1 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:05,120 Speaker 1: I am Younger, your host for this journey. I was 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:09,520 Speaker 1: a hopeless love aholic but just could not get my 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: love to work. Then, after a series of heartbreaks and 4 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:18,920 Speaker 1: deep heartache, I finally got clear about what love is 5 00:00:19,079 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: and what it is not. I want to share some 6 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:27,760 Speaker 1: of what I've learned about love aholism. Welcome to the 7 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership with 8 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:47,480 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. One of the quickest ways to tear 9 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,600 Speaker 1: your relationship down, and to tear yourself down in the process, 10 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: is to expect others to give you what you're not 11 00:00:55,520 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 1: giving to yourself. No matter what the reason is, you 12 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:05,000 Speaker 1: can't give it, but more importantly, if you don't have it, 13 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:11,120 Speaker 1: you can't receive it. So very often in our relationships, 14 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:17,200 Speaker 1: we make other people responsible for giving to us that 15 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:21,320 Speaker 1: which we can only give to ourselves. Sometimes it comes 16 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:26,800 Speaker 1: from childhood trauma. Sometimes it comes from laziness. Sometimes it 17 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:32,080 Speaker 1: comes from just not having the information we need to 18 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: make the next most appropriate steps, and instead of researching 19 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: in and doing what's required on our own, we lean on, 20 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 1: depend on expect other people to do it for us. 21 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: I'm telling you it'll tear your relationship down at all times, 22 00:01:52,400 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: in all situations, under all circumstances, you must vote for you. 23 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,000 Speaker 1: You have to vote for you have to do what's 24 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,040 Speaker 1: right for you. You have to do what's best for you. 25 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,959 Speaker 1: Because sometimes the thing that you're expecting the other person 26 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:15,280 Speaker 1: to give you A they don't have, B, they don't 27 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 1: know how to give it to you, and see they're 28 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 1: just not willing. Doesn't mean you have to do without. 29 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,079 Speaker 1: It simply means you have to figure out how to 30 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:31,080 Speaker 1: give it to yourself. Good afternoon, beloved, Welcome to the 31 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:37,600 Speaker 1: art spot. What is the challenge, issue, dilemma, relationship problem 32 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: you've got going on that we can nibblong together today? Oh, 33 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:48,640 Speaker 1: thank you for calling. Basically, you know, um, I just 34 00:02:48,639 --> 00:02:54,280 Speaker 1: feel like I'm emotionally neglected by the name you know, 35 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:59,280 Speaker 1: women in my life. And you know, every since I 36 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: give the death of my grandmother, she like she really 37 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,959 Speaker 1: you know, let me experience love as a supernatural level, 38 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:13,120 Speaker 1: and I mean every since being you know, I'm filling 39 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:17,600 Speaker 1: in a space where it's just me. You know, at 40 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:24,200 Speaker 1: some point, um, I've been used as an emotional disposal 41 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:28,080 Speaker 1: for you know, the main to women in my life, 42 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:33,080 Speaker 1: and it has kind of shaped my perception of you know, 43 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:40,320 Speaker 1: wanting to be by myself versus you know, being with someone. 44 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,200 Speaker 1: And I mean it is, you know, really really challenge 45 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: my way of thinking when it came to when it 46 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,440 Speaker 1: comes to, you know, as I look at a woman, 47 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,840 Speaker 1: you know, Okay, you said two main women in your life. 48 00:03:54,880 --> 00:04:00,320 Speaker 1: What does that mean? Basically the women that have been 49 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,520 Speaker 1: a part of my life ever since I was young, 50 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:07,160 Speaker 1: basically my mother and my sister. Mother and sister. You 51 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: feel emotionally neglected. What does that mean? Emotionally neglected? What 52 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 1: does that mean? Or how does that look in your 53 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,120 Speaker 1: life as I see it? When I, you know, come 54 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:23,719 Speaker 1: to them to express myself or to try to have 55 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: some type of conversation, I get dismissed, I get the mean, 56 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:33,480 Speaker 1: I get you know, down trotted, and it's just basically 57 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:38,000 Speaker 1: taken my masculinity as as a joke, you know, like 58 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 1: is not being recognized. Okay, So I hear a lot 59 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: of um code language and what you're sharing. You said 60 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:57,479 Speaker 1: they take your masculinity as a joke. You said that 61 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:03,400 Speaker 1: the way you've poortrade yourself. So I need you to 62 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 1: trust yourself enough to break that down for me. What 63 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:12,080 Speaker 1: does that mean? They take your masculinity as a joke 64 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:17,400 Speaker 1: because of the way you portrayed yourself at certain times. 65 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:23,720 Speaker 1: What does that mean? Basically, um, not having a good 66 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,919 Speaker 1: structure of a male figure in my life. It conditioned 67 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,919 Speaker 1: me to not understand who I was as a little boy, 68 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:36,880 Speaker 1: you know, growing up around women and you know, being 69 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 1: looking through certain traumas. It's shaped my perception of how 70 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,520 Speaker 1: I be myself to a point where you know, I 71 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,200 Speaker 1: demean myself for years and didn't understand who I would 72 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:53,240 Speaker 1: as far as my sexuality. So are you saying to 73 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:56,920 Speaker 1: me that you're a gay man? No, I'm not actually 74 00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:02,599 Speaker 1: saying that. I'm saying, um, redefining who I am as 75 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,840 Speaker 1: a man. Okay, So you are redefining who you men 76 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 1: are as a man in terms of, um, how you 77 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,520 Speaker 1: present yourself in the world, in terms of how you 78 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:18,440 Speaker 1: identify sexually, in terms of how you want to be treated. 79 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: Is that accurate? Yea, So are you clear about what 80 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: that definition is? Are you clear? Are you still in 81 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:32,599 Speaker 1: the discovery process? I'm still in this discovery process because 82 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: I feel like life is a discovering process in itself, 83 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:41,560 Speaker 1: and I mean with everything that we are. Uh, you know, 84 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:46,160 Speaker 1: I guess present it with throughout you know, the spiritual 85 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,440 Speaker 1: journey that we're own. It's like, you know, we have 86 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,040 Speaker 1: a lot of stuff that we have to kind of 87 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:55,799 Speaker 1: dismantle in our mind to be able to move forward. 88 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 1: So okay, so I want you to own all of that. 89 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,320 Speaker 1: I want you to own all of that. I have 90 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,839 Speaker 1: a lot of things I need to dismantle in my 91 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: mind as I moved through my spiritual journey because you're 92 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,440 Speaker 1: externalizing it. So when you put it outside of yourself, 93 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,640 Speaker 1: it's like you're talking about somebody else as opposed to 94 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: owning what it is that you're doing. Does that make sense? 95 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 1: So then when you say, as I move through the 96 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:32,360 Speaker 1: spiritual journey, simply means that you're acknowledging to yourself that's 97 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,520 Speaker 1: your own a journey, which it sounds like, is what 98 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,400 Speaker 1: you want them to do. But if you're not doing it, 99 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: how can you expect them to do it. You're not 100 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 1: acknowledging your own journey, but you want other people to 101 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,720 Speaker 1: recognize and acknowledge it. So that's why I'm encouraging you 102 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: to own it. I wouldn't necessarily say I don't acknowledge 103 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: the journey or I'm owned because it's like when I 104 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 1: come to those other individuals that you know I'm around, 105 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: such as my the other the two women in my 106 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:09,680 Speaker 1: life that you know, I leave you so much toward, 107 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:15,000 Speaker 1: you know, when it comes to having that family bonding experience, 108 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 1: they make it evidence that it's not gonna happen. And 109 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:24,440 Speaker 1: that's that in itself is dis empowering for me as 110 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 1: a man, because it's like I have to constantly revert 111 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,720 Speaker 1: back to myself and if I have a certain opinion 112 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:39,600 Speaker 1: or a how cannot say, a mindfulness of something, it's 113 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:46,679 Speaker 1: always being not being accepted. In the other words, dismissed, denied. Yeah, 114 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: why why do you tell yourself they do that? Why 115 00:08:51,679 --> 00:08:57,359 Speaker 1: my sister and my mother dismissed, demean denying me? Because 116 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: because they're powerful women and they have a how can 117 00:09:04,559 --> 00:09:08,880 Speaker 1: I say, it seems like they have a um just 118 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 1: them mindset where I've always been an outcast of some sort, 119 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,439 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And why are you an outcast? 120 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 1: I guess because it's just the way how me and 121 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: my sister's childhoods. We're not together, you know, and now 122 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:34,000 Speaker 1: since we're older, it's it's more evident that I get 123 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,160 Speaker 1: the feeling as if I'm not needed. So you and 124 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: your sister weren't raised together with your mother. Is that 125 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:42,040 Speaker 1: what you're saying? Okay, you were raised by your grandmother. 126 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,360 Speaker 1: She was raised by my grandmother, and I was raised 127 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 1: in the household between my parents, and it was you know, 128 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,679 Speaker 1: a lot of traumatic experiences that took place as far 129 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:58,960 Speaker 1: as you know, me being um molested and everything. And 130 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 1: I mean it was just lot, and I mean I 131 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: have to revise it, all of that now, you know, 132 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,720 Speaker 1: trying to we define myself as a man. Okay, Okay, 133 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:20,120 Speaker 1: take a breath with me. I want to share with 134 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:23,559 Speaker 1: you when I'm hearing, and it may or may not 135 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,960 Speaker 1: be true for you, and that's okay. But if there's 136 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:31,760 Speaker 1: anything here that you can feel or sense or receive, 137 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,200 Speaker 1: then we can dig a little deeper right there. Okay, 138 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:41,600 Speaker 1: So I heard you say that you were raised in 139 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 1: a difficult environment between your parents where you experience some trauma, 140 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:56,080 Speaker 1: including being sexually molested. Right I'm going to take a 141 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,839 Speaker 1: leap here and say that when that happened, it was 142 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:07,680 Speaker 1: an addressed accurate it was it wasn't addressed. Okay, did 143 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 1: they know or did they know and not address it? 144 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,080 Speaker 1: They knew, and they did not address it. It kind 145 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:21,200 Speaker 1: of it kind of weighed down on their relationship. And 146 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:26,679 Speaker 1: that's what I guess broke up that um, you know 147 00:11:27,559 --> 00:11:32,080 Speaker 1: union between them two. And you know, for years it 148 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,400 Speaker 1: was like I didn't get therapy. So it was like 149 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,800 Speaker 1: boom boom boom. You know, traumatic experience after traumatic experience. 150 00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:44,880 Speaker 1: And I mean that that really, you know, challenges somebody mentally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. 151 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:49,360 Speaker 1: So I want to say, I want to ask how 152 00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: old were you? Do you remember how old you were 153 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,480 Speaker 1: when it was the first violation. I think I was 154 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 1: a leave about The youngest was leave about six or seven. 155 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 1: So you had a traumatic experience involving molestation that was 156 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: not addressed. I can't imagine that. As a child, you 157 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:15,600 Speaker 1: made up in your mind, I don't matter, I'm not important, 158 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 1: what happens to me doesn't matter, and I'm out here 159 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:24,160 Speaker 1: on my own. Does any of that sound familiar? That 160 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,520 Speaker 1: sounds familiar to you? And is that not what you're 161 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 1: experiencing right now? That you don't matter, you're not important, 162 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,120 Speaker 1: and what happens to you doesn't matter, and you're out 163 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: there on your own. Is that what you're experiencing now? 164 00:12:41,559 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 1: So you're kind of re reliving some of the decisions 165 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,800 Speaker 1: or the beliefs that you came to in your childhood. Now, 166 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,360 Speaker 1: why do you tell yourself that they didn't address it? 167 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,839 Speaker 1: If they knew, your parents, knew, your mother, your sister, 168 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 1: if they knew, why do you tell yourself that they 169 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: didn't address it. They didn't address it? Because why because 170 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:11,400 Speaker 1: I didn't receive the nurturing care that I thought that 171 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: I deserved, you know, solely from them, right? And I 172 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 1: mean I understand in in a family, everybody has their 173 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:25,440 Speaker 1: own situations that they're dealing with. And it's like when 174 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:30,200 Speaker 1: you're a child in the situation, and how can I 175 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 1: say how you can say, listen, this is how you 176 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:38,560 Speaker 1: can say, when I was a child in that situation, 177 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:43,760 Speaker 1: I did not receive the emotional care and support that 178 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:49,480 Speaker 1: I needed. Is that true? Yes? Lam? Can you say that? 179 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,480 Speaker 1: Can you own it? When I was a child, I 180 00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:57,679 Speaker 1: didn't receive the emotional nurturing and care that I needed. 181 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,320 Speaker 1: Can you say that? Let me hear you say that. 182 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,960 Speaker 1: And I was the child I did not receive the 183 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:10,720 Speaker 1: emotional support and care and that made me feel finish 184 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:14,199 Speaker 1: that and that made me feel like I was neglected. 185 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:25,120 Speaker 1: I was worth Yeah, I was neglected. I didn't matter. 186 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: I was worthless. And today your mother and your sister dismiss, demean, diminish, 187 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:41,080 Speaker 1: and deny you, which triggers back up the feelings that 188 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:44,560 Speaker 1: I don't matter, I'm neglected, because that's what you said, 189 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:48,120 Speaker 1: that's the first thing out your mouth. You are emotionally 190 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:54,080 Speaker 1: neglected by the two women in your life. So what's 191 00:14:54,120 --> 00:15:00,600 Speaker 1: happening is you are re traumatized by their behavior. Does 192 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,840 Speaker 1: that make sense, is ma'am? What I want you to 193 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:08,680 Speaker 1: hear is that their behavior is one thing that's real, 194 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:16,240 Speaker 1: that's true for you, But the energy, the trauma is 195 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:21,080 Speaker 1: in you. So I really want to encourage you right 196 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:28,560 Speaker 1: now in your life to focus on neutralizing, healing, eliminating 197 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 1: that trauma, because trying to get from them now what 198 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: you didn't get from them before is retraumatizing you. You're 199 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: still trying to get from them now, the care, the nurturing, 200 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,040 Speaker 1: the support that you need as a man. You're trying 201 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: to get it from them now when they've already demonstrated 202 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,000 Speaker 1: either they can't give it, they won't give it, they 203 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:59,520 Speaker 1: don't want to give it. They already demonstrated that to 204 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,680 Speaker 1: you as a child. So what do we do now? 205 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: We'll talk about that right after this break. Welcome back 206 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 1: to the our spot. Let's pick up where we left are. 207 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 1: Tell me what you hear me saying. It doesn't matter 208 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: what words you use. You don't have to repeat it. 209 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: I just want to know what you hear in your 210 00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,720 Speaker 1: mind that I'm saying. It's the saying that you know 211 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,320 Speaker 1: I heard all my life. When a person shows you 212 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: who they all believed in the first time, and it 213 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,680 Speaker 1: doesn't make them bad people. They may not have the 214 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:45,200 Speaker 1: capacity to give you what you need, and insisting or 215 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:49,600 Speaker 1: wanting or needing them to do it means that you 216 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 1: are abusing yourself now. You are neglecting yourself now. You 217 00:16:55,520 --> 00:17:00,720 Speaker 1: are diminishing yourself now. You are denying yourself now because 218 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:04,720 Speaker 1: they can't give you now what you didn't get before 219 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:08,800 Speaker 1: and they may not be able to give it to you. 220 00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,360 Speaker 1: All Right, I received it, And I just want to know. 221 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:16,679 Speaker 1: When you depend on someone financially, how like that is 222 00:17:16,720 --> 00:17:20,679 Speaker 1: a form of financial abase and neglect, right, Okay, So 223 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 1: you're dependent upon your mother and your sister financially, is 224 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,680 Speaker 1: that what I'm hearing you say? Okay, go ahead, why 225 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,880 Speaker 1: is that? Why are you dependent upon them financially because 226 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,919 Speaker 1: I didn't push myself to the fullest potential when it 227 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:40,679 Speaker 1: came to me having to learn, you know, how to 228 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:45,400 Speaker 1: conduct my finances in a responsible way. Okay, so that's 229 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,200 Speaker 1: one of the things that you're learning. Yes, and um, 230 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,240 Speaker 1: you know I had to basically pick up and do 231 00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:53,600 Speaker 1: that myself. And I mean it's not a problem. I 232 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 1: just look at it as you know. Yeh, the village 233 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:01,480 Speaker 1: has an understanding on their finding a because they should 234 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,919 Speaker 1: be able to pass that down on to the next 235 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,359 Speaker 1: that's coming up in the tribe. You know, that's my 236 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,639 Speaker 1: perception of it. Takes a villains to raise a child. 237 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: But you're not a child. But you're not a child. 238 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:20,359 Speaker 1: You're a man. You are a man who is depending. Okay, 239 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,919 Speaker 1: so listen to this. You are a man who is 240 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:29,560 Speaker 1: dependent upon people who don't have the capacity or the 241 00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:32,440 Speaker 1: willingness to give you what you need. Yet you want 242 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,359 Speaker 1: them to treat you like a man. But you put 243 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 1: yourself into position of being treated like a child. That's 244 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,080 Speaker 1: not making you wrong. I want to give you the 245 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:48,679 Speaker 1: whole picture. Children are dependent. Men are independent or inter dependent, 246 00:18:49,119 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 1: meaning men stand on their own or as they're standing 247 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,520 Speaker 1: on their own, they have other people that they can 248 00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,080 Speaker 1: lean on, other people that lean on them. If you're 249 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:05,879 Speaker 1: dependent upon your mother and your sister financially, that puts 250 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: you in a really bad position considering you already have 251 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,960 Speaker 1: a broken relationship with them. And you know, I just 252 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,760 Speaker 1: always try to bring it to their attention, like you know, 253 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:21,560 Speaker 1: we need to position ourselves in a more better way 254 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:25,800 Speaker 1: to be able to be ah uh, good structure for 255 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 1: you know, best aims for the two choosing is coming 256 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 1: up in our family, and I mean they disregarded, is 257 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:39,119 Speaker 1: that what they want? So let me just share to you. 258 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,400 Speaker 1: When you were a child and you were dependent upon 259 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:47,440 Speaker 1: your parents, you had to accommodate, tolerate, put up with 260 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,600 Speaker 1: except what was going on. You had to you were 261 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:56,320 Speaker 1: dependent upon them for food and clothing and shelter and 262 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,920 Speaker 1: all of those things. Yeah, but now you're an adult. 263 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:06,159 Speaker 1: You're an adult, so your first priority, beloved, has to 264 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:10,479 Speaker 1: be getting yourself on your feet where you no longer 265 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,720 Speaker 1: have to be dependent upon people who don't want the 266 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: same thing that you want. You're dependent upon them, and 267 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: yet you're telling them what they need to do to 268 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,360 Speaker 1: become more healthy, so they can take care of you? 269 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:31,080 Speaker 1: I wrong? Wrong? What would be required for you to 270 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,880 Speaker 1: be able to get up, stand up and be your 271 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:38,400 Speaker 1: own man? That you want to set them to recognize 272 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:43,359 Speaker 1: you out as basically need and taking care of myself 273 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:47,919 Speaker 1: and you know, being there for myself emotionally, physically, and 274 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:53,639 Speaker 1: just you know, focusing on who I am outside of them. Okay, 275 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:57,400 Speaker 1: but right now you say you're financially dependent upon them, 276 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:00,560 Speaker 1: So so is there anything you can do about that? 277 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,360 Speaker 1: What do you? I mean, it will take time, but 278 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: it's that's something that you can focus on for yourself 279 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: because a man has to stand up, and sometimes a 280 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:15,840 Speaker 1: man doesn't know he can stand up until he's falling down. Right, 281 00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:21,040 Speaker 1: maybe you've fallen down. But now to prove to yourself 282 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: the value and power of your manhood, you've got to 283 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:29,440 Speaker 1: get yourself up. They can't respect you if you're dependent 284 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,960 Speaker 1: on them, beloved, they cannot. And no amount of you 285 00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:36,520 Speaker 1: talking to them, no amount of you trying to convince them, 286 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: no amount of you making them wrong and then making 287 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:44,200 Speaker 1: you wrong, it's gonna change that. Are you physically able 288 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:48,119 Speaker 1: to take care of yourself financially? I mean, can you 289 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 1: work and you walk? Okay? Yes, I'm working now and 290 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:55,680 Speaker 1: I'm actually at school, so I'm thinking about getting the 291 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:59,240 Speaker 1: second job as well too. But UM, I do want 292 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 1: to say this. UM. I read the book The Spirit 293 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:09,840 Speaker 1: of a Man and it's it's one um chapter in 294 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:16,960 Speaker 1: there where you said how your experience was with you're 295 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:21,879 Speaker 1: dead and how you've seen him hurt man. And you know, 296 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,679 Speaker 1: that is something that I've experienced within my dad and 297 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,399 Speaker 1: something that you know, he's he's kind of professed to 298 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:36,959 Speaker 1: me that he received from my mother. And it's like, um, emotionally, 299 00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:42,520 Speaker 1: I have became my mother's emotional boyfriend, and you know, 300 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 1: I've been manipulated, you know, in that space many of times. 301 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:54,160 Speaker 1: And like when you're so close like that with your 302 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:59,119 Speaker 1: you know, mom, and in that space, it becomes a 303 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:04,560 Speaker 1: very sneaky situation because you know, your emotions are tied 304 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,960 Speaker 1: to it and you know other things such as like 305 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:12,239 Speaker 1: you know, your traumatic experiences. And I'm just like, you know, 306 00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,920 Speaker 1: when I try to come to her to talk about it, 307 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,919 Speaker 1: it was just missed and you know, not recognized. And 308 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,800 Speaker 1: actually you know, she kind of hear me in the 309 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:26,960 Speaker 1: direction of going to church to be able to deal with, 310 00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 1: you know, those questions that are born to her as 311 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:35,440 Speaker 1: far as taking accountability, and that left me in a 312 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:40,000 Speaker 1: rough space too, because you know, I'm aware that people 313 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:44,720 Speaker 1: can neglect you spiritually and you know, manipulate you spiritually, 314 00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:49,520 Speaker 1: and that's something that you know, I'm not too well 315 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:57,800 Speaker 1: and experiencing because it's like you are playing with God. Okay, 316 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,560 Speaker 1: I see, I have to give you the blue pill 317 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: because you're not taking the red pill very well. The 318 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:07,399 Speaker 1: blue pill is the absolute rock, gut truth, and the 319 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:10,439 Speaker 1: red pill is you know, we can dance around and 320 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 1: keep things as as they want, you know. Uh So 321 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 1: if you're willing, I'm gonna give you the blue pill 322 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:22,760 Speaker 1: right now, you're ready. I would say, clutch your pearls, 323 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:27,560 Speaker 1: but I don't think you have any on hold on 324 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,879 Speaker 1: to it. Okay, hold on to it right now because 325 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:34,760 Speaker 1: we're going in way down where we go. Beloved, you 326 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:39,160 Speaker 1: have identified yourself as a victim. You're a victim of everything. 327 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,399 Speaker 1: You're a victim of your mother, You're a victim of trauma, 328 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:45,040 Speaker 1: You're a victim of circumstances. And until you clean that up, 329 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,440 Speaker 1: until you stand fully in your I am nous, which 330 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,639 Speaker 1: is what the eye of Horrace tells you, look within 331 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:56,840 Speaker 1: your freedom is within, it's not without. You are participating 332 00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:01,800 Speaker 1: in your own abuse. You're participating. You've made yourself dependent 333 00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:04,359 Speaker 1: as a child, and yet you want them to treat 334 00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 1: you as a man. You made yourself emotionally dependent upon 335 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,359 Speaker 1: your mother. Your mother is not going to acknowledge what 336 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: happened to you if she didn't protect you and provide 337 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:17,159 Speaker 1: the nurturing and support you needed as a child. What 338 00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 1: makes you think she's gonna do it now? And she 339 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 1: may not know how you know as a mom to 340 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:26,840 Speaker 1: say that your child was in harm's way, that something 341 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,560 Speaker 1: traumatic happened to your child on your watch and you 342 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,160 Speaker 1: don't know what to do about it. That's real hard 343 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,840 Speaker 1: for a mom. And if she's not doing her work, 344 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:42,200 Speaker 1: if she's leaning independent upon Jesus to fix it, you understand, 345 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,159 Speaker 1: as opposed to developing the skills and the tools that 346 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,080 Speaker 1: she needs, then she can't do it. And it's like 347 00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 1: that little boy inside of you keeps warning something from 348 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:56,000 Speaker 1: her that she has demonstrated she can't give. So for 349 00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:59,119 Speaker 1: you to continue to do that keeps you a victim. 350 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 1: So you to decide you're not gonna be a victim. 351 00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:05,160 Speaker 1: You're gonna put on your big boy draws. You're gonna 352 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:09,240 Speaker 1: start creating clear boundaries. You're gonna start dealing with her 353 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:14,000 Speaker 1: like a man and stop hanging on her breast expecting 354 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,679 Speaker 1: how to breastfeed you. That's the blue pail. You're not 355 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:20,760 Speaker 1: a victim. Everything happened the way it's supposed to happen 356 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,080 Speaker 1: for you to learn what you need to learn. If 357 00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: your mother has made you your emotional boyfriend, quit her. 358 00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,879 Speaker 1: I don't want to hear it. I'm not talking to 359 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 1: you about that. Don't talk to me about that. I 360 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,080 Speaker 1: gotta go talk to you later, see you soon, whatever, 361 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:39,480 Speaker 1: in a respectable way. Listening to you talk to me 362 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:41,639 Speaker 1: like that doesn't make me feel good, So I'm not 363 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,359 Speaker 1: gonna listen. Can we talk about something else, because I 364 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,520 Speaker 1: don't want to hear that. Whatever it is you have 365 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,160 Speaker 1: to do, you want to be a man, be a man, 366 00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:56,199 Speaker 1: all right, and stop being a little boy trying to 367 00:26:56,240 --> 00:27:00,040 Speaker 1: get his mother to breastfeed him. She can't do it, 368 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,560 Speaker 1: or she doesn't want to, or she doesn't know how. 369 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:06,880 Speaker 1: Doesn't make her a bad person. But you keep victimizing yourself, 370 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,639 Speaker 1: and that has got to stop. The mere fact that 371 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:13,200 Speaker 1: you don't own your experiences. You talk about everything as 372 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,159 Speaker 1: though it's out there. Says to me that you're looking 373 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: for external validation and external support for what's going on 374 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:24,879 Speaker 1: inside of you. I've said to you three times, own it, 375 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:29,359 Speaker 1: own it, I, my my mother, my sister, me, I, 376 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: and you keep talking about we they them us, no, no, 377 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:37,040 Speaker 1: no no. This is your stop and your victim. So 378 00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,040 Speaker 1: you need to get back in the spirit of a man. 379 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,000 Speaker 1: M h. You need to get back in there and 380 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,119 Speaker 1: stop looking at them and look at you. What do 381 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 1: you want? What do you want and what do you need? 382 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,560 Speaker 1: And how can you give it to yourself? Hear me? 383 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,600 Speaker 1: How can you give it to yourself? Take a breath, 384 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:05,359 Speaker 1: take a bra I want you to stand fully in 385 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,720 Speaker 1: the truth of who you are as a powerful black 386 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:13,080 Speaker 1: man doing important and courageous things in the world. That's 387 00:28:13,119 --> 00:28:16,200 Speaker 1: what I want for you, and I think that's what 388 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:20,480 Speaker 1: you want for yourself. Would that be accurate? But your 389 00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,919 Speaker 1: mother can't give it to you. She can't give it 390 00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:28,360 Speaker 1: to you. So if you've got to work two jobs, 391 00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,400 Speaker 1: three jobs, six jobs, if you've got to sleep standing 392 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 1: up in the corner for fifteen minutes and go to 393 00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:39,400 Speaker 1: the next job, whatever it takes you fell down, you 394 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:44,400 Speaker 1: gotta pick yourself up and you can do it, because 395 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,600 Speaker 1: I want you to know I hear you, and I'm 396 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:49,800 Speaker 1: giving you the blue pill, not the red pill. And 397 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,880 Speaker 1: I'm not dismissing you. I'm not diminishing you. I know 398 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 1: I hear what you said. You were traumatized and victimized 399 00:28:57,320 --> 00:28:59,920 Speaker 1: as a child, and your parents did nothing about it, 400 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:02,920 Speaker 1: and they still do nothing about it, and your mother 401 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 1: and sister today traumatize you, diminish you, dismiss you, and 402 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,640 Speaker 1: it makes you feel unworthy. I want you to know 403 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,040 Speaker 1: I hear you, but I just can't get on the 404 00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: step that you're on that they should do this, and 405 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 1: you want them to do later for them? What are 406 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,080 Speaker 1: you gonna do? We'll talk more about it when we 407 00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the our spot. Let's get 408 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:36,000 Speaker 1: back to the conversation. You're having a temper tantrum right now. 409 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:39,360 Speaker 1: Your life is a temper tantrum that you are willing 410 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,520 Speaker 1: to do, trying to do anything to get them to 411 00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:45,360 Speaker 1: acknowledge how wrong they treated you before. They're not gonna 412 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 1: do it. They're not gonna do it. Maybe they can't, 413 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,000 Speaker 1: maybe they don't know how to belove it. What are 414 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 1: you going to do? As you said before, how I 415 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:59,160 Speaker 1: took the external to try to, I guess, cope with 416 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:03,720 Speaker 1: know certain traumas and everything in my life. And that's 417 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,560 Speaker 1: honestly what I've did. You know, I've set right here 418 00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:10,440 Speaker 1: and smoked, you know, and and thought I could be 419 00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:18,320 Speaker 1: able to be satisfied sexually, you know by that experience. 420 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,920 Speaker 1: You know, it's just all of that I've I've done 421 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: throughout you know, the years of growing up and now 422 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:29,920 Speaker 1: you know I'm in school working, So I mean I've 423 00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: had I've took taken the necess the necessary actions to 424 00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: be able to rebuild myself and take ownership with my 425 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 1: own life. And you're doing great, and I appreciate it. 426 00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 1: I just heard you say I've done, I've done, I've done. 427 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:51,720 Speaker 1: So that's a ship right there, because you started out 428 00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:55,440 Speaker 1: talking about we they us, No, No, you just owned it. 429 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 1: Just that just that quickly. Good for you. What is 430 00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:02,680 Speaker 1: your vision? Are you living with your mom? Do you 431 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:05,520 Speaker 1: live with her? By? When are you gonna be out 432 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:08,440 Speaker 1: of her house? Bye? When I'm giving you a date, 433 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:11,320 Speaker 1: let's go bye. When when you look at the money 434 00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:14,200 Speaker 1: that you have, the money that you make, what you're doing, 435 00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,560 Speaker 1: what do you need? By? When can you make a 436 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:22,760 Speaker 1: commitment to yourself to be out of her house. You 437 00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 1: quit her not a boyfriend, no more. I'm out by 438 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:30,120 Speaker 1: when by the end of next years? Next year? Oh no, 439 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,120 Speaker 1: oh no, no, no, no, no, no, not by the 440 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 1: end of next year. You are not going to victimize 441 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:40,000 Speaker 1: yourself for a whole another year. I can't support you 442 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,920 Speaker 1: in that, absolutely not, absolutely not. How many days a 443 00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:47,160 Speaker 1: week do you go to school? Too? With three days? 444 00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:51,160 Speaker 1: And I paid for school out of pocket, and I travel, 445 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:56,360 Speaker 1: you know, from city, from one city to the next city. 446 00:31:56,440 --> 00:32:00,120 Speaker 1: So it's like I have to kind of sacrifice are 447 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:04,120 Speaker 1: some things to kind of be able to reposition myself 448 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 1: in a better space. You mean you travel out from 449 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,800 Speaker 1: one city to another to go to school or one 450 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,520 Speaker 1: city to another world of world? Okay? Can you go 451 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,160 Speaker 1: to school where you go to work or that's not possible, 452 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,120 Speaker 1: that's not possible. That I go to a private school okay, 453 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:21,960 Speaker 1: and I work at a school. So it's like, yeah, okay, 454 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,840 Speaker 1: can you uh so to travel that that kind of 455 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:30,960 Speaker 1: diminishes your your You need a coach because this is due. 456 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:34,520 Speaker 1: But you can do this in six months. You can 457 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,760 Speaker 1: do this in six months. You can you can do 458 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,760 Speaker 1: it in six months. But you've got to set your bitch. 459 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,000 Speaker 1: Stop looking at your mother. She can't give you what 460 00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:44,960 Speaker 1: you need. She's not gonna give it to you. Don't 461 00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,440 Speaker 1: make her a bad person. I'm not talking about your mama. 462 00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,360 Speaker 1: Don't think I'm talking about your mama not. I'm talking 463 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:57,120 Speaker 1: about you, Mr, Mr Man. I need you to be 464 00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,920 Speaker 1: in a manly position so that people can see you 465 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:03,080 Speaker 1: as a man. If you don't get nothing else out 466 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:08,440 Speaker 1: of today. Children are dependent, Adults stand on their own. 467 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,600 Speaker 1: And as you're standing on your own, then you create 468 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,480 Speaker 1: the family that you need, the community that you need, 469 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: the support that you need. Stop trying to get to 470 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,640 Speaker 1: your from your mother and your sister what you think 471 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,200 Speaker 1: they didn't give you or they need to give you. 472 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,720 Speaker 1: And it's hard when when you're the one in the 473 00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:29,800 Speaker 1: family trying to break the pathology. And that's what it 474 00:33:29,840 --> 00:33:33,440 Speaker 1: sounds like to me. It's hard. That's hard because you're 475 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:36,760 Speaker 1: out there, you out there on your own. They listen. 476 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:39,080 Speaker 1: You speak in a foreign language to them, when you 477 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:42,680 Speaker 1: talk about we need to get together. They can't. It's Greek. 478 00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:46,000 Speaker 1: They don't even understand that. I want to know when 479 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:47,960 Speaker 1: you're gonna be out your mama's house. That's what I 480 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:50,440 Speaker 1: want to know. You got to accept the vision, even 481 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:54,680 Speaker 1: if you don't know how, you know what, when, by when? 482 00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:59,640 Speaker 1: This is uh, you know, give yourself six months, eight 483 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: months at the most, and every little penny. If you 484 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:06,200 Speaker 1: got to eat noodles and noodles every day, if you 485 00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:08,920 Speaker 1: have to wash your clothes with a bar ivory soap 486 00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:11,640 Speaker 1: so you don't have to spend money in the largry, 487 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,680 Speaker 1: if you have to what I don't know, whatever it is, 488 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:19,480 Speaker 1: whatever you have to do. That's how a man stands 489 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,239 Speaker 1: for himself. I don't know how, I don't know when, 490 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,279 Speaker 1: I don't know where, but this is what I'm doing. 491 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,120 Speaker 1: I'm getting out of here. I'm gonna stand on my own. 492 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:31,520 Speaker 1: Does that frighten you a little? A little? Good? I 493 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,879 Speaker 1: know I have to. I have to because I mean, 494 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: the things that we need to do for ourselves. Sometimes 495 00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,640 Speaker 1: it's scary sometimes, you know, but it's good for us 496 00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:46,239 Speaker 1: because it lets us to push past those mental, any 497 00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 1: emotional boundaries that we set. Okay, ce see now you 498 00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:52,200 Speaker 1: went back to the outside. We set for ourselves. No, 499 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:57,279 Speaker 1: I'm scared. I set for myself. Come on, let me 500 00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:58,920 Speaker 1: hear it. Come on, give it to me, give it 501 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:03,320 Speaker 1: to me. Yes, I know I need to move past 502 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:08,480 Speaker 1: those men cling emotional boundaries there for myself and me 503 00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:17,520 Speaker 1: and myself to feel uncomfortable. Come on, my own full potential. Yes, 504 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:22,719 Speaker 1: that's what I'm talking about. Did you hear that? Now? 505 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:32,720 Speaker 1: Doesn't that sound better than we in us? And they? Yeah? 506 00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:36,240 Speaker 1: Come on, you only need one person in the stands 507 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:40,960 Speaker 1: cheering you on. Yes, and that one person is you. Yes, 508 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:45,000 Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm going 509 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 1: to do this, and you can because obviously you've reached 510 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,399 Speaker 1: your breaking point. You don't want to be a little 511 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:57,960 Speaker 1: boy anymore waiting for somebody just to firms to serve you, 512 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,520 Speaker 1: nurture you. What would your grandmother's that? What would your 513 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:05,000 Speaker 1: grandmother say? He baby me, I'm gonna tell you. And 514 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:08,799 Speaker 1: she really gave me something like uncondiced my love, like 515 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:13,640 Speaker 1: but I expected that from her because she she gave 516 00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:16,719 Speaker 1: us something that she never received. That's what I get. 517 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:23,879 Speaker 1: And you know, just experiencing that and having that it 518 00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:29,279 Speaker 1: was really a pillar like that was the structure of 519 00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:34,320 Speaker 1: my whole family. But I'm thankful for because I feel 520 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:38,600 Speaker 1: like it was all meant for a specific reason, God 521 00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:42,359 Speaker 1: reveals it to me, you know all the time. It's 522 00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:47,600 Speaker 1: just that sometimes I do be scared, you know, stepping 523 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:51,960 Speaker 1: out into the unknown. If you have to uh, if 524 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:54,560 Speaker 1: you said you read Spirit of a Man, then you've 525 00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:56,840 Speaker 1: got to bless your head every day. You've got to 526 00:36:56,880 --> 00:37:00,480 Speaker 1: bless your head every day. It's right in Spirit of 527 00:37:00,480 --> 00:37:04,280 Speaker 1: a Man in chapter four, the Spirit of your Head, 528 00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:07,920 Speaker 1: it says, it starts out, you've got to get the 529 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:11,040 Speaker 1: mind cleaned out before you can put the truth in it. 530 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,520 Speaker 1: And the truth is you can do this. The truth 531 00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:15,920 Speaker 1: is you are a man. The truth is you have 532 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:18,440 Speaker 1: what it takes to take care of yourself. And you 533 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:22,120 Speaker 1: bless your head every single day. You bless your eyes, 534 00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:24,759 Speaker 1: you bless your ears, you bless your mouth. It's right 535 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,440 Speaker 1: in the book. Go get that book. And if you 536 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,360 Speaker 1: need another copy, go get you another copy, get a 537 00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:39,919 Speaker 1: used copy because you gotta save money for your new place. Yeah. 538 00:37:40,239 --> 00:37:43,160 Speaker 1: Take it. It'll walk you through everything you need to do. 539 00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:47,040 Speaker 1: It'll walk you through how to breathe in the in 540 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:53,120 Speaker 1: the In what is this chapter four or five, there 541 00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:59,279 Speaker 1: is a a affirmation. There's an affirmation in there, and 542 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,320 Speaker 1: it says that us there is a universal power seeking 543 00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:06,200 Speaker 1: an outlet through me. The instrument of that power is 544 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:11,000 Speaker 1: my mind. Today, I believe in the power. I believe 545 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:13,640 Speaker 1: the power is right where I am. You gotta say 546 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:18,759 Speaker 1: that every day today. I accept the presence of this power. Today, 547 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,480 Speaker 1: I believe the power is operating in all of my 548 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:25,600 Speaker 1: life's affairs. Today, I acknowledge that there is a divine 549 00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:29,719 Speaker 1: power instructing me in all that I do. I affirm 550 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:33,399 Speaker 1: the divine power. I affirm joy in my life. I 551 00:38:33,520 --> 00:38:38,040 Speaker 1: know that every atom, every cell, every tissue, every organ 552 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:43,120 Speaker 1: in my body is brought into perfect and divine wholiness 553 00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:46,200 Speaker 1: and harmony. I am a man. You say that every 554 00:38:46,239 --> 00:38:49,799 Speaker 1: day and see how quickly you get your place. The 555 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:54,160 Speaker 1: honorable Mayor how Washington, who was the mayor of Chicago, 556 00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,480 Speaker 1: he said, it's not the man, it's the plan. What's 557 00:38:57,520 --> 00:39:01,960 Speaker 1: your plan and plan to give you yourself what you 558 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:05,400 Speaker 1: didn't get from them. That has to be your plan. 559 00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:08,920 Speaker 1: And it is scary good because if you don't have 560 00:39:08,960 --> 00:39:11,439 Speaker 1: a little p running down your leg, then your plan 561 00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:17,280 Speaker 1: ain't big enough. I gotta have a little p running 562 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:19,520 Speaker 1: down your leg. Oh lord, I'm so scared. I'm being 563 00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:24,520 Speaker 1: on myself, but I'm gonna keep on going. No more victim, 564 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:28,399 Speaker 1: No more victim, And that is what's gonna craft and 565 00:39:28,520 --> 00:39:32,480 Speaker 1: structure and create the man that you are becoming. You 566 00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:34,480 Speaker 1: can't just sit around and talk about the plan. You 567 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,719 Speaker 1: got to activate it. So you tell me what you're 568 00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:40,759 Speaker 1: gonna do different when you hang up this phone. I 569 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:43,200 Speaker 1: want to know what are you going to do different? 570 00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:46,000 Speaker 1: First of all, I'm giving you eight months to get 571 00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,080 Speaker 1: out of your mother's house, and I think you can 572 00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:50,279 Speaker 1: do it in six, but I'm gonna give you eight 573 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:53,840 Speaker 1: because it's getting cold unless you live in the warm climate. 574 00:39:54,280 --> 00:39:57,560 Speaker 1: I'm gonna start right now my plan to move into 575 00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:01,880 Speaker 1: my own space, to be my own without depending on 576 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:06,799 Speaker 1: others to validating. Yeah, and every time they dismiss you 577 00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:10,799 Speaker 1: or diminish you, or deny you or whatever, just say, 578 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:13,319 Speaker 1: you know what, I'm acting like a child. I can't 579 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,960 Speaker 1: expect them to treat me like a man, acting like 580 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,239 Speaker 1: a child. Because the thing is, you would think that 581 00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,839 Speaker 1: because you're trying to advance yourself, better yourself, you're working, 582 00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,759 Speaker 1: you're going to school, that their support of you would be, 583 00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:30,800 Speaker 1: you know, free and loving. But they can't. They can't. 584 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,799 Speaker 1: They don't know how, baby, And for you to keep 585 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:38,240 Speaker 1: asking it victimizes yourself. No longer. I'm not a victim. 586 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:40,160 Speaker 1: Let me hear you say that. I'm not a victim here, 587 00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,960 Speaker 1: no longer. I'm a bacon. Yeah, I'm a man with 588 00:40:45,040 --> 00:40:49,959 Speaker 1: a plan. I'm a man with a plane. Alrighty, here 589 00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:56,680 Speaker 1: we go, and it's a habit now. So you'll still go, 590 00:40:57,440 --> 00:41:00,960 Speaker 1: you'll still go back, and you'll still asking forget that. 591 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:03,839 Speaker 1: And when you when you're when you do that, when 592 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:07,280 Speaker 1: you find yourself leaning on your mom or being manipulated 593 00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:11,080 Speaker 1: or whatever the scenario is, just go to the mirror 594 00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:14,279 Speaker 1: in the bathroom and slap the first person that comes up. 595 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:23,880 Speaker 1: And you slap that person and you say, stop it, 596 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,680 Speaker 1: stop it, stop it right now. I'm a man with 597 00:41:26,760 --> 00:41:31,600 Speaker 1: a plan. And you know, I don't know where you live, 598 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:36,319 Speaker 1: but I can almost guarantee you somewhere in your community, 599 00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:40,719 Speaker 1: maybe in a community center, maybe in a church. I 600 00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:44,560 Speaker 1: don't know that there's a men's group, that there's a 601 00:41:44,600 --> 00:41:49,399 Speaker 1: men's support group. Because what you need you can't get 602 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:51,200 Speaker 1: from your mother right now. You need to get it 603 00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:54,319 Speaker 1: from other man. And it doesn't sound like your dad 604 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:57,200 Speaker 1: has It doesn't sound or you know what, let me 605 00:41:57,239 --> 00:42:00,879 Speaker 1: tell you what A man would do. Drn Akbar taught 606 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,000 Speaker 1: me this what a man would do would he would 607 00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:07,160 Speaker 1: see the need and fill it. So maybe you need 608 00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:09,840 Speaker 1: to go to the community center, or you need to 609 00:42:09,840 --> 00:42:13,239 Speaker 1: go to the church and start the support group for 610 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:17,399 Speaker 1: other men in your situation, men who are recreating, redefining, 611 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,719 Speaker 1: rebuilding their lives. Maybe it's just three of your maybe 612 00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:23,239 Speaker 1: it's three or four of you. I don't know. But 613 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:26,440 Speaker 1: if you're a man and you need something, make it happen. 614 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:31,239 Speaker 1: You say that because there's something that I was, you know, 615 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:38,360 Speaker 1: urgerly coming into planers of making happen. So, yeah, thank 616 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:46,320 Speaker 1: you for you know, affirming affirming. I'm affirming that idea. Yeah, 617 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:49,040 Speaker 1: and see you have good ideas in your mind. Miss 618 00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:52,520 Speaker 1: the man. Now what you gotta do with a little 619 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:55,879 Speaker 1: pee running down your leg is act on them. I'm 620 00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:58,000 Speaker 1: sure there's three or four or five other men in 621 00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:01,480 Speaker 1: your community. Tell them you to create a brotherhood circle 622 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:04,839 Speaker 1: where y'all can talk to each other and support each other. 623 00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:07,160 Speaker 1: Must be three or four or five other men that 624 00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:10,280 Speaker 1: would help. Y'all could walk through that book together, bless 625 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:14,799 Speaker 1: your heads together. I ain't worried about you. You just 626 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:22,920 Speaker 1: need a little guy, Okay. So I want you to 627 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:26,200 Speaker 1: call me. I'm gonna give you eight months. But if 628 00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:28,960 Speaker 1: it happens before you call me back and you tell 629 00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:32,200 Speaker 1: my producers, I'm out. I'm on my own. That's all 630 00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:36,680 Speaker 1: I want to know. Okay, tell me what you know 631 00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:38,880 Speaker 1: now that you didn't know when you call. Tell me 632 00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:42,400 Speaker 1: what you know now that you didn't know when you call. Everything. 633 00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:47,560 Speaker 1: I'm looking on the outside, live within me. Bang, that's it. 634 00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:53,640 Speaker 1: I don't need. Don't say another word. Don't say another word. 635 00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:59,000 Speaker 1: That's it. Get your book, get your plan and go 636 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:04,200 Speaker 1: ye four and prosper. Thank you, Thank you. I'm looking 637 00:44:04,239 --> 00:44:10,360 Speaker 1: forward to hearing from me. Love you much, Take good care, okay, 638 00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:15,879 Speaker 1: bye bye. I remember one time my son said to me, 639 00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:20,560 Speaker 1: my son with whom I have a great relationship, my 640 00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:24,240 Speaker 1: son who has had his struggles and his trials in life. 641 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:28,920 Speaker 1: He said to me, Ma, I can't expect you to 642 00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:34,560 Speaker 1: give me that you're not a man. Well as a mother, 643 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,000 Speaker 1: I said, well, how dare you? I'm the mommy. I 644 00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:41,160 Speaker 1: have to give you everything. You're supposed to depend on 645 00:44:41,280 --> 00:44:45,680 Speaker 1: me for everything. And he was very clear, Mam, you 646 00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:50,600 Speaker 1: can't give me that you're not a man, because the 647 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:55,200 Speaker 1: truth is men say things in ways that women don't 648 00:44:55,239 --> 00:44:59,240 Speaker 1: say them, because men experienced them in ways that women 649 00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:04,360 Speaker 1: don't experience and stem and very often the women don't 650 00:45:04,560 --> 00:45:10,200 Speaker 1: give man the space to do the man thing, you know, 651 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,799 Speaker 1: because we are mothers and we are nurturers and we 652 00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:18,080 Speaker 1: do take care of everything. There are some things that 653 00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:22,040 Speaker 1: men need that their mothers simply don't have to give. 654 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:28,080 Speaker 1: And once a man recognizes that it is is responsibility 655 00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:32,560 Speaker 1: to go wherever, to whomever, to do whatever it is, 656 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:40,080 Speaker 1: to give it to himself, particularly when the situation reveals 657 00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:44,680 Speaker 1: that the thing you're requesting of your mother she simply 658 00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:49,040 Speaker 1: doesn't have to give. But there comes a moment when 659 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:52,759 Speaker 1: as a woman, as a mother, as a sister, you 660 00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:55,359 Speaker 1: just gotta step up and let a man be a man. 661 00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:57,520 Speaker 1: Wasn't the prince that said let a woman be a 662 00:45:57,560 --> 00:45:59,880 Speaker 1: woman and let a man be a man. Now a 663 00:46:00,120 --> 00:46:04,000 Speaker 1: challenge comes when he doesn't know how to be a man, 664 00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:08,480 Speaker 1: and that's when there has to be a man to 665 00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:13,200 Speaker 1: man conversation. Nothing else is going to suffice, nothing else 666 00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:16,520 Speaker 1: is gonna fill the need. I hope this has been 667 00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:19,680 Speaker 1: helpful to someone, And if you have a question about 668 00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:23,680 Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me 669 00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:27,960 Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 670 00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:30,560 Speaker 1: six eight now be sure to follow me on social 671 00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:34,360 Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times and until then, 672 00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:43,080 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is 673 00:46:43,120 --> 00:46:47,640 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I Heart Radio. 674 00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:52,240 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the I Heart 675 00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:56,359 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 676 00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:57,200 Speaker 1: favorite shows.