WEBVTT - Relinquish Your Power 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:06.600 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nedrik lover to WIB and 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:09.960 you need to hear this. This week, we have a 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:15.280 very interesting call about a sibling relationship. If you are 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:19.079 the only child, you will appreciate this episode because you 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:22.599 will be like, thank goodness. But for those of us 0:00:22.640 --> 0:00:26.720 who have siblings, you know that there are times where 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:30.880 the relationship can be rocky, and when you have that 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:36.800 rocky relationship with a sibling, it often impacts the relationship 0:00:37.200 --> 0:00:43.239 with your parent. Some of us have amazing relationships with 0:00:43.280 --> 0:00:46.720 our siblings. It can look like a real friendship. You know, 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:51.479 there is this understanding of who you are, there's this 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:57.240 mutual support. And then there are others where perhaps you're 0:00:57.240 --> 0:01:01.920 dealing with some resentment and the relationship some undiagnosed mental 0:01:01.960 --> 0:01:06.960 health issues. Perhaps there has been situations where this person 0:01:07.040 --> 0:01:11.240 has always been enabled, or they have a codependent relationship 0:01:11.280 --> 0:01:14.680 with your parent. There are all sorts of things that 0:01:14.720 --> 0:01:20.720 can happen to damage or destroy those sibling relationships. So 0:01:20.840 --> 0:01:26.440 today's letter we will be going through situations that involve 0:01:26.680 --> 0:01:30.039 a family member who has a mental health issue that 0:01:30.280 --> 0:01:35.600 is undiagnosed or diagnosed but certainly not being treated. There 0:01:35.600 --> 0:01:39.200 are many times where we may feel like, oh my gosh, 0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:42.120 you know, if this person was getting treatment, they would 0:01:42.120 --> 0:01:45.080 be better. But I want to tell you that sometimes 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:48.600 even when people are getting treatment, they're going to therapy, 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:53.240 maybe even taken medication, you may not see those changes 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:57.760 in the relationship. And that's not to discourage anyone from 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:01.240 pushing a sibling or love one to do that. But 0:02:01.960 --> 0:02:06.200 people come to their own agreements in the treatment process, 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:09.160 and sometimes those things that you have an issue with 0:02:09.800 --> 0:02:13.840 aren't the things that they're treating. Sometimes people know that 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:17.840 they have certain mental health things going on and they 0:02:17.840 --> 0:02:22.720 don't want the treatment. It's all a very complicated part 0:02:22.840 --> 0:02:27.280 of life. And in today's call, we will listen as 0:02:27.320 --> 0:02:31.480 a loved one talks about their relationship issues with a 0:02:31.560 --> 0:02:36.079 family member who is not getting help but truly needs it. 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:40.200 Let's get into today's message. 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:44.320 Hi, my name is Casey. I am thirty two years old. 0:02:45.040 --> 0:02:49.120 My question has to do with how to set boundaries 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:54.040 with someone who is affecting you and your life negatively, 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:58.360 that is a family member. But the kafiat is they 0:02:58.520 --> 0:03:04.560 suffer from mental illness. So my brother's thirty three years old, 0:03:05.280 --> 0:03:11.639 he's suffered from mental illness for the last probably twelve 0:03:11.800 --> 0:03:15.680 thirteen years now, he's never really been compliant with therapy 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:22.320 or treatment, despite efforts on our family's behalf. Some diagnoses 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:28.679 that come to mine are bipolar disorder, anxiety mania, depression, 0:03:29.840 --> 0:03:34.520 but more recently borderline personality disorder. I will add that 0:03:34.760 --> 0:03:38.080 I am a nurse practitioner, so I do have a 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:44.280 general knowledge of mental illness and treatments available, although my 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:49.600 knowledge and suggestions are not taken seriously by my family, 0:03:49.680 --> 0:03:56.600 it seems, which is another thing. So my brother can 0:03:56.640 --> 0:04:03.040 be very verbally mentally abusive just whenever he's in a 0:04:03.040 --> 0:04:07.400 bad place, he'll reach out, and I seem to be 0:04:07.480 --> 0:04:11.800 his main target. He has a lot of resentment towards 0:04:11.840 --> 0:04:17.440 me for I guess not being mentally ill and deemed 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:24.159 successful and healthy in his eyes. So I feel like 0:04:24.240 --> 0:04:28.480 I'm constantly berated for it, and unprovoked at that. So 0:04:28.520 --> 0:04:31.240 there's been several times throughout the last two years that 0:04:31.400 --> 0:04:34.760 I the behavior is getting worse and I've had to 0:04:34.760 --> 0:04:39.720 block him as it was interfering with my relationship with 0:04:39.760 --> 0:04:42.160 my thank Beyonce now husband. 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:48.839 There were a few mental health diagnoses thrown around here. 0:04:48.920 --> 0:04:51.400 I think many of us may be familiar with what 0:04:51.480 --> 0:04:56.120 anxiety is, maybe what depression is, but there was a 0:04:56.440 --> 0:05:00.680 personality issue sort of thrown around here. And I will 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:07.320 say with personality diagnosis, it can be very challenging for 0:05:07.560 --> 0:05:12.400 a person to want to own that because your personality 0:05:12.480 --> 0:05:16.480 is your personality, right, And so now we're saying this 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:25.359 person's behaviors of blaming others, being really reactive has manifested 0:05:25.440 --> 0:05:31.400 themselves as an overall personality. That is a very big 0:05:31.440 --> 0:05:36.920 thing for your brother to address. And without the proper therapist, 0:05:37.960 --> 0:05:41.440 he may have a hard time understanding what that actually 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:44.640 means for his relationship. So when you say he has 0:05:45.080 --> 0:05:50.920 borderline personality disorder, I wonder how you treat him based 0:05:50.960 --> 0:05:55.080 on that label. Are you looking at the symptoms or 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:58.960 are you looking at the label of what that means? 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:01.480 And when I say the label, I mean you know, 0:06:01.520 --> 0:06:06.440 we know that people who have this diagnosis they may 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:10.080 be a little more self absorbed, They have chronic issues 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:14.800 with relationships, gas lighting and lying and all of these 0:06:14.839 --> 0:06:18.040 sorts of things, and we attribute it to, oh, this 0:06:18.120 --> 0:06:20.960 person is borderline. They can't get any better, they can't 0:06:21.480 --> 0:06:25.160 learn anything, you know, with any diagnosis. Oh this person 0:06:25.440 --> 0:06:30.000 is anxious, Oh this person is that they have no agency. 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:34.719 But let me tell you something. Your brother has a diagnosis, 0:06:34.760 --> 0:06:38.560 and that diagnosis is not who he is. He still 0:06:38.680 --> 0:06:43.480 has some agency, And what I'm hearing is with that agency, 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:48.000 he is choosing not to be in care. He's not 0:06:48.040 --> 0:06:50.360 getting any help with some of these things that he's 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:54.680 been diagnosed as having. I wonder if a diagnosis can 0:06:54.680 --> 0:06:57.840 be accurate when you're in and out of care, when 0:06:58.240 --> 0:07:03.400 you have multiples, when you have bipolar disorder, anxiety, mania, depression, 0:07:03.600 --> 0:07:07.240 and borderline, like, what is true of that? Has he 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:11.040 even built a relationship with a therapist who might be 0:07:11.080 --> 0:07:15.560 able to say, you know, I'm noticing some attachment issues here. 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:18.880 Now you know, formerly we may call that borderline, but 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:23.960 what I'm seeing is an insecure attachment style. I'm noticing 0:07:24.080 --> 0:07:29.440 that sometimes you get really sad when people don't respond 0:07:29.560 --> 0:07:32.240 to you in a certain way, and it leads to 0:07:32.720 --> 0:07:38.920 this depression. Without him being in care, those connections cannot 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:41.200 be made, and so all you may see on the 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:46.440 outside is all of the behaviors that are untreated. Here's 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:52.680 the thing. You note that the mental illness is a caveat, 0:07:52.840 --> 0:07:55.120 which prompted me to think of a whole list of 0:07:55.240 --> 0:07:59.120 caveats we could come up with. You know, the caveat 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:04.760 is he has mental illness, right, and I'm thinking other caveats. 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:08.320 They suffer from mental illness, they suffer from addiction, they 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.640 had a hard childhood, they're not as smart as me, 0:08:11.840 --> 0:08:17.440 like any life circumstance. To some extent, we could say, oh, 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:20.760 you know, this person is treating me this way because 0:08:20.760 --> 0:08:23.720 they didn't make the baseball team. This person is treating 0:08:23.720 --> 0:08:29.960 me this way because of whatever, right when, in actuality, 0:08:30.240 --> 0:08:34.240 to some extent, there is some choice in how they 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:37.599 treat other people. Now, of course, we think about emotional regulation, 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:40.640 we think about you know, factors of trauma, and all 0:08:40.640 --> 0:08:44.360 of these things which will guide our choices. But ultimately, 0:08:45.040 --> 0:08:49.400 if it were true that people who had mental illness 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:57.319 mistreat others, everyone with depression, anxiety, borderline, or bipolar would 0:08:57.320 --> 0:09:02.840 mistreat people. That is not the case. Your brother, in particular, 0:09:03.040 --> 0:09:09.520 separate from his diagnosis, is mistreating you. He's being verbally, 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:17.440 mentally and emotionally abusive to you. Is mental health a 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:22.920 factor there, Yeah, potentially, However, it's not like it has 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:27.560 to cause these behaviors that you're seeing with him. So 0:09:27.720 --> 0:09:31.760 because he's not addressing his stuff because he is not 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:36.720 getting treatment. This is the manifestation of who he is 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:40.720 in your life to the point it is interfering with 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:46.760 your relationship with your fiance. I recently read an article 0:09:46.800 --> 0:09:51.560 in a psychotherapy networker magazine just talking about how we 0:09:51.720 --> 0:09:56.439 can take a diagnosis and really start to see the 0:09:56.480 --> 0:10:00.640 person from the lens of the diagnosis. So if they 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:04.600 have generalized anxiety disorder, we push it to that, Oh, 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:07.920 they're doing this because they're anxious. They're doing this, or 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:10.480 this is how I have to treat them because they 0:10:10.559 --> 0:10:13.520 have depression, or this is how I have to treat 0:10:13.520 --> 0:10:17.360 this person because they are borderline, or this is the 0:10:17.400 --> 0:10:20.880 behavior they're able to exhibit in my life. I have 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:24.520 to make space for that. When in actuality, there's choice 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:27.960 on both sides. You know, you get to choose what 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:31.920 your boundaries are, and your brother, to some extent, gets 0:10:31.920 --> 0:10:36.719 to choose whether or not he wants treatment for his issues. 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:40.120 When we come back for break, I'm hoping we'll hear 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:44.800 more about the boundaries you're establishing in this relationship with 0:10:44.840 --> 0:10:45.280 your brother. 0:10:51.520 --> 0:10:56.400 There's been several significant events recently throughout the last few 0:10:56.480 --> 0:11:00.760 years in my life that he has had to put 0:11:00.800 --> 0:11:04.520 on a show or sabotage and shift the attention on him. 0:11:04.840 --> 0:11:08.400 Some things that come to mind were my master's degree, 0:11:08.480 --> 0:11:13.560 graduation from nurse practitioner school, me getting engaged, me getting married, 0:11:13.559 --> 0:11:16.360 and most recently, my husband and I found out that 0:11:16.400 --> 0:11:19.640 we are expecting and what do you know, yet again 0:11:20.000 --> 0:11:25.520 another outburst group message to the whole family, attacking everyone. 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:31.040 So at present, he is blocked. But the caveat is 0:11:31.160 --> 0:11:34.480 he does have mental illness and I am aware of that, 0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:37.480 which makes it really difficult for me to stick to 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:41.480 and reinforce my boundaries for me to have a better life. 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:47.560 I will say that his behavior has significantly affected my 0:11:47.679 --> 0:11:52.600 family in general, and to an extent, my growing family 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:55.920 with my husband, to the point where my husband refuses 0:11:55.960 --> 0:12:00.760 to have anything to do with my brother and will 0:12:00.760 --> 0:12:05.000 barely tolerate my mother because of her enabling him. 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:11.120 When dealing with someone who has an addiction or mental illness, 0:12:11.920 --> 0:12:16.800 it can be very peaceful for us to offer them 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:25.440 some grace and also we have to hold our boundaries 0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:33.880 with them. You can love people by placing boundaries, and 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:36.240 that is a way for you to take care of 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:43.679 yourself in harmful situations. I'm hearing that this mental illness 0:12:44.080 --> 0:12:52.080 is causing lots of toxicity in your relationship with your husband, 0:12:52.120 --> 0:12:55.200 to the point that he doesn't even want to be 0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:59.640 around your mother and your brother, and even in your 0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:04.960 relation relationship with your mother, I wonder what do you 0:13:05.040 --> 0:13:07.040 need from your mother? You know much of this is 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:10.880 focused on your brother, but now I'm hearing that because 0:13:10.920 --> 0:13:15.640 your mother is very codependent with your brother, I'm sure 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:20.680 that there is something missing in her relationship with you. 0:13:21.480 --> 0:13:24.360 How do you address with your mom what your needs 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:28.560 are in the relationship with her. Could it be that 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:31.480 it would be hopeful for her to stay out of 0:13:31.520 --> 0:13:35.560 your interactions with your brother? How do you speak that 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:40.120 to your mother? Mom, I understand you're trying to be hopeful, 0:13:40.200 --> 0:13:43.160 and you love your son. I wouldn't have any other 0:13:43.200 --> 0:13:47.839 way for you. However, as my brother, things are very 0:13:48.520 --> 0:13:51.280 damaging between the two of us, so I would love 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:54.920 it if you stayed out of it. Have you declared 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:58.680 that to your mother? Have you set that boundary with her? 0:13:58.800 --> 0:14:03.040 Because I'm sure the level of guilt tripping that she's 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:06.800 giving you is causing you to get back into this 0:14:06.960 --> 0:14:11.400 cycle of verbal emotional you know, abuse with your brother. 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:14.439 So part of it is you'll have to set boundaries 0:14:14.480 --> 0:14:16.760 not just with your brother, but also with your mother. 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:20.600 Now you have two teammates, you have you know your dad, 0:14:21.000 --> 0:14:24.480 who is understanding of the situation, and you have your husband, 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:29.120 so you do have some support for placing these boundaries 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:32.440 with your brother. One of the things that I hear 0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:35.720 you saying over and over is he's mentally ill and 0:14:35.760 --> 0:14:38.800 he doesn't mean it. How do you know he doesn't 0:14:38.840 --> 0:14:42.760 mean it? How do you know that? I think sometimes 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:46.880 we assume that people don't want to hurt us when 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:50.320 they're doing hurtful things. Right, It's like they're not trying 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:53.920 to hurt me by cursing me out, Well, what are 0:14:53.920 --> 0:14:57.840 they trying to do by you know, like, what are 0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:00.440 they trying to do? I think that is the intention 0:15:00.600 --> 0:15:03.840 behind it. They are trying to hurt you. So we 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.880 have to acknowledge and be honest with ourselves that sometimes 0:15:06.880 --> 0:15:09.320 people really are trying to hurt us, and they do 0:15:09.480 --> 0:15:13.640 mean it. They want to see a sweat, they want 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:17.680 to see a sad. Is the intention behind it pure? 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:21.680 Absolutely not. Maybe it's because they're hurt, Maybe because they 0:15:21.720 --> 0:15:24.160 want to see some reaction out of us. But they 0:15:24.160 --> 0:15:29.880 are intending to do it. So giving your brother this 0:15:30.160 --> 0:15:36.720 level of escape from any responsibility isn't helpful for your 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:41.240 boundary setting process. If your goal here is to improve 0:15:41.320 --> 0:15:45.880 your boundaries in the relationship with your brother, you can 0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:50.960 offer him grace without giving him excuses for poor behavior. 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:55.360 You can say, wow, my brother has had a really 0:15:55.440 --> 0:16:00.160 difficult time with mental health. Wow, he is not a 0:16:00.160 --> 0:16:03.760 point where he is ready to receive the help. I 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:07.040 hope he gets the help that he needs. It doesn't 0:16:07.080 --> 0:16:10.320 mean that in the process of him dealing with this stuff, 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:14.360 you have to be his primary target for abuse and 0:16:14.680 --> 0:16:19.840 neglect of the relationship. Even if he gets help, you know, 0:16:19.880 --> 0:16:21.680 I spoke about this at the top of this Even 0:16:21.720 --> 0:16:25.600 if he gets help, it may not be helpful for 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:28.480 what you need to see from him. His help might 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:32.640 be him becoming employed, him having a better relationship with 0:16:32.720 --> 0:16:36.080 your mother. You can't even control what the help in 0:16:36.120 --> 0:16:40.160 his life could look like. He'll even determine not because 0:16:40.240 --> 0:16:46.120 once again, he has choice. So this idea that, oh, 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:48.040 if he would just go to therapy, he would be 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:51.200 such a nicer person. I'll tell you what. One time 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:55.320 I was talking to a person who has some mean tendencies. 0:16:55.440 --> 0:17:00.200 They too have these you know, emotional outbursts and they're 0:17:00.280 --> 0:17:03.520 verbally abusive, and you know, they can be really aggressive. 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:07.240 And I was saying something about therapy and they revealed 0:17:07.280 --> 0:17:09.560 to me they've been going to therapy for two years. 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:15.920 And I said, oh my gosh, this person has been 0:17:16.000 --> 0:17:20.040 going to therapy and they were making fun of the 0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:23.680 therapy process. They had to go to therapy to get 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:26.879 other supports and resources in their life, and I was 0:17:26.960 --> 0:17:30.879 just like, oh my gosh, Therapy is not a cure 0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:33.560 for people who don't want the help. Therapy is not 0:17:33.640 --> 0:17:37.320 a cure for people who don't want to make certain 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:41.560 changes in their life. I've done therapy with folks who 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:45.520 are mandated to go, and they're there because they want 0:17:45.560 --> 0:17:48.320 whatever service they have to go for. They don't want 0:17:48.359 --> 0:17:50.480 to be on probation or they don't you know, whatever, 0:17:50.560 --> 0:17:53.080 they want to maintain house or whatever it is. Some 0:17:53.160 --> 0:17:55.360 of those folks they take it, they use it as 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:59.679 a tool and they really grow, and others it's just 0:17:59.720 --> 0:18:02.120 some thing to do with their time because they have 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:06.159 to do it. So telling someone, hey, if you go 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:09.239 to therapy, you know all these behavior issues you have, 0:18:09.680 --> 0:18:14.080 they will be resolved that is not true. You may 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:20.040 need therapy to deal with the codependency in your family, 0:18:20.640 --> 0:18:25.720 to deal with the resentment that you likely have towards 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:31.520 your mother and your brother. Your mother is overparenting one child. 0:18:32.359 --> 0:18:35.439 I don't know if she's underparenting you, but she's certainly 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:39.240 doing a lot for your brother. How do you feel 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:44.040 about that? How does that impact the relationship with your mother. 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:49.000 You're trying to figure out a way to place these 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:52.760 boundaries with your brother, but it's going to be you 0:18:53.000 --> 0:18:57.200 placing these boundaries also with your mother, with your child 0:18:57.320 --> 0:19:01.399 in mind, with this idea that but your marriage is 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:04.840 now being impacted by your relationship with your brother. I'm 0:19:04.840 --> 0:19:09.320 sure your mental health is being challenged by having to 0:19:09.480 --> 0:19:14.439 always be in these chaotic dynamics with your mom, your brother, 0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:18.000 your brother, your mom. That impacts your mental health. So 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:21.160 I know this is about your brother's mental health, but 0:19:21.240 --> 0:19:24.199 you have mental health as well. You have needs for 0:19:24.280 --> 0:19:30.560 your relationships, and that's as important as anybody else's needs 0:19:30.600 --> 0:19:35.160 mentioned in this letter. You are valued, you are important. 0:19:35.600 --> 0:19:41.680 Your needs also need to be met in your relationships. 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:48.440 Let's listen to this last part. 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:52.800 So additionally, there's a lot of resentment from me towards 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:56.640 my mom in the way that she has handled him 0:19:56.960 --> 0:20:01.600 in the last twelve years and enabled him. Their relationship 0:20:01.640 --> 0:20:08.920 is very codependent, so there's multiple layers to this situation. 0:20:09.640 --> 0:20:13.359 We do have a very small family. My father and 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:16.399 I are on the same page as my parents are divorced, 0:20:16.480 --> 0:20:21.600 and my mother has sheltered, clothed, fed, and supported my 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:26.800 brother one hundred percent over the last twelve years or so. 0:20:27.480 --> 0:20:31.719 He's barely kept down a job or lived independently at 0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:35.680 all for that matter. But my mother will often try 0:20:35.720 --> 0:20:38.879 to mediate the relationship between my brother and I and 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:42.399 guilt trip me by saying things like, well, you know 0:20:42.480 --> 0:20:45.719 that he's mentally ill and he doesn't mean it and 0:20:45.800 --> 0:20:49.399 all he needs is love from his sister. So there's 0:20:49.560 --> 0:20:53.480 also an immense amount of pressure on me to fix 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:58.439 him or support him or constantly communicate with him. But 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:02.399 it's very one sided, like he'll never reach out to 0:21:02.520 --> 0:21:07.639 family members until he's having an episode, and then no 0:21:07.680 --> 0:21:10.080 one loves him, no one cares about him, woe is me, 0:21:11.080 --> 0:21:13.960 so on and so forth, and then the rest of 0:21:14.000 --> 0:21:16.479 the family are terrible. But most of the behavior is 0:21:16.520 --> 0:21:21.720 directed towards me. His younger sister for whatever reason, and 0:21:21.800 --> 0:21:25.239 I'm just trying to simply live my life. But it 0:21:25.240 --> 0:21:28.640 seems like everything I do is in spite of him, 0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:35.880 and that he's personally affected by it in some way 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:41.840 or it's a personal disc towards him. So I'm really 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:46.359 struggling again to reinforce these boundaries just because of the 0:21:46.400 --> 0:21:50.760 simple fact that I am aware that he is mentally ill, 0:21:51.000 --> 0:21:55.119 so that there's a gray area there. And then my 0:21:55.200 --> 0:21:59.439 mom her saying things like, oh, it's killing me you 0:21:59.520 --> 0:22:05.520 and him talking, especially now that I'm expecting with the 0:22:05.560 --> 0:22:10.159 first grandchild, so this is really affecting my relationship with 0:22:10.200 --> 0:22:14.200 my mom. So yeah, I'm just having a really difficult time, 0:22:14.520 --> 0:22:19.920 and i don't know how to proceed. I have listened 0:22:19.960 --> 0:22:24.280 to a lot of your podcasts and read a good 0:22:24.280 --> 0:22:27.119 amount of your book, Drama Free, which I find is 0:22:27.240 --> 0:22:34.640 very helpful, especially the sibling chapter, but it seems there 0:22:34.640 --> 0:22:38.760 haven't been any examples thus far about any type of 0:22:38.800 --> 0:22:44.119 behavior from someone who is suffering from borderline personality disorder 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:48.239 or manic depressive disorder. I'll also add that you know 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:52.320 I've suggested and set up appointments for him in the past, 0:22:52.359 --> 0:22:56.440 that he's never followed through with and you know, over 0:22:56.480 --> 0:22:59.720 and over again feel saying things to me like why 0:22:59.720 --> 0:23:02.880 won't you help me? And you know, it's just impossible 0:23:02.920 --> 0:23:06.119 to figure out what help looks like to him, and 0:23:06.160 --> 0:23:10.879 I just don't think it is achievable. So this is 0:23:10.920 --> 0:23:14.840 an immensely stressful situation. You know, I'm trying to focus 0:23:14.880 --> 0:23:18.240 on my new career growth and my own growing family, 0:23:18.520 --> 0:23:21.800 and I just need a little bit of clarity surrounding this. 0:23:22.040 --> 0:23:25.920 So any insight or discussion from this would be really helpful. 0:23:27.359 --> 0:23:30.960 Turn your page to the Hymnal Drama Free on page 0:23:31.160 --> 0:23:37.480 one point fifteen. There is some information on the impact 0:23:37.680 --> 0:23:43.280 of mental health issues on relationships. In this portion of 0:23:43.320 --> 0:23:48.160 the book, I talk about whether the issue is diagnosed 0:23:48.200 --> 0:23:52.040 and being treated, or if it is undiagnosed, and you 0:23:52.119 --> 0:23:57.040 suspect a person might be having anxiety, depression and all 0:23:57.080 --> 0:23:59.639 of these things. I thought it was important to include 0:23:59.680 --> 0:24:03.720 that in the book because there are times where our 0:24:03.800 --> 0:24:09.960 mental health issues impact our relationships, particularly when we're not 0:24:10.280 --> 0:24:16.959 addressing the challenges we're having. We all have challenges, you know, 0:24:17.000 --> 0:24:19.439 it's not just your brother. You have your own stuff 0:24:19.480 --> 0:24:23.600 going on. And what's really hopeful is when you try 0:24:23.760 --> 0:24:28.520 to be aware of and work through yourself so that 0:24:28.680 --> 0:24:34.679 it's not speeling over into your relationships with people. Also 0:24:34.920 --> 0:24:37.880 in that portion of the book, on page one seventeen, 0:24:38.119 --> 0:24:45.160 I talk specifically about personality issues and how those impact 0:24:45.280 --> 0:24:52.080 relationships with our loved ones. In families, there is this 0:24:52.280 --> 0:24:57.160 idea that you have to tolerate stuff because it is family, 0:24:57.240 --> 0:25:03.520 because it is your brother and he he has Because 0:25:03.520 --> 0:25:07.480 it is your brother and he has been diagnosed with depression, 0:25:08.280 --> 0:25:16.359 you should tolerate it. Whatever that manifestation of his depressed 0:25:16.400 --> 0:25:22.080 episodes or his behaviors, his explosions, you should tolerate it 0:25:22.640 --> 0:25:29.399 because it's your brother. When in actuality, there has to 0:25:29.440 --> 0:25:34.560 be some allowance for people to say, enough is enough. 0:25:35.480 --> 0:25:39.760 This is now impacting my mental health. I'm going to 0:25:39.800 --> 0:25:44.320 be depressed because this person is mistreating me. I'm anxious 0:25:44.440 --> 0:25:49.680 about being around them. I am now avoiding them because 0:25:49.720 --> 0:25:54.080 of all of these things that are happening in our relationship. 0:25:55.440 --> 0:26:00.119 The thing with mental health issues is we do have 0:26:00.119 --> 0:26:04.240 have to look at it. We should have that grace 0:26:04.440 --> 0:26:10.720 towards you know, someone having you know, maybe depression or anxiety, 0:26:11.680 --> 0:26:15.160 and we need to deal with the behavior. One day, 0:26:15.200 --> 0:26:18.639 I was on my way home from work, and there 0:26:18.880 --> 0:26:23.879 was a guy at the light asking for change, but 0:26:24.000 --> 0:26:27.359 he was doing it very aggressively. He was yelling in 0:26:27.440 --> 0:26:31.119 people cars. He was like waving his hands like he 0:26:31.240 --> 0:26:33.919 was going to fight people, you know. He was tapping 0:26:33.960 --> 0:26:40.119 on people windows. And I said, whoa, this is more 0:26:40.280 --> 0:26:43.600 than people typically sign up for when they stop at 0:26:43.600 --> 0:26:45.879 a light. And so I called the police and the 0:26:45.960 --> 0:26:49.760 first thing I said was, there is someone at the light. 0:26:49.840 --> 0:26:53.960 I believe he has a mental health issue. I want 0:26:54.000 --> 0:26:56.520 that to be clear. This is a mental health call. 0:26:57.200 --> 0:27:02.880 But he is being aggressive about asking people for money 0:27:03.240 --> 0:27:06.280 and for change. I wanted them to know that because 0:27:06.280 --> 0:27:08.439 I wanted them to keep it in mind and also 0:27:09.200 --> 0:27:13.359 come see about this situation. I don't want you to 0:27:13.440 --> 0:27:18.119 ignore the situation because he has a mental health issue. 0:27:18.240 --> 0:27:21.080 I want you to still address it, but I want 0:27:21.119 --> 0:27:25.280 you to do that with the thought of, oh my gosh, 0:27:25.320 --> 0:27:28.760 this is not just a person being violent. There is 0:27:28.880 --> 0:27:32.119 something here that maybe we need to say. There's a 0:27:32.160 --> 0:27:36.760 particular way we need to address the situation. We don't 0:27:36.800 --> 0:27:41.280 need to be on guard in certain ways. We need 0:27:41.320 --> 0:27:44.879 to know that this person is dealing with some things 0:27:45.160 --> 0:27:48.639 and their mental health is not being managed. That is 0:27:48.680 --> 0:27:51.600 the way that you walk into that situation. You don't 0:27:51.600 --> 0:27:55.400 ignore the situation. That's not helping all of these folks 0:27:55.640 --> 0:27:58.680 who are having their windows tapped on and being yelled at. 0:27:59.040 --> 0:28:02.720 That's not helpful. So when we think about, oh my gosh, 0:28:02.800 --> 0:28:06.640 this person has, you know, this challenge and I have 0:28:06.800 --> 0:28:10.080 to have grace for it, or I have to deal 0:28:10.160 --> 0:28:13.120 with it, or I have to be in relationship with them, 0:28:13.680 --> 0:28:17.600 we have to think about what that relationship can look 0:28:17.720 --> 0:28:23.159 like with a person who is not receiving treatment. What 0:28:23.359 --> 0:28:27.800 can that relationship look like when the person may be 0:28:27.840 --> 0:28:32.240 receiving treatment and they still aren't improving, You get to 0:28:32.280 --> 0:28:35.600 decide that. That's where your boundaries come into play. So 0:28:35.760 --> 0:28:39.720 with your brother, it might be, hey, you're blocked, but 0:28:39.880 --> 0:28:42.640 maybe every three months, I'll give you a call. I'll 0:28:42.640 --> 0:28:44.840 call you every three months just to check on you. 0:28:45.280 --> 0:28:48.200 It could also look like I am block you and 0:28:48.240 --> 0:28:50.480 you can just call me in you know, yell at 0:28:50.480 --> 0:28:53.320 me whenever you want to. Or it could look like 0:28:53.960 --> 0:28:57.400 maybe if you don't seem calm when I answer the phone, 0:28:57.440 --> 0:29:00.800 I will say that, hey, you're not calm, let me 0:29:00.840 --> 0:29:04.160 give you a callback. There are all sorts of things 0:29:04.280 --> 0:29:07.560 you can do in this relationship if you want to 0:29:07.640 --> 0:29:12.200 have it, and really it's about figuring out what thing 0:29:12.360 --> 0:29:16.560