1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,760 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,159 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,600 Speaker 1: have you here, back for another episode as we, of 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:39,480 Speaker 1: course dive into the psychology of our twenties. 9 00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,559 Speaker 2: How are you going? How have we all been? It's 10 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,000 Speaker 2: been a while since I asked that, and I'm not 11 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 2: expecting an answer, since this is kind of just me 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:51,360 Speaker 2: in this room right now recording. But sometimes it feels 13 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,240 Speaker 2: nice to just imagine you on the other side, listening 14 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,560 Speaker 2: in your car or a work or the gym, whilester 15 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,120 Speaker 2: cleaning the house. I hope you're all doing amazing and 16 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 2: there is something great you are looking forward to, or 17 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 2: something you're especially grateful in life at the moment. This 18 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,760 Speaker 2: week's topic is a little bit heavy and might be 19 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 2: rather intense for some people, perhaps very vulnerable and revealing, 20 00:01:14,959 --> 00:01:17,080 Speaker 2: so I thought it would be nice to just start 21 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 2: out with something positive to focus on before we jump 22 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 2: straight in, because Today we are going to be talking 23 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,560 Speaker 2: about father wounds and the ways in which our relationship 24 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:31,959 Speaker 2: with our father within the family dynamic can lead to 25 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:38,399 Speaker 2: a lot of difficult beliefs, difficult emotions, difficult behaviors later 26 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:43,040 Speaker 2: in life. Father wounds are really complex and really difficult, 27 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,960 Speaker 2: and they emerge from a myriad of different experiences, mainly 28 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,960 Speaker 2: our fathers being absent in our childhood, being emotionally or 29 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:57,640 Speaker 2: physically unavailable, consistently prioritizing work over family, not taking on 30 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 2: a positive and active role in our lives, perhaps being abusive. 31 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:07,360 Speaker 2: Anything that disrupted the dynamic or relationship between you the 32 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 2: child and your father the caregiver can result in this 33 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:19,280 Speaker 2: form of unresolved trauma or disconnect. Divorce, cheating, alcoholism, a 34 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:23,639 Speaker 2: few other examples remarriage, having a new, younger family. These 35 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:29,240 Speaker 2: are all things that disturb or injure the connection and 36 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 2: the attachment that we have with this important figure in 37 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,679 Speaker 2: our lives, and it can be really formative and impactful. 38 00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 2: People sometimes call it daddy issues. I don't love that term, 39 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 2: especially in a clinical sense, because it's become very poppy, 40 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,400 Speaker 2: I guess, and I also think that it has been 41 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 2: reduced to kind of shame women in particular for their sexuality. 42 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,400 Speaker 2: You know, she likes to have a lot of sex 43 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,800 Speaker 2: because she has daddy issues. It's a lot more complex 44 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,000 Speaker 2: than that, and I think this kind of language is 45 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:02,880 Speaker 2: quite deductive. As with anything that has to do with 46 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,320 Speaker 2: psychology and our mental health and our emotional state and 47 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 2: our behaviors, their explanation is not always as simple or 48 00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:15,960 Speaker 2: simplistic as we might hear on social media or as 49 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,960 Speaker 2: might be displayed online. And a lot of the time, 50 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,520 Speaker 2: our father wounds really only begin to be revealed as 51 00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,360 Speaker 2: we grow older, especially in our early or late twenties, 52 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:30,600 Speaker 2: sometimes even later for some people, when we have left 53 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 2: the orbit of our family, we have flown the nest. 54 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,600 Speaker 2: We are beginning to see what may have been normal 55 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 2: for other people that was not the case for ourselves. 56 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 2: I think we are given both the gift and the 57 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 2: curse of hindsight and the ability to compare our childhood 58 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 2: history with our friends' experiences. And when we do that, 59 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,800 Speaker 2: often if you are someone who has a father wound, 60 00:03:56,400 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 2: a gap emerges. You begin to see that you might 61 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,600 Speaker 2: not just be an angry person or a sad person, 62 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,760 Speaker 2: or a reactive person, or someone who lacks confidence and 63 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,640 Speaker 2: trust in themselves. It's actually a lot deeper than that, 64 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 2: and the truth is contained in our childhood memories. It's 65 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 2: not all about your personality. You were not destined to 66 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:24,479 Speaker 2: be this individual. There was something that emerged between you 67 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,040 Speaker 2: and your caregiver that has created a whole, patent, whole 68 00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,960 Speaker 2: flow on effect of things that as an adult you're 69 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,360 Speaker 2: only now just working through. I think as we grow 70 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,240 Speaker 2: into our adult selves, we often become a lot more 71 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 2: reflective and critical of our childhood experiences. We think back 72 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:44,400 Speaker 2: on the things that we had to accept or at 73 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:49,320 Speaker 2: least tolerate as children when we were dependent on our caregivers, 74 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 2: when we were powerless and vulnerable, and now as independent people, 75 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,159 Speaker 2: we can be a bit more honest about it because 76 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,200 Speaker 2: we don't need to be kind of in a survival mode. 77 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,560 Speaker 2: That honesty often reveals things that we have suppressed or 78 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 2: avoided thinking about for a long time out of a 79 00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:09,720 Speaker 2: need for self preservation. We didn't know what we know now. 80 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,719 Speaker 2: We were just kids who accepted the standard that was 81 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:15,680 Speaker 2: set for us, and we didn't yet have the cognitive 82 00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 2: or the mental skills to kind of rationalize our experiences 83 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 2: and have an adult understanding of what occurred or we 84 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,479 Speaker 2: felt was pain. And this can be a really scary 85 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,640 Speaker 2: thing to unpack because we don't like to see our parents, 86 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,840 Speaker 2: our fathers as being fallible or even human. For so long, 87 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:37,800 Speaker 2: they have this almost godlike status in our minds. They 88 00:05:37,839 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 2: can do anything, say anything, They are everything. So it 89 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,279 Speaker 2: feels strange to think that this person who we entrusted 90 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:48,279 Speaker 2: with all of our needs may have done something to 91 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:53,320 Speaker 2: harm us, either knowingly or unknowingly. Unconsciously as well, we 92 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,800 Speaker 2: may not even realize that this is what has happened, 93 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,640 Speaker 2: and that there are certain dysfunctional habits or patterns romantic 94 00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 2: relationships and our professional careers, in our friendships that all 95 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,000 Speaker 2: come back to our childhood. There is a lot of 96 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,440 Speaker 2: resentment perhaps that comes up later in life when your 97 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,480 Speaker 2: parents do get older and you suddenly realize that you 98 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,039 Speaker 2: have to take care of them and there are certain 99 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,600 Speaker 2: things that you haven't quite worked through, or maybe you 100 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,960 Speaker 2: are about to become a parent, you are considering having children, 101 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,600 Speaker 2: and you're like, I don't want to repeat what I experienced. 102 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,520 Speaker 2: There's a sense of inadequacy because there was never a 103 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 2: good example set for you. There is so much to 104 00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:38,920 Speaker 2: be said about the impact that these wounds have and 105 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:43,680 Speaker 2: there is a lot of misinformation. They have become this idea, 106 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 2: this concept of father wounds has become somewhat of a buzzword, 107 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 2: and with that we often become detached from what is 108 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 2: really occurring in our unconscious, subconscious minds on a very 109 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:56,839 Speaker 2: psychological and emotional level. We aren't exactly clear on what 110 00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,880 Speaker 2: it means to have a father wound from an attachment perspective, 111 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,680 Speaker 2: and we aren't exactly clear on where to go from there. 112 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,040 Speaker 2: How do we work through this on our own, maybe 113 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:10,240 Speaker 2: with our family with a romantic partner. Is forgiveness the 114 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:14,120 Speaker 2: best policy? I don't think so. I think it requires 115 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,200 Speaker 2: more than that. There is an acknowledgment of our father 116 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 2: wounds that at some point we're all going to have 117 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:22,080 Speaker 2: to do, We're all going to have to reflect on, 118 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,560 Speaker 2: and I want to talk about it today, starting of course, 119 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 2: with a theoretical premises for why these occur. So a 120 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,760 Speaker 2: lot of the research that father wounds are based around 121 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,600 Speaker 2: comes back to attachment theory, one of the most well known, 122 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 2: I think concepts and doctrines in psychology. I'm sure we've 123 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,880 Speaker 2: all heard of it before, but for a brief refresher. 124 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 2: Attachment theory was first introduced by two psychologists, John Bolby 125 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,800 Speaker 2: and Mary Ainsworth, and it followed their observations of children, 126 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 2: specifically like quite young children, infants almost and they expose 127 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:01,160 Speaker 2: these infants to these situations in where which their parents 128 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,600 Speaker 2: were absent, or they were approached by a stranger, or 129 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:07,200 Speaker 2: they were left in a strange situation, and they observed 130 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,600 Speaker 2: their interactions and from that they came to this conclusion 131 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,960 Speaker 2: that the child's relationship with their caregiver would predict how 132 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 2: they behaved in this strange situation, and from their behaviors, 133 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:25,160 Speaker 2: we could categorize these children into attachment styles. As children, 134 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 2: we have some very core physical, emotional, mental, even social 135 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 2: needs and we are entirely reliant on our parents to 136 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,280 Speaker 2: fulfill these for us. This of course includes the need 137 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,080 Speaker 2: for security, the need for emotional safety, and availability for comfort, 138 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 2: for food, for love. Not every parent meets their children's 139 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,000 Speaker 2: needs in the same way or in the way that 140 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:55,560 Speaker 2: their child requires. It is just a sad fact of life. 141 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,720 Speaker 2: Some people do not know how to be parents, They 142 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 2: do not know how to provide for their children, and 143 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:06,720 Speaker 2: this is often very generational. Our parents, our fathers, behave 144 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,319 Speaker 2: the way that they did and that they do because 145 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 2: of how their parents acted, who were the way that 146 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,000 Speaker 2: they were because of their upbringing, and that can get 147 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,120 Speaker 2: passed down to us through parenting styles, and the cycle 148 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:20,760 Speaker 2: continues through the impact on our behaviors. When we perhaps 149 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,559 Speaker 2: want to or do have our own children, the only 150 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:28,520 Speaker 2: model that we have for a parent child relationship is dysfunctional. 151 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,800 Speaker 2: How our needs were met or not met in childhood 152 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:35,959 Speaker 2: affects how we relate to ourselves and others in relationships, 153 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:39,280 Speaker 2: in parenting, in friendships, when it comes to our self esteem, 154 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 2: our independence, our ability to deal with conflict, and so 155 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:46,920 Speaker 2: much more. Now, according to attachment theory, people who grew 156 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,760 Speaker 2: up with supportive and present caregivers are more likely to 157 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,200 Speaker 2: develop a secure attachment style. That's about sixty five percent 158 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 2: of us according to recent estimates. By contrast, those with 159 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 2: less engaged care givers, possibly people who have a father wound, 160 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,240 Speaker 2: we are more likely to develop an insecure attachment style, 161 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:10,960 Speaker 2: such as an avoidant or an anxious attachment style. A 162 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,719 Speaker 2: father wound can contribute to these forms of insecure attachment, 163 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,880 Speaker 2: and it is what it sounds like. It is an 164 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 2: emotional mark, a scar, psychological scar, left from an experience 165 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 2: that maybe caused us pain, some emotional discomfort and distress. 166 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 2: Even if we didn't realize it until much later on, 167 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,440 Speaker 2: some kind of damage was done. And so when you 168 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,640 Speaker 2: go out into the world and want to form attachments 169 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 2: with people who are not your caregivers, the only basis 170 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,839 Speaker 2: you have for what that should look like is the 171 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 2: attachment you have with your parents. They are our role 172 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 2: model for relationships. And when we're talking about father wounds, 173 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:52,640 Speaker 2: they are our role model for relationships with men. You know, 174 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,360 Speaker 2: Freud and Jung talk about this a lot, talked about 175 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,200 Speaker 2: this a lot. Sorry past tense, but we really do 176 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 2: use our parental relationships a blueprint for our adult relationships 177 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,559 Speaker 2: with the same or the opposite gender. I know this 178 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 2: sounds quite strange, but really, as children, we learn through 179 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,840 Speaker 2: observation and we learn through experience, and we learn to 180 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 2: mimic what we experienced as children with you know, a 181 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,160 Speaker 2: member of the opposite sex or the same sex, normally 182 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,120 Speaker 2: our mother or our father, and we take that through 183 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,720 Speaker 2: our lives. Our fathers are our first example of what 184 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 2: we think men are like, how they behave, how they 185 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,079 Speaker 2: treat us. There are innate character and qualities If you 186 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,600 Speaker 2: have an angry father, you will think that all men 187 00:11:31,679 --> 00:11:34,920 Speaker 2: are angry. If you had an absent father, you naturally 188 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 2: conclude that all men have this innate tendency to leave 189 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,160 Speaker 2: and abandon you, to not give you affection or attention 190 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 2: unless they're trying to win your approval or apologize. If 191 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 2: you had a father who left the family, who cheated, 192 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 2: who started a new family, you assume that this is 193 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:54,319 Speaker 2: in built to male destiny because you don't have any 194 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,560 Speaker 2: other examples to base it off, at least no other 195 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 2: examples that are that clear and obvious to you, that 196 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 2: are that kind of personal. And this is kind of 197 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,280 Speaker 2: the father's role. This is the father archetype, the one 198 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 2: that is set by your parent, and therefore the male archetype. Right, 199 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:18,199 Speaker 2: you don't know to expect differently. You don't know anything else, 200 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,679 Speaker 2: even if you had other males present in your life. 201 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,040 Speaker 2: The father, your father, is the one you look up 202 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:25,960 Speaker 2: to the most. And so that womb that is left 203 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:30,920 Speaker 2: from a damaging interactional relationship begins to expand beyond just 204 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 2: your thoughts into how you treat men, into how you 205 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,600 Speaker 2: engage in relationships with men, into how you treat yourself. 206 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 2: But also just people in general. It differs from the 207 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 2: mother wound primarily just in the role that a mother 208 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:47,520 Speaker 2: typically plays versus the father. The major distinction does really 209 00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:51,520 Speaker 2: come down to societal expectations. These expectations might not be 210 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 2: correct or ideal, but gender roles do still dictate what 211 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,559 Speaker 2: fathers are asked to provide compared to mothers, whereby mothers 212 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 2: provide a lot of emotional safe for their children, a 213 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,840 Speaker 2: lot of the care, the comfort, the kind words. Whereas 214 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 2: fathers are typically seen as physical providers or protectors, advice givers, 215 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 2: financial providers as well, they're often seen as more tough 216 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:17,080 Speaker 2: or disciplinary. It doesn't mean that that is always the case. 217 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,080 Speaker 2: I want to say that it doesn't mean that it 218 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 2: should be the case. But often when a father is 219 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 2: absent or emotionally physically unavailable, you know, maybe struggling with 220 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 2: their own things, distant because of a divorce, whatnot, we 221 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 2: can still go to our mother for emotional comfort because 222 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 2: that is who we would normally seek out. It doesn't 223 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:40,080 Speaker 2: mean that we don't still want the approval of our father. 224 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:43,559 Speaker 2: We still want the support this figure offers in our lives. 225 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:47,959 Speaker 2: If you felt unloved, unknown, unwanted by your father from 226 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,600 Speaker 2: an early age. This really influences how you see yourself 227 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 2: because a lot of these things happen during a really 228 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:58,199 Speaker 2: formative emotional chapter for us, when we are developing things 229 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,600 Speaker 2: like our self esteem and our self conscert and father 230 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,000 Speaker 2: absenteeism makes you think that something is wrong with you, 231 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 2: makes you think that you have done something that has 232 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,480 Speaker 2: made him not love you. And so as you grow up, 233 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 2: you're constantly seeing men as these people who hurt you, 234 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 2: but also seeking out the approval of men as a 235 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 2: way to almost gain mastery over past pain or to 236 00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 2: show yourself that history will not be repeated. You don't 237 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,680 Speaker 2: have any other guide, You don't have any other source 238 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 2: of information that is telling you to act differently. Actually, 239 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 2: I think we should stop and talk about that for 240 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,360 Speaker 2: a second, because I feel like we need to lay 241 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:38,120 Speaker 2: down the exact behavioral or relational origins of these kinds 242 00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 2: of wounds, and the full span of behaviors that we 243 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:45,000 Speaker 2: might see is symptomatic of this kind of disorganized relationship. 244 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,960 Speaker 2: I think it is this tug of war between wanting 245 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,880 Speaker 2: your father's approval and presence and pushing away the desire 246 00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 2: to be reliant on him or to expect more than 247 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,280 Speaker 2: what he can offer, not wanting to be disappointed in him, 248 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 2: therefore not wanting to be disappointed in other men. Our 249 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,800 Speaker 2: father wounds, as we said before, are the result of 250 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 2: a distance, a breach, and expectations, you know, your father 251 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 2: being unable to provide what he should and what we 252 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 2: want him to provide. You know, it's commonly relates to 253 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:18,640 Speaker 2: fathers who were physically or emotionally absent, over protective, controlling, 254 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,800 Speaker 2: dealing with substance issues, verbally, physically, emotionally abusive, perhaps they 255 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:26,000 Speaker 2: even passed away when you're a child. As sad as 256 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 2: it is, and I want to caveat this by saying, 257 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,960 Speaker 2: there are some things that it can you know, some 258 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 2: of these things can occur and not necessarily result in 259 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 2: the typical outcomes we associate with father wornes. I have 260 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,440 Speaker 2: friends whose fathers unfortunately passed away or who went to prison, 261 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 2: or who have remarried, and they have not had the 262 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 2: same struggles, you know, as other people have had. On 263 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,880 Speaker 2: the other hand, I have seen people who have had 264 00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,200 Speaker 2: two loving parents who have gone on to really struggle 265 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:57,040 Speaker 2: with maintaining certain relationships and feelings secure about themselves. Trauma 266 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 2: is accumulation of a lot of factors and predisposition and 267 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 2: environments and personality. I think a lot of people view 268 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:07,000 Speaker 2: it as if X happens, why occurs? You know, if 269 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 2: your father abandoned you, you are traumatized. It doesn't always 270 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,240 Speaker 2: work out that way. What we do observe about father 271 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 2: wounds when they occur, though, is this So. I'm going 272 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,520 Speaker 2: to list a couple examples here of typical patterns that 273 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,680 Speaker 2: we would see in response. Firstly, people who have been 274 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:29,640 Speaker 2: negatively impacted by this relationship with their father might tend 275 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 2: to repeat the pattern of their emotionally absent parent by 276 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 2: pushing people away, by having incredibly rigid boundaries, self isolating 277 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:44,360 Speaker 2: because they are afraid of unreliable people, such as someone 278 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 2: who replicates or appears like their father sneaking into their 279 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,800 Speaker 2: life through the cracks and hurting them. That might mean 280 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,280 Speaker 2: that you struggle connecting with people, you have fewer really 281 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 2: close relationships. But as one article put it, this one 282 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,160 Speaker 2: therapist said it really well, the pain of feeling lonely 283 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:08,240 Speaker 2: sometimes to you is nothing compared to the pain you 284 00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 2: anticipate from someone letting you down the way your father did. Now, 285 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 2: this is what we call an abandonment fear, and it's 286 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:22,440 Speaker 2: really common in these situations. Being let down hurts. Being 287 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 2: rejected by a parent of all people hurts, and so 288 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:31,159 Speaker 2: by avoiding getting close to anyone, we avoid repeating that 289 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:35,359 Speaker 2: outcome that we associate with a lot of terrible psychological, 290 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,880 Speaker 2: mental emotional pain. On the other side of the coin, 291 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 2: because we develop an understanding of how we should be 292 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,080 Speaker 2: treated based on our caregiver's behavior, we may be also 293 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 2: used to emotionally unavailable or poor treatment from our fathers, 294 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,879 Speaker 2: and so when these things maybe appear in our adult 295 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 2: romantic relationships, we already have a tolerance for them. We 296 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,719 Speaker 2: have been taught that they are acceptable. So you're not 297 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 2: pushing people away, but you'll I don't want to say 298 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:03,960 Speaker 2: letting people in because it makes it sound like you're 299 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,880 Speaker 2: at fault here. But people are entering your life who 300 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,359 Speaker 2: might not treat you right or with respect, who are 301 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:14,040 Speaker 2: a manipulative, emotionally absent, mentally abusive, who remind you of 302 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:17,720 Speaker 2: your father. In another lay, we may also sustain a 303 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:23,720 Speaker 2: pattern of emotionally hollow or shallow relationships situationships and why 304 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:24,160 Speaker 2: is that? 305 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:24,680 Speaker 1: Well? 306 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,880 Speaker 2: Some psychotherapists would suggests that you may have an unconscious 307 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,199 Speaker 2: wish to repair the early father wound by having a 308 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:35,520 Speaker 2: relationship with a person that creates similar feelings and familiar 309 00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,919 Speaker 2: feelings that you experienced from your childhood. So basically, what 310 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:44,480 Speaker 2: you're seeking out is a father type replacement, sometimes someone 311 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:51,320 Speaker 2: who is older, sometimes someone who replicates his same emotional, physical, 312 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:56,240 Speaker 2: mental patterns, because by doing that, what you're experiencing is 313 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:59,040 Speaker 2: something that is predictable. You already know the outcome because 314 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,159 Speaker 2: you're familiar with this kind of man. But the more 315 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 2: you date these people, the more you feel like you 316 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,359 Speaker 2: can change them. And by changing the relationship you have 317 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,440 Speaker 2: with this person romantically, it feels like you have more 318 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,720 Speaker 2: power over the relationship you have with your father, because 319 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 2: by controlling this current situation, it makes you feel like 320 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:21,680 Speaker 2: you could have had control over the past situation. Now, 321 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:25,959 Speaker 2: being in a relationship with someone consistent and reliable can 322 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,800 Speaker 2: actually feel potentially very emotionally threatening because we're not used 323 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,679 Speaker 2: to that, and so we tend to return to what 324 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,880 Speaker 2: we have become accustomed to, even if it's worse for us, 325 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 2: even if the person is controlling or absent or demanding. 326 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,520 Speaker 2: This may also evolve from a place of poor self 327 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:47,199 Speaker 2: esteem and self confidence that manifests as a result of 328 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:50,159 Speaker 2: a father who made you feel undeserving and made you 329 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,880 Speaker 2: feel unlovable. Receiving love and acceptance from a caregiver, from 330 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 2: a father, from our parents in general, is so important 331 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:01,600 Speaker 2: for developing our sense of self worth and self concept 332 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,800 Speaker 2: because the words they speak to us become our truth, 333 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:09,480 Speaker 2: and they teach us how to treat ourselves. So someone 334 00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:11,480 Speaker 2: said this to me the other day, and it really 335 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,840 Speaker 2: hit the nail on the head. Each of us has 336 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 2: an inner critic in our brain, in our mind saying 337 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:20,240 Speaker 2: negative things to us, Does that, in a critic sound 338 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,760 Speaker 2: like your mother or your father? I think that's really 339 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,280 Speaker 2: revealing of what kind of wound you might have, Or 340 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,680 Speaker 2: it might sound like someone else entirely. But when we're 341 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,920 Speaker 2: talking about father wounds, often the words that you hear 342 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,560 Speaker 2: yourself say to yourself sound a lot like the words 343 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,879 Speaker 2: that your father spoke to you as a child. It 344 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,360 Speaker 2: might tell us that we aren't worthy of love. That's 345 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,720 Speaker 2: why our father was absent. We are easily replaceable. That's 346 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,800 Speaker 2: why our father left. We are bad. That's why our 347 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,359 Speaker 2: father yelled at us. We are stupid. That's why our 348 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:51,800 Speaker 2: father criticized us. You might counteract this by trying really 349 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,240 Speaker 2: hard to be good, leaning on perfectionism and being the 350 00:20:55,320 --> 00:21:00,679 Speaker 2: good kid, but still finding that nothing, no achievement, no 351 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:05,600 Speaker 2: positive affirmation, makes you feel good enough or worthy, because 352 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:10,720 Speaker 2: these negative beliefs are so deeply ingrained in you. Sometimes 353 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,359 Speaker 2: having another parent who speaks out against these things or 354 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,639 Speaker 2: fights back against this negativity with positivity can be really protective. 355 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,639 Speaker 2: But you know, there are just times when that inner 356 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,480 Speaker 2: critic is louder than our external cheerleader, and so we 357 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,159 Speaker 2: still want our father's approval. That is what we crave 358 00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,760 Speaker 2: because we never got it. In men, especially who have 359 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,560 Speaker 2: a distant absence emotionally unavailable father, there is actually a 360 00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:38,520 Speaker 2: specific name for this. It's known as father hunger, whereby, 361 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:43,640 Speaker 2: regardless of how they were treated and hurt, they still psychologically, 362 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,560 Speaker 2: on some level hunger after their father's approval and presence. 363 00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 2: Or they seek out male role models, male figures in teachers, mentors, bosses, 364 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:56,720 Speaker 2: as a replacement or a proxy for the love and 365 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,920 Speaker 2: support and encouragement their father deprived them of. My father 366 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:02,359 Speaker 2: never loved me, But here is this person who will 367 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,080 Speaker 2: Here is this male figure who can be his replacement, 368 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,159 Speaker 2: who can give me all the things that I was 369 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 2: always looking to him for. I really think that we 370 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 2: need to do more research on this, primarily with young 371 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 2: boys and men, hopefully longitudinally as well, because I think 372 00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,960 Speaker 2: logically this does make a lot of sense, right like 373 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,680 Speaker 2: boys admire and aspire to be their father's women take 374 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 2: on the traits of their mothers. But I really want 375 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,720 Speaker 2: to look into where this attachment to an external icon 376 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:36,800 Speaker 2: comes from, how they choose the replacement. Another kind of 377 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 2: pattern that is indicative of a father wound is that 378 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,280 Speaker 2: people find themselves lashing out as their fathers did, or 379 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 2: they are so overwhelmed with rage and resentment that they 380 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,919 Speaker 2: can't control their emotional outbursts. It may also be because 381 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,239 Speaker 2: they have not been shown an example of how to 382 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:58,479 Speaker 2: self regulate, how to self soothe. There is this saying 383 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 2: that if you grew up with an angry man in 384 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,280 Speaker 2: your house, there will always be an angry man in 385 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 2: your house. Because you take on that rage, you become 386 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:09,320 Speaker 2: the angry man. You don't know any other way. And 387 00:23:09,359 --> 00:23:12,280 Speaker 2: if your father got to be angry, by reclaiming that 388 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 2: anger for yourself and being visibly angry at the world 389 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:19,960 Speaker 2: at others, you feel like you are no longer the target. 390 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,359 Speaker 2: You were the distributor of all the fury that was 391 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,760 Speaker 2: once directed towards you, and so it gives you back 392 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:29,680 Speaker 2: the power you never felt you had. Or it also 393 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 2: is just this unresolved trauma trying to find an outlet 394 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:37,840 Speaker 2: through a dysfunctional coping mechanism. The sadness, the pain, the 395 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,879 Speaker 2: frustration has nowhere to go, and it builds up. It 396 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,920 Speaker 2: makes you feel terrible, and the way out of that 397 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:46,760 Speaker 2: is to be angry, and we can often trace that 398 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,439 Speaker 2: back to a father wound. And finally, kind of on 399 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:54,280 Speaker 2: a similar note, we have impulsive behaviors. You want to 400 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,840 Speaker 2: gain control over your life in a way that you 401 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,399 Speaker 2: may have been unable to do with a controlling or 402 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:03,359 Speaker 2: even an abuse father, and so you act out because 403 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:06,640 Speaker 2: it gives you the illusion of freedom. You do everything 404 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,160 Speaker 2: your dad said not to do, because that is one 405 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,760 Speaker 2: way to reinforce within yourself that he no longer has 406 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:15,080 Speaker 2: control over this adult version of you. You are no 407 00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:17,960 Speaker 2: longer a child. That child version of you is gone. 408 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:21,159 Speaker 2: You are in charge now, and so almost as a 409 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 2: delayed rebellion, you may do things that are quite self destructive, 410 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 2: or engage in self sabotage because at least you now 411 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,119 Speaker 2: have a say, even if your actions aren't aligning with 412 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,639 Speaker 2: what you want, you get to be in control. I 413 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,280 Speaker 2: think this is where this stereotype of people with absent 414 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,439 Speaker 2: fathers having a lot of sex comes from. I just 415 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 2: want to say, I looked into this, I searched, I researched, 416 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 2: I deep dived. I did not find a single peer 417 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,840 Speaker 2: reviewed academic article that could confirm that stereotype for me. 418 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,720 Speaker 2: So I think we can kind of disregard it. Father 419 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:55,959 Speaker 2: wounds may result in more risk taking behavior, but that 420 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:57,399 Speaker 2: is not always related to sex. 421 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 1: Right. 422 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,639 Speaker 2: We could make this same an equal link to shoplifting 423 00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,919 Speaker 2: if we want it, or dangerous driving. In terms of 424 00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,440 Speaker 2: life outcomes, though, there has been some research academic research 425 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,760 Speaker 2: that has observed how children who grew up without a 426 00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,000 Speaker 2: present father are more likely to drop out of school, 427 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:18,800 Speaker 2: more likely to spend time in jail. This was research 428 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,840 Speaker 2: conducted in the United States, though, I do think it's 429 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:25,920 Speaker 2: important to also consider things like intergenerational trauma, systemic racism, 430 00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:29,120 Speaker 2: or social supports. I think that contributes both to father 431 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:33,040 Speaker 2: absenteeism and also childhood outcomes and adulthood outcomes. So I 432 00:25:33,119 --> 00:25:35,320 Speaker 2: think when anytime we see like an article like that 433 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:38,000 Speaker 2: that's saying like, if this person has this, they will 434 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:40,960 Speaker 2: become this, we got to sit back and really examine 435 00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,880 Speaker 2: that a little bit because it's not always as clear 436 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:47,000 Speaker 2: cut as that. We're also seeing research this paper actually 437 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,960 Speaker 2: out of Australia that suggests that absent fathers during childhood 438 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:56,120 Speaker 2: can negatively impact our social emotional development, particularly by increasing 439 00:25:56,400 --> 00:26:01,560 Speaker 2: aggressive or attention seeking behaviors. That is something that we 440 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:05,439 Speaker 2: have already gathered from above. Right, you have all this 441 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,200 Speaker 2: fury that was directed towards you, that you never learned 442 00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,359 Speaker 2: how to self regulate because your father never self regulated, 443 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 2: and you have all this sense of like this person, 444 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 2: this man that has all this power over you that 445 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,440 Speaker 2: you always wanted to approval from, and now that you're 446 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:22,680 Speaker 2: an adult and you never got that. Now that you're 447 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:25,199 Speaker 2: an adult and you're still looking for it, you do 448 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,159 Speaker 2: all these things as a way to maybe gain attention 449 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,960 Speaker 2: but also to bring back a sense of freedom and 450 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:34,560 Speaker 2: control over your life. It's both interesting, but I would 451 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,880 Speaker 2: say more so devastating to see how important this relationship 452 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:44,000 Speaker 2: is and what occurs when it is disturbed. Once again, 453 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:45,679 Speaker 2: I will say it's not always the case, but on 454 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:48,880 Speaker 2: a very unconscious level. I think we have a deep 455 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,880 Speaker 2: need to feel love and attached to the people who 456 00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,640 Speaker 2: are meant to care for us. And if they don't 457 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,840 Speaker 2: prove that they can meet this need, if they gain 458 00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:01,920 Speaker 2: our trust and then break it, they harm us. The 459 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 2: impacts of that are deep and significant and show up 460 00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 2: in so many ways, mother, father, parent, caregiver. The human 461 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,199 Speaker 2: needs to bond and rely on others is perhaps one 462 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:16,480 Speaker 2: of our most primal and God forbid when someone doesn't 463 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:20,520 Speaker 2: take that responsibility seriously, sometimes we just don't have it 464 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:23,520 Speaker 2: in us to forgive them. So what I want to 465 00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,480 Speaker 2: talk about next is what do we do if you 466 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 2: have recognized a father wound within yourself? Do you just 467 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,960 Speaker 2: live with it? Do you just live with the failed relationships? 468 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,280 Speaker 2: Do you just live with the anger? Do you just 469 00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:38,800 Speaker 2: try and ignore it day in and day out? Or 470 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,560 Speaker 2: is there something that we can do well? I think, 471 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,520 Speaker 2: of course I wouldn't be saying that if there wasn't. 472 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,679 Speaker 2: I do not like the idea of false hope, but 473 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,360 Speaker 2: one of healing and love. So we're going to talk 474 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,439 Speaker 2: about that a little bit more. The steps forward, the 475 00:27:51,440 --> 00:28:00,879 Speaker 2: steps out of this after this shortbreak if you have 476 00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:05,959 Speaker 2: identified a father wound within yourself that is impacting your 477 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,199 Speaker 2: ability to love, to form connections with the kind of 478 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:11,720 Speaker 2: person you want in your life for the long haul, 479 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 2: to form a secure attachment to date, to manage your emotions, 480 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,800 Speaker 2: to see yourself accurately and with compassion. The next question is, naturally, 481 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,439 Speaker 2: well what do I do? There are so few guide 482 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 2: books for this kind of stuff, and a lot of 483 00:28:27,119 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 2: the resources focus specifically on trying to repair the relationship. 484 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,359 Speaker 2: I think that's admirable. I do think that's part of 485 00:28:34,359 --> 00:28:38,480 Speaker 2: the story, but that's not always an option for all 486 00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:41,920 Speaker 2: of us. I think the reason we see this perspective 487 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,120 Speaker 2: of forgiveness more than others is because if you do 488 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:49,640 Speaker 2: any research into father wounds, you will find that a 489 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:53,160 Speaker 2: lot of the literature and father wounds has very religious 490 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:57,840 Speaker 2: undertones that are perhaps preaching something that is outdated, not 491 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:01,680 Speaker 2: good for everyone, but matches the internal teachings of a 492 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,320 Speaker 2: specific faith or a church. I see a lot about 493 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,840 Speaker 2: how like not having a biological father should mean you 494 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,480 Speaker 2: accept your spiritual father, or how forgiveness is the only 495 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:15,000 Speaker 2: path forward because that is what God preached. Spiritual healing 496 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,080 Speaker 2: can be powerful, but let's be honest, it's not for everyone. 497 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:22,000 Speaker 2: It hasn't really played a role in my life. There 498 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:24,719 Speaker 2: is also a power dynamic there of submission and at 499 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,400 Speaker 2: times sweeping things under the rug that I don't love 500 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:31,680 Speaker 2: that is not therapeutic, and that can be really confusing 501 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,520 Speaker 2: and frustrating, very hard to square. When you're looking for help. 502 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:39,120 Speaker 2: You're going online out into the world being like, Okay, 503 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:42,400 Speaker 2: I've done the work, I've identified what has happened. Now 504 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:46,280 Speaker 2: I want like a reasonable explanation for what to do next, 505 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:50,240 Speaker 2: and the only option you have is forgiveness. I just 506 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:53,240 Speaker 2: don't think that that is particularly fair. It's not an 507 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:56,840 Speaker 2: option for everyone, not just practically, because you may not 508 00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,200 Speaker 2: have a relationship with your father anymore. They may have 509 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,320 Speaker 2: passed on, we have experienced a significant cognitive decline since 510 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,120 Speaker 2: the last time you saw them. You may just like 511 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:08,960 Speaker 2: I said, not have any contact with them. So practically, 512 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:13,280 Speaker 2: forgiveness active forgiveness is not an option. But emotionally and 513 00:30:13,640 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 2: mentally it might not be an option either. We just 514 00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:18,920 Speaker 2: don't want to forgive and have to go through the 515 00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:23,400 Speaker 2: process that would allow us to find closure. I do 516 00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,600 Speaker 2: think that there is such a thing as forgiving someone 517 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:29,560 Speaker 2: for yourself and not for them. That is a really 518 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 2: powerful thing and can be incredibly healing for some people 519 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,560 Speaker 2: to be like, I understand why this happened, and I 520 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,800 Speaker 2: understand that it wasn't my fault, and I forgive you 521 00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,760 Speaker 2: for what you may have done. But also I think 522 00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 2: in order to forgive sometimes it does have to be 523 00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,800 Speaker 2: this like active remembering, and that can really open the 524 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:50,400 Speaker 2: door to be hurt again. You are not always going 525 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:53,640 Speaker 2: to be promised an answer that will satisfy you, especially 526 00:30:54,280 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 2: since people don't like to be confronted with their flaws 527 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,920 Speaker 2: and their wrongdoings, and these wounds are often very intergenerational. 528 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:05,800 Speaker 2: You may also risk being back into an unstable, unhealthy relationship, 529 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:10,200 Speaker 2: which may trigger past coping mechanisms and trauma. There are 530 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 2: many reasons why people don't necessarily want to forgive. Family 531 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,520 Speaker 2: trauma is not a situation where you always have to 532 00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:18,800 Speaker 2: forgive either, but it doesn't mean that you are cursed 533 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:21,360 Speaker 2: to kind of struggle for the rest of your life. 534 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:26,000 Speaker 2: I think that you can acknowledge why your father was 535 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:30,200 Speaker 2: like this, What made him this absent figure, what made 536 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:33,080 Speaker 2: him this angry man in the house, what made him 537 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:37,120 Speaker 2: emotionally unavailable or harsh or mean and still reach the 538 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:40,680 Speaker 2: conclusion that what is best for you is to remain distanced. 539 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 2: That is how you will move forward. I really do 540 00:31:45,280 --> 00:31:47,920 Speaker 2: believe that we cannot always rely on other people to 541 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,600 Speaker 2: heal us, especially the person who has created the pain 542 00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:55,600 Speaker 2: and the emotional psychological damage to begin with. They can 543 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:59,080 Speaker 2: provide us with information, they can apologize, they can provide 544 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:01,680 Speaker 2: us with explanation. But I do think we have to 545 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:05,320 Speaker 2: take all of that and reach our own conclusion. This 546 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:09,640 Speaker 2: may involve really unpacking your attachment style or when you 547 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:16,080 Speaker 2: are tempted to fall into patterns of avoidance, isolation, anger, 548 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 2: self sabotage, pain. Are you seeing those things in your relationships, 549 00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:30,320 Speaker 2: especially especially your relationships with men and as a coping mechanism, 550 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:34,200 Speaker 2: which is what these things are. Is it actually serving you? 551 00:32:35,320 --> 00:32:38,400 Speaker 2: Is it making your life better to push people away? 552 00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,840 Speaker 2: Is it making your life better to keep going for 553 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:45,040 Speaker 2: people who are emotionally unavailable so that you can keep 554 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,280 Speaker 2: them at a distance. It might make you feel emotionally 555 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:52,960 Speaker 2: safer because it minimizes the capacity to be hurt again, 556 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:56,480 Speaker 2: But in the long run, I just don't feel like 557 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,240 Speaker 2: we have to live in this state of always being 558 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:05,320 Speaker 2: hyper vigilant to the potential for hurt. Part of that 559 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 2: involves allowing people in taking a chance on your ability 560 00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:13,040 Speaker 2: to trust someone else even though you know that they 561 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:17,440 Speaker 2: could potentially hurt you. Now, this is I was going 562 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:18,720 Speaker 2: to talk about this a little bit more, but we 563 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,440 Speaker 2: actually have a whole episode on this called Understanding Our 564 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,320 Speaker 2: Fear of Intimacy, and there is just a lot more 565 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,160 Speaker 2: advice in there that I feel like I would just 566 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 2: be repeating. So if you want more information on that, 567 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,240 Speaker 2: go and listen to that episode. It talks about how 568 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:36,680 Speaker 2: to push past fear and relationships, how to unpack fear, 569 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,080 Speaker 2: how to unpack the wounds I hate, father wounds that 570 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:45,280 Speaker 2: contribute to anxiety and stress and repetition in our relationship patterns. 571 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,000 Speaker 2: The thing about these kinds of wounds, like father wounds, 572 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:51,040 Speaker 2: is that they do often become generational, right, they do 573 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:55,200 Speaker 2: often get passed down and not just generation, but they 574 00:33:55,240 --> 00:34:00,160 Speaker 2: do become repeated and very ingrained. And it impacts the 575 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,280 Speaker 2: people around us, but most of all, it impacts our 576 00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:05,680 Speaker 2: own happiness and our own fulfillment and our sense of peace. 577 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:09,040 Speaker 2: That is, who matters the most in this situation. You, 578 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:11,279 Speaker 2: You matter the most, And I think there is a 579 00:34:11,280 --> 00:34:14,760 Speaker 2: lot of power in how we choose to speak to ourselves, 580 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:17,080 Speaker 2: to get rid of that angry or disappointing voice in 581 00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,279 Speaker 2: our head, to release our own sense of blame and 582 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:23,399 Speaker 2: shame that seems to linger even after we've moved out, 583 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:26,160 Speaker 2: even after we have no contact with our father, And 584 00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:30,719 Speaker 2: that is where the practice of reparenting also becomes so critical. 585 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,200 Speaker 2: You may have heard about in a child healing or 586 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:38,200 Speaker 2: in a teen healing recently. We've talked about it before 587 00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:41,920 Speaker 2: on the podcast. I think it is a real amazing 588 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:47,520 Speaker 2: way of thinking about childhood problems as having adult solutions. Right, 589 00:34:48,000 --> 00:34:50,600 Speaker 2: there is something that you can do about them even 590 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:54,680 Speaker 2: if you're no longer in that situation. So basically, the 591 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:57,760 Speaker 2: premise of this kind of healing is that our childhood 592 00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,160 Speaker 2: self does not disappear. Memories that we make at that 593 00:35:01,239 --> 00:35:04,440 Speaker 2: time remain. They are a foundation for all of our 594 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,840 Speaker 2: future experiences, for our interpretations, for how we see the world, 595 00:35:08,560 --> 00:35:11,600 Speaker 2: and there are things that are stored in those past 596 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:16,920 Speaker 2: versions of ourselves that impact us in the current day. Obviously, 597 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,919 Speaker 2: we cannot go back and undo the past. As sad 598 00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:24,480 Speaker 2: as it is, there is nothing we can say, nothing 599 00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:28,440 Speaker 2: we can do that is going to undo those experiences. 600 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 2: So we think a lot of us feel quite trapped 601 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:34,920 Speaker 2: by past trauma. Right. I'm only the things that have 602 00:35:34,960 --> 00:35:37,160 Speaker 2: happened to me, and there is nothing I can do 603 00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:40,279 Speaker 2: to act on those things because they are untouchable. But 604 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,880 Speaker 2: the idea around in a child healing is that that 605 00:35:44,040 --> 00:35:46,319 Speaker 2: version of you that was hurt, that was harmed, that 606 00:35:46,440 --> 00:35:50,320 Speaker 2: was damaged, that was put through psychological, emotional, physical pain, 607 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 2: they are still alive. They are still present, and as 608 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:57,719 Speaker 2: you become an adult, you have the opportunity to reparent 609 00:35:57,760 --> 00:35:59,920 Speaker 2: them in a way that it's going to be benefit 610 00:36:00,840 --> 00:36:05,000 Speaker 2: and healing. You are now responsible for creating a psychological 611 00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:09,120 Speaker 2: internal environment where you feel safe enough to explore the 612 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,760 Speaker 2: past and then heal from that by giving your inner 613 00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:17,160 Speaker 2: child what they never had while simultaneously showing yourself that 614 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,920 Speaker 2: you can meet your own needs. You are deserving of 615 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,480 Speaker 2: love or joy or safety or whatever it is that 616 00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:25,640 Speaker 2: you required that you did not get. You are safe now. 617 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:30,040 Speaker 2: The past is the past. That is a terrible thing, 618 00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:32,600 Speaker 2: but it is also a beautiful thing because you are 619 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,080 Speaker 2: now this future, current version of you, who knows more, 620 00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:38,160 Speaker 2: who can do more, who can act on your knowledge 621 00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:41,719 Speaker 2: and heal that version of you that couldn't help themselves. 622 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,560 Speaker 2: I really love this idea. Part of inner child healing 623 00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:50,319 Speaker 2: involves firstly like setting boundaries for yourself, the boundaries that 624 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:55,520 Speaker 2: your childhood self couldn't set, creating environments and opportunities for 625 00:36:55,680 --> 00:37:00,439 Speaker 2: joy and for happiness, giving in to your inner child's 626 00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,279 Speaker 2: by providing them with the things that they didn't get, 627 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:08,360 Speaker 2: whether that is like material and physical, like clothes that 628 00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,239 Speaker 2: they wanted or food that they want to they didn't have, 629 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:16,120 Speaker 2: or comforts that they weren't allowed to indulge in. And 630 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:19,000 Speaker 2: then also just speaking kindly to that version of you. 631 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:21,759 Speaker 2: Like I said, there is this inner critic in all 632 00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,759 Speaker 2: of us, and a lot of the time it sounds 633 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:27,239 Speaker 2: either like our mother or our father or someone from 634 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:30,160 Speaker 2: our history. We take on that negative voice and it 635 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:33,359 Speaker 2: becomes our own. So instead of thinking of it as 636 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,240 Speaker 2: your father's voice, think of it as you're inner child's voice, 637 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:39,480 Speaker 2: of this five year old self sitting in front of 638 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:43,640 Speaker 2: you saying I feel stupid, I feel unlovable, I feel undeserving. 639 00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:46,080 Speaker 2: If a five year old was saying that to you, 640 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:49,920 Speaker 2: what would you say back to them? You wouldn't be like, 641 00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:51,359 Speaker 2: oh my god, shut up, I don't want to think 642 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:54,279 Speaker 2: that anymore. You wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, you're totally right, 643 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:56,560 Speaker 2: that is who we are, of course not that's a 644 00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:59,080 Speaker 2: five year old child, that is a seven year old child, 645 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:02,399 Speaker 2: that that is an infant. And so treat them as 646 00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,400 Speaker 2: if that version of you was sitting in front of 647 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,680 Speaker 2: you right now saying all those things. How would you 648 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,000 Speaker 2: speak back to them? How would you ask them to 649 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:11,799 Speaker 2: change their thoughts to be more aligned with how much 650 00:38:11,840 --> 00:38:14,279 Speaker 2: you love them, and the goodness and the vulnerability and 651 00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:17,239 Speaker 2: the purity that you can see in them. There are 652 00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:19,480 Speaker 2: so many other examples of this that I think are 653 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:22,640 Speaker 2: so valuable, But basically, what it comes down to is 654 00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:28,200 Speaker 2: just radical self compassion, choosing to love yourself forcefully, almost 655 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,600 Speaker 2: even when everything about your past, everything about who you 656 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:34,960 Speaker 2: believe you are, is telling you that you are underserving. 657 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:38,840 Speaker 2: It is almost an act of rebellion to say, no, 658 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,200 Speaker 2: I'm not going to listen to that. I'm going to 659 00:38:41,239 --> 00:38:43,360 Speaker 2: set a whole new attitude towards myself. I'm going to 660 00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:46,040 Speaker 2: set up a whole new perspective, a whole new way 661 00:38:46,040 --> 00:38:48,440 Speaker 2: of living that is one of joy, that is one 662 00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:51,560 Speaker 2: of acceptance, that is one of love and openness and 663 00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:54,400 Speaker 2: whatever happened in the past is in the past. I 664 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,920 Speaker 2: now have a duty to embrace it and move forward. 665 00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:00,799 Speaker 2: So I think that's where I'm going to end that episode. 666 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,040 Speaker 2: I want to send complete utter love to any one 667 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,160 Speaker 2: of you who is dealing with a father wound right now. 668 00:39:07,239 --> 00:39:10,120 Speaker 2: I really hope that this has helped you understand it more, 669 00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:13,919 Speaker 2: understand how it does make us who we are. Why 670 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,840 Speaker 2: there are certain things in your life right now that 671 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,360 Speaker 2: feel out of control because they may not even be 672 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:22,560 Speaker 2: in your control, there subconsciously coming from childhood treatment that 673 00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:26,320 Speaker 2: you are not aware of yet. I will also say 674 00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,359 Speaker 2: there is so much that a therapist can help with 675 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,799 Speaker 2: when it comes to this, particularly a psychotherapist. A lot 676 00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:36,080 Speaker 2: of the stuff that happens in our unconscious has been 677 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:38,759 Speaker 2: kind of described and derived from a lot of Carl 678 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:42,880 Speaker 2: Jung's work, and he obviously informs psychotherapy. So there are 679 00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:45,719 Speaker 2: people out there who are so equipped to help you 680 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:48,400 Speaker 2: through this. But I am really sending you love and 681 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:51,080 Speaker 2: I'm sending you healing, and I hope that you learned something. 682 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:54,319 Speaker 2: I hope that you understand yourself better now. And if 683 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:56,160 Speaker 2: you did enjoy this episode and you feel like there 684 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:58,680 Speaker 2: is someone else who needs to hear it. Please feel 685 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:00,920 Speaker 2: free to send it to them and make sure you 686 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:04,960 Speaker 2: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever 687 00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:08,080 Speaker 2: you are listening right now, and if you have thoughts, 688 00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,880 Speaker 2: have feelings want to share, you can send me a 689 00:40:10,920 --> 00:40:14,720 Speaker 2: message at that psychology podcast. I love hearing from you guys. 690 00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,160 Speaker 2: If you have an episode suggestion, if you want us 691 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:19,560 Speaker 2: to dive into mother Wounds next, maybe that would be 692 00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:23,399 Speaker 2: a great one to do. Please let me know and 693 00:40:23,640 --> 00:40:26,520 Speaker 2: as always, be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, 694 00:40:26,960 --> 00:40:35,360 Speaker 2: and we will be back next week with another episode.