WEBVTT - 2026 Update: Julia 0:00:15.210 --> 0:00:15.730 Pushkin. 0:00:20.290 --> 0:00:24.570 Hi, Hello, we're back again in the studio. 0:00:25.130 --> 0:00:26.730 Yes, and in your earbuds. 0:00:26.890 --> 0:00:26.970 Ye. 0:00:27.170 --> 0:00:29.050 Who do we have on the docket today? 0:00:29.450 --> 0:00:31.410 This one? Her name's Julia. 0:00:31.490 --> 0:00:33.650 Okay. This episode is the first one that I ever 0:00:33.690 --> 0:00:36.090 did with a stranger. Yeah, like someone that wasn't a 0:00:36.090 --> 0:00:37.690 friend or a family And it was a little scary. 0:00:37.690 --> 0:00:41.529 It was a little intimidating. Julia is a journalist and 0:00:42.250 --> 0:00:43.849 I needed to step up. 0:00:45.050 --> 0:00:46.130 It's a great episode. 0:00:46.370 --> 0:00:49.050 Partly because of Julia kept me on the straightened arrow. 0:00:49.209 --> 0:00:49.449 Yeah. 0:00:49.530 --> 0:00:51.570 No, I was gonna say it's great, not because of us, 0:00:51.730 --> 0:00:55.330 because of Julia and spoiler alert, another woman we talked to, 0:00:56.410 --> 0:00:56.889 h if. 0:00:56.770 --> 0:00:59.170 You stick around. At the end of the episode, I 0:00:59.290 --> 0:01:04.770 talk again with Julia, and what was really very gratifying 0:01:04.850 --> 0:01:09.250 to me was how the episode really did have have 0:01:09.850 --> 0:01:11.570 an important impact on our life. 0:01:12.170 --> 0:01:14.090 All right, well, I'm looking forward to listening to this 0:01:14.130 --> 0:01:14.530 one again. 0:01:14.810 --> 0:01:21.730 Yes, let's both sit down. I'm already seated, and silence. 0:01:23.450 --> 0:01:24.370 Do you have any snacks? 0:01:24.890 --> 0:01:26.810 No, I can't eat a snack silently. 0:01:27.010 --> 0:01:28.050 It was a trick question. 0:01:28.210 --> 0:01:29.929 Oh did I pass? Yes? 0:01:30.010 --> 0:01:30.370 You did? 0:01:30.490 --> 0:01:31.250 Thank God? 0:01:31.610 --> 0:01:35.770 All right, and here we go. Oh but first we're 0:01:35.770 --> 0:01:40.290 gonna pay those bills. Gonna pay my automobills with a 0:01:40.290 --> 0:01:52.850 word from our sponsor. Hello, happy birthday, birthday girl. Are 0:01:52.850 --> 0:01:54.290 you going out for dinner tonight with Rick? 0:01:54.970 --> 0:01:55.010 What? 0:01:55.410 --> 0:01:58.450 It's not my birthday for another seven months? 0:02:00.330 --> 0:02:01.690 You hang on a second, hang. 0:02:01.530 --> 0:02:03.730 On, I'm hanging hanging out in traffic, So. 0:02:03.650 --> 0:02:04.490 That's perfect for you. 0:02:04.770 --> 0:02:07.530 According to my calendar alert, it is your birthday. 0:02:12.130 --> 0:02:13.769 Because I don't know how many times I'm gonna say 0:02:13.770 --> 0:02:15.370 it's not my birthday and how many times you're gonna 0:02:15.370 --> 0:02:19.650 repeat that it is my birthday. This year you didn't Actually, 0:02:20.130 --> 0:02:21.290 this year, you forgot. 0:02:21.010 --> 0:02:26.210 To call me on my birthday, not even an email, nothing. 0:02:27.970 --> 0:02:30.690 Okay, okay, what about that time you got me an 0:02:30.690 --> 0:02:35.570 ice cream cake for my birthday knowing I'm lactose sensitive. 0:02:36.970 --> 0:02:39.410 Do you remember the man at the roller ring kept 0:02:39.450 --> 0:02:40.970 on knocking on the bathroom door? 0:02:47.450 --> 0:02:49.489 That's good? Are you kidding me? 0:02:54.730 --> 0:02:59.250 From Gimblet Media, I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight 0:02:59.810 --> 0:03:16.450 Today's episode. Julia. Julia is a journalist and she's endlessly 0:03:16.570 --> 0:03:20.290 curious about the world around her. Once on assignment for 0:03:20.330 --> 0:03:23.890 The New York Times, she investigated the benefits of bacteria 0:03:24.410 --> 0:03:27.049 and as a part of her research. She didn't bathe 0:03:27.090 --> 0:03:30.770 for a month. She's done political stories too, where she's 0:03:30.850 --> 0:03:34.810 kept after a source or a story for years, which 0:03:34.850 --> 0:03:37.690 is what makes her reluctance to seek out the answer 0:03:37.930 --> 0:03:40.330 to a question that's been dogging her for over two 0:03:40.450 --> 0:03:42.970 decades all the more curious. 0:03:43.330 --> 0:03:46.170 I think the story begins on a Monday. I'm pretty 0:03:46.210 --> 0:03:49.250 sure it's a Monday, and I was fourteen years old. 0:03:49.970 --> 0:03:52.970 This is Julia, and the question she can't stop thinking 0:03:53.050 --> 0:03:56.730 about revolves around a moment from her own life. It 0:03:56.770 --> 0:03:59.730 all began twenty one years ago in the eighth grade 0:04:00.130 --> 0:04:03.050 at one of the fanciest all girls schools in Montreal. 0:04:04.330 --> 0:04:08.210 I remember wearing my itchy green kilt. 0:04:09.810 --> 0:04:12.730 You have to wear a uniform there, Yes, okay, that's. 0:04:12.570 --> 0:04:16.690 Sort of a puke green uniform with a button down 0:04:16.729 --> 0:04:18.850 white shirt, and on Mondays we had to wear ties. 0:04:19.729 --> 0:04:20.930 We also had bloomers. 0:04:21.250 --> 0:04:23.330 I don't think I ever understood what bloomers were. 0:04:23.690 --> 0:04:28.409 It was just sort of like a balloon with holes 0:04:28.409 --> 0:04:29.009 in the bottom. 0:04:29.450 --> 0:04:30.650 And were they ruffled? 0:04:30.810 --> 0:04:38.689 No, cursed with a lifelong inability to distinguish between bloomers, couloats, pantelats, pantaloons, drawers, 0:04:38.690 --> 0:04:41.890 and even knickerbockers. I was glad for the opportunity to 0:04:41.969 --> 0:04:46.010 finally sort it all out, but that's not why we're here. 0:04:46.529 --> 0:04:49.649 So after about fifteen minutes of inquiry, I was ready 0:04:49.650 --> 0:04:53.489 to move on. Okay, sorry, yes, I'll go go on. 0:04:56.450 --> 0:05:00.409 As I left morning assembly on Monday and walked into homeroom, 0:05:01.570 --> 0:05:08.969 I looked for my desk and I stopped and looked around, 0:05:09.169 --> 0:05:14.289 and it was missing. My desk was gone, and that 0:05:14.409 --> 0:05:15.329 was where it started. 0:05:22.289 --> 0:05:25.009 The desk had been hidden by her classmates, and that 0:05:25.169 --> 0:05:28.529 was just the beginning. Without warning, the girl she'd been 0:05:28.570 --> 0:05:32.210 friends with since third grade completely froze her out, and 0:05:32.289 --> 0:05:36.130 Julia had no clue why. To top it off, her 0:05:36.169 --> 0:05:38.529 best friend was the ringleader. 0:05:39.489 --> 0:05:43.210 The girl who used to be my best friend. I 0:05:43.210 --> 0:05:45.650 guess we can give her a name. Let's call her Jane. 0:05:46.609 --> 0:05:49.210 It was just strange knowing that she and I had 0:05:49.650 --> 0:05:53.009 hung out at my house and all of the secrets 0:05:53.089 --> 0:05:55.489 music exchange and all of the fun we'd had, and 0:05:55.529 --> 0:06:00.409 then seeing how she was being now it just it 0:06:00.450 --> 0:06:01.170 was a bit surreal. 0:06:01.210 --> 0:06:10.810 But yeah, then let's started happening. Was every time she 0:06:10.849 --> 0:06:14.130 walked into the classroom, Julia noticed that the girls would 0:06:14.169 --> 0:06:17.809 drop what they were doing and study her. If she 0:06:17.890 --> 0:06:21.529 so much as scratched her nose or sniffled, they'd furiously 0:06:21.570 --> 0:06:25.009 take notes. It seemed like everyone was collaborating on some 0:06:25.130 --> 0:06:29.690 big project that she knew nothing about. The notes were 0:06:29.690 --> 0:06:33.049 collected by Jane, who buried them in her desk. The 0:06:33.089 --> 0:06:37.770 girls kept at it day after day until finally Julia 0:06:37.810 --> 0:06:41.249 reached her breaking point. She gathered up her courage, and, 0:06:41.570 --> 0:06:45.609 like the good reporter she'd eventually become, decided to investigate. 0:06:46.049 --> 0:06:51.210 I eventually snuck into homeroom one day during recess. It 0:06:51.250 --> 0:06:56.169 was empty, and I searched Jane's desk, and there at 0:06:56.210 --> 0:07:02.049 the bottom I found a nicely bound document with a 0:07:02.049 --> 0:07:04.849 cover page. And I picked it up and read it, 0:07:05.330 --> 0:07:09.089 and it said one hundred reasons why we hate you 0:07:12.290 --> 0:07:16.770 in my memory. This document I'm holding is one hundred 0:07:16.810 --> 0:07:20.610 pages long, but I'm sure it was only ten. And 0:07:20.690 --> 0:07:27.810 I opened it and inside I read about myself. Everything 0:07:27.970 --> 0:07:32.090 was something about me that they hated. I hate the 0:07:32.090 --> 0:07:36.569 way she walks, I hate the sound of her voice, 0:07:37.489 --> 0:07:38.410 I hate her face. 0:07:47.929 --> 0:07:52.450 After that, Julia started skipping school. Eventually, she told her 0:07:52.450 --> 0:07:55.530 parents what was going on, and they contacted the administration, 0:07:56.090 --> 0:08:00.489 but the bullying continued. Ultimately, her parents decided that the 0:08:00.530 --> 0:08:02.850 only solution was to send her to a new school, 0:08:03.250 --> 0:08:05.090 but Julia still had a few weeks left at the 0:08:05.130 --> 0:08:05.569 old one. 0:08:06.290 --> 0:08:10.369 I became a double agent. I pretended that I was 0:08:10.410 --> 0:08:15.290 coming back the following year, and I didn't tell anyone 0:08:15.330 --> 0:08:18.170 I was changing schools because I had no friends left 0:08:18.170 --> 0:08:18.489 to tell. 0:08:20.610 --> 0:08:24.129 The school year ended and her new life began, But 0:08:24.210 --> 0:08:27.250 because her new school was so close to the old one, 0:08:27.369 --> 0:08:30.249 Julia lived in constant fear that her old life would 0:08:30.290 --> 0:08:33.850 find her. Every day, she'd map her route to and 0:08:33.890 --> 0:08:37.650 from school, carefully avoiding the streets her old friends lived on, 0:08:38.170 --> 0:08:40.690 the coffee shops they hung out at, and for the 0:08:40.690 --> 0:08:44.330 most part, it worked. For those first few weeks at 0:08:44.330 --> 0:08:46.850 her new school, she managed to hide in plain sight. 0:08:47.530 --> 0:08:49.850 She was starting to feel like things would be okay. 0:08:51.170 --> 0:08:55.090 But then one day after school, Julia was upstairs in 0:08:55.130 --> 0:08:59.730 the den doing homework and the doorbell rang. She went 0:08:59.770 --> 0:09:02.290 to her parents' bedroom window and looked down at the 0:09:02.330 --> 0:09:06.410 doorstep and saw standing there her former best friend Jane, 0:09:07.170 --> 0:09:09.010 along with a few of her old classmates. 0:09:09.610 --> 0:09:11.610 I hit the ground as if someone was shelling the 0:09:11.650 --> 0:09:15.770 second floor windows. I was in a state of total panic, 0:09:16.050 --> 0:09:20.490 and I saw them in my mind's eye there on 0:09:20.530 --> 0:09:23.410 the front steps, waiting for someone to answer the door. 0:09:24.610 --> 0:09:28.970 And I was just on the ground, trying to breathe, 0:09:29.170 --> 0:09:33.650 and they rang the doorbell again and I waited. 0:09:39.570 --> 0:09:44.530 Eventually they left. And this is the moment that Julia 0:09:44.570 --> 0:09:48.490 has fixated on for over twenty years. Why had the 0:09:48.530 --> 0:09:51.730 girls shown up at her door? And what did they want? 0:09:52.650 --> 0:09:55.450 Maybe they'd shown up to bully her, but maybe they'd 0:09:55.450 --> 0:09:58.410 had a change of heart, realized how mean they'd been 0:09:58.810 --> 0:10:02.850 and were there to apologize. Whatever the case, Julia was 0:10:02.890 --> 0:10:05.850 too scared to open the door and find out, and 0:10:06.010 --> 0:10:09.370 that decision to not go downstairs and face the girls 0:10:09.370 --> 0:10:13.570 who tormented her still haunts Julia. Even listening to her 0:10:13.610 --> 0:10:16.650 talk about it all these years later, it still feels raw. 0:10:17.250 --> 0:10:21.970 I'm thirty five now, and that day has become one 0:10:22.010 --> 0:10:29.170 of my only regrets because the memory of my weakness 0:10:30.730 --> 0:10:35.410 sometimes supersedes all of the strong things I've done since then, 0:10:36.370 --> 0:10:37.530 and it makes me feel weak. 0:10:40.170 --> 0:10:44.050 Even though you were you were just a child, I 0:10:44.090 --> 0:10:44.730 was fourteen. 0:10:45.730 --> 0:10:49.490 I think it's the memory of that fear still somewhere 0:10:50.370 --> 0:10:54.450 in my physiology. It makes me fearful when I think 0:10:54.490 --> 0:10:57.690 of it, I just wish i'd gone down there. I 0:10:57.690 --> 0:11:02.610 wish I'd had the guts. 0:11:05.810 --> 0:11:07.730 What do you think has stopped you up until now 0:11:07.770 --> 0:11:11.210 from just using the question, you know, like just finding 0:11:11.250 --> 0:11:14.290 the girls and just asking them why they were there 0:11:14.330 --> 0:11:14.690 that day. 0:11:16.570 --> 0:11:20.290 I'm afraid to find out what I did to bring 0:11:21.050 --> 0:11:28.450 on the bullying, because it's very possible that I was bad. 0:11:32.530 --> 0:11:34.770 I think, deep down I don't really know what was wrong. 0:11:34.850 --> 0:11:36.290 I don't know what was wrong with me, and I 0:11:36.290 --> 0:11:37.090 don't want to know what. 0:11:37.090 --> 0:11:37.690 Was wrong with me. 0:11:39.730 --> 0:11:43.690 I mean, it feels like you're being really hard on yourself, 0:11:43.970 --> 0:11:48.770 or being hard on this little kid basically, you know, like, 0:11:48.810 --> 0:11:50.929 do you look at photographs of yourself at that age? 0:11:53.810 --> 0:11:55.290 I try not too well. 0:11:55.330 --> 0:11:58.010 I think it'd be surprised by like I mean, I 0:11:58.050 --> 0:12:00.730 have memories of being that age where I thought like 0:12:01.450 --> 0:12:03.050 I was at weddings and I thought I was like 0:12:03.090 --> 0:12:05.050 flirting with adult women and stuff like that. And I 0:12:05.130 --> 0:12:07.770 look at pictures of myself and I look like a 0:12:07.810 --> 0:12:08.770 cabbage patch doll. 0:12:10.330 --> 0:12:10.610 You know. 0:12:10.890 --> 0:12:13.570 I think I probably looked like the tin men because 0:12:13.610 --> 0:12:16.530 I had a full set of braces. And then after 0:12:16.570 --> 0:12:19.210 I graduated from my braces. I immediately went to headgear 0:12:19.250 --> 0:12:21.330 neck gear combo. I don't know if you've ever had that. 0:12:21.370 --> 0:12:23.690 But I've only seen them on TV sitcoms. 0:12:24.130 --> 0:12:28.810 So combine that with my glasses. It was a sad 0:12:28.850 --> 0:12:29.650 state of affairs. 0:12:30.610 --> 0:12:33.970 As soon as she graduated high school, Julia left Montreal 0:12:34.570 --> 0:12:35.010 for good. 0:12:35.610 --> 0:12:38.130 Depending on how you know the outcome of that conversation, 0:12:38.570 --> 0:12:44.170 I might have chosen not to leave Montreal. When I'm 0:12:44.170 --> 0:12:47.970 in Montreal once a year, I avoid the neighborhood I 0:12:48.010 --> 0:12:50.530 grew up in where all of this went down for 0:12:50.570 --> 0:12:55.370 the most part, and those girls are long gone. I mean, 0:12:55.370 --> 0:12:58.050 we're all grown ass women now with careers and jobs 0:12:58.050 --> 0:13:03.610 and kids. And here I am avoiding friends of friends 0:13:03.650 --> 0:13:06.690 on Facebook because I don't want any of those girls 0:13:06.690 --> 0:13:08.090 to know what's going on with my life. 0:13:09.570 --> 0:13:11.890 Do you feel like, had you answered the door and 0:13:11.930 --> 0:13:15.690 they had apologized to you, that that would have changed 0:13:15.770 --> 0:13:18.410 your life in some way, that it would have changed 0:13:18.450 --> 0:13:24.810 your relationship with your past and the city and these friends. 0:13:25.610 --> 0:13:30.130 I think it might have, but I'll never know what 0:13:30.170 --> 0:13:32.770 they wanted to say to me because I didn't answer 0:13:32.770 --> 0:13:33.090 the door. 0:13:34.530 --> 0:13:36.770 It's scary to return to the moment you've spent your 0:13:36.810 --> 0:13:40.370 whole life running from. So when I gently suggest that 0:13:40.450 --> 0:13:42.250 you try to find out why they were at the 0:13:42.290 --> 0:13:45.970 door that day, Julius suggests that maybe the past to 0:13:46.210 --> 0:13:48.010 just stay in the past. 0:13:49.450 --> 0:13:52.610 You know, we move on with our lives. We you know, 0:13:52.810 --> 0:13:58.650 we move on, and it's another thing to open up. 0:13:58.890 --> 0:14:00.130 You know that Pandora's Box. 0:14:00.170 --> 0:14:04.490 Again, even the language that you're using about fear of 0:14:04.570 --> 0:14:07.250 opening up that Pandora's box, it is so similar to 0:14:07.290 --> 0:14:10.210 the language that you used and describe like fear of 0:14:10.290 --> 0:14:11.130 opening that door. 0:14:13.530 --> 0:14:15.530 So what you're saying is I should really just finish 0:14:15.610 --> 0:14:16.370 the job. 0:14:18.610 --> 0:14:19.250 I think so. 0:14:28.050 --> 0:14:48.330 After the break opening Pandora's Box, in spite of her 0:14:48.330 --> 0:14:51.690 initial trepidation, once Julia decided to find out why the 0:14:51.730 --> 0:14:54.570 girls came to her door that day, she was all in. 0:14:55.370 --> 0:14:59.050 Watching her take it on was impressive. Julia went back 0:14:59.090 --> 0:15:02.330 to Montreal and reached out to her former best friend Jane, 0:15:02.650 --> 0:15:05.170 who agreed to meet with her but said she didn't 0:15:05.210 --> 0:15:09.090 remember anything. And so, for the first time since eighth grade, 0:15:09.530 --> 0:15:12.290 Julia returned to her former school to go through the 0:15:12.370 --> 0:15:16.170 yearbook and find the names of her old classmates, and 0:15:16.210 --> 0:15:18.090 then she started searching. 0:15:18.690 --> 0:15:26.530 I reached out to probably twelve girls from from my grade. Yeah, 0:15:27.330 --> 0:15:31.010 and in my worst moments, I imagine that none of 0:15:31.010 --> 0:15:32.690 them were going to write back, and it was sort 0:15:32.730 --> 0:15:36.530 of going to feel like, you know, I was on 0:15:36.570 --> 0:15:40.290 the outside of the group again, you know, and that 0:15:40.290 --> 0:15:42.730 the social dynamics I remembered from the eighth grade were 0:15:42.730 --> 0:15:45.170 still in play and all that. But then the responses 0:15:45.210 --> 0:15:46.210 started to trickle in. 0:15:49.370 --> 0:15:51.930 Hello, Hello, Hello, Yeah, this is Julia. 0:15:52.170 --> 0:15:55.530 Julia logged hours and hours of interviews school. 0:15:55.930 --> 0:15:58.050 And rang my doorbell. I thought you might have been 0:15:58.090 --> 0:15:59.770 one of them. I don't think so. Do you remember 0:15:59.810 --> 0:16:00.530 anything about that? 0:16:00.850 --> 0:16:01.370 Was I there? 0:16:01.810 --> 0:16:04.650 No? Oh boy, I don't remember much about high school. 0:16:05.250 --> 0:16:07.890 I remember one time you were hiding in. 0:16:07.890 --> 0:16:11.330 A bathroom stall, But just like Jane, not a single 0:16:11.370 --> 0:16:13.690 person said they could remember showing up at her door 0:16:13.730 --> 0:16:14.090 that day. 0:16:14.170 --> 0:16:16.770 Oh yeah, Well, I honestly don't remember doing that. 0:16:16.930 --> 0:16:17.410 I don't. 0:16:17.730 --> 0:16:19.490 I don't, I don't. 0:16:19.570 --> 0:16:22.610 I'm sorry, I don't. I don't remember anything. I just 0:16:23.010 --> 0:16:26.570 don't remember it. Promise you I have no recollection of this. 0:16:27.890 --> 0:16:28.570 I'm sorry. 0:16:29.370 --> 0:16:31.650 Sorry, sorry. 0:16:32.050 --> 0:16:34.850 Well, what each of them did remember was their own pain. 0:16:35.570 --> 0:16:37.730 There'd been a lot of bullying that year, and no 0:16:37.770 --> 0:16:41.650 one felt safe. Julia heard about one girl who'd found 0:16:41.650 --> 0:16:45.450 her desk filled with meticulously cut out images from porn magazines. 0:16:46.050 --> 0:16:48.690 Another girl remembered someone spreading rumors. 0:16:48.250 --> 0:16:51.290 That she had aids. I hated that place, said one. 0:16:51.850 --> 0:16:54.850 It's all a big fog of chaos, said another, a 0:16:54.930 --> 0:16:57.530 dark cloud over the class. You never knew who you 0:16:57.530 --> 0:17:02.410 could trust. We were awful, awful little girls. The more 0:17:02.530 --> 0:17:04.810 Julia heard about it, it started to sound like a 0:17:04.850 --> 0:17:07.850 Stephen King novel, and not one of those cutesy ones 0:17:07.889 --> 0:17:16.770 about clowns or talk cars. In almost every conversation, one 0:17:16.889 --> 0:17:19.050 name kept coming up as the person who had it 0:17:19.050 --> 0:17:23.650 the worst. Even Julia acknowledged it. The name was Sarah Taba. 0:17:24.689 --> 0:17:27.489 Sarah had the misfortune of being the only eighth grader 0:17:27.530 --> 0:17:30.850 who was slightly overweight, and as such she was always 0:17:30.929 --> 0:17:34.369 kept at a distance in high school. I was also 0:17:34.449 --> 0:17:37.530 someone who existed on the margins, so I understand how 0:17:37.570 --> 0:17:41.289 oftentimes kids like me, kids like Sarah Taba, become the 0:17:41.330 --> 0:17:46.090 eyes and ears of the school, fidgety, uncomfortable witnesses forced 0:17:46.090 --> 0:17:48.930 to watch from the wings. I'm reminded of this all 0:17:48.970 --> 0:17:50.770 the time with the friends I went to high school 0:17:50.850 --> 0:17:54.010 with who were more popular than me. Remember the time 0:17:54.090 --> 0:17:56.449 Robert Siolick wore a three piece suit to school? I 0:17:56.490 --> 0:18:00.050 ask the time Madame Reber slammed the classroom door so 0:18:00.209 --> 0:18:03.050 hard the clock fell off the wall, the day Sharon 0:18:03.090 --> 0:18:07.329 Wiener got suspended for leaving the schoolyard during recess. Of 0:18:07.369 --> 0:18:11.169 course they don't they living their lives. But I was 0:18:11.209 --> 0:18:15.409 on the sidelines taking it all in, remembering. 0:18:20.889 --> 0:18:24.250 Hi, Sarah, Hi, it's been a really long time. 0:18:24.490 --> 0:18:28.690 Yeah, yes it has. 0:18:30.250 --> 0:18:33.689 Having all these conversations made Julia think about Sarah and 0:18:33.730 --> 0:18:36.529 what she might remember. But when she asked her if 0:18:36.570 --> 0:18:39.090 she had any recollection about the day those girls showed 0:18:39.169 --> 0:18:41.770 up at her door, Sarah couldn't remember anything. 0:18:42.649 --> 0:18:44.169 The first thing I thought of when he said a 0:18:44.169 --> 0:18:46.449 group of girls right in the doorbelt, I immediately thought 0:18:46.490 --> 0:18:49.570 it would be a bad experience, Like it wasn't people 0:18:49.570 --> 0:18:53.010 coming looking for you to be like we miss you? 0:18:53.050 --> 0:18:53.649 Where are you? 0:18:54.970 --> 0:18:55.210 Yeah? 0:18:56.129 --> 0:18:58.850 Grade eight was a bad year at that girl. Either 0:18:58.850 --> 0:19:02.250 you were being bullied and picked on, or you had 0:19:02.290 --> 0:19:04.289 to turn around and become the bully. 0:19:05.609 --> 0:19:10.050 Yeah, there's something toxic, something dark. 0:19:10.850 --> 0:19:13.209 I think normal bullying. If there's such a thing as 0:19:13.250 --> 0:19:17.730 normal bullying, you can identify the perpetrator and the victim 0:19:17.850 --> 0:19:22.490 and the like. But it was just so pervasive. 0:19:24.090 --> 0:19:28.090 Do you remember the day that you realize that I 0:19:28.169 --> 0:19:28.609 was gone. 0:19:29.530 --> 0:19:34.690 I don't, actually, no, I remember feeling like you were 0:19:34.730 --> 0:19:35.729 just sad all the time. 0:19:36.490 --> 0:19:41.289 I remember you being sad too. Yeah. One thing I 0:19:41.330 --> 0:19:46.369 remember people would call you tubby taba. 0:19:48.330 --> 0:19:52.969 Doesn't surprise me. Yeah, I remember a lot of stuff 0:19:53.010 --> 0:20:01.809 like that. I can't help but think that our grades 0:20:01.929 --> 0:20:09.369 behavior had impacts on the staff. What do you mean, well, 0:20:11.010 --> 0:20:14.889 I actually I'm assuming you knew this, but maybe you didn't. 0:20:14.970 --> 0:20:22.409 But Miss McDonald killed herself the following year. Yeah. 0:20:22.530 --> 0:20:26.770 Mss McDonald was Julia's favorite teacher and Sarah's too. Miss 0:20:26.850 --> 0:20:29.449 McDonald had gone to the school as a student and 0:20:29.570 --> 0:20:33.010 later returned to teach biology. She was the fun teacher 0:20:33.330 --> 0:20:34.609 who wore frog earrings. 0:20:35.730 --> 0:20:39.130 You think that there was something to do with what 0:20:39.209 --> 0:20:43.570 was happening in the school that caused her to commit suicide. 0:20:46.330 --> 0:20:49.570 I think it had a role in her depression. She 0:20:49.649 --> 0:20:52.130 left right in the end of our grade eight year. 0:20:54.929 --> 0:21:00.009 She because what I knew of her and with her school, 0:21:00.330 --> 0:21:03.769 it was her passion. She was an old girl. She 0:21:03.889 --> 0:21:06.649 was there teaching. She wanted to instill this love of 0:21:06.770 --> 0:21:12.290 animals and biology and all of us, and we were 0:21:12.330 --> 0:21:15.929 a bunch of brats. I remember there being a lot 0:21:15.929 --> 0:21:18.369 of associations between that pig that she had on top 0:21:18.409 --> 0:21:22.889 of her TV and her a lot of comments about 0:21:22.889 --> 0:21:27.530 her way. Yeah, had an impact. 0:21:31.330 --> 0:21:34.410 Ms McDonald had been hospitalized over the summer, and when 0:21:34.449 --> 0:21:36.530 she came back in the fall, she was no longer 0:21:36.530 --> 0:21:40.729 the biology teacher, but a substitute. The last period of 0:21:40.770 --> 0:21:43.649 the last day she taught before she killed herself was 0:21:43.649 --> 0:21:48.090 a class called Personal and Religious Education. The students considered 0:21:48.090 --> 0:21:52.609 the class a joke. Sarah was there that day and. 0:21:52.649 --> 0:21:56.850 The grade was just running around and doing everything they 0:21:56.850 --> 0:21:59.689 weren't supposed to do in the classroom. She tried to 0:21:59.689 --> 0:22:01.570 get people to calm down and sit down and pay 0:22:01.570 --> 0:22:04.729 attention and like, I wasn't even trying to teach us anything. 0:22:04.770 --> 0:22:06.529 I don't even know if there was any material to 0:22:06.570 --> 0:22:10.810 cover that day. And then we showed up at school 0:22:10.850 --> 0:22:13.449 Monday morning to find out that she killed herself for 0:22:13.490 --> 0:22:13.929 the weekend. 0:22:14.609 --> 0:22:15.330 Oh my god. 0:22:20.929 --> 0:22:24.770 She was my role model. She was the person who 0:22:24.810 --> 0:22:31.850 survived the school despite not being the stereotypical prefect or 0:22:32.050 --> 0:22:39.450 perfect girl. She was just this wonderful, round woman who 0:22:39.929 --> 0:22:44.410 rejuvenated life and as an overweight teenager. For me, that 0:22:44.609 --> 0:22:48.090 was like, okay, so you don't have to be perfect 0:22:48.290 --> 0:22:54.090 to achieve anything. She was my role model who the 0:22:54.129 --> 0:22:57.009 next year killed herself and like shattered all my dreams 0:22:57.010 --> 0:23:00.690 that you can go about living your life the way 0:23:00.730 --> 0:23:06.609 you're living your life in this environment and succeed, which 0:23:06.649 --> 0:23:10.409 made me want to completely change my body. The only 0:23:10.409 --> 0:23:12.009 way that I was going to get through this school 0:23:12.250 --> 0:23:16.450 was to lose a bunch of way to gain the 0:23:16.490 --> 0:23:20.129 respect of these people that have basically disliked me since 0:23:20.689 --> 0:23:24.410 I was eleven, and I did it. 0:23:25.929 --> 0:23:29.209 Yeah, I've been really over the years. I wondered about you, 0:23:29.250 --> 0:23:31.249 and then when I looked you up on Facebook, I 0:23:31.290 --> 0:23:33.770 saw pictures of you and I clicked right by them. 0:23:33.810 --> 0:23:36.850 I thought, oh, I have the wrong person. Yeah, because 0:23:36.889 --> 0:23:40.609 you didn't look like yourself, right, So I mean you 0:23:40.970 --> 0:23:43.650 didn't you just stopped eating it sounds like. 0:23:46.090 --> 0:23:54.970 Yeah, yeah, in tenth grade, tenth through eleventh grade, and 0:23:55.010 --> 0:23:58.690 then basically destroyed myself in the process because it's an 0:23:58.770 --> 0:24:02.810 illness that I've been battling for the last twenty years. 0:24:14.050 --> 0:24:17.649 It's amazing what your childhood experiences can push you to 0:24:17.689 --> 0:24:22.169 do so that I definitely remember because that's how I 0:24:22.250 --> 0:24:24.850 ended up in the situation. I am now I'm actually 0:24:24.929 --> 0:24:28.489 talking to you from outside of a clinic for treating 0:24:28.530 --> 0:24:31.290 eating disorders. 0:24:30.530 --> 0:24:38.010 So I'm really sorry, Sarah. 0:24:38.730 --> 0:24:43.609 It's not your fault. That's the just a sad reality 0:24:43.649 --> 0:24:44.090 of all of this. 0:24:44.530 --> 0:24:55.049 It's like, yeah, please picture you know, my nerdy looking 0:24:55.490 --> 0:24:58.449 fourteen year old self giving you a big hug. 0:24:58.689 --> 0:25:05.969 Oh thanks. I actually do have to let you go 0:25:06.050 --> 0:25:09.969 because we have to have lunch now, but it was 0:25:10.369 --> 0:25:13.489 nice to speak, confute and do keep in touch. 0:25:23.010 --> 0:25:26.729 The conversation had left Julia feeling devastated. The scale of 0:25:26.770 --> 0:25:40.249 her own pain had been altered in the face of Sarah's. 0:25:41.290 --> 0:25:44.009 Later that night, I couldn't stop thinking about Julia and 0:25:44.050 --> 0:25:47.409 Sarah's conversation, and as I turned it around in my head, 0:25:47.929 --> 0:25:51.570 a theory began to form. Miss McDonald had died around 0:25:51.609 --> 0:25:54.489 the start of the school year. Wasn't it possible that 0:25:54.530 --> 0:25:56.810 those girls had shown up at Julia's door to let 0:25:56.810 --> 0:26:00.090 her know. Maybe they'd been worried about the way Julia 0:26:00.129 --> 0:26:03.129 had just disappeared from their school and feared the worst. 0:26:04.050 --> 0:26:06.290 Wasn't it possible the girls had meant good that day 0:26:06.330 --> 0:26:09.530