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Speaker 1: At the start, we want someone who keeps us at

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Speaker 1: the edge of our seats. But long term, what we

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Speaker 1: really want is someone that we can get cozy with

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Speaker 1: on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right, Well, you

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Speaker 1: want in a relationship is netflix and chill. You want

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Speaker 1: to be able to hang back, be lazy, be cozy

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Speaker 1: on the couch. But you're setting your relationship up to

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Speaker 1: be always nail biting at the edge of the sea.

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Speaker 1: But that isn't what you're trying to build. That isn't

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Speaker 1: what you're trying to grow. Hey, everyone, welcome back to

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Speaker 1: On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world.

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Speaker 1: Thanks to each and every one of you that come

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Speaker 1: back every week to listen, learn and grow. Thank you

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Speaker 1: so much to everyone who's subscribing, who's leaving reviews. It's

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Speaker 1: making a huge difference to new listeners finding us, connecting

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Speaker 1: with us, and it means the world to me that

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Speaker 1: you're taking time to do that. Thank you, thank you,

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Speaker 1: thank you, thank you, thank you. I cannot express my

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Speaker 1: gratitude enough. I want to dive into today's topic because

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Speaker 1: the amount of friends I've had in the last couple

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Speaker 1: of weeks, couple of months that have been talking to

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Speaker 1: me about the challenges they've had in relationships, a lot

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Speaker 1: of toxic behavior, unhealthy traits and characteristics. And I'm sure,

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Speaker 1: as you're listening right now, if you haven't been through this,

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Speaker 1: you have a friend who's going to need to listen

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Speaker 1: to this. And I hope that you'll pass this one

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Speaker 1: on because so many of us are suffering for longer

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Speaker 1: than we need to. So many of us are making

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Speaker 1: choices that are not great for us, or are struggling

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Speaker 1: to make a choice that would actually help us. And

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Speaker 1: often I find that people stay in toxic, difficult relationships

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Speaker 1: for longer than they need to. By the way, this

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Speaker 1: even applies to work. If you think about how long

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Speaker 1: someone takes to actually quit their job or move on

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Speaker 1: or ask for a promotion, it's usually six to twelve months,

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Speaker 1: longer than it actually needs to be. How many times

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Speaker 1: have you been in a relationship where you felt like leaving,

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Speaker 1: but you stayed for another six to twelve months, only

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Speaker 1: to feel the same way throughout that entire period. So,

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Speaker 1: whether this is about you finding the right person, a

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Speaker 1: genuine connection with an individual, or whether this is helping

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Speaker 1: you move away from something or someone that isn't serving you.

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Speaker 1: I really hope that it gives you the courage and

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Speaker 1: strength to make the decisions that you need in order

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Speaker 1: to move towards healthy love. Now, I want to talk

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Speaker 1: about this term healthy love because I think for a

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Speaker 1: long time we talked about the one, we talked about

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Speaker 1: the right person, we talk about the wrong person, we

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Speaker 1: talk about you know, your soulmate. And I like the

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Speaker 1: word healthy love because it makes us believe that it's positive,

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Speaker 1: it's good. But when we know that there's healthy love,

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Speaker 1: we also accept that there may be parts of it

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Speaker 1: that are unhealthy. Right, if you have a healthy diet,

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Speaker 1: you know that's because you're choosing the things that are

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Speaker 1: good for you, which is the same with healthy love.

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Speaker 1: It's about choosing the habits, the traits, the personality type

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Speaker 1: that is good for you in a relationship. That doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean there are not unhealthy parts to it. That doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean there are not uncomfortable parts to it. And so

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Speaker 1: I like to move away from this idea of the

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Speaker 1: perfect one or the one or the soul may or

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Speaker 1: you know, the right person, because that kind of makes

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Speaker 1: us believe that there's this ready made person off the shelf,

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Speaker 1: almost like a ken doll. Or a Barbie doll that

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Speaker 1: is perfect as it is in its casing, whereas healthy

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Speaker 1: love means oh, I have to make choices, we have

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Speaker 1: to make decisions, we have to actually create healthy habits

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Speaker 1: in order to have a healthy relationship. So today I

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Speaker 1: want to talk about the differences and how to actually

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Speaker 1: develop them and build them and grow them. And I

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Speaker 1: want to start off by talking about the toxic trait

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Speaker 1: of over reliance on one person for everything. That the

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Speaker 1: one person is the only person you go to for

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Speaker 1: all your needs. So that works in one of two ways.

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Speaker 1: Either you're the person that your partner goes to for

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Speaker 1: all of their needs, or you're the person who goes

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Speaker 1: to your partner for all of your needs. And I

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Speaker 1: found that this has been one of the most challenging

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Speaker 1: things in a relationship. Now, if your partner comes to

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Speaker 1: you for all of their needs, often that can actually

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Speaker 1: be quite fun in the beginning, because you start to

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Speaker 1: feel powerful, you start to feel needed, you start to

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Speaker 1: feel useful. And who doesn't want to feel useful? Who

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Speaker 1: doesn't want to feel like they have all the the answers?

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Speaker 1: We all enjoyed that idea that our partner is dependent

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Speaker 1: on us in the beginning because it feels like we

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Speaker 1: have something to offer. It boosts our self esteem, it

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Speaker 1: gives us an ego boost, and it gives us a

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Speaker 1: sense of power and control. And so what's really interesting

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Speaker 1: is that we do it for the first month, we

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Speaker 1: may even do it for the first couple of months,

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Speaker 1: and then afterwards our energy starts to drain and we think,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, this person is just relying on me

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Speaker 1: to carry them. We're just being completely relied on to

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Speaker 1: carry the relationship. And then we may push back, we

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Speaker 1: may have an honest conversation, and now the other person

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Speaker 1: is feeling wait a minute, but I showed you that

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Speaker 1: from the beginning, and you gave me the space, and

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Speaker 1: now you're taking it away. It almost feels like you're

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Speaker 1: hijacking what you first offered to this individual, and that

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Speaker 1: person now is feeling hard done by. You're now upset

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Speaker 1: because you feel like you've been used and everything falls

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Speaker 1: on you. And then now upset because they said, well,

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Speaker 1: wait a minute, you did it at the start. Why

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Speaker 1: are you not doing it right now? How many of

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Speaker 1: you have ever been in this position before. I'm guessing

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Speaker 1: there's a fair few of you. Now, what do you

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Speaker 1: do in that situation. In that situation, if you're already

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Speaker 1: there and you're like, well, Jay, I wish I knew

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Speaker 1: that before I started setting a precedence, started setting a standard.

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Speaker 1: If you've already set the standards, it's about setting a

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Speaker 1: new standard. And this is a great relationship tool. I

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Speaker 1: think one of the things that we don't do enough

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Speaker 1: in relationships, whether we're dating, whether you're committed, whether you're married,

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Speaker 1: whatever it may be, in a long term relationship is

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Speaker 1: resetting agreements, resetting standards, and redefining where you're at and

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Speaker 1: how you work on things. I think we often go to, well,

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Speaker 1: we've always done it that way. It's been like that

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Speaker 1: since we started dating. You've been the same person. I'm

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Speaker 1: the same person. We say things like that, not realizing

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Speaker 1: that there's always growth going on and there's a need

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Speaker 1: to re establish boundaries, re establish agreements, and this is

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Speaker 1: a great opportunity to do that. Now. If you're in

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Speaker 1: a position where you are the one who takes all

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Speaker 1: your problems to them, maybe you're the one who has

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Speaker 1: struggled with finding people in your life to help you grow,

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Speaker 1: and now when you've found this person, you're saying to yourself.

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Speaker 1: I'm just going to go to them for everything. Oh

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Speaker 1: my gosh, they're so smart, Oh my gosh, they're so strong,

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, they're so self aware. And all of

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Speaker 1: a sudden, you get so consumed and wrapped up in

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Speaker 1: this person that they become your be all and end all.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you're in that position right now. If you are

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Speaker 1: in that position, here's what I want you to think about.

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Speaker 1: I want you to take a moment to just close

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Speaker 1: your eyes for a second. Of course, if you're driving,

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Speaker 1: do not do this. If you're cooking, do not do this.

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Speaker 1: Take a moment to do it afterwards. And if you

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Speaker 1: can't close your eyes, you can do this with your

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Speaker 1: eyes open. But here's what I want you to do.

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Speaker 1: Take a moment to think of who's the first person

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Speaker 1: who comes to your mind when you think of the

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Speaker 1: most caring person in the world towards you, Someone who

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Speaker 1: cares about you the most. They're nurturing, they have that supportive,

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Speaker 1: compassionate disposition towards you. They'll only care about your health

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Speaker 1: and well being. Who's the first person that comes to

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Speaker 1: your mind, the person that cares about you the most.

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Speaker 1: Chances are it isn't even the person that you're with.

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Speaker 1: That's not a bad thing. Often people think, well, my

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Speaker 1: partner should be that person. They might not be. There

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Speaker 1: may be someone who trumps them. There may be someone

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Speaker 1: who's done it for longer. Remember this person. Okay, second reflection,

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Speaker 1: who is the most consistent person in your life? Someone

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Speaker 1: who's always been there for you, someone who's always been

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Speaker 1: by your side. Maybe they've lived life with you for

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Speaker 1: a long long time. They've been consistent. Maybe you went

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Speaker 1: to school together, maybe you grew up together. They're not

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Speaker 1: the most caring person in your life, but they are

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Speaker 1: the most consistent. They're always around when you need them.

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Speaker 1: And chances are that isn't your partner either. Now, think

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Speaker 1: about an area of your life. You may be struggling,

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Speaker 1: or you may have questions, And who's the most competent person.

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Speaker 1: Who's someone who you know is great at getting their

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Speaker 1: taxes done right their accounts. Who do you know who's

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Speaker 1: really great at fitness and health in your circle? Who

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Speaker 1: do you know that's really organized and focused and driven

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Speaker 1: towards their goals. It doesn't have to be your partner.

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Speaker 1: Your partner may be that, but who else comes to mind?

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Speaker 1: And finally, who's someone that comes in terms of high characters,

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Speaker 1: someone who's always living with the right morals and ethics,

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Speaker 1: someone that you go to for more spiritual inner guidance.

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Speaker 1: Someone in your life who carries them in a certain way.

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Speaker 1: These are the four types of people that create our

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Speaker 1: council for life, the caring one, the consistent one, the

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Speaker 1: competent one, and the one with character. There may have

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Speaker 1: been different faces that came to your mind for all

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Speaker 1: of them. Some of these people you may already know

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Speaker 1: and have a relationship with. Some of these people you

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Speaker 1: may have had one with before and you need to

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Speaker 1: re engage with. But it's so important, it's so needed

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Speaker 1: for us to develop a council around us instead of

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Speaker 1: depending on one person for everything. If we create an

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Speaker 1: over dependence on one person, we have to live with

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Speaker 1: feeling completely alone if and when they have a leave,

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Speaker 1: or if we feel like leaving them. So many of

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Speaker 1: us stay with people who are not good for us

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Speaker 1: because of how scared we'll feel or how bad will

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Speaker 1: feel being alone. So many of us stay with people

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Speaker 1: that are not good for us because we're scared of

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Speaker 1: how bad will feel if we're left alone. And the

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Speaker 1: only way to overcome that is to create this council

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Speaker 1: and to not lose it at any point in your relationship. Now,

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Speaker 1: another toxic trait that I want to discuss is this

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Speaker 1: idea of trying to change someone. I have always believed

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Speaker 1: that people don't change for people, They change for themselves. Right,

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Speaker 1: people don't change for you, They don't change for their ex.

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Speaker 1: They don't change for the next person. They don't change

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Speaker 1: for a family member. They change for themselves because they

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Speaker 1: feel a certain regret which may be inspired by a

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Speaker 1: family member. But I think what's really interesting is that

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Speaker 1: when we're trying to change someone, often we're trying to

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Speaker 1: change them to be like us. And I want you

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Speaker 1: to really sit there and reflect on this. Do you

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Speaker 1: really want to be with yourself? If we're organized, we

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Speaker 1: want our partners to be more organized. If we're spontaneous,

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Speaker 1: we want our partner to be more spontaneous. If we're

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Speaker 1: thoughtful about birthdays, we want our partner to be thoughtful

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Speaker 1: about birthdays. If we're always planning the weekend, we want

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Speaker 1: our partners to plan the weekends. We want our partners

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Speaker 1: to be us. But we have to really ask ourselves,

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Speaker 1: do we really truly want our partners to be us.

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Speaker 1: I'll give an example in my own life that's really

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Speaker 1: stood out to me. So I'm quite the organizer planner.

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Speaker 1: And when it comes to me and RADI, I realize

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Speaker 1: that if I make a plan for Saturday, rather will

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Speaker 1: happily go along. She'll be so positive about it, she'll

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Speaker 1: have a great time. She might be a little bit late,

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Speaker 1: she might have a few things that come up, but

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Speaker 1: she'll commit to my plan and she'll have a great time. Now,

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Speaker 1: if she made a plan, I may go along with it,

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Speaker 1: but I'll have my own thoughts about it. I will

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Speaker 1: question now say, oh, we should have done this first,

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Speaker 1: we could have done that. Now, that's my kind of

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Speaker 1: way of thinking, because I'm such an organizer planner. And

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Speaker 1: it's really interesting because I've realized how lucky I am

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Speaker 1: to be with someone who's always happy to go along

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Speaker 1: with my plans and is flexible, and and I've realized

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Speaker 1: that I need to be more that way. So it's

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Speaker 1: really interesting. We want our partners to be like us,

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Speaker 1: but actually, have we ever thought about needing to be

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Speaker 1: more like them or let them be them and we

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Speaker 1: be ourselves? Right? It's so interesting to me about how

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Speaker 1: we think, Oh, well, they're not ambitious enough. I'm so ambitious.

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Speaker 1: It's really interesting. Do you really want to date yourself?

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Speaker 1: That's the question I wanted to answer. Do you really

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Speaker 1: really truly believe you'd be happy if you were with

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Speaker 1: someone who is exactly like you? Because I know I

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Speaker 1: wouldn't be I don't want to date someone like me.

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Speaker 1: And it's really amazing how much time we waste trying

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Speaker 1: to mold someone into a version of ourselves. Now, let's

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Speaker 1: say someone's trying to change you. We all know what

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Speaker 1: that feels like. It's really interesting. We often try and

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Speaker 1: change other people, but when people try and change us,

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Speaker 1: we know exactly how it feels and how we would

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Speaker 1: never want to feel that way. And I think what's

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Speaker 1: really important about this is being clear about our desires

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Speaker 1: upfront and making sure that the person you're starting to like,

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Speaker 1: or you're dating, or you're connecting with is open with

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Speaker 1: you about what they truly want. Now, I'm not talking

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Speaker 1: about talking about how many kids you want on the

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Speaker 1: first day. I'm talking about really being clear and aware

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Speaker 1: of what someone's priorities are, rather than thinking about what

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Speaker 1: their potential is. Right, focus on someone's priorities, not their potential.

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Speaker 1: Is their priority to get the next job? Is their priority?

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Speaker 1: To be busy on the weekend because they're ambitious and driven?

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Speaker 1: Is their priority? You? Is their priority? Their family? What

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Speaker 1: is their priority? This is not about what their goals are.

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Speaker 1: Often we say, like, what are people's goals? And that's

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Speaker 1: an awkward question to ask someone, right like what are

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Speaker 1: your goals for this quarter? What are your goals for

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Speaker 1: the next quarter? What are your goals for the next

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Speaker 1: five years? I know so many people who hate that

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Speaker 1: interview question. But you can tell by someone's priorities what

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Speaker 1: their goals are, what is their calendar full of how

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Speaker 1: do they make choices and decisions on the weekends and evenings,

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Speaker 1: and recognize that that also comes with a choice. If

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Speaker 1: someone's prioritizing you, of course they can't prioritize their work.

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Speaker 1: If that person's driven and ambitious, they may have less

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Speaker 1: time for you. If that's what you're saying you want.

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Speaker 1: I think it's such an important thing to be clear

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Speaker 1: with other people about your priorities when you first meet them,

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Speaker 1: and observe their priorities too. Observe the language they use,

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Speaker 1: the vocabulary they use, and how they make choices about

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Speaker 1: their priorities, especially when it comes down to like making

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Speaker 1: a really clear choice between two things or an unclear

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Speaker 1: choice between two things. Watch what they pick. And I

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Speaker 1: think so many of us, you know, I had to think,

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Speaker 1: oh yeah, but they'll change that, Oh yeah, they'll come around,

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it's not really important to them. And then

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Speaker 1: later on we're thinking, Wow, I can't believe that they

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Speaker 1: were always like that. It was always that way. Now.

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Speaker 1: The third toxic trait I wanted to discuss with you

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Speaker 1: all was playing games. If someone's playing power games with you,

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Speaker 1: if someone's playing interest games with you, if someone's playing

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Speaker 1: games with you by being hot and cold all the time,

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Speaker 1: or if you're doing that with someone, notice and know

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Speaker 1: that that's last every time things get tough, that's what

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Speaker 1: you're gonna revert to, because that's become your method of

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Speaker 1: dealing with conflict. People don't just play games. Playing games

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Speaker 1: becomes people's way of gaining power and what they do

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Speaker 1: when they lose power. And if that's the game you've

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Speaker 1: already started to play, then that's the game you will

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Speaker 1: continue to play. I think people don't realize how relationships

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Speaker 1: really get set in stone very early on the rules

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Speaker 1: of a relationship get set in stone very very early on,

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Speaker 1: just by behavior, not even by what you say, and

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Speaker 1: then that becomes the status quo and how that relationship

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Speaker 1: operates for a long long time after. So I want

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Speaker 1: you to notice, is the person hot and cold? Is

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Speaker 1: the person playing games? And at the start feels exciting

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Speaker 1: because you get that burst of nervousness and anxiety, and

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Speaker 1: then you get the security and safety and that kind

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Speaker 1: of like swinging from safety to insecurity, from stability to

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Speaker 1: excitement and nerve. Like that's exciting, That is really really enthralling.

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Speaker 1: In the beginning, we think we're at the edge of

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Speaker 1: our seats at the start. We want someone who keeps

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Speaker 1: us at the edge of our seats. The long term,

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Speaker 1: what we really want is someone that we can get

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Speaker 1: cozy with on the couch. Right. It's so interesting, Right,

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Speaker 1: that's what you really want. What you want in a

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Speaker 1: relationship is Netflix and chill. You want to be able

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Speaker 1: to hang back, be lazy, be cozy on the couch.

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Speaker 1: But you're setting your relationship up to be always nail

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Speaker 1: biting at the edge of the sea. But that isn't

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Speaker 1: what you're trying to build. That isn't what you're trying

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Speaker 1: to grow. So what you really want to do is

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Speaker 1: establish playing as a team. You want to establish someone

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Speaker 1: who says we and us, not you and me. You

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Speaker 1: want to establish a feeling of we're solving this together,

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Speaker 1: we're going through this together, we're figuring this out together,

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Speaker 1: where we're understanding this together, not oh yeah i'm feeling

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Speaker 1: it today, Oh yeah, you're doing this right. Like that

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Speaker 1: kind of language automatically lets you understand where you stand.

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Speaker 1: One of the most interesting things or a method of

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Speaker 1: playing games which people are even unaware of, is when

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Speaker 1: someone tells you how you should feel. Someone says to you, oh,

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Speaker 1: you are really into me, you just don't know it yet,

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Speaker 1: or someone says to you something like, oh, yeah, you know,

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Speaker 1: if you decide to move on, or if you decide

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Speaker 1: to not pursue this, you're going to regret it later.

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Speaker 1: Someone's telling you how to feel, that's a toxic trait.

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Speaker 1: If someone is telling you how to behave with them,

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Speaker 1: that's a toxic trait. If someone's telling you I don't

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Speaker 1: think you understand how you're feeling right now, this is

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Speaker 1: how you're feeling, that's unhealthy. A healthy relationship is where

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Speaker 1: someone asks you, how are you feeling. An unhealthy relationship

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Speaker 1: is where someone tells you how you're feeling. No, it's

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Speaker 1: the difference. It's very subtle, right. An untoxic relationship is

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Speaker 1: where someone says to you, how are you feeling today.

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00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,720
Speaker 1: A toxic relationship is where someone says to you, this

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Speaker 1: is how you're feeling. And in the beginning it can

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Speaker 1: be really comforting. You can feel like, Wow, this person

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Speaker 1: really understands me, like they really know me. But if

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Speaker 1: they're telling you, look, this is how you really feel,

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Speaker 1: You're not really tired. Come on out anyway, You're not

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Speaker 1: really this, Come on out anyway. Now. I'm not saying

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Speaker 1: you break up with someone over this, but you've got

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Speaker 1: to start to be observant of what you're sayting. Now.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying to even turn this into an argument.

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Speaker 1: You could just say to someone, hey, I know how

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Speaker 1: I feel. I'm just telling you how I feel. I

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00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:39,960
Speaker 1: just want to let you know that. And that may

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Speaker 1: be totally fine, because that person may be used to

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Speaker 1: trying to read between the lines or trying to prove

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Speaker 1: their worth that way as well. You've got to understand

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Speaker 1: that the traits people demonstrate in relationships are all based

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Speaker 1: on our own past trauma, our own past experiences, our

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Speaker 1: own past emotion, like it's not coming from nowhere. And

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Speaker 1: so it's almost like you've got two sets of trauma,

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Speaker 1: you've got two sets of experience having a UFC fight, right,

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Speaker 1: instead of both people trying to make peace. And I

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Speaker 1: think that's what's really interesting is that relationships are often

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Speaker 1: chasing pleasure, and in chasing pleasure, they become about power.

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Speaker 1: But really what relationships, healthy relationships are about pursuing peace? Right,

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Speaker 1: An unhealthy relationship chases power, a healthy relationship chases peace.

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Speaker 1: Are you pursuing peace with your partner or are you

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Speaker 1: pursuing power over your partner? That's the question. Are you

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Speaker 1: pursuing peace with your partner or are you chasing power

369
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Speaker 1: over your partner? Or is your partner chasing power over you?

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Speaker 1: It's about pursuing peace together. Piece is a really underrated value.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you right now. Was so addicted to pleasure,

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Speaker 1: were so addicted to that dopamine, were so addicted to

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Speaker 1: that temporary relief and that pursuit of that ephemeral momentary bliss,

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Speaker 1: that we miss out on this deep search for a

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Speaker 1: feeling of peace and groundedness. The next rait I wanted

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00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:28,240
Speaker 1: to talk about was unhealthy way is when you lose

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Speaker 1: your own identity with the other person as opposed to

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Speaker 1: discovering your identity through the other person. So a lot

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Speaker 1: of the time we become so intoxicated in a relationship

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Speaker 1: that we lose ourselves in the relationship. And what I

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Speaker 1: mean by that is our identity becomes one of just

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Speaker 1: being together. Forgetting that, you have an identity separate, you

383
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,720
Speaker 1: have friendship separate, you have interests that are separate. Right,

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Speaker 1: Your identity comes with individuals, It comes with interests, and

385
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Speaker 1: it comes with independence. And when that interest turns into

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Speaker 1: only joint interests, when that individuals turns into only friends

387
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:18,560
Speaker 1: that you both get along with, and when that independence

388
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,880
Speaker 1: turns into codependence, that's where a lot of our challenges

389
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,159
Speaker 1: come in relationships. So I want to ask you right now,

390
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,639
Speaker 1: who are the individuals, what are the interests? And what

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00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,080
Speaker 1: is the independence that you don't want to lose in

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Speaker 1: a relationship that you don't want to sacrifice And by

393
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Speaker 1: the way, no one's making you sacrifice it. We voluntarily

394
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,600
Speaker 1: give it up and then we get upset and blame

395
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,399
Speaker 1: it on the other person. We get wrapped up in

396
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Speaker 1: a relationship, and I want you to encourage your partner

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Speaker 1: to do the same again. At the beginning of a relationship,

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Speaker 1: it can feel really exciting when the person says, Oh,

399
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Speaker 1: I'm not going to see my friends, I just want

400
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 1: to see you. I'm not going to see my family.

401
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,600
Speaker 1: I just want to see you. Oh, I don't care

402
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,719
Speaker 1: about blameing pickupball tonight, I'm just going to see you.

403
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,840
Speaker 1: That all sounds and feels amazing someone you is number one,

404
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:05,240
Speaker 1: which is important. But your role in the relationship as

405
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,480
Speaker 1: that relationship develops. I'm not saying say no to that,

406
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 1: but as it develops, remind the other person to not

407
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 1: give up the individuals, the interests, and the independence that

408
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 1: they had before in ways that are healthy for them. Right,

409
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,639
Speaker 1: If it's healthy for them to see their friends that

410
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:23,280
Speaker 1: they work out with, if it's healthy for them to

411
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,800
Speaker 1: continue certain interests that they're passionate about, encourage them. Remind

412
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:29,760
Speaker 1: them of that, don't force them, don't push them towards it,

413
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 1: but don't forget to remind them towards who they were

414
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Speaker 1: before they met you. Now, one thing that happens a

415
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,440
Speaker 1: lot in relationships is that we point out other people's

416
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,440
Speaker 1: mistakes or they point out ours. And what's really interesting

417
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,440
Speaker 1: is we feel worried about pointing out other people's strengths,

418
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,480
Speaker 1: and people often worry about pointing out ours, so we

419
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:55,440
Speaker 1: focus on the mistakes rather than holding up a mirror

420
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: so the other person can reflect for themselves. So if

421
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 1: you have two people in a relationship, we're both reflecting

422
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:06,199
Speaker 1: on their own behavior because they see how it impacts

423
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Speaker 1: the other person. And that's where we're trying to get to.

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Speaker 1: It's really hard. This is a hard one because both

425
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,560
Speaker 1: people have to be reflective. But if you start a

426
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 1: relationship and say, hey, if we're both reflective, we don't

427
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,359
Speaker 1: have to point out each other's mistakes. We'll automatically know

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Speaker 1: what they are. This is the age old one, expecting

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00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,560
Speaker 1: someone to know what you want. I can't believe I

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00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 1: still have to say this one, but I really see

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00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,600
Speaker 1: it all the time. We think love is they already knew,

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00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:32,800
Speaker 1: they finished my sentence, they know what I'm thinking, They

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00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,639
Speaker 1: knew what I wanted for my birthday. They get me.

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Speaker 1: Our definition of love, our feeling of love is if

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00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:44,960
Speaker 1: we think someone gets us, and to get to that,

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00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,440
Speaker 1: we need to help them get us by communicating it.

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00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 1: It's so obvious, but being able to say something like yesterday, man,

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00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,840
Speaker 1: rather it was a rainy, rainy day this week in

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00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,560
Speaker 1: LA And I hope if anyone was affected, I'm sending

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00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,600
Speaker 1: you lots of I hope it wasn't too bad for

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00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:06,439
Speaker 1: those of you who may have been in California. But

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00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,400
Speaker 1: it was just really interesting. I was saying to rightly.

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00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 1: I was like, this is what I want to do.

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00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:12,159
Speaker 1: She was saying, well, she wanted to do. And it's just

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00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,280
Speaker 1: like communicating rather than like, oh, you should have known

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00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:15,760
Speaker 1: what I wanted to eat today, or you should have

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00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,520
Speaker 1: known what I wanted to do today, because we've been

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00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: together for ten years. And I think that's what's so

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00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,960
Speaker 1: interesting is that the longer it gets, we think more

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00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:24,280
Speaker 1: and more that it should be that way, so we

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00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:28,600
Speaker 1: rely more on mind reading and then rely less on

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00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 1: communication when communication is what is going to make the difference.

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Speaker 1: I hope that these have helped you today. I hope

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Speaker 1: that this guides you in your relationship and your connection.

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that you trusted me to spend this

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Speaker 1: time with me. I hope that you'll pass this episode

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00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,200
Speaker 1: on to someone else and again Thank you so much

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00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 1: for being a part of the on Purpose community. It

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00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:56,159
Speaker 1: means the world to me and I can't wait for

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Speaker 1: you to keep listening. Thank you did. She was