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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 2: This year, I'm focusing on experiences over material gifts, so

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Speaker 2: I'm skipping the holiday gift exchange. We can plan for

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Speaker 2: something in the future. Simple sweet you send to be

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Speaker 2: a text, or you can have the conversation to person.

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Speaker 2: That's a great way to set that boundary. Make it clear,

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Speaker 2: let them know you're going to be saving your coins

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Speaker 2: and you're not doing the gift exchange.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghearspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon tab.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 3: women like you. We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Bussard, a

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Speaker 3: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends, and create a safe space where

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Speaker 2: black women can just be.

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Speaker 3: All right. Our quote of the day, life is short,

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Speaker 3: and it's up to you to make it sweet. And

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Speaker 3: that quote comes to us from Sadie Delaney. Lady, if

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Speaker 3: you don't know who Sadie Delaney is, then take a

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Speaker 3: moment and google her. She's someone you need to know.

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Speaker 3: And I'm going to read that quote one more time

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Speaker 3: for the quote, folks in the back. Life short and

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Speaker 3: it's up to you to make it sweet, all right,

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Speaker 3: seem So we're talking about the holidays and navigating the

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Speaker 3: holidays when maybe it's not your thing. So how do

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Speaker 3: you when you hear this quote? What comes up for you?

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Speaker 3: I clearly was about to go into what I thought.

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Speaker 4: So you're a good girl, okay, So let me. I'm

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Speaker 4: looking at the quote again. Life is sure and it's

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Speaker 4: up to you. When I hear this quote, don to me.

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Speaker 2: It just it's an empowering quote where it just to

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Speaker 2: me communicates the fact that we have.

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Speaker 4: The power and.

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Speaker 2: The control and the influence to make the most out

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Speaker 2: of this this short period of time. That we have

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Speaker 2: here on this planet that we're aware of, right, because

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Speaker 2: I know there may be you know, people believe there

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Speaker 2: are multiple lives and all that stuff, But this is

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Speaker 2: the time, this is the present, This is the only

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Speaker 2: time that we are aware of in this very moment,

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Speaker 2: and so we have the power to make the most

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Speaker 2: out of it.

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Speaker 4: That's kind of what I what I get from it.

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Speaker 3: What about you, girl, Well, I think for me, yeah,

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Speaker 3: I think, yes, I like that word that you said,

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Speaker 3: that we have the power to make the most of it, right,

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Speaker 3: And I think when it specifically comes to thinking about

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Speaker 3: navigating the holidays, yeah, it is up to you to

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Speaker 3: make the holidays what you want them to be for you,

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Speaker 3: And so to me, I felt it was really fitting

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Speaker 3: to use this quote for what we're going to talk

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Speaker 3: about today.

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Speaker 4: I love it. I love it.

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Speaker 2: And Lady, as we approach the holiday season, you already

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Speaker 2: know that society tends to expect us all to get

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Speaker 2: into this festive spirit, right, But what happens when the

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Speaker 2: holidays don't resonate with you? Whether it's do to family pressure,

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Speaker 2: mental health struggles, or feeling a disconnection in general, the

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Speaker 2: holidays can be challenging for people and so today we're

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Speaker 2: going to dive into why that happens and how we

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Speaker 2: can navigate it in a way that aligns with our needs,

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Speaker 2: not the pressure to conform to this ideal holiday image.

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Speaker 2: But before we jump in, let's talk about a couple questions. Okay, So, lady,

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Speaker 2: reflect on this question as we have this conversation. What

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Speaker 2: does the holiday season truly mean to you? Is it

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Speaker 2: about family, tradition, relaxation, or maybe something else?

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Speaker 4: Right?

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Speaker 2: Think about that as we explore this conversation. And of course,

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Speaker 2: Dom you already know it's about you already know what's coming.

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Speaker 2: I want to ask you, what does the holiday season?

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Speaker 2: What does it mean to you?

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Speaker 3: Well? I think for me, and if you've listened to

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Speaker 3: previous episodes, particularly our most recent episode where we talk

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Speaker 3: about the fall season, the holidays for me is about

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Speaker 3: being with family, and the holidays is really about that

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Speaker 3: time that you get to spend with your loved ones.

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Speaker 3: And I, you know, one of the things that my

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Speaker 3: family and I are constantly navigating is what are the

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Speaker 3: traditions that we loved growing up that we want to

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Speaker 3: hang on to and pass down to the upcoming generations,

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Speaker 3: And what are the things that we're like, you know what,

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Speaker 3: let's create some new traditions and figuring out what that

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Speaker 3: truly looks like for us as our family is constantly

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Speaker 3: in times, culture is constantly evolving.

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Speaker 4: Okay, I love that. I love that. I would say,

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Speaker 4: I think mine is similar.

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Speaker 2: I know we're going to dive deeper into like what

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Speaker 2: our personal experiences of the holidays are today, But I

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Speaker 2: would say, when I think about what the season truly

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Speaker 2: means to me, it's about flow for me, like going

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Speaker 2: with my personal flow. And what I mean by that

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Speaker 2: is it may look different year to year.

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Speaker 4: So there are some years.

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Speaker 2: Where I've cooked up a storm and we had a

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Speaker 2: holiday dinner and it was a more traditional experience, and

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Speaker 2: then there are other years where I went to the

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Speaker 2: movies on Christmas, or I like ordered out on Thanksgiving.

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Speaker 2: You know what I mean saying, I think for me,

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Speaker 2: it just depends on what we're feeling in that year,

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Speaker 2: what our spirits or bodies are gravitating towards.

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Speaker 4: Sometimes.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, Okay, I'm going to stop there because I'm about

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Speaker 2: to get into more examples, and we'll say that for later.

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Speaker 4: We'll say that for later in the conversation.

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Speaker 2: But a couple other questions, lady that you can think

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Speaker 2: of as we have this conversation include do you ever

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Speaker 2: feel like the holidays are more about surviving than celebrating?

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Speaker 2: And if you have your journal, girl, go ahead and

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Speaker 2: write to your answer there. And the last one is

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Speaker 2: how do you respond when everyone around you is deep

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Speaker 2: in holiday spirit but you're just not feeling it at all.

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Speaker 2: You're over the Christmas songs, You're over the commercials, you're

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Speaker 2: over the festive stuff in the stores. You're just like,

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Speaker 2: oh my god, I can't wait for it to be over, right, Yeah.

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Speaker 3: You know, and I want to. I want to make

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Speaker 3: sure that we truly are like making space for that, right,

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Speaker 3: that last question, because particularly here in the States, we

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Speaker 3: are inundated with the holidays, with the holiday and the

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Speaker 3: expectation that there's going to be joy, right, and a

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Speaker 3: lot of it also feels more commercialized and materialistic than

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Speaker 3: it used to be. So, you know, I recently was

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Speaker 3: in the store before Halloween, so I think it was

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Speaker 3: on my birthday, And for those who don't know, my

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Speaker 3: birthday is October twenty fourth, so it's the literally the

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Speaker 3: week before Halloween, and I was in the store. The

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Speaker 3: story shall remain nameless, but they were already in the

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Speaker 3: midst of moving Halloween items to the sale section and

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Speaker 3: starting to make room for the holiday Christmas type decorations.

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Speaker 3: And then I was in the grocery store and they

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Speaker 3: were already they were moving again. They were also moving

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Speaker 3: the Halloween candy into the sale aisle and making room

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Speaker 3: for Thanksgiving dinner items. And this was before Halloween had

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Speaker 3: even happened. And so for me, like I said at

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Speaker 3: the beginning, I love the holidays, but I could imagine

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Speaker 3: if I was someone who didn't enjoy the holidays, or

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Speaker 3: this particular holiday season is going to be a hard

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Speaker 3: one for whatever reason that might be to walk in

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Speaker 3: the store before Halloween and be inundated with holiday things

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Speaker 3: that you're now going to be inundated with for the

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Speaker 3: next two months. And I could imagine how hard that

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Speaker 3: might be to have to over these next couple of

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Speaker 3: months be constantly bombarded with all of the Christmas things,

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Speaker 3: And what if you don't even celebrate Christmas.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's definitely been a shift when I think about

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Speaker 2: how I viewed the holiday season when I was younger

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Speaker 2: compared to now just being an adult, right, But I

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Speaker 2: would say that I think we can augree that the

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Speaker 2: holiday season or the holidays in general, are heavily marketed

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Speaker 2: around joy, family gatherings and creating memories, and there's this

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Speaker 2: collective assumption that everyone should share in this enthusiasm, right,

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Speaker 2: And like you mentioned, do we have Thanksgiving Christmas? Like

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Speaker 2: you said, some people may not celebrate Christmas, we have

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Speaker 2: quang And I think I'm probably getting ahead of myself,

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Speaker 2: but I think that people who have experienced loss in particular,

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Speaker 2: it can be a tough time because even if you

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Speaker 2: lost someone years ago or in the beginning of the year,

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Speaker 2: the holiday is again supposed to be this time where

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Speaker 2: families are together, this joy and stuff like that.

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Speaker 4: So it's definitely bittersweet.

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Speaker 2: I remember years where it was a highlight and I

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Speaker 2: was so excited for the holiday season. But again, as

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Speaker 2: things have shifted, which we'll talk about soon, it's changed

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Speaker 2: and not everyone has fond memories or feels connection, and

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Speaker 2: that's okay. But I don't think there are society in

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Speaker 2: general hold space for the other side of the coin.

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Speaker 2: I think everything is, and not to say that stores

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Speaker 2: need to, Like I don't think there's an ideal time.

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Speaker 2: Maybe there is, I don't know when they put stuff out.

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Speaker 2: But I think that you're like girl, not before Halloween.

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Speaker 3: Not before Halloween.

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Speaker 4: Halloween.

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Speaker 3: Okay, can we get through Halloween?

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Speaker 2: Please?

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Speaker 3: Can we hit November first like something? We can we

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Speaker 3: get through all of that first. But I digress.

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Speaker 4: No, you're right, they do. They are. Yeah, they be

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Speaker 4: on it. They be on it.

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Speaker 2: But when we think about this, Dom, I guess should

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Speaker 2: we talk about our experiences? Because I think that it's

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Speaker 2: interesting that we are sort of holding space and coming

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Speaker 2: from different vantage points when it comes to our perspective

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Speaker 2: on the holidays.

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Speaker 4: So do you want to start.

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Speaker 2: About I don't know, talk about what it was like

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Speaker 2: for you when you were younger and how that comparison

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Speaker 2: at this age, and then I could do the same.

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Speaker 2: Hey lady, it's Terry here, Dom and I want to

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Speaker 2: take a moment to thank you for choosing to listen

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Speaker 2: to our podcast. We love you for real, and we

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Speaker 2: want to give you a chance to learn more about

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Speaker 2: what's important to us. So tell us what you think

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Speaker 2: about this.

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Speaker 5: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 5: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 5: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 5: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 5: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 5: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now, I

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Speaker 5: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

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Speaker 5: exclusive Cultivating her Space Sanctuary Slack channel, and throughout your

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Speaker 5: day and week, you are conversing with us about what's

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Speaker 5: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and or

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Speaker 5: personal wins.

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Speaker 2: How does that sound? Hopefully this is up your alley, lady,

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Speaker 2: because we are taking things to the next level this year,

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Speaker 2: and we're doubling down on investing in our community.

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Speaker 4: That means you.

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Speaker 2: We want to meet you, connect with you, and create

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Speaker 2: communities of genuine women who love on black women and

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Speaker 2: push our culture and movement forward. We launched this podcast

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Speaker 2: in twenty nineteen, and to date, we have not missed

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Speaker 2: We'll hop right back into the conversation.

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Speaker 6: I'm total on that and so so okay, so what

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Speaker 6: I'll say is for the listener, like, yeah, I'm not

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Speaker 6: going to spend time talking about my holidays.

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Speaker 3: Only because in this particular episode, only because I, like,

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Speaker 3: I have very fond memories. Now, I will say that

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Speaker 3: there were points in life where things shifted and so

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Speaker 3: maybe the holidays had to be look a little different.

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Speaker 3: So I think about like the first holiday after my

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Speaker 3: brother died, the first holidays after my grandfather died. Those

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Speaker 3: are particularly hard because it was like, oh wait, okay,

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Speaker 3: how do we navigate without them being at the table right,

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Speaker 3: like physically wasn't at the table, but since then we

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Speaker 3: have found ways. I also think about and this was

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Speaker 3: all around the same time after Hurricane Katrina, and our

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Speaker 3: family was no longer in the family home, my grandparents'

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Speaker 3: home where we trad celebrated all of the holidays, right,

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Speaker 3: and so that took some figuring out on the family's part.

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Speaker 3: I think about now that one of my sisters has

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Speaker 3: relocated back home to Louisiana and what this upcoming holiday

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Speaker 3: season is going to look like, and and so I

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Speaker 3: think that there are there in my life. There have

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Speaker 3: been different times when the holidays have looked different, but

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Speaker 3: something that has always been important for me is that

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Speaker 3: figuring finding joy throughout all of that. And so yeah,

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Speaker 3: so I think that that's been my vantage point, right that, Like,

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Speaker 3: the holidays has always been a big deal for me.

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Speaker 3: I even think about during COVID, they're figuring out what

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Speaker 3: that was going.

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Speaker 4: To look like.

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Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, And I'm specifically talking about twenty twenty, right,

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Speaker 3: Like that was yet that was interesting, right, and I literally,

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Speaker 3: like I can recall literally spending Thanksgiving alone and what

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Speaker 3: that looked like to But I was adamant that there

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Speaker 3: were certain traditions that I wanted to uphold for myself

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Speaker 3: even though I was alone, and so in figuring out

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Speaker 3: what were the ways that I was going to find

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Speaker 3: joy in that moment despite being alone.

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Speaker 4: Oh Don, that was a really good overview.

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Speaker 2: I really appreciate that, And you got me thinking now too, because,

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Speaker 2: as you said, that made me think about why the

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Speaker 2: holiday season was such a big thing in my family.

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Speaker 2: And I think a lot of it had to do

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Speaker 2: with the fact that my grandmother bought into it, like

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Speaker 2: she was so into it.

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Speaker 3: Of course we were.

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Speaker 2: I was also raising church, so a lot of the

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Speaker 2: holidays seasons there were there were I want to say

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Speaker 2: themed sort of church days or experiences that we'd have

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Speaker 2: as well.

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Speaker 4: And so with my grandmother girl.

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Speaker 2: She had the box of decorations that she used year

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Speaker 2: after year and sometimes to add new ones. So we

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Speaker 2: had the decorations, we went out and we would buy

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Speaker 2: a tree together as a family and like decorate the

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Speaker 2: tree the house.

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Speaker 4: I mean, she decorated outside.

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Speaker 2: So I think a lot of the excitement came from

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Speaker 2: her leading the charge as the matriarch and us following

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Speaker 2: along and being excited, and of course the gifts and

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Speaker 2: all that and so I'm with you. There were definitely

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Speaker 2: some holidays where it was like, oh, this is gonna

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Speaker 2: be a tough one, right, so like you know, if

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Speaker 2: someone passed away, or if like there was a time

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Speaker 2: when my mom got locked up, like right around the

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Speaker 2: holiday season and so we had to navigate that or

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Speaker 2: and then there were some really good holidays. I remember

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Speaker 2: when I was a child, like back in the day

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Speaker 2: where we had so many gifts that it was just

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Speaker 2: said for a very joyous time. But I fast forward

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Speaker 2: to today, I would say that because my I don't

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Speaker 2: have any grandparents left, y'all, which is so sad because

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Speaker 2: I think when we're younger and we see our grandparents,

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Speaker 2: you know, you know that you're getting older and they're

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Speaker 2: getting older. But it just it didn't really hit me

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Speaker 2: in the same way like, oh, my goodness, living life

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Speaker 2: without them. And I was pretty close to all of

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Speaker 2: my grandparents, so not having them there, not having my

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Speaker 2: grandmother or my mom to lead the charge, I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of the traditions kind of fell by the wayside.

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Speaker 2: And so I really view the holiday season or the

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Speaker 2: winter in general as a time of rest and then

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Speaker 2: again going with the flow, like what do I feel

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Speaker 2: like doing this year to commemorate family members that have

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Speaker 2: passed or to create my own traditions. So I feel like,

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Speaker 2: for the purpose of the conversation, Tom, it's like, you're

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Speaker 2: you have this very like family back to joy centered

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Speaker 2: holiday season, where mine is like it's a mix of

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Speaker 2: a lot of different things and it depends so like

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Speaker 2: where I'm feeling how I'm feeling that season, Like this

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Speaker 2: is my first this is my first holiday season with me,

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Speaker 2: like having announced that I'm you know, separated, divorced, and

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Speaker 2: trying to figure out what is the holiday season going

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Speaker 2: to look like in this phase, Like I don't know,

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Speaker 2: we haven't met that out yet.

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Speaker 4: So yet, Lady, we have lots and lots to talk

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Speaker 4: about today. So should we touch.

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Speaker 2: Briefly down on just some of the reasons why the

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Speaker 2: holiday season may not be someone's thing? And then we'll

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Speaker 2: jump into Lady will do a deeper dive into tips

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Speaker 2: for navigating holiday pressures.

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Speaker 4: Yes, all right, let's take into it.

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Speaker 2: So the first one that we have here, when it

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Speaker 2: comes to the reasons it may not be your thing,

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Speaker 2: I think cultural and personal differences, right, So the background

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Speaker 2: family traditions or the lack thereof it can influence someone's

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Speaker 2: connection to the holidays. I remember one of my good

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Speaker 2: friends growing up was Muslim, and so there were just

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Speaker 2: certain things she certain holidays she didn't celebrate. And so

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Speaker 2: I found that her family sometimes will just get creative

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Speaker 2: and how they spend their holiday time off because many

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Speaker 2: of us also have off from work on Thanksgiving and Christmas,

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Speaker 2: and so just because you're off doesn't mean you have

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Speaker 2: to celebrate it, of course, and the way that everyone

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Speaker 2: else is celebrating it so kind of like tweaking it

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Speaker 2: to meet your own needs.

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Speaker 4: So that's one reason.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, And I think that that's an important thing to

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Speaker 3: pay attention to, right is that And I'm gonna avoid

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Speaker 3: I'm going to try to avoid going on getting on

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Speaker 3: my soul box and going on a ramp. But our

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Speaker 3: country is you know, we talk about being separate from

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Speaker 3: church and state and that, but but our country is

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Speaker 3: heavily influenced by Christianity. A lot of our policies, a

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Speaker 3: lot of a lot of our federal holidays are heavily

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Speaker 3: influenced by Christianity. Right, And so you bring up a

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Speaker 3: good point that the holiday season that we tend to

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Speaker 3: speak of, which falls from Thanksgiving to New Years is

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Speaker 3: well one Thanksgiving. Let's not go into why that holiday

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Speaker 3: exist in the first place. But what I have noticed

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Speaker 3: about Thanksgiving is that no matter what your religious background,

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Speaker 3: and whether you whether your family recently immigrated to the

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Speaker 3: US or not. And I say recent, I mean like

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Speaker 3: within the last generation or so, everyone tends to celebrate

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Speaker 3: Thanksgiving Day in some way, shape or form, right, And

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Speaker 3: so there's we have that piece. Then we come to Christmas,

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Speaker 3: and Christmas is definitely a Christian holiday, and a lot

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Speaker 3: of companies are closed Christmas Eve Christmas Day, and so

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Speaker 3: then yes, like I think about you said, like your

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Speaker 3: Muslim friend, Like, okay, so people are forced to take

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Speaker 3: that day off of work, even if from a religious

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Speaker 3: perspective they don't celebrate rate that holiday. What about, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: what do you do if you don't celebrate that holiday?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 3: And then we have New Year's even New Year's Day,

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Speaker 3: which everybody celebrates no matter what your nationality is, Like

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Speaker 3: it's strictly based on the calendar, right, so we all

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Speaker 3: we all acknowledge and celebrate New Year's And I think

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Speaker 3: about that that extended time period, particularly here in the US, right,

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Speaker 3: so from late November to the first of January, not

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Speaker 3: like we are inundated with quote unquote be in the

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Speaker 3: holiday spirit. But again, that might not be your thing. Thanksgiving,

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Speaker 3: even though again, like I said, it's not a religious holiday,

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Speaker 3: we know why Thanksgiving became a thing, and particularly if

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Speaker 3: you are if your family is indigenous to America, that

390
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Speaker 3: might not be something you want to necessarily celebrate. Or

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Speaker 3: it may be in terms of like your personal differences,

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Speaker 3: it may be that previously one, a couple, or all

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Speaker 3: of those holidays may have held personal significance tied to

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Speaker 3: your relationship with someone else, someone else meaning another family

395
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Speaker 3: member or romantic partner, whoever, and now that person is

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Speaker 3: no longer with you, whether literally or they are no

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Speaker 3: longer on this earth, and so you choose not to celebrate.

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Speaker 3: Or it may be that your overall belief system says,

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Speaker 3: based on what I know about the origins of each

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Speaker 3: of these holidays, I ain't fucking with it.

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Speaker 2: H Yeah, I think that so what we have cultural

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Speaker 2: and personal differences.

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Speaker 4: And then mental health.

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Speaker 2: I think we kind of touched on that briefly before,

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Speaker 2: but I do recall the holiday season being really stressful

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Speaker 2: for some of the adults.

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Speaker 4: In my life. When I was younger. When I think

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Speaker 4: about buying gifts and.

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Speaker 2: Just other things like paying bills, other things that I

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Speaker 2: kind of observed when I got older, that was something

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Speaker 2: that I noticed. So it can bring up stress, loneliness, trauma,

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Speaker 2: especially when gatherings bring together family dynamics that might be complex.

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Speaker 2: Because when I was thinking about the memories for my

414
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,480
Speaker 2: childhood around holiday season was I was like, oh, yeah,

415
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:44,880
Speaker 2: we used to have the tree, we would do all

416
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Speaker 2: these things, and I was like, wait, But then it's

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Speaker 2: bittersweet because there were some good things, but there was

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Speaker 2: also a lot of toxicity and some negativity and trauma

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Speaker 2: that I'm happy to not be around anymore.

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Speaker 4: So I think it can be a complex time.

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Speaker 2: And I think that previously people not really having conversations

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Speaker 2: like this when we were younger. I think that if

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Speaker 2: you were not in the holiday season, you just got

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Speaker 2: labeled as a grench.

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Speaker 4: You know, you were saying, oh, you're a grinch.

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Speaker 2: But it's not There are levels to it, So Lady,

427
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,600
Speaker 2: we just kind of want to hold space for all

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Speaker 2: of that as we transition into the tips for navigating

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Speaker 2: the holiday pressures. Did we miss anything around this or

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Speaker 2: should we be ready to dive on.

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Speaker 3: In well, I think I do want to highlight the

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Speaker 3: the level of or the need to take care of

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Speaker 3: yourself during these times because of maybe mental health concerns, right,

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Speaker 3: So I want I do want to acknowledge that outside

435
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:42,119
Speaker 3: of having to maybe avoid going home to not have

436
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:49,639
Speaker 3: to navigate particular family dynamics or traumas, you may be

437
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:54,679
Speaker 3: feeling incredibly anxious for whatever reason not necessarily tied to

438
00:25:54,720 --> 00:26:00,080
Speaker 3: your family, right. You might be going through a depress

439
00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:05,920
Speaker 3: You may have other mental health concerns that you are

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Speaker 3: experiencing that again aren't connected to your family. I think

441
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:18,600
Speaker 3: about in some families where it's a time when you

442
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,520
Speaker 3: gather with your when everyone gathers, and I say some families,

443
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,800
Speaker 3: I'm also thinking specifically about my own family, that there's

444
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 3: alcohol involved, right, And let's say that you are now

445
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:40,080
Speaker 3: recovering from significant substance use. That is something very important

446
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:45,119
Speaker 3: that you have to navigate and how do you navigate

447
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:49,440
Speaker 3: that when it comes to spending time with your family.

448
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,120
Speaker 3: And so I think that there are those are things

449
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:57,600
Speaker 3: like your general mental health could be a huge reason

450
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 3: why you are using to not be around your family

451
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:09,919
Speaker 3: during the holiday season, and that's something very important to

452
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 3: take into consideration.

453
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,240
Speaker 2: So glad we brought that up, Don and lady, as

454
00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 2: we dig into the tips for navigating holiday pressures. Wherever

455
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 2: you stand on this topic, I think it's important for

456
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,399
Speaker 2: us to just be aware that everyone is dealing with

457
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,440
Speaker 2: something that we don't know about. Right, So, whether someone

458
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,439
Speaker 2: is experiencing joy during the season, or maybe you're that

459
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,679
Speaker 2: person's experiencing joy, now you have a bit more insight

460
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 2: onto why someone may not be in the best of spirit.

461
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,160
Speaker 2: So we're just trying to hold space and be empathetic

462
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,680
Speaker 2: and compassionate to others. And then we're going to dig

463
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 2: right into these tips for navigating holiday pressures. So number

464
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:46,320
Speaker 2: one is to set clear boundaries, right, This is so important, right,

465
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,120
Speaker 2: establishing boundaries around the holiday season. It can be crucial

466
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:53,840
Speaker 2: for as now stating earlier, your mental health, avoiding burnout.

467
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,160
Speaker 2: Boundaries also allow us to prioritize our own well being

468
00:27:57,240 --> 00:28:00,560
Speaker 2: and prevent us from over committing to social obligatesations that

469
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 2: don't align with our personal needs. Speaking about the example

470
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,800
Speaker 2: you just shared, but this also includes personal boundaries like

471
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,359
Speaker 2: maybe you take a fast from social media because it

472
00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:12,359
Speaker 2: can be a bit triggering if you're seeing people posted

473
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:15,480
Speaker 2: in their holiday pj's, and you've seen all the gifts

474
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,600
Speaker 2: somebody don't got a birthday for Christmas. You might be

475
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 2: in that sort of comparison game, and it might be

476
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,160
Speaker 2: best to set a boundary with yourself on not indulging

477
00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:26,359
Speaker 2: in social media as much, but also setting boundaries with

478
00:28:26,359 --> 00:28:28,440
Speaker 2: those around you as well.

479
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 3: Yes, I think that that's important, and so I think

480
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:37,160
Speaker 3: in the boundaries, the boundaries can vary depending on what

481
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,920
Speaker 3: your needs are. So whether you are the person, like

482
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,240
Speaker 3: you said, who's needing to not be around anyone, or

483
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,320
Speaker 3: if you know that you are going to be around

484
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 3: your family and there are certain things that you do

485
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:57,040
Speaker 3: not tolerate in your household, then that needs to be

486
00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 3: communicated with the family or with whoever you're spending time

487
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 3: with during this holiday season. And I do want to

488
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 3: also emphasize that when it comes to setting boundaries, it

489
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 3: is up to you to enforce those boundaries and to

490
00:29:17,560 --> 00:29:24,480
Speaker 3: occasionally remind people of those boundaries. So, if you are

491
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:29,760
Speaker 3: hosting the holiday meal at your house and you know

492
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:34,000
Speaker 3: that we have a prompt start time at four pm,

493
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:41,080
Speaker 3: and because we are sleep training this new baby, we

494
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 3: have a prompt end time at seven pm, it is

495
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 3: up to you to enforce those boundaries and remind people

496
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 3: of what those boundaries are.

497
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:57,520
Speaker 2: That is so important, don because I feel like there

498
00:29:57,560 --> 00:29:59,560
Speaker 2: was a stage in life I will create the boundaries.

499
00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 2: But then and I forgot about step two, which was

500
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,239
Speaker 2: actually enforcing the boundaries. And I want to touch on

501
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 2: two boundary setting like scripts really quick before we die.

502
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:10,239
Speaker 2: It's number two because two of the things that used

503
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:11,959
Speaker 2: to stress me out the most, I would say, are

504
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,000
Speaker 2: boundaries around gift giving. So you know how you might

505
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 2: have a friend of grind it's like, oh, we want

506
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 2: to do seacersana, or you have other people who are

507
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,040
Speaker 2: expecting gifts. And then the other thing for me was

508
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 2: like time commitments because I would often drive home from school,

509
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:27,280
Speaker 2: you know, from university and go see people. And you

510
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:29,360
Speaker 2: know when you come home, y'all, you got to make

511
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,720
Speaker 2: all your rounds to see all the people. So let's

512
00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 2: talk about a couple things. So the pressure around gift giving, right,

513
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:36,480
Speaker 2: it can be exhausting. So a couple of things you

514
00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 2: can say or something you can say the people when

515
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 2: they're like, oh girl, let's do this gift thing, you

516
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 2: can say this year, I'm focusing on experiences over material gifts,

517
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 2: so I'm skipping the holiday gift exchange. We can plan

518
00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:52,480
Speaker 2: for something in the future, simple suitet. You can send it,

519
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,400
Speaker 2: be a text, or you can have the conversation to person.

520
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 2: That's a great way to set that boundary. Make it clear.

521
00:30:57,920 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 2: Let them know you're going to be saving your coins

522
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 2: and you're not doing to get exchanged.

523
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:03,240
Speaker 4: Yes, okay.

524
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 2: And for number two, around the time commitment, you can

525
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:08,440
Speaker 2: say something like, I've realized that i need to focus

526
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 2: on recharging this holiday season. So I'm only going to

527
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,720
Speaker 2: commit a couple of hours at or a couple of minutes, okay,

528
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:16,920
Speaker 2: in my big a couple of minutes at this gathering

529
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:17,400
Speaker 2: this year.

530
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 4: That's it.

531
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:22,520
Speaker 3: I love that. I love that, and so and what that.

532
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 3: That made me think about our number two tip for

533
00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:33,160
Speaker 3: navigating the holiday pressure, and it's about finding alternative rituals

534
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 3: and traditions. And so when you talked about the gift giving,

535
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,000
Speaker 3: it made me think about something that we had to

536
00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:45,760
Speaker 3: do in my family. So I come from a pretty

537
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:51,160
Speaker 3: large family, like my mom is one of five and

538
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 3: I am the eldest of I don't even know how

539
00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 3: many grand children anymore. I was trying to do the

540
00:31:58,720 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 3: math real quick. I think it's fifteen. I don't know. Family, y'all,

541
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,880
Speaker 3: let me know what the number is. I don't remember.

542
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,240
Speaker 3: But I'm the eldest of all of them. And now

543
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:16,760
Speaker 3: and now we have so we have my grandmother who's

544
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:24,240
Speaker 3: still alive, her children, my generation, and then we're my

545
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 3: generation is having kids has kids. It has quite a few, right,

546
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 3: And so I remember at some point, like growing up,

547
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:38,040
Speaker 3: when we were little, when our generation was little, it

548
00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 3: was all of us got gifts. Everybody got gifts. So

549
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 3: all the grandkids are at my grandparents' house and we're

550
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 3: all getting gifts, right. Well, eventually it got to a

551
00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:55,640
Speaker 3: point where, wait, we got how many grandkids? And now

552
00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 3: we got how many great grands coming through? And we

553
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 3: still got the other It became a lot, and so

554
00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 3: we had to create new rituals and traditions. And so

555
00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 3: at one point it became a thing that it was

556
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 3: once you turned eighteen, you stopped getting gifts unless you

557
00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:18,080
Speaker 3: were still in school.

558
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:20,120
Speaker 4: Oh, I like that one.

559
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 3: And so then that made it easier for my grandparents

560
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:31,720
Speaker 3: to on their pockets. Because my grandparents aren't rich and

561
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,800
Speaker 3: so and even if they were, their money, how they

562
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:37,479
Speaker 3: spend their money is how they spend their money. Like

563
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 3: it made it easier for people to figure out how

564
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:46,600
Speaker 3: to go about gift giving, right, and so that became

565
00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:50,720
Speaker 3: part of like a different ritual or tradition in the

566
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 3: family around Christmas.

567
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:55,320
Speaker 6: Right.

568
00:33:56,520 --> 00:34:00,120
Speaker 4: That is so smart, dom I love that And to

569
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:01,080
Speaker 4: what my church used to do.

570
00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:02,480
Speaker 2: They used to do the same thing where they would

571
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:04,880
Speaker 2: have like make sure all the kids got gifts, but

572
00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:06,440
Speaker 2: also helping out families in the heat.

573
00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:07,880
Speaker 4: And I was one of those families, so we got

574
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:08,720
Speaker 4: extra stuff there.

575
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,000
Speaker 2: I want to add on to this one and just

576
00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:14,240
Speaker 2: say that, so because I'm not close to my family,

577
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:16,480
Speaker 2: I have like a handful of family members that I

578
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,319
Speaker 2: am close to outside of my siblings. One of the

579
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 2: things that my siblings and I try to do is

580
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 2: like we share old videos of my grandparents and other

581
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:27,680
Speaker 2: family members that are in the archive. I'm the one,

582
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:29,520
Speaker 2: I'm like the holder of all most of like the

583
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,520
Speaker 2: pictures and videos. I'll send them and text them, like

584
00:34:31,560 --> 00:34:34,319
Speaker 2: the videos of my grandmother or just funny moments. So

585
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 2: I think that's a good way for us to kind

586
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 2: of include the spirit of our ancestors in our experience

587
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:42,640
Speaker 2: of the holiday season. Another thing is just like adopting

588
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:46,080
Speaker 2: chosen family members. So I have a lot of close friends. Yeah,

589
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,799
Speaker 2: I got a lot of close friends these days where

590
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:51,479
Speaker 2: they're like my family, and so we were like, because

591
00:34:51,480 --> 00:34:53,080
Speaker 2: I'm not close to our family, they are the people

592
00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:56,800
Speaker 2: that I commune with. We have aligned you know, goals

593
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,160
Speaker 2: and mindsets and perspectives, and so it feels safe to

594
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,719
Speaker 2: be with those people. And the last thing I'll say

595
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 2: is I am working on currently doing more community building

596
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:10,200
Speaker 2: and finding people in my area that have similar mindsets

597
00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:12,880
Speaker 2: so we can commune together. Because again I think that

598
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,560
Speaker 2: if you don't have a family of people that you

599
00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 2: have support, love and all that good stuff from, you

600
00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,239
Speaker 2: can cultivate that within your community. So I'm looking at

601
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,799
Speaker 2: like hosting community events and activities and stuff with like

602
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,680
Speaker 2: minded people so that I can still get that communal

603
00:35:27,719 --> 00:35:28,799
Speaker 2: feel because I miss it.

604
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:29,920
Speaker 4: I missed the community.

605
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, that's so important, and I think that's the

606
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,800
Speaker 3: thing I think that easily takes us into the third

607
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:42,360
Speaker 3: tip for navigating the holidays is focusing on what matters

608
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:47,840
Speaker 3: to you, right, and so think about around this during

609
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:53,120
Speaker 3: this time period, during this season, what is truly important

610
00:35:53,160 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 3: to you, and that's where you put your time and energy. Right. So,

611
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:08,480
Speaker 3: if spending time with family is important to you, and

612
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,200
Speaker 3: I'm going to go back to the word of like

613
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 3: chosen family, right, so it doesn't have to be your

614
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:17,759
Speaker 3: biological family or the people that you grew up with.

615
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 3: If spending time with the people you've identified as family

616
00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:26,239
Speaker 3: is important to you, then that's what you spend your

617
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:33,080
Speaker 3: time doing. If spending time giving back to others is

618
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:39,280
Speaker 3: important to you, then that's what you do. If every

619
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 3: year you create a different new tradition, and that's the tradition,

620
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:48,160
Speaker 3: right that every year you do something new and different,

621
00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:54,719
Speaker 3: then that's what that's what you prioritize. It truly is

622
00:36:54,840 --> 00:37:00,840
Speaker 3: about figuring out what brings you joy, right, And so

623
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:04,319
Speaker 3: I think about for me also, like, even though I

624
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:08,000
Speaker 3: have a high priority on spending time with friends and

625
00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:14,680
Speaker 3: family during the holiday season, I also enjoy my alone

626
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,520
Speaker 3: time listen because people and can be a lot, y'all

627
00:37:20,160 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 3: For this extroverted introvert, people and can be a lot.

628
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:31,600
Speaker 3: And so I enjoy making sure that at some point

629
00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:37,400
Speaker 3: during the holiday season, I watch my favorite movies by myself,

630
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,880
Speaker 3: that I listen to all my favorite holiday music by myself,

631
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:49,719
Speaker 3: that I do the things that matter to me by

632
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:56,560
Speaker 3: myself in addition to the things that matter around being

633
00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:57,600
Speaker 3: with others.

634
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:00,440
Speaker 4: I second that, dom Amen.

635
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:02,319
Speaker 2: As you were saying that, girl, it made me think

636
00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:04,960
Speaker 2: about traveling for the holiday. You know, some people they

637
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:07,720
Speaker 2: go on vacation, like you go on a real vacation.

638
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,040
Speaker 2: I want to be on a reaction. Oh yeah, I

639
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:11,239
Speaker 2: want to be on the way. That's what we need

640
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:14,239
Speaker 2: to do a bitch. Okay, the holiday season, I'm also

641
00:38:14,239 --> 00:38:17,080
Speaker 2: thinking about relaxation. That might be your priority or one

642
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:19,800
Speaker 2: of my favorites. In addition to relaxation to rest and

643
00:38:19,880 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 2: me time and family time is to work on personal projects.

644
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:26,320
Speaker 2: I love the winter season to like get some stuff

645
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:28,200
Speaker 2: geared up for the new year. But you can also

646
00:38:28,239 --> 00:38:30,719
Speaker 2: set a goal to escape the commercialization. So if you

647
00:38:30,760 --> 00:38:33,680
Speaker 2: want to go on a hike, make personal gifts, and

648
00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:36,120
Speaker 2: like do something else that means that's meaningful to you.

649
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:38,520
Speaker 4: That would be could be really helpful.

650
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,880
Speaker 2: And I think that takes us number four, which is

651
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:46,960
Speaker 2: cultivate moments of peace, so amid all the hustle and bustle,

652
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:50,839
Speaker 2: finding those moments of peace can keep us grounded. Right.

653
00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:54,560
Speaker 2: The holiday environment can be hectic. Remember those Black Friday days, y'all,

654
00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:56,080
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.

655
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:56,440
Speaker 4: I just have fun.

656
00:38:56,520 --> 00:39:00,840
Speaker 3: Remember those waiting outside Okay, and remember it.

657
00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:03,200
Speaker 2: Really girl, I remember being in what was it best

658
00:39:03,239 --> 00:39:04,520
Speaker 2: Buy trying to get these TVs.

659
00:39:04,560 --> 00:39:07,279
Speaker 4: I have not done that yet years. I don't miss that.

660
00:39:07,600 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 2: I will go on to that website that we all

661
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,319
Speaker 2: shop on way too damn much.

662
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:13,640
Speaker 3: Now, I will do that the owner.

663
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:14,239
Speaker 4: I will do that.

664
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:20,120
Speaker 2: You already that. Yeah, it's way better than being out

665
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:24,000
Speaker 2: in the hustle bustle. Use incorporate those moments of calm

666
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:27,240
Speaker 2: so it can help to manage stress and recenter us.

667
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,919
Speaker 2: And you know, we already have some strategies for peace,

668
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:34,280
Speaker 2: right meditation, journaling, don't skip out on your therapy sessions

669
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,279
Speaker 2: if your therapist is still more duty, Okay, get your

670
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:41,680
Speaker 2: therapy sessions. Spend time in nature, breathing exercises. We just

671
00:39:41,719 --> 00:39:44,840
Speaker 2: released the episode on breathwork with Jazz and Marie, so

672
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,040
Speaker 2: you can check that out as well.

673
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,920
Speaker 4: So lots of things you can do to cultivate peace.

674
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:56,439
Speaker 3: Yes, and would I would also encourage that you take

675
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,840
Speaker 3: those little moments. So whether you are spending the holidays

676
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:06,840
Speaker 3: by yourself or you are around other people, but particularly

677
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:11,279
Speaker 3: when you're traveling and you're around extended family, that you

678
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,800
Speaker 3: take those moments for yourself, that you take a moment

679
00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:17,080
Speaker 3: to maybe go on a walk by yourself to get

680
00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:20,719
Speaker 3: some calm, right, that you take a moment to meditate,

681
00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:24,440
Speaker 3: and so whether that is first thing in the morning,

682
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:28,520
Speaker 3: before you leave your room and you're now and then

683
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,839
Speaker 3: you're know that you're going to be in go mode

684
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:34,480
Speaker 3: because you're going to be with the family, take a

685
00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 3: few moments to cultivate some peace within before you dive

686
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:43,720
Speaker 3: into all the things.

687
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 4: A to the men.

688
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 2: And that takes this to number five, which is communicate

689
00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:52,400
Speaker 2: gently and firmly with loved ones. As I was reading this,

690
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:54,640
Speaker 2: it kind of brought me back to y'all, I know

691
00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:58,879
Speaker 2: how you have them crazy family members, that uncle, that auntie,

692
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,799
Speaker 2: you know the members where you're just like bruh.

693
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:02,680
Speaker 4: They just need to stay home.

694
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:05,359
Speaker 2: It brings me back to those moments of like uncomfortable

695
00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:07,719
Speaker 2: and tricky moments where I wanted to speak up but

696
00:41:07,960 --> 00:41:11,719
Speaker 2: didn't feel empowered. So, lady, we understand the communicating boundaries

697
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 2: and feelings with family. It can be, it can be tricky.

698
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:18,200
Speaker 2: It's essential, right, we got it, Like don't talked about earlier.

699
00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:20,560
Speaker 2: We need to do it. But striking the right tone

700
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:24,960
Speaker 2: can keep the peace right hopefully and ensure that we're

701
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,000
Speaker 2: being respectful while also advocating for our own needs. Because

702
00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:31,120
Speaker 2: let's just be real, y'all, let's have a real moment. Okay,

703
00:41:31,200 --> 00:41:34,400
Speaker 2: y'all come in close for this one. We all know

704
00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:37,200
Speaker 2: right that we we know how important boundaries are and

705
00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 2: all that, but communicating with older black folks sometimes it

706
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:44,000
Speaker 2: could be a little different. Okay, they have a different perspective,

707
00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:48,759
Speaker 2: they're in a different generation, and sometimes they just might

708
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,680
Speaker 2: be it might be challenging. So let's talk about some

709
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:57,359
Speaker 2: communication best practices, right, So be direct behind Okay, it's

710
00:41:57,400 --> 00:42:00,680
Speaker 2: okay to be clear about your needs while also being empathetics.

711
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:03,880
Speaker 2: An example that you might, you know, share with them.

712
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:05,680
Speaker 2: I'm going to just give this to you here. It

713
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:07,680
Speaker 2: might be I know the howidays are important to you,

714
00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:09,880
Speaker 2: but I'm feeling really burnt out this year and i

715
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:10,839
Speaker 2: need to take a step back.

716
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 4: I hope you understand.

717
00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:15,359
Speaker 3: I love that one, and I'll give you a real

718
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:20,799
Speaker 3: life example that I'm us so at the time that

719
00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:23,920
Speaker 3: we are recording this episode. It is because by the

720
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:28,040
Speaker 3: time this episode airs, it will be pre Thanksgiving and

721
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,440
Speaker 3: we are in the process my family. We're in the

722
00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:38,280
Speaker 3: process of planning Thanksgiving dinner, and I have been tasked

723
00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:43,840
Speaker 3: with helping create the Thanksgiving menu and communicate with the

724
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:50,680
Speaker 3: family about Thanksgiving right, And so I've had to gently

725
00:42:51,960 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 3: and firmly say, we have sent out the Google form,

726
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:01,760
Speaker 3: you have not filled it out yet. Can you please

727
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:07,960
Speaker 3: complete it so that we can move forward with setting

728
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:16,280
Speaker 3: up the menu? Are reminding people the Google form asked

729
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:20,880
Speaker 3: for this, Can you go back and re.

730
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:26,680
Speaker 4: Enter A, B and C mm hmmm. I love that.

731
00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 2: First of all, I love the y'all using Google forms,

732
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:31,759
Speaker 2: what like, oh my gosh, the tech age that we're in.

733
00:43:31,960 --> 00:43:32,879
Speaker 4: I love that so much.

734
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I know, I know, be organized.

735
00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:38,040
Speaker 2: Yes, back in the day when we used to do this,

736
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,680
Speaker 2: I fugged it would have been so much easier. But

737
00:43:39,719 --> 00:43:42,480
Speaker 2: I love the how that kind of goes back into

738
00:43:42,480 --> 00:43:46,080
Speaker 2: the being direct but being kind. And then something else

739
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:48,759
Speaker 2: you can do when communicating is offer alternatives, because I

740
00:43:48,760 --> 00:43:51,680
Speaker 2: know for me sometimes saying no outright it can just

741
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:53,800
Speaker 2: feel a littley. Some people don't have a problem with it,

742
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 2: and that's good for y'all, Okay, but some of us,

743
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,320
Speaker 2: we might know a little bit more support. So I

744
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:02,000
Speaker 2: think offering alternatives. And so instead of no, I can't

745
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:04,560
Speaker 2: attend the Christmas dinner, it might be like, you know what,

746
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:06,959
Speaker 2: I can't attend the Christmas dinner this year, but I'd

747
00:44:06,960 --> 00:44:10,320
Speaker 2: love to catch up with you for coffee or juice

748
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:12,080
Speaker 2: or a walk next week or something like.

749
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 3: That exact or and and because I like that if

750
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:19,919
Speaker 3: you're the person who's receiving it, right, but if you're

751
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 3: the person who's giving the instructions or asking for something.

752
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 3: Going back to my example with my family, yes, because

753
00:44:27,520 --> 00:44:32,160
Speaker 3: like you mentioned technology, and not everybody is tech savvy,

754
00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:39,319
Speaker 3: then it may be that I might say, if you're

755
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:43,759
Speaker 3: having trouble filling out the form, let me know and

756
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:48,640
Speaker 3: I can help, right, And so then what that does

757
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:52,279
Speaker 3: is that offers an alternative. It's we know we are

758
00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:54,640
Speaker 3: as a family to keep us organized. We are using

759
00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 3: this Google form, but not everybody's gonna be able to

760
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:00,840
Speaker 3: fill it out. So maybe can we reach out to

761
00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 3: those people who may have some difficulty and we help

762
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:06,239
Speaker 3: them fill it out?

763
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:08,239
Speaker 4: Mm hmm, I love that.

764
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:11,400
Speaker 2: So you're offering them alternatives as well, like, Okay, we

765
00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:13,839
Speaker 2: got to get this menu, y'all, so we could do this,

766
00:45:14,239 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 2: We could do this, right Because.

767
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:17,960
Speaker 3: I was asking for it, and I know that it

768
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:22,919
Speaker 3: may be difficult. So here's how I'm going to give

769
00:45:22,960 --> 00:45:24,040
Speaker 3: you an alternative.

770
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:25,920
Speaker 4: I like that framing too.

771
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:28,520
Speaker 2: Down from those two perspectives, the person receiving and then

772
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:32,920
Speaker 2: the person who is actually like giving the instruction. The

773
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:35,960
Speaker 2: next thing you can do, lady, is to use eye statements.

774
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:38,480
Speaker 2: So focus on expressing your feelings instead of making the

775
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:40,799
Speaker 2: other person feel guilty. So you could say, like, I

776
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:44,439
Speaker 2: feel overwhelmed with so many events going on. You could

777
00:45:44,440 --> 00:45:46,359
Speaker 2: also add in because this is me, like Don said,

778
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:49,680
Speaker 2: I'm an extroverted introvert. Okay, I get my energy by

779
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:52,440
Speaker 2: being alone. So I need time to just focus on

780
00:45:52,560 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 2: and manage you, myself and my things for the year,

781
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:57,880
Speaker 2: whatever you might whatever, like PLoP in whatever is suitable

782
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:01,239
Speaker 2: for you and whatever resonates with you. That so I statements,

783
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 2: And then you have to stay firm in our decisions.

784
00:46:04,120 --> 00:46:06,640
Speaker 2: You talked about setting boundaries earlier down I think staying

785
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:08,920
Speaker 2: firm and our decisions when we put up a boundary,

786
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:12,239
Speaker 2: sticking with it right. And I also found that in

787
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,160
Speaker 2: my experience, maybe not with the older black people in

788
00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:18,280
Speaker 2: our family, but with other people. I found myself using

789
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:20,839
Speaker 2: like if someone is trying to manipulate, I will call

790
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:22,480
Speaker 2: it out as manipulation to let them know, like, I

791
00:46:22,480 --> 00:46:25,000
Speaker 2: see what you're trying to do here, and I said no, yeah,

792
00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:27,520
Speaker 2: so bring firm you know, I'm thinking about cousins and

793
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,239
Speaker 2: stuff like that, where you're like, I said what I said,

794
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,200
Speaker 2: so and.

795
00:46:31,680 --> 00:46:33,840
Speaker 3: Listen, I you know, I also want to emphasize, like

796
00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:37,880
Speaker 3: I think back to a few years ago, when you know,

797
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:44,680
Speaker 3: the Internet black Internet stays undefeated, and there was the

798
00:46:44,719 --> 00:46:54,400
Speaker 3: Thanksgiving dinner clapbacks, right and on. Yes, And as hilarious

799
00:46:54,840 --> 00:46:59,799
Speaker 3: as those were, I will acknowledge that the majority of

800
00:46:59,840 --> 00:47:08,320
Speaker 3: them were not the healthiest way to communicate. Right, Yes,

801
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:14,040
Speaker 3: did I laugh at the majority of them? Sure did?

802
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:19,399
Speaker 3: And I am aware though that that will not lead

803
00:47:19,480 --> 00:47:27,040
Speaker 3: to long lasting those responses will not lead to long lasting,

804
00:47:28,520 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 3: changing communication within your family. So it may have worked

805
00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:35,120
Speaker 3: in the moment and may have been completely hilarious and

806
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 3: disarmed the entire table, But and I'm sure for the

807
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,440
Speaker 3: rest of that day, no one else came for you

808
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 3: because they didn't want none of you else. They didn't

809
00:47:43,640 --> 00:47:45,880
Speaker 3: want none of that smoke. They didn't want none of it, No,

810
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:52,520
Speaker 3: none of it. But moving forward, if you want healthy

811
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:56,600
Speaker 3: dialogue with your family. It's about using the tips that

812
00:47:56,600 --> 00:48:00,879
Speaker 3: we just provided on how to communicate gently and with

813
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:01,760
Speaker 3: your loved ones.

814
00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 4: That's right, lady.

815
00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:06,160
Speaker 2: So we're going to do a quick recap, and I

816
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,920
Speaker 2: do want to We didn't talk about gratitude today really,

817
00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:10,440
Speaker 2: but I want to let's like infuse some of that

818
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:11,800
Speaker 2: gratitude into the conversation.

819
00:48:11,920 --> 00:48:13,120
Speaker 4: So gratitude as far.

820
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,799
Speaker 2: As just taking this season to be grateful for all

821
00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:18,040
Speaker 2: the things that we do have, kind of like putting

822
00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:20,600
Speaker 2: aside the things that we desire and other things that

823
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:23,160
Speaker 2: may not be the most positive and just really strictly

824
00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:26,840
Speaker 2: focusing on gratitude. I think that can just be really uplifting.

825
00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:29,480
Speaker 2: And then also expressing gratitude to our family when they

826
00:48:29,480 --> 00:48:35,040
Speaker 2: do respect those boundaries to kind of yes, reinforce the

827
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:38,440
Speaker 2: good behavior, right, Yes, So let's do a quick recap

828
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:39,960
Speaker 2: and then Domino are going to head over to the

829
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:41,680
Speaker 2: after show. So if you want to join the after

830
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:44,640
Speaker 2: show and see us on video and also join the conversation.

831
00:48:44,719 --> 00:48:46,040
Speaker 2: We're going to talk about what we're doing for the

832
00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:48,920
Speaker 2: holiday season and offer some tips, you can head on

833
00:48:48,960 --> 00:48:51,759
Speaker 2: over to her Space podcast dot com click anywhere you

834
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:55,800
Speaker 2: see Patreon and join our Patreon. Lady, so these five

835
00:48:55,920 --> 00:49:00,799
Speaker 2: tips for navigating holiday pressures. One is set clear boundaries.

836
00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:06,920
Speaker 2: Number two find alternative visuals or traditions. Number three, focus

837
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:12,600
Speaker 2: on what matters to you. Number four, cultivate moments of peace,

838
00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:19,120
Speaker 2: and finally, number five, communicate gently and firmly with loved ones.

839
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:23,600
Speaker 3: Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her

840
00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:27,640
Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

841
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so,

842
00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:38,160
Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

843
00:49:38,640 --> 00:49:43,520
Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q

844
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:49,160
Speaker 3: U E B R O U ss ar D dot

845
00:49:49,200 --> 00:49:54,160
Speaker 3: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

846
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:59,160
Speaker 3: forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining us today.

847
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:05,200
Speaker 3: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

848
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:10,040
Speaker 3: self empowerment, and mental health, but is by no means

849
00:50:10,280 --> 00:50:13,960
Speaker 3: meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship

850
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:17,960
Speaker 3: with a trained mental health provider. If you are someone

851
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:21,440
Speaker 3: you know is in need of mental health care, please

852
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:26,680
Speaker 3: visit a Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or

853
00:50:26,719 --> 00:50:28,400
Speaker 3: contact your insurance provider.

854
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:30,400
Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

855
00:50:30,440 --> 00:50:34,120
Speaker 2: the conversation going, visit our website at herspace podcast dot

856
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:36,680
Speaker 2: com and be sure to click the Patreon link to

857
00:50:36,719 --> 00:50:40,439
Speaker 2: get access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after

858
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:45,080
Speaker 2: show and before we meet again, repeat after me. I

859
00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:50,920
Speaker 2: am a magnet for positivity, attracting joy, love and success

860
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:52,120
Speaker 2: effortlessly

861
00:51:00,280 --> 00:51:01,120
Speaker 1: At