Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Everybody on the streets, you're
Speaker 1: telling me John New Hampshire's done, Ioway's done, I need
Speaker 1: my primary fix. Well, don't worry, folks, help is on
Speaker 1: the way. On Thursday, in Myrtle Beach, their hometown, the
Speaker 1: Republicans held their last debate for the South Carolina primaries,
Speaker 1: which began with a moving rendition of the star Spangled banner, sir. Apparently,
Speaker 1: debate was held on the LDO deck of an eighties
Speaker 1: cruise ship. Hell, what's that.
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: The started the big people wearing gowns. For God's sakes,
Speaker 1: now going in. Mike Huckaby and John McCain each had
Speaker 1: one major victory under their belt. Huckeby won Iowa, McCain
Speaker 1: won New Hampshire. Romney won Wyoming, But apparently that doesn't
Speaker 1: count the guy. Literally, there's one Wyoming and everybody's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: Romney's out of it. Whatever the thing. So let's see
Speaker 1: how Huckaby and McCain, who are now the two front
Speaker 1: runners for the Republican nomination, do in a good old
Speaker 1: fashioned Republican debate. Reagan off Governor Huckaby, But I.
Speaker 3: Stayed faithful to the things that Ronald Reagan stayed faithful to.
Speaker 1: All right, so Governor Huckabee has never cheated on Nancy Reagan.
Speaker 1: I don't know what good that's going to do the
Speaker 1: rest of the electorate. Let's move along to Senator McCain.
Speaker 2: I'm proud to have been a member of the Reagan Revolution,
Speaker 2: a foot soldier.
Speaker 1: I was a gunner.
Speaker 4: There we were.
Speaker 1: The Governor to my left, to pockets to my right.
Speaker 1: There I be. You know what, Let's open up the
Speaker 1: Reagan Off to the floor. Ronald Reagan appointed me Associate
Speaker 1: Attorney General of the United States. Or Reagan knew your name,
Speaker 1: ron o'bregan knew your name. The first round of the
Speaker 1: Reagan Off goes to Giuliani. And let's see, the first
Speaker 1: round is worth I don't know, nine and eleven points. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's Giuliani gonna be worth than it ever. Next up,
Speaker 1: after the Reagan Off, the candidates had to show the
Speaker 1: people of South Carolina that they understand their problems.
Speaker 2: Senator I know how to secure the borders.
Speaker 1: You know how to secure the borders. Aparently South Carolina
Speaker 1: having a terrible time with two wiley bootleggers from Georgia.
Speaker 1: I believe.
Speaker 5: I believe they're named.
Speaker 1: Oh damn you, I'm gonna get you YouTube boys. McCain continued,
Speaker 1: I come from a border state where our borders are broken.
Speaker 2: More people come across our border illegally every year than
Speaker 2: most any other.
Speaker 1: State, So it sounds like you don't know how to
Speaker 1: secure the borders. I've got more experience with Mexicans coming in,
Speaker 1: ladies and gentlemen. I'm overrun with people in this country illegally.
Speaker 1: Governor Huckebee, I think you have your opening.
Speaker 3: Roads were horrible. I took on the worst road system
Speaker 3: in the country, according to Trucker's Magazine. When I left,
Speaker 3: they said it was the most improved road system in
Speaker 3: the country.
Speaker 1: I actually I have that issue in Trucker's magazine. There's
Speaker 1: a great article about mudflaps in it that My favorite
Speaker 1: part about Trucker's Magazine actually is, and I'm guessing you
Speaker 1: haven't read it. I buy it and I read it,
Speaker 1: and then I spend the rest of the week working
Speaker 1: on the crossword. And I'll just twenty seven down five
Speaker 1: letter word for mobile vehicular transport unit.
Speaker 4: Truck.
Speaker 1: Okay, twenty one down monster blank.
Speaker 5: Truck.
Speaker 1: Here's one rhymes with every month, the same puzzle.
Speaker 4: That killing me.
Speaker 1: You know, I'll tell you where the performance of huck
Speaker 1: and McCain. This really is Trucker magazine. By the way,
Speaker 1: I'm not getting around Okay, you know what, maybe tomorrow
Speaker 1: night I'll just read you something from Trucker Magazine. I
Speaker 1: believe that Huckby and McCain I've opened up a real
Speaker 1: opportunity for Giuliani in this debate. Let me hear what
Speaker 1: he has to say.
Speaker 6: I threw Arafat out of the UN fifty celebration, and
Speaker 6: I made sure Castro wouldn't come to that celebration.
Speaker 1: Basually, Juliani is saying that his foreign policy experience is
Speaker 1: stopping two old men from going to a party. Actually,
Speaker 1: and this is true if you watch the debate. The
Speaker 1: biggest different in this debate between the ones that were
Speaker 1: in the lead up to Iowa and New Hampshire was
Speaker 1: the tone. Now they're in the real heart of going
Speaker 1: after the base, they're in the South. Here's the tone
Speaker 1: that they've set in terms of dealing with the problem overseas.
Speaker 3: I think you're going to engage the United States military
Speaker 3: to be prepared that the next thing you see will
Speaker 3: be the gates of Hell, for that is exactly what
Speaker 3: you will see after that.
Speaker 2: What Sarah and this instant, I'm not interested in trading
Speaker 2: without Caido. All they want to trade is burkas. I
Speaker 2: don't want to travel with them. They like one way tickets.
Speaker 7: I think one more step, you know, and they would
Speaker 7: have been in a do to those virgins that they're
Speaker 7: looking forward to seeing.
Speaker 1: The thing that they never show is is the audience
Speaker 1: that they're playing to.
Speaker 7: Who would that they would have been introduced to those
Speaker 7: virgins that they're looking forward to seeing.
Speaker 1: By the way, you can get all of those great
Speaker 1: Republican debate comedy snaps in the new comedy album You
Speaker 1: might be an Islamo Fascist if. As you know, Tuesday
Speaker 1: is the New Hampshire primary, the most crucial vote since
Speaker 1: last week's I Will Caucus, and a key belt weather
Speaker 1: for the South Carolina vote twelve days from then, which,
Speaker 1: as you know, is a proven ground.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: The remaining Republican candidates gathered Saturday night on ABC television
Speaker 1: for a nine pm debate, and then inexplicably reassembled the
Speaker 1: next morning at nine am on NBC for another debate.
Speaker 1: It's like the Republican primaries become a telethon for electoral dystrophy.
Speaker 1: It's the fourteenth and fifteenth debate. I mean, they're out
Speaker 1: of things to talk about. Here was what they were
Speaker 1: down to Saturday night. On Saturday Night, again, as we meet. So,
Speaker 1: if you weren't here running for president, what would you
Speaker 1: be doing on a Saturday night? And as a follow up,
Speaker 1: what would you be wearing? And as a follow up
Speaker 1: to that, Really you're going to go out in that.
Speaker 1: Obviously it's a silly question, and yet it reveals the
Speaker 1: sad truth of running for president. No question is too
Speaker 1: trivial to not merit a pandering lie. I'd probably be
Speaker 1: at the shooting range.
Speaker 7: I'd be watching the college championship basketball game, football game.
Speaker 7: I'm a football game, and we'd be.
Speaker 1: Watching the championship game. Afraid is football?
Speaker 4: I love it.
Speaker 8: I'd probably read an economic.
Speaker 1: Textbook, I believe one of you. Seriously, if you went
Speaker 1: down the line of the candidates, the real answers would
Speaker 1: be real housewives. I'd be watching real housewives, Real housewives,
Speaker 1: Real housewives, Real housewives. I'd be reading an economic textbook.
Speaker 1: In fact, the Saturday debate, the Saturday debate was so lame,
Speaker 1: there was only one thing people even wanted to talk
Speaker 1: about afterwards. Nobody really went after Mitt Romney.
Speaker 4: A lot of his rivals for the Republican nomination didn't
Speaker 4: really attack him.
Speaker 9: The five opponents to Mitt Romney really didn't hit him
Speaker 9: very hard.
Speaker 6: Everybody threw punches, but few of them at Mitt Romney.
Speaker 1: When is someone going to kick Mitt Romney in the balls?
Speaker 1: We want to know. Well, it turns out the prayers
Speaker 1: were answered ten hours later on the Lord's Day.
Speaker 7: I realized the red light doesn't mean anything to you
Speaker 7: because you're the front runner.
Speaker 10: If you didn't want to even stand before the people
Speaker 10: at Massachusetts and run on your record, if it was
Speaker 10: that great, why did you bail out? I was criticized
Speaker 10: last night by Governor Romney for putting my country.
Speaker 7: First, a relatively timid Massachusetts moderate.
Speaker 10: This nation is divided, David, because of attitudes like that.
Speaker 7: Can we drop a little bit of the pious maloney?
Speaker 7: The fact is you ran in ninety four and lost.
Speaker 7: That's why you weren't serving in the Senate.
Speaker 1: Wait, your bolooney has a first name, and it's pious.
Speaker 1: That is a terrible name for belogoney. I'm can I
Speaker 1: have a pious bologne and sanctimonious chief Sandwich Newt Gingridge
Speaker 1: calling someone out for some pious blogoney. That'd be like
Speaker 1: Newton Gingrich waxing poetic on the sanctity of marriage.
Speaker 7: The sacroe of marriage was based on a man and woman,
Speaker 7: has been for three thousand years, is at the core
Speaker 7: of our civilization and is something worth protecting and upholding.
Speaker 1: Now that is some pious blogoney.
Speaker 4: But you know what to be fair, not to be fair?
Speaker 1: To be fair, Johnny three wives is right. We must
Speaker 1: protect marriage from gay people. It's not Adam and Steve.
Speaker 1: It's Adam and Eve and then later Trish and eventually
Speaker 1: Barbara and probably anyway. But what of the front runner
Speaker 1: at Romney. Could he maintain his lead through four hours
Speaker 1: of debating whilst still displaying a breathaking ability to express
Speaker 1: two diametrically opposed thoughts with absolutely no recognition that he
Speaker 1: had just done so think it gain. Here's Mitt Romney
Speaker 1: a disavowing any knowledge of these super pac ads Newt
Speaker 1: Gingrich is complaining about, and then be defending the precise
Speaker 1: content of those ads and go with regards to their ads.
Speaker 10: I haven't seen him. Let me tell you this the
Speaker 10: end I saw said that you've been forced out of
Speaker 10: the speakership.
Speaker 4: That was correct.
Speaker 10: That you'd sat down with Nancy Pelosi and argued for
Speaker 10: a climate change build.
Speaker 5: That was correct.
Speaker 10: That is part of an investigation and ethics investigation, that
Speaker 10: you had to reimburse some three to thousand dollars.
Speaker 1: Those things were all true. So dude, let me tell
Speaker 1: you what is specifically in the ads. I never saw
Speaker 1: the weird thing is there? Why lie? Why not just
Speaker 1: defend it? We all know people like that when you
Speaker 1: just think, like, why would you lie about that? I
Speaker 1: refuse to look at those stolen cell phone pictures of
Speaker 1: Scarlet Johanson and what's up without Rainy? They are and
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, nobody's body's that perfect. I mean,
Speaker 1: come on, it's just don't huh s all right. Kind
Speaker 1: of a bad moment there for Mitt, But at least
Speaker 1: he didn't do anything to reinforce the other Romney stereotype
Speaker 1: that he's some sort of elitist, out of touch career politician.
Speaker 10: And I happened to see my dad run for governor
Speaker 10: when he was fifty four years old. He had good
Speaker 10: advice to me. He said, Mitt never get involved in politics.
Speaker 10: If you have to win election to pay a mortgage, What.
Speaker 1: A relatable story, Mitt, Remember, only run for office when
Speaker 1: you're rich. I remember my father taking me aside during
Speaker 1: my early teenage years. We were playing catch in the yard,
Speaker 1: and he advised me withhold running for elective office until
Speaker 1: my net asset succeeded liabilities by a ratio of thirty
Speaker 1: to one, excluding of course, foreign in debuties.
Speaker 6: Dad.
Speaker 1: Anyway, Romney being Romney. Even this week attempt at relatability
Speaker 1: was doomed to collapse when I.
Speaker 10: Saw Ted Kennedy running virtually unopposed in nineteen ninety four,
Speaker 10: a man who I thought, by virtue of the policies
Speaker 10: of the liberal welfare state, had created a permanent underclass
Speaker 10: in America.
Speaker 1: I said, someone's got.
Speaker 10: To run against him. I was happy that he had
Speaker 10: to take a mortgage out of his house to ultimately
Speaker 10: defeat me.
Speaker 1: You forced Ted Kennedy to mortgage one of his houses.
Speaker 1: What a weird rich guy thing to brag about. But
Speaker 1: I ever tell you about the time I bested Richard
Speaker 1: Branson at that Zeppelin auction. I drove up the bidding
Speaker 1: on a golden plate individible. I didn't even want Branson
Speaker 1: underselld part of his archipelago, All of which brings us
Speaker 1: to our new Daily Show segment, specifically for the gop field,
Speaker 1: how is mcmomney kicking all of your assets?
Speaker 8: Finally, all the combatants were in the arena. One was
Speaker 8: ready for the brawl. Everyone was rarely waiting to see
Speaker 8: what Donald Trump would do, because if you remember, Donald
Speaker 8: Trump skipped the last debates, which is probably why you
Speaker 8: don't remember the last debates. You see Trump is the
Speaker 8: main attraction is the t Rex and Jurassic Park, and.
Speaker 11: To see him in action, all you need to do.
Speaker 8: Is leave out some poor little animal as baits. Oh no,
Speaker 8: I'm not sure that's the right. If we can get
Speaker 8: some Oh yeah, that's better.
Speaker 11: Yeah, yeah, that'll do. That'll do.
Speaker 8: It's funny how you guys were sad of for.
Speaker 12: Jeb Bush then a goat that was about to be eaten.
Speaker 8: So one of the biggest issues on the debate night
Speaker 8: between Jeb and Trump was eminent domain, and for many
Speaker 8: conservatives this is a hot button issue. Should the government
Speaker 8: be able to take private land when they deem it
Speaker 8: necessary for the public good.
Speaker 6: The Keystone pipeline without eminent domain, it wouldn't go ten feet. Okay,
Speaker 6: you need eminent domain.
Speaker 4: What Donald Trump did was use eminent domain to try
Speaker 4: to take the property of an elderly woman on the
Speaker 4: strip in Atlantic City. That is not public purpose. That
Speaker 4: is downright wrong.
Speaker 6: He wanted to be a tough hair, want to be
Speaker 6: a tough guy.
Speaker 11: I didn't take the property, and the.
Speaker 6: Next it was you tried, I didn't take. Let me
Speaker 6: just you know, he wants to be a tough guy.
Speaker 6: A lot of times you'll have, you'll have, and it
Speaker 6: doesn't work very well.
Speaker 11: How tough is it?
Speaker 6: Exact times property from an Let me talk.
Speaker 11: Quiet, quiet, quiet, pit squeak, talk to the tan.
Speaker 8: That must have been the weirdest buff fights I've ever
Speaker 8: seen in my life.
Speaker 11: The two guys are a tough guy. Oh, you want
Speaker 11: to be a tough guy. You're looking at my girl. No, no,
Speaker 11: I'm looking at your pully.
Speaker 8: Considered thoughts on eminent domain as it relates to common
Speaker 8: carrier projects.
Speaker 11: That's it. Let's take this outside ecle.
Speaker 6: Times property from an let me talk quiet, help us
Speaker 6: the times A lot of times. That's all of his
Speaker 6: donors and special interests out there, so you know who
Speaker 6: has the tickets for the I'm talking about to the
Speaker 6: television audience, donors, special interest, the people.
Speaker 4: That are putting up the money.
Speaker 6: So it is the reason they're not loving me, the
Speaker 6: reason they're not excuse me, the reason they're not loving
Speaker 6: me is I don't want their money.
Speaker 8: This is insane.
Speaker 11: I love this.
Speaker 8: You understand how crazy Donald Trump is. Jeff Bush was like,
Speaker 8: fight me, fight me, and Trump was like, no, I
Speaker 8: need a challenge, and then he proceeded.
Speaker 11: To fight the audience, the entire audience.
Speaker 12: If that's not presidential, I don't know what any people.
Speaker 8: But even though everyone was waiting for Donald Trump, the
Speaker 8: match that really surprised everybody was the baby faced first
Speaker 8: quencher Marco Rubio versus the bridge blocking bully Governor Chris Christie.
Speaker 11: Because no, no, here's the setup.
Speaker 8: Christy tanked in Iowa, making New Hampshire. He's lost chance
Speaker 8: to make himself the top alternative to Trump or Cruise.
Speaker 8: But in order to do that he'd have to beat
Speaker 8: Marco Rubio, who came in third in Iowa. So Chris
Speaker 8: Christy launched an accusation Rubio is an empty suit with
Speaker 8: canned lines.
Speaker 4: I want the people at home to think about this
Speaker 4: that's what Washington, DC does in the memorized twenty five
Speaker 4: second speech. That is exactly what his advisors gave.
Speaker 11: Eyed Rubio.
Speaker 8: All right, the challenge has been issued, and.
Speaker 11: Now you have to prove him wrong.
Speaker 9: And let's dispel once and fra Aull with this fiction
Speaker 9: that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows
Speaker 9: exactly what he's doing. I would add this, let's dispel
Speaker 9: with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing.
Speaker 9: He knows exactly what he's doing. He is trying to
Speaker 9: change this country. Here's the bottom line. This notion that
Speaker 9: Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not there.
Speaker 4: It is he knows exactly what the memorize twenty five
Speaker 4: seconds speech.
Speaker 5: That's the body camp.
Speaker 12: Rubio, he's on too.
Speaker 8: You switch up the place, just say anything.
Speaker 4: Else you've memorized twenty five seconds speaks. They campaign is.
Speaker 9: So important because I think this notion, I think this
Speaker 9: is an important point. We have to understand what we're
Speaker 9: going through here. We are not facing a president that
Speaker 9: doesn't know what he's doing. He knows what he is doing.
Speaker 11: He lost it.
Speaker 8: He lost it, first of all, he's saying, Barack Obama
Speaker 8: knows what he's doing. Let's just take a second to
Speaker 8: accept that he says like a level.
Speaker 11: That's the first thing. And uh. Secondly, Chris Christy called.
Speaker 8: Rubio out on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking
Speaker 8: points like a stump speech robot, and Rubio's reply.
Speaker 1: Was, peep boop bee poop be poop.
Speaker 11: I am human peepoop peep boop. He got exposed.
Speaker 12: Micael Rubio got hought so hard he had to take
Speaker 12: Chris Christy to red love stuff like, oh man, look,
Speaker 12: Senator Rubio is something you need to take a page
Speaker 12: out of doctor Cousin's book.
Speaker 11: Next time there's a.
Speaker 8: Debate, take a moment and think about not coming out.
Speaker 8: But for now, go home, get some fresh clothes, because,
Speaker 8: let's be honest, you just your pants.
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Speaker 1: Ye