WEBVTT - Episode 300: Killing Mr. Perfect (DeVon Franklin) 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.440 What Epics Lift Service, and you know we're starting every 0:00:02.440 --> 0:00:05.720 episode with a woman on top courtesy a Delhian. And 0:00:05.760 --> 0:00:08.840 today we are giving a toast to Kimberly Godwin. She's 0:00:08.840 --> 0:00:12.000 a veteran of local and national TV news operations, and 0:00:12.039 --> 0:00:14.400 he is the next president of ABC News and the 0:00:14.440 --> 0:00:22.640 first black executive to run a broadcast network news operation. Right, yes, yeah, now. 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:25.200 Kimberly god When actually is a graduate of Florida A 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:28.320 and M University, the School of Journalism and Graphic Communication, 0:00:28.680 --> 0:00:31.880 and she's also a veteran award winning broadcast news executive. 0:00:32.320 --> 0:00:36.440 She'll be overseeing Good Morning America, World News, tonight, Nightline 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:42.080 eight of You and this week, which is huge, So congratulations. 0:00:42.080 --> 0:00:45.600 She is joining ABC News in May. At CBS. Prior 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:48.880 to this, she supervised four hundred domestic and foreign affiliates, 0:00:49.120 --> 0:00:51.960 the units, national News Deck and its bureaus and standards 0:00:51.960 --> 0:00:56.080 and ethics, among other duties. So congratulations to Kimberly god When. 0:00:56.120 --> 0:00:58.680 She is our woman on top of seek Women's Old Top. 0:00:58.840 --> 0:01:03.520 And yeah, Gloria, we are drinking and Friday, I got 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:09.600 that rapper on it and everything. I felt bad drinking 0:01:09.600 --> 0:01:11.160 in front of you like this, but I'm gonna have 0:01:11.240 --> 0:01:15.040 to do it you. It's all loved. But Divine Franklin 0:01:15.120 --> 0:01:17.240 is here and he has no expectations for you, guys, 0:01:17.319 --> 0:01:24.160 Just damn quite that he loves us to stop it 0:01:25.480 --> 0:01:27.080 and he loves you guys. It's just but he has 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:31.440 no expectations. I just want to have. So let's talk 0:01:31.480 --> 0:01:33.720 about this because Divine you have a new book that's 0:01:33.720 --> 0:01:35.800 coming out made for it, So can you tell us 0:01:35.800 --> 0:01:38.560 a little bit about it. Yeah, it's called Live Free 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:42.319 Exceeds Your Highest Expectations, And it's all about how to 0:01:42.319 --> 0:01:47.319 set expectations. You know, in my experience, so often everyone 0:01:47.440 --> 0:01:51.080 is living by the expectations of others, their friends, their family, 0:01:51.200 --> 0:01:55.160 their upbringing, their partners, but not really living by their 0:01:55.200 --> 0:01:58.000 own expectations. And so as a result, they're not living free. 0:01:58.440 --> 0:02:00.800 When you and I don't live free, we under the 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:05.919 control mostally specially monicely, by someone else or something else. 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:09.679 And so this is all about the our learning to 0:02:09.760 --> 0:02:14.000 set expectations for yourself. You I can life created to 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:17.800 live and that's what the book's about. It's all about expectations. 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:21.400 Are you by are they You're choosing in the area 0:02:21.440 --> 0:02:28.600 of personal expectations, cultural expectations, relationship expectations, and professional expectations. 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:30.640 And this book gives you the tips and tools on 0:02:30.680 --> 0:02:33.720 how to set expectations in every area of your life. Navin, 0:02:33.840 --> 0:02:35.640 thank you for writing this book for me because I 0:02:35.680 --> 0:02:40.560 definitely need it. Okay, you heard it comes out me 0:02:40.720 --> 0:02:42.640 for I think you had me and mind while you 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:45.800 was writing this book, because I definitely can use this 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:50.520 type of motivation and push to um realign myself into 0:02:51.120 --> 0:02:52.760 where I need to be. You know, we got a 0:02:52.800 --> 0:02:55.080 little preview of it, right because they did send us 0:02:55.080 --> 0:02:58.440 something right before we actually are recording this. And one 0:02:58.520 --> 0:03:00.720 thing that I want to bring up is, you know 0:03:00.760 --> 0:03:03.280 how people always say, okay, it's not you as me 0:03:04.120 --> 0:03:06.639 in relationships when there when it's time to break up. 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:09.360 But according to you, if you have a problem with 0:03:09.400 --> 0:03:11.960 your spouse, the problem isn't your spouse, The problem is you. 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:15.560 So can you explain that? Yeah, because so so often 0:03:15.680 --> 0:03:18.880 my experience, this is the easiest thing to do. I'm 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:21.400 in a relationship, I'm having a problem, and I do 0:03:21.520 --> 0:03:25.040 this a point the finger. That's easy, so easy, and 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:27.600 most of the times in my experience, it's not this, 0:03:27.680 --> 0:03:31.120 it's this, It's like, okay, is how I'm looking at it. 0:03:31.200 --> 0:03:33.359 Is this here? Because if this, if this is coming 0:03:33.400 --> 0:03:35.000 up of my relationship, is their work that I need 0:03:35.040 --> 0:03:37.320 to do on myself that I hadn't done in the past. 0:03:37.760 --> 0:03:39.840 I was in the past, I got the note I 0:03:39.880 --> 0:03:41.560 needed to work, I didn't want to do it. I 0:03:41.600 --> 0:03:43.200 broke up with that person, and now I'm in a 0:03:43.200 --> 0:03:46.120 situation when the new person work comes up again. Right? 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:48.720 So am I just gonna keep pointing the thing or say, okay, wait, 0:03:48.760 --> 0:03:50.960 maybe it's me. Maybe I got to do the work 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:53.160 on me. But I gotta look at my perspective. Maybe 0:03:53.240 --> 0:03:56.840 I am actually contributing to the situation I really don't like, 0:03:57.440 --> 0:03:59.280 and maybe I got to communicate more. Maybe I have 0:03:59.320 --> 0:04:02.560 to set my expectations clearer. Uh so, yeah, I don't 0:04:02.600 --> 0:04:05.280 believe that it's them, it's actually us when there are 0:04:05.280 --> 0:04:08.480 relationship problems, because so many of the problems in my 0:04:08.560 --> 0:04:11.520 experience we can resolve. Now, it doesn't mean that that 0:04:11.600 --> 0:04:15.680 person or that situation. Maybe it's incompatible. But before jumping 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:18.200 to that place and say, oh, you know what, this 0:04:18.240 --> 0:04:19.960 person will treat me this way, well, do you treat 0:04:20.000 --> 0:04:22.719 yourself that way? You know this person doesn't do what 0:04:22.760 --> 0:04:24.880 I want? Well, have you ever asked them? Have you 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:28.560 ever here's what I expect? Can you meet the expectation? 0:04:29.120 --> 0:04:31.479 So often we, especially in a relationship, we act like 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:33.440 just because the person loves us that they know. It's 0:04:33.480 --> 0:04:35.960 not true. They don't know. Just because they love you 0:04:36.040 --> 0:04:38.239 doesn't mean they can read our minds. So I wrote 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:40.920 that in the book to give the reader really a 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:43.480 clear view to say, wait, maybe I gotta look in 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:47.480 the mirror. How to think about me and what problem 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:51.680 I'm actually contributing to instead of just being so easy 0:04:51.720 --> 0:04:55.640 to point the finger, and here's the reality. We point 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:59.240 and we get out of something. What we take, who 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:02.920 we are, where we go, and whatever work we didn't do, 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:05.400 it's gonna be there whenever we get to the news 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.359 that it's always so why not do the hard work 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:11.240 of getting the work done in the situation? Even if 0:05:11.240 --> 0:05:13.240 you I'm not talking about anything abusive, but if you're 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:16.320 a situation you don't like, the relationship isn't great, I 0:05:16.360 --> 0:05:19.520 would challenge you to do the work that you need 0:05:19.600 --> 0:05:22.880 to do on yourself, get that work done, and then 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:24.960 you move on from a place A piece Why this 0:05:25.000 --> 0:05:28.719 relation was a great teacher I would have never dump 0:05:28.760 --> 0:05:32.880 deep into my trauma if I wasn't forced with particular individuals. 0:05:32.920 --> 0:05:35.400 So instead of leaving an anger and frustration, I leave 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:38.680 in a blessing. Thank you. Doesn't mean we're compatible, but 0:05:38.760 --> 0:05:40.800 I'm so glad that we had this moment because I 0:05:40.839 --> 0:05:43.320 would have never figured out who I was. Well, what 0:05:43.400 --> 0:05:46.560 if the issue is that, like you keep picking the 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:50.440 same type of person and in a sense where it's 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.560 like not working for you, because maybe maybe it's not 0:05:53.640 --> 0:05:55.640 really you, you know what I mean as far as 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:58.680 when it comes to having to effects inner issues, but 0:05:59.000 --> 0:06:00.800 maybe you just fell like, all right, let me give 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:03.560 this person a chance. Now that's still like do you 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:06.120 feel like that's still like an inner issue within someone 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:09.320 where they keep picking somebody that may needs to be 0:06:09.360 --> 0:06:12.040 like helped a little bit along the way. I just 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:14.839 found this out, which was kind of shocking to me 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:17.760 in that, you know, I'm the middle child of three boys, 0:06:18.200 --> 0:06:21.160 and my father was an alcoholic and he ended up 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:23.760 passing away when I was nine years old, when he 0:06:23.800 --> 0:06:27.800 was thirty six, And I recently found out that a 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:32.159 lot of children of alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics, one 0:06:32.160 --> 0:06:36.200 of the defining traits is finding people that you can 0:06:36.240 --> 0:06:41.240 save because you couldn't save your your your your your parents. 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:44.280 You you took that in and now you find now 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:49.320 you find projects people that save right. So so in 0:06:49.360 --> 0:06:52.719 the question, it makes me think of that because so often, 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:57.040 if there's that pattern that's repeating itself, it maybe because 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.640 you got to go back and look at your upbringing, 0:06:59.720 --> 0:07:02.560 look at what was the trauma that you may have experienced, 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:05.880 and how come you're seeing these patterns. Maybe there's some 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:09.200 unresolved issues or maybe there's a revelation about your upbringing 0:07:09.200 --> 0:07:11.840 that you got to come into alignment and agreement with 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:14.560 that then will help you break the cycle, you know. 0:07:14.800 --> 0:07:17.960 And then also look at what if I'm finding the 0:07:18.000 --> 0:07:22.600 same person and that person is someone exactly want, then 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:25.440 I have asked the questions and I who I want be? Am? 0:07:25.560 --> 0:07:28.280 I am I actually who I want to be? Because 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:32.320 maybe I'm attracting those that are being attracted to my presentation. 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:35.880 But I was gonna say, that's interesting because we're always 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.240 told to have expectations, right, aren't we always told to 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:41.800 be like, Okay, you gotta make sure that people are 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:44.360 at a certain level. You gotta have these expectations and 0:07:44.360 --> 0:07:46.800 people should live up to that. And we also have 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:48.840 a lot of expectations placed on us. And I know 0:07:48.920 --> 0:07:52.000 you discussed that in the book, because it just feels 0:07:52.040 --> 0:07:54.720 like people will always tell you, Okay, well you know 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:57.720 you gotta stop settling. Well, well, you know it's it's 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:01.560 it's settled by whose definition? You know. Too often, especially 0:08:01.560 --> 0:08:04.280 when the competing everybody got an opinion, got something they 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:07.160 don't know nothing about. What's right for you? Is what's 0:08:07.240 --> 0:08:10.760 right for you? And and just because someone especially when 0:08:10.760 --> 0:08:13.160 it comes to day, there's so much pressure. You know, 0:08:13.200 --> 0:08:15.080 you gotta get in this type of relationship, and you 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:17.120 gotta do that, and then now you're now you gotta 0:08:17.160 --> 0:08:19.200 get married. And then once you're married, now you gotta 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:22.760 have kids. And if you don't do what's expected at 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:26.880 every turn, there's a temptation to internalize that, what's wrong 0:08:26.920 --> 0:08:29.320 with me? Then I get in a relationship, what's wrong 0:08:29.360 --> 0:08:32.000 with me? They haven't asked to marry. What's wrong with me? 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:34.240 I don't don't have kids yet? Then you get kids, 0:08:34.520 --> 0:08:36.240 what's wrong with me? I don't have the right cred 0:08:36.559 --> 0:08:39.600 you get You see how crazy it is because we 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:42.839 keep living for everyone else's expectations. That's what I wrote 0:08:42.840 --> 0:08:45.400 this book. It's all about living for it. You gotta 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:49.320 set expectations for yourself. You decide who am I, how 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:51.360 do I want to live, where do I want to go? 0:08:51.760 --> 0:08:54.680 And guess what. I'm gonna take control over my life 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:58.640 because I am tired of living for everybody else and 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:01.280 not live for myself. And there's a difference. This is 0:09:01.320 --> 0:09:04.480 really important. I don't ask people to be selfish. I 0:09:04.520 --> 0:09:07.880 ask people to self prioritize. And there's a big difference 0:09:08.320 --> 0:09:10.560 when you and are selfish and we want what we 0:09:10.600 --> 0:09:12.200 want and we don't care how we get it and 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:16.000 who we hurt along the way. What myself prioritized it 0:09:16.040 --> 0:09:18.840 means I take care of my well being before I 0:09:18.880 --> 0:09:21.560 can help enhance your well being. Now, Divine, you know 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:23.240 this is lip service. And now we've got to take 0:09:23.240 --> 0:09:26.360 it to the bedroom as we're having these conversations about 0:09:26.440 --> 0:09:30.800 expectations and about prioritizing yourself. So how does that translate 0:09:30.840 --> 0:09:34.160 into the bedroom with a partner. Look, don't get the 0:09:34.240 --> 0:09:49.079 scratching now you hell, hello, I wasn't scratching. This is 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:51.400 this is great, This is so important. So a couple 0:09:51.440 --> 0:09:54.599 of we talk about setting expectations. It's comes down to 0:09:54.640 --> 0:09:58.880 two questions. One is a realistic or unrealistic. How do 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.920 you know is it in or control to do? If 0:10:01.960 --> 0:10:05.080 it's control, I argue that realistic for you to expect 0:10:05.760 --> 0:10:09.320 Number two is it's spoken or unspoken. If you have 0:10:09.400 --> 0:10:14.360 an uncommunicated request or expectation, it's an unset expectation. So 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:16.680 in order to set expectations in the bedroom, you gotta 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:19.200 look at both of those things. What's in your control 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:23.199 and what is what needs to be communicated. In my experience, 0:10:23.240 --> 0:10:26.840 too often you come to the bedroom and you one 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:29.400 try to control what's it what's not in your control, 0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:34.480 which is how the other person performs. Two an expectation 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:40.120 of what they're supposed to do that you never even communicated. Hey, 0:10:40.320 --> 0:10:42.480 you know, let's talk about this. Here's what I like, 0:10:42.600 --> 0:10:44.760 Here's what I don't like. What do you like? What 0:10:44.920 --> 0:10:47.360 don't you like? Too often we just you just get 0:10:47.400 --> 0:10:50.640 in the room and expect Oh, magic just happens, right, 0:10:50.720 --> 0:10:54.319 and they don't reduce the magic. That wasn't good. So no, 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:57.240 if you really want your sex life to go to 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:00.760 the next level, you gotta set expectations. You know, I say, okay, well, 0:11:00.760 --> 0:11:03.760 what's in my control? And maybe when you want someone 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:07.280 to please you or us, it's like, okay, well, what 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:09.640 are the things that I like to begin with? And 0:11:09.640 --> 0:11:12.280 how do I start to communicate those things instead of 0:11:12.320 --> 0:11:15.920 just expecting that somebody who does not even know me 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:18.040 as well as I know me is gonna know how 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:20.480 to please me. And then here's the other thing. When 0:11:20.480 --> 0:11:23.880 we talk about living free, this is where the issue 0:11:23.920 --> 0:11:27.640 of sex, especially when you're single, and and this is 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:32.720 where sex completely imprisoned so many people. How because when I, 0:11:32.800 --> 0:11:35.079 when we talk about living free, living free means I 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:39.520 am not under the mental, physical, or emotional control of 0:11:39.640 --> 0:11:42.439 anyone or anything. So now let's apply that to sex. 0:11:43.040 --> 0:11:46.120 You you in them or wherever you choose to do it. 0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:50.480 And it's mind blowing, right. But the person they don't 0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:54.359 know you, but they have spent thousands of hours perfecting 0:11:55.000 --> 0:11:58.760 their ability to blow a one or man's mind in 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:04.440 the bedroom. Right, So now they got you. So they 0:12:04.480 --> 0:12:06.760 may not even be right for you, but it felt 0:12:06.800 --> 0:12:16.080 so good, right, it sounds amazing mind blowing. Right. You 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:19.040 don't live free because you need it, you know. And 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:23.000 then what happens is that is the sex begins to 0:12:23.040 --> 0:12:26.000 then cloud the judgment, in cloud the perspective. And then 0:12:26.080 --> 0:12:29.280 let's do the opposite, right, the opposite is what if 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:32.120 you're in a situation and it's not meeting your expectation 0:12:32.720 --> 0:12:40.080 and it's less than what you want, it's less than one. 0:12:40.240 --> 0:12:44.480 You know, it's not blowing your mind, you know, not 0:12:44.520 --> 0:12:49.800 even uh, it's stimulating you anyway, because maybe there's a 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:56.360 comparison to what was before, having an expectation that somebody 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:58.880 that you're sleeping with now is supposed to perform like 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:01.800 someone you slept with them it m hm, And that 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:07.600 expectation could be that expectation could actually be destroyed a 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:10.480 good thing, Davion, You've said so much, just now hold them. 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:15.559 We gotta gotta some of these things. Can you give 0:13:15.600 --> 0:13:23.280 me going that slow down? Have you ever have you 0:13:23.320 --> 0:13:25.960 ever had a conversation about things like before the first 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:29.040 time you have sex, things you don't like and you know, like, 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:32.240 please go to that. I haven't, so what are those things? 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:37.160 G One thing that I don't particularly care for is 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:40.960 when receiving oral being fingered at the same time, like 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:43.600 I don't really need your fingers, you know, your mouth 0:13:43.760 --> 0:13:46.120 is just good enough. So um, if in fact that 0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:48.960 comes up in conversation, that's something that I'll definitely will 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:52.520 let how does that come up in conversation because I 0:13:52.720 --> 0:13:54.520 just look at it like this, if we're going to 0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:57.960 dinner and we're like jilling and we're like vibing, and 0:13:58.000 --> 0:13:59.720 it's just like, you know, just to let you know, 0:14:00.000 --> 0:14:02.959 ever had that yet? But if you do eat my pussy, 0:14:03.000 --> 0:14:06.440 please don't check your motherfuck finger off. One of those type. 0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:08.280 I'm one of those type of women that I will 0:14:08.320 --> 0:14:12.160 ask a man if he if he does it, like you, 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:13.960 are you eating pussy or no? Because a lot of 0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:17.280 men say they don't do it. So if they do, 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:20.080 if the buffalo wings you like, you ain't gonna put 0:14:20.080 --> 0:14:24.240 that finger in me? I don't know. Yeah, So that's 0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:26.080 how it will come up because I would really ask 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:28.320 a man if I plan on having sex with him, Um, 0:14:28.720 --> 0:14:30.520 are you a pussy eater? Is this is something that 0:14:30.560 --> 0:14:32.600 you enjoy? Is this something that you like to do? 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:36.160 Because and then when I enjoy and once he says yes, yeah, 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:39.600 like okay, by the way, when you're don't put that 0:14:39.720 --> 0:14:43.800 finger there. So I'm not. But y'all know, I'm very 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:46.680 blunt and open, so I think more so in the 0:14:46.800 --> 0:14:49.320 moment I would do it, and I would be like no, 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:51.960 like I would stop you. I wouldn't just be like, 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:54.600 let's talk about this. I'm more of a like in 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:56.600 the moment kind of person that's like no, no, no no, 0:14:57.080 --> 0:14:59.800 Like I don't like that, Like if a guy, if 0:14:59.840 --> 0:15:01.720 I tried to stick my finger up a guy, if 0:15:01.720 --> 0:15:03.920 you know what I mean, if you tried to, I 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:07.080 wouldn't talk about it beforehand because I feel like that's 0:15:07.120 --> 0:15:09.520 not so sexy, you know what I mean, Like that's 0:15:09.520 --> 0:15:11.480 not in the moment thing. And I'm like more of 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:13.760 an in the moment type of person. So I feel 0:15:13.760 --> 0:15:16.440 like if we're discussing everything, like listen, when we do 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:18.760 have our first kids, don't da da dada. I don't 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:20.840 feel like I want to give an instruction guy, because 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:23.040 I feel like and not to say that that's what 0:15:23.080 --> 0:15:25.520 you were doing, because obviously you were saying what you like. 0:15:25.840 --> 0:15:27.840 But in my mind, when I say it or lay 0:15:27.880 --> 0:15:31.080 it out to me, it would be like an instruction guy, 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:33.200 And I'd rather be like, oh, I don't like when 0:15:33.280 --> 0:15:35.960 he did that, and kind of like either explain to 0:15:36.080 --> 0:15:38.680 him at that time or cut him off. But I 0:15:38.720 --> 0:15:42.640 can't me personally, I can't see myself being like, all right, 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:46.920 before we have sex, don't put here, don't do this, 0:15:47.240 --> 0:15:49.600 don't do that, and I like this, and don't use 0:15:49.680 --> 0:15:52.120 loud because I'm wed enough, like I don't you know 0:15:52.160 --> 0:15:54.360 what I mean? Like I don't. I wouldn't understand how 0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:58.120 to do that personally. But you're already identifying what's important 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:02.720 to you what isn't. So you're organizing exploration. You have 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:07.040 expectation of exploration where you just want to initially explore 0:16:07.160 --> 0:16:09.960 and then you can sort off the finer points. You know, 0:16:10.280 --> 0:16:12.160 there's nothing wrong with that. The expectation is like, hey, 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:15.600 I like to explore. If this goes down, let's just 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:17.320 see where it goes and we can talk about it 0:16:17.360 --> 0:16:22.120 after you it's clear. Okay, great, bet. Now if there's 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:25.480 certain things you know, like the deal breakers, and he say, hey, 0:16:26.120 --> 0:16:29.160 just goes down, we are going to future. So I 0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:33.080 need to let you know if it's that important to you. Okay, cool. 0:16:33.480 --> 0:16:35.840 You know, it really comes down to what works for you. 0:16:36.440 --> 0:16:44.000 You stick that finger up there, You're done. Now you 0:16:44.080 --> 0:16:46.720 come in. You should communicate that. And then also what 0:16:46.840 --> 0:16:49.840 expectations do you have of your partner, Like do you 0:16:49.880 --> 0:16:52.200 have things that you're like, he better make sure that 0:16:52.320 --> 0:16:55.960 I blah blah blah you know, because think about it sometimes, 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:58.320 as we all know, the first time you're with somebody, 0:16:58.400 --> 0:17:00.920 it might not live up to what you want, but 0:17:01.000 --> 0:17:02.800 it also is a period of time where you have 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.119 to figure each other out and be able to, Like 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:08.920 you said, after you explore talking sometimes like Tobama saying 0:17:08.960 --> 0:17:11.440 those expectations are so how you wanted to be mind blowing, 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:13.119 and then it's not, and maybe you just give up 0:17:13.119 --> 0:17:16.199 instead of saying, let's try to you know a few times. 0:17:16.240 --> 0:17:19.520 Not compatibility, because maybe that's where I mess up on 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:22.439 things because I look at it like, all right, let's 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:25.800 see what's gonna happen, and if it works out, then 0:17:25.840 --> 0:17:27.960 this is meant to be. And if it's not, then 0:17:27.960 --> 0:17:31.080 maybe it's just not because we're not compatible, maybe our 0:17:31.200 --> 0:17:34.080 parts don't fit right, or because you know, like some 0:17:34.119 --> 0:17:36.360 people could be like, oh my god, this sex us 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:39.200 so crazy, and God forbid. You might know that same 0:17:39.240 --> 0:17:41.760 guy or a woman that had sex with them. You're 0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:45.560 like it was like it wasn't terrible to me, you 0:17:45.600 --> 0:17:47.000 know what I mean? So I just feel like some 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:49.800 people are compatible and some are not. So I feel 0:17:49.800 --> 0:17:52.359 like even if you break down the rules, it's like 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:54.880 it's not gonna work because that's just not your fit, 0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:57.680 you know what I mean, And that's how I usually 0:17:58.160 --> 0:17:59.960 move and live and maybe that's why I'm not married 0:18:00.400 --> 0:18:06.760 in a relations But honestly, in that that it's like, yeah, okay, 0:18:07.320 --> 0:18:11.880 you could live that way. Maybe it's like gambling like roulette, 0:18:13.280 --> 0:18:17.520 but maybe but maybe because there isn't enough communication about 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:21.120 what is expected and that it's just like you get 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:23.280 to the point where you get frustrated because you're like, yo, 0:18:24.359 --> 0:18:27.840 you need to know if you know about not everybody 0:18:27.920 --> 0:18:32.359 knows you know. And then also not only people can 0:18:32.400 --> 0:18:35.479 be teachable, but also sometimes it takes time to say, oh, 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:37.879 got it, this is how this is and this is 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:40.160 how the rhythm goes. And then also if it's somebody 0:18:40.200 --> 0:18:43.240 you really care and love, as you all growing in love, 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:47.760 it becomes a greater capacity to give them the opportunity 0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:50.280 to learn how to please you, and then also for 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:51.719 you to be willing to learn how to place Then 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:55.320 you just in this area you can't communicate enough, and 0:18:55.400 --> 0:18:58.000 when it comes, if everything else is going really well 0:18:58.040 --> 0:19:00.880 and the sex isn't quite there, you know, maybe that's 0:19:00.920 --> 0:19:03.600 the area where you gotta set the expectations most And 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:07.680 also give the most prete for growth and to learn 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:10.680 because you can listen, you have known you for as 0:19:10.720 --> 0:19:14.359 long as you've been on this earth, right, it maybe 0:19:14.400 --> 0:19:16.720 maybe the only couple of months, maybe a year, right, 0:19:16.800 --> 0:19:20.120 So it's like you know, and again it's like, yeah, 0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:23.280 sure somebody can hit the mark immediately sexually, but then 0:19:23.320 --> 0:19:25.400 you gotta look at like what else is going on 0:19:25.760 --> 0:19:28.640 and how happy are you in other areas? You know, 0:19:29.280 --> 0:19:32.120 you gotta find the balance to right, It's like, all right, 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:34.600 I'm happy in this area. The sex still needs work. 0:19:34.640 --> 0:19:36.359 All right, I'm gonna do the work on the sex 0:19:36.440 --> 0:19:38.800 because I want to be with this person. I see 0:19:38.800 --> 0:19:40.840 a future. You know what, I don't see a future, 0:19:40.920 --> 0:19:42.720 So all I want is this sex. All right, Well 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:45.040 my expectation. If the sex ain't good, I'm about you 0:19:45.160 --> 0:19:47.760 gotta then determine how you see this person, what you 0:19:47.760 --> 0:19:50.760 really want from the situation, to then know how to 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:53.840 navigate the right expectations. Now, I want to ask you 0:19:53.920 --> 0:19:56.679 this divine about something at the game put on social media, 0:19:56.720 --> 0:19:59.240 and I want to get your thoughts. Okay, he said, 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:01.400 everybody different, but it just ain't in me to let 0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:04.000 my woman share the worry of paying for anything I 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:07.040 feel good carrying that load. And I'm not changing. If 0:20:07.080 --> 0:20:09.480 you're lucky enough to land an independent woman who works 0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:11.480 her ass off and still come some to cut clean, 0:20:11.840 --> 0:20:14.080 take care of kids, and go crazy sexually, let her 0:20:14.119 --> 0:20:16.560 stack what she makes in case y'all need it one 0:20:16.640 --> 0:20:19.280 day and still handle everything as a man. Why she 0:20:19.320 --> 0:20:20.800 got to pay half the rent? She had given you 0:20:20.840 --> 0:20:23.439 half the pussy And then he said, m wire's killed me. 0:20:23.480 --> 0:20:26.440 Since the beginning of time, real men have always taken 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:29.920 care of shelter, providing and protecting. And if you ain't 0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:32.920 got it, go get it. Because that is some high 0:20:32.960 --> 0:20:35.159 expectations to place on a man, that he's got to 0:20:35.200 --> 0:20:37.880 take care of everything, even as you stack your own 0:20:37.920 --> 0:20:39.720 money as a woman. So what are your thoughts about 0:20:39.720 --> 0:20:42.840 something like that? You know again, I think you gotta 0:20:42.840 --> 0:20:45.760 live free. You can't, as even as a man, be 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:50.359 under mental, emotional or physical control of the humanity or 0:20:50.440 --> 0:20:54.479 the idea. And and too often you know that works 0:20:54.520 --> 0:20:56.960 for a man and a woman in their relationship, and 0:20:57.040 --> 0:20:59.760 that works for them. I think it's dangerous when you 0:21:00.280 --> 0:21:04.280 to take ideas and apply it across the board, because 0:21:04.480 --> 0:21:06.040 you know there are some women that you know are 0:21:06.040 --> 0:21:08.760 saying Hey, look, I make a certain amount of money 0:21:09.080 --> 0:21:12.720 and I actually want to contribute, you know, like that 0:21:12.800 --> 0:21:16.680 actually briefs joy, you know, and and I don't want 0:21:16.680 --> 0:21:20.320 to who just wants to do everything because then what happens. 0:21:20.920 --> 0:21:22.600