Speaker 1: Hey, hey, Hey, we're back.
Speaker 2: We're black, We're brown. Ambition ambition, ambition, ambition, ambition.
Speaker 1: Hey Mannger, how are you good morning?
Speaker 3: I'm sure we have in there. How are you good?
Speaker 1: We have some extra black in black and black. I'm
Speaker 1: brown ambition.
Speaker 4: Today, I mean Claudruple the Chocolate today, Cuaudruple the Yes.
Speaker 4: I'm so excited to have these guests on, y'all. Yeah,
Speaker 4: these are old friends of yours. I feel like, but
Speaker 4: this is my first time meaning them. But it's yeah,
Speaker 4: I know.
Speaker 2: Well, honestly, if you are listening, I can almost guarantee
Speaker 2: that you know Duvaul and conteen.
Speaker 1: Elis. They've millennial married couple.
Speaker 2: First of all, they're both I feel like it's not
Speaker 2: fair for the gene pool that both y' all beautiful
Speaker 2: and just want to both married somebody ugly so that
Speaker 2: way we can spread the well. But now they were like, no,
Speaker 2: we're gonna keep it on.
Speaker 1: The kids are absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 2: They have a podcast themselves called Dead Ass with K
Speaker 2: and D that have been on several times, and they
Speaker 2: have a new book called We Over Me, The Counterintuitive
Speaker 2: Approach to Getting Everything you want from your relationship.
Speaker 1: And as of last week.
Speaker 2: They are New York Times best selling authors.
Speaker 3: Yes, welcome to the club.
Speaker 1: It's cute over here.
Speaker 5: Thank you, we can finally join you in some aspect
Speaker 5: of what.
Speaker 2: No, I just I'm just like really proud of you.
Speaker 2: I'm just so excited for you to be on here
Speaker 2: with us. Yes, Andy, well you know you don't know
Speaker 2: them any question.
Speaker 4: In person, but of course I know y'all like, of
Speaker 4: course I listen to dead ass and wait, remind me,
Speaker 4: y'all got your start of the YouTube channel, right.
Speaker 5: Actually we started with Instagram, Instagram stology.
Speaker 4: So for the people who haven't had the pleasure of
Speaker 4: meeting the LSS yet, tell us a little bit about
Speaker 4: how you got your start and how you came to
Speaker 4: the point where you were, like, let's put this into
Speaker 4: a book. Our marriage, our relationship. These skills are so magic.
Speaker 4: Everyone needs to know these.
Speaker 5: Well. The funny thing is, if you read the book,
Speaker 5: you realize that we're not even talking about how magical
Speaker 5: our skills are. We talked about how messed up we
Speaker 5: were when we first got We kind of figured things
Speaker 5: out that work for us. But it actually started on
Speaker 5: social media. As many people know, Kadeen is a host
Speaker 5: of TV hosts and I'm an actor. And since the
Speaker 5: first day we met in college and we talked about
Speaker 5: what our dreams were. Our dreams were to be in
Speaker 5: front of the camera. Fast forward about ten years. I
Speaker 5: had retired from the NFL and I was doing on auditions.
Speaker 5: I had booked a bunch of national commercials and Kadeen
Speaker 5: was doing some hosting and I was Power, which is
Speaker 5: my third time on prime time television. And I was
Speaker 5: with my son, Jackson at the time, who was I
Speaker 5: think four, and he said, I come on TV and
Speaker 5: we were all excited. My family's watching and he goes, Daddy,
Speaker 5: you always have on that outfit when you were on TV.
Speaker 5: And I had on an orange jumpsuit because that was
Speaker 5: my third time criminal on television. And it hurt because
Speaker 5: I was like, I was like, man, like here I
Speaker 5: am perpetualating the same stereotypes that I'm trying to eliminate
Speaker 5: with all of the work I do. I had a
Speaker 5: non for profit organization in Brooklyn who are helping young
Speaker 5: men get into college. So the very next day I
Speaker 5: had an audition for Blue Bloods and I'm going the
Speaker 5: audition and there are two lines. There's a line for
Speaker 5: an attorney and a doctor, and there's a line for
Speaker 5: inmate one and two. Of course, I'm in there to
Speaker 5: audition for inmate one and two. And I look on
Speaker 5: the line and there's nothing but black and brown men.
Speaker 5: So then I asked a question. I'm like, this is
Speaker 5: a co starring role. I said, maybe if I just
Speaker 5: asked to let me go into the other line. So
Speaker 5: why can audition as an attorney or a doctor? And
Speaker 5: the lady was just like, no, you know, we have
Speaker 5: specific audition times for specific people on that line. We're
Speaker 5: all white and Asian men. And I walked out and
Speaker 5: Kadin was like, man, that was a fast audition. And
Speaker 5: I was just like, I didn't do it. I'm not
Speaker 5: I can't do this anymore. And she was like duvow.
Speaker 5: She just walked out of the audition. I said, I
Speaker 5: can't continue to perpetuate the same stereotype. So she was like, well,
Speaker 5: what's your plan? I said, Instagram has just instituted fifteen
Speaker 5: second videos. I'm going to write little fifteen second like
Speaker 5: scenes for you and I and we're going to map
Speaker 5: it out and have our own little social sitcom called
Speaker 5: the Elysis.
Speaker 3: And I was like, okay, why do you want to
Speaker 3: do that?
Speaker 5: Just think about it. If we can show people that
Speaker 5: the black family exists, because at the time, it was
Speaker 5: just me, her and Jackson, and we can show them
Speaker 5: what our love looked like, and it's just a regular
Speaker 5: black family from Brooklyn, just grinding to make it through gentrification.
Speaker 5: And we had so many things that we could allu
Speaker 5: you and debate about because we were coming from a
Speaker 5: man's standpoint and a woman's standpoint, and we were using
Speaker 5: relationships as our basis. And she was like, all right,
Speaker 5: if you see it, I'm with it. Started to do
Speaker 5: these little skits. Then Instagram turned into sixty second videos
Speaker 5: and I was like, wow, I got sixty second instead
Speaker 5: of fact, let's go. It started to blow up, and
Speaker 5: as it started to blow up, the comment section started
Speaker 5: to be, you know, men and women starting to debate,
Speaker 5: like I understand d vous perspective, I understand these perspective.
Speaker 5: And then that transitioned into the podcast, and then the
Speaker 5: podcast transitioned into the YouTube series of Elysis, where we
Speaker 5: did fifteen minute videos which was a sitcom of our family.
Speaker 5: And then the next natural step was a book where
Speaker 5: we can actually write down all our thoughts and tell
Speaker 5: our story, which we call the Brooklyn Love Story and
Speaker 5: its totality without being shortened by you know, Twitter limits
Speaker 5: or small Instagram limits. So it just transitioned into a
Speaker 5: book and we wanted to tell our story in our narrative,
Speaker 5: our way.
Speaker 1: Did you see this? So the one I there was
Speaker 1: one that was like you guys went viral for it
Speaker 1: was like this really cute picture, like.
Speaker 2: Or maybe a series of pictures I remember he had,
Speaker 2: so that picture went viral.
Speaker 1: But then the I didn't realize now the vall that
Speaker 1: it was you.
Speaker 2: But it was this hilarious skit many I don't know
Speaker 2: if you ever saw it that, Like Kadeen was like
Speaker 2: not there and the vall had to like take the
Speaker 2: kids like grocery shopping or something, and he was like,
Speaker 2: how how your mother gets you out of the house?
Speaker 3: Your pants? Your paint again?
Speaker 2: It was huh freaking I mean the way I watched
Speaker 2: that like a hundred times to watch like this dad
Speaker 2: struggle with like taking the kids outside the house taked
Speaker 2: like he would always be like, kade what takes you
Speaker 2: so long to get the kids ready? And when he
Speaker 2: had to do it himself, he could not believe that
Speaker 2: somehow she managed to do all of.
Speaker 1: This, and he was like, I'm tired. I'm not to
Speaker 1: go back.
Speaker 2: And they hadn't even gone food shopping to where were
Speaker 2: you supposed to be going? But that was the skit
Speaker 2: that like put me on to be like wow, like,
Speaker 2: you know, I love that that it was real and
Speaker 2: you know that this is what it looks like there. Sometimes,
Speaker 2: you know, moms make these miracles happen. They make them
Speaker 2: seem so effortless that like Dad's like, it can't be
Speaker 2: that hard until it's not for you to.
Speaker 6: Do that, right, Yeah, he definitely understood after that.
Speaker 5: I get it.
Speaker 3: How many kids do y'all have today?
Speaker 6: So we have four total now, our youngest year and
Speaker 6: about fifteen months now, and Jackson, the oldest, is eleven
Speaker 6: to twelve. And then we have six.
Speaker 3: Wow, yeah, yeah, I think of it. I have one
Speaker 3: and a half.
Speaker 4: Yes, I have a three year old and I have
Speaker 4: a I have another one on the way in a
Speaker 4: couple of months. Thank you, thank you so much. Yeah,
Speaker 4: And honestly, I'm like, oh, sorry, what'd you say?
Speaker 6: I said we won't be adding anyone to anything over here.
Speaker 4: I mean, I'm one of four, so I'm like, you know,
Speaker 4: part of me is like, I mean, I was number three,
Speaker 4: so I'm not sure trying to go all.
Speaker 3: The way to four.
Speaker 4: I'm like, maybe the third got but no. On my
Speaker 4: my husband and I are relationship. It's and plus the
Speaker 4: pandemic and you guys have you know, lived through that
Speaker 4: as a couple as well. I mean, how do y'all
Speaker 4: see the dynamic of your marriage sort of changing from
Speaker 4: one to two to three to four kids?
Speaker 3: Now?
Speaker 6: I feel like after after after three, I was after two,
Speaker 6: after two.
Speaker 5: Whatever.
Speaker 6: Yeah, it's just like add another one and another one
Speaker 6: and another one. They'll figure it out. We'll see kind
Speaker 6: of like yeah, in the same direction after a while,
Speaker 6: and then you hope for the best.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 6: The nice thing we have, the age difference that we
Speaker 6: have is that Jackson, who's now almost twelve, he's literally
Speaker 6: conducting himself.
Speaker 5: Like a grown man.
Speaker 6: It's insane to see how responsible and how mature he is.
Speaker 6: And we're both the oldest of three, and we can
Speaker 6: see a lot of those similar qualities in him where
Speaker 6: we're like, oh, he's definitely a leader, he's a nurturer.
Speaker 6: So it's nice sometimes to kind of be like, hey,
Speaker 6: look out for your brother. So since we travel a
Speaker 6: lot for work, you know a lot of times we
Speaker 6: have parent guilt leaving because we're like, oh my god,
Speaker 6: we feakin and you know, Jackson literally like holds it down.
Speaker 6: It's so funny. We was having a conversation with Val
Speaker 6: and I I'm like, you know, text the driver and
Speaker 6: let him know that we don't need him anymore against
Speaker 6: to come later to pick up someone else. And Jackson's like,
Speaker 6: literally over here like texting between us the driver, I
Speaker 6: got you to worry about it.
Speaker 5: We can text because it didn't have an Apple phone.
Speaker 5: So we were like, then we need somebody to get contact,
Speaker 5: and we hit our eleven year old send him the number,
Speaker 5: and then he sends us the screenshot that he sent
Speaker 5: the driver. He yo, black, my dad said, don't worry
Speaker 5: about coming. But it's funny.
Speaker 4: He's so on it and the picture he's got like
Speaker 4: a like an airpiece on Lord grown up by now
Speaker 4: while he's changing a diaper background.
Speaker 6: Like making grilled cheese at the same time. It's so funny,
Speaker 6: but it's really dope to watch.
Speaker 4: And when you had that idea to start insta videos,
Speaker 4: like financially, I mean, what was the conversation like, you know,
Speaker 4: I'm going to stop taking on these roles, which I
Speaker 4: know we're not the best, and obviously we're super you
Speaker 4: know you're a pigeonholed, which is awful, But as a couple,
Speaker 4: how did y'all handle that?
Speaker 3: Financially?
Speaker 4: We have so many listeners who are constantly asking us
Speaker 4: right to like.
Speaker 3: How do y'all manage your finances? And like how do
Speaker 3: you you know, get on the same page.
Speaker 4: And it's one thing to manage it when you're both
Speaker 4: got like nine to five jobs. It's another thing when
Speaker 4: one of y'all is like, I'm going to leap off
Speaker 4: this cliff.
Speaker 3: You don't, let's go.
Speaker 6: Oh for sure. One thing did all knew that we
Speaker 6: could not be was no starving artist's family. That's the
Speaker 6: fact that she wanted to be an actor. That's amazing.
Speaker 6: I'm go go about it, But how are you going
Speaker 6: to make this happen financially? Because at that point, what
Speaker 6: year was it, we moved the NFL, you retired, and
Speaker 6: then we moved back to New York and Brooklyn, and
Speaker 6: that's when we kind of had to start over again.
Speaker 6: So our story is a little interesting because it went
Speaker 6: from being broken college, to the about getting money in
Speaker 6: the NFL, to us losing everything in the recession back
Speaker 6: in two thousand and eight and then having to rebuild again.
Speaker 5: And the biggest thing is I've always had plans, and
Speaker 5: I've always included Kadeen in my plans. On our very
Speaker 5: first date, Kadeen said to me, what do you want
Speaker 5: to do with your life? We were eighteen years old,
Speaker 5: sitting in my dorm room, my very first date, and
Speaker 5: Martin was on television and I said I want to
Speaker 5: do that and she was like, what's that? And I said,
Speaker 5: I'm going to act. And this is the moment, realistically,
Speaker 5: when I knew I had a partner or somewhe different.
Speaker 5: She didn't laugh, she didn't get how are you gonna
Speaker 5: da da da? She said, okay, how are we going
Speaker 5: to get there? And it was the how are we
Speaker 5: going to get there? To me that was kind of intriguing,
Speaker 5: like wow, First of all, she didn't laugh. Second of all,
Speaker 5: she included herself in my dream, which made me in
Speaker 5: that moment, feel like she believes in my dream as well,
Speaker 5: which made me feel good. So then I told her,
Speaker 5: I said, well, if I make it to the NFL,
Speaker 5: and I make a practice squad. I can make this
Speaker 5: is at eighteen. Now, I said, I can make one
Speaker 5: hundred thousand dollars in four months. We can put a
Speaker 5: down payment in the Brownstone in Brooklyn, we can run
Speaker 5: out the upstairs two floors, we can live in the
Speaker 5: basement part and we could We don't have to be
Speaker 5: starving artists because the rent will cover the mortgage.
Speaker 4: And she was like, wow, eighteen at eighteen, and I
Speaker 4: was like, what, you had a good one.
Speaker 3: I was not talking about down payments at eighteen.
Speaker 5: The funny thing is that's the way my brain always worked.
Speaker 5: So as I got to the NFL, of course I
Speaker 5: bought property, I did all the right things. The recession hits,
Speaker 5: and I get cut in the same three months. Like
Speaker 5: the recession hit that summer of two thousand and eight,
Speaker 5: I get cut in September two thousand and eight. So
Speaker 5: then for the next four months we were trying to
Speaker 5: figure out which this income going to come in, because
Speaker 5: I had bought multiple properties and now I have no
Speaker 5: income coming in.
Speaker 6: Her full part about that, too, is just like we
Speaker 6: did all of the right things, Like he's so dealing,
Speaker 6: like his business acumen and his financial acumen was so
Speaker 6: far beyond anything I had experienced, so I knew he
Speaker 6: was doing the right things. I was like, he's not
Speaker 6: throwing bands in the strip club. I mean, you know,
Speaker 6: he thought we were doing all the right things, but
Speaker 6: his money. And then here we are back one.
Speaker 5: So when I decided to retire, I had told kay
Speaker 5: I said, listen, give me some time. I will get
Speaker 5: us back to where we were when I was playing ball.
Speaker 5: And this is where the partnership comes in. And we
Speaker 5: worried about this in the book. I said to Kadeen,
Speaker 5: I'm cut. We don't have insurance. All I need is
Speaker 5: for someone to have insurance. You're pregnant, so to make
Speaker 5: sure that we can cover the baby. Stuff like that.
Speaker 5: Kadeen took off her engagement ring and put it in
Speaker 5: her jewelry box, got on that B forty four bus
Speaker 5: and went to the mall and said, I need a job,
Speaker 5: and she her biggest focus was getting a full time
Speaker 5: job so that we can get insurance. So my answer
Speaker 5: to that question was, anytime there was a financial issue,
Speaker 5: I never hit it. We talked about how we were
Speaker 5: going to get ourselves out of that financial situation together.
Speaker 5: She was never too you too stuck up to pull
Speaker 5: up our bootstraps and say I'm gonna go work. I
Speaker 5: worked as a substitute teacher. I worked as a color
Speaker 5: commentary on mc varsity. I did personal training. There was
Speaker 5: no job that was beneath me in order to provide
Speaker 5: for my family, and my wife felt the same way.
Speaker 5: So during those times, you just worked harder. We did
Speaker 5: multiple jobs, multiple tasks, until we got to the point
Speaker 5: where we could say, you know what, i want autonomy
Speaker 5: over my time. Now, I'm going to quit this aspect
Speaker 5: and just focus on this. And Instagram was able to
Speaker 5: provide that for us when the brand partnership deals started
Speaker 5: to come up.
Speaker 1: So what are the conversations like now about money?
Speaker 2: Now that like you're off the struggle bus, you know,
Speaker 2: and you're like, so I'm curious, like where are you?
Speaker 2: So it's like, you know, in the beginning, like so
Speaker 2: many new entrepreneurs, there's this struggle, and then there's a
Speaker 2: space where it's like I'm kind of okay, and then
Speaker 2: there's a space where it's like no, I'm solidly okay,
Speaker 2: and then hopefully there's a space where it's like I'm
Speaker 2: beyond okay. I'm actually doing really well, so where are
Speaker 2: you in that space? And then how have the conversation shifted?
Speaker 5: Well, right now we're beyond okay, we're doing extremely row.
Speaker 5: I like to say, we live in abundance. And the
Speaker 5: first thing we do is we have a fiduciary responsibility
Speaker 5: to pay forward. You know. I feel like no one
Speaker 5: should live in a bonus without being a gift to
Speaker 5: other people, because this is a gift to well. So
Speaker 5: that's the first thing. The second thing is all about
Speaker 5: about wealth building. Now, how can we prepare our children
Speaker 5: to be in this space regardless of what happens to
Speaker 5: them in life. It doesn't matter if I mean, of
Speaker 5: course we want through the graduate in high school and
Speaker 5: go to college or learn the trade or do something.
Speaker 5: But I want to be able to have my children
Speaker 5: live freely on this planet. And that's what the goal is. Now.
Speaker 5: What things can be put in place to make sure
Speaker 5: our children are okay?
Speaker 6: And it's funny, Tiffany and Mandy because the Deval for
Speaker 6: a long time had to school me on the financial
Speaker 6: world and how things work. I was not good with money,
Speaker 6: and not to say that I was a frivolous spender,
Speaker 6: but for example, Deval gave me or put me on
Speaker 6: his credit card a little bit after what was it
Speaker 6: the NFL?
Speaker 5: This was thousand, So it's two thousand and six six.
Speaker 5: I was a rookie the NFL, and I was trying
Speaker 5: to help with build a.
Speaker 6: Credit, right because at this point my parents hadn't really
Speaker 6: explained anything to me about credit or anything. So he
Speaker 6: added me on in his credit card. So I'm thinking, oh,
Speaker 6: I got like money percent and I can just pay
Speaker 6: it back at my leisure. And I didn't realize at
Speaker 6: the time, I you know, put the card. I think
Speaker 6: it was like fifteen thousands, just like the with the
Speaker 6: MAX and I was just making like small payments like
Speaker 6: oh twenty five thousan a month, you know, not knowing
Speaker 6: anything about adults. Right, So there's that things that we
Speaker 6: were in being broken and going back to Brooklyn having
Speaker 6: to rebuild. Even in the space that we're in now,
Speaker 6: I still sometimes move with caution, like I don't want
Speaker 6: to buy this, or oh what's the budget for that?
Speaker 6: And that was like my my, my look at person
Speaker 6: that just used to be like I don't know if
Speaker 6: you guys have seen this like a video going around
Speaker 6: a viral where someone has their Apple Panent.
Speaker 5: They're like.
Speaker 6: Charging everything everywhere, and I just can't get used to
Speaker 6: that now because I'm still living in this sense of
Speaker 6: fear sometimes like what if it all get snatched away?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 6: But Devell has helped kind of ease that anxiety meet
Speaker 6: and then you know, like, Okay, now we have certain
Speaker 6: things allotted, like the children will be okay, we will
Speaker 6: be okay, like these people and things that we have
Speaker 6: in place will make it so that we're okay, Like
Speaker 6: you don't have to live like that. But also too,
Speaker 6: us feel like it's a more stressful environment like that
Speaker 6: whole more money, more problem situation because now we are
Speaker 6: technically employing a large group of people to work for us,
Speaker 6: to help us create the content that we have. So
Speaker 6: now I'm thinking about how many people's livelihoods we're responsible for,
Speaker 6: and that's a different kind of pressure. When you think
Speaker 6: about it, it's like it's not just about us. It's
Speaker 6: trying to help make sure that our people around us
Speaker 6: are also staying afloat. So that's an added layer of stress.
Speaker 6: Like back in November, Devell had this breakdown unlike anything
Speaker 6: I've seen before. I know he doesn't mind sharing it
Speaker 6: because he's spoken about it, but he was filming his
Speaker 6: I think it was six season Insisters or STEMA, and
Speaker 6: I'm pretty much passed out on set. And when I
Speaker 6: spoke to him and I'm like, hey, you know, I'm
Speaker 6: a Jamaica at a wedding and I'm like, you know
Speaker 6: what's going on? And He's just like, Oh, I'm you know, dehydrated.
Speaker 6: I'm really stressed out and whatnot. And I said to
Speaker 6: him toout, like, if you don't feel well this weekend,
Speaker 6: maybe you can't make it to work on Monday, Like
Speaker 6: they're going to have to understand your health comes first.
Speaker 6: And he literally was like no, like I have to
Speaker 6: go to work because I have to make this money
Speaker 6: because I have people.
Speaker 2: I have to pay.
Speaker 6: And that was the main reason why he couldn't even
Speaker 6: take the time to get one hundred percent back to
Speaker 6: himself health wise, because he had the stress of thinking
Speaker 6: about how many people we had that were depending on us.
Speaker 6: That's another level of stress that you deal with in
Speaker 6: the financial space.
Speaker 5: No, yeah, I mean Tiviany and you you understand this.
Speaker 5: When you become your own company, you sort of become
Speaker 5: an economy for so many people, and when you become
Speaker 5: that economy. It only works as you work. And when
Speaker 5: you've when you've n trusted people, you put it on
Speaker 5: them like, hey, I need you to help me, help
Speaker 5: me make this happen. But also they've entrusted you, so
Speaker 5: it's like now they put their livelihoods and their dreams
Speaker 5: and stuff in your pretty much in your lap and say, hey,
Speaker 5: as long as you work, I'm here to help facilitate that.
Speaker 5: But during that time, I didn't realize how much financially,
Speaker 5: how much pressure that would be on us financially. And
Speaker 5: we're at that point now, like I said, when we
Speaker 5: live in abundance, so we always want to pay forward
Speaker 5: and help people, but it is like a huge responsibility
Speaker 5: to make sure that we always bring in enough to
Speaker 5: make sure that we can put it back out there too.
Speaker 1: You can I give you some advice and feedback.
Speaker 5: Of course you can, because you already know how well
Speaker 5: I was saying. I was there.
Speaker 1: Lookdin was like growl, let me get my notebook right.
Speaker 2: So this is for So this is that's a stage
Speaker 2: in entrepreneurship that you know, many of us reach, especially
Speaker 2: if we are the face of our brand. Like Mandy
Speaker 2: has her own business. She teaches career negotiating, especially the women,
Speaker 2: and so in the beginning, yes, you are the face first,
Speaker 2: just you, you know, because you're like, I ain't got
Speaker 2: money to pay nobody, So you do all the things,
Speaker 2: and then if your fortunate business grows, you bring on
Speaker 2: help and then they're working side by side. And then
Speaker 2: you get to a point where it's like you literally
Speaker 2: for many people. You have to work in order to
Speaker 2: provide for not just your family, but your business family.
Speaker 2: And that's where it gets tricky because same I had
Speaker 2: like my blood pressure was.
Speaker 1: Through the roof.
Speaker 2: I mean it was to the point where was like
Speaker 2: you been have a heart attack, tivity, because you can't
Speaker 2: be No. One sixty one seventy over one hundred.
Speaker 7: I mean it was.
Speaker 2: I stopped taking my blood pressure like I didn't have
Speaker 2: I wasn't on medication, but the doctor was like, if
Speaker 2: you come back with this blood pressure like this again,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna put you on medication. I gained like thirty
Speaker 2: pounds the level I was so stressed. I didn't know
Speaker 2: what it felt like not to be stressed. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 2: I used to tell myself I'm a morning person because
Speaker 2: I woke up every morning at four or five am,
Speaker 2: until I realized I'm not necessarily a morning person. It
Speaker 2: was anxiety. I could not sleep, even in my dreams.
Speaker 2: I was working in my dream I remember literally in
Speaker 2: my dreams on a computer. But you know so, and
Speaker 2: it doesn't it shouldn't have to take tragedy. But I knew,
Speaker 2: like a year or so before my husband passed away,
Speaker 2: I knew that something had to shift because I was
Speaker 2: declining and I was trying to make these small little
Speaker 2: shifts and small little shifts, and it wasn't really enough.
Speaker 2: And it wasn't until Jarrell passed away that I realized
Speaker 2: I have to make a huge, sweeping change because you
Speaker 2: got to choose, Tiffany, You're either gonna grieve over your
Speaker 2: health or grieve over your husband, because I just didn't
Speaker 2: have the capacity to do both. And so I said,
Speaker 2: I need to get my health together. And one of
Speaker 2: the ways is I had to revamp the way I
Speaker 2: did business that it doesn't like now. The way the
Speaker 2: business runs largely it doesn't have to fully depend on
Speaker 2: me hitting the track, because at one point it was
Speaker 2: like yo if because I could not work for six
Speaker 2: months after he passed away, and I saw like a
Speaker 2: whole new side of people who I thought were down
Speaker 2: for whatever. When I could no longer dance, you know,
Speaker 2: dance to dance to make sure everybody ate, And so
Speaker 2: slowly but surely I started to shift my business.
Speaker 1: I had to reduce some staff.
Speaker 2: You know, it wasn't pleasant, but I had to and
Speaker 2: to shift the way, like I pivoted from the money
Speaker 2: has to come from Tiffany being there to what are
Speaker 2: other ways? So I'm in the budgeties is in the
Speaker 2: business of community and content. That's what I told my team.
Speaker 2: So how do we monetize the community? How do we
Speaker 2: monetize the content where it doesn't depend on me going
Speaker 2: out to speak? So even now we are in the
Speaker 2: middle of like this huge shift and pivot because right
Speaker 2: now it used to be one hundred percent Tiffany. Now
Speaker 2: it's about seventy sixty seventy percent Tiffany. By the end
Speaker 2: of the year, my AAM is fifty percent, by next
Speaker 2: year thirty percent. But it has to be intentional or
Speaker 2: you will work yourself to the ground. So the key
Speaker 2: in all things when it comes to business in particular,
Speaker 2: I've been talking to a lot of people this week,
Speaker 2: is that I call it you want to start to
Speaker 2: pre pivot, meaning you should be able to end your business,
Speaker 2: look into the future and say this is where this
Speaker 2: is headed sick, overwhelmed overwork that so before we get
Speaker 2: there three years from now, what do I need to
Speaker 2: do now? Because you will have to pivot because your
Speaker 2: body is going to force you. But if I can
Speaker 2: pre pivot, do it willingly. I can take my time
Speaker 2: and I can do so. And although it's hard and
Speaker 2: not everyone's going to be happy about it, but I
Speaker 2: can do so. So in three years, when the event
Speaker 2: happens or whatever, then I've already done the work or
Speaker 2: or the foundation or whatever it is that I'm needing
Speaker 2: to do. And so that's just for all business owners.
Speaker 2: For YouTube Mandy, is that ideally, what you hope is
Speaker 2: that you bake this in to your business model, that
Speaker 2: you don't go so far that it's just like you
Speaker 2: you you you, And if you haven't, you know, you
Speaker 2: start you have to ask yourself like, well, how do
Speaker 2: I want what am I in the business of, How
Speaker 2: do I want my business to make money outside of me?
Speaker 2: What do I need to start doing to start to
Speaker 2: integrate that into the business now? Because I promise you
Speaker 2: like a reckoning is coming if you don't, because if
Speaker 2: you pass that on set, the body keeps the score.
Speaker 1: It's like, I don't care what you're talking.
Speaker 2: About that you find I say, you're not lay down,
Speaker 2: you know, and so like I don't want that for
Speaker 2: anyone listening, and so yeah, I just it's not likely
Speaker 2: we could talk offline about like some ideas, like you know,
Speaker 2: cause I literally just meeting with my friend love yesterday.
Speaker 2: My friend bos was like, can't we talk? Everyone is
Speaker 2: just like, can't we talk? Because I'm the queen of
Speaker 2: the pre pivot, like to get ahead of this thing
Speaker 2: before it takes me out.
Speaker 1: Wait, the conversation is getting so juicy, but we got
Speaker 1: to take a break pay mills, you know. So we
Speaker 1: will be right back with Kadeen and Duval stay put
Speaker 1: and we're back in black.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean as a couple, like I listen, I
Speaker 4: mean we were at my husband and I were at
Speaker 4: a friend's friend, a couple friend's house yesterday and they
Speaker 4: were making pizzas and like, it's really hard to not
Speaker 4: compare yourself to other couples, right, I don't know, for me, anyway,
Speaker 4: I try not to. I've gotten there about not comparing
Speaker 4: my son to other kids. But I'm just like, Wow,
Speaker 4: they've been making these pizzas and I haven't heard either
Speaker 4: of them like snap or like, you know, like there's
Speaker 4: enough space in the kitchen for them like with us.
Speaker 4: But can y'all talk about like I mean, and I'm
Speaker 4: sure in the book you know you talk about this too,
Speaker 4: how there are imperfect not imperfections, but just the reality
Speaker 4: of being you know, too strong independent minded people in
Speaker 4: a relationship. Have there been moments where like one of
Speaker 4: y'all have wanted to go one way and the other
Speaker 4: the other direction, and you were just like doing this
Speaker 4: tug of war and how you maybe navigated that.
Speaker 6: I think either of us are so strong in our
Speaker 6: thoughts that we're not willing to bend. It's really like
Speaker 6: there's no power struggle here, nor is there, uh like
Speaker 6: forcing of one to be the leader and be right
Speaker 6: in that moment. I feel like whoever is better equipped
Speaker 6: in a certain moment to do whatever the task is,
Speaker 6: we do it. And if we feel strongly about something,
Speaker 6: we voice that and then we find a way to
Speaker 6: work around it. Because usually, for the most part, I
Speaker 6: feel like we usually land in the space where dvas
Speaker 6: like Coadin, I really don't care about this particular thing.
Speaker 6: If you hear that much about it, God make a
Speaker 6: decision and I'm un rock with you. I think we
Speaker 6: both respect each other not to know that we're never
Speaker 6: going to lead each other too far straight and if
Speaker 6: we see it happen and we know how to read
Speaker 6: each other back in. But have you really struggled with
Speaker 6: anything much?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 5: I think I think part of this kind of goes
Speaker 5: back to what Tiffany was saying. But I love the
Speaker 5: pre pivot, so I'm good at foreseeing when things I'm
Speaker 5: like something something ain't like. That's why last year to
Speaker 5: me was an anomaly. But when it comes to us
Speaker 5: making decisions, there's no wrong decision. So if Kadeen is
Speaker 5: strong minded about something, and say, for example, it goes
Speaker 5: in the direction that I don't foresee it being being
Speaker 5: positive or successful, I'm like, babe, how about we tried
Speaker 5: this a week? We make move this way like I don't.
Speaker 5: It's no blame game. It doesn't matter who made the decision.
Speaker 5: This is the decision we're going because one of us
Speaker 5: is strong minded about it, and it works out perfectly
Speaker 5: badly celebrated if it don't. Let's pivot before it gets
Speaker 5: too bad and move on. And I think that type
Speaker 5: of idea, that there's no wrong decision or no bad decision,
Speaker 5: allows us to not argue about what we're going to do,
Speaker 5: because most of those arguments tend to be, well, you
Speaker 5: made the mistake, you made the decision if we would
Speaker 5: have did it my way, and in my mind, there
Speaker 5: is no my way. You know, We've been doing this
Speaker 5: together since eighteen and when I say together, I mean
Speaker 5: right now, maybe de Vos season, because I'm on television
Speaker 5: and I'm the one who came up with Instagram and
Speaker 5: all this other stuff. But there was a point when
Speaker 5: it was Kadeen's season and I had to just be
Speaker 5: the person to just rock with her. I was an
Speaker 5: All American in college and she needed help with her
Speaker 5: white balance filming for her while she was working for
Speaker 5: New twelve. I got the camera on my shoulder, I
Speaker 5: got the paper out, and I'm trying to do this
Speaker 5: because I have to play my part in her dream
Speaker 5: as well. So since we've been used to for twenty years,
Speaker 5: always playing our role in the other person's ideas of success,
Speaker 5: it's like, all right, well, what do you want to
Speaker 5: do how are we going to do it together?
Speaker 6: And that's essentially how we came up with the title
Speaker 6: of the book, about to say, dating camera on his shoulder, Okay,
Speaker 6: you are aging us my good man.
Speaker 7: Es.
Speaker 5: Okay, so we over me.
Speaker 2: If anyone's listening, whether they're single, partner and married or whatever,
Speaker 2: what do you hope like, what's like one of some
Speaker 2: key lessons that you hope people take away, you know,
Speaker 2: for their own lives, whether they're partners or not.
Speaker 6: Well, the first thing is we over me. We hope
Speaker 6: that folks know that this is not like a relationship
Speaker 6: how to book. I know it kind of gets put
Speaker 6: under those categories, but we really didn't want it to
Speaker 6: be a book that people went to thinking like we're
Speaker 6: going to give them some outline of what made the
Speaker 6: perfect marriage or the best relationship, because we don't profess
Speaker 6: to have all the answers. What we were hoping to
Speaker 6: do in the book is to just share a little
Speaker 6: bit about our love story, our journey, because a lot
Speaker 6: of times people will see and then'd be like, oh
Speaker 6: my god, Kadin, what was your prayer?
Speaker 5: Devo?
Speaker 6: What was your prayer? Or how did I get this? Devo?
Speaker 6: How do I get Kadeen and it's like Kadina de value.
Speaker 6: See today is twenty years in the making. We didn't
Speaker 6: just wake up like this.
Speaker 3: You've been reminding myself that. I'm like, m hm, they
Speaker 3: said twenty years.
Speaker 5: It's been less than how long how long you been
Speaker 5: with your husband?
Speaker 3: About twenty twelve, like eleven years together and married five.
Speaker 5: So I'll give you some insight real quick to the book. Okay,
Speaker 5: our first five years of marriage was terrible, like Soto back.
Speaker 3: After and you didn't have to deal with a pandemic.
Speaker 5: This was no pandemic and this was NFL. So it
Speaker 5: was like everything was blissed, free, free college education, everything.
Speaker 5: And we had been together eight years before then. So
Speaker 5: we're telling you that for the first thirteen years of
Speaker 5: our friendship slash courtship slash marriage, we were at each
Speaker 5: other not knowing how to do this thing. We like
Speaker 5: to tell people that because people will get into a
Speaker 5: relationship and after six months like ah, I shouldn't be
Speaker 5: this hard.
Speaker 8: This supposed to be blissed, and it's like thirteen years
Speaker 8: it took for us to be like, wait a minute,
Speaker 8: I got to change my mindset if I want to
Speaker 8: be successful moving forward, and for Kadeen and I, we
Speaker 8: want people to understand that it's about choices, right.
Speaker 5: The first thing we say in the book is that
Speaker 5: you don't have to stay where you're not wanted or
Speaker 5: where you don't want to be, and it's okay to
Speaker 5: move forward. The biggest thing is we work because I
Speaker 5: make a choice to be here, and she makes a
Speaker 5: choice to be here. The obligation to be there because
Speaker 5: of a title or because of children will put you
Speaker 5: in a trap where you feel like your back's against
Speaker 5: the wall and creates more issues than anything else. The
Speaker 5: first step that I want to say to anybody is
Speaker 5: choose yourself. Make that choice to be like I want
Speaker 5: to be in this situation, whether it's monogamous, polygamists, like,
Speaker 5: there's so many different lifestyles, choose whicheveryone works for you
Speaker 5: for us, monogamy work for somebody else, it may not work.
Speaker 5: And it's okay to choose what you like. And once
Speaker 5: you make that choice, be ready to be a service
Speaker 5: to whoever you're in a relationship with. And that's really
Speaker 5: what we want people to understand. Make a choice to
Speaker 5: choose yourself, and if you want to be in a relationship,
Speaker 5: be of service to that person. Don't go to that
Speaker 5: relationship thinking this person better check all these boxes that
Speaker 5: I've created for this super imaginary person. And the first
Speaker 5: box they don't check, I'm out of here. How can
Speaker 5: you be a service to someone else in a relationship?
Speaker 5: That's what we really want, right.
Speaker 6: That's why the subtitle is the counter intuitive approach to
Speaker 6: getting everything you want out of your relationship, because, like
Speaker 6: dev I said, typically you think about getting into a
Speaker 6: relationship and things, think about what you can gain from
Speaker 6: a person, right, this person has to have all these
Speaker 6: things in order for us to be in a relationship.
Speaker 6: Where our approach, which we've learned over the years that
Speaker 6: makes more sense and leaves us feeling like things are reciprocated,
Speaker 6: is where we really tap into how we can be
Speaker 6: of service. So in the mornings, for example, I've learned to,
Speaker 6: you know, wake up, you know, think about my day,
Speaker 6: look over devout and be like, hey, you know, what
Speaker 6: can I do today to make your.
Speaker 1: Day that much brighter? How can I.
Speaker 6: Alleviate something off of your plate so that your stress
Speaker 6: level is a little bit reduced today? And just by
Speaker 6: doing that alone, I've realized that Wow, like fring something
Speaker 6: up for him in turn lets him know that I
Speaker 6: care A B makes you stay that much lighter, and
Speaker 6: then C He's probably more inclined to say, damn, Kay
Speaker 6: really thought about me this morning. What can I do
Speaker 6: to reciprocate that?
Speaker 4: Well?
Speaker 5: Can you tell him how we got there? Because it
Speaker 5: wasn't like.
Speaker 7: Loving.
Speaker 4: This is like Michelle Obama when she came out talking
Speaker 4: about ten years. I forget if it was the first
Speaker 4: ten years or there was a ten year period of
Speaker 4: her in Barock's marriage. It's so important and I wonder
Speaker 4: if this is like something to note to because I
Speaker 4: mean black love, you know, hashtag black love. There's now
Speaker 4: a series called black Love.
Speaker 1: And have you guys been on that?
Speaker 3: You should be on that you were on?
Speaker 4: There?
Speaker 5: We want season two?
Speaker 3: Oh amazing?
Speaker 4: Okay, I'm like duh, because y'all are like the Randall
Speaker 4: and Beth in real life from like real life Randal
Speaker 4: and Beth, But even they had their challenges, and I
Speaker 4: feel like it's important because yes, we need more imagery
Speaker 4: of black love and like beautiful reciprocated relationships and full
Speaker 4: and complete relationships. We just don't to your point about
Speaker 4: you know, Hollywood and entertainment. We don't really see that
Speaker 4: so often. At the same time, I don't know if
Speaker 4: we do ourselves at disservice if we don't also show
Speaker 4: the struggle and show the work you know, that goes
Speaker 4: into that. So it's really great that you guys are
Speaker 4: sharing that. I'll stop now because I'm I'm being poured
Speaker 4: into so you can continue.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm gonna yeah about how did you get what
Speaker 1: was that? Five years in? And then there was a
Speaker 1: switch like what happened?
Speaker 5: So there was a moment five years and this is
Speaker 5: twenty and sixteen. Twenty sixteen, Kadeen and I had already
Speaker 5: decided that we were going to you know, this year
Speaker 5: was going to be a year we're going to have
Speaker 5: another child, because we almost lost Kadeen having Jackson. She
Speaker 5: had a cervical tear get a cervical teer having Jackson.
Speaker 5: She was bleeding out. She had an emergency surgery. I
Speaker 5: had made a promise to God. I said, you know,
Speaker 5: if you get my wife through this, I would not
Speaker 5: have another child and I would cherish this woman and
Speaker 5: this child for the rest of my life. That was
Speaker 5: my promise to God. And I was just like, I
Speaker 5: just want my wife to be okay, and Kadeen made
Speaker 5: it through and I was like, I don't want any
Speaker 5: more kids. Five years later, Kadeen and I both decided like,
Speaker 5: you know what, if you feel comfortable, let's try to
Speaker 5: have another child. So in that moment that was twenty fifteen,
Speaker 5: actually we were trying to get pregnant and Kadeen wasn't
Speaker 5: getting pregnant. So we had both made it were like, hey, listen,
Speaker 5: we're getting older. We should be in the best shape
Speaker 5: of our life. You almost die having the first child.
Speaker 5: You have to be in better shape. We got to
Speaker 5: work out together, we got to eat better, we got
Speaker 5: to get more sleep. Like we had pretty much said
Speaker 5: to each other these promises that we were going to
Speaker 5: do to make sure this pregnancy was going to be better.
Speaker 5: And coming off of Christmas time, there was another financial issue.
Speaker 5: The American Express bill was run up. Me and Kadeen
Speaker 5: had an argument about the American Express. Build walk into
Speaker 5: the gym the next day. This is the right after
Speaker 5: the American Express argument, and she was like, she's going
Speaker 5: to go work out. I go to work, I'm training clients,
Speaker 5: I'm doing everything. At this point, KaDee wasn't working full
Speaker 5: time because I had took on all that loads so
Speaker 5: that she can relax. I'm getting ready to leave the gym.
Speaker 5: She still hadn't worked out. I snapped. Now we've talked
Speaker 5: about snapping. I snapped. You know what the problem is,
Speaker 5: You procrastinate too much. Every time I'm trying to get
Speaker 5: something done, it's always like I gotta wait for you
Speaker 5: and wait for you and wait for you. I'm tired
Speaker 5: of waiting for you. You run up the American Express bill.
Speaker 5: You're not working anymore. It's like you just it was
Speaker 5: just everything was just unloading, unloading, unloading. So now, if
Speaker 5: you know my wife, my wife is a very passionate
Speaker 5: Jamaican in vincention woman from Brooklyn, and she's coming back
Speaker 5: at me. We're going back and forth, and this is
Speaker 5: how bad I talk to. You were screaming at each
Speaker 5: other in the gym, in my office, screaming and cursing,
Speaker 5: screaming and cursing. And I said her, you know what,
Speaker 5: I think we need to get a divorce. And she's like,
Speaker 5: are you serious? I'bod yes, because you're fing lazy, right,
Speaker 5: this is I screaming my wife. She goes, I'm not
Speaker 5: fing lazy deval, I'm efing pregnant, and I go.
Speaker 3: Damn, you had a Trump card in your back part.
Speaker 5: Trash, Why don't you? I said, why didn't you believe
Speaker 5: with at? Like?
Speaker 3: Why does it have more satisfying that way?
Speaker 6: Clearly tell because we were trying for this baby part
Speaker 6: like what are we going to do to make it
Speaker 6: that much more special? And then I just couldn't hold it.
Speaker 5: In that moment, I was like And in that moment
Speaker 5: when I had agg on my face, I realized that,
Speaker 5: you know, I claimed to be a provider and a
Speaker 5: protector because I made enough money to make sure my
Speaker 5: wife could be at home. If anybody got my wife face,
Speaker 5: I'm willing to do whatever. That's what I thought my
Speaker 5: version of providing and protecting. In that moment, I realized
Speaker 5: I wasn't providing and protecting anything. I wasn't there emotionally,
Speaker 5: I wasn't there spiritually. How did I not realize that
Speaker 5: my wife was going through a physiological change that she
Speaker 5: couldn't work out because she was having morning sickness? And
Speaker 5: I said to myself, how am I going to be
Speaker 5: there to advocate for my wife in the in the
Speaker 5: in the opportunity that something happens to her again during
Speaker 5: her pregnancy if I'm not paying attention. So I said
Speaker 5: to her in that moment, I said, Kadeen, from this
Speaker 5: point on, while you're pregnant, whatever you say, I got you.
Speaker 5: The answer is going to be yes. I'm going to
Speaker 5: be in service to make sure we get through this.
Speaker 5: Because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I
Speaker 5: have to be aware of what my wife is going
Speaker 5: through in her tired body. I almost lost her once
Speaker 5: and here I am only focused on what I think
Speaker 5: I need to do as a man, that I'm not
Speaker 5: paying attention to the person that's most important to me.
Speaker 5: And then through that pregnancy, our relationship change because I
Speaker 5: was so focused on being of service, being on service,
Speaker 5: being of service that Kadean started to reciprocate in a
Speaker 5: way that had never happened in our relationship. And then
Speaker 5: the light bulb paid me, boom, why didn't I do
Speaker 5: this one? She's not pregnant, you let me do this,
Speaker 5: Let me do this. But then there was another shift,
Speaker 5: and this is important. Kadeen had got so used to
Speaker 5: me being in service because she had got pregnant and
Speaker 5: then got pregnant again. It was always about Kadeen, about Kadem,
Speaker 5: about Kadema and Ifou always saying to Kadeen, I'm fine,
Speaker 5: I got it, and I wasn't okay. And during the
Speaker 5: pandemic December twenty twenty, we're getting ready to go into
Speaker 5: twenty twenty one. I looked at Kadeen and I said,
Speaker 5: you know, it's been four years since we've had Cairo,
Speaker 5: and when you wake up in the morning, what's your
Speaker 5: first thing you think about. We have three kids now.
Speaker 5: She said, well, I gotta make sure the kids get ready.
Speaker 5: I gotta make sure I work out. I got to
Speaker 5: make sure I do this. I got to make sure
Speaker 5: there's a tv ou Da da da da da. I said,
Speaker 5: do you realize that you mentioned everybody except me? And
Speaker 5: for the first time, I was honest with her about
Speaker 5: how that made me feel. I didn't just sit back
Speaker 5: on it and get resentful. I didn't do what men
Speaker 5: typically do, which is I'll eat it. I'll deal with
Speaker 5: it on my own. I'm not going to say nothing.
Speaker 5: She better figure it out. I didn't do that. I
Speaker 5: told her exactly how it made me feel, and I
Speaker 5: told her what I wanted and what I needed, and
Speaker 5: I watched to go, wow, I'm so sorry, Like, I
Speaker 5: didn't realize that I always put you on the back
Speaker 5: burner because you always say you're okay. Yeah, And I
Speaker 5: realized when I told her, like, how could I expect
Speaker 5: her to know that if I always say I'm fine,
Speaker 5: I'm good when I'm not. And in that moment, our
Speaker 5: relationship changed again. It went from me servicing her to
Speaker 5: us always serving each other. And I got to be honest.
Speaker 5: There was a meme that I saw yesterday and it
Speaker 5: was a woman who said, when's the last time? It
Speaker 5: was like a bunch of this, when's the last time
Speaker 5: you said to your man, I'm proud of you, baby,
Speaker 5: I love you, baby, thank you baby? Are you hungry? Baby?
Speaker 5: And I looked at all these things and I say,
Speaker 5: you know, my wife says those things to me a lot,
Speaker 5: but it wasn't happening until I told her how it
Speaker 5: made me feel. And then she realized what I need
Speaker 5: because I told her what I need. And I think
Speaker 5: that's when our relationship changed.
Speaker 6: Yeah, for sure, because I just expected him to understand.
Speaker 6: You know, I'm like, I'm an adult, you're an adult.
Speaker 6: We have two point five three kids at this time
Speaker 6: you know, we're not the one.
Speaker 5: On the plane.
Speaker 6: So I'm just just like, yo, we're all we're in
Speaker 6: the mud, like you know, you and I and I
Speaker 6: just expected to vow to just be okay because he
Speaker 6: always said he was okay. And now I'm literally looking
Speaker 6: this man in his eyes, especially after his episode in November,
Speaker 6: I'm like, again, you're saying you're okay, and you're not okay.
Speaker 6: So we've practiced that a lot more now, and I
Speaker 6: can see how this has been a big shift in
Speaker 6: our dynamic and our relationship, even as recently as like
Speaker 6: the past three four months, you know, because I had Dakota,
Speaker 6: our last son, the year before that. So back into
Speaker 6: the pick of being pregnancy.
Speaker 4: So hard when you are, yeah, this has been a
Speaker 4: really tough pregnancy for me, and I'm so sorry that
Speaker 4: what you went through with your pregnancy, and also you're
Speaker 4: a badass for doing it three more times after that.
Speaker 4: Women are phenomenal, But it is, you know, a lot
Speaker 4: of the attention is on us and our feelings, and
Speaker 4: my attention is on me and my business and my son,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean. And it's almost like it's
Speaker 4: it becomes at least challenging to have another to to
Speaker 4: and especially when you have a partner who is quite
Speaker 4: independent and has their own thing going on, you sometimes
Speaker 4: can feel like, wait, we're parallel, Like we're in that
Speaker 4: you said, the ud, we're in the mud together, but
Speaker 4: like this is your mud lane and this is my
Speaker 4: mud lane, and it's.
Speaker 3: Like did you survive today? Yeah, did you survive?
Speaker 4: Yeah? Good night, and like the team huddle, like that
Speaker 4: connection the bridge and the mud. That's what we are
Speaker 4: working on, I think, because I mean not that it's bad,
Speaker 4: but it's just like what we need right now, I
Speaker 4: feel like, is just to do what we can to
Speaker 4: just own what we have going on. And I think, yeah,
Speaker 4: I'm hoping that we could have a similar moment like that,
Speaker 4: because to it matters, you know, it matters to have
Speaker 4: that time and to look into another person's eyes, even
Speaker 4: if they are strong and we are the strongest of
Speaker 4: the strong, right.
Speaker 3: And remind them that they got them.
Speaker 5: Are pregnant, right, Kadeen was just pregnant. Kadeen was pregnant
Speaker 5: last year. Kadean didn't want to be nowhere near me
Speaker 5: or anybody in this house. Like women understand what women
Speaker 5: have to understand that like your body goes through physiological
Speaker 5: changes and you're not going to feel like yourself. And
Speaker 5: I wish there were more more educational resources for both
Speaker 5: men and women how to deal with pregnancy right because
Speaker 5: I and this is this is Kadeen and I who
Speaker 5: just wrote a book New York Times bestseller. They must
Speaker 5: communicate great. While she was pregnant, I used to be like, yo,
Speaker 5: I have not You haven't hugged me or kissed me
Speaker 5: in three days. Do you realize you've been in that
Speaker 5: bedroom by yourself? And She's just like, I know, I
Speaker 5: just I just don't feel like being around people. But
Speaker 5: I miss you and I'm just like I did it
Speaker 5: they and I understand where you're coming from, and I'm
Speaker 5: just letting you know how it's making me feel. But
Speaker 5: that was twenty years in the making getting to that point.
Speaker 5: When she had those moments before, of course I felt bad,
Speaker 5: but I didn't know what to say. I didn't know
Speaker 5: how to articulate it. So give yourself grace and give
Speaker 5: your husband grace and not knowing and understanding it's only
Speaker 5: been ten years. And I know to people it's south crazy.
Speaker 5: It's only been ten years. It should know each other
Speaker 5: by ten years. No, like we take time to constantly
Speaker 5: you know, readjust yourself to see what your partner is
Speaker 5: going through. It takes time, and there's never a point
Speaker 5: in a marriage because I can tell you right now,
Speaker 5: as great as we think our marriage is now, five
Speaker 5: years from now, when it gets even better, we're going
Speaker 5: to talk about this time and say, can you believe
Speaker 5: that's how we communicate it then? Like it's just that
Speaker 5: it's an ongoing conversation of trying to be better for
Speaker 5: each other. So give yourself grace and understand this. Whenever
Speaker 5: we do a live show, I talk about pregnancy for
Speaker 5: women and postpartum pregnancy because this is the truth. The
Speaker 5: most disciplined human beings in the world, and all of
Speaker 5: the armed forces, the Navy, seals, the Army rangers, the
Speaker 5: Marine Corps, you know what, they train the hardest to
Speaker 5: deal with sleep deprivation. Can you imagine that those discipline
Speaker 5: people in the world have to train to deal with
Speaker 5: sleep deprivation. But we expect mothers and expecting mothers to
Speaker 5: know how to deal with this in real time with
Speaker 5: no training and balance being a new mom and a
Speaker 5: wife or a girlfriend and a career and a house.
Speaker 5: It's damn there impossible. So you have to give yourself grace.
Speaker 5: And I think more men should be educated on giving
Speaker 5: women grace because I was the same imbecile that told
Speaker 5: my wife six months, six weeks after having our first child,
Speaker 5: you acting like you the first baby, first woman to
Speaker 5: have a baby, for breastfeeding, breastfeed threat, the three babies,
Speaker 5: still a lot of time. This is this is why
Speaker 5: we tell you.
Speaker 3: You're still just a real man inside. Okay, got it,
Speaker 3: got a regular degular man.
Speaker 5: I'm a regular degular man who doesn't know and understand. Like,
Speaker 5: that's why I like telling the stories because it took
Speaker 5: me four pregnancies to be like you.
Speaker 4: I wish I was a And it's probably because mothers
Speaker 4: do the same thing. It's like we're super people. We
Speaker 4: don't want to admit that we're hurting. We don't tell
Speaker 4: that story. It's become really hard for him. It's hard
Speaker 4: when and it's also hard to see your partner who
Speaker 4: you know, we met when I was twenty five, he
Speaker 4: was in his mid twenties two change, and I'm not
Speaker 4: physically the person I was even a year ago.
Speaker 3: I can't keep up when we're walking.
Speaker 4: I'm like, you know, and I, you know, running around
Speaker 4: after a toddler and all that, but it's it's I
Speaker 4: can see him being like, Okay, she's different now and
Speaker 4: almost a little bit like fearful or anxious, like is
Speaker 4: this going to be forever?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 3: And I feel like yeah, but that really resonates with me,
Speaker 3: and I hope he gets there too.
Speaker 1: And to practice was what we call radical transparency, that if.
Speaker 2: It comes up, it comes out yep ya no, because
Speaker 2: I just I was I was a terrible communicator and
Speaker 2: like he just was always like he was really good
Speaker 2: at saying how he felt, but he was also some
Speaker 2: of the hoods.
Speaker 1: So sometimes I'm like, not with that tone, sir girl,
Speaker 1: this is not this is not three B in the projects, like.
Speaker 4: What you know.
Speaker 6: I'm like, oh my god, like that transparency.
Speaker 1: Yes, So it was like if it comes up, it
Speaker 1: comes out, yes, just rest.
Speaker 2: But I learned, I mean, I'm so much better at
Speaker 2: it now that if something is wrong because I was
Speaker 2: the queen of holding it and then three months later,
Speaker 2: because that time's like from three months ago, why did
Speaker 2: you say something?
Speaker 1: And then you build it.
Speaker 2: It's like you're dragging it around, is gathering dust and dirt,
Speaker 2: and debris and then you throw it in their face
Speaker 2: and you're like you should have known.
Speaker 1: It's like, how could I have known that?
Speaker 7: You know?
Speaker 1: How could I have known that? And so now with everyone,
Speaker 1: therapy has helped tremendously.
Speaker 2: I practiced radical transparency, which is if it comes up,
Speaker 2: you know, I would say ninety percent of the time,
Speaker 2: it comes out, because if that's the lightest time you'll
Speaker 2: ever have, like hey babe, you know when.
Speaker 1: You said that thing that actually hurt my feelings?
Speaker 2: Yep, you know, like or you know, I don't like
Speaker 2: when you say that when my friends are around, you know,
Speaker 2: And learning to like receive it without the initial because
Speaker 2: I'm very defensive.
Speaker 1: I have four sisters, so you know, we can scrap.
Speaker 1: I'm like, first of all, well we can't, you know.
Speaker 2: So I learned to be like receive it because what
Speaker 2: I'm really feeling is not it's not really anger, it's
Speaker 2: shame because I know I'm wrong.
Speaker 1: Instead of fighting toward that, it's like, okay, I could
Speaker 1: see that, Okay, and I.
Speaker 4: Get I get the I call it the post socialization debrief.
Speaker 4: I'm the chatty one in the relationship, so I I
Speaker 4: he can he gets the way with a lot because
Speaker 4: he doesn't say that much, so I can get myself
Speaker 4: in trouble. And then after we hang out with other people,
Speaker 4: all get in the car and you get in the
Speaker 4: car and you have that moment and I'm just like,
Speaker 4: what did.
Speaker 3: I say that? You know that hurt her feelings.
Speaker 1: To tell me?
Speaker 4: And he's like, good, I was so defensive, yes, but
Speaker 4: now I've just gotten better saying I really didn't mean to.
Speaker 3: And it's just I'm like, damn it, why can't Why
Speaker 3: do I do this?
Speaker 4: You know? But you know, I don't want to be
Speaker 4: that way, but it's yeah, but it's definitely helps to
Speaker 4: get over things. And I will say that's growth for
Speaker 4: us too, that he's even communicating that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2: And creating a safe space that people can tell you
Speaker 2: about yourself, you know, and even maybe in the moment,
Speaker 2: like me and Gerol after a walk came up with
Speaker 2: like signals if I was doing too much, you know,
Speaker 2: it would just be like.
Speaker 3: Like, oh my business, thank you.
Speaker 1: It's like and wrapping it up.
Speaker 2: So you know that way because sometimes you know, you
Speaker 2: don't realize and I'm like, oh, okay, you know, and
Speaker 2: so like creating these kind of like tools. We had
Speaker 2: like a safe word when we were if we were
Speaker 2: going to be in an argument when it went from
Speaker 2: helpful to hurtful, because you know you've got like ooh, child,
Speaker 2: let me gear up. And so our safe word was pineapples.
Speaker 2: So it'd be like and another thing. He'd be like pineapples.
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm sorry, what the rule of pineapples is?
Speaker 2: Like all speaking ceases. You go to your corner, I
Speaker 2: go to mind, you go to the man cave, I
Speaker 2: go see it wherever. And it's like, you said, what
Speaker 2: now pine naples, which I'd like, yes, yes, but it
Speaker 2: gave me a moment to relax and usan say, you
Speaker 2: were about to say something really hurtful tivity to your teammate.
Speaker 1: Y'all got the same jersey on. If he lose, I lose.
Speaker 2: And so pineapples was like a saving grace to the
Speaker 2: point where we got so good at it we were
Speaker 2: internally pineapples ourselves, because I'd be like in my head,
Speaker 2: I'd be like, tifany pineapples to myself, pineapples, girl, you
Speaker 2: about to take it too far. And so but these
Speaker 2: are the things like like over time, you know that
Speaker 2: like you just practice and you work on if you're
Speaker 2: wanting to go from like an okay marriage to good,
Speaker 2: yess great, exceptional you know every year, I mean to
Speaker 2: your point, Like the first five years for us, it
Speaker 2: was like dating.
Speaker 1: It was a hot mess.
Speaker 2: And then we got better and better, and once we
Speaker 2: got really good at communicating, it was like we had
Speaker 2: like such an awesome and even still he was still here,
Speaker 2: we were still growing.
Speaker 1: I was still like, oh this, I could do this
Speaker 1: even better because I worked so much. He is really
Speaker 1: the type to be like when I come home, I
Speaker 1: would love for my wife to be home and be like.
Speaker 2: Daddy's home, you know, just to pause for a moment,
Speaker 2: cause I'd be like, uh, okay, foods and the friends.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I didn't realize how much it meant.
Speaker 2: For him for me to pause, yeah and just come
Speaker 2: and greet him and how is your day? Twenty thirty
Speaker 2: minutes and I could get back to whatever. And so like,
Speaker 2: learning those little nuances made all this. It's like there
Speaker 2: was nothing he wouldn't do because I made.
Speaker 1: Those you know, those those spaces for.
Speaker 5: Him and so and the thing is, it sounds it
Speaker 5: sounds clichetive, but it's true, right, Like one thing I
Speaker 5: we talk about in the book is you have to
Speaker 5: stop comparing yourself to other people's relationships, because the minute
Speaker 5: you try to tell and make your relationship to other
Speaker 5: people's expectations, you're gonna fail. Like you can't be the
Speaker 5: greatest version of somebody else, They're already being the greatest
Speaker 5: version of themselves. And what works for you may not
Speaker 5: work for other people. So seeking validation from other people
Speaker 5: about what you should do and your relationship is also
Speaker 5: a recipe for failure. For example, Kadeen and I have
Speaker 5: been on social media and on television talking about our life.
Speaker 5: Right of course, people have commentary I would never put
Speaker 5: up with that, I would never do this. I would
Speaker 5: never do that. Most people get defensive and be like,
Speaker 5: I'm just sharing, how could you have these opinions about
Speaker 5: my marriage. I don't get offended about opinions about our
Speaker 5: marriage because people are entitled to have their opinions about
Speaker 5: what we do. But if it works for us, I'm
Speaker 5: not concerned about Taylor making my marriage to other people's opinions.
Speaker 5: For example, Tiffany just said she wants her husband wanted
Speaker 5: her to be like, hey, Daddy's home. You know how
Speaker 5: many women would have been like, I ain't never calling
Speaker 5: a man daddy. No no, no, no, no no no,
Speaker 5: you don't have to. That's not your husband. I want
Speaker 5: to call my husband daddy. That's what it is. It's
Speaker 5: the same thing for me. I talk about traveling. Kay
Speaker 5: wants to travel. We talked about our sex life. She
Speaker 5: loves to travel. We have better sex with we travel.
Speaker 5: You know how many guys like I ain't buying no
Speaker 5: plane ticket just to have sex with a woman who
Speaker 5: wants to be with her. You know exactly. You don't
Speaker 5: have to. I'm not asking you to do that for
Speaker 5: your girl. I'm telling you what works for me. But
Speaker 5: for us, it's like, we do what works for us.
Speaker 5: We're unapologetic about it. I got some backglass because I said, listen,
Speaker 5: when I come home tonight, I want my wife to
Speaker 5: some poom poom shorts and a crop top, and I
Speaker 5: want my food made so that I can be the
Speaker 5: best parader I can be. Of course, women will be
Speaker 5: like this ain't the fifties, Da da da da. I'm
Speaker 5: not telling you that you have to do that for
Speaker 5: your man. What I'm saying is this is what we
Speaker 5: work for us. She enjoys dressing up. I enjoy looking
Speaker 5: at it, I enjoying her. All the stuff y'all saying
Speaker 5: y'all would never do is not going to change the
Speaker 5: fact that we do this for each other. So when
Speaker 5: we talk about that in the book, it's like, stop
Speaker 5: the whole couple's goals. People ask me all the time,
Speaker 5: who is your favorite couple goal of lineals? I don't
Speaker 5: have one. I want to be the best version of
Speaker 5: the Violenkadeen. I could be like I don't look at
Speaker 5: anybody in this generation or even before and say I
Speaker 5: aspire because I don't want to fall short. Like there
Speaker 5: as certain things, for example, Barack may do for Michelle,
Speaker 5: and I know this. For example, I know this for
Speaker 5: a fact. When we first got married, I used to
Speaker 5: look at couples and be like, then he do that
Speaker 5: for his wife and she gets excited about it, So
Speaker 5: I'm gonna do it for my wife. And I would
Speaker 5: do it and can even just be looking at me.
Speaker 5: I'd be like, you know what your problem is? You
Speaker 5: weren't grateful wife, and they was excited, and she was
Speaker 5: just like, I didn't ask you to do none of this,
Speaker 5: and I was just like, what do you mean to
Speaker 5: ask I was being thoughtful when I did it, and
Speaker 5: then I realized, like, why am I? Why am I
Speaker 5: going outward to find out what my wife wants? And
Speaker 5: why am I getting offended because my wife doesn't want
Speaker 5: what another woman wants? Why do I just ask my
Speaker 5: wife what she wants and do my best to provide it.
Speaker 5: The more I started to look inward and right here
Speaker 5: and be like, baby, what you need, what you need,
Speaker 5: what you want, the easier it became as opposed to
Speaker 5: guessing by looking at other people. So I just want
Speaker 5: people when they read the book and when they think
Speaker 5: about relationship, stop thinking about everybody else. Focus here, Just
Speaker 5: focus here on what you got and do your best
Speaker 5: to be that version for that person, because that's the
Speaker 5: person you chose.
Speaker 4: Well.
Speaker 2: On that note, we really want to thank Caden and
Speaker 2: daval Ellis for coming on the show. If you do
Speaker 2: not have it already, we over me the counter intuitive
Speaker 2: approach to getting everything you want from your relationship.
Speaker 1: It is a New York Times bestseller, which is rare, rare.
Speaker 2: Don't know what to do, especially black people to comment,
Speaker 2: look at this, I wouldn't say, I would say more peanut.
Speaker 1: Butter can.
Speaker 6: That means I have to get traveled soon.
Speaker 2: So where can they if they want to purchase this book?
Speaker 2: Where can they purchase it? And then where can they
Speaker 2: find y'all to continue the conversation for sure?
Speaker 6: Well, the best place to get the book we realized
Speaker 6: so far has been bookshop dot org because is a
Speaker 6: great way to support a local bookstore independent stores in
Speaker 6: your areas. So bookshop dot org, Amazon, of course, Barnes
Speaker 6: and Nobles. Wherever you get your books, you can find me.
Speaker 6: I'm Kadeen. I am on Instagram and I just started
Speaker 6: tiktoking my big age y'all, so be with me trying
Speaker 6: to figure it out. And then our podcast page dead.
Speaker 6: Ask the podcast on Instagram.
Speaker 5: Listen, I am devout and I'm used to doing this
Speaker 5: for the podcast. If you're listening with Apple.
Speaker 6: Music Channel too. Now you can subscribe to Patreon for
Speaker 6: more long content from us. So okay, dope conversation, dope
Speaker 6: conversation all day, always good time.
Speaker 5: If we miss you, yo, Mat.
Speaker 7: You used to be on the show all the time,
Speaker 7: that lady again. You know you've always been one of
Speaker 7: our highest rated your shows.
Speaker 5: Every every time you're on, people be like I got
Speaker 5: because you always drop so many gems and like people,
Speaker 5: especially black and brown people, need to understand how important
Speaker 5: financial security is and how they can gain access to it.
Speaker 5: Like people just think I got to be an athlete
Speaker 5: and entertainer to make money and build wealth. Know you
Speaker 5: don't know, you don't Typically has dropped so many gems
Speaker 5: on us that we've applied to our life and been like,
Speaker 5: oh shit, you see that work, and I'm telling you
Speaker 5: typically what you do is amazing. We appreciate you, Mandy.
Speaker 5: It's good to get to know you. I'm pretty sure
Speaker 5: we can build our relationship and congratulations to you. I
Speaker 5: can tell your part that you're an amazing woman and
Speaker 5: you want to be an even more amazing woman for
Speaker 5: your family and especially your husband, So keep working at
Speaker 5: it and hopefully he's doing the same on his end.
Speaker 4: Listen, these hormones will make me start crying, so let
Speaker 4: me say I can feel that, I can feel the prickles.
Speaker 4: Thank y'all so much.
Speaker 1: We hope that you love the show. Be a listeners.
Speaker 1: You know we'd be having that beast people on here,
Speaker 1: so go ahead and support we over me.
Speaker 2: You know, if I condemed to fall on social listen
Speaker 2: to the podcast dead Ass and we're gonna see you
Speaker 2: next week.
Speaker 3: Hi baham, Hey, hey ba fan, We're on YouTube.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for watching. Please like this video
Speaker 1: and subscribe to the channel.
Speaker 4: And while you're at it, why don't you go over
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Speaker 4: Also share the channel with a friend. We're always like
Speaker 4: telephone to tele a friend, tele a friend. And thank
Speaker 4: y'all so much again for all the support.
Speaker 3: Hey ba fam, we could not do this show without
Speaker 3: your support or the support of our team behind the scenes.
Speaker 3: The Brown Emission podcast is produced by Cumulus Podcast Network.
Speaker 3: It's edited by the wonderful Emani Crosby and produced by
Speaker 3: Tanya Bustos. Dennis Stimplinsky is our in house tech guru,
Speaker 3: and I am Bandy Woodrid Santos your co host, and
Speaker 3: I will see y'all next week.