WEBVTT - How Your Relationship can survive Quarantine 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.480 Hey, fam, I'm Jada Pinkett Smith and this is the 0:00:02.480 --> 0:00:05.840 Red Table Pop podcast, all your favorite episodes from the 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.040 Facebook Watch show in audio produced by Westbrook Audio and 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:13.120 I Heart Radio. Please don't forget to rate and review 0:00:13.440 --> 0:00:18.200 on Apple podcasts. On this Red Table Talk, it's challenging. 0:00:18.520 --> 0:00:22.240 You're forced and look at things differently. For couples feeling 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:25.840 the pressure in quarantine, I go straight to fight help 0:00:25.920 --> 0:00:31.280 from world renowned intimacy expert our personal counselor for Will 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:35.279 and I both Mikhaela Bone Assume the best and not 0:00:35.440 --> 0:00:42.080 the worst. Understand Listen be quiet. Fame pastor John Gray 0:00:42.080 --> 0:00:45.960 opens up about his marriage. I have been forced into intimacy. 0:00:46.159 --> 0:00:51.599 This quarantine life is super hard. I definitely have control issues. 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:54.400 One of the things that I realize is that I 0:00:54.480 --> 0:00:58.160 don't know Will at all. How your relationship can survive 0:00:58.200 --> 0:01:09.679 the coronavirus pandemic quarantine. I don't my Borkini, honey, And 0:01:09.760 --> 0:01:13.279 it looks fabulous, darling, fabulous. I'm excited about this topic 0:01:13.319 --> 0:01:18.120 today for sure. Definitely. Yeah, I'm really excited about this 0:01:18.160 --> 0:01:20.400 Red Table today. You're going to meet a woman who 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:25.520 has been counseling Will and myself for years. This pandemic 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:29.120 is causing serious damage to many partnerships, and the force 0:01:29.240 --> 0:01:32.840 togetherness is like living in a pressure cooker and pushing 0:01:33.000 --> 0:01:36.080 many couples over the edge. Did you guys hear about 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:39.160 that tweet going around on Twitter that says you can't 0:01:39.200 --> 0:01:43.200 spell divorce without COVID? Did? I refused to be worried 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:48.120 about spelling divorce anymore in my lifetime. So, yeah, you've 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:51.520 had enough enough divorce. So I'm just in the place. 0:01:51.520 --> 0:01:54.840 I'm just like, I just want peace. Yeah, and anyway 0:01:54.880 --> 0:01:57.240 you can do that. Just like today I needed a 0:01:57.320 --> 0:01:59.760 reason like getting up and having to come to this 0:01:59.800 --> 0:02:01.880 table able. I said, we would make you feel good. 0:02:02.080 --> 0:02:04.360 I want to feel like I'm going to the beach, 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:08.120 put on our babe in soon and you look beautiful. 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:12.000 Let me just say a little overall like because I 0:02:12.040 --> 0:02:14.880 was like, baby, whatever you need to do to feel 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:18.240 good about what is happening today, do it. You know. 0:02:18.480 --> 0:02:21.000 I find that's really helpful for me to just like 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:24.359 take a little moment for myself. Yeah, Nanny and I 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:28.600 are really good with giving each other space and time. 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:31.640 That's one of the biggest things. Yeah, to help us 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:36.519 navigate our relationship challenges. During the pandemic is author, teacher, 0:02:37.520 --> 0:02:45.840 counselor our personal counselor for Will and I both got 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:51.440 to include that exactly. MICHAELA Bone, Hey, MICHAELA. Welcome to 0:02:51.520 --> 0:02:54.400 the time. Oh I wish you could actually be here, 0:02:54.560 --> 0:03:01.760 but welcome, MICHAELA. Thank you. MICHAELA works personally helping couples 0:03:01.919 --> 0:03:07.000 and people navigate through their issues. Mackayla, let me ask this. 0:03:07.280 --> 0:03:12.000 I definitely have control issues. I think Jada probably does too, 0:03:12.280 --> 0:03:15.200 and so I'm finding that that is really kicking in 0:03:15.280 --> 0:03:20.000 for me, Like being in this coronavirus pandemic has kind 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:23.640 of thrown me back into that wanting to control everything. 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:27.200 I also think sometimes when you're just under stress, like 0:03:27.280 --> 0:03:32.120 those underlying feelings get in hand enhanced to All human 0:03:32.160 --> 0:03:36.280 beings have a built in nervous system response that is fight, 0:03:36.320 --> 0:03:39.880 flight or freeze, right, So when the going gets tough, 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:43.800 our nervous system kicks into survival. When you're in the 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:47.920 fight response, you're not only going to be more aggressive 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:51.880 than you but also more controlling. It becomes super important 0:03:51.920 --> 0:03:55.840 that your environment is being managed and controlled and so 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:59.720 that you are creating safety for yourself and those around. 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:03.720 That's a flight response. Essentially, then there's people who tend 0:04:03.760 --> 0:04:08.440 towards flight. They want to they want to go away, 0:04:08.520 --> 0:04:13.760 they want space by themselves. They get really afraid, fearful, anxious. 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:17.359 So that's the flight response, and then the flight response 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:21.080 you kind of just want to receive and you get 0:04:21.360 --> 0:04:26.760 very nervous. Freeze is a different thing, because freeze makes 0:04:26.800 --> 0:04:31.480 you look like you're okay m hm. They are very rational, 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:37.320 but they're keep it off and that's actually the hardest 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:40.400 to deal with because it's the hardest to spot. They 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:44.640 can't listen properly anymore, they don't comprehend what you're saying. 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:49.440 You think they're not totally there. They might bump themselves, 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:54.240 so stumble war injury themselves. They're slower, they don't connect 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:58.240 as deeply as they usually can. But that's hard to spot. 0:04:58.720 --> 0:05:01.720 That's an interesting Yeah, is an interesting one. Yeah. I'm 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:05.120 definitely in a position of just having to that control 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:08.559 that you were talking about, because I go straight to fight. 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:14.520 As MICHAELA knows, I'm really kind of in a position 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:18.680 where that is really not the option, you know what 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:22.520 I mean, and having to really just take a breath, 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:25.200 take a minute, sit on my hands before I say 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:29.440 or do anything, recognizing I'm in fight, so be quiet, 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:33.880 don't say anything. Then just giving myself time until I 0:05:33.880 --> 0:05:37.960 can get into a different space. But and and really 0:05:38.000 --> 0:05:42.119 having to talk myself down from there's no controlling, there's 0:05:42.200 --> 0:05:45.919 nothing to conquer and beat. This is about understanding. So 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:48.440 that's that's the mantra I've been trying to give myself, 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:57.720 MICHAELA understand, Understand, Listen, listen, be quiet, be quiet. All right, 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:01.120 Well let's open it up for questions. So thousands of 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:04.120 people around the nation come to see Pastor John Gray 0:06:04.200 --> 0:06:07.040 speak and give counsel. But he and his wife Aventer 0:06:07.560 --> 0:06:11.760 needs some counsel themselves during this pandemic, just like the 0:06:11.839 --> 0:06:16.400 rest of us. During their nearly tenure marriage, John Gray 0:06:16.440 --> 0:06:19.200 has become one of the most popular pastors in America, 0:06:19.760 --> 0:06:22.760 known for his candid sermons. So why are you're worrying 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:25.599 about who he's sleeping with and who she's sleeping with 0:06:25.800 --> 0:06:28.040 and how she's living her life when you need to 0:06:28.080 --> 0:06:31.200 be handling how you live in your life. Facts and 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:33.920 his ability to connect to the people. You're talking about 0:06:33.960 --> 0:06:38.800 their luston but your gluttonius, Yeah, nobody want to talk 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:43.240 about that. Gluttony is a said too, put them downuts down, 0:06:43.920 --> 0:06:48.880 They'll just save me one. Life at the Altar comes 0:06:48.920 --> 0:06:52.400 with his challenges and Pastor John and his wife Avanter 0:06:52.800 --> 0:06:55.360 are still learning a few things about their marriage they 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:58.520 didn't realize before. My struggle is not the same as yours, 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:05.440 so please don't judge based on your struggle. Wow. Interesting, 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:08.799 So what's going on you know with you guys doing 0:07:08.839 --> 0:07:14.480 this pandemic and the same thing that's happening at your house. 0:07:16.720 --> 0:07:19.080 That's right, you know we're trying to figure it out. Well, 0:07:19.120 --> 0:07:21.520 what have you learned? I have to be honest, I 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:24.120 think one of the things that I realize is that 0:07:24.240 --> 0:07:27.560 I don't know Will at all. You really feel, let 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:31.160 me tell you. I feel like there's a layer that 0:07:31.320 --> 0:07:34.280 you get to write. Life gets busy and you create 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:36.320 these stories in your hand. Then you hold onto these 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:40.680 stories and that is your idea of your partner. But 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:44.240 that's not who your partner is. Right. So, going through 0:07:44.280 --> 0:07:47.160 the process of having to dissolve all the stories and 0:07:47.240 --> 0:07:49.840 all of the ideas of Will that I've built around 0:07:50.160 --> 0:07:52.840 those stories, right, the thing that Will and are learning 0:07:52.880 --> 0:07:58.200 to do is be friends. Right, Because you get into 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:01.000 all these ideas of what intimate relationships are supposed to 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:03.600 look like what marriages are supposed to be. So will 0:08:03.640 --> 0:08:06.200 and are in the process of him taking the time 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:09.480 to learn to love himself, me taking the time to 0:08:09.640 --> 0:08:13.560 learn to love myself right, and us building a friendship 0:08:13.560 --> 0:08:16.120 along the way. So let me tell you that's been 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:18.760 something to be married to somebody for twenty some odd 0:08:18.840 --> 0:08:22.120 years and then realize I don't know you and you 0:08:22.200 --> 0:08:25.960 don't know me, but also realizing too, there's an aspect 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:29.560 of yourself you don't know anything, And that for me 0:08:29.760 --> 0:08:34.080 was the biggest relation I think for for Avinger, she's 0:08:34.120 --> 0:08:39.200 had a consistent role in this marriage while I was 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:45.280 trying to figure out what my role was. And that's 0:08:45.320 --> 0:08:47.679 not just in the marriage I'm talking about as the 0:08:47.760 --> 0:08:52.000 man I have been forced into intimacy over the last 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:55.080 four weeks. And when Willow said you can't spell divorce 0:08:55.160 --> 0:08:58.520 without COVID, what what I think is that I don't 0:08:58.520 --> 0:09:01.640 think people are wanting to divorce because of these four weeks. 0:09:02.000 --> 0:09:05.280 I think truth is being presented and we're finally revealing 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:08.320 and and being revealed for who we actually are. So 0:09:08.440 --> 0:09:10.680 there's a distance between who we thought we were and 0:09:10.679 --> 0:09:13.920 who we actually were, and that's where the is. And 0:09:14.000 --> 0:09:16.800 so for me, I can be honest to say I 0:09:16.840 --> 0:09:20.160 didn't understand all of the value and the gifts that 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:23.040 that my wife carried. Even if I could sympathize with her, 0:09:23.080 --> 0:09:26.640 I had not empathized. There's a difference between sympathy and empathy. 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:28.760 One is like, I feel sorry for you. You're doing 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:30.800 a great job. The other is I'm putting myself in 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:33.400 your shoes. And I had never stopped to say, what 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:36.520 does it mean to be a wife, a mother, an 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.120 executive who's doing all these different things? And for me, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:42.760 I don't know how to stay. I would travel a 0:09:42.840 --> 0:09:45.680 quarter of a million miles a year, so for me, 0:09:45.760 --> 0:09:51.480 I knew how to leave, not stay. Anything you said 0:09:51.640 --> 0:09:55.720 trying to understand advent here the wife, the mother, you 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:57.720 know all of the hats that I wear, but you 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:01.480 neglected to say just the one and first you said 0:10:01.640 --> 0:10:04.200 all of those things. You see me as the wife, 0:10:04.240 --> 0:10:07.600 you see me as the mom, you see me as 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:10.080 whatever it is that you need me to fulfill at 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:14.120 that moment. And I think the hardship that comes in marriages, 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:17.800 the tension comes in because you have not reconciled that 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:22.920 we singularly have so much value without all the other 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:28.679 titles that we wear. I'm figuring that that's what was happening, 0:10:28.760 --> 0:10:31.520 is that you felt like John can only see you 0:10:31.600 --> 0:10:33.920 as the wife, as the mother, but couldn't see your 0:10:34.000 --> 0:10:38.360 value just as you as a woman. I often think 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:42.400 sometimes we kind of fall into that as well as 0:10:42.480 --> 0:10:44.720 like we can only see them as husband's I know, 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:48.280 I've I've had this issue. Is like, no, your husband, 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:51.920 your provider, you're this, and you're supposed to take care 0:10:51.960 --> 0:10:54.160 of me like this and like that, and so I 0:10:54.160 --> 0:10:58.320 could only see in that little box and not really 0:10:58.480 --> 0:11:04.040 see the value of will outside of all the little 0:11:04.080 --> 0:11:08.000 compartments that I needed him to excel in for me. 0:11:08.200 --> 0:11:12.400 Building things together is actually something that is super hard, 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:17.880 and in this quarantine life, it is super hard. This 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:22.560 is intimacy, just being able to get to who our 0:11:22.720 --> 0:11:28.640 loved ones are beyond that which we have perceived. MICHAELA, 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:33.480 this is I mean, we've been here several times, Yea. 0:11:34.240 --> 0:11:37.800 What kind of communication can happen between a couple to 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:44.800 help them see each other outside of the roles that 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:48.200 have been perceived. One of the first things that we 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:51.560 have to always remember is that when we need somebody, 0:11:51.679 --> 0:11:53.800 we don't actually know them, and the first thing that 0:11:53.920 --> 0:11:58.640 kicks in is our projection. Often all right, then that 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:01.040 comes at moment when the honeymoon wounds over where you 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:04.920 suddenly realize, oops, you are married to an actual person, 0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:10.559 not to the figment of your um imagination or fantasy, right, 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:16.880 And the hormonal cocktail wears off, and the bonding hormones 0:12:16.920 --> 0:12:19.559 are not so strong anymore, and suddenly they're looking at 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:24.199 someone and they're not who you thought they are, and 0:12:24.240 --> 0:12:27.040 they have bad habits and you have bad habits. And 0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:30.160 at that point usually people throw children in the mix, 0:12:30.720 --> 0:12:34.240 so then it becomes even more complicated. You know, ten 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:37.040 fifteen years can pass, and then they come to an 0:12:37.040 --> 0:12:40.640 impasse because they're no longer the people they were when 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:44.319 they first met. You have to, on occasion bring the 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:49.160 relationship current and sit down and go, who are we now? 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:53.400 Have our values changed? What's the bigger picture? Who am I? 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:56.680 Who are you? Are we still the people you were 0:12:56.760 --> 0:13:01.400 when we met? The answers always, almost always no, I 0:13:01.440 --> 0:13:05.320 always say in a relationship, there is one partner, the 0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:08.320 other partner, and there's a third partner, and that's the 0:13:08.360 --> 0:13:14.040 relationship itself, which uh has a dynamic and at some 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:18.400 point the dynamic of the relationship takes over from the 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:22.440 individuals and at that point, you know, it's it's a 0:13:22.440 --> 0:13:25.600 tough thing because at that point you have what I 0:13:25.760 --> 0:13:30.120 call the always already listening. You already know partner is 0:13:30.160 --> 0:13:33.640 gonna do. You no longer connected to them, the intimacy 0:13:33.880 --> 0:13:42.000 is gone. Oh that point right there, Michaela. Yeah, that 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:46.520 that is so good. You're connected to the idea of 0:13:46.559 --> 0:13:49.920 who you think they are. Because sometimes you you say, well, 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:52.880 I didn't do this because you were going to do that. 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:56.240 You don't know. Today I might do something different, but 0:13:56.280 --> 0:13:59.840 I didn't get the opportunity to because you've already decide 0:14:00.200 --> 0:14:03.920 how I was going to respond to that. And that's 0:14:04.040 --> 0:14:07.480 that's so good. My question for you, Michaela is this, 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:12.440 We've had some amazing uh you know how I would say, 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:15.520 based on our faith, come to Jesus moments in this 0:14:15.600 --> 0:14:19.640 quarantine where it was like, huh, the light goes off. 0:14:20.640 --> 0:14:23.280 But it's because the business of life is not present. 0:14:23.360 --> 0:14:25.600 So we've had the opportunity to sit with it, to 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:28.920 digest it, and to put it into practice. Now, what 0:14:28.960 --> 0:14:32.160 do we do when life goes back to some sense 0:14:32.200 --> 0:14:35.360 of normalcy? Where you don't have this forced time, you're 0:14:35.360 --> 0:14:40.880 gonna be running in different directions. You But but I'm 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:47.440 saying the very real reality of life, returning to the practical, 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:50.240 the practical things. What can we do to stay in 0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:54.720 this place of epiphany, this place of awareness? Not's a 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:59.240 very good question. The first thing I think is because 0:14:59.280 --> 0:15:03.720 we're still in that kind of a lockdown situation. Yeah, yeah, 0:15:03.720 --> 0:15:09.280 and you can definitely make notes. I don't know that 0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:11.560 I can afford that. So I got to get this 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:18.000 when a kid. And because you had that moment you 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:23.120 know that comes to Jesus moment where you realize some things. Um, 0:15:23.200 --> 0:15:28.200 you have the chance to now rediscover yourself and each other. Right, 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:32.520 So as much as you can treat part of this 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:37.760 like a honeymoon, I discover the person that you've just 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:41.920 discovered a little bit more in depth. And yeah, you 0:15:41.960 --> 0:15:44.520 have children and business and all of that. But but 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:48.240 imagine that ever so often you have a honeymoon moment. 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:51.600 What makes a honeymoon moment a honeymoon moment? You sit around, 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:55.440 you talk a lot, you exchange ideas, you have great 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:59.600 plans for the future. You're deeply connected the things we 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:03.680 know all we're doing. We're really busy, So that will 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:07.960 of course also mean that some old resentments are going 0:16:08.040 --> 0:16:13.640 to come up. Right, You've got to have trust issues, 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:18.360 You're gonna have um things that have never been said. 0:16:18.680 --> 0:16:22.280 I would say for the time being, leave that aside. 0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:25.440 But for right now, what you want to do is 0:16:25.480 --> 0:16:28.920 you want to anchor the positive feelings. You want to 0:16:28.960 --> 0:16:33.480 have as much of the epiphany and the honeymoon, the 0:16:34.000 --> 0:16:38.560 lightbulb moments in your body and with each other, so 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:42.720 that when you go separate ways, you have positive memory 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:46.760 that overrides a lot of the negative memory. Michael important 0:16:47.080 --> 0:16:50.000 that right there? Can I just tell you I want 0:16:50.000 --> 0:16:54.160 to just illuminate that one more time. To take this 0:16:54.360 --> 0:16:58.800 time to focus on what is going well, what is work, 0:16:59.200 --> 0:17:03.800 what is working, and strengthen the parts that are working 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:09.320 and stay in those areas. I'm telling you it's a lifesaver. Literally, 0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:12.399 he said, don't think about a honeymoon. What do you 0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:16.160 do when you are me and you don't really want 0:17:16.240 --> 0:17:20.080 to present the totality of yourself Because you don't. There 0:17:20.080 --> 0:17:23.600 are areas that have still not been attended to. When 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:26.760 I got married, I hadn't realize the fatherhood wound, the 0:17:26.800 --> 0:17:29.320 daddy wound that I had from an absent father, and 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:32.480 how that has played into my need to be validated 0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:37.040 from outside sources. And so I would leave because I 0:17:37.160 --> 0:17:40.000 never saw a man provide for the household. So I 0:17:40.040 --> 0:17:43.040 thought I was doing good by providing for my household. 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:45.639 But my wife said, it's not the stuff I want you. 0:17:46.119 --> 0:17:49.119 But I never saw me as valuable, and so I 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:52.639 wouldn't give her what she wanted, which was me, because 0:17:52.720 --> 0:17:56.320 I didn't think me was worthy of her. And before 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:58.240 I can be what she needs, I need to figure 0:17:58.280 --> 0:18:02.000 out who the heck I am. There's two layers to this. 0:18:02.200 --> 0:18:05.000 There's what you can do for yourself, and then there's 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:07.439 what you can do for each other. What I'd like 0:18:07.520 --> 0:18:11.320 for you to do is that you individually sit down 0:18:11.560 --> 0:18:15.760 and you make an inventory of what is good about you, 0:18:16.280 --> 0:18:24.640 so your strength, your positive attributes, your accomplishments, your personality traits, 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:29.160 UH and that's everything, right, everything that's good about you. 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:33.920 And you do that separately. Then you go and make 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:37.680 the same list as to what is good about the other. 0:18:39.080 --> 0:18:42.120 And then you come back together and the first thing 0:18:42.200 --> 0:18:45.640 that you're going to do is you're going to exchange lists. 0:18:46.240 --> 0:18:49.760 Avenger you're going to give him the list of what 0:18:50.000 --> 0:18:54.800 is good about you and the other way about. Then 0:18:54.840 --> 0:18:58.040 you're going to sit with each other and you're going 0:18:58.200 --> 0:19:01.640 to tell each other and praise each other for these 0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:05.680 things on their list. And while you do that, see 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:08.520 how that lands. Because that all kinds of stuff will happen. 0:19:08.560 --> 0:19:11.399 You're both gonna go, well, that's not really true. You 0:19:11.440 --> 0:19:14.000 know that there's things that are that are going to 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:19.160 happen that are very very educational. Right, But that's how 0:19:19.240 --> 0:19:23.280 you start. You give the person across from you the 0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:26.240 praise for the things that they think are good about you. 0:19:26.600 --> 0:19:29.600 Then you give them the praise of the things that 0:19:29.760 --> 0:19:34.360 you think they're good about that, and then you go. 0:19:34.480 --> 0:19:38.800 You can go back and force and that will be 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:43.120 one of those things that opens your heart to each other, 0:19:43.800 --> 0:19:48.040 and more importantly, even it will open your own heart 0:19:48.280 --> 0:19:53.879 towards yourself. That part, I will say that one of 0:19:53.880 --> 0:19:56.959 the things that MICHAELA has taught me we really do 0:19:57.119 --> 0:20:01.080 have to work on our personal self worth in order 0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:05.119 to have workable relationships. I think that a lot of 0:20:05.200 --> 0:20:08.879 us look to other people to make us feel a 0:20:08.920 --> 0:20:11.640 certain way, to buy us up in a certain manner, 0:20:11.920 --> 0:20:14.320 and we really have to be able to come to 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:17.359 the table to know that we are worthy of love, 0:20:17.680 --> 0:20:21.560 because I know for me, I've just learned that I 0:20:21.600 --> 0:20:25.640 am learning how to love the people around me as 0:20:25.680 --> 0:20:29.560 I'm learning how to love myself. The reason why this 0:20:29.640 --> 0:20:33.800 conversation is so impacting to me is because as a 0:20:33.920 --> 0:20:38.200 man of faith, what what sometimes happens with a theological 0:20:38.240 --> 0:20:41.280 construct is that we think that our higher power will 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:43.920 somehow fix it all. And sometimes prayer is not enough. 0:20:44.640 --> 0:20:47.479 Talk to somebody that has walked through things that you 0:20:47.520 --> 0:20:50.760 don't know. I need this because there's some areas of 0:20:50.840 --> 0:20:54.679 unattended manhood that need to be addressed. You know what, 0:20:55.119 --> 0:20:57.399 Thank you guys so much. We're gonna have to do 0:20:57.440 --> 0:21:01.760 a follow up show after the car see to see 0:21:01.840 --> 0:21:05.520 what gains you guys have made, because this was really enjoyable. 0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:11.280 We can physically have you at the table we want. 0:21:11.359 --> 0:21:13.480 I don't want to sit at the red table. I 0:21:13.560 --> 0:21:17.119 want to touch the table. It was good talking to 0:21:17.160 --> 0:21:18.879 you guys, and you know we over here rooting for 0:21:18.960 --> 0:21:24.280 you for sure. You so much. Love so MICHAELA. There's 0:21:24.320 --> 0:21:26.760 a lot of pressure happening right now. How do you 0:21:26.840 --> 0:21:31.840 think men and women release that stress differently? Good question. 0:21:32.200 --> 0:21:35.800 In the olden days, man had very different roles than women, 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:41.159 so our biology is somewhat hardwired for survival in different ways. 0:21:41.720 --> 0:21:46.600 So man tend to get into kind of general seal 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:50.600 t mode. Often they want to make sure that they 0:21:50.600 --> 0:21:53.320 are the best providers they can be, and that can 0:21:53.440 --> 0:21:57.439 look like hoarding by all the pripping equipment. They can 0:21:57.520 --> 0:22:02.080 get quite sharp and quite hard at times because they're 0:22:02.160 --> 0:22:05.520 essentially in an army situation in their own body. They 0:22:05.600 --> 0:22:08.840 might get a little bit more controlling than usual. They 0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:13.920 might get really controlling or get downright horrible and nasty. 0:22:14.119 --> 0:22:18.720 On the positive, and men typically cope by getting things 0:22:18.760 --> 0:22:22.960 done problem solving. When the stress level rises in men, 0:22:23.800 --> 0:22:26.639 because of the way the body is, will get very 0:22:26.960 --> 0:22:30.359 narrow focused. They focus on something and that's what they 0:22:30.400 --> 0:22:34.000 want to get done. In women, because traditionally we have 0:22:34.200 --> 0:22:38.440 to maintain pregnancy and pobu nation and rest feeling and 0:22:38.480 --> 0:22:41.080 all these things, what we do when the going gets 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:46.080 tough is we want cards. M Yeah, so we want carbs, 0:22:46.320 --> 0:22:51.760 want comfort, want nourishment, cuddling, um. We want to gather 0:22:52.000 --> 0:22:57.119 everyone around, make it so uh that we are protected, 0:22:57.400 --> 0:22:59.720 can keep the things that are important to us going 0:23:00.040 --> 0:23:03.919 we're a lot more relational, while men get more operational, 0:23:04.320 --> 0:23:07.960 and that yelf causes a huge problem in the situation 0:23:08.040 --> 0:23:11.679 like this, Wow, our next married couple has come to 0:23:11.760 --> 0:23:15.879 the red table with their quarantine struggle. Hasien and Gerard, 0:23:16.080 --> 0:23:19.080 what's going on with you guys during this time. Well, 0:23:19.119 --> 0:23:25.840 everything's coming to the surface and glaring in technicolor, and 0:23:26.000 --> 0:23:29.360 in this quarantine, we just start responding to it differently. 0:23:29.800 --> 0:23:32.760 And there are moments where I wasn't sure who I 0:23:32.800 --> 0:23:40.320 was even married too. I totally get that. When the 0:23:40.400 --> 0:23:42.439 CDC put out a notice, and I mean it was 0:23:42.480 --> 0:23:45.400 way before quarantine, the kids were still in school. Gerard's 0:23:45.440 --> 0:23:48.159 sort of like booted up and put on his like 0:23:48.400 --> 0:23:50.960 gear and like it was like I'm going to buy 0:23:51.200 --> 0:23:55.200 supplies and groceries, and he got like really intense and serious. 0:23:55.720 --> 0:23:58.000 I work in healthcare, so I know how bad viruses 0:23:58.040 --> 0:23:59.920 can get. I think I was probably the first panic. 0:24:00.000 --> 0:24:03.400 Shop was definitely the first. So I geared up, went 0:24:03.440 --> 0:24:06.560 down to the grocery store, got two grocery carts and 0:24:06.680 --> 0:24:09.520 just started, you know, putting in lentils and rice and 0:24:09.640 --> 0:24:13.000 all the stables, shelf stable stuff that you could pretty 0:24:13.040 --> 0:24:14.800 much live off of for a month for a family 0:24:14.840 --> 0:24:16.960 of four. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best 0:24:17.040 --> 0:24:19.879 was my motto. So I just came home with a 0:24:19.880 --> 0:24:22.720 ton of groceries and uh, I think my wife thought 0:24:22.760 --> 0:24:26.320 I was nuts, well because the kids to panic. Our 0:24:26.359 --> 0:24:31.600 twenty year old was like, dang with the receipt. He 0:24:31.680 --> 0:24:33.879 was like, we could have bought a car, you know. 0:24:37.560 --> 0:24:39.680 And then my ten year old was like, Mommy, is 0:24:39.760 --> 0:24:42.560 everything okay? And I'm like, God, We're gonna be okay. 0:24:42.560 --> 0:24:45.800 And I'm like, everybody, stay calm. But like, when you 0:24:45.840 --> 0:24:49.199 see these parts of your mate, how do you not 0:24:49.280 --> 0:24:55.840 see them again? No, it's very good. Well, yes, the 0:24:55.880 --> 0:24:59.800 thing you can't see it, but you can't reframe it. 0:25:00.160 --> 0:25:04.080 Somebody else who is not in your mindset has a 0:25:04.119 --> 0:25:07.199 totally different relationship to that. I'm listening to this and 0:25:07.240 --> 0:25:11.800 I'm going, damn, I want him at my house. He 0:25:12.080 --> 0:25:15.280 is actually doing the thing that he's built to do. 0:25:15.560 --> 0:25:19.800 He is supposed to make sure that his family has sustenance, 0:25:20.280 --> 0:25:24.639 and he's a great provider. This is just one extension 0:25:24.680 --> 0:25:28.280 of being a great provider. That's what a great provider does, 0:25:28.680 --> 0:25:33.440 make sure that his family has what is needed. If 0:25:33.440 --> 0:25:37.359 you don't phrase it as panic, and everybody got nervous 0:25:37.359 --> 0:25:40.119 and we don't want to live in fear. But say, 0:25:40.160 --> 0:25:43.600 we don't have to live in fear because we have Gerards. 0:25:44.440 --> 0:25:46.960 He's gonna take care of the stuff that might be 0:25:47.080 --> 0:25:51.600 an issue. And then you have refriendsed that and you 0:25:51.640 --> 0:25:54.159 can look at him and go, I am married to 0:25:54.320 --> 0:25:58.720 a great provider. I'm married to somebody who cares about 0:25:58.800 --> 0:26:02.720 his family. And he went out there and did things 0:26:02.840 --> 0:26:05.959 before the going got tough, and that's really really a 0:26:06.000 --> 0:26:09.600