Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrik lover to WIB and
Speaker 1: you need to hear this. This week, we have a
Speaker 1: very interesting call about a sibling relationship. If you are
Speaker 1: the only child, you will appreciate this episode because you
Speaker 1: will be like, thank goodness. But for those of us
Speaker 1: who have siblings, you know that there are times where
Speaker 1: the relationship can be rocky, and when you have that
Speaker 1: rocky relationship with a sibling, it often impacts the relationship
Speaker 1: with your parent. Some of us have amazing relationships with
Speaker 1: our siblings. It can look like a real friendship. You know,
Speaker 1: there is this understanding of who you are, there's this
Speaker 1: mutual support. And then there are others where perhaps you're
Speaker 1: dealing with some resentment and the relationship some undiagnosed mental
Speaker 1: health issues. Perhaps there has been situations where this person
Speaker 1: has always been enabled, or they have a codependent relationship
Speaker 1: with your parent. There are all sorts of things that
Speaker 1: can happen to damage or destroy those sibling relationships. So
Speaker 1: today's letter we will be going through situations that involve
Speaker 1: a family member who has a mental health issue that
Speaker 1: is undiagnosed or diagnosed but certainly not being treated. There
Speaker 1: are many times where we may feel like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: you know, if this person was getting treatment, they would
Speaker 1: be better. But I want to tell you that sometimes
Speaker 1: even when people are getting treatment, they're going to therapy,
Speaker 1: maybe even taken medication, you may not see those changes
Speaker 1: in the relationship. And that's not to discourage anyone from
Speaker 1: pushing a sibling or love one to do that. But
Speaker 1: people come to their own agreements in the treatment process,
Speaker 1: and sometimes those things that you have an issue with
Speaker 1: aren't the things that they're treating. Sometimes people know that
Speaker 1: they have certain mental health things going on and they
Speaker 1: don't want the treatment. It's all a very complicated part
Speaker 1: of life. And in today's call, we will listen as
Speaker 1: a loved one talks about their relationship issues with a
Speaker 1: family member who is not getting help but truly needs it.
Speaker 1: Let's get into today's message.
Speaker 2: Hi, my name is Casey. I am thirty two years old.
Speaker 2: My question has to do with how to set boundaries
Speaker 2: with someone who is affecting you and your life negatively,
Speaker 2: that is a family member. But the kafiat is they
Speaker 2: suffer from mental illness. So my brother's thirty three years old,
Speaker 2: he's suffered from mental illness for the last probably twelve
Speaker 2: thirteen years now, he's never really been compliant with therapy
Speaker 2: or treatment, despite efforts on our family's behalf. Some diagnoses
Speaker 2: that come to mine are bipolar disorder, anxiety mania, depression,
Speaker 2: but more recently borderline personality disorder. I will add that
Speaker 2: I am a nurse practitioner, so I do have a
Speaker 2: general knowledge of mental illness and treatments available, although my
Speaker 2: knowledge and suggestions are not taken seriously by my family,
Speaker 2: it seems, which is another thing. So my brother can
Speaker 2: be very verbally mentally abusive just whenever he's in a
Speaker 2: bad place, he'll reach out, and I seem to be
Speaker 2: his main target. He has a lot of resentment towards
Speaker 2: me for I guess not being mentally ill and deemed
Speaker 2: successful and healthy in his eyes. So I feel like
Speaker 2: I'm constantly berated for it, and unprovoked at that. So
Speaker 2: there's been several times throughout the last two years that
Speaker 2: I the behavior is getting worse and I've had to
Speaker 2: block him as it was interfering with my relationship with
Speaker 2: my thank Beyonce now husband.
Speaker 1: There were a few mental health diagnoses thrown around here.
Speaker 1: I think many of us may be familiar with what
Speaker 1: anxiety is, maybe what depression is, but there was a
Speaker 1: personality issue sort of thrown around here. And I will
Speaker 1: say with personality diagnosis, it can be very challenging for
Speaker 1: a person to want to own that because your personality
Speaker 1: is your personality, right, And so now we're saying this
Speaker 1: person's behaviors of blaming others, being really reactive has manifested
Speaker 1: themselves as an overall personality. That is a very big
Speaker 1: thing for your brother to address. And without the proper therapist,
Speaker 1: he may have a hard time understanding what that actually
Speaker 1: means for his relationship. So when you say he has
Speaker 1: borderline personality disorder, I wonder how you treat him based
Speaker 1: on that label. Are you looking at the symptoms or
Speaker 1: are you looking at the label of what that means?
Speaker 1: And when I say the label, I mean you know,
Speaker 1: we know that people who have this diagnosis they may
Speaker 1: be a little more self absorbed, They have chronic issues
Speaker 1: with relationships, gas lighting and lying and all of these
Speaker 1: sorts of things, and we attribute it to, oh, this
Speaker 1: person is borderline. They can't get any better, they can't
Speaker 1: learn anything, you know, with any diagnosis. Oh this person
Speaker 1: is anxious, Oh this person is that they have no agency.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something. Your brother has a diagnosis,
Speaker 1: and that diagnosis is not who he is. He still
Speaker 1: has some agency, And what I'm hearing is with that agency,
Speaker 1: he is choosing not to be in care. He's not
Speaker 1: getting any help with some of these things that he's
Speaker 1: been diagnosed as having. I wonder if a diagnosis can
Speaker 1: be accurate when you're in and out of care, when
Speaker 1: you have multiples, when you have bipolar disorder, anxiety, mania, depression,
Speaker 1: and borderline, like, what is true of that? Has he
Speaker 1: even built a relationship with a therapist who might be
Speaker 1: able to say, you know, I'm noticing some attachment issues here.
Speaker 1: Now you know, formerly we may call that borderline, but
Speaker 1: what I'm seeing is an insecure attachment style. I'm noticing
Speaker 1: that sometimes you get really sad when people don't respond
Speaker 1: to you in a certain way, and it leads to
Speaker 1: this depression. Without him being in care, those connections cannot
Speaker 1: be made, and so all you may see on the
Speaker 1: outside is all of the behaviors that are untreated. Here's
Speaker 1: the thing. You note that the mental illness is a caveat,
Speaker 1: which prompted me to think of a whole list of
Speaker 1: caveats we could come up with. You know, the caveat
Speaker 1: is he has mental illness, right, and I'm thinking other caveats.
Speaker 1: They suffer from mental illness, they suffer from addiction, they
Speaker 1: had a hard childhood, they're not as smart as me,
Speaker 1: like any life circumstance. To some extent, we could say, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, this person is treating me this way because
Speaker 1: they didn't make the baseball team. This person is treating
Speaker 1: me this way because of whatever, right when, in actuality,
Speaker 1: to some extent, there is some choice in how they
Speaker 1: treat other people. Now, of course, we think about emotional regulation,
Speaker 1: we think about you know, factors of trauma, and all
Speaker 1: of these things which will guide our choices. But ultimately,
Speaker 1: if it were true that people who had mental illness
Speaker 1: mistreat others, everyone with depression, anxiety, borderline, or bipolar would
Speaker 1: mistreat people. That is not the case. Your brother, in particular,
Speaker 1: separate from his diagnosis, is mistreating you. He's being verbally,
Speaker 1: mentally and emotionally abusive to you. Is mental health a
Speaker 1: factor there, Yeah, potentially, However, it's not like it has
Speaker 1: to cause these behaviors that you're seeing with him. So
Speaker 1: because he's not addressing his stuff because he is not
Speaker 1: getting treatment. This is the manifestation of who he is
Speaker 1: in your life to the point it is interfering with
Speaker 1: your relationship with your fiance. I recently read an article
Speaker 1: in a psychotherapy networker magazine just talking about how we
Speaker 1: can take a diagnosis and really start to see the
Speaker 1: person from the lens of the diagnosis. So if they
Speaker 1: have generalized anxiety disorder, we push it to that, Oh,
Speaker 1: they're doing this because they're anxious. They're doing this, or
Speaker 1: this is how I have to treat them because they
Speaker 1: have depression, or this is how I have to treat
Speaker 1: this person because they are borderline, or this is the
Speaker 1: behavior they're able to exhibit in my life. I have
Speaker 1: to make space for that. When in actuality, there's choice
Speaker 1: on both sides. You know, you get to choose what
Speaker 1: your boundaries are, and your brother, to some extent, gets
Speaker 1: to choose whether or not he wants treatment for his issues.
Speaker 1: When we come back for break, I'm hoping we'll hear
Speaker 1: more about the boundaries you're establishing in this relationship with
Speaker 1: your brother.
Speaker 2: There's been several significant events recently throughout the last few
Speaker 2: years in my life that he has had to put
Speaker 2: on a show or sabotage and shift the attention on him.
Speaker 2: Some things that come to mind were my master's degree,
Speaker 2: graduation from nurse practitioner school, me getting engaged, me getting married,
Speaker 2: and most recently, my husband and I found out that
Speaker 2: we are expecting and what do you know, yet again
Speaker 2: another outburst group message to the whole family, attacking everyone.
Speaker 2: So at present, he is blocked. But the caveat is
Speaker 2: he does have mental illness and I am aware of that,
Speaker 2: which makes it really difficult for me to stick to
Speaker 2: and reinforce my boundaries for me to have a better life.
Speaker 2: I will say that his behavior has significantly affected my
Speaker 2: family in general, and to an extent, my growing family
Speaker 2: with my husband, to the point where my husband refuses
Speaker 2: to have anything to do with my brother and will
Speaker 2: barely tolerate my mother because of her enabling him.
Speaker 1: When dealing with someone who has an addiction or mental illness,
Speaker 1: it can be very peaceful for us to offer them
Speaker 1: some grace and also we have to hold our boundaries
Speaker 1: with them. You can love people by placing boundaries, and
Speaker 1: that is a way for you to take care of
Speaker 1: yourself in harmful situations. I'm hearing that this mental illness
Speaker 1: is causing lots of toxicity in your relationship with your husband,
Speaker 1: to the point that he doesn't even want to be
Speaker 1: around your mother and your brother, and even in your
Speaker 1: relation relationship with your mother, I wonder what do you
Speaker 1: need from your mother? You know much of this is
Speaker 1: focused on your brother, but now I'm hearing that because
Speaker 1: your mother is very codependent with your brother, I'm sure
Speaker 1: that there is something missing in her relationship with you.
Speaker 1: How do you address with your mom what your needs
Speaker 1: are in the relationship with her. Could it be that
Speaker 1: it would be hopeful for her to stay out of
Speaker 1: your interactions with your brother? How do you speak that
Speaker 1: to your mother? Mom, I understand you're trying to be hopeful,
Speaker 1: and you love your son. I wouldn't have any other
Speaker 1: way for you. However, as my brother, things are very
Speaker 1: damaging between the two of us, so I would love
Speaker 1: it if you stayed out of it. Have you declared
Speaker 1: that to your mother? Have you set that boundary with her?
Speaker 1: Because I'm sure the level of guilt tripping that she's
Speaker 1: giving you is causing you to get back into this
Speaker 1: cycle of verbal emotional you know, abuse with your brother.
Speaker 1: So part of it is you'll have to set boundaries
Speaker 1: not just with your brother, but also with your mother.
Speaker 1: Now you have two teammates, you have you know your dad,
Speaker 1: who is understanding of the situation, and you have your husband,
Speaker 1: so you do have some support for placing these boundaries
Speaker 1: with your brother. One of the things that I hear
Speaker 1: you saying over and over is he's mentally ill and
Speaker 1: he doesn't mean it. How do you know he doesn't
Speaker 1: mean it? How do you know that? I think sometimes
Speaker 1: we assume that people don't want to hurt us when
Speaker 1: they're doing hurtful things. Right, It's like they're not trying
Speaker 1: to hurt me by cursing me out, Well, what are
Speaker 1: they trying to do by you know, like, what are
Speaker 1: they trying to do? I think that is the intention
Speaker 1: behind it. They are trying to hurt you. So we
Speaker 1: have to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves that sometimes
Speaker 1: people really are trying to hurt us, and they do
Speaker 1: mean it. They want to see a sweat, they want
Speaker 1: to see a sad. Is the intention behind it pure?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. Maybe it's because they're hurt, Maybe because they
Speaker 1: want to see some reaction out of us. But they
Speaker 1: are intending to do it. So giving your brother this
Speaker 1: level of escape from any responsibility isn't helpful for your
Speaker 1: boundary setting process. If your goal here is to improve
Speaker 1: your boundaries in the relationship with your brother, you can
Speaker 1: offer him grace without giving him excuses for poor behavior.
Speaker 1: You can say, wow, my brother has had a really
Speaker 1: difficult time with mental health. Wow, he is not a
Speaker 1: point where he is ready to receive the help. I
Speaker 1: hope he gets the help that he needs. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that in the process of him dealing with this stuff,
Speaker 1: you have to be his primary target for abuse and
Speaker 1: neglect of the relationship. Even if he gets help, you know,
Speaker 1: I spoke about this at the top of this Even
Speaker 1: if he gets help, it may not be helpful for
Speaker 1: what you need to see from him. His help might
Speaker 1: be him becoming employed, him having a better relationship with
Speaker 1: your mother. You can't even control what the help in
Speaker 1: his life could look like. He'll even determine not because
Speaker 1: once again, he has choice. So this idea that, oh,
Speaker 1: if he would just go to therapy, he would be
Speaker 1: such a nicer person. I'll tell you what. One time
Speaker 1: I was talking to a person who has some mean tendencies.
Speaker 1: They too have these you know, emotional outbursts and they're
Speaker 1: verbally abusive, and you know, they can be really aggressive.
Speaker 1: And I was saying something about therapy and they revealed
Speaker 1: to me they've been going to therapy for two years.
Speaker 1: And I said, oh my gosh, this person has been
Speaker 1: going to therapy and they were making fun of the
Speaker 1: therapy process. They had to go to therapy to get
Speaker 1: other supports and resources in their life, and I was
Speaker 1: just like, oh my gosh, Therapy is not a cure
Speaker 1: for people who don't want the help. Therapy is not
Speaker 1: a cure for people who don't want to make certain
Speaker 1: changes in their life. I've done therapy with folks who
Speaker 1: are mandated to go, and they're there because they want
Speaker 1: whatever service they have to go for. They don't want
Speaker 1: to be on probation or they don't you know, whatever,
Speaker 1: they want to maintain house or whatever it is. Some
Speaker 1: of those folks they take it, they use it as
Speaker 1: a tool and they really grow, and others it's just
Speaker 1: some thing to do with their time because they have
Speaker 1: to do it. So telling someone, hey, if you go
Speaker 1: to therapy, you know all these behavior issues you have,
Speaker 1: they will be resolved that is not true. You may
Speaker 1: need therapy to deal with the codependency in your family,
Speaker 1: to deal with the resentment that you likely have towards
Speaker 1: your mother and your brother. Your mother is overparenting one child.
Speaker 1: I don't know if she's underparenting you, but she's certainly
Speaker 1: doing a lot for your brother. How do you feel
Speaker 1: about that? How does that impact the relationship with your mother.
Speaker 1: You're trying to figure out a way to place these
Speaker 1: boundaries with your brother, but it's going to be you
Speaker 1: placing these boundaries also with your mother, with your child
Speaker 1: in mind, with this idea that but your marriage is
Speaker 1: now being impacted by your relationship with your brother. I'm
Speaker 1: sure your mental health is being challenged by having to
Speaker 1: always be in these chaotic dynamics with your mom, your brother,
Speaker 1: your brother, your mom. That impacts your mental health. So
Speaker 1: I know this is about your brother's mental health, but
Speaker 1: you have mental health as well. You have needs for
Speaker 1: your relationships, and that's as important as anybody else's needs
Speaker 1: mentioned in this letter. You are valued, you are important.
Speaker 1: Your needs also need to be met in your relationships.
Speaker 1: Let's listen to this last part.
Speaker 2: So additionally, there's a lot of resentment from me towards
Speaker 2: my mom in the way that she has handled him
Speaker 2: in the last twelve years and enabled him. Their relationship
Speaker 2: is very codependent, so there's multiple layers to this situation.
Speaker 2: We do have a very small family. My father and
Speaker 2: I are on the same page as my parents are divorced,
Speaker 2: and my mother has sheltered, clothed, fed, and supported my
Speaker 2: brother one hundred percent over the last twelve years or so.
Speaker 2: He's barely kept down a job or lived independently at
Speaker 2: all for that matter. But my mother will often try
Speaker 2: to mediate the relationship between my brother and I and
Speaker 2: guilt trip me by saying things like, well, you know
Speaker 2: that he's mentally ill and he doesn't mean it and
Speaker 2: all he needs is love from his sister. So there's
Speaker 2: also an immense amount of pressure on me to fix
Speaker 2: him or support him or constantly communicate with him. But
Speaker 2: it's very one sided, like he'll never reach out to
Speaker 2: family members until he's having an episode, and then no
Speaker 2: one loves him, no one cares about him, woe is me,
Speaker 2: so on and so forth, and then the rest of
Speaker 2: the family are terrible. But most of the behavior is
Speaker 2: directed towards me. His younger sister for whatever reason, and
Speaker 2: I'm just trying to simply live my life. But it
Speaker 2: seems like everything I do is in spite of him,
Speaker 2: and that he's personally affected by it in some way
Speaker 2: or it's a personal disc towards him. So I'm really
Speaker 2: struggling again to reinforce these boundaries just because of the
Speaker 2: simple fact that I am aware that he is mentally ill,
Speaker 2: so that there's a gray area there. And then my
Speaker 2: mom her saying things like, oh, it's killing me you
Speaker 2: and him talking, especially now that I'm expecting with the
Speaker 2: first grandchild, so this is really affecting my relationship with
Speaker 2: my mom. So yeah, I'm just having a really difficult time,
Speaker 2: and i don't know how to proceed. I have listened
Speaker 2: to a lot of your podcasts and read a good
Speaker 2: amount of your book, Drama Free, which I find is
Speaker 2: very helpful, especially the sibling chapter, but it seems there
Speaker 2: haven't been any examples thus far about any type of
Speaker 2: behavior from someone who is suffering from borderline personality disorder
Speaker 2: or manic depressive disorder. I'll also add that you know
Speaker 2: I've suggested and set up appointments for him in the past,
Speaker 2: that he's never followed through with and you know, over
Speaker 2: and over again feel saying things to me like why
Speaker 2: won't you help me? And you know, it's just impossible
Speaker 2: to figure out what help looks like to him, and
Speaker 2: I just don't think it is achievable. So this is
Speaker 2: an immensely stressful situation. You know, I'm trying to focus
Speaker 2: on my new career growth and my own growing family,
Speaker 2: and I just need a little bit of clarity surrounding this.
Speaker 2: So any insight or discussion from this would be really helpful.
Speaker 1: Turn your page to the Hymnal Drama Free on page
Speaker 1: one point fifteen. There is some information on the impact
Speaker 1: of mental health issues on relationships. In this portion of
Speaker 1: the book, I talk about whether the issue is diagnosed
Speaker 1: and being treated, or if it is undiagnosed, and you
Speaker 1: suspect a person might be having anxiety, depression and all
Speaker 1: of these things. I thought it was important to include
Speaker 1: that in the book because there are times where our
Speaker 1: mental health issues impact our relationships, particularly when we're not
Speaker 1: addressing the challenges we're having. We all have challenges, you know,
Speaker 1: it's not just your brother. You have your own stuff
Speaker 1: going on. And what's really hopeful is when you try
Speaker 1: to be aware of and work through yourself so that
Speaker 1: it's not speeling over into your relationships with people. Also
Speaker 1: in that portion of the book, on page one seventeen,
Speaker 1: I talk specifically about personality issues and how those impact
Speaker 1: relationships with our loved ones. In families, there is this
Speaker 1: idea that you have to tolerate stuff because it is family,
Speaker 1: because it is your brother and he he has Because
Speaker 1: it is your brother and he has been diagnosed with depression,
Speaker 1: you should tolerate it. Whatever that manifestation of his depressed
Speaker 1: episodes or his behaviors, his explosions, you should tolerate it
Speaker 1: because it's your brother. When in actuality, there has to
Speaker 1: be some allowance for people to say, enough is enough.
Speaker 1: This is now impacting my mental health. I'm going to
Speaker 1: be depressed because this person is mistreating me. I'm anxious
Speaker 1: about being around them. I am now avoiding them because
Speaker 1: of all of these things that are happening in our relationship.
Speaker 1: The thing with mental health issues is we do have
Speaker 1: have to look at it. We should have that grace
Speaker 1: towards you know, someone having you know, maybe depression or anxiety,
Speaker 1: and we need to deal with the behavior. One day,
Speaker 1: I was on my way home from work, and there
Speaker 1: was a guy at the light asking for change, but
Speaker 1: he was doing it very aggressively. He was yelling in
Speaker 1: people cars. He was like waving his hands like he
Speaker 1: was going to fight people, you know. He was tapping
Speaker 1: on people windows. And I said, whoa, this is more
Speaker 1: than people typically sign up for when they stop at
Speaker 1: a light. And so I called the police and the
Speaker 1: first thing I said was, there is someone at the light.
Speaker 1: I believe he has a mental health issue. I want
Speaker 1: that to be clear. This is a mental health call.
Speaker 1: But he is being aggressive about asking people for money
Speaker 1: and for change. I wanted them to know that because
Speaker 1: I wanted them to keep it in mind and also
Speaker 1: come see about this situation. I don't want you to
Speaker 1: ignore the situation because he has a mental health issue.
Speaker 1: I want you to still address it, but I want
Speaker 1: you to do that with the thought of, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this is not just a person being violent. There is
Speaker 1: something here that maybe we need to say. There's a
Speaker 1: particular way we need to address the situation. We don't
Speaker 1: need to be on guard in certain ways. We need
Speaker 1: to know that this person is dealing with some things
Speaker 1: and their mental health is not being managed. That is
Speaker 1: the way that you walk into that situation. You don't
Speaker 1: ignore the situation. That's not helping all of these folks
Speaker 1: who are having their windows tapped on and being yelled at.
Speaker 1: That's not helpful. So when we think about, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this person has, you know, this challenge and I have
Speaker 1: to have grace for it, or I have to deal
Speaker 1: with it, or I have to be in relationship with them,
Speaker 1: we have to think about what that relationship can look
Speaker 1: like with a person who is not receiving treatment. What
Speaker 1: can that relationship look like when the person may be
Speaker 1: receiving treatment and they still aren't improving, You get to
Speaker 1: decide that. That's where your boundaries come into play. So
Speaker 1: with your brother, it might be, hey, you're blocked, but
Speaker 1: maybe every three months, I'll give you a call. I'll
Speaker 1: call you every three months just to check on you.
Speaker 1: It could also look like I am block you and
Speaker 1: you can just call me in you know, yell at
Speaker 1: me whenever you want to. Or it could look like
Speaker 1: maybe if you don't seem calm when I answer the phone,
Speaker 1: I will say that, hey, you're not calm, let me
Speaker 1: give you a callback. There are all sorts of things
Speaker 1: you can do in this relationship if you want to
Speaker 1: have it, and really it's about figuring out what thing
Speaker 1: could work that will cause you the least amount of
Speaker 1: emotional frustration, because right now you're in a situation where
Speaker 1: you're completely in or you're completely out. So I'm blocking
Speaker 1: you or I'm all in the relationship. Perhaps what you
Speaker 1: want is to do a little dance around having some
Speaker 1: sort of connection or contact and really trying to manage
Speaker 1: what that connection in contact can look like. If you
Speaker 1: know that he sporadically calls and has these outbursts, then
Speaker 1: it might be appropriate to some extent to say, hey,
Speaker 1: you just can't freely call me, and you can place
Speaker 1: boundaries around what that could look like. You know, that
Speaker 1: could be again you blocking him, It could be you know,
Speaker 1: you calling him on some sort of periodic basis. You
Speaker 1: could even say something like, you know, every Sunday we'll talk.
Speaker 1: You figure out what that looks like and what could
Speaker 1: be hopeful for you. In the relationship with your mother,
Speaker 1: there also needs to be some boundaries placed. You need
Speaker 1: to talk to her about what can and what cannot happen.
Speaker 1: You know, the truth of it is, your brother may
Speaker 1: change tomorrow he might not change. He might change in
Speaker 1: a year, he might change in five years. We don't know.
Speaker 1: And what you're dealing with is what's happening today, what
Speaker 1: happened last week, what happened one month ago. Until you
Speaker 1: see some changes and you see those things done consistently,
Speaker 1: I don't know if it makes sense for you to
Speaker 1: continue to put yourself in these situations where you're feeling
Speaker 1: this level of emotional damage. I know it's your brother,
Speaker 1: but it sounds like you are very clear, like, ough,
Speaker 1: this is having a significant impact on my life. It's
Speaker 1: having a significant impact on my relationship. And guess what,
Speaker 1: when you have this baby, it's going to have a
Speaker 1: significant impact on your relationship with your child because you'll
Speaker 1: be parenting with this spirit that you have now. So
Speaker 1: if you want to feel better about this situation, it
Speaker 1: may not be waiting for your brother to go to
Speaker 1: therapy and get help and you know all of this support,
Speaker 1: it's going to be you making some changes in the relationship.
Speaker 1: You need to hear this. Giving someone a resource is help,
Speaker 1: pointing them in the right direction, Offering them a book,
Speaker 1: suggesting things Europy, those are all ways to help. Your
Speaker 1: job is not to cure them. Sometimes we think that
Speaker 1: the cure for their issue is us doing something to
Speaker 1: make them better, but just setting something in their lap,
Speaker 1: offering them the tools is the help that is a resource.
Speaker 1: You do not have the power to make them do
Speaker 1: anything with the resources you offer. I know that's hard,
Speaker 1: and I know it's particularly hard when it is family,
Speaker 1: because there is this idea that you are powerful enough
Speaker 1: to overcome this thing with them, and the demonstration of
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, maybe I'm not power enough. Is the frustration,
Speaker 1: the resentment, the boundary issues, the panic, the anxiety that
Speaker 1: you start to experience having to deal with a peron
Speaker 1: who does not want your help, they don't want resources.
Speaker 1: You can still be in relationship with them, but it's
Speaker 1: important for you to figure out how to be in
Speaker 1: relationships with people who are not ready to change. You
Speaker 1: need to hear. This is an iHeart production hosted by
Speaker 1: Mendra Glover to WOP. Our executive producer is Joe L. Baldique.
Speaker 1: Our senior producer and editor is Mia don Taylor. Send
Speaker 1: us a voice memo with your questions about boundaries and
Speaker 1: relationships that you need to hear. This at iHeartMedia dot
Speaker 1: com right now I'm really interested in hearing more stories
Speaker 1: from parents who are strange from their children, also people
Speaker 1: who are having marriage issues. I don't know about you,
Speaker 1: but I feel like I am in this space and
Speaker 1: life where I'm I'm hearing more and more about, you know,
Speaker 1: marriages and women initiating divorce. So I am really interested
Speaker 1: in hearing more about some of your marriage issues and
Speaker 1: self sabotage. What are you struggling with. What are some
Speaker 1: of the things that you find really hard to do,
Speaker 1: What are your barriers, what are your blocks? I'd love
Speaker 1: to hear more on three things estrangement, marriage issues, and
Speaker 1: self sabotage.