WEBVTT - Cut Back, Not Off 0:00:01.680 --> 0:00:05.280 Hi listeners, welcome back. I'm nedrig Glover to wib and 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:11.320 you need to hear this. Sometimes the relationships that we 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:17.240 needed at eighteen years old, they don't translate to the 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:22.080 relationships we might need at twenty six years old, right, 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:28.160 And there are times when we hang on a little 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:30.880 bit longer than we need to, and it starts to 0:00:31.080 --> 0:00:36.680 impact the relationship dynamic. There are some people who grow 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:41.400 with us and their lives reflect some of the changes 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:45.720 that we're making. And there are some people who remain 0:00:45.840 --> 0:00:49.839 themselves And that's okay, it's not necessarily problematic, but it 0:00:49.920 --> 0:00:54.200 is a problem for the relationship. When we stay in 0:00:54.240 --> 0:00:58.640 those situations that are no longer fitted for where we 0:00:58.680 --> 0:01:02.800 are in life, be really challenging to the progress we're 0:01:02.840 --> 0:01:09.759 trying to make. Sometimes, letting those relationships go it is 0:01:10.040 --> 0:01:14.960 a reflection of honoring the good parts of that relationship 0:01:15.000 --> 0:01:19.399 and not trying to change people. There are some relationships 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:22.800 that I've had that I think, oh my gosh, that 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:29.240 was that was a wonderful relationship in high school. At 0:01:29.360 --> 0:01:33.840 my big age, it may not be a wonderful relationship. 0:01:33.920 --> 0:01:38.440 We may not have you know, the same music preferences anymore. 0:01:38.720 --> 0:01:43.240 We certainly may not have the same hobbies in life, 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:46.760 and that is okay. It's okay to have those relationships 0:01:46.760 --> 0:01:50.680 where we say that was a good time. We can 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:55.560 really mess stuff up when we're trying to continue things 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:58.760 and it's like it's not even good anymore. I think 0:01:58.760 --> 0:02:03.040 about that sometimes when I'm watching a series, and you know, 0:02:03.120 --> 0:02:05.520 sometimes you get to a point in a TV show 0:02:05.520 --> 0:02:11.480 where you're like, you know, season eight, they could have 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:15.280 stopped this in season six, they could have left on 0:02:15.680 --> 0:02:20.480 a high note. I would have rather that they left 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:23.639 this series when I was all in, because now I'm 0:02:23.639 --> 0:02:25.919 not even in a hurry to watch it anymore. It's 0:02:25.960 --> 0:02:28.160 not even that good. I watch it after I watch 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:33.160 everything else that I love, because this is just okay now. 0:02:33.760 --> 0:02:36.360 And in some of our relationships, that's where it is. 0:02:36.400 --> 0:02:39.960 It's like, this is a just okay friendship, This is 0:02:40.000 --> 0:02:45.400 a just okay relationship with cousins so and so, and 0:02:45.480 --> 0:02:49.400 maybe two seasons ago in our life we needed to 0:02:49.560 --> 0:02:53.600 release it, or we needed to maybe step back and 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:56.240 speak to this person once a year, or speak to 0:02:56.280 --> 0:02:58.040 them quarterly, or whatever it is. 0:02:58.120 --> 0:02:59.280 But there are. 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:03.880 Times when we are taking things too far for too long. 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:07.320 So in today's letter. I'm sure you've guessed it. It 0:03:07.400 --> 0:03:11.720 is a condition of you know, saying in something maybe 0:03:11.760 --> 0:03:15.960 a little longer than we need to, and when we're 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:20.120 not ready to leave, we have to remember that the 0:03:20.160 --> 0:03:24.399 only solution is not cutting someone off. There are other solutions. 0:03:24.440 --> 0:03:28.320 Cutting back is also an option, right, not the cut off, 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:33.520 but the cutback, and so we'll explore some options in 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:34.640 today's call. 0:03:34.960 --> 0:03:35.880 Let's get started. 0:03:37.560 --> 0:03:40.080 Hi, I'm a twenty eight year old man, and I 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:42.440 have had and built my current friend groups since I 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:45.160 was around fifteen years old. It's a combination of people 0:03:45.200 --> 0:03:48.119 I've met through video games and chat rooms, as well 0:03:48.160 --> 0:03:50.800 as some folks we've collectively brought in from our respective 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:54.920 colleges and other friend groups have cultivated. What I'm really 0:03:54.960 --> 0:03:58.720 struggling with is that at least one person is kind 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:01.680 of infecting the site of our group and pushing people 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:05.200 away at the same time. Most outsiders would view this 0:04:05.240 --> 0:04:09.760 guy as racist, homophobic, just generally a bad dude, and 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:12.280 that's not really the problem I have with him, as 0:04:12.320 --> 0:04:14.360 most of us actually in the group understand that this 0:04:14.520 --> 0:04:17.599 is in jest. He's been more on the dark humor 0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:19.560 side since I met him. When I was around nineteen. 0:04:20.160 --> 0:04:22.760 By that age, I think most team guys have grown 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:25.159 out of the edgy humor phase, but it always just 0:04:25.160 --> 0:04:27.279 seemed to be how he actually is and part of 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:30.280 his true personality, rather than some phase we all went 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:33.640 through before really developing empathy and learning how to be yourself. 0:04:34.760 --> 0:04:38.200 I myself identify as bisexual, and I'm one of the 0:04:38.240 --> 0:04:40.839 three of us of non white ethnicities, me being the 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:43.560 only non half white ones, so they see me as 0:04:43.600 --> 0:04:46.160 an authority on that kind of thing, and if things 0:04:46.200 --> 0:04:49.800 are offensive, My problem sort of begins where this kind 0:04:49.800 --> 0:04:52.719 of joking doesn't know it's time or place. It's hard 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:55.880 to bring women around, specifically because every single one of 0:04:55.880 --> 0:04:58.440 the girlfriends of our friends also end up hating him 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:02.200 for his humor and degrading an and that it's a 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:04.279 big thing that he's known for in a large part 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:05.520 of the overall friend dynamic. 0:05:06.920 --> 0:05:12.120 See I said today's lesson was about keeping people around 0:05:12.160 --> 0:05:12.840 for too long. 0:05:12.960 --> 0:05:13.120 You know. 0:05:13.200 --> 0:05:17.719 The puzzling part here for me is most people outgrow this. 0:05:18.440 --> 0:05:22.799 Outgrowing is an assumption, right. We think that certain things 0:05:22.839 --> 0:05:27.679 with people are a face, and as you can see, 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:30.640 some things might just be a part of who they are. 0:05:30.680 --> 0:05:32.360 It might be a phase for you, but it's a 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:35.520 lifestyle for someone else. And you know, some of this 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:39.000 teasing and that sort of thing, When that's the way 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:44.800 that you've predominantly been able to get support and accolades 0:05:45.000 --> 0:05:49.599 and encouragement, why would you stop it. You know, people 0:05:49.640 --> 0:05:52.960 think it's funny. Even if it's an awkward laugh, it's 0:05:53.000 --> 0:05:57.800 a laugh. And so this idea that this person would 0:05:57.839 --> 0:06:03.400 outgrow something that's actually benefiting them. Perhaps they don't. They 0:06:03.440 --> 0:06:06.320 don't see themselves. We see them, and so it's really 0:06:06.360 --> 0:06:12.159 important to remember that the reflection that you see of 0:06:12.320 --> 0:06:16.039 people is not always the idea they have of themselves. 0:06:17.040 --> 0:06:22.320 As I hear you talking about this, I wonder what 0:06:22.400 --> 0:06:27.080 would one on one contact look like versus being in 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:31.120 a group setting with this person. It's very important that 0:06:31.240 --> 0:06:37.200 we protect our people, and sometimes we are so concerned 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:41.280 with how the offensive person might be offended that we 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:44.120 protect them and we don't protect the other folks in 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:44.559 the group. 0:06:45.200 --> 0:06:46.680 And it sounds like this. 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:50.599 Person is having an impact on the group, So there 0:06:50.640 --> 0:06:55.839 is some protection needed for everyone, and your role as 0:06:56.320 --> 0:06:59.720 the person who sees the issue clearly you're trying to 0:06:59.760 --> 0:07:04.760 work through it. Sometimes your inclusion of this person is 0:07:04.839 --> 0:07:09.680 actually more problematic than the exclusion of this person. So 0:07:09.880 --> 0:07:14.280 consider ways in which you might want to protect the 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:18.360 overall dynamics of the group and the other people in 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:25.320 the group. Another thing that I'm wondering here is when 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:28.600 we are willing to deal with things with certain people, 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:34.120 what about that makes it okay for other people to 0:07:34.240 --> 0:07:37.720 deal with it? Like, it's one thing if I can 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:40.760 tolerate oh my gosh, this person is making me jokes. 0:07:40.800 --> 0:07:41.720 Ha ha ha ha. 0:07:41.520 --> 0:07:45.840 Ha, Right, but what I tolerate may not be appropriate 0:07:45.920 --> 0:07:49.320 for other people. You know, what I listen to might 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:52.840 not be appropriate for other people. And so if you're 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:58.000 noticing that in general, this person is problematic. Again, that 0:07:58.080 --> 0:08:00.440 protection piece, We're going to keep coming back to that, 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:03.840 because it's not just about you protecting you, it's about 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:08.040 protecting everyone else in the space as well. Because you 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:12.600 are the facilitator of this group experience. You are the host, 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:15.760 and so how do you host the gathering? How do 0:08:15.880 --> 0:08:20.840 you be in community with this person, perhaps on a 0:08:20.880 --> 0:08:25.240 one to one basis, and not infect everyone else with 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:27.880 what they're doing. We're going to go to break and 0:08:27.920 --> 0:08:28.679 we'll be back. 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:36.760 We have these huge get togethers around once a year 0:08:36.800 --> 0:08:39.560 where we go camping or rarely like a big trip 0:08:39.600 --> 0:08:42.439 to a city. I've invited my younger brother along with us, 0:08:42.480 --> 0:08:45.800 and even someone that I was romantically interested into these 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.520 things because I just genuinely love these people so much. 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:50.760 The one time I brought a guy that I was 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:54.080 talking to to this outing, this friend made some uncomfortable 0:08:54.200 --> 0:08:56.440 jokes about some crude things to do with gay men. 0:08:57.240 --> 0:09:00.120 Wasn't directed towards us, but this person that I was 0:08:59.920 --> 0:09:02.480 interested in did end up feeling like he wasn't really 0:09:02.480 --> 0:09:05.760 welcome to stay. I ended up talking him down and 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:09.200 he was pretty understanding, but someone else's girlfriend found it 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:11.880 so rude and disgusting that she yelled and caused a 0:09:11.920 --> 0:09:15.040 whole scene, making the rest of the trip pretty uncomfortable 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:16.600 when the four of us were in the same room. 0:09:17.320 --> 0:09:21.559 So I guess it's not really him directly causing a 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:24.319 rift in our group dynamic, but the things he says 0:09:24.320 --> 0:09:27.640 and does can cause a chain reaction of problems. My 0:09:27.720 --> 0:09:30.520 younger brother has felt some discomfort too, and that makes 0:09:30.559 --> 0:09:33.840 me especially upset because I've always been protective of him. 0:09:34.160 --> 0:09:36.600 As well as this, he does make scenes in public 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:39.200 and tends to pull in appropriate pranks on both our 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:43.680 friends as well as innocent workers and stores, etc. For example, 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:47.200 he'll pretend to not speak English when interacting with workers, 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:50.520 but speak fake Spanish in a heavy American accent, making 0:09:50.559 --> 0:09:53.199 it clear he speaks English but toys with the worker's 0:09:53.280 --> 0:09:56.640 patience and intelligence. Or he'll tell waiters that a friend 0:09:56.679 --> 0:09:59.559 thinks they're attractive when they haven't even said anything about that. 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:03.439 He's even done this to a friend who's engaged. And 0:10:04.120 --> 0:10:06.640 like I said earlier, I feel like this kind of 0:10:06.640 --> 0:10:08.840 behavior is spreading through the group a bit. Some of 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:10.920 our friends are a bit younger, and I can tell 0:10:10.920 --> 0:10:13.000 that they try to impress this friend or just take 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:15.120 on some of his jokes when they originally did an 0:10:15.160 --> 0:10:17.040 act like that when we first became acquainted. 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:23.599 You know, as I'm listening to this, I am becoming 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:30.080 aware of my response to the examples of this behavior. 0:10:30.600 --> 0:10:38.040 And it feels offensive to me to make fun of 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:45.640 someone's language, to pick on strangers, to disrupt, you know, 0:10:45.840 --> 0:10:50.120 the group dynamics so much that you're now making uncomfortable 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:53.880 jokes about someone's dating and. 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:56.280 You know, just all of these things. 0:10:56.320 --> 0:10:59.600 And I hear you, you know, putting that situation on 0:10:59.679 --> 0:11:02.960 other part, Oh, well, this other person, they got upset 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:05.600 and they caused this commotion with him. But it's like 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:10.000 it sounds like she was tired of it to the 0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:14.480 point of, hey, somebody has to address this person. This 0:11:14.600 --> 0:11:17.080 needs to be handled now. Perhaps she didn't do it 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:22.079 in the best way, but she did something. Laughing things 0:11:22.120 --> 0:11:26.040 off is a sign that we are uncomfortable with conversation, 0:11:28.880 --> 0:11:33.800 and so in many cases we will let people get 0:11:33.800 --> 0:11:41.120 away with saying terrible things, or making inappropriate gestures, or 0:11:41.240 --> 0:11:42.920 just doing all sorts of things. 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.000 And our communication of. 0:11:47.840 --> 0:11:53.000 Is not sending the message that it's not okay, it 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:57.640 is inappropriate. Now, that may not stop someone's behavior, but 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:03.720 if you have someone who's making jokes about homosexuals and 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:11.840 you just even a that's inappropriate? Why would you say 0:12:11.880 --> 0:12:14.760 that about a community that you know, I'm a part of? 0:12:16.120 --> 0:12:18.840 How do you think it? You know, may make someone 0:12:19.000 --> 0:12:22.360 feel to hear you say that about them. 0:12:23.320 --> 0:12:23.680 Stop. 0:12:24.160 --> 0:12:26.480 You know, there are so many different ways we can 0:12:26.559 --> 0:12:31.200 handle these situations, but laughing it off is not the 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:37.840 appropriate response as a way to avoid some sort of offensiveness, 0:12:38.240 --> 0:12:42.880 because what happens is it encourages the inappropriate behavior. 0:12:42.960 --> 0:12:43.959 They're not even. 0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:47.280 Told hey, don't say that. And let's say that you're saying, like, man, 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:51.520 you shouldn't say stuff like that. Even that tone is 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:56.480 laughing it off. There needs to be some seriousness in 0:12:56.559 --> 0:12:59.280 the way that you say things to people. 0:12:59.720 --> 0:12:59.920 You know. 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:03.520 There's a lot of jokes about how parents would let 0:13:03.600 --> 0:13:07.200 you know that you're you know, this is serious. It 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:10.360 could be a look, It could be a certain tone 0:13:10.400 --> 0:13:11.199 of the voice. 0:13:11.800 --> 0:13:12.000 You know. 0:13:12.440 --> 0:13:15.480 Sometimes it was the way my mother called my name, 0:13:16.160 --> 0:13:20.200 you know, she said a full name is like oh attention, right, 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:25.280 Like how how is this person able to distinguish between 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:32.560 like joke and serious? In your discomfort, you are sort 0:13:32.600 --> 0:13:38.240 of participating and keeping it going. There's a saying one 0:13:38.360 --> 0:13:41.680 bad apple doesn't spoil the bunch. And as I think 0:13:41.720 --> 0:13:45.760 about this, I think about the strawberries and my refrigerator 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:49.280 that I discover. You know, you find a little mold 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:51.840 on one, and guess what, you come back the next 0:13:51.960 --> 0:13:54.560 day five are covered in mo You come back the 0:13:54.559 --> 0:13:58.000 next day, have to container, and so on and so forth. 0:13:58.080 --> 0:14:01.240 So maybe a bad apple doesn't spoil bunch, but some 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:05.920 bad fruit in a bunch does spoil the whole basket. 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:13.319 Him being in this situation with people of varying maturity levels, 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:19.360 varying experiences. It is dangerous for a group dynamic because 0:14:19.400 --> 0:14:23.320 what happens is it creates the group culture. There are 0:14:23.400 --> 0:14:26.040 so there are so many you know, articles and books 0:14:26.080 --> 0:14:29.360 on this, Like group culture is really important. You think 0:14:29.400 --> 0:14:33.040 about in a workplace, if everybody is this grun told 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:37.120 and a happy person comes in, eventually this happy person 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:40.320 has to be less happy or they have to leave 0:14:40.360 --> 0:14:43.880 the space. They can't stand that environment because they have 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:46.240 to be a part of the environment. So if you 0:14:46.320 --> 0:14:52.120 have someone infecting a group dynamic, yeah, everybody else kind 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:54.200 of has to join in to be a part of that, 0:14:54.400 --> 0:14:58.440 or you will have people leaving because they don't want 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:00.640 to be a part of it. I want to share 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:05.480 a quote from the book The Art of Gathering. You 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:09.200 will have begun to gather with purpose when you learn 0:15:09.280 --> 0:15:12.560 to exclude with purpose, when you learn. 0:15:12.400 --> 0:15:15.080 To close doors. 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:20.920 Everyone cannot be a part of the gathering. They cannot 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:24.440 be a part of the group, They cannot be a 0:15:24.560 --> 0:15:28.720 part of the clique. That's why we have the word group. 0:15:29.240 --> 0:15:31.320 We wouldn't have the word group if everybody could be 0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:36.359 in it, it would be called everybody. So this group, 0:15:36.760 --> 0:15:40.680 what is the tone of the group. What is the 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:45.400 purpose of the group, What is the vibe of the group? 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:49.760 If it's to gather, be respectful, have a great time, 0:15:50.000 --> 0:15:53.600 celebrate moments in life, how is this person. 0:15:53.760 --> 0:15:57.240 Contributing to the role of the group. 0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:03.240 It sounds like there is it's something. 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:03.080 They're taken away from it. 0:16:03.080 --> 0:16:06.320 It doesn't sound like a value add So it's not that, 0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:09.240 oh my gosh, I can't have a relationship with this person. 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:10.640 But perhaps this. 0:16:10.560 --> 0:16:13.880 Person doesn't need to be in the group dynamic. Perhaps 0:16:13.920 --> 0:16:18.200 there is, you know, another setting and which you need 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:20.280 to be involved. Maybe you can go hang out with 0:16:20.320 --> 0:16:23.400 this person in their group. Maybe there's a group of 0:16:23.520 --> 0:16:26.240 totally offensive people that they hang out with and you 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:26.760 want to be a. 0:16:26.720 --> 0:16:27.560 Part of that group. 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:32.400 But as for your group, it sounds like there is 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:35.240 a mismatch and fit. 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:39.480 This guy doesn't seem to understand that there's a time 0:16:39.880 --> 0:16:43.040 and place for things, and it's a bit embarrassing, especially 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:47.600 because we're nearing thirty, starting families, et cetera. I want 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:49.960 to preserve what the friendship is because it's a really 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:52.600 special bond between us, But at the same time, I'm 0:16:52.600 --> 0:16:55.040 starting to think this is unacceptable and I don't really 0:16:55.040 --> 0:16:57.960 want to be closely associated with him and lose other 0:16:58.000 --> 0:17:01.840 friends and acquaintances as we age. If I could, I 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:04.640 would probably break off the friendship with him, but it's 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:07.600 just not my decision to make, and there are only 0:17:07.640 --> 0:17:10.080 one or two others who feel similarly to me about him. 0:17:10.880 --> 0:17:13.240 He'll always be around and at our functions and when 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:16.320 we're talking one on one. He's actually a pretty smart 0:17:16.359 --> 0:17:19.239 and good guy, but it's impossible to get through out 0:17:19.240 --> 0:17:21.240 to him about his behavior when he's getting egged on 0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:24.600 or is excited, etc. I'm not sure how to preserve 0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:27.159 our friend group dynamic while at the same time not 0:17:27.240 --> 0:17:30.199 pushing away other people or having this gross mindset be 0:17:30.240 --> 0:17:33.080 all the groups about. Just wanted to try my shot 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:35.840 at getting any advice. Thanks for any help you may have. 0:17:38.840 --> 0:17:42.280 I'm hearing more of a reason for a one on one. 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:44.440 There are some people who just don't fit the tone 0:17:44.480 --> 0:17:47.439 of a setting, and it doesn't mean that they can't 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:50.639 be in the setting, but you can't be in this group. 0:17:51.800 --> 0:17:53.919 We only want the best kickers on this team. So 0:17:53.960 --> 0:17:56.159 it sounds like you are good with hands, not feet. 0:17:56.760 --> 0:18:01.359 You know, it's okay to have a little bit of 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:05.320 a value system for the groups that we're in or 0:18:05.359 --> 0:18:09.600 to have some similarities of people. That's what makes it 0:18:09.840 --> 0:18:13.840 a group. And if this person no longer fits into 0:18:14.080 --> 0:18:18.000 what the group is about, spend some time with them 0:18:18.040 --> 0:18:21.760 one on one, get to know them in a different setting. 0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:25.480 I want to say here that you know, I think 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:32.639 sometimes the way that some folks social anxiety shows up 0:18:33.440 --> 0:18:38.720 is in the way of being overactive in a group dynamic, 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:41.679 maybe having a little bit too much to drink and 0:18:41.760 --> 0:18:46.359 becoming like this funny, offensive person. Like that's the way 0:18:46.840 --> 0:18:49.560 that I know how to show up and be comfortable 0:18:49.720 --> 0:18:53.119 and just kind of sitting back and letting everybody talk 0:18:53.200 --> 0:18:56.960 and somebody else, you know, kind of manage the conversation. 0:18:57.200 --> 0:18:59.399 Can be a challenge. Now, I'm not giving this person 0:18:59.400 --> 0:19:04.280 an outer or man excuse. I'm just adding a reason, right, Like, 0:19:04.359 --> 0:19:06.960 there could be some other things going on, So he 0:19:07.200 --> 0:19:09.240 just might not be good in a group dynamic and 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:12.520 might be a great guy. You'll have to find that 0:19:12.560 --> 0:19:16.840 out by building this one on one relationship with him. 0:19:17.119 --> 0:19:20.640 But what you will not do is come in and 0:19:20.960 --> 0:19:25.480 spoil the rest of my blueberries, because we have to 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:27.920 pluck you out of here. We have to keep this 0:19:28.000 --> 0:19:31.480 whole curtain fresh, and so you've got to go. Now 0:19:31.520 --> 0:19:34.560 where you go, we can decide maybe, you know, there 0:19:34.600 --> 0:19:37.560 is some other space for us. Maybe there are you know, 0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:40.080 one or two people from this group, and then you 0:19:40.119 --> 0:19:43.560 start another group, or maybe it's just you and this 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:47.200 fella and you figure out what the relationship is at 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:53.800 this point. It is great to have historical relationships. I 0:19:53.880 --> 0:19:56.119 love them. I mean, I have a few friends I 0:19:56.160 --> 0:20:00.720 could call right now and we can have a our long, 0:20:00.840 --> 0:20:04.199 key key about Remember that time that girl drop that 0:20:04.240 --> 0:20:07.120 book off your desk and you said, oh my gosh, oh, 0:20:07.760 --> 0:20:12.199 I love a good historical friendship where we could just 0:20:12.320 --> 0:20:15.080 you know, we could talk about these things. Are these 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:19.040 things that are in the past, nobody else understands. They're 0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:21.840 so funny to us, even you know, sometimes we'll try 0:20:21.840 --> 0:20:23.879 to pull other people into the story and it's just 0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:24.720 not funny to them. 0:20:25.000 --> 0:20:25.920 They were not there. 0:20:26.400 --> 0:20:29.560 They don't have context, so it's not the same. But 0:20:30.359 --> 0:20:34.840 I get it. You know, the stories and the situations 0:20:34.880 --> 0:20:38.240 you've been through with certain people. It is a huge 0:20:38.320 --> 0:20:42.720 part of the relationship. There is someone else, though, who 0:20:42.760 --> 0:20:45.439 holds that history, and if not, you may have to 0:20:45.600 --> 0:20:52.040 get into the retelling of some old stories because keeping 0:20:52.119 --> 0:20:55.960 this person because they know that nineteen year old, twenty 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:59.480 year old version of you, and it's no longer a 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:02.240 good fit for who you are at twenty eight. You know, 0:21:02.480 --> 0:21:04.840 it compose a challenge. You know, what happens when you 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:07.320 all are thirty two, What happens when you're forty? What 0:21:07.440 --> 0:21:10.400 happens if someone has kids and you have to bring 0:21:10.440 --> 0:21:13.560 this person around who's saying ruda inappropriate? You know, like, 0:21:15.440 --> 0:21:18.080 I think it could get, you know, worse in some 0:21:18.119 --> 0:21:23.000 ways if it's not a situation that's really addressed head 0:21:23.080 --> 0:21:28.639 on the passive, you know, sort of, Oh, this is humor. 0:21:32.200 --> 0:21:34.639 I have a really good sense of humor. I mean 0:21:35.160 --> 0:21:39.280 from I watch all sorts of comedy, from the Office 0:21:39.440 --> 0:21:44.080 to Curb Your Enthusiasm to Kat Williams to Kevin Hart. Like, 0:21:44.320 --> 0:21:49.400 I love humor, and I think sometimes when we are 0:21:49.440 --> 0:21:54.880 in one on one conversations, we take mean comments as 0:21:55.000 --> 0:21:59.760 humor because we don't want to believe that this person 0:21:59.840 --> 0:22:05.439 is actually mean. I don't think that Kevin Hart is 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:08.960 being mean to his friends and family, Like I think 0:22:09.040 --> 0:22:13.680 he's telling jokes, and he's probably telling them on stage, 0:22:14.200 --> 0:22:20.359 but he's not actually making comments about somebody's you know, 0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:23.960 I hope not, you know, because that's not a good joke. 0:22:24.119 --> 0:22:24.719 It's just me. 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:28.359 It's not a good joke. And the humor in it 0:22:28.400 --> 0:22:32.639 is discomfort. It's like, because we do laugh when it's uncomfortable, 0:22:32.680 --> 0:22:34.560 it's like, what else do you do? Sometimes we just 0:22:34.600 --> 0:22:37.200 stand there, we stare at people. But there are other 0:22:37.280 --> 0:22:40.360 times where we laugh to sort of deflect. But that 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:47.359 laughing is really like encouragement. Let's stop looking at mean 0:22:47.560 --> 0:22:54.400 comments as humor statements. There is a big difference. And 0:22:55.359 --> 0:23:00.560 I'm trying to be harmful and I'm trying to be funny. 0:23:01.280 --> 0:23:05.480 There are some things that people are saying that make 0:23:05.600 --> 0:23:11.080 us uncomfortable. We're unwilling to confront them, and so we 0:23:11.200 --> 0:23:13.160 try to laugh it off. 0:23:14.040 --> 0:23:14.919 There is. 0:23:18.200 --> 0:23:23.719 Space for us to have some uncomfortable conversations with people 0:23:23.880 --> 0:23:27.960 that might make us more uncomfortable. Right, we will be 0:23:28.119 --> 0:23:32.159 the person who's like, now we want to laugh because 0:23:32.160 --> 0:23:37.920 we're so uncomfortable. But it is necessary. We cannot avoid 0:23:38.240 --> 0:23:42.320 these hard topics with people because what happens is it's 0:23:42.359 --> 0:23:46.560 been nine years. It's turned into nine years of this 0:23:46.680 --> 0:23:52.040 person being a group offender. It has gone from oh 0:23:52.080 --> 0:23:55.399 my gosh, he's saying these things and we're teenagers and 0:23:55.440 --> 0:23:58.960 it's a little bit funny to wow, he is really 0:23:59.520 --> 0:24:05.439 offending people. You ended your letter with, I'm not sure 0:24:05.560 --> 0:24:08.879 how to preserve our friend group dynamic while at the 0:24:08.960 --> 0:24:13.120 same time not pushing away other people or having this 0:24:13.880 --> 0:24:18.160 gross mindset be what all the group is about. 0:24:19.200 --> 0:24:22.560 Yeah, I'm not. 0:24:22.520 --> 0:24:25.800 Sure you'll be able to do both in this situation, 0:24:26.040 --> 0:24:29.720 preserve the group and have this person in it. It 0:24:29.840 --> 0:24:32.520 sounds like you've been doing that for nine years and 0:24:32.560 --> 0:24:35.840 it hasn't worked. And when something doesn't work, we are 0:24:35.920 --> 0:24:38.800 called to do a new thing, even when we don't 0:24:38.840 --> 0:24:43.160 want to do that new thing. It would be unwise 0:24:43.200 --> 0:24:47.000 of us to continue to do something in the same 0:24:47.080 --> 0:24:50.120 way expecting a different result. 0:24:50.359 --> 0:24:51.200 And sometimes we. 0:24:51.240 --> 0:24:54.960 Do that because doing anything just a little bit different 0:24:55.080 --> 0:24:59.000 is a huge discomfort. It is, you know, it's a 0:24:59.080 --> 0:25:05.119 huge discomfort to say every year we have this, you know, 0:25:05.280 --> 0:25:09.040 big Saint Patrick's blowout, and this year. 0:25:10.320 --> 0:25:11.680