WEBVTT - 4 Differences Between Toxic Vs Healthy Relationships and 6 Steps to Make the Shift No Matter Where You Are in Your Journey 0:00:00.480 --> 0:00:03.200 At the start, we want someone who keeps us at 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:05.280 the edge of our seats. But long term, what we 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:07.680 really want is someone that we can get cozy with 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:10.160 on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right, Well, you 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:12.480 want in a relationship is netflix and chill. You want 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:15.520 to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy 0:00:15.560 --> 0:00:17.919 on the couch. But you're setting your relationship up to 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:20.599 be always nail biting at the edge of the sea. 0:00:20.800 --> 0:00:22.960 But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't 0:00:23.000 --> 0:00:31.840 what you're trying to grow. Hey, everyone, welcome back to 0:00:32.000 --> 0:00:35.120 On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 0:00:35.200 --> 0:00:37.080 Thanks to each and every one of you that come 0:00:37.159 --> 0:00:41.199 back every week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you 0:00:41.320 --> 0:00:44.800 so much to everyone who's subscribing, who's leaving reviews. It's 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:49.640 making a huge difference to new listeners finding us, connecting 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:51.839 with us, and it means the world to me that 0:00:51.880 --> 0:00:54.240 you're taking time to do that. Thank you, thank you, 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:57.000 thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot express my 0:00:57.040 --> 0:01:00.680 gratitude enough. I want to dive into today's topic because 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:04.280 the amount of friends I've had in the last couple 0:01:04.319 --> 0:01:06.480 of weeks, couple of months that have been talking to 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:11.040 me about the challenges they've had in relationships, a lot 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:17.039 of toxic behavior, unhealthy traits and characteristics. And I'm sure, 0:01:17.200 --> 0:01:19.399 as you're listening right now, if you haven't been through this, 0:01:19.560 --> 0:01:21.440 you have a friend who's going to need to listen 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:23.800 to this. And I hope that you'll pass this one 0:01:23.840 --> 0:01:28.119 on because so many of us are suffering for longer 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.320 than we need to. So many of us are making 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:34.760 choices that are not great for us, or are struggling 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:38.120 to make a choice that would actually help us. And 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:43.559 often I find that people stay in toxic, difficult relationships 0:01:43.880 --> 0:01:45.920 for longer than they need to. By the way, this 0:01:46.000 --> 0:01:48.400 even applies to work. If you think about how long 0:01:48.480 --> 0:01:51.720 someone takes to actually quit their job or move on 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:55.480 or ask for a promotion, it's usually six to twelve months, 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:57.640 longer than it actually needs to be. How many times 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:00.760 have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving, 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:04.640 but you stayed for another six to twelve months, only 0:02:04.720 --> 0:02:08.600 to feel the same way throughout that entire period. So, 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:13.000 whether this is about you finding the right person, a 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:16.480 genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping 0:02:16.480 --> 0:02:20.639 you move away from something or someone that isn't serving you. 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:24.320 I really hope that it gives you the courage and 0:02:24.400 --> 0:02:28.840 strength to make the decisions that you need in order 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:33.040 to move towards healthy love. Now, I want to talk 0:02:33.080 --> 0:02:36.960 about this term healthy love because I think for a 0:02:37.000 --> 0:02:39.480 long time we talked about the one, we talked about 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:42.760 the right person, we talk about the wrong person, we 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:47.920 talk about you know, your soulmate. And I like the 0:02:47.960 --> 0:02:52.600 word healthy love because it makes us believe that it's positive, 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:56.400 it's good. But when we know that there's healthy love, 0:02:56.440 --> 0:02:59.040 we also accept that there may be parts of it 0:02:59.080 --> 0:03:01.680 that are unhealthy. Right, if you have a healthy diet, 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:06.320 you know that's because you're choosing the things that are 0:03:06.320 --> 0:03:08.880 good for you, which is the same with healthy love. 0:03:08.919 --> 0:03:14.200 It's about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type 0:03:14.480 --> 0:03:17.000 that is good for you in a relationship. That doesn't 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:19.960 mean there are not unhealthy parts to it. That doesn't 0:03:20.000 --> 0:03:22.840 mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it. And so 0:03:22.919 --> 0:03:25.280 I like to move away from this idea of the 0:03:25.280 --> 0:03:28.160 perfect one or the one or the soul may or 0:03:28.840 --> 0:03:32.480 you know, the right person, because that kind of makes 0:03:32.560 --> 0:03:36.840 us believe that there's this ready made person off the shelf, 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:40.920 almost like a ken doll. Or a Barbie doll that 0:03:41.040 --> 0:03:46.240 is perfect as it is in its casing, whereas healthy 0:03:46.280 --> 0:03:48.600 love means oh, I have to make choices, we have 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:52.440 to make decisions, we have to actually create healthy habits 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:57.880 in order to have a healthy relationship. So today I 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:00.000 want to talk about the differences and how to actually 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:02.680 develop them and build them and grow them. And I 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:08.040 want to start off by talking about the toxic trait 0:04:08.880 --> 0:04:15.120 of over reliance on one person for everything. That the 0:04:15.160 --> 0:04:19.440 one person is the only person you go to for 0:04:19.640 --> 0:04:23.400 all your needs. So that works in one of two ways. 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:27.440 Either you're the person that your partner goes to for 0:04:27.560 --> 0:04:31.520 all of their needs, or you're the person who goes 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:35.440 to your partner for all of your needs. And I 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:38.520 found that this has been one of the most challenging 0:04:38.600 --> 0:04:43.719 things in a relationship. Now, if your partner comes to 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:47.120 you for all of their needs, often that can actually 0:04:47.120 --> 0:04:50.159 be quite fun in the beginning, because you start to 0:04:50.200 --> 0:04:54.279 feel powerful, you start to feel needed, you start to 0:04:54.320 --> 0:04:57.839 feel useful. And who doesn't want to feel useful? Who 0:04:57.839 --> 0:05:00.520 doesn't want to feel like they have all the the answers? 0:05:00.560 --> 0:05:05.520 We all enjoyed that idea that our partner is dependent 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:08.320 on us in the beginning because it feels like we 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:10.839 have something to offer. It boosts our self esteem, it 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:13.440 gives us an ego boost, and it gives us a 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:16.200 sense of power and control. And so what's really interesting 0:05:16.279 --> 0:05:18.400 is that we do it for the first month, we 0:05:18.480 --> 0:05:20.360 may even do it for the first couple of months, 0:05:20.640 --> 0:05:23.400 and then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think, 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:26.120 wait a minute, this person is just relying on me 0:05:26.279 --> 0:05:30.320 to carry them. We're just being completely relied on to 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:34.000 carry the relationship. And then we may push back, we 0:05:34.120 --> 0:05:37.160 may have an honest conversation, and now the other person 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:40.359 is feeling wait a minute, but I showed you that 0:05:40.440 --> 0:05:42.880 from the beginning, and you gave me the space, and 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:46.440 now you're taking it away. It almost feels like you're 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:51.000 hijacking what you first offered to this individual, and that 0:05:51.080 --> 0:05:54.520 person now is feeling hard done by. You're now upset 0:05:54.600 --> 0:05:58.480 because you feel like you've been used and everything falls 0:05:58.520 --> 0:06:01.240 on you. And then now upset because they said, well, 0:06:01.240 --> 0:06:02.760 wait a minute, you did it at the start. Why 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:04.800 are you not doing it right now? How many of 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:07.920 you have ever been in this position before. I'm guessing 0:06:07.960 --> 0:06:10.400 there's a fair few of you. Now, what do you 0:06:10.440 --> 0:06:14.440 do in that situation. In that situation, if you're already 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:16.400 there and you're like, well, Jay, I wish I knew 0:06:16.400 --> 0:06:21.640 that before I started setting a precedence, started setting a standard. 0:06:22.200 --> 0:06:24.479 If you've already set the standards, it's about setting a 0:06:24.520 --> 0:06:28.359 new standard. And this is a great relationship tool. I 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:30.200 think one of the things that we don't do enough 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:34.000 in relationships, whether we're dating, whether you're committed, whether you're married, 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:37.040 whatever it may be, in a long term relationship is 0:06:37.200 --> 0:06:45.280 resetting agreements, resetting standards, and redefining where you're at and 0:06:45.320 --> 0:06:48.560 how you work on things. I think we often go to, well, 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:50.800 we've always done it that way. It's been like that 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:54.160 since we started dating. You've been the same person. I'm 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:57.480 the same person. We say things like that, not realizing 0:06:57.520 --> 0:07:00.839 that there's always growth going on and there's a need 0:07:00.920 --> 0:07:05.359 to re establish boundaries, re establish agreements, and this is 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:08.240 a great opportunity to do that. Now. If you're in 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:11.880 a position where you are the one who takes all 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:15.520 your problems to them, maybe you're the one who has 0:07:15.560 --> 0:07:21.280 struggled with finding people in your life to help you grow, 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.200 and now when you've found this person, you're saying to yourself. 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:26.280 I'm just going to go to them for everything. Oh 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:29.120 my gosh, they're so smart, Oh my gosh, they're so strong, 0:07:29.320 --> 0:07:31.400 Oh my gosh, they're so self aware. And all of 0:07:31.400 --> 0:07:34.280 a sudden, you get so consumed and wrapped up in 0:07:34.320 --> 0:07:37.680 this person that they become your be all and end all. 0:07:38.320 --> 0:07:40.360 Maybe you're in that position right now. If you are 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:43.400 in that position, here's what I want you to think about. 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:46.880 I want you to take a moment to just close 0:07:46.880 --> 0:07:48.840 your eyes for a second. Of course, if you're driving, 0:07:48.880 --> 0:07:50.920 do not do this. If you're cooking, do not do this. 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:52.920 Take a moment to do it afterwards. And if you 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:54.360 can't close your eyes, you can do this with your 0:07:54.400 --> 0:07:56.520 eyes open. But here's what I want you to do. 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:01.960 Take a moment to think of who's the first person 0:08:02.000 --> 0:08:05.200 who comes to your mind when you think of the 0:08:05.240 --> 0:08:11.240 most caring person in the world towards you, Someone who 0:08:11.320 --> 0:08:17.920 cares about you the most. They're nurturing, they have that supportive, 0:08:18.400 --> 0:08:26.680 compassionate disposition towards you. They'll only care about your health 0:08:26.720 --> 0:08:30.640 and well being. Who's the first person that comes to 0:08:30.680 --> 0:08:34.120 your mind, the person that cares about you the most. 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:39.400 Chances are it isn't even the person that you're with. 0:08:40.559 --> 0:08:42.600 That's not a bad thing. Often people think, well, my 0:08:42.640 --> 0:08:46.000 partner should be that person. They might not be. There 0:08:46.000 --> 0:08:47.600 may be someone who trumps them. There may be someone 0:08:47.600 --> 0:08:53.960 who's done it for longer. Remember this person. Okay, second reflection, 0:08:56.040 --> 0:09:01.040 who is the most consistent person in your life? Someone 0:09:01.120 --> 0:09:05.440 who's always been there for you, someone who's always been 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:08.480 by your side. Maybe they've lived life with you for 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:13.000 a long long time. They've been consistent. Maybe you went 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:18.040 to school together, maybe you grew up together. They're not 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.840 the most caring person in your life, but they are 0:09:20.920 --> 0:09:24.880 the most consistent. They're always around when you need them. 0:09:24.880 --> 0:09:28.920 And chances are that isn't your partner either. Now, think 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:33.000 about an area of your life. You may be struggling, 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:37.600 or you may have questions, And who's the most competent person. 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:41.840 Who's someone who you know is great at getting their 0:09:41.880 --> 0:09:45.440 taxes done right their accounts. Who do you know who's 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:49.640 really great at fitness and health in your circle? Who 0:09:49.679 --> 0:09:53.880 do you know that's really organized and focused and driven 0:09:53.920 --> 0:09:58.280 towards their goals. It doesn't have to be your partner. 0:09:58.360 --> 0:10:02.160 Your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind? 0:10:03.480 --> 0:10:08.040 And finally, who's someone that comes in terms of high characters, 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:12.319 someone who's always living with the right morals and ethics, 0:10:12.400 --> 0:10:15.520 someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance. 0:10:16.120 --> 0:10:18.360 Someone in your life who carries them in a certain way. 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:24.320 These are the four types of people that create our 0:10:24.480 --> 0:10:28.680 council for life, the caring one, the consistent one, the 0:10:28.720 --> 0:10:31.920 competent one, and the one with character. There may have 0:10:32.000 --> 0:10:34.559 been different faces that came to your mind for all 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:37.520 of them. Some of these people you may already know 0:10:37.559 --> 0:10:39.920 and have a relationship with. Some of these people you 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:41.680 may have had one with before and you need to 0:10:41.679 --> 0:10:45.880 re engage with. But it's so important, it's so needed 0:10:45.920 --> 0:10:53.720 for us to develop a council around us instead of 0:10:53.760 --> 0:10:58.960 depending on one person for everything. If we create an 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:03.680 over dependence on one person, we have to live with 0:11:04.720 --> 0:11:07.760 feeling completely alone if and when they have a leave, 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:11.840 or if we feel like leaving them. So many of 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:15.120 us stay with people who are not good for us 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:20.920 because of how scared we'll feel or how bad will 0:11:20.960 --> 0:11:25.000 feel being alone. So many of us stay with people 0:11:25.080 --> 0:11:28.640 that are not good for us because we're scared of 0:11:28.760 --> 0:11:33.600 how bad will feel if we're left alone. And the 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:36.320 only way to overcome that is to create this council 0:11:36.440 --> 0:11:41.480 and to not lose it at any point in your relationship. Now, 0:11:41.960 --> 0:11:45.319 another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:51.800 idea of trying to change someone. I have always believed 0:11:51.840 --> 0:11:58.679 that people don't change for people, They change for themselves. Right, 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:02.960 people don't change for you, They don't change for their ex. 0:12:02.960 --> 0:12:04.920 They don't change for the next person. They don't change 0:12:04.920 --> 0:12:07.760 for a family member. They change for themselves because they 0:12:07.920 --> 0:12:11.320 feel a certain regret which may be inspired by a 0:12:11.360 --> 0:12:14.760 family member. But I think what's really interesting is that 0:12:15.360 --> 0:12:18.960 when we're trying to change someone, often we're trying to 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:22.920 change them to be like us. And I want you 0:12:22.960 --> 0:12:24.720 to really sit there and reflect on this. Do you 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:29.240 really want to be with yourself? If we're organized, we 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:31.400 want our partners to be more organized. If we're spontaneous, 0:12:31.400 --> 0:12:33.400 we want our partner to be more spontaneous. If we're 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:35.600 thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:39.040 about birthdays. If we're always planning the weekend, we want 0:12:39.040 --> 0:12:41.400 our partners to plan the weekends. We want our partners 0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:46.199 to be us. But we have to really ask ourselves, 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:49.160 do we really truly want our partners to be us. 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:52.199 I'll give an example in my own life that's really 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:54.800 stood out to me. So I'm quite the organizer planner. 0:12:55.840 --> 0:12:59.800 And when it comes to me and RADI, I realize 0:12:59.800 --> 0:13:02.240 that if I make a plan for Saturday, rather will 0:13:02.280 --> 0:13:05.560 happily go along. She'll be so positive about it, she'll 0:13:05.559 --> 0:13:07.839 have a great time. She might be a little bit late, 0:13:07.920 --> 0:13:10.520 she might have a few things that come up, but 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:13.440 she'll commit to my plan and she'll have a great time. Now, 0:13:13.480 --> 0:13:16.480 if she made a plan, I may go along with it, 0:13:16.520 --> 0:13:19.120 but I'll have my own thoughts about it. I will 0:13:19.240 --> 0:13:21.000 question now say, oh, we should have done this first, 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:24.480 we could have done that. Now, that's my kind of 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:27.880 way of thinking, because I'm such an organizer planner. And 0:13:27.920 --> 0:13:30.760 it's really interesting because I've realized how lucky I am 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:34.640 to be with someone who's always happy to go along 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.720 with my plans and is flexible, and and I've realized 0:13:38.720 --> 0:13:40.679 that I need to be more that way. So it's 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:43.160 really interesting. We want our partners to be like us, 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:45.840 but actually, have we ever thought about needing to be 0:13:45.880 --> 0:13:49.840 more like them or let them be them and we 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:53.200 be ourselves? Right? It's so interesting to me about how 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:56.000 we think, Oh, well, they're not ambitious enough. I'm so ambitious. 0:13:57.000 --> 0:13:59.760 It's really interesting. Do you really want to date yourself? 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:01.880 That's the question I wanted to answer. Do you really 0:14:02.040 --> 0:14:04.840 really truly believe you'd be happy if you were with 0:14:04.920 --> 0:14:06.959 someone who is exactly like you? Because I know I 0:14:07.040 --> 0:14:10.240 wouldn't be I don't want to date someone like me. 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:16.440 And it's really amazing how much time we waste trying 0:14:16.480 --> 0:14:22.000 to mold someone into a version of ourselves. Now, let's 0:14:22.000 --> 0:14:25.080 say someone's trying to change you. We all know what 0:14:25.120 --> 0:14:28.320 that feels like. It's really interesting. We often try and 0:14:28.360 --> 0:14:30.520 change other people, but when people try and change us, 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:33.960 we know exactly how it feels and how we would 0:14:33.960 --> 0:14:36.600 never want to feel that way. And I think what's 0:14:36.640 --> 0:14:41.320 really important about this is being clear about our desires 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:45.920 upfront and making sure that the person you're starting to like, 0:14:46.160 --> 0:14:49.160 or you're dating, or you're connecting with is open with 0:14:49.280 --> 0:14:51.560 you about what they truly want. Now, I'm not talking 0:14:51.600 --> 0:14:53.440 about talking about how many kids you want on the 0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:57.640 first day. I'm talking about really being clear and aware 0:14:57.680 --> 0:15:01.320 of what someone's priorities are, rather than thinking about what 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:06.640 their potential is. Right, focus on someone's priorities, not their potential. 0:15:06.760 --> 0:15:09.240 Is their priority to get the next job? Is their priority? 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:12.280 To be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven? 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:16.600 Is their priority? You? Is their priority? Their family? What 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:20.520 is their priority? This is not about what their goals are. 0:15:20.600 --> 0:15:22.640 Often we say, like, what are people's goals? And that's 0:15:22.680 --> 0:15:24.840 an awkward question to ask someone, right like what are 0:15:24.880 --> 0:15:27.600 your goals for this quarter? What are your goals for 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:29.440 the next quarter? What are your goals for the next 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.640 five years? I know so many people who hate that 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:36.240 interview question. But you can tell by someone's priorities what 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:39.560 their goals are, what is their calendar full of how 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.680 do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings, 0:15:43.520 --> 0:15:47.680 and recognize that that also comes with a choice. If 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.640 someone's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work. 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:53.320 If that person's driven and ambitious, they may have less 0:15:53.320 --> 0:15:55.280 time for you. If that's what you're saying you want. 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:58.480 I think it's such an important thing to be clear 0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:02.320 with other people about your priorities when you first meet them, 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:07.520 and observe their priorities too. Observe the language they use, 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:11.240 the vocabulary they use, and how they make choices about 0:16:11.280 --> 0:16:14.400 their priorities, especially when it comes down to like making 0:16:14.440 --> 0:16:17.880 a really clear choice between two things or an unclear 0:16:17.960 --> 0:16:20.920 choice between two things. Watch what they pick. And I 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:23.480 think so many of us, you know, I had to think, 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:26.240 oh yeah, but they'll change that, Oh yeah, they'll come around, 0:16:26.400 --> 0:16:29.320 Oh yeah, it's not really important to them. And then 0:16:29.680 --> 0:16:32.760 later on we're thinking, Wow, I can't believe that they 0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:36.600 were always like that. It was always that way. Now. 0:16:37.640 --> 0:16:39.760 The third toxic trait I wanted to discuss with you 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:45.560 all was playing games. If someone's playing power games with you, 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:51.920 if someone's playing interest games with you, if someone's playing 0:16:51.960 --> 0:16:54.640 games with you by being hot and cold all the time, 0:16:55.840 --> 0:16:58.560 or if you're doing that with someone, notice and know 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:02.720 that that's last every time things get tough, that's what 0:17:02.840 --> 0:17:05.560 you're gonna revert to, because that's become your method of 0:17:05.640 --> 0:17:09.320 dealing with conflict. People don't just play games. Playing games 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:13.560 becomes people's way of gaining power and what they do 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:16.280 when they lose power. And if that's the game you've 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:19.280 already started to play, then that's the game you will 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:23.560 continue to play. I think people don't realize how relationships 0:17:23.600 --> 0:17:26.399 really get set in stone very early on the rules 0:17:26.440 --> 0:17:29.439 of a relationship get set in stone very very early on, 0:17:30.200 --> 0:17:33.840 just by behavior, not even by what you say, and 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:37.560 then that becomes the status quo and how that relationship 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:42.480 operates for a long long time after. So I want 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:44.600 you to notice, is the person hot and cold? Is 0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:47.040 the person playing games? And at the start feels exciting 0:17:47.080 --> 0:17:51.639 because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety, and 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:53.880 then you get the security and safety and that kind 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:58.359 of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:03.640 excitement and nerve. Like that's exciting, That is really really enthralling. 0:18:03.680 --> 0:18:06.439 In the beginning, we think we're at the edge of 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:10.960 our seats at the start. We want someone who keeps 0:18:11.000 --> 0:18:14.160 us at the edge of our seats. The long term, 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:16.760 what we really want is someone that we can get 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:19.560 cozy with on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right, 0:18:19.600 --> 0:18:21.840 that's what you really want. What you want in a 0:18:21.880 --> 0:18:24.080 relationship is Netflix and chill. You want to be able 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:27.439 to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch. 0:18:28.280 --> 0:18:30.880 But you're setting your relationship up to be always nail 0:18:30.880 --> 0:18:33.760 biting at the edge of the sea. But that isn't 0:18:33.920 --> 0:18:35.800 what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:39.359 to grow. So what you really want to do is 0:18:39.560 --> 0:18:43.760 establish playing as a team. You want to establish someone 0:18:43.800 --> 0:18:48.040 who says we and us, not you and me. You 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:51.960 want to establish a feeling of we're solving this together, 0:18:52.000 --> 0:18:54.560 we're going through this together, we're figuring this out together, 0:18:54.600 --> 0:19:00.440 where we're understanding this together, not oh yeah i'm feeling 0:19:00.480 --> 0:19:02.920 it today, Oh yeah, you're doing this right. Like that 0:19:03.000 --> 0:19:07.360 kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand. 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:10.040 One of the most interesting things or a method of 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:12.920 playing games which people are even unaware of, is when 0:19:12.960 --> 0:19:17.240 someone tells you how you should feel. Someone says to you, oh, 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:20.679 you are really into me, you just don't know it yet, 0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:24.080 or someone says to you something like, oh, yeah, you know, 0:19:24.160 --> 0:19:26.720 if you decide to move on, or if you decide 0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:29.600 to not pursue this, you're going to regret it later. 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:34.480 Someone's telling you how to feel, that's a toxic trait. 0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:39.080 If someone is telling you how to behave with them, 0:19:39.600 --> 0:19:42.720 that's a toxic trait. If someone's telling you I don't 0:19:42.760 --> 0:19:46.040 think you understand how you're feeling right now, this is 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:51.640 how you're feeling, that's unhealthy. A healthy relationship is where 0:19:51.680 --> 0:19:56.080 someone asks you, how are you feeling. An unhealthy relationship 0:19:56.320 --> 0:19:59.280 is where someone tells you how you're feeling. No, it's 0:19:59.320 --> 0:20:04.119 the difference. It's very subtle, right. An untoxic relationship is 0:20:04.119 --> 0:20:06.480 where someone says to you, how are you feeling today. 0:20:07.240 --> 0:20:10.720 A toxic relationship is where someone says to you, this 0:20:10.800 --> 0:20:13.560 is how you're feeling. And in the beginning it can 0:20:13.600 --> 0:20:15.960 be really comforting. You can feel like, Wow, this person 0:20:16.040 --> 0:20:20.200 really understands me, like they really know me. But if 0:20:20.240 --> 0:20:23.280 they're telling you, look, this is how you really feel, 0:20:23.359 --> 0:20:25.560 You're not really tired. Come on out anyway, You're not 0:20:25.600 --> 0:20:27.520 really this, Come on out anyway. Now. I'm not saying 0:20:27.520 --> 0:20:29.360 you break up with someone over this, but you've got 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:32.600 to start to be observant of what you're sayting. Now. 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:34.320 I'm not saying to even turn this into an argument. 0:20:34.359 --> 0:20:35.760 You could just say to someone, hey, I know how 0:20:35.800 --> 0:20:38.040 I feel. I'm just telling you how I feel. I 0:20:38.080 --> 0:20:39.960 just want to let you know that. And that may 0:20:40.000 --> 0:20:42.520 be totally fine, because that person may be used to 0:20:42.920 --> 0:20:45.520 trying to read between the lines or trying to prove 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:47.840 their worth that way as well. You've got to understand 0:20:47.880 --> 0:20:54.359 that the traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:58.679 on our own past trauma, our own past experiences, our 0:20:58.720 --> 0:21:02.080 own past emotion, like it's not coming from nowhere. And 0:21:02.119 --> 0:21:04.399 so it's almost like you've got two sets of trauma, 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:10.560 you've got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right, 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:14.080 instead of both people trying to make peace. And I 0:21:14.080 --> 0:21:17.600 think that's what's really interesting is that relationships are often 0:21:17.720 --> 0:21:22.040 chasing pleasure, and in chasing pleasure, they become about power. 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:29.000 But really what relationships, healthy relationships are about pursuing peace? Right, 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:35.600 An unhealthy relationship chases power, a healthy relationship chases peace. 0:21:36.600 --> 0:21:40.080 Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you 0:21:40.160 --> 0:21:44.679 pursuing power over your partner? That's the question. Are you 0:21:44.720 --> 0:21:49.040 pursuing peace with your partner or are you chasing power 0:21:49.520 --> 0:21:52.280 over your partner? Or is your partner chasing power over you? 0:21:53.000 --> 0:21:58.480 It's about pursuing peace together. Piece is a really underrated value. 0:21:59.080 --> 0:22:02.000 I'm telling you right now. Was so addicted to pleasure, 0:22:02.040 --> 0:22:05.520 were so addicted to that dopamine, were so addicted to 0:22:05.680 --> 0:22:12.440 that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss, 0:22:12.520 --> 0:22:17.160 that we miss out on this deep search for a 0:22:17.200 --> 0:22:22.520 feeling of peace and groundedness. The next rait I wanted 0:22:22.560 --> 0:22:28.240 to talk about was unhealthy way is when you lose 0:22:28.359 --> 0:22:32.360 your own identity with the other person as opposed to 0:22:32.440 --> 0:22:37.880 discovering your identity through the other person. So a lot 0:22:37.880 --> 0:22:43.640 of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship 0:22:44.280 --> 0:22:47.439 that we lose ourselves in the relationship. And what I 0:22:47.440 --> 0:22:50.239 mean by that is our identity becomes one of just 0:22:50.280 --> 0:22:54.040 being together. Forgetting that, you have an identity separate, you 0:22:54.080 --> 0:22:56.720 have friendship separate, you have interests that are separate. Right, 0:22:57.000 --> 0:23:03.320 Your identity comes with individuals, It comes with interests, and 0:23:03.720 --> 0:23:09.280 it comes with independence. And when that interest turns into 0:23:09.320 --> 0:23:14.560 only joint interests, when that individuals turns into only friends 0:23:14.560 --> 0:23:18.560 that you both get along with, and when that independence 0:23:18.560 --> 0:23:21.880 turns into codependence, that's where a lot of our challenges 0:23:21.920 --> 0:23:25.159 come in relationships. So I want to ask you right now, 0:23:25.440 --> 0:23:28.639 who are the individuals, what are the interests? And what 0:23:28.760 --> 0:23:31.080 is the independence that you don't want to lose in 0:23:31.119 --> 0:23:33.520 a relationship that you don't want to sacrifice And by 0:23:33.560 --> 0:23:37.200 the way, no one's making you sacrifice it. We voluntarily 0:23:37.240 --> 0:23:39.600 give it up and then we get upset and blame 0:23:39.600 --> 0:23:42.399 it on the other person. We get wrapped up in 0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:45.000 a relationship, and I want you to encourage your partner 0:23:45.040 --> 0:23:47.480 to do the same again. At the beginning of a relationship, 0:23:47.680 --> 0:23:50.000 it can feel really exciting when the person says, Oh, 0:23:50.000 --> 0:23:51.360 I'm not going to see my friends, I just want 0:23:51.400 --> 0:23:53.600 to see you. I'm not going to see my family. 0:23:53.640 --> 0:23:55.600