Speaker 1: Hi Catherine. Hi everybody. It's Chelsea and this is dear Chelsea.
Speaker 1: How are you doing, Catherine? I'm doing well. Um, a
Speaker 1: little bit stressed, like pre stressed having to do a
Speaker 1: lot in a short amount of time because I'm going
Speaker 1: on a little trip to the British Vision Islands, which
Speaker 1: I'm very excited. Where are you going? Which one we
Speaker 1: are going? So my mom's having a significant birthday. So
Speaker 1: my sister got a yacht for everyone, well for her
Speaker 1: and my mom, and then invited me and my other
Speaker 1: sisters in law and we're all going to go just
Speaker 1: have a girl's trip in the British Virgin Islands and
Speaker 1: like hop from place to place, hop from island to island.
Speaker 1: It seems truly crazy, but I'm so excited about it.
Speaker 1: Oh that's awesome. That's a good shrip. So there's a
Speaker 1: lot of work that has to get done before that happens.
Speaker 1: You know. It's sort of like before you take a trip,
Speaker 1: there's twice the work, and after you get back there's
Speaker 1: twice the work. But like it's worth it, so you
Speaker 1: can get away and took up some sun and and
Speaker 1: focus on being on a yacht more importantly, exactly we are.
Speaker 1: I wanted to say that I just recently got my
Speaker 1: clean bill of health from my doctor after my after
Speaker 1: my episode, which actually I've never even talked about. I
Speaker 1: don't think have we talked about it yet? No, we haven't.
Speaker 1: I was like, should I ask, because I didn't know
Speaker 1: if you wanted to talk about it, Like, oh, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll talk about of course, to keep any information to myself,
Speaker 1: I was in Yeah. I was doing one of my
Speaker 1: shows in Seattle, which were awesome. By the way, I
Speaker 1: love Seattle's crowds. Thank you guys for coming, and anyone
Speaker 1: who wants tickets to any of my shows. The tour
Speaker 1: is continuing. It's called Vaccinated and Horny. You can get
Speaker 1: all your tickets to Chelsea Handler dot com and I'm
Speaker 1: coming to a city near you. We added a lot
Speaker 1: of second shows. We have a late show with Will
Speaker 1: Churn in Los Angeles, hunting to New York, Santa Rosa, California,
Speaker 1: San Francisco, d C. All of the places. Anyway, I
Speaker 1: walked on stage. It was my second night in Seattle.
Speaker 1: I walked on stage in front of my four thousand
Speaker 1: fans that were there in the audience, and I was
Speaker 1: like it's like my chest was really tight. And I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't suffer from indigestion or anything like that,
Speaker 1: Like I've never had a heartburn or anything. So I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, I must have because I had a
Speaker 1: really heavy French meal for lunch. Okay, And and then
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this must be nerves. I don't know,
Speaker 1: like sometimes you get nervous and sometimes you don't. And
Speaker 1: I was on stage and I was like, okay, well
Speaker 1: it's not going away. But it wasn't so bad that
Speaker 1: I had to like stop performing. I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: well this is just uncomfortable slightly. So I get off stage.
Speaker 1: And I had a bunch of friends there, and my
Speaker 1: sister was there, Simone, my agent was there, Nick and
Speaker 1: my girlfriend Jamie, a bunch of people and we were
Speaker 1: all going to the restaurant or bar and my hotel
Speaker 1: for an after party. And I I couldn't. I was like,
Speaker 1: and if I can't go to a party, obviously something
Speaker 1: that and I, especially when it's about me and I U.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, this doesn't feel right. I
Speaker 1: kept taking toms and whatever, and then in the morning
Speaker 1: we were headed to Portland, where I was supposed to
Speaker 1: perform that night, and I talked to the hotel doctor
Speaker 1: and I talked to my own doctor from l A
Speaker 1: and they were like, oh, with your history of your father.
Speaker 1: My dad had a heart attack when he was fifty.
Speaker 1: He had quintumble bypass surgery when he was sixty something,
Speaker 1: so they were like, with your history, you have got
Speaker 1: to go straight and get an e k G and
Speaker 1: find out if everything's okay with your heart. So I
Speaker 1: went to this hospital in Seattle and they did an
Speaker 1: e KG and they tested my tremonal levels, which is
Speaker 1: an indicator of whether or not something happened with your heart,
Speaker 1: and my tremonian levels were slightly elevated, which you know, said, oh,
Speaker 1: something happened. Then irving A's off. My manager got involved
Speaker 1: and he's like, you have to go to the heart
Speaker 1: cardiology unit, and you have to go to different hospitals.
Speaker 1: So they moved me out of that hospital. I went
Speaker 1: to another hospital where I had the best doctor. He
Speaker 1: was awesome, so great, and they did my e k G.
Speaker 1: But e KG is a snapshot of what's happening, so
Speaker 1: if you had a heart injury, it won't show up.
Speaker 1: So then they did an echo cardiogram and on the
Speaker 1: echo cardiogram, they could see that there was something wasn't
Speaker 1: working in my heart, like it wasn't pumping all out.
Speaker 1: It was pumping, but there was like a little area
Speaker 1: that wasn't going in and out with your breath and
Speaker 1: your heart. So then they did a catharitization to go
Speaker 1: in to see if there's blockages to see because I
Speaker 1: have high cholesterol, which is genetic, so you know, you
Speaker 1: could have plaque and that there could have been like
Speaker 1: a plaque that's a piece of plaque that chipped, or
Speaker 1: there could have been a blockage. And so they went
Speaker 1: and gave me a catholization, which of course I was
Speaker 1: excited about because you know, they give you morphine for that.
Speaker 1: And he was like, oh, your heart is so healthy.
Speaker 1: He's like everything's pumping, you have no blockages, you have nothing.
Speaker 1: And I was like, okay, So what happened? And then
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, did I have a
Speaker 1: panic attack? Like that's even more unlike me. You know,
Speaker 1: I went from going, wait, did I have a heart attack,
Speaker 1: which would be so scary too, Did I have a
Speaker 1: panic attack? But no, I had neither. What happened was
Speaker 1: it's called a cardio myopathy, which means that there was
Speaker 1: an adrenaline shot and which I think was me actually
Speaker 1: walking out on stage that night for whatever reason. And well,
Speaker 1: there's a build up, an accumulation of stress. I think
Speaker 1: I'm not stressed out, but I learned that apparently I am,
Speaker 1: and then I internalize it all, which I blame therapy
Speaker 1: on because before I used to just go off on people.
Speaker 1: Now I keep it to myself. But now I'm fucking suffering,
Speaker 1: so I may have to just go back to my
Speaker 1: old ways. But it's called cardiomyopathy, and it's rising in women,
Speaker 1: like in the last couple of years. I've been sent
Speaker 1: a couple of articles to say, in the last couple
Speaker 1: of years, women between the ages of forty and fifty
Speaker 1: are they're identifying this more and more. And I don't
Speaker 1: know if it's a product of our hearts fighting COVID
Speaker 1: because of the immunity that we're fighting constantly being exposed
Speaker 1: to COVID, or if there's a relationship to the COVID
Speaker 1: right or just the stress all of our bodies have
Speaker 1: been under for the last two years and the toll
Speaker 1: that takes on our immune systems and our hearts it's
Speaker 1: definitely something that's happening. So it's like it mimics what
Speaker 1: would be a minor heart attack, but it's not an attack.
Speaker 1: It's like your heart was bruised. So basically there was
Speaker 1: a section of my heart that wasn't pulsating and contracting
Speaker 1: with along with the rest of it that was. And
Speaker 1: you know, you wouldn't be able to even notice that
Speaker 1: if I was looking at it, but my doctor walked
Speaker 1: me through and we were all looking at my sister.
Speaker 1: Joe was there. He had flown in, so it was scary,
Speaker 1: but then I was very relieved to find out that
Speaker 1: I'm just stressed out and I couldn't exercise for a week,
Speaker 1: which was music to my ears, I mean, minus the
Speaker 1: skiing part, and to take it easy and to really
Speaker 1: identify the things that stress you out that you think
Speaker 1: are not stressing you out. But I just went and
Speaker 1: saw him from my follow up visit and I have
Speaker 1: a clean bill of health and I healed and my
Speaker 1: heart was no longer bruised. Excellent. I'm so glad to
Speaker 1: hear that, Yeah, because I knew something was going on
Speaker 1: before you post it, and I was like, if she's awake,
Speaker 1: she's going to post. Of course. You know, when I
Speaker 1: heard that you had a medical emergency, I was like
Speaker 1: terrified that there was a skiing accident or something like that.
Speaker 1: So I'm I was glad that you posted, but like
Speaker 1: I could see you were kind of shaken. You know.
Speaker 1: I think it's really cool that you're that open with Hey,
Speaker 1: here is like the not as exciting parts of life.
Speaker 1: Things are gonna keep going and everything's gond me. Okay,
Speaker 1: you should have seen my sister Simone. She's like, wait
Speaker 1: a second, because at first we thought maybe I had
Speaker 1: had a heart attack, like a heart attack, and I
Speaker 1: was like what I was like, and Sman goes, oh
Speaker 1: my god, you're she's the healthiest one in our family.
Speaker 1: We all need to get echo cardiograms. We're all fat
Speaker 1: and out of shape. And she's, you know, she's like,
Speaker 1: if she's sick, then the rest of us are screwed.
Speaker 1: But yeah, So luckily it wasn't a major deal. Wasn't
Speaker 1: a big deal, but I did have to cancel a
Speaker 1: lot of shows. Well those shows that weekend, and which
Speaker 1: are you know, obviously we're rescheduled, but so yes, to
Speaker 1: let everybody know that's what that's the story. Well, and
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to be an advocate for
Speaker 1: your health. Like if you have stuff going on, get
Speaker 1: it checked out. So great that you had people in
Speaker 1: your life that were like, no, no, go to the doctor.
Speaker 1: Talk to the doctor, get it dealt with, because that's
Speaker 1: so so important. Yeah right, I know, because I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm fine, I'm fine. But then I just thought, you
Speaker 1: know what, with my history, my father's history, I should
Speaker 1: listen to the doctors. Us I'm not. I kept saying,
Speaker 1: I'm forty two and forty two, and I'm like, you're
Speaker 1: not forty two, And I was like, oh, ship, well,
Speaker 1: I'm really really glad you're on the mend. We have
Speaker 1: a very excited guest today, Pretty Funny. You know him
Speaker 1: as the season eight winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and
Speaker 1: from the hit show We're Here on HBO. He's currently
Speaker 1: headlining a comedy club tour and he also has a
Speaker 1: podcast called Sibling Rivalry with Mona Exchange, and they will
Speaker 1: be on tour together this summer. Please welcome Bob the
Speaker 1: Drag Queen. Oh yeah, hi Bob. Hi there, Hi Bob,
Speaker 1: how are you. I'm well. Good morning to you, miss Handler,
Speaker 1: Good morning to you. Where are you. I'm in Hollywood,
Speaker 1: California in my apartment. Oh my goodness, you are clearly
Speaker 1: not in Hollywood. Where are you? Well with climate change,
Speaker 1: you'll never know. This could be Hollywood, You're like, I'm
Speaker 1: fully in like and this is you in South Africa
Speaker 1: right now. I'm in actually Whistler, Canada, where it is
Speaker 1: pissing rain. Yeah. I saw the video of you with
Speaker 1: the Canadian American flag over your boobs. My nipples. Yes,
Speaker 1: I had to cover up my nipples because I'm a
Speaker 1: decent person. Don't you think it's a bunch of horseship
Speaker 1: that men can walk around with their nipples out, yet
Speaker 1: women have to cover them up and we provide food.
Speaker 1: I agree, I'm fully for the nipple. You know New
Speaker 1: York State, it's one of those places where anyone can
Speaker 1: be topless anywhere in public. There's no laws regarding toplessness
Speaker 1: in New York City. It's a really interesting decommended called
Speaker 1: topless shock syndrome. There's this photographer that used to go
Speaker 1: around New York City and she would just photograph people
Speaker 1: with her shirt off, and she got arrested like four times,
Speaker 1: but then sued the city in a one well, good
Speaker 1: for her exactly. That's how that's time well spent suing
Speaker 1: the city to show your nipples. I like that, Bob.
Speaker 1: First of all, congratulations on winning season eight of RuPaul's
Speaker 1: Drag Race A big feet right, that must have been
Speaker 1: really really exciting feet on, I got dragged me. I
Speaker 1: never getting personal today. And I know you grew up
Speaker 1: in the South, right, Yeah. I grew up in Georgia, Alabama,
Speaker 1: and Mississippi, mostly Georgia, but I was born in Columbus, Georgia,
Speaker 1: and then I later moved to Alabama, Misissippi, where I
Speaker 1: ended up nestling down in Atlanta, Georgia before going to
Speaker 1: New York City for about twelve years. And uh, what
Speaker 1: was that experience like for somebody like you who identifies
Speaker 1: as non binary? Who is? Were you a drag queen
Speaker 1: when you were? I mean, when did you start doing that? No?
Speaker 1: I didn't get infected with drag until I moved to
Speaker 1: New York City much later in life, which was really
Speaker 1: I was actually surrounded by drag way before I ever
Speaker 1: moved to New York City. My mom used to run
Speaker 1: a drag bar called Sensations in Columbus, Georgia, and I
Speaker 1: have a queer uncle who I used to hang out with.
Speaker 1: I would hang out in his apartment and watch Too
Speaker 1: Wong food while he cooked me food. He's made these
Speaker 1: great baked apples. I need to get their recipe from him.
Speaker 1: But then something about you know, mood New York City.
Speaker 1: I saw drag on TV again and I was an
Speaker 1: adult now, and I was like, I'm gonna give it
Speaker 1: a shot. But as far as growing up in the
Speaker 1: South being non binary, you know, I hadn't really discovered
Speaker 1: the the notion of exploring your gender until I moved
Speaker 1: to New York City and started working in the New
Speaker 1: York City night life scene, and I was like, oh, wow,
Speaker 1: you can. Actually I didn't realize you could. You you
Speaker 1: didn't have to be what you were, you know, given
Speaker 1: at birth. What was attractive to you about drag? What
Speaker 1: drew you into that? What do you love about it?
Speaker 1: And what made you want to be a part of
Speaker 1: that world? Well it's so glamorous, right, It's like it's glamor.
Speaker 1: Is is humor, is camp, it is prestige. You get
Speaker 1: to be powerful when you don't actually have a position
Speaker 1: of power. But in this bar, in this place, you're
Speaker 1: a queen. You walk into it. You know, on the outside,
Speaker 1: you feel like you're nothing. You took the train to
Speaker 1: get to work today, you know, you're you're snowing outside,
Speaker 1: and and you worked a job as a waiter all
Speaker 1: days at the Jekylin High club in Midtown Manhattan. And
Speaker 1: then you get to this place and you're met your royalty.
Speaker 1: Everyone's offering them bout you drinks, And I mean, what
Speaker 1: could be more appealing than that? You get to literally
Speaker 1: be roalthy for for a moment, and you well, I
Speaker 1: mean obviously that your mom running a club like that
Speaker 1: in Georgia must have had a big impact for you, right,
Speaker 1: I mean that must have been part of the equation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I reckon, maybe it must have had some impact. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm not a queer trailways in my family. I'm not
Speaker 1: the first queer in my family. I probably won't be
Speaker 1: the last. My mom was queer, my uncle's queer. I
Speaker 1: have a queer cousin who older than I am. So
Speaker 1: I was just one of many. So it wasn't like
Speaker 1: I was one of those folks like you guys don't
Speaker 1: get me. It was like they get me. Theyfully understand
Speaker 1: because they were very much like me. But you know,
Speaker 1: I'm sure that my mom had some sort of impact
Speaker 1: of school. But I was very afraid of drag queens
Speaker 1: when I was younger. My mom had a frien named
Speaker 1: Sidney who told me never to trust drag queens and
Speaker 1: told me that they were dangerous and told me that
Speaker 1: they would he got He got shot by a drag
Speaker 1: queen one time. It was like, drag queens are dangerous,
Speaker 1: don't trust them. And I was like, well, I believe
Speaker 1: you. You You got shot. You have the wounds to prove it. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think I was probably felt that way when I
Speaker 1: was younger too, and wasn't as warms. You know, I
Speaker 1: think anything that's so different from what what the norm is.
Speaker 1: You know, we're just raised to identify with and be
Speaker 1: comfortable with what we know. So unless you're exposed to that,
Speaker 1: it would be like, oh, oh, this is something new,
Speaker 1: and you have to be very open minded to be
Speaker 1: interested in something new. Yeah. I would go as far
Speaker 1: as to say most drag queens have not shot someone.
Speaker 1: I don't have the National Bureau Statistics information on my side,
Speaker 1: but I'm willing to bet the whole farm. I can't
Speaker 1: speak for myself. No, you can't. You certainly cannot speak
Speaker 1: for yourself. It's definitely not. Also, your show on HBO
Speaker 1: We're Here is awesome. Congratulations on that too. What was
Speaker 1: your experience like on RuPaul's Drag Race though, I mean,
Speaker 1: was that a long time dream for you to be
Speaker 1: on that show in the first place? I would imagine,
Speaker 1: so yeah, I mean I would say definitely, um, a
Speaker 1: seven year dream at a time. You know, I started
Speaker 1: doing drag because I saw it on Repaul's Drag Race,
Speaker 1: and I remember being like, this looks like so much fun,
Speaker 1: Like I want to do this, this seems amazing, and
Speaker 1: then I really immerged myself in the scene. But I
Speaker 1: didn't really think about getting on Drag Race right away.
Speaker 1: At first. It was just me in nightlife, just like
Speaker 1: doing drag and having fun. It wasn't really centered around
Speaker 1: trying to get on Drag Race until I can't remember.
Speaker 1: I think season four was the first time I auditioned.
Speaker 1: My friend was like, you got audition for this show,
Speaker 1: and I was like, you know, I'll do it. And
Speaker 1: I auditioned four times before getting cast, and I would
Speaker 1: say it didn't feel like I could actually get cast
Speaker 1: on the show until like my third time audition. The
Speaker 1: first two times I was like, I'm just doing this
Speaker 1: for fun, why not? But by the third time I
Speaker 1: was like, they would be lucky to have me on
Speaker 1: their show. Quite frankly, yeah, I think that's a good
Speaker 1: attitude for us all to take into whatever endeavor we're
Speaker 1: about to dive into, is that people are lucky to
Speaker 1: have us, because the attitude does sail you a long way.
Speaker 1: It really does. Actually, posted in my in my audition tape,
Speaker 1: I said, you know, just you guys know, if you
Speaker 1: cast me, I will win, but also winning drag Race
Speaker 1: won't be the biggest thing I do. And then they
Speaker 1: must have been like, this bit really thinks she is
Speaker 1: some fucking body. I was like, I'm gonna win this show.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna do even bigger things. Heney, this is a
Speaker 1: stepping stone for me, darling, And they were probably like, Wow,
Speaker 1: this bitch is really either completely out of her mind
Speaker 1: or completely right. And it turns out I was right
Speaker 1: and maybe a little bit out of my mind too,
Speaker 1: maybe maybe a little bit of both. Okay, we'll be
Speaker 1: right back. What do you think Because I know a
Speaker 1: lot of people like me who don't have a ton
Speaker 1: of experience other than watching it on television with drag Personally,
Speaker 1: what do you think some of people's kind of uneducated
Speaker 1: misconceptions are. So I live in this really liberal bubble, right,
Speaker 1: Like I forget that most of the world is not
Speaker 1: really up to speed with or most of America because
Speaker 1: I don't know what's going to the rest of the world.
Speaker 1: It's not up to speed with queer culture the way
Speaker 1: that I am. And it honestly kind of blows my mind. Like, so,
Speaker 1: I just did this ad for Verizon and I also
Speaker 1: didn't and of course I'm on a show on HBO,
Speaker 1: And when HBO posted our trailer the the comments, it
Speaker 1: blew my mind. I was like, are there people are
Speaker 1: really out here like this? It was like gross, get
Speaker 1: the fag off my screen, mental illness, sick, gross, disgusting, nasty,
Speaker 1: And I was like, is that really? Is it really
Speaker 1: how a lot of the world is a lot of
Speaker 1: America is or also know they're just a really vocal minority,
Speaker 1: and that's also a possibility as well. It really like
Speaker 1: blew my mind. People were like saying this stuff. So
Speaker 1: then I was like, I don't know, I need to
Speaker 1: post this on my page so that people can like,
Speaker 1: we can get some positive affirmation. So I don't want
Speaker 1: some young queer seeing that and being like, oh, this
Speaker 1: is what the world thinks of me. Can I remember
Speaker 1: having that thought for a long time, thinking to myself,
Speaker 1: this is what the world thinks of me. Okay, nice
Speaker 1: to know where I stand. So you just kind of
Speaker 1: walking too world with a shitty attitude all the time
Speaker 1: because you just think everyone's against you. Yeah, and that
Speaker 1: this is definitely a self defeating prophecy, right, which can
Speaker 1: become a self fulfilling prophecy when you have that defeatist
Speaker 1: attitude and you think that that small group's opinion embody
Speaker 1: a large your opinion of you exactly exactly, So luckily
Speaker 1: I was. I mean, but I've also been able to
Speaker 1: travel to these towns and people think that when you're
Speaker 1: in small town America, it's just going to be a
Speaker 1: bunch of like Clue Klux Klan members coming to your
Speaker 1: hotel to throw you out. But in actuality, very few
Speaker 1: almost no clan members. Um, I can't confirm who is
Speaker 1: you know. They don't wear their hoods and out in
Speaker 1: public anymore these days. They're really not so proud of
Speaker 1: themselves anymore, which I love that we've shamed clans members
Speaker 1: into like not being proud of their silly little dresses. Like,
Speaker 1: isn't the point that I get to go out of
Speaker 1: my dress and be like yes, but the clan members
Speaker 1: have to hide their dresses. I've never even thought about that,
Speaker 1: but like clad members have to hide there there. It's
Speaker 1: like they're they're going back to what I was doing.
Speaker 1: Now they're hiding their dresses in their closets so no
Speaker 1: one knows they're nasty, racist biggest I love that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we'll think about how pissed off they are. They're like great,
Speaker 1: all these drag queens get to go out and dress
Speaker 1: off like and RuPaul's Drag Race is one of the
Speaker 1: most popular shows on television. And we're not allowed to
Speaker 1: wear our white hoods out when we want to go
Speaker 1: show people what we're made of. This is bull I
Speaker 1: imagine they're still their own dread like. I think he's
Speaker 1: so the stressed to the fucking nie. Look at the
Speaker 1: craftsmanship on this goddamn garment, and I put sequels on
Speaker 1: my hood. Now I can't show anyone it is camp clans.
Speaker 1: You look at the clans member outfit they're just it's
Speaker 1: so campy. It's so campy. It's like, you guys could
Speaker 1: if you could have put this craftsmanship in artistry into
Speaker 1: something positive, you could have really been big. It's also
Speaker 1: that outfit. It's really taking yourself too seriously, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. They're not having fun with that at all.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's nothing creative, there's nothing. It's just like
Speaker 1: it's It's another example of why those people are so
Speaker 1: out to lunch because they think that that's a good look,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and that they go for
Speaker 1: a rebranding. They can go for a rebranding, maybe bringing
Speaker 1: Christian Ciriano to just kind of look over the outfits
Speaker 1: and be like, I just have a couple of notes.
Speaker 1: I feel like, if you just change the m line,
Speaker 1: change the silhouette, you guys have really been rocking the
Speaker 1: same silhouette for almost a hundred years. It's time to
Speaker 1: try something new. If you were in the same outfits
Speaker 1: you were wearing in the first iteration when you were
Speaker 1: first on Stone Mountain, I think it's time to try
Speaker 1: something new. But what do I know. I'm just a
Speaker 1: drag queen. So talk to me a little bit about
Speaker 1: like self worth, self esteem. We talked a lot about
Speaker 1: on this On the podcast, We're going to talk to
Speaker 1: callers who call in for advice on various subjects, but
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you personally first about where
Speaker 1: you lie with regard to your own self worth, your
Speaker 1: own self esteem, how you became so confident and if
Speaker 1: that is an ongoing conversation with yourself. So it's really
Speaker 1: I don't want to say it's fake it till you
Speaker 1: make it, because I do have confidence in some areas,
Speaker 1: and I like to focus on where I have confidence. Okay,
Speaker 1: For example, one of our common friends, Mateo Lane, who
Speaker 1: opens for you on tour a lot Matteyol is one
Speaker 1: of my best friends in the world. Mateo is one
Speaker 1: of the most insecure people. He by the way, I'm
Speaker 1: not spilling his tea. He says all the time. He
Speaker 1: is a nervous nelly of a gay man, just an
Speaker 1: Italian woman walking around with a mustache and heatless topless
Speaker 1: all the time. And he is just, I mean, like
Speaker 1: nervous all the time. So he and I would go
Speaker 1: out some time and I'll just be really bold and
Speaker 1: he'll be like, how are you so both I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: I feel like, but then I'll be in other scenarios
Speaker 1: where I don't feel so bold. For example, you and
Speaker 1: I were both at the Fast and Furious five premier
Speaker 1: party on the Paramount Lot, you and me, or you
Speaker 1: and Mateo. You were there, I was there. You were there. No,
Speaker 1: it was Charlie. Sorry. You know what, I don't remember
Speaker 1: anything I've ever done. I've forgotten more than most people
Speaker 1: will ever remember. So I'm looking at I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that's Oh, that's Jelsea Handler as my best friends obsessed
Speaker 1: with you. And when I say obsessed, like has like
Speaker 1: hunted you down around the world. That sounds creepy, hunted
Speaker 1: you far and wide around the world trying to come
Speaker 1: to your show that then end up like the I
Speaker 1: think the one in Vegas or somewhere got canceled anyway,
Speaker 1: and then also she came to the one in New
Speaker 1: York City, became late, like got on the wrong plane,
Speaker 1: and then try to go to the one and I
Speaker 1: think Portland's, and then that when canceled money. Yeah, she's
Speaker 1: got it bad. She's got it bad. So I was like,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go over say hey to Chelsea, because Butteo
Speaker 1: is a coming friend and and talked to about my
Speaker 1: friend Mon, who's who's obsested with you? And then I
Speaker 1: was just kind of like, nah, I don't have the
Speaker 1: confidence to go in there and be like, hey, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: my name is Bob the Drag Queen and we have
Speaker 1: a friend in common. So there are instance of my
Speaker 1: life where I have so much confidence. But it's what
Speaker 1: I know I'm good at. Like I know for the
Speaker 1: fact that I can go into the room make people laugh.
Speaker 1: I know that I can turn a fierce look, but
Speaker 1: I don't always know that I can have the best
Speaker 1: social skills. And in settings like parties and stuff. I
Speaker 1: don't drink or anything, and I feel like back when
Speaker 1: I did drink, I was probably more apt to just
Speaker 1: smooz schmooze at a party, and nowadays I really only
Speaker 1: feel comfortable schmoozing if it's my party, if it's my like,
Speaker 1: if I have a position of power at the party,
Speaker 1: I don't talk to anyone. I don't give a funk.
Speaker 1: I'll talk to anyone. But sometimes I'm kind of like,
Speaker 1: I just moved to Hollywood, so I'm really kind of
Speaker 1: adjusting to what it's like to be in this in
Speaker 1: this world. Yeah, which will also do a number on
Speaker 1: your psyche if you're not healthy enough about your own
Speaker 1: self worth, etcetera. And I think what you mentioned is good.
Speaker 1: It's like, it's good for people to know what they
Speaker 1: are good at because a lot of people think, oh,
Speaker 1: I can't do that, I can't approach this person. Or
Speaker 1: it's like, focus on the skills that you do have,
Speaker 1: that you are confident about, and use those. You don't
Speaker 1: have to be good at everything exactly. There's there's nothing
Speaker 1: wrong with leaning into what you know you're good at
Speaker 1: and also honestly surround yourself with people who are gonna
Speaker 1: boost you up for what you're good at. That's what
Speaker 1: I love about the New York City drag scene. I
Speaker 1: had horrible makeup for years, Chelsea. I mean disgusting, bad,
Speaker 1: god awful makeup for a very long time. But no
Speaker 1: one in New York City ever told me because they're
Speaker 1: all just focusing on how funny I was, how entertaining
Speaker 1: my shows were, that kind of stuff. So then I
Speaker 1: gotta repause drag rates, and everyone's like, bit, you look gross,
Speaker 1: and that was like you must be you must have
Speaker 1: be mistaken for someone else because I I have on
Speaker 1: good faith that I look gorgeous, Like, now you look
Speaker 1: nasty as hell. You need to fix this whole thing.
Speaker 1: But then I got back and I was like me
Speaker 1: and maybe I could have worked on a little bit more.
Speaker 1: But I tend to around myself. People who boost me
Speaker 1: up for what i'm good at a suppose to people
Speaker 1: who tear me down when I'm not great at. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I can't be great at everything. By the way, when ever,
Speaker 1: anybody enters the scene of Hollywood, you look a lot
Speaker 1: worse than you think you do. Because for the first
Speaker 1: few years of Chelsea Lately, I had the worst makeup.
Speaker 1: I had blue eyeshadow on. I looked like I had
Speaker 1: freckles all over my face that I don't even think
Speaker 1: we're real. I think she was applying them, and I
Speaker 1: mean just terrible hairstyles and everything. And then it wasn't
Speaker 1: until somebody was like, hey, you need to get a
Speaker 1: new hair and makeup person that I was like, wait,
Speaker 1: what do you mean? And because I wouldn't watch my
Speaker 1: show it was too much I had come from my show,
Speaker 1: I couldn't watch it. And then when I watched it,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh shit, I do look ridiculous, you know,
Speaker 1: So that is just part of entering Hollywood, Like you
Speaker 1: have to understand what the balance is and how to
Speaker 1: look your best. I've ever been like full drag? Have
Speaker 1: ever been like full you would look so fucking snatched
Speaker 1: and oh my god, but I feel like I've already
Speaker 1: looked like I was in full drag without a too.
Speaker 1: I want to put you in like divide, I mean,
Speaker 1: I want I want someone to do it. Do it,
Speaker 1: put me in whatever you want. Let's do it with
Speaker 1: your girlfriend who keeps missing my shows. By the way,
Speaker 1: By the way, give me her info or give it
Speaker 1: to Catherine, because where does she live here in l A.
Speaker 1: She's been traveling around She like flutes. It's flute to
Speaker 1: New York City to be in the show, and then
Speaker 1: Mr Fly went to port like she is traveling around
Speaker 1: the world to try to find you. Okay, well, I'm
Speaker 1: doing two shows at the Wiltern in Los Angeles. I'll
Speaker 1: hook her up with tickets for that. So, yeah, that's
Speaker 1: not her fault that she can't book a flight and
Speaker 1: that she's getting her cities confused, she said, So I
Speaker 1: want you to let her know and if whoever lets
Speaker 1: her know, if they get if she gets a VP
Speaker 1: or whatever. I need her to know that I'm the
Speaker 1: one who got her these tickets have obviously, what are
Speaker 1: we gonna do? Just come in, They're gonna fall out
Speaker 1: of the sky. No, it's penny. It's a penny thing,
Speaker 1: and it needs to be like. I want you to
Speaker 1: know that Bob the drag Queen allowed you to come. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll even exaggerate. And so you tracked me down, You
Speaker 1: who showed up at my house to demand tickets for
Speaker 1: your friend. And that's the kind of friend you are,
Speaker 1: and that she should be indebted to you for the
Speaker 1: rest of her life. And I liked you every since
Speaker 1: I knew I liked you. I knew I loved you
Speaker 1: ever since the first time I saw you, ever since
Speaker 1: the first time you saw me decided not to approach me.
Speaker 1: What are you drinking there? Frappuccino? This is a binty
Speaker 1: espresso frappuccino with almond milk. I don't order my own coffee.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend orders coffee and then just gets me wherever
Speaker 1: he gets so he just doubles up with his order
Speaker 1: and then I just drink whatever is handed to me
Speaker 1: every day. What's up with your boyfriend? Tell me about
Speaker 1: your relationship. Is it a healthy one? Yeah, it's Jacob
Speaker 1: came here. So it's I have two partners actually, and
Speaker 1: right now I'm in the home with my partner, Jake.
Speaker 1: I don't know, he's probably downstairs or something right now, Jacob,
Speaker 1: are you in here? Oh? So this is my partner, Jacob.
Speaker 1: He is. He and I've been together for almost five years. Now.
Speaker 1: This is my cute little Jacob cute. She's how you doing?
Speaker 1: All right, that's enough for you. Get the funk out
Speaker 1: of here, Jacob. Now, okay. We worked together on my company,
Speaker 1: on my podcast US and my drag and my YouTube page.
Speaker 1: He's a photographer. Here's all my photographs. And I have
Speaker 1: another partner named Ezra. So I am polyamorous and they're friends,
Speaker 1: but we live separately. Me and Ezra live about four
Speaker 1: minutes from here, and Jacob and I live right here.
Speaker 1: Polyamory is very expensive in case, Yeah it does. You
Speaker 1: know what it does sound very expensive and it sounds
Speaker 1: very time consuming. But I guess that's part of the package, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, so there's this thing where we're open, right,
Speaker 1: so like we don't, we don't we're not exclusive, like
Speaker 1: only you and me, and it's not like that with us.
Speaker 1: But there is this thing where I go back and
Speaker 1: forth from each place, like literally every day, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: leave here and go over to see Ezra after this actually,
Speaker 1: but then I realized, I was like, you guys each
Speaker 1: have like a day to yourselves, and I am bouncing
Speaker 1: back and I don't have a day to myself. So
Speaker 1: it is very time consuming, but I wouldn't have any
Speaker 1: other way. I love them both so much. I'm really
Speaker 1: grateful to have them in my life. I mean, I'm
Speaker 1: really lucky to have found two people who like uplift
Speaker 1: me and support me, and I think I'm funny, and
Speaker 1: I think they're both really talented. Nothing's worse than day
Speaker 1: someone I don't I wouldn't know en or done this.
Speaker 1: I have a friend who did. Who did it? Actually
Speaker 1: dating someone and you hate their art but you can't
Speaker 1: say it, like imagine if you hated your partner's comedy
Speaker 1: and you were like this is imagine. Yeah. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: remember being with someone that I disliked a great deal.
Speaker 1: He wasn't necessarily an artist, but I dated him and
Speaker 1: I was in love with him, but I did not
Speaker 1: like him, and I didn't like anything you know that
Speaker 1: he represented. And I remember thinking, what an interesting dichotomy
Speaker 1: to be in a relationship with somebody who you really
Speaker 1: because if you don't like somebody, you don't respect them.
Speaker 1: So you can be in like or I mean in
Speaker 1: love or lust or whatever it is. The chemistry can
Speaker 1: draw you in, but when you don't respect somebody, then
Speaker 1: there's really nothing to build off of. I agree. And
Speaker 1: and Jacob is a really fucking great photographer and back.
Speaker 1: If you look on my Instagram, pretty much every picture
Speaker 1: I've ever posted is from Jacob for the last like
Speaker 1: four years. He's really phenomenal. And my partner as as
Speaker 1: a musician who I admire greatly. He's a really great
Speaker 1: singer songwriter, and I'm really I'm really grateful for both
Speaker 1: of them. So talk to me a little bit more
Speaker 1: about polyamory so our listeners can have an understanding that
Speaker 1: that is a respect full relationship on both sides, right,
Speaker 1: because people obviously are super judgy about polyamory and don't
Speaker 1: understand it. It is true. I think most people's reservations
Speaker 1: around polyamory stem from their own insecurities and understanding of
Speaker 1: their own jealousy, and they say stuff like I could never.
Speaker 1: There's something I stopped saying a long time ago. I
Speaker 1: think the last time I said I could never unless
Speaker 1: there's something I physically couldn't do. I used to be
Speaker 1: vegan years ago, and I remember I used to always
Speaker 1: say I could I could literally I could literally never
Speaker 1: go vegan, when the truth is I just literally wouldn't
Speaker 1: go vegan. I'm not vegan anymore. But I remember at
Speaker 1: the time thing like I just realized, like I'm really
Speaker 1: placing this whole thing on mysel, on myself. That's not
Speaker 1: actually truight, I fully could. So I have two partners.
Speaker 1: They do not date each other. They're not in a relationship,
Speaker 1: and that's a problem, right, That wouldn't be acceptable to you.
Speaker 1: If they did have a relationship, No, that would be wonderful.
Speaker 1: I don't think they're really each other type. Yes, I
Speaker 1: don't think they're really they're really into each other very much.
Speaker 1: They're both very much bottoms and not trying to get
Speaker 1: with each other. But now that would it wouldn't be
Speaker 1: about a problem for me at all, because you know, Ezra,
Speaker 1: my other partner has had partners while we've been together. Actually,
Speaker 1: when I met him, he had a girlfriend. Um, he's
Speaker 1: had like three girlfriends since I met him, and one boyfriend,
Speaker 1: and I liked them. I mean they're they're really cool people,
Speaker 1: you know, and you meet them and you hang out
Speaker 1: with them, Like, how does that work? I didn't meet
Speaker 1: his boyfriend, but that was during the pandemic. They were
Speaker 1: dating when we were like because at the time I
Speaker 1: was living in New York City and he was living
Speaker 1: in l A and him and his boyfriend were living
Speaker 1: here and it was also very short lived and I
Speaker 1: never met him, but I met all his girlfriends and
Speaker 1: they're really lovely. I mean, you gotta just meet and
Speaker 1: if you understand that this is bringing your partner happiness
Speaker 1: and they're legitimately happy for me, it is really hard
Speaker 1: to judge that or feel bad about that. You know,
Speaker 1: in the polyamor of the the compulsion, which is where
Speaker 1: you get joy and love and warm filling from seeing
Speaker 1: someone else bring your partner love and joy. Like my partner,
Speaker 1: Jacob loves to um sing musicals like at Marie's Crisis
Speaker 1: in New York City, and one of my favorite members
Speaker 1: of him is on this cruise ship. He was singing
Speaker 1: this is so gay. He was singing Jacobs. The song
Speaker 1: you were singing from Wicked Loathing? Yeah, what is his fielding?
Speaker 1: So suddenly he was just like standing there, just like
Speaker 1: singing at the top of his lungs, singing like loath.
Speaker 1: He's like an adult gerrained love thing. I want you
Speaker 1: to I want you to picture Jacob. Jacob was about
Speaker 1: five ft six. He wears glasses. He dresses in all black.
Speaker 1: Usually he's kind of pale. He's like, he's a Jewish guy.
Speaker 1: He looks Jewish. You are kind of pale, baby, And
Speaker 1: he's like singing this song at the top of his
Speaker 1: lung and he was just having so much fun and
Speaker 1: just like really enjoying himself. And I just remember thinking myself, like,
Speaker 1: I love seeing my partner this happy. And whenever I
Speaker 1: would see Ezra with his girlfriend and would bring him
Speaker 1: so much joy, it would actually bring me joy to
Speaker 1: see him that happy. I loved it. Yeah, that's as
Speaker 1: I think. That's a mindset that most people aren't comfortable with.
Speaker 1: They can't think about it in that way. And you say, yeah,
Speaker 1: you're kind of divorcing yourself from sort of any jealous feeling, right, Well,
Speaker 1: that's not true. I get jealous all the time. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm jealous, but of different things. I'm not necessarily jealous
Speaker 1: that my partner has a different partner. I mean, sometimes
Speaker 1: I'm jealous if one of my partners hooks up with
Speaker 1: a guy that I want to hook up with, but
Speaker 1: I know that I'm not at type someone that would
Speaker 1: have been great, but too bad. I get jealous when
Speaker 1: my friends get gigs that I want, I get jealous.
Speaker 1: I get I'm jealous that my best friend I keep
Speaker 1: telling you about is losing weight and I keep gaining it.
Speaker 1: I'm sure this fucking Frappa Mapu bullshit's not helped me
Speaker 1: lose weight. But I mean, I get jealous all the time,
Speaker 1: but I don't let it consume me. I think that
Speaker 1: jealous is a perfectly normal thing to feel, and trying
Speaker 1: to not feel jealousy feels unhuman. Just acknowledge it and
Speaker 1: move forward. Do you think you would ever open up
Speaker 1: your relationship? Would you ever? I don't think Joe would
Speaker 1: be in to that. He's very He's tricky with any
Speaker 1: talk of We had a girlfriend over here the other
Speaker 1: day who was talking about making out with some guy.
Speaker 1: And she had a boyfriend, and she was talking about
Speaker 1: making out with a guy and Joe. I was like,
Speaker 1: this isn't gonna go well. It was like, he's Filipino,
Speaker 1: so he comes from this Catholic upbringing and it's very
Speaker 1: traditional and it's like and I just saw the cover.
Speaker 1: I was like, it was like a balloon losing its air.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, this conversation is going south. But
Speaker 1: back to the jealousy thing with regard to your boyfriend
Speaker 1: losing weight. My my boyfriend, Joe has We've been skiing
Speaker 1: for the last couple of months up here in Canada,
Speaker 1: and he loses a pound to day every morning. I
Speaker 1: might get on the scale. I want to see he's
Speaker 1: lost effortlessly because he eats whatever he wants, he does
Speaker 1: what every want. And meanwhile, I'm my body's atrophying. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, listen if you need to stop, because I'm
Speaker 1: gaining weight and he's losing weight, and I'm like, it's
Speaker 1: soon the two shell meet and I don't need our
Speaker 1: numbers to be aligning on the scale. I'm like, there's
Speaker 1: only room for one fucking hot body in this relationship
Speaker 1: and it's not you so cool it with the weight loss.
Speaker 1: I'm like, if you lose any more weight, you're just
Speaker 1: going to be a voice that's standing behind me, and
Speaker 1: no one's even gonna be able to identify you well
Speaker 1: with me, We've made it so annoying. It's it's not my,
Speaker 1: it's not my. My boyfriend's my best friend. And when
Speaker 1: we met, I was so much skinnier than than than
Speaker 1: this is the one who's chasing around. I was so
Speaker 1: much skinnier than her. I was like a waif of
Speaker 1: a person. I was so skinny. And then I just
Speaker 1: I'm older than this year is. I've gained some weight.
Speaker 1: I'm thirty five. My friend is thirty two, and I
Speaker 1: think that that's just enough time in this particular age
Speaker 1: range where you kind of cross thirty where your metabolism
Speaker 1: really slows down. Plus, my lifestyle has gotten a lot
Speaker 1: less active. I was like really at working out, and
Speaker 1: then I just kind of start eating whatever, and I
Speaker 1: got depressed. But then when I got depressed, start eating.
Speaker 1: She was like, I'm working out every day. She has
Speaker 1: this new boyfriend, and she's like, I'm always gonna hit
Speaker 1: the gym, which, by the way, that will not last. Know,
Speaker 1: when you first hurting someone, you're like, I gotta be
Speaker 1: so hot for them, and they have the while you're like,
Speaker 1: once you know you got them and they're not leaving you,
Speaker 1: like you start to rest on your laurels as they say,
Speaker 1: oh yeah, yeah. Once you start starting in bed is
Speaker 1: when it's all right, like wraps up. That's when it
Speaker 1: just goes out the window. And I started doing that,
Speaker 1: and that's and I haven't worked I've stopped working out actually,
Speaker 1: so it's completely true what you're saying, and I'm living
Speaker 1: it right now. Once I knew that he would accept
Speaker 1: me under any circumstances, I figure, why not just let
Speaker 1: it rip? Then I agree. The last thing you to
Speaker 1: let me know is that I'm good. And then I'm like, whoa, whoa,
Speaker 1: this is great. I'm so happy to be out of Yes,
Speaker 1: all right, so Catherine, we are going to take some callers,
Speaker 1: so you know what we're doing. We're gonna give advice,
Speaker 1: you know, off the top of our head to just
Speaker 1: random people who need it, who just need a little
Speaker 1: push in a certain direction. And uh yeah, and so
Speaker 1: some of the calls are pretty serious and some of
Speaker 1: them are not. All right, let's let's do it awesome.
Speaker 1: Before we do that, we're gonn to take a quick
Speaker 1: break for some ads and we'll be right back. We'll
Speaker 1: be right back, and we're back. We're back. We're black,
Speaker 1: We're back. And Bob the Drag Queen is black. I am,
Speaker 1: and I have been the whole show. I don't want
Speaker 1: to surprise anyone, you know what. We actually had someone
Speaker 1: right into the Dear Chelsea Project email and they were
Speaker 1: complaining that like we didn't have enough callers who were
Speaker 1: people of color or you know, emails from people of color,
Speaker 1: and I, you know, I just wanted to be like,
Speaker 1: do you know that you don't know what raised someone
Speaker 1: is from what their first name is or their email
Speaker 1: is or whatever, like, because I'm here seeing like pictures
Speaker 1: of people and last names and things like that, and
Speaker 1: it's like we just you don't know from their voice
Speaker 1: what raised someone is. But I think everyone can hear me.
Speaker 1: I sound black, and I understand that. I know that
Speaker 1: you know that I am black and gay. That is
Speaker 1: like here, I I sound like what I look like. UM,
Speaker 1: but not everyone has that ability. I understand it is
Speaker 1: it is a plus. It's a wonderful thing. We should honestly,
Speaker 1: everyone should calling and be like, Hi, I'm I'm a
Speaker 1: black faggot anyway, um, I want to say yes, yes, Keith.
Speaker 1: And your voice is so wondering what I'm interrupting you
Speaker 1: to tell you how read your voices? But you have
Speaker 1: a great voice. Thank you. That's so sweet. I have
Speaker 1: a little Midwestern accent, so i've I don't know, since
Speaker 1: moving to Los Angeles. I'm a little self conscious about
Speaker 1: that because people are like, where are you from? Like
Speaker 1: I'm a total yokel. I'm from outside of Chicago. Just
Speaker 1: enough charm. My friend who moved to New York City
Speaker 1: tried to get rid of their their Midwestern accent, so
Speaker 1: they didn't want to say like drag or bague. They
Speaker 1: would say drag or bag, but they thought that the
Speaker 1: word they thought the word vague was actually pronounced that
Speaker 1: because of their accent. Anyway, sorry, go ahead. How did
Speaker 1: they pronounce vagina? VEGANA, Well, that's what I'm gonna are doing. No,
Speaker 1: thank you, Bob, I really appreciate that. So our first
Speaker 1: email comes from Aaron in Texas. She says, Dear Chelsea,
Speaker 1: I have a naturally projected voice that can often be
Speaker 1: the loudest in a room without my intentionally raising it
Speaker 1: A blessing sometimes but often accurse. How can I improve
Speaker 1: my self awareness of this and learn how to quote
Speaker 1: mute myself without having to constantly think about it. My
Speaker 1: husband often asks me to quiet down, even in our
Speaker 1: own house, and I come from a very loud talking family.
Speaker 1: Plus I'm from Texas, so I suppose I'm unnecessarily loud, proud,
Speaker 1: and extremely annoying by environmental nature. I'd like to improve
Speaker 1: my social communication skills, avoid resentment from my software speaking husband,
Speaker 1: and not be the most annoying person in the room
Speaker 1: if I can help it. So what's the best way
Speaker 1: to work on this and retrain my voice to chill
Speaker 1: out a bit instead of letting it roar. Thank you
Speaker 1: for your time, Aaron allowed, talking Texan who would like
Speaker 1: to be better. Oh well, Bob, it sounds like that
Speaker 1: you guys might have something. Okay, you caught me. I
Speaker 1: disguised myself as a woman from Texas and I wrote
Speaker 1: a letter And honestly can't tell this person is black
Speaker 1: or white because I feel like this they could be either.
Speaker 1: But I also felt like a black woman's husband would
Speaker 1: not ask them to be quiet, like I can't bath them.
Speaker 1: A world where a black woman's husband is like, can
Speaker 1: you please, I'm not happening. But I know this type
Speaker 1: of woman, this Texas you know texts in kind of loud. Yes,
Speaker 1: I know this type of woman. I have had this
Speaker 1: feedback since I was a small child. Like I remember
Speaker 1: my parents would tuck me and they'd be like, I'm
Speaker 1: right here. You don't have to speak so loud, Chelsea.
Speaker 1: Have you ever had that situation? Yes, yes, I am.
Speaker 1: I do modulate my because yeah, and I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people have it. It's not uncommon, and it does.
Speaker 1: It does depend a lot on your upbringing and the
Speaker 1: way that you were raised and how large how to
Speaker 1: talk to be heard in your family. So those are
Speaker 1: all qualifying factors that make an impact on how you
Speaker 1: turn out. But it is nice not to be the
Speaker 1: loudest person in the room. You sometimes need to be
Speaker 1: when you're a child and you're growing up with six
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters like I did, I needed to be
Speaker 1: the loudest child in the room. But you know, I
Speaker 1: learned as an adult that sometimes you can make more
Speaker 1: of an impact without screaming. Where do you fall in
Speaker 1: the in the in the line of kids, Are you
Speaker 1: like the middle youngest, I'm the youngest. You were like
Speaker 1: loud and the baby I was allowed count baby is
Speaker 1: what I was. I was like, hey, everybody, get the
Speaker 1: funk out of my way, because this is my turn.
Speaker 1: It's my show now. And my brothers and sisters didn't
Speaker 1: know what had happened. I was really just a nightmare.
Speaker 1: And I came out screaming and sold my older sister,
Speaker 1: who had been the youngest for six years. I stole
Speaker 1: her thunder. But you know, that was a childlike reaction
Speaker 1: to a situation. And as you get older, you realize
Speaker 1: you don't always have to be the loudest person in
Speaker 1: the room, and sometimes it's much more more impactful sometimes
Speaker 1: to be you know, to modulate your delivery and to
Speaker 1: be calm and to and to be a good listener.
Speaker 1: You know, I think when you when you listen a lot,
Speaker 1: you start to calm down a lot, and you realize
Speaker 1: that it's not that you're trying to make a scene,
Speaker 1: but there's a part of you that wants to be
Speaker 1: heard so much that that's worth letting go at some
Speaker 1: point of your life. You know, when you're a really
Speaker 1: loud person, but sometimes people just talk loudly and they
Speaker 1: don't you know. Joe is a comedian and he's on
Speaker 1: stage all the time, and he is partially I believe
Speaker 1: deaf because he'll wake up and I'm like, hey, fun face,
Speaker 1: morning voice, it's morning time. Stop screaming, Or he'll play
Speaker 1: something on his phone to show me and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: you know, like can you not hear that? That's not
Speaker 1: an appropriate indoor volume. So some people just aren't aware
Speaker 1: and are slightly deaf, So you might want to get
Speaker 1: your hearing ship go to the doctor. Texas girl, I
Speaker 1: will say, there's your Like, feeling like the loudest person
Speaker 1: in the room does feel powerful, but then when you
Speaker 1: see the person who is the loudest in the room
Speaker 1: and it's not you, You're like, this bitch sounds obnoxious,
Speaker 1: like why is she screaming? So I would say being
Speaker 1: the loudest person feels good, but observing the loudest person,
Speaker 1: especially when you are loud and someone comes in louder
Speaker 1: than you, You're like this, why why all this? Why
Speaker 1: do you need to be this fucking loud? But there's
Speaker 1: a difference between like being loud and just talking too much.
Speaker 1: I have always talked too much and I'm very loud,
Speaker 1: but my whole family is loud, except my brother have
Speaker 1: a very quiet brother, and me and my mom are
Speaker 1: just so loud. I don't even know how he lived
Speaker 1: in the house with us. We are like, me and
Speaker 1: my mom are very funny, We're very quick witted. And
Speaker 1: my brother is kind of like Boom Howard from King
Speaker 1: of the Hill. He has like a real thick Southern accent,
Speaker 1: like a black So the next day he's like man
Speaker 1: career mount, you know, like he's unintelligible. And me and
Speaker 1: my mom are like just zipping being bang women all
Speaker 1: the time. But whenever I do tap into my quiet energy,
Speaker 1: it does feel powerful. It feels like, oh, they don't
Speaker 1: know anything about me, honey. I agree with that, because
Speaker 1: that is an exercise that I tried a lot after
Speaker 1: therapy to try not to be the center of every
Speaker 1: dinner party or every conversation. Like my habit of trying
Speaker 1: to be the center of attention abated a lot, and
Speaker 1: I really had a desire to listen, be still, kind
Speaker 1: of take in and perceive rather than output. And that
Speaker 1: is a powerful game and a challenge for every person
Speaker 1: to do. You know who has that habit of being
Speaker 1: loud and being overly I don't know. I mean there's
Speaker 1: a power in pulling that back, and it's a good
Speaker 1: fun like challenge for yourself. So it's kind of like
Speaker 1: hard when the person who is the center team and
Speaker 1: that you like isn't as funny as you. You're like,
Speaker 1: I would kill like. I wouldn't be killing if I
Speaker 1: was like, you're not that funny, you're not that cute.
Speaker 1: You know, I should take the reins. I'll be the
Speaker 1: centing because you're not doing a good job at it.
Speaker 1: I was trying to be quiet all day, so I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have to just lean in here and crack this
Speaker 1: room up. Yeah. Or you get to a point where
Speaker 1: you are welcoming, you welcome someone else who's the center
Speaker 1: of attend because that's a load off of your back.
Speaker 1: That is true. I have a friend up here and
Speaker 1: Whistler who just doesn't shut the funk up. Ever, her
Speaker 1: name is and and she you see her on the
Speaker 1: ski lift, and she doesn't shut the funk up from
Speaker 1: the time you get on the chair to the top
Speaker 1: of the mountain, and then when you're skiing you can
Speaker 1: still hear her talking. And I love it because I
Speaker 1: don't have to do anything. I just relax and enjoy
Speaker 1: the show. I don't think you're gonna say her name
Speaker 1: and give her a location every day at three o'clock.
Speaker 1: Angela Thomas is her name, is her full name. Everybody
Speaker 1: look out for her. And if you live in Whistler
Speaker 1: you already know who the funk she is. Can we
Speaker 1: hear her on this game The Screamer and Whistler. She
Speaker 1: listens to this all the time too. She's gonna love it.
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helps you. Texas. You're gonna just try and
Speaker 1: play a little challenge with yourself, and especially if it
Speaker 1: annoys your husband, that's not invalid. It's not like he's
Speaker 1: saying he doesn't like your personality. It's just the decibel
Speaker 1: in which you speak, So like make the adjustment, and
Speaker 1: that could be a fun kind of like for play situation.
Speaker 1: You know, it's kind of fun to turn them on
Speaker 1: and be like, yeah, look at me, I got my
Speaker 1: ship together. I'm not screaming anymore at parties now you
Speaker 1: really want to get fucked, do your bedroom voice. Everyone
Speaker 1: has the bedroom volume, you know, well, accept my my
Speaker 1: boyfriend is he speaks when we're having sex. He speaks
Speaker 1: at the same volume and tone that he does when
Speaker 1: we're not having sex. Which boyfriend? First of all, Jacob,
Speaker 1: he's the one we met. Yeah, he just talks in
Speaker 1: the same tone and the same volume and the same
Speaker 1: boys as when we're just like, you know, going to
Speaker 1: the sore. It's very weird. That's funny. That's a funny
Speaker 1: thing to do. Hi, thank you deeper. Yeah. Literally, it's like,
Speaker 1: let's let's let's move over to a new position and
Speaker 1: that boys, let's let's let's let's switch positions. Now that
Speaker 1: coffee is really kicking in. Yeah, look at him bouncing
Speaker 1: off the walls. I'm normally a tea person, or have
Speaker 1: switched to tea, but on recording days I do coffee
Speaker 1: as well. So I wish I didn't hate tea so much,
Speaker 1: you know, I didn't. I wish I didn't find tea
Speaker 1: so fucking boring. It's just so boring. The tea with milk,
Speaker 1: like the what's that? The what's that? You know, it's
Speaker 1: like a lot chi Chi is great tea. That's good.
Speaker 1: I like Chi. I have chis when I go to
Speaker 1: Starbucks because I'm not really a coffee drinker either, But
Speaker 1: when I do have tea at a restaurant, like when
Speaker 1: someone orders to you I'm like, oh, that sounds nice,
Speaker 1: I'll have one, and then I have it and I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: this is nice, but I just never desire it. Oh
Speaker 1: for sure, unless you marry God this out. Sweet tea
Speaker 1: is a fucking game changer. It's it's it is not
Speaker 1: what you think. It does give you any because it's
Speaker 1: cappying in it. But sweet tea is unlike any tea
Speaker 1: in the world. I am an avid drinker of sweet
Speaker 1: tea when I go home, and I can't believe I'm
Speaker 1: saying this, but McDonald's actually has really fucking good sweet tea. Listen,
Speaker 1: let's not be dishonest here. McDonald's has a lot of
Speaker 1: good options and they're all fucking delicious. Thank you for
Speaker 1: saying that. Because they hate these Hollywood types who like,
Speaker 1: when you're hanging out and you want to go eat
Speaker 1: somewhere and you say jack in the box. Now I
Speaker 1: look at you like you're crazy, Like, bitch, don't act
Speaker 1: like you don't eat fast food. I hate people who
Speaker 1: don't eat fast food and act like their royalty and
Speaker 1: they say something like, oh, I don't eat fast food. Up. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: we can all agree that it's not healthy and that
Speaker 1: that's it's not going to help you in any situation
Speaker 1: be healthy or lose weight or whatever your desires are.
Speaker 1: But we have to all acknowledge that it's delicious. Thank you,
Speaker 1: Thank you, Chelsea of course, girl of course. Well, on
Speaker 1: that note, we have a caller. Her name is Samantha.
Speaker 1: Just perfect. Dear Chelsea and co in one. At a
Speaker 1: low point in my marriage, I did something horrible and
Speaker 1: cheated on my partner, even though the other man and
Speaker 1: I only slept together once. We had been flirting and
Speaker 1: talking about sleeping together for about a year. I felt
Speaker 1: so guilty after I physically cheated that I immediately told
Speaker 1: my husband after it happened. It was rocky for a while,
Speaker 1: but we both really changed our lives around and worked
Speaker 1: on ourselves and our relationship, and we're better than we
Speaker 1: ever have been. The part I need advice on is
Speaker 1: how to get over the man I cheated with. My
Speaker 1: friends seem not to understand how it could still hold
Speaker 1: feelings for the man I cheated with since things are
Speaker 1: going so well in my marriage now. It's complicated even
Speaker 1: further because the man I cheated with is my childhood
Speaker 1: friend's brother, so I'll most likely have to see him
Speaker 1: again at things like weddings, etcetera. I haven't talked to
Speaker 1: him since the night we slept together, and I feel
Speaker 1: like I never really got closure. I know from my
Speaker 1: therapist that closure is something you give yourself, but I
Speaker 1: can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him,
Speaker 1: and it's affecting the relationship I have with my friend
Speaker 1: as well as my marriage. Samantha. Mm hmmm, Hi, Samantha, Hi, Hi,
Speaker 1: I just want to start about saying nice. Try Jada
Speaker 1: Pinkett Smith. We know that's you, No kidding, Sorry, go ahead, Jasey, Yeah,
Speaker 1: Jada Pinkets was a nice way to disguise yourself as
Speaker 1: a white woman named Samantha. Okay, way to fucking go. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you have an entanglement, Okay. So Bob the drag Queen
Speaker 1: is in a polyamorous relationship, So Bob, why don't you
Speaker 1: go first? And then I'll weigh in from somebody who's
Speaker 1: in a monogamous relationship, because these are two different perspectives.
Speaker 1: So I think that no matter what relationship in, whether
Speaker 1: it be polyamorous, monogamous, even if it's a friendship or
Speaker 1: if it's work relationship, whatever, I think that honesty is
Speaker 1: probably the best thing. And obviously you did breach your
Speaker 1: husband's trust, breach the honesty contract that you had together,
Speaker 1: But the fact that you came forward and acknowledge what
Speaker 1: you did that is that is a level of honesty
Speaker 1: that most people could literally only aspire to. I don't
Speaker 1: think you even know how many people would take this
Speaker 1: kind of thing to the grave and let it eat
Speaker 1: them up, or they hold onto it so long that
Speaker 1: it ends up eating your marriage from the inside out.
Speaker 1: Not in a hot way, it is your marriage from
Speaker 1: the inside out, and then the walls will come caving
Speaker 1: down around it. I feel like, if you, in my opinion,
Speaker 1: if you feel like you can't let go of the
Speaker 1: person that you cheated with, this childhood friend of yours,
Speaker 1: what I would maybe recommend is having an honest conversation
Speaker 1: with them. Let your husband know you're gonna have this conversation,
Speaker 1: have an unest conversation with them, and be like, listen,
Speaker 1: I can't communicate with you anymore. When I see you
Speaker 1: at events, I will say hi, I will say bye,
Speaker 1: But you and I we cannot talk anymore because I
Speaker 1: value my relationship with my partner so much and I
Speaker 1: have a lot of shame centered around what I did
Speaker 1: with you, and it's not a proud moment for me,
Speaker 1: and I'm sorry for bringing you into this entanglement that
Speaker 1: I have. That was on me. I reached my trust
Speaker 1: with my husband. You didn't do that. That was me,
Speaker 1: and I'm acknowledging my part. But now I'm cleaning up
Speaker 1: my side of the street and trying my best to
Speaker 1: move forward. So for that reason, you and I cannot
Speaker 1: communicate anymore because I'm having a hard time in my relationship.
Speaker 1: And if your partner, your husband is obviously you two
Speaker 1: love each other because you're still to other, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean. And we all make mistakes, like everyone
Speaker 1: makes mistakes, and we get to give the mistakes to
Speaker 1: gravity we choose. For some people this would be a
Speaker 1: relationship any mistake, and for some people it is just
Speaker 1: a chance to bond and become out stronger than you
Speaker 1: did before. You ever had an argument with your partner,
Speaker 1: and then at the end of the argument you communicated
Speaker 1: so effectively and so well that now you are actually
Speaker 1: stronger than you were before. This is an opportunity, This
Speaker 1: is an opportunity for that, you know. Yeah, that's great advice. Actually,
Speaker 1: um not. Actually it's great advice period. So I have
Speaker 1: a question for you some metha, do you still pine
Speaker 1: for this guy that you had sex with the one time?
Speaker 1: Like it sounds like you have some little mixed up
Speaker 1: feelings about it. Yeah. I mean what's complicated is because
Speaker 1: we've known each other like our whole lives, so it's
Speaker 1: difficult to let that go. And like when we were teenagers,
Speaker 1: we would hook up a little bit, so it was
Speaker 1: I don't know if we ever really like dealt with
Speaker 1: our feelings that we had for each other. And now
Speaker 1: I'm just like in a very committed relationship and that
Speaker 1: was not the time to deal with those feelings. So
Speaker 1: but you don't feel like you still have anything to
Speaker 1: explore with him? No, Okay, well then that's easy. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think you just need to follow Bob's advice and
Speaker 1: do exactly that. Send an email and just put closure
Speaker 1: on it, you know, for your sake and for his
Speaker 1: and exactly what he said is perfect because yeah, it
Speaker 1: was one time, but if you really are committed to
Speaker 1: your husband, it is the most honorable thing to do
Speaker 1: is to be upfront, be honest, don't lead him on
Speaker 1: in any way. Just just say you know, this is
Speaker 1: where I stand, so that there is a button on
Speaker 1: it and it's not just left open ended, because I
Speaker 1: find that to be a little confusing sometimes for other
Speaker 1: people because who knows where he's at? What about your friend?
Speaker 1: He's the brother of your friend, right, does your friend
Speaker 1: know about what happened? Yeah, she was like directly involved
Speaker 1: with all of the drama. And we've we have slowed
Speaker 1: our relationship out really well, like we're on we're on
Speaker 1: a good page. I still feel like kind of uncomfortable
Speaker 1: around her just because I'm like embarrassed that it happened,
Speaker 1: but she knows what's going on. And I think a
Speaker 1: good thing for you to remember is to just kind
Speaker 1: of take all the drama out, you know, don't create
Speaker 1: any more drama. There's been enough, so you don't have
Speaker 1: to explain to your friends your feelings that you still
Speaker 1: have about the situation. I think extinguish it, send that
Speaker 1: email off, and be done with it, and act like
Speaker 1: an adult moving forward, because it is a dramatic situation
Speaker 1: and in order to show growth and to have growth,
Speaker 1: you kind of want to get that behavior out of
Speaker 1: your system, you know, And I think too, you you
Speaker 1: really owe everyone, that's honestly, but more than anything, you
Speaker 1: owe it to yourself, like it has something to Oprah
Speaker 1: is who you owe into, okay, because Oprah knows by
Speaker 1: the way, you know what, Santa, you better watch out,
Speaker 1: you better, And I cry, Oprah's around the corner. It's Oprah,
Speaker 1: God and Santa, and they all live around the corner
Speaker 1: for you. And the thing is, you know, as William
Speaker 1: Cullen Bryan once said, you know truth crushed earth will
Speaker 1: arise again. No lie can live forever it is. It
Speaker 1: is next impossible to when you tell a lie. You
Speaker 1: found this out because you were sneaking around. When you
Speaker 1: tell one lie, you have to tell another life to
Speaker 1: support the lie. Lies cannot be supported by truth. Lies
Speaker 1: can only be supported by moral lied. And you build
Speaker 1: up a house of lies. And then because everything around
Speaker 1: your artifice, you don't know what's real, and it becomes
Speaker 1: really hard. But now you're already working on the path
Speaker 1: to honesty um telling the truth. And as long as
Speaker 1: you stay on that path, I think you will be
Speaker 1: really you'll you'll be in a very good position, you
Speaker 1: and your partner and this other person and your friend
Speaker 1: as well. And do not be ashamed. It's not about
Speaker 1: being proud of what you did. But don't beat yourself
Speaker 1: up over because I can see it's easy to think
Speaker 1: of this as a series of mistakes, like there was
Speaker 1: the flirting, and then the texting, and then the sexting,
Speaker 1: and then the actual sex and then the different Each
Speaker 1: position is a different mistake during sex. But just think
Speaker 1: about one mistake instead of trying to compartmentalize and beat
Speaker 1: yourself up over it. Don't beat yourself up over it
Speaker 1: because just don't do that to yourself. You can be
Speaker 1: meaned yourself than anyone in the world. Do not bully yourself,
Speaker 1: you know. Yeah, the negative self talk is detrimental to
Speaker 1: all of us. So you can use this to just no,
Speaker 1: say to yourself, Okay, that was I was operating at
Speaker 1: a lower vibration, on a lower plane of existence when
Speaker 1: I was acting that way. But guess what I fessed up.
Speaker 1: I can had I come to Jesus, I told the
Speaker 1: truth and now I'm at operating at a different level.
Speaker 1: And just remind yourself that of your integrity moving forward,
Speaker 1: and that's all that matters, is what you're doing today
Speaker 1: and moving forward. Yeah, and I think when we get
Speaker 1: married we have the sense of like security, and you know,
Speaker 1: the person that we're with is very comfortable, and you
Speaker 1: may find that like what you were after was not
Speaker 1: It wasn't sex. It was this sense of danger and this,
Speaker 1: like Bob said, the flirtation, the like year of build
Speaker 1: up to this thing, because when you actually got to
Speaker 1: the sex, it wasn't something that was fulfilling or satisfying.
Speaker 1: So I wouldn't say to your husband that this is
Speaker 1: what you're doing because there's something missing necessary. You could,
Speaker 1: but you might try some different things, like some role
Speaker 1: playing or some like fun things with your husband that
Speaker 1: give you that sense of danger, that sense of mystery,
Speaker 1: that sense of something new and fresh and like a
Speaker 1: little exciting. And that could be bedroom stuff or it
Speaker 1: can be just life stuff. Maybe every week you have
Speaker 1: a date night with your husband, so there's something new
Speaker 1: and fresh to insert a sense of novelty in your life,
Speaker 1: especially after being trapped around houses for two years. Our
Speaker 1: brains crave novelty. Does that help, Samantha, Yes, it's a
Speaker 1: thank you. I like your kitty cat that's coming wants
Speaker 1: to be involved, subsessed. Your kind is obsessed with I
Speaker 1: don't have a cat. I actually hate cats, yours included.
Speaker 1: But cats are like obsessed with people's computers and like
Speaker 1: looking at the screens, like getting on the keyboards. I couldn't,
Speaker 1: but I'm sure you're cat's great. I'm sure really cheers. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I wish my dog Burt would sit on round and
Speaker 1: the back of my shoulder like that while I was past,
Speaker 1: What kind of dog is Burt? Oh? He's a big fat,
Speaker 1: lazy asshole, is what the kind of dog he is?
Speaker 1: And who goes back and forth all morning long, walking
Speaker 1: back and forth, pacing until he can get his first
Speaker 1: meal in. It's just a typical male bullshit you do.
Speaker 1: Just so That's why I love dogs. That was just
Speaker 1: kind of like they're so simple. There's like I just
Speaker 1: wanna I just want to snack, Like can I just
Speaker 1: have a little snack please? And cats are always up
Speaker 1: to something. I don't trust cats. Cats are They've got
Speaker 1: some sneaky Like this cat is actually actively plotting our
Speaker 1: demise when we leave, the cat's gonna go and give
Speaker 1: us a one star review on iTunes. I know that
Speaker 1: anything that is trained to take a ship in a
Speaker 1: box and then hide it is a tricky character. Okay,
Speaker 1: like take a ship in a box and then kick
Speaker 1: it and hide it. So not only do you have
Speaker 1: to clean up the shadoubi, you have to find it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't That's why I don't trust them.
Speaker 1: They they're multilayered and there Catherine has cats too, She's
Speaker 1: into cats. Oh. I had a cat growing up, but
Speaker 1: I don't have cats currently. I just have a dog
Speaker 1: that seems like a cat. People would come up to
Speaker 1: me on the street and me like, I love your kitten.
Speaker 1: Why did I say that she just seems like a cat. Well,
Speaker 1: I think once you have a cat, Katherine, you've always
Speaker 1: had a cat. You know, you can't catch out of
Speaker 1: it just because you no longer physically have it. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: all right, well, thank you, Samantha. I hope we helped you.
Speaker 1: You did. Definitely send that email and you know, move
Speaker 1: on to the next chapter and let us know what happens.
Speaker 1: Don't beat yourself up anymore. Yes, thank you, Thanks Samantha.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is though, I mean, secretly,
Speaker 1: I just love I mean, I don't like to hear
Speaker 1: people's pain, but I do love hearing about like affairs
Speaker 1: and interpersonal like you know, Torrid kind of relationships, like
Speaker 1: when people are dishonest or they cheat, Like I do
Speaker 1: find that compelling. That makes perfect sense. Is that what
Speaker 1: you're saying is not weird at all. I am a
Speaker 1: messy bitch who lives for a drama. I love drama.
Speaker 1: That's why I talk about all my friends as soon
Speaker 1: as they leave the room, is Sam gone? Is she gone?
Speaker 1: Is she gone? Yeah, they're never gonna make it. Kidding,
Speaker 1: I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I was doing a bit,
Speaker 1: you know, to that point. We we do tend to
Speaker 1: have a way to over dramaticize things, right, Like a
Speaker 1: lot of people, like you said, we like the drama,
Speaker 1: and then we extend the drama, like where that drama
Speaker 1: could have been over, she's extending it because of her
Speaker 1: feeling and that like feelings and thought patterns, and she
Speaker 1: hasn't put it to bed. So, as human beings, we
Speaker 1: all have a tendency, not all of us. Some people
Speaker 1: are a little bit more mature, but a lot of
Speaker 1: us have the tendency to make things more dramatic than
Speaker 1: they need to be. Yeah, that is that is t
Speaker 1: as as the queer say, that's t henny, but not
Speaker 1: because a sweet tea. Yeah, there we go. We're all
Speaker 1: on the same page now. Well, our next caller is
Speaker 1: Jess Justice seven and is from Memphis. Jess says, I'm
Speaker 1: a masculine, non binary lesbian and I could use some
Speaker 1: advice in the dating department. I seem to only attract closeted,
Speaker 1: experimenting or just coming out queer women that end up
Speaker 1: not being in a position to be in a committed relationship.
Speaker 1: What am I doing wrong? Jess? Hi? Hi, Jess, Hello,
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, it's adorable. You have been one of
Speaker 1: my heroes since I was in middle school. And I'm
Speaker 1: a little bit shook right now. So wait, who are
Speaker 1: you talking to? This could change everything, Chelsea. No not,
Speaker 1: he just blocked off. I'm sorry, I'm freaking out a little.
Speaker 1: That's okay, honey, you can that's fine. We get it.
Speaker 1: We get it. Bob the Drag Queen is here to
Speaker 1: also aid in the advice giving, as well as Katherine,
Speaker 1: our producer, who I'm sure you've spoken with already. Well,
Speaker 1: we're just we're glad to have you, so I'll do
Speaker 1: some talking before so you can collect yourself. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: I've heard this from so many people, especially women, gay women,
Speaker 1: and gay men who are experimenting or only attract people
Speaker 1: who aren't sure if they're out of the closet yet,
Speaker 1: or are secretly having sex with both sexes. Blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: There's a really good book that we talked about a
Speaker 1: lot on the show. It's called Attached. You should pick
Speaker 1: up a copy and read it because it's about creating
Speaker 1: those relationships with unavailable people and not becoming a pattern
Speaker 1: of behavior. There's like three versions. One is a secure person,
Speaker 1: one is an avoidant, and avoidance are the type of
Speaker 1: people that you're talking about that haven't come to grips
Speaker 1: with their reality and they're not sure what they want
Speaker 1: to do. So it's a pattern of your behavior for
Speaker 1: attracting these people and then pursuing it. Right, you have
Speaker 1: to kind of set sail in a different direction and
Speaker 1: look for people who are really available. Yes, I know
Speaker 1: the book that's on my book list because I've heard
Speaker 1: it on the podcast, and I do read up on
Speaker 1: attachment styles, and I'm definitely an anxious attached person. I
Speaker 1: can be codependent at times, So it seems to be
Speaker 1: like this perfect storm of a situation, and I definitely
Speaker 1: can like, I know it's a bad decision, but I
Speaker 1: still pursue it because of like the dopening hit in
Speaker 1: your brain if you're flirting or getting physical. And I'm
Speaker 1: definitely working on that, but it is really hard because
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like I am the only one in
Speaker 1: the world going through it. It feels like a very
Speaker 1: nuanced experience that a lot of my other friends, even
Speaker 1: other gay friends, aren't going through, and it has just
Speaker 1: created this profound sense of loneliness. And that's just really hard,
Speaker 1: you know, especially when you're trying really hard to be
Speaker 1: out and comfortable and like do the right things in life.
Speaker 1: And it's no one's fault because everyone's entitled to come
Speaker 1: to themselves in their own time. But I keep getting
Speaker 1: into this pattern and I'm you know, I'm twenty seven now,
Speaker 1: I've been out since I was nineteen, and I'm kind
Speaker 1: of like this year enough is enough. I do feel
Speaker 1: like I deserve someone who's intentional about relationships and can
Speaker 1: like receive the love I want to give somebody. You know,
Speaker 1: I will say this just I feel like we as
Speaker 1: people get to decide what we accept for ourselves, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean. We get to let we get
Speaker 1: to decide if we want to be introduced to the families.
Speaker 1: We get that, we get this at our own standard,
Speaker 1: and after a while, sometimes when you've set a standard
Speaker 1: for yourself, but then you let someone not do this
Speaker 1: part and I do this part and not do this part,
Speaker 1: not of this part. Are you lower your own standard
Speaker 1: of what you feel like you deserve. And I can't
Speaker 1: speak for everyone, but I know for me personally, I
Speaker 1: deserve someone who loves me in public. I deserve someone
Speaker 1: who wants to commit to me. I deserve someone who
Speaker 1: is not ashamed. I deserve someone who who knows what
Speaker 1: they want. I deserve to not have someone figuring out
Speaker 1: their sexuality when they're with me. There's nothing wrong with
Speaker 1: someone figuring out their sexuality. There's nothing wrong with someone
Speaker 1: you know. Some people can't come out of the closet
Speaker 1: because of where they are, who they are, what they
Speaker 1: do for a living. This is and I'm not judging
Speaker 1: anyone for not being able to come out of the
Speaker 1: close because we all have different journeys for when we
Speaker 1: need to come out and that kind of stuff. But
Speaker 1: I know that I don't have to be around while
Speaker 1: you figure that out, because it is hard for me mentally,
Speaker 1: I can't sneak. I've been out of the close since
Speaker 1: I like you. I think I came out and I
Speaker 1: was eighteen years old, no, seventeen alls in high school.
Speaker 1: And I'm thirty five years old now, and I have
Speaker 1: no desire to go back into. The closet is a
Speaker 1: very uncomfortable place. And sometimes you feel your desire to
Speaker 1: be loved can outweigh your desire to love yourself. Let
Speaker 1: me say again, sometimes your desire you're you're desired to
Speaker 1: be loved by someone else can outweigh your desire to
Speaker 1: love yourself. But that's why the color purple is the
Speaker 1: best love sort of all time, because in the end,
Speaker 1: she doesn't get shug avery, she doesn't get the love
Speaker 1: of messrs. She and learns how to love herself and
Speaker 1: then she it's a cat. It is the best love
Speaker 1: sort of all time. So I think you need to,
Speaker 1: in my opinion, figure out how you can love yourself.
Speaker 1: Set standards for yourself and don't let because if you
Speaker 1: break your own standards, if you're willing to break your
Speaker 1: own standards, you'll other people just plow through them. You.
Speaker 1: Other people just shot you and again where they want
Speaker 1: because they're They're like, well, well, obviously they don't consider
Speaker 1: their own standards there. They're they're letting anything fly. So
Speaker 1: I'll just I can do whatever I want to. It's
Speaker 1: kind of like you ever been a someone's house and
Speaker 1: the house is kind of messy, but the house is
Speaker 1: kind of messy, You'll just put your shirt anywhere. You
Speaker 1: don't care. You don't you don't feel the need to
Speaker 1: be nice in this house. When you go to a
Speaker 1: house in the house pristine, you would take your shoes
Speaker 1: off before you even get inside. You walk around, you tiptoe,
Speaker 1: you clean everything. You don't want me smudge me because
Speaker 1: you're like, wow, this person really cares for their house,
Speaker 1: and when their houses's house, they don't even give a
Speaker 1: You are your own house. Yeah, that's that's great advice.
Speaker 1: And I actually have a twin brother who is also gay,
Speaker 1: and my mom who by the way, she and my
Speaker 1: brother love you, Chelsea so much, and they say, HI,
Speaker 1: have been so supportive and amazing to me. It's sometimes
Speaker 1: hard to relate to these other women who you know,
Speaker 1: have homophobic parents or transphobic parents and just don't have
Speaker 1: any position to really be out. And it's sort of
Speaker 1: makes me crazy. I'm like, just come out, then we
Speaker 1: can be out and open and it's fine. But they're
Speaker 1: not in a position to do that, and I think
Speaker 1: I do need to be more empathetic about that, but
Speaker 1: I tend to let the experience still into my life
Speaker 1: and then I feel resentful. You can be empathetic, but
Speaker 1: you don't have to be present for it. You don't
Speaker 1: have to. It is not your duty to assist people
Speaker 1: through coming out. That is not your job. You can
Speaker 1: decide if you want to do it, but you don't
Speaker 1: have to do that. That is, you are not there.
Speaker 1: They're they're gay counselor you're you're not. That's not your job,
Speaker 1: but you don't have to do There we go, There
Speaker 1: we go. That's that kind of attitude you need to
Speaker 1: have because it's exactly it's exactly right. You're choosing to
Speaker 1: be a part of something that you don't need to
Speaker 1: be a part of. You can totally be empathetic to
Speaker 1: their experiences, but you don't need to witness it. You're
Speaker 1: in a different spot. You are out, you do have support,
Speaker 1: You're ready for a healthy, committed relationship. So you know
Speaker 1: in that book they say anxious goes to avoid it
Speaker 1: because they like that codependency. They like that that that chasing,
Speaker 1: that chasing, the chasing, and never really getting what you desire.
Speaker 1: So you have to flip the script on that, and
Speaker 1: you have to you have to decide that is no
Speaker 1: longer enough for you what you're looking for, and be
Speaker 1: intentional about it. There's no harm in saying to people
Speaker 1: right out of the gate, listen, I'm only interested in
Speaker 1: being out with you or going on a date with you,
Speaker 1: or meeting for coffee or whatever you're going to do
Speaker 1: or a date. If you're out and ready and open
Speaker 1: to being in a relationship with someone. That doesn't mean
Speaker 1: we're gonna get married or we're even going to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship. But that's what page I'm on, and
Speaker 1: I want to meet somebody of the same nature. And
Speaker 1: even saying that out loud to yourself is going to
Speaker 1: be helpful for a while, you know, until you start
Speaker 1: living that truth. Being codad it can be very scary
Speaker 1: because feeling like you need something, in my opinion, that's
Speaker 1: not a healthy bond. It's kind of like when you're
Speaker 1: told by the doctor that you have to do something
Speaker 1: versus you wanting to do it. I hate working out.
Speaker 1: I don't love it. I feel like I have to
Speaker 1: do it so I can feel good in this industry.
Speaker 1: It's not like a really like oh, I just love
Speaker 1: and people who love going to the gym. You can
Speaker 1: there's a clear difference in people who love it and
Speaker 1: people who feel like they need to do it. You
Speaker 1: can see it on their faces at the gym. And
Speaker 1: it's not just that, it's it's an all facets of
Speaker 1: your life. Codependency is really tough. I don't even ever
Speaker 1: heard of alan On or Coda, but if you've ever
Speaker 1: heard of Coda, Coda is a great program for people.
Speaker 1: It's a twelve the program people who are struggling with
Speaker 1: being codependent because that's me. It's that's me to tea
Speaker 1: and I even just this past year have really you know,
Speaker 1: I lay in bed at night, I'm like ship, that
Speaker 1: really is me. And it's sort of embarrassing to admit,
Speaker 1: but it's very true. It's like withdrawal, like if you
Speaker 1: don't feel needed by someone, and in particular like romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: For me, it can really plummet my mood. And I'm
Speaker 1: just like, good God, that's not sucking it. I do
Speaker 1: not want to live a life that my mood is
Speaker 1: so dependent on these situations that have these patterns that
Speaker 1: I know I'm not a stupid person, are are not
Speaker 1: healthy and not good for me. And you know, I'm
Speaker 1: twenty seven now. I do want to get out of
Speaker 1: that loop for sure. By the way, seven thirty seven,
Speaker 1: forty seven, I just turned forty seven. Seven is a
Speaker 1: lucky number and it's a good time for change. Seven
Speaker 1: year cycles, you know, a lot of things are seven
Speaker 1: year cycles. That's the seven year itch, seven year growth
Speaker 1: hair cycles. So there's so many things that applies to
Speaker 1: seven rings a big hit. But you know, so your
Speaker 1: seven like you have every opportunity to change your patterns
Speaker 1: of behavior. So it's a huge opportunity right now, and
Speaker 1: you should go for it and maybe just take some
Speaker 1: time out in the interim before you go and set
Speaker 1: out with your new kind of way of operating in
Speaker 1: the world and operating and finding your mate, just take
Speaker 1: some time to like make sure you're instilling in yourself.
Speaker 1: Read a couple of these books, get to know yourself
Speaker 1: on a deeper level and understand what your value is
Speaker 1: and what you're expecting out of this life. What are
Speaker 1: you expecting and what are you going to settle for?
Speaker 1: And what you Bob said about your standards, you know
Speaker 1: you're the only person who has the ability to raise
Speaker 1: your standards. Yeah, yeah, that's so true. I um. I
Speaker 1: met someone recently at a friend's wedding and she was
Speaker 1: so openly a affectionate towards me. I couldn't receive it,
Speaker 1: like I was uncomfortable, and her and I had to
Speaker 1: have a conversation about that, and I was like, look,
Speaker 1: I know we're not in a committed relationship or or
Speaker 1: in love or any anything like that, but you reminded
Speaker 1: me that I do deserve open and honest and sincere
Speaker 1: affection without all the noise in the background. And I
Speaker 1: just feel like I haven't not even I haven't had
Speaker 1: that in a long time. I just feel like I
Speaker 1: haven't had that. And it was sort of I don't
Speaker 1: know if it was an AHA moment or a wake
Speaker 1: up call, but just one little moment in life WHEREM like,
Speaker 1: I'm doing this wrong and I I can change it,
Speaker 1: no one else can, and I need to start doing
Speaker 1: the steps to do that. One day you'll get the
Speaker 1: open effects that you deserve, and you're gonna be like
Speaker 1: I can't wait. If I ever settle for anything less
Speaker 1: than this, Yeah, you're gonna be like, I will never
Speaker 1: ever go back to it. I didn't even know it
Speaker 1: could be this great. On the other side, my I
Speaker 1: can relate to what you're saying completely. That's exactly my
Speaker 1: relationship with Joe. He's so overly affectionate. He's so well,
Speaker 1: not overly, he's perfectly affectionate. But in the beginning, I
Speaker 1: was like, cool it, buddy, get the funk off of me.
Speaker 1: You know, we're out in public. I don't want to
Speaker 1: be tongue kissing you, and you know all of the
Speaker 1: things that I have judgments about. I mean, I still
Speaker 1: would rather not tongue kiss in public. But you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, I had all these kind of like
Speaker 1: oh no, this isn't cool, like this is too much,
Speaker 1: and then you're realizing, like this person loves me. They're
Speaker 1: they're all over me because they love me, you know.
Speaker 1: And then six weeks into the relationship, we flew from
Speaker 1: New York to l A and I sat in his
Speaker 1: lap an entire plane ride. So talk about breaking my
Speaker 1: own rules, Like you have to realize, oh I am
Speaker 1: worthy of this, you'r all your judgments about all of
Speaker 1: that are not necessarily accurate. It's just where you are
Speaker 1: in your life right now, so you can easily change course.
Speaker 1: Were you flying private, that's a great question. If we
Speaker 1: were flying private, it wouldn't have been a pertinent story,
Speaker 1: would it have been? Because who gives a ship? If
Speaker 1: I was sitting on his lap on a private plane,
Speaker 1: we were flying commercially. You're sitting in someone's lap on
Speaker 1: a delta flight in the fight, it is like, yeah,
Speaker 1: they and to five five and a half hours. I
Speaker 1: sat on his lap and just like why we watched
Speaker 1: movies on his lap. And I was like, I'm breaking
Speaker 1: for single and I'm Chelsea Handler, So I don't need
Speaker 1: to be fucking like vulnerable like that in front of people,
Speaker 1: you know, especially flight attendants. They respect me, they know
Speaker 1: my game, so you know, you just you just have
Speaker 1: to understand that we all deserve to be adored in
Speaker 1: that way and you can do whatever the hell you
Speaker 1: want that makes you happy. Yeah, and that I'm not
Speaker 1: just someone to give someone like a first good queer
Speaker 1: experience and then they're like bye bye. You know, I
Speaker 1: deserve someone to really stay. I think, and I hope
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to place that we all deserve to
Speaker 1: sit in Joe Quoi's lap on a commercial flight Los Angeles.
Speaker 1: Do you want to start out doing that? I can
Speaker 1: send you on a flight with Joe Koy and you
Speaker 1: can sit on his lap, and then we can start
Speaker 1: you dating again. Okay, that will change my game a
Speaker 1: little bit, but I'm doubt Yeah, well, that will transition
Speaker 1: you into a different level of self adoration for sure.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Oh my god, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: So keep us posted. Let us know when you're in love, Okay,
Speaker 1: I certainly will. Hopefully it's sooner than later. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: then we can bring her on and we can talk
Speaker 1: about public public displays of affection. Okay, take care, Thanks
Speaker 1: so much, so much. You've got this. You can do
Speaker 1: by everyone. By by when he's seven years old, I
Speaker 1: have a question, when you were in the fight one
Speaker 1: seven year old or seven twenty year olds fight one
Speaker 1: seven year old or seven twenty year olds or twenties
Speaker 1: seven year olds, fight them physically physically. Seven year old son,
Speaker 1: you can take out seven year old. There's seven twenty
Speaker 1: seven year old. I don't want to fight a seven
Speaker 1: year old. I mean, that's not going to you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, I'd rather just kick a twenty seven
Speaker 1: year olds ask and be done with it. It would
Speaker 1: you rather get beat up by its publicly? Like you're
Speaker 1: out in public? You the image of Chelsea Handler beating
Speaker 1: up twenty seven year olds, It's not it's not good.
Speaker 1: Pr it's not good. That would not be a good
Speaker 1: look for me. Then beating me up would be a
Speaker 1: better look for me. Chelsea Handler allows twenty seven year
Speaker 1: olds to pummel her to a bloody pulp on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah,
Speaker 1: right next to my star. I don't have Well, let's
Speaker 1: take a quick break and we'll be right back to
Speaker 1: wrap up with Bob the Drag Queen and Chelsea. Okay,
Speaker 1: we'll be right back with Bob and his cat. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're back from break you guys. I'm back with Bob
Speaker 1: the Drag Queen and my co host Catherine and um,
Speaker 1: we're at the end of our hour. So do we
Speaker 1: have any last minute business? Catherine, Bob, do you have
Speaker 1: any advice you'd like to ask Chelsea for? Yeah? I do. Actually, so,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm relatively new to the Hollywood scene. I just
Speaker 1: moved to Hollywood I've only been working in film for
Speaker 1: maybe seven years now, which is actually pretty young. And
Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends who are like getting
Speaker 1: some big moments, and I sometimes get really jealous, but
Speaker 1: I'm also happy for them, like I'm happy. But then
Speaker 1: there are certain friends, certain friends, when I see them
Speaker 1: get success, I'm like, what a bitch? Like what a bit?
Speaker 1: And I'm tolding the line between like wanting to be
Speaker 1: happy for them and also wanting this myself and not
Speaker 1: wanting to sell myself out to be a Hollywood type
Speaker 1: because I want to meet new people, but I also
Speaker 1: like have a hard time, you know, like I said,
Speaker 1: I couldn't even come with you the thing and being like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm bob, I get move here, Let's go have boba,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. So what is your advice
Speaker 1: for someone for a young starlet like me breaking into
Speaker 1: the Hollywood scene who's willing to do anything to get
Speaker 1: cast in the movie. Well, first, I would like to
Speaker 1: say that I had boba for the first time a
Speaker 1: couple of months ago, and I choked on those balls
Speaker 1: and the fact that you have to suck balls through
Speaker 1: a straw is going backwards for me. So I'm not
Speaker 1: going to have boba again, and I don't care who
Speaker 1: that offense. Secondly, I would say that jealousy you said
Speaker 1: yourself at the beginning of this episode, is a natural
Speaker 1: human feeling. It's not something you can avoid. It's only
Speaker 1: something that you can promise yourself not to act on. Right, Like,
Speaker 1: you don't want to act in jealousy, you don't want
Speaker 1: to act in envy. You can have those feelings. They're natural.
Speaker 1: They happen to everybody. There's so many people, and it's
Speaker 1: not your decision whether or not somebody else succeeds anyway.
Speaker 1: That's not up to you. So the coolest way you
Speaker 1: can be is to accept everybody's got their own path,
Speaker 1: and that means you too. I think when you can't
Speaker 1: be happy for other people and their success, it's hard
Speaker 1: to accumulate your own. That is very true. So that's
Speaker 1: something I like to remember. You know, even if it's
Speaker 1: someone you're not that great with or somebody that's sucked
Speaker 1: you over, it's just cooler and better to be like
Speaker 1: good for them, good for them. Yeah, do you need
Speaker 1: any advice from me, Chelsea? I mean, you've got me
Speaker 1: so much already. I mean, I'm first of all I've
Speaker 1: changed my coffee drink and now I'm getting a frap
Speaker 1: puccino with almond milk. I'm going to take another lover.
Speaker 1: I have to tell Joe when he gets back, he's
Speaker 1: going to be pissed because he's the one who set
Speaker 1: up my computer for this podcast this morning. And then
Speaker 1: he's gonna come back and I'm gonna tell him it's
Speaker 1: time for us to also open up our relationship and
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna start doing drag. Well, you're gonna dress
Speaker 1: me up. That's gonna be our next thing to Wait,
Speaker 1: what's your girlfriend's name? Who keeps going to the wrong
Speaker 1: show or keeps going to shows that don't happen. A
Speaker 1: drag queen named Monet Exchange who is the winner of
Speaker 1: All Stars season five of RuPaul's Drag Race. And it's
Speaker 1: also good friends with me and Mateo as well. But
Speaker 1: I definitely I would love to drag you out. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's what we do on my on my show We're here, like,
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm used to putting people up in full
Speaker 1: of drags, and there are certain people you Leslie Jones.
Speaker 1: I really want to get my hands on Leslie Jones
Speaker 1: because I feel like we actually look alike, like me
Speaker 1: and Leslie Jones could be siblings, like full ty Cynthia Reeva.
Speaker 1: I want to get her in full drag. There's a
Speaker 1: couple of I want to get my hands on. I
Speaker 1: remember I once said to one of my makeup artists
Speaker 1: or my hairstylists, they had done my hair and in
Speaker 1: this like fancy fancy backbon like really intricate. But from
Speaker 1: the front it looked like ship. I looked like a bagel,
Speaker 1: like you couldn't even see my hair line like it was.
Speaker 1: And I go, hey, this looks terrible, and she goes, yeah,
Speaker 1: but from the back it looks amazing, and I go,
Speaker 1: but I'm not backing into the show. No one sees
Speaker 1: the fucking back of my head was what the funk.
Speaker 1: I was like, You're gonna have to go anyway. It
Speaker 1: was a delight. Oh my god, I had such a
Speaker 1: good time with you. We had so much fun with
Speaker 1: you today, Bob. Thank you for coming over. You're an
Speaker 1: absolute joy, And thanks for your sagacious advice to everybody.
Speaker 1: You gave great advice. Oh, thank you. You're very lovely.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you very much. I am also a big
Speaker 1: fan of yours, and honestly, I think we can probably
Speaker 1: thank mone for that, because Mona show me so much
Speaker 1: of your work and you're real rock star. I was wondering,
Speaker 1: who's going to play you in the movie of your life? Well,
Speaker 1: she's Moday. Is probably currently in South Africa trying to
Speaker 1: find me a performance of mine and in the wrong
Speaker 1: spot as usual. So when she gets back, you tell
Speaker 1: her that we're going to get her tickets to the
Speaker 1: will turn all right, We'll do absolutely Okay, take care,
Speaker 1: I have a great day. Bye bye bye. So if
Speaker 1: you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, just send an
Speaker 1: email to Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.