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Speaker 1: Well, you came onto the Zoom call singing, and I

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Speaker 1: said to you, I wish for the listener's sake, I

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Speaker 1: was recording in those moments when you pop in and

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Speaker 1: you're just you know, bringing the Chip.

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Speaker 2: Joy and that joy. You know, it's funny because I

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Speaker 2: always like, I don't. I guess we're lucky that Zoom

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Speaker 2: doesn't just start with the camera on because that's like

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Speaker 2: no pants or whatever. But I forget that that's going

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Speaker 2: to be the case. So you're there like doing like

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Speaker 2: you don't even know I'm on yet, So that's why

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Speaker 2: I do it.

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Speaker 3: What song were you singing?

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Speaker 2: I think I was just like singing hello in a

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Speaker 2: funny way. But it wasn't. It wasn't like it wasn't

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Speaker 2: like the Adel song or the line of Riches.

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Speaker 3: No, it wasn't. It was a Chip original.

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Speaker 2: It was an original.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, you showed her. You really showed it.

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Speaker 2: Really showed her. I'm coming for you.

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Speaker 1: I'm kind of excited about our topic today because we

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Speaker 1: have not exchanged notes, but we did our own little

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Speaker 1: personal research I guess you would call it. And I

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Speaker 1: do think the topic of relationships, which is what we're

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Speaker 1: going to dive into and patterns and relationships is really interesting,

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Speaker 1: Like I think it's something everyone can relate to. And

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Speaker 1: we talk about this like when we used to talk

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Speaker 1: about sex and relationships or dating or you know those

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Speaker 1: kind of things a lot. That seemed to be the

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Speaker 1: one that engaged the listeners the most. And I think

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Speaker 1: it's because it's a universal either issue or problem, or

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Speaker 1: it's just relatable because everyone goes through relationship struggles or

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Speaker 1: everyone is feeling yeah good or bad, Like everyone's in

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Speaker 1: relationships of some kind unless you live in a hole

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Speaker 1: up in a mountain.

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Speaker 3: By yourself, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: Like we're interacting with other human beings, whether it's friendships,

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Speaker 1: where relationships, romantic relationships, And I think what's interesting is

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Speaker 1: that your patterns can show up in all of the

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Speaker 1: different dynamics of relationships. Like it's not just that you

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Speaker 1: do something in romantic relationships, like you probably have taste

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Speaker 1: of it across the board. It may show up them

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Speaker 1: and romantic relationships. I do you feel like that's where

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Speaker 1: we get a little bit like triggered the most because

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Speaker 1: the stakes are higher, and there.

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Speaker 2: I was going to say, there's more at risk, there's

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Speaker 2: more at risk.

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Speaker 3: Your heart's more at risk.

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Speaker 1: The person that you're dating or married to or whatever

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Speaker 1: is in more of your life as like a partnership,

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Speaker 1: like a you know, like.

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Speaker 2: It's more of a choice. Like the way that you

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Speaker 2: are with your family just seems like, Oh, that's the

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Speaker 2: way that I am. But you know, through the research

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Speaker 2: that I did today and some of the digging, it

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Speaker 2: makes you realize, oh, the way you are is because

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Speaker 2: of the people that you grew up around and the

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Speaker 2: way that you were the relationships in your life, and

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Speaker 2: how that carries over to when you're trying to find

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Speaker 2: a romantic relationship that make it work.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So it's all it's just all intertwined. And I

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Speaker 1: find this to be so fascinating. That would be I

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Speaker 1: just find relationship stuff to be so fascinating and why

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Speaker 1: we do what we do in relationships. So this started

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Speaker 1: because on Wednesday I talked to Marnie Butsa. She's a

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Speaker 1: transformational coach, entrepreneur, podcast host. But she's also the author

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Speaker 1: of this book called Your Radical Living Challenge. But she

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Speaker 1: also wrote a book called How to Find a Quality

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Speaker 1: Guy Without going on two hundred Dates. And I found

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Speaker 1: that to be very intriguing because one of the biggest

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Speaker 1: themes of conversation between friends of mine and I is that, uh,

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Speaker 1: I just don't want to, you know, go on more dates.

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Speaker 1: Like if we go through a breakup. One of the

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Speaker 1: biggest things people seem to say is like I just

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Speaker 1: can't imagine doing this all over again. Like that can

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Speaker 1: feel really exhausting, right, And one of the things that

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Speaker 1: I I'm constantly saying to people, and this is because

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Speaker 1: of my own experience and what really helped me was

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Speaker 1: that the end of a relationship is so interesting and

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Speaker 1: helpful actually if you can really look at your patterns

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Speaker 1: within that relationship and why that relationship didn't work, not

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Speaker 1: from a place of blame, but from a place of like, huh,

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Speaker 1: like what didn't work there, and just staying really curious

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Speaker 1: about it, you know, And like I know, for me,

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Speaker 1: there would be times where I would look back at

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Speaker 1: my relationships and how I showed up in those relationships

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Speaker 1: and it was messy, like it wasn't my best self.

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Speaker 1: Maybe that relationship brought out the worst side of me,

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Speaker 1: and I had to really address those things because I

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Speaker 1: didn't want that relationship to repeat and that would happen,

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Speaker 1: like if I didn't address those things.

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Speaker 3: I was picking it, well, if you're.

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Speaker 2: Only ever placing blame, you're never going to correct the

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Speaker 2: things no attributing that, you know, led to the downfall

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Speaker 2: of the relationship.

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Speaker 1: And the tricky part and I talked about this with

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Speaker 1: Marnie is like, it wasn't like I didn't have places

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Speaker 1: to place blame, do you know what I'm meaning? One

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Speaker 1: that could be an easy one to walk away from

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Speaker 1: and be like, well that guy's an asshole, or you know,

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Speaker 1: there was other situations I have a I mean, we'll

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Speaker 1: get into my patterns, but like my pattern my relationships

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Speaker 1: were toxic, and so it would be very easy for

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Speaker 1: me to focus on what my partner did wrong as

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Speaker 1: the thing that didn't make that relationship work. But I

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Speaker 1: had to really look at the fact that I kept

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Speaker 1: dating the same guy with a different face basically, I

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Speaker 1: mean it was truly like this same exact thing, and

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Speaker 1: it kept escalating into a bigger, worse, harder dynamic. And

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Speaker 1: so I was like, Okay, this is the time if

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Speaker 1: I want something different, Like, I got to look at

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Speaker 1: why this is happening for me. So that's kind of

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Speaker 1: what we're here to discuss, is Chip and I are

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Speaker 1: going to talk through some of the realizations we've had

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Speaker 1: in our own patterns and how that's changed and shifted.

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Speaker 1: And then for me, I really feel like some of

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Speaker 1: the work that I did at addressing those things is

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Speaker 1: why I am where I am now and feeling very

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Speaker 1: happy in a relationship and feeling completely different and completely

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Speaker 1: not chaotic or christy or any of the insanity that

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Speaker 1: I used to invite into my life via romantic relationships.

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Speaker 2: This is honestly one of the first times that I've

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Speaker 2: even thought about.

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Speaker 1: Some of this stuff really well. That's good though. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: So Mel Robbins would be really proud of you right now.

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Speaker 2: I mean, look at me growing. Yeah, And it was

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Speaker 2: funny because I felt like I needed that, Like, in hindsight,

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Speaker 2: I needed this conversation today because yesterday I had this thought,

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Speaker 2: like I've been I've been reading a lot of not

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Speaker 2: just self help books, but like self improvement books is

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Speaker 2: probably better, and I stopped last I haven't really read

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Speaker 2: in the last week because I went to stagecoach and

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Speaker 2: I've just been busy and whatever. And of course I

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Speaker 2: take a book everywhere, but then often when I travel

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Speaker 2: I never opened it. Yesterday I was just like, outside

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Speaker 2: of just being exhausted from the travel on the weekend

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Speaker 2: and all the things. I was like, why do we

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Speaker 2: just feel so down? I was like, not about myself.

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Speaker 2: And it's funny, like, how quickly those like the good

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Speaker 2: feelings from you know, external places that actually make you

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Speaker 2: go inside and internalize yourself. How quickly those good feelings

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Speaker 2: were off where you're not like working that muscle. And

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Speaker 2: then when this was oh yeah, and then when this

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Speaker 2: was the topic, I was like, Oh, this is a

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Speaker 2: really interesting like perspective to look at myself from. And

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Speaker 2: then when I was reading things, it made me feel

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Speaker 2: not so shitty about myself because it was giving me

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Speaker 2: perspective on me.

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Speaker 1: So you know what else it is or that I

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Speaker 1: think it is. And again this is my experience, but

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Speaker 1: I think it's because when you were reading the stuff

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Speaker 1: that you read today, your soul felt seen again. And

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Speaker 1: I think often for me, and I don't know if

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Speaker 1: other people relate to this, but Chip and I have

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Speaker 1: similar lifestyles, and.

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Speaker 3: So it's often.

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Speaker 1: For me when I get really busy with work or

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Speaker 1: I'm traveling and I'm with people a ton. I don't

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Speaker 1: really mean to do this, but there's a little bit

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Speaker 1: of like self sacrifice that I do where I'm not

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Speaker 1: fully paying attention to myself. And it's been really interesting

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Speaker 1: to kind of like notice that dynamic when I keep

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Speaker 1: myself so busy and like going and going and going,

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Speaker 1: and especially when I'm traveling, because you're just with people

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Speaker 1: all the time, right, and it's fun. It's hard because

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Speaker 1: it's like it's good stuff, so you want to be

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Speaker 1: doing it, but what you've been doing is spending time

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Speaker 1: connecting with yourself, right. So when you're doing that, there's

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Speaker 1: like the balance that you kind of have to find

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Speaker 1: between like giving into the fun and like living life

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Speaker 1: and enjoying all the things that were so you know,

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Speaker 1: lucky to have and being disciplined enough to check in

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Speaker 1: with yourself and be like, hey, I'm still here, like

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Speaker 1: we're this is just fun. I'm focusing on that, but

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Speaker 1: I'm still here with you right now. And that sounds

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Speaker 1: kind of.

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Speaker 3: Like woo woo.

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Speaker 1: But the truth is then you read something and you

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Speaker 1: reconnected with yourself and you feel more at peace.

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Speaker 2: Right. I Mean, that's a really interesting perspective because I

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Speaker 2: like I look back in my whole life and I've

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Speaker 2: always been the person that gravitates towards the fun and

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Speaker 2: of course analyze, yeah, like don't and don't analyze your

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Speaker 2: feelings and worry about yourself. Like for me, if I

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Speaker 2: was having fun, I was taking care of myself. Sure,

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Speaker 2: I was really lucky, you know to have this fun life,

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Speaker 2: but it was it was really eye opening to like

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Speaker 2: experience that. And now that you've put it into words,

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Speaker 2: it's that makes a ton of sense.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And it's not to say don't go have fun,

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Speaker 1: like those things are so important too. It's just to

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Speaker 1: kind of figure out how do I mix in even

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Speaker 1: if it's like fifteen minutes in the morning that you

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Speaker 1: go sit with yourself and like meditate or whatever. It

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Speaker 1: is like a lot of times we've been on trips

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Speaker 1: with our friends and I get made fun of, which

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Speaker 1: I can laugh at myself, so I think it's funny too.

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Speaker 1: But like, you know, I start my morning and I

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Speaker 1: like I have to go read or meditate and like

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Speaker 1: have an hour with my coffee, and everyone's like Kelly's

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Speaker 1: got to go do her routine. Yeah, but it's for

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Speaker 1: that exact reason is that I didn't want to get

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Speaker 1: back from the trip and feel the depletion and like

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Speaker 1: the low feelings like I still wanted to enjoy the

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Speaker 1: highs and the fun and all that stuff, but I

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Speaker 1: wanted to stay with myself throughout it because I just

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Speaker 1: noticed how much I would ebb and flow and emotionally

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Speaker 1: if I didn't.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, I mean, and honestly, the whole reading part

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Speaker 2: for me, my goal in my new routine is ten

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Speaker 2: pages a day. Like, it's not like I finish a

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Speaker 2: book every day. Yes, ten pages. So it's usually one

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Speaker 2: of the first things I do when I wake up.

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Speaker 2: I try to not get on my phone or do

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Speaker 2: anything electronic, and I journal and then I read ten

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Speaker 2: pages and that just I didn't realize I was missing

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Speaker 2: that in this Like to me, I felt more like

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Speaker 2: I was ashamed that I was breaking my new routine.

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Speaker 2: And part of a new routine is figuring out how

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Speaker 2: that works exactly. Like it's a lot easier to start

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Speaker 2: a new routine when you're sitting in your house. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: everything is routine. Yeah, And the second that you a

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Speaker 2: wrench gets thrown into it, You're like, oh shit, how

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Speaker 2: does my new routine fit into this? And I just

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Speaker 2: kind of abandon that. So it's probably a combination of

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Speaker 2: like feeling down on myself for like fucking up my

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Speaker 2: new routine. But I do think part of it was

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Speaker 2: the checking in with myself, which is what that reading does,

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Speaker 2: because it's like when when I read things that are

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Speaker 2: a lot of it, Like I mean, we've talked about it,

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Speaker 2: even on you know, my love of mel like when

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Speaker 2: I listen to her podcast. A lot of it's really

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Speaker 2: obvious stuff, you know, it's it's not rocket science. It's

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Speaker 2: stuff that we need to be reminded of. And exactly

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Speaker 2: the books that I've been reading lately are those things

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Speaker 2: like how to create better habits. Of course I know

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Speaker 2: how to do it, but I need to be reminded.

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Speaker 2: And you feel like you see yourself in the words exactly.

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Speaker 2: So yeah, so that's a really interesting observation.

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Speaker 3: So well, and I think, like anything.

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Speaker 2: Recording this today will help me in that way.

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Speaker 1: I love that, you know, I love that that like

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Speaker 1: makes me so happy. Also, this is not the topic,

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Speaker 1: so we'll quickly get to the topic after I say this.

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Speaker 1: But one of the biggest things that I think we

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Speaker 1: miss or I personally missed a ton was so focused,

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Speaker 1: like so hyper focusing on external relationships, like my relationship

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Speaker 1: with my friends, my relationship with my work life, my

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Speaker 1: relationships with my boyfriends, my family, whatever that I forgot. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I have a relationship with myself and that should be

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Speaker 1: number one. Like that, and that's a constant reminder. I

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Speaker 1: still have to give myself every day too, because I

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Speaker 1: love caring for the people that I care about. I

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Speaker 1: love being having fun with them, I love being in relationship.

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Speaker 1: Like that's a huge part of my personality. But if

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Speaker 1: I don't have a good relationship with me, none of

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Speaker 1: those relationships are going to be good either, right, So

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Speaker 1: like that, it's just an interesting thing that you led,

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Speaker 1: like almost unintentionally with.

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Speaker 2: The this is a really beautiful transitionship. Really, you just

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Speaker 2: like nailed that.

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Speaker 3: Oh what I just said thinks yeah yeah.

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Speaker 2: Because when you were like, this isn't our topic of conversation,

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Speaker 2: and I thought, well, aren't we talking about relationships?

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Speaker 1: Well, but I mean, but that is the truth is,

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Speaker 1: like we so often focus on well, fuck, I'm not

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Speaker 1: getting the relationship I like, or guys suck and blah

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Speaker 1: blah blah blah blah. You know, like we get so

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Speaker 1: angry about things falling apart externally and we forget get

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Speaker 1: to go. But what am I doing within myself because

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Speaker 1: all of those relationships are just mirroring what's happening within

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Speaker 1: us at all times. Like that is one truth that

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Speaker 1: I have really come to realize, and that's like such

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Speaker 1: a reminder of my soul's purpose of why I would

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Speaker 1: be even drawing in toxic relationships. And it's like the

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Speaker 1: funny thing when you go, God, you know this boyfriend

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Speaker 1: that I have is really neglecting me and he works

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Speaker 1: all the time, or he's an addict and he doesn't

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Speaker 1: treat me right and blah blah blah, And then I

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Speaker 1: would look in the mirror and be like, hey, when's

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Speaker 1: the last time you checked in with yourself? Because I'm

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Speaker 1: neglecting myself too, you know, like basically I'm doing what

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Speaker 1: I'm getting so pissed at that other person for doing

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Speaker 1: to me. So how can I ask someone else to

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Speaker 1: do it if I'm not even willing to do it

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Speaker 1: with myself. Like it's kind of eye opening when you

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Speaker 1: look at it that way.

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Speaker 2: Something that really spoke to me that Marnie said on

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Speaker 2: Wednesday's podcast was this line. She said, transformation doesn't end, Okay,

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Speaker 2: we don't just fix it, and that can kind of

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Speaker 2: like put into respective what I was feeling after having

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Speaker 2: not read, because I was really beating myself up about

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Speaker 2: it and.

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Speaker 3: All over yourself, you should, all over myself.

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Speaker 2: And it made me realize that, like any sort of

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Speaker 2: transformation is constant, and there will be highs and lows,

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Speaker 2: and you cannot just let the lows outweigh the highs,

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Speaker 2: even though I think I feel those more than the highs,

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Speaker 2: Like because the highs that you take for granted, you know,

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Speaker 2: like you're having fun, everything's great, like the sandy, but

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Speaker 2: when it's the low stuff, you feel like you're never

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Speaker 2: it's you're gonna get stuck there.

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Speaker 1: Well, I think you specifically because you don't allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to go low often, so when you do, you're like, what.

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Speaker 2: Is Yeah, yeah, it makes me want to question everything

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Speaker 2: in my life. Yeah, really nothing. It was just said

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Speaker 2: I was craving some of that sort of transformational work. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and that's that's fine. Like it's I'm okay with that

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Speaker 2: being constant, which is just also a kind of a

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Speaker 2: clue to like keep doing it.

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Speaker 1: I think that's so true, and it's also so you learning,

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Speaker 1: Oh this feels good to me, Like I like this

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Speaker 1: and I want to keep going on this path. But

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Speaker 1: I think you're making such a good point. I forgot

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Speaker 1: that she said that on Wednesday, and I want to

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Speaker 1: point that out before we start dissecting ourselves and talking

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Speaker 1: a little bit about our relationship patterns, because I used

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Speaker 1: to do that too with myself, and I would feel

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Speaker 1: very much like I was separate from everyone else in

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Speaker 1: the fact that like I could not make relationships work,

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Speaker 1: is what it felt like, and like I made up

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Speaker 1: this story in my head, like you're more fucked up

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Speaker 1: than everyone else, you know, like everyone else has it

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Speaker 1: figured out, which now I believe is just a very

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Speaker 1: common human mindset of ours to feel like everyone else

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Speaker 1: knows something we don't and they kind of have it

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Speaker 1: more figured out than us, and to kind of shame

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Speaker 1: ourselves or should should all over ourselves, like that we

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Speaker 1: should have this figured out, we should and all of

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Speaker 1: these things that we talk about on this podcast, and

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Speaker 1: this includes everything in my perspective, but specifically relationships. They're

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Speaker 1: constantly a place for evolution. Like I am in a

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Speaker 1: very happy relationship right now, and I still get triggered

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Speaker 1: and I still learn something new about myself every single day,

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Speaker 1: Like every single conversation I have with him. I will

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Speaker 1: recognize something in myself that I'm like, oh that's interesting

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Speaker 1: or you know whatever. And I'm just a very like

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Speaker 1: curious person, like I'm probably a little more. I just

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Speaker 1: do that, like analyze things a little more than most.

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Speaker 1: But I do think that's important to say, is like

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Speaker 1: we're never just gonna figure it out. Like it's not

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Speaker 1: like you just get it right after you start doing

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Speaker 1: work on yourself or analyzing things like we're gonna do today.

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Speaker 1: It's just interesting to know and to continue layering onto

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Speaker 1: that and going deeper into that and just like going

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Speaker 1: on the journey with it, Like it's a journey. It's

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Speaker 1: not this end result thing. And so if you start

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Speaker 1: working on yourself and then you don't get into the

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Speaker 1: perfect relationship right away, that's not a thing of shame.

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Speaker 1: It's just like more information.

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Speaker 2: Really Yeah, well, I mean it's I don't think anyone

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Speaker 2: even though I think we all do, I don't think

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Speaker 2: anyone should expect it to happen overnight either.

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Speaker 1: Well, and nothing's perfect even if it does, even if

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Speaker 1: you do get in a happy relationship, nothing's perfect, Like

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Speaker 1: everyone's human, so there's always going to be stuff. My

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Speaker 1: mom always says, where there's people, there's problems, you know,

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Speaker 1: and that's just the truth.

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Speaker 3: Like people are just messy.

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Speaker 1: So okay, so in summary, don't be too hard on yourself.

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Speaker 1: These are just interesting things we're working on, and relationships

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Speaker 1: are just a big point of learning about yourself.

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Speaker 3: Really.

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Speaker 1: So what we did, because this is like our new

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Speaker 1: favorite thing to do, is we make like basically Chip

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Speaker 1: and I journaled about our relationship patterns essentially, like we

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Speaker 1: just wrote down kind of our history, what we noticed

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Speaker 1: about ourselves, maybe where we came from, like in our childhood,

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Speaker 1: what the family system looked like. And we even put

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Speaker 1: in astrology. And then we took all of that and

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Speaker 1: put it into chat cheapy tea almost as like a

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Speaker 1: can you diagnose my patterns? Just to see what it

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Speaker 1: would say. I wanted to know if it would line

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Speaker 1: up with what I thought I had learned about my

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Speaker 1: patterns and mine really did?

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Speaker 3: Did yours?

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Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I haven't. I feel like you've done

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Speaker 2: a lot more learning prior to this. Okay, for me,

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Speaker 2: it was more just eye opening.

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Speaker 3: That's good.

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Speaker 2: So because it's it's it's funny, like I feel like

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Speaker 2: I'm a pretty self aware person, but I don't think

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Speaker 2: I spend that much time thinking about myself and like

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Speaker 2: what could I do? How could I do that better?

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Speaker 2: And it's that's kind of a narcissistic.

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Speaker 3: Thing, what to think about yourself?

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Speaker 2: No, no to not, oh you know what I mean,

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Speaker 2: it's like I should I should be, like I should be,

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Speaker 2: I know, but I still should be examining myself more.

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Speaker 2: And this was that This was pretty eye opening too,

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Speaker 2: but also too, I think it's really natural to look

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Speaker 2: back at relationships and either simply just blame the other

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Speaker 2: person or just think that you're not good at them,

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Speaker 2: you know, or you're not the yes, and neither of

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Speaker 2: those things are true. They're probably a little bit both true,

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Speaker 2: but they're not. Neither of them are true.

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Speaker 1: They're their surface is what they're going they're not going

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Speaker 1: into the Like I hate when people say I'm just

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Speaker 1: not good at relationships. I'm like, no, you're just fucking

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Speaker 1: lazy because you don't want to look at.

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Speaker 3: Why like that.

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Speaker 1: That's genuinely what I think, And I don't like when

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Speaker 1: people kind of put it under this big umbrella of like, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: I'm never going to figure that out or I'm never

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Speaker 1: going to be able to have that. You can have

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Speaker 1: whatever you want, you just might have to work at

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Speaker 1: it and look deeper at the most, you know, the

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Speaker 1: uncomfortable pieces of you that a lot of people just.

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Speaker 3: Don't want to face.

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Speaker 1: And that's what makes you bad at relationships, not the

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Speaker 1: fact that you didn't learn those skills. Most of us

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Speaker 1: didn't learn the skills to have healthy relationships. Like I know,

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Speaker 1: I know you talked about your parents had you young,

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Speaker 1: like or they were together since they were so young.

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Speaker 1: My parents had me so young, and it's like they

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Speaker 1: were kids themselves. How would they know how to like

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Speaker 1: do things, you know.

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Speaker 2: Like I raise a child today, I don't feel could.

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Speaker 1: You imagine, Like I think about if I had had

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Speaker 1: a kid my parents My mom was twenty four, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, if I had a kid at twenty four,

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Speaker 1: who fucking knows where they'd be, Like, I.

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Speaker 2: Mean, they definitely would have come out drunk.

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Speaker 3: It's just like hard to look at that.

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Speaker 1: So the fact that they did the job they did,

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for now as an adult looking at

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Speaker 1: what that means. You know, Okay, but I want to

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Speaker 1: know when you were first even writing down what you

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Speaker 1: looked back at your relationships and saw what do you

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Speaker 1: find to be the consistent patterns for you? Okay, but

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Speaker 1: I want to know when you were first even writing

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Speaker 1: down what you looked back at your relationships and saw

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Speaker 1: what do you find to be the consistent patterns for you?

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Speaker 2: I mean, the most consistent one is like being not

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Speaker 2: emotionally available in the proper way that you weren't. That

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Speaker 2: I wasn't, I am. The thing that stuck out to

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Speaker 2: me was this thing called emotional self sufficiency. And it's

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Speaker 2: got a double edged sword because I'm incredibly like resilient

438
00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,040
Speaker 2: and self aware, but then I also struggle to trust

439
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:22,879
Speaker 2: people and let them in.

440
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,440
Speaker 3: That's so Scorpio, you know, like.

441
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,040
Speaker 2: And it's so true, like I because I feel like

442
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:32,560
Speaker 2: every time I've gotten into a relationship, like I think

443
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,399
Speaker 2: it's going to end the next day. I think, And

444
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 2: I feel like any little argument will end it the

445
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,560
Speaker 2: next day. And so I'll I often will just like

446
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,280
Speaker 2: push down and bottle up the small things which then

447
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:50,879
Speaker 2: become cancerous. Yeah, I'm just really because it's like I

448
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,080
Speaker 2: want everything to be copasetic all the time. I want

449
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,320
Speaker 2: life to be fun. I'm a seven, you know, and

450
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,440
Speaker 2: so it's like one little tiny thing I have, and

451
00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:01,760
Speaker 2: this isn't even just and romantic relationships. I like, I

452
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,159
Speaker 2: think I looked back at like when I've had an

453
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,800
Speaker 2: assistant in my career, like I can't even ask them

454
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,320
Speaker 2: to correct the little thing. I just go in and

455
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,639
Speaker 2: do it myself, and then I'm resentful of it.

456
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,240
Speaker 3: And it's also like, then why do you have an assistant,

457
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,399
Speaker 3: right right, because it's.

458
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 2: Not really say that to myself, but not to them.

459
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,120
Speaker 1: Of course, it's like adding more work to your plate though.

460
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:27,439
Speaker 2: Totally yeah, yeah, So it's you know, that one little

461
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,720
Speaker 2: thing was enough to be like, oh my god, this

462
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:31,160
Speaker 2: is going to name It was one of the first

463
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 2: things that spit out.

464
00:22:32,480 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 1: Well, okay, so this is what's so interesting. And I

465
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,880
Speaker 1: don't know if anyone else, like I'm about to nerd

466
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,720
Speaker 1: out so hard, So I hope that anyone else finds

467
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,280
Speaker 1: this interesting. But like for me listening to you say that,

468
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,159
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, of course you just like you have

469
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,240
Speaker 1: told me, and maybe we should share this a little

470
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:51,800
Speaker 1: bit with the listeners. But when you talk about your

471
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 1: family life, you often say, like your parents you felt

472
00:22:56,359 --> 00:23:00,200
Speaker 1: like they've been together forever, Like you felt almost shame

473
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:03,880
Speaker 1: because you haven't been able to like do a long

474
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,679
Speaker 1: term relationship, and that's what you grew up around. Like

475
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,959
Speaker 1: they were high school speedthearts, right, so it was like

476
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,680
Speaker 1: this thing of this pressure of like I got to

477
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:12,359
Speaker 1: figure it out.

478
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,760
Speaker 3: But then you do describe like your dad worked late.

479
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: At night and so like he was very much like

480
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:20,960
Speaker 1: came home from work, eat dinner, go to bed. So

481
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,840
Speaker 1: that's not a lot of availability, right.

482
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,280
Speaker 2: No, and showed very little emotion.

483
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then your mom was like running the house

484
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,359
Speaker 1: doing all the stuff and maybe not the most emotionally

485
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:33,639
Speaker 1: available person either.

486
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,080
Speaker 2: So yeah, and she went to anger a lot too.

487
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:41,440
Speaker 1: Okay, so that was the one emotion she could go to. Yeah,

488
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,960
Speaker 1: but so okay, Well that actually gives me even more

489
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,240
Speaker 1: of an interesting thing because it's like, okay, so first

490
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,560
Speaker 1: of all, we shame ourselves for not knowing how to

491
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,720
Speaker 1: do things, but it's like, well, how the fuck would

492
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 1: you know how to do that? Like you grew up

493
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:56,200
Speaker 1: in a household where there weren't very many emotions that

494
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,800
Speaker 1: seemed acceptable, you know, so you have to stuff them.

495
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,040
Speaker 1: And then if your mom's going to anger as the

496
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:05,399
Speaker 1: only thing, of course, you walk on eggshells and relationships

497
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,240
Speaker 1: and think I don't want to set anyone off or

498
00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,679
Speaker 1: it's going to end because you're so used to anger.

499
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:14,879
Speaker 1: Then the deer nerd shit that I'm about to do

500
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,919
Speaker 1: is if you look at your astrology, so it's like

501
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 1: you tie your astrology into that, and you have a

502
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,760
Speaker 1: double Scorpio in your top three, like he's Scorpio's sign

503
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 1: in Scorpio rising and then a piss's moon for any

504
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,320
Speaker 1: of my astrology nerds, So like you're very emotional as

505
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:34,000
Speaker 1: a human, but they weren't safe, and so you suppress

506
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:38,560
Speaker 1: instead of express. And Scorpio is already probably the most

507
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,240
Speaker 1: secretive sign, like because you don't ever want to look

508
00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,200
Speaker 1: vulnerable as a Scorpio, right, but you are, like Scorpios

509
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:48,680
Speaker 1: feel things so deeply. All of your top three is water,

510
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,400
Speaker 1: so you feel things deeply, but you don't really want

511
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,760
Speaker 1: anyone to know that because you don't feel not because

512
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,800
Speaker 1: you don't like believe them to be valid or maybe

513
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:58,280
Speaker 1: you don't.

514
00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:58,679
Speaker 3: I don't know.

515
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,359
Speaker 1: That's something for you look at, but like you have

516
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 1: never felt like that was a safe thing to do

517
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,120
Speaker 1: to express emotions, so you didn't.

518
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:06,959
Speaker 3: Learn how to do it.

519
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so manifest into your adult relationships isn't that fascinating?

520
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,879
Speaker 1: Like why is that so interesting to me?

521
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 2: And it also just I mean the astrology part aside,

522
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:24,879
Speaker 2: it also just seems so obvious, like why wouldn't the

523
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,720
Speaker 2: things that you have learned in your childhood play a

524
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,360
Speaker 2: massive role in your head?

525
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:30,880
Speaker 3: Exactly?

526
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,680
Speaker 1: But you say that and I just basically like summed

527
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 1: it all kind of up for you. But you said

528
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 1: to me before the podcast chat ChiPT nailed me, and

529
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:43,040
Speaker 1: it's like I should have thought about this stuff, and

530
00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:46,320
Speaker 1: why wasn't I making those connections? And most people don't. Right,

531
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,840
Speaker 1: That's why I get so excited about it when people

532
00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:51,160
Speaker 1: start doing it, because I'm like, yo, it's all right there,

533
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:54,360
Speaker 1: Like it's it's not like we don't have to suffer

534
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:58,359
Speaker 1: as much, I think, as adults as we do just

535
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,439
Speaker 1: because we're scared to look at this. And it's like

536
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,280
Speaker 1: it doesn't need to be scary. Yes, it can be painful,

537
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 1: and a lot of people did endure very painful childhoods

538
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,520
Speaker 1: are very painful relationships in adulthood.

539
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,000
Speaker 3: I did it, like in a lot of ways.

540
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: I also had a lot of great experiences and positive things,

541
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 1: but like there were things I needed to address and

542
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:22,919
Speaker 1: they were painful. However, if you walk through it, the

543
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,240
Speaker 1: stuff on the other side is just so much bigger

544
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,399
Speaker 1: and better, and it's like your relationships are better, you

545
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,520
Speaker 1: can love more, more freely, you can trust people Like

546
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:34,960
Speaker 1: I don't know, I just find it to be so

547
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,960
Speaker 1: fascinating that we're so scared to look at these things,

548
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,240
Speaker 1: and then if you actually look at them, they lose

549
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,720
Speaker 1: their power a little bit, if that makes sense, Like

550
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:45,800
Speaker 1: they're not so big and bad and scary. You're kind

551
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,119
Speaker 1: of like, oh, yeah, duh, that makes sense.

552
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:52,360
Speaker 2: Well, the irony is I mean, I would imagine if

553
00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:54,480
Speaker 2: I feel this a lot of people feel it. You're

554
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,560
Speaker 2: scared that you're going to learn something about yourself that

555
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,840
Speaker 2: you don't want to know. Yeah, and it causes you

556
00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,399
Speaker 2: to not learn the things about yourself that you need

557
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 2: to know to.

558
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,120
Speaker 1: Give you peace and to make it like, to make

559
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:07,720
Speaker 1: your shit make sense and not You're not this like

560
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:12,440
Speaker 1: terminally unique person with that's so fucked up you're beyond repair.

561
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: It's like, oh, of course you wouldn't necessarily know how

562
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:18,080
Speaker 1: to express feelings. You never learned how but look, you're

563
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,320
Speaker 1: a forty how old are you?

564
00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 2: Forty nine?

565
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 1: Forty nine year old man? You do have the capacity

566
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 1: now to look at it right, you have the ability

567
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,840
Speaker 1: to go do that and change things.

568
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 2: We're never too I also, you know, being a closeted

569
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,640
Speaker 2: kid in a small talent. It's like I there were

570
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:41,359
Speaker 2: feelings that I did recognize that I chose not to

571
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,760
Speaker 2: talk about because I didn't know how they would be received.

572
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:49,120
Speaker 3: And it's get stories there too, yeah, of course.

573
00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:53,040
Speaker 2: Like yeah, absolutely, but it's I mean, that's another reason

574
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,520
Speaker 2: why I have trouble with vulnerability. It's not that I

575
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:58,520
Speaker 2: don't feel these things or think these things. It's that

576
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,679
Speaker 2: when it comes time for it to come out of

577
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:04,560
Speaker 2: my mouth, I choke, you know, Like that's because that's

578
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:08,879
Speaker 2: the right I'll even think about just not even like

579
00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,560
Speaker 2: you know, romantic things, but I could compliment to a

580
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:16,520
Speaker 2: friend that I really want to say, and I'll like

581
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:19,480
Speaker 2: tear up thinking about saying it, knowing that I can't

582
00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:22,199
Speaker 2: say it, you know what I mean. Like it's and

583
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,879
Speaker 2: I've evolved a lot, like the older I've got. Yeah,

584
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 2: and I think text honestly, texting has helped because I

585
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:33,359
Speaker 2: can there is that shield. So you know, in the

586
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,160
Speaker 2: last pseudo relationship that I was in, I was able

587
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:38,280
Speaker 2: to really fucking say how I felt at the end,

588
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,160
Speaker 2: and that I would have never been able to do

589
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:43,240
Speaker 2: that in person. Yeah, but I succinctly put my emotions

590
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:45,880
Speaker 2: down and said how I felt and walked away from it.

591
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaker 2: And that's you know, I'm fine. Maybe that's all I'll

592
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 2: ever be able to do, but at least I figure

593
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 2: out a way to express myself. And you know, thank

594
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 2: God for that. You know, technology is of in a

595
00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:01,360
Speaker 2: way that we can do.

596
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 1: Those things, but you also are evolving, so don't miss that.

597
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 3: Like that's massive progress.

598
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,120
Speaker 1: Even like those are they might feel like small wins,

599
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 1: but they're wins right.

600
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 2: Now, and you just got to do it. Yeah.

601
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, My patterns are just to me. You know, it's

602
00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:21,960
Speaker 1: like very interesting too, because it's like duh, you know,

603
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 1: it's just when I look at it on paper sometimes

604
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, of course, I mean, I grew up

605
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 1: in an alcoholic household and my dad's even come on

606
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,400
Speaker 1: this podcast. He's been sober since I was eight. But

607
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 1: we talked about that, and like, I'm so grateful that

608
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:37,120
Speaker 1: he can share his story now in the way that

609
00:29:37,160 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 1: he can, because I know he's helping tons of people

610
00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:42,200
Speaker 1: even in the work that he does on himself. But

611
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 1: the interesting thing about alcoholism that I don't know that's

612
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:48,400
Speaker 1: talked about a ton is like from the outside, if

613
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,440
Speaker 1: you're not in a situation where like addiction is in

614
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:54,160
Speaker 1: your family or your life, a lot of people think, like, oh,

615
00:29:54,320 --> 00:29:58,200
Speaker 1: drinking is the problem, right, And so it's like people

616
00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 1: I think I grew up a lot with people being like, oh,

617
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,000
Speaker 1: nobody knew there was any issues in my house because

618
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,280
Speaker 1: my dad stopped drinking when he was eight, right, But

619
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:11,480
Speaker 1: the drinking is always just a symptom of deeper things.

620
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 1: And so like you're trying to mask something, and that's

621
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:18,160
Speaker 1: with any addiction, right, Like there's sex addiction, drug addiction.

622
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:23,000
Speaker 1: Codependency is an addiction, Like that is part of all

623
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: of this stuff. And so there were dynamics in my

624
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 1: family system that developed because of alcoholism. But like alcohol

625
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,080
Speaker 1: was probably one of the smaller parts of the problem.

626
00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,800
Speaker 1: It was like, right, once that got removed, it definitely

627
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 1: got easier to see the things that were the problem.

628
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,000
Speaker 1: But like, as a family system, we all had to

629
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 1: address the things, and like I just developed patterns while

630
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 1: my family worked through that, and a codependency was one

631
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:50,560
Speaker 1: of them. But also, like this people pleasing thing for

632
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:54,160
Speaker 1: me was a big one and feeling like, you know,

633
00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:56,280
Speaker 1: I remember and I say this to my parents now

634
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,480
Speaker 1: and we talk about it, but like my parents would

635
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 1: always say to me, you're just such a joy, which

636
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:03,480
Speaker 1: I know sounds like what people would want to hear, right,

637
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,240
Speaker 1: But as a child, I took that on as I

638
00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 1: always had to.

639
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 2: Do that needs to be here me that way, and.

640
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:09,360
Speaker 3: That was my role.

641
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,880
Speaker 1: And so whether it was wanting to make either of

642
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:15,960
Speaker 1: my parents feel better or my little brother, like making

643
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 1: sure he was okay, like I took on this responsibility

644
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,680
Speaker 1: that wasn't what they were asking of me, but I

645
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,560
Speaker 1: just that was how I interpreted it, and so those

646
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 1: were the patterns I developed. Then the other flip side

647
00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:29,880
Speaker 1: of that is that my parents did get you know,

648
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:32,280
Speaker 1: my dad got sober. My mom really worked on her

649
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,880
Speaker 1: stuff too, and they still do to this day. They

650
00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:36,920
Speaker 1: have taught me so much. It's why I've gotten into

651
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:38,880
Speaker 1: all the work that I've done on myself, and so

652
00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,640
Speaker 1: I'm so grateful for them for that. But it almost

653
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: fucked me up in a weird way too, because I

654
00:31:45,760 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 1: saw that people can change and thought that that's what

655
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,880
Speaker 1: everyone wanted to do. So when I would go into

656
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 1: my adult relationships. My pattern with guys became not only

657
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:01,760
Speaker 1: playing that role of like the helper, the fixer, I'm

658
00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,440
Speaker 1: gonna bring joy to your life and make everything better.

659
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:09,280
Speaker 1: It also gave me this like mentality that people could change,

660
00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,560
Speaker 1: and so I had this expectation that you know, their

661
00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,600
Speaker 1: potential was going to be enough, and if I worked

662
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 1: hard enough, they would change too, and they would get

663
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:21,440
Speaker 1: better and they would become available for me or the

664
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 1: best partner ever or whatever. You know. Like I was

665
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 1: very always into the very like charming, charismatic guy that

666
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 1: was great at first, but then like all the shit

667
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 1: would hit the fan once I got into the relationship

668
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,560
Speaker 1: and I had just a pattern of dating addicts, like

669
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:37,280
Speaker 1: go fucking figure. It was what I knew from a child.

670
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:41,239
Speaker 1: As a child, Yeah, and I did that over and

671
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:45,000
Speaker 1: over and over and over. I even did it, Like

672
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,440
Speaker 1: my big crash was obviously what I tell you guys

673
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 1: about when the wedding happened and got canceled. And then

674
00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 1: I still did the same patterns once I like got

675
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:59,200
Speaker 1: into my own recovery work and just therapy and all

676
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,160
Speaker 1: this stuff, Like it took me over a decade to

677
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:04,959
Speaker 1: kind of break some of these things and that's okay.

678
00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:06,360
Speaker 1: Like I look at it now and I'm like, oh,

679
00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:08,720
Speaker 1: it was all stepping stones, like I was progressing, but

680
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,040
Speaker 1: it's just it's slower than you think it should be.

681
00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:13,000
Speaker 1: And so that's why I loved what you said at

682
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,800
Speaker 1: the beginning, like it's an ever evolving thing. It's not like, oh,

683
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 1: I just go to therapy for six months and I'm fixed,

684
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 1: you know, like these are these are patterns that are

685
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:25,200
Speaker 1: ingrained into your nervous system and it's it's what we

686
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:29,440
Speaker 1: like learn to be our safety and so you really

687
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,720
Speaker 1: have a lot of unlearning to do. But but yeah,

688
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 1: so those were mine. And then like the way I

689
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 1: would show up was very much overperforming, which all of

690
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 1: these don't sound like bad qualities, but like I would

691
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 1: do it to the point of literally like I was

692
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 1: the only one really showing up in the relationship. Like

693
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,360
Speaker 1: like our fringe Gillian Tareki that has been on the

694
00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 1: podcast Multiple Signs says, if you're a giver, date another giver.

695
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: And I used to always I am a giver, but

696
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,280
Speaker 1: I used to always date takers and so all that

697
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:00,960
Speaker 1: it would end up is like I would get in

698
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:03,840
Speaker 1: these relationships where I would be building up their life,

699
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 1: like I would very much work into their life, help

700
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:11,360
Speaker 1: them make their life better in some way, and realize

701
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:13,160
Speaker 1: by the end of it, I was a shell of

702
00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 1: human like I just barely was alive, hanging on, you know,

703
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,359
Speaker 1: like when you date addicts as well, they have very

704
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,960
Speaker 1: narcissistic tendencies, and so it was just like it would

705
00:34:22,040 --> 00:34:26,279
Speaker 1: crush me because I couldn't understand, like I just as

706
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:30,280
Speaker 1: an EmPATH that you know, empathetic person or EmPATH, whatever

707
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,759
Speaker 1: you want to call it, myself, I just couldn't understand,

708
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 1: like why wouldn't they think of me, or why wouldn't

709
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,400
Speaker 1: they be operating from the place that I was with

710
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,240
Speaker 1: the giving and I would think that I could change

711
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:48,319
Speaker 1: them by doing more of it.

712
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:56,960
Speaker 2: I saw a quote from Rick Orus in the other

713
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:59,799
Speaker 2: day that, Yeah, I think sort of fits into this

714
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:03,960
Speaker 2: exactly because you know, a lot of it is what

715
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:07,319
Speaker 2: we've talked about, is wanting other people to change, you know,

716
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,800
Speaker 2: and you know a big part of being a relationship

717
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:12,920
Speaker 2: is recognizing the role that you're playing in it. And

718
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,520
Speaker 2: when you're dating, you know, people that have these surface

719
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,399
Speaker 2: falls alcoholism, narcissism, those sorts of things it's really easy

720
00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:23,040
Speaker 2: to be like I'm doing all this stuff well, not

721
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,080
Speaker 2: recognizing the things that the failures that you're bringing to

722
00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:29,160
Speaker 2: the relationship maybe, which could be as simple as not

723
00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,280
Speaker 2: standing up for yourself, you know, or whatever I say,

724
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:34,200
Speaker 2: staying I'm staying.

725
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 3: I would stay way too long.

726
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 2: But this this quote that really resonated with me. He said,

727
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:43,319
Speaker 2: create a vacuum between you and what you're looking for

728
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:46,319
Speaker 2: instead of forcing it, step back and draw it to you.

729
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:48,040
Speaker 3: It's the way.

730
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:51,160
Speaker 1: Okay, So now that we've set our patterns, I want

731
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:54,799
Speaker 1: to move into kind of you know, I think we're

732
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,720
Speaker 1: having the realizations here. But like what he just said

733
00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:00,680
Speaker 1: that sums up why my life is different now because

734
00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:04,640
Speaker 1: I stopped getting so mad, and I think, like, again,

735
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,520
Speaker 1: this has what you said is so true about when

736
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: you look at your life. Like I'm talking about my

737
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:13,839
Speaker 1: dating relationships, but this was every relationship, and it was

738
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:16,840
Speaker 1: it was in certain friendships that I had, it was

739
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:19,200
Speaker 1: in certain work relationships that I had, and it was

740
00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,560
Speaker 1: what I kept getting drawn to. And it was almost

741
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 1: like this like magnetic force in those types of relationships

742
00:36:26,040 --> 00:36:29,880
Speaker 1: that I could not stop myself from going to. And

743
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 1: it was just like I don't know. I just kept

744
00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:34,400
Speaker 1: repeating it. What I believe now is the reason I

745
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:36,680
Speaker 1: kept being drawn to it is because I wasn't actually

746
00:36:36,719 --> 00:36:41,440
Speaker 1: healing it. I was just like almost intellectualizing the stuff

747
00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:43,520
Speaker 1: that I just said. Like I knew I came from

748
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:46,840
Speaker 1: an addicted based you know, relationship of family system. I

749
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:51,080
Speaker 1: knew I was codependent. I knew logically all these things

750
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:54,360
Speaker 1: are intellectually all these things, but I wasn't allowing myself

751
00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,839
Speaker 1: to fully feel into that and then go no and

752
00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:01,000
Speaker 1: truly start believing that I deserve something different than that,

753
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,400
Speaker 1: like or the things that I thought that I you know,

754
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 1: the things that my soul desired and my heart desired,

755
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:10,880
Speaker 1: Like I could not do that because I just maybe

756
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,240
Speaker 1: I didn't think it existed. I don't really know exactly

757
00:37:13,280 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 1: the whys of that, but I didn't. I didn't know that.

758
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,319
Speaker 1: But read the quote to me again because I want

759
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:19,840
Speaker 1: to exactly there was something he said.

760
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:21,560
Speaker 2: That I want to create a vacuum between you and

761
00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:24,480
Speaker 2: what you're looking for instead of forcing it, step back

762
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 2: and draw it to you.

763
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,520
Speaker 1: Okay, And so what I feel like I was doing

764
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:32,120
Speaker 1: in those relationships that I would know five months in

765
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:36,360
Speaker 1: were not good, right, but I would stay for three years,

766
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,080
Speaker 1: you know. And and that was me trying to go, Okay,

767
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 1: I'm gonna work hard enough to where this change is

768
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:46,760
Speaker 1: into what I want instead of what ended up happening.

769
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,360
Speaker 1: And I talk about the crash in my life a

770
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,040
Speaker 1: couple years ago a lot, but it's like that was

771
00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 1: such a fucking gift that it all crashed at the

772
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:59,320
Speaker 1: same time because it was so overwhelming. I had to stop,

773
00:37:59,560 --> 00:38:03,040
Speaker 1: Like I was forced into it because like, you know,

774
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:04,719
Speaker 1: the universe will send me a sign and I'm I

775
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:06,720
Speaker 1: was like, yeah, but like you send me a signier

776
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:10,319
Speaker 1: sign because I get that sign. So that was the

777
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:12,880
Speaker 1: story of my life. And it was because it crashed

778
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: so hard, I was only left with myself and what

779
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:17,920
Speaker 1: I was left with was the fucking biggest shell of

780
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,640
Speaker 1: a human, Like I was not even able to function

781
00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:21,440
Speaker 1: in my day.

782
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:22,600
Speaker 3: To day activities.

783
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,320
Speaker 1: And so with that I had to get this place

784
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 1: of like I can't live like this anymore. I got

785
00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:32,040
Speaker 1: so fed up with the way my life was going that.

786
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:32,920
Speaker 3: I had to stop.

787
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,080
Speaker 1: And that that made me address my patterns. That made

788
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:40,239
Speaker 1: me when I started dating again, say, like when I

789
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:43,080
Speaker 1: recognized the things that I said, I recognized before I

790
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 1: was like very peacefully and very kindly, like, yo, we're

791
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:48,920
Speaker 1: just on different journeys, and like I'm gonna go on

792
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,240
Speaker 1: mine and left the relationship like it wasn't anything that needed.

793
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:52,560
Speaker 3: To be volatile.

794
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:55,759
Speaker 1: But I stopped staying and I stopped showing up or

795
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 1: I started noticing red flags quicker and not going to

796
00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 1: them walking away from them. And then it is interesting

797
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:07,480
Speaker 1: because I don't really feel like I sought out anything

798
00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:10,239
Speaker 1: that's come into my life since it does. It just

799
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:13,480
Speaker 1: kind of started coming in and it was slow. It's

800
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:16,400
Speaker 1: not like this has been overnight. And it's also like

801
00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,840
Speaker 1: it's not going to always be great, you know, Like

802
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,719
Speaker 1: I'm in a really good period right now, but I'm

803
00:39:20,840 --> 00:39:23,560
Speaker 1: very much in the awareness of life ebbs and flows,

804
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:25,680
Speaker 1: and so I'm just gonna embrace this period right now.

805
00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:28,480
Speaker 1: But like, the stuff that has come into my life

806
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:32,960
Speaker 1: and stayed is so aligned with the true things that

807
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:36,800
Speaker 1: my soul wants. And that's because I started paying attention

808
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,640
Speaker 1: to what my soul wants. Right It circles back to

809
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 1: what you were saying at the beginning of the podcast,

810
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:45,040
Speaker 1: like we can't shop for what our heart and our

811
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:48,759
Speaker 1: soul wants outside of us. It's always inside of us. Yeah,

812
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:50,600
Speaker 1: I don't know any of that makes sense. I know

813
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:51,239
Speaker 1: I just went on a.

814
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 2: Rant and no, it one hundred percent makes sense. You know.

815
00:39:54,000 --> 00:39:57,360
Speaker 2: I think often like there's so many external factors in

816
00:39:57,400 --> 00:39:59,640
Speaker 2: our lives, especially when it comes to dating and relationship,

817
00:39:59,640 --> 00:40:02,800
Speaker 2: because there's a million podcasts, there's books, there's your friends

818
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,880
Speaker 2: that are in relationships, there's romanic romantic comedies and television

819
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,719
Speaker 2: just all of the things, love songs that we think

820
00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,840
Speaker 2: it's just something that we have to go get. Yeah,

821
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:12,680
Speaker 2: and it's or.

822
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,359
Speaker 1: If you do it like how your friend did it,

823
00:40:14,440 --> 00:40:18,000
Speaker 1: then you'll get it. But we can't because everyone's different.

824
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:21,120
Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, And I you know, I would highly recommend

825
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 2: people going to chat GPT and put that in because

826
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,319
Speaker 2: it's going to point some things out to you that

827
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:31,000
Speaker 2: like seem obvious when you read them, but they're not

828
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:36,440
Speaker 2: necessarily so obvious that you're seeing it without inquiring. And

829
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:39,560
Speaker 2: you know, I made the joke before we got online

830
00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:46,160
Speaker 2: that the GPT of chat GPT is get personal therapy. Yeah,

831
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:47,880
Speaker 2: and you know, look, there's a lot of people that

832
00:40:48,000 --> 00:40:49,759
Speaker 2: I you know, I've gone to therapy in my life.

833
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 2: I don't go nearly as much as you and I

834
00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:56,239
Speaker 2: haven't gone in forever, and it's probably because I'm uncomfortable

835
00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:58,439
Speaker 2: with that. I'm uncomfortable with being vulnerable with the person

836
00:40:58,480 --> 00:40:59,719
Speaker 2: I have to go in there and like say the

837
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:02,200
Speaker 2: herd shit, but it ain't hard to say it to

838
00:41:02,239 --> 00:41:02,800
Speaker 2: my computer.

839
00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:07,320
Speaker 4: So I really think that's like, yeah, there's no excuse,

840
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:11,319
Speaker 4: And I think it could be sort of the impetus

841
00:41:11,640 --> 00:41:14,040
Speaker 4: to go deeper and maybe go find a therapist.

842
00:41:14,120 --> 00:41:19,440
Speaker 2: So anyone who's listening that has avoided doing that because

843
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:22,640
Speaker 2: they're scared or scared of vulnerability or whatever, maybe start

844
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 2: with chat GBT and like discover a few things about

845
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,160
Speaker 2: yourself that like you need to be smacked with, and

846
00:41:29,840 --> 00:41:31,200
Speaker 2: maybe you'll go a little deeper.

847
00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:33,719
Speaker 1: Well, one of the main things that I love talking

848
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:37,040
Speaker 1: about Marnie, or in our conversation that I loved talking

849
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:40,799
Speaker 1: about was that she kept talking about like if you

850
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:44,239
Speaker 1: feel stuck, like again, I think it's like it's so

851
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:46,600
Speaker 1: easy to go well there's no good men out there

852
00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:49,839
Speaker 1: or dating apps suck, and like I've done that. You

853
00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:52,400
Speaker 1: do that, Like, I think that's just normal because that

854
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:55,960
Speaker 1: is your personal experience at the time. Like I definitely

855
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,640
Speaker 1: lived that where I just kept like bumping up against

856
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:02,640
Speaker 1: walls and it's defeating and it's like if but if

857
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:06,279
Speaker 1: a relationship is truly what you want, you know, it's

858
00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:08,920
Speaker 1: so silly. Sometimes they say start dating yourself. But the

859
00:42:09,239 --> 00:42:14,480
Speaker 1: reason that works is because you start to act out

860
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:17,680
Speaker 1: how you want to be treated. And that's like, that's

861
00:42:17,719 --> 00:42:20,960
Speaker 1: the energy that you're bringing to your life, Like you

862
00:42:21,239 --> 00:42:23,600
Speaker 1: even reading your book and taking that ten minutes in

863
00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,360
Speaker 1: the morning or whatever it is in your morning, or

864
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 1: taking that for yourself is kind of developing this system

865
00:42:29,719 --> 00:42:32,879
Speaker 1: in your world that when someone else comes into it,

866
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:36,000
Speaker 1: they're probably going to be like of that same nature

867
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,320
Speaker 1: or do the same thing, or they're going to honor

868
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:40,880
Speaker 1: that about you, Like right, that doesn't mean they'll do

869
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:42,680
Speaker 1: it exactly the same, but they're going to be a

870
00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:45,239
Speaker 1: person that wants that kind of thing too, because you're

871
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:48,040
Speaker 1: like elevating your vibration by doing that, you know, so

872
00:42:48,080 --> 00:42:51,160
Speaker 1: then you draw in what is going to match that vibration,

873
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 1: not what's going to match the other stuff you've had

874
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:55,920
Speaker 1: in your past. And I just think it was so

875
00:42:55,960 --> 00:42:58,560
Speaker 1: interesting because Martie kept pointing that out, like we want

876
00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,200
Speaker 1: to bitch about the things not but we don't really

877
00:43:01,239 --> 00:43:04,840
Speaker 1: focus on our part in it. And I know I

878
00:43:04,840 --> 00:43:07,719
Speaker 1: I think everyone can get sucked into that. Like it's

879
00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:11,400
Speaker 1: just difficult sometimes to go but I'm still showing up

880
00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:14,200
Speaker 1: for this or why am I picking this kind of person?

881
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,400
Speaker 1: Like just getting curious more than anything. I think is

882
00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:19,680
Speaker 1: a really good place to start with relationships.

883
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:24,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that curiosity can start with you. Yeah, and

884
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:26,120
Speaker 2: chat ChiPT and chat gibt.

885
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:28,920
Speaker 1: I will say this if you guys do really highly

886
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 1: suggest if you want to learn more about your astrology

887
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,560
Speaker 1: and how you work with it, putting it into chatchepet

888
00:43:33,760 --> 00:43:36,800
Speaker 1: is great. But I will say sometimes it gets it wrong,

889
00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:39,319
Speaker 1: like you had that experience tip it told you had

890
00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:40,640
Speaker 1: a Bergamun and I go, no, you don't, you have

891
00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:45,919
Speaker 1: a Piscis moon. But so maybe run your Yeah, run

892
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,880
Speaker 1: your chart in something like an astro dot com or

893
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:52,640
Speaker 1: if you have the pattern app or Chawny or Chawny Chaney,

894
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:54,959
Speaker 1: I don't know how to say her name fully, chaney app.

895
00:43:55,040 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 1: Do your chart in something else first so you have

896
00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,800
Speaker 1: that as a reference, so you can know the houses

897
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:03,799
Speaker 1: and the actual signs that are true to your chart,

898
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:07,240
Speaker 1: and then sid and check it, but just to make sure,

899
00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:08,960
Speaker 1: but it'll correct it, like you just have to go

900
00:44:09,000 --> 00:44:10,960
Speaker 1: back in and say no, I have this instead of that,

901
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:13,719
Speaker 1: and it'll help correct it. But the themes are the

902
00:44:13,719 --> 00:44:16,440
Speaker 1: big help chat chebut you can really help with that

903
00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,759
Speaker 1: so and it's all connected. So anyway, if you guys

904
00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:23,040
Speaker 1: have questions, or you're curious about the same topic, or

905
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,960
Speaker 1: you have experiences with this, you can always email us

906
00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:28,080
Speaker 1: at the Edge at velvet edge dot com or you

907
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:30,200
Speaker 1: can hit me up on Instagram I'm at Velvet Edge.

908
00:44:30,239 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 1: I've loved getting messages from you guys recently, so thank

909
00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:34,640
Speaker 1: you so much for sliding into the DMS. You can

910
00:44:34,640 --> 00:44:36,520
Speaker 1: also slide into chips at.

911
00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:41,040
Speaker 2: I'm at door shout chip dr sch So.

912
00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:43,000
Speaker 1: As you guys go into the weekend, if you're living

913
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,040
Speaker 1: on the edge, I hope you always remember too.

914
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:52,719
Speaker 2: Casual. Bye bye