Speaker 1: All right, I do Part two.
Speaker 2: Family, I'm back with part two of our last podcast.
Speaker 1: I am mister Wright.
Speaker 2: I'm here to tell you all the things that men
Speaker 2: are thinking about and picking up where we left off
Speaker 2: with our last set of questions. Well, Leslie forty six,
Speaker 2: says this. She says, dating takes so much effort in
Speaker 2: time time I don't have anymore like when I was
Speaker 2: in my twenties. How can we make ourselves more excited
Speaker 2: about dating and take away the stress and anxiety from
Speaker 2: it being one more thing to do in our already
Speaker 2: busy day. Now, that's coming from Leslie, who's forty six,
Speaker 2: and right off the jump, I'm gonna say, Leslie, I
Speaker 2: don't think maybe right now is a good time for
Speaker 2: you to date. It sounds like dating doesn't sound like
Speaker 2: fun to you, which I get it, Like there are
Speaker 2: times that it just you know, life is too complicated,
Speaker 2: or you are still recovering from a breakup or hurt
Speaker 2: and you're just not available. Because dating should be exciting,
Speaker 2: Dating should cause a little anxiety and a little bit
Speaker 2: of stress and a little excitement, a little bit.
Speaker 1: Of all these things.
Speaker 2: And so if dating feels like it is a chore,
Speaker 2: if it feels like it's complicated. I think it might
Speaker 2: be just your particular situation and you may need some
Speaker 2: time to heal and work through this. Because if you
Speaker 2: go into dating, if you go out on a date
Speaker 2: with somebody and it's not exciting and it's not fun
Speaker 2: and you think of it as a chore, it's not
Speaker 2: going to go well. And I think that you're setting
Speaker 2: yourself up for failure at the very least. And you know,
Speaker 2: if your days are busy and you have anxieties and
Speaker 2: you're not excited about it, just wait, just wait, just
Speaker 2: wait until you're ready.
Speaker 1: That's fine. You don't have to be ready today.
Speaker 2: Give yourself some time to get in a headspace where
Speaker 2: you're looking forward to that anxiety, where you're.
Speaker 1: Looking forward to the excitement.
Speaker 2: Who it is that you're going to meet, What adventures
Speaker 2: are you going to go on, not worried about if
Speaker 2: it's going to fail, Because you have to be optimistic,
Speaker 2: especially in chapter two. Optimistic is the ingredient that makes
Speaker 2: a relationship possible. If you're going into it already thinking
Speaker 2: it's going to fail or it's going to muddy up
Speaker 2: your busy day, it probably will all right, Well, Margaret,
Speaker 2: who's fifty three, says something that I think a lot
Speaker 2: of us think about that my body in my fifties
Speaker 2: doesn't look like it did when I was younger. I've
Speaker 2: had two kids, I've had tons of loose skin around
Speaker 2: my midsection and stretch marks when I was married, and
Speaker 2: I wasn't insecure about my body because my husband had
Speaker 2: seen me when I was fit, thin, pregnant, all of it.
Speaker 2: Now that I'm back in the dating scene, the anxiety
Speaker 2: that I have about my body and knowing men might
Speaker 2: age prefer to date younger is sending me into a spiral.
Speaker 2: Do men care about loose skin and stretch marks? Or
Speaker 2: should I find a way to tell the guys I
Speaker 2: date in advance to see how they react. Advice please, now, Margaret,
Speaker 2: this is an interesting way to put it, because I
Speaker 2: would often think that it's.
Speaker 1: The other way around.
Speaker 2: That your husband that knew you when you were young
Speaker 2: and as you say, fit and you know, without the
Speaker 2: things that happen to a body when having kids or
Speaker 2: whatever else, and they've seen you kind of progress. Oftentimes
Speaker 2: women are more anxious or worried about that man who's
Speaker 2: seen them, you know, when they were young, and that
Speaker 2: you know and see them until they've gotten more mature,
Speaker 2: versus meeting a guy that didn't know you when you
Speaker 2: were younger and didn't know you any other way than
Speaker 2: the way you are now. So I think if you
Speaker 2: meet a guy now at fifty three, with all of
Speaker 2: your perfections and imperfections and all the things that happen
Speaker 2: to our bodies and our faces and our everything, you
Speaker 2: don't need to tell the guys anything.
Speaker 1: They know what they see.
Speaker 2: You don't need to give them warnings, You don't need
Speaker 2: to give them a head's up or anything else. They
Speaker 2: can figure it out for themselves. And I think that
Speaker 2: you should be confident in the body that you have,
Speaker 2: and if you're you know, and if you exude that confidence,
Speaker 2: that guy is not gonna care. Don't get worried about
Speaker 2: what you think guys look for. If you think they're
Speaker 2: gonna date younger, if you think they're gonna not like
Speaker 2: your your stretch marks or your blue skin or whatever
Speaker 2: it else it is, then you're already starting behind the gates.
Speaker 1: So you don't want that.
Speaker 2: Be confident, Margaret, They're gonna love you for the person
Speaker 2: that you are, imperfections and all, all.
Speaker 1: Right, So, Britt, who's thirty five, says this.
Speaker 2: I saw TikTok recently where a man said the bar
Speaker 2: is quote unquote so low right now for men to
Speaker 2: do anything for women, that women are really just looking
Speaker 2: for simple.
Speaker 1: Things like kindness. To questions here, why is the bar
Speaker 1: so low? In your opinion? And two? Whose fault is
Speaker 1: that that it's so low? Is it the man or
Speaker 1: the woman's fault? Now?
Speaker 2: The question is do I think that the bar is very,
Speaker 2: very low? And I'll tell you, mister right right here
Speaker 2: thinks that the bar has been lowered. And I'm not
Speaker 2: sure if that's because I'm a bit older, a bit
Speaker 2: more mature, and I'm you know, I'm looking at the
Speaker 2: dating world and it does seem as though there is
Speaker 2: there is this kind of movement away from kindness and
Speaker 2: chivalry and acts of kindness, and maybe I just don't
Speaker 2: see it as often anymore. And you know, guys, I
Speaker 2: think I don't know if it's social media. I don't
Speaker 2: know if it's just you know, me being an old
Speaker 2: fuddy duddy and looking back, I just think chivalry, if
Speaker 2: it's not dead, it's certainly wounded in a lot of situations.
Speaker 2: And I think that there is you know, if it's
Speaker 2: the man's fault of the women's fault, I think men
Speaker 2: are are women are also wanting to be treated so
Speaker 2: much differently than than what I remember, you know, the
Speaker 2: old days of you know, holding the door open or
Speaker 2: you know, paying the bill every time, or all those
Speaker 2: sorts of things I think might be looked down as
Speaker 2: old fashion.
Speaker 1: And so I don't know who's at fault for it.
Speaker 1: I think that I do see it.
Speaker 2: I do think that the bar has been lowered in
Speaker 2: terms of the way that guys treat women kind of
Speaker 2: early on, and that probably changes, you know, over time,
Speaker 2: but in terms of kind of the dating world, I
Speaker 2: think it's I think it the bar has been lowered
Speaker 2: to a certain extent, and I don't know if it's
Speaker 2: just the guy's fault. I think it, you know, I
Speaker 2: think that that women are are also part of this,
Speaker 2: and because they are expecting to be treated quote unquote equally,
Speaker 2: which is great and I'm all for equal treatment or
Speaker 2: whatever else, but sometimes that will take away some of
Speaker 2: these chivalrous things that guys want to do to show kindness,
Speaker 2: to show affection because they're worried about stepping over the line,
Speaker 2: and you know, I want to bring in a producer,
Speaker 2: Heather on this one. And you know she's a self
Speaker 2: proclaimed feminist and single right now, but coming out of,
Speaker 2: you know, some long relationships.
Speaker 1: What is your take on.
Speaker 2: It, producer Heather. This is just my perspective in my
Speaker 2: chapter two. But what do you think?
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm not out there actively dating whatsoever looking
Speaker 3: but you see this. But I do see a lot
Speaker 3: of this stuff, and I think that the bar is
Speaker 3: really low. I think that it is twofold. I think
Speaker 3: that men. I think that men aren't talking enough to
Speaker 3: each other about standards and how they're treating women. And
Speaker 3: I don't think that men are holding other men accountable
Speaker 3: when they witness bad behavior or hear bad behavior. I
Speaker 3: don't think that they actually call out their buddies or
Speaker 3: their friends about this kind of stuff. And I think
Speaker 3: that women, unfortunately allow the bad behavior to go on
Speaker 3: for two long. I'm super guilty of this. I'm actually
Speaker 3: really guilty of allowing bad behavior to continue for too
Speaker 3: long and not address it and not put my foot
Speaker 3: down on stuff. So I think, yeah, I think it's twofold.
Speaker 3: I think it's I think it's both people's problems, and
Speaker 3: I do feel that we've gotten away from common decency
Speaker 3: and just you know, everybody is trying to play it
Speaker 3: like too cool or like there is you know, another
Speaker 3: you right around the corner. So I don't need to like,
Speaker 3: you know, do too much. I feel that like my
Speaker 3: perception obviously I'm not a man, but my perception of
Speaker 3: men is that sometimes doing too much and being too
Speaker 3: vulnerable is perceived as like being a simp or being
Speaker 3: a wimp or anything like that. And so I feel
Speaker 3: that there's like a hyper awareness around masculinity right now
Speaker 3: amongst men and about being as masculine as possible. And
Speaker 3: for some reason, I think men equate masculinity to sometimes
Speaker 3: putting women down or keeping women in a in a
Speaker 3: spot where they can be dominant, and I think that's
Speaker 3: that's also something that we're seeing play out in the
Speaker 3: dating scene right now.
Speaker 2: Okay, so you agree that it's both the men and
Speaker 2: the women take some responsibility for it. But I think
Speaker 2: that you know, this, this treating of women with respect
Speaker 2: and kindness and small acts of chivalry, I think that's
Speaker 2: oftentimes something that that older guys have an advantage on
Speaker 2: over younger guys. It's a level of confidence it's a
Speaker 2: level of experience also vulnerability as well, where guys you
Speaker 2: know in my age are probably more willing to be
Speaker 2: a little more vulnerable then you know, a younger version
Speaker 2: of myself.
Speaker 3: So you're saying that that vulnerability came through your chapter
Speaker 3: one or do you think you were acting like this
Speaker 3: early on and that's partly how you got to your
Speaker 3: chapter one? Was your vulnerability your openness?
Speaker 2: No, I think I think that I recognize that probably
Speaker 2: not being vulnerable enough and not being mindful enough got
Speaker 2: me to where I am right now, which is in
Speaker 2: my chapter two. And so I think that you know, experience, mistakes,
Speaker 2: all these things you know are are you know, kind
Speaker 2: of made me the person that I am, certainly from
Speaker 2: you know, day one till now. But relationship wise, I
Speaker 2: think guys that you know are in their chapter two
Speaker 2: are probably realizing what are some of the things that
Speaker 2: got me in the situation, and we go and fix those.
Speaker 3: You would hope that men out there are doing the
Speaker 3: work in their chapter two. It begs the question, though,
Speaker 3: if a man never gets to chapter one, is he
Speaker 3: still that observed of things that he needs to change?
Speaker 3: You know, these men, you know, we're seeing a lot
Speaker 3: of the time now that I think marriage rates and
Speaker 3: traditional kind of things like that are declining. So we're
Speaker 3: seeing men in their mid forties that have never been married,
Speaker 3: never been engaged, And so it begs the question of
Speaker 3: do they learn those kinds of things about vulnerability if
Speaker 3: they've never experienced what you're talking about that you experienced
Speaker 3: in chapter one. That's kind of been eye opening for you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that those probably, you know, those
Speaker 2: guys probably are the anomaly inasmuch as they've you know,
Speaker 2: they don't they're not looking for relationship, they're not looking
Speaker 2: for family, all those sorts of things. But I think
Speaker 2: that guys in their chapter two hopefully have learned from
Speaker 2: I don't want to say learn from their mistakes, but
Speaker 2: learn from their experience. And you know what, you know
Speaker 2: what has what works, what hasn't worked, And then you know,
Speaker 2: as you're going into your you know, in your in
Speaker 2: your chapter two, you're trying to go and not repeat
Speaker 2: those same those same mistakes.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Interesting, but our listeners should write in if their experience
Speaker 3: is that the bar is super low right there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I want to I'm also curious in which
Speaker 2: and what what ways is the bar lower in like
Speaker 2: what capacity? Like what what are the things? What are
Speaker 2: the specific things that make the bar lower?
Speaker 1: What I see a.
Speaker 3: Lot on the internet is that the bar is low
Speaker 3: in terms of communication, that men are not moving the
Speaker 3: ball forward in terms of you know, if they're let's
Speaker 3: say they're online dating and they match with somebody, they're
Speaker 3: not doing that forward movement of now let's get a date,
Speaker 3: let's do it on this day, let's do it like
Speaker 3: I see tons and tons of tiktoks of women being like,
Speaker 3: it's six pm and we're supposed to have a date tomorrow.
Speaker 3: Let's see if he actually confirms, and then they'll do
Speaker 3: like an hour update the next day, and I see
Speaker 3: nine to ten times these guys don't confirm. So these
Speaker 3: girls don't actually end up going on a date with
Speaker 3: these men.
Speaker 1: They leave them hanging.
Speaker 3: They say we're going to go get drinks on Wednesday
Speaker 3: at seven, and then they never fully confirm, or they
Speaker 3: never lock it in, or they never tell them the
Speaker 3: location or something. I remember last time I was single,
Speaker 3: I had a guy say, you know, after our first
Speaker 3: date that he wanted to go out again the following week.
Speaker 3: I think the next day he locked in date and time,
Speaker 3: and then proceeded to not communicate with me for the
Speaker 3: next couple of days. And I remember, I'm like, Okay,
Speaker 3: so it's Friday. I'm supposed to go out with this
Speaker 3: guy on Saturday. Haven't really heard anything from him. And
Speaker 3: then he waited until Saturday, I want to say, like
Speaker 3: two hours before we were supposed to meet up, to
Speaker 3: tell me that he decided he couldn't go out with
Speaker 3: me anymore because he had decided he was moving to Boston.
Speaker 2: Oh he should he should have to pay like some
Speaker 2: sort of cancelation fee, like like like you know, like
Speaker 2: we go to the doctor and you don't show up,
Speaker 2: Like if you waste somebody Saturday night, that should be
Speaker 2: like a two hundred dollars penalty like that it should be.
Speaker 3: But again we're talking about the bar being low, and
Speaker 3: this was ten years ago. I mean, like, I just
Speaker 3: think that it's it's rough out there in terms of
Speaker 3: like I mean, I haven't gone through chapter one and
Speaker 3: I will not be getting back out onto the wild
Speaker 3: West of dating apps. It was way too much for
Speaker 3: me and my mental health to uh to go through
Speaker 3: that again. But I think that I've experienced it, so
Speaker 3: I understand what these women are saying and men when
Speaker 3: they talk about, you know, the communication going stagnant on
Speaker 3: the apps. You want to take it off the apps.
Speaker 3: You want to communicate. They don't text, they don't call,
Speaker 3: they don't you know, set something. It can be very
Speaker 3: robotic feeling. And again it goes back to that previous
Speaker 3: question that talked about it being you know, another job,
Speaker 3: that's what you know. Modern day dating can kind of
Speaker 3: feel like. And I remember the last time I was
Speaker 3: single that that's how I had to approach it. It
Speaker 3: was like every Thursday was my date night. And then
Speaker 3: if I booked a date on Thursday, it was like
Speaker 3: I went to a place and got my hair blown out.
Speaker 4: I had, like.
Speaker 3: I remember, and then I like picked up like three
Speaker 3: other hobbies so that I had things to talk about
Speaker 3: on set dates. Then I would go out every Friday
Speaker 3: night and every Saturday night, mingling, meeting people, hoping that
Speaker 3: I would pick up another date for next Thursday.
Speaker 4: And I mean I.
Speaker 3: Was just out there really pounding the pavement. And I
Speaker 3: mean I did it all. I did blind dates, I
Speaker 3: did setups, I did online dates, I did asking men
Speaker 3: out in person. I did.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I've asked I've asked men out.
Speaker 3: I've i have sent drinks over to men as like
Speaker 3: a way of flirting. You know, Ladies, I think that
Speaker 3: if you want to give it a try, I think
Speaker 3: it's actually super low pressure.
Speaker 4: I don't know why.
Speaker 3: I've heard women say that it's like super scary or whatever.
Speaker 3: It's like I've been I remember I've been at like karaoke,
Speaker 3: pulled over a waitress and been like that guy over
Speaker 3: there on the other side of the room is really cute?
Speaker 4: Is there a ring on the finger?
Speaker 3: And they'll be like no, And I'll be like, great, whatever,
Speaker 3: he's drinking right now, get him another one, put it
Speaker 3: on my tab, and when he when you deliver it,
Speaker 3: you can just point to me. That's super low pressure, ladies,
Speaker 3: because guess what, it's then up to him if he
Speaker 3: wants to come over and thank you for the drink,
Speaker 3: do that whole thing. You are not then having to
Speaker 3: go over and be like did you get the drink?
Speaker 2: Yes, you have, you have. You have tossed the proverbial
Speaker 2: ball across exactly. They could the guy could just you know,
Speaker 2: sort of raise an arm or a cheers across if
Speaker 2: he's not interested, which.
Speaker 3: I have had I've had some guy just like raise
Speaker 3: his hand and say thanks so much. I've had a
Speaker 3: guy come over to the table and say thank you
Speaker 3: so much.
Speaker 4: I was really flattering. I'm in a relationship or whatever. Nice, fine,
Speaker 4: have a drink.
Speaker 2: Or you could end up singing Islands in the Stream
Speaker 2: together in the karaoke or that.
Speaker 4: I mean, it's a backfire.
Speaker 3: I ended up sending one to a guy once and
Speaker 3: then he came over. He thanked me, and then was like,
Speaker 3: we should go out this week so I can get
Speaker 3: you a drink.
Speaker 4: Da da da dah whatever whatever. So I ended up
Speaker 4: going out with him, and then.
Speaker 3: It only took one drink for me to find out
Speaker 3: that the guy hadn't had a job in eight years
Speaker 3: and was CouchSurfing. And I was like, well, no, wonder
Speaker 3: he really enjoyed that free drink I sent over.
Speaker 4: The guy doesn't have a.
Speaker 2: Job, He's like, let me get some let's good chicken
Speaker 2: wings with that next time.
Speaker 4: Man, you can't always tell.
Speaker 3: It's not like a fool proof kind of situation, but
Speaker 3: it's like, yeah, if the guy's attractive, he's gonna enjoy
Speaker 3: having a drink sent over. I think it's like a
Speaker 3: compliment regard. And I think that, you know, going back
Speaker 3: to the bar being low, I think that people aren't
Speaker 3: complimenting each other enough, you know what I mean. It's like,
Speaker 3: if somebody's attractive, handsome, whatever, if there's no ring and
Speaker 3: there's no girl on the arm, feel free to give
Speaker 3: a compliment. You don't have to be creepy about it.
Speaker 3: Men too, you don't have to be creepy when you
Speaker 3: give a compliment. But like, that's a great those are
Speaker 3: great shoes that you're wearing, you know what. I really
Speaker 3: like that hat that you're wearing. It doesn't have to
Speaker 3: be like you have a nice ass, you know what.
Speaker 1: I mean, Even if they do, you don't have to
Speaker 1: say it.
Speaker 4: Eat the rule exactly.
Speaker 3: I just think that we as a society have really
Speaker 3: pulled back on being complimentary. And I think I'm not
Speaker 3: going to get too far into it with like political
Speaker 3: movements and things like that that have happened in recent
Speaker 3: years where men act like they're not allowed to say
Speaker 3: complimentary things. That's that's actually not what any of these
Speaker 3: big movements have been about. It's about if you're my boss, yeah,
Speaker 3: you shouldn't be saying a compliment or something weird about me.
Speaker 3: But when we're out in the world and we're engaging
Speaker 3: in conversation and you're not intoxicated, and I'm not like
Speaker 3: if I had children, if I'm like not with my children,
Speaker 3: and we're just like in an adult environment, and you know,
Speaker 3: it's respectful. Yes, people, we can give compliments to each other.
Speaker 3: That's not like something of yesteryear that we're not allowed
Speaker 3: to do anymore.
Speaker 4: I feel like, do you feel that way that people
Speaker 4: have like stopped?
Speaker 2: I think I think that the moral of the story
Speaker 2: is men and women. Let's raise the bar back up.
Speaker 2: I think so too, Let's be flirty.
Speaker 1: Our last question coming in here is from Susan, who's
Speaker 1: fifty seven. This is what she says.
Speaker 2: I like the opinions you gave in your last episode
Speaker 2: about finances and relationships. I'm in my second marriage and
Speaker 2: my husband has three kids from his first marriage, with
Speaker 2: the youngest about to graduate from colleg This is our
Speaker 2: time to focus and shift into our retirement years. But
Speaker 2: my husband is talking about financing their youngest child for
Speaker 2: quote unquote a couple more years. I think it is
Speaker 2: time for them to fly on their own now that
Speaker 2: college is over and it bothers me. How can I
Speaker 2: explain this to my husband so he understands my point
Speaker 2: of view? All right, Susan, this is always going to
Speaker 2: be the trickiest of conversations, which is how to deal
Speaker 2: with children from a you know, the previous marriage, especially
Speaker 2: when you've blended a family, or even if you're just
Speaker 2: coming with no kids. It is a very touchy subject.
Speaker 2: And I'll give you all the warnings. The raising of
Speaker 2: a child or children is a delicate thing. And to
Speaker 2: go and and to critique, you know, any part of that,
Speaker 2: I think is going to be something that you're going
Speaker 2: to want to deal with set with sensitivity. Now you
Speaker 2: a perspective here, because it's you know, it sounds like
Speaker 2: you guys have been married for a while. You guys
Speaker 2: are looking into your next not your next chapter in
Speaker 2: terms of marriage, but next chapter in terms of life.
Speaker 2: You're getting into retirement and there is some fiduciary responsibility
Speaker 2: that you both need to have when doing that. And
Speaker 2: if you thought that the you know that you were
Speaker 2: you were saving this much and this is going to
Speaker 2: be your plan. And now that changes dramatically, of course, Susan,
Speaker 2: you are going to have a perspective on that, and
Speaker 2: you're going to have an opinion, and you're going have
Speaker 2: a right to have that, but be careful to make
Speaker 2: sure that you're not overstepping in terms of making the
Speaker 2: guy feel like he has to prioritize child or wife.
Speaker 2: It's a very delicate, delicate relationship, and I would just
Speaker 2: I wouldn't want there to be something that explodes because
Speaker 2: of it. I think you should certainly voice your opinion
Speaker 2: and your perspective on it, but do it gently. Do
Speaker 2: it knowing that this is your husband's youngest child, this
Speaker 2: is the last you know, the last child he's raising here,
Speaker 2: and and maybe come up with a compromise that allows
Speaker 2: you guys both to achieve your goals, his of being
Speaker 2: a good father to his youngest and you to make
Speaker 2: sure that the you know that your retirement, that the
Speaker 2: goals that you've been setting financially are being met and
Speaker 2: you're not at risk of losing something because of overspending
Speaker 2: on a category that you hadn't planned on. And that's
Speaker 2: I think a big part of it is that planning
Speaker 2: and why you should talk about finance is because if
Speaker 2: something comes along that you haven't talked about, then who
Speaker 2: is right or who's wrong. Get all that stuff on
Speaker 2: the table, talk about your finances, talk about your future together.
Speaker 2: It is the easiest way to try and side step,
Speaker 2: which could be a delicate familial situation. All right, guys,
Speaker 2: thank you so much and keep your questions coming. I'm
Speaker 2: here to give you the real things men think about.
Speaker 2: So send us an email or leave a voicemail if
Speaker 2: you want to get in contact with us. All our
Speaker 2: information is in the shown notes. Check us out on
Speaker 2: social media and follow us. I Do Part two an
Speaker 2: iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the main objective.