Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here, back for another episode as we, of
Speaker 1: course dive into the psychology of our twenties.
Speaker 2: How are you going? How have we all been? It's
Speaker 2: been a while since I asked that, and I'm not
Speaker 2: expecting an answer, since this is kind of just me
Speaker 2: in this room right now recording. But sometimes it feels
Speaker 2: nice to just imagine you on the other side, listening
Speaker 2: in your car or a work or the gym, whilester
Speaker 2: cleaning the house. I hope you're all doing amazing and
Speaker 2: there is something great you are looking forward to, or
Speaker 2: something you're especially grateful in life at the moment. This
Speaker 2: week's topic is a little bit heavy and might be
Speaker 2: rather intense for some people, perhaps very vulnerable and revealing,
Speaker 2: so I thought it would be nice to just start
Speaker 2: out with something positive to focus on before we jump
Speaker 2: straight in, because Today we are going to be talking
Speaker 2: about father wounds and the ways in which our relationship
Speaker 2: with our father within the family dynamic can lead to
Speaker 2: a lot of difficult beliefs, difficult emotions, difficult behaviors later
Speaker 2: in life. Father wounds are really complex and really difficult,
Speaker 2: and they emerge from a myriad of different experiences, mainly
Speaker 2: our fathers being absent in our childhood, being emotionally or
Speaker 2: physically unavailable, consistently prioritizing work over family, not taking on
Speaker 2: a positive and active role in our lives, perhaps being abusive.
Speaker 2: Anything that disrupted the dynamic or relationship between you the
Speaker 2: child and your father the caregiver can result in this
Speaker 2: form of unresolved trauma or disconnect. Divorce, cheating, alcoholism, a
Speaker 2: few other examples remarriage, having a new, younger family. These
Speaker 2: are all things that disturb or injure the connection and
Speaker 2: the attachment that we have with this important figure in
Speaker 2: our lives, and it can be really formative and impactful.
Speaker 2: People sometimes call it daddy issues. I don't love that term,
Speaker 2: especially in a clinical sense, because it's become very poppy,
Speaker 2: I guess, and I also think that it has been
Speaker 2: reduced to kind of shame women in particular for their sexuality.
Speaker 2: You know, she likes to have a lot of sex
Speaker 2: because she has daddy issues. It's a lot more complex
Speaker 2: than that, and I think this kind of language is
Speaker 2: quite deductive. As with anything that has to do with
Speaker 2: psychology and our mental health and our emotional state and
Speaker 2: our behaviors, their explanation is not always as simple or
Speaker 2: simplistic as we might hear on social media or as
Speaker 2: might be displayed online. And a lot of the time,
Speaker 2: our father wounds really only begin to be revealed as
Speaker 2: we grow older, especially in our early or late twenties,
Speaker 2: sometimes even later for some people, when we have left
Speaker 2: the orbit of our family, we have flown the nest.
Speaker 2: We are beginning to see what may have been normal
Speaker 2: for other people that was not the case for ourselves.
Speaker 2: I think we are given both the gift and the
Speaker 2: curse of hindsight and the ability to compare our childhood
Speaker 2: history with our friends' experiences. And when we do that,
Speaker 2: often if you are someone who has a father wound,
Speaker 2: a gap emerges. You begin to see that you might
Speaker 2: not just be an angry person or a sad person,
Speaker 2: or a reactive person, or someone who lacks confidence and
Speaker 2: trust in themselves. It's actually a lot deeper than that,
Speaker 2: and the truth is contained in our childhood memories. It's
Speaker 2: not all about your personality. You were not destined to
Speaker 2: be this individual. There was something that emerged between you
Speaker 2: and your caregiver that has created a whole, patent, whole
Speaker 2: flow on effect of things that as an adult you're
Speaker 2: only now just working through. I think as we grow
Speaker 2: into our adult selves, we often become a lot more
Speaker 2: reflective and critical of our childhood experiences. We think back
Speaker 2: on the things that we had to accept or at
Speaker 2: least tolerate as children when we were dependent on our caregivers,
Speaker 2: when we were powerless and vulnerable, and now as independent people,
Speaker 2: we can be a bit more honest about it because
Speaker 2: we don't need to be kind of in a survival mode.
Speaker 2: That honesty often reveals things that we have suppressed or
Speaker 2: avoided thinking about for a long time out of a
Speaker 2: need for self preservation. We didn't know what we know now.
Speaker 2: We were just kids who accepted the standard that was
Speaker 2: set for us, and we didn't yet have the cognitive
Speaker 2: or the mental skills to kind of rationalize our experiences
Speaker 2: and have an adult understanding of what occurred or we
Speaker 2: felt was pain. And this can be a really scary
Speaker 2: thing to unpack because we don't like to see our parents,
Speaker 2: our fathers as being fallible or even human. For so long,
Speaker 2: they have this almost godlike status in our minds. They
Speaker 2: can do anything, say anything, They are everything. So it
Speaker 2: feels strange to think that this person who we entrusted
Speaker 2: with all of our needs may have done something to
Speaker 2: harm us, either knowingly or unknowingly. Unconsciously as well, we
Speaker 2: may not even realize that this is what has happened,
Speaker 2: and that there are certain dysfunctional habits or patterns romantic
Speaker 2: relationships and our professional careers, in our friendships that all
Speaker 2: come back to our childhood. There is a lot of
Speaker 2: resentment perhaps that comes up later in life when your
Speaker 2: parents do get older and you suddenly realize that you
Speaker 2: have to take care of them and there are certain
Speaker 2: things that you haven't quite worked through, or maybe you
Speaker 2: are about to become a parent, you are considering having children,
Speaker 2: and you're like, I don't want to repeat what I experienced.
Speaker 2: There's a sense of inadequacy because there was never a
Speaker 2: good example set for you. There is so much to
Speaker 2: be said about the impact that these wounds have and
Speaker 2: there is a lot of misinformation. They have become this idea,
Speaker 2: this concept of father wounds has become somewhat of a buzzword,
Speaker 2: and with that we often become detached from what is
Speaker 2: really occurring in our unconscious, subconscious minds on a very
Speaker 2: psychological and emotional level. We aren't exactly clear on what
Speaker 2: it means to have a father wound from an attachment perspective,
Speaker 2: and we aren't exactly clear on where to go from there.
Speaker 2: How do we work through this on our own, maybe
Speaker 2: with our family with a romantic partner. Is forgiveness the
Speaker 2: best policy? I don't think so. I think it requires
Speaker 2: more than that. There is an acknowledgment of our father
Speaker 2: wounds that at some point we're all going to have
Speaker 2: to do, We're all going to have to reflect on,
Speaker 2: and I want to talk about it today, starting of course,
Speaker 2: with a theoretical premises for why these occur. So a
Speaker 2: lot of the research that father wounds are based around
Speaker 2: comes back to attachment theory, one of the most well known,
Speaker 2: I think concepts and doctrines in psychology. I'm sure we've
Speaker 2: all heard of it before, but for a brief refresher.
Speaker 2: Attachment theory was first introduced by two psychologists, John Bolby
Speaker 2: and Mary Ainsworth, and it followed their observations of children,
Speaker 2: specifically like quite young children, infants almost and they expose
Speaker 2: these infants to these situations in where which their parents
Speaker 2: were absent, or they were approached by a stranger, or
Speaker 2: they were left in a strange situation, and they observed
Speaker 2: their interactions and from that they came to this conclusion
Speaker 2: that the child's relationship with their caregiver would predict how
Speaker 2: they behaved in this strange situation, and from their behaviors,
Speaker 2: we could categorize these children into attachment styles. As children,
Speaker 2: we have some very core physical, emotional, mental, even social
Speaker 2: needs and we are entirely reliant on our parents to
Speaker 2: fulfill these for us. This of course includes the need
Speaker 2: for security, the need for emotional safety, and availability for comfort,
Speaker 2: for food, for love. Not every parent meets their children's
Speaker 2: needs in the same way or in the way that
Speaker 2: their child requires. It is just a sad fact of life.
Speaker 2: Some people do not know how to be parents, They
Speaker 2: do not know how to provide for their children, and
Speaker 2: this is often very generational. Our parents, our fathers, behave
Speaker 2: the way that they did and that they do because
Speaker 2: of how their parents acted, who were the way that
Speaker 2: they were because of their upbringing, and that can get
Speaker 2: passed down to us through parenting styles, and the cycle
Speaker 2: continues through the impact on our behaviors. When we perhaps
Speaker 2: want to or do have our own children, the only
Speaker 2: model that we have for a parent child relationship is dysfunctional.
Speaker 2: How our needs were met or not met in childhood
Speaker 2: affects how we relate to ourselves and others in relationships,
Speaker 2: in parenting, in friendships, when it comes to our self esteem,
Speaker 2: our independence, our ability to deal with conflict, and so
Speaker 2: much more. Now, according to attachment theory, people who grew
Speaker 2: up with supportive and present caregivers are more likely to
Speaker 2: develop a secure attachment style. That's about sixty five percent
Speaker 2: of us according to recent estimates. By contrast, those with
Speaker 2: less engaged care givers, possibly people who have a father wound,
Speaker 2: we are more likely to develop an insecure attachment style,
Speaker 2: such as an avoidant or an anxious attachment style. A
Speaker 2: father wound can contribute to these forms of insecure attachment,
Speaker 2: and it is what it sounds like. It is an
Speaker 2: emotional mark, a scar, psychological scar, left from an experience
Speaker 2: that maybe caused us pain, some emotional discomfort and distress.
Speaker 2: Even if we didn't realize it until much later on,
Speaker 2: some kind of damage was done. And so when you
Speaker 2: go out into the world and want to form attachments
Speaker 2: with people who are not your caregivers, the only basis
Speaker 2: you have for what that should look like is the
Speaker 2: attachment you have with your parents. They are our role
Speaker 2: model for relationships. And when we're talking about father wounds,
Speaker 2: they are our role model for relationships with men. You know,
Speaker 2: Freud and Jung talk about this a lot, talked about
Speaker 2: this a lot. Sorry past tense, but we really do
Speaker 2: use our parental relationships a blueprint for our adult relationships
Speaker 2: with the same or the opposite gender. I know this
Speaker 2: sounds quite strange, but really, as children, we learn through
Speaker 2: observation and we learn through experience, and we learn to
Speaker 2: mimic what we experienced as children with you know, a
Speaker 2: member of the opposite sex or the same sex, normally
Speaker 2: our mother or our father, and we take that through
Speaker 2: our lives. Our fathers are our first example of what
Speaker 2: we think men are like, how they behave, how they
Speaker 2: treat us. There are innate character and qualities If you
Speaker 2: have an angry father, you will think that all men
Speaker 2: are angry. If you had an absent father, you naturally
Speaker 2: conclude that all men have this innate tendency to leave
Speaker 2: and abandon you, to not give you affection or attention
Speaker 2: unless they're trying to win your approval or apologize. If
Speaker 2: you had a father who left the family, who cheated,
Speaker 2: who started a new family, you assume that this is
Speaker 2: in built to male destiny because you don't have any
Speaker 2: other examples to base it off, at least no other
Speaker 2: examples that are that clear and obvious to you, that
Speaker 2: are that kind of personal. And this is kind of
Speaker 2: the father's role. This is the father archetype, the one
Speaker 2: that is set by your parent, and therefore the male archetype. Right,
Speaker 2: you don't know to expect differently. You don't know anything else,
Speaker 2: even if you had other males present in your life.
Speaker 2: The father, your father, is the one you look up
Speaker 2: to the most. And so that womb that is left
Speaker 2: from a damaging interactional relationship begins to expand beyond just
Speaker 2: your thoughts into how you treat men, into how you
Speaker 2: engage in relationships with men, into how you treat yourself.
Speaker 2: But also just people in general. It differs from the
Speaker 2: mother wound primarily just in the role that a mother
Speaker 2: typically plays versus the father. The major distinction does really
Speaker 2: come down to societal expectations. These expectations might not be
Speaker 2: correct or ideal, but gender roles do still dictate what
Speaker 2: fathers are asked to provide compared to mothers, whereby mothers
Speaker 2: provide a lot of emotional safe for their children, a
Speaker 2: lot of the care, the comfort, the kind words. Whereas
Speaker 2: fathers are typically seen as physical providers or protectors, advice givers,
Speaker 2: financial providers as well, they're often seen as more tough
Speaker 2: or disciplinary. It doesn't mean that that is always the case.
Speaker 2: I want to say that it doesn't mean that it
Speaker 2: should be the case. But often when a father is
Speaker 2: absent or emotionally physically unavailable, you know, maybe struggling with
Speaker 2: their own things, distant because of a divorce, whatnot, we
Speaker 2: can still go to our mother for emotional comfort because
Speaker 2: that is who we would normally seek out. It doesn't
Speaker 2: mean that we don't still want the approval of our father.
Speaker 2: We still want the support this figure offers in our lives.
Speaker 2: If you felt unloved, unknown, unwanted by your father from
Speaker 2: an early age. This really influences how you see yourself
Speaker 2: because a lot of these things happen during a really
Speaker 2: formative emotional chapter for us, when we are developing things
Speaker 2: like our self esteem and our self conscert and father
Speaker 2: absenteeism makes you think that something is wrong with you,
Speaker 2: makes you think that you have done something that has
Speaker 2: made him not love you. And so as you grow up,
Speaker 2: you're constantly seeing men as these people who hurt you,
Speaker 2: but also seeking out the approval of men as a
Speaker 2: way to almost gain mastery over past pain or to
Speaker 2: show yourself that history will not be repeated. You don't
Speaker 2: have any other guide, You don't have any other source
Speaker 2: of information that is telling you to act differently. Actually,
Speaker 2: I think we should stop and talk about that for
Speaker 2: a second, because I feel like we need to lay
Speaker 2: down the exact behavioral or relational origins of these kinds
Speaker 2: of wounds, and the full span of behaviors that we
Speaker 2: might see is symptomatic of this kind of disorganized relationship.
Speaker 2: I think it is this tug of war between wanting
Speaker 2: your father's approval and presence and pushing away the desire
Speaker 2: to be reliant on him or to expect more than
Speaker 2: what he can offer, not wanting to be disappointed in him,
Speaker 2: therefore not wanting to be disappointed in other men. Our
Speaker 2: father wounds, as we said before, are the result of
Speaker 2: a distance, a breach, and expectations, you know, your father
Speaker 2: being unable to provide what he should and what we
Speaker 2: want him to provide. You know, it's commonly relates to
Speaker 2: fathers who were physically or emotionally absent, over protective, controlling,
Speaker 2: dealing with substance issues, verbally, physically, emotionally abusive, perhaps they
Speaker 2: even passed away when you're a child. As sad as
Speaker 2: it is, and I want to caveat this by saying,
Speaker 2: there are some things that it can you know, some
Speaker 2: of these things can occur and not necessarily result in
Speaker 2: the typical outcomes we associate with father wornes. I have
Speaker 2: friends whose fathers unfortunately passed away or who went to prison,
Speaker 2: or who have remarried, and they have not had the
Speaker 2: same struggles, you know, as other people have had. On
Speaker 2: the other hand, I have seen people who have had
Speaker 2: two loving parents who have gone on to really struggle
Speaker 2: with maintaining certain relationships and feelings secure about themselves. Trauma
Speaker 2: is accumulation of a lot of factors and predisposition and
Speaker 2: environments and personality. I think a lot of people view
Speaker 2: it as if X happens, why occurs? You know, if
Speaker 2: your father abandoned you, you are traumatized. It doesn't always
Speaker 2: work out that way. What we do observe about father
Speaker 2: wounds when they occur, though, is this So. I'm going
Speaker 2: to list a couple examples here of typical patterns that
Speaker 2: we would see in response. Firstly, people who have been
Speaker 2: negatively impacted by this relationship with their father might tend
Speaker 2: to repeat the pattern of their emotionally absent parent by
Speaker 2: pushing people away, by having incredibly rigid boundaries, self isolating
Speaker 2: because they are afraid of unreliable people, such as someone
Speaker 2: who replicates or appears like their father sneaking into their
Speaker 2: life through the cracks and hurting them. That might mean
Speaker 2: that you struggle connecting with people, you have fewer really
Speaker 2: close relationships. But as one article put it, this one
Speaker 2: therapist said it really well, the pain of feeling lonely
Speaker 2: sometimes to you is nothing compared to the pain you
Speaker 2: anticipate from someone letting you down the way your father did. Now,
Speaker 2: this is what we call an abandonment fear, and it's
Speaker 2: really common in these situations. Being let down hurts. Being
Speaker 2: rejected by a parent of all people hurts, and so
Speaker 2: by avoiding getting close to anyone, we avoid repeating that
Speaker 2: outcome that we associate with a lot of terrible psychological,
Speaker 2: mental emotional pain. On the other side of the coin,
Speaker 2: because we develop an understanding of how we should be
Speaker 2: treated based on our caregiver's behavior, we may be also
Speaker 2: used to emotionally unavailable or poor treatment from our fathers,
Speaker 2: and so when these things maybe appear in our adult
Speaker 2: romantic relationships, we already have a tolerance for them. We
Speaker 2: have been taught that they are acceptable. So you're not
Speaker 2: pushing people away, but you'll I don't want to say
Speaker 2: letting people in because it makes it sound like you're
Speaker 2: at fault here. But people are entering your life who
Speaker 2: might not treat you right or with respect, who are
Speaker 2: a manipulative, emotionally absent, mentally abusive, who remind you of
Speaker 2: your father. In another lay, we may also sustain a
Speaker 2: pattern of emotionally hollow or shallow relationships situationships and why
Speaker 2: is that?
Speaker 1: Well?
Speaker 2: Some psychotherapists would suggests that you may have an unconscious
Speaker 2: wish to repair the early father wound by having a
Speaker 2: relationship with a person that creates similar feelings and familiar
Speaker 2: feelings that you experienced from your childhood. So basically, what
Speaker 2: you're seeking out is a father type replacement, sometimes someone
Speaker 2: who is older, sometimes someone who replicates his same emotional, physical,
Speaker 2: mental patterns, because by doing that, what you're experiencing is
Speaker 2: something that is predictable. You already know the outcome because
Speaker 2: you're familiar with this kind of man. But the more
Speaker 2: you date these people, the more you feel like you
Speaker 2: can change them. And by changing the relationship you have
Speaker 2: with this person romantically, it feels like you have more
Speaker 2: power over the relationship you have with your father, because
Speaker 2: by controlling this current situation, it makes you feel like
Speaker 2: you could have had control over the past situation. Now,
Speaker 2: being in a relationship with someone consistent and reliable can
Speaker 2: actually feel potentially very emotionally threatening because we're not used
Speaker 2: to that, and so we tend to return to what
Speaker 2: we have become accustomed to, even if it's worse for us,
Speaker 2: even if the person is controlling or absent or demanding.
Speaker 2: This may also evolve from a place of poor self
Speaker 2: esteem and self confidence that manifests as a result of
Speaker 2: a father who made you feel undeserving and made you
Speaker 2: feel unlovable. Receiving love and acceptance from a caregiver, from
Speaker 2: a father, from our parents in general, is so important
Speaker 2: for developing our sense of self worth and self concept
Speaker 2: because the words they speak to us become our truth,
Speaker 2: and they teach us how to treat ourselves. So someone
Speaker 2: said this to me the other day, and it really
Speaker 2: hit the nail on the head. Each of us has
Speaker 2: an inner critic in our brain, in our mind saying
Speaker 2: negative things to us, Does that, in a critic sound
Speaker 2: like your mother or your father? I think that's really
Speaker 2: revealing of what kind of wound you might have, Or
Speaker 2: it might sound like someone else entirely. But when we're
Speaker 2: talking about father wounds, often the words that you hear
Speaker 2: yourself say to yourself sound a lot like the words
Speaker 2: that your father spoke to you as a child. It
Speaker 2: might tell us that we aren't worthy of love. That's
Speaker 2: why our father was absent. We are easily replaceable. That's
Speaker 2: why our father left. We are bad. That's why our
Speaker 2: father yelled at us. We are stupid. That's why our
Speaker 2: father criticized us. You might counteract this by trying really
Speaker 2: hard to be good, leaning on perfectionism and being the
Speaker 2: good kid, but still finding that nothing, no achievement, no
Speaker 2: positive affirmation, makes you feel good enough or worthy, because
Speaker 2: these negative beliefs are so deeply ingrained in you. Sometimes
Speaker 2: having another parent who speaks out against these things or
Speaker 2: fights back against this negativity with positivity can be really protective.
Speaker 2: But you know, there are just times when that inner
Speaker 2: critic is louder than our external cheerleader, and so we
Speaker 2: still want our father's approval. That is what we crave
Speaker 2: because we never got it. In men, especially who have
Speaker 2: a distant absence emotionally unavailable father, there is actually a
Speaker 2: specific name for this. It's known as father hunger, whereby,
Speaker 2: regardless of how they were treated and hurt, they still psychologically,
Speaker 2: on some level hunger after their father's approval and presence.
Speaker 2: Or they seek out male role models, male figures in teachers, mentors, bosses,
Speaker 2: as a replacement or a proxy for the love and
Speaker 2: support and encouragement their father deprived them of. My father
Speaker 2: never loved me, But here is this person who will
Speaker 2: Here is this male figure who can be his replacement,
Speaker 2: who can give me all the things that I was
Speaker 2: always looking to him for. I really think that we
Speaker 2: need to do more research on this, primarily with young
Speaker 2: boys and men, hopefully longitudinally as well, because I think
Speaker 2: logically this does make a lot of sense, right like
Speaker 2: boys admire and aspire to be their father's women take
Speaker 2: on the traits of their mothers. But I really want
Speaker 2: to look into where this attachment to an external icon
Speaker 2: comes from, how they choose the replacement. Another kind of
Speaker 2: pattern that is indicative of a father wound is that
Speaker 2: people find themselves lashing out as their fathers did, or
Speaker 2: they are so overwhelmed with rage and resentment that they
Speaker 2: can't control their emotional outbursts. It may also be because
Speaker 2: they have not been shown an example of how to
Speaker 2: self regulate, how to self soothe. There is this saying
Speaker 2: that if you grew up with an angry man in
Speaker 2: your house, there will always be an angry man in
Speaker 2: your house. Because you take on that rage, you become
Speaker 2: the angry man. You don't know any other way. And
Speaker 2: if your father got to be angry, by reclaiming that
Speaker 2: anger for yourself and being visibly angry at the world
Speaker 2: at others, you feel like you are no longer the target.
Speaker 2: You were the distributor of all the fury that was
Speaker 2: once directed towards you, and so it gives you back
Speaker 2: the power you never felt you had. Or it also
Speaker 2: is just this unresolved trauma trying to find an outlet
Speaker 2: through a dysfunctional coping mechanism. The sadness, the pain, the
Speaker 2: frustration has nowhere to go, and it builds up. It
Speaker 2: makes you feel terrible, and the way out of that
Speaker 2: is to be angry, and we can often trace that
Speaker 2: back to a father wound. And finally, kind of on
Speaker 2: a similar note, we have impulsive behaviors. You want to
Speaker 2: gain control over your life in a way that you
Speaker 2: may have been unable to do with a controlling or
Speaker 2: even an abuse father, and so you act out because
Speaker 2: it gives you the illusion of freedom. You do everything
Speaker 2: your dad said not to do, because that is one
Speaker 2: way to reinforce within yourself that he no longer has
Speaker 2: control over this adult version of you. You are no
Speaker 2: longer a child. That child version of you is gone.
Speaker 2: You are in charge now, and so almost as a
Speaker 2: delayed rebellion, you may do things that are quite self destructive,
Speaker 2: or engage in self sabotage because at least you now
Speaker 2: have a say, even if your actions aren't aligning with
Speaker 2: what you want, you get to be in control. I
Speaker 2: think this is where this stereotype of people with absent
Speaker 2: fathers having a lot of sex comes from. I just
Speaker 2: want to say, I looked into this, I searched, I researched,
Speaker 2: I deep dived. I did not find a single peer
Speaker 2: reviewed academic article that could confirm that stereotype for me.
Speaker 2: So I think we can kind of disregard it. Father
Speaker 2: wounds may result in more risk taking behavior, but that
Speaker 2: is not always related to sex.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: We could make this same an equal link to shoplifting
Speaker 2: if we want it, or dangerous driving. In terms of
Speaker 2: life outcomes, though, there has been some research academic research
Speaker 2: that has observed how children who grew up without a
Speaker 2: present father are more likely to drop out of school,
Speaker 2: more likely to spend time in jail. This was research
Speaker 2: conducted in the United States, though, I do think it's
Speaker 2: important to also consider things like intergenerational trauma, systemic racism,
Speaker 2: or social supports. I think that contributes both to father
Speaker 2: absenteeism and also childhood outcomes and adulthood outcomes. So I
Speaker 2: think when anytime we see like an article like that
Speaker 2: that's saying like, if this person has this, they will
Speaker 2: become this, we got to sit back and really examine
Speaker 2: that a little bit because it's not always as clear
Speaker 2: cut as that. We're also seeing research this paper actually
Speaker 2: out of Australia that suggests that absent fathers during childhood
Speaker 2: can negatively impact our social emotional development, particularly by increasing
Speaker 2: aggressive or attention seeking behaviors. That is something that we
Speaker 2: have already gathered from above. Right, you have all this
Speaker 2: fury that was directed towards you, that you never learned
Speaker 2: how to self regulate because your father never self regulated,
Speaker 2: and you have all this sense of like this person,
Speaker 2: this man that has all this power over you that
Speaker 2: you always wanted to approval from, and now that you're
Speaker 2: an adult and you never got that. Now that you're
Speaker 2: an adult and you're still looking for it, you do
Speaker 2: all these things as a way to maybe gain attention
Speaker 2: but also to bring back a sense of freedom and
Speaker 2: control over your life. It's both interesting, but I would
Speaker 2: say more so devastating to see how important this relationship
Speaker 2: is and what occurs when it is disturbed. Once again,
Speaker 2: I will say it's not always the case, but on
Speaker 2: a very unconscious level. I think we have a deep
Speaker 2: need to feel love and attached to the people who
Speaker 2: are meant to care for us. And if they don't
Speaker 2: prove that they can meet this need, if they gain
Speaker 2: our trust and then break it, they harm us. The
Speaker 2: impacts of that are deep and significant and show up
Speaker 2: in so many ways, mother, father, parent, caregiver. The human
Speaker 2: needs to bond and rely on others is perhaps one
Speaker 2: of our most primal and God forbid when someone doesn't
Speaker 2: take that responsibility seriously, sometimes we just don't have it
Speaker 2: in us to forgive them. So what I want to
Speaker 2: talk about next is what do we do if you
Speaker 2: have recognized a father wound within yourself? Do you just
Speaker 2: live with it? Do you just live with the failed relationships?
Speaker 2: Do you just live with the anger? Do you just
Speaker 2: try and ignore it day in and day out? Or
Speaker 2: is there something that we can do well? I think,
Speaker 2: of course I wouldn't be saying that if there wasn't.
Speaker 2: I do not like the idea of false hope, but
Speaker 2: one of healing and love. So we're going to talk
Speaker 2: about that a little bit more. The steps forward, the
Speaker 2: steps out of this after this shortbreak if you have
Speaker 2: identified a father wound within yourself that is impacting your
Speaker 2: ability to love, to form connections with the kind of
Speaker 2: person you want in your life for the long haul,
Speaker 2: to form a secure attachment to date, to manage your emotions,
Speaker 2: to see yourself accurately and with compassion. The next question is, naturally,
Speaker 2: well what do I do? There are so few guide
Speaker 2: books for this kind of stuff, and a lot of
Speaker 2: the resources focus specifically on trying to repair the relationship.
Speaker 2: I think that's admirable. I do think that's part of
Speaker 2: the story, but that's not always an option for all
Speaker 2: of us. I think the reason we see this perspective
Speaker 2: of forgiveness more than others is because if you do
Speaker 2: any research into father wounds, you will find that a
Speaker 2: lot of the literature and father wounds has very religious
Speaker 2: undertones that are perhaps preaching something that is outdated, not
Speaker 2: good for everyone, but matches the internal teachings of a
Speaker 2: specific faith or a church. I see a lot about
Speaker 2: how like not having a biological father should mean you
Speaker 2: accept your spiritual father, or how forgiveness is the only
Speaker 2: path forward because that is what God preached. Spiritual healing
Speaker 2: can be powerful, but let's be honest, it's not for everyone.
Speaker 2: It hasn't really played a role in my life. There
Speaker 2: is also a power dynamic there of submission and at
Speaker 2: times sweeping things under the rug that I don't love
Speaker 2: that is not therapeutic, and that can be really confusing
Speaker 2: and frustrating, very hard to square. When you're looking for help.
Speaker 2: You're going online out into the world being like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I've done the work, I've identified what has happened. Now
Speaker 2: I want like a reasonable explanation for what to do next,
Speaker 2: and the only option you have is forgiveness. I just
Speaker 2: don't think that that is particularly fair. It's not an
Speaker 2: option for everyone, not just practically, because you may not
Speaker 2: have a relationship with your father anymore. They may have
Speaker 2: passed on, we have experienced a significant cognitive decline since
Speaker 2: the last time you saw them. You may just like
Speaker 2: I said, not have any contact with them. So practically,
Speaker 2: forgiveness active forgiveness is not an option. But emotionally and
Speaker 2: mentally it might not be an option either. We just
Speaker 2: don't want to forgive and have to go through the
Speaker 2: process that would allow us to find closure. I do
Speaker 2: think that there is such a thing as forgiving someone
Speaker 2: for yourself and not for them. That is a really
Speaker 2: powerful thing and can be incredibly healing for some people
Speaker 2: to be like, I understand why this happened, and I
Speaker 2: understand that it wasn't my fault, and I forgive you
Speaker 2: for what you may have done. But also I think
Speaker 2: in order to forgive sometimes it does have to be
Speaker 2: this like active remembering, and that can really open the
Speaker 2: door to be hurt again. You are not always going
Speaker 2: to be promised an answer that will satisfy you, especially
Speaker 2: since people don't like to be confronted with their flaws
Speaker 2: and their wrongdoings, and these wounds are often very intergenerational.
Speaker 2: You may also risk being back into an unstable, unhealthy relationship,
Speaker 2: which may trigger past coping mechanisms and trauma. There are
Speaker 2: many reasons why people don't necessarily want to forgive. Family
Speaker 2: trauma is not a situation where you always have to
Speaker 2: forgive either, but it doesn't mean that you are cursed
Speaker 2: to kind of struggle for the rest of your life.
Speaker 2: I think that you can acknowledge why your father was
Speaker 2: like this, What made him this absent figure, what made
Speaker 2: him this angry man in the house, what made him
Speaker 2: emotionally unavailable or harsh or mean and still reach the
Speaker 2: conclusion that what is best for you is to remain distanced.
Speaker 2: That is how you will move forward. I really do
Speaker 2: believe that we cannot always rely on other people to
Speaker 2: heal us, especially the person who has created the pain
Speaker 2: and the emotional psychological damage to begin with. They can
Speaker 2: provide us with information, they can apologize, they can provide
Speaker 2: us with explanation. But I do think we have to
Speaker 2: take all of that and reach our own conclusion. This
Speaker 2: may involve really unpacking your attachment style or when you
Speaker 2: are tempted to fall into patterns of avoidance, isolation, anger,
Speaker 2: self sabotage, pain. Are you seeing those things in your relationships,
Speaker 2: especially especially your relationships with men and as a coping mechanism,
Speaker 2: which is what these things are. Is it actually serving you?
Speaker 2: Is it making your life better to push people away?
Speaker 2: Is it making your life better to keep going for
Speaker 2: people who are emotionally unavailable so that you can keep
Speaker 2: them at a distance. It might make you feel emotionally
Speaker 2: safer because it minimizes the capacity to be hurt again,
Speaker 2: But in the long run, I just don't feel like
Speaker 2: we have to live in this state of always being
Speaker 2: hyper vigilant to the potential for hurt. Part of that
Speaker 2: involves allowing people in taking a chance on your ability
Speaker 2: to trust someone else even though you know that they
Speaker 2: could potentially hurt you. Now, this is I was going
Speaker 2: to talk about this a little bit more, but we
Speaker 2: actually have a whole episode on this called Understanding Our
Speaker 2: Fear of Intimacy, and there is just a lot more
Speaker 2: advice in there that I feel like I would just
Speaker 2: be repeating. So if you want more information on that,
Speaker 2: go and listen to that episode. It talks about how
Speaker 2: to push past fear and relationships, how to unpack fear,
Speaker 2: how to unpack the wounds I hate, father wounds that
Speaker 2: contribute to anxiety and stress and repetition in our relationship patterns.
Speaker 2: The thing about these kinds of wounds, like father wounds,
Speaker 2: is that they do often become generational, right, they do
Speaker 2: often get passed down and not just generation, but they
Speaker 2: do become repeated and very ingrained. And it impacts the
Speaker 2: people around us, but most of all, it impacts our
Speaker 2: own happiness and our own fulfillment and our sense of peace.
Speaker 2: That is, who matters the most in this situation. You,
Speaker 2: You matter the most, And I think there is a
Speaker 2: lot of power in how we choose to speak to ourselves,
Speaker 2: to get rid of that angry or disappointing voice in
Speaker 2: our head, to release our own sense of blame and
Speaker 2: shame that seems to linger even after we've moved out,
Speaker 2: even after we have no contact with our father, And
Speaker 2: that is where the practice of reparenting also becomes so critical.
Speaker 2: You may have heard about in a child healing or
Speaker 2: in a teen healing recently. We've talked about it before
Speaker 2: on the podcast. I think it is a real amazing
Speaker 2: way of thinking about childhood problems as having adult solutions. Right,
Speaker 2: there is something that you can do about them even
Speaker 2: if you're no longer in that situation. So basically, the
Speaker 2: premise of this kind of healing is that our childhood
Speaker 2: self does not disappear. Memories that we make at that
Speaker 2: time remain. They are a foundation for all of our
Speaker 2: future experiences, for our interpretations, for how we see the world,
Speaker 2: and there are things that are stored in those past
Speaker 2: versions of ourselves that impact us in the current day. Obviously,
Speaker 2: we cannot go back and undo the past. As sad
Speaker 2: as it is, there is nothing we can say, nothing
Speaker 2: we can do that is going to undo those experiences.
Speaker 2: So we think a lot of us feel quite trapped
Speaker 2: by past trauma. Right. I'm only the things that have
Speaker 2: happened to me, and there is nothing I can do
Speaker 2: to act on those things because they are untouchable. But
Speaker 2: the idea around in a child healing is that that
Speaker 2: version of you that was hurt, that was harmed, that
Speaker 2: was damaged, that was put through psychological, emotional, physical pain,
Speaker 2: they are still alive. They are still present, and as
Speaker 2: you become an adult, you have the opportunity to reparent
Speaker 2: them in a way that it's going to be benefit
Speaker 2: and healing. You are now responsible for creating a psychological
Speaker 2: internal environment where you feel safe enough to explore the
Speaker 2: past and then heal from that by giving your inner
Speaker 2: child what they never had while simultaneously showing yourself that
Speaker 2: you can meet your own needs. You are deserving of
Speaker 2: love or joy or safety or whatever it is that
Speaker 2: you required that you did not get. You are safe now.
Speaker 2: The past is the past. That is a terrible thing,
Speaker 2: but it is also a beautiful thing because you are
Speaker 2: now this future, current version of you, who knows more,
Speaker 2: who can do more, who can act on your knowledge
Speaker 2: and heal that version of you that couldn't help themselves.
Speaker 2: I really love this idea. Part of inner child healing
Speaker 2: involves firstly like setting boundaries for yourself, the boundaries that
Speaker 2: your childhood self couldn't set, creating environments and opportunities for
Speaker 2: joy and for happiness, giving in to your inner child's
Speaker 2: by providing them with the things that they didn't get,
Speaker 2: whether that is like material and physical, like clothes that
Speaker 2: they wanted or food that they want to they didn't have,
Speaker 2: or comforts that they weren't allowed to indulge in. And
Speaker 2: then also just speaking kindly to that version of you.
Speaker 2: Like I said, there is this inner critic in all
Speaker 2: of us, and a lot of the time it sounds
Speaker 2: either like our mother or our father or someone from
Speaker 2: our history. We take on that negative voice and it
Speaker 2: becomes our own. So instead of thinking of it as
Speaker 2: your father's voice, think of it as you're inner child's voice,
Speaker 2: of this five year old self sitting in front of
Speaker 2: you saying I feel stupid, I feel unlovable, I feel undeserving.
Speaker 2: If a five year old was saying that to you,
Speaker 2: what would you say back to them? You wouldn't be like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, shut up, I don't want to think
Speaker 2: that anymore. You wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, you're totally right,
Speaker 2: that is who we are, of course not that's a
Speaker 2: five year old child, that is a seven year old child,
Speaker 2: that that is an infant. And so treat them as
Speaker 2: if that version of you was sitting in front of
Speaker 2: you right now saying all those things. How would you
Speaker 2: speak back to them? How would you ask them to
Speaker 2: change their thoughts to be more aligned with how much
Speaker 2: you love them, and the goodness and the vulnerability and
Speaker 2: the purity that you can see in them. There are
Speaker 2: so many other examples of this that I think are
Speaker 2: so valuable, But basically, what it comes down to is
Speaker 2: just radical self compassion, choosing to love yourself forcefully, almost
Speaker 2: even when everything about your past, everything about who you
Speaker 2: believe you are, is telling you that you are underserving.
Speaker 2: It is almost an act of rebellion to say, no,
Speaker 2: I'm not going to listen to that. I'm going to
Speaker 2: set a whole new attitude towards myself. I'm going to
Speaker 2: set up a whole new perspective, a whole new way
Speaker 2: of living that is one of joy, that is one
Speaker 2: of acceptance, that is one of love and openness and
Speaker 2: whatever happened in the past is in the past. I
Speaker 2: now have a duty to embrace it and move forward.
Speaker 2: So I think that's where I'm going to end that episode.
Speaker 2: I want to send complete utter love to any one
Speaker 2: of you who is dealing with a father wound right now.
Speaker 2: I really hope that this has helped you understand it more,
Speaker 2: understand how it does make us who we are. Why
Speaker 2: there are certain things in your life right now that
Speaker 2: feel out of control because they may not even be
Speaker 2: in your control, there subconsciously coming from childhood treatment that
Speaker 2: you are not aware of yet. I will also say
Speaker 2: there is so much that a therapist can help with
Speaker 2: when it comes to this, particularly a psychotherapist. A lot
Speaker 2: of the stuff that happens in our unconscious has been
Speaker 2: kind of described and derived from a lot of Carl
Speaker 2: Jung's work, and he obviously informs psychotherapy. So there are
Speaker 2: people out there who are so equipped to help you
Speaker 2: through this. But I am really sending you love and
Speaker 2: I'm sending you healing, and I hope that you learned something.
Speaker 2: I hope that you understand yourself better now. And if
Speaker 2: you did enjoy this episode and you feel like there
Speaker 2: is someone else who needs to hear it. Please feel
Speaker 2: free to send it to them and make sure you
Speaker 2: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever
Speaker 2: you are listening right now, and if you have thoughts,
Speaker 2: have feelings want to share, you can send me a
Speaker 2: message at that psychology podcast. I love hearing from you guys.
Speaker 2: If you have an episode suggestion, if you want us
Speaker 2: to dive into mother Wounds next, maybe that would be
Speaker 2: a great one to do. Please let me know and
Speaker 2: as always, be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself,
Speaker 2: and we will be back next week with another episode.