Speaker 1: I'm having Barbie Adler on today. She is a dating
Speaker 1: expert who specializes in high net worth individuals. These are
Speaker 1: the pickiest individuals. These are people that are actually paying
Speaker 1: customers to meet someone. So the reason I wanted to
Speaker 1: have her on to talk here is because I am
Speaker 1: launching a dating series. We are going to talk about
Speaker 1: dating every which way but Sunday, from money to sex,
Speaker 1: to commitment to divorce, to mistakes to dating apps, to
Speaker 1: meeting through friends, to matchmaking, to sleeping with people on
Speaker 1: the first or the one hundredth date. We're going to
Speaker 1: get into all of it to launch this series officially
Speaker 1: because I've been dabbling in dating and I'm seeing that
Speaker 1: you guys are devouring this. I went from death to
Speaker 1: divorce to now dating, and as my own personal journey
Speaker 1: has evolved into a place where I am ready to
Speaker 1: start talking about dating, I want to take you with me.
Speaker 1: I want to take you with me, not on dates,
Speaker 1: not revealing personal information, but on the dating dynamics. And
Speaker 1: if you can't afford an expensive matchmaker, which you probably can't,
Speaker 1: I want to give you all the information for free.
Speaker 1: I want you to know what you've got right, what
Speaker 1: you've got wrong, the mistakes you're making. I want you
Speaker 1: to have game or decide that you are happy being alone,
Speaker 1: because no matter what, I have always had game.
Speaker 2: I have game.
Speaker 1: The likes of someone in their twenties, thirties, forties, okay,
Speaker 1: whether divorced, whether in your fifties, whether middle age, whether
Speaker 1: you feel bad about yourself, whether you have five kids
Speaker 1: or zero kids, there is something for you if you
Speaker 1: want it. So we're going to go into this in depth.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to start this series officially with a
Speaker 1: dating expert named Barbie Adler from Selective Search. She has
Speaker 1: a great reputation. She charges hundreds of thousands of dollars
Speaker 1: to find people love and she's been very successful at it.
Speaker 1: And hopefully if you like this, we'll have many dating
Speaker 1: experts on. We're going to get into many different dynamics
Speaker 1: and topics and you are going to learn so much,
Speaker 1: and we are going to get into dating like no
Speaker 1: one else is getting into dating. There will be no
Speaker 1: other show like this because we are going to dive
Speaker 1: so deep into this topic that I have institutional knowledge
Speaker 1: on just the same way that I have institutional knowledge
Speaker 1: on divorce and all of my mistakes and successes I
Speaker 1: am going to share with you so you'll be better
Speaker 1: in your own dating life. Welcome to just be dating.
Speaker 1: So this is Barbie. She is what I would call
Speaker 1: if I was saying it to a girlfriend, a high
Speaker 1: end matchmaker. She can clarify or correct once I get
Speaker 1: through this, But like ultimately I would say, if you
Speaker 1: had to say a blanket statement would be like a
Speaker 1: probably a high net worth matchmaker and an elite matchmaker.
Speaker 1: And they're a handful of Barbie's in the country, not many.
Speaker 1: It's a very specific and selective craft that.
Speaker 2: Is honed in on and Barbie.
Speaker 1: I'm anxious to get your advice and expertise and say
Speaker 1: that I'm about to enter into the dating space, like
Speaker 1: I'm I'm dipping my toe in and maybe we'll discuss
Speaker 1: me after everybody else, but I may. I think I'm
Speaker 1: ready to enter into the dating space. So maybe you'll
Speaker 1: give me some advice or give me a prescription about that.
Speaker 3: I would love that, and I'm so happy for you.
Speaker 3: I think it's one of those times in life that
Speaker 3: you just have to silence all the noise and really
Speaker 3: take stock in your past relationship, what worked, what didn't work,
Speaker 3: and what you really feel like this time around you
Speaker 3: really need There's no right answer, but the biggest thing
Speaker 3: is making sure that you're doing it for yourself and
Speaker 3: not trying to please others because that's a louse louse scenario.
Speaker 4: So okay, but.
Speaker 3: I'm happy for you. You're entering your dating era and
Speaker 3: that is I hope you're excited.
Speaker 1: Well, I'll get into me after, but I first want
Speaker 1: to get into So your company is called Selective Search,
Speaker 1: and you have a good reputation. I know that I've
Speaker 1: heard that, and the way that I see what you
Speaker 1: do before we get into so most people, if you're
Speaker 1: at a certain age, you remember the days of you
Speaker 1: went out to a bar, you went out to a
Speaker 1: nightclub and you met people that way. Or the matchmaking
Speaker 1: is just some people dabble in being matchmakers. Some people
Speaker 1: in their community set people up with other people. You know,
Speaker 1: most people can't afford a matchmaker, so they want to
Speaker 1: put themselves out there and tell other people that they're single.
Speaker 1: And I guess the first question jumping into my mind
Speaker 1: is sometimes there's a nuance to it being desperate to
Speaker 1: telling people you want to meet someone, because you say,
Speaker 1: as a woman of a certain age, you want to
Speaker 1: meet someone, and then summer rulers are as, oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's really hard, and then that's sort of a little degrading,
Speaker 1: makes the woman crawl on their shell and feel a
Speaker 1: little bit like, you know, the spinster. So what do
Speaker 1: you think about that? How is someone supposed to approach
Speaker 1: they want to date? I'm not talking about twenty five
Speaker 1: year olds. I think like I'm talking about women, moms
Speaker 1: divorce is like, what's a woman supposed to do? She
Speaker 1: wants to date, she has kids, and she's feeling a
Speaker 1: little awkward about it.
Speaker 3: I mean, this is one of the reasons why I
Speaker 3: started Selective Search twenty five years ago, was really to
Speaker 3: revolutionize the way people meet each other because you, I
Speaker 3: believe that you need to be unapologetic about having high
Speaker 3: standards and if you have created a great life for yourself,
Speaker 3: why is your personal life any different? So just how
Speaker 3: you're outsourcing personal trainer, finance, all the things that we
Speaker 3: do to outsource, knowing that it's smart idea to surround
Speaker 3: yourself with the best in class expert why isn't your
Speaker 3: personal life any different? To think that you're just going
Speaker 3: to meet this person by chance. That's not doing yourself
Speaker 3: any favorite because right when you're younger, of course, you
Speaker 3: can meet friends of friends, and it's easier your social
Speaker 3: network is when you get older. Sometimes you don't want
Speaker 3: to you already know every in your social circles, or
Speaker 3: you feel like your friends are not fixing you up,
Speaker 3: which happens way too often. I think people need to
Speaker 3: be better matchmakers to each other and help in that regard.
Speaker 3: But the reason why we exist is to help people
Speaker 3: like yourself who have put together an amazing life for
Speaker 3: themselves and are looking additive for a partner, not a passenger.
Speaker 4: And that is really the power is.
Speaker 3: It's not about I think more women have to understand,
Speaker 3: it's not about waiting to be selected or chosen. It's
Speaker 3: really powerful when you realize you're in the driver's seat
Speaker 3: of your life.
Speaker 4: You're the main act.
Speaker 3: You know, the character in your life is not just
Speaker 3: about like the plot, it's do it for. What's a
Speaker 3: healthy relationship, What's the one that's going to go the distance?
Speaker 1: What you're talking about is very mez, and the average
Speaker 1: person listening cannot afford aramez. You charge into the hundreds
Speaker 1: of thousands of dollars annually to introduce people so, but
Speaker 1: if someone knows the quality of an air Mez bag,
Speaker 1: then they certainly could help someone know the quality of
Speaker 1: a bag at a street fair because the leather it's about.
Speaker 1: And my opinion is so, I pay a lot of
Speaker 1: money for PR every month, but I could be a
Speaker 1: publicist and I could tell somebody else how to do
Speaker 1: their own PR. With all due respect to my publicists,
Speaker 1: I don't have the time to do it. I could
Speaker 1: do it. I could be a marketing expert and I
Speaker 1: could teach someone how to do that. So the average
Speaker 1: person doesn't have the money to have a matchmaker. If
Speaker 1: they do, I strongly suggest it because what she's saying,
Speaker 1: she treats it like an executive search where you're going
Speaker 1: to cut through the bullshit, you're going to know exactly
Speaker 1: what you want. And a lot of women rush and
Speaker 1: matchmakers are very like it's a very slow and low
Speaker 1: cooking process, and people it could teach the average person
Speaker 1: how to operate because you go on these apps and
Speaker 1: you just want to fill the void. And I've gotten
Speaker 1: into so many relationships by meeting someone not sticking to
Speaker 1: the things that I intended to stick to. Getting into
Speaker 1: the car, the car has the wrong sign. It seems
Speaker 1: good because either I'm lonely or I feel bad about myself.
Speaker 1: Then you're locked into a multi year relationship and you
Speaker 1: wasted time and maybe some of your good years. So
Speaker 1: the way that I see it, I've been bad at choosing.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying I've had some good relationships. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying I've maybe been bad at choosing for the long
Speaker 1: haul in my life, or maybe choosing people that I
Speaker 1: don't end up wanting to stay in relationships with. But
Speaker 1: I have been It's not even lucky. I have had
Speaker 1: game at every age. And I see young women that
Speaker 1: are gorgeous that are saying they can't meet men and
Speaker 1: there are no good men, and I think that they're
Speaker 1: focusing on the wrong things. I think that women put
Speaker 1: too much emphasis on their physical appearance, and that only
Speaker 1: goes so far. I think that men want someone who
Speaker 1: is I call it a fully put together. They don't
Speaker 1: want to an ikey addresser. They have to put together,
Speaker 1: and women walk in without bringing something to the table,
Speaker 1: and any cases, they just have their hands out and
Speaker 1: think they just want to meet a rich guy who's
Speaker 1: going to take care of them. And what a women
Speaker 1: have to bring to the table. What are men finding attractive?
Speaker 3: I think men find what attractive is someone that is happy.
Speaker 4: Hearts.
Speaker 3: They could sniff out ill motives, they could sniff out
Speaker 3: broken hearts on healed hearts into sadness, and if you're
Speaker 3: just going to trade on looks as a currency to
Speaker 3: your point, it's not going to get you far. So
Speaker 3: I think the most attractive thing to a man is
Speaker 3: someone that's authentically happy and is leading an interesting life.
Speaker 3: And it doesn't have to be a fancy life. It's
Speaker 3: just someone that's doing cool things that they're passionate about,
Speaker 3: whether it's a charity or their work, or their their
Speaker 3: family oriented. It's just basically leading the whatever makes you
Speaker 3: happy and feeling like the happiness is from within and
Speaker 3: that you're interesting and fun. It's like it's like you
Speaker 3: want to stay curious, you want to be always fresh
Speaker 3: and happy and like not just trading just on your looks.
Speaker 1: That's interesting that you say that, because in the article
Speaker 1: I read about you, I think it was CNBC, you
Speaker 1: basically said you don't want to start dating until you're
Speaker 1: someone that you would want to date, which is kind
Speaker 1: of what you're saying.
Speaker 2: You're saying that don't. I'll be honest.
Speaker 1: When I first had my recent breakup, I wanted to
Speaker 1: know that I still had game. I was like rushing it,
Speaker 1: like in my mind because I was nervous. I was
Speaker 1: six years older, and I know that I always have
Speaker 1: had an incredible game, but I was nervous. And once
Speaker 1: I found out that it was possible, I made a
Speaker 1: choice to be single for a while, meaning alone, not
Speaker 1: just single like screwing around. I didn't want to get
Speaker 1: into any cars. I didn't want to sleep with anyone.
Speaker 1: I wanted to say, I'm I can be an alone
Speaker 1: person and then make a true choice, not out of fear.
Speaker 1: So that because making as choice out of fear is
Speaker 1: being unhappy. And so now that I feel happy and
Speaker 1: settled and confident, now I feel like I could bring
Speaker 1: something to the table.
Speaker 2: Because to your point, men can smell like blood in
Speaker 2: the water.
Speaker 1: Desperation, or like you're freaked out or you just want it,
Speaker 1: or you want someone to make you feel better.
Speaker 3: I think you first, the most important relationship is with yourself,
Speaker 3: and that happiness only could come from you. It's you're
Speaker 3: not filled by another person. You have to feel fulfilled
Speaker 3: by yourself. So if you feel And of course it's
Speaker 3: very normal to want to see if you still have
Speaker 3: it and to be liked and to have that validation.
Speaker 3: But the biggest thing is who cares what else thinks?
Speaker 3: It's what you think of yourself. And to really get
Speaker 3: that silence and that clarity of okay, am I the
Speaker 3: version I want to be to attract the person I
Speaker 3: want to meet? And what makes me happy without a
Speaker 3: man or without a partner, whoever that is, And what
Speaker 3: do I need to do to be happy?
Speaker 4: Because it's not going to be solved by a person.
Speaker 3: But when you feel like you've done that work, you
Speaker 3: want to make sure you're asking yourself okay, And it's
Speaker 3: really about saying, Okay, what do I need to do?
Speaker 3: I'm projecting myself the right way. It could be everything
Speaker 3: from self care, both mental health, physical health, as well
Speaker 3: as am I so wounded and hurt that I'm busying
Speaker 3: myself with work or I'm doing other things where I'm
Speaker 3: not even allowing myself because I don't want to feel
Speaker 3: that pain again.
Speaker 4: So I really think it's important to.
Speaker 3: Really figure out what worked so you could repeat that
Speaker 3: pattern that worked and then also break unhealthy patterns.
Speaker 1: You're saying like you did a recipe, but you just
Speaker 1: did one thing. It was too salty, but everything else
Speaker 1: seemed to be good.
Speaker 4: Right, you got to tweak it.
Speaker 2: That's great.
Speaker 4: You have to.
Speaker 3: You need to if you think about in life, we
Speaker 3: have strategic plans to get ahead professionally. Nobody teaches how
Speaker 3: to pick the right person. So if your picker's broken,
Speaker 3: no one's telling you how to heal a broken heart,
Speaker 3: how to pick the right person. When you're younger, it's
Speaker 3: based on like attraction and you're just having that chemistry,
Speaker 3: but no one's teaching you the foundations of what really
Speaker 3: matters is is he kind? Is he supportive of what's
Speaker 3: important to you? Does he show up when you need
Speaker 3: him to? Does he allow you to be yourself when
Speaker 3: you need independence. It's more about understanding like who you are,
Speaker 3: what you need, what you don't need, and then making
Speaker 3: sure that you're clear and you're not negotiables and not
Speaker 3: compromising because like you said, when you get back into that.
Speaker 1: Car, no totally, I'm thinking of the scene and something's
Speaker 1: got to give. Where Jack Nichelson goes back to the
Speaker 1: relationships to see everything he's done wrong because this is
Speaker 1: too important now and here's what I will say to
Speaker 1: women of a certain age that I can say with
Speaker 1: great certainty, the age really doesn't matter because there is
Speaker 1: a seat for every ass and people are at different stages.
Speaker 1: The fifty nine year old successful man, really, for the
Speaker 1: most part, if he's anyone you would want to date,
Speaker 1: doesn't want a thirty two year old. It's going to
Speaker 1: be ridiculous with all. I mean, it's okay to have
Speaker 1: an age difference, and there are exceptions. I'm saying, by
Speaker 1: and large, women have these stereotypes that they just think, oh,
Speaker 1: they're not gonna want me, And I think that negative
Speaker 1: energy is bad. But I do think the stakes get
Speaker 1: higher at this age because you definitely don't have as
Speaker 1: much time.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's a fact.
Speaker 1: So now you have to be serious and you have
Speaker 1: to go take stock of everything you've done before and
Speaker 1: not just hate all men, and really look at yourself
Speaker 1: and think about what you've done wrong and not wrong,
Speaker 1: or what you've chosen, how you've chosen poorly. And literally
Speaker 1: recently there's been a man who's very in me and
Speaker 1: he really likes me, and he's like love bombing me.
Speaker 1: But I already made the decision that he wasn't going
Speaker 1: to be right for me. And what I've done in
Speaker 1: the past and gotten into serious relationships as a result
Speaker 1: is get into a weak point and end up going
Speaker 1: for someone because of how much they like me.
Speaker 2: That's my pattern.
Speaker 1: And then you get on a road, maybe the sex
Speaker 1: is good, maybe something happens, you convince yourself in a
Speaker 1: weak moment that that's what you need, and then you're
Speaker 1: on the wrong road and you're wasting time not finding
Speaker 1: what you really want. So you have to be able
Speaker 1: to be a little insecure and be secure on your
Speaker 1: own and don't settle for that reason because you're going
Speaker 1: to be getting in the wrong car. And that's why
Speaker 1: you can't rush it. Yes, like if Barbie, if I
Speaker 1: call you today, you're not going to have a guy
Speaker 1: in your office who's there for me.
Speaker 2: You're gonna have to go look for it.
Speaker 3: I think it's such an important message for women to
Speaker 3: understand that it's okay to want someone, but they first
Speaker 3: have to make sure that they're listening to themselves, of
Speaker 3: taking a temperature read historically of what worked and what
Speaker 3: didn't work, and how now what they're really looking for
Speaker 3: is that a healthy love?
Speaker 4: I think that's the problem is when.
Speaker 3: You look at your parents, whoever raise you, is that's
Speaker 3: kind of your role models for love. And some of
Speaker 3: us are blessed that have good role models for love,
Speaker 3: and other people aren't so lucky. So they might pick
Speaker 3: a partner what mirrors the modeling that they had and
Speaker 3: so if they feel safe and comfortable with it, but
Speaker 3: it could be an unhealthy type of love. So you
Speaker 3: have to realize, like unrite the rules of like what
Speaker 3: you saw and what you might have seen an abusive
Speaker 3: partnership or people that didn't honor what they needed. But
Speaker 3: you feel safe in that environment because you've seen that,
Speaker 3: But you have to really realize that it's now up
Speaker 3: to you to decide what's the healthy relationship, what that
Speaker 3: looks like to you.
Speaker 1: That's the generational trauma that people have to break the chain.
Speaker 1: But by the way, it goes the other way too.
Speaker 1: I've entered into relationships I call it the pendulum. So
Speaker 1: you have a relationship that's one way and it didn't
Speaker 1: work for you. So let's say that, like I had
Speaker 1: a very not Let's say I had a horrendous divorce
Speaker 1: and it made me feel a certain way, and I
Speaker 1: believe that I wanted to run into the softest landing.
Speaker 1: While that's amazing, it's more of a reaction than like
Speaker 1: you can't recalibrate yourself back to being center and what
Speaker 1: you wanted to begin with. Like, just because you're with
Speaker 1: someone who's controlling and physically abused you or is toxic,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that you have to then go be with
Speaker 1: somebody that is not who you would have wanted to
Speaker 1: begin with. You're just sort of so traumatized that you're
Speaker 1: like a dog that came out of a cage and
Speaker 1: you're just shivering and you just need a blanket.
Speaker 3: And that's where you really need to be healing your
Speaker 3: own self and not being in a relationship, because then,
Speaker 3: like you said, you're swinging in the opposite direction and
Speaker 3: the recipe still isn't right, because now you're not getting
Speaker 3: what you need, and if you're you're either making excuses
Speaker 3: in your head like at least you're not lonely, or
Speaker 3: at least with somebody, or this guy loves you and
Speaker 3: likes you, is into you, but if you're not into him,
Speaker 3: it's going to fade, and then you're just wasting your time.
Speaker 1: So what I do think is fascinating is that so
Speaker 1: many women. I want someone tall, I want someone brown hair,
Speaker 1: I want someone who lives here, does that. But what
Speaker 1: they don't discuss enough is two things, nuance and energy.
Speaker 1: And what I mean by nuance is like someone it's
Speaker 1: the same thing. You're trying to put a square into
Speaker 1: a round hole. Like someone's like, oh, yeah, well I
Speaker 1: belong to a sailing club, or you know, I love phishing,
Speaker 1: and in your mind, because you're a little needy, you're
Speaker 1: gonna like now mold yourself into someone who's gonna like
Speaker 1: pretend you like fishing or that you would fit in
Speaker 1: at a waspy sailing club.
Speaker 2: And that's kind of nuance.
Speaker 1: The person could be six foot, went to Columbia, is rich,
Speaker 1: but like they're into sailing, and you're just like, that's
Speaker 1: not going to be you. Or someone's super like stoic,
Speaker 1: old money, stoic, and like you're kind of a little
Speaker 1: wild and like energetically, that might not vibe. So I
Speaker 1: want to talk about those, not the tiles, but the
Speaker 1: calk in between, not the big ticket items, but the
Speaker 1: things that are like energetically and being truthful about how
Speaker 1: you live every day and how that other person lives
Speaker 1: every day.
Speaker 3: I think if you think about the big things, that's
Speaker 3: like the rocks and then the sand is what is
Speaker 3: in between everything right, And so obviously the biggest thing
Speaker 3: is for people to really understand that the foundation of
Speaker 3: building a healthy, loving relationship is the things that matter.
Speaker 4: Is he respectful? Is he kind? Is he commitment minded?
Speaker 3: To see the integrity that makes you that goes the
Speaker 3: distance to kind of be playing long term not short term.
Speaker 3: Of course, you want someone that you find it attractive,
Speaker 3: that you want to like take your clothes off and
Speaker 3: feel sexy around, and you feel that that person's sexy,
Speaker 3: but you have to realize to your point that you
Speaker 3: can't bend like a pretzel and make excuses in your
Speaker 3: mind like, oh, it's okay that he likes to fish.
Speaker 3: Because if you have that big of a clash of
Speaker 3: lifestyle choices preferences, it's going to catch up to you
Speaker 3: and it's not going to be compatible. So in addition
Speaker 3: to having your like non negotiables on what you're attracted
Speaker 3: to or what's important to you, I do think it
Speaker 3: is important to look into to energy and the nuances
Speaker 3: of like lifestyle and things that you're gonna be most
Speaker 3: compatible with as well as if someone's telling you they
Speaker 3: want to have more kids and you don't want to
Speaker 3: have kids. You have to pay attention to what people
Speaker 3: are telling you and not make excuses like oh I.
Speaker 1: Could yeah turn that person good, Yes, Barbie, that's s's
Speaker 1: like danger.
Speaker 4: Listen to people when they finally reveal who they are.
Speaker 3: Those are like things can be warning science and you
Speaker 3: have to play attention to like the yellow flags and
Speaker 3: the red flags and not lie to yourself.
Speaker 2: No, you're right.
Speaker 1: And it's funny because sometimes I'll see an older men
Speaker 1: on apps. They'll be a little nerdier about what they're
Speaker 1: telling you, like what do you like to read and
Speaker 1: what do you like to eat? And you're thinking, like
Speaker 1: what a weirdo, But like actually they just don't want
Speaker 1: to waste time. They want to know like are you
Speaker 1: interested in sports? And like are you into because that
Speaker 1: stuff is like the bridge between life and lifestyle, Like
Speaker 1: breakfast life coach always says, you can't you can make
Speaker 1: a lifestyle out of a life. You can't make a
Speaker 1: life out of a lifestyle. What he means is if
Speaker 1: the kindness you're discussing and who is the person actually
Speaker 1: what are their core tenets. If they have that, then
Speaker 1: the lifestyle does matter though, like what they want to do.
Speaker 1: Do they want to ski? Do they want to you
Speaker 1: know if you have I've seen people look interesting and
Speaker 1: have young kids, because when something looks shiny in the window,
Speaker 1: it looks good with the new car smell. But once
Speaker 1: you get into it, it's like, I don't want to
Speaker 1: be with a two year old running around. It's not
Speaker 1: it doesn't make me a bad person. I don't want that.
Speaker 4: Oh, it's just he's not for you.
Speaker 3: And you have to create those boundaries because no one's
Speaker 3: going to do that for you, and society is going
Speaker 3: to push you around and judge.
Speaker 4: And that's why you have to live for yourself and make.
Speaker 3: Your own decisions, because you have to live for yourself,
Speaker 3: not pleasing anybody else and not And it's okay to
Speaker 3: say no to the guy that is really into you
Speaker 3: if you know that he's not your guy. Like you
Speaker 3: have to silence everything and ask yourself, okay, gut check,
Speaker 3: is this guy for me long term?
Speaker 1: Even if he's amazing and handsome and rich and whatever. Yes,
Speaker 1: because you because another person said to me, another like
Speaker 1: famous person said, and she was in a relationship with
Speaker 1: a major guy. Okay, major guy, but she was with
Speaker 1: his family and she was like, I don't see myself
Speaker 1: with these people. Like she's like, this is not these
Speaker 1: are not my people. Now didn't mean they were terrible people.
Speaker 1: It was like they were not her people, and like,
Speaker 1: those are the things that happen that you try to
Speaker 1: stuff down. Then when you guys aren't having sex as much,
Speaker 1: and it's five years from now on a Thanksgiving, you're
Speaker 1: miserable and depressed, and you wonder why, because if that
Speaker 1: person spends a lot of time with those people, that's
Speaker 1: going to be your life. Like, I think what you're
Speaker 1: saying is being in a relationship is a self less
Speaker 1: act in ways, but dating is a selfish act in ways.
Speaker 1: You're like, this is what I want and I have
Speaker 1: to not compromise. When you get with someone, you have
Speaker 1: to you have to let yourself open up a little
Speaker 1: correct first.
Speaker 3: You have to clarity and declare your non negotiables and
Speaker 3: declare what you want. But when you're in a relationship,
Speaker 3: I really believe it's like being co CEOs in the
Speaker 3: relationship and making sure that you have healthy communication styles.
Speaker 3: I always say anything that's not watered decays, whether that's relationship,
Speaker 3: romantic relationship or work environment relationship, anything like that. You
Speaker 3: have to water your relationship. And the second you stop
Speaker 3: communicating about how are we doing? Am I giving you
Speaker 3: what you need? Do you feel supported? Do you feel loved?
Speaker 3: What can I do better on it? It really matters
Speaker 3: because people will stop saying it because they feel they're
Speaker 3: not being heard and understood or they're going to be
Speaker 3: made fun of. And it's like, but if I'm we're
Speaker 3: really intimate into really healthy union and I'm telling you, hey,
Speaker 3: I need you to respect me on this, or I
Speaker 3: need more of this from you, or I need less
Speaker 3: of this, and that person really acts on it, it's
Speaker 3: going to be such a yummy, healthy relationship because you
Speaker 3: could geek out on being the best couple together and
Speaker 3: working on it.
Speaker 2: That's an amazing point.
Speaker 1: Because people do feel uncomfortable and awkward and dorky talking
Speaker 1: about sex and talking about like I said, like guys
Speaker 1: will be like, hey, what do you like to do
Speaker 1: on the weekends? And it's like a little weird because
Speaker 1: you're used to just relying on chemistry and that's not mature.
Speaker 1: So we're at a different age now where you have
Speaker 1: to be mature and you're saying to the point earlier
Speaker 1: to what was in the article, you have to be
Speaker 1: a full person that's ready to enter into.
Speaker 2: It's like business.
Speaker 1: You can't be ready to get into it to be
Speaker 1: an entrepreneur if you don't know how difficult it's going
Speaker 1: to be and what it's going to take. So if
Speaker 1: you're going to enter into a relationship, you have to
Speaker 1: be willing to allow yourself to be loved. Something that
Speaker 1: I've struggled with in something that I've been doing the
Speaker 1: work and talking to therapists and opening up stuff from
Speaker 1: my past traumas and be, like you said, a little,
Speaker 1: you have to geek out on it a little because
Speaker 1: you both.
Speaker 2: Have to want that when you meet.
Speaker 3: Someone that has the communications style it similar to yours
Speaker 3: and is okay doing that? And I think that sometimes well, well,
Speaker 3: you also have to factor in is when you meet
Speaker 3: someone you have that chemistry, you know, I'm all for
Speaker 3: if you're for you know, exploring the chemistry early on,
Speaker 3: as long as it doesn't shut off communication skills, because
Speaker 3: sometimes people will sleep with someone and then they stop
Speaker 3: voicing what they need and that should just be the
Speaker 3: beginning of it, because you have to keep acting on
Speaker 3: what you need in the relationship ongoing. It's not just
Speaker 3: enough that there's chemistry. It's not just enough that you're
Speaker 3: on the same Lime Lifestyle page. It has to be ongoing,
Speaker 3: allowing two people to evolve and be individuals and grow
Speaker 3: together and also allow people to give them what they
Speaker 3: need and feel that supported.
Speaker 2: Well, right.
Speaker 1: I heard someone say that, like, first it's chemistry, and
Speaker 1: then it's sort of like intention, like do we want
Speaker 1: to do this? But then it's ultimately. Then it's ultimately
Speaker 1: commitment like are the two people going to commit? And
Speaker 1: then compatibility like I think we underestimate compatibility a lot.
Speaker 3: And then it's communications and it's ongoing. It never stops.
Speaker 3: But I do think that when people that have been
Speaker 3: previously married and look, I mean, life is tough. I
Speaker 3: meant the stories I hear about people that never wanted
Speaker 3: to get divorced or never thought they'd be talking to
Speaker 3: me because they had an amazing marriage and ended.
Speaker 4: Too soon us their widowed.
Speaker 3: It's more about figuring out okay, like now that the
Speaker 3: hand that you were given, it's now, what are you
Speaker 3: going to do about it? To make sure that you
Speaker 3: can get back to a healed place and a happy heart.
Speaker 3: And you shouldn't meet people and go out before you
Speaker 3: feel ready to, because then you're gonna be in front
Speaker 3: of people with a sad heart, or treat it like
Speaker 3: you're your therapist, or like talk negative about people, and
Speaker 3: that's where people smell the desperrac or smell seeing your opportunity.
Speaker 2: They're not going back at with you.
Speaker 4: You waste your opportunity.
Speaker 1: It's a job interview, it's an executive search, and if
Speaker 1: you go in there and you're a disaster, they're not
Speaker 1: gonna want to meet you later.
Speaker 3: Right, So don't you don't want to like spray all
Speaker 3: over your pool of prospects if you're not ready for it.
Speaker 3: And know the difference when you are what you're sharing
Speaker 3: with a girlfriend privately, Know the difference what you're sharing
Speaker 3: with a therapist privately, and when you're actually on a date,
Speaker 3: which is like a job interview. You want to be
Speaker 3: authentic self. But if you're over sharing and you're talking
Speaker 3: about people in your life that you dislike or any
Speaker 3: negative rampage, you're going to be shooting yourself out of
Speaker 3: This guy's gonna say she's not healed, or she's so angry,
Speaker 3: or look how she treats Look how she treats weight staff.
Speaker 4: You could really read an unhappy heart.
Speaker 3: So I when my women I deal with are despite
Speaker 3: maybe the ship storms of things that have happened in
Speaker 3: someone's life, show up happy and loving and playful. I
Speaker 3: always say that's your secret sauce, like lead with that,
Speaker 3: because that's going to be so refreshing that you are
Speaker 3: a full person and that you've been through all of
Speaker 3: this and you it's sunshine in your life.
Speaker 4: Like that is.
Speaker 2: You're not saying like not deep. You're just saying the light.
Speaker 2: You have the light.
Speaker 1: You know when someone has the light, and you're attracted
Speaker 1: to the energy and the light. And if you don't
Speaker 1: feel that way about yourself, wait to put yourself out
Speaker 1: there right.
Speaker 4: I'm not saying fake it and be fake and like
Speaker 4: Pollyanna about it.
Speaker 3: I'm saying, if you are in a bad place, it
Speaker 3: could be that something just happened to.
Speaker 4: You that day.
Speaker 3: Then if you can't switch gears and show up your
Speaker 3: authentic self with it with a happy heart exactly on
Speaker 3: the date, if you should exactly business, you should not
Speaker 3: be dating. If you're not feeling good about yourself because
Speaker 3: it's not going to translate. It's not going to get
Speaker 3: you to the second date. It's going to be a
Speaker 3: one date situation.
Speaker 1: To walk back to, walk back to after, walk back
Speaker 1: to the after