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Speaker 1: If you have your own story of being in a

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Speaker 1: cult or a high control group.

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Speaker 2: Or if you've had experience with manipulation or abusive power

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Speaker 2: that you'd like to share.

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Speaker 1: Leave us a message on our hotline number at three

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Speaker 1: four seven eight six trust.

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Speaker 2: That's three four seven eight six eight seven eight seven eight,

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Speaker 2: or showed.

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Speaker 1: Us an email at trust Me pod at gmail dot com.

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Speaker 3: Trust me, Trust trust Me.

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Speaker 1: I'm like a swat person.

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Speaker 3: I've never lived.

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Speaker 4: To you, I never have a live.

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Speaker 2: If you think that one person has all the answers, don't.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to trust Me.

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Speaker 2: The podcast about colds, extreme belief and manipulation from two

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Speaker 2: sexperts who've actually experienced it. I'm Alula Blong and I'm

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Speaker 2: Megan Elizabeth and today our guest is Jiminica Eborne, sex educator,

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Speaker 2: drama counselor, podcast host and founder of the nonprofit Tending

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Speaker 2: the Garden. She's going to talk to us about the

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Speaker 2: traumas she's experienced in her own life and how they

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Speaker 2: led her to center her work around helping people through

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Speaker 2: their own trauma and hardship, how she conceives of healing

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Speaker 2: and how it isn't linear. And then because as many

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Speaker 2: of our listeners are survivors of assault themselves. We will

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Speaker 2: talk about sex after trauma.

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Speaker 1: She'll guide us through ways to reclaim your sexuality after

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Speaker 1: you've experienced sexual trauma, starting with going on a date

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Speaker 1: with yourself and learning what you like, the importance of

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Speaker 1: communication with your partner or partners about what you want

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Speaker 1: and don't want. Why we should take the pressure to

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Speaker 1: orgasm off of ourselves, and how to get out of

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Speaker 1: your head and enter your body.

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Speaker 2: To state the obvious, We'll be talking about sexual assault

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Speaker 2: and sexuality today, so feel free to skip if it

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Speaker 2: ain't your thing. Also, quick note, this is just a

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Speaker 2: conversation about different tips and ideas of things you can do,

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Speaker 2: but this episode should not be taken as mental health advice.

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Speaker 2: When in doubt, always seek guidance of a mental health professional.

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Speaker 3: Agreed, All right, Megan, what's your cultiest thing?

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Speaker 1: Ooh, okay, I think I have a pretty good one

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Speaker 1: this week. I don't know. I haven't told that. I

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Speaker 1: might be hyping it up too much.

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Speaker 3: But don't don't hype it, okay, just listen.

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Speaker 1: Okay. So we talk a lot about how when somebody

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Speaker 1: goes through a traumatic experience, sometimes the brain will shut down,

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Speaker 1: Like sometimes you can't remember certain things. You know, if

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Speaker 1: there's a crime, everybody has a different memory of it.

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Speaker 1: Taylor Swift concert goers okay are claiming to have amnesia.

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Speaker 1: Stop missing parts of the concert. I have a quote

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Speaker 1: here from psychology professor doctor Ewan McKay. He said, the

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Speaker 1: people at these concerts are at such a heightened state

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Speaker 1: because they've been so excited, they've been so looking forward

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Speaker 1: to it, that they are literally in a different state

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Speaker 1: of reality. Here's this quote. As well as being exhausting

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Speaker 1: for the brain, it's going to mean all the things

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Speaker 1: you experience will have a high emotional quality, which means

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Speaker 1: nothing stands out in quotations, and that's important if you

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Speaker 1: want to retrieve a memory later.

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Speaker 4: Wow.

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Speaker 3: I feel like I thought it was the opposite.

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Speaker 2: I mean, obviously trauma's very specific, but like the more

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Speaker 2: emotionally charged an event is the But if a keeenly

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Speaker 2: you remember it, but.

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Speaker 1: If it's just an of emotional charge that your brain

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Speaker 1: can't process it.

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Speaker 3: I so that is wow.

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Speaker 2: So Taylor Swift is their religion, yes, and her concerts

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Speaker 2: are their peak experiences.

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Speaker 4: Yes.

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Speaker 1: Wow.

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Speaker 3: Yeah it was good, wasn't it?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: It was really good. Yeah, I know.

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Speaker 2: I wish I felt that way about anything anything.

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Speaker 1: I cannot even believe. I cannot believe that people love

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Speaker 1: a person that much.

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Speaker 2: I like her songs, but I'm fine. I a member

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Speaker 2: of the t Swift religion.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm not going to leave reality. I don't

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Speaker 1: even remember what song she performed. One girl was quoted

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Speaker 1: as saying, if I didn't have a video of it,

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Speaker 1: I would have sworn in my life she didn't perform

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Speaker 1: that song.

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Speaker 3: But how much of that do.

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Speaker 2: We think is suggestibility of like one person saying that

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Speaker 2: and then everyone else.

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Speaker 3: Is like zero person. I don't know, very confident with

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Speaker 3: that number.

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Speaker 1: I have no idea. You're completely correct me.

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Speaker 3: Like, how of those ticks spread on talking? Not again?

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Speaker 1: Yes, sure that would be cool.

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Speaker 3: Yes it is.

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Speaker 1: If like one person is like I can't remember anything,

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Speaker 1: and then so I'm like me, neither was I even there?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? Both versions of it are super interesting. Is she

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Speaker 3: even real? She's not? She's an AI.

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Speaker 1: Maybe she's been replaced, Avril Lavine.

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Speaker 3: I know what about you?

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Speaker 2: I just I'm just gonna talk about Elizabeth Holmes arriving

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Speaker 2: at the Texas prison to begin her eleven year sentence.

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Speaker 1: Damn, she's really doing it.

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Speaker 3: She's really doing it.

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Speaker 1: I do not think she thought she was going to

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Speaker 1: go to jail for real.

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Speaker 3: I don't think I know what I think she thought.

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Speaker 1: But who else would have two kids before you go

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Speaker 1: to jail? She like, during the trial, she just had

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Speaker 1: two children?

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Speaker 3: Are you serious?

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Speaker 1: She has two tiny babies.

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Speaker 2: So she's thirty nine, So she'll get out when she's

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Speaker 2: fifty one. Wow, I mean maybe earlier, but for sure earlier.

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Speaker 3: Fascinating.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so this is the part where we all do

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Speaker 2: Elizabethlmes impressions, including Steve our producer.

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Speaker 1: Can you guys just do it? I feel Megan yours

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Speaker 1: was good, I know, but I felt like it was

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Speaker 1: off the cuff and I was I just like.

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Speaker 2: My name is Elizabeth Holmes, and this is the way

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Speaker 2: that I talk about their nose.

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Speaker 4: I guess I'm in jail now.

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Speaker 2: Because I'm going to prison for eleven years and it's

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Speaker 2: because I made a company that was fake.

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Speaker 3: Steve, Now it's your turn. I'm Elizabeth, I'm glad Elizabeth

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Speaker 3: and Elizabeth's podcast.

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Speaker 1: You guys like what she's saying in jail, you know, like, okay,

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Speaker 1: let me try again. Is this myself.

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Speaker 3: That's good.

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Speaker 2: Do you think she's trying to sell other inmates on

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Speaker 2: the voice.

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Speaker 3: Well, no, she stopped doing the voice, didn't she.

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Speaker 1: I don't think so.

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Speaker 3: Oh why did I feel like I read that this

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Speaker 3: is her real voice?

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Speaker 1: Well?

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Speaker 3: Sorry, it's totally her real voice.

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Speaker 2: I do not mean to voice shame. Absolutely not questioning

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Speaker 2: that voice at all.

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Speaker 1: No, but yeah, I think she's gonna stick it through

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Speaker 1: for prison. I think it would probably work as far

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Speaker 1: as keeping people away from it.

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Speaker 2: Probably should because it would pre dominance and then people

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Speaker 2: would not try to Actually, I don't know if that's

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Speaker 2: men's prison.

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Speaker 3: I don't know how women's prison works. But all I

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Speaker 3: know is Orange New Black.

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Speaker 1: I was gonna say she wouldn't be popular if she

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Speaker 1: talked like that. She's not the same one as Jen

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Speaker 1: Shaw the Real Housewives of you know what you don't.

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Speaker 3: I don't know that I do.

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Speaker 1: Anything.

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Speaker 3: I've listen.

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Speaker 2: I've been watching The Kardashians though. That's the show that

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Speaker 2: I have been watching. I find it very soothing. I

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Speaker 2: know that that's controversial. I find it very soothing.

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Speaker 1: I'm disturbed, but.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, what, like my brain is like, oh, rich people,

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Speaker 2: nice things, Okay, pretty girls. It's so esthetically pleasing you.

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Speaker 2: I'm like, all the girls together in the house.

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Speaker 4: I get it. That's what I like.

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Speaker 1: It's kind of sicon.

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Speaker 2: It's like Gilmour Girls in that way where I'm like, oh, well,

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Speaker 2: just use as family.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, alright, alright, I get.

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Speaker 2: It, And I'm gonna get some DMS about that one.

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Speaker 3: So let's move on to our interview with Jiminica.

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Speaker 1: Let's do it. No one has hair like yours, so

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Speaker 1: why would you settle for mass produced, one size fits

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Speaker 1: all hair care? I know personally my hair is very

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Speaker 1: fine and it never has enough volume.

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Speaker 2: PROS makes custom hair care that's effective because the formulas

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Speaker 2: are actually made.

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Speaker 1: To order for your unique needs, using natural, sustainably sourced

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Speaker 1: ingredients with even results. PROS customizes every product and your routine,

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Speaker 1: from shampoo to supplements.

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Speaker 2: First, pro starts by asking about my hair goals. Their

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Speaker 2: in depth consultation also asks about.

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Speaker 3: You as a person.

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Speaker 1: PROS asks me really unexpected things like how old you are,

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Speaker 1: what does a single strand of hair feel like, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of specific things that really gets into your

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Speaker 1: own hairstyle.

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Speaker 2: Next, Prose analyzes all your answers and handpicks clean, sustainably

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Speaker 2: sourced ingredients to help you reach your hair goals. I

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Speaker 2: personally am using the shampoo and the conditioner and the

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Speaker 2: hair mask, and I am loving all of it.

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Speaker 1: All their ingredients are sustainably sourced, ethically gathered, and cruelty free.

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Speaker 2: They're also the first custom beauty brand to go carbon neutral,

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Speaker 2: which I love.

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Speaker 1: If you're not one hundred percent positive prosess the best

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Speaker 1: hair care you've tried, they will take the products back,

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Speaker 1: no question asked.

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Speaker 2: Custom made to order haircare with Prose is the key

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Speaker 2: to achieving all your hair goals this year.

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Speaker 3: Take your free in.

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Speaker 2: Depth hair consultation and get fifteen percent off your order today.

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Speaker 2: Go to pros dot com slash trust that's prs com

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Speaker 2: slash trust for your free in depth hair consultation and

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Speaker 2: fifteen percent off. Welcome Jiminica Eborn to trust me. Thank

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Speaker 2: you so much for joining us in studio.

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Speaker 4: So glad to be here. It's chaotic, we'll get into

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Speaker 4: the case.

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Speaker 3: So glad to have you.

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Speaker 2: I've been following you on Instagram for a while. As

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Speaker 2: we talked about this is our first time meeting. You

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Speaker 2: are so many things. You're a sex educator, you're a

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Speaker 2: trauma expert, you are now a trauma counselor for wrestlers.

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Speaker 2: You have a podcast, you've a nonprofit, so many things.

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Speaker 2: Can you just start us off with kind of how

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Speaker 2: you got here, what your first experience with trauma was.

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Speaker 2: You know, however much detail you feel comfortable with.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I always think I sound so much cooler in

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Speaker 4: paper than like regular life. But I always like to

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Speaker 4: preface this with that. I'm going to say a hard thing.

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Speaker 4: When I was one, my mother was murdered in front

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Speaker 4: of me by my possible sperm donor. Oh, he still

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Speaker 4: has not been prosecuted for her murder. He's been in

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Speaker 4: prison my whole life because he is a murderer and

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Speaker 4: that's what they do, they murder. So he murdered other people.

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Speaker 4: So he's been on death throwne in Vegas. Wow. Last

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Speaker 4: year they moved him to Riverside, where my family's from,

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Speaker 4: but didn't tell us until like, right it was almost

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Speaker 4: like two years almost right before it was like that

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Speaker 4: one year mark, because they're like, oh, we're going to

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Speaker 4: bring him here to like prosecute him. Still has not

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Speaker 4: been prosecuted, still in jail, so every few months I

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Speaker 4: have like this anxiety in my body that's like I

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Speaker 4: forget the date, but again the body knows, and it's

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Speaker 4: like why am I stressed? And I look and I'm like, shit,

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Speaker 4: it hasn't happened yet. So it's just being pushed. Everything

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Speaker 4: has been pushed back because of COVID, and it's just

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Speaker 4: continuously pushed back. And I'm like the only one in

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Speaker 4: my family because I was raised by her parents, the

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Speaker 4: only one in my family that's like doing the check,

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Speaker 4: like I took that on. I am the person Everyone

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Speaker 4: has their people that like we have our roles in

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Speaker 4: the families, and I'm the one that got therapized, so

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Speaker 4: everyone thinks I have it together, which is so cute,

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Speaker 4: but like I am that person that's like, Okay, I

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Speaker 4: want this to be carried through. But also in a

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Speaker 4: lot of the news stories, it's the other murders. And

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Speaker 4: I need my mother's name to be again, yes, my

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Speaker 4: entire life. I will be thirty six next week, thirty

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Speaker 4: five years, like I only had like a year with her,

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Speaker 4: which I don't remember, and so for her, like this

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Speaker 4: has to be done. Yeah, I feel like that was

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Speaker 4: like part of my journey of like no, I got

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Speaker 4: your back, girl, We're gonna get this handled. So I

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Speaker 4: was raised by her parents and they always shared information

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Speaker 4: with me very age appropriately and eventually, fast forward, fast forward,

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Speaker 4: I went to school for criminal justice because I'm in

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Speaker 4: a law and order SVU girl say, and I was like, yes, right,

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Speaker 4: it's amazing, I was in it. I was like, yes,

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Speaker 4: I'm in. But then the burnout rate like in real life,

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Speaker 4: it's so much like it's so fast, and I was like,

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Speaker 4: I don't want that. So then I found alcohol and

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Speaker 4: Dick that duo that a really just well loop, it's awful.

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Speaker 4: So I partied a lot, and then at twenty one,

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Speaker 4: say another hard thing. I was raped, as unfortunately many

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Speaker 4: of us have been, right. I woke up and the

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Speaker 4: person I had been with beforehand one once this person

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Speaker 4: anymore was standing in my room over me, naked with

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Speaker 4: a condom on. And so now I'm like, oh, I

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Speaker 4: fond I was in the motion people like why didn't

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Speaker 4: you fight? I knew this person had an obsession with weapons,

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Speaker 4: he wanted to be an LAPD officer, and I said

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Speaker 4: another convos Gary read right flax five flux. And I

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Speaker 4: also didn't think anyone would believe me. And so I spiraled.

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Speaker 4: That was twenty one. I didn't tell anyone till I

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Speaker 4: was twenty eight. And then it also like, what are

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Speaker 4: the resources at that time? Like this is the early

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Speaker 4: two thousands, right, the resources for what like they didn't exist,

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Speaker 4: and predominantly, which we also have always seen, is we

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Speaker 4: come forward, then what happens.

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Speaker 1: Nothing and you don't believe you're yeah.

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Speaker 4: And you're trying to believe you yeah, yeah, yeah. So

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Speaker 4: I didn't say anything. I got into this work and

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Speaker 4: I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna have some

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Speaker 4: articles coming out. Maybe I should tell people because I

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Speaker 4: started writing about it first, like for my healing process,

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Speaker 4: and we'll talk about how I feel about healing. I

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Speaker 4: went spiritual first, and everyone's like, go to therapy, and

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Speaker 4: I'm like, maybe, Like I don't think therapy is the

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Speaker 4: way to go for everyone. I had to get into

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Speaker 4: my body. I felt so disconnected from it. I needed

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Speaker 4: to be back in it. Like I literally was just

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Speaker 4: walking around looking at myself, look at like, woo, girl,

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Speaker 4: look at you fucking up anyway?

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Speaker 5: Woo?

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Speaker 4: Like I needed to be back in and for me,

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Speaker 4: that was the path. I eventually got kicked out of

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Speaker 4: school because you're supposed to go to class. Very annoying.

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Speaker 4: But I also had been trying to get kicked out

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Speaker 4: and I kept going to my counsel and I was like,

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Speaker 4: I can't do this. She's like, it's fine, let's put

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Speaker 4: your another class. And I was like, no, do you

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Speaker 4: not see these grades? I'm literally coming to you like

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Speaker 4: how do I get out of here? And eventually I

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Speaker 4: got kicked out. It was the best thing ever. I

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Speaker 4: became a rape crisis counselor, so I was at first

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Speaker 4: person in the hospital after you're assaulted. It was all

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Speaker 4: volunteer work, and so I would get random calls in

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Speaker 4: the middle night drive to the hospital. I was a

305
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Speaker 4: stranger bitch like holding your hand is like your recam't

306
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Speaker 4: your story, and getting a sart kit and it was

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Speaker 4: the most humbling thing I'd ever done. Right, Like, I

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Speaker 4: had worked with the elderly, i had worked with babies,

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Speaker 4: I've worked with the ages and all the things, and

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Speaker 4: I was just like, oh wow, like this is amazing.

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Speaker 4: So then I went back to school for psychology, changed

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Speaker 4: my whole journey and everyone was like duh, And I

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Speaker 4: was like, why did anyone say that? Could have saved

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Speaker 4: some time? And money guys, and I went back to

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Speaker 4: school with Jesus Cbu and then I just kept working

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Speaker 4: through different mental health facilities. I was a two year girl.

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Speaker 4: I was like, I want to learn here, I want

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Speaker 4: to learn here, I want to learn here. So I

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Speaker 4: did juvenile sex offenders, teenagers, teenagers with addiction, teenager with

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Speaker 4: mental health, eating disorders, high end in the Beverly Hills,

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Speaker 4: and the malibus to like the lower end with not

322
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Speaker 4: as much money and resources, And what kept coming up

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Speaker 4: was trauma, and I was like sexual assault. Most of

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Speaker 4: the people with the eating disorders had been sexually assaulted

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Speaker 4: or raped, and it was either they were overeating to

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Speaker 4: feel like if I'm bigger, you won't desire me, you

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Speaker 4: won't want to harm me, or thinner. That's the control

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Speaker 4: they had. I can control what happens here. So I

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Speaker 4: did all these things and then that good girl friend

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Speaker 4: of ours burned out came and I was like, oh God,

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Speaker 4: I can't keep doing this. So I worked with babies

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Speaker 4: because happy blowing their face. I did babies and weddings,

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Speaker 4: happy days, and then I was like, Okay, I want

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Speaker 4: a job that's ever evolving, never boring, And it was

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00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,040
Speaker 4: like sex and so I called my grandmother, my mom,

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Speaker 4: and I was like, this is what I.

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Speaker 3: Want to do.

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Speaker 4: And she was like, oh gosh, does.

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Speaker 3: This mean you're gonna be selling your bussy?

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Speaker 1: And I was like what, Grandma.

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Speaker 4: I was like, girl, I don't know. Maybe I'll get

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Speaker 4: back to you. And I did it. Fun fact, I

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Speaker 4: did not sell it, but we all seld a little bit.

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Speaker 4: But I got into sex said and I went to

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Speaker 4: all these different things, and I was like, everyone's talking

346
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,520
Speaker 4: about lubes and condoms and toys and parties, but what

347
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,640
Speaker 4: about most of us that have trauma that can't get there?

348
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Speaker 4: Who's talking about that. I'm not the first person to

349
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Speaker 4: talk about trauma, Unfortunately I won't be the last. But

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Speaker 4: I think I bring the ideas of let's talk to

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Speaker 4: each other and not talk at them, right, And so

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00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,240
Speaker 4: for me that's been really important as like students in school,

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Speaker 4: they're always talking at us like you should do this,

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Speaker 4: learn this, Like how do you feel like what do

355
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Speaker 4: you need right? What are the things.

356
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Speaker 1: So do you How do you feel like working with

357
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Speaker 1: juvenile sex offenders helped you? Do you feel like it

358
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Speaker 1: bridged a gap for you?

359
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,360
Speaker 4: Or what was that? Like, that's a great question when

360
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Speaker 4: I ask me, I think it was very eye opening.

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Speaker 4: I think as growing up, were always shown that people

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Speaker 4: that cause harm or the rapists or like these old

363
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Speaker 4: creepy men. So we're looking like, is there a van,

364
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,760
Speaker 4: is there an old creepy guy? Are they gonna grab me?

365
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,960
Speaker 4: But really it's the next door neighbors sometimes, or it's

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Speaker 4: your sibling's friend or something like. It's normally closer than

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Speaker 4: we think. And so that was really eye opening. And

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Speaker 4: then the idea of like, well, clearly they've all been harmed,

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Speaker 4: so they're continuing the cycle, which was also not true.

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Speaker 4: It was like a fifty to fifty split. So that

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Speaker 4: was also very educational, which also I wanted to learn

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Speaker 4: more about sex ed to see what was missing because

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Speaker 4: a lot of these kids were like nerds. I love

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Speaker 4: a good nerd. But it was the idea of the

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Speaker 4: way that they had been socialized. They were like, well,

376
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Speaker 4: if no one wants to talk to me because we're

377
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:03,400
Speaker 4: awkward as kids, I'm going to now try this thing

378
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:07,480
Speaker 4: that I've seen on someone that's more vulnerable, a blind aunt,

379
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Speaker 4: a blind cut. I've read all the files babies, elderly,

380
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Speaker 4: younger men, women, and you kind of see it all.

381
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Speaker 4: And I think it was very eye opening, like I've said,

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Speaker 4: in the sense of it could be anybody, right like,

383
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Speaker 4: and I think that opened my mind up to bigger

384
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Speaker 4: conversations of why are we constantly teaching all of us

385
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Speaker 4: how to.

386
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Speaker 3: Not get raped totally?

387
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,800
Speaker 4: What are we doing for the people that are causing

388
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,800
Speaker 4: the heart I'm minding my business? What about like how

389
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,200
Speaker 4: do you keep your fucking hands to yourself?

390
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:32,480
Speaker 1: Right?

391
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:35,000
Speaker 4: Oh my god, keep your genitals to your body and

392
00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:38,600
Speaker 4: not mine? Like why aren't those the conversations? And I

393
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,720
Speaker 4: see how early we needed to have them, And so

394
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,360
Speaker 4: for me, I was like, oh, I want to work

395
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,440
Speaker 4: with teens. And then I was like, I'm good on teens.

396
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,000
Speaker 4: Take me to college freshman, same thing. It is so

397
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:51,520
Speaker 4: early in the conversations of well, we shouldn't have sex

398
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,560
Speaker 4: at until like they're sixteen. I'm like, oh, bir you

399
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,160
Speaker 4: didn't miss the mark. They hadn't already been formunicating, right,

400
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:01,560
Speaker 4: I remember being as early as elementary their touch and penises,

401
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,879
Speaker 4: little coves and licking things. Yes, right, yeah, we've missed

402
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,200
Speaker 4: the mark. And so for me, working in that job

403
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:12,280
Speaker 4: was like that reminder of like, no rapist sexual assault

404
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,159
Speaker 4: victims and those that perpetrate don't look one way like

405
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,800
Speaker 4: they look the gamut of age and race, Like the

406
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,320
Speaker 4: youngest person I worked with was eleven and the oldest

407
00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:25,119
Speaker 4: was eighteen, because then they age out the system.

408
00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, it could be a whole other conversation

409
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,200
Speaker 2: about just like what we are teaching people and especially

410
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:34,800
Speaker 2: boys culturally and societally, and also the fact that books

411
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,479
Speaker 2: are being banned that would educate children on these things,

412
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,920
Speaker 2: which is just fucking insane.

413
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,680
Speaker 3: But I want to come back to sexual assault. Everyone's

414
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:45,560
Speaker 3: a suporite topic.

415
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Speaker 2: After you experienced your assault, what was your initial response afterward?

416
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:56,280
Speaker 2: Like were you just avoiding it? Were you shutting down?

417
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:57,560
Speaker 2: Like what happened for you?

418
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,000
Speaker 4: Well, first, I always want to note that I've been

419
00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,239
Speaker 4: raped once, but I've been sexually assaults more time than

420
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,240
Speaker 4: I can account for, which I feel like when I

421
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,560
Speaker 4: say that, people go yep, yeah, like into too many

422
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,760
Speaker 4: agreements in a room for me, and it's frustrating. Where

423
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:15,640
Speaker 4: was I after? I think I was already spiraling, honestly

424
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,280
Speaker 4: in that space because it was the first time. I

425
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,480
Speaker 4: had also experienced bullying in undergrad which is very interesting

426
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,120
Speaker 4: from my own friend group and so that was interesting

427
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:30,000
Speaker 4: and then feeling very vulnerable. But still I think I

428
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,960
Speaker 4: had been in like this friend group where we just

429
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:36,040
Speaker 4: masked anyway, like shitty and not shitty, and I'm still

430
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,399
Speaker 4: shitty they called just like the black me and girls

431
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,240
Speaker 4: like seep shitty, but also like huh in the ideas

432
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,600
Speaker 4: of like me not even noticing, and I still don't

433
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,359
Speaker 4: notice as much as like people will be like, oh

434
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,159
Speaker 4: my god, having a conversation with you, and I'm like,

435
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,200
Speaker 4: you liked it, okay, whatever, But the idea of people

436
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,760
Speaker 4: will be like we want to hang out with you,

437
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,479
Speaker 4: like let's do these things. So it's this idea of

438
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,879
Speaker 4: maintaining a visual status of like we don't stand in line,

439
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:02,200
Speaker 4: you keep your shoes on, you drink through that paint.

440
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:06,320
Speaker 4: Like that made me. I think another reason I didn't share.

441
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,800
Speaker 4: So I just continue to mask and maintain right until

442
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,520
Speaker 4: I couldn't anymore. And so I can tell you how

443
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:14,800
Speaker 4: it started to show up. Oh, I got violent, like

444
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,800
Speaker 4: I would be at parties and get drunk because I'm

445
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,600
Speaker 4: an easy drinker, so I don't drink as much. Like

446
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,000
Speaker 4: I'm a maintenance and a little cannabis girl, a lot

447
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,320
Speaker 4: of cannabis let's be honest. But like I would start

448
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,919
Speaker 4: to fight guys at parties that were similar or in

449
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:28,720
Speaker 4: the same fraternity.

450
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:29,000
Speaker 3: Wow.

451
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,600
Speaker 4: Interesting, right, So I would black out and wake up.

452
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,120
Speaker 4: And this is no gloating. It's just like I think

453
00:19:34,119 --> 00:19:35,920
Speaker 4: it's a truth that people don't talk about. It is

454
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,639
Speaker 4: like the ways that the traumas can show up. And

455
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:43,520
Speaker 4: mine was my fight, like I froze, I fonnd and

456
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,240
Speaker 4: now I'm ready to fight. But it wasn't in my

457
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,800
Speaker 4: control right because it was whatever I was drinking. Like

458
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,480
Speaker 4: I would wake up to like me and my hand

459
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:55,480
Speaker 4: on someone's throat. Wow, And I was like, oh no,

460
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,520
Speaker 4: like it was. It was bad.

461
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,120
Speaker 1: If you're traveling abroad this summer, you might be thinking

462
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463
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464
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,879
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465
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466
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467
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468
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469
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470
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Speaker 2: this language.

471
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472
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473
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474
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475
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Speaker 1: conversations about travel, relationships, business and more.

476
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Speaker 2: Babbel lessons were created by over one hundred and fifty

477
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478
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Speaker 2: Babbel's speech recognition technology helps you to improve your pronunciation

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480
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481
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486
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Speaker 1: unpacking something so deep for me right now that I've

487
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:24,520
Speaker 1: never realized before. I was assaulted by a frat guy

488
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:29,080
Speaker 1: and his girlfriend blamed me, and I started fighting all

489
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,600
Speaker 1: of the girls in her sorority.

490
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,720
Speaker 3: Wow. Really yes, Yeah, I didn't know any of these

491
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:36,320
Speaker 3: things about you.

492
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, like for real fist fighting. Yea, I have scars

493
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:43,760
Speaker 1: all over my own arms ship from just like blacking

494
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:47,040
Speaker 1: out and going completely psycho on people. I've never put

495
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,439
Speaker 1: that together. When you say you started getting bullied around

496
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:53,280
Speaker 1: this time, do you mean because you told people about it?

497
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,399
Speaker 4: Just because I didn't tell anyone for seven years. I

498
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:59,280
Speaker 4: was just bullied in the friend group like I have.

499
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,600
Speaker 4: I will say, I've always been like this person that

500
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,280
Speaker 4: would be like I don't want to do that, m

501
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,960
Speaker 4: oh or I would use my mom as an excuse.

502
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,680
Speaker 4: I'm like Cheryl said, no, I'm be like what I'm

503
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,440
Speaker 4: like right, Like I always had my out like I'm

504
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,280
Speaker 4: not doing a thing, and it was similar. But I

505
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:17,240
Speaker 4: find that, like when you go into college, sometimes it's

506
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,680
Speaker 4: such a learning ground that you're like, Okay, well, I

507
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,440
Speaker 4: guess these are why people now, like I'm gonna stay

508
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,800
Speaker 4: with them because I at least know this trauma, Like

509
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,040
Speaker 4: I know this space, Like I know how this bitch

510
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,119
Speaker 4: gonna act. She's gonna do this thing right. And then

511
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,720
Speaker 4: it came with this status, which for me, I grew

512
00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:33,639
Speaker 4: up in a predominantly white area, so then there's also

513
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,480
Speaker 4: I'm going to the school that's predominantly black and Hispanic.

514
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,080
Speaker 4: So now people are like, oh, my god, you're so amazing.

515
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,960
Speaker 4: You're beautiful, because everything that I looked like before to

516
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:45,159
Speaker 4: the white gaze wasn't in. But then they'd be like,

517
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,760
Speaker 4: oh my god, you're so fun. Like the white girls

518
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,399
Speaker 4: would say we uninvited. All these people say we can

519
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,840
Speaker 4: invite you to this party, and I'm like, are you's

520
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,119
Speaker 4: fucking dumb? Like I can literally hear you say I

521
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,159
Speaker 4: was never invited. Then you made space for it, and

522
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,600
Speaker 4: now you're like, oh my god, shouldn't you be excited.

523
00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,480
Speaker 4: I'm like, oh, right, wrong, one right, No, I actually

524
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 4: I have no desire. My mom said I can't come, so.

525
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:06,800
Speaker 1: I still didn't I use that yet.

526
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:08,680
Speaker 3: I'll tell her.

527
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:13,560
Speaker 4: But like, I felt so many things in that space,

528
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,680
Speaker 4: and it was like I felt like I went into

529
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 4: undergrad with all this confidence and I was like, this

530
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,600
Speaker 4: is when I learned the power of my pussy. I

531
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,440
Speaker 4: always say that I'm like eighteen. I had my first love,

532
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,840
Speaker 4: my first kiss, first person I had sex with, Like

533
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,600
Speaker 4: it was great. And then I got to this school

534
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,120
Speaker 4: and I was like, oh my god, is this desire?

535
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:31,240
Speaker 4: And then I was like, oh no, these are predators.

536
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:35,080
Speaker 4: This is shitty, right, But it's all wrapped up in

537
00:23:35,119 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 4: these conversations of like, aren't you excited you have all

538
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:42,000
Speaker 4: this freedom, but also freedom comes with pressure, trying to

539
00:23:42,119 --> 00:23:45,760
Speaker 4: navigate the what if being an adult technically like being

540
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,080
Speaker 4: on your own building new friendships if you didn't bring

541
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,960
Speaker 4: people with you, Like it's so much, And I was

542
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,719
Speaker 4: just trying to fit in a place that I was like,

543
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,440
Speaker 4: I actually don't love wearing all this stuff like I'm.

544
00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 2: I'm yeah, I was actually assaulted when I was nineteen

545
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,760
Speaker 2: and I wasn't in college because I thought it was

546
00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:05,159
Speaker 2: gonna be a.

547
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 1: Pop star, but I was.

548
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,280
Speaker 2: But I was navigating a similar thing where I'm like

549
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:16,600
Speaker 2: in this community of like music, cool music people, and

550
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,120
Speaker 2: I'm trying to be cool and I'm trying to figure

551
00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 2: out where I belong. And the person who did it

552
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,920
Speaker 2: was pretty high status for me, so like talking about

553
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:25,280
Speaker 2: that to people, especially because the first person I told

554
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,639
Speaker 2: who was a man who was passed out and present,

555
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:30,439
Speaker 2: like told me I was making it up basically, So

556
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,479
Speaker 2: you know, you're trying to fit in, You're trying to

557
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,919
Speaker 2: like be a part of a community, and like it

558
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 2: just doesn't seem like it's just too difficult to navigate

559
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 2: all of those things at the same time, sometimes when

560
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:42,280
Speaker 2: you're that age and trying to figure out who you are,

561
00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:46,160
Speaker 2: like that would have disrupted my status and my identity

562
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:50,080
Speaker 2: and whatever, you know. So and that sadly seems to

563
00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 2: be I mean, and you know more about this than me, probably,

564
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 2: but so many of these sexual assaults that happened to

565
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,440
Speaker 2: women do happen around that age.

566
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,160
Speaker 4: It seems like, yeah, yeah, I think I think it's

567
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,680
Speaker 4: such a vulnerable time, right, Like, can we be assaulted

568
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,879
Speaker 4: at any age? Unfortunately? Yes? Right? Are there times when

569
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,520
Speaker 4: we're more vulnerable when we're young, when we start college

570
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:13,320
Speaker 4: or something of that, when we move to new areas

571
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,560
Speaker 4: when we're older where you're like, so anytime.

572
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:19,800
Speaker 1: Actually yes, it's like joining a cult when you're vulnerable.

573
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:24,880
Speaker 4: Absolutely, these people watch, these people know, right, and people like, well,

574
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 4: I didn't know. I didn't mean to No, you did,

575
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 4: like you did mean to do this thing, Like we're

576
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,480
Speaker 4: going to hold you accountable for the thing that you

577
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,919
Speaker 4: chose to do. I didn't choose this, So, regardless of

578
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,560
Speaker 4: whatever your argument is, I didn't choose for your hands,

579
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,480
Speaker 4: your toys, your items, your genitals to touch my body

580
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:48,399
Speaker 4: into my body, So regardless of what you meant, you

581
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 4: did it and I didn't say yeah, So we're gonna

582
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:52,880
Speaker 4: call it what it is, right, And then I think

583
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,679
Speaker 4: about the ideas of what rapist and if we're also

584
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 4: talking about the way that a lot of us have

585
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,679
Speaker 4: been coursed into it. Oh yeah, that's why I was like,

586
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,960
Speaker 4: I've been raped the whole journey.

587
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: What's the the So you've been raped once, you said,

588
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 1: and assaulted several times, what's what's the existence?

589
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 2: Right?

590
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 4: I think, because I will take into account I didn't.

591
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,040
Speaker 4: I had no chance of saying yes to this, So

592
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,439
Speaker 4: I'm like this for sure. Fun fact, he actually texted me.

593
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 4: He sent me a Venmo request. My rapist sent me

594
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 4: a Venmo request. Is about to fuck you up. This

595
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,760
Speaker 4: is about I was moving in with my best friend.

596
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,919
Speaker 4: So it was a few years ago and I was

597
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,679
Speaker 4: leaving a weird, shitty apartment in Echo Park and I

598
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:37,159
Speaker 4: was moving to the valley. It's hot, and I was

599
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 4: like okay, I was moving in and out. She's like,

600
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,120
Speaker 4: I go run. So I get in my car. There's

601
00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,119
Speaker 4: these these trauma moments that like you don't forget. And

602
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 4: I'm getting in my car, my phone's going off. I'm

603
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,000
Speaker 4: like ooh, and I remember it was my manager at

604
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 4: the time, my mom in a Venmo request. I was like, oh,

605
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,879
Speaker 4: sending me money Venmo of course first like, oh, get

606
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 4: to them, and it was a twenty five cent request

607
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,840
Speaker 4: from him with the year he raped me. And I

608
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,679
Speaker 4: said again, this was that was thirty thirty two, so

609
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 4: it was like four years ago. And I was like,

610
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 4: I like froze, like I was like, breathe, okay, and

611
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 4: I said, you have thirty minutes. Like I've been working

612
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,120
Speaker 4: on myself long enough. I was like, I got thirty

613
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,160
Speaker 4: minutes and to get from the valley from where I

614
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:16,200
Speaker 4: was to get back to Echo Park at thirty minutes.

615
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:18,360
Speaker 4: And I was like, okay, I know that I need

616
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:21,320
Speaker 4: to utilize my five senses because we're learning y'all we

617
00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:23,199
Speaker 4: can be grounded by any of our five senses, and

618
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 4: we can also be triggered by any of our five census,

619
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,720
Speaker 4: which is like yay, and also what right, But it's

620
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:31,040
Speaker 4: helpful because you can use one to counteract the other

621
00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 4: for some people. And so I was like, okay, I'm

622
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,280
Speaker 4: gonna go to the park because there's so many things

623
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:36,719
Speaker 4: I can do there. So I was like, okay, I'm

624
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 4: gonna go to the park. I'm gonna take my shoes

625
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:40,200
Speaker 4: off and we'll walk in the grass, like I'm literally

626
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,159
Speaker 4: trying to ground myself. And I was like, this isn't working.

627
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 4: I'm gonna go look at some ducks and some babies

628
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,920
Speaker 4: and like feel that not working. I'm gonna get a

629
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,000
Speaker 4: hot dog from the street vendor. Because we're trying everything.

630
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 4: I was like, smell some perfumes and do these things.

631
00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,480
Speaker 4: I was like, this isn't working. I didn't live far.

632
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 4: I got home for me. I've curated a really good

633
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:02,280
Speaker 4: support system. I think that's really important for us. It

634
00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 4: also you can curate that shit and you add people,

635
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,919
Speaker 4: you release people like this is for you. And another

636
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 4: educational thing. Let's take some more stuff here the ways

637
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:12,720
Speaker 4: that we can teach people how to show up for us.

638
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,480
Speaker 4: And so if you have specific people in your life

639
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,200
Speaker 4: that are really good at this thing, like you might

640
00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 4: be like girl, I can curate a playlist for you

641
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,359
Speaker 4: that's going to help you. And here might be my

642
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 4: music person, you might be my food person. And so

643
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 4: you create like a safe word. BDSM teaches a lot

644
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,760
Speaker 4: little safe word like maybe your word is blue. If

645
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 4: I'm in it, and all I can do is text

646
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,600
Speaker 4: you blue, you can call me. Maybe we've already talked

647
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,480
Speaker 4: about it, and so it's like I call you or

648
00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 4: I text you blue, you call me, You're like, hey,

649
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,160
Speaker 4: is it time and whatever? You just start playing that

650
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 4: song for me, or you send me my playlist love

651
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:47,000
Speaker 4: for you. I'm like, help you know. This is also

652
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 4: something I've actually done with my girlfriend. I created a

653
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 4: spreadsheet with the restaurants I like near me with foods

654
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:54,080
Speaker 4: I like, and I'm like, can you help me? She's

655
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 4: like foods on the way, like or if all this

656
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 4: text her, can you send me food like I can't,

657
00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,479
Speaker 4: like I feel overwhelmed or food like what we've figured

658
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:03,280
Speaker 4: it out, She'll send me some foods on the way.

659
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,760
Speaker 4: I made it fast, right, like we are allowed to

660
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:09,200
Speaker 4: do that for ourselves. So in that moment I went home,

661
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:11,240
Speaker 4: I had my people. I text them, I'm like, this

662
00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 4: is what happened. I am safe, I am at home.

663
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 4: Can you check in with me? So I had someone

664
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:16,680
Speaker 4: that was checking in to make sure I ate that weekend.

665
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 4: I had someone checking in to be like, okay, you

666
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:21,680
Speaker 4: got five minutes or I'm coming over. Like, I had

667
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 4: my people, and I think that that was so important

668
00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:26,720
Speaker 4: in that moment, and I was in therapy because I

669
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 4: was in my talk journey, right, and so it was

670
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,520
Speaker 4: very casual therapy, like I didn't really get into it

671
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,200
Speaker 4: until a little bit later, but in that moment, that's

672
00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 4: what I needed, because I curated that who the fuck

673
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:39,640
Speaker 4: would have ever known that my rapist was gonna VENMO

674
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,200
Speaker 4: request me like this?

675
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,560
Speaker 3: Was there ever any further communication?

676
00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,080
Speaker 4: I did see him again, right, And I think this

677
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 4: is also a conversation we don't have that oftentimes we

678
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:50,720
Speaker 4: do see our rapists again.

679
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, Oh yes, I did.

680
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:55,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, either by choice because we're in it and maybe

681
00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,160
Speaker 4: we're just like, I don't know, was it rape right? Like,

682
00:29:58,520 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 4: and I think that's okay, Like the conversations like well,

683
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:03,720
Speaker 4: why did you go back? I think that's so shitty

684
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 4: and harmful. Yeah, because we are complex, we're humans. I

685
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 4: did see him again, and I saw him twice. I

686
00:30:10,400 --> 00:30:12,480
Speaker 4: saw him once and we did have sex again, and

687
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:14,320
Speaker 4: I saw him another time, and I just I think

688
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,600
Speaker 4: I had started to realize and like make connections. Hairless

689
00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 4: cats fucking hate him. He forced me to like hold

690
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:22,800
Speaker 4: them and I'm like, this feels like old balls. I

691
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:26,240
Speaker 4: don't want it, and it's smelly and so now I

692
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,480
Speaker 4: can't like a little bald cat. I'm like, love that

693
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 4: for you keep your bald cat ball sat cat away

694
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,400
Speaker 4: from me, right, but that is a part of now

695
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 4: my trauma. And then he ended up like, well, if

696
00:30:36,880 --> 00:30:38,040
Speaker 4: you're not gonna fuck me, get out.

697
00:30:38,160 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 3: Oh.

698
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,400
Speaker 4: I never saw him again. He sent me a message.

699
00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:46,040
Speaker 4: He sent me a message before, like years before that

700
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:49,360
Speaker 4: tech that Venma request I remember now, and it was like, Hey,

701
00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,680
Speaker 4: I have a job opportunity for you. Call me.

702
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,360
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh my god. Literally Sam, I

703
00:30:54,440 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 3: was like, are.

704
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 4: You fucking with me? My friend was like don't you dare?

705
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 4: I said, girl, what is he gonna offer me? Yeah?

706
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:03,680
Speaker 4: A job for some trauma support. Like I never responded.

707
00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:06,280
Speaker 4: I have never seen him since I have blocked him

708
00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:08,880
Speaker 4: on everything. But I do think and maybe you all

709
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 4: have this is like we want to be able to

710
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:13,720
Speaker 4: show up and support people, and there's this vulnerability of

711
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,840
Speaker 4: having your name everywhere. And I often have this thought

712
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 4: of like, will you pop up right because we are

713
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,320
Speaker 4: places you can see him at a certain college because

714
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,680
Speaker 4: we're promoting it. You can see if I'm at this event,

715
00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:27,080
Speaker 4: like because it's promoted. He never has and I hope

716
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,400
Speaker 4: it never never does, because who knows who I am

717
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 4: in that moment. I don't know, because I still I listen.

718
00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:40,960
Speaker 4: I only wear heavy boots these days, like I don't know. Yeah,

719
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,160
Speaker 4: and that those are also the what ifs that are

720
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 4: scary that I don't think people. I think people don't

721
00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:47,440
Speaker 4: talk about trauma enough and the ways that they talk

722
00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:50,360
Speaker 4: about it, they do it with such child cloves, which

723
00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 4: is kind of fucking annoying to me. And this is

724
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 4: where I'm giving you my speel on healing. Can we

725
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 4: stop putting healing on a fucking pedistal because I think

726
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,680
Speaker 4: it makes it more unobtainable for people instead of being

727
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 4: like it sucks, but healing is whatever it is and

728
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,280
Speaker 4: where you are. So I'm always like, how are you

729
00:32:05,360 --> 00:32:08,240
Speaker 4: navigating your healing? Not like have you healed? No image,

730
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:09,680
Speaker 4: I'm probably never will heal.

731
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,400
Speaker 1: It's a journey and that's all it is.

732
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:13,600
Speaker 4: But also more trauma is going to be added throughout

733
00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,560
Speaker 4: my life because we live in America and it's twenty

734
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,000
Speaker 4: twenty three and it's weird outside.

735
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, And.

736
00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:21,320
Speaker 4: So how are you navigating it? What do you need

737
00:32:21,400 --> 00:32:24,800
Speaker 4: each day? Because again it's complex. We have more Traumas

738
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:27,680
Speaker 4: we turn on Instagram right now, you might accidentally see

739
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:30,520
Speaker 4: someone murdered. Like what yeah, Twitter for sure?

740
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:32,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, like what yeah?

741
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,080
Speaker 4: And so it's an ongoing thing, and so I think

742
00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 4: we need to continuously ongoing unfortunately, figure out how to

743
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:40,840
Speaker 4: I heard someone talk about like the ways that we

744
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 4: navigate being comfortable, Like it's how do we be comfortable

745
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 4: in these bodies and existing to get through every day? Right,

746
00:32:47,080 --> 00:32:50,360
Speaker 4: this is comfort. I'm wearing a stretchy outfit for comfort,

747
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,680
Speaker 4: not wearing bro for comfort to make sure of nipples,

748
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,360
Speaker 4: and you know, like these are comfortable things that allow

749
00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,120
Speaker 4: me to exist. You're wearing a jacket that makes you

750
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 4: feel more comfortable. Right, it might also be like a

751
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:03,120
Speaker 4: safety protecting, Like we figure out what allows us to

752
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 4: just exist.

753
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 2: Learning to experience discomfort and to work through that discomfort

754
00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 2: and not let it define us and like determine the

755
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:21,959
Speaker 2: shape of our lives is something I'm really interested in.

756
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,200
Speaker 3: To come back to something that you've talked a lot about,

757
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 3: which is how.

758
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:30,880
Speaker 2: To reclaim your sexuality after a sexual trauma or any trauma.

759
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,920
Speaker 2: I guess what are some of the ways that people's

760
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,719
Speaker 2: trauma can sort of manifest in their sex life.

761
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it can manifest in the ways that

762
00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 4: we just personally exist, like what's your energy? Like right,

763
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:49,000
Speaker 4: because sex starts in the brain. If you're not mentally present,

764
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 4: why are you there? You're probably not going to be

765
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:55,080
Speaker 4: physically present. And I think having information like when I

766
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:56,680
Speaker 4: teach my I just did one the other day, like

767
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:59,960
Speaker 4: reconnect with your body after trauma, it's a lot of information.

768
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:01,080
Speaker 4: In the beginning, people are like, well, when are we

769
00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 4: gonna talk about sex? And I'm like, for me, it's

770
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,280
Speaker 4: understanding where you might have been, like the ways of

771
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 4: we was out here fighting people, right, Like that is

772
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 4: a connection and understanding which also might show up in

773
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,759
Speaker 4: the bedroom. And so the ways that I like to

774
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 4: navigate it with, like folks I work with or I

775
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 4: talk about it in classes, is giving you information for

776
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,479
Speaker 4: the what if so you can prepare your brain, which

777
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:24,200
Speaker 4: I think will relax it like if these things. Have

778
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,720
Speaker 4: you ever punched someone in the face? Have you cried?

779
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,680
Speaker 4: Have you been put in a position and you thought

780
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:31,319
Speaker 4: you were good and then you weren't, Like those are

781
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 4: the conversations we talk about which will take us to

782
00:34:33,760 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 4: what I think is so cheesy and amazing, which is

783
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,799
Speaker 4: like self dates peopros like are you serious? K of

784
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:43,040
Speaker 4: like dead ass? So serious? Because it allows you the

785
00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,720
Speaker 4: safety check ins with yourself. It allows you to navigate

786
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:48,360
Speaker 4: what touch is, what it feels like, what type of

787
00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:50,520
Speaker 4: pressure you want, and I'll walk you through what it

788
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:53,520
Speaker 4: feels like. But like it allows you to test in

789
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,879
Speaker 4: a way that feels safe. And so when I tell

790
00:34:55,880 --> 00:34:57,799
Speaker 4: people like set up a self date, I will do

791
00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,640
Speaker 4: it just like how I have done it and how

792
00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,400
Speaker 4: I do do. What do I want to do in

793
00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 4: a day? I want to eat something good. I'm a

794
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:06,279
Speaker 4: food person. Feed me well, maybe I'm cooking it and

795
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,520
Speaker 4: putting on music and dance to get my kitchen, which

796
00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:10,319
Speaker 4: allows me to get into my body. Or I go

797
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:11,960
Speaker 4: out and let someone take care of me, or I

798
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,239
Speaker 4: order it in whatever, and then I'm like cool, Now

799
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 4: I want to move my body. Maybe I'm stretching, maybe

800
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:19,920
Speaker 4: I'm dancing whatever feels good for me, and maybe we're

801
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:21,480
Speaker 4: doing this outside. I love to be in my house

802
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:22,759
Speaker 4: because I pay a lot of money to be there.

803
00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 4: I'm utilizing all the time. And then what else allows

804
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,120
Speaker 4: me to get into my body? Hot bath, hot shower?

805
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 4: Like what we're just trying to drop further into our

806
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:36,200
Speaker 4: bodies because it's Mike a little rocky for you self.

807
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 4: Massage is really important for me. I have tendinitis in

808
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 4: both my hands, so I'm constantly like rubbing right, and

809
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 4: then you get to whatever your sexy dat is right,

810
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:48,800
Speaker 4: and sexy can be relative. What I often tell folks

811
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,880
Speaker 4: is to I don't know if y'all have done this,

812
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:53,920
Speaker 4: but look up the Erotic Blueprint test by Jayama.

813
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,279
Speaker 1: Ooh I have not do it.

814
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 4: You love it, and so what I love about it

815
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:01,480
Speaker 4: is gives you kind of an idea of what feels

816
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,520
Speaker 4: good for you and sex before you even do it.

817
00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:05,759
Speaker 4: So it's just like, oh, so I've taken the test

818
00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 4: multiple times and it has not changed. And I said, well,

819
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:09,640
Speaker 4: maybe we should accept who we are. So I am

820
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 4: a kinky sexual, so what does that mean for me?

821
00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:14,439
Speaker 4: I like taboo fun things. I'm like, ooh, they don't

822
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,520
Speaker 4: like that tell anymore. And then sexual I don't need

823
00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:19,320
Speaker 4: as much revving up. I'm like, do you want to

824
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 4: are we? Are we doing this right? But then like

825
00:36:22,640 --> 00:36:25,439
Speaker 4: a sensual might be like if the lights aren't right,

826
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:28,319
Speaker 4: if the scent is in scents that I like, if

827
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 4: the sheets aren't amazing. The colors, uh don't like it.

828
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:34,560
Speaker 4: They can't do it right. So it kind of helps

829
00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:36,839
Speaker 4: you figure out what you need to feel present. So

830
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,000
Speaker 4: you take that into your self date, you might take

831
00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 4: that into your travel, sex back. We've all had them.

832
00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:45,040
Speaker 4: But that's what I do, And so I invite people

833
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:47,520
Speaker 4: to go, what do you want in this experience? Are

834
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:49,480
Speaker 4: we just getting into our bodies? Are we just working

835
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:51,799
Speaker 4: on touch? Get into whatever outfit feels good. Maybe you

836
00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:54,520
Speaker 4: want to be covered up in sweats and start undressing,

837
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:56,799
Speaker 4: or you go straight from the shower and butt make it.

838
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,400
Speaker 4: We're testing here, and then you literally touch your body

839
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 4: kind of pressure feels good. I am not a soft

840
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:05,680
Speaker 4: touch girl. I'm like this, I punch you, yeah, but

841
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:09,120
Speaker 4: also have a lot of chronic pace, so I'm like

842
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,520
Speaker 4: I need to feel this, so like a stronger, firm

843
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:13,279
Speaker 4: touch feels good for me. But I had to learn

844
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,439
Speaker 4: that like more before I'd be like ooh, now, I'm

845
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:19,719
Speaker 4: like stop it stop. But see, I practice that. And

846
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:22,239
Speaker 4: then positions are a big thing that I don't think

847
00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:26,720
Speaker 4: people practice. Like try positions you used to love, because

848
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 4: maybe those are triggering for you and maybe they're not

849
00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 4: fun anymore. Maybe the things you used to be, like

850
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 4: I don't know. Now you're like, I'm into this one.

851
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,960
Speaker 1: And you mean try these positions. We're still by ourselves.

852
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 4: Buy yourselves, still put your body. Yeah, you're like just

853
00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 4: pretending we're doing like yogan and pilates and bed if

854
00:37:42,600 --> 00:37:45,680
Speaker 4: that feels good for you, just bend over and doggy style,

855
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:48,640
Speaker 4: Like does that feel good? Is that? Like? I feel vulnerable?

856
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:51,719
Speaker 4: Do I feel scared? Like maybe you can't see. Maybe

857
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 4: you're like, you know what, I can do this if

858
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,400
Speaker 4: there's a mirror. But you figure these things out on

859
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 4: your own time. But also give yourself an out, like

860
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,080
Speaker 4: we're into it for twenty minutes, you're myself for ten minutes,

861
00:38:00,520 --> 00:38:02,560
Speaker 4: and then if you're like, okay, I'm ready. And I

862
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 4: always tell people like maybe you go back to the

863
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:07,560
Speaker 4: sex toys you've used, or you buy new ones, or

864
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,359
Speaker 4: you're like, I want to try a new thing. This

865
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:11,920
Speaker 4: is when you try these things out, because again, the

866
00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,120
Speaker 4: toys you used to eat love. Maybe you're like bad

867
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,960
Speaker 4: memories trash. You're like, this was one hundred and fifty dollars.

868
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,680
Speaker 4: You're like, but the trauma and you toss it, or

869
00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,520
Speaker 4: maybe you've had that thing. If you're like me and

870
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 4: you're like, here's a box of something random and you

871
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,920
Speaker 4: have toys in your house, maybe you try something new

872
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,200
Speaker 4: or a new sensation or a new hole, right, like,

873
00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 4: maybe this is the time that we start to expand

874
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,080
Speaker 4: on what our body feels like, and you give yourself

875
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:36,640
Speaker 4: permission as you do it. And then, last but not least,

876
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:40,000
Speaker 4: which it's never lost. There's always more but a yes

877
00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:42,480
Speaker 4: no maybe list. I love a yes no maybe list

878
00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:45,880
Speaker 4: by just giving yourself an idea of the options of sex.

879
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:48,520
Speaker 4: Like if you've never seen one, it's a long list.

880
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 4: There's tons of them. Figure out which one feels good

881
00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:52,480
Speaker 4: for you. They have kinkier list, they have softer lists.

882
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 4: They got long lists. My yes no maybe list is

883
00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:59,000
Speaker 4: like five or six pages. It's roll through. She's thick.

884
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 4: I'll send you one. You can have your own, but

885
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:05,720
Speaker 4: it literally will break it down. It's different sex things

886
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:08,839
Speaker 4: that you can try different positions for some of them,

887
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,719
Speaker 4: and you could put yes no, and it's receiving or

888
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,719
Speaker 4: providing or giving. And so what's fun about that is

889
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:16,279
Speaker 4: there's things on that that you'm like, oh, I didn't

890
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,040
Speaker 4: even think about that, or you're like, what is that

891
00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:19,840
Speaker 4: and looking at them and you're like, that's what that's called.

892
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,840
Speaker 4: I do like that, right, So it gives you an idea,

893
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,360
Speaker 4: But also I use that as a cheat sheet for

894
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:28,319
Speaker 4: when I feel like, oh, we're going to have sex,

895
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:30,160
Speaker 4: like here, let's say if we're compatible.

896
00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 3: Oh so you trade it with each other.

897
00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:34,799
Speaker 4: Sometimes interesting, but in the beginning it's for me. But

898
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,560
Speaker 4: you can also make it a fun thing when you're

899
00:39:36,719 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 4: learning new people. Make it a fun date, like let's

900
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,080
Speaker 4: do it. Here's one for you, and then let's trade

901
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,320
Speaker 4: them in like ye, that opens conversations.

902
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:45,760
Speaker 2: It's like that kink that you know, that kink list

903
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:47,000
Speaker 2: that everyone m.

904
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:50,680
Speaker 4: H on all the data maps. Yeah, exactly, black one

905
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,479
Speaker 4: I never talking about.

906
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, everyone will be like, oh these are mine,

907
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:54,520
Speaker 2: what's yours?

908
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:56,319
Speaker 3: You know, like, yeah, it could be a fun thing.

909
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:58,920
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm like, why don't we tell people the way

910
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,879
Speaker 4: we want to have sex? Because they were sitting there

911
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 4: like do you I don't know if you like it

912
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 4: might be weird for you. I don't know. Let's just

913
00:40:04,160 --> 00:40:07,280
Speaker 4: do the things we like, right, And so it's also

914
00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:09,080
Speaker 4: a way for you can be like here's what I

915
00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:10,880
Speaker 4: like and here's what I don't like, which could be

916
00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 4: a way to keep yourself safe.

917
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,040
Speaker 1: So this is probably important to do even if you

918
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:18,200
Speaker 1: don't experience trauma okay a couple of years, Oh yeah,

919
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:20,960
Speaker 1: like real just for living, Yeah, just.

920
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:24,600
Speaker 4: Because trauma, no trauma ranges of trauma. I think people

921
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 4: should have the sex that they want and not the

922
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:30,560
Speaker 4: sex that people want them to have, right because it

923
00:40:30,600 --> 00:40:30,960
Speaker 4: might not.

924
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:31,440
Speaker 1: Be what I like.

925
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:32,240
Speaker 3: It's hard.

926
00:40:32,320 --> 00:40:35,400
Speaker 2: I mean, first of all, we're socialized to just go

927
00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:38,360
Speaker 2: along with whatever the dude wants and be sexy or whatever,

928
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,160
Speaker 2: So that's one obstacle. But then also, like you're with

929
00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:43,400
Speaker 2: a partner, you care about their pleasure, you want to

930
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 2: please them. You don't know if this is going to

931
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 2: feel good. It's just like hard to navigate if you're

932
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:50,359
Speaker 2: not like being really clear with yourself about it and

933
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:51,400
Speaker 2: exploring doing that.

934
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:55,520
Speaker 4: Absolutely, I'm one of the bisexuals, they say, but like

935
00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:59,080
Speaker 4: all bodies, all genders. But also it's helpful if you're

936
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 4: having sex with another personal trauma because you most likely

937
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:05,240
Speaker 4: are right, so how do we? I think it also

938
00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:08,680
Speaker 4: kind of helps because everyone that I'm currently dating has trauma,

939
00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,759
Speaker 4: So does your trauma work with my trauma? Or do

940
00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:12,600
Speaker 4: we trigger each other?

941
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:16,040
Speaker 1: Is there anyone without sexual trauma.

942
00:41:16,120 --> 00:41:20,440
Speaker 4: Some say they are. I think statistically, people look at

943
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:23,840
Speaker 4: it differently, And I say, if we're looking at the numbers,

944
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:25,600
Speaker 4: which will never be correct, what is it one in

945
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:29,719
Speaker 4: six sis head men, one in three sis head women,

946
00:41:29,800 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 4: doesn't account for non binary trands, It doesn't look into

947
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:35,680
Speaker 4: race areas, will never have a number. But that's a

948
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:38,600
Speaker 4: lot of people even just looking at that, right, And

949
00:41:38,680 --> 00:41:41,120
Speaker 4: so I think that people categorize it and look at

950
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,919
Speaker 4: it differently, and like we have these conversations like, oh shit,

951
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,640
Speaker 4: this is why I was doing this thing. Oh this

952
00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:48,040
Speaker 4: is a thing that happened. I think the older we get,

953
00:41:48,120 --> 00:41:50,480
Speaker 4: we have more of those oh shit moments. So I

954
00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 4: don't know a lot of people that don't have it,

955
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:54,040
Speaker 4: but they might not claim it or connect with it.

956
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:57,200
Speaker 2: I would say that there was a friend who was

957
00:41:57,280 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 2: reacting strongly to certain conversations about sexual sos, and it

958
00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,720
Speaker 2: came out that they had experienced it, which made total

959
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:06,800
Speaker 2: sense in retrospect, but they weren't claiming it. They didn't

960
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,319
Speaker 2: want to think about it that way, and it made them,

961
00:42:09,480 --> 00:42:12,239
Speaker 2: you know, be reactive to those kinds of conversations. So

962
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,480
Speaker 2: it's like, yes, probably most people have experienced at least

963
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:16,560
Speaker 2: some degree of it, but have they come.

964
00:42:16,480 --> 00:42:18,239
Speaker 3: To terms with it, or do they conceive of it

965
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:18,960
Speaker 3: that way.

966
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 2: Or maybe it's a lot milder than other people, so

967
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:24,000
Speaker 2: we don't think of it that way, but they do

968
00:42:24,160 --> 00:42:25,239
Speaker 2: experience it that way.

969
00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:26,279
Speaker 3: I mean, we just.

970
00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:30,000
Speaker 2: All should be talking about it more and discovering what

971
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:32,200
Speaker 2: we want and need more because that's always going to

972
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:33,120
Speaker 2: be a part of the equation.

973
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,440
Speaker 1: Right to your point, it should start as early as possible.

974
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:39,680
Speaker 1: I was saying before we began. My dad actually taught

975
00:42:40,400 --> 00:42:43,800
Speaker 1: our sex ad class, which was was that fun or

976
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 1: not so humiliating?

977
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:46,120
Speaker 4: Okay, so not.

978
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:52,880
Speaker 1: But my dad's againecologists and all of those, And I

979
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 1: have to say, I think we had our first sex

980
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:56,680
Speaker 1: class in like fourth grade.

981
00:42:56,760 --> 00:42:58,920
Speaker 4: I don't, wow, it was like fourth or fifth grade.

982
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,760
Speaker 1: And I'm so happy, Like some people didn't. Some people

983
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:04,520
Speaker 1: like they're freshman year of high school or like my

984
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:07,920
Speaker 1: Fanny McMuffin for their vagina or postume.

985
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:09,880
Speaker 4: You're like, who's fanny?

986
00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:11,240
Speaker 3: I was like, what a person?

987
00:43:11,520 --> 00:43:11,800
Speaker 4: Fuck?

988
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:15,200
Speaker 3: So yeah, I think just the worst term I've ever heard.

989
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:17,600
Speaker 4: I think I made it up.

990
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:20,879
Speaker 3: I've never heard that way. Well, it's still the worst

991
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:21,719
Speaker 3: doing it.

992
00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:25,520
Speaker 1: I think the like sooner we can start to talk

993
00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:26,480
Speaker 1: about it, the better.

994
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:28,600
Speaker 2: I've experienced a little bit of this, not as strong

995
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 2: as I know some of my friends have, but like

996
00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:33,080
Speaker 2: when we're engaging in a sexual encounter and we can't

997
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:37,280
Speaker 2: stop thinking about the assault or you know, like feeling

998
00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:39,839
Speaker 2: the need to freeze, but not really communicating that because

999
00:43:39,840 --> 00:43:40,680
Speaker 2: it's like hard to even.

1000
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:41,520
Speaker 3: Understand what's happening.

1001
00:43:41,640 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 2: In addition to like what I do and don't, like,

1002
00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:47,120
Speaker 2: what would you say to someone who, like you know,

1003
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:50,440
Speaker 2: has a trauma response during sexual encounter.

1004
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that there's conversations to be had outside

1005
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:56,840
Speaker 4: of the bedroom. I think anytime you're having sex with someone,

1006
00:43:57,040 --> 00:43:59,600
Speaker 4: you should have conversations outside the bedroom. The bedroom kind

1007
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 4: of feels very filled with pressure, like you're already in it.

1008
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:04,960
Speaker 4: Like for some people it's like, well, I'm already hear it,

1009
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:07,200
Speaker 4: I'm clearly going to do this thing, and then you're like,

1010
00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:08,600
Speaker 4: I was lying, I don't want to do this at all.

1011
00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:11,120
Speaker 4: So you have conversations outside of the bedroom. If it

1012
00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:14,560
Speaker 4: is a partner that you are consistently with, I think

1013
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,719
Speaker 4: there's the conversations of what a boundary is like if

1014
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:21,040
Speaker 4: you need me to check in with you more often

1015
00:44:21,400 --> 00:44:23,799
Speaker 4: if we need to have a non verbal signal. Maybe

1016
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:26,520
Speaker 4: it's an arm tap, Maybe it's you asking me every

1017
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:29,080
Speaker 4: listen check in. Check ins are't sex, and I'm like,

1018
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,440
Speaker 4: you know, it's not sexy me flipping out when we're

1019
00:44:31,440 --> 00:44:34,160
Speaker 4: trying to have sex. And so it's like, maybe you

1020
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,319
Speaker 4: check in every five or ten minutes. You're like, are

1021
00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:37,840
Speaker 4: you okay? Do you need anything? Do you need me

1022
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:40,000
Speaker 4: to stop? Would you like a new position? But if

1023
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:44,080
Speaker 4: you're in it as the person that is ruminating and whatnot,

1024
00:44:44,239 --> 00:44:46,759
Speaker 4: I think that you are allowed to say stop. I

1025
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:48,840
Speaker 4: think you are allowed to take breaks. I think you

1026
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:51,319
Speaker 4: are allowed to figure out the different ways that feel

1027
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,640
Speaker 4: good for you to respond. Maybe it's having a scarf

1028
00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:56,040
Speaker 4: near and we listen. It's like really throwing a flag

1029
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 4: on the plane. I don't know that might feel good

1030
00:44:58,040 --> 00:44:59,880
Speaker 4: for you as a signal. It might be a safe on,

1031
00:45:00,560 --> 00:45:03,560
Speaker 4: It might be the arm tap, it might be you

1032
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:05,799
Speaker 4: just look into associate. But hopefully you have a good

1033
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:08,880
Speaker 4: partner that can be like I can see you like

1034
00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:11,359
Speaker 4: we should stop. So then it comes to the question

1035
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,600
Speaker 4: of what it was just a hookup, right, And people

1036
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,759
Speaker 4: ask me like, well, what if and I'm like, girl on, no,

1037
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:20,560
Speaker 4: Sarah know nim, y'all make it for us to feel

1038
00:45:20,600 --> 00:45:22,319
Speaker 4: like it's still sexy, Like ooh, I don't like that,

1039
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:24,240
Speaker 4: But let me tell you what I do like giving

1040
00:45:24,239 --> 00:45:27,480
Speaker 4: someone alternatives, because if it's a hookup, we want to

1041
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,879
Speaker 4: just fucking get it over with quite often, right, it's

1042
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:31,880
Speaker 4: not like we're not hanging out, we're going to brunch, Like,

1043
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:34,759
Speaker 4: here's the way that we can both have fun. And oftentimes,

1044
00:45:34,880 --> 00:45:37,000
Speaker 4: again I have sectioned all different types of people, but

1045
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,160
Speaker 4: cis men are like, please let me do this thing.

1046
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:40,680
Speaker 4: So I can do the thing and we can exit.

1047
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:42,719
Speaker 4: And so if I can tell you how we can

1048
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 4: all achieve this moment.

1049
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:47,399
Speaker 1: Hah right, it's like spelling it out, spell it out.

1050
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:50,440
Speaker 4: You like this, I like this, let's get to this point.

1051
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:53,840
Speaker 4: But giving someone a cheat sheet, I think is real helpful.

1052
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 4: Like you want to make me come hopefully that's the

1053
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:57,120
Speaker 4: goal for all of us a little bit, but that

1054
00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:58,600
Speaker 4: doesn't always have to be the goal. So let me

1055
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 4: fix that for sure. If you want to enjoy your experience,

1056
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,080
Speaker 4: let's say that here's how we can both enjoy it,

1057
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:04,960
Speaker 4: or at least how I can.

1058
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,680
Speaker 1: I think a big key for me in my sexual

1059
00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:11,600
Speaker 1: growth has just been well. Number one, my dude and

1060
00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:17,839
Speaker 1: I always forget our safe it. Maybe we find a

1061
00:46:18,120 --> 00:46:21,040
Speaker 1: signal and like we have them for everything, you know,

1062
00:46:21,120 --> 00:46:23,640
Speaker 1: like if we want out of an awkward conversation, we

1063
00:46:23,719 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 1: say this word and we're always like octopus, like we

1064
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: can never like I'm out, never mind, we always forget.

1065
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:35,080
Speaker 1: But number two, like I appreciate being with a guy

1066
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:37,920
Speaker 1: because I never had this experience before where they'd be like,

1067
00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:41,000
Speaker 1: you're gonna have an orgasm and I didn't have to

1068
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:43,319
Speaker 1: fake it because I I don't want to today, I

1069
00:46:43,320 --> 00:46:45,759
Speaker 1: don't care. But if I'm like I'm not going to

1070
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 1: concentrate the ard today, I'm not doing it today, it's

1071
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:50,839
Speaker 1: not happening. He's like, dope, cool, and we can still

1072
00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:52,759
Speaker 1: have fun. It still feels good and I don't have

1073
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 1: to like that's the goal. Yeah, And I don't have

1074
00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:58,480
Speaker 1: to fake it. I don't have to do any of it,

1075
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:01,160
Speaker 1: and it just feels like easier for me.

1076
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:05,680
Speaker 2: Oh that's that's great. I self imposed orgasm.

1077
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:06,200
Speaker 3: Pressure for sure.

1078
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:08,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's been really nice for me to just be

1079
00:47:08,680 --> 00:47:15,080
Speaker 1: like no, that's too much, like you can go ahead. Yeah, yeah,

1080
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:15,440
Speaker 1: I get it.

1081
00:47:15,719 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 4: Yeah, I've had a good time. Yeah, yeah, I think

1082
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:18,640
Speaker 4: so much.

1083
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:22,440
Speaker 5: Yeah. Yeah, Like sometimes it's just it's just nice to

1084
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:25,560
Speaker 5: not have to and not have to, like because I

1085
00:47:25,600 --> 00:47:28,000
Speaker 5: would totally fake it before and people would be like,

1086
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:29,800
Speaker 5: why would you ever fake an orgasm?

1087
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:34,640
Speaker 1: And I'd like to make it end activity. I want

1088
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:36,640
Speaker 1: to watch Sleepless in Seattle now.

1089
00:47:38,719 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 4: I gotta go.

1090
00:47:41,040 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, anyway, just to side.

1091
00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,560
Speaker 4: Not Yeah, I think that's also a very real conversation.

1092
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:46,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

1093
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,359
Speaker 4: Of like, sext can be whatever you want it to be,

1094
00:47:49,440 --> 00:47:51,480
Speaker 4: and I think that's why we figure out what we like.

1095
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:54,919
Speaker 4: Like sometimes I'm like, yeah, it'squaki me. That was fun,

1096
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,760
Speaker 4: Thank you so much. Just want you to check my nipple,

1097
00:47:57,320 --> 00:47:59,880
Speaker 4: finger inside me. I don't know whatever that journey is.

1098
00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:01,839
Speaker 4: And then you're like, I did it all right, bye?

1099
00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:02,400
Speaker 4: Snacked up?

1100
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:04,799
Speaker 2: Is there a way to bring yourself back to the

1101
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,680
Speaker 2: present during sex?

1102
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:07,080
Speaker 4: Do you have?

1103
00:48:07,280 --> 00:48:08,680
Speaker 3: Are there any like tips for that?

1104
00:48:08,960 --> 00:48:13,680
Speaker 4: Yeah? Stop? I think I know people like what because

1105
00:48:13,719 --> 00:48:16,279
Speaker 4: I think if we're constantly trying to just yes, I

1106
00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:18,719
Speaker 4: think there's things that we can work through. But if

1107
00:48:18,719 --> 00:48:21,200
Speaker 4: it is that overwhelming that you are freezing or whatever,

1108
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:25,080
Speaker 4: stop what you're doing, Like you're allowed to stop and

1109
00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:27,600
Speaker 4: feel actually present again, not like well I can push

1110
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:30,480
Speaker 4: through because you're gonna regret it later and then you're

1111
00:48:30,480 --> 00:48:33,359
Speaker 4: gonna shame yourself. You're gonna guilt yourself, really guilt, because

1112
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:36,080
Speaker 4: there are cousins that we all hate. You'll guilt yourself later,

1113
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:39,160
Speaker 4: and so allowing yourself that permission and be like I

1114
00:48:39,239 --> 00:48:41,000
Speaker 4: just need to stop to be able to get into

1115
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:43,440
Speaker 4: your body. I love a bathroom break, like, let me

1116
00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:45,640
Speaker 4: go to the bathroom, let me sit on the ground.

1117
00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:47,840
Speaker 4: Hopefully it's clean, because you know some of the people's

1118
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:51,279
Speaker 4: houses sit on the ground. Maybe I'll stretch, Maybe I

1119
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:55,280
Speaker 4: will run my hands under cold water for that little

1120
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:58,320
Speaker 4: tactile feeling of like the sensation getting back into my body.

1121
00:48:58,719 --> 00:49:00,400
Speaker 4: Or I'll be like, can we just like not do

1122
00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:04,480
Speaker 4: this anymore? Also just offering a position that feels safer

1123
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:07,359
Speaker 4: or feel more connected, like you know what I love.

1124
00:49:07,920 --> 00:49:11,239
Speaker 4: I would love if we could do sideways right, Like

1125
00:49:11,560 --> 00:49:14,399
Speaker 4: you can make it sound as fun or not fun,

1126
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 4: or you'd be like, hey, I need you to stop that,

1127
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:18,920
Speaker 4: like let's switch positions. You were in control of it

1128
00:49:19,239 --> 00:49:21,680
Speaker 4: even when you feel like you're not sometimes.

1129
00:49:21,360 --> 00:49:24,680
Speaker 1: Right, I enjoyed what you said earlier about when you

1130
00:49:25,080 --> 00:49:27,680
Speaker 1: went into a trauma response and so you tried to

1131
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,719
Speaker 1: get into the earth or use taste or smell or

1132
00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:34,800
Speaker 1: what is it I see? I follow like sensual people

1133
00:49:34,840 --> 00:49:37,319
Speaker 1: on Instagram who are like, I have oranges by the

1134
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:40,279
Speaker 1: bed and like some oil that smells like this. Is

1135
00:49:40,320 --> 00:49:43,480
Speaker 1: that something that you ever use like taste and smell

1136
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:46,200
Speaker 1: and getting in your body that way or is that

1137
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:48,399
Speaker 1: kind of a different Absolutely?

1138
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:53,839
Speaker 4: Okay, now absolutely you're on look at you guiding this. No, absolutely,

1139
00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:56,200
Speaker 4: I think there's different things that you can utilize. Look

1140
00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:58,920
Speaker 4: at this segue. For my nonprofit Tendy the Garden, we

1141
00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 4: actually a subscription box service that we just released and

1142
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:06,360
Speaker 4: our first box is about grounding and so within the boxes,

1143
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:09,560
Speaker 4: there's like a little crystal that helps. There's little essential

1144
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:12,120
Speaker 4: oils we made everything that's small enough that you can carry.

1145
00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:14,920
Speaker 4: There's like something you can taste, like some tea that

1146
00:50:14,960 --> 00:50:17,920
Speaker 4: you can make on the go, Like having little things

1147
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:20,920
Speaker 4: around the bed like that I think are helpful. Maybe

1148
00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:24,680
Speaker 4: there's a certain tea like candle that you like, maybe

1149
00:50:24,719 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 4: it's just the color of it. I don't know. You

1150
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:29,080
Speaker 4: can add your own essential oils to it so you

1151
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:29,560
Speaker 4: can have.

1152
00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:31,759
Speaker 1: That experience that's brilliant.

1153
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:36,520
Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's cheaper. It's cheaper, so smart, but I

1154
00:50:36,560 --> 00:50:39,240
Speaker 4: think you play with it right, like for some people

1155
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:42,239
Speaker 4: they're like having sex. Maybe having an orange and trying

1156
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:47,239
Speaker 4: to give someone oral sex is not the move that

1157
00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:50,360
Speaker 4: min bird. But then I don't know if you'll remember

1158
00:50:50,400 --> 00:50:52,400
Speaker 4: that grapefruit challenge it's coming.

1159
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:54,200
Speaker 3: What is the grapefruit?

1160
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:55,480
Speaker 4: Oh?

1161
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:57,400
Speaker 1: Is that just when you eat a lot of grape?

1162
00:50:58,200 --> 00:50:59,400
Speaker 4: Okay, let's do it quick.

1163
00:51:00,239 --> 00:51:01,800
Speaker 1: And it's not eat a lot of grape.

1164
00:51:02,480 --> 00:51:06,160
Speaker 4: You cut a hole, do it? So? Okay, cut the

1165
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:08,000
Speaker 4: top off, cut the bottom off, you make a hole

1166
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 4: inside and you put it on a penis. And so

1167
00:51:10,120 --> 00:51:14,120
Speaker 4: you're here. This is on the video, isn't it here? Yeah?

1168
00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:17,160
Speaker 4: Like this, and the flavor is supposed to be better.

1169
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:20,560
Speaker 4: But let's not forget. There is a wreath rip there.

1170
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:22,279
Speaker 4: There is a hole where I don't know if we

1171
00:51:22,280 --> 00:51:23,279
Speaker 4: should put citrus.

1172
00:51:23,600 --> 00:51:24,440
Speaker 3: It's so scary.

1173
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:31,640
Speaker 4: Rights, it was a movie people are talking about. It

1174
00:51:31,640 --> 00:51:34,239
Speaker 4: was in a movie Girl Trip, Girls Trip. But there

1175
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:36,920
Speaker 4: have been other sex educators talking about which is cool.

1176
00:51:37,040 --> 00:51:39,840
Speaker 4: It's fun. Maybe do it with the condom, right, you

1177
00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:42,120
Speaker 4: want to do that? But I think it is really

1178
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:43,919
Speaker 4: important to figure out your things. That's why I said

1179
00:51:44,120 --> 00:51:47,080
Speaker 4: take the erotic Blueprint test. Maybe get you a grounding

1180
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:49,400
Speaker 4: box or the next one, which is a watering box,

1181
00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:53,160
Speaker 4: and do these things to prepare yourself. If the sensual

1182
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:55,240
Speaker 4: is your thing, I'm like, I'll need all these lights

1183
00:51:55,239 --> 00:51:56,839
Speaker 4: and stuff like I'm like, give me a pink light.

1184
00:51:57,239 --> 00:52:00,640
Speaker 4: That sounds fun, right, So if that does your jam,

1185
00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:04,560
Speaker 4: absolutely have your tea breaks. I will have water next, honey.

1186
00:52:04,360 --> 00:52:07,800
Speaker 3: Water break yeah yeah, oh I love a water break.

1187
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:08,239
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1188
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:08,800
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1189
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,800
Speaker 4: I've had sex with people where it's like, do you

1190
00:52:10,840 --> 00:52:14,000
Speaker 4: want a sandwich? I'm like, right now, you're a sandwich

1191
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 4: in this.

1192
00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:17,280
Speaker 1: I mean okay, I mean always do I want a sandwich?

1193
00:52:17,520 --> 00:52:19,920
Speaker 4: What kind of sandwich is? Yeah? Maybe?

1194
00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:20,520
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1195
00:52:20,520 --> 00:52:22,560
Speaker 4: And then you get back to it, right, like you're

1196
00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:26,560
Speaker 4: allowed whatever feels good for you. Yeah, people are welcome

1197
00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:28,560
Speaker 4: to have sex with you. They're welcome.

1198
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:32,600
Speaker 1: You mean like you're welcome. Yeah yeah, not like welcome, No,

1199
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:36,239
Speaker 1: you were welcome, right right, thank me?

1200
00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:40,760
Speaker 4: Yeah I allowed you access to this. Yeah, you're welcome.

1201
00:52:40,880 --> 00:52:41,640
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1202
00:52:41,800 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 2: For me, something that's been really helpful just on my

1203
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:48,080
Speaker 2: own therapeutic journey, not even relating to sexual stuff.

1204
00:52:48,239 --> 00:52:50,120
Speaker 3: I've had whatever stuff with.

1205
00:52:50,120 --> 00:52:53,640
Speaker 2: Anxiety and like obsessive thinking and stuff, and something that

1206
00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:56,600
Speaker 2: made it all more overwhelming was just this sort of

1207
00:52:56,760 --> 00:53:00,400
Speaker 2: vagueness of it all, like not really knowing what was

1208
00:53:00,440 --> 00:53:02,040
Speaker 2: triggering me and like what was that? And so it

1209
00:53:02,040 --> 00:53:05,200
Speaker 2: would just feel like I can't do this, it's too much.

1210
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:06,840
Speaker 2: I'm just crazy.

1211
00:53:07,000 --> 00:53:07,960
Speaker 3: Like when I wasn't.

1212
00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:12,200
Speaker 2: Able to like separate out what was causing what, it

1213
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:17,799
Speaker 2: made it feel insurmountable. It seems like identifying, oh, this

1214
00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:18,879
Speaker 2: is the position that.

1215
00:53:18,920 --> 00:53:20,920
Speaker 3: Makes me feel triggered.

1216
00:53:20,960 --> 00:53:23,640
Speaker 2: Figuring out exactly like what your triggers are so that

1217
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:26,359
Speaker 2: you know you can prepare for them seems like a

1218
00:53:26,360 --> 00:53:28,600
Speaker 2: big part of this, right Yeah.

1219
00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:31,080
Speaker 4: And I think also giving yourself the space that you

1220
00:53:31,120 --> 00:53:34,200
Speaker 4: don't know all your triggers until they happen, but at

1221
00:53:34,280 --> 00:53:37,840
Speaker 4: least trying to figure out like a baseline. Yeah, like

1222
00:53:37,920 --> 00:53:40,439
Speaker 4: what's my baseline going into this? Like I know those

1223
00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:46,040
Speaker 4: things and can my list expand? Absolutely? Absolutely, There's things

1224
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:49,760
Speaker 4: that I'm like, oh, I didn't know. Seeing a certain

1225
00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:52,640
Speaker 4: color right because it's also visual, I'm like, ooh, that's

1226
00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:54,279
Speaker 4: a moment, like I need to take a breath. Like

1227
00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:56,720
Speaker 4: that kind of throws me off, Like a certain taste

1228
00:53:57,480 --> 00:53:59,960
Speaker 4: a certain smell. A lot of are the things that

1229
00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:03,319
Speaker 4: we smell can be very triggering, good and bad. I know,

1230
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:05,920
Speaker 4: like certain perfumes, I'm like, oh, that's my person, Like

1231
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:08,120
Speaker 4: I know that person's coming, Like I know that's our perfume,

1232
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:12,080
Speaker 4: or it's like ugh, you may relate. There's alcohol smells

1233
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:14,840
Speaker 4: for a lot of us that were like oh yeah, absolutely,

1234
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:18,080
Speaker 4: fuck off. Do not come near me with that. I

1235
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:20,960
Speaker 4: will instantly want to fight you or I'll want to vomit. Right,

1236
00:54:21,600 --> 00:54:24,919
Speaker 4: And so those are just helpful tools. But I think

1237
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:28,120
Speaker 4: also being like, okay, maybe I don't know all the things,

1238
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:31,520
Speaker 4: but at least curating and this is also helpful. Something

1239
00:54:31,520 --> 00:54:34,319
Speaker 4: that I've had people do is curating like a small

1240
00:54:34,640 --> 00:54:37,400
Speaker 4: little carrying thing, like an Altoid's ten. That's small, and

1241
00:54:38,080 --> 00:54:41,600
Speaker 4: do they still make them in the tin? They do? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

1242
00:54:41,640 --> 00:54:47,160
Speaker 4: I fold. So making a ten and having something for

1243
00:54:47,239 --> 00:54:49,400
Speaker 4: all of your five senses, so even when you're in

1244
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:53,200
Speaker 4: the thing, maybe it is a little crystal, a rock, whatever,

1245
00:54:53,440 --> 00:54:56,440
Speaker 4: maybe a piece of cloth, maybe a rough piece, a

1246
00:54:56,480 --> 00:54:58,759
Speaker 4: soft piece, you know what you like, maybe having a

1247
00:54:58,800 --> 00:55:03,160
Speaker 4: little essential oil. There are those perfume samples, those little boops.

1248
00:55:03,280 --> 00:55:05,320
Speaker 4: Maybe you have that one that you're like, this reminds

1249
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:07,759
Speaker 4: me of safety your own whatever it is, or maybe

1250
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:11,120
Speaker 4: you put something together, having like a candy like a

1251
00:55:11,160 --> 00:55:14,480
Speaker 4: certain mint or something, or a starbars, I don't know,

1252
00:55:14,520 --> 00:55:17,160
Speaker 4: whatever your jam is. Having that in there, like having

1253
00:55:17,239 --> 00:55:19,400
Speaker 4: these things just for the what if and when you're ready,

1254
00:55:19,600 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 4: I think those are also really helpful because then it'll

1255
00:55:22,120 --> 00:55:24,040
Speaker 4: allows you to be like, oh shit, I'm in this thing,

1256
00:55:24,640 --> 00:55:27,880
Speaker 4: here's my tools. Okay, what just happened? Because you can't

1257
00:55:27,960 --> 00:55:30,920
Speaker 4: navigate it when you're in it, yeah, right right, you're like, oh,

1258
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:33,960
Speaker 4: I'm spiraling, what's happening? H Like you're just going to

1259
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:36,960
Speaker 4: continue because you're going to keep processing, ruminating, right, So

1260
00:55:37,040 --> 00:55:40,040
Speaker 4: allowing yourself that break to be like how the fuck

1261
00:55:40,080 --> 00:55:42,160
Speaker 4: do I step out of it? Yeah, to to be

1262
00:55:42,200 --> 00:55:44,680
Speaker 4: able to look back and go, okay, what happened? Where

1263
00:55:44,920 --> 00:55:47,319
Speaker 4: was I and also being like I don't know right now?

1264
00:55:47,320 --> 00:55:50,160
Speaker 4: And that's okay. Because I think we constantly try to

1265
00:55:50,200 --> 00:55:51,480
Speaker 4: fix the thing too fast.

1266
00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:54,720
Speaker 1: I was just gonna say, I think every facet of trauma,

1267
00:55:54,760 --> 00:55:57,720
Speaker 1: whether it be sexual or anything, it just all involves

1268
00:55:57,719 --> 00:55:58,400
Speaker 1: slowing down.

1269
00:55:58,680 --> 00:56:02,920
Speaker 4: Yeah. I think it's also a societal issue, sure, right,

1270
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:06,160
Speaker 4: Like I think rape is a community issue. Yeah, the

1271
00:56:06,200 --> 00:56:09,480
Speaker 4: ways that we uphold it, the way that we protect predators.

1272
00:56:09,880 --> 00:56:11,799
Speaker 4: I think that's a conversation that we need to have.

1273
00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:14,759
Speaker 4: And then going to that point, I'm like, yeah, there's

1274
00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:17,680
Speaker 4: a lot of it, but Western societies like numb it,

1275
00:56:17,800 --> 00:56:20,040
Speaker 4: numb it. We got things to do, keep going. We

1276
00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:21,959
Speaker 4: don't have time to you gotta go to work, right

1277
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:25,000
Speaker 4: even we talked about this briefly. My dad just died,

1278
00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:28,600
Speaker 4: and I my body doesn't know how to sit in

1279
00:56:28,719 --> 00:56:30,759
Speaker 4: the grief because I'm like, well, I gotta go. I

1280
00:56:30,800 --> 00:56:32,800
Speaker 4: own businesses, like I gotta get this done. If I

1281
00:56:32,840 --> 00:56:34,480
Speaker 4: don't do this and this person doesn't eat, this is

1282
00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:37,719
Speaker 4: like that we're not allowed in Western society to like

1283
00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:39,719
Speaker 4: breathe and feel the thing because we don't have time

1284
00:56:39,760 --> 00:56:39,960
Speaker 4: for it.

1285
00:56:40,120 --> 00:56:42,280
Speaker 3: Right, Oh, I really to That's so hard.

1286
00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:47,719
Speaker 4: It's so annoying. It's really annoying. You're like I would like, okay,

1287
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:49,960
Speaker 4: it's fine, I'm gonna just keep going, but then it

1288
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:54,920
Speaker 4: hurts us. And then we all have PTSD in different forms,

1289
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:57,360
Speaker 4: and we all have trauma, and we're all just walking

1290
00:56:57,480 --> 00:57:01,799
Speaker 4: around or floating around for some of us just like yeah, hey,

1291
00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:03,279
Speaker 4: I'm okay, I'm just making it.

1292
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:04,040
Speaker 1: It's embodied.

1293
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:08,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, like we're all masking. And so something that y'all

1294
00:57:08,000 --> 00:57:10,439
Speaker 4: can also do is when you when you see people

1295
00:57:10,520 --> 00:57:12,439
Speaker 4: like how are you, like how's your brain? How's your heart?

1296
00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:17,800
Speaker 4: Instead of like how are you? People like what and bad? Yeah,

1297
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:19,400
Speaker 4: And then the honesty when people like how are you,

1298
00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:21,960
Speaker 4: Like I'm kind of overwhelmed in stressed and they're like

1299
00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:26,160
Speaker 4: what because we're so used to like, oh, I'm good, fine, right,

1300
00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:29,960
Speaker 4: But when we be honest, we're also giving permission for

1301
00:57:30,040 --> 00:57:33,320
Speaker 4: other people to be honest. And so in a little way,

1302
00:57:33,360 --> 00:57:36,000
Speaker 4: I hope I'm helping to normalize, Like I'm kind of

1303
00:57:36,040 --> 00:57:37,960
Speaker 4: shit right now, but like I see the light at

1304
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:39,720
Speaker 4: the end of the tunnel, like I can see these

1305
00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:41,680
Speaker 4: things like this part was good, and people go, yeah,

1306
00:57:41,680 --> 00:57:44,360
Speaker 4: you're right. I think most of us, especially in these

1307
00:57:44,400 --> 00:57:48,080
Speaker 4: bodies like identify as women, fev or whatever, we're walking

1308
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:50,520
Speaker 4: around holding our breath, waiting for the next thing to

1309
00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:53,200
Speaker 4: happen or so another question is like when's the last

1310
00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:58,320
Speaker 4: time you took an intentional breath that you're just like oh,

1311
00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:01,840
Speaker 4: and then you're like, oh, I haven't because I've been

1312
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:04,960
Speaker 4: waiting for whatever. And I think that's a lot of

1313
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:06,800
Speaker 4: us walking around a part of our float of just

1314
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:09,240
Speaker 4: being like I don't know, I'm on guard. I don't

1315
00:58:09,240 --> 00:58:10,120
Speaker 4: know what's gonna happen.

1316
00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:11,280
Speaker 3: Well, I like, don't breathe.

1317
00:58:11,840 --> 00:58:12,400
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1318
00:58:12,440 --> 00:58:15,160
Speaker 2: I've been doing vocal lessons where I realized I'd been

1319
00:58:15,200 --> 00:58:18,080
Speaker 2: singing not breathing through my nose as I'm singing, which

1320
00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:21,480
Speaker 2: is apparently not normal. So I've become more aware of

1321
00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:23,480
Speaker 2: like when I am and I'm not breathing, and I'm

1322
00:58:23,520 --> 00:58:24,760
Speaker 2: like never breathing.

1323
00:58:24,880 --> 00:58:27,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like how am I surviving? I don't I think that.

1324
00:58:27,400 --> 00:58:30,360
Speaker 1: I'm like huh, yeah, no, I mean every time I'm

1325
00:58:30,360 --> 00:58:32,200
Speaker 1: like my breath, I'm like, well, I'm holding it.

1326
00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:34,800
Speaker 4: Alive.

1327
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:37,640
Speaker 1: But I do do the wem Hoff breathing every morning.

1328
00:58:37,640 --> 00:58:39,600
Speaker 1: I don't know if anybody wants you look up wem

1329
00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:43,680
Speaker 1: Holf ten minute breathing on YouTube. But it is amazing.

1330
00:58:43,960 --> 00:58:45,880
Speaker 1: But then the rest of the day I'm just holding.

1331
00:58:47,320 --> 00:58:49,720
Speaker 4: You know. I have a lot more people around me

1332
00:58:49,840 --> 00:58:51,840
Speaker 4: doing like breathwork stuff, and I'm like I don't want

1333
00:58:51,840 --> 00:58:55,520
Speaker 4: to do it, and I'm like, maybe it's important. It is. Yeah,

1334
00:58:55,640 --> 00:58:57,840
Speaker 4: That's how I get on my tattoos that I'm like

1335
00:58:58,440 --> 00:59:01,680
Speaker 4: I can breathe and can I breathe walking down the street.

1336
00:59:02,200 --> 00:59:05,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean it seems like a really important grounding

1337
00:59:05,160 --> 00:59:06,920
Speaker 2: tool for a lot of people. Although it doesn't it

1338
00:59:07,040 --> 00:59:08,880
Speaker 2: sometimes it makes me more anxious if I work this

1339
00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:09,720
Speaker 2: too much on my breathing.

1340
00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:12,560
Speaker 4: Absolutely right, and so I'm always like, what works for you?

1341
00:59:13,000 --> 00:59:16,200
Speaker 4: Have options. Sometimes breathing is good. Other times throwing shit

1342
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 4: across a room is like, that feels good. A rage room.

1343
00:59:19,440 --> 00:59:20,040
Speaker 4: I love a range.

1344
00:59:20,080 --> 00:59:22,080
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I just I just went to a

1345
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:25,240
Speaker 2: an estate sale from this woman who died, who was

1346
00:59:25,240 --> 00:59:26,760
Speaker 2: this like artist, amazing artist woman.

1347
00:59:26,760 --> 00:59:27,760
Speaker 3: I've learned all about her.

1348
00:59:28,080 --> 00:59:30,400
Speaker 2: She apparently I found out from some deep googling because

1349
00:59:30,400 --> 00:59:31,080
Speaker 2: I got obsessed.

1350
00:59:31,640 --> 00:59:33,640
Speaker 3: Had a padded.

1351
00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:37,640
Speaker 2: Soundproof room in her basement to screaming, and that was

1352
00:59:37,720 --> 00:59:38,480
Speaker 2: like her therapy.

1353
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:40,840
Speaker 3: I was like, I want this. I want this.

1354
00:59:41,000 --> 00:59:43,880
Speaker 1: My neighbors are like, can Megan please make one of those?

1355
00:59:46,680 --> 00:59:48,240
Speaker 4: They're like the thing you're doing.

1356
00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:53,920
Speaker 1: A little bit, Yeah, that's awesome.

1357
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:56,880
Speaker 2: I love I know, we all we had like there's

1358
00:59:56,920 --> 00:59:58,840
Speaker 2: so many different ways we can get these feelings out

1359
00:59:58,840 --> 01:00:00,680
Speaker 2: of our body, and it's just about whining what's right.

1360
01:00:00,760 --> 01:00:01,280
Speaker 3: I mean, as a.

1361
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:05,000
Speaker 1: Teenager, would you guys would scream into your pillow, right, yeah, pillow.

1362
01:00:05,080 --> 01:00:06,520
Speaker 3: Now I haven't.

1363
01:00:06,600 --> 01:00:09,560
Speaker 1: I haven't for a really lunch, right, I would like, yeah,

1364
01:00:09,640 --> 01:00:10,160
Speaker 1: oh my god, I.

1365
01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:12,480
Speaker 2: Would just tens up all my muscles and kick my

1366
01:00:12,600 --> 01:00:15,720
Speaker 2: legs and bed my mom or something.

1367
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:18,680
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, I would punch the ship out of

1368
01:00:18,720 --> 01:00:20,160
Speaker 1: a pillow and scream into it.

1369
01:00:20,200 --> 01:00:22,720
Speaker 2: I do want to get into boxing because sometimes Jack,

1370
01:00:23,080 --> 01:00:25,960
Speaker 2: my boyfriend, is like into he does jiu jitsu and

1371
01:00:25,960 --> 01:00:28,120
Speaker 2: he does some why thie and sometimes he'll like, let

1372
01:00:28,160 --> 01:00:31,040
Speaker 2: me spar if I'm angry, He'll he'll punch me, and

1373
01:00:31,080 --> 01:00:32,880
Speaker 2: I'll punch him and it will feel so good.

1374
01:00:33,840 --> 01:00:36,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, punching stuff feels so good. Don't do it to

1375
01:00:36,720 --> 01:00:38,800
Speaker 3: people who you know. Don't do it to people unless.

1376
01:00:39,520 --> 01:00:44,000
Speaker 1: Street don't do that unless they're sorority girls. Just guys,

1377
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 1: apparently just kidding. This is a call back to the beginning.

1378
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:51,200
Speaker 1: If anybody jumps in, everyone, we're not actually out.

1379
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:56,040
Speaker 2: Here a fight unless it is a controlled environment. But damn,

1380
01:00:56,160 --> 01:00:56,920
Speaker 2: it feels good.

1381
01:00:56,720 --> 01:00:59,880
Speaker 3: To just fucking punch. I never knew just punch the

1382
01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:03,000
Speaker 3: people got warm it up. I'm interesting.

1383
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:06,800
Speaker 2: How's your journey now? How's your sex life?

1384
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:07,160
Speaker 3: Now?

1385
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:14,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, she's fucking I think it is a constant navigation, right,

1386
01:01:14,840 --> 01:01:17,360
Speaker 4: because it's it's not constantly where my body is, but

1387
01:01:17,400 --> 01:01:22,280
Speaker 4: also my body fluctuates getting older. You're like, what is that? Right?

1388
01:01:22,320 --> 01:01:24,480
Speaker 4: So then there's that mindset because most of us have

1389
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:27,440
Speaker 4: disordered eating habits and views of ourselves. So there's that

1390
01:01:27,480 --> 01:01:31,080
Speaker 4: struggle and then the touching of my body and I

1391
01:01:31,120 --> 01:01:33,560
Speaker 4: think like new partners, you're always having to reteach them

1392
01:01:33,720 --> 01:01:36,640
Speaker 4: and you're like, is this worth it? You're like, yes,

1393
01:01:37,640 --> 01:01:40,280
Speaker 4: I think that I have again curated people that can

1394
01:01:40,320 --> 01:01:43,520
Speaker 4: hear me, and I think that's really important now because

1395
01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:45,520
Speaker 4: twenties are kind of a blur. I don't know why

1396
01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:47,560
Speaker 4: people think you in your twenties you'd have she should

1397
01:01:47,560 --> 01:01:50,480
Speaker 4: have your shit together. It's wild. Yeah, it's really not

1398
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:53,800
Speaker 4: the time thirties you were starting. You're like, yes, finally,

1399
01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:58,080
Speaker 4: But I think in this present day, my sex life

1400
01:01:58,560 --> 01:02:02,680
Speaker 4: is mine, right, like in the ways that I don't

1401
01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:05,720
Speaker 4: think it was mine. I think a lot of times

1402
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:09,600
Speaker 4: predominantly fem identified folks or people that are feminine are

1403
01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:12,440
Speaker 4: having sex the ways that people want us to have

1404
01:02:12,480 --> 01:02:15,920
Speaker 4: it or the way that we think we should be performing. Yeah, right,

1405
01:02:15,960 --> 01:02:19,040
Speaker 4: like a girl, I don't want all this. Yeh, Do

1406
01:02:19,120 --> 01:02:21,560
Speaker 4: I like it or don't? Yeah, Like, I'm not gonna

1407
01:02:21,560 --> 01:02:24,080
Speaker 4: pretend anymore, and so I don't pretend. I'm like, can

1408
01:02:24,120 --> 01:02:28,080
Speaker 4: you do something else? Yeah? If you could do this thing,

1409
01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:32,000
Speaker 4: let me no, No, I can see it. That's not it.

1410
01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:34,800
Speaker 4: If you could do this thing, I'd be more present.

1411
01:02:34,920 --> 01:02:37,480
Speaker 1: And it takes a certain kind of partner to receive that.

1412
01:02:37,760 --> 01:02:38,400
Speaker 3: So true.

1413
01:02:38,520 --> 01:02:41,240
Speaker 1: Sometimes you just have to keep it moving. Yeah, because,

1414
01:02:41,280 --> 01:02:43,280
Speaker 1: like I said, I've definitely been with partners in the

1415
01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:45,200
Speaker 1: past who are like very offended.

1416
01:02:45,480 --> 01:02:45,760
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1417
01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:47,280
Speaker 3: I spent my twenties performing.

1418
01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:51,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. It was actress Oscar nominated actress.

1419
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:54,040
Speaker 4: You're like, you think you're let me make sure this

1420
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:58,760
Speaker 4: clin it's true though, like, because we're just adapting. But

1421
01:02:58,800 --> 01:03:01,959
Speaker 4: I find that each time, each time I get older,

1422
01:03:02,000 --> 01:03:07,040
Speaker 4: each little chunk the thirties cool, forties cool. We'll see

1423
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,120
Speaker 4: how that goes. I'm not quite there yet, but I

1424
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:11,200
Speaker 4: think each time as a learning experience, and I think

1425
01:03:11,240 --> 01:03:14,080
Speaker 4: where I'm at in this journey of almost thirty six,

1426
01:03:14,600 --> 01:03:16,680
Speaker 4: I am thankful. I am thankful for the trial and

1427
01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:19,840
Speaker 4: the error. I'm thankful for finding my voice because that's

1428
01:03:19,840 --> 01:03:21,200
Speaker 4: the thing we a lot of us don't feel like

1429
01:03:21,200 --> 01:03:23,800
Speaker 4: we have it or we're scared of it. Like even

1430
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:26,680
Speaker 4: dirty talk is I'm like, never mind, I don't know.

1431
01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:28,880
Speaker 4: Oh yeah you say something, they're like, well, you're like

1432
01:03:28,920 --> 01:03:33,600
Speaker 4: not what that's weird? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, because someone before

1433
01:03:33,680 --> 01:03:36,680
Speaker 4: has shamed you. Yeah, and so you're like trying to

1434
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:38,600
Speaker 4: work new things out. It's kind of like a kind

1435
01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:40,439
Speaker 4: of like a comedy set and you're like that joked

1436
01:03:40,480 --> 01:03:44,680
Speaker 4: in land? Yes, what about is that that was dirt?

1437
01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:49,320
Speaker 4: You like that one nailed? Right? Like, let sex be fun.

1438
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:51,720
Speaker 4: I think sex should come with laughter. If we're not

1439
01:03:51,800 --> 01:03:54,520
Speaker 4: laughing when we're having sex, I'm out, yeah, I'm like,

1440
01:03:54,880 --> 01:03:57,320
Speaker 4: you just fell. How was that not supposed to laugh?

1441
01:03:57,440 --> 01:03:57,640
Speaker 1: Yeah?

1442
01:03:57,680 --> 01:04:00,880
Speaker 4: I gotta cry up, we can. We've all had the cramps.

1443
01:04:00,880 --> 01:04:02,720
Speaker 4: I'm like, maybe we should take a water break because

1444
01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:05,320
Speaker 4: and rub me. Like I think it should be fun.

1445
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:08,800
Speaker 4: So I'm having fun sex now, I'm having intentional fun sex.

1446
01:04:09,040 --> 01:04:12,760
Speaker 3: And it's messy sometimes and it's imperfect. Oh yeah, that's.

1447
01:04:12,560 --> 01:04:15,160
Speaker 4: Okay, Yeah, absolutely, I want it that way. Yeah, And

1448
01:04:15,240 --> 01:04:16,360
Speaker 4: like if it's perfect, I'm.

1449
01:04:16,160 --> 01:04:18,720
Speaker 3: Like, what I had are we with an X? And

1450
01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:21,240
Speaker 3: it was and it was a robotic relationship.

1451
01:04:21,720 --> 01:04:23,800
Speaker 4: That's what we ais what's perfect set?

1452
01:04:23,920 --> 01:04:26,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was like we both looked great the whole

1453
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:29,800
Speaker 2: time and I'm like what and then I never felt comfortable.

1454
01:04:29,920 --> 01:04:31,360
Speaker 4: Yeah, you know you're like, why don't want to fuck

1455
01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:31,640
Speaker 4: up this?

1456
01:04:34,720 --> 01:04:34,880
Speaker 3: Right?

1457
01:04:34,960 --> 01:04:37,480
Speaker 4: Like you get into your head? Yeah, because that is

1458
01:04:37,520 --> 01:04:38,560
Speaker 4: our biggest sex or kid.

1459
01:04:39,440 --> 01:04:41,040
Speaker 1: So we have to get out of our head and

1460
01:04:41,120 --> 01:04:41,840
Speaker 1: into our body.

1461
01:04:42,720 --> 01:04:45,280
Speaker 4: There's a lot of steps, but it doesn't have to be.

1462
01:04:45,520 --> 01:04:47,720
Speaker 2: Yah, and find partners who can be there with us

1463
01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:49,960
Speaker 2: on that journey and like trying.

1464
01:04:50,160 --> 01:04:51,280
Speaker 3: You know, no one's going to get it.

1465
01:04:51,240 --> 01:04:53,880
Speaker 2: Perfect and read their cues perfectly every time, but like,

1466
01:04:53,880 --> 01:04:55,760
Speaker 2: at least be trying and talking about it.

1467
01:04:55,880 --> 01:04:58,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, even with the hookup culture, right, Like you can

1468
01:04:58,880 --> 01:05:02,480
Speaker 4: still have those convers beforehand. Just make it fun, like

1469
01:05:02,520 --> 01:05:04,720
Speaker 4: what do you like? What are you into? Oh, let

1470
01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:06,600
Speaker 4: me tell you what I'm not into. Don't do these things.

1471
01:05:06,640 --> 01:05:08,200
Speaker 4: If you do these things, I'll probably keep you in

1472
01:05:08,200 --> 01:05:10,400
Speaker 4: the throat and they go, okay, cool, I won't do it.

1473
01:05:10,440 --> 01:05:14,280
Speaker 3: Honestly, I love Jack and I aren't Field. I hope no.

1474
01:05:14,280 --> 01:05:16,000
Speaker 3: None of his family members are listening.

1475
01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:20,800
Speaker 1: And see you Yeah really I know her.

1476
01:05:20,880 --> 01:05:22,360
Speaker 4: I see my friends all the time. I'm like, I

1477
01:05:22,480 --> 01:05:24,720
Speaker 4: see I know, I screenshots.

1478
01:05:24,200 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: We're just looking so far. But what I do love

1479
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:28,520
Speaker 2: about it is that everyone just says what they like.

1480
01:05:28,640 --> 01:05:30,520
Speaker 2: They say what they like, they say what they don't like,

1481
01:05:30,560 --> 01:05:31,120
Speaker 2: and it's.

1482
01:05:31,000 --> 01:05:34,280
Speaker 4: Just out there. These put something in your profile.

1483
01:05:34,040 --> 01:05:35,520
Speaker 3: Put something in file.

1484
01:05:35,600 --> 01:05:38,560
Speaker 4: I don't know your face, and take a good photo.

1485
01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:41,120
Speaker 4: Stop with these folks. Stop putting random kids and things

1486
01:05:41,200 --> 01:05:43,200
Speaker 4: that doesn't make me feel like I want to swipe

1487
01:05:43,240 --> 01:05:45,520
Speaker 4: on you or your kids whatever. Put a photo with

1488
01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:46,880
Speaker 4: the kid, be like not mine? Then why are they

1489
01:05:46,920 --> 01:05:49,520
Speaker 4: in here? Do they know they're in your dating profile? Weirdo?

1490
01:05:49,760 --> 01:05:51,680
Speaker 3: That is strange, Like look at me.

1491
01:05:52,080 --> 01:05:55,080
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm thinking for the field and particular no

1492
01:05:55,120 --> 01:05:55,479
Speaker 1: on field.

1493
01:05:55,520 --> 01:05:57,800
Speaker 3: It's strange. I haven't I guess I can have.

1494
01:05:57,880 --> 01:06:00,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, or it'll be like a little kid they blurret

1495
01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:03,160
Speaker 4: face out no no or ex partners like no, no,

1496
01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:05,560
Speaker 4: come on, you don't have no photo. You don't have

1497
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:07,800
Speaker 4: a phone. You have a phone. Yeah, it's a new

1498
01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:10,160
Speaker 4: freaking photo, right, that's my ick.

1499
01:06:11,160 --> 01:06:12,960
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, no, I know, but I just

1500
01:06:13,040 --> 01:06:16,120
Speaker 2: I love the transparency of that. And like you know,

1501
01:06:16,160 --> 01:06:18,680
Speaker 2: we're outside of hookup culture, even in just dating culture.

1502
01:06:18,680 --> 01:06:20,120
Speaker 3: I wish that we were all doing more.

1503
01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:24,920
Speaker 4: You can be respectful, yeah, right, Like even even conversations

1504
01:06:24,960 --> 01:06:26,480
Speaker 4: with couples, Like I just opened it. I was like,

1505
01:06:26,520 --> 01:06:28,360
Speaker 4: maybe I'll look and I'm like, you guys are rude,

1506
01:06:28,800 --> 01:06:31,560
Speaker 4: but like you have the conversations of like these are

1507
01:06:31,600 --> 01:06:33,840
Speaker 4: the expectation and things we're looking for. Even if it's

1508
01:06:33,880 --> 01:06:36,920
Speaker 4: a hookup, you can still be respectful, Like you don't

1509
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:39,280
Speaker 4: have to be shitty. That's called a choice. You can

1510
01:06:39,400 --> 01:06:41,320
Speaker 4: choose to be a nice person. Be like what do

1511
01:06:41,400 --> 01:06:43,000
Speaker 4: you like? How are you not like, well, this is

1512
01:06:43,040 --> 01:06:46,320
Speaker 4: what I want to this is what we're doing. Or

1513
01:06:46,360 --> 01:06:49,360
Speaker 4: if people write on dating profiles here for a not

1514
01:06:49,440 --> 01:06:51,600
Speaker 4: a long time, here for a short time, whatever, I'm like,

1515
01:06:51,680 --> 01:06:54,280
Speaker 4: what just say here's what I'm liking. Yeah, here's what

1516
01:06:54,320 --> 01:06:56,800
Speaker 4: I'm looking for, Like not looking for anything in depth?

1517
01:06:57,040 --> 01:06:59,040
Speaker 4: I would like these kind of things. Are you into this?

1518
01:06:59,200 --> 01:07:00,640
Speaker 4: Like why do you have a make it weird?

1519
01:07:00,800 --> 01:07:01,000
Speaker 3: Yeah?

1520
01:07:01,360 --> 01:07:04,640
Speaker 4: Last comment in this men talk themselves out of pussy

1521
01:07:04,640 --> 01:07:07,920
Speaker 4: every day. That is something that I will stick by.

1522
01:07:08,120 --> 01:07:13,280
Speaker 4: What saur by not being honest right by Like why

1523
01:07:13,280 --> 01:07:16,200
Speaker 4: don't understand who taught you that? Deceit was how you

1524
01:07:16,200 --> 01:07:18,960
Speaker 4: can have sex with people? But truly, if you're like Hey,

1525
01:07:19,000 --> 01:07:21,200
Speaker 4: here's what I'm looking for. You're going to have the

1526
01:07:21,240 --> 01:07:23,320
Speaker 4: sex that you want. Don't lie to people and say

1527
01:07:23,320 --> 01:07:26,640
Speaker 4: you're looking for a relationship. Don't lie and have or

1528
01:07:26,720 --> 01:07:29,200
Speaker 4: lie and say you're polyamorous or are you just dating?

1529
01:07:29,280 --> 01:07:32,040
Speaker 4: That's another conversation. Are you polyamorous or are you dating?

1530
01:07:32,040 --> 01:07:34,200
Speaker 4: Because they are not the same. Are you non monogamous

1531
01:07:34,280 --> 01:07:35,960
Speaker 4: or are you just dating because they're not the same.

1532
01:07:36,640 --> 01:07:38,919
Speaker 4: People like to lump everything up, and I'm like, you're

1533
01:07:38,960 --> 01:07:43,720
Speaker 4: not polyamorous, you're dating, which is fine, but don't use

1534
01:07:43,840 --> 01:07:46,480
Speaker 4: me in like, well, you're polyamorous, you clearly have like

1535
01:07:46,560 --> 01:07:48,480
Speaker 4: multiple partners. So this is the thing. I'm like, I'm

1536
01:07:48,480 --> 01:07:51,480
Speaker 4: polyamorous because I like connection and relationships with people, and

1537
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:55,360
Speaker 4: I can maintain multiple styles and types of relationships. If

1538
01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:57,680
Speaker 4: you just want to fuck around, don't invest the time

1539
01:07:57,680 --> 01:08:00,680
Speaker 4: and energy because that's not who I am, right, So yeah,

1540
01:08:00,680 --> 01:08:02,600
Speaker 4: and I think that's what I mean. People talk themselves

1541
01:08:02,640 --> 01:08:04,920
Speaker 4: out of it, like, if you're honest, you'll probably have

1542
01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:07,000
Speaker 4: the things that you want and not have to deal

1543
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:07,720
Speaker 4: with bad karma.

1544
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:08,440
Speaker 1: Important.

1545
01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:13,360
Speaker 2: So do you have any Well, obviously there's your organization,

1546
01:08:13,600 --> 01:08:17,919
Speaker 2: which is tending the garden. What other resources are available

1547
01:08:18,040 --> 01:08:21,200
Speaker 2: for survivors who are out there who maybe haven't gotten

1548
01:08:21,200 --> 01:08:21,880
Speaker 2: the help that they need.

1549
01:08:22,000 --> 01:08:25,320
Speaker 4: Unfortunately, it's not a lot of them. I will say

1550
01:08:25,360 --> 01:08:29,160
Speaker 4: this that I do always recommend looking at places in

1551
01:08:29,200 --> 01:08:32,559
Speaker 4: your area because they might be more curated to what

1552
01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:35,040
Speaker 4: your needs are based on location, they might have more

1553
01:08:35,040 --> 01:08:39,639
Speaker 4: affordable things. Most places, even small places, have a little center.

1554
01:08:39,880 --> 01:08:42,639
Speaker 4: Find out what's in your area, and then expand and

1555
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:45,960
Speaker 4: be when you were doing your Google Google searches, because

1556
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:49,040
Speaker 4: Google's free, that's our good girlfriend. Be very specific in

1557
01:08:49,080 --> 01:08:51,920
Speaker 4: what you're searching for because that is our gateway to

1558
01:08:52,080 --> 01:08:54,400
Speaker 4: like all these different areas. Social media, it's not as

1559
01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:56,760
Speaker 4: great as it used to be. I wish it was,

1560
01:08:56,920 --> 01:09:00,120
Speaker 4: Like I wish had hashtags. We're still as thriving as

1561
01:09:00,160 --> 01:09:03,559
Speaker 4: they were. They still work, though. I think that's very helpful.

1562
01:09:03,760 --> 01:09:06,040
Speaker 4: Even reading a book, like one of my favorite books

1563
01:09:06,160 --> 01:09:08,280
Speaker 4: that I talk about is not The Body Keeps the

1564
01:09:08,320 --> 01:09:10,880
Speaker 4: Score because he's problematic. Y'all didn't know. Fun fact, here

1565
01:09:10,920 --> 01:09:15,599
Speaker 4: you are, but the Tao of Trauma. Tao of Trauma

1566
01:09:15,680 --> 01:09:18,600
Speaker 4: because it mixes Western and Eastern and I think for

1567
01:09:18,680 --> 01:09:21,840
Speaker 4: a lot of people it allows your brain to go, oh,

1568
01:09:21,920 --> 01:09:24,040
Speaker 4: I'm supposed to also feel the things. I don't need

1569
01:09:24,040 --> 01:09:25,640
Speaker 4: to run from them. I have to learn how to

1570
01:09:25,760 --> 01:09:28,639
Speaker 4: navigate some of it to go through, versus a lot

1571
01:09:28,640 --> 01:09:31,840
Speaker 4: of Western is like here's this medication, Yeah, here's the numb.

1572
01:09:32,320 --> 01:09:34,920
Speaker 1: The OCD treatment was very focused on like feel it,

1573
01:09:35,320 --> 01:09:35,960
Speaker 1: let it be there.

1574
01:09:36,200 --> 01:09:39,720
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, because you you can avoid it all day

1575
01:09:39,840 --> 01:09:41,840
Speaker 4: and it's going to be like still here waiting on

1576
01:09:41,920 --> 01:09:44,519
Speaker 4: you girls. The body done, Yeah, the body keeps.

1577
01:09:44,520 --> 01:09:46,920
Speaker 1: The score always makes me laugh because I don't know

1578
01:09:46,960 --> 01:09:49,640
Speaker 1: in what ways he's problematic, But the problematic for me

1579
01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:52,799
Speaker 1: is he's like she was in a horrific car accident,

1580
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:55,360
Speaker 1: and it's just like so much trauma in the book

1581
01:09:55,479 --> 01:09:58,479
Speaker 1: that's making me feel traumatized while reading the book, and

1582
01:09:58,520 --> 01:10:03,120
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm you're like, oh huh, how effect happened?

1583
01:10:03,479 --> 01:10:07,200
Speaker 4: I'm going to release this book like a very scary book.

1584
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:11,240
Speaker 4: Sometimes I think that being able to look at like

1585
01:10:11,360 --> 01:10:13,960
Speaker 4: all sides of it. And I think it's also just

1586
01:10:14,240 --> 01:10:16,400
Speaker 4: the way that it's written. You're like, oh, you've thought

1587
01:10:16,400 --> 01:10:19,320
Speaker 4: about other people like I think when he talks about it,

1588
01:10:19,360 --> 01:10:21,960
Speaker 4: I think he's very educational. This isn't a dragon a

1589
01:10:21,960 --> 01:10:25,240
Speaker 4: little drug. I think he knows things. But also are

1590
01:10:25,280 --> 01:10:26,880
Speaker 4: his ideas his right.

1591
01:10:26,920 --> 01:10:30,400
Speaker 2: Well, he he's like an aggregator basically of other people's.

1592
01:10:30,120 --> 01:10:31,040
Speaker 3: Work pretty much.

1593
01:10:31,200 --> 01:10:34,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, just to note here, if you've experienced sexual trauma

1594
01:10:34,040 --> 01:10:36,120
Speaker 2: and you feel it's impacting your life, it's always a

1595
01:10:36,120 --> 01:10:38,360
Speaker 2: good idea to talk to a mental health professional about it,

1596
01:10:38,439 --> 01:10:42,000
Speaker 2: preferably one who specializes in trauma. This field in psychology

1597
01:10:42,040 --> 01:10:44,360
Speaker 2: is still so new to so like.

1598
01:10:44,960 --> 01:10:46,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, like we we are.

1599
01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:48,200
Speaker 2: I feel like we are currently as a culture kind

1600
01:10:48,240 --> 01:10:50,280
Speaker 2: of taking that book as bible, and it's like.

1601
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:51,240
Speaker 3: There's so much.

1602
01:10:51,160 --> 01:10:53,240
Speaker 4: More to learn, expand. Shit in that book's going.

1603
01:10:53,200 --> 01:10:54,920
Speaker 2: To be debunked. Shit in that book's going to be

1604
01:10:54,960 --> 01:10:57,920
Speaker 2: expanded upon. Like there's it's so new, there's just so

1605
01:10:58,000 --> 01:10:58,880
Speaker 2: much to come.

1606
01:10:59,040 --> 01:11:03,439
Speaker 4: I always say an anything, I can't wait anything that

1607
01:11:03,560 --> 01:11:07,040
Speaker 4: I say, or anyone else that you read, We are human.

1608
01:11:07,439 --> 01:11:10,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, take what works for you and leave the rest totally.

1609
01:11:10,120 --> 01:11:12,719
Speaker 4: Even in my classes, I'm like, look, I'm a stranger, bitch.

1610
01:11:12,960 --> 01:11:14,599
Speaker 4: You don't know me. Maybe you've seen me on the internet,

1611
01:11:14,640 --> 01:11:16,479
Speaker 4: but you don't know me. Take what feels good for

1612
01:11:16,560 --> 01:11:18,439
Speaker 4: you and you're like, oh, this makes sense. Let me

1613
01:11:18,560 --> 01:11:20,960
Speaker 4: expand on this more. And then if it doesn't You're

1614
01:11:21,000 --> 01:11:23,519
Speaker 4: like absolutely not, Jim, and I'm like, cool, leave it there.

1615
01:11:23,760 --> 01:11:25,599
Speaker 4: It wasn't for you. Maybe someone else goes, oh my god,

1616
01:11:25,600 --> 01:11:27,599
Speaker 4: I've been waiting for this, right yeah, And I think

1617
01:11:27,640 --> 01:11:31,000
Speaker 4: that's okay to give ourselves permission to grab what we need,

1618
01:11:31,360 --> 01:11:33,719
Speaker 4: like a farmer's market. Ooh those look cute. Not those,

1619
01:11:33,840 --> 01:11:34,880
Speaker 4: but that mm hmmm.

1620
01:11:35,200 --> 01:11:36,719
Speaker 3: Totally. Everyone's path is different.

1621
01:11:36,760 --> 01:11:39,120
Speaker 4: There's always people that listen to like a podcast or

1622
01:11:39,120 --> 01:11:41,840
Speaker 4: conversation that I do, which I think is amazing, and

1623
01:11:41,920 --> 01:11:44,280
Speaker 4: I love this. I think it's always a privilege for

1624
01:11:44,360 --> 01:11:46,280
Speaker 4: me when people are like, we saw you, can you

1625
01:11:46,280 --> 01:11:49,320
Speaker 4: come talk to us? And I'm like, sure, I guess.

1626
01:11:50,520 --> 01:11:53,519
Speaker 4: But I think there's also this seeing of like I

1627
01:11:53,560 --> 01:11:56,320
Speaker 4: am a survivor in many different forms, right, Like I

1628
01:11:56,360 --> 01:11:58,960
Speaker 4: am a true crime survivor, technically I am a rape survivor,

1629
01:11:59,000 --> 01:12:01,360
Speaker 4: I am a domestic violence and right from these things,

1630
01:12:01,520 --> 01:12:02,960
Speaker 4: and people are like, well, I want to do that too,

1631
01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:05,000
Speaker 4: right Like I want to do this work. I also

1632
01:12:05,080 --> 01:12:07,679
Speaker 4: want to help people, and I think that that is great,

1633
01:12:08,240 --> 01:12:10,240
Speaker 4: and I think, figure out what works for you. You're not

1634
01:12:10,240 --> 01:12:11,680
Speaker 4: going to be me. I'm not gonna be you. I'm

1635
01:12:11,680 --> 01:12:13,439
Speaker 4: not gonna be you. So I think being able to

1636
01:12:13,479 --> 01:12:15,640
Speaker 4: take that off the table and bean like, where do

1637
01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:17,640
Speaker 4: you fit into this work? Because I think a lot

1638
01:12:17,640 --> 01:12:20,000
Speaker 4: of people want to show up. What does that feel like?

1639
01:12:20,160 --> 01:12:23,960
Speaker 4: I instantly started working in the field that's not for everybody, right,

1640
01:12:24,040 --> 01:12:26,559
Speaker 4: Like making sure what feels good for you, I think

1641
01:12:26,680 --> 01:12:29,080
Speaker 4: is really important to this work because we're all needed.

1642
01:12:30,240 --> 01:12:32,000
Speaker 4: And that's one of the things I always like to

1643
01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:33,600
Speaker 4: talk about is people are like, well, I want to

1644
01:12:33,600 --> 01:12:35,639
Speaker 4: do this. I want to help people because I was harmed,

1645
01:12:35,680 --> 01:12:37,880
Speaker 4: And I'm like, okay, but what does that mean? Because

1646
01:12:37,960 --> 01:12:41,920
Speaker 4: oftentimes people get into working with other survivors to navigate

1647
01:12:41,920 --> 01:12:46,680
Speaker 4: their own shit, right, right, which in turn is harmful. Right.

1648
01:12:46,800 --> 01:12:48,559
Speaker 4: I've Also what you don't see is I've been in

1649
01:12:48,600 --> 01:12:52,080
Speaker 4: school forever. I do trainings, like I got multiple degrees,

1650
01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:55,120
Speaker 4: which has allowed me to work in true crime now

1651
01:12:55,280 --> 01:12:58,320
Speaker 4: on sets with survivors and supporting them to work in

1652
01:12:58,360 --> 01:13:02,240
Speaker 4: wrestling now. Like to turn my passion with the thing

1653
01:13:02,280 --> 01:13:03,640
Speaker 4: that I love to be able to show up with

1654
01:13:03,640 --> 01:13:05,880
Speaker 4: those people because I care. But it's a lot of work.

1655
01:13:06,160 --> 01:13:08,519
Speaker 4: So I don't want people to see the Internet and

1656
01:13:08,520 --> 01:13:09,840
Speaker 4: be like, ooh, look at all these posts and all

1657
01:13:09,880 --> 01:13:12,080
Speaker 4: these things. But there's been a lot of hard work.

1658
01:13:12,120 --> 01:13:14,000
Speaker 4: So if you do want to do this work, figure

1659
01:13:14,000 --> 01:13:16,120
Speaker 4: out what you want to do, who your population is,

1660
01:13:16,360 --> 01:13:18,320
Speaker 4: who you are, right, Like, you can keep working on

1661
01:13:18,360 --> 01:13:21,479
Speaker 4: yourself in therapy now, but before you start trying to

1662
01:13:21,520 --> 01:13:26,920
Speaker 4: help people, because TikTok is outlandish. Oh yeah, honey, everybody's

1663
01:13:26,920 --> 01:13:30,160
Speaker 4: a healer. Be mindful of what you are putting into

1664
01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:31,880
Speaker 4: the world and how it might be received, if it's

1665
01:13:31,880 --> 01:13:33,080
Speaker 4: helpful or actually harmful.

1666
01:13:33,240 --> 01:13:36,360
Speaker 2: I think that's, yeah, a really important point. I think

1667
01:13:36,400 --> 01:13:40,000
Speaker 2: people are in a rush to like make meaning out

1668
01:13:40,040 --> 01:13:42,920
Speaker 2: of their trauma, so they start giving advice when they

1669
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:48,519
Speaker 2: aren't necessarily completely informed or educated. And you know, like

1670
01:13:48,560 --> 01:13:52,120
Speaker 2: connecting with other people is really important, but also maybe heal.

1671
01:13:52,280 --> 01:13:55,880
Speaker 4: Before, maybe navigate what's happening for you. And I just

1672
01:13:55,920 --> 01:13:58,960
Speaker 4: said this because I finally noted out loud that my

1673
01:13:59,080 --> 01:14:00,680
Speaker 4: dad had died, and I was like, I always do

1674
01:14:00,720 --> 01:14:03,040
Speaker 4: like a cheeky videos. Sometimes I'll do a cheek video

1675
01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,720
Speaker 4: and I'm like, my dad died. Here's what I learned,

1676
01:14:04,720 --> 01:14:06,760
Speaker 4: And I'm like, I didn't learn shit. Yeah, everything's not

1677
01:14:06,800 --> 01:14:07,519
Speaker 4: a learning lesson.

1678
01:14:07,560 --> 01:14:08,320
Speaker 3: I loved that video.

1679
01:14:09,400 --> 01:14:11,400
Speaker 4: Everything's not a learning lesson though, And I think that's

1680
01:14:11,400 --> 01:14:14,040
Speaker 4: the honest thing. Like everything doesn't have to go straight

1681
01:14:14,080 --> 01:14:16,439
Speaker 4: to the internet. Everything doesn't have to go to Twitter,

1682
01:14:16,439 --> 01:14:17,800
Speaker 4: doesn't have to go to TikTok, doesn't have.

1683
01:14:17,720 --> 01:14:19,480
Speaker 1: To go to Instagram, doesn't have to be inspiring.

1684
01:14:19,800 --> 01:14:20,320
Speaker 4: It doesn't.

1685
01:14:20,600 --> 01:14:22,639
Speaker 3: Sometimes life just sucks, doesn't it.

1686
01:14:23,479 --> 01:14:26,080
Speaker 4: Sometimes it's just shit. Yeah, Like you're like, how are you?

1687
01:14:26,400 --> 01:14:28,559
Speaker 4: I don't know? Yeah, And that just might be so

1688
01:14:28,680 --> 01:14:31,040
Speaker 4: in the same thing with doing this work. Maybe it's

1689
01:14:31,080 --> 01:14:33,200
Speaker 4: not the ways that you think it's gonna go, but

1690
01:14:33,280 --> 01:14:34,720
Speaker 4: allow yourself to show up in the ways that you

1691
01:14:34,800 --> 01:14:35,080
Speaker 4: want to.

1692
01:14:35,880 --> 01:14:36,240
Speaker 3: Love it.

1693
01:14:36,439 --> 01:14:36,760
Speaker 4: Love it.

1694
01:14:36,880 --> 01:14:38,400
Speaker 3: Where can people find you on social media?

1695
01:14:38,640 --> 01:14:41,880
Speaker 4: Yes, Jim Anika, there is just one of me everywhere,

1696
01:14:42,439 --> 01:14:47,200
Speaker 4: and so Jim Anika everywhere Twitter, Instagram, Twitter, It's less

1697
01:14:47,200 --> 01:14:49,439
Speaker 4: wrestling tasks since I now work for a wrestling company,

1698
01:14:50,840 --> 01:14:55,120
Speaker 4: but it's fun Twitter, Instagram, I am on TikTok, Jim

1699
01:14:55,160 --> 01:14:57,160
Speaker 4: the gem it is just messy. I'm probably judging someone's

1700
01:14:57,200 --> 01:15:00,920
Speaker 4: food and then tanning the garden for like the number

1701
01:15:01,120 --> 01:15:04,840
Speaker 4: sas where we talk about the subscription services, the other

1702
01:15:04,880 --> 01:15:07,640
Speaker 4: services that we offer, and how we support those that

1703
01:15:07,640 --> 01:15:10,040
Speaker 4: have been more marginalized, what our events are coming up.

1704
01:15:10,200 --> 01:15:11,439
Speaker 4: That is the places to go.

1705
01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:14,400
Speaker 3: And your name is j I am A N E

1706
01:15:14,560 --> 01:15:16,160
Speaker 3: K I A nine letters.

1707
01:15:16,240 --> 01:15:18,519
Speaker 4: Yep. If you type in the first four, I'll probably

1708
01:15:18,560 --> 01:15:21,679
Speaker 4: pop up Jim, that'll pop up awesome.

1709
01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:23,120
Speaker 3: Thanks so much for joining.

1710
01:15:22,840 --> 01:15:24,240
Speaker 4: Us, Thank you for having me. This is fun.

1711
01:15:24,360 --> 01:15:26,840
Speaker 3: Okay, that was Jiminica. I fucking love Jaminica.

1712
01:15:26,960 --> 01:15:27,599
Speaker 1: She's so cool.

1713
01:15:28,280 --> 01:15:30,280
Speaker 3: I don't really have a question for you. I have

1714
01:15:30,320 --> 01:15:30,799
Speaker 3: a comment.

1715
01:15:30,960 --> 01:15:31,559
Speaker 4: I have a thought.

1716
01:15:31,760 --> 01:15:32,360
Speaker 1: What is it?

1717
01:15:32,800 --> 01:15:36,120
Speaker 2: Well, I think it's highly unrealistic to expect anyone to

1718
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:39,240
Speaker 2: not you know, we're always gonna check out a little

1719
01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,320
Speaker 2: bit during sex sometimes because the brain.

1720
01:15:41,560 --> 01:15:42,599
Speaker 3: That's what the brain does.

1721
01:15:42,760 --> 01:15:46,479
Speaker 1: Okay, not a tailor swift concert but or.

1722
01:15:46,520 --> 01:15:50,200
Speaker 2: Is that pure checking out the questions we ask car

1723
01:15:51,360 --> 01:15:54,240
Speaker 2: So but I, you know, like, obviously yes if you're

1724
01:15:54,280 --> 01:15:56,960
Speaker 2: having a trigger response like do not continue to have sex.

1725
01:15:57,320 --> 01:16:00,760
Speaker 2: But sometimes I'll have just like an intrusive thought during

1726
01:16:00,760 --> 01:16:02,680
Speaker 2: the process of sex, and I like to view it

1727
01:16:02,720 --> 01:16:06,320
Speaker 2: as meditation when that happens, because I'm like, it's okay,

1728
01:16:06,560 --> 01:16:07,759
Speaker 2: just come back to the present.

1729
01:16:08,080 --> 01:16:09,560
Speaker 3: Just come back to the present.

1730
01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:12,080
Speaker 2: Because if I let every thought that popped into my

1731
01:16:12,160 --> 01:16:14,680
Speaker 2: head like disrupt the act of sex, I don't think

1732
01:16:14,720 --> 01:16:17,040
Speaker 2: I would get through sex ever, and it's not a

1733
01:16:17,080 --> 01:16:17,680
Speaker 2: trauma thing.

1734
01:16:17,760 --> 01:16:20,120
Speaker 3: It's just literally like, oh, here's a weird image you

1735
01:16:20,120 --> 01:16:21,840
Speaker 3: don't want to think about while you're fucking you know,

1736
01:16:23,479 --> 01:16:24,360
Speaker 3: don't you don't have that?

1737
01:16:24,920 --> 01:16:28,400
Speaker 1: I mean I totally of course. I mean like I'll

1738
01:16:28,439 --> 01:16:30,240
Speaker 1: be like, oh shit, I need to wash my car.

1739
01:16:30,520 --> 01:16:32,840
Speaker 1: I'm just not sure if you're saying like you'll have

1740
01:16:33,000 --> 01:16:36,680
Speaker 1: some of your OCD responses come up, which obviously me

1741
01:16:36,920 --> 01:16:39,839
Speaker 1: washing my car doesn't pull up any red flags, but

1742
01:16:39,920 --> 01:16:42,639
Speaker 1: maybe if you're like, oh my god, I'm I'm gonna

1743
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:46,120
Speaker 1: go crazy, you could see that as like I should

1744
01:16:46,120 --> 01:16:48,280
Speaker 1: stop having sex, But you don't really have to. It's

1745
01:16:48,320 --> 01:16:49,640
Speaker 1: just an OCD thought popping up.

1746
01:16:49,760 --> 01:16:51,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean like whatever, many of my

1747
01:16:51,880 --> 01:16:53,840
Speaker 2: friends will, like, you know, we'll have in truth of

1748
01:16:53,880 --> 01:16:55,439
Speaker 2: thoughts about like what's the worst thing I could think

1749
01:16:55,479 --> 01:16:57,479
Speaker 2: about in this exact moment, or like what's the worst

1750
01:16:57,520 --> 01:16:59,519
Speaker 2: thing that could happen in this exact moment, and like

1751
01:16:59,560 --> 01:17:02,760
Speaker 2: that thought will come and anyway, all I'm saying is

1752
01:17:02,800 --> 01:17:05,720
Speaker 2: like it can also it's like met its mindfulness, you know,

1753
01:17:05,840 --> 01:17:07,440
Speaker 2: or you just come back to the present.

1754
01:17:10,520 --> 01:17:13,280
Speaker 3: Got it exactly? Yeah, just because.

1755
01:17:12,960 --> 01:17:15,240
Speaker 2: You know, for me, it's not realistic to stop every

1756
01:17:15,280 --> 01:17:19,200
Speaker 2: single time because my brain been doing stuff but that.

1757
01:17:19,280 --> 01:17:22,240
Speaker 2: But yeah, once again, do not This is not met

1758
01:17:22,280 --> 01:17:25,360
Speaker 2: at all. This is not medical advice. This is just

1759
01:17:25,400 --> 01:17:27,720
Speaker 2: my experience. Do you have anything to add to that?

1760
01:17:28,360 --> 01:17:30,280
Speaker 1: I mean no, I think we I think we covered

1761
01:17:30,400 --> 01:17:32,920
Speaker 1: I think we covered it all. So thanks you guys

1762
01:17:33,000 --> 01:17:35,640
Speaker 1: for listening to another episode what uh?

1763
01:17:35,920 --> 01:17:38,840
Speaker 2: And just as a reminder, if anyone listening has experienced

1764
01:17:38,840 --> 01:17:41,839
Speaker 2: sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone

1765
01:17:41,880 --> 01:17:44,840
Speaker 2: Hotline at eight hundred and sixty five six hope or

1766
01:17:44,880 --> 01:17:47,360
Speaker 2: go to rain. That's two ends our ai n N

1767
01:17:47,560 --> 01:17:48,040
Speaker 2: dot org.

1768
01:17:48,120 --> 01:17:50,280
Speaker 3: And as always, we always recommend.

1769
01:17:49,840 --> 01:17:52,120
Speaker 2: Getting support from a mental health professional if that's where

1770
01:17:52,120 --> 01:17:52,400
Speaker 2: you're at.

1771
01:17:52,560 --> 01:17:55,479
Speaker 1: Absolutely, thank you guys so much for joining us this

1772
01:17:55,560 --> 01:17:58,720
Speaker 1: week for another episode of trust Me. Follow us, rate

1773
01:17:58,800 --> 01:18:02,320
Speaker 1: us five stars wherever you can, and as always, remember

1774
01:18:02,360 --> 01:18:04,760
Speaker 1: to follow your gut, watch out for Red Flaggs, and

1775
01:18:04,880 --> 01:18:06,920
Speaker 1: never ever trust me.

1776
01:18:07,240 --> 01:18:07,880
Speaker 3: Hey later.

1777
01:18:11,880 --> 01:18:14,599
Speaker 2: Trust Me as produced by Kirsten Woodward, Gabby Rapp and

1778
01:18:14,640 --> 01:18:15,960
Speaker 2: Steve Delamator.

1779
01:18:15,600 --> 01:18:18,200
Speaker 1: With special thanks to Stacy Para, and our theme song

1780
01:18:18,280 --> 01:18:20,800
Speaker 1: was composed by Holly amber Church. You can find us

1781
01:18:20,800 --> 01:18:24,320
Speaker 1: on Instagram at trust Me Podcast Twitter at trust Me

1782
01:18:24,479 --> 01:18:28,240
Speaker 1: Cult pod or on TikTok at trust Me Cult Podcast.

1783
01:18:28,400 --> 01:18:31,800
Speaker 2: I'm Oola Lola on Instagram and Ola Lola on Twitter.

1784
01:18:31,479 --> 01:18:35,080
Speaker 1: And I am Megan Elizabeth eleven on Instagram and Debraham

1785
01:18:35,240 --> 01:18:36,280
Speaker 1: Hicks on Twitter.

1786
01:18:36,439 --> 01:18:38,759
Speaker 3: Remember to rate and review and spread the word.