1 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:08,879 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,760 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,960 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:22,840 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello, it's great to have you 5 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: here listening in to the podcast. Welcome, Welcome back, Welcome. 6 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:32,080 Speaker 1: If it's your first time, I hope you stick around. Yeah, 7 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:35,199 Speaker 1: it's been a very busy couple of weeks for me, 8 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,559 Speaker 1: but I thought it was a really great time to 9 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,640 Speaker 1: talk about a topic that I've kind of had in 10 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 1: the archive, something I've wanted to talk about for a while. 11 00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: You've clicked on this episode, you know. We're talking about 12 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:52,879 Speaker 1: attachment styles and attachment theory, a big Pandora's box of 13 00:00:53,080 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: information and studies and misconceptions and psychobabble and pop culture. Yeah, 14 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:05,520 Speaker 1: a pretty big topic, one that is incredibly important in 15 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:09,560 Speaker 1: our twenties, probably one of the most important things for 16 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: the long term health and stability of our relationships throughout 17 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,720 Speaker 1: our lives. But it also has its roots in childhood. 18 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:21,039 Speaker 1: So a very complicated episode, but one that I think 19 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: definitely involves a bit of a discussion and some more 20 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:29,440 Speaker 1: information out there to really understand what attachment styles are 21 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:33,440 Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about them because their role in 22 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:39,119 Speaker 1: relationships of every nature, not just romantic relationships, is so 23 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:42,759 Speaker 1: important in our twenties, and like most things, this decade, 24 00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:46,440 Speaker 1: this first decade of adulthood is where they really start 25 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: to take a hold and solidify and concrete. So, yeah, 26 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,040 Speaker 1: they are super important, and they're important because really that 27 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 1: our health and well being is greatly influenced by our 28 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:05,600 Speaker 1: emotional and social connections with others, particularly those that are 29 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,239 Speaker 1: our life partners or those were intimate with, or those 30 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: we're really close with, like our family and our friends. 31 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:16,400 Speaker 1: And recently, attachment styles, I've seen them cropping up everywhere. 32 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:20,760 Speaker 1: They've become a big part of the psychobabble recently, and 33 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: they've been highly popularized to become kind of part of 34 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 1: our communication and part of general conversations. I see tiktoks 35 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:33,560 Speaker 1: about attachment styles all their time, saying like, oh, you know, 36 00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:35,720 Speaker 1: I'm an anxious attachment, which is why you know I 37 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,679 Speaker 1: need someone to message me back, or you know, I'm 38 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:42,200 Speaker 1: securely attached, Like this is what it's like, and all 39 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,119 Speaker 1: of it is kind of you know, using attachment styles 40 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: as a source of entertainment or as an explanation for 41 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: things that perhaps we all go through, but that is 42 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,520 Speaker 1: so far from the truth. Their role in pop culture 43 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:01,400 Speaker 1: and in our daily kind of conversations and dialogue really 44 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:06,800 Speaker 1: deeply misconstrues and differs from what attachment theory really seeks 45 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:12,280 Speaker 1: to explain in clinical psychology, and attachment styles are a 46 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:17,560 Speaker 1: way of explaining a disorder and a disordered way of relating, loving, 47 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,480 Speaker 1: and interacting with others. They're not a quick and easy explanation. 48 00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:27,440 Speaker 1: They're not a general explanation. They're actually quite serious, and 49 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 1: I think recently they have become almost like horoscopes, almost 50 00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:36,800 Speaker 1: like a personality assessment. When I was looking up some 51 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:40,360 Speaker 1: recent papers for to kind of bring into this episode 52 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,520 Speaker 1: and kind of doing my research, I found this website 53 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,360 Speaker 1: and on the website it was like take a quiz 54 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 1: to determine your attachment style, which I just found so funny. 55 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,120 Speaker 1: I found it so so funny because the internet or 56 00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: self assessment cannot confirm for you what your attachment style is. 57 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 1: It is so much more serious than that, and the 58 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,280 Speaker 1: true implications of what your attachment style are, particularly if 59 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,880 Speaker 1: you are not securely attached, a much more extreme and 60 00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,360 Speaker 1: severe and we're going to get into that later, but nonetheless, 61 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,280 Speaker 1: on a lighter, less extreme level, they are a really 62 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 1: interesting concept to consider and apply, especially on perhaps a 63 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 1: more scaled down level to our relationships in our twenties 64 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:34,720 Speaker 1: and primarily our romantic relationships. So let's jump in and 65 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:39,240 Speaker 1: discuss what attachment styles mean, the types of attachment styles, 66 00:04:40,279 --> 00:04:44,640 Speaker 1: their clinical implications, the history, and why they're not a 67 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:48,840 Speaker 1: death sentence for the stability and sustainability and healthiness of 68 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:56,880 Speaker 1: your relationship. Okay, so we're going to begin with a 69 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,359 Speaker 1: bit of a history lesson, as we often do with 70 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:03,679 Speaker 1: these episodes, talking about where attachment theory and the idea 71 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: of attachment styles have come from and their origin in 72 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: not just psychology but in the world and the context 73 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,520 Speaker 1: that kind of led to the theories around attachment style 74 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:21,560 Speaker 1: becoming quite popular and even originating in the first place. So, 75 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,640 Speaker 1: as is, although I think attachment styles, and if you 76 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,039 Speaker 1: do have some pre understanding of attachment styles and you 77 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,760 Speaker 1: know what the four attachment styles are, they might seem 78 00:05:29,839 --> 00:05:33,280 Speaker 1: quite common sense, and they might kind of seem quite 79 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:36,839 Speaker 1: intuitive something that we have probably we didn't need a 80 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: psychologist or some deep research to tell us. It's just 81 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:44,080 Speaker 1: a pretty yeah, pretty easy to understand concept that people 82 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,640 Speaker 1: relate to others and experience their relationships in different ways. 83 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:52,440 Speaker 1: But before the nineteen fifties, which is when research on 84 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 1: attachment styles first began, there really wasn't much of an 85 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:02,039 Speaker 1: investigation into how people relate to others and how that 86 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,480 Speaker 1: might be different, the outcomes that that might have for them, 87 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,800 Speaker 1: and where it kind of begins. So attachment theory came 88 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 1: from the brain was the brainchild of a psychologist and 89 00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,839 Speaker 1: a researcher called John Bolby. If you have studied psychology before, 90 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,960 Speaker 1: you would have heard this name. He is very famous 91 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:25,320 Speaker 1: in social psychology, one of the first leading social psychologists, 92 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:29,000 Speaker 1: primarily because of his work on attachment styles, which is 93 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: obviously what we are discussing today. So John Bolby, he 94 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,679 Speaker 1: began his work in the nineteen fifties after World War Two, 95 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 1: and what he observed why he wanted to look into this, 96 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 1: the different ways that people relate to each other, was 97 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: because he was observing this strange pattern in a lot 98 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 1: of children, where children were entering their teenage years and 99 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: children that were born during World War One, sorry, World 100 00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: War two, we're entering their teenage years, and there seemed 101 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:03,840 Speaker 1: to be very different outcomes in very different ways that 102 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,480 Speaker 1: kids were relating to their caregivers and to their romantic partners, 103 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: their teachers, their friends. And what he thought was this 104 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: probably has something to do with the role and the 105 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: differing role that parents had with their kids during World 106 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,520 Speaker 1: War Two. You know, it was a time of war. 107 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 1: People lost parents, people had distant parents, you know, men 108 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:29,480 Speaker 1: and women came back from the front lines and had PTSD, 109 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: and that really bled into their relationship and how they 110 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,680 Speaker 1: raised their children. And what he found was there were 111 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:40,840 Speaker 1: some kids that seemed to have much more secure relationships, 112 00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: be a lot less worried about their relationships compared to others. 113 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,760 Speaker 1: There was also this emerging idea that how we look 114 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: after and care for children when they are infants actually 115 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:57,160 Speaker 1: seems to be quite important. Before this, it was kind 116 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:00,440 Speaker 1: of I think, there was this idea that you know, kids, 117 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 1: all they really need is food and water and you know, 118 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:07,800 Speaker 1: a soft bed and they will be fine. Love and 119 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: things like that and comfort and security. Yep, they're important. 120 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,520 Speaker 1: They're nice, but they don't really determine what happens to 121 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 1: a child, and they don't really have much of an influence. 122 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,240 Speaker 1: But there was a big change in that and one 123 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:27,160 Speaker 1: of the reasons why there was this big investigation or 124 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,040 Speaker 1: study into these kids that were removed from their parents 125 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,960 Speaker 1: or were orphaned during the war or in the US, 126 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,640 Speaker 1: they were removed and they were put into the care 127 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:42,080 Speaker 1: of these nurses and these foster nurses. They weren't put 128 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,400 Speaker 1: into homes. They were put into hospital settings almost and 129 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,400 Speaker 1: all of these kids received the food, they received water, 130 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: they were clean, they had light, they exercised, their health 131 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: was taken care of, but they all quite a few 132 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:04,760 Speaker 1: of them started getting really sick or showing real signs 133 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:08,800 Speaker 1: of developmental delay. Some of them even died. And what 134 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,000 Speaker 1: they kind of realized from that was it's not just 135 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: the basic bare necessities that determine the outcomes for children 136 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 1: and are important to their health, but it's the kind 137 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:21,839 Speaker 1: of love they receive and the love and care they 138 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,839 Speaker 1: receive primarily from their caregiver. And in this situation, they 139 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,199 Speaker 1: didn't have a stable caregiver. They had people who were 140 00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,720 Speaker 1: employed to look after them, and these people rotated in 141 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:35,200 Speaker 1: and out of the hospital wards, there wasn't always the 142 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,559 Speaker 1: same person to look after you. And importantly, the kids 143 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:41,960 Speaker 1: that formed strong attachments and relationships with a particular nurse 144 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,080 Speaker 1: or a particular doctor did seem to do better, especially 145 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:49,920 Speaker 1: when that relationship did contain an extra degree of love. 146 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 1: So John Bolby steps into this saying, thinking and willing 147 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:59,160 Speaker 1: to explore in the wake of this kind of interesting phenomenon, 148 00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: why is that kids seemed to need love and need 149 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:07,560 Speaker 1: more than just the basic necessities to live. And that 150 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,440 Speaker 1: was also meeting some of those observations he was making 151 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: about these three to four different categories of children that 152 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,760 Speaker 1: were becoming adults and having difficulties in their relationships, some 153 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,599 Speaker 1: more than others. So John Bolby he run these experiments 154 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:26,360 Speaker 1: on children, observational experiments where he would have a child 155 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:29,959 Speaker 1: and a parent in a room and he would see 156 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:35,200 Speaker 1: what would happen when the parent left. Pretty simple, but 157 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:40,360 Speaker 1: the outcomes were really really interesting. Some children would naturally 158 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:44,640 Speaker 1: get upset, they would cry, but when someone else came in, 159 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: they could be comforted by someone else, but they did 160 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:52,199 Speaker 1: still really want their primary caregiver. These kids, he would assume, 161 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,120 Speaker 1: were quite secure, they had a good relationship with their caregiver, 162 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 1: but they also could be comforted by someone else and 163 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,960 Speaker 1: had to trust that they caregiver would return. Then there 164 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 1: were the other types of children, and these children were very, 165 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: very different in many many ways. So when their caregivers left, 166 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,920 Speaker 1: what tended to happen. There were three different types of reactions. 167 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: Some of the kids just did not give a fuck, 168 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:24,320 Speaker 1: like they really didn't care, which was really interesting because 169 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:30,680 Speaker 1: caregivers are so fundamental to the lives that we leave 170 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: as children. They're fundamental to our survival. We're dependent on 171 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:37,480 Speaker 1: them for absolutely everything. So it makes sense that the 172 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 1: relationship you have with your caregiver, with your primary care giver, 173 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,880 Speaker 1: whether that's a parent or someone else, would be really 174 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:47,520 Speaker 1: really important to your outcomes as a child, but also 175 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,319 Speaker 1: as an adult. They are just the most important figure 176 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:54,000 Speaker 1: in our lives. So John, mister Bowlby and this man 177 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,959 Speaker 1: observed that there was this category of children that when 178 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: their parents left, they really did not care. They didn't 179 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: they didn't care when they came back, they just appeared 180 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 1: really really disinterested. And then there was another category of 181 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:10,160 Speaker 1: children who got incredibly upset. They couldn't be comforted, they 182 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,800 Speaker 1: didn't want to play with anything, but when their caregiver 183 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,000 Speaker 1: came back into the room, they ignored them. The caregiver 184 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: would try and give them attention and they would turn 185 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 1: the other way, they would still be crying, but it 186 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 1: didn't seem that their caregiver could comfort them. And he 187 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:28,040 Speaker 1: made this observation that how the parents were treating their 188 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 1: children outside of this experimental setting was deeply, deeply important 189 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: to how this child would react in this setting. In 190 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:40,840 Speaker 1: this experiment, parents who would consistently show their children love 191 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,160 Speaker 1: and show their children care their children would be the 192 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: ones who were securely attached, who would be upset when 193 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,360 Speaker 1: their parents left, but once they came back in, they 194 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,840 Speaker 1: trusted they would return and they could be comforted by them. 195 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,120 Speaker 1: But this other group of kids, the kids who really 196 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:57,240 Speaker 1: didn't care, who didn't seem to have any attachment to 197 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,959 Speaker 1: their caregiver, or the ones who were almost angry at them, 198 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:04,680 Speaker 1: who had this weird distrust. He kind of made the conclusion, 199 00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:08,080 Speaker 1: came to the conclusion that the relationship and the way 200 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,320 Speaker 1: that these parents were caring for their kids was probably 201 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:15,240 Speaker 1: not too ideal. There was probably maybe a degree of maltreatment. 202 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 1: There was a degree of distrust and a lack of love, 203 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: a lack of consistency, and that really impacted how this 204 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,360 Speaker 1: child would react to their caregiver and how children relate 205 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: to their caregivers. He also found through this longitudinal study 206 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,400 Speaker 1: that he did that the relationships they tended to have. 207 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,640 Speaker 1: He tracked kids in all the kids were in the 208 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,920 Speaker 1: same condition, but he tracked the kids based on their 209 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:46,200 Speaker 1: reaction for years. So he had three categories initially, and 210 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:50,240 Speaker 1: he found that the kids would have one of those 211 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: three reactions, and so he grouped them up and then 212 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,920 Speaker 1: he studied a few select members of each of these 213 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,640 Speaker 1: groups over the next ten to twenty years, and what 214 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,400 Speaker 1: he found was that the relationship and the reaction that 215 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:09,480 Speaker 1: those children had in that experiment was deeply, deeply had deep, 216 00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:13,760 Speaker 1: long lasting impact on their relationships as adults, and in 217 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,679 Speaker 1: some ways was really unforgiving when it came to their 218 00:14:16,679 --> 00:14:21,120 Speaker 1: outer relationships and not just romantic. It is important to 219 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,680 Speaker 1: note that a lot of this research was highly heteronormative. 220 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,280 Speaker 1: At the time. Gay couples couldn't adopt, children, didn't have children, 221 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:34,040 Speaker 1: weren't recognized as suitable caregivers, which is obviously we now 222 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,600 Speaker 1: know is kind of ridiculous. So there has been this 223 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,240 Speaker 1: discussion recently of having a look at how the relationship 224 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 1: children have with parents who are both the same gender 225 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: might differ, or whether there would be a higher rate 226 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,840 Speaker 1: of secure attachment and things like that. There's also heaps 227 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:53,800 Speaker 1: of studies done on single parents and whether the attachment 228 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:57,320 Speaker 1: styles of children who have single parents is different, and 229 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,680 Speaker 1: the outcomes of that is that it really isn't doesn't 230 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,800 Speaker 1: matter if you have one or two parents unless the 231 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 1: parent that you do have is one that you can't trust, 232 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: is one that isn't providing you with love and care, 233 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 1: one that might be might be treating you badly or 234 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: abusing you on drugs, or not absent who was absent, 235 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: So that's really what matters. But from these observations from 236 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,840 Speaker 1: this experiment, John Bolby made the observation that there are 237 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:33,080 Speaker 1: three to four attachment stars and pretty much every single 238 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:37,400 Speaker 1: person would fall into one of these attachment stars. So 239 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:46,000 Speaker 1: let's discuss what they are. So after John Bolby's initial work, 240 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,680 Speaker 1: this was expanded on by Mary Ainsworth and she set 241 00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 1: the premise along with him about the four attachment stars 242 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:57,880 Speaker 1: that we now know of. And these are secure avoidant 243 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,040 Speaker 1: that's also known as dismissive, and which is also known 244 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 1: as preoccupied and disorganized, which is also known as fearful avoidant, 245 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,120 Speaker 1: So four categories. Now, it's worth saying the majority of 246 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:15,920 Speaker 1: people would be secure, securely attached, and secure attachment is 247 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:20,720 Speaker 1: kind of what we're all aiming for. The other three 248 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: are really characterized by a lot of difficulties with cultivating 249 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:28,160 Speaker 1: and maintaining healthy relationships. But in contrast, the secure attachment 250 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,680 Speaker 1: style it implies that a person is healthy in their relationships, 251 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:37,080 Speaker 1: secure in their relationships, and comfortable expressing emotions openly asking 252 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 1: for things, being able to communicate, being able to have 253 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: their needs met, and adults with secure attachment styles they 254 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 1: can depend on their partners and their friends and their 255 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,000 Speaker 1: family and in turn let their partners and their loved 256 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:54,400 Speaker 1: ones rely on them. It also shows a lot of 257 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:58,960 Speaker 1: studies have shown that those who are securely attached do 258 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: tend to have healthier lives overall. They're happier than more content, warm, 259 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,000 Speaker 1: easy going. They tend to build deep, meaningful and long 260 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: lasting relationships, which is what we know contributes to a 261 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,680 Speaker 1: lot of physical health and well being indicators. And they 262 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: even seem to be more well liked in the workplace. 263 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 1: They are better parents generally. Obviously we don't like to 264 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: make generalizations. Everyone can be a good parent, and as 265 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: I'll talk about later on, your attachment style isn't kind 266 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: of a death sentence, But secure attachment is kind of 267 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 1: the gold standard secure. If you're securely attached, you had someone, 268 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:46,240 Speaker 1: you had caregivers that you could rely upon when you're 269 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:50,720 Speaker 1: a child, or you've had people in your life mentors, teachers, 270 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,040 Speaker 1: family members who have shown you love consistently, who have 271 00:17:54,119 --> 00:17:56,840 Speaker 1: shown you that you can trust others, and so these 272 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,200 Speaker 1: people tend to thrive in their relationships. But they also 273 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,359 Speaker 1: don't fear being on their own, which is a really 274 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 1: important caveat. They don't depend on the responsiveness or approval 275 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 1: of people in their lives, and they do tend to 276 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,199 Speaker 1: have a positive view of themselves and others. That sounds 277 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 1: fucking great, sounds awesome, And the chances are if you're 278 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:18,080 Speaker 1: listening to this, you probably are securely attached. There is 279 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: this sense that, you know, everyone kind of likes to 280 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,080 Speaker 1: label themselves as the other three types, which will go 281 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:26,520 Speaker 1: into but studies and research has shown that the majority 282 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 1: of people, if you haven't experienced some trauma in your upbringing, 283 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,640 Speaker 1: you will grow up to become a securely attached adult. 284 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:39,240 Speaker 1: So what about the others? What about anxious and preoccupied? 285 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 1: So for adults with an anxious attachment style, the partner 286 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,479 Speaker 1: is often what they would see as their better half. 287 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: They also have a lot of anxiety around relationships. They 288 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,000 Speaker 1: find that relationships, especially the early stages or even you know, 289 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,320 Speaker 1: long term relationships, bring them a lot of anxiety. They 290 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,359 Speaker 1: don't bring them joy. They're not easy things to cultivate. 291 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: They're filled with ups and downs. They often don't feel 292 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,919 Speaker 1: like they can trust their partner, even if there's no 293 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,359 Speaker 1: evidence for that. The thought of living without their partner 294 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: or being alone in general can also cause pretty higher 295 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,160 Speaker 1: levels of anxiety, and people with this type of attachment 296 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,760 Speaker 1: style typically have a pretty negative self image of themselves 297 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 1: as being unlovable, whilst they have a really positive view 298 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,600 Speaker 1: of others. And in response to that low self esteem, 299 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,680 Speaker 1: in response to that sense that people are going to 300 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,800 Speaker 1: leave them, they're going to abandon them, they can't trust others, 301 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,840 Speaker 1: they can't rely on others, the anxious adult will often 302 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:44,280 Speaker 1: seek approval, support and responsiveness from their partner of those 303 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 1: in their lives kind of really consistently, almost to a 304 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:51,400 Speaker 1: point of excess, and they're often worried and anxious that 305 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 1: their loved ones are not invested or as invested in 306 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,399 Speaker 1: the relationship as they are. It's also characterized, and this 307 00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:03,240 Speaker 1: is perhaps the main element of anxious or preoccupied. It's 308 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:09,679 Speaker 1: characterized by a strong fear of abandonment. They often feel 309 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:13,280 Speaker 1: that they cannot rely on the people, or especially their 310 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,679 Speaker 1: intimate partners, and they're going to leave them. That you know, 311 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,439 Speaker 1: even in the early stages of relationships, if you just 312 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 1: started dating someone, you know you might see or might 313 00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:26,520 Speaker 1: feel that someone is, you know, minutes away, seconds away 314 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,320 Speaker 1: from ignoring you, from ghosting you. They don't want to 315 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,960 Speaker 1: see you, and that really hurts. You're looking for red flags, 316 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,639 Speaker 1: You're looking for signs they're going to walk away, and 317 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,280 Speaker 1: because of that, you often feel really anxious when it 318 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:42,120 Speaker 1: comes to how fast their replies are or whether they're 319 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:47,200 Speaker 1: consistently making plans. You have this really acute kind of 320 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,400 Speaker 1: alarm setting for any indication that someone is going to leave, 321 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,800 Speaker 1: and it's almost a coping mechanism. It's a security blanket 322 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,760 Speaker 1: so that you can be the one who walks away first. So, yeah, 323 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: anxious and preoccupied characterized by a lot of anxiety but 324 00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:05,880 Speaker 1: also a strong fear of abandonment doesn't sound very pleasant, 325 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:10,320 Speaker 1: does it not? At all? Parents of children who become 326 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:14,120 Speaker 1: anxiously attached, were perhaps not always there for their children, 327 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,920 Speaker 1: perhaps they had a parent who left them, who abandoned them. 328 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:24,080 Speaker 1: Often it's seen in kids who had unstable caregivers who 329 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,720 Speaker 1: would show them a lot of love and then leave, 330 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,680 Speaker 1: which is you know, quite sad. But the next one 331 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 1: we have is avoidant or dismissive, So they dismissing or 332 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:37,440 Speaker 1: avoidant type. We would often see them as like lone wolves, 333 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:40,439 Speaker 1: people who in our lives, who don't really seem to 334 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:44,520 Speaker 1: care or need affection or validation from others. They're independent, 335 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 1: they're self sufficient, and they're quite absent emotionally. The first 336 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: two things sound great, you know, strong independent, Sorry first 337 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 1: three strong independent, self sufficient. That sounds amazing, right, But 338 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:05,399 Speaker 1: not so much in our relationships because they tend to 339 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: believe that they don't really need anyone. They don't want 340 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,000 Speaker 1: to depend on others, have others depend on them, they 341 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 1: don't want to seek support or approval in social bonds, 342 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: and it's generally characterized by a lack of emotional closeness. 343 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,440 Speaker 1: So although this person may avoid getting attached to people 344 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,960 Speaker 1: and may not want to get attached to people, our 345 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:31,159 Speaker 1: relationships and social connection is really really important. So it 346 00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:34,959 Speaker 1: is a disordered way of relating to others if you 347 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 1: have absolutely no need to have any level of connection 348 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:42,879 Speaker 1: or emotional closeness with anyone. And they also tend to 349 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: hide or suppress their feelings when they're faced with the 350 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:50,440 Speaker 1: potentially emotionally dense or extreme situation. So we can kind 351 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,960 Speaker 1: of see what kind of parents these people may have had, 352 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,480 Speaker 1: or the kind of early relationships they may have had 353 00:22:56,720 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 1: that have contributed to this dismissive way of things. They 354 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 1: were not able to rely on someone, and because of that, 355 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,600 Speaker 1: they've reacted with a kind of hyper independence, which is 356 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,560 Speaker 1: a trauma response, which we know is a trauma response. 357 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,360 Speaker 1: They have convinced themselves their brain has trained itself to 358 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:19,120 Speaker 1: not need anyone because no one has ever consistently been 359 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,680 Speaker 1: there for them. And that's not a really great way 360 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,480 Speaker 1: to live. You know, Love and romance and deep connections 361 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,080 Speaker 1: with friends and family is one of the best parts 362 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,680 Speaker 1: of life, So not having that does kind of fit 363 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,360 Speaker 1: in the category of having some kind of disordered way 364 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:38,080 Speaker 1: of relating to others. And finally we have the last one, 365 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:42,359 Speaker 1: which is disorganized or fearful avoidant. So the disorganized type 366 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: tends to show unstable and ambiguous behaviors in the social bonds. 367 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,720 Speaker 1: It's often seen as a mix of that avoidant dismissive 368 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: and of that anxious or preoccupied. So for adults with 369 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:57,399 Speaker 1: this style of attachment, the partner, their partner, or their 370 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:02,520 Speaker 1: relationships are often the source of both a strong need 371 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 1: and desire but also fear so fearful avoidant people, they 372 00:24:07,359 --> 00:24:10,880 Speaker 1: do want intimacy and closeness, they're anxious about receiving it, 373 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,680 Speaker 1: but at the same time they really struggle to trust 374 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,880 Speaker 1: others and they often push people away. They aren't able 375 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:20,160 Speaker 1: to regulate their emotions well, and they don't really tend 376 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,680 Speaker 1: to have strong emotional attachment, primarily due to their fear 377 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,159 Speaker 1: of getting hurt. So a person who might have this, 378 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:29,400 Speaker 1: an adult who might have this attachment style, might react 379 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:33,920 Speaker 1: with both anxiety but then a really extreme coldness when 380 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:36,680 Speaker 1: they're not receiving what they want from their partner, when 381 00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:38,800 Speaker 1: they feel their partner is pulling away, or even just 382 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:43,199 Speaker 1: in general when everything seems to be going really really well. 383 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,160 Speaker 1: But I really just want to quickly talk about these 384 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,320 Speaker 1: final three attachment styles, the disordered attachment styles that being 385 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,440 Speaker 1: disorganized and fearful avoidant dismissive, and anxious preoccupied a little 386 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:59,440 Speaker 1: bit more Like I've kind of mentioned, there is this 387 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:04,400 Speaker 1: idea that we can kind of self diagnose, and there 388 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,600 Speaker 1: is a lot of information online or on TikTok or 389 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:12,040 Speaker 1: Instagram with people very flippantly being like, oh, I'm anxiously 390 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:15,920 Speaker 1: attached or I'm avoidant, dismissive. That might be the case. 391 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:17,639 Speaker 1: You might not know what's going on in their life. 392 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:20,800 Speaker 1: But it's important to recognize that when we talk about 393 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,280 Speaker 1: these three attachment styles, we are talking about an extreme disorder. 394 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 1: We are talking about something that is consistent, something that 395 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: isn't dependent on who you're with. You know, everyone might 396 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,120 Speaker 1: be you know, I think especially with anxious attachment. For example, 397 00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,439 Speaker 1: if you are with someone who does not treat you 398 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: right and who pulls away and who is not consistent, 399 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:43,800 Speaker 1: it's a natural reaction to be very anxious. But the 400 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,680 Speaker 1: anxious attachment style, and especially a disordered version, will still 401 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,160 Speaker 1: be present when your partner is the most loving, stable, 402 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,639 Speaker 1: caring person in the world. But we don't tend to 403 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,159 Speaker 1: see these three disordered attachment style in the general population. 404 00:25:57,359 --> 00:26:00,399 Speaker 1: Very often. It often shows up in children who have 405 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 1: been abused or people who have been abused as children 406 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,880 Speaker 1: or deprived, or have come from a really harsh environment, 407 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,200 Speaker 1: maybe from an environment in which they didn't have any 408 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: kind of stable caregiver like a foster system, or if 409 00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,959 Speaker 1: they were moving around a lot without a stable parent 410 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:20,360 Speaker 1: or caregiver in their lives. So it is really important 411 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:24,200 Speaker 1: to recognize that it's probably unlikely. And I'm not saying 412 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,760 Speaker 1: I know you're well enough to say this, but it 413 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: is important to consider that it's if you are, you know, 414 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: if you aren't someone who has experienced severe trauma in 415 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:36,640 Speaker 1: your childhood or early life, it's unlikely that you will 416 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:41,200 Speaker 1: consistently fall into one of the three disordered attachment styles. 417 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,760 Speaker 1: They're genuinely, you know, kind of reserve for people who 418 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,280 Speaker 1: have experienced something really traumatic that has, you know, just 419 00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:52,119 Speaker 1: completely changed the structure of their brain and how they 420 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,879 Speaker 1: relate to others. But attachment styles are still important on 421 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,919 Speaker 1: a smaller scale, and they can be used to inform 422 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:03,520 Speaker 1: how we treat our relationships. But our attachment styles can 423 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:08,200 Speaker 1: also change, you know, your attachment styles with your coworkers, 424 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,840 Speaker 1: with your family and friends might also be different. Must 425 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,919 Speaker 1: you might be secure with your family and your friends, 426 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 1: you might experience a level of disorganized or fearful avoid 427 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:23,040 Speaker 1: an attachment style with an intimate partner or with someone 428 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:26,479 Speaker 1: that you love, and that can also be based on 429 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:30,359 Speaker 1: previous relationships that you have had. So one of the 430 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:34,360 Speaker 1: things I said and just previously is that you can 431 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:38,520 Speaker 1: experience the signs of a disordered attachment style based on 432 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,600 Speaker 1: the relationship that you in that you're in, it doesn't 433 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:44,919 Speaker 1: necessarily mean that that is your attachment style full stop. 434 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,120 Speaker 1: I remember I was in a relationship with someone last 435 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,879 Speaker 1: year and they were really not that nice to me, 436 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,880 Speaker 1: and they didn't they weren't consistent, they didn't give as 437 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 1: much as they took, and there was always this sense 438 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:02,159 Speaker 1: of like, you really don't seem to care for me 439 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,600 Speaker 1: or respect me. At any point you could walk away. 440 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,320 Speaker 1: And I think during that point I was really really anxious, 441 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,480 Speaker 1: and I was constantly worried about where we were and 442 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: where we stood. And then after that relationship ended, there 443 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,680 Speaker 1: was that level of fearful avoidant, like I don't want 444 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,960 Speaker 1: to end up in a situation like that again, I 445 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,760 Speaker 1: don't want to be that emotionally close with someone who 446 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,959 Speaker 1: I can't rely on. But it doesn't mean that I 447 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:30,800 Speaker 1: have an attachment disorder. I am definitely securely attached. I 448 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,600 Speaker 1: had loving parents, I do have people in my life 449 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,240 Speaker 1: that I can trust, and I don't have a problem 450 00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:37,560 Speaker 1: trusting them. But it is a sense that you can 451 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:41,080 Speaker 1: float in and out of ways of relating with people 452 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 1: based on what is going on in your life. But 453 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:48,560 Speaker 1: I also think there is a civil lining for people 454 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,600 Speaker 1: who have experienced trauma and as a result, do have 455 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:56,080 Speaker 1: an attachment style disorder or aren't securely attached. There is 456 00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:58,720 Speaker 1: hope and light at the end of the tunnel, and 457 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,480 Speaker 1: I think it is also worth saying that secure attachment 458 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,520 Speaker 1: maist it might sound great, isn't the only way that 459 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:08,840 Speaker 1: people can have positive, healthy, long term and stable relationships. 460 00:29:14,240 --> 00:29:18,320 Speaker 1: So you might be someone who has experienced experiencing a 461 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:21,840 Speaker 1: disordered attachment style, maybe just for a period, but you know, 462 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,200 Speaker 1: maybe it's something that you're dealing with on a long 463 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 1: term basis. I think it's important to note that people 464 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:32,400 Speaker 1: can still have fulfilling, fulfilling relationships and they might not 465 00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 1: even experience any problems, but can still be characterized as 466 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:41,200 Speaker 1: being one of the three disordered attachment styles that can 467 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:44,600 Speaker 1: change though as well. You're not kind of locked into 468 00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: an attachment style from the moment of birth or from 469 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 1: when you start to mature. Yes, you cannot change how 470 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:55,840 Speaker 1: your care givers or those in your life important people 471 00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:58,520 Speaker 1: in your life have treated you and how that may 472 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 1: have ended a resulted in you not having the most 473 00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:08,440 Speaker 1: great times informing close relationships. But it's not permanent. It's 474 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:12,120 Speaker 1: not something that is stagnant as something that changes. There 475 00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:14,560 Speaker 1: is this problem though, of there being a pattern of 476 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:18,480 Speaker 1: seeking people who treat us how our caregivers did, or 477 00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:22,600 Speaker 1: seeking people out who are emotionally unavailable and who are 478 00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,760 Speaker 1: going to make us feel anxious out of in this 479 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:29,400 Speaker 1: weird kind of self fulfilling prophecy way that will reinforce 480 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:34,400 Speaker 1: your previous experiences as ones that you deserve and reinforcing 481 00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:38,520 Speaker 1: your behaviors. That's something that we're not always consciously aware of, 482 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,520 Speaker 1: and if we're talking about changing attachment styles, it's something 483 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 1: that you do need to be aware of. You do 484 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:47,719 Speaker 1: need to be aware that how you relate to others 485 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 1: is very much in your control, although it might be 486 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:56,040 Speaker 1: influenced by factors that you can't control, like whether your 487 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,880 Speaker 1: caregivers were present or absent in your life. When we 488 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:02,360 Speaker 1: do start to gain more conscious awareness, of how we 489 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:06,520 Speaker 1: relate to others. Recognizing that we might be seeking relationships 490 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:11,800 Speaker 1: that reinforce unhealthy patterns or unhealthy attachment styles is really important. 491 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 1: It's a habit, it's a pattern of behavior that we 492 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:19,800 Speaker 1: can unlearn, and that's obviously going to be most successful 493 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,120 Speaker 1: when you're guided by a therapist or guided by someone 494 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,400 Speaker 1: with clinical experience. But one thing that they might tell 495 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 1: you is that you are able to teach people how 496 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:35,360 Speaker 1: to treat you, and you get to decide how you 497 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,840 Speaker 1: want to be treated. I'm just going to say that again. 498 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:44,040 Speaker 1: You get to teach people how to treat you, and 499 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:48,360 Speaker 1: that is a real step towards healing a disordered attachment style. 500 00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:52,840 Speaker 1: If you can recognize that previously you may have been 501 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:57,840 Speaker 1: acting or reacting or choosing partners that didn't fulfill your needs, 502 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:01,560 Speaker 1: that didn't understand your unique needs, and you can undo 503 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:04,680 Speaker 1: those harmful learning experiences. And there's heaps of evidence that 504 00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:08,840 Speaker 1: shows that you can. There was this study published quite 505 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:13,040 Speaker 1: recently that just suggests that people can change their attachment 506 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 1: styles over time and feel better about their relationships. There's also, 507 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: i think a big role there's a big age plays 508 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,040 Speaker 1: a really big role in aging and maturing and growing 509 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,240 Speaker 1: up plays a really big role. So one study suggests 510 00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,800 Speaker 1: that attachment styles they just tend to become more secure 511 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: over time, simply because the older we get, the less 512 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 1: time we have full relationships that don't meet us, meet 513 00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,600 Speaker 1: our needs, or make us unhappy, the more learning experiences 514 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:45,760 Speaker 1: we have. But in another experiment, they reviewed twenty or sorry, 515 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,560 Speaker 1: seventy I think heterosexual couples, and they got these couples 516 00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,200 Speaker 1: to complete surveys about their relationship and then participate in 517 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,960 Speaker 1: a series of kind of brief activities. Half of the 518 00:32:56,000 --> 00:33:01,560 Speaker 1: couples completed activities designed to increase closeness, and so they 519 00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:05,000 Speaker 1: took turns answering questions about themselves that the other person 520 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,239 Speaker 1: had asked them, and they also participated in partner at 521 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:12,960 Speaker 1: yoga where they held hands or otherwise connected to create poses. 522 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:17,520 Speaker 1: And the other half of the couples discussed more impersonal questions, 523 00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:20,840 Speaker 1: ones that weren't really related to you and how you 524 00:33:20,880 --> 00:33:23,440 Speaker 1: felt about the other person, and they only did individual yoga. 525 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:29,240 Speaker 1: There wasn't a bonding experience there after the intimacy building exercises. 526 00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:34,600 Speaker 1: Participants with more avoidant attachment styles rated their relationship as 527 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:39,120 Speaker 1: higher quality than they had beforehand. Meanwhile, participants with more 528 00:33:39,160 --> 00:33:42,920 Speaker 1: secure or anxious attachment styles didn't report an increase in 529 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:48,960 Speaker 1: relationship satisfaction. But for those who didn't participate in those activities, 530 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,440 Speaker 1: who had anything but a secure attachment style, they did 531 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:57,400 Speaker 1: report that their sense of closeness to their partner wasn't 532 00:33:57,400 --> 00:34:01,000 Speaker 1: really changing or was in some sense to client, And 533 00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,760 Speaker 1: according to a survey of participants one month later, more 534 00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:09,480 Speaker 1: avoidant participants who had done intimacy building activities had actually 535 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 1: decreased in their attachment avoidance. That is really really interesting 536 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:19,120 Speaker 1: because it shows that although we cannot change how we 537 00:34:19,200 --> 00:34:21,560 Speaker 1: have grown up, how we've been treated as a child 538 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:25,800 Speaker 1: or in our early formative relationships, being with the right person, 539 00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:30,480 Speaker 1: having the right friends, having closeness with mentors or close 540 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:35,680 Speaker 1: family members, and experiencing love in closeness in those relationships 541 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:39,000 Speaker 1: does have the potential to change how we relate to 542 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:43,600 Speaker 1: others in a very much more holistic sense. If you 543 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:48,120 Speaker 1: take the time and actively seek to build trust and 544 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,399 Speaker 1: to put yourself in positions with people you trust. When 545 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:56,320 Speaker 1: you can build intimacy and feel loved and experience emotional closeness, 546 00:34:56,440 --> 00:35:01,120 Speaker 1: you can kind of begin to heal previously disord attachment styles, 547 00:35:01,680 --> 00:35:03,960 Speaker 1: and for those two of us who are securely attached, 548 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:07,640 Speaker 1: that also shows the importance of maintaining those kinds of 549 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:13,799 Speaker 1: activities and maintaining a lifestyle or habits that or boundaries 550 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:17,880 Speaker 1: as well, boundaries of those in our lives. That leaves 551 00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,880 Speaker 1: no room for anxiety, leaves no room for on and 552 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:25,440 Speaker 1: off again, leaves no room for abuse or for maltreatment 553 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:30,360 Speaker 1: from those we love, but isn't instead founded on trust 554 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:34,360 Speaker 1: and loyalty and a sense of belonging with someone else. 555 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,400 Speaker 1: So really really interesting, and I think also an important 556 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:41,640 Speaker 1: disclaimer to make here is that this works best and 557 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,279 Speaker 1: if you do think you have one of the three 558 00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:47,640 Speaker 1: disordered attachment styles, it's best to see a therapist, to 559 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:50,839 Speaker 1: talk to someone who has clinical experiences, because I can 560 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:55,160 Speaker 1: imagine that the outcomes of those closeness based activities would 561 00:35:55,640 --> 00:36:00,520 Speaker 1: be definitely, would definitely benefit and improve if you did 562 00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:03,120 Speaker 1: have clinical guidance with someone who really really knew what 563 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,960 Speaker 1: they were talking about, really knew what was happening and 564 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:08,960 Speaker 1: had observed it and seen it in the past. But 565 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:12,600 Speaker 1: all really really interesting stuff and so important for our twenties, 566 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:15,719 Speaker 1: when we are beginning to have serious relationships and have 567 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:20,760 Speaker 1: close relationships and maybe even start to see the problems 568 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,680 Speaker 1: or the disordered ways in which we attach ourselves to others. 569 00:36:23,719 --> 00:36:28,359 Speaker 1: I definitely doing research for this episode, did see and 570 00:36:28,719 --> 00:36:31,000 Speaker 1: was able to kind of have a better understanding of 571 00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:34,799 Speaker 1: how the relationships we've had in our past does tend 572 00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:37,600 Speaker 1: to influence and will influence the relationships we have in 573 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,319 Speaker 1: our future. Not just those that we have with our 574 00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,760 Speaker 1: care givers, that everyone, everyone who has had an impact 575 00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:46,200 Speaker 1: on us. So I hope you've enjoyed this episode and 576 00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,000 Speaker 1: this history lesson and this deep dive into attachment stars. 577 00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:53,400 Speaker 1: I hope you've learned something that, if nothing else, I 578 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:56,440 Speaker 1: hope you've learned that you do have the opportunity to 579 00:36:56,480 --> 00:37:01,360 Speaker 1: be securely attached and to feel stable and loved in 580 00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:05,600 Speaker 1: your relationships and to feel emotional closeness with other people, 581 00:37:05,680 --> 00:37:08,799 Speaker 1: which is kind of what we all want, especially when 582 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,359 Speaker 1: we're young and we're learning how we want to be 583 00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:13,520 Speaker 1: respected and treated. So thank you so much for listening, 584 00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,360 Speaker 1: and as always, if you do feel called to, please 585 00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,040 Speaker 1: leave a review of the podcast on either Spotify or 586 00:37:19,080 --> 00:37:23,880 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. It helps me grow this platform and it 587 00:37:23,960 --> 00:37:27,200 Speaker 1: just really makes my day to put things out there 588 00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,439 Speaker 1: and know that people are listening and that perhaps they've 589 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:32,120 Speaker 1: had an impact. So thank you again for listening, and 590 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:34,680 Speaker 1: we will be back next week for another episode of 591 00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:36,320 Speaker 1: the Psychology of Your Twenties.