Speaker 1: Here's a tough one. Do you love her? Because if
Speaker 1: the answer is yes, if what you felt was love,
Speaker 1: then her finding another guy that's good for her, that
Speaker 1: makes her happy shouldn't bother you. Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite humans on the entire planet joining
Speaker 1: me today to help answer questions. Bernie, welcome back. Good
Speaker 1: to be back. How many podcasts have you been on
Speaker 1: so far with me? On the last count, the person
Speaker 1: said it was like twenty something twenty Wow, this is
Speaker 1: episode one, twenty eight, So that's a good chunk. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's good chunk. Wow. Bernie is here because he if
Speaker 1: I was gonna trust anyone, was some really important, really
Speaker 1: important question that I had and wanted some really good advice,
Speaker 1: I'd call Bernie. And I've literally been doing that for
Speaker 1: twenty two years. So yeah. And the funny thing is
Speaker 1: is that we've done it for each other for that long,
Speaker 1: and what ends up happening is we kind of pass
Speaker 1: the same information back and forth. It's like I'll call
Speaker 1: you and you'll be like, hey, this, you know, think
Speaker 1: about this, think about this. I'm like, oh yeah, And
Speaker 1: then you'll call me and I'll tell you the exact
Speaker 1: same thing. Back and you're like, oh, yeah, man, you're right.
Speaker 1: Yeah this So it's so hard me and you counsider
Speaker 1: on this on these microphones and give people advice and
Speaker 1: we could hear their story and we could feed into them,
Speaker 1: but it's it's really hard to think of and apply
Speaker 1: that to yourself. So that's why community is so important,
Speaker 1: and having wise counsel around you is so important because
Speaker 1: so many times even good advice givers have trouble feeding
Speaker 1: it to themselves and then even harder listening to their
Speaker 1: own advice. No, you're absolutely right, and I'm not trying
Speaker 1: to put you out of a job by any means.
Speaker 1: But my hope is one day the Grangeer Smith podcast
Speaker 1: doesn't exist because all these people that are writing in
Speaker 1: with questions, they're like going to their community of people
Speaker 1: that we live in this world where people have folks
Speaker 1: around them that they're wrestling through this with them. They
Speaker 1: don't feel this need to let me send it out
Speaker 1: because I don't have a Granger, I don't have a Bernie,
Speaker 1: I don't have these people, but we all got those people.
Speaker 1: So if you're out there and you don't have those people,
Speaker 1: fight for those people. Go find those people and then
Speaker 1: ask them your questions. You can still send them to
Speaker 1: grizz because you know, people got to eat, you know,
Speaker 1: but uh yeah, that's the hope, right, that's the hope.
Speaker 1: What's interesting is you and pastor, Chad and Parker are
Speaker 1: the most reoccurring guests on this podcast. And in April
Speaker 1: we're all taking a trip together to Louisville, Kentucky. We're
Speaker 1: all going to be together. That the core members of
Speaker 1: this podcast will be together. That's gonna be super interesting.
Speaker 1: We should find a spot to have a campfire and
Speaker 1: record one. That would be That would be cool. That's
Speaker 1: what it is. The format of this podcast. Yeah, we're
Speaker 1: sending around them. If you have a question for me
Speaker 1: or Bernie, email Grangersmith podcast at gmail dot com. That's
Speaker 1: what we're talking about here. Ask anything, seriously. There is
Speaker 1: no limit to your questions. There's no limit to the
Speaker 1: depth of what you could ask. And as you'll see today,
Speaker 1: we talk about everything and you ask everything. So wherever
Speaker 1: you came from too, if you came from TikTok or
Speaker 1: Instagram because you saw a clip of this podcast, thank
Speaker 1: you for joining. This is what we do. Email and
Speaker 1: we'll put it in the queue and answer, and so
Speaker 1: I got my first one ready to go. I got
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of them today, But the first one
Speaker 1: says subject line says what's enough? And then it says anonymous.
Speaker 1: Just to make sure that I don't say their name,
Speaker 1: it says, hey, Grange, I'm twenty three years old. I'm
Speaker 1: a young man. I came to a point in my
Speaker 1: life where I'm wondering what's enough? There's being a gentleman still?
Speaker 1: Is being a gentleman still a thing? In twenty twenty two.
Speaker 1: I've seen this girl for a while, and I've always
Speaker 1: been trying to be irreproachable as I could, opening the
Speaker 1: door for her, getting behind her when she's going upstairs,
Speaker 1: and in front of her when she's going downstairs, getting
Speaker 1: her flowers once in a while. But I feel like
Speaker 1: those things have been taken for granted. Sadly, this relation
Speaker 1: is now behind me, but I'm left with a sickening
Speaker 1: feeling that I should have done more or better. Is
Speaker 1: this still a thing? Is that too much? Or those
Speaker 1: gestures just a thing of the past. What are your thoughts?
Speaker 1: Thanks for the podcast, dude, I got something great. Go
Speaker 1: for it burns and it comes from you. These are
Speaker 1: two things that you've told me over the years that
Speaker 1: I think I can pass along to mister anonymous. So
Speaker 1: there is this thing I called Granger about one time,
Speaker 1: and he said, when our level of gratitude surpasses our
Speaker 1: level of expectation, that's what magic happens. I think what's
Speaker 1: happened in this relationship is the level of her expectation
Speaker 1: exceeded her level of gratitude for you, and and you know,
Speaker 1: there's there's not much that can really happen in a
Speaker 1: positive way when that expectation is above the gratitude, right, Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's exactly right. And what that really, what that boils
Speaker 1: down to is if you are going above and beyond
Speaker 1: in a relationship and you are You're opening doors, and
Speaker 1: you're getting flowers and you're being you're just being a
Speaker 1: super nice guy, and she doesn't want to be with you.
Speaker 1: The reason she doesn't want to be with you is
Speaker 1: not because you did all that stuff too much or
Speaker 1: too less. It's just because she didn't like you. And
Speaker 1: it seems like I kind of repeat that on a
Speaker 1: lot of these podcasts, that man, she just didn't like you,
Speaker 1: or she didn't she didn't love you the same amount
Speaker 1: that you loved her. And I'd say that not to
Speaker 1: knock you, or not to degrade you, or or try
Speaker 1: to in any any way undermine who you are as
Speaker 1: a person. That's just the cold, hard fact of love is.
Speaker 1: If she left you, it wasn't because of what you
Speaker 1: did or didn't do. There just wasn't a connection. And
Speaker 1: you have to realize that all the things that you said,
Speaker 1: opening doors, getting behind her when she's going upstairs, I
Speaker 1: didn't even think about something like that, getting her flowers
Speaker 1: once in a while. Some girl in your future is
Speaker 1: gonna love you for that. She is gonna be just
Speaker 1: so overwhelmed by someone that takes care of her like
Speaker 1: you do. You're so thoughtful, and someone is gonna get
Speaker 1: the fruits of this from you, of this personality trait
Speaker 1: that you have, and they're gonna love you forever. It's
Speaker 1: just so important to remember that this girl just she
Speaker 1: wasn't for you. And I'm not saying she was a
Speaker 1: bad person either, It just doesn't work. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: like the old George Strait song, you can't make a
Speaker 1: heart love somebody. Yeah, you could lead a heart to love,
Speaker 1: but you can't make it fall. You just can't. You
Speaker 1: can't make a heart fall. She didn't fall for you.
Speaker 1: So maybe you're thinking, ah, open the door three more times,
Speaker 1: you know, it's like it's just it's not that. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: that's great. The second the second thing that came to
Speaker 1: mind that Granger told me recently. It sounds like you're
Speaker 1: kind of reliving some things, you know, like oh, could
Speaker 1: I have done this, and probably also jump into the
Speaker 1: future about am I gonna find somebody else? And so
Speaker 1: I called Grangeer the other day, I, you know, had
Speaker 1: this event and I called I was like, man, this happened,
Speaker 1: and man, my mind just keeps running about like what
Speaker 1: does this mean? Am I gonna is my career going
Speaker 1: to go this way? And do I need to start
Speaker 1: doing this and this and this? And he says burn
Speaker 1: the future is none of your business, and I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: that is so good. You're right, Like, mentally, I was
Speaker 1: already playing out all of these scenarios and sometimes catastrophizing
Speaker 1: those scenarios or embellishing those scenarios when it's like, dude,
Speaker 1: that none of my business, and also reliving you Remember,
Speaker 1: I was like, man, I can't keep or I can't
Speaker 1: stop thinking about what I said, and you know, it
Speaker 1: was like, well, the past is none of your business either,
Speaker 1: So it's really anonymous learning reflecting on the past. We're
Speaker 1: not saying just move past it, but reflecting on the past,
Speaker 1: taking the lessons from it, and then moving into each
Speaker 1: day with those lessons and really submitting them to God
Speaker 1: and saying God, I'm yours, I trust you. I trust
Speaker 1: you with my future relationship and whatever that may look like.
Speaker 1: And whatever my future looks like, relationship or not, that
Speaker 1: the future is none of my business. It's completely ears
Speaker 1: and you care about it, so I'm giving it to you. Man,
Speaker 1: So good, so anonymous. Imagine this scenario where sometime in
Speaker 1: the future, you're putting your work into this relationship, a
Speaker 1: new relationship somebody else. You're putting your work in, which
Speaker 1: we should all we have to. You know, relationships are work.
Speaker 1: So you put the work in, you pay into it,
Speaker 1: and you pay into it with gratitude, like Bernie said,
Speaker 1: and you expect a little bit less than you're being
Speaker 1: grateful for. And then imagine this scenario. You put the
Speaker 1: work in and you open the door for some girl,
Speaker 1: You bring her flowers and she starts her eyes get
Speaker 1: welled up with tears and you're like, what, you know, what,
Speaker 1: why are you crying? And she says, I've never had
Speaker 1: a guy open doors and get flowers like you. I've
Speaker 1: never had this, and I'm just I'm just so grateful
Speaker 1: for you that you're in my life. Okay, right here,
Speaker 1: let's pause right here. What if this was the first
Speaker 1: girlfriend you ever had and she said that, you would think, okay, cool,
Speaker 1: Well that's just what I'm supposed to do. But it's
Speaker 1: not your first girlfriend. You've had one in the past
Speaker 1: that didn't appreciate it. So in return, you start getting teary.
Speaker 1: I had back to her and you go, well, it's
Speaker 1: interesting you say that because I've never had a girl
Speaker 1: appreciate it like you. And then it matters. That's why
Speaker 1: all these mistakes and failed relationships matter. They build us
Speaker 1: and they refine us, so we're a little bit better
Speaker 1: incrementally every time something bad like this is happening. Every
Speaker 1: time you have this heartbreak, you're getting a little bit
Speaker 1: better each time because of the past failures, and the
Speaker 1: new one will matter more. And I can't wait for
Speaker 1: that to happen to you. Yeah, that's good stuff, man.
Speaker 1: Another there's a question on here Burns that relates exactly
Speaker 1: to what you're saying that because I saw it. It It
Speaker 1: literally came in today, Okay, watch this, and came in
Speaker 1: just a few hours ago. It says, hey, grand your
Speaker 1: my name is Debbie. I just started listening to your podcast,
Speaker 1: and I've seen your posts on TikTok and I used
Speaker 1: to swipe past them because it was faith based, and
Speaker 1: at the time I was so mad at God. I mean,
Speaker 1: I can't say that I'm still not mad at God
Speaker 1: because I am so I'm gonna ask this, and I
Speaker 1: certainly hope it doesn't upset you. I lost custody to
Speaker 1: my girls in September to unfortunate circumstances. No, I don't
Speaker 1: drink or do drugs, and I didn't hurt them. I've
Speaker 1: been fighting to get them back for months to only
Speaker 1: get told that I can't see them or be around them. Now,
Speaker 1: my question is, when you lost your son, how did
Speaker 1: you lean on God. I know God can't change things,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure he's trying to teach me something here,
Speaker 1: but at any point he could have changed the outcome.
Speaker 1: And I'm having a hard time getting back to my
Speaker 1: faith and trusting that this is in his hands. How
Speaker 1: do you trust him so much? How do you still
Speaker 1: live each day knowing and trusting God? Thank you for
Speaker 1: the time to read this, And who knows, maybe it's
Speaker 1: meant to help someone else have a good day. So
Speaker 1: that kind of goes back to your thought of trusting God.
Speaker 1: Just trusting the future is none of your business. Trusting
Speaker 1: God and Debbie, there's me and Bernie get hit on
Speaker 1: several things. This is a multi layered question, and it's
Speaker 1: a good question. I'll start with I'll start with saying
Speaker 1: what I always try to remind myself is not to
Speaker 1: say why God, instead replace the why with what? Like,
Speaker 1: what God are you trying to show me in this diversity,
Speaker 1: in this suffering situation. Instead of why, change your why
Speaker 1: to what? And it instantly changes your mind. It flips
Speaker 1: the channel in your mind instead of why. It's such
Speaker 1: an open ended, unknowing question. But what is more like, Okay, what,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna look around me. I'm gonna start seeing evidence
Speaker 1: of this. I'm gonna start dissecting my brain and seeing
Speaker 1: what else around me could I be learning in this
Speaker 1: kind of situation? And it really helps. I mean I
Speaker 1: say this so many podcasts too, but I would lean
Speaker 1: on the Psalms on this too. Debbie, you asked you
Speaker 1: asked me, I hope this sudden upset you, and it doesn't.
Speaker 1: Now I'm gonna ask you the same thing. I hope
Speaker 1: this doesn't upset you. But I'm thinking, justudging by your email,
Speaker 1: you probably don't read very much Bible. Hey, I'm not judging.
Speaker 1: It's nothing wrong with that, because I too once lived
Speaker 1: in a world where I didn't read very much Bible.
Speaker 1: But you can't ask questions about the nature of God,
Speaker 1: and you can't ask questions about who God is and
Speaker 1: why God does what he does if you're not reading
Speaker 1: his word, because we believe as Christians that the Bible
Speaker 1: is the living, breathing word, current present word of God
Speaker 1: speaking to us. That's a prayer, is us talking to God,
Speaker 1: and the Bible is Him talking to us. And so
Speaker 1: if you're not reading it at all, then I would say,
Speaker 1: how could you question anything? You're not listening to the
Speaker 1: conversation He's given you, and your question is always relevant
Speaker 1: in the Psalms. You'll see the heart of God in
Speaker 1: the Psalms, and then probably more importantly, you'll see the
Speaker 1: heart of man reflecting on his position on what he
Speaker 1: thinks about God, and so many times, so many times
Speaker 1: in art. In our human brain, we think one thing,
Speaker 1: and by preaching ourselves something else, we slowly start to change.
Speaker 1: And what I mean by that is here's what I mean.
Speaker 1: I was actually telling Parker this yesterday. We none of
Speaker 1: us truly trust God, because if we did, we would
Speaker 1: have an absolutely anxiety free, stress free, peaceful life. So
Speaker 1: that's how we know none of us fully trust God
Speaker 1: as humans. And this is called faith. That's what we're
Speaker 1: talking about. Faith. It's the assurance of things that are unseen, Debbie.
Speaker 1: So when you don't trust God, like everyone at some level,
Speaker 1: we're all at different levels of trust. You preach to
Speaker 1: yourself that you do by saying you by repeating some
Speaker 1: of the psalms like I trust you God, I trust you,
Speaker 1: and deep down in your mind you're going not totally no,
Speaker 1: but I trust you. You are faithful, And you preach
Speaker 1: yourself that, and eventually you start changing. Your brain starts
Speaker 1: changing a little bit like oh for sure, yeah, go ahead, Burns, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure it was Martin Lord Jones. But somebody
Speaker 1: out there can correct me if I'm wrong, that said,
Speaker 1: the majority of the unhappiness in your life is due
Speaker 1: to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead
Speaker 1: of talking to yourself. Wow, that's perfect to what That's
Speaker 1: exactly what you're saying. And if you don't have that
Speaker 1: truth to talk to yourself with, you're going to listen.
Speaker 1: You're going to start listening to those things that are like, no,
Speaker 1: there's God. It goes back to the garden the same thing.
Speaker 1: Does God really love you? See? If he did, like,
Speaker 1: why would he keep these things from you? Why would
Speaker 1: he take these things away? Like he doesn't really love you?
Speaker 1: Come you're just questioning and questioning Instead, you have to
Speaker 1: arm yourself with that truth. So in those moments, mental
Speaker 1: habit kicks in and you're like, no, I'm gonna I'm
Speaker 1: gonna speak these things. I'm gonna meditate on this day
Speaker 1: and night, you know, just like the psalm kicks off
Speaker 1: with Yeah. And So I think as Granger is talking,
Speaker 1: the thing that I keep coming back to and as
Speaker 1: I've listened to this podcast and I've been on this podcast,
Speaker 1: and I think that Granger aligns with me here. I
Speaker 1: think we agree in this. And even though we are
Speaker 1: answering your questions. The desire is not to tell you
Speaker 1: what to do, but for you to know who God is,
Speaker 1: and that is ministry. I think that we've as a culture,
Speaker 1: we've gotten away from that. We just want to tell
Speaker 1: people what to do. Well, here's what rules you need
Speaker 1: to follow, and here's what church you need to go to,
Speaker 1: and what the need to be getting up early and doing.
Speaker 1: And some of those things are good, but they're a
Speaker 1: manifestation of who God is and our awe and our
Speaker 1: desire and our understanding and all of that of who
Speaker 1: He is. And so when when we get questions writing
Speaker 1: in about well, this happened to me, this happened to me,
Speaker 1: we understand life is hard, and those things are hard,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't change who God is. And there's no
Speaker 1: amount of things you can do right that will avoid
Speaker 1: those things in the future, because ultimately, it's who God
Speaker 1: is that matters. And so I think, like Granger is saying,
Speaker 1: to that end, you have to go to the Word
Speaker 1: because that's when you're gonna start to understand for yourself
Speaker 1: and your heart. Oh, this is who he is, This
Speaker 1: is what he suffered, This is why he was a
Speaker 1: man of sorrows. This, Oh God, place of all so good, Debbie,
Speaker 1: this is an interesting thing. You asked me, how do
Speaker 1: you trust? How do you trust? After you lost your son?
Speaker 1: How did you how did you trust God? Well, the
Speaker 1: irony and you asking me that and think it followed
Speaker 1: me here for a second. The irony and you asking
Speaker 1: me that question with your problem, which is a legit
Speaker 1: problem you have, And I'm so sorry that you're going
Speaker 1: through this custody battle. But when I started asking God
Speaker 1: through my ultimate pain, what are you trying to tell me?
Speaker 1: What are you trying to show me? What do you
Speaker 1: need me to do through this? Not? Why? What do
Speaker 1: you need me to do? Well? One of the many
Speaker 1: things that happened to me in that transition. One of
Speaker 1: the many things is this podcast changed from me telling
Speaker 1: stories to answering questions, and then that led to you,
Speaker 1: with you losing your kids, emailing me your question. So
Speaker 1: here I am literally sitting here with Bernie answering your
Speaker 1: question because the format changed because I ask God what
Speaker 1: he needed me to do because I was suffering. So
Speaker 1: that's the chain of events that you're asking me, how
Speaker 1: do I trust God? Well, that's the chain of events
Speaker 1: that happened when I did here I am talking to you, Debbie.
Speaker 1: I don't know you. I've never met you, and I
Speaker 1: doubt I ever would ever have even spoken your name
Speaker 1: until I trusted God asked him what he needed me
Speaker 1: to do. The format of this podcast changed. I open
Speaker 1: up questions. I gave you my email. You found me
Speaker 1: on TikTok. You're suffering, and you asked me this question.
Speaker 1: It's interesting, right? Is that just luck? Is that coincidence?
Speaker 1: Is that strange irony? Or is that sovereignty of God
Speaker 1: working through my suffering all the way to your suffering.
Speaker 1: That's the question I have for you. Yeah, hey, maybe
Speaker 1: it's the luck of the Irish that you might think.
Speaker 1: I don't believe that. Yeah, Okay, that's good, it's really good.
Speaker 1: Let's hit let's hit another one. Who got a good
Speaker 1: old break up? Okay, subject line break up. Hey, mister Smith,
Speaker 1: i'd like to remain anonymous, mister Smith. That's what it says,
Speaker 1: very that I would like to remain anonymous. I just
Speaker 1: recently had to break up a few weeks ago, and
Speaker 1: we've been off and on. I've listened to your podcast
Speaker 1: and they've helped me. My problem is I'm trying to
Speaker 1: understand how to be happy alone. She was my happiness.
Speaker 1: I recognized I was wrong to base a lot of
Speaker 1: my happiness on her, but she meant a lot to me.
Speaker 1: I wish maybe one day me and her could make
Speaker 1: things work again, when we're both back in the right
Speaker 1: mind space. Is that crazy of me to think? How
Speaker 1: do I get my past my heart strings of missing
Speaker 1: her and waking up every day and restarting the cycle
Speaker 1: every day. I've been trying to write songs about my feelings,
Speaker 1: and that's definitely helped. I'm seeking some more helpful pushing
Speaker 1: from you. Thank you and God bless Okay, it's interesting
Speaker 1: when I get heartbreak questions Anonymous. Your question is legit,
Speaker 1: the suffering that you have, it's similar. I always think
Speaker 1: heartbreak and grief are like brothers. They're very similar. You've
Speaker 1: lost a person that you love that meant a lot
Speaker 1: to you, so your questions legit. But what I'm about
Speaker 1: to say is not no offense. But these heartbreak questions
Speaker 1: are always the same, just the names change and the
Speaker 1: locations change. But when you're in it, it always feels
Speaker 1: like this is different. My story is different. My story
Speaker 1: is not like anything else you've ever said on the podcast.
Speaker 1: But I'm telling you it is. That's a good thing
Speaker 1: for you, man. It's a good thing that millions of people,
Speaker 1: probably everybody on this planet will or has gone through heartbreak.
Speaker 1: Because you know why. It's good because you could look
Speaker 1: at humanity and go, they still made it, They still
Speaker 1: did it. So let's dig into your question. The most
Speaker 1: dangerous sentence that you wrote in this email was she
Speaker 1: was my happiness. Yeah, but right after that, he does say,
Speaker 1: I recognize that that was not right or unhealthy. I'm
Speaker 1: not sure exactly what you said, but so it's almost
Speaker 1: like the how do you get from I know this thing?
Speaker 1: I know this was unhealthy? She was that? Two. I
Speaker 1: mean he's still somewhat in that mindset because he's still
Speaker 1: mentally running through all of the scenarios and probably painting
Speaker 1: the picture of their relationship better than it actually was,
Speaker 1: and like kind of fantasizing of what it would be
Speaker 1: like if we got back together. And yes, I mean
Speaker 1: I think you I just listened to the one with
Speaker 1: You and Parker a couple episodes ago, and I think
Speaker 1: y'all hit on this and it was so so good.
Speaker 1: Of that kind of mental loop, It's like you probably
Speaker 1: are still have her picture somewhere, and you have these habits,
Speaker 1: and it's like kill the empty habits. Yes, you got
Speaker 1: to kill empty habits, and that is an empty habit. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think you're exactly right. And the evidence of that
Speaker 1: what Bernie just said. The evidence is where you say,
Speaker 1: I wish maybe one day me and her could make
Speaker 1: things work when we're both in the right mind space.
Speaker 1: But you got to let that go. Now, could it happen?
Speaker 1: Of course, anything could happen, Bernie said earlier. The future
Speaker 1: is none of your business. I don't know what the
Speaker 1: future holds, but I know who holds the future. That's good.
Speaker 1: But that on a T shirt, Guys, put it on
Speaker 1: a T shirt. Let it go, Let it go anonymous,
Speaker 1: because if you live in a space in a world
Speaker 1: where you think maybe it might work with her again,
Speaker 1: you're limiting yourself from moving on today to any other
Speaker 1: kind of opportunity. That doesn't mean she's out of your
Speaker 1: life forever, because we know scenarios that happens. Years go
Speaker 1: by and then you get back together. Great, but you're
Speaker 1: you are putting up walls to any other opportunity. You're
Speaker 1: writing your own story and you're trying to write your
Speaker 1: future out and she's included in it. And when you
Speaker 1: do that, here come the walls. Here come anything else
Speaker 1: in your peripheral that might help you heal and might
Speaker 1: help you become better than you ever were with her,
Speaker 1: including a new relationship, possibly including a new friendship with
Speaker 1: another guy that creates a new hobby that you that.
Speaker 1: It's a chain reaction that goes into a future relationship
Speaker 1: that you might have that's better, and it will be.
Speaker 1: You'll look back and go, I'm better. I'm better because
Speaker 1: of the breakup. I'm better because of the hardship I
Speaker 1: went through. Humans are so resilient and so many have
Speaker 1: been through heartache, and you've seen the evidence of how
Speaker 1: they recover. I think Bernie's right. I think you're doing
Speaker 1: stuff right now that's clinging onto this past relationship. You're
Speaker 1: running through your mind, what should I have done differently?
Speaker 1: What should I have said? How do I be happy alone? Well,
Speaker 1: the reason that the ultimate reason right now you're not
Speaker 1: happy alone is because you're still thinking that there's a
Speaker 1: future with her. Should say empty habits? Yeah, I love that,
Speaker 1: kill empty habits. I think David Goggins originally said that,
Speaker 1: so I can't you know, steal his thing? But either
Speaker 1: way it applies. So I want to ask a question though,
Speaker 1: of and I think it is a question that applies
Speaker 1: to a lot of these breakup questions, but also to
Speaker 1: some of the other topics. Is this person who was
Speaker 1: this s? Anonymous? Anonymous? Okay, they've listened to the podcast
Speaker 1: and the other people that have written in I listen
Speaker 1: to your podcast for years. It's so awesome, thank you.
Speaker 1: But then they go on to ask some of the
Speaker 1: very same questions that you have answered. But there's like,
Speaker 1: oh this is different because man, I loved her so
Speaker 1: much more than anybody else on the podcast. But what
Speaker 1: do you think it is in human nature that I
Speaker 1: don't want to listen to the answers and the advice
Speaker 1: that Grangeur has given on other podcasts that clearly is
Speaker 1: the same and applies. It's like I gotta, I gotta.
Speaker 1: Is it just I mean, is it like hello, is
Speaker 1: this thing on like a are you listening? Or is
Speaker 1: it more of they just want to get on the podcast,
Speaker 1: and or is it like I want to share, Like
Speaker 1: what what is it? Why do you keep getting the
Speaker 1: same a lot of the same questions when you're knocking
Speaker 1: it out of the park. As far as answering, let's
Speaker 1: let's work through that as you say, let's stress test that. Okay,
Speaker 1: that's what that's your phrase. Yeah, we're gonna take a break.
Speaker 1: We're almost out of time. We'll take a break and
Speaker 1: we'll get back to stress test that question. This podcast
Speaker 1: is sponsored by Better Help Online Therapy. Relationships take work.
Speaker 1: A lot of us will drop anything to go help
Speaker 1: someone we care about, and we go out of our
Speaker 1: way to treat any other person, but how often do
Speaker 1: we give ourselves the same treatment? I mean, have you
Speaker 1: ever understood the idea that we will literally take care
Speaker 1: of our pets. And if you take your dog to
Speaker 1: the vet and get some kind of treatment, say you
Speaker 1: get a pill for your dog, you will never skip
Speaker 1: giving that dog a pill. But when it comes to yourself,
Speaker 1: very rarely will you take your own pill. This month,
Speaker 1: Better Help Online Therapy wants to remind you to take
Speaker 1: care of the most important relationship in your life, and
Speaker 1: that's the one you have with yourself. Whether it's hitting
Speaker 1: the gym, or making time for a haircut, or even
Speaker 1: trying therapy. You are your greatest assets, so invest your
Speaker 1: time and effort into yourself like you do other people.
Speaker 1: On this podcast, we've talked so many times about having
Speaker 1: wise counsel and seeing therapy if you need it, and
Speaker 1: this is a great opportunity if you don't have a
Speaker 1: general therapist in your town. Better Help is online therapy
Speaker 1: that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions with
Speaker 1: your therapist, so you don't have to see anyone on
Speaker 1: camera if you don't want to. It's much more affordable
Speaker 1: than in person therapy, and you could be matched with
Speaker 1: a therapist in under forty eight hours. It's really quick,
Speaker 1: so give it a try and see why. Over two
Speaker 1: million people have used better Help online therapy. This podcast
Speaker 1: is sponsored by better Help and the Grangersmith Podcast Listeners
Speaker 1: get ten percent off their first month at betterhelp dot
Speaker 1: com slash granger. That's b E T T E r
Speaker 1: h E l P dot com slash granger. Okay, so
Speaker 1: the question that Bernie was just talking about, and that's
Speaker 1: it's legit. Why do people listen to this podcast and
Speaker 1: hear similar questions and I'll answer it and then they'll
Speaker 1: come back with the same kind of question. The scenario
Speaker 1: is different, I want to say say on a side note,
Speaker 1: keep asking them that's okay, sure, yeah, yeah, I love
Speaker 1: I love answering the questions. So it's not about it's
Speaker 1: not about hey, they'll change the subjects here. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that I love it. I love it. That's that's
Speaker 1: my job and that's my responsibility. So if you ask
Speaker 1: me the same question why is the sky blue? Every
Speaker 1: single week, I promise I would keep trying my best
Speaker 1: to answer it. But it's good for you to understand
Speaker 1: the mindset of the the person riding in, like what
Speaker 1: is that? And I say something a little different every time,
Speaker 1: and it helps me. It helps me too, So I
Speaker 1: think first the first thing place I would go is
Speaker 1: when you're when you are suffering or you're afflicted, including heartbreak,
Speaker 1: you are blinded to the outside world in a lot
Speaker 1: of ways, like you've got you've got horse blinders on.
Speaker 1: You can't see right or left. And as much as
Speaker 1: you've heard say you say you break an ankle, Now,
Speaker 1: we all know that hurts. We all know I've never
Speaker 1: broke an ankle. We all know it hurts, and we've
Speaker 1: we've seen people do it all around us our whole lives,
Speaker 1: falling out of treehouses or whatever. But when you do it,
Speaker 1: You're like, wow, this really hurts. No, seriously, this really hurts.
Speaker 1: Like I got this pain right here because I broke
Speaker 1: my ankle and they're got to put they got to
Speaker 1: put pins in it, and it really it's like you
Speaker 1: can't And the doctor doesn't say, of course it does.
Speaker 1: Everyone else hurts. You're like, no, but mine really hurts,
Speaker 1: you know. So I think when you're when you're afflicted
Speaker 1: in any way, you start to become blinded by sound,
Speaker 1: advice and and everyone around you. So, for instance, Anonymous,
Speaker 1: if your friends came over, and I'm sure they have
Speaker 1: to been like, dude, you got to get over this girl,
Speaker 1: and in instantly in your mind you think you don't
Speaker 1: know this girl. She's the one you can't tell me.
Speaker 1: But the truth is they've been there too, They've had
Speaker 1: the one, They've had the girl that mattered more than
Speaker 1: anything else. So I think that's part of it. I mean,
Speaker 1: what are your thoughts on why people ask the same question. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you just said something that made me think maybe there's
Speaker 1: something in our human nature that we long to share
Speaker 1: in suffering. We long to like people to be included
Speaker 1: in our lives and what we're going through. So I think,
Speaker 1: you know, I have grangeur that if I'm like the
Speaker 1: other day I called you, I was like, hey, this
Speaker 1: is you know, kind of what's happening. Gave me some
Speaker 1: great advice. I also call my buddy Chad that I've
Speaker 1: known forever. He told me about the same thing. But
Speaker 1: it's like I knew he probably was going to but
Speaker 1: for some reason, was like, I probably need to ask
Speaker 1: Chad to Yeah. And so maybe there's just something in us.
Speaker 1: And I mean, comment below what y'all think, but maybe
Speaker 1: there's something in us that's like I I've told Granger this,
Speaker 1: or I've told my you know, my friends this, But
Speaker 1: I feel like I also want to share with people
Speaker 1: that are willing to kind of step into it with me.
Speaker 1: I want them to share with it. And you have
Speaker 1: created a platform and a space here where people feel
Speaker 1: like you are willing to enter into their heartbreak and
Speaker 1: their suffering or whatever, which is awesome. That's I mean,
Speaker 1: And I think people will continue to write in because
Speaker 1: you've done that. Maybe that's it. It's like, is anybody
Speaker 1: out there willing to enter into this with me? Because
Speaker 1: if they are, it doesn't matter if it's five people
Speaker 1: or fifty you're gonna say yes, come because you entering
Speaker 1: in and that relationship is healing to trauma. I mean
Speaker 1: that's scientific. Trauma is best resolved through relationship and healed
Speaker 1: through relationship. So maybe that's it, and maybe it's it's
Speaker 1: I didn't think of this when the question, but maybe
Speaker 1: it really is a reflection of what you've created here
Speaker 1: that people feel safe and like, he'll enter this with me.
Speaker 1: Keep asking if you guys got a heartbreak question? Keep
Speaker 1: on asking, because I actually enjoy I enjoy walking through it.
Speaker 1: But I also want you to see anonymous. Your scenario
Speaker 1: is you broke up with this girl and you want
Speaker 1: her back and you're not sure what the future holds
Speaker 1: with her. And like the question before was Debbie, who's
Speaker 1: fighting a custody battle losing your kids to an ex
Speaker 1: that used to be the same person in her life
Speaker 1: that this girl is to you, It's important to think
Speaker 1: that the grass is not greener. You fight for this
Speaker 1: relationship and you just might end up in a custody
Speaker 1: battle with your kids. That's good. So it all goes
Speaker 1: back to being content alone, be content with yourself finding happiness.
Speaker 1: We believe as Christians that joy and our identity comes
Speaker 1: through our relationship with Jesus. And you could you could fight,
Speaker 1: and you could try, and you can climb mountains in
Speaker 1: Asia and to find purple flowers all you want, but
Speaker 1: true zin, happiness and joy. Is that a thing am
Speaker 1: I like missing? That's a thing like in the movie Batman,
Speaker 1: he like has to climb the mountain against his purple
Speaker 1: flowers because that's I don't know, but he's right, there's
Speaker 1: there's no purple flowers up there. So I talked to
Speaker 1: a friend of mine that works with us, and we
Speaker 1: were skiing in Utah and we're going up the ski
Speaker 1: lift and he said, man, I your podcast has helped
Speaker 1: me through your heartbreak questions. And I'm like, really, And
Speaker 1: he'd never brought this up, and and this guy, he's
Speaker 1: such a great guy, and he said, I've never experienced
Speaker 1: traumatic loss in my family. I've never lost a grandparent
Speaker 1: or you know, sibling or a parent. And so my
Speaker 1: my only experience with loss heartbreak, and it was really bad.
Speaker 1: And it's then once again, it connects me to heartreat
Speaker 1: heartbreak and grief for very similar you're losing someone you
Speaker 1: love permanently, and and he said, but going through your
Speaker 1: podcast helped me and I instantly on this on this
Speaker 1: ski lift, I was like, okay, tell me more, Like
Speaker 1: tell me more so I can know what to say,
Speaker 1: like walk me through the beginning and all the way
Speaker 1: through the process. And he told me that he went
Speaker 1: for eight months missing her, crying, needing her back, longing
Speaker 1: for her. And I was like, well, what was the
Speaker 1: tipping point? Like what happened? And he said, you know,
Speaker 1: besides his relationship with God that he leaned on and
Speaker 1: through that probably came a lot of understanding. But the
Speaker 1: thing that he physically did was he blocked her on
Speaker 1: all social media. And you've got to get over the
Speaker 1: fact that I don't want to offend her or I
Speaker 1: don't want to make her mad more mad at me,
Speaker 1: or I don't want her to think I don't love her.
Speaker 1: Just forget all that and just block her on everything
Speaker 1: so she does not come back into your mind. Ever,
Speaker 1: she doesn't pop up on your feed and you see
Speaker 1: her out with their friends or god forbid, with a
Speaker 1: new guy, or doing anything that she's having fun without you.
Speaker 1: That is gone, that is out of your mind, out
Speaker 1: of sight, out of mind. In fact, don't you think
Speaker 1: heartbreak was probably easier to get over in the eighteen hundreds. Oh,
Speaker 1: for sure, you just literally move to other town and
Speaker 1: never see them. Yeah. First of all, we've evolved into
Speaker 1: some very sensitive people and so like we're very feelings
Speaker 1: feelings based, and they just weren't back then. They're like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I would say block her on everything, and there's this.
Speaker 1: The only reason you're not doing it right now is
Speaker 1: because because of this thought that maybe I'll get back
Speaker 1: with her. She'll find you if it's meant to be.
Speaker 1: You'll see her at the grocery store, you'll see her somewhere.
Speaker 1: You'll see her some scenario. But it's not going to
Speaker 1: be on Facebook. Yeah, you're not going to get past
Speaker 1: that until you start to heal. And you can't heal
Speaker 1: until you remove some of those things. Yeah, your mind,
Speaker 1: the way that it's wired, these neuropathways are going to
Speaker 1: see certain things and they're going to immediately go back
Speaker 1: to this place, and so you have to remove those things.
Speaker 1: Whatever it is. It was an old T shirt, the
Speaker 1: way the T shirt like, Yes, you got to remove
Speaker 1: yourself from a time until you can heal. For sure.
Speaker 1: You know what's crazy. This is the last thing I'll
Speaker 1: say about heartbreak unless we get the next question about it.
Speaker 1: But as humans, we start to connect the pain with
Speaker 1: the actual memory, and so when the memory starts fading,
Speaker 1: we reconnect with the pain to bring it back to
Speaker 1: us a little bit. Because we miss the person, we
Speaker 1: miss them memory, and we've had so much pain about
Speaker 1: the memory. We make this connection, and so we kind
Speaker 1: of start loving the pain. And so we go back
Speaker 1: to Facebook and we try to see if she's with
Speaker 1: somebody new. Maybe she's having fun, maybe she went back
Speaker 1: to that her ex boyfriend. I gotta see. You're putting
Speaker 1: yourself in the fire on purpose, not to hurt yourself,
Speaker 1: but because the fire is connected with the memory. Why
Speaker 1: do we do that to ourselves? I don't know. I
Speaker 1: think now we do have so many more avenues of
Speaker 1: distraction or not distraction, of actually distracting us from the
Speaker 1: important things and moving on, but so many more things
Speaker 1: to grab our attention and take us back to those
Speaker 1: places than we used to. Man and kill empty habits,
Speaker 1: kill empty habits. All right, let's see what we got next.
Speaker 1: Broke up with this girl? I mu as well read it.
Speaker 1: I might as well, just because it popped up. It says, hey,
Speaker 1: Granger recently broke up with this girl after one year.
Speaker 1: I broke up with her because my family did not
Speaker 1: like her, especially my mom. I currently attend college with
Speaker 1: her and have her in most of my classes. How
Speaker 1: do I move on and be okay seeing her with
Speaker 1: other people when I'm seeing her all the time? Okay, boy,
Speaker 1: you better listen to your mama. I think I think
Speaker 1: so too. I think what we could take this question
Speaker 1: the direction of my family didn't like her, Well, there's
Speaker 1: a reason. And you can't tell me your whole family
Speaker 1: your name is William, William. You can't tell me your
Speaker 1: whole family is crazy. And you're the only sane one
Speaker 1: and you're the only one that saw her in the
Speaker 1: right light, and everyone else saw her as wrong for you. Right,
Speaker 1: they're not crazy, so take it with the grain of salt.
Speaker 1: You see a lighter side of her, but they saw
Speaker 1: something in her that they didn't like reflecting in you.
Speaker 1: So here you are stuck with heartbreak. For a different scenario,
Speaker 1: but you, you are in her classes, sit on the
Speaker 1: other side of the classroom, block her from social media.
Speaker 1: You've got to get her out of side, out of mind.
Speaker 1: We'll connect it with the last question. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: I think there's another layer. Not only have y'all broken
Speaker 1: up and so it's just like the one before this,
Speaker 1: but also you have the reinforced family dynamic that's saying, dude,
Speaker 1: she's not it, you need to move on. So here's
Speaker 1: a tough one. Do you love her? Because if the
Speaker 1: answer is yes, if what you felt was love, then
Speaker 1: her finding another guy that's good for her, that makes
Speaker 1: her happy shouldn't bother you. That's difficult. Cool, that's high
Speaker 1: level right there, that's high level heartbreak. But you got
Speaker 1: to tell yourself was I loving her for the right reasons?
Speaker 1: Because if it was the right reason, then just to
Speaker 1: see her happy and smile, since you broke up with
Speaker 1: her and be with someone that brings her joy in
Speaker 1: a relationship that shouldn't bother you, that you should be
Speaker 1: glad for her. That's tough. Yeah, there needs to be
Speaker 1: a Granger Smith podcast where we have a big bonfire
Speaker 1: and a lot of people sitting around, and William is
Speaker 1: one of the ones because there's a lot more questions
Speaker 1: that I would have for him to kind of dig
Speaker 1: into the details. But just from the thirty thousand foot view,
Speaker 1: I think nailed every bit of his question. All right,
Speaker 1: let's see what we have here. Next subject line today's podcast,
Speaker 1: and it says I lost my dad, his wife, my
Speaker 1: aunt step aunt this past December, within a few weeks,
Speaker 1: all due to COVID. My dad and his wife within
Speaker 1: eight hours of each other. The first thing you said
Speaker 1: today on the podcast was about missing your dad today
Speaker 1: is tough. I'm really missing him today. Just seems like
Speaker 1: it may have been a sign. Thank you, Christopher. Not
Speaker 1: not really a question in here, So Christopher, thanks for listening.
Speaker 1: And I would say, I would say, keep showing up.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry for your your heavy losses, and keep
Speaker 1: showing up. I would say, get up in the morning,
Speaker 1: get out of bed. Set your alarm. This this is
Speaker 1: going through extreme grief. Set your alarm for the morning,
Speaker 1: regardless of when you go to bed. Say you stay
Speaker 1: up really late, either working or grieving or distracted or
Speaker 1: Instagram or TV whatever, you stay up really late. Set
Speaker 1: your alarm regardless of what time you go to bed,
Speaker 1: and wake up and get up and start a simple routine.
Speaker 1: I'm talking simple like coffee, brush your teeth, some kind
Speaker 1: of exercise, and stick with it and keep showing up,
Speaker 1: go to work, don't skip work, show up, be around
Speaker 1: people being in that community. Open the windows, let the
Speaker 1: sun come in. Make sure you're not skipping meals. If
Speaker 1: you're skipping meals, go to the go to a vitamin
Speaker 1: shop and get a meal replacement shake that you could
Speaker 1: just throw in a blender and drink to get those calories.
Speaker 1: Don't skip your meals. Don't don't eat bad food. Might
Speaker 1: try so hard, it's difficult to not go and get
Speaker 1: fried chicken every night or a cheeseburger. Try to keep
Speaker 1: try to eat cleaner. Your brain needs that fuel. And
Speaker 1: then do these things enough, and that will stop you
Speaker 1: from being so distracted at night that you can't go
Speaker 1: to sleep. It'll also stop you from waking up at
Speaker 1: two am and thinking about Dad, because sometimes you wake
Speaker 1: up and you open your eyes from a dream and
Speaker 1: the first thought you have is he's gone. She's gone.
Speaker 1: And then you're stuck, and it's like it's like you
Speaker 1: were in a dream world, and then reality hits you,
Speaker 1: and now you're up from two am to three am
Speaker 1: sad thinking about it, and then that affects you trying
Speaker 1: to get up, and then you end up sleeping in
Speaker 1: and then you're rushing to get your clothes on to
Speaker 1: go to work. So see this little loop I made,
Speaker 1: So I would say the first thing for me that's
Speaker 1: so important is to get up when that alarm goes
Speaker 1: off and start your simple morning routine that includes exercise,
Speaker 1: eating something decent, brushing your teeth, drinking your coffee, getting dressed.
Speaker 1: Because that's a chain reaction that's gonna you're gonna be
Speaker 1: tired during the day. You're not gonna you're gonna sleep better,
Speaker 1: your appetitle be up, especially if you're exercising. You notice
Speaker 1: I haven't even said anything about grief and loss. This
Speaker 1: is like self maintenance. It's like this is you're taking
Speaker 1: your truck to the to the magnet shop and you're
Speaker 1: doing You're checking all the fluids. You're making sure you
Speaker 1: got air in your tires. Why, because that's how you
Speaker 1: drive better without a breakdown. Yeah, this is what you're
Speaker 1: talking about is standards and to you know, paint the picture.
Speaker 1: We're we have choices to base our actions on feelings
Speaker 1: or standards. I remember your brother Tyler sent me that
Speaker 1: video when we were going through you know, just recovering
Speaker 1: from trauma and and grief and loss from He sent
Speaker 1: me this video of Ben Newman, I think was the
Speaker 1: guy that does this really great video on choosing standards
Speaker 1: over feelings. Because our feeling is it's cold. I'm warm
Speaker 1: in the bed. I know the alarm's going off, but
Speaker 1: I'm just kinda snooze. But the standard is you wake
Speaker 1: up and then you get coffee and then you brush
Speaker 1: your teeth or vice versa for you since you're you know,
Speaker 1: do accrids. But I think he I think Grangeer, this
Speaker 1: is great advice and a good place to start. I
Speaker 1: think we can both relate to this, and I think
Speaker 1: you're in this place of grief and recovery and this
Speaker 1: is pretty traumatic, I would say, for that much loss
Speaker 1: and short amount of time. And so just remember that
Speaker 1: one of the most important elements of healing from trauma
Speaker 1: is relationship. So make sure that you are processing these
Speaker 1: things with people, that you're talking about them, that you're living,
Speaker 1: You're living this out within community with people so that
Speaker 1: they can be there for you, they can listen, and
Speaker 1: that those relationships, I feel like will help you kind
Speaker 1: of find find your way. We could use this same
Speaker 1: talk for heartbreak too, because, like I said, heartbreak and
Speaker 1: grief for brothers very close. I didn't even realize this
Speaker 1: really till recently, how close they are. So if you're
Speaker 1: listening with heartbreak, I would say the same thing. Open
Speaker 1: your blinds, let the sunlight in, get around people, exercise somewhat,
Speaker 1: try to eat well. Here's another thing. When your brain
Speaker 1: is compromised, which it is in grief or heartbreak, stay
Speaker 1: away from alcohol. It's so important. I'm talking about any
Speaker 1: kind of even social drinking. If you know your mind
Speaker 1: is compromised, run from it. Because alcohol will make it
Speaker 1: worse every time. And you think it's the opposite. Listen
Speaker 1: to any nineties country song you think it's the opposite.
Speaker 1: It's gonna help you, it's gonna help you forget, You're
Speaker 1: gonna sober up it sometime. It always makes it worse.
Speaker 1: And so I'm not saying don't ever drink alcohol. I'm
Speaker 1: just saying, if your mind is compromised, be very careful
Speaker 1: of that poison that you could be doing to yourself.
Speaker 1: It's gonna ruin this routine we're talking about of waking
Speaker 1: up and getting started and exercising and eating right. It's
Speaker 1: gonna ruin all that, and it's gonna make things worse.
Speaker 1: That's good. We got to have for one more? Are
Speaker 1: we done? Yeah? Another one? Oh, let me say one
Speaker 1: more thing. This happened in December. Give yourself grace too.
Speaker 1: This is brand new, so you got a year, entire year,
Speaker 1: you're gonna deal with this at the full strength until
Speaker 1: this coming December twenty twenty two. So after that, after
Speaker 1: you go through all the one year anniversaries, it's gonna
Speaker 1: get a little easier on you. But give yourself grace
Speaker 1: that right now you're in the heat of it, and
Speaker 1: grief is a wave. You're gonna find some days you're
Speaker 1: on the crest and some days you're down in the trough.
Speaker 1: And sometimes that frequency happens every couple of minutes. So
Speaker 1: just recognize I'm in the trough right now. This is
Speaker 1: really I'm feeling bad. I feel heavy. I'm gonna come
Speaker 1: back up. I don't know when, but I'll be And
Speaker 1: then an hour goes by and you're like, actually feel better,
Speaker 1: And then we're all wired differently, so that timeframe could
Speaker 1: be different for him. And if he has I'm sure
Speaker 1: he has other people that have experienced the same thing
Speaker 1: and they're going through grief and loss and trauma, and
Speaker 1: that moment that they're able to switch from I'm processing feelings.
Speaker 1: I'm kind of living in that. It's so I can't
Speaker 1: even get to the point of standards. It's going to
Speaker 1: be at a different moment in time. So have grace
Speaker 1: for those people to and don't judge yourself. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: was like, man, he's doing so well, and like, I
Speaker 1: still feel it's okay. It's okay exactly. Next question, subject
Speaker 1: line says, do we do what's best for my wife's
Speaker 1: dream and future career? I graing your big fan of
Speaker 1: the podcast in your music. My name is Ian, I'm
Speaker 1: twenty three from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. My wife has recently
Speaker 1: been accepted into grad school at the University of Memphis,
Speaker 1: and that's where she's going to go to college and
Speaker 1: to where she's been going to college for the last
Speaker 1: four years. It's been a dream of both of us
Speaker 1: since we even before we moved out of excuse me
Speaker 1: really start over. It's been a dream of both of
Speaker 1: ours since before we even knew each other to move
Speaker 1: out of Iowa. And we both agree that Tennessee is
Speaker 1: a great place to go. University of Memphis is very
Speaker 1: hard place to get accepted to in a top rated
Speaker 1: program in her field. We are hesitant to go because
Speaker 1: we both have our families here in Iowa. It would
Speaker 1: make it very difficult for our families to watch our
Speaker 1: seven month year old daughter grow up from so far away.
Speaker 1: I'm a Union Electric Electrical apprentice and I wouldn't be
Speaker 1: able to so it wouldn't be too difficult for me
Speaker 1: to move where I'm going. It feels like her best choice,
Speaker 1: and I don't want to leave our families. It's an
Speaker 1: amazing opportunity for her, and like I said, we both
Speaker 1: have been wanting to move away for quite some time.
Speaker 1: Any advice would be appreciated. So it sounds like he's
Speaker 1: got a checklist going on in his mind here and
Speaker 1: most of the checks are going to move into Tennessee,
Speaker 1: but he's got one in the Iowa call him and
Speaker 1: that's family, And it sounds like it sounds like he's hesitant,
Speaker 1: and that's why he's emailing me because he feels like
Speaker 1: he feels a lot of pressure in accepting this. Mm hmm, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's a tough decision. What's his name? Ian Ian Ian
Speaker 1: understand the difficulty in leaving family and leaving built in
Speaker 1: babysitters with you know, having the parents right there, So
Speaker 1: I don't know if the conversation and this is again
Speaker 1: where we kind of need you sitting here with us,
Speaker 1: like what has the conversation been like with your parents
Speaker 1: or with the family that is there? Are they supportive?
Speaker 1: Are they are there other details of this move that
Speaker 1: kind of way in one direction or another that you're
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, haven't put in the email. But I
Speaker 1: think a lot of times we can be we can
Speaker 1: know what to do, and and we feel God moving
Speaker 1: us to do something, and then we start to use
Speaker 1: these very small other reasons to to keep us from
Speaker 1: not following and being obedient, which is by far the
Speaker 1: most important thing we're called to. Man Ian, this is
Speaker 1: the best advice I can give to you. You are
Speaker 1: considering moving across the country. You're leaving grandparents of your
Speaker 1: of your little daughter with your wife. Here, here's my
Speaker 1: best advice. You will not be married to Tennessee or Memphis,
Speaker 1: meaning you can go for six months and go you
Speaker 1: know what we messed up. Let's go back to Iowa.
Speaker 1: This is not what we expected. This is too difficult,
Speaker 1: This is too hard on her daughter and her relationship
Speaker 1: with her grandparents. We're going back. That's gonna cost you
Speaker 1: a little money. That'll be a mis not a mistake.
Speaker 1: That'll be a a move. That will cost you a
Speaker 1: little bit of money to have to go back, But
Speaker 1: that is a loss that you should be willing to take.
Speaker 1: Maybe there's an opportunity to stay at the in laws
Speaker 1: house for a short amount of time if you come back,
Speaker 1: But that's a safety net that is worth having. It's
Speaker 1: worth saying to your wife. I mean, think how good
Speaker 1: she's gonna feel when you say, Babe, I'm so happy
Speaker 1: for this opportunity for you. I'm so proud that you
Speaker 1: have worked so hard and this is a very difficult
Speaker 1: school to get into, and this is your dream, babe,
Speaker 1: and I want to support you one hundred percent in
Speaker 1: this dream. I will I will carry that burden and
Speaker 1: I will be able to get a job as an
Speaker 1: electrician in Memphis. I think it's a great adventure. We
Speaker 1: get to have some great barbecue, we get to see
Speaker 1: meet new friends, find a new church. I'm really excited.
Speaker 1: It's not I don't I can't tell you how far
Speaker 1: Memphis is from Cedar Rapids. I'm assuming it's like an
Speaker 1: eight hour drive or something like that. So we're still
Speaker 1: a day's drive from the parents. If we really need
Speaker 1: to go back, we'll go back. But I think you say,
Speaker 1: and by the way, Babe, we're not married to this decision.
Speaker 1: We're not glued to Tennessee. If it comes down to it,
Speaker 1: you could pull out of school and we'll go straight back.
Speaker 1: We'll go back to our safety net. And so that's
Speaker 1: the reason I would tell you Ian, do it and
Speaker 1: don't have any reservations and put it all, put all
Speaker 1: that praise on her, like, I'm so proud of you,
Speaker 1: and she years from now, she'll be like when something
Speaker 1: comes up with you, she's gonna be like, Babe, you
Speaker 1: supported me when we wanted to go to Memphis, So
Speaker 1: of course I'm gonna let you do this. Yeah, now,
Speaker 1: that's really good. I think it's our human nature too,
Speaker 1: And I do this, Guys. I'm as guilty as anybody
Speaker 1: to start and I'm type A. So it's like, I
Speaker 1: want to plan and I want to know the future,
Speaker 1: and but the future is none of your business. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you remember, there's probably a lot of steps that have
Speaker 1: to happen before you load up the U haul and go. Yes,
Speaker 1: So just take the first one with the heart of God.
Speaker 1: If this is not your will, close the door. We
Speaker 1: feel the nudge. We're trying to be obedient. He knows
Speaker 1: your heart is that's where it's at. Just take the
Speaker 1: next thing that's in front of you, and you're gonna
Speaker 1: feel if that's your prayer, your honest prayer, I think
Speaker 1: the door is gonna shut in your face if you're
Speaker 1: not supposed to go, and you're gonna feel, you're gonna
Speaker 1: feel confident in staying. That's exactly what I was gonna say.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, do you remember Indiana jones last crusade.
Speaker 1: He's going after the Holy Grail, and he's one of
Speaker 1: the tests Indiana Jones is doing is he's walking across
Speaker 1: that canyon and it's an invisible step and he just
Speaker 1: has to close his eyes and just take the step.
Speaker 1: And it's like, that's what you're doing. Ian. You're saying, God,
Speaker 1: I trust you, I'm gonna take this step, and I
Speaker 1: promise you you're gonna know quickly as things start piling
Speaker 1: up and that step isn't there anymore? Like we can
Speaker 1: find a place. I couldn't find an electrician job. She
Speaker 1: doesn't like any of the professors we couldn't find a
Speaker 1: good church. You're gonna go. This is not working. This
Speaker 1: opposite will happen too. If you're like, wow, I got
Speaker 1: a job quickly. It's actually a good paying job. She
Speaker 1: actually loves her classes. We actually met some friends next
Speaker 1: door that we really like. Yeah, pray for those things.
Speaker 1: Pray for. God is not a god of confusion. Just
Speaker 1: be prayerful. Yeah, and Bernie doesn't mean pray for the
Speaker 1: good things. He means pray for clarity and the good
Speaker 1: or the bad, so that you know it's time to
Speaker 1: go to Iowa or it's time to stay in Tennessee.
Speaker 1: That's right. That's why it's all good. When the future
Speaker 1: is none of our business, and if all we want
Speaker 1: is for God to use our lives, there is no
Speaker 1: bad Staying isn't bad, and going isn't good. It's obedience
Speaker 1: that's good, and that's what you're after, So there is
Speaker 1: no bad option here. Love you, guys, That's all we
Speaker 1: got today. See next than thank you for having me,
Speaker 1: see you, thanks for joining me on the Grangersmith podcast.
Speaker 1: I appreciate all of you. Guys. You could help me
Speaker 1: out by rating this podcast on iTunes. If you're on YouTube,
Speaker 1: subscribe to this channel, hit that little like button and
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Speaker 1: upload a video. If you have a question for me
Speaker 1: that you would like me to answer, email Grangersmith Podcast
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com. Yigi