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Speaker 1: My ex wife divorced me because I was infertile, so

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Speaker 1: I got a girl half her age pregnant.

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Speaker 2: You know, you know, sometimes the real real heroes don't

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Speaker 2: wear caps.

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Speaker 3: I couldn't. I couldn't say it with a straight face.

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Speaker 1: John, You're terrible. You're terrible.

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Speaker 2: I wanted to get I wanted to get the full

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Speaker 2: set in itself, but it was too ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: Either there's something there with like tails and sperm or something,

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Speaker 1: but I got nothing. I got nothing. I'm just sad

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Speaker 1: for this. This ex wife. All right, you ready, let's

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Speaker 1: do it. My ex wife is a complete girly girl

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Speaker 1: who loves children and always wanted a big family. She's

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Speaker 1: a primary school teacher and was a doula for her

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Speaker 1: sister's birth. Doula is it's like a midwife.

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Speaker 3: That's yeah, I believe that's what.

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Speaker 2: Justin's girlfriend is, is going forward building her career for.

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Speaker 1: Michelle No way, Yeah, huh. That so she's like I

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Speaker 1: think babies.

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Speaker 2: I forget which one it is, but I think there's

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Speaker 2: there's one classification of like post like after the baby

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Speaker 2: is born, and then one like dirt like in the

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Speaker 2: delivery room or something, or like helping you like prepare

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Speaker 2: for the Oh, I can't remember like one of it.

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Speaker 3: I think it's midwife and doula and one of them.

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Speaker 1: Means different the other. Let's let's let's look it up.

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Speaker 3: Why why don't we remain ignorant? Can we?

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Speaker 1: Can? We just?

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Speaker 3: Can we just walk up?

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Speaker 1: A doula is a professional labor assistant who provides physical

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Speaker 1: emotional support for you and your partner during pregnancy, childhood,

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Speaker 1: and the postpartum period.

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Speaker 2: Oh so maybe it's the full thing midwife is trained for. Oh,

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Speaker 2: I guess they're interchangeable.

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Speaker 1: Midwife versus doula. Midwives provide medical care for you during

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Speaker 1: your pregnancy birth and a media post star partum dula

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Speaker 1: to provide you and your your family emotional, informational, and

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Speaker 1: physical support during pregnancy birth in the media. So so

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Speaker 1: basically a duel like kind of does a little bit more.

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Speaker 1: It's more like emotional two cool. We started trying when

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Speaker 1: we were both twenty eight and had been married for

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Speaker 1: five years. Married for five years. After eighteen months without success,

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Speaker 1: we both got fertility testing. I was found to be infertile.

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Speaker 1: I went through several diagnostic procedures in treatments that frankly,

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Speaker 1: I would like to forget, and I was told the

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Speaker 1: odds of me conceiving naturally were close to zero. We

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Speaker 1: considered IVF, but the specialist said it was not viable.

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Speaker 1: The whole episode took about five years from beginning to resignation. Wow,

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Speaker 1: I was upset, but my ex wife was devastated. She

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Speaker 1: was briefly hospitalized for an acute depressive episode in twenty fifteen.

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Speaker 1: And it did not help that our younger sister had

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Speaker 1: five children by that time.

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Speaker 2: Just bragging with all our kids, like, yeah, look at me.

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Speaker 3: Sis, I got I got a test, I got todd.

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Speaker 1: She has all these children, I got a teenager, got

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Speaker 1: them all like a little pokemon at Cottie.

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Speaker 2: I'd like to see the trainer at that gym, the pokemon, Joe.

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Speaker 2: They really need to make more specific terminologies.

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Speaker 1: Go, that was good, That was good. My ex wife

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Speaker 1: wanted to use a sperm donor.

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Speaker 3: Yes, she did.

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Speaker 1: A live and vitle sperm donor. Yeah, talk about that

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Speaker 1: gym trainer. Where he's at, Where are he at?

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Speaker 3: His name's Jim.

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Speaker 1: His name's ash Ash. Gonna catch those cheeks if you

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Speaker 1: know what we're talking about. I understand that biology isn't everything.

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Speaker 1: But despite counseling and my best efforts at rationalization, I

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Speaker 1: could never moderate the feeling of revulsion at the idea

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Speaker 1: of choosing to raise another man's child. I knew I

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Speaker 1: could never see the child as mine, maybe a stepchild

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Speaker 1: at best. My sister in law called that toxic masculinity.

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Speaker 3: Toxicity.

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Speaker 1: I feel like, like, I feel like it wouldn't be

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Speaker 1: that hard to raise like an adopted kid, and me

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Speaker 1: it would be like I it would be definitely different.

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Speaker 3: I don't either, Yeah I can.

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Speaker 2: I can see him having some reservations, like like like.

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Speaker 1: Things you don't know what's going to be like, But yeah.

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Speaker 3: He doesn't. He But it's like adopting a kid. It's

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Speaker 3: like can he not?

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Speaker 2: What if they did, they should just adopt honestly, Like,

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Speaker 2: if he can't do that, then.

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Speaker 1: Just I adopt you.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So an unstoppable force meets an immovable object deal breaker.

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Speaker 1: We divorced in twenty seventeen. It was a strange divorce.

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Speaker 1: We both loved and supported each other throughout. We were

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Speaker 1: still living together until about six months after the finalization,

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Speaker 1: when my ex sister in law started finding men for

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Speaker 1: my ex wife to date. I then made myself scarce.

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Speaker 3: Yikes.

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Speaker 1: We briefly reunited numerous times during the next year and

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Speaker 1: are in each other's wider social circle to this day.

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Speaker 1: As I understand it, she has had no long term

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Speaker 1: relationships since her divorce and surprisingly no children. In mid

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Speaker 1: twenty eighteen, I met my current girlfriend. I revealed my

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Speaker 1: infertility early in the relationship. She said she always thought

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Speaker 1: she would have children, but was young enough that by

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Speaker 1: the time she was ready, maybe they could fix me.

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Speaker 1: I pointed out this was setting us both up for

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Speaker 1: a future heartache, but I had fallen first. I wasn't

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Speaker 1: gonna argue what what to be fair. Whenever I think

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Speaker 1: there's gonna be like whatever, I think like, oh shit,

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Speaker 1: like I'm gonna have like this brain problem or this

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Speaker 1: back problem when I'm older, I'm just like, I'm always like,

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Speaker 1: science will be good enough by that. I'll be fun.

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Speaker 3: Science will figure it out.

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Speaker 1: It will get me some bionic legs and testicles.

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Speaker 3: It'll be okay, dude.

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Speaker 2: Bionic testicles. That would be dude, where where are the testicle?

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Speaker 1: They're gonna like, insert some bull testicles in you, dude,

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Speaker 1: You're gonna have some wop and b I don't want to.

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Speaker 3: I don't want bull testicles.

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Speaker 2: I want I want to shoot lasers out of out

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Speaker 2: of my boot.

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Speaker 3: That's that.

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Speaker 1: What a party trick that would be. I think it

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Speaker 1: would be uninvited from the party. I'm honestly so hung

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Speaker 1: up on this bionic testicles. I I actually have had

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Speaker 1: uh my scrot them operated on. Wait what it was?

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Speaker 3: They thought it was testicular cancer?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 2: First, yeah, I think I think I mentioned this story.

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Speaker 2: But then eventually it was just a benign cyst. But

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Speaker 2: they still know. Then they thought it was a benign sist.

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Speaker 2: Then they realized it was just a insane hernia.

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Speaker 1: I thought I thought they were gonna be like then

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Speaker 1: they just realized.

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Speaker 2: My balls was just fucking huge, freaking elephant nuts dragging

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Speaker 2: on the floor.

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Speaker 1: Couldn't pick them up, these balls toopid.

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Speaker 3: Oh there you go. That was impressive.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I did not impressive nuts. Yeah, I know

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Speaker 2: I don't have elephant nut guys, but I would I

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Speaker 2: would take some. I I just might let them back

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Speaker 2: into the scrot them if if there were the promise

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Speaker 2: of bionic testicles, I.

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Speaker 1: Do let him back in the set.

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Speaker 2: I do and not not to not to side tangent

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Speaker 2: too hard. But in one of Dave Chappelle's specials, he

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Speaker 2: does this bit about getting laser hair removal surgery on

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Speaker 2: his balls and that is absolutely, to this day something

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Speaker 2: that I am committed to doing before.

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Speaker 1: I want to have to shave your smooth Yes, it's like.

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Speaker 2: It just gets annoying, Like I don't shave them all

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Speaker 2: the time, and like I just want to have smooth hair.

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Speaker 2: I like, I love the feeling of them all smooth,

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Speaker 2: Like I I I don't want to deal with hair

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Speaker 2: down there. I want to move to the rest of

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Speaker 2: my life. All right, rant over.

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Speaker 1: Please donate money to John's GoFundMe for super bald testicles

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Speaker 1: in me.

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Speaker 3: Tack. All right, I'm done, I'm done.

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Speaker 1: Right, We're about to go. We're going back to this.

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Speaker 3: We're getting back here, We're getting back.

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Speaker 1: And April this year, my girlfriend who's twenty four, missed

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Speaker 1: her period. When the test came back, it came back positive.

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Speaker 3: My guys getting it in.

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Speaker 1: Our first reaction was going to full panic mode. And

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Speaker 1: it's where she had never cheated on me. I never

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Speaker 1: doubted her, but realized that's what every cheated on partner says.

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Speaker 1: But hey, you can now get a parental paternity blood

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Speaker 1: test as early as seven weeks. Who knew? And the

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Speaker 1: baby is mine and we are both delighted.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 1: I went to the fertility doc to see if anything

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Speaker 1: had changed. It hadn't. How did this happen? Then? His answer?

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Speaker 1: You won the lottery. Part of my problem was that

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Speaker 1: the fuse ferm I did produce were deformed, so we

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Speaker 1: have undertaken every available prenatal screening. This is also why

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Speaker 1: we've only told four other people. But now we have

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Speaker 1: all clear. I share numerous friends and acquaintances with my

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Speaker 1: ex wife and we cannot conceal this from her. I

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Speaker 1: know her, and although it had been two years since

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Speaker 1: we were close, I know this will devastate her. My

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Speaker 1: girlfriend knows all the history and is totally supportive. She

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Speaker 1: thinks that telling my ex wife before she finds out

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Speaker 1: is the right thing to do. How should I go

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Speaker 1: about it? Should I contact my ex wife's sister or

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Speaker 1: mother so they can be there, Maybe write a letter

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Speaker 1: that I can let her tell her to her face.

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Speaker 1: I do not want to cause my ex wife any

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Speaker 1: more pain than is inevitable.

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Speaker 2: Man, I mean I get that she will feel pain

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Speaker 2: because like the whole reason they were in love. They

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Speaker 2: wanted to say, Mary, but the whole reason they got

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Speaker 2: divorced was the baby. But barring giving her time to

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Speaker 2: like process once she's had time to process it, you can't.

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Speaker 3: You can't be mad at him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't. You can't, you can't. I mean, man's

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Speaker 1: not doing anything wrong, but like he just wants to

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Speaker 1: do best by his ex wife.

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Speaker 3: That's that's true. That's true.

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Speaker 1: I don't think he's worried about her being mad at him.

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Speaker 1: He just doesn't want to hurt her. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

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Speaker 1: I think, Uh, I think I think the best. I

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Speaker 1: mean I would say go to the sister and mom

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Speaker 1: and kind of like see, like, hey, like this is

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Speaker 1: the situation.

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Speaker 2: The sister in law, Yeah, the one that called him

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Speaker 2: a toxic masculine masculinity or whatever.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but I mean like.

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Speaker 3: Yeah that she was she could. It's a third party.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, at least I'm a third party that actually is

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Speaker 1: like that might know the sister like that might know

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Speaker 1: his ex wife's best interests.

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Speaker 2: Also, like he didn't really mention it. She's like young,

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Speaker 2: significantly younger than he. Eight and twenty four.

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Speaker 1: Bro, that's like close to half his age. Yeah, it's

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Speaker 1: getting there. That's really really it's a big age gap.

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Speaker 1: That's like bordering on a little bit much. No wonder.

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Speaker 3: She's like, oh, it's okay, we have a thousand years before.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, bro, I'm freaking twenty five. I could not imagine

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Speaker 1: dating a thirty.

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Speaker 3: Eight year old.

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Speaker 1: Maybe I could, Maybe I could.

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Speaker 2: I have a friend that loves He's like, he can't

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Speaker 2: do he can't do milks, he can only do gilts Well. Actually,

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Speaker 2: granny's only serious exclusive, you're not exclusive, but he loves

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Speaker 2: he loves grannies, Like how old? Oh dude, seventy's he's

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Speaker 2: chomping at the bit. Wait, I'm not joking. He actually

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Speaker 2: like he's hooked up with seventy year old. He hasn't

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Speaker 2: hooked up with a seventy year old. He would love

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Speaker 2: to do that. He definitely has hooked up with a

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Speaker 2: like fifty year old as a early twenties. Wow, early twenties,

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Speaker 2: easily it was double his age. Yeah, with his thoughts, uh,

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to remember. I think he just he just

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Speaker 2: loves the game. He just loves the game.

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Speaker 1: He there's a Benjamin Franklin quote where it's like, as

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Speaker 1: a woman ages. She makes up for her lack in

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Speaker 1: beauty with a myriad of other talents. Beneath the sheets,

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Speaker 1: you know they're there's another Benjamin quote.

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Speaker 3: But have you heard it. It's fuck bitches getting money.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, that's a wrap. But that that actually

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Speaker 1: is a Benjamin Franklin quote. That is Yeah, it's called

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Speaker 1: it's Benjamin Franklin's advice on a young man getting a mistress.

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Speaker 3: I like it. There we go, there we go.