Speaker 1: Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and
Speaker 1: I'm Jamila. Oh, Jamila's out today?
Speaker 2: All right? I got distracted and even I got he
Speaker 2: threw me off there.
Speaker 3: Wow, because Jamila and Mila are so I know different.
Speaker 3: I never hear you call yourself that I'm Jamila. My
Speaker 3: name is Jamila.
Speaker 2: I think I call you like I only call you Jamila. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So I don't know why you're acting so.
Speaker 2: Because I don't ever hear you whatever. Whatever. Moving on, Hi, guys, Hi.
Speaker 3: It's us bickering about my name.
Speaker 1: I can only have one.
Speaker 4: Why is it that every time you start recording, the
Speaker 4: fucking blind ass dog wants to come in.
Speaker 1: It's like she's blind, but she knows we're doing this,
Speaker 1: so she knocks. It's like, why, Okay, how are you
Speaker 1: doing this week?
Speaker 2: I'm good.
Speaker 1: Actually, I just got back from a little trip to
Speaker 1: Palm Springs.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, how was that?
Speaker 1: It was?
Speaker 4: It was fun, it was good. I went with a
Speaker 4: few girlfriends. Actually was a girl's trip, and then my boyfriend.
Speaker 4: Then I noticed that poetry. I was like, it's poetry, baby.
Speaker 4: The only guy there?
Speaker 1: Yeah, he was.
Speaker 4: I ended up actually having a friend that was in
Speaker 4: town that came through. But originally it wasn't supposed to
Speaker 4: be just girls, and so that's when he kind agreed
Speaker 4: to come there. Was supposed to be like another dude,
Speaker 4: and then like they back he backed out, and then
Speaker 4: it was just him.
Speaker 1: Was he in heaven or was he like overly annoyed? No,
Speaker 1: he's cool, Like he's no, he was. He was very
Speaker 1: cool with the girls.
Speaker 2: The ladies.
Speaker 4: You know, I had to make sure that I was
Speaker 4: also making sure I was being attended to, hit attentive
Speaker 4: and not like just girls tripping it up and being
Speaker 4: like fuck you nigga.
Speaker 3: That's what I hate hanging out with guys because they
Speaker 3: always needed to be like don't be like fuck niggas,
Speaker 3: go away, let me.
Speaker 2: Get my fuck niggas off.
Speaker 1: Okayay god, yeah, No, it was cool.
Speaker 4: We rented this house. I just love like Palm Springs,
Speaker 4: and they were like retro vibes. You know, it's always
Speaker 4: like those like sixties seventies retro houses that are kind
Speaker 4: of like slanted with like big floor to ceiling windows.
Speaker 1: Was it super hot or was it not so hot
Speaker 1: that it was hot?
Speaker 4: But my friend went to Palm Springs like three weeks
Speaker 4: ago and said it was like unbearable even with the pool,
Speaker 4: Like the pool was hot.
Speaker 1: That's what I was thinking.
Speaker 3: I'm like, sometimes La gets so hot, Palm Springs is
Speaker 3: unbearably hot, Like you can't even go outside to the
Speaker 3: pool until it's like five o'clock.
Speaker 2: No, it was good, it was cool.
Speaker 4: We did Tesla, which was great, really great until the
Speaker 4: end when I had no more happiness left inside me.
Speaker 4: I was literally like this reminded me of this one
Speaker 4: time when I went to Coachella, like when I was
Speaker 4: like twenty two and I did so many drugs that
Speaker 4: like I remember calling my baby daddy and he was
Speaker 4: not my baby daddy at this point, but I called
Speaker 4: him and I was like, Babe, I'm never gonna be
Speaker 4: happy again. I'm never gonna be happy. I don't have
Speaker 4: the capacity to be happy ever again. And that's kind
Speaker 4: of like how I felt, because like I was, we were,
Speaker 4: I was, I was. I was just pure euphoria, just
Speaker 4: so happy for how.
Speaker 1: Many hours, like four to five? I took a half.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Well, then she called me like I was the dealer
Speaker 3: and cursed me out, like I have.
Speaker 1: No happiness left. It's terrible.
Speaker 4: I'm like, bitch, what I was like it was literally
Speaker 4: like a switch. Like I was sitting in the jacuzzie
Speaker 4: and I was happy, and then I wasn't anymore. I
Speaker 4: was not and then at that point I was like,
Speaker 4: I need to go have sex. Maybe that'll make make
Speaker 4: you happy. Yeah, And then we did and it was great.
Speaker 4: And then I was not only unhappy, but I was tired.
Speaker 4: And then he left to go to the store, and
Speaker 4: then I got really sad.
Speaker 2: I don't ask me why. I knew he was coming back,
Speaker 2: but like I got hella sad.
Speaker 4: And then like my friends were talking to me, and
Speaker 4: like one of my girlfriends doesn't like do shit like that,
Speaker 4: so she was just trying to get me to drink.
Speaker 4: She kept like passing me drinks and I was just
Speaker 4: like sitting there just like with no emotion, just like
Speaker 4: staring at them eating dry ass pizza. And then eventually
Speaker 4: like they kept talking and I was like, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: go lay down, and I just laid there with like
Speaker 4: awake but like tired but awake but tired, and I
Speaker 4: was like.
Speaker 1: Just let this day be over the next day, do
Speaker 1: you feel better?
Speaker 3: Well?
Speaker 1: Then so he went to the store to go get
Speaker 1: me vitamins. He was like, you need vitamins.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna go get you like ashwaganda root, whatever the
Speaker 4: hell it's called.
Speaker 2: He got me all hell all these vitamins.
Speaker 4: When I took them, and the next morning I did
Speaker 4: feel much better, and they were.
Speaker 1: Like, you want to do it again?
Speaker 2: I was like, hell, no, bitch the fuck no, I'm good.
Speaker 3: Here's the thing with ecstasy, guys, you gotta be careful.
Speaker 2: I can't do that shit.
Speaker 3: Honestly, when I take halfs I'm usually good the next day.
Speaker 3: But when I do whole, or if I don't do
Speaker 3: a tesla, if I do some other kind of molly
Speaker 3: or ecstasy the next day, it can be not good.
Speaker 3: It could be pretty grim. My friends, who's coming to
Speaker 3: the drive in this weekend? I mean, on Friday, we
Speaker 3: have a drive in.
Speaker 4: Hey, oh my god, I'm so excited. We're doing our
Speaker 4: first meetup in forever. It feels like five hundred years hellelujah.
Speaker 4: And it's a movie drive in and we're gonna go
Speaker 4: watch next Friday.
Speaker 1: And wave at each other from the cars.
Speaker 4: You know. My friend told me he was like because
Speaker 4: he was like, I've ever been to a drive in.
Speaker 4: I was like, I don't know, and He was like,
Speaker 4: the best driving experience I've ever had is in a
Speaker 4: pickup truck.
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, because you can. And I was like, do
Speaker 1: I need to message my baby daddy?
Speaker 3: Yeah, because we can back it in and then we
Speaker 3: could put blankets in the yea, I know.
Speaker 1: We can probably open your trunk too. Yeah, that's how
Speaker 1: you're supposed to do it.
Speaker 3: In Atlanta, Ni guts, we out there barbecueing and shit,
Speaker 3: it gets real. You could do like all time, bring weed,
Speaker 3: bring food, where your pajamas.
Speaker 1: You ever been to the drive in? I'm like a
Speaker 1: huge fan of the drive in.
Speaker 3: I drive to like far places to go to the
Speaker 3: driving because there's not one in La.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm excited.
Speaker 3: To go to this drive in me too. I'm excited
Speaker 3: comfort La is gonna be my girlfriend. My crazy girlfriend.
Speaker 1: Stacey was like, I'm gonna bring a surprise for you.
Speaker 3: I'm like, don't bring ecstasy bag, please, I'm already depressed.
Speaker 1: Don't bring it. Don't want it. You know I can't
Speaker 1: say no, So don't worry.
Speaker 3: If you guys come, I'm not gonna be preer pressuring anyone.
Speaker 1: To do more.
Speaker 3: You take ecstasy like our usual made ups, don't worry.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be a swell, disciplined regular movie watcher.
Speaker 2: Oh you are okay, cool?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean so the next day, like yeah, I
Speaker 4: had to recover and I was like, I'm just gonna
Speaker 4: drink and it was good and it was great.
Speaker 2: I just realized that like those type.
Speaker 1: Of things, I can only do like once a few.
Speaker 4: Every like I don't know, six months. I don't really
Speaker 4: know how people recover from them quickly.
Speaker 3: I don't know how people do like two ecstasies, three
Speaker 3: ecstasies in a row, like three days in a row.
Speaker 1: People just keep.
Speaker 2: How do you how do you have any serotonin left
Speaker 2: for to drain out of your brain?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know, but there's no way.
Speaker 4: I was like, there's no fucking I could do this
Speaker 4: all the time. I'm just I'm really responsible. Actually that's
Speaker 4: what poetry Bay told me. He was like, you know,
Speaker 4: you have like very responsible, illegal fun and I was like,
Speaker 4: you know what, I agree with that.
Speaker 2: I agree.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure we've made some bad decisions.
Speaker 2: I mean I know, but like they just they're still
Speaker 2: like I'm still always like present and being like, yeah,
Speaker 2: that's probably I might die. I mean those days I
Speaker 2: think our.
Speaker 1: Little except Momchella last year, which.
Speaker 4: I mean, we weren't gonna die, we were just gonna
Speaker 4: get and abandoned.
Speaker 3: Well, this weekend, Adventure Bay broke up with me because
Speaker 3: because of myself, because of my own actions.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to go into deep detail right now
Speaker 1: because I'm not prepared for that right now. But he
Speaker 1: he's gonna be pissed.
Speaker 3: But whatever, Adventure Bay, you guys don't judge me. First
Speaker 3: of all, I stayed at his house.
Speaker 1: I took Luna.
Speaker 3: It was my first time staying his house overnight with Luna.
Speaker 1: Actually she never been to his house.
Speaker 3: Like I know, we've been on camping and stuff, but
Speaker 3: I was already feeling on edge about that. First of all,
Speaker 3: I'm a cancer, and I'm realizing as a thirty two
Speaker 3: year old cancer, I am becoming increasingly emotional like I
Speaker 3: used to be. Like my my Gemini side because I'm
Speaker 3: on the cusp usually really straightens me out, like I'm
Speaker 3: not a very emo ass bitch, but like this year,
Speaker 3: not so much. I'm just crying all the time. I'm
Speaker 3: just on edge. Everything is a big deal. So I
Speaker 3: had to My plan was to take Luna with me
Speaker 3: to my appointment because it was our friend. But also
Speaker 3: she started that bullshit ass Zoom school, so she has
Speaker 3: to be in like the right place at the right time.
Speaker 3: So I was running late, and so she was gonna
Speaker 3: be late if I took her with me. So I'm like,
Speaker 3: you know what he's like, just leave her here, it's fine,
Speaker 3: I'm working. She could be on the zoom.
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, okay, So I set her up.
Speaker 1: I left, and I was having anxiety about that.
Speaker 3: You know, Like one of the things I say is
Speaker 3: like I'm never gonna like date a guy and let
Speaker 3: him stay with my kid for extended times. Like, don't
Speaker 3: trust niggas, don't trust anybody with your baby. Even though
Speaker 3: I don't have a baby, I have like a tween ager.
Speaker 3: So like, as I was walking out the door, he
Speaker 3: just looked at me. He's like, you're doing a good job,
Speaker 3: and I was like, thank you.
Speaker 1: And I don't know why. That made me want to cry.
Speaker 1: Everything makes me want to cry.
Speaker 3: So I get to where I'm going and I start
Speaker 3: lashing and I said, huh no, no, no, I left
Speaker 3: my computer and I shouldn't have done that. I have
Speaker 3: trauma from my baby. Daddy going through my shit, my journals,
Speaker 3: my computer, my phone.
Speaker 1: Any possible ten seconds, anything you could think of.
Speaker 3: He will go through. So and I've had like even
Speaker 3: I had a bad history growing up. Remember I made
Speaker 3: that sacred language. I have a secret language from childhood
Speaker 3: because people were going through myself, teachers, my parents, all
Speaker 3: types of I have trauma from that. And as soon
Speaker 3: as I got to where I was going, I was like, fuck,
Speaker 3: I shouldn't have left my computer there. Sure enough, I
Speaker 3: get back and I could tell something is a little
Speaker 3: bit off, and I'm like, fuck, what is in my messages?
Speaker 1: What have I done? Like I'll admit I'm not perfect.
Speaker 3: I haven't been perfect, and this guy pretty much has
Speaker 3: been adventure my husband like pretty much perfect. So I
Speaker 3: had no there's no I have no excuses for my behavior.
Speaker 3: But I felt super violated. And he didn't say anything.
Speaker 3: He didn't say I went through your shit. But you know,
Speaker 3: you'd be knowing, you know.
Speaker 4: When the energy shifts and you're like, oh shit. And
Speaker 4: also a guilty conscience will do that too.
Speaker 2: You'd be like, oh fuck.
Speaker 1: Right, you're scanning through the things, and what did I do?
Speaker 1: Have I done?
Speaker 2: What did I say?
Speaker 5: So?
Speaker 1: I didn't have.
Speaker 3: I had like super anxiety in my gut, like I
Speaker 3: had to get out of there.
Speaker 1: So eventually we left. He dropped us off and I
Speaker 1: could tell.
Speaker 3: I was like, I said I love you when I left,
Speaker 3: and he's like, I don't feel that way, and I
Speaker 3: was like, okay, great. So when I got to where
Speaker 3: I was going, I text like, I fucked up. I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: He's like explained, and I was like, well, let's just
Speaker 3: talk in person. And he ghosted me for like three days,
Speaker 3: which will make a bitch go fucking nuts.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I finally talked to him, he dumped me.
Speaker 1: It got emotional.
Speaker 3: I feel like, I don't know, he's like a computer whiz.
Speaker 3: I don't know how much access to my shit he's
Speaker 3: had for how long.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It was just a lot of unanswered questions.
Speaker 3: But at the end of the day, I took I'm
Speaker 3: taking responsibility for my actions because I know that I
Speaker 3: was wrong. I'm realizing, like why did I do this?
Speaker 3: Because I have Nigad tendencies. It's true, I do.
Speaker 1: I do.
Speaker 3: I have nicod tendencies, and I can really separate sex
Speaker 3: from emotion easily.
Speaker 1: And also like I have I have.
Speaker 3: I have a lot of mostly had toxic relationships. I've
Speaker 3: had seen toxic relationships, and I guess the part of
Speaker 3: me is like, let me prove that this is also toxic.
Speaker 3: You know, like this, this is too good to be true.
Speaker 2: You know this, I don't toxic feels comfortable.
Speaker 3: I don't deserve this and if I maybe, if I
Speaker 3: do this, I'm gonna pull out you know, his true feelings,
Speaker 3: you know, or like maybe I'm playing up to like
Speaker 3: what I've been people have projected on me, and I
Speaker 3: don't know. There's all types of reasons that I have
Speaker 3: to like sit down and explore because I feel really
Speaker 3: fucked up.
Speaker 1: He's been really good to me, and so he dumbed me.
Speaker 2: Have you ever dumped?
Speaker 3: I'm sure I have, But you know that's I also noticed,
Speaker 3: like I also try to make people dumb me. At
Speaker 3: the end, he's like, do you consider yourself a hoe?
Speaker 3: And like mid tiers, I was like, what, no, why
Speaker 3: do you you don't know? What he said like basically guess,
Speaker 3: but like I feel like that's what I was getting.
Speaker 1: That's what I like, Not that I wanted that you
Speaker 1: wanted him to call you a hout. I wanted to
Speaker 1: be like I told you.
Speaker 2: I told you like you're not you're an asshole.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like I knew, like that's I knew that's how
Speaker 1: you felt about it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, kind of like I knew it, like I knew
Speaker 3: you were fronting for that. I don't know what, like
Speaker 3: I don't know why, like why that's my weird sick
Speaker 3: cycle or why, Like I don't know why.
Speaker 1: I don't know why that's like how I felt.
Speaker 2: Well. Also, he asked you that, right, Yeah, why did
Speaker 2: he ask you that?
Speaker 1: Because he probably wanted me to know that. I'm huh exactly.
Speaker 4: Yeah, well done, so like your feelings are not not
Speaker 4: valid actually, like that was an asshole thing for him
Speaker 4: to say. Also, you're an asshole for whatever whatever you did.
Speaker 4: So you know, I guess it's like a tit for
Speaker 4: tat type of situation. He wants you to hurt like
Speaker 4: you hurt that he hurts, like he felt hurt by you. However,
Speaker 4: I do feel that when men feel when you men
Speaker 4: use that start using those type of tactics to me,
Speaker 4: it's a red flag for like what other ways will
Speaker 4: you make.
Speaker 2: Me feel like disgraced by my body and the way
Speaker 2: I use it? You know, whether or not I'm using
Speaker 2: it in the in the ways that we've agreed upon,
Speaker 2: does not make me this or that, you know, And
Speaker 2: I want you to know that, like you are not,
Speaker 2: oh yeah, and I know you know that, but I
Speaker 2: want you to know that because I know that men
Speaker 2: have violated you. I know that men have said things
Speaker 2: to you that have made you have to question that
Speaker 2: in yourself.
Speaker 4: And you are not. And you are just a free
Speaker 4: woman who is trying to figure their shit out right right,
Speaker 4: you know, And like I'm not going to fault him
Speaker 4: for it, because I think he's a good guy, but
Speaker 4: like that can't happen again.
Speaker 1: It's just so I think for me, it's just so predictable.
Speaker 3: And I even put myself in that position had it
Speaker 3: been the other way around, and I'd be like, you're
Speaker 3: a hoe.
Speaker 1: Like I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I just think I think men use that word particularly
Speaker 3: because it's there's so much weight on it. There's been
Speaker 3: so much weight on it, so immediately, you know, it
Speaker 3: takes you from here to here, like from the woman
Speaker 3: that I loved to like some bitch on the street.
Speaker 1: Oh that's what it was. This is what it was.
Speaker 3: Then prior to that question he said, he said.
Speaker 1: You know, it's still it's cool.
Speaker 3: We could still go have drinks, you have good sex,
Speaker 3: And I was like, okay, yes, even mid tears, I
Speaker 3: was like, listen, we're not gonna go have drinks and
Speaker 3: we're not gonna have.
Speaker 1: Sex like you. It's not what bothered me about it.
Speaker 3: Like keep in mind, I know the niggas out there
Speaker 3: like bitch, Okay, I know I'm a fuck up. I
Speaker 3: fucked up. I realized that I can't take back those actions.
Speaker 3: I have no I have no real reason why I
Speaker 3: did what I did. I don't That's something I have
Speaker 3: to explore. There are things that I definitely have to heal.
Speaker 3: Me having casual sex for absolutely no reason is not mature,
Speaker 3: and I don't know, I have no excuse for that.
Speaker 1: But I feel like that those.
Speaker 3: Particular comments were just like the same, like taking me
Speaker 3: from here on this pedestal that you've created for me
Speaker 3: because he treats me great, and then saying, but I'll
Speaker 3: dispose of you this way. I'll just I'll use you
Speaker 3: into like this, like like how you use your like
Speaker 3: how you're letting other people use you.
Speaker 1: And again, I know you're hurt. I know he's hurt.
Speaker 2: And the thing about it is like, I know he's
Speaker 2: not capable of that.
Speaker 4: He said that to hurt you specifically because I know
Speaker 4: that he's probably not capable of taking you to drinks
Speaker 4: and just fucking you casually because.
Speaker 2: Your sex is good.
Speaker 4: No, I know that too, but you know, but that's
Speaker 4: that's what I'm saying, Like he doesn't really feel that
Speaker 4: way at all, and.
Speaker 3: That he said he felt sad for me, which okay,
Speaker 3: that's sad. I mean, okay, I mean, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I just I just took it because what am I
Speaker 3: gonna do, right, Like I'm wrong despite the fact that
Speaker 3: like you invaded my privacy to get to information.
Speaker 1: I'm wrong.
Speaker 3: I'm dead wrong, which not much I could say, so
Speaker 3: I wasn't really trying to defend myself.
Speaker 1: But what I did say before I left.
Speaker 3: Mid Tiers, I was like, you could you could say
Speaker 3: you feel sorry for me, you feel sad for me,
Speaker 3: You could say you know, we can we can fuck occasionally.
Speaker 3: I'm like, but don't forget that this is this was
Speaker 3: real three days ago, you know, Like that's my thing,
Speaker 3: Like we can go through things and we can like
Speaker 3: have disagreements and people.
Speaker 1: Will fuck up. But in the heat of those fuck ups,
Speaker 1: like where.
Speaker 3: Like even in hurt, where am I gonna how how
Speaker 3: low am.
Speaker 1: I willing to go to make you hurt?
Speaker 3: That's something I have a big boundary on because I've
Speaker 3: been in relationships that had none. It was just like
Speaker 3: fuck you bitch, you trash ass, like like like what
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. So it was a lot
Speaker 3: of up and down and manipulation that way, and so like.
Speaker 1: That that bothered.
Speaker 3: Me because he's really not a disrespectful guy and any capacity,
Speaker 3: and he really hasn't been.
Speaker 1: And it's me, like, I have my own issues.
Speaker 3: That I have to figure out about monogamy, about my body,
Speaker 3: about my pussy, about what I like my like is
Speaker 3: it just that I'd like to have sex and I'm like, eh,
Speaker 3: let's see it, like let's just do it, or I'm
Speaker 3: drinking or whatever, or is it is it something deeper
Speaker 3: than that?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: And I've said that before on the show, like I
Speaker 3: think we can be powerful women and be liberal and
Speaker 3: be free and.
Speaker 1: And sometimes the truth is there do be a fine nigga.
Speaker 1: You just want to fucking keep it moving. That is
Speaker 1: Actually that's true, that happens.
Speaker 3: But sometimes when it's a it's an habitual, habitual thing
Speaker 3: that you do all the time. You at some point
Speaker 3: as a woman, when you're as you're growing, as you're
Speaker 3: healing from trauma, you have to acknowledge if there's something
Speaker 3: deeper than that.
Speaker 1: Are you trying to fill a void with people with sex?
Speaker 3: Are you trying to avoid something in you know, in yourself,
Speaker 3: or are you trying to get validated in some way
Speaker 3: even if it's like the thing is, even if it's
Speaker 3: people you don't even really care about getting validation from,
Speaker 3: you know, Is it filling my ego in some way?
Speaker 3: Does it make me feel good even if it's not
Speaker 3: like physically I'm coming, but like just to feel wanted,
Speaker 3: even if it's I'm periary because I realize I have
Speaker 3: an issue with like I want to kind of I'm
Speaker 3: just realizing this now because I'm high and I'm talking
Speaker 3: like inflicting pain on myself. You're like a masochist, Yeah,
Speaker 3: Like if.
Speaker 1: I do it to myself, then you can't hurt me.
Speaker 3: I can hurt I'd rather hurt myself than like so
Speaker 3: when I don't, I don't know, does.
Speaker 1: That even make sense.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, it doesn't make sense. Absolutely, That's what a
Speaker 2: masochist is.
Speaker 4: And like if somehow it feels like you're lessening the blow, right, right,
Speaker 4: I already did it, nigad, Right, I already know what
Speaker 4: I'm doing.
Speaker 2: I did it to myself.
Speaker 4: You didn't get here first, right, right, And it's almost
Speaker 4: like that it's because I've had that, Like don't you.
Speaker 1: Ever think that you had that capability? Right?
Speaker 4: And but it's kind of it is kind of sad
Speaker 4: because you're like, because I've already done it to myself, right,
Speaker 4: And I.
Speaker 2: Think that goes back to like it's sad because we
Speaker 2: all do it. We all hurt ourselves constantly.
Speaker 4: We do things and we make mistakes that we don't
Speaker 4: know why, and like we're trying to work through our
Speaker 4: traumas and like you.
Speaker 2: Said, like there is a there's a but there is
Speaker 2: it's possible to be a.
Speaker 4: Liberated woman and have sex and casual sex, but there's
Speaker 4: also possibility that there's trauma intertwined within that.
Speaker 1: And there's both.
Speaker 3: And I think it just as we grow, we have
Speaker 3: to start kind of filtering it out. And what I
Speaker 3: will say, like, hands down, without a doubt, one hundred
Speaker 3: and four hundred thousand percent. I as an adult, thirty
Speaker 3: two year old woman, thirty two year old woman, I.
Speaker 1: Have taken and am in a place where I am
Speaker 1: taking a.
Speaker 3: Really long time to learn lessons that I already know
Speaker 3: the answers to, like a really long time, like fuck
Speaker 3: up after fuck up after fuck up after fuck up
Speaker 3: after fuck up, to the point where it's like I
Speaker 3: won't even tell Erica, I won't even say shits to
Speaker 3: Erica because I know I've fucked up.
Speaker 1: I know I shouldn't be fucking with this person.
Speaker 3: I know I'm ashamed and I'm still suck in these
Speaker 3: toxic cycles. And I think it's even worse that I
Speaker 3: talk about it every week. Then I am aware and
Speaker 3: that I just for some reason, there's things that I girl, you.
Speaker 1: Know, like I be fucking up, and I'm like you are,
Speaker 1: You're human, just.
Speaker 2: Because you talk about it every week, And like I know,
Speaker 2: sometimes we talk about like feeling like we have this
Speaker 2: responsibility because we do talk about our shit every week,
Speaker 2: and like we're supposed to like be working on shit.
Speaker 2: But guess what, motherfucker, like we are just we're human too.
Speaker 4: I be fucking up too. You know, and like it's okay,
Speaker 4: it's okay. It's not okay, And I get that. You
Speaker 4: have to accept that too. You have to understand that too.
Speaker 1: It's not okay.
Speaker 2: It can't be okay.
Speaker 4: But like, no one loves you any less, like I
Speaker 4: love you no matter what give me. I love you
Speaker 4: no matter what, whether you tell me or not, whether
Speaker 4: you're not ready to or whether you never ever fucking
Speaker 4: tell me. I don't care, and you're not alone, and
Speaker 4: you're going to be okay.
Speaker 1: I know. It's just I'm getting frustrated with myself, you know.
Speaker 1: And I know I'm not the only one in the
Speaker 1: world making the same bad.
Speaker 3: Decision over and over and over again. But I'm like,
Speaker 3: what the fuck is the problem? Why do I lack
Speaker 3: the discipline to make better decisions for myself?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 3: And because at the end of the day, like it
Speaker 3: does affect me, And even if I do this shit
Speaker 3: a hundred times, I'm still affected by And I think
Speaker 3: it's more frustrating because I can't figure out what the
Speaker 3: fuck is the problem?
Speaker 1: Bitch? Why won't you just stop? It's frustrating for me?
Speaker 3: Like you, I can give advice to any of my
Speaker 3: friends and say this is crazy, this is wrong. I
Speaker 3: you know, it's easy to judge somebody else, but when
Speaker 3: it's you, I don't know, Like I want to be gentle,
Speaker 3: like we're supposed to be gentle with ourselves, but also
Speaker 3: it's like, bitch, what the fuck are you doing?
Speaker 1: It's like a strange it's a strange like it's a.
Speaker 2: Strange place to be.
Speaker 4: And when you're that self aware, you know, yeah, you think.
Speaker 4: You just have to think about what happens in those
Speaker 4: moments that you make those decisions like what what do
Speaker 4: you What is it that you're you say to yourself?
Speaker 4: What is the conversation you have or don't have?
Speaker 2: What is like?
Speaker 1: Where? What do you?
Speaker 4: What your what is your mental state? Like are you
Speaker 4: drunk during that time? Are you smoking weed during that?
Speaker 4: Like these are all things you have to pick apart,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean. And it's like you have
Speaker 4: to then make decisions based on that, like not the
Speaker 4: overall thing, but like, yeah, I mean, I don't know,
Speaker 4: I'm not a fucking therapist. That's the only way. That's
Speaker 4: the only thing I could think of is like me too,
Speaker 4: because I know I've done stuff repeatedly that have taken
Speaker 4: me time to learn.
Speaker 2: I think you know, you are.
Speaker 4: So loving and you are so forgiving, even though you
Speaker 4: act like you're not. You act like you're not forgiving,
Speaker 4: and you'll cut a bitch off. You are one of
Speaker 4: the most forgiving people I've ever met. You have like
Speaker 4: a heart of and I think it's like you have
Speaker 4: to like work on the forgiveness of yourself and not
Speaker 4: putting so much forgiveness in other people and allowing them to,
Speaker 4: you know, have that power over you, whatever it is.
Speaker 4: I mean, only you know what it is. And I
Speaker 4: know I know what that's like, you know, people having
Speaker 4: that capacity over you. And it feels like, how do
Speaker 4: you how I'm in I can't control myself here in
Speaker 4: this space. I can do it here and here and here,
Speaker 4: but here I can't.
Speaker 3: It's I'm just like and then it's not like there
Speaker 3: haven't been consequences, you know there are. And I'm like,
Speaker 3: why am I not learning from these mistakes over and over?
Speaker 3: Why am I putting my body through this? Why am
Speaker 3: I putting my soul through this? My feelings going up
Speaker 3: and down? Why am I doing this? And I can't,
Speaker 3: for the fucking I can't figure it out. I mean obviously,
Speaker 3: I just have to be better. There's just like a
Speaker 3: point where you just decide you're going to be better,
Speaker 3: but you.
Speaker 2: Have to start believing, like treating maybe the the traumas
Speaker 2: of men and people making you feel that maybe you
Speaker 2: are worthless is what it is. You feel like you'll.
Speaker 4: Be okay, I'm fine, Like my body's fine, this is fine.
Speaker 4: You're not valuing and putting all of that into yourself
Speaker 4: because some part of you believes it, you know.
Speaker 3: And maybe even like having a partner who maybe believed
Speaker 3: it or did it, it was.
Speaker 2: Too much for you. You wanted him to unvalidate you. Be
Speaker 2: like all of them. You're just all of them are
Speaker 2: the same.
Speaker 3: There's no way you can't be like everybody else because
Speaker 3: that doesn't exist. I don't know, but I had a roughbeacond,
Speaker 3: and you know what, I guess I haven't been dumped
Speaker 3: lately or in a long time because.
Speaker 1: This wasn't fun.
Speaker 3: It's not fun being sad or feeling like, you know,
Speaker 3: like you you fuck something up that was a good
Speaker 3: thing and I hurt somebody, and that you know, I
Speaker 3: never want to I don't want to hurt. Well.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry that you've had a hard weekend.
Speaker 4: But I know that you know your I'm seeing the
Speaker 4: changes that you're making. You have made changes. Don't be
Speaker 4: so hard on yourself.
Speaker 2: You have, I mean there's things, but like you have.
Speaker 3: I mean, I've I'm a come a long way from
Speaker 3: maybe two years ago, even if I'm still fucking up
Speaker 3: a lot.
Speaker 4: I think, I think if I'm gonna be honest, I
Speaker 4: think one of your mistakes that you made in this
Speaker 4: thing is thinking that he wouldn't accept you for all
Speaker 4: of you and like being totally honest with like everything
Speaker 4: that you that you actually really I think need if
Speaker 4: you're gonna be a relationship, the space and the things
Speaker 4: that you need, and not that he didn't give you space,
Speaker 4: but I felt like he was down. He's teased down
Speaker 4: to like take whatever you throw at him. And I
Speaker 4: think sometimes you get scared.
Speaker 1: And you have no reason to be like you are.
Speaker 4: Amazing at your full capacity, like even the things that
Speaker 4: you want and the way that you might need to
Speaker 4: view relationships and how you really view relationships, and that
Speaker 4: could be like a scary conversation when you're with someone
Speaker 4: that maybe doesn't want that right you know, but it's like, no,
Speaker 4: this is what works for me, and like that I feel,
Speaker 4: I don't know, you have to give people the opportunity.
Speaker 4: You can't just give them half and then expect different results.
Speaker 4: You know how parent hood forces you.
Speaker 2: You can't run away anymore. You can, you could, but
Speaker 2: you won't and I know you, and I know you can't.
Speaker 2: You won't.
Speaker 4: You have to just put yourself first and think about too,
Speaker 4: you know, like what kind of change you want for
Speaker 4: Luna too, because I feel like you know you are
Speaker 4: you're very much like your parents' daughter, you know, but
Speaker 4: you're self aware of it, but you are. You do
Speaker 4: repeat some of the shit they do, I know, like
Speaker 4: everybody else, you know, me to me included, I do
Speaker 4: shit where I'm like, oh my god, that is exactly
Speaker 4: like my mom. And that's my least favorite thing about her,
Speaker 4: you know, m.
Speaker 2: You know, so, I don't know.
Speaker 4: I think you just have to eliminate the You have
Speaker 4: to just I tell you, like, one thing at a time.
Speaker 4: Just eliminate one thing at a time. It's like you
Speaker 4: don't have to be change all these things immediately. And
Speaker 4: what I was saying is just like the honesty thing,
Speaker 4: like you're so honest. Look at you, like right here, like,
Speaker 4: you know, we've done this thing every week because of honesty,
Speaker 4: Like people you know, relate to this shit right here
Speaker 4: because of honesty, Like you have the capacity to be
Speaker 4: totally and completely honest. You just have to know that,
Speaker 4: Like you're not gonna leave because of that. I will
Speaker 4: leave though if you're not.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do think I have some attachment issues or
Speaker 3: abandonment issues or whatever the fuck whatever way, but I
Speaker 3: I even noticed because me, okay, so I told Eric
Speaker 3: at this, but me and my mom got into an
Speaker 3: argument in front of Luna. Me we gotta have an
Speaker 3: interesting relationship. But we got into a fight in front
Speaker 3: of Luna and she was cursing me out basically in
Speaker 3: front of Luna, like get the fuck out of.
Speaker 1: My car, fuck you bitch.
Speaker 3: And Luna was in the back seat like turning up
Speaker 3: Like I just got quiet because I realized she was
Speaker 3: driving a little erratic. My kid was in the car,
Speaker 3: and I wasn't about to win. I was just like,
Speaker 3: let me get to where we're about to go and
Speaker 3: let me get out. So I wasn't really saying much,
Speaker 3: but I noticed my ghetto ass baby and the back seat.
Speaker 1: Was like my mom stopped talking to my mom like
Speaker 1: that be quiet. My mom start arguing and.
Speaker 3: She was like turned up, like completely turned up like
Speaker 3: I was.
Speaker 1: She was yelling at my mom and I.
Speaker 3: Wasn't even really yelling, and I was like, this is
Speaker 3: absolutely insane. So we get out the car and I
Speaker 3: get in the elevator and I start crying because it
Speaker 3: was just a lot in like a ten minute period.
Speaker 3: You know, me and my mom have a very up
Speaker 3: and down relationship. There's issues that she needs to do with,
Speaker 3: even to the point where I'm like, I don't should
Speaker 3: I cut her off? Like should I? Should I? Can
Speaker 3: I not be around her? Can I not let my
Speaker 3: baby be around her? Because it's so unpredictable, Like this
Speaker 3: is not okay.
Speaker 1: And I was.
Speaker 3: Crying in the elevator and Luna was like surprise, like
Speaker 3: why are you crying? Like hugging me, but she was
Speaker 3: so unfazed by this entire exchange. It was so like
Speaker 3: to her like yay, I'm a customer, Grandma out, I'm
Speaker 3: gonna get out and we're gonna keep going about the day.
Speaker 3: And I was like, oh my god, this is crazy.
Speaker 3: Like my parents fought a lot growing up. I saw
Speaker 3: that a lot, to the point where when I turn
Speaker 3: eighteen and I moved to Atlanta, I was like, don't
Speaker 3: fucking call me. I was like, I was counting down
Speaker 3: the school months when I was about to move. I'm like,
Speaker 3: I can't wait to get the I was telling them,
Speaker 3: I can't wait to get the fuckup out of here.
Speaker 3: So for to see my daughter do play very easily
Speaker 3: into the same kind of like normal normalcy.
Speaker 1: It scared me, it did.
Speaker 3: And then like I was upset and like that's another thing,
Speaker 3: like I can talk, but I don't like to talk
Speaker 3: about my own shit. I feel like I haven't been
Speaker 3: taught to talk about shit like that, Like like it's
Speaker 3: so it's so personal. It's my family. You don't talk
Speaker 3: about your family. You don't talk about those type of
Speaker 3: personal things, and like you just keep it pushing. So
Speaker 3: I called Erica and like talk to her for a minute,
Speaker 3: and then I had I called adventure Bay. I called
Speaker 3: my boyfriend because I was like, Okay, that's what you're
Speaker 3: supposed to do when you're upset, right, and then whatever,
Speaker 3: he's like, you know, later that night, hours later, we
Speaker 3: went out, we went to chill and he picked me
Speaker 3: up and he like he's like, oh, I got a
Speaker 3: some liquor. Let's go to the park and you'll talk
Speaker 3: for a little bit. And immediately I was like, fuck,
Speaker 3: he's gonna want to talk about this shit that I
Speaker 3: told him about, and I got anxiety and I was
Speaker 3: like this nigga always want to talk. But it was
Speaker 3: just me, like I didn't want to talk about my
Speaker 3: personal shit. I don't want to be crying and being
Speaker 3: on emo about like family shit.
Speaker 1: You know, that's immediately how I felt.
Speaker 3: I felt like ugh, and I even projected it, like
Speaker 3: as if he was the emotional one, and I like,
Speaker 3: I was annoyed.
Speaker 1: And when I got to the park, I knew he
Speaker 1: was about to ask me.
Speaker 3: He's like, so tell me about your day, because that's
Speaker 3: the kind of nigga. He is, like a very nigga
Speaker 3: who wants to be a part of your life and
Speaker 3: know what's going on, you know, like a good one.
Speaker 1: So I was like wow. I was like, let me
Speaker 1: tell you. I'm really feeling anxiety.
Speaker 3: You have this conversation, I don't really want to talk
Speaker 3: about it, and he's like okay, and I was like,
Speaker 3: I know I told you earlier this happened, so it
Speaker 3: doesn't make a lot of sense. But I'm realizing I
Speaker 3: have I'm having anxiety talking about like opening up about
Speaker 3: this like very personal shit to me.
Speaker 1: And I'm that way, Like we could talk here all
Speaker 1: the time, and I do.
Speaker 3: We get very honest, but there's a lot of shit,
Speaker 3: you don't know what going on between and Ericas and
Speaker 3: I was live, like we got a lot of shit,
Speaker 3: like it could look it sound cool, but there's still
Speaker 3: so much shit. We're all human, we're both human, and
Speaker 3: so I was just like I even with Erica, like
Speaker 3: as much as we see each other every day and
Speaker 3: all the time and we're best friends, we've only been
Speaker 3: best friends for like two and a half years, as
Speaker 3: long as the podcast has existed, and even times like
Speaker 3: it's taken, you know, as much as I've opened up
Speaker 3: to Erica in a short period of time, it's taken
Speaker 3: us to be hanging out every fucking day for that
Speaker 3: to happen, right like, because I don't feel comfortable doing that.
Speaker 3: And so I just realize there's a lot of shit
Speaker 3: that needs to be healed, and that it will inevitably
Speaker 3: bleed over to my seed or whatever, to my offspring
Speaker 3: if I don't correct it now.
Speaker 1: And so it's becoming more urgent where I think in your.
Speaker 3: Twenties, you're like can you could just keep doing going
Speaker 3: in cycles without really questioning it, But when you physically
Speaker 3: see somebody else absorbing that toxicity, you're like, oh, fuck,
Speaker 3: Like am I what am I doing?
Speaker 1: How can I stop this?
Speaker 3: And even like this is long, So even right before
Speaker 3: all this stuff I got broken up with, he had
Speaker 3: made a comment to me after I've told him about this.
Speaker 1: He was just like, you know, about our future and
Speaker 1: about like.
Speaker 3: Really hoping that we can create an environment that will,
Speaker 3: you know, continue the pattern of trauma that we've both
Speaker 3: experienced in our family life.
Speaker 1: And I never had a nigga say that to me.
Speaker 3: I've never even had a partner who was like like
Speaker 3: in tune enough to say that, And that you know,
Speaker 3: meant a lot to me at that time. But I
Speaker 3: think and all honestly, it just also scares the shit
Speaker 3: out of me. Someone who's serious and real and seems
Speaker 3: like there's a potential for it to be like Wow,
Speaker 3: there's really nothing wrong with this person. It's very very scary,
Speaker 3: and I just think I got scared, and I've been
Speaker 3: scared and I've been looking for a reason to fuck
Speaker 3: it up. I've been looking for a reason to say
Speaker 3: there's something wrong, like he doesn't travel the same way
Speaker 3: as me, he sends too many links, whatever the fuck,
Speaker 3: crazy shit I pull out of the sky or whatever
Speaker 3: like it could be because it's like something in my gut,
Speaker 3: or it's something that I need to work on, like
Speaker 3: just being okay with being in a space for someone
Speaker 3: where it's actually healthy, you know. And so I have
Speaker 3: a lot of work to do, and that's why I
Speaker 3: need to call better help.
Speaker 2: Yeah, have you been talking about her?
Speaker 4: Hope?
Speaker 3: No, I took a break, but I need to go
Speaker 3: back because clearly I have issues that I need to
Speaker 3: work on and that I'm happy that I said this
Speaker 3: today that I have problems talking about myself because even
Speaker 3: in therapy, I find myself like kind of like talking
Speaker 3: like I can I can therapize myself like I'm rational
Speaker 3: as fuck.
Speaker 1: I'm not smart. I'm rational though, so.
Speaker 3: A lot of them, but a lot like a lot
Speaker 3: of times I can I can feel myself being guarded
Speaker 3: in certain places saying shit but not really saying it
Speaker 3: because it feels too emotional. So I just I think
Speaker 3: I have to just reapproach my life with a different
Speaker 3: set of like skills and applying myself and really being
Speaker 3: vulnerable and really being like really not giving a fuck,
Speaker 3: you know, really not giving a fuck, being able to
Speaker 3: like unhinge and like unravel and just being like this
Speaker 3: is it. Like sorry, sorry, Like this is where I'm
Speaker 3: at right now. Like it's not the best, it's not
Speaker 3: my best, but like I'm going through a transition, which
Speaker 3: is really hard for me to say, because I have,
Speaker 3: like we all have expectations of ourselves where we should
Speaker 3: be and where we're gonna what we're gonna do, and
Speaker 3: what amount of time. And I'm this age and I
Speaker 3: have a baby, so I should definitely have this or
Speaker 3: my friends have this. Everybody on Instagram has a fucking husband,
Speaker 3: is on baby number two, and everybody seems to be
Speaker 3: rich and I don't know how because LA's house buying houses?
Speaker 1: Everybody? How's everyone buying houses?
Speaker 2: I'm like, who is money to buy houses?
Speaker 1: What do you do?
Speaker 2: How when?
Speaker 1: Like where what my friends talk?
Speaker 3: My friends talk about buying houses like oh, well it's
Speaker 3: one point a and like.
Speaker 1: One point eight thousand? What the fuck? Where do I?
Speaker 1: Why do I live here? Why did I come here?
Speaker 3: What am I gonna do here, Like honestly, it gives
Speaker 3: me anxiety, and so I'm just sorry this is a ram.
Speaker 4: No, but I no, I think that you just figured
Speaker 4: out what you need to do. I think that's really
Speaker 4: like you just need to start talking more. But like honestly, yes, yes, yes,
Speaker 4: not talking about a problem.
Speaker 1: Talking no problem talking no, And like that's.
Speaker 4: The practice right there, Like when someone asks you how
Speaker 4: you're doing and you're not okay, not being like I'm good,
Speaker 4: grom fine, Like really, if someone's asking, it's because they
Speaker 4: want to they want to make sure, and like maybe
Speaker 4: you don't feel comfortable with telling that specific person, but
Speaker 4: don't feel that way with everybody. Give people the chance
Speaker 4: to help you and to like be there for you
Speaker 4: and support you and show up for you.
Speaker 1: That's also really hard for me.
Speaker 3: When he was trying to like help me, I was
Speaker 3: just like it's okay, like and I don't need that,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 1: Like I wouldn't.
Speaker 3: I don't want to ask. It's hard for me to accept.
Speaker 3: It's hard for me to be like I'm vulnerable, I'm
Speaker 3: fucked up right now. Like it's hard for me to
Speaker 3: say those things. And I think it's a lot because
Speaker 3: in my family, Like it's like this.
Speaker 1: Is our business.
Speaker 3: You know, you don't tell your business, Like these are
Speaker 3: things like to me like make me.
Speaker 1: Look weak or feel weak even saying.
Speaker 3: But the truth is, like we're human and there's going
Speaker 3: to be ups and there's going to be downs, and
Speaker 3: like that's just life. And just like I'm always happy,
Speaker 3: though I'm generally a happy person, Like my circumstances doesn't
Speaker 3: really equate my happiness, but like sometimes I am super
Speaker 3: emotional and I want to get out of bed, and
Speaker 3: I'm like lazy and I'm not doing the things I
Speaker 3: know I need to do because.
Speaker 1: There's probably shit I need to work through.
Speaker 4: And that you had like a very intense few weeks girl,
Speaker 4: like you know with your the thing with your mom,
Speaker 4: and you know, just there's underlying things happening and you
Speaker 4: just have to start checking things off the list and
Speaker 4: giving your releasing the pressure of certain things. And if
Speaker 4: that means like taking a break from your mom, then
Speaker 4: do that. You know what I mean, She's always to
Speaker 4: me your mother, but like you, sometimes you have to
Speaker 4: set boundaries and sometimes it's with your parents and like
Speaker 4: as a parent, now, like that scares the fuck.
Speaker 2: Out of me.
Speaker 4: But like I'd rather do that than Luna said a
Speaker 4: boundary with you later because you didn't do the work
Speaker 4: you had to do.
Speaker 1: Imagine that. Imagine how that would feel, you know.
Speaker 4: And I think I think being honest and vulnerable and whatever,
Speaker 4: whether that's with therapy, with me, with whoever you feel
Speaker 4: comfortable with, and do that.
Speaker 2: You have to talk for things. Do you see how
Speaker 2: much you just talked through right now, and like you
Speaker 2: have to do that.
Speaker 1: I guess at the end of the day, like we
Speaker 1: could all be scared of being judged.
Speaker 3: I mean we all are to some capacity scared of
Speaker 3: being judged, scared to be looked at a certain way,
Speaker 3: or you know, someone be able to say something negative
Speaker 3: about you. But at the end of the day, like
Speaker 3: everybody goes through shit, so the same person casting judgment
Speaker 3: has their own shit going on all the time.
Speaker 1: You know, there's nobody out here doing perfect, No, absolutely not.
Speaker 3: And I think, you know, we're in such an age
Speaker 3: of social media where it literally does look like everybody
Speaker 3: else is doing perfect.
Speaker 1: And like we live like we grew up in the valley.
Speaker 1: Most of my friends are doing.
Speaker 3: Pretty well because they have safety debts, they have their parents,
Speaker 3: they have you know, businesses that were given to them,
Speaker 3: or opportunities like you know, for them to figure out
Speaker 3: what their lane is or what they're gonna do, or
Speaker 3: you've you've you've had a net to be like, well,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna try this, so I'm gonna try.
Speaker 1: That where a lot of people don't.
Speaker 3: And when I like living in an environment where all
Speaker 3: of my friends have these that set up, it's like, fuck,
Speaker 3: I'm so far behind or you know, my like.
Speaker 2: But you're not.
Speaker 4: But you're not because take all that in mind, that
Speaker 4: where would they be with all that, all that, all
Speaker 4: those things.
Speaker 3: Well that's just why like social media fucking la its
Speaker 3: shit is so fake.
Speaker 1: You know, the shit is not real. It's not realistic.
Speaker 1: Like we're all out here struggling.
Speaker 3: In something, you know, like whether it be finances, Like
Speaker 3: I'm like, we all hope to be better and we're
Speaker 3: all growing. But you can't compare yourself to other people,
Speaker 3: and you can't expect for everybody to understand where you're at.
Speaker 3: You can't expect for everyone to understand your circumstances or
Speaker 3: where you're at, because some people really don't understand because
Speaker 3: they're not in that situation at all.
Speaker 1: And so it's just like keeping all that in mind, those.
Speaker 2: Might be the people that maybe you don't like.
Speaker 4: I mean, I think you need to constantly communicate and
Speaker 4: open up, but like I just feel like sometimes maybe
Speaker 4: you open up to people that you feel like you
Speaker 4: can't relate and you don't get like you don't get
Speaker 4: really the feedback that you need or that you're expecting,
Speaker 4: and then it turns you off and wanting to talk
Speaker 4: it all again. And then it sets you off and
Speaker 4: you're like, yeah, yeah, I never mind.
Speaker 2: That's why I don't tell people shit, right, you know,
Speaker 2: right right. So finding those people that you feel comfortable
Speaker 2: sharing those.
Speaker 3: Things with, well, well I kind of even felt like
Speaker 3: I wanted to feel that way, and I know it's
Speaker 3: my own self sabotage. Like like I said, with like Adventure Bay,
Speaker 3: I wanted to be like, oh yeah, I knew it.
Speaker 3: Like see, I started opening up and like you know,
Speaker 3: and like I've been in between places.
Speaker 1: I was staying with my mom. Me and my mom
Speaker 1: don't get along well.
Speaker 3: And that's been like very heavy burden on me because
Speaker 3: I do have a kid, because that's.
Speaker 1: Not where any mom wants to be.
Speaker 3: But then at the end of this conversation with him,
Speaker 3: He's like, do you want me to help you get
Speaker 3: your stuff?
Speaker 1: You know I had stuff there.
Speaker 3: Like not a whole bunch of shit are kind of
Speaker 3: but so I'm like collecting my stuff. My Stacy came
Speaker 3: to get me. Thank you Stacy for being a writer.
Speaker 3: She's like, be there in fifteen. Do I need to fight?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, say I love that bitch took my massage table
Speaker 1: from him, like put it in the backseat. Oh man.
Speaker 1: But like I just was like.
Speaker 3: Getting comfortable and having stuff so many places I should
Speaker 3: at Airca's house, I got you had a mama's house.
Speaker 3: I got shit everywhere. My shit is everywhere. I probably
Speaker 3: have a suitcase in five places right now, honestly. But
Speaker 3: like collecting my shit and putting it in my friend's
Speaker 3: car was like I was like having some kind of
Speaker 3: even though I know all of this shit I brought
Speaker 3: upon myself every single thing that happened, like I'm not
Speaker 3: not taking your responssibility.
Speaker 1: But then like.
Speaker 3: Almost that was not satisfying, but like sadly satisfying because
Speaker 3: it's just like I knew I couldn't.
Speaker 6: Be comfortable here, and you know, like I know, like
Speaker 6: I need to stop but then being picked up like
Speaker 6: a baby thing from the mushrooms, but like just getting
Speaker 6: comfortable in places, and then feeling like you're not.
Speaker 1: Comfortable, like you can't be comfortable, you can't be.
Speaker 2: Like there you go again.
Speaker 1: You can't be vulnerable, you can't be just like I'm
Speaker 1: fucked up right now, you know, And it hurt me.
Speaker 3: And I know it's selfish because I know I hurt him,
Speaker 3: but it was just I don't know, I have issues
Speaker 3: and I need to call the therapist, you know, I
Speaker 3: think it's but it's self inflicting.
Speaker 1: I know it is.
Speaker 4: No but you know what, all these things happened. They
Speaker 4: had to these things.
Speaker 2: It had to happen, Mila, like that all this should
Speaker 2: had to happen. You haven't been hurt and been hurting
Speaker 2: like this and acknowledging it in a really long time.
Speaker 2: So like this is.
Speaker 1: All crying like all the time, and it was a
Speaker 1: fuck good.
Speaker 4: It's because your body can't hold attention anymore for you. Your
Speaker 4: body's like, no, bitch, there's no more space. Like the computer,
Speaker 4: there's no more capacity, is full of bit this full
Speaker 4: must release eject eject yet.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's why it's coming through our technology.
Speaker 1: It's me.
Speaker 2: I'm like you. The reasons for me.
Speaker 3: My phone is always full, both computers are always full.
Speaker 3: There's never time technology works smoothly because my my personal
Speaker 3: life is spilling over into our work.
Speaker 2: I think.
Speaker 4: Another good thing I want to challenge you to do
Speaker 4: is like I know you're gonna move soon, and I
Speaker 4: need you to start consolidating. I mean, because it's gonna
Speaker 4: be therapeutic. I'm just telling you, like I think one
Speaker 4: day I'll even help you, Like just bring all your
Speaker 4: shit here and let's go through it. Let's organize it
Speaker 4: so that when you do move, it's not like you
Speaker 4: bringing all this baggage A minimalist no, but like I
Speaker 4: don't even want you to bring all those bags. I
Speaker 4: don't want you all those bags into your new place
Speaker 4: for real. I really feel like there's a lot of
Speaker 4: energy and all that stuff. I know, like we should
Speaker 4: go through it and like we should sort it through,
Speaker 4: wipe it off, put it in its place, so that
Speaker 4: when you're ready.
Speaker 1: To move, you got it and it's.
Speaker 2: Minimal and it's easy and you're not starting somewhere stress out.
Speaker 1: No, I'm not, I'm not.
Speaker 4: I like, you just have to simplify ship and like
Speaker 4: make take the pressure the things that you can control,
Speaker 4: take control of them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't know why I have a problem
Speaker 1: with that.
Speaker 3: I'm I just I do, and I do. I know
Speaker 3: I have to deal with ship head on and I don't.
Speaker 3: That's a big problem with mine, and I just need
Speaker 3: to break it.
Speaker 1: Yes, can you guys go in the other room or
Speaker 1: almost done me? Yeah, cut your shoulder, trying to frank
Speaker 1: you guys a treat?
Speaker 3: Thank yous are like little fairries.
Speaker 1: And another thanks baby thanks. I gotta stop letting her
Speaker 1: watch this. She just watches like these scripted like Disney shows.
Speaker 3: That the one first of all, Andrea Adrianna Grande what
Speaker 3: her name Ariana Grande used to be on it used
Speaker 3: to be on a Disney show.
Speaker 1: Oh, I remember that.
Speaker 3: It's like a scriptive show. It's for older kids. But
Speaker 3: she's like hey Jesse, Yeah, hey, it's like hey Jesse.
Speaker 3: But La is mature, so she can fall along with
Speaker 3: she shouldn't be able fall on with and so she's
Speaker 3: like picking up shit.
Speaker 1: And I don't like it.
Speaker 4: They're not mature, they're just at their age. They're we
Speaker 4: are just not acknowledging that they just understand more ship.
Speaker 2: We want it. We're ready for them to know.
Speaker 3: And then we talked about the moms are like, okay, Jackie.
Speaker 1: We're going to the park.
Speaker 3: The guys, why, Jackie's gonna act like a kid much
Speaker 3: longer than these fucking brats.
Speaker 2: Maybe we should have babied that.
Speaker 1: We should have bathed them long. I should have spoon
Speaker 1: fed them until yesterday.
Speaker 2: Okay, well I know, I don't know.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna go to therapy. I'm gonna go to better
Speaker 3: help and schedule this. As soon as we get off
Speaker 3: of this.
Speaker 2: We're gonna organize your ship. I'm excited because you know
Speaker 2: I love a project.
Speaker 1: I'm met your Erica's project. No, not you, your stuff.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna organize. We're gonna organize all that ship.
Speaker 1: You probably have some cool ship you forgot you had
Speaker 1: that needs to be resurfaced.
Speaker 2: We probably have some ship you need to throw away
Speaker 2: and say.
Speaker 1: You probably get some shit on marketplace to.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, Oh my god, I'm putting everything on
Speaker 4: my Facebook market Oh my god, I'm so so excited.
Speaker 1: My Facebook marketplace is pretty lit.
Speaker 2: Did you want to read this?
Speaker 1: Horry just more? Oh my god, I had you know what,
Speaker 1: I've just noticed. I want to tell that Horyna be
Speaker 1: so long.
Speaker 3: So every time we said we're gonna have a short
Speaker 3: episode and what just us, it's fucking long.
Speaker 1: We never told this.
Speaker 3: Story about the birthday party and about she could forget Cogetter.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that was a good one.
Speaker 1: Can we tell both?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, horry time.
Speaker 2: Who stories?
Speaker 1: Okay, it's hoary time. Oh okay.
Speaker 3: Also, my ex in the midst of this breakup told
Speaker 3: me that I should look into voiceovers for animation porn.
Speaker 1: Oh, And I.
Speaker 3: Was like, I an argument, Like I don't know, I
Speaker 3: don't know how this slid in there, But I.
Speaker 1: Was like, how do you find those job listings? But
Speaker 1: I was like, right, I should like the animate Oh okay.
Speaker 3: Anyway, once upon a time, Erica and I early COVID,
Speaker 3: went to our girlfriends. They are very rich bitch friends.
Speaker 3: She had a very classy birthday party at a mansion
Speaker 3: in Hollywood Hills, and she had like a very select
Speaker 3: few of ten friends come for a private chef dinner.
Speaker 1: And you know, we all got dressed up. It was COVID.
Speaker 1: No one had dressed up in a long time. I
Speaker 1: don't think we posted because we were scared. We were scared.
Speaker 3: We don't want anyone to shame us. We're going to
Speaker 3: a ten person gathering that we went. So, you know,
Speaker 3: we're sitting, we're having drinks and sent two is fucking
Speaker 3: candy in my mouth. Eric is on her our DMS
Speaker 3: and she's like, we have a very special listener. We
Speaker 3: do a very special listener. Like that's another thing. We
Speaker 3: have a very special job. So we have different, like
Speaker 3: very different friends, and they come in all different shapes
Speaker 3: and sizes. That's when like Adventure was looking through my DMS.
Speaker 3: I was like, dude, you can't take any of that
Speaker 3: shit seriously.
Speaker 4: I know.
Speaker 3: I'm like, I was like, I'm a dom in my DM.
Speaker 3: I'm a whole dom. I'm collecting cash apps as a
Speaker 3: dom in my DM. So like, you're gonna get really sidetracked.
Speaker 3: I'm telling me, I guess you could suck come out
Speaker 3: of all our pussies. Never just see them, you know whatever.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I hope that my real stub doesn't
Speaker 3: hear that. Okay, So we have a special friend.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he's in Atlanta. He's out Atlanta.
Speaker 3: We've met him like this point is fun point and
Speaker 3: he has a nice ass Penis, Like.
Speaker 1: Beautiful both beautiful, beautiful Penis.
Speaker 4: I'm talking like eight and a half in me, like night,
Speaker 4: it's growthy, it's nice, it's nine inches and a beautiful,
Speaker 4: Like shit is huge.
Speaker 3: I haven't seen it lately. You're always getting him first.
Speaker 3: Okay when you Okay, he just asked a request one.
Speaker 2: He just sent me some stuff recently.
Speaker 1: Okay, it's just so beautiful.
Speaker 3: Okay, anyway, anyway, I made it very beautiful, bougie private
Speaker 3: chef dinner in the Hollywood Hills. Erica goes, oh, we
Speaker 3: call him sugar, don't ask us why, Sugar. Her just
Speaker 3: DMed me and he wants he wants to meet. He
Speaker 3: wants to he wants me to see him come. But
Speaker 3: I told him I was with ten girls. So I
Speaker 3: asked him if we can all watch him come. So
Speaker 3: we're like, yeah, good idea.
Speaker 2: He's of course he's down because he's a voyeurist.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So she we FaceTime him.
Speaker 4: But I didn't realize you this tep of artist. I
Speaker 4: was very impressed and happy.
Speaker 1: It was like the greatest save everybody's lives.
Speaker 3: She uh facetimed, like I FaceTime Instagram FaceTime him and
Speaker 3: he's jacking jacking off his big beautiful dick, just jacking up,
Speaker 3: and we're all passing the phone around.
Speaker 4: And first of all, we're all at dinner dressed like
Speaker 4: picturesque like dressed.
Speaker 2: It's so nice. No one's dressed this nice in like
Speaker 2: five months.
Speaker 4: And we're at this beautiful house and we're all these
Speaker 4: like horny bitches crouching around a fucking long table, a.
Speaker 3: Long dinner table, just like all like she's standing up
Speaker 3: showing everybody on the phone and we're.
Speaker 2: Passing it around.
Speaker 1: We're like fucking Hyaenas like I'm pulling out a titty.
Speaker 1: It's like giving him inspiration like we were going.
Speaker 3: You would have think we were fucking Hyaenas about to
Speaker 3: go like in on some prey.
Speaker 2: Right then he tells us count down.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, he couldn't have said anything better. We
Speaker 1: got so excited.
Speaker 7: We're like ten nine e seven five four three two
Speaker 7: what And he's not U everywhere and we're like, oh
Speaker 7: my god.
Speaker 4: Crowd goes crazy on QUE you guys on Q, I
Speaker 4: tell you like a movie.
Speaker 1: It was like you can't make this up. I don't.
Speaker 3: We have the best dms that ever lived, And everybody
Speaker 3: was so happy and we even like sent a couple
Speaker 3: of years cash cash cheptain.
Speaker 1: He has a real job, but he was happy to
Speaker 1: do it, but he was.
Speaker 3: He did such an a one performance that I mean wow,
Speaker 3: and not only that, like I just realized a women
Speaker 3: are fucking hyenas, okay, because I think like maybe two
Speaker 3: like an hour later, like her boyfriend, like two guys
Speaker 3: came and the vibe totally change.
Speaker 1: We're like, they're like, hi, are you lasterious? Clever? But
Speaker 1: like five minutes before we're like, like you women also
Speaker 1: got on top of the table.
Speaker 2: We were like howling.
Speaker 3: We were literally howling. Like after it was done, we
Speaker 3: had to look at ourselves like are.
Speaker 1: We was that human? Are we even here?
Speaker 2: Are animals?
Speaker 1: And like do we all need better?
Speaker 3: Somebody called better help group session right now, So I
Speaker 3: don't know vibe. We never teld that story, but it
Speaker 3: was beautiful and shout out to sugar got.
Speaker 1: Okay, here we go.
Speaker 2: Whoor Story number two.
Speaker 1: A year ago, I was dating this guy, let's call
Speaker 1: him Tate.
Speaker 2: I think I knew it wasn't going to work out.
Speaker 4: He was definitely a rebound to get over my baby daddy,
Speaker 4: but still I got tired of playing with my own
Speaker 4: pussy and needed consistent dick, so why not. Anyways, I
Speaker 4: broke up with him one day and one of my
Speaker 4: best guy friends, let's call him Nick, came over to
Speaker 4: take my mind off the situation.
Speaker 2: Taken. Nick had take and Nick was just a tongue twister.
Speaker 2: Tate and Nick had.
Speaker 4: Never talked to each other or officially met, but I'd
Speaker 4: see each other in passing and knew each other only
Speaker 4: through me. So Nick and I were sitting in my
Speaker 4: living room getting high. My Tate pulls up to the
Speaker 4: house and starts blowing up my phone begging me to
Speaker 4: come outside. He knew I was inside with Nick because
Speaker 4: his car was in the driveway, and so he was
Speaker 4: doing anything he could to get me to come outside.
Speaker 4: At one point, I did go outside because it was
Speaker 4: late and I didn't want him causing a scene, so
Speaker 4: I went out to try and.
Speaker 2: Diffuse the situation.
Speaker 4: It was pointless because he got upset and when he
Speaker 4: saw I was wearing just a long T shirts and
Speaker 4: booty shorts and started to argue it was my house,
Speaker 4: I do what I want. So I dubbed that and
Speaker 4: went back inside. That's right, girl, Tate dead ass came
Speaker 4: up to the porch and started kicking at my door,
Speaker 4: like the damn Feds anyways. Now, to be honest, my
Speaker 4: friend is fine as fuck, and I've had a thing
Speaker 4: for him since I was fifteen years old I'm now thirty.
Speaker 4: I always thought he had a thing for me too,
Speaker 4: but we never crossed that line. So we always just
Speaker 4: so We've always just been really close. So Nick got
Speaker 4: annoyed because of the commotion, and was because of the
Speaker 4: commotion that was clearly messing with our high Nick was like,
Speaker 4: what does he think we're doing in here fucking to
Speaker 4: which I jokingly respond, probably well. I turned around and
Speaker 4: he pulled his whole dick out chow. When I tell you,
Speaker 4: he was packing in my head.
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, friend.
Speaker 2: He pushed my head down and I went straight to work.
Speaker 4: I started giving him head right in my living room
Speaker 4: with my ex banging on my front door, literally just
Speaker 4: a few feet away from us. He was playing with
Speaker 4: my He was playing with my pussy, and he clearly
Speaker 4: was loving it and talking about he's been waiting for
Speaker 4: this for years and talking all nasty to me.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 1: At this point, my pussy was throbbing dripping.
Speaker 2: She was ready, he was.
Speaker 4: He finally bent me over and started eating my pussy
Speaker 4: from the back. Things got loud and crazy real quick.
Speaker 4: Keep in mind, the banging on the door is still
Speaker 4: carrying on. Nick ended up picking me up and started
Speaker 4: fucking me on the dining table. Now the table is
Speaker 4: in front of a big window, like almost floor to ceiling,
Speaker 4: and on the other side of the window is my
Speaker 4: front deck that leads to my front door, the front
Speaker 4: door my ex was banging on. So Nick turns me
Speaker 4: around and now I'm getting fucked from the back. He
Speaker 4: had my hair wrapped around his fist, pulling on my
Speaker 4: hair and choking me with his other hand. Damn girl, shit, Oh,
Speaker 4: she's tingling just thinking about it. Right as I start coming,
Speaker 4: I look up and see my ex just standing there
Speaker 4: watching us through the window. Nick's bold assed and opened
Speaker 4: the damn curtain. I thought my ex was going to
Speaker 4: break the damn door down, but Nick didn't stop and
Speaker 4: KNEI he did. I now I'm really throwing it back
Speaker 4: because now I have to show out a few minutes.
Speaker 4: A few minutes in, my ex pulls his dick out
Speaker 4: and starts stroking himself while watching us. This man comes
Speaker 4: up to the window and leans on it, face on
Speaker 4: the glass, hand streaks down the glass like that scene
Speaker 4: in the Titanic.
Speaker 2: I can't our eyes were locked. That shit turned me
Speaker 2: the fuck on. I was coming so hard, streaks down
Speaker 2: the glass like the scene in the Titanic. Our eyes
Speaker 2: were locked. That shit turned me the fuck on. I
Speaker 2: was coming so hard.
Speaker 4: So Nick put me in this position where I was
Speaker 4: holding myself myself up on one side with my one
Speaker 4: leg and one hand, had my other leg up over
Speaker 4: his shoulder.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, kama su true. Wait.
Speaker 4: The table I was on is right next to the
Speaker 4: front door, and I don't know what possessed me to
Speaker 4: reach over with one free hand and unlocked the door.
Speaker 2: But I sure.
Speaker 1: Am done with you.
Speaker 4: This is honestly, I didn't even Oh my god, I'm
Speaker 4: so glad I didn't read this all the way through.
Speaker 4: I read half this, you guys, and I was like,
Speaker 4: oh no, this is happening.
Speaker 2: We're reading this.
Speaker 4: So Nick put me in his position. Okay, wait, where
Speaker 4: am I shit? Okay, and unlocked the door, but I
Speaker 4: sure did. My X walks in and pushes me down
Speaker 4: on my back. So now I'm all laid out on
Speaker 4: the table like a full course meal with one man's
Speaker 4: dick in my pussy and the other one in my mouth,
Speaker 4: and turned into a full blown threesome. They took turns
Speaker 4: eating my pussy and I lost track of how many
Speaker 4: times I came for both of them. A bitch was
Speaker 4: lightheaded as fuck. It was truly a team effort, like
Speaker 4: for real. One of them was like for real. One
Speaker 4: of them was holding me, fucking me in my pussy
Speaker 4: while the other one was giving me anal at.
Speaker 2: The same time.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, your life is a porn.
Speaker 4: I was sporting all over the damn house when I
Speaker 4: tell you I had the best sex of my life.
Speaker 2: Nothing could ever top that.
Speaker 4: Uh yeah, my whole entire life existence Like many lives,
Speaker 4: it's probably fantasy.
Speaker 1: It's porn. Did this happen right, it's too perfect. It's porn.
Speaker 2: Okay, it was like some porn no fantasy shit for everyone.
Speaker 2: I'm sure we legit all had sex till like six
Speaker 2: in the morning. This was like five straight hours of
Speaker 2: NonStop sex. Anyways, in the end, I completely cut off
Speaker 2: my ex after that and never spoke to him again.
Speaker 2: Good farewell sex, though, and my friend has now become
Speaker 2: my permanent fuck buddy the end.
Speaker 1: Wow, that was beautiful that she like that never happens
Speaker 1: to me.
Speaker 2: That's just that's what you call love story. That is
Speaker 2: called that's a hoary love story.
Speaker 1: That is a hory fucking love story. It just happens
Speaker 1: so easily. Just wow, I mean it just turned. It
Speaker 1: took a turn for the better. Okay, Well, well.
Speaker 2: I'm so glad that that. I'm so glad that happened
Speaker 2: for you. Fucking kudos to you.
Speaker 1: Honestly, that is like you like, your whole entire sex
Speaker 1: life is just on ten.
Speaker 2: It's on ten. You've You've topped everyone and everyone.
Speaker 4: Everyone real life porn fantasies like anger, jealousy, TI turn
Speaker 4: turn feast.
Speaker 1: Like that's amazing.
Speaker 4: Anyway, guys, we will catch you guys next week. If
Speaker 4: you guys are interested in joining Better Help, we have
Speaker 4: a link in our description, and also make sure you
Speaker 4: subscribe tour newsletter Goodbomesbad Choices.
Speaker 3: Dot com and to our Patreon because I'm probably gonna
Speaker 3: go into much more deeper detail about my breakup on
Speaker 3: Patreon because I'm scary.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Patreon is where we really like talk about all
Speaker 4: our ship because we get a little nervous one here,
Speaker 4: whether you believe it or not.
Speaker 3: So go to patreon dot com, backslash, good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 3: You can't just go to Patreon and type us in
Speaker 3: because we are explicit, So you got to put the
Speaker 3: whole thing in the search search bar. Patreon dot com,
Speaker 3: Good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 4: Packslash, Good Mom's bat Choices, Instagram, good Moms, but good whatever,
Speaker 4: it's all good moms.
Speaker 2: No, just fine.
Speaker 3: And also, yes, you better fucking comment and review, okay,
Speaker 3: because we said so.
Speaker 1: God damn it. This is important comment and review.
Speaker 2: We bear our souls, we cry. You can leave a review. Okay,
Speaker 2: you know my business.
Speaker 1: You get a ship for freak least you could do.
Speaker 1: It costs you nothing.
Speaker 2: All right, we'll see you guys next week.
Speaker 5: Please like I did the last three s Comboby Lamoiselle
Speaker 5: La ranzol
Speaker 2: Mm hmm