01:04:22,960 --> 01:04:27,520
Speaker 1: measure outcomes as opposed to comfort. The reason why human

1085
01:04:27,560 --> 01:04:30,760
Speaker 1: beings have these patterns is because most of us seek

1086
01:04:30,880 --> 01:04:36,000
Speaker 1: out comfort, not seek out positive outcomes. And we have

1087
01:04:36,120 --> 01:04:39,640
Speaker 1: to be able to say, even though this action is

1088
01:04:39,720 --> 01:04:42,720
Speaker 1: comfortable to me, we have to be to ask ourselves

1089
01:04:42,880 --> 01:04:46,240
Speaker 1: is it good for me? Is the outcome something I

1090
01:04:46,320 --> 01:04:49,760
Speaker 1: experience as desirous from doing that thing? And if the

1091
01:04:49,800 --> 01:04:52,480
Speaker 1: answer is no, then we have to do one of

1092
01:04:52,520 --> 01:04:55,400
Speaker 1: the most unnatural things for us in the human experience,

1093
01:04:55,880 --> 01:04:59,640
Speaker 1: and that is intentionally do something that will make you uncomfortable.

1094
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:02,640
Speaker 1: Just change. And a lot of times we have habits

1095
01:05:02,680 --> 01:05:05,040
Speaker 1: like drinking. For example, if you were raised in a

1096
01:05:05,040 --> 01:05:10,160
Speaker 1: home and every Sunday your mom, dad, aunts, and uncles

1097
01:05:10,160 --> 01:05:13,240
Speaker 1: sat around watching football drinking beer, you will likely turn

1098
01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:16,560
Speaker 1: into an adult that does that same thing. You have

1099
01:05:16,600 --> 01:05:19,480
Speaker 1: to ask yourself is this working for me? Is it

1100
01:05:19,600 --> 01:05:23,080
Speaker 1: causing the type of life and outcomes and experiences that

1101
01:05:23,160 --> 01:05:25,280
Speaker 1: I want to continue in my life. And if the

1102
01:05:25,280 --> 01:05:27,920
Speaker 1: answer is no, you have to accept I'm doing that

1103
01:05:27,960 --> 01:05:30,480
Speaker 1: because I was comfortable doing it. I now have to

1104
01:05:30,520 --> 01:05:33,880
Speaker 1: do something that makes me uncomfortable, and that has change.

1105
01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:38,600
Speaker 1: It's surprising how many times a relationship becomes unhealthy because

1106
01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:42,640
Speaker 1: somebody over negotiated. And the way that it happens is

1107
01:05:42,680 --> 01:05:45,000
Speaker 1: like someone who is a city person and they were

1108
01:05:45,040 --> 01:05:48,960
Speaker 1: born in and grew up in, you know, Manhattan, like

1109
01:05:49,120 --> 01:05:52,320
Speaker 1: New York City, and they meet and fall in love

1110
01:05:53,080 --> 01:05:58,000
Speaker 1: with someone from rural Texas, and because they love that

1111
01:05:58,040 --> 01:06:02,320
Speaker 1: person so much, they decide to leave the hustle and

1112
01:06:02,320 --> 01:06:04,760
Speaker 1: bustle of New York City and move to a farm

1113
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:08,760
Speaker 1: in Texas. And what ends up happening is, over the

1114
01:06:08,800 --> 01:06:11,360
Speaker 1: course of time, you start resenting your partner because you're

1115
01:06:11,360 --> 01:06:15,000
Speaker 1: not living in an environment that's congruent to you. So

1116
01:06:15,200 --> 01:06:20,400
Speaker 1: many relationships, you over negotiate things that matter, and later

1117
01:06:20,520 --> 01:06:24,280
Speaker 1: on down the road there is a heavy, very expensive

1118
01:06:24,280 --> 01:06:26,800
Speaker 1: price to pay for that. We've got to have the

1119
01:06:26,840 --> 01:06:29,800
Speaker 1: ability to say I love you and I want life

1120
01:06:29,800 --> 01:06:31,840
Speaker 1: to work, but I'm a city person and you're a

1121
01:06:31,840 --> 01:06:35,200
Speaker 1: country person. And maybe that's not meant to be. Maybe

1122
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:37,040
Speaker 1: we can live some of the time in one and

1123
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:38,560
Speaker 1: some of the time and the other, but in one

1124
01:06:38,640 --> 01:06:40,680
Speaker 1: way or another, I have to honor who I am,

1125
01:06:41,120 --> 01:06:43,400
Speaker 1: and I have to allow you to honor who you are.

1126
01:06:43,920 --> 01:06:46,760
Speaker 1: Relationships get themselves into trouble more often than not because

1127
01:06:46,800 --> 01:06:49,760
Speaker 1: they over negotiate things that mattered to and in fact

1128
01:06:49,800 --> 01:06:52,720
Speaker 1: people do, like how many times has there been somebody

1129
01:06:52,720 --> 01:06:56,120
Speaker 1: that's just wildly creative, Like they're an artist or they're

1130
01:06:56,160 --> 01:06:59,720
Speaker 1: a musician, They're just like wildly creative, and their parents

1131
01:06:59,800 --> 01:07:02,160
Speaker 1: tell them things like you'll never make a living doing that,

1132
01:07:02,480 --> 01:07:05,080
Speaker 1: and they force them to become like an accountant or something.

1133
01:07:05,640 --> 01:07:10,320
Speaker 1: Those people experience massive mental health issues and we diagnose

1134
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:13,360
Speaker 1: them with anxiety or depression, But the actual truth is

1135
01:07:13,800 --> 01:07:18,080
Speaker 1: you're living a life incongruent to your personhood that plays

1136
01:07:18,120 --> 01:07:20,520
Speaker 1: itself out in relationships and it plays itself out in

1137
01:07:20,560 --> 01:07:25,000
Speaker 1: our individual lives as well. It's really really important to

1138
01:07:25,120 --> 01:07:28,240
Speaker 1: ask yourself different questions on your healing journey. So for

1139
01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:30,360
Speaker 1: the next few weeks, I will ask you a question

1140
01:07:30,480 --> 01:07:33,280
Speaker 1: at the end of each episode to hopefully inspire your

1141
01:07:33,320 --> 01:07:37,880
Speaker 1: inner superhero. This week, it's really about relationships. So all

1142
01:07:37,880 --> 01:07:40,360
Speaker 1: of you in relationships, I want you to sit down

1143
01:07:40,400 --> 01:07:43,360
Speaker 1: with your partner and ask an incredibly important question that

1144
01:07:43,400 --> 01:07:45,960
Speaker 1: I'm betting most of you did not ask. And what

1145
01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:49,439
Speaker 1: I want you to ask is what do we want

1146
01:07:49,520 --> 01:07:54,040
Speaker 1: our lives to look like five years in the future.

1147
01:07:54,920 --> 01:07:57,120
Speaker 1: And I want you to answer that question from an

1148
01:07:57,200 --> 01:08:00,320
Speaker 1: outcome perspective. And what I mean by that is not

1149
01:08:00,400 --> 01:08:04,120
Speaker 1: necessarily I want a three bedroom house by then, but

1150
01:08:05,600 --> 01:08:10,280
Speaker 1: I want to be experiencing happiness, joy and peace, and

1151
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,200
Speaker 1: come up with a list of all of the things

1152
01:08:12,200 --> 01:08:14,160
Speaker 1: that you would like to be experiencing in your life

1153
01:08:14,240 --> 01:08:19,640
Speaker 1: that we would identify as outcomes. And then separately, I

1154
01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:22,920
Speaker 1: want each partner to make a list of twenty things

1155
01:08:22,920 --> 01:08:26,040
Speaker 1: that you would notice about your partner during those five

1156
01:08:26,120 --> 01:08:29,680
Speaker 1: years that let you know you're moving towards that outcome. So,

1157
01:08:29,760 --> 01:08:32,559
Speaker 1: for example, as we start building a life where there's

1158
01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:36,000
Speaker 1: happiness present, I would see my partner smiling more. I

1159
01:08:36,000 --> 01:08:39,200
Speaker 1: would see my partner working out when my partner's really

1160
01:08:39,240 --> 01:08:41,639
Speaker 1: happy she works out, Or I would see my partner

1161
01:08:41,720 --> 01:08:44,080
Speaker 1: cookie more when my partner's in a really good rhythm

1162
01:08:44,160 --> 01:08:46,760
Speaker 1: of life. They do meal prepping instead of fast food

1163
01:08:46,840 --> 01:08:48,920
Speaker 1: like whatever the signs would be. So come up with

1164
01:08:48,960 --> 01:08:52,160
Speaker 1: a consensus of what outcome we are creating, and then

1165
01:08:52,280 --> 01:08:54,880
Speaker 1: twenty signs that let you know that your lives are

1166
01:08:54,960 --> 01:08:58,160
Speaker 1: moving in that direction. What doing something like this will do.

1167
01:08:58,479 --> 01:09:01,880
Speaker 1: It will train your senses to notice those signs, and

1168
01:09:02,000 --> 01:09:05,240
Speaker 1: that is actually how you manifest things into reality by

1169
01:09:05,280 --> 01:09:08,559
Speaker 1: paying attention to them. Most people make the mistake they

1170
01:09:08,560 --> 01:09:11,000
Speaker 1: don't think about what they're trying to create and then

1171
01:09:11,120 --> 01:09:14,440
Speaker 1: thus create it. They think about what they're trying to avoid,

1172
01:09:14,760 --> 01:09:16,879
Speaker 1: but then they never really figure out what they're creating.

1173
01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:19,599
Speaker 1: So if we try to build a life where we're

1174
01:09:19,640 --> 01:09:23,240
Speaker 1: not unhappy, it's a very different experience in trying to

1175
01:09:23,280 --> 01:09:25,240
Speaker 1: create a life when we are happy. To give you

1176
01:09:25,320 --> 01:09:27,320
Speaker 1: a better example, when I was a kid, I was

1177
01:09:27,360 --> 01:09:29,840
Speaker 1: really good at baseball. And one of the things that

1178
01:09:29,880 --> 01:09:32,200
Speaker 1: helped me go from being bad at baseball to being

1179
01:09:32,200 --> 01:09:35,680
Speaker 1: good at baseball is in my younger years, I was

1180
01:09:35,760 --> 01:09:38,960
Speaker 1: really afraid of striking out. So before I went up

1181
01:09:39,000 --> 01:09:40,960
Speaker 1: to bad I would say to myself, don't trick out,

1182
01:09:40,960 --> 01:09:43,800
Speaker 1: don't strike out, don't trick out. I didn't become good

1183
01:09:43,800 --> 01:09:47,200
Speaker 1: at baseball until I realized the goal isn't to not

1184
01:09:47,280 --> 01:09:50,200
Speaker 1: strike out. The goal is to get a hit, So

1185
01:09:50,320 --> 01:09:53,840
Speaker 1: my ambitions at everyett back became get a hit, get

1186
01:09:53,880 --> 01:09:56,880
Speaker 1: a hit, get a hit. In relationships, we have to

1187
01:09:56,880 --> 01:09:59,680
Speaker 1: have the same idea. The goal isn't to just be

1188
01:10:00,160 --> 01:10:03,439
Speaker 1: happy or to just be not unhappy. The goal is

1189
01:10:03,479 --> 01:10:06,320
Speaker 1: to be happy. So we have to focus on the

1190
01:10:06,360 --> 01:10:10,040
Speaker 1: pathway and co creation of happiness. And that's what this

1191
01:10:10,120 --> 01:10:13,880
Speaker 1: kind of question is designed to help you do. This

1192
01:10:13,960 --> 01:10:16,960
Speaker 1: is not just a podcast that I want you to

1193
01:10:17,000 --> 01:10:20,000
Speaker 1: consume and be entertained by. I actually want you to

1194
01:10:20,040 --> 01:10:23,120
Speaker 1: be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this,

1195
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:26,720
Speaker 1: and in fact, we can't help but be impacted by

1196
01:10:26,760 --> 01:10:29,240
Speaker 1: the content we consume. So what I would like for

1197
01:10:29,280 --> 01:10:32,200
Speaker 1: you to do is come on this healing journey with us.

1198
01:10:32,360 --> 01:10:37,040
Speaker 1: Come on this journey of change rediscovery with us. And

1199
01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:39,400
Speaker 1: the way to do that is to just pay attention

1200
01:10:39,920 --> 01:10:42,360
Speaker 1: to the things going on in your life as a

1201
01:10:42,400 --> 01:10:46,360
Speaker 1: consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things

1202
01:10:46,360 --> 01:10:49,400
Speaker 1: in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay

1203
01:10:49,439 --> 01:10:53,320
Speaker 1: attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention

1204
01:10:53,360 --> 01:10:57,160
Speaker 1: to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength,

1205
01:10:57,360 --> 01:11:00,360
Speaker 1: and let us know in the comments what you noticing

1206
01:11:00,439 --> 01:11:02,760
Speaker 1: in your life as a result of listening to this

1207
01:11:02,840 --> 01:11:06,040
Speaker 1: podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things.

1208
01:11:06,960 --> 01:11:09,759
Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,

1209
01:11:09,880 --> 01:11:13,360
Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,

1210
01:11:13,439 --> 01:11:16,000
Speaker 1: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you

1211
01:11:16,000 --> 01:11:18,160
Speaker 1: can also send me a text message to nine seven

1212
01:11:18,240 --> 01:11:21,960
Speaker 1: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy

1213
01:11:22,120 --> 01:11:25,960
Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network.

1214
01:11:26,000 --> 01:11:29,200
Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe. It's produced by

1215
01:11:29,320 --> 01:11:33,040
Speaker 1: Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. S Fisher.

1216
01:11:33,640 --> 01:11:37,000
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio

1217
01:11:37,040 --> 01:11:40,519
Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The

1218
01:11:40,600 --> 01:11:43,479
Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for

1219
01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:46,360
Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a

1220
01:11:46,400 --> 01:11:49,280
Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does

1221
01:11:49,320 --> 01:11:52,519
Speaker 1: not constitute a provider antient relationship. It is advisable to

1222
01:11:52,560 --> 01:11:55,240
Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any

1223
01:11:55,240 --> 01:11:57,120
Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have.