Speaker 1: If you can catch an owl, you have fully earned
Speaker 1: the right to dunk them a couple times.
Speaker 2: Campsite media arg.
Speaker 3: Rory. In this lighting, it's a little hard for me
Speaker 3: to tell. Do you still have your mustache?
Speaker 1: I do, but I haven't had a shoot for a
Speaker 1: few days, so it's kind of filling.
Speaker 3: In well, considering that today's episode is extremely relevant content
Speaker 3: for you and your facial hair. Oh good, So here goes.
Speaker 3: If we lived in the same city and I snuck
Speaker 3: up on you and like shaved half your mustache off,
Speaker 3: you'd probably punched me, and I deserve it. But would
Speaker 3: you also call the cops? No, so I haven't committed
Speaker 3: a crime.
Speaker 1: I I mean, I know you. You're not a stranger.
Speaker 3: So well, okay, let's imagine that I was a stranger.
Speaker 1: Oh no, I kill you. I kill you.
Speaker 3: When I shave half of your mustache? Are you calling
Speaker 3: the cops? Or You're going to deal with it in
Speaker 3: your own way?
Speaker 1: You're asking a comic, So there's a part of me
Speaker 1: that really appreciates the effort and the high jinks. I
Speaker 1: don't know. I actually don't know if I would call
Speaker 1: the cops. I don't know. That does seem extreme but
Speaker 1: that is also an absurd thing to do to somebody
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: Well, I ask because a version of this happened, and
Speaker 3: not just to one comedian in Denver, to numerous people,
Speaker 3: Amish people in Ohio.
Speaker 1: Oh here we go.
Speaker 3: Their beards were attacked shorn, which raises one of the
Speaker 3: most important questions in the extremely long history of Crime Lost,
Speaker 3: America's foremost podcast for the analysis of nuanced criminal justice issues.
Speaker 3: That's right, one of those burning questions I think that
Speaker 3: haunts nearly every American. Is it a crime to cut
Speaker 3: someone's hair without their permission? And what if that person
Speaker 3: is a cat?
Speaker 1: God, that's all. This is great for some reason. I
Speaker 1: feel like if it's a cat, it's more of.
Speaker 3: A crime, hopefully, I would say, shamefully undercover matter of
Speaker 3: unauthorized grooming. After the break, Hello and welcome back to
Speaker 3: Crime List, the podcast that celebrates the amazing creativity of
Speaker 3: the world's dumbest criminals.
Speaker 1: I'm Josh Dean and I am Rory Scopel.
Speaker 3: Okay, Rory, Yes, when it's time to lose your state
Speaker 3: cops dash, how are you gonna do it?
Speaker 1: Uh? You know what, I'm gonna blend it back in
Speaker 1: I don't want to shave it off. I'm gonna grow
Speaker 1: the beard around it so it gets to hide amongst
Speaker 1: its peers.
Speaker 3: I know you're on the edge of your seat waiting
Speaker 3: for this week's top story, and here it is. On
Speaker 3: February eighth, twenty thirteen, the FBI Press Office proudly reported
Speaker 3: the end of a wild conspiracy in northeastern Ohio, and
Speaker 3: I quote, Sixteen individuals were sentenced today for hate crimes
Speaker 3: involving attacks against Amish residents in Ohio, some carried out
Speaker 3: by the victim's children, and the group's leader received a
Speaker 3: fifteen year prison term. In response to a religious dispute
Speaker 3: among members of an Amish community, the sixty six year
Speaker 3: old bishop of an Amish congregation in Bergholt's, Ohio, directed
Speaker 3: his followers to forcibly cut the hair and beards of
Speaker 3: other members of the Amish faith.
Speaker 1: Oh And I.
Speaker 3: Omitted one bit of information from that second paragraph because
Speaker 3: I didn't want you to gloss over it.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: The name of the mastermind behind this ring of ruthless
Speaker 3: beard choppers. His name from the Extremely on the Nose
Speaker 3: Department is Samuel Mullett, Senior.
Speaker 1: YEP for Good Good.
Speaker 3: Also named in the case were Johnny Mullet, which is
Speaker 3: just an all timer of a fake name to use.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that just seems like a kid who started smoking
Speaker 1: cigarettes at about nine years old.
Speaker 3: So we got Johnny Mullett, Lester Mullett, and Daniel Mullett
Speaker 3: in addition to Samuel Mullett. Then there were a variety
Speaker 3: of Millers, a couple Shocks, and a Burkeholder. First of all,
Speaker 3: this is an adjudicated matter, so I can say with
Speaker 3: confidence that the sixteen people convicted in this case did
Speaker 3: what the government claimed.
Speaker 1: They cut by.
Speaker 3: Force, Okay, But Jerry heard the evidence and found them
Speaker 3: all guilty in the fall of twenty twelve, so we're
Speaker 3: not falsely accusing anyone here of beard cutting. And before
Speaker 3: I get into the details, though, I gotta ask you
Speaker 3: a question. Do you know why the Amish grow those
Speaker 3: extremely long, kind of unruly beards.
Speaker 1: I don't know the reason for it, unless it's just, hey,
Speaker 1: this is a signifier that you're in our group.
Speaker 3: It's because of the Bible basically, okay, which isn't to
Speaker 3: say that this is a particularly Christian quirk.
Speaker 1: Either.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna make a gross generalization here and risk cancelation
Speaker 3: by numerous global religions.
Speaker 1: I love getting brought down with other people. Please go ahead.
Speaker 3: No, but I think you can often tell how fundamentalists strict.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna dare I say unfun a religious group is
Speaker 3: by the unruliness of their beards, Like the longer the beard,
Speaker 3: the more seriously religious.
Speaker 1: The more committed they are to the religion. Do you
Speaker 1: think there's any chance any of the Amish got their
Speaker 1: beards shorn and we're like, oh my god, I look great.
Speaker 1: Like they had any moment, like there's any epiphany of like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, look who's underneath there. I haven't seen
Speaker 1: that guy in years. Oh my god, look who's been
Speaker 1: hiding under that face blanket? Wow? And I think that's
Speaker 1: the voice of a lot of Amish people. When you
Speaker 1: think Amish person, you're like, oh my god. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean if they look like Civil War soldiers who
Speaker 3: are abandoned in a remote cave or Tom Hanks and castaway,
Speaker 3: probably a tough hang.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, definitely a tough hang. For sure.
Speaker 3: Those are the kind of people who would disapprove of
Speaker 3: many of your habits.
Speaker 1: Yes, I think your theory is correct.
Speaker 3: So the Amish see the beard as a symbol of masculinity. Apparently,
Speaker 3: beards are mentioned nineteen times to the Bible. Okay, and
Speaker 3: the founder of the Amish sect, Joseph Ahman, I guess
Speaker 3: that's where we get the term Amish. He decided it
Speaker 3: was God's will to grow a beard, and it's a
Speaker 3: sin to shave one off. But there's an important caveat
Speaker 3: married men. Single Amish dudes do not grow beards, which
Speaker 3: makes it very easy for the ladies. Oh so, no,
Speaker 3: you can't, like, there's no excuse, like I didn't know.
Speaker 1: He was married. Yeah, it's my Amish voice. By the way,
Speaker 1: that was actually right, he was married.
Speaker 2: Oh I didn't know.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. This is good voice work that we're
Speaker 1: doing here. Oh my god, he's married.
Speaker 3: It's also the only way to tell an Amish guys
Speaker 3: married because they don't wear rings. Okay, I'm teaching you
Speaker 3: so much today. There is a lot of education happening
Speaker 3: right now. But you know what, the Amish don't like
Speaker 3: rory what a mustache?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah, you want to guess why that is.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm only just now realizing that that's
Speaker 1: the case.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Because like Amish people have the big beard and
Speaker 3: no mustache, which is a look.
Speaker 1: It's definitely a look. But for some reason, it never
Speaker 1: occurs to me that there's a reason for it. Obviously
Speaker 1: it's because they're pacifists. Rory, Okay.
Speaker 3: Apparently, back in the nineteenth century when the Amish came
Speaker 3: about in Europe, the British and French military is required
Speaker 3: their soldiers to have mustaches. Oh, all right, feelings about that.
Speaker 1: So the Amish are a little more rebellious than we
Speaker 1: have ever been led to believe. Yeah, because the fact
Speaker 1: that they completely live inside their own cultures and never
Speaker 1: interact with us.
Speaker 3: Or use electricity or any modern machines.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, outside of those things you're telling me
Speaker 1: they're rebellious.
Speaker 3: So the Amish hate war, so they banned mustaches. That's
Speaker 3: a statement.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like that. I can get behind that. As
Speaker 1: a guy who only has a mustache, you're the opposite
Speaker 1: of the Amish. I love war. I love it. I
Speaker 1: just love it.
Speaker 3: So that concludes the religious history lesson for today. I'll
Speaker 3: get back to our crime. According to the US Attorney's
Speaker 3: Office for the Northern District of Ohio, which is based
Speaker 3: in Cleveland, the group, led by Sam Mullett, yes his
Speaker 3: real name, carried out five separate beard and hair assault
Speaker 3: in four Ohio counties between September and November twenty eleven.
Speaker 3: In each assault, the defendants quote forcibly removed beard and
Speaker 3: head hair from practitioners of the Amish faith with whom
Speaker 3: they had ongoing religious disputes. Wow, so that's the crux
Speaker 3: a bit. It was a religious dispute. Mullet was the
Speaker 3: bishop of one specific group of about twenty Amish families
Speaker 3: who lived on two hundred acres near Bergholtz, Ohio, which
Speaker 3: is about one hundred miles south of Cleveland. The problem
Speaker 3: seemed to stem from some family troubles in the Mullet clan,
Speaker 3: specifically a messy breakup huh. After the estranged husband of
Speaker 3: Wilma Mullet, Sam's daughter was granted custody of their children.
Speaker 3: It led to the kids moving out of the community,
Speaker 3: and this did not go over well with Sam Mullet,
Speaker 3: who sounds like a bit of a dick.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm just gonna say it. Well, he is wanting
Speaker 1: to keep his grandkids close by, right, I mean yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's fair. I would also be upset, but
Speaker 1: I wouldn't go.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't do this because he decided to mete out
Speaker 3: some of his own justice, a little like custom Amish
Speaker 3: violence here he I mean, look, he's a mullet. This
Speaker 3: is the mullet way. This is the mullet way. Here's
Speaker 3: what he told The New York Times a year after
Speaker 3: his convey in a jailhouse interview. We felt God was
Speaker 3: against us, the community was sinning, and men were not
Speaker 3: leading Christian lives. The inference there, I think is that
Speaker 3: Wilma's ex was stepping out and wasn't the only one.
Speaker 3: Sam feared that his flock was overly randy, and he
Speaker 3: really spun out over this. He instituted a series of
Speaker 3: pretty radical practices, like he canceled the bi weekly church
Speaker 3: services that are typical in Amish settlements and instead required
Speaker 3: members to attend regular meetings that, according to the Times,
Speaker 3: were quote filled with accusations and confessions. Going to keep
Speaker 3: reading from the Times here. In that tormented climate, Wilma
Speaker 3: Mullett concluded that her brother Johnny and other men were
Speaker 3: mistreating their wives and children and having impure thoughts about
Speaker 3: other women. One night in early twenty ten, Wilma and
Speaker 3: another woman took it upon themselves, she said, to force
Speaker 3: her brother and six other husbands to rethink their ways
Speaker 3: cutting off their beards in front of others.
Speaker 1: Huh huh.
Speaker 3: It's like an ari astor horror movie kind of.
Speaker 1: I gotta say, there is a vibe, there is a
Speaker 1: little bit that there's a splash of that. I gotta say,
Speaker 1: outside of the assault element of it, I bet it
Speaker 1: is really fun to just shave off a massive beard.
Speaker 1: I would think.
Speaker 3: So it's like a like a like a topiary, right,
Speaker 3: like when you have like a big hedge and you
Speaker 3: just like, ah, look at those.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like there's a chance they like shaved a dude
Speaker 1: and they were like, my god, you look fifteen. I
Speaker 1: mean might be fifteen with the beard. We thought you
Speaker 1: were fifty eight shaved. I thought you were in high school.
Speaker 3: It's like when you see the images of like a
Speaker 3: wet owl. Have you ever seen like a bird without
Speaker 3: its feather?
Speaker 1: It's such a specific example of rash, such a wildly yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, it reminds me of a wet owl. I
Speaker 1: feel like that's our next T shirt. I bet you
Speaker 1: right now. One listener was like, I was just gonna say,
Speaker 1: wet owl.
Speaker 3: So during the trial, prosecutors and witnesses described how some
Speaker 3: of the defendants Sam Mullet's sons in this case, pulled
Speaker 3: one guy out of bed and chopped off his beard. Meanwhile,
Speaker 3: some female followers surrounded their mother in law and cut
Speaker 3: off two feet of her hair. Hmm, man, Yeah, they
Speaker 3: also started making quote errant men. Not sure if that's
Speaker 3: cheaters or just men who dream of bare ankles sleep
Speaker 3: in chicken.
Speaker 1: Coops from up to two weeks. Okay, now it's gotten.
Speaker 1: Now it's a little more aster than we had previously.
Speaker 3: Now Sam claimed the door was never locked. He did
Speaker 3: admit to one other very weird rule, which is that
Speaker 3: when he caught two men fistfighting, he insisted they work
Speaker 3: out their issues by spanking each other with wooden paddles.
Speaker 1: Okay, this is There's so much coming to light the
Speaker 1: more that we dig.
Speaker 3: I feel like Sam has some stuff to work out
Speaker 3: in therapy.
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, Sam does not know fully, he has
Speaker 1: not fully formed in his mind what it is he's
Speaker 1: truly into, and he's just trying everything. Throw every noodle
Speaker 1: at the wall, let's see what sticks. I gotta say
Speaker 1: I was pretty relieved.
Speaker 3: I mean, I loved the headline, but then to learn
Speaker 3: that it was Amish on Amish crime because otherwise, you know,
Speaker 3: I'm sure there have been some asshole teens out there
Speaker 3: in Ohio or two. Yeah, but it would be a
Speaker 3: much less funny story if it was outsiders or the English,
Speaker 3: as I believe they called Harrison Ford and Witness.
Speaker 1: I agree with you. It does feel like it makes
Speaker 1: it more like, uh, I don't know, palatable.
Speaker 3: Yeah, otherwise it would be kind of mean.
Speaker 1: Yeah, otherwise it feels Yeah, otherwise, it feels like a
Speaker 1: hate crime, despite the fact it's clearly fucked up.
Speaker 3: In the aftermath, some of the local Amish definitely did
Speaker 3: not want to claim Sam Mullet as one of their own.
Speaker 3: One woman, whose husband is an Amish bishop and had
Speaker 3: his beard cut off, called Sam's disciples a cult and
Speaker 3: accused him of quote programming their minds.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 3: These attacks were never just about hair, said assistant US
Speaker 3: Attorney Bridget Brennan after the convictions were announced. They were
Speaker 3: about religion, which is, by the way, why this was
Speaker 3: a crime. Coming full circle here, Rory. This was, according
Speaker 3: to the US government, a form of religious persecution. The
Speaker 3: state argued that These were hate crimes, religiously motivated assaults,
Speaker 3: which is why they were handled by the DOJ's Civil
Speaker 3: Rights Division. Sam got fifteen years in the slammer, four
Speaker 3: other dudes got seven years, and the rest of the
Speaker 3: gang up between one and four years.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 3: Meanwhile, back home, some of those who stayed in Bergholtz
Speaker 3: seemed to feel like justice was not served at all,
Speaker 3: Like Sam's unmarried and therefore unbearded nineteen year old grandson
Speaker 3: Edward mast who talked to a reporter from WKYC in
Speaker 3: Cleveland and said, the beard, what it stands for me?
Speaker 3: What I know about it? Once you're married, you just
Speaker 3: grow a beard. That's just the way, jamshit love how
Speaker 3: fucking just right to the point that is Oh for me,
Speaker 3: it just means you're married.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 3: As for the victims, he added, quote, they got their
Speaker 3: beard back again, So what's the big deal about it?
Speaker 1: Interesting?
Speaker 3: Very interesting, That, of course, is not how the US
Speaker 3: government felt. Yeah, from day one, this case has been
Speaker 3: about the rule of law in defending the right of
Speaker 3: people to worship in peace. This was never about haircut,
Speaker 3: said US attorney Stephen Deddleback. These were violent, religiously motivated
Speaker 3: home invasions that left the victims bloody, bruised and beaten.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that. Someone's like a it's just haircuts,
Speaker 1: the guy is it?
Speaker 4: Is it?
Speaker 1: Maybe not quite? Yeah.
Speaker 3: He called the verdicts a triumph for one of the
Speaker 3: most basic and sacred freedoms in this country, the freedom
Speaker 3: of religion, and the judge. US District Judge Dan Aaron
Speaker 3: Poulster also pulled no punges. Here's what he said to
Speaker 3: Sam Mullet before his sentencing. You deserve the longest and
Speaker 3: harshest sentence. Sadly, I consider you are a danger to
Speaker 3: the community.
Speaker 1: Well, you're right. He really didn't hold back in those
Speaker 1: two sentences. He let them have it. He really laid
Speaker 1: it on him with words. And then fifteen years in prison. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean that's I gotta say, that's impressive. Didn't I
Speaker 1: don't know that I saw fifteen coming.
Speaker 3: No, I feel like no one did. I think Sam.
Speaker 3: Sam's gonna come out of prison as like a tattooed
Speaker 3: gang member.
Speaker 1: There's no way he's not going to change. He's he's
Speaker 1: into like colts. I think that one guy's right. It
Speaker 1: does just feel very cultish.
Speaker 3: I feel like this is the start of another really
Speaker 3: good movie, which is like the kind of breaking bad homage.
Speaker 3: Guy goes to prison for beard shaving fifteen years later,
Speaker 3: comes out and becomes like an Amish mafia gang boss.
Speaker 1: Yeah, tat's on his knuckles, but he springs from jail
Speaker 1: and it's called rum Springer. Oh yes, and his rum
Speaker 1: Springer is in prison. So it wasn't fun at all.
Speaker 3: I mean, I can't believe we got to the very
Speaker 3: end of the segment in rum Springer has only now
Speaker 3: come up.
Speaker 1: It was well, hey, I'm glad we got there better
Speaker 1: late than ever it was bound to because.
Speaker 3: We would have gotten letters. Otherwise they'd be like, wait,
Speaker 3: you did a whole Omish segment. There was no discussion
Speaker 3: of rum Springer. Yeah, that's right, all right. Well after
Speaker 3: the break, we've got a very different kind of barber
Speaker 3: shop ambush. Okay, Rory, I'm gonna show you a picture now, okay,
Speaker 3: Well Lane Is I don't have that kind of power.
Speaker 1: Can you see what that is? Oh my god, Oh
Speaker 1: my god.
Speaker 3: The caption says, my friend's cat got shaved at the
Speaker 3: vet and now she looks like a game of exquisite corpse. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it has nothing to do with our story. So that,
Speaker 3: as the caption clearly states, this cat's shaving was totally
Speaker 3: above board. But what are we what are we looking
Speaker 3: at here, Rory?
Speaker 1: It's a cat. It's really hard to even fully understand,
Speaker 1: but it's a cat that is shaved. In the middle
Speaker 1: mid section of the cat body, the cat is like
Speaker 1: standing up leaned against a screen door. In the middle
Speaker 1: part is shaved like for a surgery kind of thing.
Speaker 1: And so the full upper half of the cat is
Speaker 1: still full with hair and the lower half is full
Speaker 1: of hair. And it looks like, in a cartoonish way,
Speaker 1: someone just stretched the cat out right shaved or not shaved.
Speaker 1: That looks like a long cat.
Speaker 3: Well, that has nothing to do with our story. I
Speaker 3: just felt like you needed to see that, and you're right,
Speaker 3: I did need to see that. Are you a cat guy?
Speaker 1: I am not. I'm allergic to cats, and therefore I've
Speaker 1: never developed any sort of warmth with any cats.
Speaker 3: So you've never tried to shave a cat or trim
Speaker 3: a cat's nails, put a cat into a carrier. No, no, okay.
Speaker 1: But I've you know, I've tried to as a kid,
Speaker 1: tried to hold a cat unaware that they're not like
Speaker 1: puppies and I've been scratched. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think people who don't spend time around cast need
Speaker 3: to understand how hard those things are. Yeah, really understand
Speaker 3: the depravity of our second tale Today, here's Bill Fitzgerald
Speaker 3: from WTVR in Richmond, Virginia with our story from the
Speaker 3: spring of twenty seventeen in the small rural town of Waynesboro.
Speaker 5: A bizarre mystery to share with you tonight. Someone's going
Speaker 5: around a small Virginia city abducting pet cats, shaving them,
Speaker 5: and then returning them to where they were found. Police
Speaker 5: in Waynesboro say it's happened at least seven times to
Speaker 5: different cats since December.
Speaker 1: So wow.
Speaker 3: Rebecca Martin, the cat owner who you just saw pop
Speaker 3: up there at the end, said that what she found
Speaker 3: motes upsetting was the shaving of her cat, Tiger Lily's belly,
Speaker 3: not once, but twice in the previous year. Hurt her
Speaker 3: not like physically, but it must have been mentally hard
Speaker 3: on her, which she deduces because the cat doesn't.
Speaker 1: Like to be picked up anymore. Huh.
Speaker 3: Anchor Bill Fitzgerald closes his segment with the most important
Speaker 3: question of all at least for US.
Speaker 5: Police say they're not even sure what crime has.
Speaker 3: Been committed, cutting amash Beard's crime shaving cat maybe not yet.
Speaker 1: What are we? I love that the cops are like, look,
Speaker 1: we don't even know the law.
Speaker 3: So this bizarre spade of cat shaving comes on the
Speaker 3: heels of report from w HSVTV in which another Waynesboro
Speaker 3: cat owner was interviewed about her cat having its undercarriage shape.
Speaker 3: When the station called the local police, they weren't super helpful,
Speaker 3: but did pause it. One theory as to what might
Speaker 3: be happening. Want to guess what the cops theorized. I
Speaker 3: don't even have a guess. No, they believed it could
Speaker 3: have been someone checking to see if the cats were
Speaker 3: spade or neuters.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, it was always the belly, it seemed in
Speaker 1: this case.
Speaker 3: Yes, okay, So how do you do that?
Speaker 1: Why would that work? Looking at the scars? I guess scars? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Does this mean if a cat had no scars they'd
Speaker 3: take it a step further and spay or neuter the cat.
Speaker 1: They would kill the cat. They would just have to
Speaker 1: kill the cat. There's nothing else you can do, absolutely
Speaker 1: no other options.
Speaker 3: Lest you think this is only something that troubled American
Speaker 3: teens would do. I offer you this twenty twenty three
Speaker 3: report from ITV in the UK.
Speaker 4: To the mystery surrounding what cat owners have described as
Speaker 4: a disturbing space of attacks on their pets. There are
Speaker 4: more than fifty reports of pet cats having had their
Speaker 4: furs shaven off across the southeast of England.
Speaker 3: More than fifty reports.
Speaker 1: Isn't it funny how just her accent alone gives so
Speaker 1: much more credence to like the nightly news, Like over here,
Speaker 1: it just seems so performative. But that just because of
Speaker 1: an accent, We're like, this is real news.
Speaker 3: Oh you know, you're right, Like every one of ours
Speaker 3: makes Anchorman seem like a documentary exactly.
Speaker 1: Then you hear a British accent, You're like, shut up,
Speaker 1: something important is being told to us.
Speaker 3: So that Anchor goes on to Warren that it could
Speaker 3: become quote a daily occurrence.
Speaker 1: Oh my god.
Speaker 6: Coco has always been a playful, happy cat who liked
Speaker 6: her tummy being tickled until she was attacked two days ago.
Speaker 7: I was stroking her and then felt kind of this
Speaker 7: stubbly area on her tummy, and I actually realized that
Speaker 7: they've actually shaved the insides of their thighs and her
Speaker 7: tummy area as well.
Speaker 6: Since the shaving, Coco has been unsettled and become reclusive.
Speaker 1: Man, I'm sorry that I'm laughing at that, But what
Speaker 1: that makes me think you did it? I mean, it's
Speaker 1: exactly what you said.
Speaker 3: It's the toad, the accent, the tone that makes it
Speaker 3: seem like they're taking it so serious.
Speaker 1: It's just like, this is so much more real and dramatic.
Speaker 8: But over here tonight we've got cats getting shored. What
Speaker 8: are Presley saying about it? Right after these messages and
Speaker 8: like you're like, all right, no.
Speaker 3: That seemed like, I mean the close up of the
Speaker 3: cat's face as they were saying the cat had become
Speaker 3: unsettled and reclusive.
Speaker 1: But these cats have such a different struggle. You're like
Speaker 1: immediately like, oh my god, yeah, i gotta say. It
Speaker 1: does seem evil, the element of learning that it changes
Speaker 1: the cat's psyche. It's like, Okay, that's one, why are
Speaker 1: you doing this? But two now it's got an evil
Speaker 1: element to it where you're like, oh, you're like fucking
Speaker 1: with these cats' brains again.
Speaker 3: We're applying human emotions to cats. Here, but so with
Speaker 3: the news people.
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right, and I look at it. I
Speaker 1: don't even like cats, and I'm here to vending cats
Speaker 1: and not just these cats, the musical cats, anything involving cats.
Speaker 3: In the case of these cats in Kent, the shavings
Speaker 3: were more random. The shaver or shavers targeted different areas.
Speaker 1: Of the many cats.
Speaker 3: There were bellies, sure, but also backs, sides, legs. An
Speaker 3: organization called Animals Lost and Found in Kent went so
Speaker 3: far as to map the attacks in twenty twenty four
Speaker 3: and counted as many It was one hundred and seventeen,
Speaker 3: stretching from the south of England all the way to Scotland.
Speaker 3: Natasha McPhee, director of the organization, said on fortunately we
Speaker 3: have no idea why anyone would do this. There was
Speaker 3: once an elderly ladies shaving cats that would come into
Speaker 3: her garden, but she was cautioned and stopped. I doubt
Speaker 3: she's traveling the UK shaving cats. Well, I'm not a
Speaker 3: crazy large country, you know, England. Just to just England alone,
Speaker 3: could you could really get around and really work a
Speaker 3: number on a lot of cats. It always starts with
Speaker 3: one too, right, like that lady's got to be on
Speaker 3: the suspect list.
Speaker 1: The drug kicks in, you know what I mean, you're
Speaker 1: gonna let's go one town over, suddenly you're an hour away.
Speaker 3: I mean, I also doubt it was her, but that
Speaker 3: would make a great BBC limited series. You're right, whatever
Speaker 3: is happening here, Rory, I think we can agree this
Speaker 3: is creepy as hell.
Speaker 1: Yeah to even want to do this, Yeah, it's I
Speaker 1: don't know the belly. It's got a serial killer vibe
Speaker 1: to it with no murder.
Speaker 3: The thing about these cat atacks in England, they're still
Speaker 3: going on because earlier this year the problem flared up
Speaker 3: again as more cats in the South of England were
Speaker 3: targeted by this mysterious weirdo or Weirdo's.
Speaker 1: The South Holland.
Speaker 3: Police released a statement. It has been brought to the
Speaker 3: attention of the local policing team that some cats have
Speaker 3: been returning to owners addresses in the morning with parts
Speaker 3: of their fur having been shaven off. This appears to
Speaker 3: be in the Pinchback area. There's also been a case
Speaker 3: of this in Curtain near Boston. The motivation behind this
Speaker 3: is not known. The cats do not appear physically harmed,
Speaker 3: and the shaven areas appears to be small and caused
Speaker 3: by some form of hair clippers.
Speaker 1: Don't they have like CCTV everywhere? Like, don't they No
Speaker 1: one's got anything on this, apparently not. It seems insane.
Speaker 3: The wildest and most disturbing theory I found was that
Speaker 3: these cats were somehow being marked for future injury, perhaps
Speaker 3: to be killed, which is some very dark shit.
Speaker 1: That now it's getting a little that's a little too far, now, wow,
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't have a theory here, do you?
Speaker 1: I have no theory at all. Like if this is
Speaker 1: someone's like weird thing they just do with cats, it's
Speaker 1: like what, I don't know. It's so confusing. Well, at
Speaker 1: least the local.
Speaker 3: Cops are delivering a stern warning to these cat shaving sickos.
Speaker 3: This police statement comes from a story with the headline
Speaker 3: police tell people to stop shaving cats.
Speaker 1: I was about to make the joke. Police give stern warning,
Speaker 1: Hey cut it out, greatly misinterpreted crime continues.
Speaker 3: They also said, quote this behavior is completely unacceptable. Whatever
Speaker 3: the motivation behind this is, it's not something that should
Speaker 3: be taking place. And also this is not a bit
Speaker 3: of fun and needs to stop now, which.
Speaker 1: All sounds like something seems like it seems like someone
Speaker 1: who knows someone's in trouble, but they don't even really
Speaker 1: know what they did. All right, Well, change and be better.
Speaker 3: I guess I should have done that in a British accent?
Speaker 3: Can you do in a British accent?
Speaker 1: Cut it out? This is not a bit of fun.
Speaker 1: These kissy cats. Leave these kitty cats.
Speaker 8: Be we let you drink outside of pubs on public
Speaker 8: sidewalks with glass pint glasses.
Speaker 1: Can't that be enough?
Speaker 3: So, whether it's a crime or not, the British cat
Speaker 3: attacks are still unsolved. So get after it crime less nation, Yeah,
Speaker 3: get after.
Speaker 1: It solved, or hire that don't fuck with Cats team
Speaker 1: from that documentary those people did. Like that was insane research.
Speaker 1: Those people did that documentary I did. And that guy
Speaker 1: was a killer and they got him. That guy was
Speaker 1: a murderer. They should be able to get this guy.
Speaker 1: That's I think this would be even easier. Season two,
Speaker 1: Season two, Stop Shaving Cats by Josh the Wet Owl Dean.
Speaker 3: All right, after the break our final segment.
Speaker 1: This is crimeless Lane.
Speaker 3: What's our final segment?
Speaker 1: Lane's game?
Speaker 2: So I have more of a rabbit hole than a game.
Speaker 2: But I have one question I'm going to ask you,
Speaker 2: so don't completely check out.
Speaker 1: I love that when we get to Lane's games, Lane
Speaker 1: goes more of a rabbit hole.
Speaker 2: Here we go, I'm in the driver's team.
Speaker 1: Now we go where I say.
Speaker 3: I've got this theory about the twenty twenty elections.
Speaker 2: So a fun fact from the Crime List staff is
Speaker 2: Josh and I both lived around Namish Country.
Speaker 3: Josh remind me where western Maryland, Western Pennsylvania, eastern Ohio district. Like, basically,
Speaker 3: the Amish were in southwestern Pennsylvania, Okay.
Speaker 2: And I grew up about fifteen minutes outside of Sugar Creek, Ohio,
Speaker 2: which is due with a gateway to Amish Country, Okay,
Speaker 2: which means over the years there's been a lot of
Speaker 2: like tourism popping up, lots of there's like new hotels, restaurants, shops,
Speaker 2: and a five hundred seat theater. And in twenty sixteen,
Speaker 2: this is when it opened. They were one of the
Speaker 2: first performances was a musical called Josiah for President. And
Speaker 2: this musical I drove by this billboard so many times
Speaker 2: and it was just like an image of an Amish
Speaker 2: man in front of the White House with his horse
Speaker 2: and buggy, and I was always like, what the fuck,
Speaker 2: what is this? This can't be real. So I'm very
Speaker 2: grateful to Crime List because I finally got to get
Speaker 2: to the bottom of what this musical was about. And
Speaker 2: I want to share a video with you.
Speaker 9: Yes, okay, Yes, I am Congressman Mark Steedman, And as
Speaker 9: you know, I have withdrawn my candidacy for President of
Speaker 9: the United States. The man I am endorsing will take
Speaker 9: America back back to basics, back to what is important
Speaker 9: in life. I am endorsing Josiah for President.
Speaker 1: I am in shock. This is not a daily show sketch.
Speaker 2: This is so real.
Speaker 1: And you're telling me that you drove passed this all
Speaker 1: the time and never once bought a ticket to go
Speaker 1: see Wow Wow. I mean, because that was an extended
Speaker 1: run there, March, April, May, June, July. Come on. It
Speaker 1: also begs the question what act could follow that It's
Speaker 1: always going to be Josiah for Commissioner, Josiah for comptroller comptroller.
Speaker 2: So yeah, you get the gist of it. A presidential
Speaker 2: candidate drops out, taps this amish man, Josiah runs on
Speaker 2: a plane truce platform, and the question is asked, can
Speaker 2: he heal a broken nation? And that would be all
Speaker 2: a broken nation? Twenty twelve when this book was written,
Speaker 2: the musicals based off any questions before I move on
Speaker 2: about Josiah.
Speaker 1: Is the soundtrack available streaming anywhere?
Speaker 2: Nope, but you can buy it on eBay for ninety dollars.
Speaker 1: And I will.
Speaker 3: Okay, did an Amish person write this?
Speaker 1: No? Just a woman even better.
Speaker 3: Because they'd have to write it on paper because they can't.
Speaker 1: Right. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Also I like that. I asked was it an homage person?
Speaker 3: He said, no, just a woman. Nope, it was a woman.
Speaker 1: Okay. So yeah.
Speaker 2: This has been running for like a decade now and
Speaker 2: I've only read positive reviews for it, and I found
Speaker 2: one that Rory, I was wondering if you could read
Speaker 2: for us in your best Southern accent, which I know
Speaker 2: you have.
Speaker 1: Is he doing this? Is? What region? Is this?
Speaker 3: South Carolina, Georgia, Florida.
Speaker 2: This means from Michigan, but I think.
Speaker 1: A southern action, but southern makes the most sense. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I'm not much of a fan of live plays. At
Speaker 1: age seventy seven and a half, I would rather honestly
Speaker 1: sit at home at my computer and look at what
Speaker 1: I will you know what I want to watch in
Speaker 1: my computer chair and hot pad to sue, then aching back,
Speaker 1: then go about anywhere else. But my sweetheart of forty
Speaker 1: two years yes on June nineteenth, twenty twenty four, wanted
Speaker 1: me to take her to the play at Shipshee for
Speaker 1: our four second wedding anniversary. So I took her there
Speaker 1: from Grand Rapids Mish with my making back slash leg
Speaker 1: numbness issues, and it was a hot ninety eight degrees outside,
Speaker 1: so the air conditioning was not the coldest for me,
Speaker 1: though it was fine for my sweetie. I started feeling
Speaker 1: like leaving and taking a nap might be a better
Speaker 1: use of my time. I'm so glad I did it. However,
Speaker 1: the play takes a very intriguing twist as it comes
Speaker 1: to an end which I dare not give away. Just
Speaker 1: want to say that for an old country redneck not
Speaker 1: into musical plays, I would give this one one hundred
Speaker 1: out of one hundred likes. So again I would just
Speaker 1: like to reiterate my score here is one one hundred
Speaker 1: out of one one hundred likes, which many could interpret
Speaker 1: as the lowest score.
Speaker 3: Also out of one hundred likes, not a unit of
Speaker 3: measure for popularity.
Speaker 1: That I use a lot.
Speaker 3: How many of one hundred likes would you give it?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Hundred?
Speaker 2: So your single question for the day is something that
Speaker 2: Norm brought up. What is the very intriguing twist that
Speaker 2: is great? Josiah does win the election, so that's not
Speaker 2: the twist.
Speaker 1: Yes he has to I have multiple.
Speaker 2: Choice, but I'm willing to hear your theories.
Speaker 1: All right, here you go. First, he wins the election
Speaker 1: and we find out this whole time he was an
Speaker 1: undercover cop. But let me finish one of those AI cops. Wait,
Speaker 1: what year was this?
Speaker 2: Twenty twelve is when it was written.
Speaker 1: All right, forget the AI thing. Undercover cop stays.
Speaker 3: My twist is he grows a mustache and declares war
Speaker 3: on Canada. Smart Smart wants the mustache. He doesn't have
Speaker 3: to be a pacifist anymore. Finally, all right, give us
Speaker 3: the multiple choice because I'm sure that I was right
Speaker 3: and Rora was not.
Speaker 2: None of those are right.
Speaker 1: If this musical is written by an Amish man, believe
Speaker 1: you me, undercover cop would have been the ending.
Speaker 2: Too bad it was a woman.
Speaker 1: It was a woman who has a more practical storyline
Speaker 1: that fits the ending.
Speaker 2: Okay, so is the twist A During Josiah's Rumspringer, he
Speaker 2: was arrested for a hit and run while driving a
Speaker 2: stolen vehicle. His opponents leak this to the press, ruining
Speaker 2: his wholesome reputation in chances of reelection. That's a b.
Speaker 2: Josiah's bishop urges him to drop out of the race,
Speaker 2: saying his candidacy will bring shame to his community and
Speaker 2: dilute his faith. But when Josiah wins the election, the
Speaker 2: bishop is close to shunning him, So Josiah resigns from
Speaker 2: office and returns home or c. After the State of
Speaker 2: the Union address, President Josiah is assassinated by a deranged blogger.
Speaker 2: He dies outside the Capitol Building in his wife's arms.
Speaker 2: She does not ride in the ambulance with him because
Speaker 2: she is Amish and it is a car that's see.
Speaker 1: Okay, But before we guess, Josh, I would just like
Speaker 1: to point out again this reviewer, based on one of
Speaker 1: those three options thought one hundred out of one hundred.
Speaker 1: Now I know, Josh, you've sat here and you heard
Speaker 1: all three potential endings, and zero of them sound one
Speaker 1: hundred out of one hundred.
Speaker 3: Well, to be fair, I'm not familiar with the one
Speaker 3: hundred like scale.
Speaker 1: So oh my god, I what blew this guy's mind.
Speaker 1: I'm going to go with the assassination because it seems
Speaker 1: like that would be the most Oh my god. Maybe
Speaker 1: the production of the assassination was significant, That's my guess.
Speaker 1: The others are kind of like, why would that guy
Speaker 1: be so blown away by that?
Speaker 3: Yeah, the like disappointed bishop, but I.
Speaker 1: Feel like that. But the twist at the end what
Speaker 1: the bishop is judgmental.
Speaker 3: I'm going assassination too.
Speaker 2: It is assassination. It is assassination. He is shot by
Speaker 2: a by a blogger whose name is storm Cloud four four,
Speaker 2: which seems weird.
Speaker 1: Not also, just to be very clear, not the online
Speaker 1: profile name. That person's real name is storm Cloud for four.
Speaker 2: Oh you've read the book too.
Speaker 1: I'm a big fan of Josiah goes to Washington.
Speaker 2: As I have a president.
Speaker 8: Ye.
Speaker 3: So he's shot and he dies of his wife's arms,
Speaker 3: but she refuses to.
Speaker 1: Get in the ambulance. The ambulance Yeah, like, do you have.
Speaker 3: A horse powered ambulance that we could take?
Speaker 1: I would go see this I would go see this
Speaker 1: show if I was in town. How you were able
Speaker 1: to avoid it? I don't know.
Speaker 2: I was in college at the time, you know, I was,
Speaker 2: I was above theater.
Speaker 1: I think it's got one hundred out of one hundred likes.
Speaker 3: Somebody is going to hear this, and we're gonna remake.
Speaker 3: We're gonna bring We're gonna do Josiah too.
Speaker 1: Just yeah, this is going to be a film before
Speaker 1: you know it. Crap.
Speaker 2: Let's you know what, Rory, do you want to be Josiah?
Speaker 3: Yes, obviously, you guys just got to reverse the mustache
Speaker 3: to Beard.
Speaker 1: I'll do whatever Hollywood needs. H you'd make a good Josiah.
Speaker 2: I think, thank you, thank you for coming down this
Speaker 2: rabbit hole with me. I feel like I could I
Speaker 2: could breathe again.
Speaker 1: Yeah. This felt more therapeutic for you than a quiz.
Speaker 2: Yeah it really was.
Speaker 3: Crime Less is a production of SmartLess Media, Campside Media,
Speaker 3: and Big Money Players in partnership with iHeart Podcasts. It's
Speaker 3: hosted by Rory Scovel and me Josh Dean. Our senior
Speaker 3: producer is Lane Rose. Emma Simonov is our associate producer.
Speaker 3: We're sound designed and engineered by Blake Brook with support
Speaker 3: from Ewan letram Ewen Mark McAdam composed.
Speaker 1: Our theme song.
Speaker 3: The executive producers at Campside Media are Vanessa Gregoriatis, Matt
Speaker 3: Cher and me Josh Dean. The executive producers for iHeart
Speaker 3: Podcasts and Big Money Players are Jack O'Brien, Lindsay Hoffmans,
Speaker 3: and Matt Appadaka. For SmartLess Media, the executive producers are
Speaker 3: Will Arnette, Jason Bateman, Sean Hayes, and Richard Corson. Bernie
Speaker 3: Kaminski is head of Production. The associate producer is Mattie McCann.
Speaker 3: A special thanks to our operations team, Ashley Warren and
Speaker 3: Sabina Marra. Do you have a question, comment, or confession
Speaker 3: for the Crimeless team, Email us at Crimeless at campsidmedia
Speaker 3: dot com and if you enjoyed Crimeless, please rate and
Speaker 3: review the show wherever you.
Speaker 1: Get your podcasts.
Speaker 3: It helps people find the show and also makes us
Speaker 3: feel validated, unless you're mean, in which.
Speaker 1: Case keep it to yourself. We'll see you next week.
Speaker 1: Crime List Nations