1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:02,760 Speaker 1: We hear the self development tools a lot. Right, You've 2 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:05,640 Speaker 1: got your habits, your routines, your systems, you're journaling, but 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,000 Speaker 1: self mastery is not really a set of behaviors. It's 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,760 Speaker 1: just a way of being inside of your own life. 5 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,440 Speaker 1: Welcome to you A Really Good Cry podcast. A Really 6 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:14,840 Speaker 1: Good Cry is here to help you understand your body. 7 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,840 Speaker 1: You're confident in your skin, manage your emotions, and take 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:21,000 Speaker 1: back control of your health. Because growth doesn't always start 9 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,400 Speaker 1: with answers, Sometimes it starts with a really good cry. 10 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:28,159 Speaker 1: Hello everyone, Welcome back to this week's episode of A 11 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: Really Good Cry. I hope you have had such a wonderful, fantastic, brilliant, extravagant, delicious, 12 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,760 Speaker 1: phenomenal week. But I really do wish all those things 13 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,159 Speaker 1: for you, I must say, But I honestly have been 14 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:46,200 Speaker 1: reflecting so much on my own journey in this self 15 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: development world that we all live in. You know, if 16 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: you're someone that's trying to better yourself, you read the books, 17 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: you listen to the podcast, you really are trying to 18 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,840 Speaker 1: create a better life for you and trying to understand 19 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 1: what is it that makes you a better person. But 20 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 1: I've been really reflecting on it in my own life, 21 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,280 Speaker 1: thinking God, am I really doing the work that I'm 22 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,479 Speaker 1: supposed to be doing, Like why does it still feel 23 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,680 Speaker 1: so unfulfilling? And I was struggling, and I kept feeling 24 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,400 Speaker 1: like I hadn't really done the work that I needed 25 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,240 Speaker 1: to feel how I wanted to feel, how I thought 26 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,880 Speaker 1: I would feel. And sometimes you can end up feeling 27 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 1: so disheartened if you are doing all the things year 28 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,160 Speaker 1: or year, and that you still don't feel good in yourself. 29 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 1: And I've been hearing people talk about self mastery and 30 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,959 Speaker 1: I thought it was just another name for self development, 31 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: or like the PhD version of it, but actually they're 32 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:34,280 Speaker 1: two completely different things. Self development is building habits, healing patterns, 33 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,399 Speaker 1: and becoming a better version of yourself. It's trying to 34 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,600 Speaker 1: improve who you are. But self mastery helps you to 35 00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: transform how you relate to who you are. So let 36 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,119 Speaker 1: me explain that a little bit more as we go along. 37 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: If you've ever felt like you've been doing the work 38 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,960 Speaker 1: for years and something still feels off, or like you're sharper, 39 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,480 Speaker 1: you're healthier, you're more disciplined, but somehow you still don't 40 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,840 Speaker 1: feel very free, this is probably why. And I don't 41 00:01:57,840 --> 00:01:59,480 Speaker 1: think you're supposed to do one or the other. I 42 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: actually think is the missing key, and that you're actually 43 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 1: supposed to be doing them both at the same time. 44 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,200 Speaker 1: So I wanted to go into that a little bit 45 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 1: more because feeling lost or unfulfilled is a really difficult 46 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,520 Speaker 1: feeling to have to go through in life, and why 47 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: should you when there is this possibility of not feeling 48 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,079 Speaker 1: like that? And to be honest, I'm the type of 49 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,919 Speaker 1: person who likes to try everything because life is worth 50 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: living and we want to live it feeling fulfilled and 51 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,640 Speaker 1: happy and feel like we're experiencing life the way that 52 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 1: we want to. The essence of it runs on one 53 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:29,600 Speaker 1: core question, how can I improve myself? And in real 54 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 1: life it sounds like I want to be more disciplined, 55 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:35,880 Speaker 1: I need better habits, I'm working on my confidence, I'm 56 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,880 Speaker 1: healing my attachment style. All those things that we really 57 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: do need to be doing that are very useful. They 58 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,960 Speaker 1: needed to help navigate the world, relationships, and life so 59 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: much better. But the assumption hidden underneath it is this 60 00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 1: idea that there's always something to fix, upgrade, or perfect, 61 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,720 Speaker 1: So you're always feeling a little bit broken, and so 62 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,040 Speaker 1: sometimes you can end up feeling like your own little project, 63 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 1: which you can feel a little overwhelming at times because 64 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: you're like, when does this stop? When do I stop 65 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:01,519 Speaker 1: fixing myself? Or a self master isn't about improving who 66 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,959 Speaker 1: you are. It's about understanding who you are, observing the self, 67 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,360 Speaker 1: and ultimately not being controlled by it. And so this 68 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: is really where the conversation moves away from psychology and 69 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: more into philosophy based on ancient thoughts and philosophies like 70 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:18,839 Speaker 1: the bug Bagita. Self mastery is this sability to beat 71 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:22,320 Speaker 1: in relationships with your mind, your emotions, your body, your desires, 72 00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:25,720 Speaker 1: your fears, your impulses, and your ego, but without being 73 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: ruled by them. It's not becoming emotionless. It's not controlling everything. 74 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,960 Speaker 1: It's not being perfectly healed, it's not never reacting, but 75 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,920 Speaker 1: it's the moment between that stimulus and that response getting wider. 76 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: It says, you're not your thoughts, you're not your emotions, 77 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: you're not your impulses, but you're creating the awareness behind them. 78 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: So the question shifts from how can I improve myself 79 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 1: to what is the self I'm trying to improve. It's 80 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 1: when you feel anger, but you don't feel controlled by it. 81 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,320 Speaker 1: You notice it, you hold it, and then you decide 82 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,320 Speaker 1: what to do with it. You notice insecurity without spiraling 83 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: into a forty five minute hostage situation in your own head. 84 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:03,400 Speaker 1: You act with discipline, not because you're forcing yourself, but 85 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,200 Speaker 1: because you're no longer ruled by every distraction that pulls 86 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 1: at you. You don't need constant validation because your sense 87 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,240 Speaker 1: of self isn't actually plugged into other people's opinions of 88 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,280 Speaker 1: you in the first place. This is the simplest way 89 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 1: that I've understood the difference. Self development changes your behavior 90 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: and it refines your identity. It works within the mind. 91 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,359 Speaker 1: Self mastery changes your relationship to your mind. Nevern so 92 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,040 Speaker 1: many times in my life where I felt like self 93 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:28,120 Speaker 1: development and all the things that come with it can 94 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,680 Speaker 1: become such a trap, feeling like I should be taking 95 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,120 Speaker 1: the boxes but not really getting to the depths of 96 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: what it truly means. Listening to the podcast but not 97 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:39,120 Speaker 1: actually implementing them. It was kind of about the optics 98 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,880 Speaker 1: rather than the true depths that it requires to create 99 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 1: a change of mindset that you need to feel better. 100 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:49,640 Speaker 1: There's this Buddhist teacher who called this spiritual materialism the 101 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: way that the ego co op spiritual and personal growth 102 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 1: practices to really strengthen itself. So now you're not just successful, 103 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,320 Speaker 1: but you're evolved. You're not just attractive, you're self aware, 104 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,720 Speaker 1: you're not just productive, but you're heal well. And I've 105 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 1: noticed this in myself before. The version of me that's 106 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 1: doing the work can be just as performative as the 107 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,240 Speaker 1: version of me that wasn't doing any work at all, 108 00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: and sometimes more so because now it has this moral 109 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: framework to defend itself with. I read this quote and 110 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,479 Speaker 1: I felt like it really related to this. It said, 111 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 1: if your sense of self is always tied to who 112 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,760 Speaker 1: you're becoming, you never get to feel whole as you are. 113 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:23,200 Speaker 1: And I was trying to think about how this would 114 00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,760 Speaker 1: work in our everyday life, like how does self development 115 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,440 Speaker 1: show up differently to self mastery when it comes to 116 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,719 Speaker 1: things like relationships. I think self development is something like 117 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:35,640 Speaker 1: how do I communicate better? How do I express my needs? 118 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: How do I set boundaries? But self mastery is why 119 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 1: am I reacting at all? What part of me is 120 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,840 Speaker 1: being triggered right now? And can I witness it all 121 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,159 Speaker 1: before I act on it? The first one is about 122 00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,920 Speaker 1: doing the relationship better. But the second one is about 123 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 1: meeting the part of you that the relationship is exposing. 124 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,719 Speaker 1: Both obviously matter, both need to be done, but notice 125 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,000 Speaker 1: that the second one doesn't require the other person to 126 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: change for you to be okay. In work, self development 127 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,800 Speaker 1: can show up as productivity hacks, time blocking, discipline systems, 128 00:06:05,839 --> 00:06:08,680 Speaker 1: you know, trying to optimize as much as possible. But 129 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,440 Speaker 1: in self mastery, it's focusing without the inner resistance, detaching 130 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,120 Speaker 1: from the outcome, doing the work because the work is 131 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 1: yours to do, not because of what you will get 132 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,839 Speaker 1: out of it. And that's a really hard thing to 133 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,200 Speaker 1: try and wrap your head around. And it actually ties 134 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 1: beautifully into one of the key messages of the bug 135 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,680 Speaker 1: with Gita and ancient text, and it says, do the 136 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,080 Speaker 1: action that is yours to do and release your attachment 137 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: to the result, not because the results don't matter, but 138 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,400 Speaker 1: because tying your sense of self to the outcomes you 139 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 1: don't fully control is just the fast tract to suffering. 140 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 1: In emotions, it can show up as regulate, reframe, journal 141 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 1: it out, breath work, talk to your therapist, But with 142 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:47,240 Speaker 1: self mastery, it's more like observe without attachment. Let those 143 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: emotions move through you instead of becoming you. So there's 144 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,080 Speaker 1: a big difference between I am sad and I'm noticing 145 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,919 Speaker 1: sadness in me. It sounds like semantics, but it isn't. 146 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,520 Speaker 1: One puts you inside of the weather and the other 147 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,520 Speaker 1: puts you on this mountain what the weather pass? And look, 148 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,440 Speaker 1: this whole episode could end up sounding a little bit 149 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,800 Speaker 1: spiritual vibes, woo woo, whatever you want to call it, 150 00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,160 Speaker 1: like cool. Yeah, you're saying you're not your thoughts? What 151 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,320 Speaker 1: does that even mean? I've had that so many times, 152 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,400 Speaker 1: But the Vaidy takes I've been pointing at this for 153 00:07:12,480 --> 00:07:16,560 Speaker 1: thousands of years saying that we can get there through introspection. 154 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,320 Speaker 1: So I want to go into some of the deeper 155 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,880 Speaker 1: qualities that self mastery is based on. The first one 156 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 1: is detachment. Detachment doesn't mean that you don't care. It 157 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,960 Speaker 1: means that you are no longer possessed by the outcome. 158 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,720 Speaker 1: You can want something really deeply without making your peace 159 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,320 Speaker 1: dependent on it. In real life, detachment sounds like I 160 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 1: would love this opportunity, but my worth is not dependent 161 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 1: on getting it. I really care about this person, but 162 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,360 Speaker 1: I can't control how they respond. I will give it 163 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: my best, but I won't let the result decide who 164 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,080 Speaker 1: I am or how I feel about myself. The second 165 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: one is self control, and self control is not suppression. 166 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,560 Speaker 1: It's not saying I don't feel angry. It's saying I 167 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:54,119 Speaker 1: feel really angry, but I'm not gonna let anger choose 168 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: my words for me. Self control is being able to 169 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,320 Speaker 1: pause before acting from your senses, whether it's hunger or fear, 170 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:04,720 Speaker 1: or jealousy, in security, last ego comparison resentment. It's basically 171 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: not acting from impulse. It's not denying the emotion, but 172 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 1: it's refusing to let that emotion become the driver of 173 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: our life, which brings you onto the third concept, which 174 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:16,520 Speaker 1: is emotional regulation. Self mastering means that your emotions are 175 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,760 Speaker 1: allowed to exist, but they're not allowed to ruin your 176 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,960 Speaker 1: whole life and run it. You can feel grief without 177 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:25,040 Speaker 1: collapsing into hopelessness. You can feel feel without abandoning your path, 178 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: and you can feel insecurity without seeking immediate validation. The 179 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,640 Speaker 1: goal is not to feel less. The goal is to 180 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 1: be less controlled by what you feel, and so self 181 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: mastery is definitely not the absence of all of these 182 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 1: feelings and emotions. It's just this ability to meet all 183 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: of them without handing them the keys to your life, 184 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:44,840 Speaker 1: without letting them control you. The next principle is discipline. 185 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: Discipline is a huge part of self mastery because it 186 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:49,600 Speaker 1: teaches the body and the mind that you can keep 187 00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,800 Speaker 1: promises even when your mood changes. It's when your actions 188 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: are led by your values, not your cravings or your 189 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,920 Speaker 1: immediate desires. So it looks like I may not feel 190 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,959 Speaker 1: like moving my body, but I really value my health. 191 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,559 Speaker 1: Or I want to react so badly, but I really 192 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,720 Speaker 1: value my piece. I want to scroll, but I value 193 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: my focus and attention right now. And so it's seeing 194 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,400 Speaker 1: discipline as not being something punishing, but as seeing as 195 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: devotion to the person that you are becoming or want 196 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,800 Speaker 1: to be. The next principle is awareness. Awareness is foundation 197 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:20,000 Speaker 1: of self mastery. You cannot master what you cannot see, 198 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,199 Speaker 1: and so this is the ability to notice your patterns 199 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 1: in real time. Oh this is me people pleasing. Oh 200 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: this is me trying to prove myself. Oh this is 201 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,760 Speaker 1: me spiraling because I feel rejected. Oh, I'm actually attaching 202 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,240 Speaker 1: my worth to this outcome, and it's making me feel 203 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: like This awareness actually helps to create distance between you 204 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,680 Speaker 1: and the patterns that you've created. The next principle is 205 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 1: ego mastery. Now, I think this is one of the 206 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 1: deepest parts. The ego wants to be right. It wants 207 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,319 Speaker 1: to be seen and wants to be praised. It wants 208 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,120 Speaker 1: to be chosen. It wants to be safe and in control. 209 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,760 Speaker 1: Self mastery is being able to notice when your ego 210 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,040 Speaker 1: is leading. So, for example, you don't need to win 211 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,679 Speaker 1: every argument. You don't need to be understood by everyone, 212 00:09:57,679 --> 00:09:59,880 Speaker 1: and you don't need to prove your goodness. You don't 213 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:02,079 Speaker 1: need to make someone else wrong to feel secure, and 214 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,760 Speaker 1: you don't need to constantly feel validated to believe that 215 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 1: you matter. And so self mastery is really working on 216 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:11,360 Speaker 1: all these things, noticing, observing, and then correcting. The next 217 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,120 Speaker 1: one is desire management, and so it's not about having 218 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: no desires, it's having a clean relationship with desire. Desire 219 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:20,880 Speaker 1: becomes dangerous when it turns into attachment, addiction, or identity 220 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,600 Speaker 1: when you give into every single thing that your mind thinks, 221 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,040 Speaker 1: or feels or desires. And so a healthy desire says 222 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,880 Speaker 1: I want this, but attachment and an unhealthy desire says 223 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,840 Speaker 1: I need this to be okay, and so self mastery 224 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,439 Speaker 1: helps you to desire something sure, but not become enslaved 225 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:41,080 Speaker 1: by it. Whether it's food, attention, love, success, beuty, money, recognition. 226 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 1: None of these are bad, but when they control you, 227 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,240 Speaker 1: they become a cage that you live in. The next 228 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: principle is a response over reaction. This is something I 229 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 1: definitely have struggled with in my life, along with most 230 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 1: of the other things we've just spoken about. But it's 231 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:57,239 Speaker 1: this ability to respond instead of reacting a reaction that's automatic, 232 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,680 Speaker 1: it's not thought out. A response is thought out, and 233 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,680 Speaker 1: con reaction comes from old wounds or past experiences, but 234 00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:07,520 Speaker 1: a response comes from this present awareness. Your reaction says 235 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 1: how do I make this feeling go away? But you're 236 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,280 Speaker 1: responding says, who do I want to be in this 237 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,719 Speaker 1: moment that I will be proud of in the next 238 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,600 Speaker 1: five minutes, ten minutes, five years down the line. The 239 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,440 Speaker 1: next one is in a steadiness. It's about being less 240 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:24,079 Speaker 1: easily thrown around by life. Praise doesn't make you arrogant, 241 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,800 Speaker 1: Criticism doesn't destroy you. Success doesn't make you forget yourself. 242 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,880 Speaker 1: Foe doesn't make you hate yourself. This really beautiful word 243 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,640 Speaker 1: called economity is something that I heard years and years ago, 244 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:37,200 Speaker 1: and it really stays with me because I've seen people 245 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,160 Speaker 1: display the qualities of equanimity, this ability to stay steady 246 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: throughout no matter what happens. There's no high high peaks, 247 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: there's no low lows. It's just this ability to receive 248 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,880 Speaker 1: everything that's happening in your life and maintain equonomity, or 249 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:56,320 Speaker 1: maintain this flow that fine, it might go a little 250 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:58,200 Speaker 1: bit up and the little bit down, but there's no 251 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,040 Speaker 1: extremes in your life. And that's because you understand your 252 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,760 Speaker 1: relationship with things like failure, with things like success, with 253 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,520 Speaker 1: things like rejection, and you don't allow them to take control. 254 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,480 Speaker 1: You allow yourself to observe them, observe how they're affecting 255 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: your life. But you learn how to maintain this sense 256 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,760 Speaker 1: of self throughout all of that, and this sense of 257 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,520 Speaker 1: integrity to your values and your beliefs and who you 258 00:12:19,559 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 1: are no matter what comes your way. And it's actually 259 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,600 Speaker 1: beautiful because it means that you're able to experience the 260 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 1: world from a place of neutrality, and that takes a 261 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,480 Speaker 1: lot to do, but I have seen people do it. 262 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,000 Speaker 1: It's a beautiful thing to aspire to, and it doesn't 263 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 1: mean the steadiness comes because life gets easier. It's just 264 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,000 Speaker 1: because you become more rooted, you become more steadfast in 265 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,200 Speaker 1: your practices, you become better at seeing the world in 266 00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: not through all of those painful things that you've experienced. 267 00:12:46,679 --> 00:12:49,080 Speaker 1: And then the last one is surrender. And this is 268 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:52,600 Speaker 1: really the spiritual layer, the hardest thing to do in life. 269 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,080 Speaker 1: Knowing what you can control and what you can't control 270 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,680 Speaker 1: and being okay with that. Usually we want to control 271 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 1: what we can't control and use to avoid what we 272 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,360 Speaker 1: can control. And so it's knowing what is and what 273 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,960 Speaker 1: is not in your control. What is in your control 274 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:11,640 Speaker 1: is your effort, your attitude, your words, your choices, your integrity, 275 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,880 Speaker 1: you're discipline, your response. But what's not in your control 276 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:20,440 Speaker 1: is the outcome other people's opinions, timing and how fast 277 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: or slow life goes, whether someone chooses you, how people 278 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:28,840 Speaker 1: perceive you, the past, everything unfolding exactly as you planned. 279 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,520 Speaker 1: Surrender is not giving up. Surrender is just giving your 280 00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:34,480 Speaker 1: best without trying to play god with the result. So 281 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 1: I feel like we hear the self development tools a lot. Right. 282 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,079 Speaker 1: You've got your habits, your routines, your systems, You're journaling. 283 00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 1: But self mastery is not really a set of behaviors. 284 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,720 Speaker 1: It's just a way of being inside of your own life. 285 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,080 Speaker 1: So the practices are often subtler, and they sometimes can 286 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 1: look like nothing from the outside. But here are four 287 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,040 Speaker 1: that I keep returning to in myself and my daily 288 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:56,120 Speaker 1: practices that I found are really useful. So the first 289 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,520 Speaker 1: one is watch one desire without immediately obeying it. And 290 00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: this is such simple daily practice. But whether it's your 291 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,720 Speaker 1: urge to check your phone, whether it's you want to 292 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:09,520 Speaker 1: interrupt someone or something. You want sugar, pause, you want gossip, pause, 293 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: you want to send that reactive text, just pause, you 294 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,520 Speaker 1: want to avoid this uncomfortable task. Pause. You don't even 295 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 1: have to deny yourself every time. But the practice is, 296 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,560 Speaker 1: can I feel this urge? Can I feel this desire 297 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,880 Speaker 1: without immediately responding. It's almost like when you think, oh 298 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: my god, I really need to eat a sweetweet right 299 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 1: now because I've just feel stressed out. It's that okay, Well, 300 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,360 Speaker 1: why don't you just sit with the stress instead for 301 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,320 Speaker 1: a second and see what it's telling you. Where is 302 00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: the stress coming from? What are you actually trying to 303 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: fulfill from that one hit of excitement or adrenaline your body, 304 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,240 Speaker 1: what is it you're actually feeling, and so being able 305 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 1: to watch the desire and sit with it before succumbing 306 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 1: to it is definitely an incredible practice, and you notice 307 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,120 Speaker 1: how you feel really rewarded in that moment when you 308 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:55,200 Speaker 1: do do it, when you do just sit with it 309 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,520 Speaker 1: rather than just tending to your desires, because sometimes, well 310 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 1: a lot of the time, you end up deciding to 311 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,880 Speaker 1: just go with it and you regret it afterwards, and 312 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 1: that's a sign that maybe you acted too fast in 313 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:09,600 Speaker 1: that moment. The second one is the pause before a reaction. Now, 314 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,480 Speaker 1: this is probably one of the most important ones. When 315 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 1: something triggers, you practice creating space, so this isn't coming 316 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:16,320 Speaker 1: from a place of desire, but coming from a place 317 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:21,720 Speaker 1: of trigger. Before replying, defending, explaining, snapping, spiraling, or proving yourself, 318 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,000 Speaker 1: just take a pause, take a moment, and try and 319 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,480 Speaker 1: observe and analyze. The third one is to practice detachment 320 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,600 Speaker 1: from an outcome. Now, this is really the buglergee to 321 00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: central instruction. Act fully but attached lightly. Pick one thing 322 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,760 Speaker 1: this week, a piece of work, conversation, or workout where 323 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,440 Speaker 1: you do it as completely as you can, and then 324 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:43,760 Speaker 1: practice releasing your desire or your grip on the outcome. 325 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,720 Speaker 1: You'll notice it mainly how much of your normal experience 326 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 1: is contaminated by checking, monitoring, refreshing, and hoping, and that 327 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: checking is actually putting yourself through so much suffering. And 328 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: the last one is to just sit with yourself with 329 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: no input. A lot of self mastery is increasing your 330 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,880 Speaker 1: capacity to be uncomfortable without escaping. So this could look 331 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,000 Speaker 1: like sitting in silence for five minutes. Let me tell 332 00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,880 Speaker 1: you you're doing so much silent work lately. Just sitting 333 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 1: with myself and the amount that it has been revealed 334 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 1: to me through that is like nothing else. It looks 335 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: like not grabbing your phone in a queue, letting yourself 336 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: feel sadness without distracting you or any emotion, letting anxiety 337 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 1: move through your body before trying to solve it or 338 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: mask it, holding a boundary even when guilt rises. So 339 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,920 Speaker 1: the question is can I say with myself even when 340 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 1: this feeling is uncomfortable. So That's what I've learned so 341 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 1: far about self mastery, and honestly, it's already in the 342 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,240 Speaker 1: time that I've been doing it feels like a much deeper, 343 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: meaningful journey. Than a lot of the self development I've 344 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:41,960 Speaker 1: been doing is, and by the way, that doesn't take 345 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,280 Speaker 1: away from it. I think doing the journaling about the 346 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,880 Speaker 1: things that you are observing and making sure you have 347 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: your morning routine and making sure you have those habits 348 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,000 Speaker 1: in place while doing this work, the inner work where 349 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,360 Speaker 1: you're actually in your mind, you're actually observing your mind 350 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,920 Speaker 1: while doing it, is really important. So I think both 351 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 1: of these things together are important, but doing one without 352 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,200 Speaker 1: the other can make you feel like you're going through 353 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,000 Speaker 1: the motions but still feeling quite empty. And so I'll 354 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 1: definitely update you guys on anything else that I find 355 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 1: out about myself or I find helps me through this journey. 356 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 1: But it was really fun digging deep into it and 357 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,200 Speaker 1: has really helped me to create so much more depth 358 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,439 Speaker 1: in my practices, and I really do hope that it 359 00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,640 Speaker 1: helps you do that too, Siddy, You're so much love 360 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,360 Speaker 1: and I hope you have such a wonderful, wonderful week.