WEBVTT - The Shift From Self Improvement to Self Mastery 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.760 We hear the self development tools a lot. Right, You've 0:00:02.759 --> 0:00:05.640 got your habits, your routines, your systems, you're journaling, but 0:00:05.720 --> 0:00:08.000 self mastery is not really a set of behaviors. It's 0:00:08.000 --> 0:00:09.760 just a way of being inside of your own life. 0:00:09.840 --> 0:00:12.440 Welcome to you A Really Good Cry podcast. A Really 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:14.840 Good Cry is here to help you understand your body. 0:00:15.000 --> 0:00:17.840 You're confident in your skin, manage your emotions, and take 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:21.000 back control of your health. Because growth doesn't always start 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:24.400 with answers, Sometimes it starts with a really good cry. 0:00:24.680 --> 0:00:28.159 Hello everyone, Welcome back to this week's episode of A 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:34.160 Really Good Cry. I hope you have had such a wonderful, fantastic, brilliant, extravagant, delicious, 0:00:34.600 --> 0:00:39.760 phenomenal week. But I really do wish all those things 0:00:39.760 --> 0:00:42.159 for you, I must say, But I honestly have been 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:46.200 reflecting so much on my own journey in this self 0:00:46.240 --> 0:00:49.239 development world that we all live in. You know, if 0:00:49.280 --> 0:00:51.440 you're someone that's trying to better yourself, you read the books, 0:00:51.479 --> 0:00:54.560 you listen to the podcast, you really are trying to 0:00:54.600 --> 0:00:57.840 create a better life for you and trying to understand 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:00.520 what is it that makes you a better person. But 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:02.400 I've been really reflecting on it in my own life, 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:05.280 thinking God, am I really doing the work that I'm 0:01:05.319 --> 0:01:08.479 supposed to be doing, Like why does it still feel 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:12.680 so unfulfilling? And I was struggling, and I kept feeling 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:14.400 like I hadn't really done the work that I needed 0:01:14.440 --> 0:01:16.240 to feel how I wanted to feel, how I thought 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:17.880 I would feel. And sometimes you can end up feeling 0:01:17.920 --> 0:01:19.880 so disheartened if you are doing all the things year 0:01:20.000 --> 0:01:22.160 or year, and that you still don't feel good in yourself. 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:24.720 And I've been hearing people talk about self mastery and 0:01:24.959 --> 0:01:26.959 I thought it was just another name for self development, 0:01:27.080 --> 0:01:29.880 or like the PhD version of it, but actually they're 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:34.280 two completely different things. Self development is building habits, healing patterns, 0:01:34.720 --> 0:01:37.399 and becoming a better version of yourself. It's trying to 0:01:37.440 --> 0:01:40.600 improve who you are. But self mastery helps you to 0:01:40.640 --> 0:01:43.280 transform how you relate to who you are. So let 0:01:43.319 --> 0:01:45.119 me explain that a little bit more as we go along. 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:47.840 If you've ever felt like you've been doing the work 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:50.960 for years and something still feels off, or like you're sharper, 0:01:51.080 --> 0:01:54.480 you're healthier, you're more disciplined, but somehow you still don't 0:01:54.520 --> 0:01:57.840 feel very free, this is probably why. And I don't 0:01:57.840 --> 0:01:59.480 think you're supposed to do one or the other. I 0:01:59.520 --> 0:02:02.000 actually think is the missing key, and that you're actually 0:02:02.040 --> 0:02:04.040 supposed to be doing them both at the same time. 0:02:04.480 --> 0:02:06.200 So I wanted to go into that a little bit 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:09.400 more because feeling lost or unfulfilled is a really difficult 0:02:09.440 --> 0:02:11.520 feeling to have to go through in life, and why 0:02:11.560 --> 0:02:14.720 should you when there is this possibility of not feeling 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:16.079 like that? And to be honest, I'm the type of 0:02:16.080 --> 0:02:18.919 person who likes to try everything because life is worth 0:02:18.960 --> 0:02:21.000 living and we want to live it feeling fulfilled and 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:24.640 happy and feel like we're experiencing life the way that 0:02:24.639 --> 0:02:26.560 we want to. The essence of it runs on one 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:29.600 core question, how can I improve myself? And in real 0:02:29.600 --> 0:02:32.280 life it sounds like I want to be more disciplined, 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:35.880 I need better habits, I'm working on my confidence, I'm 0:02:35.880 --> 0:02:38.880 healing my attachment style. All those things that we really 0:02:38.880 --> 0:02:41.040 do need to be doing that are very useful. They 0:02:41.080 --> 0:02:43.960 needed to help navigate the world, relationships, and life so 0:02:44.080 --> 0:02:46.840 much better. But the assumption hidden underneath it is this 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:49.560 idea that there's always something to fix, upgrade, or perfect, 0:02:49.600 --> 0:02:51.720 So you're always feeling a little bit broken, and so 0:02:51.800 --> 0:02:54.040 sometimes you can end up feeling like your own little project, 0:02:54.320 --> 0:02:56.560 which you can feel a little overwhelming at times because 0:02:56.560 --> 0:02:58.280 you're like, when does this stop? When do I stop 0:02:58.280 --> 0:03:01.519 fixing myself? Or a self master isn't about improving who 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:04.959 you are. It's about understanding who you are, observing the self, 0:03:05.240 --> 0:03:08.360 and ultimately not being controlled by it. And so this 0:03:08.520 --> 0:03:12.680 is really where the conversation moves away from psychology and 0:03:12.720 --> 0:03:16.040 more into philosophy based on ancient thoughts and philosophies like 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:18.839 the bug Bagita. Self mastery is this sability to beat 0:03:18.880 --> 0:03:22.320 in relationships with your mind, your emotions, your body, your desires, 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:25.720 your fears, your impulses, and your ego, but without being 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:30.160 ruled by them. It's not becoming emotionless. It's not controlling everything. 0:03:30.240 --> 0:03:33.960 It's not being perfectly healed, it's not never reacting, but 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:37.920 it's the moment between that stimulus and that response getting wider. 0:03:38.200 --> 0:03:40.480 It says, you're not your thoughts, you're not your emotions, 0:03:40.520 --> 0:03:44.080 you're not your impulses, but you're creating the awareness behind them. 0:03:44.400 --> 0:03:46.680 So the question shifts from how can I improve myself 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:49.480 to what is the self I'm trying to improve. It's 0:03:49.480 --> 0:03:52.040 when you feel anger, but you don't feel controlled by it. 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:54.320 You notice it, you hold it, and then you decide 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:57.320 what to do with it. You notice insecurity without spiraling 0:03:57.400 --> 0:04:00.280 into a forty five minute hostage situation in your own head. 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:03.400 You act with discipline, not because you're forcing yourself, but 0:04:03.440 --> 0:04:06.200 because you're no longer ruled by every distraction that pulls 0:04:06.280 --> 0:04:09.440 at you. You don't need constant validation because your sense 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:12.240 of self isn't actually plugged into other people's opinions of 0:04:12.280 --> 0:04:14.280 you in the first place. This is the simplest way 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:17.760 that I've understood the difference. Self development changes your behavior 0:04:17.920 --> 0:04:20.960 and it refines your identity. It works within the mind. 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:24.359 Self mastery changes your relationship to your mind. Nevern so 0:04:24.400 --> 0:04:26.040 many times in my life where I felt like self 0:04:26.080 --> 0:04:28.120 development and all the things that come with it can 0:04:28.160 --> 0:04:30.680 become such a trap, feeling like I should be taking 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:33.120 the boxes but not really getting to the depths of 0:04:33.160 --> 0:04:35.760 what it truly means. Listening to the podcast but not 0:04:35.760 --> 0:04:39.120 actually implementing them. It was kind of about the optics 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:41.880 rather than the true depths that it requires to create 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:44.560 a change of mindset that you need to feel better. 0:04:45.320 --> 0:04:49.640 There's this Buddhist teacher who called this spiritual materialism the 0:04:49.640 --> 0:04:52.200 way that the ego co op spiritual and personal growth 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:55.800 practices to really strengthen itself. So now you're not just successful, 0:04:55.800 --> 0:04:58.320 but you're evolved. You're not just attractive, you're self aware, 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:00.720 you're not just productive, but you're heal well. And I've 0:05:00.760 --> 0:05:02.920 noticed this in myself before. The version of me that's 0:05:03.040 --> 0:05:06.120 doing the work can be just as performative as the 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.240 version of me that wasn't doing any work at all, 0:05:08.560 --> 0:05:11.000 and sometimes more so because now it has this moral 0:05:11.080 --> 0:05:13.680 framework to defend itself with. I read this quote and 0:05:13.680 --> 0:05:15.479 I felt like it really related to this. It said, 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:17.600 if your sense of self is always tied to who 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:20.760 you're becoming, you never get to feel whole as you are. 0:05:21.080 --> 0:05:23.200 And I was trying to think about how this would 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:26.760 work in our everyday life, like how does self development 0:05:26.800 --> 0:05:29.440 show up differently to self mastery when it comes to 0:05:29.480 --> 0:05:32.719 things like relationships. I think self development is something like 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:35.640 how do I communicate better? How do I express my needs? 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:38.760 How do I set boundaries? But self mastery is why 0:05:38.839 --> 0:05:41.279 am I reacting at all? What part of me is 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:43.840 being triggered right now? And can I witness it all 0:05:43.880 --> 0:05:46.159 before I act on it? The first one is about 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:48.920 doing the relationship better. But the second one is about 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:52.479 meeting the part of you that the relationship is exposing. 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:56.719 Both obviously matter, both need to be done, but notice 0:05:56.720 --> 0:05:59.000 that the second one doesn't require the other person to 0:05:59.160 --> 0:06:01.960 change for you to be okay. In work, self development 0:06:01.960 --> 0:06:05.800 can show up as productivity hacks, time blocking, discipline systems, 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:08.680 you know, trying to optimize as much as possible. But 0:06:08.760 --> 0:06:12.440 in self mastery, it's focusing without the inner resistance, detaching 0:06:12.480 --> 0:06:15.120 from the outcome, doing the work because the work is 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:16.839 yours to do, not because of what you will get 0:06:16.880 --> 0:06:18.839 out of it. And that's a really hard thing to 0:06:18.880 --> 0:06:21.200 try and wrap your head around. And it actually ties 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:23.200 beautifully into one of the key messages of the bug 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:25.680 with Gita and ancient text, and it says, do the 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:29.080 action that is yours to do and release your attachment 0:06:29.120 --> 0:06:31.839 to the result, not because the results don't matter, but 0:06:31.880 --> 0:06:34.400 because tying your sense of self to the outcomes you 0:06:34.440 --> 0:06:37.240 don't fully control is just the fast tract to suffering. 0:06:37.680 --> 0:06:41.000 In emotions, it can show up as regulate, reframe, journal 0:06:41.040 --> 0:06:43.880 it out, breath work, talk to your therapist, But with 0:06:43.960 --> 0:06:47.240 self mastery, it's more like observe without attachment. Let those 0:06:47.240 --> 0:06:50.440 emotions move through you instead of becoming you. So there's 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:53.080 a big difference between I am sad and I'm noticing 0:06:53.120 --> 0:06:55.919 sadness in me. It sounds like semantics, but it isn't. 0:06:56.160 --> 0:06:58.520 One puts you inside of the weather and the other 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:01.520 puts you on this mountain what the weather pass? And look, 0:07:01.560 --> 0:07:03.440 this whole episode could end up sounding a little bit 0:07:03.480 --> 0:07:05.800 spiritual vibes, woo woo, whatever you want to call it, 0:07:05.880 --> 0:07:08.160 like cool. Yeah, you're saying you're not your thoughts? What 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:10.320 does that even mean? I've had that so many times, 0:07:10.680 --> 0:07:12.400 But the Vaidy takes I've been pointing at this for 0:07:12.480 --> 0:07:16.560 thousands of years saying that we can get there through introspection. 0:07:16.960 --> 0:07:18.320 So I want to go into some of the deeper 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:20.880 qualities that self mastery is based on. The first one 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:23.720 is detachment. Detachment doesn't mean that you don't care. It 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:26.960 means that you are no longer possessed by the outcome. 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:30.720 You can want something really deeply without making your peace 0:07:30.760 --> 0:07:33.320 dependent on it. In real life, detachment sounds like I 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:35.960 would love this opportunity, but my worth is not dependent 0:07:36.000 --> 0:07:38.680 on getting it. I really care about this person, but 0:07:38.720 --> 0:07:41.360 I can't control how they respond. I will give it 0:07:41.440 --> 0:07:43.600 my best, but I won't let the result decide who 0:07:43.640 --> 0:07:46.080 I am or how I feel about myself. The second 0:07:46.080 --> 0:07:49.040 one is self control, and self control is not suppression. 0:07:49.160 --> 0:07:51.560 It's not saying I don't feel angry. It's saying I 0:07:51.560 --> 0:07:54.119 feel really angry, but I'm not gonna let anger choose 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:56.200 my words for me. Self control is being able to 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.320 pause before acting from your senses, whether it's hunger or fear, 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:04.720 or jealousy, in security, last ego comparison resentment. It's basically 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.840 not acting from impulse. It's not denying the emotion, but 0:08:07.880 --> 0:08:10.280 it's refusing to let that emotion become the driver of 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:12.920 our life, which brings you onto the third concept, which 0:08:12.960 --> 0:08:16.520 is emotional regulation. Self mastering means that your emotions are 0:08:16.520 --> 0:08:18.760 allowed to exist, but they're not allowed to ruin your 0:08:18.760 --> 0:08:20.960 whole life and run it. You can feel grief without 0:08:20.960 --> 0:08:25.040 collapsing into hopelessness. You can feel feel without abandoning your path, 0:08:25.080 --> 0:08:28.640 and you can feel insecurity without seeking immediate validation. The 0:08:28.680 --> 0:08:30.640 goal is not to feel less. The goal is to 0:08:30.640 --> 0:08:32.880 be less controlled by what you feel, and so self 0:08:32.880 --> 0:08:34.920 mastery is definitely not the absence of all of these 0:08:34.960 --> 0:08:38.560 feelings and emotions. It's just this ability to meet all 0:08:38.640 --> 0:08:41.520 of them without handing them the keys to your life, 0:08:41.520 --> 0:08:44.840 without letting them control you. The next principle is discipline. 0:08:44.920 --> 0:08:47.480 Discipline is a huge part of self mastery because it 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:49.600 teaches the body and the mind that you can keep 0:08:49.600 --> 0:08:52.800 promises even when your mood changes. It's when your actions 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:54.920 are led by your values, not your cravings or your 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:57.920 immediate desires. So it looks like I may not feel 0:08:57.920 --> 0:08:59.959 like moving my body, but I really value my health. 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:02.559 Or I want to react so badly, but I really 0:09:02.640 --> 0:09:05.720 value my piece. I want to scroll, but I value 0:09:05.720 --> 0:09:08.120 my focus and attention right now. And so it's seeing 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:11.400 discipline as not being something punishing, but as seeing as 0:09:11.440 --> 0:09:13.720 devotion to the person that you are becoming or want 0:09:13.760 --> 0:09:16.800 to be. The next principle is awareness. Awareness is foundation 0:09:16.880 --> 0:09:20.000 of self mastery. You cannot master what you cannot see, 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:22.199 and so this is the ability to notice your patterns 0:09:22.200 --> 0:09:24.880 in real time. Oh this is me people pleasing. Oh 0:09:25.040 --> 0:09:27.200 this is me trying to prove myself. Oh this is 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:30.760 me spiraling because I feel rejected. Oh, I'm actually attaching 0:09:30.800 --> 0:09:33.240 my worth to this outcome, and it's making me feel 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:36.520 like This awareness actually helps to create distance between you 0:09:36.600 --> 0:09:39.680 and the patterns that you've created. The next principle is 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:42.160 ego mastery. Now, I think this is one of the 0:09:42.240 --> 0:09:44.400 deepest parts. The ego wants to be right. It wants 0:09:44.440 --> 0:09:46.319 to be seen and wants to be praised. It wants 0:09:46.360 --> 0:09:49.120 to be chosen. It wants to be safe and in control. 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:52.760 Self mastery is being able to notice when your ego 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:55.040 is leading. So, for example, you don't need to win 0:09:55.080 --> 0:09:57.679 every argument. You don't need to be understood by everyone, 0:09:57.679 --> 0:09:59.880 and you don't need to prove your goodness. You don't 0:09:59.880 --> 0:10:02.079 need to make someone else wrong to feel secure, and 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:04.760 you don't need to constantly feel validated to believe that 0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:07.360 you matter. And so self mastery is really working on 0:10:07.400 --> 0:10:11.360 all these things, noticing, observing, and then correcting. The next 0:10:11.400 --> 0:10:14.120 one is desire management, and so it's not about having 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:17.800 no desires, it's having a clean relationship with desire. Desire 0:10:17.840 --> 0:10:20.880 becomes dangerous when it turns into attachment, addiction, or identity 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:23.600 when you give into every single thing that your mind thinks, 0:10:23.640 --> 0:10:27.040 or feels or desires. And so a healthy desire says 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:29.880 I want this, but attachment and an unhealthy desire says 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:32.840 I need this to be okay, and so self mastery 0:10:32.880 --> 0:10:36.439 helps you to desire something sure, but not become enslaved 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:41.080 by it. Whether it's food, attention, love, success, beuty, money, recognition. 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:43.960 None of these are bad, but when they control you, 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:46.240 they become a cage that you live in. The next 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:49.120 principle is a response over reaction. This is something I 0:10:49.160 --> 0:10:51.720 definitely have struggled with in my life, along with most 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:53.800 of the other things we've just spoken about. But it's 0:10:53.800 --> 0:10:57.239 this ability to respond instead of reacting a reaction that's automatic, 0:10:57.280 --> 0:10:59.680 it's not thought out. A response is thought out, and 0:10:59.720 --> 0:11:03.680 con reaction comes from old wounds or past experiences, but 0:11:03.720 --> 0:11:07.520 a response comes from this present awareness. Your reaction says 0:11:07.600 --> 0:11:09.680 how do I make this feeling go away? But you're 0:11:09.720 --> 0:11:12.280 responding says, who do I want to be in this 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:14.719 moment that I will be proud of in the next 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:17.600 five minutes, ten minutes, five years down the line. The 0:11:17.640 --> 0:11:20.440 next one is in a steadiness. It's about being less 0:11:20.480 --> 0:11:24.079 easily thrown around by life. Praise doesn't make you arrogant, 0:11:24.120 --> 0:11:27.800 Criticism doesn't destroy you. Success doesn't make you forget yourself. 0:11:27.920 --> 0:11:30.880 Foe doesn't make you hate yourself. This really beautiful word 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:34.640 called economity is something that I heard years and years ago, 0:11:34.679 --> 0:11:37.200 and it really stays with me because I've seen people 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:41.160 display the qualities of equanimity, this ability to stay steady 0:11:41.280 --> 0:11:44.040 throughout no matter what happens. There's no high high peaks, 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.480 there's no low lows. It's just this ability to receive 0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:52.880 everything that's happening in your life and maintain equonomity, or 0:11:52.920 --> 0:11:56.320 maintain this flow that fine, it might go a little 0:11:56.360 --> 0:11:58.200 bit up and the little bit down, but there's no 0:11:58.320 --> 0:12:01.040 extremes in your life. And that's because you understand your 0:12:01.080 --> 0:12:03.760 relationship with things like failure, with things like success, with 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:07.520 things like rejection, and you don't allow them to take control. 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:10.480 You allow yourself to observe them, observe how they're affecting 0:12:10.520 --> 0:12:14.240 your life. But you learn how to maintain this sense 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:16.760 of self throughout all of that, and this sense of 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:19.520 integrity to your values and your beliefs and who you 0:12:19.559 --> 0:12:22.160 are no matter what comes your way. And it's actually 0:12:22.200 --> 0:12:25.600 beautiful because it means that you're able to experience the 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:28.400 world from a place of neutrality, and that takes a 0:12:28.440 --> 0:12:30.480 lot to do, but I have seen people do it. 0:12:30.480 --> 0:12:33.000 It's a beautiful thing to aspire to, and it doesn't 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:36.280 mean the steadiness comes because life gets easier. It's just 0:12:36.320 --> 0:12:40.000 because you become more rooted, you become more steadfast in 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:43.200 your practices, you become better at seeing the world in 0:12:43.720 --> 0:12:46.280 not through all of those painful things that you've experienced. 0:12:46.679 --> 0:12:49.080 And then the last one is surrender. And this is 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:52.600 really the spiritual layer, the hardest thing to do in life. 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:55.080 Knowing what you can control and what you can't control 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:58.680 and being okay with that. Usually we want to control 0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:01.280 what we can't control and use to avoid what we 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:04.360 can control. And so it's knowing what is and what 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.960 is not in your control. What is in your control 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:11.640 is your effort, your attitude, your words, your choices, your integrity, 0:13:12.160 --> 0:13:15.880 you're discipline, your response. But what's not in your control 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:20.440 is the outcome other people's opinions, timing and how fast 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:24.199 or slow life goes, whether someone chooses you, how people 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:28.840 perceive you, the past, everything unfolding exactly as you planned. 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:31.520 Surrender is not giving up. Surrender is just giving your 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:34.480 best without trying to play god with the result. So 0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:37.360 I feel like we hear the self development tools a lot. Right. 0:13:37.400 --> 0:13:40.079 You've got your habits, your routines, your systems, You're journaling. 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:42.600 But self mastery is not really a set of behaviors. 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:44.720 It's just a way of being inside of your own life. 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:48.080 So the practices are often subtler, and they sometimes can 0:13:48.080 --> 0:13:50.400 look like nothing from the outside. But here are four 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:53.040 that I keep returning to in myself and my daily 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:56.120 practices that I found are really useful. So the first 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:59.520 one is watch one desire without immediately obeying it. And 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:02.160 this is such simple daily practice. But whether it's your 0:14:02.280 --> 0:14:04.720 urge to check your phone, whether it's you want to 0:14:04.760 --> 0:14:09.520 interrupt someone or something. You want sugar, pause, you want gossip, pause, 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:13.000 you want to send that reactive text, just pause, you 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:16.520 want to avoid this uncomfortable task. Pause. You don't even 0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:19.000 have to deny yourself every time. But the practice is, 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:21.560 can I feel this urge? Can I feel this desire 0:14:21.880 --> 0:14:24.880 without immediately responding. It's almost like when you think, oh 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:27.000 my god, I really need to eat a sweetweet right 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:29.720 now because I've just feel stressed out. It's that okay, Well, 0:14:29.760 --> 0:14:31.360 why don't you just sit with the stress instead for 0:14:31.400 --> 0:14:33.320 a second and see what it's telling you. Where is 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:35.440 the stress coming from? What are you actually trying to 0:14:35.440 --> 0:14:40.800 fulfill from that one hit of excitement or adrenaline your body, 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:43.240 what is it you're actually feeling, and so being able 0:14:43.280 --> 0:14:47.320 to watch the desire and sit with it before succumbing 0:14:47.360 --> 0:14:50.560 to it is definitely an incredible practice, and you notice 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:53.120 how you feel really rewarded in that moment when you 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.200 do do it, when you do just sit with it 0:14:55.320 --> 0:14:58.520 rather than just tending to your desires, because sometimes, well 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:00.720 a lot of the time, you end up deciding to 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:02.880 just go with it and you regret it afterwards, and 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:05.400 that's a sign that maybe you acted too fast in 0:15:05.440 --> 0:15:09.600 that moment. The second one is the pause before a reaction. Now, 0:15:09.600 --> 0:15:11.480 this is probably one of the most important ones. When 0:15:11.480 --> 0:15:14.760 something triggers, you practice creating space, so this isn't coming 0:15:14.760 --> 0:15:16.320 from a place of desire, but coming from a place 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:21.720 of trigger. Before replying, defending, explaining, snapping, spiraling, or proving yourself, 0:15:21.880 --> 0:15:24.000 just take a pause, take a moment, and try and 0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:27.480 observe and analyze. The third one is to practice detachment 0:15:27.560 --> 0:15:30.600 from an outcome. Now, this is really the buglergee to 0:15:30.720 --> 0:15:34.800 central instruction. Act fully but attached lightly. Pick one thing 0:15:34.840 --> 0:15:37.760 this week, a piece of work, conversation, or workout where 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:40.440 you do it as completely as you can, and then 0:15:40.480 --> 0:15:43.760 practice releasing your desire or your grip on the outcome. 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:46.720 You'll notice it mainly how much of your normal experience 0:15:46.760 --> 0:15:50.400 is contaminated by checking, monitoring, refreshing, and hoping, and that 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:53.360 checking is actually putting yourself through so much suffering. And 0:15:53.400 --> 0:15:55.360 the last one is to just sit with yourself with 0:15:55.480 --> 0:15:58.320 no input. A lot of self mastery is increasing your 0:15:58.320 --> 0:16:01.880 capacity to be uncomfortable without escaping. So this could look 0:16:01.920 --> 0:16:04.000 like sitting in silence for five minutes. Let me tell 0:16:04.040 --> 0:16:06.880 you you're doing so much silent work lately. Just sitting 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:09.200 with myself and the amount that it has been revealed 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:12.240 to me through that is like nothing else. It looks 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:14.280 like not grabbing your phone in a queue, letting yourself 0:16:14.280 --> 0:16:18.520 feel sadness without distracting you or any emotion, letting anxiety 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:21.040 move through your body before trying to solve it or 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:24.520 mask it, holding a boundary even when guilt rises. So 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:26.920 the question is can I say with myself even when 0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:30.200 this feeling is uncomfortable. So That's what I've learned so 0:16:30.280 --> 0:16:34.560 far about self mastery, and honestly, it's already in the 0:16:34.600 --> 0:16:37.240 time that I've been doing it feels like a much deeper, 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.280 meaningful journey. Than a lot of the self development I've 0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:41.960 been doing is, and by the way, that doesn't take 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:45.280 away from it. I think doing the journaling about the 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:47.880 things that you are observing and making sure you have 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:50.160 your morning routine and making sure you have those habits 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:53.000 in place while doing this work, the inner work where 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:56.360 you're actually in your mind, you're actually observing your mind 0:16:56.760 --> 0:16:58.920 while doing it, is really important. So I think both 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.800 of these things together are important, but doing one without 0:17:01.800 --> 0:17:04.200 the other can make you feel like you're going through 0:17:04.240 --> 0:17:07.000 the motions but still feeling quite empty. And so I'll 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:10.200 definitely update you guys on anything else that I find 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:13.480 out about myself or I find helps me through this journey. 0:17:13.880 --> 0:17:16.159 But it was really fun digging deep into it and 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:18.200 has really helped me to create so much more depth 0:17:18.240 --> 0:17:20.439 in my practices, and I really do hope that it 0:17:20.480 --> 0:17:22.640 helps you do that too, Siddy, You're so much love 0:17:22.680 --> 0:17:24.360 and I hope you have such a wonderful, wonderful week.