WEBVTT - This Isn't Normal 0:00:20.200 --> 0:00:23.320 Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and 0:00:23.360 --> 0:00:28.480 I'm Jamila. Oh, Jamila's out today? 0:00:28.720 --> 0:00:32.440 All right? I got distracted and even I got he 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:33.200 threw me off there. 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:36.920 Wow, because Jamila and Mila are so I know different. 0:00:36.960 --> 0:00:39.360 I never hear you call yourself that I'm Jamila. My 0:00:39.440 --> 0:00:40.360 name is Jamila. 0:00:40.440 --> 0:00:44.199 I think I call you like I only call you Jamila. Yeah. 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:45.239 So I don't know why you're acting so. 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:48.680 Because I don't ever hear you whatever. Whatever. Moving on, Hi, guys, Hi. 0:00:48.600 --> 0:00:51.840 It's us bickering about my name. 0:00:53.520 --> 0:00:54.480 I can only have one. 0:00:54.560 --> 0:00:56.760 Why is it that every time you start recording, the 0:00:56.800 --> 0:00:59.360 fucking blind ass dog wants to come in. 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:01.440 It's like she's blind, but she knows we're doing this, 0:01:01.520 --> 0:01:07.160 so she knocks. It's like, why, Okay, how are you 0:01:07.240 --> 0:01:08.119 doing this week? 0:01:09.080 --> 0:01:09.520 I'm good. 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:13.480 Actually, I just got back from a little trip to 0:01:13.520 --> 0:01:14.200 Palm Springs. 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:15.200 Oh yeah, how was that? 0:01:16.080 --> 0:01:16.440 It was? 0:01:16.600 --> 0:01:18.920 It was fun, it was good. I went with a 0:01:18.920 --> 0:01:22.120 few girlfriends. Actually was a girl's trip, and then my boyfriend. 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:25.360 Then I noticed that poetry. I was like, it's poetry, baby. 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:26.360 The only guy there? 0:01:26.440 --> 0:01:27.000 Yeah, he was. 0:01:27.319 --> 0:01:29.160 I ended up actually having a friend that was in 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:32.640 town that came through. But originally it wasn't supposed to 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:34.920 be just girls, and so that's when he kind agreed 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:36.520 to come there. Was supposed to be like another dude, 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:38.560 and then like they back he backed out, and then 0:01:38.600 --> 0:01:39.200 it was just him. 0:01:39.400 --> 0:01:41.720 Was he in heaven or was he like overly annoyed? No, 0:01:41.800 --> 0:01:44.440 he's cool, Like he's no, he was. He was very 0:01:44.480 --> 0:01:45.560 cool with the girls. 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:46.280 The ladies. 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:48.200 You know, I had to make sure that I was 0:01:48.240 --> 0:01:50.680 also making sure I was being attended to, hit attentive 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:53.400 and not like just girls tripping it up and being 0:01:53.440 --> 0:01:54.520 like fuck you nigga. 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:59.200 That's what I hate hanging out with guys because they 0:01:59.240 --> 0:02:01.600 always needed to be like don't be like fuck niggas, 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:07.360 go away, let me. 0:02:07.320 --> 0:02:08.200 Get my fuck niggas off. 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:11.200 Okayay god, yeah, No, it was cool. 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:15.120 We rented this house. I just love like Palm Springs, 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:17.520 and they were like retro vibes. You know, it's always 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:20.480 like those like sixties seventies retro houses that are kind 0:02:20.480 --> 0:02:23.760 of like slanted with like big floor to ceiling windows. 0:02:23.919 --> 0:02:25.400 Was it super hot or was it not so hot 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:26.280 that it was hot? 0:02:26.280 --> 0:02:29.000 But my friend went to Palm Springs like three weeks 0:02:29.040 --> 0:02:31.280 ago and said it was like unbearable even with the pool, 0:02:31.360 --> 0:02:32.239 Like the pool was hot. 0:02:32.360 --> 0:02:33.120 That's what I was thinking. 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:36.519 I'm like, sometimes La gets so hot, Palm Springs is 0:02:36.560 --> 0:02:38.520 unbearably hot, Like you can't even go outside to the 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:41.080 pool until it's like five o'clock. 0:02:41.200 --> 0:02:42.440 No, it was good, it was cool. 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:50.040 We did Tesla, which was great, really great until the 0:02:50.280 --> 0:02:54.560 end when I had no more happiness left inside me. 0:02:55.120 --> 0:02:58.799 I was literally like this reminded me of this one 0:02:58.800 --> 0:03:01.160 time when I went to Coachella, like when I was 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:03.560 like twenty two and I did so many drugs that 0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:05.799 like I remember calling my baby daddy and he was 0:03:05.840 --> 0:03:08.360 not my baby daddy at this point, but I called 0:03:08.440 --> 0:03:11.519 him and I was like, Babe, I'm never gonna be 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:14.560 happy again. I'm never gonna be happy. I don't have 0:03:14.639 --> 0:03:17.720 the capacity to be happy ever again. And that's kind 0:03:17.720 --> 0:03:19.560 of like how I felt, because like I was, we were, 0:03:19.639 --> 0:03:23.320 I was, I was. I was just pure euphoria, just 0:03:23.400 --> 0:03:24.440 so happy for how. 0:03:24.280 --> 0:03:27.320 Many hours, like four to five? I took a half. 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:27.840 Yeah. 0:03:27.880 --> 0:03:29.760 Well, then she called me like I was the dealer 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:31.480 and cursed me out, like I have. 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:33.520 No happiness left. It's terrible. 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:36.400 I'm like, bitch, what I was like it was literally 0:03:36.400 --> 0:03:38.280 like a switch. Like I was sitting in the jacuzzie 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:40.720 and I was happy, and then I wasn't anymore. I 0:03:40.840 --> 0:03:42.360 was not and then at that point I was like, 0:03:42.400 --> 0:03:44.360 I need to go have sex. Maybe that'll make make 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:46.240 you happy. Yeah, And then we did and it was great. 0:03:46.400 --> 0:03:49.560 And then I was not only unhappy, but I was tired. 0:03:50.080 --> 0:03:52.440 And then he left to go to the store, and 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:53.640 then I got really sad. 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:56.760 I don't ask me why. I knew he was coming back, 0:03:56.840 --> 0:03:58.320 but like I got hella sad. 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:00.880 And then like my friends were talking to me, and 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:02.560 like one of my girlfriends doesn't like do shit like that, 0:04:02.680 --> 0:04:04.720 so she was just trying to get me to drink. 0:04:05.080 --> 0:04:06.960 She kept like passing me drinks and I was just 0:04:06.960 --> 0:04:10.000 like sitting there just like with no emotion, just like 0:04:10.040 --> 0:04:14.240 staring at them eating dry ass pizza. And then eventually 0:04:14.280 --> 0:04:16.120 like they kept talking and I was like, I'm gonna 0:04:16.160 --> 0:04:18.720 go lay down, and I just laid there with like 0:04:18.839 --> 0:04:23.280 awake but like tired but awake but tired, and I 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:23.600 was like. 0:04:23.600 --> 0:04:26.040 Just let this day be over the next day, do 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:26.520 you feel better? 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:26.720 Well? 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:27.960 Then so he went to the store to go get 0:04:27.960 --> 0:04:29.560 me vitamins. He was like, you need vitamins. 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:32.080 I'm gonna go get you like ashwaganda root, whatever the 0:04:32.120 --> 0:04:32.680 hell it's called. 0:04:33.080 --> 0:04:34.560 He got me all hell all these vitamins. 0:04:34.560 --> 0:04:35.960 When I took them, and the next morning I did 0:04:35.960 --> 0:04:38.120 feel much better, and they were. 0:04:38.040 --> 0:04:38.960 Like, you want to do it again? 0:04:39.040 --> 0:04:42.600 I was like, hell, no, bitch the fuck no, I'm good. 0:04:42.640 --> 0:04:46.400 Here's the thing with ecstasy, guys, you gotta be careful. 0:04:46.920 --> 0:04:47.760 I can't do that shit. 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.800 Honestly, when I take halfs I'm usually good the next day. 0:04:51.400 --> 0:04:53.400 But when I do whole, or if I don't do 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:55.200 a tesla, if I do some other kind of molly 0:04:55.880 --> 0:04:59.200 or ecstasy the next day, it can be not good. 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:02.880 It could be pretty grim. My friends, who's coming to 0:05:02.960 --> 0:05:05.919 the drive in this weekend? I mean, on Friday, we 0:05:05.960 --> 0:05:06.560 have a drive in. 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:08.480 Hey, oh my god, I'm so excited. We're doing our 0:05:08.520 --> 0:05:12.560 first meetup in forever. It feels like five hundred years hellelujah. 0:05:12.600 --> 0:05:14.360 And it's a movie drive in and we're gonna go 0:05:14.400 --> 0:05:15.839 watch next Friday. 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:17.119 And wave at each other from the cars. 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:19.720 You know. My friend told me he was like because 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:20.960 he was like, I've ever been to a drive in. 0:05:21.040 --> 0:05:22.599 I was like, I don't know, and He was like, 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:24.800 the best driving experience I've ever had is in a 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:25.479 pickup truck. 0:05:25.720 --> 0:05:28.080 Well, yeah, because you can. And I was like, do 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:29.599 I need to message my baby daddy? 0:05:29.880 --> 0:05:32.080 Yeah, because we can back it in and then we 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:34.080 could put blankets in the yea, I know. 0:05:34.760 --> 0:05:38.279 We can probably open your trunk too. Yeah, that's how 0:05:38.320 --> 0:05:39.000 you're supposed to do it. 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:41.159 In Atlanta, Ni guts, we out there barbecueing and shit, 0:05:41.480 --> 0:05:44.120 it gets real. You could do like all time, bring weed, 0:05:44.200 --> 0:05:45.680 bring food, where your pajamas. 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:47.159 You ever been to the drive in? I'm like a 0:05:47.200 --> 0:05:48.160 huge fan of the drive in. 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:51.880 I drive to like far places to go to the 0:05:51.920 --> 0:05:53.719 driving because there's not one in La. 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:55.880 Well, I'm excited. 0:05:55.520 --> 0:05:58.240 To go to this drive in me too. I'm excited 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:01.360 comfort La is gonna be my girlfriend. My crazy girlfriend. 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:03.240 Stacey was like, I'm gonna bring a surprise for you. 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:06.320 I'm like, don't bring ecstasy bag, please, I'm already depressed. 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:09.320 Don't bring it. Don't want it. You know I can't 0:06:09.320 --> 0:06:13.839 say no, So don't worry. 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:17.120 If you guys come, I'm not gonna be preer pressuring anyone. 0:06:16.839 --> 0:06:17.440 To do more. 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.080 You take ecstasy like our usual made ups, don't worry. 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:25.640 I'm gonna be a swell, disciplined regular movie watcher. 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:27.080 Oh you are okay, cool? 0:06:28.360 --> 0:06:31.359 Yeah, I mean so the next day, like yeah, I 0:06:31.360 --> 0:06:33.440 had to recover and I was like, I'm just gonna 0:06:33.520 --> 0:06:35.120 drink and it was good and it was great. 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:36.919 I just realized that like those type. 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:39.839 Of things, I can only do like once a few. 0:06:39.680 --> 0:06:43.360 Every like I don't know, six months. I don't really 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:44.960 know how people recover from them quickly. 0:06:45.040 --> 0:06:48.160 I don't know how people do like two ecstasies, three 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:50.520 ecstasies in a row, like three days in a row. 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:51.479 People just keep. 0:06:51.360 --> 0:06:54.120 How do you how do you have any serotonin left 0:06:54.279 --> 0:06:56.120 for to drain out of your brain? 0:06:56.360 --> 0:06:58.640 I don't know. I don't know, but there's no way. 0:06:58.760 --> 0:07:00.680 I was like, there's no fucking I could do this 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:04.360 all the time. I'm just I'm really responsible. Actually that's 0:07:04.400 --> 0:07:06.039 what poetry Bay told me. He was like, you know, 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:09.440 you have like very responsible, illegal fun and I was like, 0:07:09.440 --> 0:07:10.760 you know what, I agree with that. 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:12.240 I agree. 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:14.080 I mean, I'm sure we've made some bad decisions. 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:15.960 I mean I know, but like they just they're still 0:07:16.000 --> 0:07:18.480 like I'm still always like present and being like, yeah, 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:21.720 that's probably I might die. I mean those days I 0:07:21.720 --> 0:07:22.120 think our. 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:24.960 Little except Momchella last year, which. 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:26.800 I mean, we weren't gonna die, we were just gonna 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:28.320 get and abandoned. 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:36.520 Well, this weekend, Adventure Bay broke up with me because 0:07:39.160 --> 0:07:42.600 because of myself, because of my own actions. 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:45.880 I'm not going to go into deep detail right now 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:54.720 because I'm not prepared for that right now. But he 0:07:54.720 --> 0:07:55.600 he's gonna be pissed. 0:07:55.640 --> 0:08:00.240 But whatever, Adventure Bay, you guys don't judge me. First 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:03.280 of all, I stayed at his house. 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:04.160 I took Luna. 0:08:04.160 --> 0:08:07.640 It was my first time staying his house overnight with Luna. 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:08.960 Actually she never been to his house. 0:08:09.000 --> 0:08:10.880 Like I know, we've been on camping and stuff, but 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:13.400 I was already feeling on edge about that. First of all, 0:08:13.440 --> 0:08:15.760 I'm a cancer, and I'm realizing as a thirty two 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:19.760 year old cancer, I am becoming increasingly emotional like I 0:08:19.840 --> 0:08:22.040 used to be. Like my my Gemini side because I'm 0:08:22.040 --> 0:08:24.800 on the cusp usually really straightens me out, like I'm 0:08:24.800 --> 0:08:27.600 not a very emo ass bitch, but like this year, 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:31.080 not so much. I'm just crying all the time. I'm 0:08:31.120 --> 0:08:33.880 just on edge. Everything is a big deal. So I 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:36.320 had to My plan was to take Luna with me 0:08:36.400 --> 0:08:40.040 to my appointment because it was our friend. But also 0:08:40.120 --> 0:08:42.320 she started that bullshit ass Zoom school, so she has 0:08:42.320 --> 0:08:44.520 to be in like the right place at the right time. 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:46.960 So I was running late, and so she was gonna 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:48.520 be late if I took her with me. So I'm like, 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:50.160 you know what he's like, just leave her here, it's fine, 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:52.040 I'm working. She could be on the zoom. 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:56.000 I was like, okay, okay, So I set her up. 0:08:56.080 --> 0:09:02.240 I left, and I was having anxiety about that. 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:03.960 You know, Like one of the things I say is 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:06.200 like I'm never gonna like date a guy and let 0:09:06.280 --> 0:09:09.160 him stay with my kid for extended times. Like, don't 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:11.760 trust niggas, don't trust anybody with your baby. Even though 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:13.839 I don't have a baby, I have like a tween ager. 0:09:15.200 --> 0:09:16.599 So like, as I was walking out the door, he 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:18.440 just looked at me. He's like, you're doing a good job, 0:09:18.559 --> 0:09:19.600 and I was like, thank you. 0:09:19.720 --> 0:09:20.920 And I don't know why. That made me want to cry. 0:09:20.960 --> 0:09:21.880 Everything makes me want to cry. 0:09:22.480 --> 0:09:24.240 So I get to where I'm going and I start 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:27.400 lashing and I said, huh no, no, no, I left 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:31.000 my computer and I shouldn't have done that. I have 0:09:31.880 --> 0:09:36.600 trauma from my baby. Daddy going through my shit, my journals, 0:09:36.679 --> 0:09:38.079 my computer, my phone. 0:09:37.840 --> 0:09:40.880 Any possible ten seconds, anything you could think of. 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:43.840 He will go through. So and I've had like even 0:09:43.880 --> 0:09:45.640 I had a bad history growing up. Remember I made 0:09:45.679 --> 0:09:49.320 that sacred language. I have a secret language from childhood 0:09:49.320 --> 0:09:51.920 because people were going through myself, teachers, my parents, all 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:55.679 types of I have trauma from that. And as soon 0:09:55.720 --> 0:09:57.240 as I got to where I was going, I was like, fuck, 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:01.960 I shouldn't have left my computer there. Sure enough, I 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:04.880 get back and I could tell something is a little 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:08.160 bit off, and I'm like, fuck, what is in my messages? 0:10:08.280 --> 0:10:11.680 What have I done? Like I'll admit I'm not perfect. 0:10:11.760 --> 0:10:15.640 I haven't been perfect, and this guy pretty much has 0:10:15.679 --> 0:10:19.200 been adventure my husband like pretty much perfect. So I 0:10:19.360 --> 0:10:23.480 had no there's no I have no excuses for my behavior. 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:31.120 But I felt super violated. And he didn't say anything. 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.280 He didn't say I went through your shit. But you know, 0:10:33.360 --> 0:10:34.880 you'd be knowing, you know. 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:37.360 When the energy shifts and you're like, oh shit. And 0:10:37.440 --> 0:10:39.199 also a guilty conscience will do that too. 0:10:39.280 --> 0:10:40.640 You'd be like, oh fuck. 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:44.480 Right, you're scanning through the things, and what did I do? 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:45.120 Have I done? 0:10:45.760 --> 0:10:46.560 What did I say? 0:10:46.960 --> 0:10:47.080 So? 0:10:47.240 --> 0:10:47.840 I didn't have. 0:10:48.120 --> 0:10:51.960 I had like super anxiety in my gut, like I 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:52.840 had to get out of there. 0:10:52.880 --> 0:10:55.079 So eventually we left. He dropped us off and I 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:55.680 could tell. 0:10:56.080 --> 0:10:58.120 I was like, I said I love you when I left, 0:10:58.160 --> 0:10:59.720 and he's like, I don't feel that way, and I 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:02.520 was like, okay, great. So when I got to where 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:06.400 I was going, I text like, I fucked up. I'm sorry. 0:11:06.800 --> 0:11:08.680 He's like explained, and I was like, well, let's just 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:11.280 talk in person. And he ghosted me for like three days, 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:13.000 which will make a bitch go fucking nuts. 0:11:14.240 --> 0:11:16.800 So anyway, I finally talked to him, he dumped me. 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:18.760 It got emotional. 0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:24.559 I feel like, I don't know, he's like a computer whiz. 0:11:24.679 --> 0:11:26.560 I don't know how much access to my shit he's 0:11:26.600 --> 0:11:27.600 had for how long. 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:30.480 I don't know. It was just a lot of unanswered questions. 0:11:30.520 --> 0:11:32.040 But at the end of the day, I took I'm 0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:34.960 taking responsibility for my actions because I know that I 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:39.280 was wrong. I'm realizing, like why did I do this? 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:44.920 Because I have Nigad tendencies. It's true, I do. 0:11:45.920 --> 0:11:46.200 I do. 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:49.360 I have nicod tendencies, and I can really separate sex 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:50.760 from emotion easily. 0:11:51.240 --> 0:11:52.440 And also like I have I have. 0:11:53.640 --> 0:11:56.360 I have a lot of mostly had toxic relationships. I've 0:11:56.400 --> 0:11:59.000 had seen toxic relationships, and I guess the part of 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:01.880 me is like, let me prove that this is also toxic. 0:12:02.400 --> 0:12:04.360 You know, like this, this is too good to be true. 0:12:04.679 --> 0:12:06.960 You know this, I don't toxic feels comfortable. 0:12:07.000 --> 0:12:09.640 I don't deserve this and if I maybe, if I 0:12:09.720 --> 0:12:13.959 do this, I'm gonna pull out you know, his true feelings, 0:12:14.679 --> 0:12:17.360 you know, or like maybe I'm playing up to like 0:12:17.520 --> 0:12:21.599 what I've been people have projected on me, and I 0:12:21.600 --> 0:12:23.200 don't know. There's all types of reasons that I have 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:25.920 to like sit down and explore because I feel really 0:12:25.920 --> 0:12:26.480 fucked up. 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:30.600 He's been really good to me, and so he dumbed me. 0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:32.240 Have you ever dumped? 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.520 I'm sure I have, But you know that's I also noticed, 0:12:35.559 --> 0:12:38.439 like I also try to make people dumb me. At 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:45.040 the end, he's like, do you consider yourself a hoe? 0:12:45.840 --> 0:12:50.200 And like mid tiers, I was like, what, no, why 0:12:50.240 --> 0:12:53.920 do you you don't know? What he said like basically guess, 0:12:54.000 --> 0:12:55.840 but like I feel like that's what I was getting. 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.080 That's what I like, Not that I wanted that you 0:12:58.120 --> 0:12:59.760 wanted him to call you a hout. I wanted to 0:12:59.800 --> 0:13:00.600 be like I told you. 0:13:01.080 --> 0:13:02.840 I told you like you're not you're an asshole. 0:13:02.920 --> 0:13:04.880 Yeah, like I knew, like that's I knew that's how 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:05.480 you felt about it. 0:13:05.640 --> 0:13:08.560 Yeah, kind of like I knew it, like I knew 0:13:08.559 --> 0:13:11.079 you were fronting for that. I don't know what, like 0:13:11.160 --> 0:13:15.880 I don't know why, like why that's my weird sick 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:19.320 cycle or why, Like I don't know why. 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:21.959 I don't know why that's like how I felt. 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:26.360 Well. Also, he asked you that, right, Yeah, why did 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:27.080 he ask you that? 0:13:27.160 --> 0:13:30.160 Because he probably wanted me to know that. I'm huh exactly. 0:13:29.800 --> 0:13:33.480 Yeah, well done, so like your feelings are not not 0:13:33.679 --> 0:13:36.600 valid actually, like that was an asshole thing for him 0:13:36.600 --> 0:13:40.320 to say. Also, you're an asshole for whatever whatever you did. 0:13:40.360 --> 0:13:42.600 So you know, I guess it's like a tit for 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:44.840 tat type of situation. He wants you to hurt like 0:13:44.880 --> 0:13:48.360 you hurt that he hurts, like he felt hurt by you. However, 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:54.880 I do feel that when men feel when you men 0:13:55.040 --> 0:13:58.400 use that start using those type of tactics to me, 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:01.640 it's a red flag for like what other ways will 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:02.120 you make. 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:06.240 Me feel like disgraced by my body and the way 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:09.199 I use it? You know, whether or not I'm using 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:11.400 it in the in the ways that we've agreed upon, 0:14:13.720 --> 0:14:15.840 does not make me this or that, you know, And 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:17.600 I want you to know that, like you are not, 0:14:17.720 --> 0:14:19.920 oh yeah, and I know you know that, but I 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:22.360 want you to know that because I know that men 0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:26.040 have violated you. I know that men have said things 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.400 to you that have made you have to question that 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:30.320 in yourself. 0:14:30.480 --> 0:14:33.720 And you are not. And you are just a free 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.240 woman who is trying to figure their shit out right right, 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.720 you know, And like I'm not going to fault him 0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:40.840 for it, because I think he's a good guy, but 0:14:41.000 --> 0:14:43.080 like that can't happen again. 0:14:43.200 --> 0:14:47.160 It's just so I think for me, it's just so predictable. 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:49.320 And I even put myself in that position had it 0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:50.800 been the other way around, and I'd be like, you're 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:51.240 a hoe. 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:53.280 Like I don't know, I don't know. 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:56.720 I just think I think men use that word particularly 0:14:56.760 --> 0:14:59.400 because it's there's so much weight on it. There's been 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:01.760 so much weight on it, so immediately, you know, it 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:04.720 takes you from here to here, like from the woman 0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:06.920 that I loved to like some bitch on the street. 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:08.600 Oh that's what it was. This is what it was. 0:15:09.040 --> 0:15:17.040 Then prior to that question he said, he said. 0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:18.200 You know, it's still it's cool. 0:15:18.400 --> 0:15:21.680 We could still go have drinks, you have good sex, 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:26.200 And I was like, okay, yes, even mid tears, I 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:32.120 was like, listen, we're not gonna go have drinks and 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:33.760 we're not gonna have. 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:37.840 Sex like you. It's not what bothered me about it. 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:40.880 Like keep in mind, I know the niggas out there 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:42.960 like bitch, Okay, I know I'm a fuck up. I 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:46.000 fucked up. I realized that I can't take back those actions. 0:15:46.000 --> 0:15:47.840 I have no I have no real reason why I 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:51.040 did what I did. I don't That's something I have 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:53.600 to explore. There are things that I definitely have to heal. 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:59.440 Me having casual sex for absolutely no reason is not mature, 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:02.080 and I don't know, I have no excuse for that. 0:16:02.800 --> 0:16:05.720 But I feel like that those. 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:09.760 Particular comments were just like the same, like taking me 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:12.080 from here on this pedestal that you've created for me 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:16.280 because he treats me great, and then saying, but I'll 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:19.320 dispose of you this way. I'll just I'll use you 0:16:19.440 --> 0:16:21.240 into like this, like like how you use your like 0:16:21.280 --> 0:16:22.760 how you're letting other people use you. 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.560 And again, I know you're hurt. I know he's hurt. 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:27.480 And the thing about it is like, I know he's 0:16:27.520 --> 0:16:28.280 not capable of that. 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:32.360 He said that to hurt you specifically because I know 0:16:32.560 --> 0:16:35.040 that he's probably not capable of taking you to drinks 0:16:35.040 --> 0:16:36.760 and just fucking you casually because. 0:16:36.520 --> 0:16:37.360 Your sex is good. 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:39.840 No, I know that too, but you know, but that's 0:16:40.040 --> 0:16:42.800 that's what I'm saying, Like he doesn't really feel that 0:16:42.800 --> 0:16:43.720 way at all, and. 0:16:43.680 --> 0:16:48.960 That he said he felt sad for me, which okay, 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.240 that's sad. I mean, okay, I mean, I don't know. 0:16:52.360 --> 0:16:54.400 I just I just took it because what am I 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:57.920 gonna do, right, Like I'm wrong despite the fact that 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:00.560 like you invaded my privacy to get to information. 0:17:00.600 --> 0:17:00.920 I'm wrong. 0:17:00.960 --> 0:17:02.320 I'm dead wrong, which not much I could say, so 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:03.680 I wasn't really trying to defend myself. 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:05.440 But what I did say before I left. 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:07.320 Mid Tiers, I was like, you could you could say 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:09.240 you feel sorry for me, you feel sad for me, 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.920 You could say you know, we can we can fuck occasionally. 0:17:12.240 --> 0:17:14.639 I'm like, but don't forget that this is this was 0:17:14.720 --> 0:17:18.520 real three days ago, you know, Like that's my thing, 0:17:18.640 --> 0:17:20.560 Like we can go through things and we can like 0:17:20.640 --> 0:17:22.320 have disagreements and people. 0:17:22.080 --> 0:17:25.280 Will fuck up. But in the heat of those fuck ups, 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:27.000 like where. 0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:30.040 Like even in hurt, where am I gonna how how 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:30.720 low am. 0:17:30.600 --> 0:17:32.160 I willing to go to make you hurt? 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:34.920 That's something I have a big boundary on because I've 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:38.600