WEBVTT - EP 93: Therapy 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:05.760 When I wrote, y'all all across the USC conton lots 0:00:06.360 --> 0:00:10.719 bake to l a from on the California the Valley. 0:00:11.280 --> 0:00:14.360 We represent that Kelly County. So if you're keeping it 0:00:14.400 --> 0:00:17.160 real on your side of your town, you tune into 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:22.919 Gangster Chronicles Gangsters. He's gonna tell you how we go. 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:26.440 If I lie my nose will girl like Pinocchio, We're 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:29.200 gonna tell you to choose in nothing but the Gangster 0:00:29.440 --> 0:00:33.760 cronic goals. This is not your average show. You're now 0:00:33.880 --> 0:00:37.199 tuned into the rail M C. E. Bick, James and 0:00:37.280 --> 0:00:45.640 Big Spills from the streets. Hello, where are you at? 0:00:46.320 --> 0:00:49.880 This is o G Gangster Granny and the Gangster Chronicles 0:00:49.960 --> 0:00:53.720 podcast is back in effect. Get ready for some of 0:00:53.760 --> 0:00:58.680 that G ship and bleeds up. Some wanna merrow. We 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:01.640 like the welcome every one to another episode against the 0:01:01.720 --> 0:01:05.760 Chronicles podcast and I want my homeboys of course, Jim 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:09.200 and Man. You know, I wanted to talk about man 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:11.399 mental health in the black community. It's a lot of 0:01:11.400 --> 0:01:14.119 stuff going on. You have, um, a lot of people 0:01:14.200 --> 0:01:17.679 losing jobs right now, a lot of people not being 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:19.880 able to really go on to earn they keep because 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:22.399 all these restrictions and I know in places like the 0:01:22.440 --> 0:01:25.200 soft and everything else, everything is pretty much opened up 0:01:25.200 --> 0:01:27.520 and everything, but some people still have to be cautious. 0:01:27.920 --> 0:01:29.720 And we got a lot of businesses and stuff that's 0:01:29.760 --> 0:01:32.200 closing down. And it's kind of like a stigma in 0:01:32.200 --> 0:01:35.120 our communities to talk about mental health because if you 0:01:35.160 --> 0:01:37.560 tell the motherfucker you're gonna go see a psychiatrist, they 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:41.600 look at you like you're crazy. Why do you keeping 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:44.040 one hunt? I had a psychas in the third grade. 0:01:44.200 --> 0:01:47.039 Motherfucker didn't teach me nothing, didn't tell me nothing, and 0:01:47.080 --> 0:01:51.240 couldn't change my mind about nothing. Uh. I think it 0:01:51.360 --> 0:01:53.880 was a waste of money. You know, I'm like this 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:58.040 and keeping it one hunting and and I ain't prejudiced, 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.720 but I ain't. Nobody that don't know me, especially a 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:04.400 white man, get inside of my head and tell me 0:02:04.400 --> 0:02:07.040 who the funk I am? And you just met me 0:02:07.160 --> 0:02:09.560 that day and then you're gonna die And notice me 0:02:09.639 --> 0:02:12.920 that fat you don't know me like that isn't even 0:02:12.960 --> 0:02:16.399 as a child. So I didn't bite into that bullet ship. 0:02:16.880 --> 0:02:20.200 You know what I'm saying, Draw this square, trade the 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:23.280 circle and and they sit in the room and watch 0:02:23.360 --> 0:02:26.080 you do it. I put every motherfucking thing on the table, 0:02:26.760 --> 0:02:28.400 try and go. And I took the pens when I 0:02:28.480 --> 0:02:31.839 trade that ship and just sit there. Done in three 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:34.920 minutes and we're just sitting there. You know. You know 0:02:35.000 --> 0:02:37.520 the thing is, though, James, I feel what you're saying 0:02:37.560 --> 0:02:40.440 because you was eight years old at the time, he said, Right, 0:02:41.600 --> 0:02:43.680 So I know it's an eight year old and maybe 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:46.560 hard to process. Um, how would that be of help 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:49.440 to me? You see what I'm saying. But I do 0:02:49.560 --> 0:02:51.960 think sometimes people just need somebody to talk to. Bro 0:02:52.639 --> 0:02:57.640 maybe maybe some people, and it depends, and it depends 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:02.120 on that person's situation. But mansa situations, I'm going back 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:06.360 into the same motherfucking environment that I left when I 0:03:06.400 --> 0:03:09.160 came up here, you know what I'm saying. So after 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:13.600 hour session, I'm going back home. I still gotta look 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:16.320 at this monster that that feels like he wanted with 0:03:16.560 --> 0:03:18.600 my ass. I still got to go back to the 0:03:18.639 --> 0:03:21.960 neighborhood and figure out how much deal with these five 0:03:22.040 --> 0:03:25.240 little cats, thinking since we're the new kid on the block, 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:30.280 that they can funk with me. Thinking, okay, I showed him. 0:03:30.320 --> 0:03:32.919 If if y'all folks with that motherfucker, he's gonna I 0:03:33.000 --> 0:03:36.120 ain't gonna let him chage me with no butcher knives 0:03:35.720 --> 0:03:39.080 and ship like that. So I mean, it just it 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:44.280 just wouldn't work for me. So you was chasing who 0:03:44.440 --> 0:03:50.920 who um James? Who came up with suggestion to take 0:03:50.960 --> 0:03:55.640 you to a psychiatrist the the school, Stephen c I 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:59.480 figured that. So it was it wasn't mom or dad 0:03:59.600 --> 0:04:03.080 or to your cousin. It was somebody outside the family 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:05.440 circle who decided, all we need to send him to 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:08.760 us like growing up and the only thing you hear is, oh, 0:04:08.840 --> 0:04:14.960 he bad as a motherfucker. Uh, and that's we heard that. Yeah, 0:04:15.080 --> 0:04:19.599 but this is growing up here that you're bad, and 0:04:19.920 --> 0:04:23.600 not only from your family members, but people at the school, uh, 0:04:23.720 --> 0:04:27.000 the kids at school, just everybody saying it. So I 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:30.480 believe that you know what I'm saying. So I'm I'm 0:04:30.520 --> 0:04:36.479 I'm growing into this ship. So fighting the teacher and 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:40.760 busting her nose and then chasing catch with a bunch 0:04:40.800 --> 0:04:45.160 of knives because you ain't gonna work with me. Uh. 0:04:45.160 --> 0:04:48.320 His name was Mr Perez at the time, and he 0:04:48.600 --> 0:04:54.080 uh said he need counseling. So the school had me 0:04:54.200 --> 0:04:59.440 go to Compty Unified Counseling and I went to that ship, 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:04.200 and apparently they figured that my conversation wasn't worth nothing 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:06.560 and he gonna be what he is. They kicked me 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:09.440 out of company unified school district at eight years old. 0:05:09.800 --> 0:05:12.279 I couldn't go to company schools, so I had to 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:16.160 go to l A. And from l A to ship continued. 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:19.080 I would get kicked out of school every Wednesday. I 0:05:19.080 --> 0:05:22.240 don't know why it was a Wednesday, but it happened. 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:27.560 And uh my pops wanted to send me to a 0:05:27.760 --> 0:05:31.840 military school, figuring that I can be I can get 0:05:32.360 --> 0:05:36.080 help there. It never happened, so ship went on the 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:39.240 way it did. Now do you think that had they 0:05:39.279 --> 0:05:41.880 paid more attention to you, because it sounded like morning. 0:05:42.000 --> 0:05:43.760 Thing you know is you didn't need the whole square 0:05:43.800 --> 0:05:46.839 in the circle thing. You needed the motherfucker get to 0:05:46.839 --> 0:05:48.960 talk to you. Because sometimes with little kids, when they 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:51.479 ask no, it's kind of a cry for help. Well, 0:05:51.480 --> 0:05:54.080 I thought at that time I was gonna be able 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:59.680 to tell my story. Why am I going? I like this? 0:06:00.120 --> 0:06:03.200 But I didn't get those Why do you act the 0:06:03.200 --> 0:06:07.080 way you act? You know what I'm saying. I didn't 0:06:07.080 --> 0:06:09.440 get that. They went around and I don't know it 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:13.240 to make money or to work that clock or whatever. 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:15.960 But I didn't get that. I didn't get that. I 0:06:16.040 --> 0:06:19.320 never had a chance to talk to uh social workers, 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:22.000 you know, and everything that I saw it, it was 0:06:22.080 --> 0:06:25.720 like they beat it around the bush like the doctors, 0:06:26.120 --> 0:06:28.839 you know, going to the to the hospital at that time. 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:32.279 You know, he goes a kid with eight slashes here 0:06:32.279 --> 0:06:35.200 and eight right here, and I'm getting the stitches in 0:06:35.279 --> 0:06:41.200 my head bleeding like a motherfucker. You wonder we this 0:06:41.320 --> 0:06:44.080 kid adn't got this off, no dresser, you know what 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:48.200 I'm saying. And I'm I'm nervous and scared as the motherfucker. 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:50.599 You know, you didn't. You didn't get the help that 0:06:50.680 --> 0:06:54.799 you get today. You know what, My wife is actually 0:06:54.839 --> 0:06:57.960 in social work and that's her thing for kids. Shows 0:06:58.040 --> 0:07:01.000 up to her classroom, he should report to heard that 0:07:01.120 --> 0:07:03.159 this kid is coming in with welts on them, you know, 0:07:03.240 --> 0:07:07.240 black eyes and stuff. You can differentiate, the professors can 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:09.760 differentiate between the boy just being rough and you know 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:12.120 probably you know, busting his head open and black in 0:07:12.160 --> 0:07:15.200 his eye, between somebody abused him. Because what should have 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:18.200 happened is they should have spoke to you and asked you, hey, James, 0:07:18.480 --> 0:07:21.160 why are you so angry? What's going on? And what's 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:24.840 going on? The doctor said, how did he get these? 0:07:25.200 --> 0:07:28.120 And I looked at him. It was the worst his 0:07:28.240 --> 0:07:31.200 motherfucking look ever that looked at He gave me say something, 0:07:31.240 --> 0:07:33.840 I bush your motherfucker like he looked at me like that. 0:07:34.280 --> 0:07:36.440 But if he wasn't standing right there, I would have said, 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:38.880 that motherfucker right there hit me with somehow his shoes 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:42.480 and whatever he could, and if he didn't, went to jail, 0:07:42.520 --> 0:07:46.400 show bed see because didn't happen. So, you know, the 0:07:46.440 --> 0:07:50.880 whole persona you lashing out and everything like that. You know, um, 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:53.840 you becoming the bully, so to speaking to school, you know, 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:56.920 chasing people, butchering eyes, bombing on teachers and stuff. That's 0:07:56.920 --> 0:08:01.840 a defense mechanism. Well, it's the trickle down effect because 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:05.360 like you said that, the household was already declaring, oh, 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:08.320 it's a bad motherfucker right here because of probably the 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.679 abuse he was suffering at the hands of you know whatever, 0:08:11.800 --> 0:08:14.760 Pops or whatever. That's just gonna trickle down the fact 0:08:14.880 --> 0:08:17.560 to the next motherfucker. I don't go damn yeah. And 0:08:17.600 --> 0:08:20.840 we are always taught man as black men, to be quiet, 0:08:21.200 --> 0:08:23.480 don't say nothing about what goes in your house, because 0:08:24.000 --> 0:08:25.840 if you think about the way we got our asks 0:08:25.840 --> 0:08:27.800 put back in the day, they were consider abuse. Because 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:31.480 I tell my wife about some of the I used 0:08:31.520 --> 0:08:35.120 to you know, especially if you've got parents you know, 0:08:35.200 --> 0:08:38.160 who come from that that era. You know, back in 0:08:38.200 --> 0:08:41.760 the days that the rough life, the forties, the slaves ship, 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:44.880 all that, the abusive ship. And I used to get whooped. 0:08:45.080 --> 0:08:48.320 You feel me so me as a kid, my mom, 0:08:48.520 --> 0:08:51.040 you know, when I got in trouble or punishment, it 0:08:51.120 --> 0:08:54.040 wasn't looked at as abuse. I'm gonna go outside and 0:08:54.080 --> 0:08:56.080 grab a switch off the tree, and I'm gonnahoop your 0:08:57.679 --> 0:09:04.120 first switch anytime opposed to a stitching cord. No, I'm 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:06.800 talking about it. When you get an ass whooping with 0:09:06.840 --> 0:09:10.320 a stitching cord and they draw blood. I'm talking about 0:09:10.720 --> 0:09:17.360 over accessive. But you know, back then and and today, 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:21.120 you know, some people knew how far to go whooping 0:09:21.160 --> 0:09:25.520 their kids ass. But back then we got an ass whoopings. 0:09:25.559 --> 0:09:28.719 Maybe that's why we're different from this generation, you know 0:09:28.760 --> 0:09:30.680 what I'm saying, because they don't get their ass whooped 0:09:30.760 --> 0:09:33.720 like that. But I got the stitching cord. The high 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:38.719 heeled shoes, uh, the fist. I had to fight him, 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:41.480 you feel me. I had to fight my pops, you 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:43.400 know what I'm saying. I had to grab onto the 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:47.160 stitching cord and while this nigger got his chest his 0:09:47.280 --> 0:09:50.040 foot on my chest, you know, just trying to hit 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:52.920 me all different kind of ways. It didn't matter, you 0:09:52.960 --> 0:09:56.560 know what I'm saying, hold on whatever the fund because 0:09:57.120 --> 0:09:59.680 this ain't right, because I think we all had them 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:01.760 to a certain extent. Because I could never put that 0:10:01.800 --> 0:10:04.720 on my step pops. My step pops gave me his 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:06.800 last name, so I know he loved me. He did, 0:10:06.920 --> 0:10:09.480 you know, the stuff. But like he said, he was 0:10:09.520 --> 0:10:11.960 a motherfucker that was older than my mom. He was 0:10:11.960 --> 0:10:15.200 from Mississippi and he'd been working since he was nine 0:10:15.200 --> 0:10:17.520 and ten. And that's how they just got down, you 0:10:17.520 --> 0:10:19.360 know what I mean, That's how they got down. There 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:22.960 was no none sense, no talking back, yes sir, no sir, no, ma'am. 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:25.640 You know, so if I violated that, I ain't gonna 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:27.720 say he went as far as hitting me with stuff, 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:29.400 But I'm serio. He was my ask one day with 0:10:29.400 --> 0:10:33.240 a fishing pole dog and it's like it had wells 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:34.880 on me and I kind of put in my mind 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:36.920 and I'm not taking no more ask whoopons like that, 0:10:36.920 --> 0:10:38.800 because I was around fifteen at the time, and I 0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:41.840 started getting kind of huff. So one day he walked 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:43.600 up them stairs to my room because I kind of 0:10:43.600 --> 0:10:45.360 stayed in a little at it right in the third flour, 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:47.400 you know how, the house in the west. So he 0:10:47.480 --> 0:10:48.839 was walking up there and I see him with the 0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:50.839 rod and this hen first thing I did is kind 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:53.800 of pushed him back down the stairs and next thing 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:56.319 you know, he reaching for his pistol because he looking 0:10:56.360 --> 0:10:59.000 at me like like he wasn't shot, Like this motherfucking 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:00.960 is strong, and I didn't tell gonna. So at that 0:11:01.040 --> 0:11:02.480 point it was time for me to go with my 0:11:02.559 --> 0:11:04.439 real dad for a minute, because you can't be in 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:07.960 no another man's house and he's scared of you, because 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:10.640 that pretty much what had happened. So I think, just 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:13.160 back in the day, man, what I see in our 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:17.040 communities just this massive transference of pain. Somebody do something 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:20.120 to me. I'm gonna go do this this motherfucker, now, 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:22.920 why should he be exempt from it? And especially the 0:11:23.040 --> 0:11:25.320 kids that I felt like wasn't going through the same 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:27.800 ship that I was doing because it's a subconscious thing. 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:30.679 I believe we lashed out and transfer that pain that 0:11:30.720 --> 0:11:35.679 we're getting to somebody else. Well, I believe we have excuses. 0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:39.079 We use what we got going on in the house 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:42.560 as an excuse to do what we do. You know 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:45.520 what I'm saying. But my excuse was legit. I was 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:49.320 taught to be who I am. I was told who 0:11:49.360 --> 0:11:52.320 I am. I have to be. I was taught that, 0:11:52.960 --> 0:11:54.439 you know what I'm saying. I didn't have it no 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:58.520 other way. I couldn't. How can you be soft and 0:11:58.600 --> 0:12:03.839 you're going through ship like you know, picture getting the 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:07.000 ass whooping and your your wounds ain't even healed from 0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:11.440 the last one. That ship hurts when you get hit again. 0:12:14.000 --> 0:12:18.920 Oh no, I'm gonna have to kill. This is that limit? Man, 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:22.719 I ain't taking the most. That was my time right there. 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:25.760 And I think all of us man, as as black males, 0:12:26.000 --> 0:12:30.280 even our black women, we are taught to suppress everything. 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:33.480 Don't cry because I had a stepdad and tell me, 0:12:33.640 --> 0:12:35.959 don't start asking like a little bit to start crying. Yeah, 0:12:36.040 --> 0:12:40.559 that was the mottel. You couldn't have been no black 0:12:40.640 --> 0:12:43.400 dude from our raror a kid, or or a teenage 0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:46.840 or a young man and show no motherfucking tears. That's 0:12:46.880 --> 0:12:50.080 just gonna happen. Then you looked upon as a weak ass. 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:53.240 Motherfucking Then it don't matter what the situation is. You 0:12:53.360 --> 0:12:57.319 cannot cry, exactly because what that does when you're suppressing stuff, 0:12:57.360 --> 0:13:00.840 see stress as a motherfucker because you hold all that 0:13:00.840 --> 0:13:03.320 ship insides. You don't cry, you already talk, don't cry, 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:06.000 you don't look like no pump, and you're holding all 0:13:06.000 --> 0:13:10.640 this stuff in here. The next it's angry exactly. But 0:13:10.720 --> 0:13:12.880 check this out, though, James, it's the same ship, right, 0:13:13.280 --> 0:13:15.320 All that ship builds up inside of you. And what 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:18.240 happens when something builds up and eventually burst, right, So 0:13:18.280 --> 0:13:20.800 that's what happened. The next motherfucker, you cat, she might 0:13:20.800 --> 0:13:23.640 have did something real petty, like bumped into you, not 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:26.600 on purpose, not paying attention, step on your shoes. Next thing, 0:13:26.640 --> 0:13:30.160 you know, you over this dude whooping his ass because 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:33.120 he catching all the trauma that you don't been through. 0:13:34.480 --> 0:13:37.720 So it's a massive transference of pain. And so I 0:13:37.840 --> 0:13:40.640 really feel like the ship that you've done in your life, James, 0:13:40.640 --> 0:13:44.960 not making excuses, but you had legitimit pain. Like when 0:13:45.000 --> 0:13:46.360 I talked to you about some of the ships you've 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:48.960 been through, Bro, I'm like, man, that motherfucker should have 0:13:48.960 --> 0:13:52.880 been locked the funk up immediately. You know what I'm saying. 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:55.160 You just don't do no kid like that. It's like, 0:13:55.200 --> 0:13:57.840 and I think it all ultimately made us better. Father's right, 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:02.800 because a day ship, they really I mean, unless the 0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:06.679 motherfucker if you ended up dad buried in somebody, they 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:10.079 didn't really funk with it, like, especially in our neighborhoods 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:13.160 and in the kids and whatever. You know what I'm saying, 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:16.720 Like you said, out of fear of ship, I go 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.680 home and mother gonna fuck me up worse, sir, So 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.240 who am I to tell you? Get me at that? 0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:25.680 I gotta go home? You feel me, that's the fear 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:29.400 of the ship exactly, Because I remember, man, before I 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:31.920 got my graves to gathering stuff. Football pretty much saved 0:14:31.920 --> 0:14:35.360 my life. But I remember report cars would come to crib, right, 0:14:36.200 --> 0:14:38.720 and I would try to catch that report card before 0:14:38.800 --> 0:14:41.080 Pops picked it up or Moms picked up. You know, 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:43.600 moms picked it up. It wasn't that bad, right, But 0:14:43.640 --> 0:14:45.160 if Pops picked it up, and if he saw a 0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:47.280 deal on that motherfucker, I've learned how to change them 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:50.040 ds and the bees. You feel what I'm saying that 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:53.200 just manipulate the whole system, because it seemed like he 0:14:53.320 --> 0:14:56.040 just went extra hard on everything. But then me looking 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:59.040 back as a grown ass man, now I appreciate him 0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:00.840 a little bit more because us he did put a 0:15:00.840 --> 0:15:02.760 lot of good qualities to me as a man, like 0:15:02.800 --> 0:15:04.800 as far as like a man is supposed to go 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:06.200 to work and take care of his house, so you 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:08.480 ain't supposed to be living up off no woman. Because 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:10.960 every day, one thing about that motherfucker everything I saw 0:15:11.000 --> 0:15:13.160 his ass waking up at three in the morning, going 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:15.480 to work, not coming back home at six o'clock and 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:17.640 doing the same thing again. He watched the news a 0:15:17.680 --> 0:15:21.160 little bit whoops some asking them in between that if 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:23.440 he had to and do the same thing all over 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:26.400 again seven days a week, I didn't have that. I 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:29.520 had a grandbodt. I didn't have that either, James. My 0:15:29.680 --> 0:15:32.920 father was out of the house by time I was 0:15:33.880 --> 0:15:36.840 gang banging and claiming and all that. My pops was 0:15:36.880 --> 0:15:40.239 in another state. He left. You know, my mom's practically 0:15:40.320 --> 0:15:43.800 raised me, my sister, and my younger brother on her 0:15:43.840 --> 0:15:48.520 own in the streets, so she had to be the disciplinary. 0:15:48.640 --> 0:15:51.680 Like I said, we got the whoopings, we got the punishments, 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:55.320 we got the but not to disrespect Mars. But by 0:15:55.360 --> 0:15:57.680 the time, like you said, I was fifteen, I wasn't 0:15:57.680 --> 0:16:01.080 hearing ship. My rebellion came might of not having a 0:16:01.200 --> 0:16:05.000 motherfucking father and the household. You know, I talked to 0:16:05.080 --> 0:16:08.120 my pops every now and then or whatever, you know, 0:16:08.200 --> 0:16:11.560 maybe went on a vacation to where, you know, down 0:16:11.560 --> 0:16:14.520 the Oklahoma or wherever he was staying or with it. 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:16.840 But I didn't have a father in the house. So 0:16:16.960 --> 0:16:23.040 my rebellion came from not and being able to get me, uh, 0:16:23.200 --> 0:16:25.760 regulate with them, with the niggers down the block and 0:16:25.800 --> 0:16:28.280 all that. That's because I didn't have no pops in 0:16:28.280 --> 0:16:31.760 the house. So I don't know what the presidents would 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:34.800 have been. But a lot of rebellion and and ship 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:37.640 comes from niggas who don't have pops in the household. 0:16:38.320 --> 0:16:40.400 Exactly what will I would say? I say that all 0:16:40.400 --> 0:16:43.000 the time, man, And that's why with our father the 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:46.280 father program that we're establishing, because a lot of fathers 0:16:46.280 --> 0:16:48.920 do want to be involved. You've got some women that 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:51.440 don't want to, let you know, man, you know, do 0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:53.360 his job or whatever like that, you know what I'm saying, 0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:54.840 and keep him away from the kids because she got 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:57.200 a problem with him. And really, that's the worst thing 0:16:57.240 --> 0:16:59.320 a woman could do to their kids because it ain't 0:16:59.320 --> 0:17:02.240 a buckshure with They don't know no better either, because 0:17:02.680 --> 0:17:08.120 once the relationship goes sourd, she feeling bitter, she's feeling used. Uh, 0:17:08.359 --> 0:17:12.159 that's the only thing she have for leverage to to 0:17:12.280 --> 0:17:15.600 her the motherfucking you know what I'm saying. Like like me, 0:17:17.280 --> 0:17:21.560 it was a difference to me because I couldn't stand 0:17:21.560 --> 0:17:24.920 my mom's you know what I'm saying. My biggest gripe 0:17:24.960 --> 0:17:27.119 with her was how could you let him do this 0:17:27.200 --> 0:17:30.840 to me? You feel me? And no, she was sitting 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.120 there on the edge of the bed and watched this ship. 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:37.520 Wait a minute, you know it's natural that you project 0:17:38.640 --> 0:17:43.000 your kids, you know what I'm saying, And and I 0:17:43.040 --> 0:17:47.919 didn't get that. So I'm growing up and game banging 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:50.760 down is you know, and she's say something to me, 0:17:50.800 --> 0:17:52.840 I'll snap, bitch, I don't want to hear ship. Fuck 0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:54.879 you get the funk out of my motherfucker. You know 0:17:54.920 --> 0:17:57.879 what I'm saying. And it wouldn't till I went to 0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:01.800 prison that I had to just like check myself, you 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:06.000 know what I'm saying, Damn you know, and trying to 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:10.240 understand that she loved him more than she loved us, 0:18:11.119 --> 0:18:13.760 you know what I'm saying, or you know, her thinking 0:18:13.760 --> 0:18:16.240 that it was my fault and it ain't my fault. 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:21.360 You sucked another dude. If he's feeling like and I'm 0:18:21.400 --> 0:18:23.840 just keeping it one hunted, if he felt like I'm 0:18:23.840 --> 0:18:27.680 not his son, you must have been sucking around now here. 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:30.520 I gotta this dude coming to me telling me he 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:34.400 my pops. But really, in reality, I think I've been 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:38.760 damned that thirty fuck you two? What was you at 0:18:38.800 --> 0:18:43.800 one house? Getting my ass? Mother? A mother can't stop 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:48.040 you from I'm going to get my son, giving me 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:52.359 money and sliding ship to me. Come rescue me, motherfucker. 0:18:53.400 --> 0:18:56.960 So when when when when I went to prison, it 0:18:57.119 --> 0:19:00.359 changed everything. Prison taught me. Prison made me to like 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:03.440 realize a lot of ship, you know what I'm saying. 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:08.640 And from the day I got out of prison, everything 0:19:08.720 --> 0:19:11.399 I did I did for my mother because I felt 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:14.120 out older, because I put it through a lot of ship, 0:19:14.760 --> 0:19:18.520 you know. So it's just pretty much the ship I 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:21.520 learned from my grandfather. The rest of it is self taught, 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:25.280 you know what I'm saying. And I really felt like 0:19:25.320 --> 0:19:28.760 I can be this fucking monster, because once I started 0:19:28.800 --> 0:19:32.240 smelling the fear of motherfucker's and the and the running 0:19:32.240 --> 0:19:34.639 from me, and the and walking away from me and 0:19:34.720 --> 0:19:37.520 can't look at me, man, I felt like, Okay, I 0:19:37.560 --> 0:19:43.160 got these motherfucker's. You know, at that point, didn't it 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:46.040 didn't matter, you know what I'm saying. It didn't matter 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:49.159 to me, you know. And my mom used to just 0:19:49.200 --> 0:19:51.840 tell me, kick back, kick back, you need to relax 0:19:52.640 --> 0:19:54.760 other things. It's coming for you. You need to do this. 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:58.240 I didn't want to hear ship, But what where where mom, 0:19:58.320 --> 0:20:01.920 James are? I'm listening to mob James the whole time. 0:20:01.960 --> 0:20:04.720 I didn't want to hear nobody else. I wouldn don't 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:10.640 know snatching persons, I wouldn't know uh uh, climbing through 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:13.480 motherfucking windows. I was just a goddamn game banger, and 0:20:13.600 --> 0:20:16.960 I was happy being one. I would certified being one, 0:20:17.200 --> 0:20:19.320 and that's the only thing that meant to me. Hold 0:20:19.359 --> 0:20:25.920 that thought, brother, We'll be right back still James eight, 0:20:26.720 --> 0:20:29.000 y'all neggas better give me my fire dollars. I put 0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:31.480 that on the set. I need to go get me 0:20:31.560 --> 0:20:35.840 some water. Mirror my motherfucking feet fucking with me. Gangster 0:20:35.960 --> 0:20:40.280 chronicles of my ass pay granted her money, This gangster granny. 0:20:40.440 --> 0:20:44.399 Y'all know me? Where you at? This is the question 0:20:44.440 --> 0:20:47.639 for you. Do you think this gave you purpose in 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:51.080 the family? The gang banger? What you mean the purpose 0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:53.600 in the family? Like like, do you think, um, the 0:20:53.680 --> 0:20:55.960 gang banging gave you kind of like a reason to beat, 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:57.840 so to speak, and like a family, kind of like 0:20:57.880 --> 0:21:02.359 a family that you didn't have at home. No, it was, 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:05.680 it was. It really wasn't no difference. I'm in the hood. 0:21:05.720 --> 0:21:08.000 I'm hanging with the homies. I'm getting used to the homies. 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:11.560 I'm kicking it at the homies house. They just became 0:21:11.680 --> 0:21:15.359 part of because now everybody is hanging in my house, 0:21:16.080 --> 0:21:18.359 you know what I'm saying. And man, I got so 0:21:18.440 --> 0:21:22.200 many goddamn stories and and every cat that know me, 0:21:22.880 --> 0:21:25.159 if they come in my house at six seven o'clock 0:21:25.160 --> 0:21:27.919 in the morning, I'm pulling a rifle out the window. 0:21:28.119 --> 0:21:31.320 Find at their assoun think y'all know it's too early. 0:21:31.560 --> 0:21:36.280 I'm shooting them motherfucker's. But the hood gave me that. 0:21:38.040 --> 0:21:40.360 I ain't worried about it. I I ain't worried about being homeless. 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:43.200 I got somewhere to go, I'm gonna eat. I'm missing that, 0:21:43.359 --> 0:21:45.840 so I didn't. I wouldn't insecure about it because I 0:21:45.880 --> 0:21:49.120 had something to do. I'm on the block all damn day, 0:21:49.480 --> 0:21:51.960 hanging out, trying to you know, sell fucking rocks and 0:21:52.000 --> 0:21:57.240 ship so and then I had my two brothers, you 0:21:57.240 --> 0:22:00.359 know what I'm saying. So that was family, you know 0:22:00.400 --> 0:22:03.720 what I'm saying. And and you know, my sister's and 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:07.360 them were My little sister was with it. My other 0:22:07.440 --> 0:22:12.840