Speaker 1: Wake that ass up in the morning.
Speaker 2: Breakfast Club Morning, Everybody is the j Envy, Jess Hilarious, Charlamagne,
Speaker 2: the Gud We are the Breakfast Club Laurna Rosa filling
Speaker 2: in for Jess. And we got some special guests joining
Speaker 2: us today. Indeed, season two of their podcasts on the
Speaker 2: Black Effect, Good Mom, Bad Choices Podcast we have Erica
Speaker 2: Dickerson and Jamila Matp.
Speaker 1: Welcome, ladies, Thank you.
Speaker 3: How y'all feeling great but feeling really good? Yeah?
Speaker 4: I love the name of y'all podcasts, Good Mom's Bad Choices.
Speaker 5: What does that mean? Uh?
Speaker 6: You know, I think society has deemed women and moms
Speaker 6: in a certain light, and historically we're not really allowed
Speaker 6: to make bad choices. But really bad choices are relative,
Speaker 6: you know, like smoking a blund is a good choice
Speaker 6: for me, but for other people that.
Speaker 3: Might be a bad choice, you know.
Speaker 6: So I think it really kind of just flips the
Speaker 6: narrative around what bad choices actually are and allows moms
Speaker 6: in particular to give themselves grace and prioritize whatever the
Speaker 6: fuck it is that they want to. Probably it's funny though,
Speaker 6: because a lot of people really hated that name.
Speaker 3: All of our friends told us that was a bad idea.
Speaker 3: That was a bad idea.
Speaker 7: I don't know, because I think bad choices and good
Speaker 7: moms don't go together, and you assume that that means
Speaker 7: something terrible. But I mean, I'm sure we've all made
Speaker 7: some choices that some other person told you were bad,
Speaker 7: but they were actually fun or good or exciting. And
Speaker 7: sometimes you got to make your own choice. And I think,
Speaker 7: you know, people put moms in a box. You can
Speaker 7: only behave a certain way, you can only dress a
Speaker 7: certain ways, like you give birth and suddenly you're fucking
Speaker 7: Martha Stewart or something.
Speaker 3: But the truth is.
Speaker 7: Is you had a baby because you had sex, So
Speaker 7: you know, there's just like the humanness of it.
Speaker 5: That's what I thought it was. I thought you saying
Speaker 5: the bad choice is the baby daddy.
Speaker 7: No, okay, that's relative. That wasn't why we made the name.
Speaker 7: But did we make some choices that could have been better? Yes,
Speaker 7: But you learn from those choices and then you find
Speaker 7: a second baby daddy that.
Speaker 1: I'm still looking for a baby daddy.
Speaker 3: First of all, husband is true? Start there? Yeah, well man, wait,
Speaker 3: you don't know.
Speaker 4: Start somewhere, you find a man, you don't know what
Speaker 4: she wants, right, No, I don't.
Speaker 3: Know how to keep him exactly. I don't mind him.
Speaker 3: What was that going?
Speaker 8: You may even, oh you said second baby. Sometimes people
Speaker 8: find a second baby daddy. I don't know you guys personally,
Speaker 8: and I'm new to watching and listening to your podcast,
Speaker 8: So forgive me, or are you guys on the journey
Speaker 8: of finding the second baby daddy?
Speaker 3: Are you still with the first baby daddy? Like we're
Speaker 3: y'all ing on jury? One is engaged? Okay, I just
Speaker 3: got engaged last week. Okay, so I.
Speaker 7: Have found my second babe, my husband.
Speaker 3: Yeah, thank you, Jeff. And I think that's another thing.
Speaker 7: It's like women, there's like the stigma that you have
Speaker 7: to say with your baby daddy or you're you're deemed
Speaker 7: unworthy or unmarriable after your single mom, and it's just
Speaker 7: not true.
Speaker 3: It's not real.
Speaker 7: And like sometimes you gotta you gotta do better the
Speaker 7: second time, and sometimes you gotta leave the first one
Speaker 7: for your happiness and for your peace.
Speaker 3: And that's okay.
Speaker 5: Can you walk us through the end aagement? How long?
Speaker 4: How long were you dating the guy and all of
Speaker 4: that type of stuff. I want to make Laura feel
Speaker 4: bad about not having a little bit Jesus made me feel.
Speaker 3: Let me tell you something, this is a hopeful story.
Speaker 3: Get back on you. Let's focus on you.
Speaker 8: So tell us about the engagement and how it happened.
Speaker 8: Because I saw that trending last week on I think
Speaker 8: it was Twitter. There was a girl that was like,
Speaker 8: and for all the guys that keep saying, just because
Speaker 8: you have a kid, nobody's gonna want you my stepdaddy
Speaker 8: DMS is lined up.
Speaker 7: Maybe And you know that was a big fear of ours.
Speaker 7: I think that was how we like kind of formed
Speaker 7: our podcast too. It's like, as black women, it's so
Speaker 7: like the stereotype of being a single black mom is
Speaker 7: it's crazy, you know, like and nobody, no woman wants that,
Speaker 7: to be a single mom, but particularly for black women,
Speaker 7: there's this heavy burden of like, oh my god.
Speaker 3: And the truth is is like you learn, you get
Speaker 3: better when you're a mother, You take you get dating
Speaker 3: gets taken more. Seriously.
Speaker 7: I don't have time to play, I don't have time
Speaker 7: for bs. You know, I know what I need and
Speaker 7: what I want. So yeah, I met my man four
Speaker 7: years ago. We dated for three years. He's from New York.
Speaker 7: I imported him to La because La men are not
Speaker 7: so great.
Speaker 3: But yeah, we did.
Speaker 7: We dated for three years, we lived together for two
Speaker 7: and you know we've been engaged two weeks, so you know,
Speaker 7: we did a little.
Speaker 3: I did the adult thing.
Speaker 5: Congratulations, man, congratulation.
Speaker 3: Just hope, lady, you keep looking at me because you're
Speaker 3: in mat what everybody I contactould nba me? What about you?
Speaker 6: I have a partner, and so you know, we're still
Speaker 6: we're not anywhere near where she's at. But it's been
Speaker 6: a journey, you know, as a single mom. I think that,
Speaker 6: like you said, there's a lot of shame. I remember
Speaker 6: when I first when I when I me and my
Speaker 6: child's father broke up. I remember I joined Tender and
Speaker 6: I always tell our listeners like new moms that are
Speaker 6: trying to get out there, I'm like, dating apps is
Speaker 6: the ship when you first like become single.
Speaker 3: Like for me, I really needed the.
Speaker 6: Confidence boost because I felt so disconnected from my sexuality.
Speaker 6: I felt so disconnected from just my value in so
Speaker 6: many ways, and unfortunately, not fortunate, unfortunately, unfortunately I really did.
Speaker 3: I needed that confidence, but it was to be like,
Speaker 3: oh that's wipe right, Okay, Okay.
Speaker 6: But I think that for me in this in this period,
Speaker 6: in this time, and in my journey of being a
Speaker 6: single mom, I've learned through the people that I've dated,
Speaker 6: which you know, things haven't worked out, but I've evolved
Speaker 6: so much and been able to I think manifest this
Speaker 6: person that I'm with now who accepts me holistically. Because
Speaker 6: one thing that we were told and we've been told
Speaker 6: a lot because of our show and the content of
Speaker 6: our show, we talk about sex very candidly. We talk
Speaker 6: about our dating experience is very candidly. We talk about
Speaker 6: our bad choices very candidly. And you're not going to
Speaker 6: find a man like that. No man's going to marry
Speaker 6: that you were You like your titties.
Speaker 3: Out like you weren't.
Speaker 6: You don't like shirts like we literally, you don't like shirts.
Speaker 6: She doesn't like shirts, you know, and her titty makes
Speaker 6: an appearance. I was like, you can't make an appearance today. Okay,
Speaker 6: the right to be likes to make an appearance. And
Speaker 6: but there's a lot of there's a lot of narrative
Speaker 6: around just being too confident in your body and to you, yeah,
Speaker 6: being to you, you have to compartmentalize yourself to be
Speaker 6: a wife, to be a high valued woman, which is
Speaker 6: a conversation that I feel like it's always been part
Speaker 6: and it's been on the internet for a long time,
Speaker 6: But now women are pushing this narrative of being high
Speaker 6: valued women, and I feel like that's very dangerous and
Speaker 6: very violent against women, specifically when it's pushed by women,
Speaker 6: and so.
Speaker 3: The goddess is to their job.
Speaker 6: So I just feel like we're in a time now
Speaker 6: where women are realizing that their value is not linked
Speaker 6: necessarily to how they dress. Their value isn't linked to
Speaker 6: how they talk. It's linked to how deeply they've met themselves.
Speaker 6: And you know, through this process, I've been able to
Speaker 6: meet myself. And I mean we always talk about this.
Speaker 6: We're continuously in works of progress, like I ain't healed,
Speaker 6: Like I'm very vocal about like where I'm at, and
Speaker 6: even with the women that we work with at our retreats,
Speaker 6: because we now we know we do international retreats with women.
Speaker 6: We've brought hundreds of women of the country to do
Speaker 6: the work that we do, and it's really about that
Speaker 6: is meeting yourself, empowering yourself, finding your tribe. Me and Mila,
Speaker 6: we weren't friends when we started our podcast, Like I
Speaker 6: saw her on the internet. I judged her because her
Speaker 6: titties were out and we were both pregnant at the
Speaker 6: same time, and I had subscribed to this narrative of
Speaker 6: what motherhood was supposed to be, like like I couldn't
Speaker 6: smoke weed anymore, even though like my baby daddy was
Speaker 6: a rapper, Like I was going to be put together
Speaker 6: and I wasn't gonna those parts of myself had to die.
Speaker 6: And I saw her and she triggered the fuck out
Speaker 6: of me. I was like, Wow, she can show up
Speaker 6: as herself just as she is. Thankfully my hating didn't deter.
Speaker 3: Me from I'm going to say, what was the first interaction. No, Well,
Speaker 3: my friend kept posting her and I was like, who
Speaker 3: is this girl? You keep posting?
Speaker 6: Like none of my friends had kids, and so I
Speaker 6: was desperate. I was like, you know what, I need
Speaker 6: to meet her. She seems like she's cool, and so,
Speaker 6: you know, my friend was like, we're going to a
Speaker 6: bar tonight. You want to come and meet her, and
Speaker 6: which is like so out of I would never just
Speaker 6: go and try to Like now I would, but at
Speaker 6: that time I would never go out of my way
Speaker 6: to go meet a stranger friend at a bar.
Speaker 3: But I was desperate.
Speaker 6: I literally pumped in the car because I was my
Speaker 6: daughter was three months old, and went in to find
Speaker 6: Jamila because I knew only had like ninety minutes before
Speaker 6: my mama started calling me and judging me for being
Speaker 6: out too early after giving birth, and cornered her and.
Speaker 3: Was like, hey, I heard that you have a kid.
Speaker 6: My friend posted you on the internet and she was
Speaker 6: like yeah, and she had also saw me on the internet,
Speaker 6: made preconceived notions about me, my lifestyle and what I do.
Speaker 6: And thankfully we pushed past that. We push past the judgment,
Speaker 6: which I think a lot of times women we have
Speaker 6: a hard time doing that. We judge each other so
Speaker 6: much and we hold each other back. And so the
Speaker 6: work that we do on the podcast, at the retreats
Speaker 6: in our book is really about bringing women together and
Speaker 6: understanding that we are so much stronger together.
Speaker 4: And yeah, you said a lot of shit, just not edited.
Speaker 4: I want to talk about that.
Speaker 3: Let's do it.
Speaker 4: I never heard somebody refer to dating apps and said
Speaker 4: that it gave them confidence.
Speaker 5: Could he found on that a little bit?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 6: I mean I was, I felt so unattractive in my relationship.
Speaker 6: I felt so undesirable in my relationship. I was I
Speaker 6: was desperate for validation, and my partner was like, that's
Speaker 6: not my job.
Speaker 3: And granted, maybe that's not his job.
Speaker 6: Holistic, but I felt like, Nick, I just pushed out
Speaker 6: your baby, I'm feeling I need some help here. And
Speaker 6: so when we broke up, I was really nervous to
Speaker 6: get on a dating app a because like I was like,
Speaker 6: oh my god, what if someone sees me on there?
Speaker 3: What if he sees me on there?
Speaker 6: But then it became kind of you know, dating app
Speaker 6: is kind of like they'd gamified it, so you know,
Speaker 6: you're swiping and like people are like wanting to match
Speaker 6: with you. So I'm like, it's giving you confidence. Whether
Speaker 6: it's a false sense of confidence, it's the beginning, it's
Speaker 6: the path towards really believing it. And so for me,
Speaker 6: dating apps really led me into really feeling like, Okay,
Speaker 6: I am desirable. Oh I do deserve pleasure. Oh I
Speaker 6: do deserve to be taken out. And so I think
Speaker 6: a lot of women they don't know where to start.
Speaker 6: And I'm not necessarily saying that's for everyone's path to start,
Speaker 6: but for me. That was really healing for me, and
Speaker 6: in the path of this dating app is really I
Speaker 6: think we always say like two moms walked in a
Speaker 6: bar and met each other, but really the story began
Speaker 6: when I went on this dating app and I ended
Speaker 6: up swiping on what I thought was a woman because
Speaker 6: I was going both ways, and then I swiped and
Speaker 6: it was she was pictured with her husband, and I
Speaker 6: was like, why is this man in this picture? And
Speaker 6: I kept swiping it was like and then I read
Speaker 6: and was like, We're a couple looking to spoil someone special,
Speaker 6: and I was like, huh, okay, well, this is something
Speaker 6: I always kind of wanted to explore with my cheating
Speaker 6: baby daddy but couldn't trust him, so maybe now is
Speaker 6: the time, And so I did. And even in that
Speaker 6: exploration with this couple, I felt excitement, but I also
Speaker 6: felt shame because I'm a mom. So I was like
Speaker 6: going and having threesomes with this married couple and then
Speaker 6: going home and tucking my daughter into bed and being like,
Speaker 6: what life am I living?
Speaker 3: Is this? Okay?
Speaker 6: Like I feel really good, I feel like like I
Speaker 6: feel confident, I feel excited about what's happening, But am
Speaker 6: I a good mom because of this. And so when
Speaker 6: I shared this story with Jamila and this was like
Speaker 6: maybe our second interaction, it really opened up the door
Speaker 6: for her to feel comfortable sharing with me. And I
Speaker 6: know it sounds silly like a three Soome brought you together,
Speaker 6: but yeah, actually.
Speaker 8: In conversation or no, no, no, no, no, I.
Speaker 3: Was just when she said, I'm like, whoa hold on?
Speaker 3: Where do we just go back?
Speaker 5: The dating ap thing?
Speaker 4: That's it seems like it's the new school way of
Speaker 4: like putting on a nice dress, getting your head done
Speaker 4: and going out to the club back and when your
Speaker 4: man pissing you off, you go out to the club
Speaker 4: just to get But.
Speaker 2: You said your man didn't give you something to the
Speaker 2: dating app. So you all was still together.
Speaker 1: You weren't together, We weren't together. Oh, but you still
Speaker 1: wanted him to give you that because you had just
Speaker 1: had his baby.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean I had gained a lot of weight
Speaker 6: and pregnancy, and so I just didn't recognize myself.
Speaker 3: I really needed my partner to empower me in the
Speaker 3: end of the relationship before it ended. And yeah, no, no,
Speaker 3: I wasn't on dating apps a while I was with him. Now, Clary, I.
Speaker 2: Always want to you know when you have situations like that,
Speaker 2: and I'm sure you talk about it on the podcast, right,
Speaker 2: but when your child gets to like fifteen sixteen and
Speaker 2: they start clicking, is that a conversation you have beforehand?
Speaker 1: He'd like, I'm go'na let them find out on their own.
Speaker 3: My dad, you need to warn your child.
Speaker 7: So in two thousand and let me tell in twenty
Speaker 7: twenty your mama had three.
Speaker 3: So I'm just letting you know in case you read
Speaker 3: about that twenty three, because you know.
Speaker 2: What this day and age, they'll pull it right up,
Speaker 2: like we know your mama, We know your mama did
Speaker 2: this eate like before where it was off on the internet,
Speaker 2: like I don't know, nothing going on with my mom
Speaker 2: and my grandmama, like you just don't know.
Speaker 1: I think it's a decent age our kids will know.
Speaker 7: But I think that's been not that everybody. Are your
Speaker 7: kids need to know your whole sex catalog? However, I
Speaker 7: think it's detrimental, Like there is a there is a
Speaker 7: misconception that parents, fathers included, are these perfect superhero people,
Speaker 7: and to our kids, we are. But I think most
Speaker 7: importantly when our kids get of age and start exploring
Speaker 7: our catalog. First of all, I hope you have a
Speaker 7: lot of time, babe. There are three hundred episodes. But
Speaker 7: I want my daughter to remember, like, my mom is
Speaker 7: exactly who the fuck she says she is. There's no
Speaker 7: gray area. She knows my titties be out. She knows
Speaker 7: so I am. She loves me, she respects me because
Speaker 7: I'm a great mother to her. So what I do
Speaker 7: sexually as an adult is never gonna sway how she
Speaker 7: feels about me as an adult. I'm a parent. I
Speaker 7: am an adult, and I can indulge, and I'm that's
Speaker 7: my right. So my birthright, pleasure is my birthright, and
Speaker 7: it's medicine, and I don't like that is not a
Speaker 7: narrative that I intend on keeping, that we intend on
Speaker 7: keeping from our daughters. So I think like the transparency
Speaker 7: a is like has been medicine for us in our
Speaker 7: friendship and for community because other women are like, Damn,
Speaker 7: I needed to know other women are smoking a blunt
Speaker 7: and I'm not a terrible person. Oh, I needed to
Speaker 7: know other women are out here dating and I'm not
Speaker 7: a terrible person.
Speaker 3: No, you deserve to live, and so do our kids.
Speaker 7: And I hope that we're setting that example and that
Speaker 7: our catalog is so much more than just you know,
Speaker 7: the fifty probably sex stories that are in there, but
Speaker 7: that there's a you know, there's a deep understanding of
Speaker 7: who we truly are.
Speaker 5: What is the titties out? Think y'all keep telling me,
Speaker 5: and I'm trying to make our contact. But she don't
Speaker 5: have her titties.
Speaker 3: In today? They are in today? I what is it?
Speaker 5: What does she mean, like you walking around shirtless or something?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 5: I do, like like in public?
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean where I can.
Speaker 7: I'm like in my house, in her house if we're
Speaker 7: in and we're on vacation.
Speaker 3: We travel a lot.
Speaker 7: My family, my friends know my titties be out because
Speaker 7: it's usually house that I live in or I paid
Speaker 7: for her. My friends are my friends, and so I've
Speaker 7: created a community who are who are.
Speaker 3: Okay with that?
Speaker 7: Because I'm comfortable in my skin and that's how I
Speaker 7: feel comfortable.
Speaker 5: Do you have a traumatic experience with a shirt?
Speaker 7: A turtleneck when I was in fourth grade really overcame
Speaker 7: my neck.
Speaker 2: I want to go back to the to the bad choices.
Speaker 2: We were talking about the bad choices, right, so all
Speaker 2: the bad choices are parenting choices Are they men choices
Speaker 2: or all of.
Speaker 1: The above, right, Because I always say I have six kids.
Speaker 2: I always say the first two are like the guinea pigs, right,
Speaker 2: because you got to learn what to do what not
Speaker 2: to do, and then the next four you kind of get.
Speaker 1: So what are the bad choices?
Speaker 7: I mean, there's definitely some bad choices, And I think,
Speaker 7: like you said, the first two are guinea pigs, Like
Speaker 7: everything's trial and error and hopefully you learn.
Speaker 3: And I think that is the thing in bad tries.
Speaker 3: I mean, apparently you guys six of.
Speaker 7: Them from zero to six, it got better.
Speaker 3: And that's the thing.
Speaker 7: We're ever evolving and you know, and like you trip,
Speaker 7: you fall down, you get the fuck back up. That
Speaker 7: that is life and we don't talk about that enough.
Speaker 7: We only show the result. And like the bad choices
Speaker 7: sometimes are bad, actually really bad, and then you can,
Speaker 7: you know, re hopefully they lead to better choice realine, like, Okay,
Speaker 7: that was fucked up.
Speaker 3: I did too much.
Speaker 7: This way it's a constant sway of balance and that
Speaker 7: is how you get better by acknowledging what you've done
Speaker 7: and being able to have conversations and reflect upon it.
Speaker 7: But if you don't have friends that you could be
Speaker 7: honest with and be like, bitch, I had this three summe.
Speaker 7: I probably shouldn't have left last night. You know she
Speaker 7: can't be like girl, get it together because we're so
Speaker 7: afraid to be judged. But if you can say the thing,
Speaker 7: then you can you can be better from it.
Speaker 8: Erica question for you. I know, and only because you
Speaker 8: mentioned this earlier. I know what you're kid's dad. With Freddy,
Speaker 8: it's a little bit different for you too, because he's
Speaker 8: an artist, Like people know Freddy Gibbs. Right, How do
Speaker 8: you deal with the judgment because yours is like probably
Speaker 8: fifty times more because your relationship and everything that happened
Speaker 8: out of it was so public.
Speaker 3: Like is that harder for you? Is it harder to
Speaker 3: talk about? Is it?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 3: How does it?
Speaker 6: No, it's not hard for me to talk about. I
Speaker 6: mean early on in the show it was. I mean
Speaker 6: when we started the podcast, I was relatively like maybe
Speaker 6: five months out of our breakup.
Speaker 8: WHOA, you were mentally okay enough? Your breakup was pretty No,
Speaker 8: I was not okay, which is okay no, wait, so
Speaker 8: back it up then talk me through that. So you're
Speaker 8: five months out of you were engaged. You you are
Speaker 8: just welcome your baby. Then you find out there's another
Speaker 8: woman the other baby. Then you decide to go get
Speaker 8: on a public platform instead of podcast. What was your
Speaker 8: thinking around that? And like, mentally, outside of just talking
Speaker 8: to her, what else did you do to be able
Speaker 8: to get through that that's wrong?
Speaker 6: You know, I didn't have a lot of thought. Honestly,
Speaker 6: people ask us why we started the show. It was
Speaker 6: really I just needed someone to talk to, and I
Speaker 6: started listening to the podcasts, actually really murder Mystery podcasts,
Speaker 6: and then I started looking up podcasts and the you know,
Speaker 6: single mom podcasts, black podcasts. At the time, there were
Speaker 6: really none like this. The space has changed and evolved
Speaker 6: so much. But before that it was like white moms
Speaker 6: drinking wine, calling her kids' assholes, and like nerdy white
Speaker 6: guys like and murder Mystery shit, which is why I
Speaker 6: was there, And so you know, I felt like, Wow,
Speaker 6: this space is wide open. I wonder if, like my
Speaker 6: friend that I just met, because I didn't know Jamila
Speaker 6: really at all, would want to sit and like, let's
Speaker 6: just talk about being single moms. And then as we
Speaker 6: started talking and just being vulnerable, things just started pouring out.
Speaker 3: She told me the story, and I and yeah, oh
Speaker 3: about there.
Speaker 7: And I immediately was intrigued because I we had hung out,
Speaker 7: but it was very surface and I was like, oh,
Speaker 7: this bitch is kind of spicy.
Speaker 3: Okay, I kind of like her.
Speaker 7: I was like, okay, I can kind of get with this,
Speaker 7: because at first it was very like, how are you
Speaker 7: liking motherhood?
Speaker 3: It's great? I love it, yeah, you know, and not
Speaker 3: being real.
Speaker 7: And when she said that, it immediately made me feel
Speaker 7: close to her, and I asked her at that moment,
Speaker 7: I said, okay, I did the podcast. I don't even
Speaker 7: know what the fuck that is, like a radio show.
Speaker 7: I was like, but are you going to tell the
Speaker 7: story about your couple? And because that's the only way
Speaker 7: I could do it on or off, I don't really
Speaker 7: have a great area.
Speaker 6: And she was like, okay, a couple of white couple,
Speaker 6: black and white, oh, black woman, black and white husband.
Speaker 5: Oh doctor umwa would be. I was like, this white
Speaker 5: man got three queens.
Speaker 8: His wife is beautiful, yes, but like putting that into
Speaker 8: perspective for you, of that, I guess being like a
Speaker 8: liberating experience. And you start this podcast, you have this friend,
Speaker 8: now this homegirl who can support you in a different
Speaker 8: way because she was your first mom friend. You said, right,
Speaker 8: how did you guys talk through even you talking to
Speaker 8: your daughter eventually about like what you went through and
Speaker 8: your decision to put on a podcast.
Speaker 6: Well, to go back to your original question, I think
Speaker 6: that I didn't really give a fuck because he didn't
Speaker 6: really consider me at all. Right, So I didn't really
Speaker 6: have a lot of consideration for him.
Speaker 3: Although I did protect I did protect him a lot.
Speaker 6: I didn't share so much until like maybe like a
Speaker 6: year in like because I wasn't it wasn't confirmed even
Speaker 6: for a while, even when I was recording the show,
Speaker 6: whether you know, this was his child or not. And
Speaker 6: you know, as I started to share more, I felt
Speaker 6: empowered because a lot of women were writing in and
Speaker 6: telling me me too.
Speaker 3: Yeah. And so when you have that support, you feel
Speaker 3: more brave, you know.
Speaker 6: And I feel like that's why our show has been
Speaker 6: so successful, is because we've been really brave and sharing
Speaker 6: our testimony and sharing our truth, and with that becomes
Speaker 6: the community with that comes to support. And so I
Speaker 6: felt very supportive, and luckily we haven't. People always ask
Speaker 6: because like if you've gotten a lot of backlash, on
Speaker 6: your show, not really like, we have a very supportive
Speaker 6: community of men and women, and so, you know, obviously
Speaker 6: me and my child's father a relationship has evolved over
Speaker 6: the years.
Speaker 3: We're cool, we're coold parents, you know. But there was
Speaker 3: a lot of hurt.
Speaker 6: There was a lot of anger, there was a lot
Speaker 6: of confusion, and I really needed a place to heal.
Speaker 6: And honestly, behind the mic was healing. Sharing stories and
Speaker 6: talking is a major form of medicine. Yes, And even
Speaker 6: when I step away from the mic for too long,
Speaker 6: I kind of miss it. I'd be like, damn, I
Speaker 6: got some shit to say. Gotta get this off, you know,
Speaker 6: And so I'm sorry. What was the second question?
Speaker 3: I think just having her as a support system.
Speaker 8: I don't have a kid, but I've been through the
Speaker 8: whole my person having a baby with another person, and
Speaker 8: I decided to stay after and it was really tough
Speaker 8: because you don't have people that really understand it. So
Speaker 8: you as a friend. My question was, what was that
Speaker 8: support system? Like just having another mom that'sa yo. I
Speaker 8: got to and we publicly doing this together, Like what
Speaker 8: was that?
Speaker 3: Like?
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean we were kind of in similar spaces.
Speaker 6: We met each other like I always say, like God
Speaker 6: just it was God's timing. We met each other at
Speaker 6: very crucial moments in our motherhood. She was just she
Speaker 6: had just broken up with her child's father. I had
Speaker 6: just broken up with mine, and it was like bitch,
Speaker 6: we outside. So like the first two three years of
Speaker 6: our show was really about like our just all the things,
Speaker 6: all the journeys, and like rediscovering ourselves as these new women,
Speaker 6: as these new as mothers, but mostly Erica Andrew Mila,
Speaker 6: like who are we outside of just that? And then
Speaker 6: how do we come back to motherhood and be able
Speaker 6: to nourish our children and be good moms? So I
Speaker 6: think just being honest, really saying the thing, and even
Speaker 6: in our friendship, like our friendship has gone through trials
Speaker 6: and tribulations as well, and we've been vocal about that
Speaker 6: on our podcast as well, and just saying the thing
Speaker 6: has been I think really important because specifically women were
Speaker 6: really quick to cut off women if they irritate us,
Speaker 6: or they say the wrong thing, or.
Speaker 3: They're doing too much, you know, and.
Speaker 6: That's just not that's just this has been honestly like
Speaker 6: the best relationship I've had. It's also been one of
Speaker 6: the most challenging relationships I've had because we always talk
Speaker 6: about our our friendship as platonic. We're in a platonic marriage.
Speaker 6: Our our kids, you know, travel together, they go to
Speaker 6: camp together. We share bank accounts. Like I've made more
Speaker 6: money than with her than anyone in my entire life,
Speaker 6: you know, and.
Speaker 3: Their bank accounts is real.
Speaker 8: We're married, Yeah, I mean even in this still I
Speaker 8: know business business partners who do they have a business account,
Speaker 8: but like they keep Google.
Speaker 3: We have separate accounts, but most of our accounts be together. Yeah.
Speaker 3: We do a lot of things.
Speaker 6: And I think we realized when we started to just
Speaker 6: be honest and tap into ourselves, we were the most
Speaker 6: successful we had ever been, Like all of the honest Yeah,
Speaker 6: all of our businesses.
Speaker 3: Have are all three of them are very successful.
Speaker 6: And I think a lot of that is a testimony
Speaker 6: to us being honest with one another and sharing. And
Speaker 6: and also I think when you start tapping into your
Speaker 6: pleasure and when I say pleasure, because I think pleasure
Speaker 6: also gets a bad rap. People always associate pleasure with sex. Yeah,
Speaker 6: but pleasure is a full spectrum of emotions. It's everything,
Speaker 6: it's grief, it's shame, it's love, it's it's all the things.
Speaker 6: There's a journey that you go on and there's a
Speaker 6: healing that happens that opens you up and expands you,
Speaker 6: and you become a better mom, you become a better
Speaker 6: business woman, you become a better wife, you become a
Speaker 6: better girlfriend. Like all these things start to unlock in yourself.
Speaker 6: And I think for us it became just like.
Speaker 3: This ritual weekly doing that.
Speaker 6: And so yeah, mean, Jamila is my best friend, she's
Speaker 6: my sister, she's my platonic wife, although I don't know
Speaker 6: if I'm supposed to give up that title now that
Speaker 6: you're going to be a real life never.
Speaker 4: Very What is the sexilogist in tantric practitioner, Because that's
Speaker 4: what y'all are too, That's what y'all, that's what your
Speaker 4: retreats are.
Speaker 7: About, right, I mean somewhat Yeah, Tantra is about like
Speaker 7: starting the dialogue with your body, using pleasure as medicine.
Speaker 7: Like she said, I think a lot of times people
Speaker 7: think pleasure is just like sex. You're just solely in
Speaker 7: the bedroom, you lock the door, you turn the lights off,
Speaker 7: you don't talk about it. But there's pleasure in all things, right,
Speaker 7: Like you probably I saw you a little snuggy on
Speaker 7: this morning.
Speaker 3: But you you know, like sometimes there's those things that
Speaker 3: just like lighting a candle, setting the vibe, eating a.
Speaker 7: Good meal, and like I think sometimes we reserve those
Speaker 7: intimate pleasures for like you know, we just put everything
Speaker 7: in a box. And so it's just like it's a
Speaker 7: it's a practice of spiritual like technology that is like
Speaker 7: a practice of being in tune with your pleasure and
Speaker 7: not like removing not removing the divinity from intimacy and
Speaker 7: from sex, you know, because it's very it's given to
Speaker 7: us by God. And I think it's just about teaching
Speaker 7: and practicing other people to do that too.
Speaker 5: That's what that's the definition of tantru.
Speaker 3: The definition of tantra is weaving sound and light.
Speaker 8: It's like how you play good We'll see that's going
Speaker 8: back to sex, say, like how you play a good
Speaker 8: playlist and like you set the move, but that's going.
Speaker 7: Back to well, it's like sound and light with form, right,
Speaker 7: So it's like it's it's literally like compounding all the
Speaker 7: all the things, all the things that bringing pleasure and
Speaker 7: weaving them together and understanding like the whole the totality
Speaker 7: of it. One thing is not just here. Sex and
Speaker 7: pleasure not just here. This is not just here. It's
Speaker 7: all in. It's all blurry, it's all watercolors.
Speaker 4: When you said that, I envisioned like a candle lid,
Speaker 4: Like you're smoking a blunt and the smoke is going,
Speaker 4: but then like some music might be playing, like all
Speaker 4: of that light like a.
Speaker 7: Far too yeah, like whenever it's gonna like interact with
Speaker 7: all your senses, your taste, your sound, like like you
Speaker 7: said to sound bath.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and you know we're actually doing our first couple's
Speaker 6: retreat in June, which is.
Speaker 5: June fourteen and Coasta Rica.
Speaker 8: Yes, I have a person, you meet the people there.
Speaker 8: You got to have a person to go to that, right, Yeah,
Speaker 8: this one.
Speaker 6: But I should like a matchmaking situation, singles.
Speaker 3: You might have. You know what.
Speaker 6: I encourage people that are just starting to date to
Speaker 6: come to tap into these type of experiences as well,
Speaker 6: because it really helps set the foundation for the rest
Speaker 6: of your relationship. Like don't wait till you have some
Speaker 6: ship going on your relationship, be like, let we need
Speaker 6: to go on a retreat.
Speaker 8: But how do you know, Because what I was about
Speaker 8: to say is if you got a couple of things
Speaker 8: going on? How you know which one like.
Speaker 3: You want to Yeah, I'm a leaning you always know.
Speaker 8: No, you might have like one and a good one
Speaker 8: and a possible right, but it's like then you lean
Speaker 8: in the wrong way too much, and then that messes
Speaker 8: up and you don't want to for.
Speaker 3: Four days, and now you can't talk to the other one.
Speaker 3: Would how do you know what you want to go?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 3: How am I bringing you to this couple's retreat?
Speaker 8: It's going to isolate just me and you for these
Speaker 8: days and cut off my conversation to any and every
Speaker 8: couple to No, that's not what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: I'm asking for women who are dating.
Speaker 1: Multiple If I'm the possible, I'm super upset.
Speaker 6: I don't know who is number one on the roster.
Speaker 6: That's who you bring. You don't know that's who your
Speaker 6: I don't even have.
Speaker 7: A There is never a fucking solid tie.
Speaker 3: I've had many rosters. There's never a solid tie.
Speaker 7: It's always someone you want to spend more time with
Speaker 7: and the other one's just available.
Speaker 3: Have you guys ever had someone come this is your
Speaker 3: first couple of retreat? Are you doing another one? This
Speaker 3: is our first one?
Speaker 8: Okay, I was going to say, but if somebody shows
Speaker 8: up with the person they're not supposed to be there with,
Speaker 8: how do you guys handle that?
Speaker 3: Like, I'm gonna tell you, I don't know. I don't.
Speaker 3: We haven't.
Speaker 8: Haven't you get the vibe through like the different things
Speaker 8: that you're doing throughout the weekend.
Speaker 3: I don't think y'all should mesh Well, well, first of all,
Speaker 3: for me, I'm not going to do that.
Speaker 6: I'm going to allow them to self discover and through
Speaker 6: the practices they're going to it's going to be crystal
Speaker 6: clear and the twister clear.
Speaker 8: You know.
Speaker 6: But hopefully, you know, hopefully that's not the case, you know,
Speaker 6: And and I know you don't have a partner right now.
Speaker 6: But we do have women's retreats.
Speaker 3: Actually zero.
Speaker 1: Ry Retreat and we.
Speaker 6: Actually just release our dates for the summertime and we're
Speaker 6: actually doing a giveaway and we want we're giving away
Speaker 6: a free spot. So if anyone listening is interested in
Speaker 6: coming to women's retreat in Costa Rica, it's the Reset
Speaker 6: and Vibe Retreat. This is really about really resetting your vibe,
Speaker 6: resetting your nervous system, tapping in meeting a group of
Speaker 6: like minded women.
Speaker 3: Manifesting the man of your dream.
Speaker 6: It's playful, it's jamilus, titties will be out.
Speaker 3: There's there is a lot of nudity at the retreats.
Speaker 3: Women are like, is it resert, No, we take over
Speaker 3: the property.
Speaker 6: They take over property, and people women are just like
Speaker 6: want to be confident in their bodies.
Speaker 3: Some women have literally never even walked around their house naked,
Speaker 3: you know.
Speaker 6: So this is a safe space for you to like
Speaker 6: explore all the facets of you. You don't have to
Speaker 6: do that. It's not a requirement. This is not a
Speaker 6: newdist retreat. I want to be clear, but this is
Speaker 6: a place for you to show up. However it is
Speaker 6: that you want to whoever you are when you're here
Speaker 6: in New York or wherever the hell, or when you're
Speaker 6: with your homegirl that you've known since you were twelve
Speaker 6: and she's still holding you to this archaic version of yourself.
Speaker 6: When you come to the retreat, you can be whoever
Speaker 6: the fuck you want to be. You can rebrand yourself.
Speaker 6: You can be the loudest girl in the room. Maybe
Speaker 6: you're the quietest one at work, you know. And this
Speaker 6: is a place where I have seen such incredible, incredible
Speaker 6: transformations from the women from the literally from the beginning
Speaker 6: when they walk on property to the end and then
Speaker 6: it keeps going. And not only that, the women stay connected.
Speaker 6: So you know, when the work that we do, we
Speaker 6: get so many questions of like I don't have any
Speaker 6: female friends, I don't trust women, you know, I don't
Speaker 6: fuck with women like that. Well you need to, you know,
Speaker 6: I don't think that's really an option now, like we
Speaker 6: really need each other. And so I'm excited because we
Speaker 6: are giving away a spot to our retreat.
Speaker 3: So if you're.
Speaker 6: Listening and you're interested, join our Patreon and all the
Speaker 6: details are in our patreon of how to enter the giveaway.
Speaker 6: And it's an all expense pay trip minus the flight,
Speaker 6: but everything there. Once you arrive, everything's handled for you.
Speaker 6: And that's the thing too, is like as women, we're
Speaker 6: such a doers. We want to like plan every little
Speaker 6: thing when you arrive.
Speaker 3: Me and Mela. Me and Mela take care of everything.
Speaker 5: So do you subscribe to the patreon.
Speaker 6: You go to patreon dot com slash Good Mom's Bad
Speaker 6: Choices and then you will see all the details there
Speaker 6: And once you just subscribe to Patreon, you get access
Speaker 6: to our Discord Community, which is really like that is
Speaker 6: like the most like.
Speaker 7: Rich intimate tribe. There's a lot of moms and women.
Speaker 7: There's men there too, but you know, it's a lot
Speaker 7: of honest talking. And so it's like Tender for Friends.
Speaker 4: The Reset plus Vibe and Coast Reka. That's February first
Speaker 4: through the six Yeah.
Speaker 3: But that's done, that's sold out. Yeah, this is in
Speaker 3: the summertime.
Speaker 6: So this is July thirty first through August fifth, So
Speaker 6: it's the summertime.
Speaker 3: Get the babysitter, you have time, stop making excuses. Come
Speaker 3: by yourself.
Speaker 6: Ninety percent of the women actually, like ninety eight percent
Speaker 6: of the women come alone to our retreats, and I
Speaker 6: recommend it. Like I said, like when you go on
Speaker 6: trips with friends, sometimes you feel like you got to
Speaker 6: take care of bitches. You feel like you can't be
Speaker 6: You're like this new version you're trying to be and
Speaker 6: not friends like that.
Speaker 3: Some people that's crazy.
Speaker 1: They usually taking care of you. That's why you don't
Speaker 1: understand it.
Speaker 3: First of all, they all do.
Speaker 6: People You're always like not you, but like women are
Speaker 6: always asking for permission, like do you want to go?
Speaker 3: Do you want what do you you don't want.
Speaker 7: To don't want to wait, you want shots.
Speaker 4: That's what you're friends to be asking you, saying all
Speaker 4: the time, over and over and over.
Speaker 8: You made a good point earlier about the mom friend
Speaker 8: her being your first mom friend. I have a friend
Speaker 8: who is the only one out of our friend group
Speaker 8: that has a kid, and I remember she was going
Speaker 8: through a point where she was trying to figure out
Speaker 8: mom friends. She has them now, and I used to
Speaker 8: be like, why you want to have other friends, like
Speaker 8: we are friends? What can you talk about them that
Speaker 8: discovery journey? And like why that's important? Because I think
Speaker 8: she did need that none that I'm older. But then
Speaker 8: I was like, girl, who don't people you've.
Speaker 6: Gone through this incredible rite of passage that you can't
Speaker 6: explain to anybody else, like you have this kind of
Speaker 6: like you had to be there, you know. And I
Speaker 6: think sometimes, of course, like the aunties matter when we
Speaker 6: need the aunties all the time, But I think like
Speaker 6: when moms find their mom friend, it creates a place
Speaker 6: where there's like a very true understanding of where we're at,
Speaker 6: what we're doing, what we're dealing with. You know, the
Speaker 6: aunties only want to hear about you bitching about your
Speaker 6: kids so long. They're like, girl, is she gonna come
Speaker 6: around and.
Speaker 3: Talk about this baby? And oh my god.
Speaker 6: You know, so I feel like moms have a little
Speaker 6: more tolerance for that.
Speaker 5: So moms can't be aunties break that down for me.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, they can.
Speaker 6: I was just saying that. I was just saying that
Speaker 6: she was asking about the mom friends situation. So I'm
Speaker 6: saying like that aunties matter. But like having a person
Speaker 6: that's actually going through the same thing is it's.
Speaker 3: A different It's a different type of support. Yeah.
Speaker 4: You know, it's interesting because you know, I'm sure people
Speaker 4: judge all just because of the content. That's what they do,
Speaker 4: especially in the podcast space. If you two black women
Speaker 4: and you're sexually liberated and you're talking about it, people judge.
Speaker 4: But the reality is y'all are just having conversations out
Speaker 4: loud that people have in private.
Speaker 5: All the damn time. Like mama got to have a life.
Speaker 8: Too, Yeah, after the baby is here. Yeah first, no,
Speaker 8: I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about my friends
Speaker 8: that I make sure you have a good time. That
Speaker 8: he was trying to play me about earlier. Mama's want
Speaker 8: shots too, I'm.
Speaker 7: Needs shots more than yeah shots, Actually I only have
Speaker 7: three hours.
Speaker 3: Let's go. Oh yeah.
Speaker 6: There's no one more drunk than a mom without a
Speaker 6: Friday night and Friday night without her.
Speaker 3: Kid paying for a babysitter. This shit counts.
Speaker 4: How do you think y'all are breaking the old stereotype
Speaker 4: of pleasure deprived motherhood.
Speaker 3: I guess being.
Speaker 7: An example, you know, I think, like she said, like
Speaker 7: we genuinely do give people permission. And it's because sometimes
Speaker 7: you don't even I think women don't even realize that
Speaker 7: it's an option to show up as yourself. When you
Speaker 7: hear two people and you're like, oh, oh.
Speaker 3: They did that. Oh they're talking about it. That's crazy.
Speaker 3: Oh she's talking about the three summer.
Speaker 7: She's also talking about putting her kid in you know,
Speaker 7: like those are these are real shit.
Speaker 3: It's real shit.
Speaker 7: But I think sometimes we especially as black women, we
Speaker 7: actually need to see it done. We need to see
Speaker 7: just have the permission, or else we just automatically sweep
Speaker 7: it as all one thing. It's all bad because we've
Speaker 7: been told, we've been given a lot of rules, and
Speaker 7: like unfortunately black women have the most, you know, we
Speaker 7: have to fit into the square the most, a lot
Speaker 7: of white women can fuck up. They could, you know,
Speaker 7: overdose and then host the Grammys the next day and
Speaker 7: everybody's fine. But black women we don't end from them,
Speaker 7: and we don't get as much, you know, like leeway.
Speaker 7: And so I think people women genuinely needed to see
Speaker 7: us do the thing and hear about us doing the
Speaker 7: thing to.
Speaker 3: Be like, oh, I could do that shit too.
Speaker 5: Absolutely.
Speaker 8: I read an Essence article on you guys, and you
Speaker 8: talked about apologizing to your kid and how good that
Speaker 8: has been and how freeing that is. And we always
Speaker 8: had this conversation me with my mom, like I'd be like,
Speaker 8: you need to learn how to apologize, but you guys
Speaker 8: are doing it early. Why and how has it worked
Speaker 8: in your relationship with your kid?
Speaker 3: Because I didn't get it.
Speaker 6: I didn't get no apologies, you know, and so and
Speaker 6: I realized how I realized that as when as I was,
Speaker 6: as I was evolving in motherhood. And I always tell
Speaker 6: people I'm a ten year old mother, Like I only
Speaker 6: know as much as I know above a ten year
Speaker 6: old mother.
Speaker 3: You know, I'm new ish at this point, maybe a
Speaker 3: little seasoned.
Speaker 6: Not quite, but I've seen the power of apologizing. I've
Speaker 6: seen how much my daughter feels safe and talking to
Speaker 6: me because her mom is willing to say, hey, I
Speaker 6: kind of fucked up.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry about that.
Speaker 6: Hey I lost my temper. And I think a lot
Speaker 6: of times we've pushed things under the rug, and like
Speaker 6: all those things they that you don't forget them as kids,
Speaker 6: you know they and then they show up in different
Speaker 6: ways in your life where you now have a problem apologizing.
Speaker 6: You can't acknowledge the things that you've done wrong, and
Speaker 6: now it's holding you back.
Speaker 3: And so I just didn't I don't want that for her.
Speaker 3: And so I think it's really.
Speaker 6: Important for parents overall to get used to that idea
Speaker 6: not idea that that that thing and and do that,
Speaker 6: and like why wouldn't you Why wouldn't you want to
Speaker 6: apologize to your child if you know you fucked up.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And it feels good.
Speaker 6: It feels good to like reverse whatever it is that
Speaker 6: you know didn't work for you, you know. I think
Speaker 6: about like I had like a recent like parenting moment
Speaker 6: with my daughter because she was getting bullied at school
Speaker 6: and I was like, oh, no, so we're here because
Speaker 6: I'm gonna beat.
Speaker 3: All these little bitches. Assess. I was like, Okay, you
Speaker 3: can't do that. Don't do that, Erica.
Speaker 5: You can.
Speaker 6: Well now I'm on Breakfast Club talking about it. So shit,
Speaker 6: it wasn't me. And you know, at first I was like,
Speaker 6: all right, I'm just gonna like talk to the school
Speaker 6: and have them deal with this because I don't know
Speaker 6: what to do. And then I was like, no, I
Speaker 6: have to have to face this head on. And so
Speaker 6: you know, I was just you know, I sat with
Speaker 6: her and talked to her. She had a really hard
Speaker 6: time telling me because I think she's my daughter's going
Speaker 6: to be ten and right now in her life, like her,
Speaker 6: her social circle is very important to her. You know,
Speaker 6: she's just building these friendships and like it feels like
Speaker 6: her whole world, so stirring the pot feels like it's
Speaker 6: it's not a big deal, it's fine, you know. And
Speaker 6: so I was just empowering her to stand up for herself.
Speaker 6: And after that moment, like us talking it through.
Speaker 3: I was like, damn, that was good.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Do you ever have those moments and.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, apologizing to my she's sixteen, apologizing to her,
Speaker 4: I can't eve remember to I apologize for and she said,
Speaker 4: it's okay, this's your first time doing this, just meaning
Speaker 4: your first time as a father, like you know, you
Speaker 4: have a sixteen So I was like, oh, okay that
Speaker 4: but it's true.
Speaker 7: Like I don't know, we're wringing it. You know, maybe
Speaker 7: you're a professional over here.
Speaker 1: Mine goes from twenty three to three. So it's all
Speaker 1: over again. It's all over.
Speaker 2: But you know, I got lucky with a lot like so,
Speaker 2: I was an only child, so the bullying thing, I
Speaker 2: had to deal with myself as a kid being bully.
Speaker 2: But they got siblings now, so where you know, if
Speaker 2: my ten year old, I got a eleven year old
Speaker 2: that's going to go to the school and hold it
Speaker 2: down where it's not daddy. I could push it, but like, yo,
Speaker 2: go look out for your sister. But you know, some
Speaker 2: of those things I have because we have those conversations.
Speaker 2: But I think the best thing is, like you said, apologies, right,
Speaker 2: My dad and my mom never apologized to me if
Speaker 2: they were wrong. You ate it pause. But I think
Speaker 2: with me, it's like, man, let me talk to you. You know,
Speaker 2: Dad was a little upset, this was the reason why
Speaker 2: this happened.
Speaker 1: And they respect you.
Speaker 2: And look at you a lot differently, and they're able
Speaker 2: to be free, Like my kids have conversations with me
Speaker 2: that I'm surprised that they tell me stuff.
Speaker 3: And I'm like, I.
Speaker 2: Would never tell my dad this, but they feel so comfortable,
Speaker 2: And sometimes I got to take a step back and
Speaker 2: be like, I have to understand, you know, which is
Speaker 2: well and.
Speaker 3: It's a testament they were doing a great job.
Speaker 6: And you know, if your kids are talking to you
Speaker 6: in that way, like it's a it's those little like
Speaker 6: like confirmations along.
Speaker 3: The way, you're like, Okay, I'm not fucking up.
Speaker 6: They're safe, they feel safe. They feel safe, yeah, and
Speaker 6: you know it feels good. Like I said, it feels
Speaker 6: good to apologize to my daughter, and I've actually even
Speaker 6: said to her, listen, I don't really know what I'm doing.
Speaker 3: It out.
Speaker 7: You know, we've only only we can only reference our parents,
Speaker 7: our parents parenting, and ultimately, like they've they could use
Speaker 7: some improvement. But if you don't have the space to
Speaker 7: like reflect and be like, okay, well this could have
Speaker 7: been better and then apply it, you know, without you
Speaker 7: have to be able to question what has happened in
Speaker 7: order to improve the systems. And you know, it's true,
Speaker 7: sometimes I'm reacting in a way, I'm like, why the
Speaker 7: fuck am I talking like this? I'm like, oh, that's
Speaker 7: how I was talked to. But then I have to
Speaker 7: pivot and shift and it takes work, you know, like
Speaker 7: mothering a child while also mothering myself, parenting myself, reprogramming
Speaker 7: myself is I'm sure we've all experienced it, like it's difficult,
Speaker 7: but it's necessary for our kids to inherit different habits
Speaker 7: and so when their parents hopefully that it were changing
Speaker 7: generationally each time and getting better instead of just doing
Speaker 7: the same shit over and over again.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that was the most difficult to not
Speaker 2: do what my parents do right my kids as to
Speaker 2: go out no why because I said so, because that's
Speaker 2: what I've heard. But then you have to come back
Speaker 2: and be like, well, let me explain.
Speaker 1: Why I think it's a bad idea. But as a kid,
Speaker 1: you just.
Speaker 2: Took it because you was like, I'm not arguing with
Speaker 2: my mother, pops. But now you got to come back like, well,
Speaker 2: the reason I really don't want you to go is
Speaker 2: because it's not a safe environment if you got to
Speaker 2: think about it this time yet, And it's like, damn,
Speaker 2: I'm really explaining myself to my three year old.
Speaker 1: But it is what it is.
Speaker 7: But now they feel respected as a human being because
Speaker 7: our kids are human beings, you know, and that thing
Speaker 7: we forget that as parents because we weren't always treated
Speaker 7: that way.
Speaker 3: You're a child to stay in your place, correct.
Speaker 4: Yeah, y'all have a book too, A Good Mom's Guide
Speaker 4: to Making Bad Choices, explain why they need a guid
Speaker 4: to make bad choices?
Speaker 8: You know.
Speaker 7: I think when we were writing this, I realized, like
Speaker 7: there are so many books about parenthood, like.
Speaker 3: How do you care for your baby? How do you
Speaker 3: spottle the baby? What do you do?
Speaker 7: You know, like there's all these there's all these things
Speaker 7: about how you care for a baby, and there's rarely
Speaker 7: there's no books really about how the fuck do I
Speaker 7: care for myself after this huge thing that's happened. My
Speaker 7: body has changed, my life has changed. I'm, you know,
Speaker 7: implementing a new human and I'm caring for something and
Speaker 7: there's a lot of fear. There's a lot of anxiety
Speaker 7: in that that nobody talks about, and even for us,
Speaker 7: our book talks about like our journey in single parenting,
Speaker 7: there's a lot of mom experiencing that, a lot of
Speaker 7: mom's fighting it like trying to put a fucking square
Speaker 7: in a circle, Like sometimes it just don't work, and
Speaker 7: that's okay. And so I think this book is really
Speaker 7: about the guide to finding yourself, whatever that is for you,
Speaker 7: and being authentic in it, and also like, how do
Speaker 7: you care for yourself in this process of parenting, because
Speaker 7: there are no books about that.
Speaker 3: It's always about the child.
Speaker 7: And that's the thing about motherhood itself, like it has
Speaker 7: to be self sacrificing, but it doesn't and it shouldn't be.
Speaker 7: And that's really what the book is based in.
Speaker 2: I wanted to ask, you know, do you ever resent
Speaker 2: your baby father's And the reason I ask is you know.
Speaker 1: She said, you know because if you really look back,
Speaker 1: and I think Charlemagne can say the same thing.
Speaker 5: I never had a baby fathers.
Speaker 2: No, I don't know what you've had. I don't know
Speaker 2: what you identify as. But you know, if our wives
Speaker 2: ever leave the kids with us for a long time,
Speaker 2: you realize I really don't have control.
Speaker 1: And as a father, right, your wife does.
Speaker 2: Everything for you and the fact that she has and
Speaker 2: I always say the main thing that she has is patience, Right,
Speaker 2: I don't have the patience, but do you ever resent
Speaker 2: like he's not here, he's not here to help. I
Speaker 2: don't know if he was there or not there. He's
Speaker 2: not here to take to school, he's not there for
Speaker 2: that time where I just need a break and just say,
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, let me go walk around
Speaker 2: the block one time.
Speaker 1: Do you ever resent that? And if you did, how
Speaker 1: did y'all get over it?
Speaker 4: Uh?
Speaker 3: It's a work in progress.
Speaker 6: I think that, you know, early on, of course, there
Speaker 6: was more resentfulness.
Speaker 3: I think there's acceptance too.
Speaker 6: You just have to kind of accept the person you
Speaker 6: chose and this is this is it, you know, and
Speaker 6: and then from there build the build the tribe.
Speaker 3: And that's really what I've done.
Speaker 6: I have an incredible support system that will show up
Speaker 6: when he can't, you know. And granted both of us
Speaker 6: are very busy careers. He's out of the country, out
Speaker 6: of town a lot, and so ninety eight percent of
Speaker 6: everything has fallen into my hands. So I would be
Speaker 6: lying to say there's there's no resentment like or there
Speaker 6: hasn't been resentment, But.
Speaker 3: I also just I also like have have to humanize
Speaker 3: him as well.
Speaker 6: If I'm going to give grace to the women that
Speaker 6: I that I serve and give grace to myself. Then
Speaker 6: I also have to understand where he's at, what happened, like,
Speaker 6: where what wasn't what needs were not meant in your childhood?
Speaker 6: What things are you battling with that you're not confronting
Speaker 6: and avoiding, you know. And so that doesn't always come
Speaker 6: because sometimes I want to curse him out, but then
Speaker 6: I have to kind of bring it back and say, Okay, well,
Speaker 6: this work doesn't just apply to this.
Speaker 3: I have to be able to apply it to both.
Speaker 3: And it does my daughter.
Speaker 6: No, it doesn't do my daughter any any benefit by
Speaker 6: you know, me, you know, bad talking him, especially in
Speaker 6: front of her.
Speaker 3: I try my best to for her to feel like
Speaker 3: we are still the family. You know. We pray, we
Speaker 3: pray for her dad.
Speaker 6: We talk about her dad like I ask it, I
Speaker 6: ask even like you know, he had another child and
Speaker 6: the reason we broke up was because he got another
Speaker 6: woman pregnant. And you know, I never in a million
Speaker 6: years thought that I would be able to be like
Speaker 6: in the presence of that child ever. And I know
Speaker 6: there's a lot of women listening that have maybe experienced
Speaker 6: this or maybe going through this.
Speaker 3: Hard drop because I know what a feeling. Yeah, and
Speaker 3: it was I literally I just there was no way.
Speaker 6: I remember the first time he brought his son into
Speaker 6: my house like unannounced, and I was.
Speaker 3: Like, oh, did you cry? How was the did you cry?
Speaker 8: Like?
Speaker 6: What would your I didn't even know how to cry.
Speaker 6: I was frozen, you know, like I.
Speaker 3: You don't want to react to the baby.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and like as as women, like we are territorial
Speaker 6: around this role of mother and like the space that
Speaker 6: we share with this person, like this is what we
Speaker 6: decided to do and this is an interruption and but
Speaker 6: you know, but but now, like I have so much
Speaker 6: love for that child. You know, I wouldn't be a
Speaker 6: good mom who makes bad choices without that child. Like
Speaker 6: thank you, baby mama for you know, breaking the family up,
Speaker 6: because because no, truly, because I didn't know myself then
Speaker 6: I was really like living for him. And and so
Speaker 6: I think that like to answer your question is just
Speaker 6: like about answer your question. It's just about like allowing
Speaker 6: grace and knowing that yes, there are times when I
Speaker 6: want to curse that man out, but also I love
Speaker 6: him because he can be my daughter.
Speaker 4: You know what if the other child was a daughter
Speaker 4: who looked just like the woman that he had Jesus the.
Speaker 3: Other well, it's a son and no, but.
Speaker 4: What if it was a daughter who looked just like
Speaker 4: the woman who he had another baby with.
Speaker 3: I don't think that would have I don't.
Speaker 6: I mean, it's probably would. I mean again, like we've
Speaker 6: probably been jarring at first, but you know, like I
Speaker 6: think that I would have accepted that as well. All
Speaker 6: of Freddy's kids just look just like him, you know.
Speaker 2: And you have to have those conversations with the other mothers, like, hey,
Speaker 2: let's even though this is not the situation, but we
Speaker 2: all have kids, let them be siblist together.
Speaker 3: I only have a rapport with one. And you know
Speaker 3: it's not because I don't want to.
Speaker 6: It's like I could reach out, I guess, but that
Speaker 6: just hasn't been my ministry yet.
Speaker 3: But there's no there's no hate, there's.
Speaker 6: No resentment, Like we're all moms trying to do the
Speaker 6: best we can for our kids. And you know, she
Speaker 6: made her choices and all of them have made their
Speaker 6: choices because you know, my my baby dad eve been
Speaker 6: busy with creating life since since our first one.
Speaker 2: But yeah, so and Jamilli, you resentment if there was
Speaker 2: any or no I know.
Speaker 7: Like she said, acceptance. You know I knew who I
Speaker 7: had a baby with. I'm accepting of that. And then honestly,
Speaker 7: there's a level of that just sounds so crazy.
Speaker 1: I know how I had the baby with. So it
Speaker 1: is what it is.
Speaker 3: I mean it is. I know you got to get
Speaker 3: to that point, do you got RAI, but.
Speaker 1: You expect different.
Speaker 2: If you knew that that was gonna be the situation
Speaker 2: would but it's a.
Speaker 3: Different got to raise the kid.
Speaker 5: If your aunt had a penis should be your uncle.
Speaker 7: But there's a there's a level of pride.
Speaker 3: I had to think about that. I think he's saying
Speaker 3: it is what it is.
Speaker 8: I would say, talk about that level of pride in
Speaker 8: that because the resentment can that can cause some woman
Speaker 8: to stay and y'all chose to step away.
Speaker 7: Well, yeah, yeah, you could be resentful and you can
Speaker 7: let that ship like fester, or you could walk away
Speaker 7: and move on and accept the person you had a
Speaker 7: baby with. And even in this chapter of my life,
Speaker 7: I'm like, you know, do what you can. There's a
Speaker 7: lot of drop offs at the grandma's house, which you know,
Speaker 7: if my child is safe and fed, I'm happy y're around.
Speaker 7: But I also find joy and like I am the
Speaker 7: primary provider.
Speaker 3: Hey, you got to take the kid.
Speaker 7: I'm going to the breakfast club to my traveling you know,
Speaker 7: like I you know, I have won so much in this,
Speaker 7: Like I have evolved so much in this this relationship
Speaker 7: with my friend and this brand and this business. Like
Speaker 7: I have really discovered something that I wouldn't have been
Speaker 7: able to discover had I stayed in that relationship.
Speaker 3: So I'm grateful.
Speaker 7: I'm grateful for the like the awareness of myself be
Speaker 7: like this ain't gonna work. I can't see this forever.
Speaker 7: I'm out and just honoring that and accepting him for
Speaker 7: who he is and accepting that is not something that
Speaker 7: I can't accept in my life in the romantic partnership and.
Speaker 3: Just letting it be.
Speaker 7: Because you know, karma's a bitch, and you have to
Speaker 7: deal with that with your child when she gets of age.
Speaker 7: Because we have kids who are very well aware, very intelligent.
Speaker 7: We never disrespect our child's intelligence. So we're honest, you know,
Speaker 7: age appropriate manner, and so I give you, know know,
Speaker 7: I give you the love, and I know that you
Speaker 7: are going to have to deal with that relationships as
Speaker 7: she gets older and I you know, did luck.
Speaker 8: Did the baby daddy's ever come to you and apologize
Speaker 8: for what? And he's kind of referencing like that flack
Speaker 8: of like dang, I'm sorry, or put you.
Speaker 3: Through or denial denial, denial.
Speaker 6: If you ask them, they probably would would say they have.
Speaker 6: But I mean, you know, most dads like I'm doing great,
Speaker 6: Like you see her in two weeks. Our baby's daddy's
Speaker 6: trying to link up a few times once and we
Speaker 6: were like, what the hell are they?
Speaker 3: They're talking about gonna start podcast.
Speaker 4: Network and be a confident. I do have one last question.
Speaker 4: How did you break up with that couple?
Speaker 5: That doctor? How did you like doctor ar?
Speaker 6: You know, it became a thing because I really I
Speaker 6: realized I knew this begin to begin with.
Speaker 3: I don't really I'm not into white men. I'm just not, you.
Speaker 6: Know, I really I was trying because they were cool
Speaker 6: and he was handsome, but I realized that over time
Speaker 6: it just wasn't like I was more into his wife.
Speaker 3: Than I was to him. And I respect it too, because.
Speaker 1: I told you was trying to break up that happy well.
Speaker 6: No, I was not trying to break up the happy home.
Speaker 6: But she did ask me like Erica, like where are
Speaker 6: you at? Like you haven't been responding to the calls?
Speaker 3: Da da da da. And I was like, honestly, like
Speaker 3: I'm more attracted to you.
Speaker 6: And she was like okay, thanks, and she cut it off,
Speaker 6: and I was like respect, like respect, and and that's
Speaker 6: why I really respected their dynamic.
Speaker 3: They showed me.
Speaker 6: I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned how
Speaker 6: much they loved, like how expansive their love was for
Speaker 6: one another. I felt honored to be able to come
Speaker 6: into their relationship and and spend time with them and
Speaker 6: then also peace out. But yeah, it was more so
Speaker 6: it was just like and also like I wanted to eve.
Speaker 6: It was just it was kind of like a f
Speaker 6: I got what I needed out of it, and then
Speaker 6: I was done with it, you know. But I but
Speaker 6: I have a lot of love for them, and they're
Speaker 6: a great couple.
Speaker 3: They're still together to this day.
Speaker 1: But we appreciate you all for joining.
Speaker 2: Make sure you describe Good Mom, Bad Choices podcast on
Speaker 2: the Black Effect Network, Jamila mapping every Wednesday.
Speaker 5: Every Wednesday, they drop, so check them out.
Speaker 2: That's right, it's the breakfast Club, Good Morning, wake that
Speaker 2: ass up in the morning.
Speaker 5: The Breakfast Club,