1 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,720 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,039 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,119 --> 00:00:14,000 Speaker 1: changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean 4 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: for our psychology. It has been a while. I took 5 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 1: some time off to do my final week DAMS, and 6 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,560 Speaker 1: I have officially finished my degree, which is super exciting 7 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:31,240 Speaker 1: a little bit nerve racking as well. I think next 8 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:34,360 Speaker 1: week I really want to do an episode on like 9 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:37,600 Speaker 1: the psychology of life transitions, because I think it would 10 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: be quite interesting to kind of discuss, especially as I 11 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: prepare to move cities, say goodbye to camera stop, my 12 00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:48,440 Speaker 1: new job, all of those things. Yeah, it feels like 13 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:52,440 Speaker 1: adulthood is really beginning, and it's a period it's pretty 14 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:57,560 Speaker 1: full of like nostalgia for like my first year self excitement, nerves. 15 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 1: But that's next week. For this week's episode, I'm pulling 16 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,679 Speaker 1: something from the archives. We're going to talk about the 17 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:08,319 Speaker 1: psychology of attraction. So I did a lot of research 18 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,240 Speaker 1: into this a few weeks ago, but never got around 19 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:14,279 Speaker 1: to recording it because I was obviously stressed. But today 20 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: is the day. I've just been really fascinated by what 21 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,000 Speaker 1: creates attraction as a single person, and why we like 22 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:25,560 Speaker 1: certain people and don't like others, especially in our twenties 23 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 1: when it seems, you know, everyone is having these flings 24 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 1: and these attraction than these crushes to people, and we 25 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:33,920 Speaker 1: go out to clubs and you know, we meet people 26 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:36,520 Speaker 1: and we have this spark. So what kind of creates 27 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:41,680 Speaker 1: this so called spark From a psychological perspective, We're going 28 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 1: to explore the answer to that. But I wanted to 29 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,480 Speaker 1: take more of a social psychology approach rather than biological 30 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,880 Speaker 1: as we traditionally hear about. You know, obviously we can't 31 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,880 Speaker 1: really talk about attraction without talking about the neural and 32 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,160 Speaker 1: hormonal origins. But I want to discuss more so how 33 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:03,880 Speaker 1: attraction for in a social environment, for romantic partners obviously, 34 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,600 Speaker 1: but also friendships as well, while we attracted to certain 35 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,560 Speaker 1: people and not others. Okay, So there is this theory 36 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:15,880 Speaker 1: often flaunted by the skeptics of love that attraction is 37 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: merely chemical, love is merely chemical romance, all of those things. 38 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 1: It's quite like a biological reductionist approach that we can 39 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 1: explain everything based on what neurotransmitters of release, what hormones 40 00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: are released in those kind of things, and attraction occurs 41 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 1: because of hormones mostly related to procreation and sex, that 42 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,920 Speaker 1: are released when we see someone who arouses us or 43 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 1: meets our preferences or our love map, which is something 44 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:44,840 Speaker 1: I'm going to discuss a bit later, and it's attracted 45 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,120 Speaker 1: like that instantaneous attraction. It's often associated with high levels 46 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:52,239 Speaker 1: of serotonin and estrogen for women and testosterone for men, 47 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 1: and we find people initially attractive because of what is 48 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: unlocked in our brains and bodies. Also, when I was 49 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,880 Speaker 1: researching this, for the women who are listening or for 50 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,720 Speaker 1: those who identify as female or who have periods, it's 51 00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:12,760 Speaker 1: really interesting because you're more likely to find people attractive 52 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:17,839 Speaker 1: during certain periods of like your menstrual cycle. So right 53 00:03:17,919 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 1: after you like finish your period, before you begin to opulate, 54 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:25,200 Speaker 1: before you're like most fertile, I guess that's the period 55 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: where you're most likely to experience like attraction, which is 56 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,480 Speaker 1: really interesting, and that drops off after you've ovulated towards 57 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: like when your period's about to start. So attraction can 58 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 1: be caused by things like physical appearance obviously, but also 59 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,800 Speaker 1: other factors like smell. So a study that was done 60 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,720 Speaker 1: this year actually well was published this year found that 61 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: women with certain sense are more attractive to men. So 62 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,880 Speaker 1: turns out that we are most appealing when we have 63 00:03:55,960 --> 00:04:00,279 Speaker 1: high estrogen and low progression levels, which is, like I said, 64 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:05,000 Speaker 1: more more ovulating. And this balance of hormones indicates high 65 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:09,280 Speaker 1: female fertility, which is a huge kind of driver of attraction. 66 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,880 Speaker 1: I feel like when we're thinking about it from a 67 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:15,160 Speaker 1: sex perspective or a mating perspective, And the research is 68 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:19,720 Speaker 1: explained that it makes sense that men find women more 69 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,600 Speaker 1: attractive while they're at this stage because of that instinct 70 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:28,080 Speaker 1: to mate into career offspring. Another one, another factor that 71 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,520 Speaker 1: also has a big kind of role to play an 72 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:36,360 Speaker 1: attraction is a voice. So another study a few years ago, 73 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,360 Speaker 1: so a bit outdated, but it found that women prefer 74 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:44,039 Speaker 1: men with low voices. And there could be something inherently 75 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,560 Speaker 1: biological in this, as deeper voices have been linked to 76 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 1: producing healthier children in the While lower pitch is associated 77 00:04:50,839 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: with being bigger, it might also indicate greater testosterone levels 78 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:00,679 Speaker 1: if your voice is low, which is really interesting, so smell, voice, 79 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,160 Speaker 1: all of these things that we initially get from someone 80 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 1: when we first meet them, and other factors that kind 81 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,560 Speaker 1: of create that rush of serotonin that a company's attraction 82 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: may be certain features like muscles and how tall you are, 83 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,600 Speaker 1: if you have good skin, facial traits, tan skin posture, 84 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:21,640 Speaker 1: all of which can be indicative of someone's fertility obviously, 85 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:26,159 Speaker 1: but also the capacity to protect, to care, and to nurture. 86 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:31,360 Speaker 1: So although like instant attraction might be biologically based, it's 87 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:34,640 Speaker 1: also influenced by a number of social and environmental factors 88 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:39,359 Speaker 1: that more so allow love and other feelings of attraction, 89 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,760 Speaker 1: but more than that to kind of blossom. Okay, but 90 00:05:42,839 --> 00:05:46,839 Speaker 1: now moving on to what leads to attraction and friendship 91 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:52,680 Speaker 1: beyond that initial spark, that initial first glance, love at 92 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,679 Speaker 1: first side thing. So there are four factors that psychologists 93 00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:02,200 Speaker 1: often identify as leading to attraction. So that's proximate, physical attractiveness, 94 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: which we've kind of or discussed, similarity, and liking those 95 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:11,919 Speaker 1: who like us. So proximity is probably the strongest predictor 96 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:16,039 Speaker 1: of attraction. The more we kind of see and interact 97 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,960 Speaker 1: with a person, the more likely we are to become 98 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,120 Speaker 1: friends with them or to become attracted to them. This 99 00:06:22,279 --> 00:06:24,919 Speaker 1: is really interesting. There was a study that you know, 100 00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:26,560 Speaker 1: this was a theory at person and there was a 101 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: study done to kind of confirm this hypothesis, and it 102 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,080 Speaker 1: was done at the Westgate House community at MIT, so 103 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:39,599 Speaker 1: it's like a college basically, And they tracked attraction, relationships, 104 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 1: and friendship formation amongst people at various apartment buildings and 105 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:48,000 Speaker 1: apartment rooms, and residents had been assigned their apartments at random, 106 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,480 Speaker 1: which is great, you know, random allocation makes an experiment 107 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:58,000 Speaker 1: a lot more generalizable, yes, more valid, more reliable. But 108 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: research has asked the participants to name the people that 109 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: they were most attracted to, and they're three closest friends 110 00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:07,520 Speaker 1: within the living quarters. Sixty five percent of them named 111 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,320 Speaker 1: people who lived in the same on the same floor, 112 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,840 Speaker 1: so all people who even lived in the same apartment 113 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: because it was shared. Forty one percent of them said 114 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: next door neighbors, so those right across from them. Twenty 115 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 1: two percent said two doors down, so you can kind 116 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,600 Speaker 1: of see as they get farther away, the rate of 117 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,480 Speaker 1: attraction or friendship kind of drops off. And then ten 118 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,400 Speaker 1: percent of them said the opposite end of the hallway. 119 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,520 Speaker 1: So it kind of seems that attraction and the level 120 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:42,360 Speaker 1: of friendship that we have towards people, or how attracted 121 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,120 Speaker 1: we are of them as a person is related to 122 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,280 Speaker 1: just the physical distance between people, but it's not just 123 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 1: like the physical distance. It's also functional distance. So if 124 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: there are features in your life or where you're living 125 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 1: that make it more likely that you will become close 126 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,960 Speaker 1: to someone will interact with them, that also creates attraction. 127 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: So if for example, people are living on the same 128 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 1: pathway or someone who's living at the bottom of the 129 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,920 Speaker 1: stairs where you have to pass by every day, they 130 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,640 Speaker 1: also have a greater chance of meeting people and building 131 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: those friendships, but also that attraction with people that they meet. 132 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 1: So the proximity effect, it does seem largely to be 133 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:26,080 Speaker 1: due to mere exposure sore exposure effect. It's basically the 134 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:30,720 Speaker 1: tendency to rate stimuli more positively after you've been exposed 135 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: to them repeatedly. So in the case of attraction, you 136 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,760 Speaker 1: rate someone as more attractive or you're more interested in 137 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: them the more that you're exposed to them. So we see, 138 00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 1: the more we see people, the more familiar we become 139 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 1: with them, the more likely we are to be attracted 140 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 1: to them, to become friends with them, to pursue something 141 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,360 Speaker 1: with them, And obviously, like there are limitations, like if 142 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 1: the persons really mean doesn't really matter how close they are. 143 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: It's probably worse if they're closer to you and you 144 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,839 Speaker 1: don't like them. But in general, proximity effect does seem 145 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,880 Speaker 1: to kind of hold up. And it's also to deal 146 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 1: with familiarity. It builds affection and liking. So the more exposure, 147 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,480 Speaker 1: the higher frequency of exposure, the more favorable you are. 148 00:09:15,679 --> 00:09:18,880 Speaker 1: So that is one of those core things that relates 149 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,760 Speaker 1: to who you find attractive. It's how close you are 150 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 1: distance wise. The second one that we talked about that 151 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:30,199 Speaker 1: I noticed was similarity, and this really fuels growing relationships 152 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,920 Speaker 1: and attraction to someone. So it's not just the physical distance, 153 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:38,079 Speaker 1: but it's the match between our interests, our attitudes, values, backgrounds, 154 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,679 Speaker 1: or personality and those of another person. So if you 155 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: share things in common, you're more likely to find someone attractive, 156 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 1: and the more likely a relationship is to evolve. Research 157 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: evidence really strongly supports its similarity draws people together. I 158 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: feel like it's a bit of a no brainer. So 159 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,559 Speaker 1: you don't think about your friends or the person you're 160 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,160 Speaker 1: in a relationship with, or someone that you like, you're 161 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,760 Speaker 1: more likely to share common attitudes. You'll have things that 162 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: you like in common. For example, if you like bike riding, 163 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,880 Speaker 1: obviously you're going to people more attracted to someone who 164 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:17,600 Speaker 1: shares that interest. Yeah, so if you share things in common, 165 00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:22,240 Speaker 1: it kind of makes sense that attraction will evolve, especially 166 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:27,800 Speaker 1: because I guess people who are similar to us will 167 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,400 Speaker 1: like the same things as us. But also they validate 168 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,360 Speaker 1: our own characteristics and beliefs, so they provide us with 169 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,720 Speaker 1: this feeling that we are right, that what we like 170 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,680 Speaker 1: is right, how we feel is right, and that's really 171 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: important for our self esteem, which is why we might 172 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 1: be attracted to them because they validate us. And we 173 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:48,120 Speaker 1: also tend to make negative and automatic inferences about someone 174 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,240 Speaker 1: who disagrees with us on an important issue or who 175 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,559 Speaker 1: dislikes the things that we like, because that kind of 176 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:58,280 Speaker 1: provides a bit of hostility or kind of I don't know, 177 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,200 Speaker 1: push back towards what you think is good in the 178 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 1: world and is so powerful you know, liking someone though, 179 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 1: if you just like who they are, that it can 180 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:14,040 Speaker 1: make up for an absence of similarity. So things, you know, 181 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,800 Speaker 1: having things in common is important, but if you just 182 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,800 Speaker 1: really like someone, sometimes that doesn't even matter. And this 183 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,960 Speaker 1: is where the principle of reciprocity comes in. So we 184 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,040 Speaker 1: like people who like us, which kind of links back 185 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:32,960 Speaker 1: to that self esteem self awareness hypothesis. Reciprocal liking sometimes 186 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:37,000 Speaker 1: occurs because of a self fulfilling prophecy. So when we 187 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: expect people to like us, or we think that they 188 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:46,680 Speaker 1: like us, that elicits more favorable behavior from us, which 189 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: means they're more likely to be favorable or kind to 190 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 1: us back. So, there was a study done I think 191 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: in the eighties, right when like attraction psychology was starting 192 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: to take place, and basically, these two guys, Curtis and Miller, 193 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: they got these college students to participate in pairs, and 194 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 1: the pairs both members of the pairs they hadn't met 195 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: each other before, and one member of each pair was 196 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,320 Speaker 1: selected randomly to no certain information that the other student 197 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: either liked or disliked them. Obviously, this wasn't based on anything. 198 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,200 Speaker 1: The research has made it up, so they kind of 199 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:26,000 Speaker 1: like manipulated the experiment. So one member of the pair 200 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,760 Speaker 1: was told, Oh, yeah, this person that you're meaning today 201 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,400 Speaker 1: they really like you or they've heard about you, and 202 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: you know, maybe in another pair, the research would be like, oh, 203 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:36,720 Speaker 1: they actually dislike you. I don't think that you guys 204 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,120 Speaker 1: will get along. So those who believed that they were 205 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:46,480 Speaker 1: liked initially, they behaved more positively, they disclosed more, disagreed less, 206 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:50,199 Speaker 1: and behaved just in general more warmly to their partner, 207 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:56,880 Speaker 1: whereas those who believed they weren't liked actually ended up 208 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,000 Speaker 1: getting along with the person a lot less, even if 209 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,440 Speaker 1: initial personality tests or interest tests had proven that they 210 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,880 Speaker 1: actually had quite a lot in common. So the partner 211 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,480 Speaker 1: kind of mirrored that of the other member of the pairs. 212 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,240 Speaker 1: So if you thought someone wasn't going to like you, 213 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,240 Speaker 1: probably weren't going to be as warm to them because 214 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:18,160 Speaker 1: you were initially hostile or vigilant against an attack against 215 00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:23,080 Speaker 1: your sense of self. This is obviously, maybe not obviously, 216 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: but interestingly moderated by self esteem. So people with a 217 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,800 Speaker 1: negative self concept, so they don't really like themselves, they 218 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:35,839 Speaker 1: don't see themselves very favorably, They respond quite differently in 219 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: this experiment, which the research has noticed, and would prefer 220 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,600 Speaker 1: to meet someone who has criticized them before, who the 221 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:46,559 Speaker 1: researchers said didn't like them. If someone is it's friendly 222 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,600 Speaker 1: to them, and you have a negative self concept, then 223 00:13:49,679 --> 00:13:53,680 Speaker 1: that behavior kind of appears unwarranted because you believe that 224 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: you're not a good person, and they may not respond positively, 225 00:13:57,679 --> 00:14:01,760 Speaker 1: So that reciprocation is a huge of attraction. Liking someone 226 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: who likes us. It makes a lot of sense, obviously. 227 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: The big one, the one that most people probably think 228 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:12,679 Speaker 1: about in terms of attractive, in terms of attraction, is 229 00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: just physical attractiveness. You know, you just find certain people hot, 230 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: you like what they look like, I guess, and you know, 231 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 1: the research checks up against that. Men and women both 232 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,760 Speaker 1: prefer attractive partners and are more likely to say that 233 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,880 Speaker 1: they're more attractive or they have greater attraction towards them 234 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 1: physically and greater arousal if that person is traditionally attractive. 235 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: This is one of the best indicators of whether someone 236 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 1: would like to date someone, so people they often attribute 237 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: positive qualities to those who are more attractive. My friend 238 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: Meg and I were talking about this other day, how 239 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:56,320 Speaker 1: attractive people have it so much easier because I think 240 00:14:56,360 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 1: people presume that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable 241 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: traits as well, because it's indicative of so much more. 242 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,240 Speaker 1: And our culture kind of promotes this stereotype in less 243 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,840 Speaker 1: than subtle ways. You know, bad characters and movies they're 244 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: often ugly, whilst the good ones are beautiful like Cinderella 245 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,080 Speaker 1: and snow White. They have perfect skin, beautiful bodies, and 246 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,320 Speaker 1: so we see them as good, whereas those that are 247 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: ugly we see them as unhealthy. We see them as 248 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: cruel what we see them as bad, and this has 249 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:31,640 Speaker 1: like a lot of research behind it. People really want 250 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,240 Speaker 1: to hate on attractive people. Will not really hate on 251 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,880 Speaker 1: attractive people, but they want to know why they kind 252 00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: of get further ahead in life, I guess. So here's 253 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,480 Speaker 1: a few examples of how this attraction or attractiveness creates 254 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:50,160 Speaker 1: attraction or liking someone. So teachers, they often judge attractive 255 00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:55,360 Speaker 1: students are as more intelligent and unattractive students adults, and 256 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: nurses who are in pediatric wards they often punish unattractive 257 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:03,680 Speaker 1: children more harshly. This study in Texas showed that a 258 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,800 Speaker 1: judge is more likely judges just correlationally set lower bales 259 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:13,880 Speaker 1: and smaller fines for attractive suspects. Attractive people make more money, 260 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: they get better job ratings from their bosses, and this 261 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: one is really interesting in terms of attachment and childhood development. 262 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:27,080 Speaker 1: Parents they spend more time looking at attractive babies and 263 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 1: attractiveness of babies if the baby was really cute was 264 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,000 Speaker 1: linked to health and treatment in ICU. So nurses and 265 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,239 Speaker 1: doctors not to say they're biased, this is obviously very implicit, 266 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,320 Speaker 1: but they tend to spend more time nurturing and caring 267 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,800 Speaker 1: for babies that look attractive, that look cute. So even 268 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,760 Speaker 1: in early life, it's really good to be good looking. 269 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,480 Speaker 1: You know, there's just other things as well. Like attractive people, 270 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: they're more seen as relaxed and outgoing, and that's a 271 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:57,960 Speaker 1: huge thing for attraction. If you think that someone has 272 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,720 Speaker 1: all of these desirable traits from looking at them, obviously 273 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: that attraction is going to blossom pretty quickly, and it 274 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:09,920 Speaker 1: does create kind of a self fulfilling prophecy. So because 275 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:13,240 Speaker 1: attractive people are more valued and favored even from birth, 276 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:18,560 Speaker 1: this causes them to develop greater self confidence, and if 277 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,720 Speaker 1: they're more liked, they might want that feeling to continue. 278 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:25,359 Speaker 1: So what ends up happening isn't they get more opportunities 279 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: they're more valued, so that those other kind of attributes 280 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:34,160 Speaker 1: and skills and behaviors that make someone attractive or likable 281 00:17:34,359 --> 00:17:39,200 Speaker 1: develop from that, And just in terms of like general attractiveness, 282 00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:42,840 Speaker 1: it's really interesting to note that there is like a 283 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:46,520 Speaker 1: lot of cross cultural consistency in terms of body features 284 00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:50,160 Speaker 1: and what kind of people we're going to find attractive 285 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: just from the surface level, so across different cultures. Women, 286 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,520 Speaker 1: in terms of their facial structure, we like people with 287 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 1: large and widely separate eyes, small nose, small chin, but 288 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:08,040 Speaker 1: also wide cheekbones and narrow cheeks. So if you think 289 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: about like the traditional model, like the Kendall Genners of 290 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,639 Speaker 1: the world, they have all those features. Men, on the 291 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,439 Speaker 1: other hand, very different. We want a square jaw, we 292 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 1: want small eyes, thin lips, bushy eyebrows, those kind of things, 293 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:26,840 Speaker 1: and a lot of people from different cultures agree on 294 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,480 Speaker 1: what it's attractive in a face. There's been so many 295 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:32,920 Speaker 1: studies that have shown that people across the world find 296 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,160 Speaker 1: the same types of faces very very attractive, and even 297 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:40,800 Speaker 1: infants show this. They prefer the same photographs of adults 298 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:43,919 Speaker 1: and they're often the attractive adults, which I think is 299 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:48,439 Speaker 1: really interesting in terms of whether attraction to certain features 300 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:51,679 Speaker 1: is maybe even biological and link to that health and 301 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:57,480 Speaker 1: well being kind of perspective. So attraction towards physical features 302 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,720 Speaker 1: maybe where the idea of love at first sight has 303 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,399 Speaker 1: come from. We see it in movies and in books. 304 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:07,560 Speaker 1: It's a classical archetype of love, of seeing someone and 305 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,919 Speaker 1: falling in love with them knowing the other one. But 306 00:19:10,119 --> 00:19:14,040 Speaker 1: is this really real? Is this a real thing? I 307 00:19:14,119 --> 00:19:18,160 Speaker 1: think a more important mechanism by which humans become captivated 308 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 1: by someone is due to your love map. This was 309 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:25,520 Speaker 1: a concept created by a sexologist called John Money, very 310 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:29,600 Speaker 1: good name. So long before you fixate on a specific 311 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:33,560 Speaker 1: person that you find attractive for various reasons, you've developed 312 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:36,320 Speaker 1: a map. It's kind of like a template within your 313 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: brain that determines what arouses you sexually, what drives you 314 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,600 Speaker 1: to fall in love with one person rather than another, 315 00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:47,000 Speaker 1: what drives you to be friends with one person rather 316 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:51,439 Speaker 1: than another, to find someone attractive basically, And these love maps, 317 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,240 Speaker 1: they vary from from one individual to the next. So 318 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:57,399 Speaker 1: some people get turned on you by a business suit 319 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:03,800 Speaker 1: or a doctor's uniform, large boobs, more feet, laughter, It's 320 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,800 Speaker 1: all kind of varied, but that averageness and that kind 321 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:11,320 Speaker 1: of notion of symmetry still wins out. So in this 322 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:17,439 Speaker 1: one study, these psychologists selected thirty two faces of Caucasian 323 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:22,200 Speaker 1: women only, and using computers, they averaged all of their features, 324 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:25,600 Speaker 1: and then they showed these images to college peers, and 325 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:31,560 Speaker 1: of the thirty two photographs of real female faces, only 326 00:20:32,040 --> 00:20:34,800 Speaker 1: three of them were rated as more appealing than these 327 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:39,480 Speaker 1: mixed photos of all the averaged features. So that's really interesting. 328 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:43,560 Speaker 1: This kind of idea of averageness and symmetry is really important, 329 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:48,920 Speaker 1: and they don't really know why. Obviously the world does 330 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:52,880 Speaker 1: not share the same sexual ideals of Caucasian students from 331 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:57,720 Speaker 1: some university in America. But like I said, despite widely 332 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,800 Speaker 1: dissimilar standards of beauty and sex appeal, there are some 333 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,320 Speaker 1: of those common traits, like the symmetry of the face, 334 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:10,080 Speaker 1: the small nose, the large eyes, good complexion. People are 335 00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:13,359 Speaker 1: also drawn to partners and attracted to people who they 336 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 1: regard as clean, which makes sense because you don't want 337 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,560 Speaker 1: to date someone who has poor hygiene that is really gross. 338 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:26,200 Speaker 1: And men, in most places, they generally prefer plump, wide 339 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 1: hipped women to slim ones. Women prefer broad shouldered men. 340 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,360 Speaker 1: So it looks really count in attraction, and so does 341 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:38,080 Speaker 1: so does money, which makes sense. Obviously the initial attraction, 342 00:21:38,119 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 1: you might not be able to determine how much someone 343 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 1: is worth, maybe by the value of their clothes or 344 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,480 Speaker 1: something like that. But if you find out that someone 345 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,280 Speaker 1: has a lot of money or pretty well off, you 346 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,880 Speaker 1: could become more attractive to them. And this is seen 347 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 1: from rule Zulus to urban Brazilians. You know, Caucasian people 348 00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:00,840 Speaker 1: in Wyoming, men are attracted to young, good looking women, 349 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,320 Speaker 1: while women are drawn to men with property and money. 350 00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,200 Speaker 1: And these like male female appetites, they're probably in a 351 00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,840 Speaker 1: you know, it's in a male's genetic advantage to fall 352 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,920 Speaker 1: in love and be attracted to a woman who provides 353 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:17,560 Speaker 1: and who could produce viable offspring, and it's in a 354 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:22,800 Speaker 1: woman's biological advantage traditionally and from an evolutionary standpoint to 355 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,840 Speaker 1: be attracted to a man who can help her support 356 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:31,399 Speaker 1: a young family or offspring. This can influence love at 357 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,840 Speaker 1: first sight because we're often immediately captivated by characteristics that 358 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 1: fit our love map and feel an insane attraction to 359 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,480 Speaker 1: that person if they kind of check off things that 360 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,800 Speaker 1: in our brain circuitry we know would make us happy 361 00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:48,439 Speaker 1: and arouse and give us that stone and rush. And 362 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:50,520 Speaker 1: then I think the other thing is we also create 363 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:54,560 Speaker 1: expectations for this person that we have this instantaneous attraction for, 364 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,240 Speaker 1: and when people meet those expectations. It's a self fulfilling 365 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,000 Speaker 1: prophecy that makes you kind of feel like you've loved 366 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,480 Speaker 1: them since the beginning, since you first laid eyes on them. 367 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 1: Another important consideration in terms of love at first sight 368 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,919 Speaker 1: or attraction is that it might have a critical adaptive 369 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:17,439 Speaker 1: function amongst animals and including humans. So during the mating season, 370 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:21,200 Speaker 1: a female squirrel, for example, needs to breed, and if 371 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,080 Speaker 1: she sees a healthy squirrel who probably doesn't fit her 372 00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:27,199 Speaker 1: love map, but maybe the biological physical map of what 373 00:23:27,359 --> 00:23:30,120 Speaker 1: is a good partner, she really shouldn't waste any more time. 374 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 1: She should size him up, see if he's right, and 375 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,880 Speaker 1: if he looks suitable, she'd probably grabbed the chance to copulate. 376 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: She needs to have babies. That's what her instinct is 377 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,400 Speaker 1: driving her towards. So perhaps love at first sight it's 378 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,600 Speaker 1: no more than an inborn tendency in many creatures that 379 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,879 Speaker 1: has evolved to spur the mating process. And then among 380 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:53,840 Speaker 1: our human ancestors, what has been animal attraction involved into 381 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:57,720 Speaker 1: a human sensation of infatuation at a glance and love 382 00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:02,240 Speaker 1: at first sight. So we've talked about proximity, we've talked 383 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:09,080 Speaker 1: about similarity, reciprocal feelings. What else physical attractiveness, But then 384 00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:12,840 Speaker 1: there's familiarity, and this might be the most important factor 385 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:17,240 Speaker 1: that kind of runs through them all. When research participants 386 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:20,359 Speaker 1: raided the attractiveness of faces, they rated the faces that 387 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:24,639 Speaker 1: most matched or looked like their own as the most attractive. 388 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 1: This is because people who are similar to us will 389 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,560 Speaker 1: also feel familiar to us, and it's reciprocal liking again, 390 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:38,920 Speaker 1: people who look like each other. If we see someone 391 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,640 Speaker 1: a lot, then we begin to understand their face. They've 392 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,840 Speaker 1: become familiar to us, and that makes us feel comfortable 393 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,360 Speaker 1: and it makes us feel acknowledged in some ways invalidated, 394 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:51,800 Speaker 1: which I just think is really interesting, like how that 395 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:56,000 Speaker 1: kind of comes about. How we you know, people who 396 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,399 Speaker 1: are familiar are more attractive because of that proximity, but 397 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:03,199 Speaker 1: also as we become to understand their facial features and 398 00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,160 Speaker 1: feel a sense of comfort around them. So let's jump 399 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,199 Speaker 1: into some theories of interpersonal attraction, which has kind of 400 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,080 Speaker 1: been coming towards this. So there are a few. The 401 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,159 Speaker 1: first one, the most prominent idea in psychology is social 402 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 1: exchange theory. This is the idea that people's feelings about 403 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:23,080 Speaker 1: attraction and a relationship depends on the perceptions of rewards 404 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,560 Speaker 1: and costs, the kind of relationship they deserve, and their 405 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: chances for having a better relationship with someone else. We 406 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,000 Speaker 1: really want to find the best relationship that we can get, 407 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,320 Speaker 1: so the rewards that we might kind of weigh up 408 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:41,200 Speaker 1: when we first find someone attractive are the positive, gratifying 409 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:45,399 Speaker 1: aspects of a potential relationship that make it worthwhile. This 410 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,720 Speaker 1: might include things like status and physical attractiveness or money 411 00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 1: as we were considering before. But then there's the costs, 412 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:55,640 Speaker 1: and all friendships and relationships they have some costs. However, 413 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,920 Speaker 1: if rewards at wig costs, will probably pursue that person 414 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,719 Speaker 1: we find attractive. And this is all dependent on comparison 415 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:08,920 Speaker 1: level relative to expectations experience alternatives. If a relationship doesn't 416 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:13,000 Speaker 1: match our comparison level of what we expect, we will 417 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:15,760 Speaker 1: be unhappy, and it really depends on our point of view. 418 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:19,639 Speaker 1: People with a low comparison level, they're more likely to 419 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 1: stay in costly relationships, which is quite sad. Like if 420 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:25,840 Speaker 1: you don't believe you can do better, that first person 421 00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,040 Speaker 1: you find attractive might just be the one and you 422 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:31,480 Speaker 1: might just stick it out with them. There's another idea 423 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: of equity theory, and this is the idea that people 424 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:38,399 Speaker 1: are happiest in relationships where they initially feel attracted to 425 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:43,320 Speaker 1: someone when the rewards and costs experienced are shared by 426 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:47,400 Speaker 1: both parties equally. So basically what that means is neither 427 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,000 Speaker 1: one is giving too much. You know, you're not going 428 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,600 Speaker 1: to be attracted to someone who never texts you back 429 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,639 Speaker 1: WoT maybe you will, or who makes you feel like 430 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,960 Speaker 1: they don't want you there or that they don't like you. 431 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,520 Speaker 1: We're going to be attracted to some one who gives 432 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:05,520 Speaker 1: as much as we give into a relationship, and equitable relationships, 433 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:08,520 Speaker 1: they're the most happiest and the most stable, and it's 434 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:12,639 Speaker 1: a pretty powerful social norm equity. We want people want 435 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:17,080 Speaker 1: both people to benefit equally, and people kind of prefer 436 00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:19,600 Speaker 1: to be the one who benefits more so it's more 437 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,200 Speaker 1: of a problem for those who are underbenefited. So making 438 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,160 Speaker 1: sure that it's an equal kind of standing is really 439 00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:30,359 Speaker 1: good for those long term relationships. Let's try to break 440 00:27:30,359 --> 00:27:33,800 Speaker 1: down that cycle of long term loving relationships because we 441 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:38,280 Speaker 1: have that initial intense liking stage of attraction and that's 442 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,040 Speaker 1: called passionate love, but that kind of moves on to 443 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,960 Speaker 1: companion love as we know someone more when that initial attraction, 444 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:49,040 Speaker 1: that excitement, that spark begins to fame. So starting with 445 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,080 Speaker 1: passionate love, it's kind of been what we've been talking 446 00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:55,000 Speaker 1: about this whole time. It tends to refer to attraction 447 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,159 Speaker 1: and love that's characterized by high arousal, intense attraction, and 448 00:27:59,359 --> 00:28:04,479 Speaker 1: fear of attraction. The important aspect is that the person 449 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:07,480 Speaker 1: has to attribute arousal to the right target for passionate 450 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,440 Speaker 1: love to emerge. So sometimes we can confuse arousal and love, 451 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:16,480 Speaker 1: and this is called excitation transfer. Excitation transfer. I don't 452 00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,399 Speaker 1: think many people it's not really like a big theory 453 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: in psychology, which I'm kind of surprised about because it 454 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,880 Speaker 1: makes a lot of sense, and it comes from this 455 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:29,720 Speaker 1: study called Love on the Bridge. So there's two bridges. 456 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,199 Speaker 1: One bridge has a tendency to tilt and sway and 457 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 1: feel unstable and kind of shake around, and the other 458 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,560 Speaker 1: bridge feels a lot safer, it does not sway, it's 459 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,640 Speaker 1: not that high up, it's made of concrete, it's very stable. 460 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,520 Speaker 1: The first bridge, obviously is going to generate a lot 461 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,040 Speaker 1: more arousal. So we have these participants, male participants, and 462 00:28:50,080 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 1: they were approached on either of the bridges by an 463 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:58,440 Speaker 1: attractive female experimenter, and that experimenter they asked the participant 464 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,600 Speaker 1: to tell them a story about a relationship, and in 465 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:05,840 Speaker 1: the suspension bridge condition, where there's a swaying in an unstability, 466 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: the men wrote more sexual stories and were more likely 467 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,000 Speaker 1: to call the experimenter to see if their date with 468 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:17,360 Speaker 1: this attractive female confederate went well. However, those in the 469 00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:21,480 Speaker 1: controlled safe bridge condition wrote significantly less sexual stories and 470 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,840 Speaker 1: only thirteen percent of them called the experimenter, So this 471 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 1: is evidence of excitation transfer. Participants on the unsafe bridge 472 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,640 Speaker 1: were more aroused, but attributed this arousal to meeting the woman, 473 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:35,800 Speaker 1: not the bridge, whereas those on the safer bridge didn't 474 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:41,520 Speaker 1: feel that same level of physiological arousal. So kind of 475 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 1: what this all comes down to is romantic love. We 476 00:29:44,720 --> 00:29:47,280 Speaker 1: have that attraction, but how does that create romantic love? 477 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,920 Speaker 1: Interestingly enough, a lot of research has been done into this, 478 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,800 Speaker 1: and romantic love seems to have a lifespan. Passionate love 479 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,280 Speaker 1: has a lifespan. More like it that attraction's only really 480 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,200 Speaker 1: going to last eighteen to twenty months. So you know, 481 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:06,000 Speaker 1: if you're lucky, you've got like a year or two years, sorry, 482 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:07,560 Speaker 1: like a year and a half two years of that 483 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:12,960 Speaker 1: attraction and after that, when relationships do last, companion love 484 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:17,200 Speaker 1: appears to be what really sustains a relationship. And this 485 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,840 Speaker 1: refers companion love, This refers to affection we feel for 486 00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: those whom our lives are deeply entwined to. It's a secure, 487 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:30,360 Speaker 1: trusting partnership. So most common responses amongst married couples have 488 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,000 Speaker 1: been together for more than fifteen years when asked about 489 00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:36,160 Speaker 1: how they're marriage lasted is that their partner is their 490 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:39,040 Speaker 1: best friend or they like their partner as a person. 491 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:43,719 Speaker 1: So what enables these kind of close relationships to form. 492 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:48,800 Speaker 1: That is what we are going to discuss in this 493 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:52,800 Speaker 1: next segment. I guess okay, So there are three important 494 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:57,440 Speaker 1: factors that enable close relationships. Number one attachment style. Number 495 00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,160 Speaker 1: two equity, which we kind of already talked about. Number 496 00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:06,560 Speaker 1: three is self disclosure. Starting with attachment style, so attachment theory, 497 00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,040 Speaker 1: it's really really popular these days in pop culture, but 498 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,840 Speaker 1: it suggests that a particular weekly learn a particular attachment 499 00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,040 Speaker 1: style as infants from our caregivers, and this kind of 500 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,400 Speaker 1: becomes our working model. And what attraction and relationship should 501 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:23,400 Speaker 1: look like later in life. There's kind of a bit 502 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:25,360 Speaker 1: of debate about how many there are, but I think 503 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,080 Speaker 1: they're therefore so secure. This is rooted in trust and 504 00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:33,880 Speaker 1: marked by intimacy. Preoccupied, it's marked by someone's own sense 505 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:38,040 Speaker 1: of unworthiness and anxiety within a relationship we have dismissive. 506 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 1: This is an avoidant relationship marked by distrust for others 507 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:45,000 Speaker 1: and fearful. And it's an avoidant relationship marked by a 508 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,120 Speaker 1: fear of rejection. So those with secure attachment styles are 509 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: most successful in romantic relationships where attraction has initially formed 510 00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,640 Speaker 1: or passionate love has initially formed. They also appear to 511 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:02,280 Speaker 1: have more enduring relationships and they report more satisfaction. It's important, though. 512 00:32:02,320 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 1: I think we see a lot of like tiktoks and 513 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:07,320 Speaker 1: Instagram reels, and it's everywhere about what your attachment style is, 514 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,360 Speaker 1: and it's not predictive. It is in part determined by 515 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,160 Speaker 1: the person you're with, their behavior and the state of 516 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:18,000 Speaker 1: your relationships. And human brains are also plastic, so you 517 00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:21,880 Speaker 1: can change what your attachment style is and unlearned schemers 518 00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:24,720 Speaker 1: or things that you've learned from your parents or other 519 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:29,320 Speaker 1: caregivers or people around you equity. So this is a 520 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:33,600 Speaker 1: condition under which the outcomes that people receive are proportional 521 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:37,000 Speaker 1: to what they contribute to a relationship. So people in 522 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:40,520 Speaker 1: a stable, long term relationship, they're unconcerned with short term 523 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:43,640 Speaker 1: equity and tend not to keep track of what they're 524 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:46,200 Speaker 1: giving and receiving. And this is a really healthy long 525 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:49,120 Speaker 1: term equity strategy. If you're not keeping track of who's 526 00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,400 Speaker 1: giving more, you often tend to be happier because it 527 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:55,200 Speaker 1: always comes around. Finally, self disclosure, and this is the 528 00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: thing I kind of find most interesting. So this kind 529 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:02,520 Speaker 1: of refers to feeling intimate aspects of oneself to others, 530 00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:06,040 Speaker 1: and this really creates greater attraction in a more deep 531 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:12,080 Speaker 1: attraction and connection. So in persistent, growing relationships, partners often 532 00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:15,720 Speaker 1: show increasing self disclosure, and this seems to be driven 533 00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:21,080 Speaker 1: by principles of disclosure reciprocity, and the tendency to match 534 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:26,520 Speaker 1: each other's level of self disclosure. Attraction, Like we've discussed, 535 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:30,440 Speaker 1: it builds from biology, but it is molded by our environment, 536 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:33,680 Speaker 1: and we can eventually create long lasting, stable love from 537 00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:36,280 Speaker 1: that initial spark if we follow kind of some of 538 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 1: those almost rules of equity and self disclosure and trust. 539 00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:42,960 Speaker 1: But I just think it's really interesting. You know, we've 540 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:47,320 Speaker 1: kind of investigated and talked about that initial feeling and 541 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,920 Speaker 1: that hormonal rush you know, due to voice and drew 542 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,560 Speaker 1: to smell and due to attractiveness. But then when we 543 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:57,840 Speaker 1: add in factors like proximity and familiarity, reciprocity and similarity, 544 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:00,720 Speaker 1: it shows that, you know, it's kind of almost deterministic 545 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,600 Speaker 1: who we fall for, who we find attractive. It's probably 546 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:05,520 Speaker 1: you know, someone you live close to, someone you see 547 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,760 Speaker 1: a lot, someone who you have things in common with, 548 00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:11,319 Speaker 1: someone from your neighborhood. So we may not have as 549 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:15,719 Speaker 1: much choice as we think. Anyhow, I hope that episode 550 00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:19,720 Speaker 1: was informative. I hope that you've learned something about maybe 551 00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,759 Speaker 1: your type, your love map, what makes you attracted to 552 00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,399 Speaker 1: certain people and not to others. And I think that's 553 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,560 Speaker 1: super important. In our twenties, we're attracted to a lot 554 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:31,440 Speaker 1: of people, people are really attractive, we're ruling the bang 555 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,480 Speaker 1: because I don't know, it's that time. So knowing like 556 00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:38,400 Speaker 1: why you fall for those certain people is really important, 557 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:40,960 Speaker 1: I think, or just interesting to know, Like next time 558 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,800 Speaker 1: you find yourself having a crush, think about some of 559 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:46,279 Speaker 1: those factors that we've talked about. You know, it's just 560 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:48,600 Speaker 1: because they're like your next door neighbor, or just because 561 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:52,719 Speaker 1: you're both like Star Wars or something like that. Obviously 562 00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,160 Speaker 1: not to be taken too seriously. I'm not a professional, 563 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:59,080 Speaker 1: but I hope that you enjoyed this episode. And yeah, 564 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,360 Speaker 1: I'm back on the pod cast grind, so more episodes 565 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,759 Speaker 1: are coming in the future. I think next week we're 566 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,920 Speaker 1: definitely going to talk about the psychology of life transitions, 567 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:09,479 Speaker 1: which is a huge thing for your twenties, and yeah, 568 00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:12,319 Speaker 1: that anxiety around it as well. And if you like 569 00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 1: this episode, remember to subscribe the podcast. It's on Apple, Spotify, Google, 570 00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:20,360 Speaker 1: so many other places. And thanks to all the support 571 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:21,799 Speaker 1: and thanks for bearing with me while I had a 572 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:25,480 Speaker 1: little break. Can't wait to record a few more things soon, 573 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:26,480 Speaker 1: and thank you for listening.