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Speaker 1: Family Secrets as a production of I Heart Radio. By

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Speaker 1: the time I was ten, street name signs had disintegrated

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Speaker 1: into a blurry haze of green and white unless I

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Speaker 1: was almost directly under them. I couldn't read colored words

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Speaker 1: against the background unless there was enough of a contrast,

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Speaker 1: and I couldn't read the aisle signs in the supermarket

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Speaker 1: unless I squinted. Faces started to look the same to me,

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Speaker 1: their features indistinguishable. I became anxious over my inability to

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Speaker 1: recognize people as they approached, but I learned to use

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Speaker 1: the idiosyncrasies of their gait and the particular way their

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Speaker 1: bodies occupied space to identify them. And when that failed,

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Speaker 1: I learned to look down at my feet while I

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Speaker 1: walked to avoid accidental eye contact with anyone I couldn't recognize. Eventually,

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Speaker 1: as my sight worsened and my squinting powers failed me,

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Speaker 1: I developed a new technique. I would push the bottom

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Speaker 1: lid of my eye inward and upward to narrow my

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Speaker 1: field of vision until my eyes were almost closed, but

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Speaker 1: not quite. This technique was more effective than the regular squint,

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Speaker 1: and for a time it worked. It was almost like

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Speaker 1: a super squint. Walking alongside my mother and father. One

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Speaker 1: day in a right aid pharmacy, I decided to try

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Speaker 1: out my new technique in order to read the signs

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Speaker 1: hanging above the aisles. My father had walked ahead of us.

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Speaker 1: I held on to my mother with my left hand

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Speaker 1: and pushed in the bottom lids of my eyes with

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Speaker 1: my right, using my thumb and index finger. Suddenly, my

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Speaker 1: mother's face was close to mine, her eyes wide as

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Speaker 1: she bent down towards me. Gale, what are you doing,

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Speaker 1: she whispered, harshly, Oh this, I said, nothing, just trying

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Speaker 1: to read the signs. Don't let your father see you,

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Speaker 1: she said. She pulled my hand down and forced it

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Speaker 1: against my side. Stop pretending you can't see, or you

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Speaker 1: really will be blind. You know how your father feels

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Speaker 1: about that. She glanced nervously towards my father. I'm not pretending, mom,

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Speaker 1: I really can't. What is it? My father had started

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Speaker 1: to walk back toward us. Nothing, my mother said, quickly,

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Speaker 1: straining up. There was something in her eye and we

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Speaker 1: were trying to get it out. It's out now, though

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Speaker 1: she squeezed my hand, almost crushing it. That's Lee Tran,

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Speaker 1: reading from her debut memoir House of Sticks. Le's is

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Speaker 1: a story of loyalty, family, tenacity, and a secret she

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Speaker 1: kept for a long time, so long it very nearly

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Speaker 1: destroyed her. I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets,

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Speaker 1: the secrets that are kept from us, the secrets we

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Speaker 1: keep from others, and the secrets we keep from ourselves.

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Speaker 1: What was the landscape of your childhood before you were

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Speaker 1: three years old? And then after I was born in

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Speaker 1: a small town in southern Vietnam. In nine my family

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Speaker 1: and I were able to immigrate to the United States

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Speaker 1: through a program known as the Humanitarian Operation, which helped

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Speaker 1: resettle former prisoners of war here in the States. And

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Speaker 1: my father was a former pow. He's spent almost ten

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Speaker 1: years in the re education camps of Vietnam. And you know,

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Speaker 1: that was our lucky ticket out. And so we we

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Speaker 1: came to Ridgewood, Queens in the middle of a blizzard,

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Speaker 1: no less, so it was neat, let's just say, very

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Speaker 1: cold for us of Vietnmee people. And you know it

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Speaker 1: was it was really difficult to navigate this foreign country.

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Speaker 1: None of us spoke the language. I know. I was

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Speaker 1: only three and I had three older brothers at the time,

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Speaker 1: the oldest of which was just nine years old, and

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Speaker 1: so finding a way to make ends meet it was

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Speaker 1: really difficult. But a family friend introduced us to this

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Speaker 1: sort of home sweatshop labor and so that's what we did.

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Speaker 1: And it required us to borrow a sewing machine from

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Speaker 1: the company and then we would sort of work to

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Speaker 1: pay it off over the years. There will be a

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Speaker 1: weekly quota and you know, maybe one thousand ties or

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Speaker 1: two thousand commer buns, and we had to deliver it

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Speaker 1: every week. So that was my first job as a toddler,

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Speaker 1: which was to to help my family make these ties

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Speaker 1: and commer buns. And I separated the materials, gave them

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Speaker 1: to my father who would then sow the ties, and

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Speaker 1: then my brothers and I would take it out from

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Speaker 1: underneath the sewing machine and turn it inside out and

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Speaker 1: it was just this little family assembly line. Yeah. We

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Speaker 1: we did that all the way up until I was twelve.

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Speaker 1: Describe your mother for me, Well, my mother, she's a

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Speaker 1: very fiercely independent woman, um, and she was sort of

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Speaker 1: the main reason that we were able to keep it

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Speaker 1: together as a family. My father was incredible as well.

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Speaker 1: You know, he tried really hard to just get us

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Speaker 1: through the system. We would spend a lot of days

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Speaker 1: at the International Rescue Committee, and he would take down notes,

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Speaker 1: you know, exactly where he needed to take us to

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Speaker 1: get vaccinations, for instance, to get to go to the

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Speaker 1: food stamp office, and to get my brothers enrolled in school.

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Speaker 1: Whereas my mother, you know, she was more responsible for

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Speaker 1: just calculating how much money we would need to put

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Speaker 1: food on the table while also keeping us warm. And

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Speaker 1: she was also part of the reason my father wasn't

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Speaker 1: so abusive all the time. You know, she would find

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Speaker 1: ways to calm him down whenever she saw his temper

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Speaker 1: get out of hand because of the PTSD that he

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Speaker 1: suffered from. So during that time, she would always ask

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Speaker 1: us to learn Vietnamese. She would sit us down, tell us, okay,

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Speaker 1: notebooks out, we're gonna learn Vietnamese, gonna speak only Vietnamese

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Speaker 1: in the house. Because I don't want you to forget

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Speaker 1: your roots. I don't want you to forget where you

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Speaker 1: came from. So I was really diligent. I love language,

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Speaker 1: and I think she's the reason I love language. Whereas

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Speaker 1: you know, acentimes my brothers would get to go out

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Speaker 1: and play in the park and say, oh yeah, we'll

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Speaker 1: learn later. Mom, and she would say, okay, Lee, you stay,

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Speaker 1: and I would ask, well, why why did they get

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Speaker 1: to go off and play? But now I don't regret

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Speaker 1: that I stayed because I can speak, read, and write

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Speaker 1: in Vietnamese. And it was during that time that I

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Speaker 1: heard a lot of stories from her. She told me

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Speaker 1: all of these stories about herself in Vietnam, about the

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Speaker 1: time that she ran away from a matchmaker because she

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Speaker 1: did not want to get married um, and about how

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Speaker 1: she took on her family's business in Vietnam and was

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Speaker 1: a merchant and she would ride her motorcycle to all

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Speaker 1: these different shops and deliver goods and everyone loved her.

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Speaker 1: And it was just a really great time for me

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Speaker 1: to spend with my mother. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: she was also really strict in terms of teaching me

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Speaker 1: how to be a good at housewife, which was so

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Speaker 1: sort of antithetical to who she is on the inside.

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Speaker 1: But I think after marrying my father and seeing how

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Speaker 1: difficult it was to be a wife, and especially in

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Speaker 1: my father's household where yes five of older sisters who

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Speaker 1: were very abusive towards my mother because they felt like

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Speaker 1: she wasn't a good enough housewife, she didn't know how

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Speaker 1: to cook when she first married into the family, and

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Speaker 1: so they would keep her up at night. They would

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Speaker 1: throw hot water on her just to sort of show her, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you are now our servant, basically, and she didn't want

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Speaker 1: that sort of fate for me, so she said, Okay,

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Speaker 1: you need to learn how to cook, you need to

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Speaker 1: learn how to sweep, how to full clothing properly, and

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Speaker 1: you know, you need to learn all of these things

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Speaker 1: so that you can have a better future and not

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Speaker 1: like the future that I had. Buddhism is central to

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Speaker 1: the Tran household. One of the first things Lee's father

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Speaker 1: does when they settle into their new home and queens

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Speaker 1: is to build an altar high up on their living

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Speaker 1: room wall, one which will eventually cover the entire wall

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Speaker 1: from end to end, to honor the Buddha and the bodhisattvas.

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Speaker 1: There's a framed picture of the Great Shaki Yamuni Buddha,

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Speaker 1: the awakened One, as well as a picture of kwan

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Speaker 1: Ambo Tat, the Goddess of Compassion. Call out her name

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Speaker 1: three times when you need help, Lee's father tells her

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Speaker 1: she has a thousand arms. Her arms will reach you,

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Speaker 1: So I was struck with the significance of the altar

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Speaker 1: in your family's home, and the deities and the saints

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Speaker 1: and the role that they play in daily life, and

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Speaker 1: in the idea of protection and the idea of fulfillment

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Speaker 1: of hopes and desires, and how deeply that was internalized

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Speaker 1: in you as a child. Sure, yeah, I think it's

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Speaker 1: different for my father versus it's meaning for my mother.

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Speaker 1: But I know for my father when he was in

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Speaker 1: the re education camps or even just before that, serving

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Speaker 1: as a soldier in the war, and not knowing, you know,

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Speaker 1: if he was going to live one day or die

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Speaker 1: the next, having a faith to hold on too, and

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Speaker 1: just believing that there is someone, some Buddhisatta or Buddha

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Speaker 1: out there watching over him, which was so powerful. And

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Speaker 1: at some point in the re education camp he sees

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Speaker 1: that one of his fellow prisoners had had caught a

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Speaker 1: turtle in his trap, and coming from a Buddhist background,

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Speaker 1: he felt sorry for the turtle and couldn't bear to

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Speaker 1: see his his fellow prisoner kill it. And he said

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Speaker 1: he asked if he could trade scallions for the turtle,

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Speaker 1: and the prisoner said, short, you know, I don't know

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Speaker 1: what to do with this thing anyway, And my father

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Speaker 1: put a splint on the turtle's broken leg and set

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Speaker 1: it free. And this was a story that he would

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Speaker 1: tell us when we were younger. Say, when I released

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Speaker 1: this turtle, it took a few steps and turned around

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Speaker 1: to look at me, and then it nodded at me

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Speaker 1: three times, and three days later I was released from prison.

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Speaker 1: And just this story is something that has stuck with

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Speaker 1: me throughout my entire life. And it's such a a

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Speaker 1: symbol of the faith that my father had in Buddhism

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Speaker 1: and these spirits that protected him because he thought this

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Speaker 1: turtle was some sort of incarnation of the Goddess of

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Speaker 1: compassion and the turtle was sent to save him. You know,

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Speaker 1: in those conditions, I wouldn't blame a person to hold

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Speaker 1: on to something like that. And for my mother, you know,

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Speaker 1: when we were in Vietnam, actually all of us, at

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Speaker 1: one point or another, we would get severely ill, especially

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Speaker 1: coming from such a rural place in Vietnam where there

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Speaker 1: were shamans and witch doctors and not really medicine that

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Speaker 1: was too modern at the time, and so she would

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Speaker 1: often pray. But the power of prayer also gave her

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Speaker 1: the strength to take her children from place to place

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Speaker 1: and and just pray that, you know, some miracle would arrive.

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Speaker 1: And oftentimes a miracle did somehow arrive, and we all

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Speaker 1: endured through our illnesses and survived. Lee's father was one

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Speaker 1: of almost two and a half million South Vietnamese soldiers

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Speaker 1: who were captured and then forced into backbreaking and often

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Speaker 1: dangerous labor sweeping mine fields, digging wells and trains, cutting

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Speaker 1: down trees. He served a ten year sentence. He rarely

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Speaker 1: spoke of his time in the camps, with the exception

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Speaker 1: of the story of the turtle. Could you talk a

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Speaker 1: little bit more about your father's both his temper and

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Speaker 1: his strictness. It was difficult for me. I remember one

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Speaker 1: time I was going home from somewhere and I was

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Speaker 1: walking with my father, and he went into the store

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Speaker 1: and bought me a possible which was such a surprise

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Speaker 1: for me because at the time we were so poor

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Speaker 1: that asking for treats, asking for snacks, which most of

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Speaker 1: the time just out of the question, and the fact

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Speaker 1: that he just went to the store and bought me

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Speaker 1: a popsicle, I was so so happy and excited. No

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Speaker 1: skipping um and I looked up at my father. I

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Speaker 1: remember a moment of such deep love for this man

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Speaker 1: who gave me this popsicle, and he remember him looking

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Speaker 1: at me and considering me, and then just out of nowhere,

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Speaker 1: smacking me. He says, don't look at me like that.

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Speaker 1: And I was so shocked. I didn't I didn't know

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Speaker 1: what had happened. My possicle fell out of my hand.

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Speaker 1: And that moment was not a rare one. And it

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Speaker 1: wasn't just me, you know, my my three older brothers,

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Speaker 1: we also sort of suffered through these tempests of my father's. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was really it was tough. It was tough to

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Speaker 1: to navigate such a difficult relationship while at the same

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Speaker 1: time loving him and fear him. You know that it

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Speaker 1: was difficult to reconcile those two emotions. And there it

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Speaker 1: seems like there was also an understanding that he had

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Speaker 1: really been through something and that the ten years that

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Speaker 1: he spent as a pow were at the root cause

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Speaker 1: of his rage and his tyrannical behavior, That there was

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Speaker 1: a reason for this that was embedded into the family

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Speaker 1: culture as well. Yeah, I think this is something that

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Speaker 1: would be uncovered as time went on, you know, because

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Speaker 1: when I was a child, I didn't. I sort of

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Speaker 1: just accepted it. I accepted his outbursts. But as I

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Speaker 1: grew older, I began to question it. And I remember

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Speaker 1: an episode in which he was yelling at my mother,

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Speaker 1: and I thought, why, why is he doing that? At

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Speaker 1: the time, I was split between my loyalty towards my father,

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Speaker 1: my life. He towards my mother, and that's when I

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Speaker 1: started to think, that's not okay. You know, he can't

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Speaker 1: treat my mother that way. And out of that questioning,

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Speaker 1: I started to think about his past, which he he

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Speaker 1: doesn't really talk about much, you know, I would only

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Speaker 1: see it through snippets of conversation, or once in a while,

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Speaker 1: when he was in the mood, he would just offer

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Speaker 1: up like a glimpse of what his past was like.

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Speaker 1: Or other times, whenever he would beat us, my mother

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Speaker 1: would say, you know, stop that crying, don't be mad.

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Speaker 1: One day, you'll understand. Sometimes she would explain a little bit,

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Speaker 1: but nothing too in depth, perhaps because she didn't think

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Speaker 1: that we would be able to understand at such young ages.

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Speaker 1: But definitely when I got older, I wasn't quite able

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Speaker 1: to forgive him yet, but understanding where he was coming

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Speaker 1: from that he was this prisoner of war and that

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Speaker 1: re education camps really dealt a blow to his is

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Speaker 1: psyche and just traumatized him in such a horrendous way

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Speaker 1: that you know, he's still to this day has nightmares

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Speaker 1: about it. And those nightmares were a part of your

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Speaker 1: childhood hearing him, you know, having nightmares, right, yes, absolutely,

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Speaker 1: I would, you know, wake up in the middle of

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Speaker 1: the night, you know, this man is this screaming and

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Speaker 1: my mother is struggling to hold him down and to

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Speaker 1: wake him up. Sometimes you would walk in his sleep

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Speaker 1: and run from one corner of the house to the other,

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Speaker 1: telling her we have to go. You have to grab

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Speaker 1: the children there after us, and she's saying, what hoo

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Speaker 1: are you talking about? Calmed down? You know, and so yeah,

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Speaker 1: she she really had to be strong for us as

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Speaker 1: well in terms of getting him to calm down while

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Speaker 1: trying to shield us from what he was going through.

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Speaker 1: And that was that was hard. You know, as children,

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Speaker 1: we didn't we didn't let on that we knew what

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Speaker 1: was going on, probably because we were really just afraid

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Speaker 1: to see our father like this. But we knew that

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Speaker 1: come morning time everything would be okay again. We'll be

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Speaker 1: right back when we starts school. She has very little

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Speaker 1: grasp of the English language, unlike her brothers, who went

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Speaker 1: straight into the school system when they emigrated. She's been

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Speaker 1: home with her mother for a couple of years, speaking

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Speaker 1: Vietnamese and listening to her mother's stories. So Lee is

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Speaker 1: placed at first in English as a second language. She's

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Speaker 1: socially awkward, kind of doesn't know how to be. She

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Speaker 1: hasn't learned any social cues, so she's a bit of

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Speaker 1: a loner and academically challenged. But it isn't until the

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Speaker 1: third grade that a teacher notices that Lee is having

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Speaker 1: trouble seeing blackboard, and she sends Lee home with a

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Speaker 1: note to her parents letting them know that Lee needs eyeglasses. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: in the third grade, you know, they had like kids

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Speaker 1: line up to take the Snell and I chart, which

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Speaker 1: you know everyone knows is the one with the big

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Speaker 1: E on it. And I got a letter then to

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Speaker 1: him that said, hey, your daughter has a stigmatism and

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Speaker 1: she might need glasses. And my father just completely freaked out.

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Speaker 1: I had no idea what was happening. He took the note,

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Speaker 1: ripped it up, and told me never to speak of

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Speaker 1: it again. And he was cursing at me, and I

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00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:42,080
Speaker 1: didn't want to do the wrong thing. To me. It

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Speaker 1: was a homework assignment that I had to do, you know.

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Speaker 1: So I was like, oh, my goodness, but I need

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Speaker 1: to sign. I don't know what to do. So I

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00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:51,119
Speaker 1: tried again to ask him, and he smacked me, and

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Speaker 1: I was just so furious. He told me that the

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Speaker 1: government was after me and how could I be so

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Speaker 1: stupid as to give in to the government wanting to

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Speaker 1: take away my eye sight? Because he thought that eyeglasses

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00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,920
Speaker 1: were a government conspiracy and if I ever wore glasses,

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00:19:07,119 --> 00:19:10,959
Speaker 1: my sight would worsen, and it was just deployed by

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Speaker 1: the government to get me to be dependent on eyeglasses. Um,

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00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,320
Speaker 1: so the more my eyes I would worsen, I would

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00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:19,800
Speaker 1: have to buy more glasses. And he explained the whole

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00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,119
Speaker 1: thing and so and that was the end of the discussion,

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00:19:23,119 --> 00:19:26,080
Speaker 1: and I thought, Okay, I guess he has a point.

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Speaker 1: You know. I mean, I was eight, So you proceed

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Speaker 1: through elementary school and middle school and you need glasses

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Speaker 1: and you don't have them, And what's that like, Like,

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Speaker 1: what was your experience actually of the world around you

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Speaker 1: that you could see or that you couldn't see. What

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Speaker 1: was it actually like sort of being you during those years.

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Speaker 1: It's so funny because I don't even remember the moment

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Speaker 1: in which I realized that I needed glasses. It was

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Speaker 1: such a gradual process. Even during the snow and chart

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00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,520
Speaker 1: I thought, Oh, I can't see those letters, but they're

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Speaker 1: so far away. Why would I need to see those letters?

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Speaker 1: You know? I just remember, Yeah, around the fifth grade

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00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,720
Speaker 1: is when I'm walking in the street and I realized

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00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,920
Speaker 1: I can't even see the street signs anymore. And it

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00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:20,719
Speaker 1: felt like just my perception of the world was just

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00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,280
Speaker 1: getting narrower and narrower, and it felt like I was

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00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:28,159
Speaker 1: looking at the world to this foggy window. But no

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00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,240
Speaker 1: matter how much I tried to rub this window, it

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00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:36,959
Speaker 1: just wouldn't unfuged. And so it was hard. But I

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00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:41,360
Speaker 1: think my father was very successful in sort of convincing

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Speaker 1: me that, no, this is how everybody's eyes work, and

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Speaker 1: you know, you're it'll be fine. You also had an

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Speaker 1: older brother who had eyesight that wasn't excellent, and it

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00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,760
Speaker 1: had managed to excel academically even with his poor eyesight,

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Speaker 1: and even with no glasses, so you should be able

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00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,440
Speaker 1: to do the same thing, right exactly. Yeah, my brother

335
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,960
Speaker 1: Long I think he also had the same note sent

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00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,520
Speaker 1: home in the third grade. I don't know if he

337
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,199
Speaker 1: went through the same exact experience in terms of my

338
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:12,720
Speaker 1: father ripping up his note, but I don't even know

339
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,560
Speaker 1: if he even gave the note to my father. But

340
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,600
Speaker 1: he was able to do well in school because his

341
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:22,400
Speaker 1: prescription just wasn't as high as mine, and so even

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00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:23,960
Speaker 1: if he sat at the back of the class whom

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00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:27,000
Speaker 1: he was still able to see the board, whereas my

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00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:31,840
Speaker 1: vision just deteriorated as the years went on, and the

345
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,360
Speaker 1: more that I wasn't able to see, the more headaches

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00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:38,520
Speaker 1: I got and the more stressed I became. And so

347
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,000
Speaker 1: for my father it was so clear it was just, well,

348
00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,719
Speaker 1: you're a girl. That's why you're not doing well in school.

349
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,439
Speaker 1: That it was as easy as that. For him, it

350
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:53,880
Speaker 1: was just a simple matter of gender differences in terms

351
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,159
Speaker 1: of intelligence. He felt like, well, boys are just smarter

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00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,360
Speaker 1: than girls, and then that's why my brother was able

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00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 1: to do well. And he said, you know, it's okay,

354
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:04,880
Speaker 1: you don't have to do well if you you don't

355
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,399
Speaker 1: get it. I mean, he just chalked it up to

356
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,560
Speaker 1: a lack of intelligence as opposed to just seeing that

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00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:17,840
Speaker 1: his daughter needed glasses dearly. When Lee's in the eighth grade,

358
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,480
Speaker 1: she takes the standardized test that will determine where she'll

359
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,320
Speaker 1: go to high school. The best public high school in

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00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:26,520
Speaker 1: New York City is the Bronx High School of Science.

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00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,560
Speaker 1: This is one of those tests where you fill in

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00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,840
Speaker 1: little bubbles, but Lee runs out of time. Her inability

363
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,360
Speaker 1: to see has greatly affected her ability to master advanced math,

364
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:42,040
Speaker 1: so she quickly and randomly fills in the remaining bubbles

365
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:45,280
Speaker 1: just to be clear. This is a test that many

366
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:50,000
Speaker 1: more privileged students spend years preparing for with hired tutors

367
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:55,919
Speaker 1: and special courses, but perhaps the Goddess of Compassion is

368
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,000
Speaker 1: looking out for her. Lee is admitted to Bronx Science.

369
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,800
Speaker 1: At this point, her parents sweatshop labor has come to

370
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 1: an end, and Lee's mother takes a course to learn

371
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,920
Speaker 1: how to be a manicurist. She teaches Lee as well,

372
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:13,480
Speaker 1: the two of them practicing on orange peels and fake nails.

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00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,320
Speaker 1: Her mom works at a series of nail salons until

374
00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:19,439
Speaker 1: she ends up in Brownsville, Brooklyn, at a salon she

375
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 1: eventually buys. Lee's parents dream of being business owners in

376
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:29,480
Speaker 1: America comes true. So now Lee's in ninth grade, attending

377
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,840
Speaker 1: Bronx Science and working part time in her parents salon,

378
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,359
Speaker 1: where she often witnesses clients being rude berating her mother

379
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:41,720
Speaker 1: for her limited English. Lee swallows her anger and keeps

380
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,760
Speaker 1: her head down. At school, she keeps her head down

381
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,199
Speaker 1: for a different reason. She doesn't want anyone to notice

382
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:53,240
Speaker 1: how much she's struggling. It's a lot to endure. So

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00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:57,439
Speaker 1: now you're at Bronx High School Science, and you know,

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00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 1: one of the things that strikes me in your story, Lee,

385
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:05,520
Speaker 1: is the the appearance from time to time, at really

386
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:11,280
Speaker 1: important times of angels, you know, of of just people

387
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:14,440
Speaker 1: who I mean, it's the thing I found most moving

388
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:18,200
Speaker 1: really about your story is that there were these people,

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00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:24,399
Speaker 1: these adults who responded to you, who saw something in you,

390
00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:29,240
Speaker 1: who went above and beyond, and there was this kind

391
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:35,520
Speaker 1: of ongoing compassionate intervention even as there was so much

392
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,880
Speaker 1: else that was so incredibly difficult. And one of the

393
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,680
Speaker 1: first of those was this very kind professor when you're

394
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:46,560
Speaker 1: in ninth grade who offers to get you a pair

395
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:51,479
Speaker 1: of glasses. Yeah. Yeah, this is in the ninth grade,

396
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:54,840
Speaker 1: and I hadn't had the courage to really tell anybody

397
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:58,879
Speaker 1: yet that I was really suffering and couldn't see. I

398
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,840
Speaker 1: just kept asking to choose if I could sit in

399
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:04,080
Speaker 1: the front of the classroom. I did tell him that

400
00:25:04,119 --> 00:25:06,639
Speaker 1: I couldn't see, but that I was waiting for medicaid.

401
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,920
Speaker 1: You know, I was waiting to get a pair of glasses.

402
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,399
Speaker 1: And obviously that was alive because I knew that I

403
00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 1: could have gotten glasses at any point except that my

404
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:17,040
Speaker 1: parents would disown me. And you know, I told one

405
00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 1: student who had attended the middle school with me, and

406
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 1: he also got into Brock Science. And when he heard,

407
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: he was just so shocked and he said, this stuck's ridiculously.

408
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,520
Speaker 1: You need to tell somebody. And I said, no, no no, no, please,

409
00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:33,720
Speaker 1: don't tell anybody. I'm going to get in trouble. Thank goodness.

410
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:36,960
Speaker 1: He did not listen to me, and he told an

411
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:40,520
Speaker 1: eighth grade teacher. And this eighth grade teacher was actually

412
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,720
Speaker 1: not even a teacher of mine. He just headed the

413
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:45,080
Speaker 1: chess club, which I was a part of in the

414
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:48,400
Speaker 1: eighth grade. And so, you know, one day I get

415
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,200
Speaker 1: a message and email from Mr de Chanct. He's a teacher,

416
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,560
Speaker 1: and he says highly. I heard from Michael that you're

417
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 1: you're not doing so well, and I would really love

418
00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,760
Speaker 1: to help you out. And so we meet in my

419
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:05,360
Speaker 1: neighborhood in Ridgewood and he says, you know, I need

420
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,159
Speaker 1: you to be able to see. You really need to

421
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,800
Speaker 1: be able to see to do well in school, to

422
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,960
Speaker 1: have a good and bright future. And he says, this

423
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:15,400
Speaker 1: will be our little secret. Don't tell anybody, don't tell

424
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,440
Speaker 1: your parents, and and just keep these glasses in your

425
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,200
Speaker 1: locker at school. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing,

426
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 1: You know, as long as you don't tell anybody, you'll

427
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,320
Speaker 1: be able to see, and you'll be able to get

428
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 1: better grades. And it was just such an incredibly compassionate

429
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 1: and kind gesture. And also, you know, putting on glasses

430
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,200
Speaker 1: for the first time and being able to see and realizing, oh,

431
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:40,600
Speaker 1: my goodness, this is how I'm supposed to see the world.

432
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 1: Is this how everybody sees the world? You know? I

433
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 1: looked at a tree right outside of the glasses place

434
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,760
Speaker 1: and saw the veins on the leaves and it was

435
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:55,919
Speaker 1: so shocking. But at the same time, as much as

436
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 1: I wanted to be able to see as a guilt

437
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,840
Speaker 1: was so overwhelming too, because I thought, oh my god,

438
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: I betrayed my parents. They're gonna just only they're going

439
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 1: to find out somehow. Even if they don't find out,

440
00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:11,119
Speaker 1: I'm doing something wrong, I'm doing something that they don't

441
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:13,520
Speaker 1: want me to do. So I took off the glasses

442
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,679
Speaker 1: right away. You know, I tried to use the glasses

443
00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:20,800
Speaker 1: as little as possible during school, and before I knew it,

444
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,439
Speaker 1: I started not to be able to see again. You

445
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: know that the board started becoming blurry, and I just

446
00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,120
Speaker 1: didn't understand what was going on. I thought, oh, oh

447
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,600
Speaker 1: my god, wait, why is my vision plummeting again? And

448
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:37,720
Speaker 1: then I sort of recalled my father's words, saying that

449
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:41,879
Speaker 1: the government was after me and that glasses are designed

450
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 1: to keep you dependent on them, and second you put

451
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 1: them on, your eyesight was going to deteriorate. And that's

452
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: that's exactly what was happening to me. And so I

453
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,199
Speaker 1: confide it in a friend and she said, oh, yeah,

454
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 1: that's normal, that's just that's just your body growing and

455
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:02,320
Speaker 1: everybody's eyes change, especially those with my opia. She said,

456
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,679
Speaker 1: one year, I had to get my glasses changed three times.

457
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,199
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's all you need. You just need to

458
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,240
Speaker 1: get a different pair of glasses with a higher prescription.

459
00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,000
Speaker 1: S right exactly, yeah, you know. To her it was

460
00:28:15,119 --> 00:28:18,000
Speaker 1: a very simple matter. But to me, I thought, oh God, um,

461
00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,520
Speaker 1: should I reach out to mister chunk It. And then

462
00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,640
Speaker 1: again that sense of guilt, that sense of having let

463
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 1: somebody down. Not only did I let my parents down,

464
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,919
Speaker 1: but I let mister chunk It down, because all you

465
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: wanted was for me to do well in school. And

466
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,159
Speaker 1: now my vision was slummitting again, and my grades were

467
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,600
Speaker 1: also slummitting, and there it just seemed to be an

468
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:42,320
Speaker 1: endless cycle, and I thought, oh God, maybe I'm cursed,

469
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,920
Speaker 1: which is interesting. It sort of goes back to this

470
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 1: theme of mismaking or meaning making. You know, every time

471
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:51,240
Speaker 1: something good happens, I think, oh it's an angel. Every

472
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:54,960
Speaker 1: time something that happens, I think, oh, I'm just cursed.

473
00:28:55,480 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: Or Buddhism, there's this idea of reincarnation and if you

474
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,760
Speaker 1: had done something bad in a past life, then you

475
00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,680
Speaker 1: would be reincarnated in this life with a lot of trouble,

476
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 1: or you would have to suffer more in this life.

477
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,120
Speaker 1: And so I thought, oh God, I must have been

478
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 1: a horrible, horrible person in the past life. I never

479
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:17,760
Speaker 1: reached out to missitor Chunket again. I was so ashamed

480
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 1: of myself and little, my, little, my grades just I

481
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:24,840
Speaker 1: went from being an A student to just barely a

482
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: see student. Any number of stories we've told on this

483
00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 1: podcast have had to do with the failure of adults

484
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 1: to intervene when a child is at risk, whether parents

485
00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:41,840
Speaker 1: or teachers or heads of institutions. But then there are angels,

486
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:45,520
Speaker 1: adults who see what needs doing and by becoming involved,

487
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:50,640
Speaker 1: can change the trajectory of a life. Mrs Walsh, Lee's

488
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:53,880
Speaker 1: high school guidance counselor, is one of those grown ups.

489
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 1: At one point, she even calls child Services to intervene

490
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:02,400
Speaker 1: a situation Lee and immediately diffuses by downplaying the severity

491
00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: of her situation. She doesn't want anyone going after her parents.

492
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:11,880
Speaker 1: But throughout Mrs Walsh is an unwavering source of support

493
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 1: and make sure these teachers know why she's having a

494
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:20,280
Speaker 1: hard time in the classroom. So during this time, it's

495
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:24,520
Speaker 1: my senior year and I have to apply for colleges,

496
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,600
Speaker 1: and Mrs Walsh, she just went above and beyond. She

497
00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:31,640
Speaker 1: spoke to all of my teachers and told them what

498
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: I had been going through in. My teachers were really

499
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,120
Speaker 1: kind and understanding, and so they didn't give me such

500
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:42,600
Speaker 1: terrible grades. Are really generous with their grading, and she

501
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 1: wrote a really extensive letter of recommendation. She asked other

502
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 1: teachers to write letters of recommendation. And I think my

503
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 1: grades from my freshman year, when I sort of had

504
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 1: the glasses and when I was trying really really hard

505
00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: and I wasn't sort of bogged down with depression. I

506
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:03,440
Speaker 1: was able to get by freshman year, was able to

507
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 1: balance out my grades towards the end of my four years,

508
00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,960
Speaker 1: and that's how I was able to get into the

509
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:17,240
Speaker 1: mcaulay Honors College at Hunter. We'll be back in a

510
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 1: moment with more family secrets. Things finally seem to be

511
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:35,280
Speaker 1: going rightfully. She's been accepted in this big deal, prestigious

512
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:39,560
Speaker 1: honors college. She's regularly seeing a therapist, a silver lining

513
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:43,200
Speaker 1: from the incident with child services, and her brother offers

514
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:49,560
Speaker 1: her a life changing present. Before you begin the McCauley

515
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:54,760
Speaker 1: Honors program at Hunter, You're oldest brother, who had just

516
00:31:54,800 --> 00:32:00,600
Speaker 1: finished college himself, gives you a gift. Yes, it was

517
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:04,120
Speaker 1: a graduation gift. And I had asked my parents to

518
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:06,480
Speaker 1: go to my graduation and they said, oh, we can't

519
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,400
Speaker 1: miss work, which I understood at the time, and so

520
00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:14,640
Speaker 1: my oldest brother and my youngest older brother, Tin and

521
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,880
Speaker 1: Long they both agreed to go. And afterwards, my oldest

522
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,600
Speaker 1: brother said, hey, I want to take you somewhere. It's

523
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:25,600
Speaker 1: a surprise. And when he takes me to contact or

524
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 1: lends the shop that sells contacts and he buys me

525
00:32:28,400 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 1: a box of contact so that my parents would never

526
00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 1: be able to find out, it was a life changer.

527
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 1: You know, this is a way for me to see

528
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:42,400
Speaker 1: always and without my parents knowing that being helped in

529
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:45,880
Speaker 1: some way, or without my father thinking that the government

530
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:50,640
Speaker 1: was after me. So I start the Macaulay Honors College

531
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,360
Speaker 1: fully armed. You know, I was finally able to see

532
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 1: and it's a fresh start. I can leave the path behind.

533
00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 1: I'm seeing the psychiatrist and I just feel like the

534
00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:04,400
Speaker 1: tides are finally turning. Maybe I'm not cursed after all.

535
00:33:04,440 --> 00:33:07,240
Speaker 1: You know, this is I'm going to make it work.

536
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:10,680
Speaker 1: You're living away from your parents for the first time.

537
00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:13,040
Speaker 1: You have a full scholarship, you have a stipend, you

538
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 1: have a dorm room, you have a laptop. You're all set.

539
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:20,240
Speaker 1: Macaulay is one of these. This such an amazing program

540
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,960
Speaker 1: in that if you're accepted then it's a full ride

541
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:26,280
Speaker 1: and you get all of these perks. It really was

542
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:28,720
Speaker 1: a chance for me to start over and to see

543
00:33:28,760 --> 00:33:32,200
Speaker 1: the world too. At that point, I had never even

544
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:35,560
Speaker 1: been to a dinner. I'd never really been to restaurants

545
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,080
Speaker 1: because my my family was too poor, and even going

546
00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:41,800
Speaker 1: over to other people's houses was such a rare occurrence

547
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:45,160
Speaker 1: for me that now that I was living in a

548
00:33:45,200 --> 00:33:48,600
Speaker 1: dorm room and with other students and seeing like, oh,

549
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,240
Speaker 1: this is what life is supposed to be, like, this

550
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 1: is how other people live, and it was really such

551
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,400
Speaker 1: a great experience for me. It's such an eye opener

552
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,960
Speaker 1: and so speak no pun intended, you know. I was

553
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,320
Speaker 1: very ambitious. I took six courses my first semester, and

554
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:08,239
Speaker 1: more than anything else, I wanted to prove to myself

555
00:34:08,400 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 1: and to my parents that I did belong in such

556
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:15,480
Speaker 1: a prestigious program. My brother Long was also accepted two

557
00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,800
Speaker 1: years before, and he was doing very well, so I

558
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:20,560
Speaker 1: also wanted to prove to him, like, hey, your little

559
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,400
Speaker 1: sister can can make it here too. And so for

560
00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:25,839
Speaker 1: the first semester I had an a average I had

561
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:30,360
Speaker 1: a four point oh, which was incredible. I felt like, okay,

562
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:36,879
Speaker 1: I did it finally, but that all sort of backfired

563
00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:39,799
Speaker 1: on me somehow, And you know, the mind works in

564
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:44,400
Speaker 1: such such funny ways. And after receiving that a, that

565
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,920
Speaker 1: four point, now I thought, okay, I set this bar.

566
00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:52,040
Speaker 1: I cannot go below this are at any cost. So

567
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 1: for my second semester, again, six courses and all really

568
00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:02,480
Speaker 1: difficult somewhere, even senior level courses that I had applied to.

569
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,640
Speaker 1: At that point, I just thought I was really hard

570
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,920
Speaker 1: on myself. I was really ambitious, and I joined several

571
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:14,280
Speaker 1: different clubs, I had two different jobs. I just wanted

572
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 1: to prove it, proved to everyone that I could do it,

573
00:35:17,480 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 1: and I just shut down at some point, I think

574
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:25,920
Speaker 1: the first difficult assignment I had, or the first even

575
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:30,839
Speaker 1: a minus I received, I couldn't handle it, and so

576
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,480
Speaker 1: I stopped going to classes. I started getting nightmares about,

577
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:36,880
Speaker 1: you know, betraying my parents or like my my eyesight

578
00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: worsening or being blind. Even Lee starts buckling under the

579
00:35:42,920 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 1: pressure to do all the things she feels she has

580
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:50,840
Speaker 1: to be perfect, otherwise she's a complete failure. Faced with

581
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:57,120
Speaker 1: the impossibility of perfection, she finds herself falling apart. I

582
00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: would stop eating, I stopped waking up on time. I

583
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:04,880
Speaker 1: just stopped showing up to classes. During that time, you know,

584
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 1: friends started to get concerned. I told Dr Hayes, my

585
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:13,040
Speaker 1: psychiatrist at the time, I said, I think I'm not

586
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,680
Speaker 1: doing well, and he said, well, you know, it's okay,

587
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:17,319
Speaker 1: You're you're going to get through this. You've got a

588
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,120
Speaker 1: four point of from the first semester. We can just

589
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:22,800
Speaker 1: get you a medical withdrawal. It seems like you're really depressed,

590
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 1: and you've been depressed all this time. It's it's okay,

591
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:28,680
Speaker 1: you've got high functioning depressions, but you're going to get

592
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,279
Speaker 1: through this, and there are ways to get around the

593
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:35,520
Speaker 1: grade situation. When he spoke to me, I assumed that

594
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: he would just write me a medical note to get

595
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:40,799
Speaker 1: me excuse my classes, because that's sort of what he

596
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 1: told me. But that's not what happens. What happens next

597
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:50,879
Speaker 1: is something that Lee or anyone who newly could never

598
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,920
Speaker 1: have seemed coming. A few days later, I received a

599
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,719
Speaker 1: knock on my door in the dorms, and you know,

600
00:36:57,960 --> 00:37:01,600
Speaker 1: to security guards with the direct or of the dorms

601
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,759
Speaker 1: behind them, and they said, are you Lee Tran And

602
00:37:04,760 --> 00:37:06,920
Speaker 1: I said yes, and they said, we have reason to

603
00:37:06,960 --> 00:37:10,480
Speaker 1: believe that you're a danger to yourself, so grab all

604
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,680
Speaker 1: your things. Don't take too much because it will be

605
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:16,719
Speaker 1: confiscated anyway, but just grab essentials and we're going to

606
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 1: escort you to the Mount Sinai psyche Ward. And I

607
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:27,279
Speaker 1: was so shocked, totally taken off guard, but I just

608
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:31,880
Speaker 1: followed them. And I was in that psyche ward for

609
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:35,880
Speaker 1: about I think a week or two weeks and just

610
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:40,960
Speaker 1: feeling so incredibly alone. The doctors and the nurses and

611
00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:45,440
Speaker 1: therapists and they all kept asking me, are you suicidal?

612
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:48,640
Speaker 1: How are you feeling? And I don't know. I didn't

613
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:51,480
Speaker 1: understand why they were asking me that, because the thought

614
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 1: never really crossed my mind up until at point, up

615
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,800
Speaker 1: until they sort of kept asking me, weren't they also

616
00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:01,960
Speaker 1: telling you that they were trying to reach Dr Hazen,

617
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:05,640
Speaker 1: that they couldn't reach him. Yeah, that's exactly what happened.

618
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,600
Speaker 1: Even on the first day that I was there, they said, hey,

619
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:11,279
Speaker 1: we don't quite know why you're here, you know. I

620
00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:13,760
Speaker 1: told him I was very depressed and that I wasn't

621
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:15,960
Speaker 1: doing well in my classes, and they said, yeah, that's

622
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:19,359
Speaker 1: not okay, that's I guess that's a good reason. But

623
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:22,360
Speaker 1: we were going to have to talk to your psychiatrists.

624
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 1: But there's a problem. We can't really reach him. So

625
00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:28,359
Speaker 1: unless we're able to reach him, that's when we can

626
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:31,319
Speaker 1: provide a proper diagnosis and proper treatment plan and then

627
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,360
Speaker 1: send you on your way. And so day after day

628
00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:37,200
Speaker 1: they would come into my room and say, we can't

629
00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:39,839
Speaker 1: reach him. We can't we don't know where he is.

630
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:41,960
Speaker 1: So you're just going to have to be patient. And

631
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:44,560
Speaker 1: I think at that point I felt really abandoned. I

632
00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:47,959
Speaker 1: didn't understand what was going on, and I didn't feel

633
00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,000
Speaker 1: like there was anybody I could really reach out to.

634
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:54,760
Speaker 1: My friends all saw me getting escorted out of the dorms,

635
00:38:54,920 --> 00:39:00,640
Speaker 1: and that was such a humiliating experience. I couldn't tell

636
00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:02,560
Speaker 1: my parents. My parents didn't know where I was. I

637
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,680
Speaker 1: could tell my brothers, and at that point I had

638
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:10,160
Speaker 1: such little contact with my family that even if I

639
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:13,920
Speaker 1: had disappeared for two weeks, they didn't matter. They never

640
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:20,160
Speaker 1: found out. I can't underscore enough what a profound failure

641
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,880
Speaker 1: this was on the part of the psychiatrist Dr Hayes.

642
00:39:24,719 --> 00:39:28,800
Speaker 1: It turns out that doctor Hayes wasn't reachable because doctor

643
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:33,560
Speaker 1: Hayes had gone on vacation. He was very green as

644
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:37,719
Speaker 1: a psychiatrist. Lee was his first patient and he thought

645
00:39:37,760 --> 00:39:40,400
Speaker 1: that a good place to deposit her while he enjoyed

646
00:39:40,400 --> 00:39:44,080
Speaker 1: his time off would be involuntary committal to a psych word.

647
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:52,160
Speaker 1: I mean, that's really extraordinary betrayal. Yes, we had discussed

648
00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:54,759
Speaker 1: it in his office that he would find a way

649
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:57,759
Speaker 1: to get me this medical withdrawal, But I had no

650
00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:01,240
Speaker 1: idea that I would result in a two weeks stay

651
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:05,080
Speaker 1: at the psych board and to to not even have

652
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:07,640
Speaker 1: contact with him to figure out, Okay, what do I

653
00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:11,040
Speaker 1: do while I'm here? What do I tell the psychiatrists

654
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,680
Speaker 1: in charge? I just felt so alone. I felt like

655
00:40:13,719 --> 00:40:16,799
Speaker 1: he really did betray me. And then even after I

656
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:21,680
Speaker 1: was released, I made one more appointment to see him,

657
00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:26,480
Speaker 1: and you know, he acknowledged that maybe he shouldn't have

658
00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:28,239
Speaker 1: gone on vacation. He said I was allowed to be

659
00:40:28,280 --> 00:40:34,959
Speaker 1: mad at him. Um, yeah, I thought mad. I mean,

660
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,560
Speaker 1: is that even enough? Is that word even enough to

661
00:40:38,600 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 1: describe what I'm feeling right now? And I think maybe

662
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:47,000
Speaker 1: that's when you know, the wall that I had built

663
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,960
Speaker 1: up over the years to separate myself from my emotions,

664
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,120
Speaker 1: like the negative emotions mostly, but even the positive emotions.

665
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:59,000
Speaker 1: I think that's when that wall began to crumble, because

666
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 1: I felt so incredibly upset and I just never went

667
00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:07,920
Speaker 1: back to see him, and he never inquired after me

668
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:11,840
Speaker 1: after that either. You know, it's interesting what you're saying

669
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 1: to about feeling some of those more difficult feelings. And

670
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:20,040
Speaker 1: it strikes me that you grew up never being allowed

671
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,479
Speaker 1: to be angry, Like there was no room for being mad.

672
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 1: There's no room for being angry. That was all your

673
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:29,120
Speaker 1: father's territory. And as a girl, there was no room,

674
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,280
Speaker 1: you know. I remember every time I would get angry,

675
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,160
Speaker 1: my mother would say, look at yourself. Look at that face.

676
00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:38,120
Speaker 1: Is that is that your face? Is this angry face?

677
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 1: And you know, I couldn't even see my face at

678
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:43,239
Speaker 1: the time, but I didn't want to look in such

679
00:41:43,239 --> 00:41:46,280
Speaker 1: a way that wasn't me, and so I just would

680
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:50,920
Speaker 1: would fix my face very quickly. And yeah, anger is

681
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:55,280
Speaker 1: just something that I very seriously allowed myself to feel.

682
00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,400
Speaker 1: And if I did feel it, I didn't have a

683
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:00,800
Speaker 1: word for it. And during my sessions at Dr Hayes,

684
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 1: it was very clear that I was unable to put

685
00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 1: a name to what I was feeling oftentimes, and so

686
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:13,040
Speaker 1: you know, we had a lot of sessions in which

687
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,160
Speaker 1: there was complete silence because he would say, tell me

688
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:19,879
Speaker 1: about your feelings after I had told him everything which

689
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,720
Speaker 1: I thought were my feelings, but it was just facts.

690
00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:24,319
Speaker 1: I would just tell him facts about my life and

691
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,560
Speaker 1: he said, well, how do you feel about it? And

692
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:30,720
Speaker 1: I just my mind grew a blank. And I think

693
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:34,680
Speaker 1: now the word angry is certainly one of the words

694
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: that I would have attributed to what I was feeling

695
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:42,160
Speaker 1: during those sessions. And was it during that time that

696
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:47,520
Speaker 1: you went back home and ended up having an argument

697
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:53,320
Speaker 1: with your parents and actually did crossover into anger exasperation

698
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:57,160
Speaker 1: and you take out your contacts and show them and

699
00:42:57,680 --> 00:43:01,239
Speaker 1: there's a shift. Yeah. Well, at this point, you know,

700
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:04,520
Speaker 1: it's my second year at the Honors College, and I'm

701
00:43:04,600 --> 00:43:08,240
Speaker 1: just so depressed after this this episode in the psych word,

702
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:12,759
Speaker 1: I really just descend into a spiral of darkness that

703
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:16,080
Speaker 1: I was impossible for me to get out of. So,

704
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:20,640
Speaker 1: you know, my medical draw from the previous semester wasn't

705
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:23,720
Speaker 1: enough for me to to do well in my second

706
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:28,640
Speaker 1: year that hunter, and so part of the Honors program

707
00:43:28,719 --> 00:43:30,719
Speaker 1: is that you had to maintain a three point five

708
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:35,120
Speaker 1: g p A in order to stay. And I was

709
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:37,080
Speaker 1: not able to maintain a g p A, and so

710
00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,759
Speaker 1: I was dismissed from the Honors College and matriculated to

711
00:43:40,760 --> 00:43:45,879
Speaker 1: Hunter College. And I lost all of my privileges, all

712
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:49,080
Speaker 1: all those parks, the dorm room, the laptop, the tuition,

713
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:51,439
Speaker 1: I lost it all, and so I had to move

714
00:43:51,520 --> 00:43:55,520
Speaker 1: out of the dring. And this is when I realized

715
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:59,399
Speaker 1: that no matter how hard I try, I'm just I'm

716
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 1: not going to going to be able to escape my fate,

717
00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 1: which to me at the time was a fate of

718
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:10,240
Speaker 1: working in the nail salon with my mother. So I

719
00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:14,560
Speaker 1: take all of my belongings home, and my parents are

720
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:18,400
Speaker 1: there and they see my bags, and there's sort of

721
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:23,440
Speaker 1: this the sense of we told you so, you're a girl.

722
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,120
Speaker 1: The fact that you made it this far as already

723
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:29,480
Speaker 1: so shocking to us. My mother says, you know, when

724
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 1: your father first arrived to America, his greatest wish for

725
00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:37,160
Speaker 1: you all was to to get past high school. And

726
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:40,600
Speaker 1: that's it. And now you know your brothers are they're

727
00:44:40,640 --> 00:44:43,239
Speaker 1: going to be done with college, all of them soon.

728
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:46,440
Speaker 1: And the fact that you at least had one or

729
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:50,279
Speaker 1: two years of college, that's great, you know, but if

730
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:52,920
Speaker 1: you didn't do well, then that was to be expected

731
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:58,399
Speaker 1: because you're a girl. And I was livid just at

732
00:44:58,440 --> 00:45:02,200
Speaker 1: that point. I thought, you know, I've lost everything. I've

733
00:45:02,239 --> 00:45:05,200
Speaker 1: lost any kind of sense of dignity. I've I've lost

734
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:09,480
Speaker 1: all hope for a better future. And I thought, you

735
00:45:09,480 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 1: know what, I'm just gonna tell them. I'm just going

736
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:12,920
Speaker 1: to tell them I've been wearing contact all this time

737
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:16,000
Speaker 1: because I thought, you know what, I think part of it,

738
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:20,239
Speaker 1: I wanted to hurt them. Um, that's part of why

739
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:23,160
Speaker 1: I took out my contact. I wanted to show them like, look,

740
00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 1: I betrayed you, and I've been doing it all this time,

741
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:30,319
Speaker 1: and it's because you failed me. I really needed to

742
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:34,799
Speaker 1: see and you refused to understand that. And so here,

743
00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:37,200
Speaker 1: look at this. What do you make of this now?

744
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:42,680
Speaker 1: And I think doing that was a breakthrough in my

745
00:45:42,800 --> 00:45:46,879
Speaker 1: understanding of my father, especially because I expected for him

746
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:49,720
Speaker 1: to punish me, and maybe in a way I wanted

747
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,320
Speaker 1: him to punish me because I wanted to punish myself

748
00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,759
Speaker 1: for being such a failure. But and he did. He

749
00:45:55,800 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 1: smacked me once, but he kind of just looked afraid.

750
00:46:00,920 --> 00:46:04,480
Speaker 1: He looked like he was going to cry. I remember

751
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 1: thinking about that expression and thinking, what is that. Why

752
00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:11,160
Speaker 1: did he look like that. I could have sworn he

753
00:46:11,160 --> 00:46:13,840
Speaker 1: would beat me or just own me or something, but

754
00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:17,839
Speaker 1: he just sort of looked like a frail person who

755
00:46:17,920 --> 00:46:22,080
Speaker 1: was scared and paranoid. And the more that I really

756
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:27,400
Speaker 1: examined that expression, the more I realized, Oh, he really

757
00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:30,520
Speaker 1: did love me. And seeing the fact that I was

758
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:34,200
Speaker 1: relying on these contacts, even against his wishes, is when

759
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,800
Speaker 1: he realized that he had failed me as a father.

760
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:42,000
Speaker 1: And what was this failure Lie saw reflected in her

761
00:46:42,040 --> 00:46:48,080
Speaker 1: father's eyes. It was a terror of imperfection, of vulnerability

762
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:51,640
Speaker 1: in an unforgiving existence that allowed no room for it.

763
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:55,120
Speaker 1: If Lee has something wrong with her, if her eyes

764
00:46:55,239 --> 00:47:00,319
Speaker 1: don't work, then perhaps she'll be left behind. This is

765
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:03,759
Speaker 1: when the potent cocktail of love and fear can turn

766
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:09,840
Speaker 1: into desperation and secret keeping. When he realized, oh, my goodness,

767
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:14,520
Speaker 1: my child actually really does need glasses. She really can't

768
00:47:14,560 --> 00:47:18,719
Speaker 1: see like other people. That's when he realized, oh, my goodness,

769
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:22,960
Speaker 1: I failed to keep my child healthy. I don't know

770
00:47:23,280 --> 00:47:25,920
Speaker 1: even to this day, if he realizes sort of the

771
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:29,279
Speaker 1: damage that he like the extent to which she had

772
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:32,400
Speaker 1: damaged me by not allowing me to to wear glasses.

773
00:47:34,680 --> 00:47:39,480
Speaker 1: But then Lee's dad does something so surprising, so extraordinary,

774
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:42,960
Speaker 1: that no one could have seen it coming. Perhaps it's

775
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:46,520
Speaker 1: because time has gone by, Perhaps it's because she's on

776
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:51,080
Speaker 1: the road to academic and therefore future success. Perhaps this

777
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 1: is one of those nods of the turtle. He asks

778
00:47:54,719 --> 00:47:59,600
Speaker 1: Lee if she would like to have Lasik surgery. When

779
00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:03,360
Speaker 1: he saw an ad for la si surgery and he

780
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:07,200
Speaker 1: started to really develop a relationship with me. He starts

781
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:11,480
Speaker 1: to ask me about my contacts, and this is obviously

782
00:48:11,560 --> 00:48:14,480
Speaker 1: after I'm doing a little bit better in my life.

783
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:19,160
Speaker 1: But he says, do these contacts hurt you in any way?

784
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:23,600
Speaker 1: And I say, no, you know, I've been wearing them

785
00:48:23,600 --> 00:48:26,879
Speaker 1: all these years, if it's fine, And he's like, well,

786
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:31,360
Speaker 1: have you ever considered lap sick surgery? And I think

787
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 1: I was just so taken aback, like fly on Earth?

788
00:48:35,239 --> 00:48:37,560
Speaker 1: Would you even ask about Lasik surgery? Do you know

789
00:48:37,600 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 1: how expensive that is? He just was so excited about it,

790
00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 1: to the point where, you know, he he offered to

791
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:45,680
Speaker 1: pay for it. He said, your mother and I have

792
00:48:45,719 --> 00:48:47,759
Speaker 1: some money saves that we can pay for this, and

793
00:48:47,800 --> 00:48:50,799
Speaker 1: I think he just wanted to make things right. I

794
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:53,600
Speaker 1: think he wanted to be my father, to to fulfill

795
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:59,000
Speaker 1: that role as my father. Again, you're back in school, right,

796
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:02,719
Speaker 1: You're at Columbia at that point, and you're still an undergraduate.

797
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:07,480
Speaker 1: I'm still an undergraduate because after I had matriculated to

798
00:49:07,600 --> 00:49:10,239
Speaker 1: Hunter College, there was a time when I just was

799
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:15,799
Speaker 1: so depressed that I dropped out of college altogether. And yeah,

800
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:19,200
Speaker 1: I spent two years just wandering the streets because I

801
00:49:19,239 --> 00:49:21,240
Speaker 1: didn't want to tell my parents that I had dropped

802
00:49:21,280 --> 00:49:24,759
Speaker 1: out of college altogether. I feared their viewpoints that was

803
00:49:24,800 --> 00:49:28,839
Speaker 1: expected for a girl to not do well. And then

804
00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:33,239
Speaker 1: another angel, another mentor, goes above and beyond. Lee runs

805
00:49:33,280 --> 00:49:35,560
Speaker 1: into a woman she knew in high school, a legal

806
00:49:35,600 --> 00:49:39,760
Speaker 1: advocate who she hasn't seen in years. This woman pushes

807
00:49:39,880 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 1: and probes, and Lee reluctantly ends up telling her everything

808
00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:48,320
Speaker 1: that has happened. And she told me to apply to

809
00:49:48,360 --> 00:49:50,840
Speaker 1: all of these different colleges, one of which happened to

810
00:49:50,880 --> 00:49:54,480
Speaker 1: be the School of General Studies at Columbia University. And

811
00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:56,560
Speaker 1: I laughed and said, there's no way that I can

812
00:49:56,600 --> 00:49:58,839
Speaker 1: make it there, but sure, I'll apply, I'll humor you,

813
00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:04,319
Speaker 1: and yes, somehow I was accepted to Columbia. And when

814
00:50:04,320 --> 00:50:08,760
Speaker 1: I was accepted, the admissions officer who interviewed me told

815
00:50:08,800 --> 00:50:11,440
Speaker 1: me that it was on the strength of my essay,

816
00:50:11,680 --> 00:50:16,040
Speaker 1: my personal statement, that I was accepted. And that's when

817
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:19,440
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, my gosh, my my story. I guess

818
00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:28,480
Speaker 1: was worth telling. Prayer, supplication, blessing, bargaining. As a child,

819
00:50:29,080 --> 00:50:32,920
Speaker 1: while Lee knelt before an ever expanding altar and recited

820
00:50:32,960 --> 00:50:37,120
Speaker 1: Buddhist scripture she knew by heart, the air thick with incense,

821
00:50:38,080 --> 00:50:42,279
Speaker 1: another practice began taking root, a practice all her own.

822
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:47,680
Speaker 1: She constructed a crystal dome of protection in her mind's eye,

823
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:51,600
Speaker 1: one that would keep her and everyone she loved safe

824
00:50:51,719 --> 00:50:56,400
Speaker 1: from harm. You know, it occurs to me that you

825
00:50:56,520 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 1: write about your crystal dome of protection, that as a

826
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:06,000
Speaker 1: child you would have trouble falling asleep or be afraid

827
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:12,160
Speaker 1: of the dark, and create very meticulously this crystal dome

828
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:17,680
Speaker 1: of protection over yourself, and then over every single you know,

829
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: one of you and your family, and then even then

830
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:24,520
Speaker 1: over the monsters that you were afraid we're lurking in

831
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:27,400
Speaker 1: corners because you felt sorry for them because they needed

832
00:51:27,440 --> 00:51:32,000
Speaker 1: protection too. I was just really struck by that and

833
00:51:32,800 --> 00:51:36,160
Speaker 1: that being you know, almost like a child's form of

834
00:51:36,800 --> 00:51:42,720
Speaker 1: a kind of prayer or looking for protection or causality. Yeah,

835
00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:45,520
Speaker 1: and it's funny because I do that choose this day.

836
00:51:46,400 --> 00:51:50,200
Speaker 1: So it's something that hasn't left me, you know. And

837
00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:54,520
Speaker 1: when someone in my family or a good friend of

838
00:51:54,560 --> 00:51:57,200
Speaker 1: mine goes away in a trip, I was just quickly

839
00:51:57,480 --> 00:51:59,680
Speaker 1: create a dome around them so that they can arrive

840
00:51:59,719 --> 00:52:04,160
Speaker 1: through the destination safely. I think it it comes from

841
00:52:04,239 --> 00:52:07,920
Speaker 1: my wish for us to be protected and all the

842
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:12,280
Speaker 1: stories that my parents told me, and a feeling of powerlessness.

843
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:15,000
Speaker 1: And for me it was it was one way in

844
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:18,640
Speaker 1: which I could feel like I was in control of

845
00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:21,240
Speaker 1: my situation, which at the time, you know as a child,

846
00:52:21,400 --> 00:52:26,400
Speaker 1: there are all these events happening around you, your destitute.

847
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:30,200
Speaker 1: You know your parents are struggling, and even though you

848
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:33,480
Speaker 1: can't quite grasp what those struggles are because you don't

849
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:37,279
Speaker 1: yet have the language or just wherewithal to understand, you

850
00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,840
Speaker 1: feel it on a deep level. And I think for

851
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,280
Speaker 1: me that came out during these sleepless nights. I felt

852
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:47,120
Speaker 1: that helplessness, and so I would just create these crystal

853
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:50,280
Speaker 1: domes in the hopes that we could all be protected,

854
00:52:51,800 --> 00:53:03,520
Speaker 1: including the monsters. Family Secret is a production of I

855
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:08,680
Speaker 1: Heart Media. Dylan Fagin and Bethan Macaluso are the executive producers.

856
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Speaker 1: Andrew Howard is our audio editor. If you have a

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Speaker 1: secret you'd like to share, leave us a voicemail and

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Speaker 1: your story could appear on an upcoming bonus episode. Our

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Speaker 1: number is one eight Secret zero. That's secret and then

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Speaker 1: the number zero. You can also find us on Instagram

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Speaker 1: at Danny Writer, Facebook at facebook dot com, slash Family

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Speaker 1: Secrets Pod, and Twitter at fami Secret Spot. And if

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Speaker 1: you want to know about my family's secret that inspired

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Speaker 1: this podcast, check out my New York Times best selling

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Speaker 1: memoir Inheritance. For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit

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Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you

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Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.