1
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,560
Speaker 1: Loka Tora Radio is a radiophonic novella.

2
00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,640
Speaker 2: Which is just a very extra way of saying a podcast.

3
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:16,479
Speaker 1: I'm diosa m.

4
00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:18,800
Speaker 2: And I am Mala Munos.

5
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:23,440
Speaker 1: Lokatra Radio is yr Brima's favorite podcast, hosted by us

6
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:25,160
Speaker 1: Mala and Viosa.

7
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:30,840
Speaker 2: We're two ig friends turned podcast partners, breaking down pop culture, feminism,

8
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:35,320
Speaker 2: sexual wellness, and offering fresh takes on trending topics through

9
00:00:35,400 --> 00:00:39,840
Speaker 2: nuanced interviews with up and coming LATINX creatives.

10
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,040
Speaker 1: Known as Las Lokatas, Las Mammis of Myth and Bullshit

11
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:47,320
Speaker 1: and Las bocass Prosas. We were podcasting independently since twenty sixteen,

12
00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:51,080
Speaker 1: but joined iHeartMedia's Microtura network in twenty twenty two.

13
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,520
Speaker 2: This year, we're continuing to share stories from the LATINX community.

14
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:57,240
Speaker 2: Bartoo el Mundo.

15
00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,080
Speaker 1: Welcome to season eight.

16
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:00,480
Speaker 2: Are you listening?

17
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,959
Speaker 1: O La La Loka Motis, Welcome to season eight of

18
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,000
Speaker 1: lok at Dora Radio.

19
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,240
Speaker 2: I'm the Osa and I'm ma La.

20
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,400
Speaker 1: You're tuning in to Capitlo one eighty nine.

21
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,240
Speaker 2: Last time on look at Tota Radio, we played the

22
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,440
Speaker 2: Amiga Circle card game by we All Grow to help

23
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:21,880
Speaker 2: us ring in the new year, Go ahead and tune

24
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,919
Speaker 2: in and get yourself a copy of the Amiga Circle

25
00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,280
Speaker 2: Card Game. It's actually really fun.

26
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:27,400
Speaker 1: It's fun, it's cute.

27
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,199
Speaker 3: It's really cute.

28
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,640
Speaker 2: And don't forget to subscribe to look at what our radio,

29
00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:32,600
Speaker 2: leave us a review and share with a friend.

30
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,319
Speaker 1: So today we're back in studio for the first time

31
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,039
Speaker 1: in twenty twenty four, and we just have a few

32
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:42,360
Speaker 1: episodes left before we wrap season eight. And we still

33
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,440
Speaker 1: have so much in store for y'all, for our listeners

34
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,600
Speaker 1: with the remainder of our episodes, So just.

35
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:48,560
Speaker 3: Quick check in.

36
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,280
Speaker 2: How are we doing today? How are we feeling today?

37
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,600
Speaker 2: We ring in the new year in style. First of all,

38
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:55,480
Speaker 2: we did Little j Tree Trip.

39
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,120
Speaker 1: Yes, we didn't do drugs after all, No, we didn't,

40
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,080
Speaker 1: but we did drink and we did have fun.

41
00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,880
Speaker 2: We hiked, we ate, we drank, we hiked, we carryokeed

42
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,600
Speaker 2: so we couldn't carryoke anymore. Yes, and that's how we

43
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:10,720
Speaker 2: rang in twenty twenty four.

44
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was lovely, it was wonderful, it was super fund.

45
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,760
Speaker 1: I had a great time. And this is you know, Monday,

46
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,600
Speaker 1: when we're recording January eighth, I feel like, okay, yeah, yeah,

47
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,040
Speaker 1: and bisol because last week like still kind of hibernating

48
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,960
Speaker 1: and I'm still hibernating. I'll be hibernating. We're still in winter. Yes,

49
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,239
Speaker 1: I'm still sleeping. I'm still resting, but I do feel like, Okay, yeah,

50
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,519
Speaker 1: we got to get back to work. We got to

51
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,000
Speaker 1: finish the season. We have other projects we're working on,

52
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,640
Speaker 1: like here we are, let's do it twenty twenty four.

53
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,000
Speaker 2: Projects were excited about. Yes, projects that are like a

54
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:41,920
Speaker 2: long time coming.

55
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,239
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, there's more in store from look at our

56
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,600
Speaker 1: productions this year as all very much.

57
00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:47,720
Speaker 4: So.

58
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,320
Speaker 1: It's exciting to grow and grow each year alongside alongside you, Mala,

59
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,000
Speaker 1: and alongside our listeners.

60
00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:57,480
Speaker 2: Yes, and our our audio editor Stephanie Yes, who's just

61
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,200
Speaker 2: been a staple and just helps us to pump these

62
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,440
Speaker 2: episodes out and make sure they sound good for you guys.

63
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,760
Speaker 2: And we have more folks joining the look teams. Yes,

64
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,680
Speaker 2: this year more to come.

65
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:14,680
Speaker 1: Stay tuned, Stay tuned. But today, you know, we wanted

66
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:19,480
Speaker 1: to talk about a specific topic because during our last episode,

67
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,000
Speaker 1: we had a clip that we posted that we created

68
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,600
Speaker 1: a video clip. If you haven't noticed, we're doing video now.

69
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,520
Speaker 2: We're doing clips, y'all. Were TikTok clips.

70
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,639
Speaker 1: We're doing the clips now, okay, don't tell any of

71
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,640
Speaker 1: my audio former audio professors actually did text one of

72
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,440
Speaker 1: them and was like, do not judge me, we're doing

73
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,200
Speaker 1: the clips. We got to keep up with the times.

74
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,560
Speaker 1: We have to so here we anyway have to. The

75
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:46,440
Speaker 1: point is in that clip, we talked about estrangement very briefly,

76
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,280
Speaker 1: and there was so much engagement from our listeners. Y'all

77
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,320
Speaker 1: wanted to hear more, and we thought we would make

78
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,880
Speaker 1: a full episode. Produce a full episode about estrangement with

79
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,640
Speaker 1: the help of a guest. So we do want to

80
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,960
Speaker 1: preface that this episode is heavy. It's very emotionally taxing.

81
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,560
Speaker 1: Take a break if you need to. I myself wanted

82
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,960
Speaker 1: to step out during the interview because it was intense,

83
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,920
Speaker 1: But I think it's really important that we talk about

84
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:15,960
Speaker 1: it then. Comfortable conversations are really important. They're hard be

85
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:20,000
Speaker 1: open to this topic. I think, like as Latina's, we're

86
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,640
Speaker 1: like conditioned to, like, you know, be there for our

87
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,560
Speaker 1: family through quote thick and thin, no matter how we're treated.

88
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,360
Speaker 1: So this can be a very challenging topic for some

89
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,400
Speaker 1: people and for others it's like, yeah, let's do it.

90
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:31,800
Speaker 1: Bring it.

91
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,960
Speaker 2: What I appreciate about this topic and Violetta and the

92
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,120
Speaker 2: conversation and her interview is that this is not focused

93
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,440
Speaker 2: on like fixing a problem. It's not focused on repairing

94
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:47,520
Speaker 2: a relationship or bringing folks back together or healing or

95
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:52,120
Speaker 2: moving forward. It's just really facing like kind of a sad,

96
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,280
Speaker 2: kind of an ugly thing in the face and just

97
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,960
Speaker 2: like talking about it and just dealing with it, which

98
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,719
Speaker 2: is sometimes what you have to do in life. So

99
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,640
Speaker 2: I think that a lot of out there are going

100
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,760
Speaker 2: to appreciate the interview for the same reason.

101
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it really makes reflect like some things

102
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,560
Speaker 1: can't be repaired, some relationships are beyond repair, and it's

103
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,480
Speaker 1: how you take care of yourself in that aftermath. So

104
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,800
Speaker 1: just a little bit about our guest, Violetta Fernandez. She's

105
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:20,360
Speaker 1: a Mexican American licensed clinical social worker and therapist who

106
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,000
Speaker 1: works with clients in both California and THEEJAS. She supports

107
00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,680
Speaker 1: folks who don't feel safe and supported by their families.

108
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,800
Speaker 1: She has a project platform called LATINX Estrangement, and she's

109
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:33,520
Speaker 1: joining us today to talk about how estrangement shows up

110
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,280
Speaker 1: in various ways in our communities.

111
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:39,880
Speaker 2: All right listeners. Today, we are actually picking up on

112
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,240
Speaker 2: a topic that we briefly mentioned in a previous episode

113
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:46,320
Speaker 2: in a clip that we posted to our Instagram reels.

114
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:51,159
Speaker 2: We briefly started talking about estrangement and LATINX families, and

115
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,400
Speaker 2: we saw a lot of comments and engagement and folks

116
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:57,520
Speaker 2: really wanting to go further into this topic of estrangement

117
00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,719
Speaker 2: in our LATINX families. So we have the distinct honor

118
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:06,080
Speaker 2: of interviewing today Violeta Fernandez, who runs an online platform

119
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,279
Speaker 2: called LATINX Estrangement. So if youo let that, thank you

120
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,520
Speaker 2: so much for taking the time to chat with us today.

121
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,240
Speaker 2: Can you introduce yourself for our listeners?

122
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,719
Speaker 3: Hi, ladies, thank you for having me here. Yes, I'm Bioleta.

123
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,400
Speaker 3: My pronouns are chive and I am the owner of

124
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:26,880
Speaker 3: LATINX Estrangement. I'm also the owner of Together an Estrangement,

125
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,200
Speaker 3: and I support people who do not feel safe and

126
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,520
Speaker 3: supported by their families.

127
00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:33,919
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here today. As Mala mentioned,

128
00:06:34,279 --> 00:06:36,200
Speaker 1: I want to just get right into it and ask

129
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:40,039
Speaker 1: you about the platform that you created called LATINX Estrangement

130
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,440
Speaker 1: and what inspired you to create that as a platform.

131
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,120
Speaker 3: Okay, well, let's see, So what inspired me to create

132
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,919
Speaker 3: the platform started one with my own experience. I've been

133
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,760
Speaker 3: in no contact with my family for about five years

134
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,599
Speaker 3: overall five years, but it started the day after Christmas

135
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,080
Speaker 3: in twenty eighteen. My parents had ended their relationship with me,

136
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,280
Speaker 3: and then following that with my brothers who ended their

137
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,800
Speaker 3: relationship with me, and so of course that encompass is

138
00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:13,440
Speaker 3: like extended family and all that. And so then come

139
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:16,640
Speaker 3: like twenty twenty one. At that point, I started therapy,

140
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,240
Speaker 3: and then that led me into just processing my own

141
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,680
Speaker 3: family trauma and rebuilding the relationship with myself and my daughter.

142
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,520
Speaker 3: But at the same time I had started, I had

143
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:30,280
Speaker 3: entered private practice and I started working and was mentored

144
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:33,760
Speaker 3: by Adriana Lejandre and she was like, you know, mentoring

145
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:36,160
Speaker 3: me and studying my practice, and she said, okay, well

146
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,720
Speaker 3: you need to pick a topic and market yourself. And

147
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,880
Speaker 3: I thought, well, what do I want to focus on?

148
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,120
Speaker 3: And I should say, you know, I am a mental

149
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,960
Speaker 3: health therapist, so that's what you know. My services included

150
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,400
Speaker 3: was therapy. So I thought, well, I have my experience

151
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,240
Speaker 3: that I know really well, but I didn't have the

152
00:07:52,320 --> 00:07:54,800
Speaker 3: language for it. So then that led me to just

153
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:58,360
Speaker 3: doing research on adult children who have been abandoned by

154
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,360
Speaker 3: their parents, and I knew it. It was you know, I

155
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,720
Speaker 3: knew it happened within queer communities, but the reason I

156
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,240
Speaker 3: was disowned didn't have anything to do with my queer identity.

157
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:08,440
Speaker 3: They didn't even know. And so then I narrowed down

158
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:12,680
Speaker 3: my research to daughters and then to Latina daughters, and

159
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:14,600
Speaker 3: that's why I was just you know, you go down

160
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,840
Speaker 3: that rabbit hole and you start just collecting so much information,

161
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:21,280
Speaker 3: and then it was just a matter of sharing my story.

162
00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:25,440
Speaker 3: It was pretty heavy at first, but then more people

163
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,920
Speaker 3: started relating and commenting, and I was like, wow, there's

164
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,800
Speaker 3: other daughters too. Daughter. Is that again? I know what

165
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,079
Speaker 3: happens within the queer community, but their reasoning had more

166
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:38,640
Speaker 3: to do with not meeting the expectations of their family

167
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:42,520
Speaker 3: and playing the role that they were assigned as far

168
00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:43,640
Speaker 3: as like being providers.

169
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,720
Speaker 1: I love that. Thanks for giving that context. But I

170
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,960
Speaker 1: have a follow up question. But before we go any further,

171
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:53,240
Speaker 1: can you define what estrangement is for folks you know,

172
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,400
Speaker 1: hearing it for the first time or curious, like, what

173
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,760
Speaker 1: what does estrangement mean?

174
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:02,679
Speaker 3: Sure, so, estrangements is the loss of closeness, and that

175
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:06,280
Speaker 3: can be emotional, fan or physically. Typically you hear about

176
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,920
Speaker 3: it with married couples, romantic couples, you'll hear about like, oh,

177
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,760
Speaker 3: so and so's a strange husband. But in this case

178
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,280
Speaker 3: it's going to be in the context of family, and

179
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:20,040
Speaker 3: so that is essentially like the distance that comes about

180
00:09:20,679 --> 00:09:23,960
Speaker 3: for different reasons. It can't be because you have been disowned,

181
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,240
Speaker 3: like in my case, being disowned and being pushed out

182
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:31,280
Speaker 3: of your family, and other cases it is because we'll say,

183
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,880
Speaker 3: in this case, like adult children or family members start

184
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:37,400
Speaker 3: creating distance most of the time for a sense of safety.

185
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,720
Speaker 3: But again, it is that loss of closeness.

186
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,480
Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of the conversations that I've

187
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:46,200
Speaker 2: seen on the internet involving estrangement and boundary setting have

188
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,520
Speaker 2: to do with like us, as the daughters, you know,

189
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,600
Speaker 2: setting boundaries or cutting off other family members or parents

190
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:57,280
Speaker 2: or godparents, aunts and uncles, older family members. But your

191
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,480
Speaker 2: story is a little bit different from what I've been

192
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,880
Speaker 2: seeing in sort of the kind of viral chatter online

193
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,120
Speaker 2: in that your parents and then as you described earlier,

194
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,920
Speaker 2: your brothers, they ended their relationships with you. And I'm

195
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,760
Speaker 2: really curious if you would be comfortable in sharing with us.

196
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,760
Speaker 2: How did how did your relationships with your parents and

197
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,760
Speaker 2: your brothers get to that place?

198
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,000
Speaker 3: Sure, no, thank you for asking. Well, one is to

199
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,640
Speaker 3: know that there's been a history of family violence that

200
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,679
Speaker 3: has been ongoing, and once you start becoming an older

201
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:32,199
Speaker 3: teenager adult, it starts to evolve into emotional and verbal abuse,

202
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,920
Speaker 3: but so much of it is normalized, so you know,

203
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,079
Speaker 3: you just tolerate it. And so then at that time,

204
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,080
Speaker 3: you know, I'm going to school to become a social worker,

205
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,199
Speaker 3: and I was, you know, getting a lot of awareness.

206
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:46,000
Speaker 3: My grad program was focused on DV but even then,

207
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,560
Speaker 3: like I still didn't make the connection of what I

208
00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:52,880
Speaker 3: was currently going through. And so come to twenty seventeen.

209
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,880
Speaker 3: At this point, I started living in LA and I

210
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,000
Speaker 3: had now that space where they don't have as much

211
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,360
Speaker 3: access to me. Well, I'm able to create a community

212
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,800
Speaker 3: of my own outside of my family, and then that's

213
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,960
Speaker 3: where the discussion of boundaries. I was working in South

214
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,160
Speaker 3: Central at a community clinic, and it just you know,

215
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,440
Speaker 3: I was just learning more and throughout my career. So

216
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,440
Speaker 3: once my parents really started to talk to me in

217
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,800
Speaker 3: certain ways, my friends would encourage me like, hey, you

218
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,560
Speaker 3: don't have to put up with that, you can say something,

219
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,480
Speaker 3: and I had like, really no, I didn't have many

220
00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:31,280
Speaker 3: like healthy boundaries at that time. And so at some

221
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,800
Speaker 3: point I was like, I don't like the way you

222
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,559
Speaker 3: talk to me. And when you grow up with family violence,

223
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:40,760
Speaker 3: you you say it very carefully. You're not it's very careful,

224
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,440
Speaker 3: you approach topic carefully. So but that was, you know,

225
00:11:44,559 --> 00:11:47,400
Speaker 3: met with a lot of hostility, and it was I mean,

226
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,320
Speaker 3: it was straight up it was like i'll talk to you.

227
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,840
Speaker 3: How are the fuck I want to talk to you?

228
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,400
Speaker 3: And so after that it was just constant chaos and

229
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,120
Speaker 3: you know, being told, well, you're not allowed to talk

230
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:02,199
Speaker 3: about mental health anymore, and and it's just so many

231
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:03,880
Speaker 3: things that led up to that. And then when I

232
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,480
Speaker 3: started questioning my mom's mental health. At that time, she

233
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:11,800
Speaker 3: had been diagnosed with cirrhosis, so I started asking questions

234
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:16,719
Speaker 3: so that would be shut down. So then kind the holidays,

235
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:19,600
Speaker 3: I'm going back home for Christmas, and I was like,

236
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,760
Speaker 3: I'm not going to be staying with you there, and

237
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,840
Speaker 3: that just took it to another level. And that was

238
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,280
Speaker 3: where there they perceived me to be picking my friends

239
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:33,000
Speaker 3: over them and it was just this a lot of

240
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,480
Speaker 3: tension building up also with my brother but mind you,

241
00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:37,880
Speaker 3: with my brothers, they my brothers could go at it

242
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,840
Speaker 3: with my dad like there's no tomorrow, but my brothers

243
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:45,160
Speaker 3: have never been disowned. And so once the day after Christmas,

244
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,920
Speaker 3: my dad is upset and he's sent in a group chat.

245
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,680
Speaker 3: So the public shaming comes in and he was no

246
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,720
Speaker 3: longer going to have a relationship with me. So mind you,

247
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,920
Speaker 3: at that time, that's when you see and a lot

248
00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:01,319
Speaker 3: of families, alliances are formed. And so that time, my

249
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,439
Speaker 3: other brother, you know, he's struggling with his own mental

250
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:08,679
Speaker 3: health issues. But women are disposable, so if there's conflict,

251
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,679
Speaker 3: my brothers have gone down that path as my parents

252
00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:14,000
Speaker 3: of like okay, well you're blocked and I don't want

253
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:17,040
Speaker 3: nothing to do with you. And so it really left

254
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,560
Speaker 3: me and I think for a lot of people like,

255
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,680
Speaker 3: well shit am I doing? Like is it me? Am? I?

256
00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:24,880
Speaker 3: Am I the problem? But you recognize the patterns and

257
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,720
Speaker 3: if it wasn't for therapy reminding me like, well you

258
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,719
Speaker 3: didn't pick this, or even if I had, there were

259
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:37,240
Speaker 3: enough justifiable reasons to create that distance. But for them,

260
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:41,280
Speaker 3: I'm not I'm challenging. I'm a threat to them because

261
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,080
Speaker 3: what they know is to control, that is their sense

262
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,800
Speaker 3: of safety. So me speaking up or just asking questions

263
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,520
Speaker 3: that just was not acceptable in my family.

264
00:13:53,679 --> 00:13:56,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, what you're saying really resonates, like the cycle breaker

265
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,360
Speaker 1: or the disruptor, right can come in and kind of

266
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,760
Speaker 1: re examine and look at the family structure, and then

267
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,360
Speaker 1: the family doesn't like that. And yeah, there's definitely a

268
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,040
Speaker 1: lot of examples I can think of in my own

269
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,560
Speaker 1: family where like alliance's form or you know, someone doesn't

270
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,480
Speaker 1: like what the others said, and it just it can

271
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,120
Speaker 1: escalate very quickly. So I want to thank you also

272
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:20,200
Speaker 1: for sharing your story and you know, being vulnerable with

273
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:26,240
Speaker 1: us today and following up about specifically the LATINX community.

274
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:28,640
Speaker 1: I saw on Instagram that you wrote in a graphic

275
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:34,000
Speaker 1: about family estrangement in our community is diverse, personal and ambiguous.

276
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,760
Speaker 1: Can you talk about that more and why why is it?

277
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,320
Speaker 1: Why do you describe it this way in the LATINX community.

278
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:44,080
Speaker 3: Sure, well, you know, it's kind of like what Mala said.

279
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:46,680
Speaker 3: It is like even though I've been this song, I

280
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:50,520
Speaker 3: would say there's so many that they're the ones having

281
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:54,240
Speaker 3: to be more intentional with creating distance, but I always

282
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,920
Speaker 3: remind people like that didn't happen overnight. There's been that

283
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,720
Speaker 3: distance for a while that you a lot of them

284
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,240
Speaker 3: have been experiencing from their families, like being pushed away

285
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,520
Speaker 3: or rejected or just not being interested in their daughters.

286
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,440
Speaker 3: But either way, it's like sometimes it's just more intentional

287
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:14,200
Speaker 3: when you're saying, hey, I'm gonna I'm not coming over

288
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:19,960
Speaker 3: for Christmas or for your birthday. And then there's also

289
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,280
Speaker 3: some who are gonna stay in contact with their families,

290
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,960
Speaker 3: but they have, you know, their boundaries, and that's what

291
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:29,920
Speaker 3: we call low contact versus no contact. Low contact is

292
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:35,160
Speaker 3: more the emotional estrangement where you're not sharing personal details

293
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:38,800
Speaker 3: about your life. It's pretty superficial. It's just always say

294
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,800
Speaker 3: bare minimum. And then with the no contact that can

295
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:46,480
Speaker 3: be off and on, but there's definitely less physical access

296
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,480
Speaker 3: to someone along of course with the emotional. So it's

297
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:55,280
Speaker 3: diverse and the reasons vary. There can be anything from

298
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,240
Speaker 3: and in some cases, sure it's a history of violence.

299
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:02,840
Speaker 3: In some cases it will say migration and combine that

300
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,800
Speaker 3: with parents not having the skills and resources to build

301
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,280
Speaker 3: a connection with their children. So it's not as intentional

302
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:13,680
Speaker 3: the neglect. And then in some cases it may be

303
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:19,080
Speaker 3: that families have cognitive impairments, they may have mental illnesses

304
00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:24,920
Speaker 3: that don't allow them to understand how to connect with

305
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:29,720
Speaker 3: their children or other family members. And it's ambiguous as well, because,

306
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:34,280
Speaker 3: for instance, kind of think about the silent treatment. You know,

307
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,880
Speaker 3: you have a lot of parents that are like, well,

308
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,160
Speaker 3: you can come over. The thing is that they're not

309
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:44,760
Speaker 3: welcoming you, and so it's very that indifference is very hard,

310
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,720
Speaker 3: it's subtle, it's very hard to identify. And then you

311
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,920
Speaker 3: have the push pull where you have families that are

312
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:56,680
Speaker 3: really they're rejecting you, but then at the same time

313
00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,920
Speaker 3: they're saying, oh, what wasn't that serious? Let it go.

314
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,680
Speaker 3: And then they go back to this cycle, but you know,

315
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:06,960
Speaker 3: the typical cycle of violence where they then will shower

316
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,560
Speaker 3: you with the faction and support. So that's why it is.

317
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:13,800
Speaker 3: It can be confusing, and it just really is unique

318
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:18,000
Speaker 3: to each person. It can feel lonely, but there are

319
00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,520
Speaker 3: definitely so many of us that go through it.

320
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,800
Speaker 2: I am listening to your own story and it makes

321
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,959
Speaker 2: me think of like the family unit as this place

322
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,520
Speaker 2: where you have access to resources, right and support, like

323
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,159
Speaker 2: not just love or relationships, but like love is a

324
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:38,800
Speaker 2: resource in some ways, you know, or like the family home,

325
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,240
Speaker 2: or you know, like a financial safety net or the

326
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,760
Speaker 2: social safety net that comes with being part of a family.

327
00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:49,560
Speaker 2: And I'm wondering if in a case like yours, is

328
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,000
Speaker 2: there an element of family estrangement where it's almost like

329
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,119
Speaker 2: you're not going to play by our rules, We're cutting

330
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:58,720
Speaker 2: you off from the resource that is the family. And

331
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,720
Speaker 2: how resources kind of play into a strange man or

332
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,119
Speaker 2: like estrangement as punishment in that way.

333
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:09,119
Speaker 3: Oh, definitely, there is the financial abuse, and so that's why, honestly,

334
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,040
Speaker 3: that's one reason why a lot of people do stay

335
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,960
Speaker 3: in touch with their families is the need for resources.

336
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:17,720
Speaker 3: And we'll say, like in California the housing crisis, there's

337
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,400
Speaker 3: I've had clients that live with families and they don't

338
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:24,680
Speaker 3: talk to each other. You also have the need for childcare, transportation,

339
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:28,560
Speaker 3: and in some cases you're also the financial provider, or

340
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,720
Speaker 3: you're the caregiver, or you work for the business. But

341
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:35,240
Speaker 3: it's this emotional abuse that's going on where you don't

342
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:40,640
Speaker 3: feel comfortable like stepping away, and so there's this constant

343
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:44,199
Speaker 3: threat that they're going to withhold from you and for

344
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,360
Speaker 3: well seeing the queer community, especially if you're trans if

345
00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:52,520
Speaker 3: that's your only access to healthcare and housing, to step

346
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:55,400
Speaker 3: away from that is going to be a huge loss.

347
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,280
Speaker 3: So yes, there's this constant withholding of affection and resources.

348
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:03,280
Speaker 3: And I would say the less the more independent you are,

349
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:08,120
Speaker 3: it'll typically be more emotional resources, right, the affection and support,

350
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:13,560
Speaker 3: But when you are in need for the physical resources,

351
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,359
Speaker 3: there's definitely constantly threatening to withhold that. And in that case,

352
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,080
Speaker 3: my dad did do that when I said I want

353
00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:20,399
Speaker 3: to move to California and well he wanted to. He

354
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,479
Speaker 3: was going to take the car away, and that happens

355
00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,760
Speaker 3: quite a bit. And mind you, I was paying for

356
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,800
Speaker 3: this car. They just signed it, but I was paying

357
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 3: for it. So so yeah.

358
00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:32,960
Speaker 2: There is conti that threat right anywhere there's a foothold

359
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,920
Speaker 2: to take some of that power back.

360
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, definitely. And once my mom passed, so well,

361
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:43,720
Speaker 3: no contact, my mom passed away, and then it was like, well,

362
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,879
Speaker 3: or when he ended his relationship with me, it's like,

363
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,879
Speaker 3: you're not going to be in the inheritance. I didn't

364
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,760
Speaker 3: even honestly, it wasn't even a thought for me. But

365
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,160
Speaker 3: because my dad had worked so hard to get out

366
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,560
Speaker 3: of poverty. He knew the importance of that. But for me,

367
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,439
Speaker 3: it was the last thing on my mind. But I

368
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,800
Speaker 3: think with when they're trying to hurt you, they will

369
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:06,359
Speaker 3: use whatever. And in some cases, again like him, don't

370
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,960
Speaker 3: come to my funeral, like they're telling you, even in death,

371
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:10,639
Speaker 3: I don't want nothing to do with you.

372
00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:14,760
Speaker 1: So, yeah, that is dramatic.

373
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:15,359
Speaker 2: It's intense.

374
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:16,960
Speaker 1: Don't even come to my funeral.

375
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,720
Speaker 3: It's intense. It's severe, it's.

376
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:19,600
Speaker 1: Severe, it's painful.

377
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:19,919
Speaker 3: You know.

378
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:22,600
Speaker 1: Oh, Man, as we're as I'm listening to you, I'm like, oh,

379
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,440
Speaker 1: maybe I wasn't ready for this, but here we are.

380
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,800
Speaker 1: I think like as a community, we're talking about, we've

381
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,399
Speaker 1: been talking about or we've been practicing estrangement, right, And

382
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,159
Speaker 1: that's I think one of the reasons that the clip

383
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,600
Speaker 1: that we shared from our last episode resonated with a

384
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,200
Speaker 1: lot of people is that we estrangement is nothing new

385
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,480
Speaker 1: for us. And that's something that you've said, estrangement is

386
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,840
Speaker 1: nothing new for the LATINX community. Maybe we just don't

387
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,600
Speaker 1: call it that. So can you expand on what you

388
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 1: mean by that?

389
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:55,520
Speaker 3: Sure? Yeah, And I saw that clip, and I mean

390
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,320
Speaker 3: we don't use estrangement. To me, I always had like

391
00:20:57,359 --> 00:20:59,960
Speaker 3: there was a super white term, and typically we just

392
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,400
Speaker 3: say like we don't talk, or I don't fuck with them,

393
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,240
Speaker 3: or you know, I'm not that close to them, or

394
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:10,240
Speaker 3: they just I don't have a relationship with them. So

395
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,840
Speaker 3: it's pretty much that there's not again, we're just not

396
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,840
Speaker 3: that close, or sometimes I used to say, oh, my mom,

397
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:21,320
Speaker 3: she's just really difficult. So with that term, it's not

398
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,160
Speaker 3: one that I used a lot, but I know people

399
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,720
Speaker 3: are becoming more familiar with it as they have more

400
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:31,240
Speaker 3: access to language and support in the digital community. But

401
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,960
Speaker 3: when we look at our families and communities, I mean

402
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,200
Speaker 3: when I looked at history, I remember my mom saying

403
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,679
Speaker 3: how her mom disowned her when she got married. And

404
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,680
Speaker 3: I know there's been many women in the family. I

405
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,919
Speaker 3: was a teen mom again I was disowned, but I

406
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,560
Speaker 3: know I wasn't the first. There's been theas I had

407
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,280
Speaker 3: a thea that as a little girl, she was thrown

408
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:57,200
Speaker 3: in the trash and this there's a lot of trauma

409
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:01,679
Speaker 3: that of violence against women where they're being guarded. We

410
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:06,720
Speaker 3: see even in other another communities daughters being killed and

411
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,480
Speaker 3: none of that happens overnight. So there's been this all

412
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:14,920
Speaker 3: of these steps leading up to that where people are

413
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:19,119
Speaker 3: not talking and I tell people, look, the likelihood that

414
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:24,440
Speaker 3: your parents have healthy relationships with friends, it's pretty low.

415
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,120
Speaker 3: And I know my mom didn't have any friends. So

416
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,040
Speaker 3: it's just to remind you, is that you're not the problem.

417
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:33,080
Speaker 3: This has been going on because a lot of people

418
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:36,800
Speaker 3: feel guilty about creating distance. I'm like, boo, You're not

419
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:37,240
Speaker 3: the first.

420
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:42,200
Speaker 2: So is there is there a comparable phrase in Spanish

421
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:46,000
Speaker 2: to describe this phenomenon that is estrangement?

422
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:53,199
Speaker 3: The thing I can only think of moosa there's a

423
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:59,479
Speaker 3: familiar okay, But because I don't my Spanish isn't up

424
00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 3: to pop are. I haven't been able to really communicate

425
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,280
Speaker 3: like my content in Spanish to where I'm super familiar.

426
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,360
Speaker 3: But when I do some research, those are the two

427
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,520
Speaker 3: things that the two terms that tend to come up.

428
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:17,760
Speaker 1: I'm processing, you know, because one of the reasons this

429
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,679
Speaker 1: came up in our last episode is my therapist and

430
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,119
Speaker 1: I have also been talking about, you know what is

431
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:28,480
Speaker 1: I think it's really challenging for Latina daughters to create boundaries.

432
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,359
Speaker 1: We've talked about that since the inception of locata radio.

433
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:36,200
Speaker 1: Latinas are not given agency. Our mothers refuse to see

434
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,400
Speaker 1: us as our own people, right, we're extensions of them.

435
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 1: And that's a general statement of course, right, But I

436
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,960
Speaker 1: think it's really challenging, especially when you have aging parents,

437
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,280
Speaker 1: to like set those boundaries and create distance and create

438
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,960
Speaker 1: healthy boundaries and limit you know, contact with certain people.

439
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: And so that really resonates with me. And something that

440
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:02,639
Speaker 1: you've also advised people on or created content about is

441
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:06,720
Speaker 1: like safety and exit plans. And I listened to another

442
00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,199
Speaker 1: podcast where they talked about this during the holidays, right,

443
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,360
Speaker 1: gearing up for the holidays, like have your safety exit plans.

444
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,960
Speaker 1: But for Latinos like that could also look different for

445
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:17,199
Speaker 1: the latinin community, that could look different having like the

446
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:20,240
Speaker 1: safety exit plans. So how do you advise your clients

447
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,840
Speaker 1: or to anyone listening, like, how can they create their

448
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 1: own plans?

449
00:24:24,359 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 3: Yeah? So the safety and exit plans, again, they're unique

450
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:31,600
Speaker 3: for everybody's situation. And I remind people like, you know

451
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,679
Speaker 3: your family better than I do, so you adjust as needed.

452
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:39,520
Speaker 3: And it's reminding them the flexibility, it's reminding them to

453
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:45,919
Speaker 3: practice before implementing it. So even with slow boundaries. But one,

454
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,880
Speaker 3: it's they're also their comfort level. You know, while I

455
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 3: had the privilege of saying I don't like the way

456
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 3: you talk to me, and I think you see that

457
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,280
Speaker 3: a lot on social media as people oh, just say no,

458
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,919
Speaker 3: just say that is not easy when there's a hit

459
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:03,400
Speaker 3: story of family violence. So my clients and I will

460
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:05,560
Speaker 3: come up with is ideas as far as like what

461
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,800
Speaker 3: to say, when to say it, and sometimes even getting creative.

462
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,000
Speaker 3: It just depends on wan do you rely on them

463
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:17,040
Speaker 3: for support. That's a big one, especially like physical resources.

464
00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:20,719
Speaker 3: Your boundaries are going to look so different from someone

465
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,600
Speaker 3: who has the privilege of not living with them or

466
00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 3: not relying on them for support. And then the second

467
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,840
Speaker 3: thing is, Okay, what is their comfort level? Not everybody

468
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:33,720
Speaker 3: wants to go no contact. Not everybody wants to decline

469
00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:37,800
Speaker 3: that invitation or stop step away from their their role

470
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,840
Speaker 3: as a provider in the family. So it's finding what

471
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:44,840
Speaker 3: they're comfortable with and building from there, and also remind

472
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,880
Speaker 3: them is you're testing the waters. And this is where

473
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,840
Speaker 3: I bring in like inner child healing is explore, explore,

474
00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,520
Speaker 3: see what feels good to you, and again being flexible

475
00:25:56,119 --> 00:26:00,560
Speaker 3: and then giving them ideas. You know, sometimes telling them no,

476
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,640
Speaker 3: it's a full it's a complete sentence. It's not expecting

477
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 3: them that they're gonna take that and run with it.

478
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:07,960
Speaker 3: It's just planning these seeds because a lot of us

479
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 3: don't even realize it's an option to limit your time

480
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:15,360
Speaker 3: with family or to say no. But with that, it's

481
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 3: just reminding them what their options are.

482
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:19,080
Speaker 4: Now.

483
00:26:19,119 --> 00:26:21,840
Speaker 3: On top of that, it's also building a plan in

484
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 3: the event they are met with like really serious hostility. Okay,

485
00:26:26,080 --> 00:26:28,080
Speaker 3: well where you go, what do you do? Who do

486
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:32,919
Speaker 3: you go for support? But meanwhile, creating community outside of

487
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 3: the family is really important. If they live at home,

488
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,879
Speaker 3: it is finding ways if there's a family gathering, okay,

489
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:44,040
Speaker 3: well keep moving, don't just stay in one spot. And Mala,

490
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,439
Speaker 3: you had one. I really loved it, girl. It was

491
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 3: I'm gonna go hang out with the kids.

492
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,200
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yes.

493
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, I always remember that one. But it's, you know,

494
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:58,840
Speaker 3: finding ways to be creative. And we get into that,

495
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 3: and that's where they start to feel sense of agency,

496
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,280
Speaker 3: Like I can't control how my family reacts to me,

497
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,040
Speaker 3: and I don't know if they're ever going to change,

498
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,560
Speaker 3: but and I'm not ready to step away, Like and

499
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:11,439
Speaker 3: my relationships with them, But this is how I want to,

500
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 3: you know, try to implement some slow boundaries and move

501
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:18,840
Speaker 3: from there. If there're no contact, it's for them. It

502
00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:23,040
Speaker 3: may be that they're getting these invites during the holidays

503
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:27,320
Speaker 3: when their families feel vulnerable, and it's navigating the impulse

504
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 3: to reach out right away, or for them, they may

505
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:35,240
Speaker 3: want to actually initiate the reaching out because there's still

506
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 3: grief when you're no contact or you don't have a

507
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,680
Speaker 3: lot of contact with your family, So it's navigating also

508
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:45,360
Speaker 3: the emotions, and so learning how to express themselves through

509
00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:50,160
Speaker 3: different outlets is helpful as they're creating these plans. So anyways,

510
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,040
Speaker 3: it's differently, there's so many layers to it.

511
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:56,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you have me thinking now estrangement in your

512
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 2: own experience, in your research, in your work and the

513
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:02,880
Speaker 2: stories you've heard visa VI your platform. Is estrangement always

514
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:08,560
Speaker 2: permanent or can you come back from estrangement? Do people reconnect?

515
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:12,480
Speaker 2: Is it temporary sometimes until something else happens, Like does

516
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,240
Speaker 2: estrangement tend to be like one and done, we're not

517
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 2: talking forever and ever? Or like, how does that tend

518
00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 2: to work in your experience?

519
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:24,240
Speaker 3: That's a good question, honestly, people do tend to cycle

520
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:27,480
Speaker 3: in and out, off and on, and the reasons for

521
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,520
Speaker 3: that can be one. Sometimes we need access to a

522
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,280
Speaker 3: mutual family member. I see a lot of daughters that

523
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,680
Speaker 3: are not ready. They're ready to like I don't want

524
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,600
Speaker 3: to see my dad anymore, but they want to have

525
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,440
Speaker 3: access to siblings, to their moms. The moms that won't

526
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,520
Speaker 3: leave their dads or vice versa. Maybe it's wanting to

527
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:50,680
Speaker 3: have contact with their dad, but the dad doesn't won't

528
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 3: leave them mom, So that'll keep them like coming back.

529
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:59,120
Speaker 3: For some parents, some parents will adapt. And this is

530
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,360
Speaker 3: where it's up to you of how much, how many

531
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,600
Speaker 3: attempts do you want to give them, how many reminders

532
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 3: do you want to give them? And I think a

533
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:09,440
Speaker 3: lot of times if they see some parents, I swear

534
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:11,920
Speaker 3: they're so unreasonable. A lot of times did they even

535
00:29:11,920 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 3: put half the effort. Their children will like still come

536
00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 3: around and still keep trying with them, and so but no,

537
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 3: we'll say, you're gonna tend to have more successful mothers

538
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 3: than fathers. Fathers tend to be more absent, but there's

539
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 3: still a lot of challenges with mothers just because of

540
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 3: the Typically there's a history of violence that they're not

541
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:41,240
Speaker 3: ready to explore with the therapist. So final answer is

542
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:44,040
Speaker 3: basically it's off and on and then again it's still

543
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:47,960
Speaker 3: always depends on the situation. Now, I can tell you

544
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:51,640
Speaker 3: in some cases it's a done deal until that parent

545
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 3: or family member is aging and close to death. Some

546
00:29:55,320 --> 00:29:57,800
Speaker 3: people may feel like, well, you know what, let me

547
00:29:57,920 --> 00:30:02,320
Speaker 3: go see them. In some cases, no, that ship has selled.

548
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 1: I know.

549
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 3: For me, let me tell you something. My mom has

550
00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,280
Speaker 3: passed away, but we're going to stay no contact until

551
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:14,040
Speaker 3: I'm ready when that will be. I've decided with dad.

552
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 3: You know, he's getting older at this time, I'm like,

553
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:20,040
Speaker 3: you won't be hearing from me. And even though he

554
00:30:20,280 --> 00:30:23,800
Speaker 3: ended his relationship extent again, they will make They will

555
00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,160
Speaker 3: send out some type of message saying that they want

556
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 3: you to go to them. My dad will never come

557
00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:31,240
Speaker 3: to me, but you know, in our cultures the children

558
00:30:31,280 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 3: go to their parents. Their parents do not go to them.

559
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,600
Speaker 3: So he'll still put out, you know, messages that to

560
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 3: imply like, oh, you know I can go and I

561
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:43,040
Speaker 3: know I know my parents. They want me to go

562
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:45,600
Speaker 3: and beg for a forgiveness of something I didn't do.

563
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:49,880
Speaker 3: But for me, like that ship has selled. I'm past that.

564
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:53,160
Speaker 3: So really it's going to depend on where you're at

565
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 3: in life and the experiences you go through to see

566
00:30:56,680 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 3: is that going to change your mind and trying to reconnect.

567
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:02,360
Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that you talk about this so openly

568
00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:05,600
Speaker 1: and that you have a platform. We've created a platform

569
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,120
Speaker 1: to talk about estrangement and the way we show up

570
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: with our families, because I feel like, you know, when

571
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:15,320
Speaker 1: I look at film and television and Latino Latine representation, like,

572
00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:18,160
Speaker 1: I see this very like a very I can see.

573
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 1: I can see both, right, but I see like a

574
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:22,960
Speaker 1: very positive like the family super close, there's a matriarch,

575
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 1: there's a patriarch. Everybody forgives each other and loves each

576
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,320
Speaker 1: other at the end of the day. And that's not

577
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 1: realistic for a lot of us, right, A lot of

578
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:34,479
Speaker 1: us are estranged or have some type of boundary setting

579
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:38,600
Speaker 1: or just dysfunctional, straight up dysfunctional relationship with our families.

580
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 1: And so to talk about it so openly, I think

581
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,560
Speaker 1: is really healing for lots of people.

582
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 3: Yeah, it is, And I think sometimes I forget and

583
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:50,920
Speaker 3: even when I receive messages of what people go through,

584
00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 3: it's even validating for me, Like Okay, I'm not the

585
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:58,960
Speaker 3: only one, because I think most people, I feel like

586
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,240
Speaker 3: I'm the lucky one. I feel, honestly a sense of

587
00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,040
Speaker 3: liberation that I don't have to deal with the men

588
00:32:04,080 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 3: in my family and other my enaghbling theas. But that's

589
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:11,080
Speaker 3: not the case for like a lot of my clients

590
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:17,000
Speaker 3: and friends who really struggle with the guilt of not

591
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,800
Speaker 3: showing up in their families and doing the bare minimum,

592
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 3: and it's the constant like emotional abuse that they go through.

593
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,600
Speaker 3: So they share with me a lot of the stress

594
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,560
Speaker 3: of that, and I feel for them, you know, and

595
00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:34,320
Speaker 3: it takes courage too, it really does. And it's also

596
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 3: you know, I'm in all of how much people are

597
00:32:36,680 --> 00:32:39,280
Speaker 3: learning about themselves and what they're capable of, and how

598
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,400
Speaker 3: they're trying to unlearn what they were led to believe

599
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 3: about themselves and a lot of times that they weren't

600
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 3: really worth much effort.

601
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:49,400
Speaker 2: I can totally hear how like the women that you

602
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:51,520
Speaker 2: hear from feel guilt.

603
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 1: That's me right now. I feel the guilt, you.

604
00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:57,160
Speaker 2: Know, like stepping away would be causing harm to the

605
00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:00,240
Speaker 2: people you're stepping away from. So by the same time, okay,

606
00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 2: I want to bring it back to you. And you know,

607
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:04,840
Speaker 2: you can't speak for your parents, and you can't get

608
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:06,960
Speaker 2: in their minds and tell us what they think or

609
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 2: feel or thought or felt. But do you think that

610
00:33:09,600 --> 00:33:14,840
Speaker 2: they carry with them any guilt or regret for having

611
00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:18,920
Speaker 2: put this distance and implemented this estrangement with their daughter.

612
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 3: That's a really good question. And I've thought about that

613
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,160
Speaker 3: because there's always this threat or what if I die.

614
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 3: You know, you better hope I don't die, but I

615
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,680
Speaker 3: always wonder, what if I die, You're not going to

616
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:37,000
Speaker 3: like your only daughter died. I never understand that. With

617
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 3: my mom, I don't know, y'all, Like, I really don't know.

618
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:45,560
Speaker 3: She never The last time I heard from her was

619
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,880
Speaker 3: like maybe a few couple of weeks before she passed.

620
00:33:47,880 --> 00:33:50,520
Speaker 3: But at that point she I couldn't understand what she

621
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:55,440
Speaker 3: was saying, and I don't know, she was just a

622
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:57,600
Speaker 3: very She had a lot of rage and a lot of anger.

623
00:33:57,640 --> 00:33:59,120
Speaker 3: I don't know if she was gonna be able to

624
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:04,440
Speaker 3: feel that with my dad. This man, he is like

625
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:10,279
Speaker 3: the narcissist to the max, like the elite status, and

626
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:15,360
Speaker 3: I think for him, and even I think even my brothers,

627
00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,640
Speaker 3: it would be more about like woe is me, Like, Oh,

628
00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:19,600
Speaker 3: I lost a sister, I lost a daughter. I don't

629
00:34:19,640 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 3: think it would be much like the value of my

630
00:34:23,719 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 3: life if I if something happened to me, or in general,

631
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:29,600
Speaker 3: maybe if nothing happened to me. Do I regret not

632
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:32,719
Speaker 3: having a relationship with my daughter? I don't think they

633
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:35,600
Speaker 3: do feel that. I think they may feel a sense

634
00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:39,160
Speaker 3: of shame and that's why they don't tell everybody the truth.

635
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:40,960
Speaker 3: But I don't.

636
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:41,680
Speaker 1: I don't know.

637
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:44,439
Speaker 3: I don't think so. And I think if they do,

638
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,160
Speaker 3: I don't think they have the language for it. I

639
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:48,040
Speaker 3: don't think they understand it either.

640
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,000
Speaker 1: Those emotions are like buried deep in there. They're like

641
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:52,640
Speaker 1: they're no way coming out to the surface.

642
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:54,719
Speaker 2: And like you said, you're you're the lucky one in

643
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,560
Speaker 2: the scenario, you're the lucky one.

644
00:34:57,280 --> 00:34:59,600
Speaker 3: You feel that. I feel really lucky.

645
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:02,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, this question is about what Mala just said. You know,

646
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:05,560
Speaker 1: in our community, folks don't want to acknowledge that this

647
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:09,560
Speaker 1: is also a side, right. It's like we're such a vibrant, beautiful,

648
00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:13,920
Speaker 1: diverse community, family oriented, be oriented, but nobody wants to

649
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:17,640
Speaker 1: actually talk about like there's a lot of dysfunction and

650
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,040
Speaker 1: a lot of abuse that happens within and a lot

651
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:23,359
Speaker 1: of secrets that happen within our families. Like why do

652
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 1: you think that we don't want to acknowledge this side

653
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:28,680
Speaker 1: of our community and our families.

654
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 3: I think a couple of reasons come to mind. I

655
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 3: think one the reason our community and families don't want

656
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:40,880
Speaker 3: to talk about the dysfunction or the challenges is one shame,

657
00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,320
Speaker 3: the shame that a lot of people are still trying

658
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:47,640
Speaker 3: to recover from just the intergenerational trauma that our families

659
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:51,719
Speaker 3: have gone through, and their relationship with shame is something

660
00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:55,319
Speaker 3: they don't even like to talk about. And then the

661
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,480
Speaker 3: other reason, I think is because once you start talking

662
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:02,160
Speaker 3: about it, now you know more and it's going to

663
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 3: require change and for a lot of family members they benefit.

664
00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:10,360
Speaker 3: I think we've seen that quote people benefit from you

665
00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 3: not having boundaries, and so like myself in so many

666
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,879
Speaker 3: is that when we challenge our families, it's not just that,

667
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:23,239
Speaker 3: but it's a whole family system and to disrupt that

668
00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,359
Speaker 3: will really cause a lot of people to feel uncomfortable.

669
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 3: So that's why when people make outcries, people will either

670
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,040
Speaker 3: react with hostility and or they'll they'll at the same

671
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:37,960
Speaker 3: time try to cover it up. So the idea of

672
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 3: dysfunction is just makes people really uncomfortable from the bubbles

673
00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:44,880
Speaker 3: that they're in and the access to power and control

674
00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:48,640
Speaker 3: that they have in their families. And that's why Mariani

675
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:51,480
Speaker 3: talking about Mariani's is such a big deal, because you

676
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:55,640
Speaker 3: have more daughters that have these advanced degrees and businesses

677
00:36:56,440 --> 00:37:00,000
Speaker 3: that their tolerance level for the abuse and the BS

678
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:06,960
Speaker 3: as it starts to decline, and unfortunately, I still get

679
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:10,839
Speaker 3: a lot of people who I can tell they're really

680
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 3: resistant to my content, even community healers that tend to

681
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:22,160
Speaker 3: want to focus on forgiveness and Marianismo and almost like

682
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:25,400
Speaker 3: they and I get it. It's different for everybody. I

683
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:28,000
Speaker 3: have some times they want to use forgiveness that hey,

684
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:31,080
Speaker 3: go for it, and I'll help them with that. But

685
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 3: there's I think so many that I say, no, I

686
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:38,040
Speaker 3: want justice for what I've been through and I don't

687
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 3: want to use a tool that's been used in my

688
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:45,600
Speaker 3: religious trauma. I'm still talking about it and seeking support

689
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:49,280
Speaker 3: for them works better than somebody whose way of coping

690
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:53,360
Speaker 3: is more rooted and like Christianity and white supremacy. So

691
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 3: there's so many layers to it.

692
00:37:55,719 --> 00:37:58,000
Speaker 1: That's a great that's a great point. We haven't even

693
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:01,240
Speaker 1: talked about religion at all. Here's a really great point,

694
00:38:01,239 --> 00:38:04,600
Speaker 1: the emphasis on forgiveness when someone has clearly harmed you

695
00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:08,520
Speaker 1: for years, decades, depending on the circumstance, and that that's

696
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,000
Speaker 1: sometimes not the forgiveness is not there, it's not enough.

697
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 1: I don't want to forgive you. Actually, I want to

698
00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:15,759
Speaker 1: cut you off or whatever that may be for someone y.

699
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:19,400
Speaker 3: I always encourage my clients and followers like, sit in

700
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:22,040
Speaker 3: your anger. That's why for me, I will be no

701
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:24,680
Speaker 3: contact with my mother in the afterlife because I want

702
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:26,880
Speaker 3: to sit in my anger because I wasn't allowed to

703
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 3: when I was little. That was not an option, you know,

704
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 3: to sit there and be angry or be sad. So

705
00:38:35,280 --> 00:38:39,040
Speaker 3: I encourage you know, that that relationship with anger and

706
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:46,320
Speaker 3: rage and to hopefully use that to fuel change. Yeah.

707
00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's something my therapist tells me, Like what can

708
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 1: we learn from anger? Right instead of stifling it and

709
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:53,440
Speaker 1: trying to change it and make it positive? Like what

710
00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:56,200
Speaker 1: is it actually teaching us? And how can it protect us?

711
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 1: And I love what you said. How can it feel

712
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:01,640
Speaker 1: us to make a change or be a change?

713
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:07,320
Speaker 3: Oh, definitely, especially in our relationships because oftentimes our relationships

714
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:10,680
Speaker 3: who we date, their friends, even at work, there's parallels

715
00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:14,280
Speaker 3: to the relationships we have with family, and so self

716
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,719
Speaker 3: doubt tends to creep up quite a bit. So when

717
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 3: you really start to examine your relationship with emotions and

718
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:24,680
Speaker 3: boundaries with family, you can learn how to make changes

719
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:27,640
Speaker 3: in other aspects of life. But see, going back to

720
00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:29,760
Speaker 3: that question is why don't families want to talk about

721
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:35,040
Speaker 3: it is because it leads you down to connecting or

722
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:38,359
Speaker 3: seeking support outside of the family. And that's where, like

723
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:43,960
Speaker 3: having different values, interests, opinions becomes an issue. So they

724
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,040
Speaker 3: try to protect that with their framework of values and

725
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:53,120
Speaker 3: beliefs that have ideologies rooted in white supremacies. So being

726
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 3: a woman and being educated is really goes against their

727
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:01,160
Speaker 3: idea of what a woman should, how daughters and sisters

728
00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:04,319
Speaker 3: should behave, and how they should present themselves and all that.

729
00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:06,799
Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much for joining us today and

730
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:10,799
Speaker 1: telling your story. How can folks connect with you? How

731
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:13,560
Speaker 1: can they keep up with your work? Tell us more?

732
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,160
Speaker 3: Thank you so Actually, most people can find me on

733
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:21,640
Speaker 3: Instagram and TikTok under latinx estrangement and there you'll see

734
00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:24,640
Speaker 3: my obviously my content and support groups that I promote

735
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,400
Speaker 3: throughout the year. I do have a group coming up

736
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:29,520
Speaker 3: at the end of the month, and it's really a

737
00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:32,120
Speaker 3: post holiday support group because I know a lot of

738
00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:36,600
Speaker 3: people are reflecting on the recent interactions or the loss

739
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 3: of family during the holidays and then throughouts from there,

740
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:45,279
Speaker 3: it's just different events that will come up. Yeah, that's

741
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:48,320
Speaker 3: pretty much it. I offer individual therapy and coaching.

742
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:50,680
Speaker 2: Well, if you'll Letta, thank you so much for your

743
00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:53,400
Speaker 2: time and your expertise and like Giosa said, sharing your

744
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:55,960
Speaker 2: story and being so vulnerable. This is the side of

745
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 2: our culture that I think we don't talk about or celebrate.

746
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:01,560
Speaker 1: Nobody wants to talk about it.

747
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:04,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, but it's really important to share these narratives. So

748
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 2: thank you again. Lokaa Radio a radio phonic Novela, is

749
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:13,719
Speaker 2: executive produced and hosted by Me, Mala Munos and Viosa Fem.

750
00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:16,480
Speaker 1: Story editing by Me Diosa.

751
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:17,720
Speaker 2: Audio editing by Stephanie Franco.

752
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,200
Speaker 1: Thank you to our localmotives, our listeners for all of

753
00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:20,760
Speaker 1: your support.

754
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:37,040
Speaker 3: Test me Folks Radio a radio phonic.

755
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:40,720
Speaker 2: Novela hosted by Mala Munos.

756
00:41:40,400 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 4: And Diosa Fem. Take us to your network, sh