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Speaker 1: All right, break it down.

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Speaker 2: If you ever have feelings that you just won't Amy

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Speaker 2: and Cat got your cob and like a brother, Ladies

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Speaker 2: and folks, do you just follow an the spirit where

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Speaker 2: it's all the front over real stuff to the chill

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Speaker 2: stuff and him.

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Speaker 3: But Swayne, sometimes the best thing you can do it just.

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Speaker 2: Stop you feel things. This is feeling things.

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Speaker 1: With Amy and Cat. Happy Tuesday. Welcome to feeling things.

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Speaker 1: I'm Amy and I'm Cat, and here we are. It

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Speaker 1: is the final horseman. I don't know why every time

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Speaker 1: I tell you when we talk about this, like they

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Speaker 1: see them riding in on their horses. Because today's worse

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Speaker 1: is stonewalling.

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Speaker 3: And he's riding in. I'm saying a word.

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Speaker 1: No, he's just and it doesn't have to be a heat.

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Speaker 1: Women can stonewall.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Cat most likely is a heat.

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Speaker 1: Well, but you told me that you stone wall and

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Speaker 1: I was a little bit shocked, but you were saying

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Speaker 1: you were, Like, it's kind of crazy because doctor Cotman

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Speaker 1: says that what percentage of men do this?

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Speaker 3: Well, stonewallers are eighty percent male? Okay from his resting, Yeah,

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Speaker 3: but doesn't mean that obviously twenty percent and that statistic

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Speaker 3: I think might waiver a little bit, but it shocks you.

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Speaker 3: Because I'm a girl, or because you know me.

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Speaker 1: I have not experienced stone walling from you. So I

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Speaker 1: don't know if this is something you reserve just for

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Speaker 1: your man, you know, inside special for him, just something

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Speaker 1: you like to do to your lover. Yeah, so we'll

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Speaker 1: get into stone walling. But before we do that, you've

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Speaker 1: got our feeling of the day, or your feeling.

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Speaker 3: Of the day. I guess it could be yours. You

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Speaker 3: can well, seemsis.

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Speaker 1: What you're feeling.

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Speaker 3: And I'll tell you I'm feeling playful.

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Speaker 1: I could get on board with that, and I need

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Speaker 1: you to.

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Speaker 3: Get on board with that because I have an activity

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Speaker 3: for us.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, So the gift of your playfulness is that

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Speaker 1: we have an activity.

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Speaker 3: Yes, and every everybody can participate. Okay, this is going

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Speaker 3: to be a gift to you because you can take

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Speaker 3: this out into the world with you. So I was

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Speaker 3: just scrolling Instagram one day, and I think because we

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Speaker 3: talk about conversation cards a lot, maybe I get sometimes

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Speaker 3: these reels or things that are just like questions to

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Speaker 3: ask your partner or anybody. I think this comes from

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Speaker 3: Flamingo app reels. Is the Instagram account. If you go

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Speaker 3: to their account, there's tons of different options of this.

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Speaker 3: But I was scrolling one day and I was about

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Speaker 3: to go. Me and Patrick, we're going to dinner that night.

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Speaker 3: So I saved it and we did it as an

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Speaker 3: activity for dinner. And it was just seven fun, ridiculous

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Speaker 3: questions to ask your partner. But we did them, and

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Speaker 3: I was like, you could do this with you could

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Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be your partner. Some of them

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Speaker 3: it would be.

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Speaker 1: Kind of weird to give your prodcast partner.

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Speaker 3: Yes, sometimes you have to think. So I don't want

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Speaker 3: you to feel pressure to like rapid fire answer these,

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Speaker 3: but I thought we could do them together.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so you're going to answer them as well.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, but it's kind of cheating because I've had time

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Speaker 3: to think about it. It's fine, okay, and I'm going

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Speaker 3: to share something that kind of has to do a

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Speaker 3: stonewalling in one of Patrick's answers.

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Speaker 1: Okay, you know what I was thinking, If like, you're

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Speaker 1: feeling playful and you don't lean into it, you miss

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Speaker 1: out on fun stuff like this.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, what if you were like, I don't feel like

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Speaker 3: it and then not just you miss out everybody misses.

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Speaker 1: Out right, like when you don't pay attention to your playfulness.

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Speaker 3: But sometimes you're not feeling it. So I get that too, Right,

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Speaker 3: If you need time for one of these questions, you

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Speaker 3: can say past and we'll come back to it.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 3: If I disappeared for twenty four hours, where's the first

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Speaker 3: place you would look for me?

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Speaker 1: Well, so you're not at your house, obviously Kat's missing,

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Speaker 1: is okay, I would check your parents' house.

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Speaker 3: Am I? There a lot you're thinking like really logically okay.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but you're not at your office probably Okay.

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Speaker 3: Where I think the point of this question.

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Speaker 1: Is, am I not being playful?

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Speaker 3: I think you're trying to solve a crime right now? Okay,

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Speaker 3: it's hypothetical. Okay. Patrick said he would look for me

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Speaker 3: in the bed because I always want to go to bed. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: I'm in the bed at eight o'clock at night. He

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Speaker 3: was like, you'll be in that. I said, for you,

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Speaker 3: you'd be on a walk me. Yeah, for me, okay,

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Speaker 3: I would look for you at the place that you

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Speaker 3: walk that. I don't want to say out out because.

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Speaker 1: There all the time. Yeah, okay, yeah that's good, all right,

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Speaker 1: I get help. So i'd look for you in bed.

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Speaker 3: Are you having fun?

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Speaker 1: I yes, I guess now that I get the idea

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Speaker 1: of it. I would say that there's but y'all moved,

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Speaker 1: so this wouldn't be you anymore. But if y'all still

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Speaker 1: lived kind of in the area that you lived in, well,

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Speaker 1: I would look for you maybe somewhere one of those

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Speaker 1: places near there where you can like go and drink

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Speaker 1: and play games.

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Speaker 3: Okay, okay, that's a really good answer.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, like card games and stuff.

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Speaker 3: Okay, So at any bars there's like food and stuff

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Speaker 3: to you. Okay, yeah, I.

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Speaker 1: Know there's like sports on during the day.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, okay, that's because you're have a drinking problem.

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Speaker 3: I wasn't thinking that, but okay, okay, I get it.

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Speaker 1: We might have a new listener and that's like at

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Speaker 1: the bar.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, and most of the time when I'm at the bar,

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Speaker 3: I'm playing cards. Okay. Number two, If I got arrested,

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Speaker 3: what crime would you assume I committed? I can answer first.

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Speaker 3: You go first, I said, accidentally stealing something if you

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Speaker 3: didn't ring it up at a self checkout. And my

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Speaker 3: reason is you are very lawful. I don't know if

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Speaker 3: that's right word, but you follow the law I think

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Speaker 3: you're like me and that.

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Speaker 1: If I'm driving with an expired license right now, so

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Speaker 1: I would probably go to jail for that. Okay, Like,

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Speaker 1: I'm way expired, so.

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Speaker 3: You don't have a real I D No, So I

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Speaker 3: guess you're using your passport.

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Speaker 1: To foow Like I'm so expired that I am going

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Speaker 1: to have to take the driver's test to get my license.

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Speaker 3: No, no, no, yeah, how expired? Is that?

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Speaker 1: It's expired enough? Like a few months? Oh, okay, February

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Speaker 1: you read I get that it expired in February, but

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Speaker 1: my even just okay, now I'm clarifying, clarifying it expires

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Speaker 1: and then you have some time to renew it without

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Speaker 1: having to take the test. And yes, and I that's

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying. I've just missed. I'm not that far

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Speaker 1: out from my period where I have to take the test.

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Speaker 3: You have to get in the car with a stranger

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Speaker 3: and do like.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I think it's a written test. I don't think I.

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Speaker 3: Have to do the what do you mean a written test?

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Speaker 3: I have to do the.

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Speaker 1: Written test, not a test test. Okay, Or if I

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Speaker 1: do that, that's fine, I'll be good. Oh wow, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that doesn't scare me.

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Speaker 3: I was so nervous about my driving test. My mom

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Speaker 3: had to you know, most kids are like when they

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Speaker 3: turned sixteen, they're like, Mom, let's go. My mom had

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Speaker 3: to like surprise me one day and be like, we're

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Speaker 3: going to take the driver's test because I wouldn't do it,

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Speaker 3: so I probably would just be like I can't drive anymore.

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Speaker 1: So I'm thinking, like there was injustice somewhere and you, like,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, you did something to try to right

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Speaker 1: or wrong and ended up in jail. Okay, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't know if you're protesting something or like you feel

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Speaker 1: that's like obviously you can legally protest, but something goes

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Speaker 1: terribly wrong and you end up in jail for it.

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Speaker 1: It's it's a huge misunderstanding. But you were just trying,

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Speaker 1: like to help to help. Okay, that ended up in

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Speaker 1: jail because you like for there to be justice.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay, When I'm mad, which cartoon character do I act?

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Speaker 1: Most?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 1: Can you go first?

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Speaker 3: Okay? This was hard. I had to literally google what

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Speaker 3: are cartoon characters that get mad? And this one didn't

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Speaker 3: come up in that, but I did see it and

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Speaker 3: reminded me of you. I'm gonna say Mulan. The reason

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Speaker 3: is one, I just really like Mulan, but when she

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Speaker 3: gets mad, she uses that to like to do something

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Speaker 3: good and like drive her. I feel like when you

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Speaker 3: get mad, you get like, oh, I'm gonna do this

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Speaker 3: anyway or not like break the law, but I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: like I'm gonna prove them wrong or I'm gonna fight

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Speaker 3: for myself. And I feel like that's.

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Speaker 1: Move on, and that's okay. I've never I have a confession,

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Speaker 1: I've not ever seen that.

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Speaker 3: Wait, you're not familiar with this show.

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Speaker 1: I know Mulan, but I have never seen it.

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Speaker 3: Let's get down to business. No the huns, Oh, Christiana

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Speaker 3: Agulre that I see dare range straight backget and me

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Speaker 3: Houston's gun, I take this out. Don't go like that.

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Speaker 1: You're just saying that's leave it in. That was cute.

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Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, that was my favorite Disney movie. Okay,

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Speaker 3: that is homework. You've got to watch it.

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Speaker 1: Are you kidding me? I've asigned Pretty Woman to you

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Speaker 1: like five hundred times and you've never watched.

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Speaker 3: Okay, I'll do it.

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Speaker 1: Okay, fine, you watch pretty Woman.

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Speaker 3: Watch in two weeks. You two weeks.

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Speaker 4: We have two weeks to watch it because you got

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Speaker 4: to focus on your driving test first.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, you can take time to think about that,

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Speaker 3: but I will tell you Patrick's answer. Okay, he said,

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Speaker 3: which I thought was so creative of him. He also

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Speaker 3: watched a lot of cartoons growing up, he said, Tom

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Speaker 3: and Jerry because you get really quiet when you get mad,

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Speaker 3: which stonewalling. When I get upset, I get become very quiet,

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Speaker 3: and Tom and Jerry is silent. I think was this

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Speaker 3: point in that Okay, So I was like Patrick, that

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Speaker 3: was very introspective.

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Speaker 1: I don't really know, and you know me so well.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm trying to think of like cartoon characters

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Speaker 1: and I don't.

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Speaker 3: I don't know the one that's okay. I took a

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Speaker 3: lot of time for that one. So we can. I'll

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Speaker 3: give you a pass.

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Speaker 1: I'll just I second what Patrick said.

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Speaker 3: Okay, number four, if we swap lives for a day,

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Speaker 3: what's the first thing you'd struggle with?

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Speaker 1: Oh okay, Oh, I just thought of something can't say.

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Speaker 3: Well, you can say that, No, you can say that,

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Speaker 3: just don't say what it is. You can just say

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Speaker 3: something that I can't say, Well, something.

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Speaker 1: That I can't say. But that's not very fun for

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Speaker 1: our listener.

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Speaker 3: That's just very true. And we're being playful.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're being playful. So something we can talk about

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Speaker 1: one day. We're not trying to be total secret, but

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Speaker 1: it would be that. And then well, I was gonna say,

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Speaker 1: your job, like being a therapist and having the like,

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Speaker 1: I think you'd like give people advice, but I think

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Speaker 1: i'd kind of like it, like it. But then what

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Speaker 1: if I mess up and I give them the wrong advice?

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Speaker 1: That would be bad.

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Speaker 3: Well, you're not really giving people advice.

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Speaker 1: That's true. They have to come up with their own conclusion. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know, but if I guide them or do say

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Speaker 1: something wrong, like I would just feel very stressed about

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Speaker 1: that or like taking on all of their emotions and

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Speaker 1: things they have going on, Like that's gotta be a

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Speaker 1: lot for you and all the therapists out there to

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Speaker 1: shout out, Oh, all the different home cooked meals that

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Speaker 1: you do stressful because y'all are like, yay, we're going

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Speaker 1: to do homemade pasta tonight, which would be on Saturday. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: which isn't that hard because you taught me on one

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Speaker 1: of our cooking episodes. But y'all tackle and take on

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Speaker 1: new little things.

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Speaker 3: Like that, I said, managing the balance between managing your

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Speaker 3: kids and your work and like making everything happen nails.

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Speaker 1: If I were you, i'd be nervous.

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Speaker 3: About keeping up with noise. Yeah, they're breaking right now. Okay.

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Speaker 3: If you saw me yelling at somebody in the street,

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Speaker 3: what do you think I'd be losing my cool over?

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Speaker 1: Okay, what'd you?

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Speaker 3: This is why that I thought that you're a legal

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Speaker 3: one was interesting because I feel like you'd be like

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Speaker 3: sticking up for somebody, and you'd be yelling at somebody

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Speaker 3: else because like somebody did something to somebody else, so

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Speaker 3: you wouldn't even be involved. Like let's say, like somebody

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Speaker 3: hit somebody else's car and then try to run away.

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Speaker 3: You'd be like, hey, you get back here, you hit

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Speaker 3: their car or something like that. Or if somebody was

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Speaker 3: like mean to kids, you'd be like careful.

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Speaker 1: As long as I knew they weren't going to retaliate,

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Speaker 1: then I probably would do it. But my kids bikes

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Speaker 1: were stolen once and I ran into the kids at

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Speaker 1: the park and I went after them and I was like, hey,

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Speaker 1: those are I mean it was my kid's bikes. Like

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Speaker 1: Stevenson had this he was like seven, had this tiny

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Speaker 1: bike there was red with like fireflames on it, and

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Speaker 1: this like fourteen year old kid was on this tiny

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Speaker 1: bike you give it. The person next to him was

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Speaker 1: on Stashiro's kind of girly bike, and they had been

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Speaker 1: stolen out of our garage like a week or two before.

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Speaker 1: And it was the Nashville Marathon and we were down

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Speaker 1: at a park watching because like Mike d from the

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Speaker 1: Bobby Bone Show was racing, and so we went to

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Speaker 1: watch him. And it was me and my husband at

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Speaker 1: the time and the kids, and there was tons of

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Speaker 1: people around, so I think that's why I wasn't scared

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Speaker 1: to go up to them. And I went up and

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Speaker 1: I said, where did you get those bikes? And they

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Speaker 1: knew they were busted and they were like, oh, they

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Speaker 1: we got them from our cousin or something. And I'm like, mmm,

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Speaker 1: but you know those aren't your bikes, right, because like,

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Speaker 1: look like you'll are teenage boys and these this is

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Speaker 1: a Do you see that little boy and that little

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Speaker 1: girl over there? Those are their bikes? And I think

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Speaker 1: you know exactly where they came from and you yes,

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Speaker 1: And then and I said, and I think the right

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Speaker 1: thing to do would be to give them back. They

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Speaker 1: want their bikes, like they would have ridden their bikes

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Speaker 1: down here to watch this race. But we walked.

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Speaker 3: They went in your garage and.

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Speaker 1: They stole them. Those when we lived in East Nashville

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Speaker 1: and our garage was in an alley. I mean we

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Speaker 1: probably had the garage door open open maybe or something,

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Speaker 1: but during the day, I don't know. I just know

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Speaker 1: that the bikes were missing. And then saw them at

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Speaker 1: the park and went up to them. But then a

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Speaker 1: police officer And maybe this is what also made my

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Speaker 1: fear of retaliation heightened because I was able to do

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Speaker 1: at the time. But there was, like I said, as

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Speaker 1: a marathon, there was tons of people around, but a

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Speaker 1: police officer was doing traffic when we were walking back,

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Speaker 1: like he was helping escort cars. And I stopped him

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Speaker 1: and I said hey, And then he looked at me

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Speaker 1: and he was like, wait a second, are you Amy

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Speaker 1: from the Bobby Bone Show? And I said yes, and

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Speaker 1: I said thank you for being a listener, Like this

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Speaker 1: makes me feel better about telling you the story. But

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Speaker 1: I just saw these two kids and they were on

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Speaker 1: my kids bikes, and I went up to them and said,

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Speaker 1: you need to give them back, and they were stolen

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Speaker 1: from our garage a couple weeks ago, and he said, well,

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Speaker 1: I think that's great that you got the bikes back.

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Speaker 1: He's like, we've had to up the number of police

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Speaker 1: in this area because of juvenile crime and other activity

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Speaker 1: where they could be armed and dangerous. And so he's like,

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Speaker 1: while it worked out for you, I would highly recommend

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Speaker 1: never going up to these kids, even though they look

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Speaker 1: like fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, they could be carrying a weapon

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Speaker 1: and decide to pull it on. He's like, I'm just

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Speaker 1: letting you know that we have upped our police presence

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Speaker 1: over here specifically because of that, So don't be so

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Speaker 1: quick to go up to these kids and demand your

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Speaker 1: bike's back. And I was like, oh, yes, sir, no problem.

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Speaker 3: Good to know.

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Speaker 1: And so that was probably two thousand, eighteen twenty nineteen

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Speaker 1: or something. But I do have this major fear of retaliation. Well, yeah,

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Speaker 1: only get involved. There's something I heard about someone in

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Speaker 1: town that did something really shady recently. They're kind of

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Speaker 1: well known. I don't want to say exactly because I

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Speaker 1: don't know how public all the details are, but I

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Speaker 1: will say that I have played over in my mind

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Speaker 1: probably about five times were to ever run into them,

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Speaker 1: like just being like you're not a good person. Like

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Speaker 1: that's how passionately I felt about it. My boyfriend told

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Speaker 1: me I was overacting a little bit, and I said,

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Speaker 1: I don't think I am.

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Speaker 3: But you're you're worried about them retaliating.

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Speaker 1: No, I don't think he would retaliate. That's why I

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Speaker 1: feel okay, being like, oh okay, but I don't think

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Speaker 1: I would actually ever say that to someone anyways, but

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Speaker 1: I pictured myself.

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Speaker 3: Doing bea I imagine that icky to me, Like what

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Speaker 3: he did is so icky and doesn't make sense.

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Speaker 1: It's such a power trip. It's like using your power,

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Speaker 1: money and influence to like where it doesn't belong.

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Speaker 3: I'd like wait to hear about this.

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Speaker 1: Like it's total butt head move just because you have

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Speaker 1: money and power that impacts someone's life in their livelihood,

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Speaker 1: but because you disagreed with something like it shouldn't it's

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Speaker 1: sort of political, but it shouldn't have gotten in the

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Speaker 1: way of anything. And it just really made me bummed

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Speaker 1: because like do better, like we need to be we

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Speaker 1: need to do better, like you have children, Like why

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Speaker 1: it just made.

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Speaker 3: Me okay, so you would go that's what. Yeah, I

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Speaker 3: would find you in the parking lot doing maybe.

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Speaker 1: If I see him the picture me running into that

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Speaker 1: guy and being better. Hey yeah, No, it's more like

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Speaker 1: I don't even think I would be like super judgy.

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Speaker 1: I would just be like confused, like seriously, where did

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Speaker 1: this go wrong? When did you become the person?

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Speaker 3: Help me understand?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, help me understand, because like this okay not cool?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, okay, okay.

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Speaker 1: So there you have it. This game is long. Uh

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Speaker 1: you're not having some place sorr SB.

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Speaker 3: We have two more and they're very quick. Wait, oh

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Speaker 3: my gosh, I have to say this. You just said

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Speaker 3: that's not cool on my thing. I said, I would

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Speaker 3: see you talking to somebody saying, hey, that's not cool.

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Speaker 1: You quoted me. Okay, see, but I don't know if

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Speaker 1: I answered, but I think that that's what you would

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Speaker 1: be doing too.

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Speaker 2: Well.

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Speaker 3: Remember that one time I got in the fight with

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Speaker 3: the lady in the parking lot and you were like,

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Speaker 3: don't do that, Catherine. She could have a gun on her, yes,

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Speaker 3: I like, what is it called when you like steak out?

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't move because she was trying to steal my

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Speaker 3: parking spot and she was trying to make me move,

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Speaker 3: and she was pretending like she was gonna hit my

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Speaker 3: car and I was like, hit it. And then you

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Speaker 3: were like, Heather, don't do that.

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Speaker 1: No, she could have a gun.

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Speaker 3: Okay. Anyway, if we were in a zombie apocalypse, would

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Speaker 3: I be the comic relief group leader or the one

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Speaker 3: who screams first?

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Speaker 1: Comic relief group leader or the one that screams first?

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Speaker 1: No offense, but I don't see you leading us. You

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Speaker 1: probably would be the comedic relief or what's the next one?

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Speaker 3: The one who screams first.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you're screaming. You're screaming first.

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Speaker 3: I was thinking you would be the comic relief.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not the leader either, Okay.

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Speaker 3: And the last one. If I had a fan club,

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Speaker 3: what would they call themselves? Yours is easy, Oh, the

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Speaker 3: kitty Cats? Yeah, and then yours would be the Brownies.

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Speaker 1: Oh cute?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, Okay, that's it.

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Speaker 1: Fun game. Fun game.

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Speaker 3: To bring us to a not so fun topic, stone

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Speaker 3: Wall stonewalling, So quick recap. We're on the fourth horsemen.

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Speaker 3: We've had three. So first one was first one.

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Speaker 4: Was criticism, and the antidote to that was to not

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Speaker 4: criticize the gentle startup.

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Speaker 3: The second one was sorry, I feel like I'm giving

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Speaker 3: you a pop quart I'll help you.

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Speaker 4: The second one was defensiveness, and the antidote was.

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Speaker 1: Don't be so defensive.

404
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:33,360
Speaker 3: To accept responsibility. And the third one was contempt and

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Speaker 3: the antidote was.

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Speaker 1: I'm just you see with all three of them, I'm

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Speaker 1: just like repeating it back.

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00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the foster culture of appreciation. Yes, that's right,

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Speaker 3: that's a hard one. And then the fourth one is

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Speaker 3: stone walling. Stonewalling. Okay, we already said stonewalling. These are

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Speaker 3: just some fun facts. Eighty percent of the time it's men.

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Speaker 3: And I actually want to ask you this before I

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Speaker 3: give you any information, because I think this one is

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Speaker 3: very it's confused. So when you think of stonewalling, you've

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Speaker 3: heard of this word before. What do you think stonewalling is?

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Speaker 3: And why do you think people do it?

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Speaker 1: Silent treatment? Okay, how I picture it? And I think

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Speaker 1: they do it because that's their way of controlling the situation.

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Speaker 3: So it's like this like active, very much manipulative. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: My experience with people that give the silent treatment or

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Speaker 1: when I have is like you send the other person

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Speaker 1: into this, like what have I done? Panic, or they

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Speaker 1: may try to start fixing it and then you feel like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I have all this control. Look they're wanting to talk

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Speaker 1: to me about I'm just gonna, okay, keep not talking

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Speaker 1: about I don't know.

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Speaker 3: I think people do that. But when we're talking about

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Speaker 3: stonewalling here, it comes last, and it's usually talked about

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Speaker 3: last because it usually comes after a buildup of emotion

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Speaker 3: and it happens when you feel overwhelmed and this flooding

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Speaker 3: experience happens. And one of the predict four stonewalling is

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Speaker 3: just a high heart rate, like over one hundred. So

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Speaker 3: it's not so much this act of choice that like

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Speaker 3: I'm going to stop talking to manipulate you. It oftentimes

435
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:16,200
Speaker 3: is more a reaction to sometimes unconscious or subconscious I'm

436
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Speaker 3: going to not say anything because I don't know what

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Speaker 3: to say, or because I think I'm making it worse

438
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,400
Speaker 3: and if I just am quiet, then maybe things will

439
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,520
Speaker 3: get better. And what happens a lot of times is

440
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,960
Speaker 3: that makes you believe it more mad. So I'm silent

441
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:40,359
Speaker 3: towards you. That escalates you right versus calms you down right. Yes, okay,

442
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:45,000
Speaker 3: so this happens when somebody gets flooded So after you've

443
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,000
Speaker 3: been in a conflict and you're feeling flooded, then you

444
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,760
Speaker 3: kind of have this reaction to you don't know what

445
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:55,160
Speaker 3: to do. It's like physiologically, you're in this fight or flight.

446
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,439
Speaker 3: When you're in fight or flight, what happens to you?

447
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,480
Speaker 1: Well, I'm much more reacting. I mean it depends. Yeah,

448
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:06,520
Speaker 1: but I'm not thinking logically and I not very rational.

449
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,960
Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, because a part of your brain is shut off.

450
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,200
Speaker 3: So like the logical part of your brain is not working.

451
00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:14,560
Speaker 3: It's thinking survival, how do I survive? And when you're

452
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,720
Speaker 3: in actual danger, that's really helpful because it will help

453
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,720
Speaker 3: you get to wherever you need to go, whether you

454
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,120
Speaker 3: need to run, whether you need to freeze and play dead,

455
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:26,399
Speaker 3: whether whatever. But in this scenario, you're not actually in

456
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,879
Speaker 3: physical danger, so your body is setting you sensations that

457
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:33,920
Speaker 3: aren't actually matching up with the reality of your physical safety.

458
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,320
Speaker 3: But when we are feeling flooded, we can't think and

459
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:42,159
Speaker 3: have a rational conversation. Therefore the next logical that's not

460
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,719
Speaker 3: logical step is I'm just gonna shut down. Okay, So

461
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,840
Speaker 3: that is what stonewalling is versus silent treatment. When I

462
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,600
Speaker 3: think of silent treatment. I think of what you were

463
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,320
Speaker 3: saying where I am just I mean, I honestly think

464
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,480
Speaker 3: of myself when I was like in middle school. I

465
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,400
Speaker 3: don't know what our friend group's deal was, and maybe

466
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,800
Speaker 3: it was just me. But I love to get mad

467
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,520
Speaker 3: at somebody and then be like, I'm not talking to

468
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 3: so and so, and then two weeks would go by

469
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,320
Speaker 3: and I would just ignore them, and then I would

470
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,880
Speaker 3: forget why I was mad. That's just manipulating, because maybe

471
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:21,199
Speaker 3: if I stopped talking to you, you'll apologize for what

472
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,680
Speaker 3: you did, but then at the end of the day,

473
00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:23,359
Speaker 3: I don't even remember.

474
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:24,879
Speaker 1: Well, so, how do you know the difference of someone

475
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,960
Speaker 1: as stonewalling or silent treatment ing?

476
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:32,080
Speaker 3: You mean, like, how do I know as the person

477
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,479
Speaker 3: that it's happening to you? Yes, So I think in

478
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,239
Speaker 3: these scenarios it's just good to know this because it

479
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,880
Speaker 3: happens at the point of like we've gone too far.

480
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,960
Speaker 3: This isn't just like something happens, you say something and

481
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,479
Speaker 3: then all of a sudden, I just like decide to

482
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,200
Speaker 3: give you the silent treatment. This is happening in an

483
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,240
Speaker 3: argument that we're having, or a conflict that we're having,

484
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,760
Speaker 3: and then I end up shutting down, and you might

485
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,520
Speaker 3: not always know, but you can always check in, like, hey,

486
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:01,280
Speaker 3: are you feeling overwhelmed? And a lot of times this happens,

487
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,119
Speaker 3: people will busy themselves, so I won't even be meaning

488
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,639
Speaker 3: to just not talk, but we'll be having an argument

489
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,040
Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, I'll start doing the dishes and

490
00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, and it will look like

491
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,720
Speaker 3: I'm not paying attention to you. But really I'm overwhelmed

492
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:16,720
Speaker 3: and I need some kind of escape and I don't

493
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:17,480
Speaker 3: know how to ask for it.

494
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,439
Speaker 1: So out of all four of these, this one I

495
00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,679
Speaker 1: feel like I'm having. I'm actually having like compassion for

496
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,880
Speaker 1: Maybe I should have it for all of them. I'm

497
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,640
Speaker 1: not sure, because everybody has their own things. But this one,

498
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:34,399
Speaker 1: now I'm starting to feel like, oh, like if someone

499
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:38,159
Speaker 1: is stone walling, I'm less like I want to know

500
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,640
Speaker 1: more of Like what happened.

501
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,359
Speaker 3: To you that's making to you shut down?

502
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,479
Speaker 1: Yeah, but like surely maybe something happened to make you

503
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,680
Speaker 1: become a stonewaller or is that the natural?

504
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,879
Speaker 3: Both? Okay, I think it can be both. I I

505
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,359
Speaker 3: was telling you earlier, I was in a because again,

506
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:58,120
Speaker 3: you wouldn't assume that I would be prone to this behavior,

507
00:23:58,119 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 3: but I am.

508
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:01,080
Speaker 1: I was shocked to hear you say that you're a

509
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:04,399
Speaker 1: still Muller and that Patrick made you the cartoon character

510
00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:06,000
Speaker 1: and goes silent.

511
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:21,000
Speaker 3: So in a previous relationship, something that would happen is

512
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,040
Speaker 3: we would get in these arguments and I would feel

513
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,760
Speaker 3: very confused, and I eventually realized that, like, if I

514
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 3: agree with this person, I'm still getting yelled at. If

515
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 3: I stand up for myself and I disagree, like I'm

516
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,600
Speaker 3: getting yelled at. And so I felt stuck and I

517
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,639
Speaker 3: would literally feel like I'm trapped, like I don't know

518
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,840
Speaker 3: how to get out of this. I want to just

519
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 3: shut down. So I would just stop talking and then

520
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,480
Speaker 3: that would piss them off even more. But I learned

521
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,119
Speaker 3: to do that because I became so over there was

522
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 3: nowhere else for me to go. I had no options,

523
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,960
Speaker 3: and so that was not like a healthy behavior for

524
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:58,000
Speaker 3: me to do. But when you're in an unhealthy relationship,

525
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:02,160
Speaker 3: there's no coping. Yes, if the other person isn't willing

526
00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,320
Speaker 3: to like hear you out on that, then you don't

527
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:06,440
Speaker 3: really have anywhere to go other than like, let's get

528
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 3: out of the relationship. So now I'm in a healthy relationship.

529
00:25:10,359 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 3: I still know that I get kind of flustered in

530
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,359
Speaker 3: some of those conflict moments that we have, or I

531
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,640
Speaker 3: know that i've I've it takes me longer to figure

532
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,280
Speaker 3: out what I want to say sometimes in high conflict

533
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,879
Speaker 3: situations in our relationship. So rather than shut down because

534
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 3: that's became like just part of what I did a habit,

535
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 3: I will say I need a second. I will say, hey,

536
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,600
Speaker 3: I'm not not talking to you. I'm going to respond

537
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,480
Speaker 3: to what you just said. I need a second to

538
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,200
Speaker 3: think about what I want to say and how I want.

539
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:42,359
Speaker 1: To say it.

540
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 4: So is that the antidote pausing? So the antidote pause pause, pause,

541
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,600
Speaker 4: post pun. The antidote actually is pascas.

542
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,439
Speaker 3: The antidote is to self soothe, So it's to essentially

543
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,680
Speaker 3: take a break and self soothe. And so what I

544
00:25:56,720 --> 00:26:00,000
Speaker 3: was doing wasn't exactly the antidote, but it's I mean,

545
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,840
Speaker 3: in tandem with it, or like I need space and time,

546
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:06,840
Speaker 3: and that's really just me communicating with my partner. Hey,

547
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,200
Speaker 3: I'm still here in this conversation. So with the antidote

548
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,960
Speaker 3: self soothe, what is really recommended to do is let's

549
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 3: take a break. So you say if we're in this

550
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 3: conflict and I notice that I want to shut down. Hey,

551
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:23,040
Speaker 3: I'm noticing that I'm getting really overwhelmed, and I really

552
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,119
Speaker 3: want to talk about this and I want to figure

553
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,600
Speaker 3: this out. So the best thing for me would be

554
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,840
Speaker 3: to take a break, calm down, and then let's come

555
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:33,160
Speaker 3: back in twenty minutes and finish this conversation. And then

556
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,920
Speaker 3: if the person says, I don't, I'm not taking a break.

557
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,160
Speaker 3: We're figuring this out now, you can still take the break.

558
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:39,680
Speaker 3: I would say, they're on their own horse.

559
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:40,359
Speaker 1: It's just different.

560
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, you can still say, well, you know, I need

561
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 3: the break, so I'm going to still go and I'm

562
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 3: going to go fold the laundry upstairs, and I'll all

563
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 3: me eat back down here. And then they're kind of

564
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 3: forced to take that and hopefully they do self sooth

565
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,200
Speaker 3: and then you just go do something. It could be anything.

566
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,679
Speaker 3: It could be just going and doing breathing exercises. It

567
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,720
Speaker 3: can be just walk taking a little while. It could

568
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,960
Speaker 3: be listening to a calming song. It could be your

569
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,679
Speaker 3: ice roller. It could be folding the laundry or cleaning something,

570
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,439
Speaker 3: but anything that helps regulate you, because in that moment,

571
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:16,760
Speaker 3: there's that feeling of deep overwhelmed, trapped, panic, and you're

572
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:21,920
Speaker 3: never going to solve a problem well when those things

573
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:22,560
Speaker 3: are involved.

574
00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, I I guess for the longest time, if

575
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 1: I had heard stone Walling, which I never have, done

576
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 1: a deep dive into the Four Horsemen, so I've learned

577
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 1: a lot. But stone Walling I always thought was literally

578
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,600
Speaker 1: just silent treatment. It was more of, like you said,

579
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:45,520
Speaker 1: a manipulative tactic and it's not at all like you're

580
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: when you're doing That's what That's probably why I was

581
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:53,159
Speaker 1: so shocked that you reacted that way, because I'm like, what, Yeah,

582
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:58,159
Speaker 1: it's more Yeah, you're explaining it makes sense that you

583
00:27:59,119 --> 00:27:59,439
Speaker 1: do that.

584
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,359
Speaker 3: I mean, but if you do any of these things,

585
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:03,680
Speaker 3: don't be too hard on yourself. There is a way out,

586
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 3: and that's why we're talking about them. There is something

587
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:08,920
Speaker 3: else you can do. And like any feeling, if I'm

588
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,120
Speaker 3: using these behaviors, that means that there's a need that's

589
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:11,800
Speaker 3: not being met.

590
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if you haven't listened to the other four

591
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 1: episodes the Little Pop Quiz recap, we gave a minute

592
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,480
Speaker 1: ago of the you know Horsemen and the antidote that

593
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,359
Speaker 1: was not fully like go listen to the episodes because

594
00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:29,000
Speaker 1: you'll hear more inside, or go to the Gotman Institute's website.

595
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,560
Speaker 1: There's so many resources there, because I do see how

596
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:35,360
Speaker 1: it would be so helpful to know, like how you

597
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,840
Speaker 1: show up in your relationship and how your partner's showing

598
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,320
Speaker 1: up if y'all are riding in on these horses at

599
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:40,960
Speaker 1: any time.

600
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, and if you notice yourself, if you don't normally

601
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 3: act like this in conflict, and you notice yourself using

602
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:51,480
Speaker 3: one of these communication strategies, that's a signal or a

603
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,920
Speaker 3: sign for you that like, hey, something's up, Like it

604
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 3: might not be about the relationship. It might really just

605
00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:59,719
Speaker 3: be about me. If I'm really overwhelmed in general in

606
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 3: my life or in any other area, and then I

607
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 3: come and we have some kind of conflict and I

608
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:08,240
Speaker 3: already feel like I'm up here, I might stonewall just

609
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,120
Speaker 3: because I've shut down because other things are in the way.

610
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:15,600
Speaker 3: So it doesn't always mean there's something wrong with your

611
00:29:15,680 --> 00:29:18,720
Speaker 3: relationship that needs to be fixed or repaired. It sometimes

612
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 3: can be like there's something that I need, and I'm

613
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 3: bringing this into our relationship and I don't want to

614
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 3: do that. Good point, So this one's pretty simple, but stonewalling.

615
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,600
Speaker 3: We don't want to do it, sometimes it happens. Thank you, John.

616
00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 1: Gotman, Thank you John Gotman for the Four Horsemen. I'm

617
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:39,760
Speaker 1: trying to think of, like, you know, entering about a

618
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:45,400
Speaker 1: year into my relationship, like being in a less chaotic

619
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 1: type relationship, Like how we go over this stuff? How

620
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:55,760
Speaker 1: I if there ever is like I'll call it drama.

621
00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:58,880
Speaker 1: That doesn't have to be conflict, Okay, conflict.

622
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:03,040
Speaker 3: I think people have a weird relationship to the word conflict.

623
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,840
Speaker 3: Like we said in the first episode, conflict is good

624
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:08,080
Speaker 3: to have in a relationship. We need conflict in a

625
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 3: relationship and no relationship, if it's healthy, it's going to

626
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 3: have it. So it's not about not having conflict, it's

627
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:15,880
Speaker 3: about how we manage it.

628
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,760
Speaker 1: You're right, I know this, I know this. I know

629
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 1: conflict is good. You're like any relationships I know, and

630
00:30:21,840 --> 00:30:24,480
Speaker 1: I know that we have had some healthy conflict. But

631
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,120
Speaker 1: when I think of like, I think I'm the one

632
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:30,000
Speaker 1: that brings the majority of it. Like I don't know

633
00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:32,000
Speaker 1: how to say this. That's why I'm struggling with my

634
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,920
Speaker 1: words because I'm not trying to put it on me.

635
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 1: But like he's so like like I was looking at

636
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:40,320
Speaker 1: him the other day, like we were driving in the

637
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:41,600
Speaker 1: car or something, and I was like looking at him,

638
00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:43,160
Speaker 1: and I was like, he's just so like why is

639
00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:46,120
Speaker 1: he so easy? Well, like why is he so?

640
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 3: What's his enneagram number?

641
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,360
Speaker 1: Chill? He doesn't know because he doesn't. He's like, it's

642
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:51,360
Speaker 1: not I'm not really my thing.

643
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 3: He's literally Patrick. Oh my gosh.

644
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:56,560
Speaker 1: Yeah. I also had this thought when you said something

645
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 1: about Patrick the other day. I almost texted you, but

646
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:00,000
Speaker 1: then I was like, this is about you and Patrick

647
00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 1: right now, so I don't want to make it about

648
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,480
Speaker 1: me and Alex at all, So I didn't text it.

649
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 1: You texted it something about Patrick, about how you can

650
00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:09,960
Speaker 1: almost cry right now, how great he's been to you

651
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:13,840
Speaker 1: through some stuff. Yeah, So I replied back, like, but

652
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,920
Speaker 1: in my mind I also had a thought of like

653
00:31:16,560 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: I kind of had this feeling of that's how I

654
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,800
Speaker 1: feel about Alex and it's weird, and I was like

655
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,360
Speaker 1: Alex and Big P or same the these But I

656
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 1: didn't want to bring Alex into the mix because it

657
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:30,600
Speaker 1: was like, you're, well, I know, but I didn't need

658
00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 1: to make that about But I do think that they

659
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:34,600
Speaker 1: are very similar.

660
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:37,840
Speaker 3: They're both very steady, which is low.

661
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:40,880
Speaker 1: Chaos simple.

662
00:31:41,800 --> 00:31:44,560
Speaker 3: They're easy to get. Everybody loves them.

663
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, I told you before. Sometimes I poke for the

664
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,120
Speaker 1: drama and then it like he doesn't take the baby

665
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:52,920
Speaker 1: even sometimes I'm not even really poking, like I'm just like, well,

666
00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,800
Speaker 1: surely this like I will, I'll say it. It's not

667
00:31:55,800 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 1: like I think before it's going to ruffle feathers. I'll

668
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: say it, and then there will be kind of like nothing,

669
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 1: and I'm like I thought that would I would think

670
00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,560
Speaker 1: that would ruffle a little bit. But like, look at him,

671
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 1: but it's not. He's not shallow or no, he's just

672
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,680
Speaker 1: he's not a deep thinker. It's not that he's like

673
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,239
Speaker 1: not involved or engaged and he's just like tuning me out.

674
00:32:16,280 --> 00:32:17,760
Speaker 1: That's not it at all, because there could be that

675
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,320
Speaker 1: type of relationship you know, yeah, you know I dated

676
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:21,840
Speaker 1: that one guy a little bit, Like how how did

677
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 1: we describe him? Sort of just like aloof and like

678
00:32:25,760 --> 00:32:30,960
Speaker 1: not very deep surface yeah, just sort of yeah. Uh

679
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 1: so it's not that because he's also deep anyway. It's

680
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:35,440
Speaker 1: just an interesting.

681
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 3: That you bring most of that. Well, I that's probably

682
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:43,360
Speaker 3: I'll speak for my relationships. I don't I don't totally know.

683
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 3: But what I do know with Patrick is he's so

684
00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:50,440
Speaker 3: adaptable and he truly doesn't care about a lot of stuff.

685
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,360
Speaker 3: He's a nine. I will say for him. I'm gonna

686
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 3: speak for him. Sorry, Patrick, You're not gonna hear this anyway.

687
00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,280
Speaker 3: He has learned to just like go with the flow

688
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,880
Speaker 3: in so many areas of his life that like, he

689
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:09,320
Speaker 3: really truly feels fine about a lot of stuff versus

690
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,560
Speaker 3: I am not that way. I do. I have stronger

691
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:16,520
Speaker 3: emotions about things, so I'm more likely to bring something

692
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,280
Speaker 3: because I'm more likely to have a strong feeling versus

693
00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:24,480
Speaker 3: like I'm dramatic and problematic and he's not. He just doesn't.

694
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 3: He doesn't get activated in that way because of how

695
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,960
Speaker 3: he's learned to deal with conflict in his past or

696
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 3: just things in general. But one thing that gets us

697
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,960
Speaker 3: in trouble is I don't like try to like start

698
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,000
Speaker 3: fights with him out of nothing. But I'll like ask

699
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:43,200
Speaker 3: a random question and like pretend that I like to

700
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,480
Speaker 3: get mad, and then he won't respond the way I

701
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,400
Speaker 3: want him to, and then I'll really get upset, like and.

702
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 1: He'll admitted to that before and he's like.

703
00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 3: Catherine, I'm not doing this because you're gonna get mad.

704
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:54,400
Speaker 3: And this is about like if you were a worm

705
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:56,479
Speaker 3: or not, like you're not gonna be a worm or

706
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,960
Speaker 3: it was one time I asked if I turned into

707
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:01,240
Speaker 3: a dog, would he remarry and he said yes, but

708
00:34:01,280 --> 00:34:02,160
Speaker 3: I'd keep you as.

709
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:06,800
Speaker 1: My pet and then you got really mad. That sounds

710
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:08,800
Speaker 1: like a trap, right, a hundred percent.

711
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,239
Speaker 3: But like he can be more jovial in those things

712
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:13,000
Speaker 3: where like I start to think about them more deeply

713
00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 3: and then I'm like what does this mean? And I'm like, wait,

714
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,680
Speaker 3: I don't even care. So we've learned to like I've

715
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,160
Speaker 3: had a don't do that.

716
00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 1: Well, thank you for sharing some of that, because I

717
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:21,520
Speaker 1: think it helps give me a perspective of I am

718
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 1: a more emotional person than he is. You're more so

719
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,880
Speaker 1: I'm bringing more of that emotion to the table. And

720
00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,799
Speaker 1: then I don't know, maybe in what certain things he's

721
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: been through in life and like losing his wife, he

722
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,239
Speaker 1: has like perspective on what really matters and he's not

723
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 1: going to like waste time on Well.

724
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 3: You're also thinking about things in different ways. So like

725
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:44,920
Speaker 3: when something happens for me, I have this feeling and

726
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 3: it's connected to this, but like he's having this feeling

727
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 3: and it's connected to this. So like, that's why a

728
00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,480
Speaker 3: lot of times it's not about what you're fighting about,

729
00:34:51,680 --> 00:34:54,840
Speaker 3: it's about what that's connected to and what's really underneath that,

730
00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:59,040
Speaker 3: Because this is underneath the trash for me, but this

731
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:01,880
Speaker 3: is what's underneath the tra rash for him. No wonder

732
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,160
Speaker 3: I'm upset and he's like, who cares?

733
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:04,759
Speaker 4: Is that?

734
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 1: Yeah? Okay, yeah, I don't know why I just went

735
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 1: rogue there for a second, but I was thinking of

736
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:12,799
Speaker 1: all the four horsemen, and I'm like, Okay, I've seen

737
00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:16,000
Speaker 1: my shelf myself show up ride in on these horses,

738
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:19,040
Speaker 1: and I'm like, what horses has he ridden and on?

739
00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:21,640
Speaker 1: Yet besides the steadfast hours.

740
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:23,719
Speaker 3: We need that one.

741
00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 1: We need that one. So I'm thankful for it. All Right, Well,

742
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:27,839
Speaker 1: there you go, the four horsemen.

743
00:35:28,239 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 3: And let that also be a lesson of compatibility for

744
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 3: you that like, how should I say this? I think

745
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,279
Speaker 3: we talked about this recently. It's not about people being

746
00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:40,840
Speaker 3: good or bad or people being they're too chaotic and

747
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 3: they need to work on this and they need to whatever.

748
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:46,520
Speaker 3: It's finding partners that are compatible, finding partners that he

749
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:49,560
Speaker 3: compliments you. Yes, So if I was married to somebody

750
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,080
Speaker 3: who's just like me, our relationship would be so chaotic.

751
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:58,359
Speaker 3: But Patrick brings me down. Why I help ruffle him

752
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:00,960
Speaker 3: up a little bit, like I help him feel more

753
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:05,480
Speaker 3: deeply and he helps me kind of like chill out sometimes. Yeah,

754
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:09,960
Speaker 3: So compatibility, it's not one person is messy and one

755
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:10,879
Speaker 3: person is Yeah.

756
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 1: One final note about that too, is if you're used

757
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,080
Speaker 1: to a little bit of chaos that I've talked about

758
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 1: this before, when you meet someone that might be more

759
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:21,760
Speaker 1: compatible for you, sometimes it might seem a little boring.

760
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 1: Come on, and you have to push past that. Yeah,

761
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:27,560
Speaker 1: and that could be a whole other thing. But it's like,

762
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 1: don't throw in the towel right away, because I think

763
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:32,000
Speaker 1: I probably could have done that with him, because your

764
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,440
Speaker 1: nervous system is used to something different, and so you

765
00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:38,560
Speaker 1: get to just see if you're going to alter and

766
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:41,040
Speaker 1: adapt and calm down and be like, oh wait a second,

767
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,760
Speaker 1: Boring is actually awesome because it doesn't mean like he's boring.

768
00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:49,440
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the feeling and the relationship feels n

769
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 1: and e but then it feels exciting. Yeah, and you're

770
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,840
Speaker 1: like grateful for it and you're like, wow, who knew okay,

771
00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:00,120
Speaker 1: that's wrap right, that's okay. I hope you have the

772
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:08,880
Speaker 1: day you need to have. Bye bye mhm