1 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of couch 2 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat. 3 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:18,159 Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you are new and 4 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:20,720 Speaker 1: don't know what couch Talks is, it's the special bonus 5 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,959 Speaker 1: episode of You Need Therapy Podcast where I answer questions 6 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 1: that you guys send to Katherine at younedthapy podcast dot com. 7 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:33,240 Speaker 1: And quick reminder that although I am answering your questions 8 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,559 Speaker 1: in these episodes, this podcast still does not serve as 9 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:40,000 Speaker 1: a replacement or substitute for any actual mental health services 10 00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 1: or service. However, we always hope that it can help 11 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,840 Speaker 1: you in some way wherever you are, especially these listener 12 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:50,520 Speaker 1: questions that I imagine a lot of you guys relate 13 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,960 Speaker 1: to different parts of even if the exact question doesn't 14 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:57,120 Speaker 1: apply to you. We usually do one question a week. 15 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,560 Speaker 1: I keep them anonymous so you can feel safe sending 16 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 1: in your question. I will only read the things that 17 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,440 Speaker 1: you guys share with me, and if you say, hey, 18 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,319 Speaker 1: don't read that part, I also won't read it. So 19 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,600 Speaker 1: if there's anything specific you want me to leave out, 20 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:14,400 Speaker 1: you can let me know that. So today's question is 21 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:16,880 Speaker 1: really good. They're always really good, But I want to 22 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:19,360 Speaker 1: get right into it because it's kind of a longer email, 23 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,120 Speaker 1: and I try to keep these episodes between, you know, 24 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,720 Speaker 1: fifteen twenty minutes. So we're going to get right into it. 25 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,919 Speaker 1: And here it is, Hey, kat, I have a layered 26 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:37,399 Speaker 1: question regarding comparisons or our tendency to automatically compare experiences 27 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,520 Speaker 1: good or bad. Last year, I ended a very emotionally 28 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,240 Speaker 1: abusive marriage. The decision came after over a year of 29 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: intense therapy. Without throwing the terms out lightly or in 30 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 1: a trendy manner, their relationship was textbook narcissistic baiting, isolation, gaslighting, 31 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 1: and manipulation. It took quite some time for me to 32 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,960 Speaker 1: accept this, because, as we know, our feelings are not 33 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,840 Speaker 1: always in alignment with with facts and being rational. Through 34 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: a lot of dedicated work and consistent movement towards healing myself, 35 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,600 Speaker 1: I truly feel like I am in a much better space. 36 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,240 Speaker 1: I feel like I have taken back my power and 37 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:15,120 Speaker 1: gained confidence in the me that was pushed down throughout 38 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:19,359 Speaker 1: the course of the relationship. I feel secure, safe, and happy. 39 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,400 Speaker 1: I feel I have succeeded in creating successful internal boundaries 40 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: and have found joy in the healing. I have focused 41 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,720 Speaker 1: on myself and made protecting this work a top priority. 42 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,280 Speaker 1: Two months ago, I went on a date for context. 43 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: I was not actively seeking relationships, no dating sites, intent, etc. 44 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:42,160 Speaker 1: A former co worker reached out and we reconnected. This 45 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: felt great and natural and non pressured to really be 46 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,519 Speaker 1: anything or have a label. I feel like this person 47 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,640 Speaker 1: exhibits many qualities that align with my values, and his 48 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:55,480 Speaker 1: emotional maturity is extremely high. When we were together, I 49 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 1: feel comfortable and enjoy the conversations and experiences we share, 50 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,800 Speaker 1: Supportive of moving at whatever pace feels right. My challenge 51 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:07,800 Speaker 1: comes with comparison. No matter how hard I attempt to 52 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,040 Speaker 1: reframe my thinking or consciously push these ideas out of 53 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,520 Speaker 1: my mind, they creep in and they take over my feelings. 54 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,320 Speaker 1: With my ex, I felt stereotypical and quotes butterflies and 55 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: just this knowing that he was the one, it felt 56 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,920 Speaker 1: like I couldn't wait for a call or a text. 57 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: I was sucked in anticipating every next step. I now 58 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,919 Speaker 1: know that those are not always good feelings, and much 59 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: of that was love bombing. The challenge is now I'm 60 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: constantly thinking, well, he is nice, but I don't get 61 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: swept off my feet, or I love our time together, 62 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 1: but I'm not missing him the way I would miss blank. 63 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: Is there something wrong with me? Is it normal to 64 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,200 Speaker 1: have these ideas creep in the bottom line? Is I 65 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: feel like a whole person on my own? This fledging 66 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: relationship is a nice addition to what I feel, but 67 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:01,840 Speaker 1: it doesn't feel like my world crumble without it? Is 68 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,840 Speaker 1: that harsh? I am stuck in my own head about this. 69 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,720 Speaker 1: Any ideas thoughts would be helpful. Thank you so much, Ah. 70 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: I love this email. I love this question, and I 71 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 1: love that you have done this work that has got 72 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: you to a place where you feel like a whole 73 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 1: person again. And I think maybe even for the first time, 74 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,080 Speaker 1: you felt like a whole person, like you're not looking 75 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 1: for your other half, like we're taught. That's amazing. And 76 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,560 Speaker 1: I say that knowing that it probably really was a 77 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: long road to get there, especially starting at the space 78 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,000 Speaker 1: or the place of having to acknowledge what was true 79 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 1: about your last relationship or your marriage. And I think 80 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: that this question is going to be helpful for a 81 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,920 Speaker 1: lot of people, people that might not have the same 82 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 1: experiences of you, but also might say similar things as 83 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:50,000 Speaker 1: you are trying to decide if this relationship is what 84 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,919 Speaker 1: you want or maybe you need to walk away, is 85 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: it you know not enough, etc. So from what I'm reading, 86 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,159 Speaker 1: you sound pretty healthy, and I I cannot speak on 87 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,320 Speaker 1: your attachment style or your ex's attachment style or you're 88 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,039 Speaker 1: the new person. I can't speak on that because I 89 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: don't know enough about you. And I imagine maybe you've 90 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,320 Speaker 1: done some of that work on your own with your therapist, 91 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,800 Speaker 1: and so that is something that I want you to 92 00:05:14,839 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 1: take an account. If you did lean towards an insecure 93 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 1: attachment of some sort, whether that was anxious or avoidant you, 94 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,359 Speaker 1: then finding secure attachment is going to look The relationships 95 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: are going to look different. And so it's hard when 96 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 1: we're comparing them. Are we comparing them to something that 97 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: worked in my dysfunction? Right? And something that works in 98 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 1: my dysfunction is not going to work for me now. 99 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,479 Speaker 1: But I have to recognize that. And part of me 100 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: is hearing and what you're saying. Nothing's wrong with where 101 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,160 Speaker 1: you are and in the relationship that you're kind of 102 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: walking into right now, nothing's wrong. You are wondering if 103 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,120 Speaker 1: something is wrong, So you're not feeling something wrong, but 104 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:59,080 Speaker 1: you are wondering if it's not like this, is that bad? 105 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,760 Speaker 1: Is this not good enough? Is that? That's just some 106 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,280 Speaker 1: of the questions that I kind of heard reading this, 107 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 1: and what I want to share for anybody listening is 108 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,359 Speaker 1: not experiencing anxiety when we're dating does not mean that 109 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,240 Speaker 1: you don't care. It does not mean that you don't 110 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: like this person. It doesn't mean that you do, But 111 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,440 Speaker 1: it does not mean that something is wrong when you 112 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,880 Speaker 1: don't have anxiety when you are dating somebody. And that's 113 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,880 Speaker 1: what it sounds like you're saying. Often the butterflies we 114 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: experience and this isn't all or nothing, but often it 115 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:32,040 Speaker 1: is true that the butterflies that we experience, or that 116 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: anticipation for the next text or phone call or date 117 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,360 Speaker 1: or moment when we see that person is more about 118 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 1: our dysfunction and the dysfunction of that relationship and our 119 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,440 Speaker 1: own attachment. And it's important to recognize and acknowledge that 120 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,479 Speaker 1: because we are consumed with a person and their attention 121 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,880 Speaker 1: towards us, that doesn't always mean it is because we 122 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 1: like them. It might be more about us wanting or 123 00:06:56,040 --> 00:07:00,960 Speaker 1: needing them to like us, or needing them or wanting 124 00:07:01,000 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 1: them to be there for us versus like we really 125 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 1: do have genuine feelings towards this person and how we 126 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 1: feel in relationship with them? Right, Sometimes we are constantly 127 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,880 Speaker 1: looking for that calm down and that just looks like obsession. 128 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 1: And I'm wondering, really, what you want to feel? Like? 129 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,400 Speaker 1: What are you wanting to feel in this relationship that 130 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: you don't feel right now? And why is it? He 131 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 1: has nice butt? Could it be he has nice? And right? 132 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,280 Speaker 1: He said he has nice, but I don't feel swept 133 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,920 Speaker 1: off my feet? Could it be? He is nice? And 134 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 1: I'm not sure how I feel yet he is nice, 135 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: and I'm not ready to rush into anything. He is nice, 136 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,680 Speaker 1: and there are so many more things that I still 137 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,960 Speaker 1: want to know about him before I make a decision. 138 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,720 Speaker 1: He has nice, and like those I don't know if 139 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,920 Speaker 1: any of those things are true to you. But when 140 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,520 Speaker 1: we shift that he has nice, but it's like you're 141 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:58,720 Speaker 1: looking for something to be wrong. And being swept off 142 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 1: of our feet is more of something that happens in 143 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:05,440 Speaker 1: movies and romance novels, Right, what does that actually look 144 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,920 Speaker 1: like in a healthy way? It's actually a good question 145 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,040 Speaker 1: if we could describe being swept off our feet, how 146 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: would we describe what that is and would it sound healthy, 147 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,160 Speaker 1: because it sounds like kind of what you're saying is 148 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,400 Speaker 1: like love bombing, Like he is nice and he's not 149 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: love bombing me. It's like, oh, well, that makes sense. 150 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,680 Speaker 1: If he's nice, then he probably isn't gonna do that. 151 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,440 Speaker 1: If he's healthy, he's probably not going to be doing that. 152 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 1: And of course, in the beginning of relationships, we might 153 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,040 Speaker 1: put our best foot forward, and then in the beginning 154 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,760 Speaker 1: of relationships it might be a little bit different. You 155 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,800 Speaker 1: might get a little bit of different kind of attention 156 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,880 Speaker 1: than when you settle down into them. But this being 157 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:42,000 Speaker 1: swept off my feet sometimes that come like I remember 158 00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,760 Speaker 1: when I was swept off my feet. The way I 159 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:46,439 Speaker 1: would describe that, it's like I was like, wait, this 160 00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,840 Speaker 1: person was like buying me all this stuff and taking 161 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,720 Speaker 1: on these vacations and saying all these things about me 162 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,920 Speaker 1: and like randiose kind of things, and it was it's 163 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:02,160 Speaker 1: a very exaggerated experience that felt awesome but was not authentic, 164 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,920 Speaker 1: and at the same time, a little bit stepping back 165 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 1: from it, it's like, WHOA, that's kind of scary that 166 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,439 Speaker 1: you wanted to do all these things for me. And 167 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 1: you didn't really know me and doesn't feel authentic either, right, Like, 168 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,439 Speaker 1: how can you say these things about me if you 169 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: don't really know who I am yet? And so I 170 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:23,520 Speaker 1: think what I'm kind of talking about here, what my 171 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: real point is if you could describe what being swept 172 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 1: off your feet really was? What are you looking for 173 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:33,439 Speaker 1: that to look like? Is that functional? Is that healthy? 174 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,640 Speaker 1: And if not, then maybe we shouldn't put a butt there. 175 00:09:36,679 --> 00:09:38,640 Speaker 1: It should be a and and it should be and 176 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 1: thank god he's not skimming you off my feet. And 177 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,439 Speaker 1: you also said I love our time together, but I'm 178 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:45,600 Speaker 1: not missing him the way I would miss my ex. 179 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,000 Speaker 1: And you also said I love our time together, but 180 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,360 Speaker 1: I'm not missing him the way I would miss my ex. 181 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 1: And again, I'm wondering if you could shift that to 182 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: an and instead of a But I love our time 183 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: together and I'm still able to be present when we 184 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: are not hanging out, and I'm not preoccupied with him 185 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,760 Speaker 1: like I was when my ex was manipulating me. And 186 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,080 Speaker 1: I don't know if those fit, but if those are true, 187 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,240 Speaker 1: how does that kind of change the way you are 188 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 1: framing this potential relationship, this potential partner. Right if It's true. 189 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 1: I love our time together and I'm still able to 190 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,240 Speaker 1: be present when we are not hanging out. That's not 191 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 1: a bad thing. That's like heck, yeah. That sounds like 192 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 1: you are a joint spending time with him, and you're 193 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,040 Speaker 1: able to be present when you're not spending time with him, 194 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,079 Speaker 1: which means that you still have a really good life 195 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:43,160 Speaker 1: outside of this person. And what you are essentially sending 196 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 1: yourself a message is this person does not complete me. 197 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,920 Speaker 1: You are not looking for somebody to complete you. It 198 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 1: sounds like you said, I feel like a whole person 199 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:53,720 Speaker 1: on my own. Therefore, the people that we invite in 200 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 1: our life, yeah, they can make our life better. They 201 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,679 Speaker 1: can be a wonderful addition. My life is better with 202 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: this person in it, but my life is not bad 203 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,320 Speaker 1: without this person. And you might not even say that. 204 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: You might not even say my life is better with them. 205 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,160 Speaker 1: You might say that in your own words. But for 206 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:12,840 Speaker 1: you not to be looking for a piece of a puzzle, 207 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: the experience of finding a healthy partner is not going 208 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: to be this like, oh my god, this moment that 209 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:23,080 Speaker 1: I've been waiting for and it's just perfect, and da 210 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 1: da da da da da da da da da you 211 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 1: know all these things that people say sometimes because there's 212 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,439 Speaker 1: no You're not looking for a piece that fits into 213 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,000 Speaker 1: a puzzle perfectly. You're just seeing, like, Okay, what kind 214 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: of person do I want to invite into my life? 215 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:39,000 Speaker 1: What kind of person would improve my life without taking 216 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,480 Speaker 1: things that I really really value and that I don't 217 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:45,040 Speaker 1: want to give up away? What kind of person or 218 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 1: what does it look like when a person enters into 219 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,880 Speaker 1: my life? There's things that I am willing to shift 220 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:53,800 Speaker 1: because in relationship we do compromise at times, but this 221 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: person is not asking me to give up these actual 222 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,160 Speaker 1: parts of who I am. I can be my whole 223 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:04,079 Speaker 1: self with this human being, and we don't have to 224 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: do some kind of crazy jigsaw figuring out in order 225 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,480 Speaker 1: for me or him to fit together, Like we are 226 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: both allowed to be here as ourselves, and for the 227 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,120 Speaker 1: most part it works. Where we're gonna have bumps and 228 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,200 Speaker 1: some like roadblocks and relationships, but for the most part 229 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,480 Speaker 1: it works. And I don't know if like the calmness 230 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,440 Speaker 1: of this relationship sounds like it might be scaring you 231 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:34,440 Speaker 1: a bit, which is okay. I think healthy can be 232 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: both scary and we've all heard well most of us 233 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,400 Speaker 1: have heard at this point, like how the relationships oftentimes 234 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:44,360 Speaker 1: feel boring when we are used to dysfunction. But it 235 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,560 Speaker 1: might be scary, it might be boring, It might be 236 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 1: some things that you are not expecting, or things that 237 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: are different than what you are used to being told 238 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,640 Speaker 1: about how relationship should be, because I think we're sold 239 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: an illusion of what relationship should feel and look like, 240 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 1: and and a lot of those illusions are just like 241 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:04,079 Speaker 1: not realistic and don't have to be realistic for every 242 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: single person. I'm reading this book called The State of 243 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: Affairs by Esther Perel. It was recommended to me by Stacy, 244 00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:14,880 Speaker 1: who works at Three Quarts Therapy with me, And it's 245 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: such a good book, and the beginning of it is 246 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:18,760 Speaker 1: even like I mean, if it was just for reading 247 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,800 Speaker 1: the first couple chapters, I would have read that book. 248 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: It is so good and jam packed with really interesting 249 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:28,120 Speaker 1: information around what we're taught about relationships and the reality 250 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:31,400 Speaker 1: of them. And she talks about the history of relationships 251 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:34,200 Speaker 1: right how a long time ago, even actually not that 252 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 1: long time ago, and in a lot of cultures this 253 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: is still it. Marriage is more of an economic agreement. 254 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,360 Speaker 1: It's more about sustainability or it can be more about 255 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:48,560 Speaker 1: survival based on a woman's rights or her abilities, like 256 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 1: we need to get married because it's more of a 257 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,760 Speaker 1: business agreement. Things like that. And as the world has shifted, 258 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:00,800 Speaker 1: we've now allowed ourselves in certain cultures to include different 259 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:04,599 Speaker 1: parts into marriage. And back in the day, back in 260 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,720 Speaker 1: the day, I'm like, I mean, and again this could 261 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:10,160 Speaker 1: be demand on the culture right now. But in the 262 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 1: culture that I am in right now, when marriages were 263 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 1: more for business agreements, right or a financial agreement, or 264 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: in order to pass property down or I mean, I 265 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,160 Speaker 1: even think about what is it came of thrones? Patrick 266 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,240 Speaker 1: was watching my husband was watching something. He was telling 267 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,080 Speaker 1: me about, like the marriages and all that. It's like, yes, 268 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,680 Speaker 1: you got married for one reason, and then you would 269 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,800 Speaker 1: have affairs and different things for other reasons. You would 270 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: maybe have an affair and that's where you would get 271 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 1: that love, or you would have an affair and that's 272 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 1: where you would get the enjoyment of your sexual relationship. 273 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,320 Speaker 1: And it wasn't all put on one person. And as 274 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 1: the world has shifted, we have started to create this 275 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 1: idea that our partner can have everything perfectly, they can 276 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 1: be the perfect provider, the perfect lover, the perfect best friend, 277 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: the perfect this the we're looking at one person to 278 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: have all of these things perfectly. And I'm definitely not 279 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,240 Speaker 1: saying this as wonderfully as Esther Perell does, but I 280 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: hope that you can hear. Like the gist of what 281 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: I'm saying is, we put this grandiose idea of what 282 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: somebody can be like, right, we can have all these things. 283 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,760 Speaker 1: Therefore we should have all these things, and so I 284 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: should feel these butterflies around his personality and how he 285 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: makes me feel. I should be so attracted to him 286 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 1: that I should want to jump his bones every five seconds. 287 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:34,200 Speaker 1: And they should work hard and provide me this lifestyle 288 00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,360 Speaker 1: that I want. And they also should allow me to 289 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,640 Speaker 1: have the freedom that I can have now. And they 290 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,840 Speaker 1: all should should be the perfect father or mother or 291 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: you know, they should have all these different things. They 292 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 1: should be my best friend. I should be able to 293 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: trust him with anything. Their humor should be like all 294 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:54,080 Speaker 1: of these things should align perfectly, and that so often 295 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,000 Speaker 1: is not possible. It is rare when we find somebody 296 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,920 Speaker 1: that fits every single criteria that we have. That's why 297 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,080 Speaker 1: with my clients, a lot of times I'll have them 298 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,120 Speaker 1: make these like non negotiable. These lists give me twenty things, 299 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: then we have to cut it down to ten. Then 300 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,400 Speaker 1: we have to cut it down to five, then we 301 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,040 Speaker 1: have to cut it down to three. And those three 302 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,200 Speaker 1: things are the most important things for you, and you 303 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,200 Speaker 1: have to kind of look at if I could get 304 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,680 Speaker 1: these three things, could I be happy? And if not, 305 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000 Speaker 1: let's talk about it. And it doesn't have to be 306 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,400 Speaker 1: like you can only have three things. It just is 307 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,880 Speaker 1: an example of like, Okay, what is the pressure that 308 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: I'm putting on this person and is that possible? And 309 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: what's realistic? And am I actually keeping myself from experiencing 310 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: a really good relationship because of this idea that I 311 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:47,760 Speaker 1: can have it all? And these days, especially women are 312 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: told not to settle and that we deserve xyz and 313 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 1: that sometimes gives us the idea that every single part 314 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 1: of someone has to be just right or I'm not 315 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,160 Speaker 1: recognizing my worth, and that's really not true all of 316 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,160 Speaker 1: the time. In the book, as their prel talks about 317 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,800 Speaker 1: some people that she's talked to who have been in 318 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 1: relationships and there has been some sort of betrayal, and 319 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:11,440 Speaker 1: it's really tough on the person that has been betrayed 320 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: because they are told by the world and the people 321 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:19,880 Speaker 1: around them, maybe friends, family, you're worth more than that. 322 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,959 Speaker 1: How you do not need to stay with that person, 323 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,879 Speaker 1: know you're worth and leave, go find somebody else. And 324 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 1: that's hard when like, maybe that's not what they want, 325 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,960 Speaker 1: and maybe they have the capacity to forgive, and actually 326 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,239 Speaker 1: their relationship might in some interesting way improve because of 327 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: that experience that they had together. And because they have 328 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,320 Speaker 1: the ability to leave, they are told that they should leave. 329 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:47,040 Speaker 1: And because we have the ability to have XYZ, we 330 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:48,800 Speaker 1: are told that we should have those things. And it 331 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,159 Speaker 1: takes away our ability to really recognize what's true for 332 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,760 Speaker 1: us and what we want. And I kind of went 333 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:57,679 Speaker 1: down that trail, not because all of that applies to you, 334 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,720 Speaker 1: is because sometimes that gets in the way of what 335 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:05,439 Speaker 1: we assume and what we are wanting and expecting real healthy, 336 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,840 Speaker 1: good relationships to feel like. And something that I share 337 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:13,600 Speaker 1: with clients who want to jump ship when things aren't perfect, 338 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:17,879 Speaker 1: and I notice them finding these like very interesting things 339 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:20,640 Speaker 1: to pick at and pinpoint and pick a part about 340 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:24,280 Speaker 1: the person in order to give them some leverage to 341 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,879 Speaker 1: leave and walk away, something that I ask is okay 342 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,080 Speaker 1: when it comes down to it. Do you want to 343 00:18:30,119 --> 00:18:32,680 Speaker 1: see this person again? Are you interested in learning more 344 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,359 Speaker 1: about this person? Is there a part of you that 345 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:37,320 Speaker 1: wants to spend more time with this person? And if 346 00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 1: they say yes, you just follow that. You follow that 347 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 1: until you have grounds for why this person might not 348 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,280 Speaker 1: be a good match for you outside of like he 349 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,560 Speaker 1: wore cargo shorts, you know, and for you it's like 350 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,960 Speaker 1: outside of I don't miss him the way I used 351 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: to miss my ex. Okay, well, why would you want 352 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 1: to see him again? And if you have an answer 353 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,040 Speaker 1: that feels good to you, follow that. You don't have 354 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,719 Speaker 1: to know if this person's going to be your boyfriend. 355 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,040 Speaker 1: You don't have to know if this person's going to 356 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,199 Speaker 1: be your husband. You don't have to know if this 357 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,040 Speaker 1: person's going to be the father of your child or 358 00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,439 Speaker 1: your next child or whatever. You don't have to know 359 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,240 Speaker 1: any of that. What you have to know is there 360 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:18,720 Speaker 1: is there a part of me that wants to get 361 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,000 Speaker 1: to know this person more. Is there a part of 362 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,919 Speaker 1: me that wants to spend more time with this person? 363 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:26,480 Speaker 1: And I think we just want to know so fast 364 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:29,240 Speaker 1: that this is the person for us that if we 365 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:33,160 Speaker 1: don't know that really fast, right then it's not, and 366 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,359 Speaker 1: that's not always the case relationships and getting to know 367 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,560 Speaker 1: if somebody takes time. Right, we're in this world now 368 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,959 Speaker 1: where you know, we just trauma dump on people and 369 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,719 Speaker 1: we find out people's deepest, darkest secrets before we actually 370 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,639 Speaker 1: know what it feels like to be with this person, 371 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:54,160 Speaker 1: and before we have the ability to build up consistency 372 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,960 Speaker 1: of knowing somebody right, which is where we get trust 373 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:01,360 Speaker 1: by consistency of seeing somebody. And so maybe just you said, 374 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,439 Speaker 1: this person is not in a rush, right, He's allowing 375 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,080 Speaker 1: you space and there's no pressure. It sounds pretty nice 376 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,600 Speaker 1: that your world wouldn't crumble without this person, And it 377 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: actually sounds like if your world would crumble without this 378 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,120 Speaker 1: person after two months, then we've got some more work 379 00:20:15,119 --> 00:20:17,680 Speaker 1: to do before maybe you are ready to be in 380 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 1: a relationship with somebody. So I hope that was helpful 381 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,399 Speaker 1: to you. I hope that was helpful for other people listening. 382 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: And I hope that you're proud of yourself for the 383 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:29,120 Speaker 1: work that you've done to be able to say like, yeah, 384 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,440 Speaker 1: I'm good, I actually am. I'm a whole person. I'm good. 385 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 1: I'm learning to lean on myself more than the approval 386 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,199 Speaker 1: or the presence of somebody else is a huge and 387 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,359 Speaker 1: so I'm putting pieces of this email together for you 388 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,199 Speaker 1: right now. But you said he is nice and I 389 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: love our time together and I don't feel like my 390 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 1: world would crumble without a relationship right now. So I'm 391 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,240 Speaker 1: in a really good place to be able to make 392 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,679 Speaker 1: a healthy decision if I want to continue seeing this 393 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:02,200 Speaker 1: person or not, because it's a choice, right I get 394 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 1: to choose this versus this is a need I have 395 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,400 Speaker 1: and I can't breathe without it. That's not choosing, it's 396 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,440 Speaker 1: not choosing at all. That feels like survival and that's 397 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:13,800 Speaker 1: what sometimes we do in those really dysfunctional relationships. So 398 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 1: if this is helpful, if you guys have thoughts, feelings, 399 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 1: all of the things, feel free to email me Catherinette 400 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,479 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow us 401 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,000 Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy Podcast and me at cat dot 402 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,040 Speaker 1: defata And until Monday, I hope you guys are having 403 00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,280 Speaker 1: the day you need to have.