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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcasts. My name is Kat.

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Speaker 1: I am the host, and if you're new to you

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy or just need a reminder, this podcast is

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Speaker 1: not a replacement or a substitute for any actual mental

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Speaker 1: health services. However, we always hope that it can help

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Speaker 1: you in some way. Now couch Talks, if you are

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Speaker 1: not familiar with that. Part of the show is the

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Speaker 1: special bonus episode that comes out every Wednesday, where I

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Speaker 1: answer questions that you guys send to me that you

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Speaker 1: can send to Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com.

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Speaker 1: And each week I answer one question from you guys,

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Speaker 1: and I always keep them anonymous, so you guys can

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Speaker 1: feel really safe sending in your questions. This week, we're

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Speaker 1: going to just keep on doing the same old thing.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read one question, then I'm going to

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Speaker 1: answer it, and by answer it, I mean just talk

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Speaker 1: about it and you maybe throw some ideas out for

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Speaker 1: whoever wrote this to kind of consider in the situation

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Speaker 1: that they're in. So let's get to it. Here is

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Speaker 1: this week's question. Hey, Kat, I'm wondering if you have

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Speaker 1: any tips or advice for how to have constructive professional

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Speaker 1: conversations with my manager and co workers when their actions

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Speaker 1: have triggered some very deep wounds from my childhood. In

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Speaker 1: the moment, the little slights of feeling intentionally left out

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Speaker 1: of conversation events, lunch, coffee breaks, etc. Feel quite significant

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Speaker 1: to me, But the people on my team act as

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Speaker 1: if everything is completely normal in meetings, so I'm left

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Speaker 1: questioning if I'm being too sensitive. I end up not

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Speaker 1: saying anything because one I love the work that I

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Speaker 1: get to do, and two I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: labeled difficult or overly emotional at work. This has been

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Speaker 1: going on for months, and I take responsibility for my

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Speaker 1: part in not speaking up when it first started happening.

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Speaker 1: But it's gotten to the point where I don't feel

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Speaker 1: like I work in a safe space anymore, and I'm

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Speaker 1: realizing that my childhood trauma is being triggered in several ways.

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Speaker 1: Being left out, being told or fearing being told that

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Speaker 1: I'm too sensitive, and not having a safe space to

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Speaker 1: open up about my feelings without fear of negative repercussions.

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Speaker 1: And since those are three really painful triggers, I'm finding

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Speaker 1: it harder and harder to put emotions aside and bring

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Speaker 1: up in a clear headed, professional way that doesn't put

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Speaker 1: blame or shame on anyone. I really want to stay

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Speaker 1: a part of the team and continue to do the

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Speaker 1: work I love. So if you have any advice, I'd

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Speaker 1: love to hear it. Thank you for everything you do.

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Speaker 1: So this is a difficult email for me to answer

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Speaker 1: because I don't completely understand what's happening. I don't really

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Speaker 1: know exactly what the team hierarchy or just the way

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Speaker 1: it works, how you're being left out of things. If

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Speaker 1: it just feels like you're being left out of things

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Speaker 1: that you want to be a part of, or that

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Speaker 1: you really do think that it's fair for you to

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Speaker 1: be a part of those things, it doesn't make sense

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Speaker 1: with the structure of the team. So I'm going to

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Speaker 1: try to answer this the best I can. And my

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Speaker 1: first two initial reactions to this, outside of being like

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Speaker 1: I just want to know more information about this so

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Speaker 1: I can answer better, is one I feel for you

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Speaker 1: because the desire to belong and to want to be

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Speaker 1: wanted and part of something is such an innate experience

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Speaker 1: to being human, and it's a good thing that we

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Speaker 1: can feel that and be attached to that. It's part

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Speaker 1: of what makes us human is is wanting to be

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Speaker 1: a part of things and wanting to have relationships and

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Speaker 1: want to be included. And then the other thing that

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Speaker 1: came up is that we are responsible for when we're triggered,

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Speaker 1: not the person that triggered us or the thing that

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Speaker 1: triggered us. We have to take care of ourselves versus

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Speaker 1: expect people to take care of us for us as

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Speaker 1: an adult. And as I say that, it might sound harsh,

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Speaker 1: it kind of feels harsh. I want to put a

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Speaker 1: billion caveats and explain this until we're probably sick of

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Speaker 1: hearing me explain this. But I'm not going to do

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Speaker 1: that because these episodes one are supposed to be short,

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Speaker 1: and I don't have time, and I don't think I

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Speaker 1: can throw out enough caveats to really get what I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to say across. I don't mean this in a

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Speaker 1: harsh way. I mean this more so in a way

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Speaker 1: that allows us to take responsibility and have more power

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Speaker 1: versus less power, and give other people more power into

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Speaker 1: our lives as we become adults and we become responsible

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Speaker 1: for ourselves. The question is also difficult that you're asking

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Speaker 1: because I don't really know the culture of your environment

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Speaker 1: at work. So work cultures can look different in so

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Speaker 1: many different ways. Even when it comes to like corporate teams,

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Speaker 1: like the culture can be different from one corporation to

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Speaker 1: get the other. In smaller teams, the culture can be

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Speaker 1: different in one to the other. And so I know

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Speaker 1: that you said you're feeling unsafe or it makes you

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Speaker 1: feel unsafe because of what's happening. I guess I would

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Speaker 1: be curious is does the culture of your environment, of

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Speaker 1: your work environment allow space for the more human emotion

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Speaker 1: to show up, Because I hope that's the case, and

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Speaker 1: I hope that there's flexibility in that for all of

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Speaker 1: the places where we work, that we can both be

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Speaker 1: human and be productive and get our jobs done. There's

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Speaker 1: room for both, and sometimes we have to put emotions aside,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes there's space for that to be discussed and

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Speaker 1: worked through. I think that balance is essential for productive

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Speaker 1: and healthy work environments, but that's not always the case.

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Speaker 1: They're not always there. So I would wonder what the

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Speaker 1: culture is and what are the expectations of your job

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Speaker 1: and the people that work there and the relationships you have,

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Speaker 1: Because depending on the culture of your specific work environment,

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Speaker 1: expressing yourself could hurt you, and I don't want you

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Speaker 1: to set yourself up to get one need met, but

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Speaker 1: then another part of your work experience gets hurt, or

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Speaker 1: maybe your job becomes at risk. And we don't all

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Speaker 1: have the luxury and the privilege of not caring if

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Speaker 1: we lose our jobs or if we have to leave

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Speaker 1: our jobs. Sometimes we have to find ways to stay

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Speaker 1: in those environments because we need the money in that

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Speaker 1: environment that we get to live at least at the moment.

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Speaker 1: So I don't want to just say, like, if you

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Speaker 1: don't have the environment that you can share this stuff with,

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Speaker 1: you should quit. It's not that simple. And also like

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Speaker 1: there's a balance. We don't need to be expressing our

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Speaker 1: feelings all day every day at work. And this I'm

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Speaker 1: kind of like going off the script of what you

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Speaker 1: asked here. I know that you're not saying that, but

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Speaker 1: I think as we've allowed more emotion to show up

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Speaker 1: in the workplace, we haven't really figured out how to

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Speaker 1: balance the time and the place of that has still

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Speaker 1: become all or nothing, and we haven't really found a

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Speaker 1: way universally to sit in the gray area of bringing

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Speaker 1: in our human emotions to work, and also still knowing

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Speaker 1: that like work has to get done and not everybody

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Speaker 1: can take accountability for everybody's feelings all the time. So

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying is it's really important to understand your

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Speaker 1: work culture in order to make a decision as to

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Speaker 1: what is best for you in this scenarios. How to

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Speaker 1: have constructive professional conversations with your manager and coworkers when

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Speaker 1: their actions have triggered some of your deep wounds from

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Speaker 1: your childhood trauma. Without having more context here, I would

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Speaker 1: wonder if their actions are resulting in you feeling feelings hurt, sad, angry, fearful, lonely, etc.

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Speaker 1: Versus what you said triggering childhood wounds. If your environment

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Speaker 1: is triggering your childhood wounds to come up, that signifies

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Speaker 1: there's work to be done. There are wounds for you

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Speaker 1: to kind of tease out and work through and process

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Speaker 1: in your own time, whether that's in therapy or however

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Speaker 1: you work through that stuff. I would recommend you doing

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Speaker 1: that in the therapeutic realm. The world cannot be held

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Speaker 1: responsible for catering to those wounds. And that's not me

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Speaker 1: being harsh. It's not because I am heartless and the

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Speaker 1: world is heartless. But because the reality is is the

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Speaker 1: world cannot cater to that all of the time, we

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Speaker 1: have to learn how to as adults to care for

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Speaker 1: those wounds. So we know what to do when we

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Speaker 1: do feel a trigger, So we know how to cope,

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Speaker 1: and we know how to self soothe, and we know

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Speaker 1: how to offer and find what we need that maybe

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Speaker 1: the childhood version of us wasn't able to do. So

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Speaker 1: that's one part. Now this might sound confusing, But then

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Speaker 1: if you just feel hurt in general, because you don't

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Speaker 1: have to have childhood trauma to feel hurt or lonely

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Speaker 1: from being left out of something, now you could and

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Speaker 1: that triggers some responses to that and some symptoms that

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Speaker 1: come up of your trauma because of that. That's one thing.

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Speaker 1: Therapy would be really helpful with that. And then on

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Speaker 1: the other side, if you just feel some feelings that

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Speaker 1: like oh I feel lonely at the workplace, or my

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Speaker 1: feelings were hurt, or I want to be included and

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Speaker 1: I want to find it out of way how then

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Speaker 1: what I would say is an easy way to bring

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Speaker 1: that up is just bringing it up. Hey, Barbara, when

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Speaker 1: X happened, I felt blank and the story made up

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Speaker 1: is blank, and I'd love to be included more. I'm

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Speaker 1: on this big kick of asking for what we need

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Speaker 1: or want versus telling people what not to do. Instead

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Speaker 1: of pointing out the negative, I really want to start

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Speaker 1: encouraging people to ask for what we want right, instead

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Speaker 1: of telling people what not to do. Hey, this would

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Speaker 1: be really awesome if you could blank. Instead of telling

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Speaker 1: somebody what they're doing wrong, say hey, this is what

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Speaker 1: I would love for you to do. Instead of saying

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Speaker 1: a simple example, don't sit in the middle of the couch. Hey,

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Speaker 1: could you sit on the left side of the couch

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Speaker 1: for me please? If you're wondering where that came from,

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Speaker 1: I'm just like looking at a couch and so that's

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Speaker 1: what came up in my mind. But do you get

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Speaker 1: what I mean there? So instead of hey, don't leave

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Speaker 1: me out, Hey, the next time you guys go grab

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Speaker 1: coffee Starbucks, will you let me know I'd love to come,

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Speaker 1: So you could just do that right instead of going

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Speaker 1: into the whole when you blank, I've out blank. The

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Speaker 1: story I brought up with me is blank. That is

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Speaker 1: one way that intentional dialogue is a way that I

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Speaker 1: think is really helpful, and it's a format that's really

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Speaker 1: helpful for people to bring up difficult conflict like a

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Speaker 1: little have a little script to go off of. But

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Speaker 1: also you might even just ask for what you want,

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Speaker 1: so you could say, hey, I noticed you guys went

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Speaker 1: to lunch together last week. I'd love to join you

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Speaker 1: next time, so can you text me the next time

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Speaker 1: you're going? Or I heard you guys talking about the

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Speaker 1: movie that you went to last weekend, and I love

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Speaker 1: the movie theater and I really would love to show

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Speaker 1: up and go more. It's one of my goals for

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Speaker 1: twenty twenty four, So I'd love to get to go

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Speaker 1: with you guys next time. Could you shoot me a

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Speaker 1: text when you guys are planning that, Because what you

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Speaker 1: can't do is for someone to do something or control

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Speaker 1: their behavior, but you can't ask for what you'd like

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Speaker 1: and then open up more space for that to happen,

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Speaker 1: encourage people to include you versus point out things that

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Speaker 1: they're doing wrong. That's just one way to look at it.

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Speaker 1: And if the behavior that hurts you continues to happen,

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Speaker 1: then maybe you do dig deeper and ask if this

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Speaker 1: is a safe space, a safe environment for you. I

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Speaker 1: think That's one part we have to take into account

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Speaker 1: is I have to know if this is something that

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Speaker 1: is welcomed in this environment. If it's not, I'm setting

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Speaker 1: myself up to be hurt. And I have to also

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Speaker 1: take responsibility in that. And maybe there are other ways

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Speaker 1: for me to soothe and take care of that loneliness

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Speaker 1: or that pain or those wounds that are popping up.

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Speaker 1: But if it is a safe space, then you could

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Speaker 1: check in and say, hey, you know, remember when I

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Speaker 1: asked to be invited to the movie the next time

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Speaker 1: you guys went. I saw you guys went again and

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Speaker 1: I didn't get an invite, and I really am curious

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Speaker 1: if there's something I'm missing. I felt really sad and

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Speaker 1: lonely when I saw you guys post that picture of

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Speaker 1: you guys going, and I'm making up a story that

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Speaker 1: maybe you're intentionally leaving me out, which has made it

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Speaker 1: really difficult for me to show up as a team

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Speaker 1: player with everyone in the last week. And I really

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Speaker 1: love this team. I really love the work that we do,

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Speaker 1: and so can you help me get some clarity here?

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Speaker 1: Is there something I'm missing or something that maybe we

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Speaker 1: needed to discuss and allow them to respond to that

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Speaker 1: what I would encourage you to do here is remain

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Speaker 1: curious and keep coming back to that remaining curious. I

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Speaker 1: want to remain curious and really really take the stance

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Speaker 1: of I don't know. There's stories that I've made up,

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Speaker 1: but I really want to take the stands of I

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Speaker 1: don't know what's going on and I want to find

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Speaker 1: out information, versus you writing a story. This can help

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Speaker 1: you rewrite the negative beliefs taken from stories of your

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Speaker 1: past versus just confirm them with the stories that you

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Speaker 1: might be making up, So that remain curious will really

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Speaker 1: help you in that space. So I hope this was helpful.

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Speaker 1: I know I can't give you a straightforward answer to

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Speaker 1: this and is kind of where we always land with

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Speaker 1: these couch talks questions, but I hope this to give

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Speaker 1: you some food for thought and some things to really

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Speaker 1: process on your own, so you really can take some

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Speaker 1: power and control on your own life versus maybe what

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Speaker 1: happened in your childhood wounds where you didn't have any power,

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Speaker 1: any control, or any ability to get your needs met

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Speaker 1: and seek ways to get the met, like this is

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Speaker 1: a space for you to rewrite that truth from things

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Speaker 1: in your past. So, any other feedback, questions, comments, anything,

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Speaker 1: you guys know, You can send that to catherinet you

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. If you want to follow me,

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Speaker 1: you can do that at you Need Therapy Podcast and

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Speaker 1: at cat van Buren. Until next time, I hope you

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Speaker 1: guys are having the day you need to have. Bye guys,