Speaker 1: Hell, I Suck Good Dating with Dean Vanessa and Jarrett
Speaker 1: and I Heart Radio Podcast with Dean, Vanessa and Taylor.
Speaker 1: Hello everyone, Vanessa, you want to take it away every
Speaker 1: goodness good. I was gonna say good morning. Well that's
Speaker 1: actually a good afternoon right now in Montreal, but good afternoon.
Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Help I Second Dating. I'm
Speaker 1: in Montreal right now with my dear friend Taylor Nolan
Speaker 1: from my season, and we got some real juice. We
Speaker 1: have some juicy gossip for you guys, fun story gossipy.
Speaker 1: But uh, you know, since it's a dating podcast, figured,
Speaker 1: why don't we share some of our dating stories. But
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna throw Taylor under the bus and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna here you under keep Mike the private and we're
Speaker 1: gonna talk about Taylor. Well, we did a poll actually
Speaker 1: on um We did a pull on Instagram to see
Speaker 1: if people wanted to hear Taylor's dating experience, and I
Speaker 1: paid yours and I put in quotation. Experiences of my
Speaker 1: followers were like, yeah, let's hear Taylor stuff, and a
Speaker 1: hundred percent of mine so that they wanted to hear.
Speaker 1: They all gave them options of yes and yes girl.
Speaker 1: So we were on UM a camp conference retreat fireside
Speaker 1: It's called fireside conference UM two hours or three hours
Speaker 1: actually was traffic like five hours away from Toronto. So
Speaker 1: Taylor met me in Toronto after she did Good Morning America, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, we never spoke about. What do you
Speaker 1: think of Colton being the new Bachelor? Dean? I'm excited
Speaker 1: for his journey? Um, are you by Bachelor? I've met Colton.
Speaker 1: I like Colton. Um, he's a good guy. I wanted
Speaker 1: Jason just because he has the charisma that I think
Speaker 1: would be interesting to watch a lead. Colton, of course,
Speaker 1: has that storyline that we've been become very familiar with
Speaker 1: over the past six seven months. I mean, it'll be
Speaker 1: a good season. I'm excited to watch. What do you
Speaker 1: guys think? I do like Jason to Jason's in Seattle,
Speaker 1: and I have met him and have Yeah. Yeah, everybody
Speaker 1: thought the day just because we went for happy hour,
Speaker 1: It's like, no, we're friends. Is what people do as
Speaker 1: to take a picture with like the opposite sex. People
Speaker 1: automatically think you're dating them anyway. So I'm excited for
Speaker 1: Colton too. I met him at in in l A
Speaker 1: at a wedding and he was just like so sweet
Speaker 1: and innocent. So I'm excited to see and I hope
Speaker 1: they don't make their whole season about him losing his virginity,
Speaker 1: because I mean, there's more to him than that anyway.
Speaker 1: So we went to camp Fireside, and this is Taylor's
Speaker 1: first experience and in Canada. Well, I mean, yeah, kind
Speaker 1: of Saundays. So Taylor, do you want to take it away? Oh? Wait,
Speaker 1: hold on? So I'm starting a YouTube channel, right, So
Speaker 1: I'm starting to vlog everything, and I'm really bad at it.
Speaker 1: I recorded like half of my face because I don't
Speaker 1: know like how to position my camera because it's not
Speaker 1: the same angle as a phone. So I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: we're at camp Fireside and we're registering here and I'm
Speaker 1: in the letter G because my last name is G.
Speaker 1: And oh, look at Taylor. Taylor's already making a friend
Speaker 1: and I have like her first encounter with this guy.
Speaker 1: We're not going to give his name, but her first
Speaker 1: encounter with this guy where she's shaking his hand and
Speaker 1: he's shaking her hand and they're both exchanging like their
Speaker 1: names and hellos and whatever, and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: that's so cute. Cut to basically a couple of days
Speaker 1: later where they're like hanging out. Okay, just gonna to
Speaker 1: tell the whole story. Look here, Okay, I'll let Taylor
Speaker 1: take it away because I don't want to give it
Speaker 1: too much. No, no, no keeping keep anyway. So they
Speaker 1: were just like he was just like really nice and
Speaker 1: like normal and not part of the industry or you know,
Speaker 1: had no idea who we were, had no idea what
Speaker 1: the show was about, and it was just the refreshing,
Speaker 1: you know, to just like have a genuine conversation with
Speaker 1: people who want to be friends with you for who
Speaker 1: you are and not because of the story that you
Speaker 1: come with. So they started talking and we all started
Speaker 1: hanging out because we have zero We had zero WiFi there.
Speaker 1: We were like, we're gonna make friends. The first night
Speaker 1: we were so nervous, had zero WiFi. They had a
Speaker 1: cab a cabin set up with a WiFi uh thing.
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm so tempted to go. Because tempted,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, who's messaging me? Is
Speaker 1: it a boy? No? It was your boys anyway. So
Speaker 1: let's just say Taylor had lots of fun. Taylor might
Speaker 1: be moving to Canada. I'm not moving to Canada. Um,
Speaker 1: but no, it was really good experience overall, like connecting
Speaker 1: with you and connecting with the whole community and just
Speaker 1: like really being present and um oh my god. I
Speaker 1: met someone and he like shared a lot about his life,
Speaker 1: like before we even actually started, Like the minute he
Speaker 1: said he has a farm and could build a fire,
Speaker 1: I was like drop and he literally built us like
Speaker 1: an amazing fire. Yeah, he really did. It was like
Speaker 1: from nothing, Dean know. We stayed up until seven o'clock
Speaker 1: in the morning, singing songs with the guitar around a campfire,
Speaker 1: around a campfire. It was it was the most ride,
Speaker 1: all our eyes out. It was just you so like
Speaker 1: humbling anyway. So wait, so tell me more about this guy.
Speaker 1: Did you guys make out? Did you? Yeah? That's a yes,
Speaker 1: that's yes. I mean how how honest do I completely
Speaker 1: and utterly are to anything? I mean, I like, um,
Speaker 1: you know, exploring people in all kinds of way that
Speaker 1: sounds like third base so um so no. So I
Speaker 1: was like very hesitant because obviously, you know, it's like
Speaker 1: we're there for three nights. It's like this very it's
Speaker 1: very specific context you know, and it's like, oh, well
Speaker 1: then if we are intimate, then like do we try
Speaker 1: to have it be a thing? Then what after that?
Speaker 1: You know, and like you ask yourself all these questions.
Speaker 1: And we were intimate. We were we were all we
Speaker 1: were intimate, um and um. But it was really beautiful. Actually,
Speaker 1: we like, so we're at this camp and like you
Speaker 1: can literally see the Milky Way galaxy like you you
Speaker 1: feel like you're in Star Wars. It's beautiful. And there's
Speaker 1: like this lake and we went up like to the top.
Speaker 1: There's like this swim tower, big slide, and so we
Speaker 1: were up at that um and literally just like underneath
Speaker 1: the stars we saw like not not even kidding, like
Speaker 1: twenty shooting stars. Like it was so I was fast
Speaker 1: asleep alone. It was like minus two degrees. I was
Speaker 1: wearing three layers of clothing with nine covers on top
Speaker 1: of me with the hat on in my bed by myself. Yeah. Well,
Speaker 1: good for you guys. I have a question for you
Speaker 1: as it pertains to our listeners and our audience out there. Then, Taylor,
Speaker 1: you said that this guy opened up to you about
Speaker 1: things that you didn't expect him to open up to
Speaker 1: you about. So early. Do you think that he maybe
Speaker 1: jumped the gun on it. It It sounds like you you
Speaker 1: appreciated it, But I feel like there's a fine line
Speaker 1: between opening up about things too early that are too heavy. No.
Speaker 1: So he like basically the first night when we were
Speaker 1: all talking, he was just kind of like giving us
Speaker 1: a speel of like what he does is and like
Speaker 1: a lot of that pertained around food and about farming,
Speaker 1: and um, I do I really do food? And like
Speaker 1: being connected to my food. Maybe you should have been
Speaker 1: on Crystal Season. Interesting, um, but no. And then he
Speaker 1: started talking about like empathy and like connection to community
Speaker 1: and all this stuff. And so it wasn't anything like
Speaker 1: super personal that he was sharing. It was more just
Speaker 1: like the things that he's passionate about sharing, and he
Speaker 1: had no clue and like Vanessa was just staring at
Speaker 1: me like the whole time as he's talking to us,
Speaker 1: and I was like check check check check check. Oh
Speaker 1: I would be the maid of honor but um but no.
Speaker 1: And then like later, you know, as we kept talking
Speaker 1: throughout the conference, like we've each slowly opened up to
Speaker 1: each other but had really great conversations. And that's where
Speaker 1: it was kind of like the whole purpose of the
Speaker 1: conferences like to be present and disconnect, And so for me,
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm gonna be would you compare this
Speaker 1: to paradise? Like, because on paradise you spend so much
Speaker 1: time with the person. Is this kind of like a
Speaker 1: paradise thing? I don't know if that that I bring up?
Speaker 1: Like PTSD, my roommate always says you have to disconnect
Speaker 1: to connect. This was one of those situations. Absolutely. It
Speaker 1: was because it was like I could be all in
Speaker 1: my head about like, well, what is it after this
Speaker 1: and what does this mean? And am I am I
Speaker 1: to them? And it was like I was just like,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm made me present. I'm gonna let it
Speaker 1: flow wherever it flows. And so do you guys like
Speaker 1: sleep intense? How did this? It's like wood cabin? It
Speaker 1: was a wood cabin, but it was cold end. There
Speaker 1: was a chipmunk or something that went inside taylor backpack. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and ate her chocolate. Well, Vanessa, so we keep hearing
Speaker 1: about Taylor's sexcapades. I want to hear something about you.
Speaker 1: I just told you I was wrapped in nine blankets
Speaker 1: with five different layers. The best thing to do in
Speaker 1: those situations it's not blankets, it's body heat. Well, let
Speaker 1: me tell you. So when the first night we snuggled,
Speaker 1: the first time we snuggled and then she ditched me,
Speaker 1: but we were when we stayed up till seven o'clock
Speaker 1: in the morning. There was this one guy that was like,
Speaker 1: we had a private cabin. Everyone just texted me shut up.
Speaker 1: So he we had a private cabin. Everyone else was sharing,
Speaker 1: like with maybe five other people. So we were like
Speaker 1: the cabin that people wanted to come to because we
Speaker 1: had to two rooms, we had a couch and everything.
Speaker 1: So this guy's like, uh, can I come and see
Speaker 1: your cabin? And I was like, oh, yeah, whatever, So,
Speaker 1: you know, so he comes to our cabin and he's like,
Speaker 1: I just want to sleep on the couch. And I
Speaker 1: was like, okay, cool, and then said my guy was
Speaker 1: already yeah. Her guy was in the other room and
Speaker 1: I had my room to myself. And I'm like, if
Speaker 1: this guy thinks he's going to come sleep with me,
Speaker 1: he has something else coming for him. Like no. So
Speaker 1: he's like, well, unless would you mind if I sleep
Speaker 1: in the bed with you. I was like for body heat,
Speaker 1: for body heat, I was like, I do mind, Like
Speaker 1: for a second, I was like, I'm so cold, maybe,
Speaker 1: but then that just I think that, like I respect
Speaker 1: that both like that guy and the guy I was
Speaker 1: with were very aware of consent. Like before my guy
Speaker 1: kissed me, he like straight up was like, yeah, like
Speaker 1: I want to let you know that, you know, I
Speaker 1: really want to kiss you. And I only bring it
Speaker 1: up because he now consent sexy and like the way
Speaker 1: he did it. I was like, yeah, it's sexy, and
Speaker 1: I like these Well this guy was like very respectful too,
Speaker 1: you know, and he was like singing songs and I
Speaker 1: was like, maybe we can keep singing songs, but no,
Speaker 1: I just wanted to go to bed and have my
Speaker 1: own surprivacy on her mind. Maybe maybe I have someone
Speaker 1: else on my mind. Maybe I don't. We're at the
Speaker 1: discussion recently about whether a guy should ask permission before
Speaker 1: he kisses because Tanya Erica Sissony on the radio show
Speaker 1: with RN Seacrest, they all agree. They all said no,
Speaker 1: he should just own it for it. Wait the girl
Speaker 1: said no, that he should go for it and go
Speaker 1: for it, don't ask permission. It seems pretty unanimous. In studio.
Speaker 1: Toris even nodding her head yes over here, that you
Speaker 1: shouldn't you shouldn't have to ask for it if the
Speaker 1: feeling is right. See I partially agree with that, But
Speaker 1: my last two experiences of like kissing a new person
Speaker 1: um both have actually addressed it, and it's like the
Speaker 1: way that they've brought it up that's been very endearing.
Speaker 1: But so again, I think it depends how you go
Speaker 1: about it. So it was Jason and this guy Jason
Speaker 1: that was good maintenance man was so Taylor, how does
Speaker 1: it how does the relationship exists outside of this conference
Speaker 1: for you? Then with this guy Okay, Dean, Okay, I
Speaker 1: want to I want to take over. I'm hijacking this story.
Speaker 1: So I'm you know how I'm going to Bally right, which,
Speaker 1: by the way, we have to figure out where we're
Speaker 1: staying in Bally, so I need to help send us
Speaker 1: Bolly suggestions. So we're I thought we were leaving this
Speaker 1: whole time. We were like leaving the time. I thought
Speaker 1: we were leaving the thirteenth, and we wanted to extend
Speaker 1: our trip. So we're supposed to go from until the twentieth.
Speaker 1: And I call the airline yesterday and I was like,
Speaker 1: we would like to extend our trip until the twenty.
Speaker 1: He's like, Okay, man, well you are departing on Wednesday,
Speaker 1: September twelfth, and I was like, like he keeps going
Speaker 1: and we both look at each other and are like,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, I have so many appointments
Speaker 1: set off for Wednesday, Like I thought we were leaving
Speaker 1: on Thursday. And this whole time, Taylor literally falls to
Speaker 1: the floor peas in her pants and I just hear
Speaker 1: go to the bathroom. Was like, so basically what happened
Speaker 1: was this dude like I'm from camp, the guy from
Speaker 1: campus from Canada, and he's like, I really want to
Speaker 1: see you before you head out west, and you know,
Speaker 1: I think it's like meant for us to like hang
Speaker 1: out before you leave. He was really sweet. He really
Speaker 1: credit if I didn't try to come and see you.
Speaker 1: So he got an airbnb for the both of them,
Speaker 1: sold his tickets to this festival that that was going
Speaker 1: on in his city, and was coming into town to
Speaker 1: spend time with her on Wednesday night. But little did
Speaker 1: we know, we're going to be on a flight to Bali.
Speaker 1: And literally he had booked all of this ten minutes
Speaker 1: before called the airline. So funny. I felt so bad.
Speaker 1: I called and I sang, justin Bieber's is it too
Speaker 1: late to say I'm sorry? I don't think I'll be
Speaker 1: honest with you. I don't think that's funny at all.
Speaker 1: Sounds really really frustrating for that guy. He was really
Speaker 1: is this your yes? It is so yeah? Now he
Speaker 1: was very and like, honestly, I really liked and this
Speaker 1: is actually good thing to bring up. I think. Um
Speaker 1: he had texted me and was like, he said that
Speaker 1: he's just feeling really sad, angry and exhausted and frustrated.
Speaker 1: And Vanessa was kind of like, oh no, I don't
Speaker 1: like that. No, like like, no, he shouldn't be respected
Speaker 1: like that, like that's too much. And I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I appreciate that he can acknowledge how he feels right now,
Speaker 1: and like I totally understand where he would feel that
Speaker 1: way right but I feel like he didn't put his
Speaker 1: emotions in check and was just like and then he
Speaker 1: asked no, no, because then he asked like, can you
Speaker 1: guys push your trip to Thursday. I was like, dude,
Speaker 1: we're going to Bally, We're not going to Toronto, Like
Speaker 1: we can't push our trip a day. But the way
Speaker 1: he said that was like joking, because it was like,
Speaker 1: how many other things can we do to see if
Speaker 1: maybe we can work something that. I'm really surprised you
Speaker 1: just said that, because I feel like all he's doing
Speaker 1: is communicating the what he's feeling, and now you're kind
Speaker 1: of crucifying him for you. No, I wasn't. No, I
Speaker 1: just I was frustrated. The whole situation was really frustrating
Speaker 1: for all of us, um and the fact that I
Speaker 1: had to I had a guy, no appointments, I had
Speaker 1: to cancel, and just things that I had to do
Speaker 1: on Wednesday, And I was like, well, you know, we
Speaker 1: all had to move our things, and it is an
Speaker 1: unfortunate situation. And I'm a true believer and things are
Speaker 1: meant to be. I believe in signs. So was you know,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, maybe it wasn't meant to be for
Speaker 1: you guys to like meet up right before we go
Speaker 1: to Bali, you know. But anyway, so I don't know,
Speaker 1: I think that you're being a little selfish you Vanessa.
Speaker 1: I think that if the roles were flipped and you
Speaker 1: were tailor in the situation, you would be much more
Speaker 1: willing to push it to Thursday no, never, are you kidding?
Speaker 1: And you'd be much more receptive of his emotions as well.
Speaker 1: That's just my that's just my take on it, right,
Speaker 1: maybe a little bit more receptive. I just didn't appreciate
Speaker 1: that comment of like can you move your flight? And
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I think also, had you heard how
Speaker 1: he said it, you know that he wasn't serious about it.
Speaker 1: He was just because you just look like how many
Speaker 1: other things like you know, yeah, anyway, but now but
Speaker 1: now I'm going to I'm going to go see him tonight.
Speaker 1: Oh good? Yeah, wow, So this is kind of serious
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, just just like that. It's funny
Speaker 1: how quickly he shared that he's a bit of like
Speaker 1: a hopeless romantic and I'm totally not. And listen, I
Speaker 1: was like team whatever his name is. From the beginning,
Speaker 1: I'm like, because Taylor is not like that, Like we're
Speaker 1: such opposite. She tells me like Vanessa could go with
Speaker 1: the flow, like stopped overthinking things, and so it was
Speaker 1: like I start liking a guy. I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: like let's very like black or white. Yeah, let's go,
Speaker 1: you know, And she's like, just go with the flow.
Speaker 1: And I'm like telling her I appreciate that he's very romantic,
Speaker 1: and he's and you became super giddy yesterday, and because
Speaker 1: the whole day that he planned was the most adorable thing.
Speaker 1: It was like we were going to go to a
Speaker 1: market and grab a bunch of food and take it
Speaker 1: back to the airbnb and like click dinner together and
Speaker 1: like listen to music and Dan, I'm surprised you didn't
Speaker 1: have an experience like this when you were traveling for months.
Speaker 1: What do you mean Europe? Oh? I briefly heard you
Speaker 1: mentioned something when we were but it was, like I
Speaker 1: think it was. It wasn't an extended like you got
Speaker 1: you have, Like did you have like a little romance
Speaker 1: when you were away traveling. No, I did not. I
Speaker 1: feel like there was something in in Bali. No. I
Speaker 1: met with my friends and Bali, but there was nothing
Speaker 1: like I'm surprised why I think we're so good looking. Well,
Speaker 1: I appreciate that you were also very good looking as well,
Speaker 1: and I feel like you didn't have the same experience
Speaker 1: to this camp head. You're right, I didn't, but I
Speaker 1: also don't think I also don't think you were open
Speaker 1: to it. Right on my traveling expeditions, it wasn't a
Speaker 1: priority of mine to be on the lookout for people
Speaker 1: to speaking of like memories and all that stuff. Taylor,
Speaker 1: you know it could maybe help your dude remember your
Speaker 1: time with him at camp fireside. Homesick candles dot com
Speaker 1: Have you heard of those? No? I haven't so Homesick
Speaker 1: candles dot com. Homesick dot com candles provide warm, glowing
Speaker 1: reminders of the special times a k camp, memories, people
Speaker 1: in places in your life. There's a special homestick candle
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Speaker 1: write up the dude's alley your alley grate value. Each
Speaker 1: candle provides warm light and a reminder of the best
Speaker 1: times and places of your life. For sixty two eighty hours.
Speaker 1: That's crazy. That's a long time. It's a really long time.
Speaker 1: Is it because it's soy? I think it's because of
Speaker 1: the wick, Because of the wick, and it's non toxic.
Speaker 1: I gotta get you one of those beautiful clear glass
Speaker 1: containers designed to burn the wax all the way to
Speaker 1: the bottom, no shell of wasted wax on the sides.
Speaker 1: You can recycle the jar as a cool looking pencil
Speaker 1: holder or flower phase. Go to homesick dot com to
Speaker 1: find every single one of the fifty United States candles,
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Speaker 1: dot com and use our code Dean d e a N.
Speaker 1: That's homesick dot com and use our code d e
Speaker 1: a N. That's Dan d e a N. Taylor, I
Speaker 1: actually have a homesick candle burning right in front of me,
Speaker 1: and I have had since this podcast started recording. And
Speaker 1: it smells delicious, smells just like Colorado like a walk
Speaker 1: down Memory Lane and are outdoorsy. It smells like the forest,
Speaker 1: It smells like winter. It smells like an owl flying.
Speaker 1: And I got to get one of l A because
Speaker 1: I missed. I just missed, Like, yeah, I look New
Speaker 1: York Colorado smells like York cedar, sandal wood and amber
Speaker 1: and cinnamon, round bears and of babbling brook and all
Speaker 1: the good things. The Los Angeles candle if you're curious,
Speaker 1: probably like pollution, a clean sea breeze, citrus notes of orange,
Speaker 1: jeff and lemon slices with a flora, bouquet of jasmine
Speaker 1: and rose for any occasion. I love jasmine and rose. Anyway,
Speaker 1: it's moving on to the next segment. So, as we
Speaker 1: often do on this podcast, we like to have, you know,
Speaker 1: marriage and family therapists come on and discuss kind of
Speaker 1: what they do, what they work with, and how they
Speaker 1: might be able to help our listeners and obviously ourselves
Speaker 1: as well. So we're going to move on to speaking
Speaker 1: with Hailey Hewitt, who is a licensed marriage and family
Speaker 1: therapist with private practices both in l A Bay Area,
Speaker 1: UM who works as families, individuals, all that kind of stuff. So, Haley,
Speaker 1: are you there. I am Hi everybody, Hi, how are you?
Speaker 1: I'm great? How's it going? Oh we're doing great. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for joining us today. Um so I
Speaker 1: just give a very quick introduction, Haley, but if you
Speaker 1: want to, do you mind telling us the listeners a
Speaker 1: little bit more about yourself and kind of what your
Speaker 1: background is coming from. Of course. Yeah, So in college
Speaker 1: I started actually in film and TV. My projects we're
Speaker 1: all about the human condition, and neither professor tell me,
Speaker 1: you know, maybe you should go into different direction toward
Speaker 1: counceling psychology. And at that time and my late twenties too,
Speaker 1: I just felt called to do more meaningful work and
Speaker 1: on myself in private practice. Now that's words in specializations
Speaker 1: are in travel relationships, and even I feel passionate about
Speaker 1: supporting to heal rather than re enact, just like unresolved
Speaker 1: wounding from past relationships in new relationships, so having repaired
Speaker 1: the relational so in therapy and with others. So you're
Speaker 1: saying you kind of help people deal with trauma, and
Speaker 1: then how that affects relationships or is it kind of
Speaker 1: their mutually exclusive? How does how does that all kind?
Speaker 1: Do they play into each other at all? Oh? Absolutely
Speaker 1: it's all integrated as you learn the shore last seek
Speaker 1: with your hyptentism, which I have some questions about. Oh
Speaker 1: please ask away. UM. Yeah, well I'll just close and
Speaker 1: saying that I take some similar approaches as in A
Speaker 1: Wonderful Woman last weekend, I was forcing from somatic experiencing
Speaker 1: and brain spotting, which combines actually hypnotherapy um e M,
Speaker 1: drum thematic experience things. So it's body based and it's
Speaker 1: working with visual station in the body. They theorize that
Speaker 1: trauma is rooted on a vistual level and connected tissue
Speaker 1: and um so in our present day relationships and even
Speaker 1: throughout our lives as were you know, in a relationship
Speaker 1: with ourselves, we have experiences know reenact or reawaken from
Speaker 1: the past, and you know, whether it's a big trauma
Speaker 1: or a little key trauma, developmental trauma, little things over time,
Speaker 1: life is traumatic. We all go through suffering and experience hardships,
Speaker 1: and so it's important to actually use our relationships as opportunities. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that makes sense. I I think that a lot of times,
Speaker 1: and myself have I've been very guilty of this before.
Speaker 1: Is you don't necessarily realize the impact that things that
Speaker 1: happen to you as a child have on you as
Speaker 1: an adult. And I think Taylor and I actually talked
Speaker 1: about this on her podcast not too long ago. Um,
Speaker 1: there is a lot of times people don't necessarily take
Speaker 1: the proper steps to deal with that kind of stuff. Yes, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so excited. Taylor's here too. You've got initiou hi Taylor. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So aumatic experiencing emphasize with the importance of having the
Speaker 1: opportunity to experience in the body what one couldn't in
Speaker 1: childhood or in any you know, challenging or traumatic experience.
Speaker 1: We tend towards coping in the best ways we know how,
Speaker 1: which is checking out a little bit, not fully feeling it.
Speaker 1: Maybe we're in shock, maybe we're slightly dissociated. But thematic
Speaker 1: experience thing was formulated by this guy, Peter was Being
Speaker 1: who developed the approach after observing that pretty animals whose
Speaker 1: lives are routinely threatened in the wild, right and they're
Speaker 1: able to recover readily physically releasing the energy by accumulator
Speaker 1: during the stressful event, so they like discharge the energy
Speaker 1: right away and then they don't have the traumatization that
Speaker 1: we humans on the other hand, like overrise a natural
Speaker 1: way of regulating the nervous system with all of our thinking,
Speaker 1: our feelings, or shaming even prolace the thoughts or you know,
Speaker 1: as you said in childhood, just not having no language
Speaker 1: to describe what was happening. So how would you do
Speaker 1: the therapy for semantic experiences? What kind of therapy sessions? Um,
Speaker 1: what would therapy sessions look like? Yeah, So the thematic
Speaker 1: experiencing is helping the client find first places and safety,
Speaker 1: So whether that's a place in the body that is
Speaker 1: not activated by the trauma or a physical place to
Speaker 1: retreat to, like m a calm stream or ocean. And
Speaker 1: experiencing the sensations to the traumatic event in a safe
Speaker 1: way allows the person to event voice process the trauma.
Speaker 1: So they're they're they're opening up the trauma or even
Speaker 1: just talking, you know, being for example, like you in
Speaker 1: your hypnotism, He had said, Um, I had these these
Speaker 1: visual sensations come up around, you know, memories of this
Speaker 1: relationship and then this upcoming dating, and like what goes
Speaker 1: deeper than that? It's like relationship and like what this
Speaker 1: experience they're read it in your body or aunt relationship.
Speaker 1: So in the session and I would deepen into that
Speaker 1: and maybe you say, oh, I just like you know,
Speaker 1: love in my throat, and so that's maybe where some
Speaker 1: of the traumas housed. And so then I would resource
Speaker 1: you to find a place in your body of comfort
Speaker 1: of safety, and maybe you say, all the you know,
Speaker 1: chair on my back feels very supportive and comfort comforting.
Speaker 1: They stay with that, you know, deepen into that sensation,
Speaker 1: and then you evacilate between the traumatic or uncomfortable sensation
Speaker 1: and the comfortable sensation and kind of move back and forth.
Speaker 1: I do want to say that I think one of
Speaker 1: the reasons that the reason that I had relationships front
Speaker 1: of mind when I had the hypnotherapist come in was
Speaker 1: because of my environment surrounding me. And you know, obviously
Speaker 1: we're in studio recording the relationship Centric podcast, and so
Speaker 1: I'm curious to know like if I were to if
Speaker 1: and when I do it again, because I hope to
Speaker 1: meet with Dr Nancy again and like a more private
Speaker 1: setting where my mind is able to think more freely
Speaker 1: and not just kind of more focused on the topic
Speaker 1: at hand. I'm curious where my mind would go, and
Speaker 1: I'm sure, of course it would go towards relationships to
Speaker 1: some aspect, but I'm not sure if it would be
Speaker 1: kind of the main focus like it was last week. Well,
Speaker 1: it could be like relationships with your loved ones, relationships
Speaker 1: with your friends and family. You know, it doesn't necessarily
Speaker 1: have to be romantic. Really well, I know, but I'm
Speaker 1: just saying regardless, Like because of the environment I was in,
Speaker 1: is why I was thinking about and I think, like
Speaker 1: maybe I could be wrong, but that's just kind of,
Speaker 1: you know, one idea that I had. But um, I
Speaker 1: mean I fully understand what you're well, I don't fully
Speaker 1: understand it. I can obviously try to make the best
Speaker 1: sense of it as I possibly can. But you mentioned
Speaker 1: brain spotting, and I know you've kind of opened up
Speaker 1: a little bit more about that, but can you I'm
Speaker 1: just curious what more specifically is brain spotting. Brain spotting
Speaker 1: is more recent. It was discovered in two thousand three.
Speaker 1: This guy David Grand used it UM when he was
Speaker 1: doing E M d R, which is I movement desensitization
Speaker 1: reprocessing UM, which is a technique similar systematic experiencing. But
Speaker 1: there's like a little wa NT and you utilize bilateral stimulations,
Speaker 1: do you do look less and right and left and
Speaker 1: right and listen to music. And the brain spotting was
Speaker 1: discovered because he noticed people in session kind of drift
Speaker 1: off and get stuck, like looking off into one specific direction,
Speaker 1: and so he he discovered that, Um, you know, the
Speaker 1: brain locates point so in the client's visual field that
Speaker 1: helps the access and crosses trauma in the subcotical brain.
Speaker 1: So it's like looking at that point is where they
Speaker 1: call it. The trauma is stored like a trauma capsule
Speaker 1: in a certain part of the brain. And when you act,
Speaker 1: when you locate that point, the clinician, um, the distress
Speaker 1: is activated in the body, and the clinician has a
Speaker 1: little cleaner and holds it on that point and the
Speaker 1: person moses that I position, there's at that point, and
Speaker 1: UM watches what happened, starts to use like a subjective
Speaker 1: unit of the stress scale zero to tend tend being
Speaker 1: panic attacked. There totally calm and measuring as their body
Speaker 1: regulates itself. You know, typically it goes really high and
Speaker 1: gets really intense and then it starts to plateau and
Speaker 1: then they're left with this you thought that their body
Speaker 1: is always working to regulate itself, So it's similar to
Speaker 1: f the thematic experiencing and that UM, the body is
Speaker 1: always working to feel itself, it's not working against that,
Speaker 1: and we can have those opportunities to like field activation
Speaker 1: which in our everyday lives, you know, or and even
Speaker 1: in the studio last week for you like you're not
Speaker 1: going to deeply go into like your deepest you know,
Speaker 1: losses and traumas and visceral experiences that which you know,
Speaker 1: may you feel safe to do so with her like
Speaker 1: UM one on one. But the brain spotting is just
Speaker 1: UM particularly effective with trauma because it helps to identify
Speaker 1: and heals undergoing trauma. The body is this observed visually,
Speaker 1: like do they do do they hook me up to
Speaker 1: any monitors or do you just kind of observe where
Speaker 1: their eyes go when they're talking about specific things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you serve where their eyes so you observe there. You
Speaker 1: are totally just watching the bodies, getting the body like
Speaker 1: if there's a lot of blinking tightening, um, sometimes it's
Speaker 1: bobby is people get stuck on a point. UM. Other
Speaker 1: times they're talking about something intense, and then you start
Speaker 1: asking them where you're noticing that their body and you
Speaker 1: begin there and then you use the pointer and you
Speaker 1: start over left and then right, and you have the
Speaker 1: scale where it's the vert distressful and wherever it's the
Speaker 1: highest stress level. You leave the point there um and
Speaker 1: then they, you know, stay on that point for upwards
Speaker 1: a certain forty minutes and you know you're you're talking
Speaker 1: to them, and there's like a statement of focus, you know, like,
Speaker 1: m I wonder what that would be like if someone
Speaker 1: were to focus only on that with me, because I
Speaker 1: definitely know that I'm guilty of avoiding eye contact and
Speaker 1: like looking off in certain directions whenever I talk about
Speaker 1: specific topics, and so I'm curious to see, like what
Speaker 1: what some would I guess diagnose that brain spotting symptom
Speaker 1: as UM. Well, often avoidance of contact or connection can
Speaker 1: be shame based. It can be related to loss. So
Speaker 1: like the challenge of making that connection right, like the
Speaker 1: intensity of eye contact for too long feels lingle like
Speaker 1: ingle thing like to terrifying. I know that you have,
Speaker 1: you know, experienced the lass in your adolescent um a
Speaker 1: really formative time and you know someone really important to you,
Speaker 1: So it's it's important that you, you you know, are able
Speaker 1: to process the grief around that now as a man
Speaker 1: with the language too. But further on a visceral body
Speaker 1: based level, um, as it's embedded like in the body, Um,
Speaker 1: we can brain spottle being maked be that it would
Speaker 1: be interesting at the very like I would be really
Speaker 1: interested in that. So for our listeners, then, do you
Speaker 1: have any like the daily therapeutic practices that could contribute
Speaker 1: to not only the healthy relationships we have with others
Speaker 1: but also with ourself that you can maybe there's like
Speaker 1: kind of some quick tips for them and us. Yeah,
Speaker 1: of course, Um. Distressed tolerance is an amazing skill. Just
Speaker 1: the ability to lean into discomfort right, hold that eye
Speaker 1: contact for an extra second. Um, and always you know,
Speaker 1: being able to tolerate and lean into discomfort with compassion
Speaker 1: and gentlemen. Um. Real Sorry, So Taylor and I always
Speaker 1: talk about leaning into the discomfort. UM. I have a
Speaker 1: tendency and whenever I if I start a relationship or
Speaker 1: if I'm in a relationship usually like a romantic relationship,
Speaker 1: if I start feeling a little bit uneasy because I'm
Speaker 1: very black and white, and if I if the relationship
Speaker 1: starts to go into the gray zone. I started freaking out.
Speaker 1: And Taylor keeps telling me just lean into the discomfort,
Speaker 1: and I just don't know, I'm getting a lot better
Speaker 1: on it. So for someone for listeners out there who
Speaker 1: are like, what are some tips that you that I
Speaker 1: could do, that we can do too. UM, I guess
Speaker 1: be okay with that discomfort because it's not like a
Speaker 1: physical thing. It's just like not physically in front of
Speaker 1: the person, but it's just like internally I start freaking
Speaker 1: out and then I start second guessing where our relationship stands,
Speaker 1: and I could be sabotaging the relationship because of the discomfort.
Speaker 1: And you say internally, and I think cognitively, So in
Speaker 1: your brilliant, wonderful mind, you're thinking about all of the
Speaker 1: work case scenarios or just the fear. You know, the
Speaker 1: cognitive mind is driving you. And so what I would
Speaker 1: invite you and others to try is deepening into these
Speaker 1: other sentient, intelligent organs of perception, which our hearts and
Speaker 1: our guts and our spirit. If that's in your practice
Speaker 1: and trusting that you have everything you need within your
Speaker 1: whole self mind, M your at heart, UM, listening to
Speaker 1: your your intuition. UM, I have some great little tool
Speaker 1: on intuition we can do to UM. Really help guide
Speaker 1: you whether or not it is the right relationship. And
Speaker 1: you know, maybe your intuition is giving some intinct here, like, um,
Speaker 1: what direction to take? I mean, my intuition is spot
Speaker 1: on with everything. Then another relationship worked well, and I
Speaker 1: want to add to that a little bit too, like
Speaker 1: to get comfortable with the gray area, even though it
Speaker 1: feels like it's nothing physical. I would still allow yourself
Speaker 1: that physical space, like to to let that if that
Speaker 1: anxiety is is coming up within you, to sit there
Speaker 1: and observe. And one thing I always remind people is
Speaker 1: like you are not your thoughts. You are the observer
Speaker 1: of your thoughts. So if you're in that state and
Speaker 1: feeling really anxious and especially in the development of relationship
Speaker 1: and not knowing is it this or is it this?
Speaker 1: And where is it going and what's going to happen,
Speaker 1: and you know, wanting that security and wanting that safety
Speaker 1: of observing that about yourself and saying, Okay, you know
Speaker 1: that's this is what I'm feeling right now, and I
Speaker 1: know that this is how I'm gonna feel right now,
Speaker 1: But it won't be an in ten minutes. Something else
Speaker 1: will come up. And when you challenge yourself to be present,
Speaker 1: those thoughts start to uh dissipate because you're no longer
Speaker 1: in your head in that anxiety. And that was something
Speaker 1: we I think I pushed you on a little bit
Speaker 1: over our campaiging trip of being present and not being
Speaker 1: in your head about oh well, what are we going
Speaker 1: to BALI and what about I want to talk to
Speaker 1: this person and I need to go to WiFi. Tend
Speaker 1: and like be present with where you are and a
Speaker 1: lot of that anxiety will subside. But also when it
Speaker 1: does come up to remember that you are the observer
Speaker 1: of your thoughts because I have the tendency and I've
Speaker 1: learned this through therapy and I've learned this through relationships.
Speaker 1: I have a tendency my my one of my biggest
Speaker 1: flaws is being impulsive, Like I feel this way right now,
Speaker 1: so I'm gonna do this, And that's like where the
Speaker 1: black and white comes in. But if I give myself
Speaker 1: the next day to think about how how I was feeling,
Speaker 1: then maybe my emotions aren't going to be running as
Speaker 1: high and I'll make a different decision. I know I
Speaker 1: do that a lot. And dating sometimes too, Like when
Speaker 1: you get that feeling and you're like I want to
Speaker 1: see this person. I need to see this person. And instead,
Speaker 1: if you let that, if you just observe that, I'm like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm really feeling like I want to see him right now,
Speaker 1: but letting that time pass and getting back in touch
Speaker 1: with where you are at that moment, like Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna finish doing the dishes, Like I'm gonna focus
Speaker 1: on doing the dishes right now because that's the task
Speaker 1: that's at hand. Being present with what's happening around you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm learning. I'm learning a lot. And it's you know,
Speaker 1: the mindfulness. You know, the word is all over and
Speaker 1: how do we be mindful of? How do we get
Speaker 1: out of our thoughts? In one simple way I like
Speaker 1: to think of it is um drop out of thinking,
Speaker 1: move into sensing, so inter receptive awareness, mindfulness within the body,
Speaker 1: watching sensations arising and passing with compassion, without attempts to change.
Speaker 1: So giving yourself a terror said, but space just to
Speaker 1: watch your liveliness through you and move out of the
Speaker 1: thinking for a little while. And feelings are thoughts caused
Speaker 1: the cognitive mind. I don't understand what Taylor said earlier
Speaker 1: about you are not your thoughts are the observer of
Speaker 1: your thoughts, Taylor, Yeah, so you are not your thoughts.
Speaker 1: You are the one observing your thoughts. I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: ahead and just I don't know anything about it, but
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna go ahead and disagree with that. So
Speaker 1: I'm gonna encourage you to read Untethered Soul by Michael Singer,
Speaker 1: where there's a whole chapter on your inner voice and um,
Speaker 1: thinking of your inner voice as like your inner roommate
Speaker 1: um and personalizing your inner voice um, because I think
Speaker 1: when you are super attached to all of your thoughts,
Speaker 1: they then essentially run you and you can make these
Speaker 1: really impulsive decisions. And oftentimes our thoughts are telling us
Speaker 1: things out of fear to protect ourselves, and then then
Speaker 1: we're essentially living out of fear um. And that's not
Speaker 1: you know, doesn't always lead us to living lives of
Speaker 1: meaningful connection, which is at our being like, I guess
Speaker 1: why am I thinking this? Or why is my right
Speaker 1: like to observe your thoughts? Think why am I feeling
Speaker 1: this way? Instead of being like I'm feeling this way
Speaker 1: and like being impulsive about being like, Okay, I noticed
Speaker 1: that this is what I'm feeling. But if we're not
Speaker 1: to some of our thoughts, then what are we We're well,
Speaker 1: now you're just getting well, yeah, that's a whole. That's
Speaker 1: that's who I feel like, that's opposite. I feel like
Speaker 1: that's who you are in your truest self is what
Speaker 1: you think about on a regular basis defines who you
Speaker 1: are to yourself, you know. But I guess for me,
Speaker 1: the way that I understand it is internalizing what your
Speaker 1: thoughts are and understanding where those thoughts are coming from.
Speaker 1: Like if i'm if right now, I think like I'm anxious,
Speaker 1: Like okay, why am I anxious? I'm like getting to
Speaker 1: the bottom of that feeling or I'm getting to the
Speaker 1: bottom of For me, I guess it's mostly feelings that
Speaker 1: encouraged me to either do or not you something, and
Speaker 1: I want to know why I'm doing it. I'm doing
Speaker 1: it because let's say it's sinstems of relationship topic relationship podcast.
Speaker 1: If I want to message a person, why am I
Speaker 1: messaging that person? I'm messaging them to get reaction out
Speaker 1: of them. If that's my goal, I don't want to
Speaker 1: do that because I might not be able, I might
Speaker 1: not get the reaction I want from them, and then
Speaker 1: I'll be disappointed. But even as you say, like asking
Speaker 1: yourself why you're feeling that, in that, you're taking yourself
Speaker 1: out of some of that anxiety. Because if you are
Speaker 1: just oh my god, I'm anxious. Oh my god, I anxious,
Speaker 1: I'm anxious, I'm axious, I'm anxious. But instead of taking
Speaker 1: that step back and realizing that you are the observer
Speaker 1: of your thoughts that Okay, yeah, I notice I'm feeling anxious,
Speaker 1: So why where is that coming from? Why am I
Speaker 1: feeling this that? Then it it takes you down a
Speaker 1: little bit of a different journey um mentally and emotionally
Speaker 1: that I think helps you have that separation and helps
Speaker 1: you to move through some of that anxiety in this example.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense? It does, and it doesn't. I
Speaker 1: appreciate you shooting some light on it floor us um
Speaker 1: back to Haley, I just have one more question for
Speaker 1: you to to help our listeners as it pertains to relationships.
Speaker 1: I think that everything you've mentioned has been incredibly helpful
Speaker 1: for all of them, but maybe more as it pertains
Speaker 1: to relationships, giving advice for them in terms of manifesting
Speaker 1: their ideal relationship. When it comes to must have, would like,
Speaker 1: steal breakers, that kind of thing. I'm sure you you
Speaker 1: give quite a bit of advice on that. Yeah, yes,
Speaker 1: And of course it starts with the self. So I,
Speaker 1: you know, really enjoyed what you said about Plato Symposium,
Speaker 1: this idea that there's one person out there who will
Speaker 1: provide you completely utter happiness. And yet what what if
Speaker 1: it's you? What if you are your own Plato Symposium,
Speaker 1: as in your own other half? So I think in
Speaker 1: manifesting idea of relationships with others, we have to also
Speaker 1: do that must have would like and deal breakers with
Speaker 1: ourselves and get really true that to how we want
Speaker 1: our purpose and our life to look right. Joy is
Speaker 1: coming from meaningful experience. Research shows not from speaking happiness,
Speaker 1: and so how do we have meaningful experience in our
Speaker 1: life and in a relationship now when it comes to others,
Speaker 1: I had spoken earlier about feeling unresults from our past
Speaker 1: relationships in order to not re enact that wounding and present.
Speaker 1: So I think people can find themselves in these relationships.
Speaker 1: Like these old issues keep coming up. What I see
Speaker 1: a lot are like trust issues, Um, but they've been
Speaker 1: you know, cheated on in the past or they've had
Speaker 1: a loss, you know, um, and they had felt like
Speaker 1: they can't ever fully give themselves the trust in relationship.
Speaker 1: The part of it starts in the relationship to self.
Speaker 1: You know. Taylor spoken about self compassion the forms of tasks,
Speaker 1: which is an incredible sale to have not only changing
Speaker 1: their critical self talk, but getting in touch with the
Speaker 1: compassionate observer, the parts that can compassionately observe, not just
Speaker 1: the thoughts which he has seen are thinking is what
Speaker 1: makes us unique and feel then beyond animal that we
Speaker 1: have this analytical thinking mind. Um, that's perhaps you know,
Speaker 1: it's getting really clear on what we want our deal
Speaker 1: relationship with ourselves to look like, and that includes our
Speaker 1: path and our purpose and then with others, really doing
Speaker 1: our work in therapy and choosing healthy relationships, setting boundaries
Speaker 1: around toxic and unhealthy relationships, especially for us people pleasers
Speaker 1: thought there really practicing no and learning how to maybe
Speaker 1: let people down a little bit because it's not healthy
Speaker 1: for us. So it's not quite right, um, So that
Speaker 1: we can you know, continue manifesting healthy relationships. That's more
Speaker 1: in mindment giving us the opportunity for what we reference
Speaker 1: as reparative relational experiences. So we can work on our
Speaker 1: own healing, and feeling comes in a relationship too, when
Speaker 1: we have healthy relationships. I mean, that's all very beneficial.
Speaker 1: I was actually funny. It's funny enough because I might
Speaker 1: drive to the studio today. I was thinking about kind
Speaker 1: of that same idea, but almost the opposite side of it,
Speaker 1: where I said yes to a lot more things than
Speaker 1: I say no to. But that's good. I think it
Speaker 1: opens up a lot more doors and it closes obviously,
Speaker 1: But there's also a drawback to it. As Haley saying, um,
Speaker 1: I would say that I've been given I guess a
Speaker 1: lot of things because of my willingness to say yes.
Speaker 1: But as I get older and as I start to
Speaker 1: like narrow down the things that I find important in
Speaker 1: my life, I understand the purpose of saying no more
Speaker 1: often and letting people down. Um. But but Haley, so
Speaker 1: you said you'll be in town next week. Maybe we
Speaker 1: can get you in here to do some brain spotting.
Speaker 1: I think that would be super cool. Yeah, yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: happy to do that. Not the basic of dream work.
Speaker 1: I know you had mentioned you're having vivid dreams. I
Speaker 1: would be curious about any dreams having I've always I've
Speaker 1: always had vivid dreams, no matter what time of year
Speaker 1: it is or how old I was. Ever since I
Speaker 1: can remember, I've always had these crazy vivid dreams. But um,
Speaker 1: but yeah, we should, we should look into that. And
Speaker 1: I know you have a website. It's www dot Hewitt
Speaker 1: m FT dot com. Is that right? Yep? Cool? So
Speaker 1: for our listeners out there if they want to check
Speaker 1: it out and and you know, read a little bit
Speaker 1: more about Hilly hewittt, be sure to check out our
Speaker 1: website www. Dot Hewitt m FT dot com. Um, Hilly,
Speaker 1: is there anything else you'd like to tell our listeners
Speaker 1: before we before we get you off the phone, be
Speaker 1: gentle with yourself. You're doing great, your whole exactly as
Speaker 1: you are. I love it. Thank you. It's all about
Speaker 1: self compassion and I definitely am an advocate for that
Speaker 1: message as well. Um, Hally, Well, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for the time. It's always a pleasure to have intelligent
Speaker 1: and thoughtful and mindful people like you on the podcast. Um,
Speaker 1: and hopefully we'll see you next week. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: if we'll be able to get you in here, but
Speaker 1: if we are, that being incredible, and if not, we'll
Speaker 1: just be sure to speak later on great Thanks for
Speaker 1: having me everyone, Thank you have a great day. Thanks well,
Speaker 1: that was that was great self compassion super important. That
Speaker 1: we're important. You want to know else is important and
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Speaker 1: love it if you give it a chance. We're flying
Speaker 1: to Vegas in a couple of weeks for the I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio Music Festival. I cannot wait. Um, we'll be
Speaker 1: a bunch more fun than Bally. You guys still Vanessa Taylor,
Speaker 1: I know you have to leave you. I'm so sad.
Speaker 1: I wish I can get to the emails with you. Guys.
Speaker 1: What you really wish you could have is Dean's gonna
Speaker 1: about to eat an onion like an apple? So oh yes,
Speaker 1: why why would you do that? I thought you tweeked
Speaker 1: about about. Last night. I was munching on an onion
Speaker 1: out of the refrigerator and I was like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I love onions. I love onions. Onions. Well, it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be cooked. I think I can eat onion
Speaker 1: or a red onion. It's a purple onion, yeah red onions? Okay, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I could eat a raw red onion, the whole thing
Speaker 1: that I will bite into it. And so Tanya's gonna
Speaker 1: sit down with me. We're going to discuss emails while
Speaker 1: I eat onion. And I don't know, I don't I
Speaker 1: didn't really plan on doing it, but I was like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I think I could do it, and
Speaker 1: so I want to see if I can mind over matter.
Speaker 1: I believe in you. Anyways, you guys are the best.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being in studio. So I
Speaker 1: love when you're in studio. You sound so crisp and clear,
Speaker 1: and I love doing this to you guys, Virgin Radio
Speaker 1: and Taylor. Thank you Virgin Radio Montreal though, because they're
Speaker 1: the ones that like hooked up the studio. So thank
Speaker 1: you guys, Virgin Radio Montreal. You're the best. Um, be
Speaker 1: sure you guys have a blast and BALLI will miss
Speaker 1: you while you're gone. Maybe we can give you a
Speaker 1: call while you're out there and hear some more about
Speaker 1: Taylor's Um. How Ottawa is tonight, yeah yes, yes uh?
Speaker 1: And Vanessa, hopefully you find an incredible hang out with Yeah.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's just keeping things very proud. I wouldn't be surprised,
Speaker 1: will not be surprised. Um, okay, guys, well, thank you
Speaker 1: so much again. Have a have a safe flight, have
Speaker 1: fun on your trip, and we'll talk to you soon.
Speaker 1: You Okay, So Tany is here and you guys have
Speaker 1: a date coming out. So I want to lockdown some
Speaker 1: details before this date happens because a lot of people
Speaker 1: are excited about this date and I am one of them,
Speaker 1: and i'm one of them too. Well, first and form,
Speaker 1: i'd like to thank Tanya for bringing me a raw onion.
Speaker 1: I think we end with the onion. I think that's well.
Speaker 1: I don't I plan on like eating it over the
Speaker 1: course of twenty minutes. I'm not gonna just yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1: It would get a little old deft for a while. Okay,
Speaker 1: well let's let's I'm not going to just munch you
Speaker 1: as quick as I can. If the tweet was pretty sure,
Speaker 1: I could eat no onion like an apple if someone
Speaker 1: dared me too, I won't, but I could pretty sure.
Speaker 1: So now we're daring you too. Well, it's not even
Speaker 1: that I was just it's like a self there, okay, right,
Speaker 1: is that your phone ringing? So I've eaten a lemon
Speaker 1: like an apple before, Like with the peel and everything.
Speaker 1: Why did you eat a lemon like an apple? Lemons
Speaker 1: are delicious and I like the peels quite a bit.
Speaker 1: It tastes really good, so I think all the all
Speaker 1: the vitamins are in the peel. Anyway, question, since you
Speaker 1: did that, have you eaten another lemon like an apple?
Speaker 1: So this is like a regular thing that you do.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't say it's a regular thing. It's really bad
Speaker 1: for your teeth and almel, but it is something that
Speaker 1: I've done. So I understand eating non apple fruits well.
Speaker 1: And here's the vegetables. I don't who was that told
Speaker 1: us which foods are allowed to be eaten with your
Speaker 1: hands as a whole, like like a hand fruit, like
Speaker 1: a hand fruit. Yeah, some fruits are hand fruits, by
Speaker 1: the way, my daddy's apples the whole thing is. I
Speaker 1: always found that interesting. And oranges too with the peel.
Speaker 1: What about bananas? Can you guys eat banana pels? To?
Speaker 1: Do you think your father eats banana peels? Oh? That's
Speaker 1: the line. That's where the line is. Orange feels fine.
Speaker 1: I have heard that watermelon seeds have almost every nutrient
Speaker 1: you can name, and you should be you should not
Speaker 1: leave them behind, but then they grow watermelons in your belt.
Speaker 1: That's actually not true. That Rugrats episode you remember that? Yeah, cute?
Speaker 1: When is the day? It doesn't seem to think I'm
Speaker 1: being serious about this? I don't. That's correct, she does
Speaker 1: not think that, And you know what, I'm very deeply
Speaker 1: upset by that. I'm not. But why why don't you
Speaker 1: think I'm being serious about it? Because you're like always
Speaker 1: giving this weird like squinty side eye. You're like, what
Speaker 1: are you? What are you up to? I don't know,
Speaker 1: because I guess. I mean, I've known you for so long.
Speaker 1: So why did you not ask me out a year ago?
Speaker 1: Why is it on me t ask you out? Why
Speaker 1: didn't you ask me out a year ago? Oh? Well,
Speaker 1: I didn't ask you out. This time? You did, and
Speaker 1: I did. I was one that brought it up, That's
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I don't know the time. You seem
Speaker 1: to think that if the guy is interested, he will
Speaker 1: aberately ask someone out. You discussed this recently, and I
Speaker 1: don't think that's true. I think guys will sit on it.
Speaker 1: They'll sit on that desire, wait for a big opportunity,
Speaker 1: because guys are afraid of rejection. Yeah, guys are definitely
Speaker 1: afraid of rejection. I don't know if that was necessarily
Speaker 1: the case, not that I wasn't afraid of rejection, because
Speaker 1: I certainly am, but I don't know you. I'm not
Speaker 1: normally one to make the first move regardless of fear
Speaker 1: of rejection or not. Asking someone on a day is
Speaker 1: very rare for me, So this is rare. You certainly
Speaker 1: are a special, rare little bird. And I'm sure the
Speaker 1: date might suck it that's the spirit, but it might
Speaker 1: be great too. I am excited because I really was
Speaker 1: thinking about it. I feel like I've never spent a
Speaker 1: loone time with you. No, it's always been in group
Speaker 1: setting upsettings. But I feel like I know you really well.
Speaker 1: I think you have an idea of me, and I
Speaker 1: think I'm different in group settings, and when I am
Speaker 1: in a one on one setting really to a varying degree.
Speaker 1: Like I think when I'm in a group setting, I
Speaker 1: kind of like to let other people talk and do
Speaker 1: their thing, and I kind of just like hang out
Speaker 1: and like maybe i'd like um supplemental words as the
Speaker 1: conversation moves along, but I never really like have full
Speaker 1: on conversations with people one on one in group settings
Speaker 1: like that. So it'll be interesting because I stay with you,
Speaker 1: I mean not so much same with you, but like
Speaker 1: I haven't had to have a chance to sit down
Speaker 1: and have to a one on one conversation with you
Speaker 1: because we've always been in those group settings. So tomorrow
Speaker 1: night is the date. Wednesday night? Wednesday night. What time
Speaker 1: is this happening. I'm picking her up at six thirty
Speaker 1: from our house in Santa Monica, which I really appreciate
Speaker 1: the time. That is nice. Six Good for you early enough,
Speaker 1: you have to get up early in the morning. Nothing
Speaker 1: I hate more than when a guy ask men on
Speaker 1: a date and asks for like nine. That's a little
Speaker 1: bit too presumptive of I think it's presumptuous in a
Speaker 1: sense like Okay, let's go out and it'll be a
Speaker 1: late nine pm and then we'll get you back like eleven.
Speaker 1: And what are we doing because we don't be specific
Speaker 1: because we don't want an audience for you guys. But
Speaker 1: we're talking dinner? Are we talking? What are we talking? Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take her out to dinner. I'm gonna pick
Speaker 1: her up. Where are we going? Where are you asked
Speaker 1: to go? You said you wanted to go, We're gonna go. Okay.
Speaker 1: The thing with Wednesday nights in Santa Monica is there's
Speaker 1: a Pure concert there every week. Oh yeah, which it
Speaker 1: might be a little aggressive for the first date, but
Speaker 1: I would be open to the idea of attending. Why
Speaker 1: is that aggressive, Well, just because dinner's gonna be an
Speaker 1: hour and a half long, right, will be in the area.
Speaker 1: Dinner is like like an hour and a half long. And
Speaker 1: then I want to get you at home by a
Speaker 1: reasonable hour, like nine at the latest. I understand you
Speaker 1: have early mornings with Ryan Seacrest. It's very nice, very
Speaker 1: considerate dude, and I would I could be by ten, okay.
Speaker 1: Like I have a lot of friends that will be
Speaker 1: at the Pure concert. I'm uncertain about whether I should.
Speaker 1: I want to introduce you my friends, but I'm uncertain
Speaker 1: of whether that's appropriate or not. I don't know if
Speaker 1: that is Like if I bring you into like a
Speaker 1: crowd of like one of my friends, I think they
Speaker 1: might be a little much for a first dage, Like
Speaker 1: it's too aggressive. I just don't handle. I don't want
Speaker 1: to make of course you could. I don't want to
Speaker 1: make you feel uncomfortable. So it's there's a lot of
Speaker 1: things that I'm kind of trying to think. I'm trying
Speaker 1: to figure out what to where should I wear a tie?
Speaker 1: What kind of flowers should I get? Here? Probably not
Speaker 1: a tie flowers? Yes you Betty? Who is performing tomorrow
Speaker 1: night at the Pier. So the thing with pier concerts
Speaker 1: is you never really go for the music. You can't
Speaker 1: just go for them. Yeah, but I'd go for the music.
Speaker 1: This is that's pretty good. Yeah, maybe you can get
Speaker 1: us backstage? All right, here we go. Here comes the
Speaker 1: first butt of the onion. Here comes I don't know
Speaker 1: why I haven't in the sooner. This is delicious. While
Speaker 1: you eat that disgust, I'm going to give you this
Speaker 1: first email. Okay, so while you chew, let's all ponder.
Speaker 1: Let's chew over this. And I'm supposed to kiss you tomorrow.
Speaker 1: He'll brush your teeth before tomorrow. Who says it's gonna
Speaker 1: end in a kiss? Oh? I mean it has to
Speaker 1: go well for both of us. I feel like that's
Speaker 1: we shouldn't assume a kiss. That's true. I don't give
Speaker 1: him away like Halloween Candy, Tara has an email. I
Speaker 1: started seeing someone recently. I've known a few years through
Speaker 1: a mutual friend. I was in relationship for five years
Speaker 1: with my ex, so this new guy was never on
Speaker 1: my radar until recently. We ran into each other, but
Speaker 1: he started catching up. But I'm having a blast with him.
Speaker 1: Such a nice guy. He impresses me more every day.
Speaker 1: Here's the pickle. He and his girlfriend of two years
Speaker 1: just broke up less than a month ago. He's still
Speaker 1: moving out of their house because they lived together. It's
Speaker 1: not a place in his life. He says. I want
Speaker 1: to know that I'm not wasting my time seeing someone
Speaker 1: who's not ready for something new. He says, let's just
Speaker 1: take it day by day and enjoy where this is going. Question,
Speaker 1: is it possible to move on that quickly after a breakup,
Speaker 1: Even if someone says they're okay, they're ready to date.
Speaker 1: What is the appropriate time to heal before jumping in
Speaker 1: head first. I don't want to put myself in a
Speaker 1: place to get hurt by someone who's not ready. I'm
Speaker 1: twenty six, he's twenty eight. That's Tara. I don't think
Speaker 1: it's too soon, and personally, are you crazy? Everyone grieves differently.
Speaker 1: Two years It years is a long time, yeah, less
Speaker 1: than a month ago. It takes half the amount of time. No,
Speaker 1: you can't just apply that rule to every relation you can.
Speaker 1: And so she's questioning whether it's too soon for him.
Speaker 1: I don't think he really think she has the place
Speaker 1: to make that judgment call for him. She's protecting herself
Speaker 1: because he she thinks he might still be hung up
Speaker 1: on his ax. Yeah, she's a modern woman, which is fantastic,
Speaker 1: But also I don't think it's her right or her
Speaker 1: place to be saying, oh, it's too soon for him.
Speaker 1: If he's ready and then he asked you on a date,
Speaker 1: then I think he's ready and he or is he
Speaker 1: just telling himself that he's ready because he likes her
Speaker 1: and he wants a date her. But he's really genuinely
Speaker 1: not healed. And even if he's not fully healed, I
Speaker 1: think part of the healing process is going on dates
Speaker 1: with other people. Oh, and she doesn't want to be
Speaker 1: that girl. She's not that girl, but maybe she can
Speaker 1: be the girl that like helps him. It's not a
Speaker 1: bad thing, I don't think personally, I think that she
Speaker 1: shouldn't be concerned at all, especially the age twenty. I
Speaker 1: think they're at the age where he's twenty eight. He
Speaker 1: if you just got out of a long term relationship
Speaker 1: and he's serious about being in a relationship, he'll want
Speaker 1: to be on the look a like pursuance of that.
Speaker 1: He doesn't want to waste his time again. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm almost twenty eight, and if he wants to be
Speaker 1: in a relationship, he shouldn't have to waste his time
Speaker 1: to grieve the breakup. He should be gung hall about
Speaker 1: getting into that relationship. We don't know the circumstances of
Speaker 1: the brick up. Maybe he broke up with her, maybe
Speaker 1: she cheated on him. Like, we have no idea what's
Speaker 1: going on there um, But I think to me the
Speaker 1: key was he's telling me to take things day by
Speaker 1: day and enjoy where this is going. And to me
Speaker 1: that it's the healthiest way to do an early relationship.
Speaker 1: It's just take it day by day and see where
Speaker 1: it goes. Right. We don't need to put the card
Speaker 1: before the horse. We don't need to decide this is
Speaker 1: a year multi year relationship. It's a it's day by day.
Speaker 1: If you want to wait till he moves out completely,
Speaker 1: that seems reasonable to me. I missed that part that
Speaker 1: they were living together, right, and in the process of
Speaker 1: moving out, I missed that part. I think it's fine
Speaker 1: to wait until he's out, But then I think taking
Speaker 1: it day by day he says he's enjoying wor it
Speaker 1: is going you enjoy it too. I think that's the
Speaker 1: healthiest way to continue this. Here's what we're so guilty of, too,
Speaker 1: is we here's had a phone call. Yeah, we always
Speaker 1: you have to put your phone away during our day,
Speaker 1: by the way, absolutely well, but I still want to
Speaker 1: be able to record our chemistry. Um. What I think
Speaker 1: we're so guilty of as a generation is we put
Speaker 1: so much pressure on a relationship or a non relationship
Speaker 1: so early you go on three or four or five dates,
Speaker 1: and then you start to ask yourself, okay, like where
Speaker 1: is this going to go? Is this someone that I
Speaker 1: can begin to see myself, like introducing my family, that
Speaker 1: type of stuff, which I understand the utility in that,
Speaker 1: but I also think it can be kind of it
Speaker 1: can take away from the counterproductive. It takes away from
Speaker 1: the relationship in a sense. It's like, okay, like I've
Speaker 1: known this guy for you know, X amount of time,
Speaker 1: a few weeks, a month or so, and now I'm
Speaker 1: gonna put all this pressure on it by thinking about
Speaker 1: what the future might hold for us when it's like,
Speaker 1: like Mark said, just take it day by day and
Speaker 1: let it unfold naturally. This is true, but it's when
Speaker 1: you start to gains those feelings and that's when you
Speaker 1: start to ask those questions because you realize, man, I
Speaker 1: am really vulnerable right now. And that's Terra's biggest fear.
Speaker 1: I think. I think that there's no issue agreed. Once
Speaker 1: he fully moves out from his ex's apartment, then you
Speaker 1: can be totally okay with it. I think timeline, I
Speaker 1: think half of the time that they were together to
Speaker 1: get over a breakup is just the most erroneous thing
Speaker 1: that you could possibly think of. It just it just
Speaker 1: doesn't make sense to me. I think you could date
Speaker 1: someone for five years, you're gonna say it takes you
Speaker 1: have to be single for two and a half years
Speaker 1: after that? No way. I don't agree with that. Not
Speaker 1: single in terms of like not dating, but I think
Speaker 1: dating around and giving herself some time. So you don't
Speaker 1: think you should be in a relationship for two and
Speaker 1: a half years after a five year relationship, I mean,
Speaker 1: not necessarily, but kind of he's on her heels, she's
Speaker 1: back pedaling already. I think that just such a bad
Speaker 1: could be the one, This guy could be the one
Speaker 1: you never know. And right and now, if she's sitting
Speaker 1: there thinking about, oh I didn't give myself him enough time,
Speaker 1: I don't know. I think go for it. I think
Speaker 1: it's not your place to say whether or not he's
Speaker 1: over it, and I think that you should just go
Speaker 1: for it. I agree. How did the smell over there? Tiny?
Speaker 1: Because I'm getting a pretty strong and you're a lot
Speaker 1: closer to mean than I am. I have another bite
Speaker 1: right to the mic, right, get it really right in there? Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is from Laken. Do you know how gassy that's
Speaker 1: gonna make you? Onions? Make you super gassy? I don't
Speaker 1: do they really? Yeah? I just learned that from Mycloniconic,
Speaker 1: by the way, and four bites in, there's no going
Speaker 1: back now. Uh, here's Laken's problem. After college, I moved
Speaker 1: back to my small Texas town where literally everyone went
Speaker 1: to high school with his married two to three kids.
Speaker 1: Because of that and being a basic female who has
Speaker 1: dreamed of getting married my whole life, I settled. I
Speaker 1: got engaged and married to a guy who couldn't have
Speaker 1: been more wrong for me. Long story short, the marriage
Speaker 1: was over well before I started. In less than a
Speaker 1: year after the wedding, it was annulled. Thing. Now, at
Speaker 1: twenty eight, I'm a year and a half out of
Speaker 1: that situation, gone on several days, but I'm always scared
Speaker 1: to mention this. It's not something I mentioned on the
Speaker 1: first day. But do do I need to? Should I
Speaker 1: be honest with everybody about the fact that I went
Speaker 1: through an annulment. I was married before it was quickly annulled.
Speaker 1: But I feel like that's baggage and great guys are
Speaker 1: gonna look at that as a red flag. Is it baggage?
Speaker 1: Is it a red flag? She wants to know from
Speaker 1: the guy's perspective, Dean single guy out on the town,
Speaker 1: meet a girl, she's great, having a great time, and
Speaker 1: oh she was married and got it annulled. It's definitely
Speaker 1: not baggage. There's no way that that would ever be baggage.
Speaker 1: It's definitely something worth speaking about. I feel like though,
Speaker 1: it definitely wouldn't hinder anyone being interested and if they
Speaker 1: if it does remove someone's interest in you, then they're
Speaker 1: probably not the right person. For you anyways, But I mean,
Speaker 1: who cares. I think it's kind of like how everybody
Speaker 1: says everybody when I dated a guy that was divorced,
Speaker 1: and I prefer a divorced guy over and like forty
Speaker 1: something and never married, because I was like, I think
Speaker 1: it just shows that he's not afraid of commitment instead
Speaker 1: of somebody that's forty something and never been married. And
Speaker 1: I feel like there's a little bit of a something there.
Speaker 1: So I think to her, like the fact that she
Speaker 1: was married just shows that she wants marriage. It just
Speaker 1: wasn't the right guy. And I think it's your approach
Speaker 1: to it too. I think when you look at something
Speaker 1: as baggage, that's how you're going to like portray it
Speaker 1: when you're on a date. But I think if you
Speaker 1: look at it as just something that's part of your past,
Speaker 1: like everybody has a past, everyone's made mistakes, and everyone's
Speaker 1: had long term relationships usually in the past. This one
Speaker 1: just went one step farther than everyone else's. And the
Speaker 1: fact that it was annulled means it was just you
Speaker 1: both agree it was a huge mistake. It's different from
Speaker 1: a divorce. I don't understand what the difference is. I
Speaker 1: thought annulment was less than a year. I'm not sure
Speaker 1: what the rules of annulment are. To be honest, I
Speaker 1: think it's like has to be within a certain window anyways,
Speaker 1: more or a story. It's not baggage. How long do
Speaker 1: you think she should wait till she tells guys about it?
Speaker 1: The first date, second, third date, second or third age? Yeah,
Speaker 1: not the first. So she's comfortable enough with them, Yeah,
Speaker 1: feel him on a little bit. And I like the
Speaker 1: idea that if you see it as baggage, they will
Speaker 1: see it as baggage. If you just own it as
Speaker 1: just part of your past, that's how they will see it.
Speaker 1: I will never forget the advice I got from U
Speaker 1: with You Hussey, who said, Um, there was a single mom.
Speaker 1: She had two kids, and she always looked at her
Speaker 1: kids because she didn't they didn't know that when they
Speaker 1: she would go out on dates and the guy didn't
Speaker 1: know she had kids, and she was always scared to
Speaker 1: tell them because she thought it was baggage. And he said,
Speaker 1: first of all, they're your children. They're not baggage. But
Speaker 1: it's the way that you say it. And so if
Speaker 1: you are on a date and you say, oh, my gosh,
Speaker 1: you have the greatest dimples. They look just like my son's.
Speaker 1: So you like weave it into conversation without saying I
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't know if I like that idea
Speaker 1: very much. You don't like that, not really, because then
Speaker 1: you're like, wait, wait, wait, backtrack for a second. You're what,
Speaker 1: why didn't you tell me about this explicitly instead of
Speaker 1: trying to like give me a little context clues to
Speaker 1: pick up on. I don't like that you don't like that.
Speaker 1: That was the best advice. I would not hear another
Speaker 1: word you said as long as you kept talking, like
Speaker 1: did you just say she has a son? I think
Speaker 1: that works when you're like, you're not sure if you're
Speaker 1: being hit on and you have a boyfriend. But like
Speaker 1: a major because kids. I thought it was like nonchalant,
Speaker 1: like because kids are definitely not baggage. But it is
Speaker 1: definitely a major talking point that needs to be addressed, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: it needs to be addressed. It's not something you casually
Speaker 1: throw in there. Shoot, I've been like preaching this like,
Speaker 1: I mean, teach their own I think that's clearly we're
Speaker 1: very opposite right now. In our opposite tract, I do
Speaker 1: have to say my dad is a fan of Dean already, yes,
Speaker 1: because he just first of all, he's never once watched
Speaker 1: The Bachelor, has no idea, but he listened to the
Speaker 1: podcast that Dean was on. Oh he did last week
Speaker 1: scrubbing him, Yes, and that's when he was like that
Speaker 1: boy made some really some great points and you were
Speaker 1: just like went in. And it's funny that this has
Speaker 1: helped by second dating and that was scrubbing in. But
Speaker 1: it's all the three of us in the room and
Speaker 1: YouTube Florida and be moderating the flirt. It's kind of
Speaker 1: funny that those are two separate podcasts. Who is this girl?
Speaker 1: So cording this on his phone and he keeps getting
Speaker 1: calls from a girl and it's kind of bothering a girl.
Speaker 1: It's a girl and my friend who are at lunch
Speaker 1: right now, who I'm meeting up with after this, and
Speaker 1: they're probably wondering where I am? Where are you? See?
Speaker 1: This is not a girl, This is my roommates. Don't
Speaker 1: they get the hint? How many phone calls do you
Speaker 1: have to ignore you doing a podcast? I do like
Speaker 1: the conversation of forty and unmarried or forty and divorced,
Speaker 1: which is more preferable. I do like that topic. That
Speaker 1: is interesting. Really quick, I want you to take on this.
Speaker 1: When I was eighteen, idated a young lady that was
Speaker 1: married but they were broken up. They just couldn't afford
Speaker 1: to get divorced. He was he lived in New York,
Speaker 1: and she like she moved out here. And that made
Speaker 1: me like, like it was like, you know, I was eighteen,
Speaker 1: she was like twenty one. It was exciting, you know,
Speaker 1: but uh, that's that's weird, right, Like I shouldn't be
Speaker 1: teen and married and separated. She was twenty when I
Speaker 1: was eighteen. Yeah, so they got married or made for
Speaker 1: like a year and they're like, yeah, this isn't working.
Speaker 1: And then I just went their separate ways but couldn't.
Speaker 1: Like she told me like, oh we just haven't gotten
Speaker 1: divorce yet. Too huge paints, super expensive, and I just
Speaker 1: you know, we did it for like a year or two.
Speaker 1: Did you ever meet him, Yeah, yeah I did. I
Speaker 1: met him. I met him before they had gotten married.
Speaker 1: Actually I saw I knew him from before, and you
Speaker 1: still went after her wheels within wheels. Yes, weren't friends,
Speaker 1: you just knew each other. No, I just yeah, we
Speaker 1: worked at the same movie theater. You must know that
Speaker 1: a special bond will never understand fully exactly exactly like
Speaker 1: it's like a veteran coo divorce. I think. I think
Speaker 1: if I were forty years old and single, I would
Speaker 1: have rather been married and divorced. Although that's something I
Speaker 1: never ever want, I think that would be preferable. Is
Speaker 1: there anything about a divorce that just gives you pause? Like?
Speaker 1: Is it tell you that maybe he can't sustain a
Speaker 1: long term relationship? What was it about his wife that
Speaker 1: eats onions like apple? Here we go? Is the divorce
Speaker 1: a negative at all? Or it's just not as much
Speaker 1: of a negative as never married? Yes, but I think
Speaker 1: that there's You can ask that question about anything that's true. Honestly,
Speaker 1: I would prefer a divorced forty year old than a
Speaker 1: single forty because you have gone out with some forty
Speaker 1: some things who are never married, and you have to
Speaker 1: wonder about that, don't you. You do and it always
Speaker 1: comes to light. Yeah, I know this is a question
Speaker 1: that I shouldn't be asked, But how old are you? Okay?
Speaker 1: Do you date younger men? Ever? You can ask me
Speaker 1: that I'm not embarrassed by me you're beautiful, for one,
Speaker 1: I mean granted, not that not that that obviously needs
Speaker 1: to be said. I literally was going to guess that
Speaker 1: you were younger than me. I thought you were Fatty's
Speaker 1: face right now. I thought you were going to be
Speaker 1: let's just admit all of this from the podcast. My
Speaker 1: mind is focused on the onion. I can't think clearly.
Speaker 1: Um no, I'm not telling you. I literally thought you
Speaker 1: were younger than me, and that's the compliment. Yes, it
Speaker 1: was in the hallway there when it was my birthday,
Speaker 1: was leaving and I had balloons and one of those
Speaker 1: sales people were like, turning twenty three. I was like, no,
Speaker 1: one more email. This is a tough one. It's an
Speaker 1: anonymous email. Her boyfriend and her have been together for
Speaker 1: ten years. All of her friends are married with children,
Speaker 1: something they want so badly. They talk about marriage. Oh yeah, there,
Speaker 1: they talk about marriage, but there is no progression towards that.
Speaker 1: I've introduced both of his brothers to their now wives,
Speaker 1: and yet there's still no progress on our part. I
Speaker 1: love him so much, but there are things that scare
Speaker 1: me about our future. Ten years they've been together. Are
Speaker 1: you too listening or just flirting? Over there because I
Speaker 1: feel like there's not much listening happening and a lot
Speaker 1: of flirting. And he just grabbed my hand and it
Speaker 1: smells like onion. She goes to church every Sunday, but
Speaker 1: he won't go with her. I don't want to beat
Speaker 1: the girl with her kids alone at church in the future.
Speaker 1: And by the way, that is a big thing. Anyway. Recently,
Speaker 1: a guy from my church and I have become great friends.
Speaker 1: And that's all it was at first, but now I
Speaker 1: think we begin to catch feelings and he has expressed
Speaker 1: to me how interested he is in me. We tell
Speaker 1: because now almost daily and I've been very deep conversations
Speaker 1: about what we want out of life. He's such a
Speaker 1: great guy. Our morals matchup completely. He's hilarious, which is
Speaker 1: a plus. He's so good looking. Has made me feel
Speaker 1: a way I didn't know it's possible. I have never
Speaker 1: in ten years with my boyfriend cheated or even thought
Speaker 1: about another guy. But this guy makes me a question everything.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm just starting to present my
Speaker 1: boyfriend or if I really could potentially have something with
Speaker 1: church guy. Should I stay with my boyfriend of ten
Speaker 1: years and keep waiting and not know if we'll ever
Speaker 1: get married, or should I break up with my boyfriend
Speaker 1: of ten years and change my whole life to try
Speaker 1: things with Church guy. I'm twenty nine, My boyfriend and
Speaker 1: church Guy are both thirty three. There's a tough one
Speaker 1: to me ahead A couple of concerns that I have
Speaker 1: in this whole situation a boyfriend of ten years. Concern
Speaker 1: how are you going to have a boyfriend for ten
Speaker 1: years if you're after three years and you're still not
Speaker 1: engaged and the conversations aren't happening. Ten years is a
Speaker 1: long time. A long time. What red flag number one,
Speaker 1: red flag number two I have with Church Guy is
Speaker 1: it's very easy to be the other guy and be
Speaker 1: very complimentary of the other person. And if there's the
Speaker 1: compliments are what you responded to the most. I don't
Speaker 1: think that there is much um continuity that later on.
Speaker 1: Like like I said, it's very easy to be this
Speaker 1: other guy and say all the right things, because maybe
Speaker 1: she's getting something different from him than she has from
Speaker 1: her boyfriend of ten years. Um, I think there's probably
Speaker 1: has to get that attention which she hasn't gotten in
Speaker 1: a long time. It sounds like from her boyfriend or
Speaker 1: anybody else, right. I mean, I appreciate the consistency that
Speaker 1: she like, she goes to church with this guy, and
Speaker 1: maybe he's nice to her and all that kind of stuff,
Speaker 1: But I don't think it's worth throwing away a relationship
Speaker 1: of ten years red flags and all, even though like
Speaker 1: you shouldn't boyfriend go friend for ten years? Just too
Speaker 1: much my opinion, that's all I have to say. Okay,
Speaker 1: but those are kind of conflicting things you just said.
Speaker 1: I know, I think that she needs to dump you
Speaker 1: are a dichoty dumping boy. Well the thirty one year
Speaker 1: old uh has some good advice here, I think. I
Speaker 1: think that if you've been with this guy, pretend years,
Speaker 1: and you haven't married him, and you're already having these
Speaker 1: reservations about not going like not going to church with him,
Speaker 1: not bringing your kids, like being the single mom with
Speaker 1: the kids or whatever. Um, I think and this is
Speaker 1: a bold move, but I really believe that ending this
Speaker 1: tenure relationship and exploring this new one could have potential.
Speaker 1: I agree. My concern is that church guy is clouding
Speaker 1: her judgment of her current situation and making it seem
Speaker 1: worse than it is. And I feel like she needs
Speaker 1: to analyze her current relationship without the outside influence because
Speaker 1: that's not going to help it. She needs to determine
Speaker 1: if this is worth pursuing. It's gonna be a lot
Speaker 1: of conversations, it's gonna be hard, but this needs to
Speaker 1: survive or end on its own merits before we explore
Speaker 1: anything with anybody else. But here's that's the best advice.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. And she ends the relationship with
Speaker 1: her boyfriend, chases this guy that goes to church with her,
Speaker 1: and then breaks up with him for whatever reason because
Speaker 1: he's not the guy that she thought he was. Then
Speaker 1: she's going to forever regret throwing away the relationship with
Speaker 1: not necessarily because this doesn't sound like a great relationships.
Speaker 1: But that's why I'm saying it needs a succeuter fail
Speaker 1: on its own merits. If it failed out its own merits,
Speaker 1: then you're free to look at anything else and you're
Speaker 1: not gonna regret what happened with the ten year guy.
Speaker 1: You might regret regret and lost years. So church guy
Speaker 1: removed from the situation. That relationship should play it as
Speaker 1: it may, and if it fails, then church guy becomes
Speaker 1: an option. How does that work. Yeah, it becomes an
Speaker 1: option eventually, eventually, but he shouldn't. You should kind of.
Speaker 1: I think she should get him out of her mind
Speaker 1: right now. And really, if this were to end, it
Speaker 1: shouldn't make you shouldn't call him the next day. That's
Speaker 1: actually a very strong point, that is that's the best advice.
Speaker 1: I agree. Well, thank you you're so smart. Mark. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, thank you. I appreciate that. I've learned a
Speaker 1: lot doing these podcasts. But it's true. You have to
Speaker 1: just analyze this, like the relationship that you're in without
Speaker 1: any voices like outside, figure out what you want to
Speaker 1: do with that, and then proceed there. Both of his
Speaker 1: brothers to their current wives. And she still can't get
Speaker 1: the ring from this guy. It's not great. Ten years now,
Speaker 1: she's twenty nine. So in nineteen they started dating. So
Speaker 1: I understand that didn't happen the first three or four years,
Speaker 1: but now it's time to uh, what's the phrase, or
Speaker 1: get off the pot? Yeah, pony up or get off
Speaker 1: the boat. That's what they say. That's what they say.
Speaker 1: All right, how's that onion? Ah? I couldn't get through it.
Speaker 1: Oh no, how half of it? Maybe? Yeah, it's just
Speaker 1: just a little a lot for the palette, and Tanya
Speaker 1: kept looking at me weird the entire time. I just
Speaker 1: maybe in like a in a more private setting. Maybe
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go home and just on on my couch.
Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to hurt your stomach. I'm
Speaker 1: worried about that now. I wonder what I should eat
Speaker 1: now to curb the like the uneasiness in my stomach
Speaker 1: that I might get which or might not get. I
Speaker 1: think I have very good uh gut, because I eat
Speaker 1: a lot of crap and I'm usually okay. So we'll see,
Speaker 1: but more of a story. I could even onion like
Speaker 1: an apple. I just chose not to today because Tanya
Speaker 1: is here and we're going on a date tomorrow. I
Speaker 1: don't want her to look at me through onion glasses.
Speaker 1: Already saw it dinner concert. I like it. Yeah, what
Speaker 1: are you gonna wear it? Tanya? I don't know. I'm excited.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be fun, and even if it's not fun,
Speaker 1: it'll still be. It's going to be so fun. It's
Speaker 1: going to be so fun. Are you kidding? Anyways? What
Speaker 1: do you think the chances are, Tanya? On a percentage
Speaker 1: scale of the kiss at the end of the night. Okay,
Speaker 1: what are the chances of a makeout session? Wow? If
Speaker 1: it's really good, are you gonna drink at dinner? Yeah,
Speaker 1: a drink? A drink. Okay, I wasn't planning on it,
Speaker 1: but I guess I could have as well. Session. I'll
Speaker 1: go pro makeout. That's great. Anyways, I would like to
Speaker 1: first and I guess I'd like to end by thanking
Speaker 1: everyone for listening to this podcast. Big thank you to
Speaker 1: our sponsors homesick. Be sure to get to your home
Speaker 1: centered candle at homesick dot com by using codean for
Speaker 1: free shipping. It's been it's helping. The onion stands you
Speaker 1: really is just helping in general. Maybe when I bring
Speaker 1: you home to Colorado to meet my brothers, you can
Speaker 1: enjoy that scent in real life. Like I still, I
Speaker 1: just have so many questions. Big big thank you to
Speaker 1: Jet sweet X for being a sponsor on the podcast
Speaker 1: and for offering airlines all the air with no lines.
Speaker 1: Big thank you to Vanessa and Taylor for calling in,
Speaker 1: and of course, of course, how could we forget Hayley
Speaker 1: for calling in. Haley Hewett. Ladies and gentlemen, be sure
Speaker 1: to check out her website www. Dot Hewitt m FT
Speaker 1: dot com. Maybe we'll have around next week to do
Speaker 1: some brainspoting. That's been pretty cool. Um anyways, and Tania Antania,
Speaker 1: of course, how could we forget Tanya stepped in, Vanessa
Speaker 1: had to go Townia happened to be around. So just
Speaker 1: always a light in this dark room that is the past.
Speaker 1: That's very nice, and big thank you to Mark Easton
Speaker 1: and Tory for sharing her father's onion or orange eating
Speaker 1: abilities that I'll do it for this week's episode of
Speaker 1: Help I Suck At Dating. My name is Dean Unglert
Speaker 1: and maybe next week, according to Tanya, I might suck
Speaker 1: a little bit less. Follow help by Suck At Dating
Speaker 1: with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart Radio or
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to podcast