1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:26,360 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,800 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: so great to have you here, back for another episode. Guys, 7 00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: I don't know, I don't know how I feel about 8 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: my outfit. I'm trying to I'm like trying out the 9 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:40,239 Speaker 1: leopard print today. It's this leopard print. I don't even 10 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,200 Speaker 1: know anymore. I don't know, I don't know if this 11 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,480 Speaker 1: is me. So if you see me like picking at 12 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 1: my cardigan today, no, it's because I'm trying out a 13 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: new identity as somebody bold enough to wear leopard print 14 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:54,360 Speaker 1: and I'm I'm adjusting. That has literally nothing to do 15 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: with what we're talking about, Like, literally nothing. Today we 16 00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,720 Speaker 1: are going to tackle the biggest question on the Internet 17 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: of the error. Are friendships supposed to be inconvenient? How 18 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:11,560 Speaker 1: much can we actually expect and demand from our friends? 19 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:16,679 Speaker 1: And have we come to expect too little from people 20 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:20,480 Speaker 1: in our lives. I am sure that you have seen 21 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:23,520 Speaker 1: this phrase out there recently online specifically on TikTok, maybe 22 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:28,280 Speaker 1: on Instagram inconvenience is the cost of community. Or another 23 00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:31,639 Speaker 1: one that's very similar is everybody wants the village, nobody 24 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:35,360 Speaker 1: wants to be the villager. These terms, these phrases have 25 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,720 Speaker 1: been really hard to miss, and I think they're pointing 26 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:41,280 Speaker 1: towards this big realization that we're having as a society 27 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:45,240 Speaker 1: that you know, the past twenty years have made us 28 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 1: one of the most isolated generations in history there has been, 29 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: you know, the proliferation of social media that was meant 30 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,559 Speaker 1: to make us less lonely has made us lonelier. And 31 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,200 Speaker 1: a lot of wellness content has really focused on protecting 32 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:06,240 Speaker 1: our peace and boundaries. But has any of that actually 33 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 1: made us happier. If we were to look at any 34 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:14,520 Speaker 1: loneliness survey, any loneliness study, any life satisfaction survey taken 35 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:20,320 Speaker 1: in the last five years, the answer is pretty obviously no, 36 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:23,960 Speaker 1: we are not happier. Loneliness has literally been labeled the 37 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,840 Speaker 1: modern health epidemic, in the same class as diseases like 38 00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 1: COVID or a bowler or the flu. And the younger 39 00:02:31,639 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 1: you are, the more connected you are. Ironically, or you 40 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:38,680 Speaker 1: should be due to technology, the more likely you are 41 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,800 Speaker 1: to report feeling increasingly isolated. Now, obviously there are a 42 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: lot of factors going on here. You know, the pandemic 43 00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 1: in particular, interrupted a huge developmental stage for a lot 44 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: of us when we were typically meant to meet a 45 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,600 Speaker 1: lot of our lifelong friends, you know, against social media, 46 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,040 Speaker 1: our smartphones, they are highly addictive. They've made it a 47 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:03,440 Speaker 1: lot harder to connect in person. But how much of 48 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:08,920 Speaker 1: it is because we have become selfish community members? You know, 49 00:03:08,919 --> 00:03:11,679 Speaker 1: I've had some moments with people in the last few 50 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:16,480 Speaker 1: months personally that have really made me start asking this 51 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: question myself. Am I asking too much of my friends? 52 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,840 Speaker 1: Or do I just need better friends? You know? There 53 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,840 Speaker 1: have been so many moments since moving to London and 54 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:30,480 Speaker 1: since Netflix happening where I'm like, you know, do I 55 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:34,720 Speaker 1: actually deserve more? Am I putting up with not enough? 56 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,640 Speaker 1: Am I putting up with less? And how much is 57 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 1: that me? How much is that my expectations? How much 58 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 1: is that my fault? And how much is it because 59 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaker 1: maybe overnight our expectations for friendships have changed and that 60 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,360 Speaker 1: has been a really hard pill to swallow, and one 61 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: I'm still kind of confused by myself. So of course 62 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 1: I thought I would take this conversation and this rumination 63 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,320 Speaker 1: out of my mind and give it to you guys, 64 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 1: and hopefully you can decide what we should be doing 65 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,320 Speaker 1: based on our discussion and the psychology we introduce today. 66 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:15,280 Speaker 1: So without further ado, let's get into it. So I 67 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:19,679 Speaker 1: thought that we'd start this episode by actually going through 68 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:24,159 Speaker 1: the psychological research on what makes a good friend but 69 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: also what is needed for a friendship to survive, because 70 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,800 Speaker 1: I don't think anybody teaches us this, but it is 71 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:35,159 Speaker 1: such valuable knowledge. There have been so many attempts to 72 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:39,840 Speaker 1: categorize good friendship over the years, but my favorite one 73 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:44,800 Speaker 1: is by the social researcher Deborah Oswald, who in twenty 74 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,640 Speaker 1: sixteen published an entire meta analysis on maintaining long lasting friendships. 75 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:53,480 Speaker 1: And she looked at studies from years and years and 76 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:57,760 Speaker 1: years of psychology and what she found. Her conclusion was 77 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:07,120 Speaker 1: that lasting friendships need for things to survive positivity, openness, supportiveness, 78 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:12,560 Speaker 1: and interaction. Positivity is essentially, we need somebody who's going 79 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,919 Speaker 1: to make us feel better about ourself or better about 80 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:19,000 Speaker 1: our lives. Openness means we want people who are vulnerable 81 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:24,839 Speaker 1: who are responsive, who who share. Supportiveness means just classically 82 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: like people need to be there for you in good 83 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 1: times and in bad times as well, not just emotionally 84 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,600 Speaker 1: but physically, which is very important for the discussion we're 85 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:39,800 Speaker 1: having today. And finally, interaction, interaction doesn't have to be 86 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 1: in person, it doesn't have to be every week, but 87 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: there is some kind of minimal level of contact required 88 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 1: before friendship is deprioritized in our lives or just like 89 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:56,920 Speaker 1: fades altogether. Now, this number, this level of interaction changes 90 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: based on where you are in your friendship. Obviously, when 91 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 1: you're first establishing a friendship, that is where the biggest 92 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: time investment is taking place. Twenty eighteen study found that 93 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:14,039 Speaker 1: it takes about fifty hours to shift from acquaintances to 94 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 1: casual friends, ninety hours to call someone a good friend, 95 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,600 Speaker 1: over two hundred hours plus to call somebody a really 96 00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:23,960 Speaker 1: close friend. Even that is kind of at the lower end. 97 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 1: So obviously, when you're first making a friend, you need 98 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,679 Speaker 1: to see each other quite frequently to kind of maintain 99 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,839 Speaker 1: that bond. But in terms of maintenance, the maintenance of 100 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:35,080 Speaker 1: a long term friendship, we actually don't have that much 101 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,599 Speaker 1: research about how often we should be interacting and maybe 102 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,640 Speaker 1: that's part of the broader social problem here. We're all 103 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:47,800 Speaker 1: very interested in making friends, in surrounding ourselves with people, 104 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,320 Speaker 1: but once we have them, I think it's a lot 105 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:53,440 Speaker 1: easier to kind of take them for granted and not 106 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:57,359 Speaker 1: be putting in those maintenance hours. My take is the 107 00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:01,080 Speaker 1: longer the friendship, the more time between interactions online or 108 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 1: in person you can kind of get away with, especially 109 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:07,840 Speaker 1: if they're a long distance friend. I also think, my 110 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,000 Speaker 1: personal opinion again is that in person hours count for 111 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:15,520 Speaker 1: triple online hours in terms of quality time. But it's 112 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,240 Speaker 1: funny that, you know, as soon as we get to 113 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,760 Speaker 1: this discussion of like what does it take to be 114 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,920 Speaker 1: a good friend, we immediately discuss minimums here. You know, 115 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,200 Speaker 1: we immediately are like, what's the minimum amount we should 116 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 1: be seeing our friends, when in fact, you should want 117 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: to see your friends as much as possible. You shouldn't 118 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,520 Speaker 1: just be looking for the minimal number of hours to 119 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 1: pour into somebody so that they will be there for 120 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:42,080 Speaker 1: you when you really need them. So that was a tangent. 121 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:46,720 Speaker 1: Let's return to the original research. Positivity, openness, supportiveness, and interaction. 122 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: That's what a friendship needs to survive. Something though, that 123 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: these factors all have in common that comes back to 124 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: this broader question we're asking today, is that all of 125 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 1: these things are quite time intensive and sacrificial and difficult 126 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,600 Speaker 1: at times. It's difficult to always be supportive, it's difficult 127 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: to always be there for your friends. But if you 128 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,440 Speaker 1: are missing even one of these things for too long, 129 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:18,360 Speaker 1: a friendship is going to fade. Friendships are not, at 130 00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 1: least my friendships are not some evergreen tree you can 131 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:25,120 Speaker 1: plant and leave and they will stay the same forever 132 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 1: for your return, especially not friendships that are early on 133 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: in their lives. This is where our problem emerges. It 134 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 1: is so much easier to be that kind of detached 135 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 1: friend and to only devote our energy and our time 136 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,240 Speaker 1: to ourselves. It is so much easier, whether you're an 137 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,760 Speaker 1: introvert or an extrovert. Like we're all tired, it's so 138 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,480 Speaker 1: much easier to spend time alone and to not be 139 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:52,480 Speaker 1: annoyed or inconvenienced by other people's problems. But you are 140 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 1: almost guaranteeing loneliness that way. And this really brings us 141 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 1: naturally to the big question of the day. Why is 142 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,280 Speaker 1: our preference for being alone? Why is it that we 143 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,360 Speaker 1: have come to expect less from our friendships and also 144 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,200 Speaker 1: inadvertently desired to give less. Like what has changed in 145 00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:14,240 Speaker 1: recent decades that has made this a trend that we're seeing. 146 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:19,240 Speaker 1: I personally think there are three distinct horsemen of like 147 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: the low expectation, low effort friendship apocalypse, Three things that 148 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: have done the most damage to how we create and 149 00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: maintain good relationships. First is the move from social spaces 150 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:39,680 Speaker 1: to private spaces that we're experiencing the broader social move 151 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: from social to private spaces. Second is busyness and how 152 00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:49,679 Speaker 1: overworked we are. And third is and this might be controversial, 153 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,520 Speaker 1: but it is the manipulation of self help language and 154 00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,160 Speaker 1: self help terms that we throw around and we don't 155 00:09:55,160 --> 00:10:00,559 Speaker 1: actually understand. So let's start with number one, the move 156 00:10:00,679 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: from public spaces to private spaces, including our move online, 157 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,199 Speaker 1: which could be deemed a public space but is often 158 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:13,880 Speaker 1: accessed privately. I read this fascinating study that said in 159 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,360 Speaker 1: the last thirty years, our use of public spaces has 160 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,439 Speaker 1: dropped by more than fourteen percent. The time we spend 161 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 1: in third spaces so coffee shops, libraries, parks, pubs, just 162 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 1: sitting and enjoying ourselves being present outdoors in public spaces 163 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:37,120 Speaker 1: has also drastically shifted, with people spending more and more 164 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,640 Speaker 1: time at home. You know, a really fascinating way they 165 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: studied this. They looked at walking speed and walking pace 166 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: as a determinant of how much time people are spending 167 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,320 Speaker 1: in public spaces. Obviously, if you're walking slower, you spend 168 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,280 Speaker 1: more time in public spaces. You're more likely to run 169 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,080 Speaker 1: into a neighbor or talk to somebody, if you're walking 170 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: faster efficiently to kind of pass by those minimal social interactions. 171 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,360 Speaker 1: Our walking pace has increased by fifteen percent in the 172 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,640 Speaker 1: last few years, meaning we are more in a rush. 173 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,280 Speaker 1: We are more on a rush to get from place 174 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,120 Speaker 1: A to place B, from work to home, home to gym, 175 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:19,600 Speaker 1: gym back home, which has and I kind of just 176 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: mentioned this, reduced our incidental exposure to other people in 177 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:32,000 Speaker 1: our community. What has replaced these times we'd usually spend 178 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,280 Speaker 1: out of our homes. You know what has replaced these 179 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,960 Speaker 1: moments we'd usually spend with our friends. It's our phones, 180 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: our phones, our screens, our streaming services, things that are 181 00:11:45,559 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: by their very nature very private. Technology, particularly social media, 182 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:55,439 Speaker 1: which ironically promised us even more connection, has made us 183 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 1: actually a very isolated and sanitized life. On average, and 184 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 1: this is an average, we spend two two and a 185 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: half hours on social media day. A lot of that 186 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 1: is just empty time that I think often feels like 187 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 1: we're doing something social because we're seeing the faces of 188 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: other people, we're hearing their voices, we're learning about their stories, 189 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 1: we're receiving dopamine. But it's not. And what's funny is 190 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,439 Speaker 1: that a big reason we don't see our friends, don't 191 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,000 Speaker 1: do the forty minute commute to their side of town, 192 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,679 Speaker 1: don't have the evening free for them, is because we 193 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,559 Speaker 1: think we have less free time, but in fact, it's 194 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,439 Speaker 1: because we have devoted more of that free time to 195 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 1: farm time. The twenty twenty three study actually found we 196 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,880 Speaker 1: have about the same amount of free time as we 197 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:53,520 Speaker 1: did two decades ago before the explosion of MySpace and Facebook, 198 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,440 Speaker 1: on average, five hours five hours of free time a day, 199 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,200 Speaker 1: but we spend so much much more of it online, 200 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: which feels more like a necessity and therefore means that 201 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,960 Speaker 1: we are becoming more and more isolated without realizing it. 202 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,640 Speaker 1: And I know, obviously you guys have heard this so 203 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,960 Speaker 1: many times. Social media is making us more lonely. Social 204 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,680 Speaker 1: media is stealing our time, stealing our attention. But I 205 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: think it's really important to emphasize that in an episode 206 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:25,960 Speaker 1: about how friendship has become seemingly more inconvenient when we 207 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,280 Speaker 1: are very easily and very much allow ourselves to be 208 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,800 Speaker 1: inconvenienced by our phones equally as much. The truth is, 209 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,680 Speaker 1: though we may have as much leisure time as we 210 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,520 Speaker 1: did twenty to thirty years ago, that doesn't mean we're 211 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: not cognitively more exhausted and more extended during the time 212 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,520 Speaker 1: we are working or switched on at work to use 213 00:13:50,559 --> 00:13:54,280 Speaker 1: that time effectively, And that brings me to reason number two. 214 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,480 Speaker 1: We may have the same amount of free time, but 215 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,960 Speaker 1: busyness and overall exhaustion is a big reason, and we 216 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:05,760 Speaker 1: feel like the inconvenience of friendship is sometimes more of 217 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 1: a challenge. You know, we may be working the same hours, 218 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:13,000 Speaker 1: but what is expected of us during those hours is 219 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: far different from before, especially as technology has you know, 220 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:23,040 Speaker 1: driven up productivity expectations and therefore driven up cognitive fatigue 221 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: that leaves less mental energy for the things we actually 222 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:31,840 Speaker 1: want or know we should do, like seeing our friends. 223 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: The fact that the busyness has become more of a 224 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: status symbol as well these days, which you will know 225 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: all too well if you listen to our why rest 226 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:46,200 Speaker 1: makes you feel guilty? Episode that hasn't helped you, know 227 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 1: a busy schedule. It's the new design handbag, it's the 228 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,880 Speaker 1: new sports car. It makes you seem important. Having a 229 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: large community simply isn't admired the same way that having 230 00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:02,000 Speaker 1: a lot of money, or having great accolades or an 231 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,320 Speaker 1: amazing important job is. I think that's changing these days. 232 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,800 Speaker 1: I think people are like, huh, money coun't buy me happiness. 233 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,560 Speaker 1: It's almost like people have been saying that for years, 234 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: but now I'm starting to realize it. And you can 235 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: actually see that in social media trends right the community influencer, 236 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,800 Speaker 1: people who do events, people who show people where to meet, 237 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,720 Speaker 1: others who get off the line, they're becoming so much 238 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: more popular. I think we're realizing that the allure of 239 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:33,200 Speaker 1: exhaustion is a lie. You can again, have all the 240 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 1: importance and money in the world, but you can't buy 241 00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: deep friendship. I always ask myself this question, why are 242 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 1: we so willing to inconvenience ourselves for a boss or 243 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,800 Speaker 1: for a job, but not for a friend if your 244 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,360 Speaker 1: boss says, hey, I need you to work till nine 245 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,000 Speaker 1: pm without pay, you're like, of course right away. But 246 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: if your friend asks you to come to dinner that 247 00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,120 Speaker 1: starts after eight, you're not going to do that. Too 248 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,080 Speaker 1: busy or too tired. Your boss isn't going to be 249 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 1: the one visiting you when you're sick. Your friends are, 250 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,480 Speaker 1: So you've got to make that space. Let yourself be 251 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 1: inconvenienced by your friends the way you inconvenience yourself for work. 252 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: I will say, it is really hard to maintain everything 253 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:22,280 Speaker 1: we are expected to maintain as adults in a capitalist society. 254 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,840 Speaker 1: I know I'm receiving this message. You are receiving this 255 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: message that you have to prioritize everything, do everything, be 256 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 1: successful in everything that's impossible. So of course some things 257 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,680 Speaker 1: get let go of. We fail in some aspects, and 258 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,720 Speaker 1: typically because of the way that society and culture has 259 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,520 Speaker 1: prioritized our lives for us, friendship seems the least important, 260 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,600 Speaker 1: the least necessary. That's the thing we're going to give 261 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:51,680 Speaker 1: up first. And what we're seeing is, hey, maybe the 262 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:56,800 Speaker 1: priorities we've been given friendship at the bottom or closer 263 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,640 Speaker 1: to the bottom is not right because friendship is life 264 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:04,879 Speaker 1: giving and not having our friends, not having community, regardless 265 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:08,399 Speaker 1: of how inconvenient it is, does come at a cost. 266 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,199 Speaker 1: I feel like this is a balance or challenge we 267 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,159 Speaker 1: are really going to have to figure out in the 268 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:22,560 Speaker 1: next few years, hopefully, how do we balance you know, 269 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 1: productivity and a very very competitive job market and making 270 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 1: money with well being and with one of the most 271 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,520 Speaker 1: inexpensive things for our well being there is out there, 272 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,720 Speaker 1: which is friendship. We are going to take a short 273 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:43,680 Speaker 1: break here, but when we return, I want to get 274 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:48,040 Speaker 1: into that third and I would say most controversial reason 275 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:51,600 Speaker 1: that we've you know, shied away from the inconvenience of friendship, 276 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:56,119 Speaker 1: which is the rise of hyper individualized therapy speak. I 277 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:57,760 Speaker 1: don't think everyone's going to be happy with what I 278 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:01,760 Speaker 1: have to say, but it's important the less stay with 279 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:10,000 Speaker 1: us for a psychology podcast. Again, what I'm going to 280 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,760 Speaker 1: say next might be a bit controversial. This is just 281 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,359 Speaker 1: my opinion, but I think the viral nature of so 282 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: many therapy terms and therapy speak without actual education on 283 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,960 Speaker 1: what those terms mean and how to apply them, has 284 00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 1: made us think it's okay to be selfish for no reason. 285 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,639 Speaker 1: This has made us think that it is normal to 286 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,399 Speaker 1: just do what we want and to call it a 287 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,920 Speaker 1: boundary and to expect others to respond accordingly, and if 288 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,879 Speaker 1: they don't, we can cut them from our lives. Big 289 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: distinction I need to make here. I'm not talking about 290 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:52,639 Speaker 1: setting boundaries for well being or being selfish as a 291 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,280 Speaker 1: way to reclaim the times that you were self less 292 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,720 Speaker 1: and were taken advantage of. I'm not talking about selfishness 293 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:03,560 Speaker 1: for self protection. Love all those things. I love when 294 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,360 Speaker 1: people stay what they need, know what they need, are 295 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,840 Speaker 1: open about their wants. Love that. But that's the thing. 296 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:16,719 Speaker 1: I love it because it's being communicated, it's not being dictated. 297 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:22,000 Speaker 1: I think we can all think of examples of boundaries 298 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,000 Speaker 1: or therapy speak being co opted in a way that 299 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 1: is just unfair, unreasonable, and never explained. Ghosting a friend 300 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,760 Speaker 1: over a minor disagreement, not showing up for important events 301 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:39,919 Speaker 1: because you're tired, and refusing to acknowledge someone else's disappointment. 302 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:45,880 Speaker 1: In that, protecting your peace by disregarding others feelings. I've 303 00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,960 Speaker 1: done it before. I wish I could be like the 304 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,040 Speaker 1: innocent person here, but we all have. I read this 305 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,040 Speaker 1: article though the other day from Bustle, and this is 306 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:57,119 Speaker 1: like a great example of this that I just think 307 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,120 Speaker 1: if there was going to be one example of this, 308 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:01,399 Speaker 1: this is the one I would need use. It was 309 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: this girl. Her name was Anna. Now I think let's 310 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,480 Speaker 1: call it Anna. Sorry Anna if it's something else, But 311 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 1: her name was Anna. She'd had this friend of five years. 312 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,320 Speaker 1: That's a long time to have a friend in your twenties, 313 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:16,439 Speaker 1: and her friend dumped her. Dumped her over text whilst 314 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:20,520 Speaker 1: they were making plans, being like, I'm in a place 315 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,959 Speaker 1: where I'm trying to honor my needs and act in 316 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,040 Speaker 1: alignment with what feels right within the scope of my life, 317 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:32,200 Speaker 1: and I'm afraid our friendship doesn't seem to fit into 318 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:36,160 Speaker 1: that framework. I can no longer hold the emotional space 319 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,359 Speaker 1: you've wanted me to. That kind of language, which is 320 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:44,200 Speaker 1: empowering language, but that's classic therapy speak and that language. Yes, 321 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,639 Speaker 1: again it's important. Boundaries are important, but in this example, 322 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,720 Speaker 1: this person is missing a crucial ingredient. You can't set 323 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,680 Speaker 1: a boundary and not communicate it with the other person 324 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: and then only deliver the consequences. You can't expect every 325 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:04,960 Speaker 1: relationship to be purely dictated by your needs, which are 326 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,720 Speaker 1: never expressed before the person is cut from your life 327 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 1: and think or expect to have fulfilling friendships from that. 328 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 1: It's just it's not possible. Self help and therapy and 329 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 1: wellness speak and all this language has made us think that, 330 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,560 Speaker 1: I guess self improvement and healing is something that happens 331 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:29,359 Speaker 1: in isolation, or that improving our lives is all about 332 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,840 Speaker 1: what we can do for ourselves and what we can 333 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: do to make our lives more stress free and nervous 334 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 1: system regulation and removing toxic energy. But I think I 335 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,000 Speaker 1: think we've overcorrected. There was a point where we didn't 336 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,879 Speaker 1: have any language for this. You didn't have any knowledge 337 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:49,480 Speaker 1: about this, and so we really did need some of 338 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,320 Speaker 1: this language to be like, hey, that's why I feel bad, 339 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,440 Speaker 1: That's why I feel taken advantage of. Now we've perhaps 340 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:01,000 Speaker 1: taken this standard so far that that it's isolating. It's 341 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:05,679 Speaker 1: a highly individualistic approach that, you know, I think contradicts 342 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 1: the collective lives most of us crave. What it also 343 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 1: doesn't acknowledge is the mere fact of human nature. People 344 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,080 Speaker 1: make mistakes. You have made mistakes. You have made mistakes, 345 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,399 Speaker 1: people have forgiven you for People have disagreements. Relationships aren't 346 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,920 Speaker 1: equal all the time, and maybe the most crucial one 347 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,760 Speaker 1: of all. You are not the only person who has needs, 348 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,879 Speaker 1: and you are not the most important person in a 349 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,919 Speaker 1: relationship or in the world. You are just a person 350 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:40,760 Speaker 1: operating in a bigger collective system. And what you give 351 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:45,040 Speaker 1: to that collective, to your friends, to your family, to 352 00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:50,879 Speaker 1: your neighbors, to strangers, is what you receive back. And 353 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:54,080 Speaker 1: there's still agency in that equation, right if you want 354 00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,760 Speaker 1: to maintain those boundaries of like, do not cross these, 355 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,360 Speaker 1: do not wrong me. I cannot be inconvenienced. I want 356 00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:02,000 Speaker 1: to stress free life. You're totally welcome to do that, 357 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 1: but don't turn around and be surprised when you don't 358 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:12,080 Speaker 1: have any friends anymore or your community is there's nothing there. 359 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,040 Speaker 1: The reason friendship is so beautiful and complex and nourishing, 360 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,879 Speaker 1: and the reason community is so beautiful and complex is 361 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:24,200 Speaker 1: nourishing is because people are complex, and because they surprise us, 362 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,800 Speaker 1: and because they are imperfect. If you want to appreciate 363 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,480 Speaker 1: the full beauty of that, you also have to pay 364 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,560 Speaker 1: the price of being annoyed at people sometimes because they 365 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: piss you off, or inconvenienced because you don't really want 366 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,439 Speaker 1: to pick them up from the airport, but you know 367 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:42,760 Speaker 1: they did it for you the other day, so you 368 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:46,879 Speaker 1: may as well. Or the occasional frustration that comes with 369 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:52,520 Speaker 1: people being unique and individual and not exactly catered to 370 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 1: your needs like a character in a movie. I think 371 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 1: I think personally you get much more and return that way. 372 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:05,640 Speaker 1: True community is messy, because humans are messy. That's why 373 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:11,680 Speaker 1: they are wonderful. Again, you can choose the alternative. You 374 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:15,960 Speaker 1: can continue to live a life where everything is organized 375 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:20,080 Speaker 1: around your convenience. You're so welcome to do so. That's 376 00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: the beautiful thing about therapy and this wave of wellness 377 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 1: and self improvement. People have learned that they have agency 378 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:31,679 Speaker 1: and their emotional choices. You have free will, But I 379 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,640 Speaker 1: don't think your human experience is going to be as 380 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:40,760 Speaker 1: great as it can be if you alternatively accept a 381 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,639 Speaker 1: little bit of discomfort. It's called the law of friction. 382 00:24:44,119 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 1: Some of the best things in life create the most 383 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,760 Speaker 1: friction and discomfort. That's with friendship. With that in mind, 384 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,800 Speaker 1: let's talk about what it takes to be a village 385 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,960 Speaker 1: of these days and the ways that you can create 386 00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:03,359 Speaker 1: the community you want and that you deserve, even when 387 00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:08,000 Speaker 1: it's not easy. Starting with tip number one. This is 388 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:13,919 Speaker 1: the thing that dramatically, dramatically change my friendships more than 389 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 1: anything else. Do you know when you were in high 390 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,720 Speaker 1: school or even primary school and you would like keep 391 00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,800 Speaker 1: track of who messaged you for your birthday, or like, 392 00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,520 Speaker 1: who posted about you on their Instagram story or like 393 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,280 Speaker 1: snapchat for your birthday, and who didn't like. I know 394 00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:30,000 Speaker 1: a lot of us still do this in adulthood in 395 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 1: a different form, keeping track of whether you were the 396 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,040 Speaker 1: last one to reach out, you were the last one 397 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:41,240 Speaker 1: to shout dinner, whatever it is, those little things. I 398 00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:45,120 Speaker 1: need you to stop doing that. I know it feels unnatural, 399 00:25:45,119 --> 00:25:48,320 Speaker 1: but I need you to stop doing that. Everything becomes 400 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,920 Speaker 1: a scoreboard and that eliminates the natural reciprocity that a 401 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,880 Speaker 1: relationship should have. There is a very famous social psychology 402 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,399 Speaker 1: theory that you've definitely heard on this podcast before. It's 403 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,000 Speaker 1: a theory basically says that when we perceive that the 404 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,600 Speaker 1: input and output ratio in a relationship is not fair 405 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,280 Speaker 1: or is it unequal in friendship, it causes tension and 406 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:16,080 Speaker 1: it causes us to be uncomfortable. That's totally understandable, right, 407 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:18,760 Speaker 1: because we want to know that somebody likes us as 408 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,200 Speaker 1: much as we like them, that they're not taking advantage 409 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,520 Speaker 1: of us. But when it's the only thing you pay 410 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:30,679 Speaker 1: attention to, that's not an organic relationship. And additionally, you 411 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:33,640 Speaker 1: have to be able to view that over many years 412 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,200 Speaker 1: if you want long term friendships. Sometimes a friend needs 413 00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: more from you, needs more of the oxygen, needs more 414 00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:43,960 Speaker 1: of the time, and the space to vent needs more support, 415 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:48,080 Speaker 1: sometimes for months on end. If we are constantly weighing 416 00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:52,600 Speaker 1: up the short term stats with that checklist of who 417 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:56,439 Speaker 1: did what last, I think you may incorrectly believe that 418 00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,000 Speaker 1: they are being a bad villager, and that's not always true. 419 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,919 Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to be able to get that bird's 420 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:08,000 Speaker 1: eye view of over years and years, or even over decades, 421 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:12,160 Speaker 1: of the flows that a relationship takes. Secondly, the second 422 00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:16,400 Speaker 1: way you can be a villager is push back against 423 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: your hyperindependence and ask for help. This is something I've 424 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: always struggled with, and you know, I'm a very independent person. 425 00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: Classic and her eldest daughter high achiever, don't need anyone type. 426 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,920 Speaker 1: Moved out a home when I was like seventeen. I'm 427 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:35,960 Speaker 1: sure so many of you relate to this as well. 428 00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,640 Speaker 1: It was a badge of honor to not need help 429 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:44,600 Speaker 1: with anything. What I've realized is that not letting people 430 00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,399 Speaker 1: help me is actually doing both of us a disservice. 431 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,040 Speaker 1: I struggle more, I feel more in over my head, 432 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,560 Speaker 1: but it's also denying someone else the opportunity they would 433 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,320 Speaker 1: like to show you that they love you. In their way. 434 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,760 Speaker 1: You are denying sometimes their love language of acts of service. 435 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:07,120 Speaker 1: But also they want to do this. This is this 436 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,480 Speaker 1: is this weird thing. Letting people help you is more 437 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 1: of a gift to other people sometimes, and so not 438 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,679 Speaker 1: letting them do that because you think it's a you 439 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:18,119 Speaker 1: think it's an annoyance to them, means you're limiting them 440 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:22,159 Speaker 1: in a way. I think it's very, very hard to 441 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:26,440 Speaker 1: not feel like a burden when you ask people for 442 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,879 Speaker 1: help when you move, or when you ask them to 443 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,679 Speaker 1: pick you up from the airport or to take you 444 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 1: to doctor's appointments, or you know, get up early and 445 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,760 Speaker 1: give you a lift somewhere. But what I found, and 446 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,200 Speaker 1: I want you to reflect on your own experiences here, 447 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: is that any times I have been asked that, and 448 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,680 Speaker 1: somebody's asked me to do them a favor or to 449 00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,800 Speaker 1: help them or to come early to the party, oh 450 00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:53,600 Speaker 1: my god, I'm I feel such like a swelling in 451 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,280 Speaker 1: my heart. I get so excited. I'm like I they 452 00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,200 Speaker 1: have trusted me. They must really love me. Our friendship 453 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,520 Speaker 1: must be like really really, they must think I'm a 454 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: great friend, And that's a beautiful feeling. Being a villager 455 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:14,760 Speaker 1: isn't just letting others lean on you. It's leaning on 456 00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:19,000 Speaker 1: them as well and letting yourself be helped rather than 457 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:25,880 Speaker 1: isolating yourself further. Also, the more you maintain loyalty to 458 00:29:25,920 --> 00:29:30,320 Speaker 1: your hyperindependence the kind of the more exhausted you're going 459 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:32,560 Speaker 1: to be, and that is not going to give you 460 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 1: the mental energy, the cognitive energy to show up for others. 461 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:41,400 Speaker 1: So you have to be okay with saying yes, I 462 00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 1: do need help and asking for help and understanding that's 463 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,960 Speaker 1: a gift for both people. Number three, remember the times 464 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:52,000 Speaker 1: that you were tired and you went anyways. A really 465 00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 1: important part of accepting that friendship is going to be 466 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:59,640 Speaker 1: inconvenient is remembering that that inconvenience still brings with it 467 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:03,480 Speaker 1: a reflecting on your own memories and looking back in 468 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:08,640 Speaker 1: the past and distinctly keeping a bank of times where 469 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:10,880 Speaker 1: you were like, I really don't want to go. This 470 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:13,840 Speaker 1: is going to be terrible and it was great anyways. 471 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:19,239 Speaker 1: Is so important for learning that association between sometimes being 472 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,600 Speaker 1: a little bit annoyed, sometimes being tired, too tired to 473 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:24,720 Speaker 1: go you think, and actually being rewarded and I don't 474 00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:28,680 Speaker 1: want to say for that sacrifice, but rewarded for pushing through. 475 00:30:30,040 --> 00:30:33,880 Speaker 1: Fourth tip, if you're really struggling with like building community, 476 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:38,240 Speaker 1: pick two non negotiable social days a week. This is 477 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:42,840 Speaker 1: something I've been employing since moving to London. Consistently showing 478 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:47,719 Speaker 1: up despite your mood, just being in physical closeness to 479 00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:51,760 Speaker 1: other people is a fantastic way to build the village. 480 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:55,160 Speaker 1: Right back in the day, the village was really united 481 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,680 Speaker 1: by geographical closeness and people who lived next door to 482 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:02,640 Speaker 1: you and people who traveled with you and we're maybe 483 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:05,720 Speaker 1: nomadic with you or who were in the hot next door. Like, yes, 484 00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:08,680 Speaker 1: we've lost that closeness with the increase in I guess 485 00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:13,600 Speaker 1: individualism and how spread out we are across the world. 486 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:20,600 Speaker 1: But every community, neighborhood, suburb, city still has those community hubs, 487 00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:26,480 Speaker 1: still has gyms, pubs, libraries, choirs that you can go to. 488 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,760 Speaker 1: So having two days a week where you're like, this 489 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:32,080 Speaker 1: is my this is the this is the price I 490 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:34,240 Speaker 1: pay to be in community and these are the days 491 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to devote just to being out there is 492 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:40,880 Speaker 1: highly effective. I would also say number five kind of 493 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:43,920 Speaker 1: similar to this. Actually it's totally not it's completely different, 494 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,840 Speaker 1: but I'm like, oh, because it has to do with community. No, 495 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:51,120 Speaker 1: it's different. But number five, if you're struggling, invite your 496 00:31:51,120 --> 00:31:54,880 Speaker 1: friends to do chores with you. Sometimes having those two 497 00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,840 Speaker 1: big social days a week that is a lot for 498 00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:01,200 Speaker 1: some people, right, And it's expensive. It's expensive, especially if 499 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 1: you live in a big city to go out and 500 00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,720 Speaker 1: have to be You have to buy drinks, have to 501 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,360 Speaker 1: pay for the movie tickets, have to go out for 502 00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 1: dinner twice a week. It's expensive. Dinner in London is 503 00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,160 Speaker 1: like forty pounds at the moment. Like, doing that twice 504 00:32:15,160 --> 00:32:19,080 Speaker 1: a week is sometimes not an option. Find those kind 505 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:23,080 Speaker 1: of more low effort things that you want to do 506 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:26,680 Speaker 1: with people. Chores are fantastic. Your ability to do chores 507 00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:28,600 Speaker 1: with somebody, I think that that is a marker of 508 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,240 Speaker 1: whether you are good friends or not. It's one of 509 00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:34,080 Speaker 1: my best memories with my good friend Aaron. It was 510 00:32:34,080 --> 00:32:35,840 Speaker 1: when we lived in Canberra and we would just go 511 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: to what was it the Dixon Grocery store for hours. 512 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:41,760 Speaker 1: I had a terrible roommate at a time. At the time, 513 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:43,320 Speaker 1: like I really didn't want to be in the house 514 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:46,000 Speaker 1: and we would just walk up and down and up 515 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:50,080 Speaker 1: and down those aisles. Sounds really lame, but you know what, 516 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:53,800 Speaker 1: anything to be in closeness with somebody I think is amazing. 517 00:32:55,040 --> 00:33:02,800 Speaker 1: Number six. Remember to keep track of milestones and consciously 518 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:07,720 Speaker 1: budget either time or money to make those milestones feel 519 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:14,080 Speaker 1: important for others. I just feel like we don't celebrate 520 00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:18,320 Speaker 1: each other enough, and especially if you are like friends 521 00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:20,959 Speaker 1: with a lot of really cool people who are always 522 00:33:20,960 --> 00:33:24,240 Speaker 1: doing amazing things, sometimes we forget that they still want 523 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: to be celebrated, and that we're all kind of little 524 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:30,600 Speaker 1: kids in a way who want somebody to remember our birthday, 525 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,720 Speaker 1: and who want somebody to remember our first day of school, 526 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:35,760 Speaker 1: our first day of a new job, and who want 527 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,520 Speaker 1: people to remember that like, hey, that was a really 528 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 1: hard thing and I'm getting through it, and like that 529 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:44,719 Speaker 1: in itself deserves a reward. I think I don't know 530 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,880 Speaker 1: to speak from personal experience and to kind of break 531 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,080 Speaker 1: the fourth wall here, especially if you're watching on Netflix, 532 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:54,720 Speaker 1: like when Netflix, when this whole Netflix thing happened. It 533 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,440 Speaker 1: was kind of sad in a way because I felt 534 00:33:58,440 --> 00:34:00,400 Speaker 1: like this huge thing was happening, and I was looking 535 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:05,760 Speaker 1: around for people to like celebrate with, and some people 536 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,840 Speaker 1: who I really would have expected to be there for 537 00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:10,680 Speaker 1: me and to want to celebrate with me for that 538 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:16,640 Speaker 1: just want and that really that hurt, and that really stung. 539 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:20,160 Speaker 1: And I think having that experience has made me realize, hey, 540 00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,880 Speaker 1: but am I doing that for others? And if I 541 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,640 Speaker 1: want to be part of the village like I've got 542 00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:27,719 Speaker 1: to be, sometimes you've got to set the example. And 543 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:30,240 Speaker 1: I think one of the greatest ways to show people 544 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,840 Speaker 1: that you care and that you listen is remembering just 545 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:39,480 Speaker 1: the smallest things and every week putting ten twenty fifty 546 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,799 Speaker 1: dollars into an account just for social money and just 547 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:48,160 Speaker 1: for milestone money and celebratory money, so that you can 548 00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:52,560 Speaker 1: be a presence in somebody's life during their milestones. When 549 00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:54,400 Speaker 1: they look back at the memory of a milestone, of 550 00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,000 Speaker 1: a birthday, of an engagement, of a new job, of 551 00:34:57,040 --> 00:35:00,839 Speaker 1: a new house, you are there and you are part 552 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,560 Speaker 1: of their kind of life story. Okay, we're going to 553 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:07,520 Speaker 1: take one more short break here, but when we return, 554 00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:10,480 Speaker 1: let's talk also about one of friendship is perhaps becoming 555 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,200 Speaker 1: too one sided, and when it's no longer inconvenience, it's 556 00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:22,600 Speaker 1: a burden to be around those people stay with us, 557 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:26,839 Speaker 1: I know, I said, we talk about when it's maybe 558 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,200 Speaker 1: time to kick somebody out of the village. But before that, 559 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: one more tip, because it has something to do with this, 560 00:35:33,080 --> 00:35:36,080 Speaker 1: You gotta fight more with your friends. I don't know 561 00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:38,359 Speaker 1: what tip we're up to. Tip number seven. You have 562 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,080 Speaker 1: to voice frustrations and you have to learn how to 563 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:43,920 Speaker 1: fight with your friends. You deserve to fight with your friends. 564 00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:48,319 Speaker 1: You deserve friends who will fight with you and for you, 565 00:35:48,520 --> 00:35:50,600 Speaker 1: because those are the same things. When I was younger, 566 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,800 Speaker 1: I know so many people are the same. Conflict to 567 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:54,799 Speaker 1: me was like that was the end. The first time 568 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,239 Speaker 1: somebody mentioned a grievance was the last time, because the 569 00:35:57,239 --> 00:36:02,040 Speaker 1: friendship was over. But having these little arguments, disagreements, sometimes 570 00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:06,920 Speaker 1: having confrontation, I think nowadays shows that you care way 571 00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:10,640 Speaker 1: more than those times that you just are like you 572 00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:14,120 Speaker 1: voice something and you're like done, This friendship's sover because 573 00:36:15,160 --> 00:36:17,080 Speaker 1: when you get to that point of being like I'm 574 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:20,680 Speaker 1: so frustrated by this that saying it is the last 575 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:24,440 Speaker 1: word that I can say because I've already detached myself 576 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:26,440 Speaker 1: from this relationship in our mind, Like, that's not real 577 00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:30,480 Speaker 1: friendship fighting with somebody when it's deeply uncomfortable and it's 578 00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:32,759 Speaker 1: really you don't know how it's going to go. That 579 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:36,000 Speaker 1: shows dedication, and I think that's what we all deserve, 580 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:41,120 Speaker 1: versus the ghost, versus the fizzle. I think again, I've 581 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:43,799 Speaker 1: said this on the podcast before. It is a real 582 00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:45,799 Speaker 1: sign of emotional maturity. And that is how I knew 583 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:49,480 Speaker 1: my frontal low but developed and I had emotionally matured 584 00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:53,359 Speaker 1: to another level. Was when I realized, like, again, if 585 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:57,200 Speaker 1: I have a problem, I find that the solution of 586 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:01,759 Speaker 1: saying it is the one that I will most likely pursue. 587 00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:04,560 Speaker 1: It's just also, I think the opportunity for a new beginning, 588 00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:08,520 Speaker 1: and it's a way of kind of I don't know, 589 00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:10,920 Speaker 1: of relating to somebody else, and it's kind of like 590 00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,400 Speaker 1: a bonding experience. The shift is so powerful, right, Like 591 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:17,200 Speaker 1: one of the best things is having a fight with 592 00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:19,440 Speaker 1: your friend and then three weeks later being able to 593 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:20,919 Speaker 1: be like, oh my god, remember that fight we had 594 00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:25,400 Speaker 1: and we moved through it, and you stop treating every 595 00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:28,440 Speaker 1: small thing, the things that come up naturally in friendships, 596 00:37:28,960 --> 00:37:33,240 Speaker 1: like an emergency, you stop panicking and performing and people 597 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:37,040 Speaker 1: pleasing your way out of the discomfort, and instead you 598 00:37:37,080 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: get curious. You start seeing it as information like, Okay, 599 00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,680 Speaker 1: something is happening here, something needs to be said, something 600 00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:48,880 Speaker 1: needs to change. Conflict is communication. It becomes the relationship 601 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:52,600 Speaker 1: showing you where your boundaries are, where your values are, 602 00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:56,000 Speaker 1: where your needs haven't been spoken out loud yet. It's 603 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,640 Speaker 1: not a sign the relationship is broken. It's often a 604 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,799 Speaker 1: sign that it's becoming real and it's developing to a 605 00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,680 Speaker 1: new level. I always say this as well, and I'm 606 00:38:04,719 --> 00:38:07,000 Speaker 1: going to stop lingering on this after this point, I promise. 607 00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:09,600 Speaker 1: But once you have had your first fight with a 608 00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,319 Speaker 1: friend and you've survived that, that's when you can call 609 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: them a real friend. I remember having my first big, 610 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:17,040 Speaker 1: like falling out fight with my one of my best 611 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:20,560 Speaker 1: friends in the world, Meg, and afterwards I was like, cool, 612 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,600 Speaker 1: so you're not ever going anywhere, because if we got 613 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:27,040 Speaker 1: through this, we can get through anything. Let's return to 614 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,800 Speaker 1: what I was originally saying, when do you kick somebody 615 00:38:30,040 --> 00:38:34,759 Speaker 1: out of the village? When is a friendship too inconvenient 616 00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:37,160 Speaker 1: to keep up? Because there is a line, and there's 617 00:38:37,280 --> 00:38:41,440 Speaker 1: always going to be free loaders in society and in 618 00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:45,960 Speaker 1: the village who want the rewards without paying their social dues. 619 00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:49,040 Speaker 1: I know I said not to keep score. I know 620 00:38:49,080 --> 00:38:51,200 Speaker 1: I'm going to sound like a hypocrite. I know I 621 00:38:51,239 --> 00:38:53,520 Speaker 1: said not to treat friendship like a point system. But 622 00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:56,480 Speaker 1: there is a feeling you will get when you realize, 623 00:38:57,719 --> 00:38:59,799 Speaker 1: oh wait, wait, wait, I'm the only one invested here. 624 00:39:00,680 --> 00:39:04,279 Speaker 1: A few busy months, I'd let that slide, you know. 625 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:08,680 Speaker 1: I know, I've had those really busy moments where I'm like, sorry, gals, 626 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,200 Speaker 1: I've got to cancel more plans than i can attend 627 00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:14,240 Speaker 1: because I have to work, and like, life is busy, 628 00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:15,960 Speaker 1: and when you're the boss, like that's kind of just 629 00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:18,480 Speaker 1: the way it is. And I'm really glad my friends 630 00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:22,280 Speaker 1: gave me grace for that. Life gets busy. We're adults, 631 00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:25,400 Speaker 1: we know that. Also. People have different energy levels, people 632 00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:29,840 Speaker 1: have care and responsibilities, people have health problems. Also important 633 00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:33,640 Speaker 1: to know that about your friends. But it's when, and 634 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:38,360 Speaker 1: this is the distinction, when you find yourself doing things 635 00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:42,839 Speaker 1: for them they would never do for you, or specifically 636 00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,480 Speaker 1: they have had the chance to do that for you, 637 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:50,279 Speaker 1: and they haven't. It's not about cutting them off at 638 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:54,600 Speaker 1: that point, but having that conversation setting expectations. Everyone can 639 00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,440 Speaker 1: be unaware. Everyone can have a rough season. But if 640 00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:01,200 Speaker 1: you have expressed that you feel taken for granted or 641 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:03,680 Speaker 1: that you need more effort, they need to make plans, 642 00:40:04,400 --> 00:40:07,640 Speaker 1: and they either dismiss you, guilt, you promise, they change, 643 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:10,080 Speaker 1: to change, and then they never do repeat the same behavior. 644 00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:14,239 Speaker 1: That's not a misunderstanding. You have been understood. That is 645 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:19,000 Speaker 1: a pattern, and patterns are what decide outcomes, not potential. 646 00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:23,120 Speaker 1: Like I said, you want a village, learn how to 647 00:40:23,160 --> 00:40:26,680 Speaker 1: approach these hard conversations, and also learn that this may 648 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:30,120 Speaker 1: be not isn't necessarily the end. It might just be 649 00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,680 Speaker 1: the beginning of a new way your friendship operates. But 650 00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:38,720 Speaker 1: if they do something that you would never imagine doing 651 00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:45,479 Speaker 1: to someone, to them, to a stranger, even to an enemy, 652 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:48,879 Speaker 1: it's not that this person doesn't deserve a village, they 653 00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:53,040 Speaker 1: just don't deserve to be in yours. Your village has standards. 654 00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:57,880 Speaker 1: And we're again not talking about mild inconveniences. We're not 655 00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:01,760 Speaker 1: talking about things are apologetic for, but things that show 656 00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:05,680 Speaker 1: a value mismatch. You're allowed to say this is not 657 00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:09,040 Speaker 1: what our village does. I can't have you here cheating 658 00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:13,240 Speaker 1: on a partner, hurting somebody else, betraying somebody else. Lying. 659 00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:17,720 Speaker 1: A village runs on values. What ones do you personally 660 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:20,279 Speaker 1: want to see in others that you are committing to 661 00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:26,040 Speaker 1: displaying yourself. Finally, the final criteria I think that a 662 00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:30,359 Speaker 1: friendships has gone too far as too inconvenient is when 663 00:41:30,400 --> 00:41:34,480 Speaker 1: it creates more stress than safety. And that's a feeling 664 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:36,839 Speaker 1: that you will if you've ever bit in this situation before, 665 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:39,960 Speaker 1: you understand not every friendship needs to be deep, but 666 00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:43,360 Speaker 1: it at least needs to be stable. If spending time 667 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:48,239 Speaker 1: with a friend feels like bracing for a terrible mood, 668 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:54,480 Speaker 1: managing their reactions, anticipating passive aggression, walking on eggshells, if 669 00:41:54,520 --> 00:42:01,120 Speaker 1: it feels exhausting in like an emotional, soulful way, it 670 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:04,239 Speaker 1: stops being about companionship. I think it becomes a form 671 00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,600 Speaker 1: of like you're regulating them, and that is exhausting. And 672 00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:12,719 Speaker 1: if you find yourself avoiding situations being really excited when 673 00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,360 Speaker 1: they cancel plans, that is the biggest one. The moment 674 00:42:15,520 --> 00:42:19,040 Speaker 1: you feel excited that somebody has canceled a plan, I 675 00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:21,960 Speaker 1: think you need to place them elsewhere in your friend universe. 676 00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:25,800 Speaker 1: And I wrote about this in my book Your Friendship 677 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:30,359 Speaker 1: Universe has three circles. The inner circle, the good like 678 00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:34,120 Speaker 1: the second circle in the third circle, where someone sits 679 00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:38,920 Speaker 1: in that circle determines essentially the nature of your relationship. 680 00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:41,600 Speaker 1: The center of the circle, you should never be excited 681 00:42:41,640 --> 00:42:43,720 Speaker 1: if somebody at the center of the circle cancels plans. 682 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,480 Speaker 1: Center of a circle, you should never be excited if 683 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:52,800 Speaker 1: they can't make it. Third circle. Your expectations are a 684 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:58,600 Speaker 1: little bit different there still in the still in the galaxy. 685 00:42:58,719 --> 00:43:01,279 Speaker 1: They just don't have to be a huge priority. You 686 00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:05,280 Speaker 1: don't have to drop a friend, shift your expectations shift 687 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:10,400 Speaker 1: their place in the friendship galaxy. Some final reminders before 688 00:43:10,440 --> 00:43:14,080 Speaker 1: we go, remember as well. I don't think I've spoken 689 00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:17,040 Speaker 1: about this enough, but a village takes time. If you 690 00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:19,160 Speaker 1: don't have it yet, if it feels like you'll never 691 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:22,040 Speaker 1: have it, I have to remind you everyone who has 692 00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:25,360 Speaker 1: a village now at some point didn't have one and 693 00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:27,600 Speaker 1: at some stage felt like they would never have it. 694 00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:31,040 Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to destroy the old for the new 695 00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:32,920 Speaker 1: as well. You know, I thought I had a village 696 00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:36,239 Speaker 1: at university. I didn't, and I was clinging to those 697 00:43:36,280 --> 00:43:39,360 Speaker 1: people and trying to drag them into activities and into 698 00:43:39,760 --> 00:43:42,920 Speaker 1: ways of engaging that I knew I enjoyed, they weren't 699 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,320 Speaker 1: ever going to, and it just made me feel terrible 700 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:48,440 Speaker 1: about myself. When I got out of that environment, when 701 00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:51,280 Speaker 1: I gave myself space and time to just think about 702 00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:54,120 Speaker 1: what I wanted in friendship, you know, the way I 703 00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:56,480 Speaker 1: thought about what I wanted in dating in Korea, it 704 00:43:56,560 --> 00:44:03,080 Speaker 1: was very easy to separate myself and to understand that 705 00:44:03,120 --> 00:44:06,359 Speaker 1: you know, again, maybe the village I wanted didn't share 706 00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:10,560 Speaker 1: the same values. Similarly, like make sure you still have 707 00:44:10,640 --> 00:44:13,080 Speaker 1: time for yourself. I know I placed this big emphasis 708 00:44:13,080 --> 00:44:19,480 Speaker 1: on like recognizing selfishness in boundaries, clothing, and not over 709 00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:22,919 Speaker 1: using the two tired excuse. But social burnout is still real, 710 00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,440 Speaker 1: especially if you're adapting to a new way of showing up. 711 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:28,799 Speaker 1: My guideline for myself is always a day and a 712 00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:32,920 Speaker 1: half or a day of alone time per week, nourishing 713 00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,640 Speaker 1: alone time, just to make sure I'm not you know, 714 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,719 Speaker 1: I'm pouring into my own cup as well. I want 715 00:44:37,719 --> 00:44:41,000 Speaker 1: to be a good villager. A good villager has the 716 00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:43,920 Speaker 1: patience and the time and the energy to do that, 717 00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:47,080 Speaker 1: but we're all still learning, you know, We're all still 718 00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:51,000 Speaker 1: learning our balances, and I think getting corrections from friends 719 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,799 Speaker 1: is something you have to be open to. You also 720 00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:56,359 Speaker 1: have to be open to doing that as well. And 721 00:44:56,719 --> 00:44:59,359 Speaker 1: just having patience and forgiveness for people. I really think 722 00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:03,439 Speaker 1: that's what we need more of. Thank you so much 723 00:45:03,440 --> 00:45:06,160 Speaker 1: for listening. If you have made it this far. If 724 00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:09,280 Speaker 1: you are listening on Spotify, leave a comment down below. 725 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:14,319 Speaker 1: What are your tips for being a good villager that 726 00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:18,359 Speaker 1: maybe I haven't included. I would love to hear from you. 727 00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:22,640 Speaker 1: Make sure you are following us on Instagram TikTok. Remember 728 00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:24,600 Speaker 1: if you are listening to the podcast, we are now 729 00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:26,399 Speaker 1: on Netflix if you want to go and watch over 730 00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:29,400 Speaker 1: there to get an even more intimate feeling. But I 731 00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:32,879 Speaker 1: appreciate your interest in this topic. I appreciate you being 732 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:36,319 Speaker 1: as fascinated by this as I am. Until next time, 733 00:45:36,480 --> 00:45:39,520 Speaker 1: be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. Good luck 734 00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:42,520 Speaker 1: with the village, good luck being a villager. We will 735 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:43,959 Speaker 1: talk very very soon.