Speaker 1: What Epics Lift Service, and you know we're starting every
Speaker 1: episode with a woman on top courtesy a Delhian. And
Speaker 1: today we are giving a toast to Kimberly Godwin. She's
Speaker 1: a veteran of local and national TV news operations, and
Speaker 1: he is the next president of ABC News and the
Speaker 1: first black executive to run a broadcast network news operation. Right, yes, yeah, now.
Speaker 1: Kimberly god When actually is a graduate of Florida A
Speaker 1: and M University, the School of Journalism and Graphic Communication,
Speaker 1: and she's also a veteran award winning broadcast news executive.
Speaker 1: She'll be overseeing Good Morning America, World News, tonight, Nightline
Speaker 1: eight of You and this week, which is huge, So congratulations.
Speaker 1: She is joining ABC News in May. At CBS. Prior
Speaker 1: to this, she supervised four hundred domestic and foreign affiliates,
Speaker 1: the units, national News Deck and its bureaus and standards
Speaker 1: and ethics, among other duties. So congratulations to Kimberly god When.
Speaker 1: She is our woman on top of seek Women's Old Top.
Speaker 1: And yeah, Gloria, we are drinking and Friday, I got
Speaker 1: that rapper on it and everything. I felt bad drinking
Speaker 1: in front of you like this, but I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to do it you. It's all loved. But Divine Franklin
Speaker 1: is here and he has no expectations for you, guys,
Speaker 1: Just damn quite that he loves us to stop it
Speaker 1: and he loves you guys. It's just but he has
Speaker 1: no expectations. I just want to have. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about this because Divine you have a new book that's
Speaker 1: coming out made for it, So can you tell us
Speaker 1: a little bit about it. Yeah, it's called Live Free
Speaker 1: Exceeds Your Highest Expectations, And it's all about how to
Speaker 1: set expectations. You know, in my experience, so often everyone
Speaker 1: is living by the expectations of others, their friends, their family,
Speaker 1: their upbringing, their partners, but not really living by their
Speaker 1: own expectations. And so as a result, they're not living free.
Speaker 1: When you and I don't live free, we under the
Speaker 1: control mostally specially monicely, by someone else or something else.
Speaker 1: And so this is all about the our learning to
Speaker 1: set expectations for yourself. You I can life created to
Speaker 1: live and that's what the book's about. It's all about expectations.
Speaker 1: Are you by are they You're choosing in the area
Speaker 1: of personal expectations, cultural expectations, relationship expectations, and professional expectations.
Speaker 1: And this book gives you the tips and tools on
Speaker 1: how to set expectations in every area of your life. Navin,
Speaker 1: thank you for writing this book for me because I
Speaker 1: definitely need it. Okay, you heard it comes out me
Speaker 1: for I think you had me and mind while you
Speaker 1: was writing this book, because I definitely can use this
Speaker 1: type of motivation and push to um realign myself into
Speaker 1: where I need to be. You know, we got a
Speaker 1: little preview of it, right because they did send us
Speaker 1: something right before we actually are recording this. And one
Speaker 1: thing that I want to bring up is, you know
Speaker 1: how people always say, okay, it's not you as me
Speaker 1: in relationships when there when it's time to break up.
Speaker 1: But according to you, if you have a problem with
Speaker 1: your spouse, the problem isn't your spouse, The problem is you.
Speaker 1: So can you explain that? Yeah, because so so often
Speaker 1: my experience, this is the easiest thing to do. I'm
Speaker 1: in a relationship, I'm having a problem, and I do
Speaker 1: this a point the finger. That's easy, so easy, and
Speaker 1: most of the times in my experience, it's not this,
Speaker 1: it's this, It's like, okay, is how I'm looking at it.
Speaker 1: Is this here? Because if this, if this is coming
Speaker 1: up of my relationship, is their work that I need
Speaker 1: to do on myself that I hadn't done in the past.
Speaker 1: I was in the past, I got the note I
Speaker 1: needed to work, I didn't want to do it. I
Speaker 1: broke up with that person, and now I'm in a
Speaker 1: situation when the new person work comes up again. Right?
Speaker 1: So am I just gonna keep pointing the thing or say, okay, wait,
Speaker 1: maybe it's me. Maybe I got to do the work
Speaker 1: on me. But I gotta look at my perspective. Maybe
Speaker 1: I am actually contributing to the situation I really don't like,
Speaker 1: and maybe I got to communicate more. Maybe I have
Speaker 1: to set my expectations clearer. Uh so, yeah, I don't
Speaker 1: believe that it's them, it's actually us when there are
Speaker 1: relationship problems, because so many of the problems in my
Speaker 1: experience we can resolve. Now, it doesn't mean that that
Speaker 1: person or that situation. Maybe it's incompatible. But before jumping
Speaker 1: to that place and say, oh, you know what, this
Speaker 1: person will treat me this way, well, do you treat
Speaker 1: yourself that way? You know this person doesn't do what
Speaker 1: I want? Well, have you ever asked them? Have you
Speaker 1: ever here's what I expect? Can you meet the expectation?
Speaker 1: So often we, especially in a relationship, we act like
Speaker 1: just because the person loves us that they know. It's
Speaker 1: not true. They don't know. Just because they love you
Speaker 1: doesn't mean they can read our minds. So I wrote
Speaker 1: that in the book to give the reader really a
Speaker 1: clear view to say, wait, maybe I gotta look in
Speaker 1: the mirror. How to think about me and what problem
Speaker 1: I'm actually contributing to instead of just being so easy
Speaker 1: to point the finger, and here's the reality. We point
Speaker 1: and we get out of something. What we take, who
Speaker 1: we are, where we go, and whatever work we didn't do,
Speaker 1: it's gonna be there whenever we get to the news
Speaker 1: that it's always so why not do the hard work
Speaker 1: of getting the work done in the situation? Even if
Speaker 1: you I'm not talking about anything abusive, but if you're
Speaker 1: a situation you don't like, the relationship isn't great, I
Speaker 1: would challenge you to do the work that you need
Speaker 1: to do on yourself, get that work done, and then
Speaker 1: you move on from a place A piece Why this
Speaker 1: relation was a great teacher I would have never dump
Speaker 1: deep into my trauma if I wasn't forced with particular individuals.
Speaker 1: So instead of leaving an anger and frustration, I leave
Speaker 1: in a blessing. Thank you. Doesn't mean we're compatible, but
Speaker 1: I'm so glad that we had this moment because I
Speaker 1: would have never figured out who I was. Well, what
Speaker 1: if the issue is that, like you keep picking the
Speaker 1: same type of person and in a sense where it's
Speaker 1: like not working for you, because maybe maybe it's not
Speaker 1: really you, you know what I mean as far as
Speaker 1: when it comes to having to effects inner issues, but
Speaker 1: maybe you just fell like, all right, let me give
Speaker 1: this person a chance. Now that's still like do you
Speaker 1: feel like that's still like an inner issue within someone
Speaker 1: where they keep picking somebody that may needs to be
Speaker 1: like helped a little bit along the way. I just
Speaker 1: found this out, which was kind of shocking to me
Speaker 1: in that, you know, I'm the middle child of three boys,
Speaker 1: and my father was an alcoholic and he ended up
Speaker 1: passing away when I was nine years old, when he
Speaker 1: was thirty six, And I recently found out that a
Speaker 1: lot of children of alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics, one
Speaker 1: of the defining traits is finding people that you can
Speaker 1: save because you couldn't save your your your your your parents.
Speaker 1: You you took that in and now you find now
Speaker 1: you find projects people that save right. So so in
Speaker 1: the question, it makes me think of that because so often,
Speaker 1: if there's that pattern that's repeating itself, it maybe because
Speaker 1: you got to go back and look at your upbringing,
Speaker 1: look at what was the trauma that you may have experienced,
Speaker 1: and how come you're seeing these patterns. Maybe there's some
Speaker 1: unresolved issues or maybe there's a revelation about your upbringing
Speaker 1: that you got to come into alignment and agreement with
Speaker 1: that then will help you break the cycle, you know.
Speaker 1: And then also look at what if I'm finding the
Speaker 1: same person and that person is someone exactly want, then
Speaker 1: I have asked the questions and I who I want be? Am?
Speaker 1: I am I actually who I want to be? Because
Speaker 1: maybe I'm attracting those that are being attracted to my presentation.
Speaker 1: But I was gonna say, that's interesting because we're always
Speaker 1: told to have expectations, right, aren't we always told to
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, you gotta make sure that people are
Speaker 1: at a certain level. You gotta have these expectations and
Speaker 1: people should live up to that. And we also have
Speaker 1: a lot of expectations placed on us. And I know
Speaker 1: you discussed that in the book, because it just feels
Speaker 1: like people will always tell you, Okay, well you know
Speaker 1: you gotta stop settling. Well, well, you know it's it's
Speaker 1: it's settled by whose definition? You know. Too often, especially
Speaker 1: when the competing everybody got an opinion, got something they
Speaker 1: don't know nothing about. What's right for you? Is what's
Speaker 1: right for you? And and just because someone especially when
Speaker 1: it comes to day, there's so much pressure. You know,
Speaker 1: you gotta get in this type of relationship, and you
Speaker 1: gotta do that, and then now you're now you gotta
Speaker 1: get married. And then once you're married, now you gotta
Speaker 1: have kids. And if you don't do what's expected at
Speaker 1: every turn, there's a temptation to internalize that, what's wrong
Speaker 1: with me? Then I get in a relationship, what's wrong
Speaker 1: with me? They haven't asked to marry. What's wrong with me?
Speaker 1: I don't don't have kids yet? Then you get kids,
Speaker 1: what's wrong with me? I don't have the right cred
Speaker 1: you get You see how crazy it is because we
Speaker 1: keep living for everyone else's expectations. That's what I wrote
Speaker 1: this book. It's all about living for it. You gotta
Speaker 1: set expectations for yourself. You decide who am I, how
Speaker 1: do I want to live, where do I want to go?
Speaker 1: And guess what. I'm gonna take control over my life
Speaker 1: because I am tired of living for everybody else and
Speaker 1: not live for myself. And there's a difference. This is
Speaker 1: really important. I don't ask people to be selfish. I
Speaker 1: ask people to self prioritize. And there's a big difference
Speaker 1: when you and are selfish and we want what we
Speaker 1: want and we don't care how we get it and
Speaker 1: who we hurt along the way. What myself prioritized it
Speaker 1: means I take care of my well being before I
Speaker 1: can help enhance your well being. Now, Divine, you know
Speaker 1: this is lip service. And now we've got to take
Speaker 1: it to the bedroom as we're having these conversations about
Speaker 1: expectations and about prioritizing yourself. So how does that translate
Speaker 1: into the bedroom with a partner. Look, don't get the
Speaker 1: scratching now you hell, hello, I wasn't scratching. This is
Speaker 1: this is great, This is so important. So a couple
Speaker 1: of we talk about setting expectations. It's comes down to
Speaker 1: two questions. One is a realistic or unrealistic. How do
Speaker 1: you know is it in or control to do? If
Speaker 1: it's control, I argue that realistic for you to expect
Speaker 1: Number two is it's spoken or unspoken. If you have
Speaker 1: an uncommunicated request or expectation, it's an unset expectation. So
Speaker 1: in order to set expectations in the bedroom, you gotta
Speaker 1: look at both of those things. What's in your control
Speaker 1: and what is what needs to be communicated. In my experience,
Speaker 1: too often you come to the bedroom and you one
Speaker 1: try to control what's it what's not in your control,
Speaker 1: which is how the other person performs. Two an expectation
Speaker 1: of what they're supposed to do that you never even communicated. Hey,
Speaker 1: you know, let's talk about this. Here's what I like,
Speaker 1: Here's what I don't like. What do you like? What
Speaker 1: don't you like? Too often we just you just get
Speaker 1: in the room and expect Oh, magic just happens, right,
Speaker 1: and they don't reduce the magic. That wasn't good. So no,
Speaker 1: if you really want your sex life to go to
Speaker 1: the next level, you gotta set expectations. You know, I say, okay, well,
Speaker 1: what's in my control? And maybe when you want someone
Speaker 1: to please you or us, it's like, okay, well, what
Speaker 1: are the things that I like to begin with? And
Speaker 1: how do I start to communicate those things instead of
Speaker 1: just expecting that somebody who does not even know me
Speaker 1: as well as I know me is gonna know how
Speaker 1: to please me. And then here's the other thing. When
Speaker 1: we talk about living free, this is where the issue
Speaker 1: of sex, especially when you're single, and and this is
Speaker 1: where sex completely imprisoned so many people. How because when I,
Speaker 1: when we talk about living free, living free means I
Speaker 1: am not under the mental, physical, or emotional control of
Speaker 1: anyone or anything. So now let's apply that to sex.
Speaker 1: You you in them or wherever you choose to do it.
Speaker 1: And it's mind blowing, right. But the person they don't
Speaker 1: know you, but they have spent thousands of hours perfecting
Speaker 1: their ability to blow a one or man's mind in
Speaker 1: the bedroom. Right, So now they got you. So they
Speaker 1: may not even be right for you, but it felt
Speaker 1: so good, right, it sounds amazing mind blowing. Right. You
Speaker 1: don't live free because you need it, you know. And
Speaker 1: then what happens is that is the sex begins to
Speaker 1: then cloud the judgment, in cloud the perspective. And then
Speaker 1: let's do the opposite, right, the opposite is what if
Speaker 1: you're in a situation and it's not meeting your expectation
Speaker 1: and it's less than what you want, it's less than one.
Speaker 1: You know, it's not blowing your mind, you know, not
Speaker 1: even uh, it's stimulating you anyway, because maybe there's a
Speaker 1: comparison to what was before, having an expectation that somebody
Speaker 1: that you're sleeping with now is supposed to perform like
Speaker 1: someone you slept with them it m hm, And that
Speaker 1: expectation could be that expectation could actually be destroyed a
Speaker 1: good thing, Davion, You've said so much, just now hold them.
Speaker 1: We gotta gotta some of these things. Can you give
Speaker 1: me going that slow down? Have you ever have you
Speaker 1: ever had a conversation about things like before the first
Speaker 1: time you have sex, things you don't like and you know, like,
Speaker 1: please go to that. I haven't, so what are those things?
Speaker 1: G One thing that I don't particularly care for is
Speaker 1: when receiving oral being fingered at the same time, like
Speaker 1: I don't really need your fingers, you know, your mouth
Speaker 1: is just good enough. So um, if in fact that
Speaker 1: comes up in conversation, that's something that I'll definitely will
Speaker 1: let how does that come up in conversation because I
Speaker 1: just look at it like this, if we're going to
Speaker 1: dinner and we're like jilling and we're like vibing, and
Speaker 1: it's just like, you know, just to let you know,
Speaker 1: ever had that yet? But if you do eat my pussy,
Speaker 1: please don't check your motherfuck finger off. One of those type.
Speaker 1: I'm one of those type of women that I will
Speaker 1: ask a man if he if he does it, like you,
Speaker 1: are you eating pussy or no? Because a lot of
Speaker 1: men say they don't do it. So if they do,
Speaker 1: if the buffalo wings you like, you ain't gonna put
Speaker 1: that finger in me? I don't know. Yeah, So that's
Speaker 1: how it will come up because I would really ask
Speaker 1: a man if I plan on having sex with him, Um,
Speaker 1: are you a pussy eater? Is this is something that
Speaker 1: you enjoy? Is this something that you like to do?
Speaker 1: Because and then when I enjoy and once he says yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: like okay, by the way, when you're don't put that
Speaker 1: finger there. So I'm not. But y'all know, I'm very
Speaker 1: blunt and open, so I think more so in the
Speaker 1: moment I would do it, and I would be like no,
Speaker 1: like I would stop you. I wouldn't just be like,
Speaker 1: let's talk about this. I'm more of a like in
Speaker 1: the moment kind of person that's like no, no, no no,
Speaker 1: Like I don't like that, Like if a guy, if
Speaker 1: I tried to stick my finger up a guy, if
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, if you tried to, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't talk about it beforehand because I feel like that's
Speaker 1: not so sexy, you know what I mean, Like that's
Speaker 1: not in the moment thing. And I'm like more of
Speaker 1: an in the moment type of person. So I feel
Speaker 1: like if we're discussing everything, like listen, when we do
Speaker 1: have our first kids, don't da da dada. I don't
Speaker 1: feel like I want to give an instruction guy, because
Speaker 1: I feel like and not to say that that's what
Speaker 1: you were doing, because obviously you were saying what you like.
Speaker 1: But in my mind, when I say it or lay
Speaker 1: it out to me, it would be like an instruction guy,
Speaker 1: And I'd rather be like, oh, I don't like when
Speaker 1: he did that, and kind of like either explain to
Speaker 1: him at that time or cut him off. But I
Speaker 1: can't me personally, I can't see myself being like, all right,
Speaker 1: before we have sex, don't put here, don't do this,
Speaker 1: don't do that, and I like this, and don't use
Speaker 1: loud because I'm wed enough, like I don't you know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like I don't. I wouldn't understand how
Speaker 1: to do that personally. But you're already identifying what's important
Speaker 1: to you what isn't. So you're organizing exploration. You have
Speaker 1: expectation of exploration where you just want to initially explore
Speaker 1: and then you can sort off the finer points. You know,
Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with that. The expectation is like, hey,
Speaker 1: I like to explore. If this goes down, let's just
Speaker 1: see where it goes and we can talk about it
Speaker 1: after you it's clear. Okay, great, bet. Now if there's
Speaker 1: certain things you know, like the deal breakers, and he say, hey,
Speaker 1: just goes down, we are going to future. So I
Speaker 1: need to let you know if it's that important to you. Okay, cool.
Speaker 1: You know, it really comes down to what works for you.
Speaker 1: You stick that finger up there, You're done. Now you
Speaker 1: come in. You should communicate that. And then also what
Speaker 1: expectations do you have of your partner, Like do you
Speaker 1: have things that you're like, he better make sure that
Speaker 1: I blah blah blah you know, because think about it sometimes,
Speaker 1: as we all know, the first time you're with somebody,
Speaker 1: it might not live up to what you want, but
Speaker 1: it also is a period of time where you have
Speaker 1: to figure each other out and be able to, Like
Speaker 1: you said, after you explore talking sometimes like Tobama saying
Speaker 1: those expectations are so how you wanted to be mind blowing,
Speaker 1: and then it's not, and maybe you just give up
Speaker 1: instead of saying, let's try to you know a few times.
Speaker 1: Not compatibility, because maybe that's where I mess up on
Speaker 1: things because I look at it like, all right, let's
Speaker 1: see what's gonna happen, and if it works out, then
Speaker 1: this is meant to be. And if it's not, then
Speaker 1: maybe it's just not because we're not compatible, maybe our
Speaker 1: parts don't fit right, or because you know, like some
Speaker 1: people could be like, oh my god, this sex us
Speaker 1: so crazy, and God forbid. You might know that same
Speaker 1: guy or a woman that had sex with them. You're
Speaker 1: like it was like it wasn't terrible to me, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? So I just feel like some
Speaker 1: people are compatible and some are not. So I feel
Speaker 1: like even if you break down the rules, it's like
Speaker 1: it's not gonna work because that's just not your fit,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, And that's how I usually
Speaker 1: move and live and maybe that's why I'm not married
Speaker 1: in a relations But honestly, in that that it's like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: you could live that way. Maybe it's like gambling like roulette,
Speaker 1: but maybe but maybe because there isn't enough communication about
Speaker 1: what is expected and that it's just like you get
Speaker 1: to the point where you get frustrated because you're like, yo,
Speaker 1: you need to know if you know about not everybody
Speaker 1: knows you know. And then also not only people can
Speaker 1: be teachable, but also sometimes it takes time to say, oh,
Speaker 1: got it, this is how this is and this is
Speaker 1: how the rhythm goes. And then also if it's somebody
Speaker 1: you really care and love, as you all growing in love,
Speaker 1: it becomes a greater capacity to give them the opportunity
Speaker 1: to learn how to please you, and then also for
Speaker 1: you to be willing to learn how to place Then
Speaker 1: you just in this area you can't communicate enough, and
Speaker 1: when it comes, if everything else is going really well
Speaker 1: and the sex isn't quite there, you know, maybe that's
Speaker 1: the area where you gotta set the expectations most And
Speaker 1: also give the most prete for growth and to learn
Speaker 1: because you can listen, you have known you for as
Speaker 1: long as you've been on this earth, right, it maybe
Speaker 1: maybe the only couple of months, maybe a year, right,
Speaker 1: So it's like you know, and again it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: sure somebody can hit the mark immediately sexually, but then
Speaker 1: you gotta look at like what else is going on
Speaker 1: and how happy are you in other areas? You know,
Speaker 1: you gotta find the balance to right, It's like, all right,
Speaker 1: I'm happy in this area. The sex still needs work.
Speaker 1: All right, I'm gonna do the work on the sex
Speaker 1: because I want to be with this person. I see
Speaker 1: a future. You know what, I don't see a future,
Speaker 1: So all I want is this sex. All right, Well
Speaker 1: my expectation. If the sex ain't good, I'm about you
Speaker 1: gotta then determine how you see this person, what you
Speaker 1: really want from the situation, to then know how to
Speaker 1: navigate the right expectations. Now, I want to ask you
Speaker 1: this divine about something at the game put on social media,
Speaker 1: and I want to get your thoughts. Okay, he said,
Speaker 1: everybody different, but it just ain't in me to let
Speaker 1: my woman share the worry of paying for anything I
Speaker 1: feel good carrying that load. And I'm not changing. If
Speaker 1: you're lucky enough to land an independent woman who works
Speaker 1: her ass off and still come some to cut clean,
Speaker 1: take care of kids, and go crazy sexually, let her
Speaker 1: stack what she makes in case y'all need it one
Speaker 1: day and still handle everything as a man. Why she
Speaker 1: got to pay half the rent? She had given you
Speaker 1: half the pussy And then he said, m wire's killed me.
Speaker 1: Since the beginning of time, real men have always taken
Speaker 1: care of shelter, providing and protecting. And if you ain't
Speaker 1: got it, go get it. Because that is some high
Speaker 1: expectations to place on a man, that he's got to
Speaker 1: take care of everything, even as you stack your own
Speaker 1: money as a woman. So what are your thoughts about
Speaker 1: something like that? You know again, I think you gotta
Speaker 1: live free. You can't, as even as a man, be
Speaker 1: under mental, emotional or physical control of the humanity or
Speaker 1: the idea. And and too often you know that works
Speaker 1: for a man and a woman in their relationship, and
Speaker 1: that works for them. I think it's dangerous when you
Speaker 1: to take ideas and apply it across the board, because
Speaker 1: you know there are some women that you know are
Speaker 1: saying Hey, look, I make a certain amount of money
Speaker 1: and I actually want to contribute, you know, like that
Speaker 1: actually briefs joy, you know, and and I don't want
Speaker 1: to who just wants to do everything because then what happens.
Speaker 1: Come on, let's just be honest about us as men.
Speaker 1: Not every man is doing their work. So when a
Speaker 1: man pays, there's an expectation with what comes with that payment. Control. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm ringing Mario's bell because I've been there, scation, because
Speaker 1: the man was taking care of everything and he held
Speaker 1: it over my head and where he got and and
Speaker 1: at this point in my life, I am not in
Speaker 1: that situation any longer. It feels so much better to
Speaker 1: be able to still maintain my same lifestyle and provide
Speaker 1: these things for myself without a man, you know, like
Speaker 1: I'll take gifts and I'll take help, but the fact
Speaker 1: that I can do these things on my only, it
Speaker 1: just feels so much better to know a doct it
Speaker 1: on my own. So absolutely. And also I think there's
Speaker 1: a there's a thing you know that this is why
Speaker 1: I wrote my last book, Truth about Men. And also
Speaker 1: when I'm writing this book is that but oh, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you. I had three copies and two of them
Speaker 1: are missing, which means people, well, I love it, I
Speaker 1: love it he as men. To me, part of where
Speaker 1: we are right now is not falling into the traps
Speaker 1: in the tropes of what it needs to be a
Speaker 1: man and and defining a lot of that with money
Speaker 1: and dominance. You know, No, to me, manhood is communication, care, consideration,
Speaker 1: of course, lead, but leadership through about what works for
Speaker 1: you. You You know, if you're in a situation where that's
Speaker 1: what the woman wants. But let's say, as the man,
Speaker 1: you are not able to do that, not because you
Speaker 1: have the passage, You're just not there on your journey.
Speaker 1: So then you then try to live up to that
Speaker 1: expectation and you feel less than I don't think that's
Speaker 1: very healthy at all, you know, I mean at all.
Speaker 1: I mean when Megan and I got married, you know,
Speaker 1: she way, she made way more money than me at time.
Speaker 1: You know, now we've been married nine years, and you
Speaker 1: know it's about even if not me making more Like
Speaker 1: if her expectation was, man, I gotta marry a dude
Speaker 1: who's making as much as me, we would be married. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I have capacity to make that amount of money. It
Speaker 1: just takes time. You know, and so I understand you
Speaker 1: know where my brother is coming from. I would just
Speaker 1: challenge any person, any man, any woman, it's not fall
Speaker 1: into these these different uh roles without identifying if they
Speaker 1: If that's really what you want to do, don't just
Speaker 1: go into it because what society wants or you saw
Speaker 1: some post on Instagram got a lot of trash. That's
Speaker 1: the worst reasons to say that. But because then that
Speaker 1: makes me think of guys like Derek Jackson or whatever
Speaker 1: that actually come out and say like they like they
Speaker 1: have these certain values and people follow behind them thinking like, Okay,
Speaker 1: well this man is married, he's been in a relationship
Speaker 1: for eight years, that's relationship goals. You know. So what
Speaker 1: you even saying that, like just because it's on the
Speaker 1: internet or whatever the case, don't you shouldn't necessarily follow it.
Speaker 1: But this is what you you're bringing up a really
Speaker 1: great point. And I just I want to say this
Speaker 1: the whole thing with Derrick Jackson. You know, I don't
Speaker 1: know the brother. I didn't even get into the new
Speaker 1: show watching all the videos, but of course I understand
Speaker 1: what happens right here. Here's here's one thing, one observation
Speaker 1: that I took away as a man who's in the
Speaker 1: public eye, who obviously has written books and has a
Speaker 1: lot to say about relations my affect to what men
Speaker 1: women should and shouldn't do. I looked at the situation
Speaker 1: and said, first of all, we as men have to
Speaker 1: do everything we can and are to make ourselves uncomfortable
Speaker 1: to tell the truth. And what I mean by the
Speaker 1: truth is that it's very easy for me as a
Speaker 1: man to come on show like this and advise and
Speaker 1: give great wisdom. That's easy. The truth of the matter
Speaker 1: is every man is an imperfect messenger because I'm still
Speaker 1: a man, and so yes, I have ideas and thoughts
Speaker 1: and I live by those as best I can. But
Speaker 1: I also understand the internal struggle of being a man,
Speaker 1: and it's not easy. And so when I saw with
Speaker 1: that Derrick Jackson thing, Mike was like, whoa unto any
Speaker 1: man that just takes a position about this is what
Speaker 1: women should do without any understanding of saying, yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that this is what women should do. This what
Speaker 1: men should do. But like, I'll be honest, world, can
Speaker 1: I figured this day out? We are now, we are human,
Speaker 1: We all human, and none of us have this figured
Speaker 1: out perfectly. We're all learning, We're on a journey, and
Speaker 1: so it just it just was a word of caution,
Speaker 1: even to me to say, I'm not trying to put
Speaker 1: myself in a position where I know everything. I don't.
Speaker 1: You know, I want this book, I say, hey, man,
Speaker 1: I had to. There was a part of me, uh,
Speaker 1: growing up what people called me Mr Perfect because I
Speaker 1: did everything right. And I of course I said, oh
Speaker 1: this is great. I'm missed a Perfect. As I got older,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I had the perfect. I work
Speaker 1: on killing Mr Perfect because it's just not true. It's
Speaker 1: a facade, it's a persona, it's not reality. And so
Speaker 1: again I don't know the brother. I don't I'm not
Speaker 1: hating on that brother or any other brother. But as
Speaker 1: as men, we have to be cautious the tone in
Speaker 1: which we give advice to win them. And we had
Speaker 1: every man knows the struggle. It is hard, it's difficult.
Speaker 1: And so if I stand up on this platform and say, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, that's why I wrote truth about men. Yo,
Speaker 1: we got this dog in us, it's in us, it's
Speaker 1: in me. Right, I got master that. I work on
Speaker 1: mastering it every day. I gotta do my work I
Speaker 1: can't come out here and say, oh, I've got it mastered,
Speaker 1: everything's great. No, I don't. I work on it. I
Speaker 1: deal with it. It ain't easy some days or easy
Speaker 1: than others. But to not try to get on a
Speaker 1: pedestal for a profit and act like we got it
Speaker 1: all when we know we don't. That was my takeaway
Speaker 1: from that situation. And any brother that I can talk
Speaker 1: to who's giving advice, I try to share with, like, yo,
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with the advice, but take the edge off
Speaker 1: of you know it all. Take the edge off of
Speaker 1: that and offer it with some humility, with some grace
Speaker 1: and saying, hey, I'm still working through this too, right.
Speaker 1: What were some expectations on you that you feel were
Speaker 1: unrealistic because you had them coming from everywhere, like from
Speaker 1: the church, from people who are paying attention to your marriage,
Speaker 1: from the community, social media. What about you, like, what
Speaker 1: are some things you're like, Okay, this is impossible, And
Speaker 1: what did you have to change about yourself and your
Speaker 1: own expectations? Yeah, you know, I mean, I I was
Speaker 1: raising the church, you know, been Christian all my life,
Speaker 1: and so you know, just the idea of my reason
Speaker 1: my initial goal growing up was I want to go
Speaker 1: to Hollywood. I want to become, you know, a producer.
Speaker 1: And so coming from a religious background, that was from
Speaker 1: you like, you can't Hollywood and Solomon Gomorra, it's the
Speaker 1: devil's playground. You're gonna lose your faith, You're gonna have
Speaker 1: to compromise. And so that was one of the first
Speaker 1: expectations that I had to say, guess what, y'all I
Speaker 1: live with in my heart. Hey, if you don't agree,
Speaker 1: pray for me, because I gotta go, you know. And
Speaker 1: I went, came to the entertainment business, you know, became successful,
Speaker 1: worked at Sony Pictures for ten years, and now we're
Speaker 1: in my own production company. So I had succeeded in
Speaker 1: that way. But one of the other expectations is this, yes,
Speaker 1: the journey right. One of the other expectations was with
Speaker 1: success if you're not careful, comes a chat of like, oh,
Speaker 1: finding too much of my identity in the success and
Speaker 1: the expectation that if I'm not producing a hit movie
Speaker 1: or got a successful book or you know, on television,
Speaker 1: then I'm not making it. What's wrong with you, divine man? Dude?
Speaker 1: What's with you? Man? You just did this thing on
Speaker 1: social media? And like that, what's wrong with you? Like internalizing?
Speaker 1: So the expectation is like, oh, I have to be
Speaker 1: this all the time. No, I had to learn one
Speaker 1: thing I should expect it myself is to be who
Speaker 1: I am. I really keep working on who I am.
Speaker 1: And when I say, well, on who I am, like
Speaker 1: work on you know, times when I'm angry and frustrated
Speaker 1: and you know, deal with my issues and being an
Speaker 1: adult child of alcoholic and deal with my perfectionism issues.
Speaker 1: The more I do that, the more it has allowed
Speaker 1: me to resist the temptation to live up anybody else's expectation,
Speaker 1: you know. And so it's been a process because we
Speaker 1: all listen, I'm I'm. I don't know if you'all have
Speaker 1: this that I like to be like, because you know,
Speaker 1: I like people's approval. I liked it um but at
Speaker 1: times I liked it too much. I liked it so
Speaker 1: much that I keep my value in it. And when
Speaker 1: they like me, I feel fantastic. But when they don't,
Speaker 1: I feel devastated. And that was an expectation that I
Speaker 1: had to remove of like I can't live for anybody else.
Speaker 1: I can't live for my wife. I love her, I
Speaker 1: can't live for her. At the end of the day,
Speaker 1: I only life that I'm responsible to live is the
Speaker 1: life that I have been given, and I have to
Speaker 1: make sure at every turn that I'm living based upon
Speaker 1: the expectations that I choose. Others can have expectations of me,
Speaker 1: and if I choose those expectations, great. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that someone having an expectation of me is wrong. It
Speaker 1: just means if I do it without them, without me
Speaker 1: and thinking about it. My religious you know, from the church.
Speaker 1: You know I have gotten to the place where I
Speaker 1: love the Lord. I'm completely you know, a follower of Christ.
Speaker 1: Have no problem with that. But I don't do anything
Speaker 1: to live up to someone's religious expectation of who I
Speaker 1: should be and what I should do. I don't do it.
Speaker 1: They say that, and I'm about to switch gears a
Speaker 1: little bit, and you know I was. You see it
Speaker 1: in my face, So dude. They say that people that's
Speaker 1: in the church sometimes to be a little bit more
Speaker 1: freaking than the regular people. Now have you come across
Speaker 1: that where it's been like women in the church and
Speaker 1: stuff like that, I kind of throw them pennies at you,
Speaker 1: even though you're married, or even maybe before you get
Speaker 1: what I'm saying that you like hold on because we
Speaker 1: see a lot of preachers and pastors that get caught
Speaker 1: up and caught out there. So did you ever have
Speaker 1: to be like I know I talked about relationships and
Speaker 1: all that, but like find yourself since I'm not here,
Speaker 1: and find yourself in God, not in me? Right, right?
Speaker 1: I have not had that experience so much being married. Um,
Speaker 1: you know, but you know, prior to marriage and going
Speaker 1: to your question about you know uh by you know
Speaker 1: our women or men in the church, you know he
Speaker 1: and not one of the reasons why that idea persist.
Speaker 1: And there is truth. There's truth in every stereotype and
Speaker 1: and usually truth in every rumor. Uh is that suppression? Right?
Speaker 1: So what happens in in religious communities? You know there's
Speaker 1: no healthy outlet to do what you won't do on
Speaker 1: this podcast you talk more things in sex, but you
Speaker 1: talk about sex, right, That's like it's like an outlet
Speaker 1: to talk about sex and talk about every aspect of
Speaker 1: it and in a non turtamental manner where where they
Speaker 1: are space, there's a safe space to talk about sex. Uh.
Speaker 1: The church is not to say it's the most unsafe
Speaker 1: space to talk about sex. Now, God made us all sexual, right,
Speaker 1: and and in in a church community, most of the
Speaker 1: time people are being taught to repress an aspect of
Speaker 1: their creation, and so in order to fit in and
Speaker 1: everyone's expectation, you go along with the presentation, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna talk about it. Hey, it doesn't exist. Oh, I
Speaker 1: give God the glory. You know, everything's good. God is
Speaker 1: good all the time. I'm good. Why are you doing? You?
Speaker 1: You and the your horny has ever nobody? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: no, no no no no no, don't don't know you sposed
Speaker 1: be holy over horning? Okay. The reality is, without an
Speaker 1: outlet to talk about these feelings doesn't mean you have
Speaker 1: to act on the feeling. Just talking about it, it's
Speaker 1: cathartic enough to be able to deal with it in
Speaker 1: a healthy way. Because the church seems to repress, those
Speaker 1: feelings get suppressed. And so when someone has been suppressing
Speaker 1: those sexual feelings and they get into an environment where
Speaker 1: they can let it out, a lot of times it
Speaker 1: goes to the extreme. You know, because again going back
Speaker 1: to what we talked about earlier, no one perfect person
Speaker 1: I believe to walk this earth was Jesus Christ himself.
Speaker 1: None of us are perfect. And so if I try
Speaker 1: to present, even as a minister, even as a person
Speaker 1: in the public, that hey, I've got it all together
Speaker 1: and no, no, no, I work on it, right, but
Speaker 1: I know who God created, and I got to do
Speaker 1: my work so I can be the best of the
Speaker 1: creation because if I don't do my work, this other
Speaker 1: thing and me is gonna gonna come out. And so yes,
Speaker 1: you're yes, there is some truth to that idea that
Speaker 1: you know, when you have repression, especially in religious communities,
Speaker 1: that that can come out and what we call man
Speaker 1: being real freaky certain situations because there has never been
Speaker 1: a healthy outlet, like a lip service, to talk about
Speaker 1: these things and to know how to deal with them.
Speaker 1: You can God create ahead too, so you can't act
Speaker 1: like it. There's everything too, and that's how we got here. Okay,
Speaker 1: but you know you you have that in the book.
Speaker 1: Anything that you suppress, you in power, right, and so
Speaker 1: it's kind of it's kind of like a damn bursting
Speaker 1: literally literally, and that's why work. Now. I want that
Speaker 1: damn you know what I mean? Like I want people
Speaker 1: unless Megan's okay, you're talking about the damn of spression.
Speaker 1: What is the difference between stage expectations and wow, where's
Speaker 1: your mind expect expectations, expectations and standards. What's the difference?
Speaker 1: So so so? An expectation is a strong belief that
Speaker 1: something will happen in the future. To me, standard is
Speaker 1: a is a commitment to how you want to live
Speaker 1: your life. Here is the danger when these two get mixed.
Speaker 1: Here's what I mean by that. I have certain ways
Speaker 1: that I have committed to living my life, certain disciplines,
Speaker 1: certain way I like to work out, what I like
Speaker 1: to eat. Those are how I like to work Those
Speaker 1: are my personal standards. It's dangerous when I treat my
Speaker 1: personal standard as an expectation for everybody else should operate,
Speaker 1: and then I judge them when they don't meet my
Speaker 1: standard the way that I do. It's okay for me
Speaker 1: to have standards and this because this works for me.
Speaker 1: But I talk about this in the book. Be careful
Speaker 1: when you project your standards onto others and then you
Speaker 1: judge them or vilify them because they don't meet them
Speaker 1: the same way. I don't want anybody else to make
Speaker 1: their standard. My standard is the same way. We should
Speaker 1: resist the temptation and do the same. So that's the
Speaker 1: real difference and expectation is a belief. It's a hope.
Speaker 1: It's an idea of like, Okay, here's what's within my
Speaker 1: control that I'm hoping for, that I'm working towards. That
Speaker 1: I am working towards right, And if I want to
Speaker 1: find out if somebody else will agree to that expectation,
Speaker 1: I have to communicate that to them. So let's say
Speaker 1: I have a standard. Let's go back to what the
Speaker 1: game posted. Let's say, as a woman, you have a standard.
Speaker 1: I want every and I go out wait to pay
Speaker 1: for me. Okay, that could be your standard? How you
Speaker 1: set that expectation through communication? Hey, before we're on the date,
Speaker 1: here's my expectation. Do you agree to that? Or no,
Speaker 1: oh you don't agree that, Okay, no problem. I don't
Speaker 1: want to take guys that don't pay or that's what
Speaker 1: I have. Here's my standard. I don't let any guy
Speaker 1: pay for me, period. Are you cool with that expectation?
Speaker 1: Because I don't want to get to dinner and then
Speaker 1: you come in there and you secretly pay the bill
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna leave because I don't like that stuff.
Speaker 1: Now that sounds crazy. I've never I'm gonna tell you why.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why. I think it sounds crazy
Speaker 1: because I'm thinking on the man's side, right, So say
Speaker 1: he already knows he's gonna pay or whatever the case.
Speaker 1: So he calls you up like, hey, you know today
Speaker 1: we're gonna ask t K right, We're going in a
Speaker 1: nice day. I'm gonna pick you up. Everything's gonna be great.
Speaker 1: You can order the lobster and get the shrimp skin,
Speaker 1: whatever you want to get. Lamb says, do what you
Speaker 1: wanna do. But at the end of the night, you're
Speaker 1: gonna suck this. Dick likes because I look at it
Speaker 1: like this, and I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: tell you why because as now, it might be one
Speaker 1: man that I go out, say it's two guys, right,
Speaker 1: and we do the same date, same thing, we're vibing
Speaker 1: with one of them. I might just want to feel
Speaker 1: like that. At the end of the night, it might
Speaker 1: be the other guy that I feel like I don't
Speaker 1: feel the connection there. So even if we have that conversation,
Speaker 1: to me personally, I'm a vide person. I'm a you know,
Speaker 1: or a person like when we get around each other,
Speaker 1: how are we laughing? Do we feel that? So just
Speaker 1: you chemistry, just you telling me or we talking, and
Speaker 1: even though we might be like, Okay, I get what
Speaker 1: you're saying, and I get what I'm saying, but when
Speaker 1: we get in at the table, it's awkward. And now
Speaker 1: we're not talking. So now you think I'm gonna suck
Speaker 1: your dick just because you told me at the beginning
Speaker 1: of this conversation after dinner. This is what you're used to,
Speaker 1: you know, And you can also always change your mind,
Speaker 1: and you can again because if not, that's rape and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna call the police. You But this is so good.
Speaker 1: This is so good again. We're talking about expectations and
Speaker 1: setting our expectations and and getting the power back right
Speaker 1: when you when you when you talk about nothing wrong
Speaker 1: with it. Everyone can live their life. What I would
Speaker 1: say is, has that way of operating producing the result
Speaker 1: you like, as far as working on based on like
Speaker 1: how my failings are working for me, only living in
Speaker 1: the vibe. I want to get a vibe. I don't
Speaker 1: want to over communicate. I just want to feel it out.
Speaker 1: If it has wonderful, but if it hasn't, maybe it's like,
Speaker 1: all right, are there some adjustments? I can make that
Speaker 1: I can communicate a little more clearly to just create
Speaker 1: a little bit more structure around what I want, because
Speaker 1: I vibed out a lot in the vibe without the communication. Okay,
Speaker 1: you know, my best cancel, there's no more vibe bag
Speaker 1: because there's these expectations, you know, to come up, and
Speaker 1: we didn't actually set a lay foundation of communication. When
Speaker 1: things start to get a little weird, I want to
Speaker 1: rely on the vibe. But the vibe has no structure,
Speaker 1: you know, and so our foundation has no structure. So
Speaker 1: when things get tough, we don't have the foundation to
Speaker 1: to dit to to get to talk about it. So
Speaker 1: again I understand the act. The idea that I'm presenting
Speaker 1: sounds completely before and I get it, and of course
Speaker 1: i'm painting in the most extreme example, but communicating what
Speaker 1: you want and being clear about it. I'm a firm
Speaker 1: believer in that, even if it's uncomfortable, because you know,
Speaker 1: what's more incomfortable investing time of your heart and your
Speaker 1: body and somebody that you thought was gonna give you
Speaker 1: something you may have wanted and then you realize didn't.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. Starting for Lobster, I mean I bought my
Speaker 1: whole list. But I do feel like sometimes when you're
Speaker 1: talking to somebody and you're just meeting them in the beginning,
Speaker 1: and we say this all the time, it's like you
Speaker 1: meet a representative. So sometimes a person, Yeah, they'll paint
Speaker 1: out a picture of somebody that they claim they are
Speaker 1: or they seem like they are. Even their expectations like oh,
Speaker 1: I want this and this is down in the thirty
Speaker 1: You may feel like you're on the same page, but
Speaker 1: once you really get to sit down, it's like, I
Speaker 1: thought you said this is you know, this is what
Speaker 1: you want it, and it's like not that at all,
Speaker 1: you know. But but what the beauty of that is
Speaker 1: when we set expectations and we communicate them, we then
Speaker 1: can have accountability. That's true, somebody accountable said you weren't,
Speaker 1: then why are you doing this this that I like,
Speaker 1: I said that you did, I got the messages here it.
Speaker 1: We want to say, okay, divine, but what's your tough
Speaker 1: couples And I've heard people talk about this a lot,
Speaker 1: where they're the amount of times that they have sex
Speaker 1: doesn't match up, Like sometimes one person wants to have
Speaker 1: sex three times a week, the other person is like,
Speaker 1: I'm good every other week, So what do you say?
Speaker 1: And that, like, how do you compromise? I'm in like
Speaker 1: every other week once. Now we gotta get a divorced.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry you didn't tell me that in the first day.
Speaker 1: I would tell couples, especially when it comes to sex
Speaker 1: and you are getting married first and foremost, one, you
Speaker 1: need to set expectations. But two, I would take every
Speaker 1: expectation off because here's what happens. And I talked about
Speaker 1: this in the book. When we're single, the issue of
Speaker 1: sex is not nearly a problem because there's there's less expectations.
Speaker 1: You don't even know this person, You're not where it's
Speaker 1: gonna go. No problem, right given sex, no problem. It
Speaker 1: is what it is. It see me, Shane's part of
Speaker 1: the process or whatever. When you get married, it's totally
Speaker 1: get involved in because now is the expectation. What does
Speaker 1: that mean? Okay, wait, now you're my husband, you're my wife.
Speaker 1: Oh I've been thinking about this my whole life. Now
Speaker 1: it's here. What does it mean? What am I supposed
Speaker 1: to do? And as a result, sex becomes much more
Speaker 1: complicated because there's so many more expectations to play. So
Speaker 1: I would really encourage a couple, Hey, go easy on
Speaker 1: each other, take the expectation off, and work to communicate
Speaker 1: and find the compromise. Everyone has a different sex drive,
Speaker 1: you know, and unless you happen to marry the person
Speaker 1: with the perfect sex drive, there's always going to be
Speaker 1: a compromise, you know. So it's like, all right, you know,
Speaker 1: he may want to do it twice a week and
Speaker 1: she's like I needed every day. Okay, great, let's just
Speaker 1: try to find the happy meaning we do it a
Speaker 1: couple of times a week. Okay, Right, you gotta just
Speaker 1: find the happy medium and compromise because if you don't
Speaker 1: do what, you're gonna drive each other crazy. And uh
Speaker 1: and also mind are is when, especially in marriage, if
Speaker 1: the sex isn't happening at the frequency that you want.
Speaker 1: A lot of it has to do with everything is
Speaker 1: half but outside the bedroom, you know, if there's some issues, resentments,
Speaker 1: things that didn't get discussed, the quality of your marriage
Speaker 1: usually is revealed and what does or doesn't happen in
Speaker 1: the bedroom. So if you're good at compromising, good at communication,
Speaker 1: then you can bring that into the bedroom and you
Speaker 1: can find the right communication. But if outside you feel
Speaker 1: like you know one spouse feels like they're giving more
Speaker 1: than the other, and then in the bedroom that spouse
Speaker 1: that keeps receiving and never giving, wants to keep receiving.
Speaker 1: One who's given say no, I don't know, I don't
Speaker 1: feel like doing that. I ain't in the move for that. No, no, no.
Speaker 1: When when you give me some equity out there, I
Speaker 1: think it's equition here. So I just to go easy
Speaker 1: and take the expectation off the bedroom and build it
Speaker 1: together so you can find what works for both of you.
Speaker 1: What about cheating in a relationship, Like, say you're in
Speaker 1: a committed relationship and somebody steps out, do you feel
Speaker 1: like that should be a deal breaker because maybe y'all
Speaker 1: spoke about things or whatever and they knew how you
Speaker 1: it's about that or whatever the case is. Or do
Speaker 1: you think that maybe that person made a mistake and
Speaker 1: it is that you can give them a chance, You
Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, what what do you feel
Speaker 1: about that? You know? My feeling is that in any
Speaker 1: situation where trust has been breached, first and foremost, there's
Speaker 1: no rule book. Every person in every relationship has to
Speaker 1: do what works best for them. What I would say is,
Speaker 1: if trust has been breached. You gotta get to the
Speaker 1: root of where is the cheating come from and why?
Speaker 1: And my experience, people sometimes stay in a relationship with
Speaker 1: us has been violated, not because it's what they want,
Speaker 1: because they feel expected to do it. And so for
Speaker 1: me personally, UM, I don't know what I would do,
Speaker 1: you know, if megan cheating on me, I don't know.
Speaker 1: I that's not even put that out there. That's not
Speaker 1: question like how do you deal with you? Right? Got
Speaker 1: to decide, you know, what works best for them. But
Speaker 1: you gotta get to the root of it. You know.
Speaker 1: I don't believe that it's it's unsalvageable if somebody cheats,
Speaker 1: you know, but it's a personal decision. You got to
Speaker 1: really do the work to say, Okay, well why did
Speaker 1: that happen, where did it come from? And can I
Speaker 1: get over it? If you're the person that was cheated on,
Speaker 1: and if you did the cheating, the one thing I
Speaker 1: would say is you don't get to set the terms
Speaker 1: for the for kiding. I feel like the cheating always
Speaker 1: wanted trying to set the terms. You like, I don't
Speaker 1: want to talk about this anymore. You gotta get over it.
Speaker 1: But let me after this as a man, because I
Speaker 1: feel like this right. I feel like as women, we
Speaker 1: always want to know all the details, like what happened?
Speaker 1: This is and that we want to talk to the
Speaker 1: other one, like all that stuff. Would you want to
Speaker 1: know all the details? You think it's better to not
Speaker 1: have those moments in your head forever. Here's what I
Speaker 1: would say. I would say that, did you look like
Speaker 1: you just got cheated on? I don't like space mentally
Speaker 1: face like, no, ain't no cheap that going on over
Speaker 1: here on either. But But the reason why I pause
Speaker 1: and really got pensive is because this is an issue
Speaker 1: so many people deal with. You know and and and
Speaker 1: how much facts? How many of the facts do you
Speaker 1: need to know? And what don't you need to know?
Speaker 1: You know? Because what happens is what you don't know
Speaker 1: can drive you crazy. M h. But if you know,
Speaker 1: you go so so. I think that some details are important.
Speaker 1: Detail you know? Um, But I would I would resist
Speaker 1: temptation ask so many things that then you're just it
Speaker 1: drives you crazy, asking enough so you can get a
Speaker 1: clear picture of why it happened. But I would exist
Speaker 1: the temptation that has so much that you could never
Speaker 1: repair it, because you're you're replaying all the details in
Speaker 1: your head, right. And I also felt like, and I
Speaker 1: know this might sounds sick as fuck, but I also
Speaker 1: felt like that's what makes the person believe that they
Speaker 1: can get away with those things. Like if they tell you, like,
Speaker 1: you know what, we had sex without a condom and
Speaker 1: you ultimately forgive them and they do it again, that
Speaker 1: was like, well, you know, last time. I feel like,
Speaker 1: I know I made a mistake, but you forgave me
Speaker 1: last time. Like literally, I was in a relationship and
Speaker 1: the guy said to me, we broke up obviously, but
Speaker 1: he said to me like, well, in the beginning, like
Speaker 1: you dealt with this. So when it was when we
Speaker 1: started transitioning into like a real serious relationship, I didn't
Speaker 1: think that it was that serious of a deal because
Speaker 1: I felt like, you got over it, you know the
Speaker 1: vibes girl, the vibes came back, Well that that wasn't
Speaker 1: a vibe situation. That was my friend. He was a
Speaker 1: friend that turned into somebody. I said, the dating eventually
Speaker 1: and that was a mistake too. But like he would
Speaker 1: say that, he would be like, well, you dealt with
Speaker 1: it before, so what what doesn't matter now? And it's like,
Speaker 1: because I grew up and it's been mad years and
Speaker 1: we're tighter now, everything is different, and I I communicated
Speaker 1: with him, but he still used it as an excuse. Right.
Speaker 1: But because early in the in the dynamic, sounds like
Speaker 1: expectation was said that maybe you know it was was incorrect,
Speaker 1: you know, the expectation of like, oh, she'll ride with
Speaker 1: me through whatever. That's not what you were actually saying.
Speaker 1: It's like, no, I'm gonna give you a moment of grace,
Speaker 1: but don't mistake my kindness for weakness, right, I know,
Speaker 1: to die, I would tell you I am not a rider. Die. Okay,
Speaker 1: you could die if you decide to let somebody else
Speaker 1: ride on you, if you know, let me out. I
Speaker 1: like to ride, but I don't want to die, baby, Okay,
Speaker 1: she wrote you. Now it's not for you to die.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, look, Divine has to go. But I
Speaker 1: do appreciate the fact that you took good time. I
Speaker 1: have to talk with us, and we're so excited. I
Speaker 1: got a chance to read part of the book already,
Speaker 1: so I'm already read thinking some of the ways that
Speaker 1: I act in life. And I've also been paying attention
Speaker 1: to your singles conversations that you've been having on Instagram
Speaker 1: as well. So that's what I need to tune into.
Speaker 1: So put me on because I wasn't tell me about
Speaker 1: the singles conversations, so other people like me can join
Speaker 1: and you have a single. I mean I've been doing
Speaker 1: singles zooms, zooms for singles and it's been amazing. I mean,
Speaker 1: people from all over the world, all races, all ages,
Speaker 1: you know, coming into the zoom. We've spend a little
Speaker 1: bit more than hour. It's amazing because you know, singleness
Speaker 1: is a hard walk. I remember how difficult it was
Speaker 1: before I got married, and you always feel there's a
Speaker 1: community around singles. You know, there's a community around relationships
Speaker 1: and marriage, but not communities around singles. So you know,
Speaker 1: we're going to do to help promote free but also
Speaker 1: to really encourage singles in their walk, give them information,
Speaker 1: give them tips and tools and most encouragement. You know
Speaker 1: it's gonna be all right, You're gonna make it through.
Speaker 1: And uh, it's been amazing. So we've been doing the
Speaker 1: very week leading up to the bull and he seen
Speaker 1: during this pandemic because it's been tough, even tougher being
Speaker 1: for people who are single during the gonna pull out, right, yeah,
Speaker 1: we pull it out. I think I'm almost over being single.
Speaker 1: It's fun, but I'm bored now. I worked too much.
Speaker 1: I'm married to my job. I like money. So if
Speaker 1: somebody could fit into the end between, then that schools.
Speaker 1: But otherwise, yeah, I don't have no time. Mama tid Well.
Speaker 1: Divine as always be really appreciate. People always are like,
Speaker 1: Divine's gonna do lip service. I'm like, yes, yeah, it's
Speaker 1: not a problem. He doesn't mind discussing anything. And he
Speaker 1: was just talking about getting heads. So we'll make sure
Speaker 1: we make that the headline the headline. But you know, listen,
Speaker 1: people have these expectations of Divine that he won't do
Speaker 1: lift service, and look at him breaking that. Hey, that's it.
Speaker 1: You live in free, You live in free, free, free drinking.
Speaker 1: Helly on y'all for having me appreciate. Thank you so
Speaker 1: much for coming. Let's service