WEBVTT - Life in a Year 0:00:01.880 --> 0:00:05.120 Wind Down with Janley Kramer and Michael Coffman an I'm 0:00:05.120 --> 0:00:06.399 her radio podcast. 0:00:06.880 --> 0:00:10.000 You know, I'm never the culprit of misplacing things, really 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:11.720 not as often as you. 0:00:13.160 --> 0:00:15.640 But I was just trying to find my car keys 0:00:15.680 --> 0:00:20.120 that you misplaced about in the start of quarantine. Still 0:00:20.160 --> 0:00:21.599 can't find those bad suckers. 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:23.480 I think that was actually like a year ago. 0:00:23.960 --> 0:00:26.200 No, it was when we got the chickens. It was 0:00:26.200 --> 0:00:28.080 the day of the chickens when my keys went missing, 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:34.440 and thank you, but you have it's like you you 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:36.680 say to me all the time, that's been my what's 0:00:36.720 --> 0:00:37.440 that thing called? Like? 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.000 Wh're my kicker? Was that? 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:40.199 No? 0:00:40.240 --> 0:00:40.800 What's it called? 0:00:40.800 --> 0:00:40.879 Like? 0:00:40.920 --> 0:00:44.120 Where I'm like my trump card? Because he's always like 0:00:44.200 --> 0:00:46.120 you don't ever, which is funny because I always put 0:00:46.120 --> 0:00:47.040 things back in its place. 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:48.559 But I have a tendency to be like, oh. 0:00:48.560 --> 0:00:51.200 Where's my phone or where's like this when it comes 0:00:51.240 --> 0:00:54.840 to like my personal things. But every time you say that, 0:00:54.880 --> 0:00:56.240 I'm like, I don't want to hear it. I was like, 0:00:56.360 --> 0:00:57.600 you lost my keys. 0:00:59.280 --> 0:01:02.760 No matter what it is, you always bring that up. 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:04.000 There's nothing I can do about it. 0:01:04.040 --> 0:01:05.160 But why were you saying that? 0:01:05.720 --> 0:01:05.920 Oh? 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:09.360 Because I was frantically looking for my phone just now, 0:01:09.400 --> 0:01:11.800 and I thought I lost my mind. I didn't even 0:01:11.880 --> 0:01:13.200 remember the last place I had it. 0:01:13.240 --> 0:01:16.520 And the best part about that, though, is he was 0:01:16.560 --> 0:01:20.360 looking here for his phone, getting so for ten minutes flustered. 0:01:20.440 --> 0:01:24.840 It was like thirty and thirty and he's like getting 0:01:24.840 --> 0:01:26.920 all like worked up, and I'm like, okay, well, let's 0:01:26.920 --> 0:01:30.200 just retrace your steps, like let's figure this out. And 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:32.720 he's just getting more flustered and flustered. And I was like, 0:01:32.880 --> 0:01:34.199 I am to go to the bathroom and then I'll 0:01:34.240 --> 0:01:36.080 come look for it the first place I look. 0:01:36.720 --> 0:01:38.080 Of course it was there. 0:01:38.200 --> 0:01:41.160 It was there. I was like, I always got to 0:01:41.240 --> 0:01:44.400 check the couch. That's like, I think I checked. 0:01:44.319 --> 0:01:46.520 All the couch except for that one. 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:50.920 Well, I hope all of y'all had a great Christmas, 0:01:51.120 --> 0:01:55.360 however it was spent. I'm so excited for the new year. 0:01:55.600 --> 0:01:56.559 I can't wait. 0:01:56.880 --> 0:01:59.960 I have a fear though, around the new Year that everyone, 0:02:00.280 --> 0:02:02.200 like people already put a lot of weight in like 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:05.320 new Year, knew me, it's new year, like whatever. This 0:02:05.400 --> 0:02:08.480 year especially, I feel like people are gonna put so 0:02:08.760 --> 0:02:10.960 many eggs in that basket. 0:02:10.560 --> 0:02:13.040 Which is great, they should. I'm gonna do that. 0:02:13.080 --> 0:02:15.880 I'm like, what can I do to you know, feel 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:20.160 my best, look the best, be healthiest, Like yeah, but. 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:22.040 You'll fall through and do it. But I'm saying people 0:02:22.160 --> 0:02:25.680 might have twenty twenty one such high expectations because they're like, well, 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:28.320 it's just naturally gonna be better because it can't get 0:02:28.320 --> 0:02:30.639 worse than this year, and who knows it might. 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:35.440 I mean, I think, you know, I think the expectation, 0:02:35.600 --> 0:02:37.360 like you said, if twenty twenty one is really high, 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:40.520 but I think it's really bad to set expectations just 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.560 in general, Yeah, because you're gonna get let down. 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:47.600 And there's a difference between setting expectations and setting goals 0:02:48.000 --> 0:02:50.079 because there's people there's people that are like, I don't 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:51.760 set goals because then that way I won't be let down. 0:02:51.840 --> 0:02:54.519 It's like e doesn't really work like that. But okay, 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:55.240 beats theorem. 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.000 But I mean I do think, I mean, hopefully it's 0:02:59.000 --> 0:03:01.040 a better year. But the same time, I still kind 0:03:01.080 --> 0:03:05.040 of where as you think that I'm not half full 0:03:05.639 --> 0:03:08.040 in this area of my life is where I'm like, no, 0:03:08.120 --> 0:03:10.440 it was a yeah, I was troubling and there was 0:03:10.440 --> 0:03:13.320 hard times, but I also I'm like, Okay, what's what 0:03:13.400 --> 0:03:15.760 was the what was the positives? All the time we 0:03:15.760 --> 0:03:18.440 spent with our kids all the So it's like I 0:03:18.520 --> 0:03:20.640 try to think about those things to be like, Okay, 0:03:21.200 --> 0:03:23.359 you know, how can I bring some of those things 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:25.440 that I learned in twenty twenty to do better in 0:03:25.480 --> 0:03:28.320 twenty twenty one? Is a better person, as a happier person, 0:03:28.440 --> 0:03:29.680 as a more patient person. 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:33.640 Look at that, Mama jan is dropping knowledge on inspiration 0:03:33.760 --> 0:03:34.280 on everybody. 0:03:34.440 --> 0:03:37.040 I'm not I'm just saying girl, but like, I'm just 0:03:37.080 --> 0:03:40.840 excited for those opportunities. And you know, it's not Christmas 0:03:40.880 --> 0:03:45.120 anymore because we're on the brink of another celebration. 0:03:46.440 --> 0:03:50.760 You know, I have a hard time calling it a celebration. 0:03:52.040 --> 0:03:54.680 And my therapist even got on me, got on me 0:03:54.760 --> 0:03:59.360 for this last week because it'll be a year of 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:03.040 sobriety for me on New Year's Eve and so just 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:07.840 my my shame and stuff wants to just not shed 0:04:07.920 --> 0:04:13.640 let light on it at all and just treat it 0:04:13.640 --> 0:04:20.560 like another day because it is. And I don't know, man, 0:04:20.600 --> 0:04:23.400 it's just hard because I think I have a lot 0:04:23.440 --> 0:04:28.960 of shame around it with you know, I wish this 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:31.000 was the four year. 0:04:32.360 --> 0:04:32.840 You know what I mean? 0:04:34.400 --> 0:04:38.440 And it's like thinking back on the you know, bumps 0:04:38.480 --> 0:04:44.240 and major obstacles that we faced the last four years. 0:04:44.480 --> 0:04:51.960 It's just you know, four or five years. It's it's 0:04:52.000 --> 0:04:54.240 just hard to to not look back. And I'm sure 0:04:54.240 --> 0:04:54.920 you're the same way. 0:04:56.640 --> 0:04:57.039 Yeah, I know. 0:04:57.080 --> 0:05:00.080 I talked about with my therapists last week in it 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:04.120 was one of those things where it's like, you know, 0:05:04.279 --> 0:05:06.920 I was like, how do I balance because I'm like, 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:10.960 I'm angry, but I'm also wanting to be supportive. I 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:13.440 was like, how can I balance being supportive and being 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:17.480 really triggered and really hurt and let down. 0:05:17.279 --> 0:05:19.320 Without you know. So it's like I'm like, how do 0:05:19.360 --> 0:05:20.120 I how do you balance that? 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:23.760 Because I'm like, this is his third or second, third 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:26.600 or second birthday. I've thrown you where it's like I'm like, 0:05:26.600 --> 0:05:28.080 I don't want to bake a cake anymore and now 0:05:28.080 --> 0:05:30.120 I'm angry, like how many more one year cakes am I. 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:30.880 Going to make? You know? 0:05:31.040 --> 0:05:32.880 And I don't want anything, like I don't. 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:35.919 So I think that's like you know, but I'm like, 0:05:35.960 --> 0:05:37.640 but I want to be supportive. So I'm like, how 0:05:37.640 --> 0:05:41.560 do you like balance that that walk with like wanting 0:05:41.560 --> 0:05:45.120 to be a supportive spouse, but also being like, well, 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:46.880 how many more times are we going to throw this party? 0:05:47.080 --> 0:05:47.200 Right? 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:51.400 You know, We're going to have a good friend of yours, 0:05:52.880 --> 0:05:57.719 Brian Davis, who is openly a sex addict. 0:05:57.440 --> 0:05:59.280 As well, sex and love addict, sex and. 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:03.400 Love addict slaw, and we'll have her on and we'll 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:07.080 kind of talk about some of this. You know, she's 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:08.840 been sober what eleven years? 0:06:09.080 --> 0:06:13.080 Yeah, she just celebrated her eleven year sobriety on December sixth, 0:06:13.120 --> 0:06:14.560 and Brandon I did a movie together. 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:20.880 We met on prom night and the movie prom night. 0:06:19.600 --> 0:06:23.800 Sorry, the movie prom night. And yeah, we we just 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:27.640 we've stayed in touch. But it's it's funny just to 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.599 like tea up Brian a little bit when I was 0:06:30.600 --> 0:06:33.720 doing Dancing with the Stars. And by the way, she's 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:36.480 gone on to you know, be on TV shows like 0:06:36.640 --> 0:06:40.920 six and True Blood, True Blood jar Head opposite Jake 0:06:40.960 --> 0:06:43.160 Jill and Hollock. She's, you know, she's an amazing actress 0:06:43.200 --> 0:06:46.000 and you know she's you know, she's she's really really good. 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:47.800 She's gonna be on Lucifer this next season too. 0:06:48.600 --> 0:06:48.880 Yep. 0:06:50.240 --> 0:06:53.640 And then so we kind of lost touch a little 0:06:53.640 --> 0:06:55.039 bit when I was doing the country stuff, but we 0:06:55.040 --> 0:06:58.280 always you know, said hello, and you know, Facebook or 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:03.040 whatever it was then MySpace, I don't know. And when 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:04.760 I was doing Dancing with the Stars and then all 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.080 of the stuff came about about your sex addiction, she 0:07:07.400 --> 0:07:09.920 reached out to me and was like, hey, you know, 0:07:09.960 --> 0:07:13.000 would love to meet. So we met at Catsuya in 0:07:13.040 --> 0:07:18.080 California in the in the valley and you know, and 0:07:18.120 --> 0:07:19.480 I just kind of thought we were going to have 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:22.720 like a bashing session about you and you because you 0:07:22.720 --> 0:07:28.520 were in rehab and r and she was like, I'm 0:07:28.560 --> 0:07:31.280 actually a sex and love addict and I was like what. 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:35.720 So you know, I learned a lot from Brion and 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:36.640 she's kind of been my. 0:07:38.480 --> 0:07:38.880 Sponsor. 0:07:38.960 --> 0:07:41.480 Like she was the one I called when I found 0:07:41.520 --> 0:07:45.040 out about you hiding like the fake accounts last year 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:47.960 and the deleting of the you know, your messages with 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:52.040 the woman so we're the lady or whatever, and so 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:53.960 you know, I called her. So she's kind of always 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.200 the person that I've called in those moments and when 0:07:57.200 --> 0:07:59.360 I'm like, you know, about ready to jump from a 0:07:59.360 --> 0:08:02.720 bridge to to be like what do I do and 0:08:02.760 --> 0:08:04.240 how do I handle this? And you know, I think 0:08:04.480 --> 0:08:07.240 you guys even spoke at a time or two during 0:08:07.400 --> 0:08:10.680 last year and stuff, because she's very much in her 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:13.360 program and you know, she's a sponsor to a lot 0:08:13.360 --> 0:08:16.480 of people, and I mean, eleven years is incredible. So 0:08:17.320 --> 0:08:20.000 and just you know her stories and but I'm really 0:08:20.000 --> 0:08:23.480 excited to have her on. But first, let's let me 0:08:23.560 --> 0:08:26.200 check in with you, Mike. How are you feeling, just 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:27.120 like diving. 0:08:26.840 --> 0:08:27.400 Into this. 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:29.720 Again. 0:08:29.800 --> 0:08:33.760 I think it's it's uncomfortable for me as well, because 0:08:33.800 --> 0:08:36.320 I don't want to really shed a light on it. 0:08:36.360 --> 0:08:38.400 I just want it. It's just another day. It's just 0:08:39.400 --> 0:08:43.080 it is, and it isn't you know. And for me 0:08:43.240 --> 0:08:46.959 with my my personality of nothing ever being good enough, 0:08:48.280 --> 0:08:50.320 like things that I do not being good enough, I'm 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:52.080 just like, all right, what's it like I might feel 0:08:52.080 --> 0:08:54.960 the same way in ten years. Okay, it's ten years whatever, 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:56.720 keep going right. 0:08:56.520 --> 0:08:59.160 But you still should celebrate like one year is great, 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:02.040 Like you've stayed to the our knowledge, You've stayed straight, 0:09:02.720 --> 0:09:04.040 you know, for one year, and. 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:05.319 That's a big accomplishment. 0:09:05.440 --> 0:09:07.920 Now if you get two years, you will never like 0:09:08.080 --> 0:09:09.840 you can be like, hey, I've never hit two years before, 0:09:09.880 --> 0:09:13.559 Like that's great, you know, Yeah, I mean it should 0:09:13.600 --> 0:09:15.360 be encouragement. You should celebrate it. 0:09:15.360 --> 0:09:15.679 It is. 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:19.160 I'm encouraged that this is a legitimate year. That's nice, 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:22.040 you know what I mean. Like, so it does feel different, 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:28.000 but it's you know again, it's it's just still uncomfortable. 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:29.360 There are a lot of stuff, you know, for both 0:09:29.400 --> 0:09:29.679 of us. 0:09:30.640 --> 0:09:33.559 So all right, well let's take a quick break and 0:09:33.600 --> 0:09:34.439 then we'll get Brian on. 0:09:46.120 --> 0:09:50.120 All right, so super excited because we have Brion with 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:51.439 us on wind down yours. 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:52.720 Are you still in La right now? 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:53.400 Yes? 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:53.800 I am. 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:55.960 I'm an And are you going to stay in La 0:09:56.040 --> 0:09:57.280 or are you thinking about going back to. 0:09:57.679 --> 0:10:01.040 I don't know, girl, I don't know what we're doing 0:10:01.120 --> 0:10:01.880 at this point. 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:03.160 I don't think anybody does. 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:07.439 You know, we're just literally honkered in our house and 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:12.480 not going anywhere. We're getting everything delivered. It's crazy how 0:10:12.520 --> 0:10:13.520 scary it is right. 0:10:13.360 --> 0:10:13.960 Now in La. 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:18.360 Well, I can't even imagine. But on the flip side, congratulations, 0:10:18.400 --> 0:10:21.000 you just celebrated eleven years of sobriety in December. 0:10:21.440 --> 0:10:24.080 So yes, I even't brought my chip. 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:25.800 Look I got it. 0:10:25.640 --> 0:10:26.840 It was like, oh I should. 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:31.680 Be pavvy middle Wow. Yeah, that's awesome. Good for you, Brian, 0:10:33.080 --> 0:10:34.080 thank you very much. 0:10:34.160 --> 0:10:36.959 You know, we're just talking about, you know, sobriety and 0:10:36.960 --> 0:10:38.480 stuff because I know Jan shared with you it to 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:43.360 be a year for me this week, and I guess 0:10:43.440 --> 0:10:49.760 my question to you to start off is I'm still 0:10:49.760 --> 0:10:52.160 not comfortable with it, like you know what I mean. 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:55.719 It's you know, I think even more so because it's 0:10:55.760 --> 0:10:57.800 a year and this is the second or third time 0:10:57.840 --> 0:11:00.839 that we've quote unquote celebrated a year. And I was 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:02.839 telling you, I was like, this is my first legitimate year, 0:11:02.880 --> 0:11:06.679 which is nice. Yeah, but still it's there's so many 0:11:06.679 --> 0:11:09.240 feelings around it because of setbacks in the past where 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:13.400 I have a hard time acknowledging it. 0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:15.600 You know, yeah, I get it. 0:11:16.320 --> 0:11:20.040 I mean, nobody walks into those rooms thinking, Yay, I 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:21.920 get to be a part of this group of like 0:11:22.040 --> 0:11:25.840 sex addicts or sex and love addicts. And the problem 0:11:25.920 --> 0:11:29.120 is it's such a great area and it's so hard 0:11:29.720 --> 0:11:33.680 to get sobriety in the program that there's people slip 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:36.040 all the time and they don't talk about it. But 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:38.120 I think that's the beautiful thing that you're doing, is 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:39.079 talking about it. 0:11:39.720 --> 0:11:41.880 But we shouldn't have shame. 0:11:41.800 --> 0:11:46.480 Because this is one of the hardest diseases ever to 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:47.079 get through. 0:11:47.480 --> 0:11:50.080 And I've said it before, like they say a is 0:11:50.160 --> 0:11:52.439 the last, you know, house on the block you. 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:55.360 Want to go to, but then like sex and love, 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:58.160 addiction and stuff is like the shack in the back 0:11:58.280 --> 0:12:00.880 you like don't want to go to, like it's the 0:12:00.920 --> 0:12:03.440 worst place in the world. So I get it. I 0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:08.200 mean I can even hear that like shamefulness that you 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:10.559 feel if you hold. 0:12:11.120 --> 0:12:14.400 I'm wearing it thick, especially as we get in closer. 0:12:14.960 --> 0:12:15.880 Yeah, it really is. 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:19.840 And yeah, it's just hard and uncomfortable, and you know, 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:22.439 it's just one of those things. But I think we're 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:23.520 just taking it in stride. 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:27.040 Yeah, I mean, like we were kind of saying earlier too. 0:12:27.080 --> 0:12:28.840 Bran I was saying, you know, I was talking to 0:12:28.880 --> 0:12:31.480 my therapist and I'm like, it's hard for the partner. 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:34.240 I feel like to because we have celebrated it two 0:12:34.360 --> 0:12:37.520 or three times, like because I still want to celebrate 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:41.560 him because I think it's amazing, especially you know, Okay, 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:43.640 it's gonna be on New year' z Like what a celebration? 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:45.840 What a Like you know, this is amazing, you know, 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:49.960 you have one year. But then I'm like it's like 0:12:50.000 --> 0:12:51.559 the other part of me, that's like I don't want to. 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:53.679 I don't want to because I'm like, how many more 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:56.120 are we gonna throw? And that's where like my the 0:12:56.440 --> 0:13:00.360 the negative and the fear part comes in with with 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:03.240 my side of it, going, well, you know, are we 0:13:03.240 --> 0:13:04.480 going to have to celebrate another one? 0:13:04.520 --> 0:13:05.120 Is this going to be? 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:07.080 You know now is New Year is going to be 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:11.679 a trigger holiday? Because he might relapse again and be like, oh, 0:13:11.720 --> 0:13:14.240 we could have been celebrating here, you know. So it's 0:13:14.280 --> 0:13:17.720 like it just sets more and more like trigger trigger 0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:20.040 places and trigger holidays and trigger like because it's like 0:13:20.040 --> 0:13:22.640 there already there's enough triggers in the world as it is. 0:13:22.679 --> 0:13:26.520 With this, it's like I'm like, how am I supposed 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:27.920 to like? And I mean we talked about a lib 0:13:27.960 --> 0:13:31.880 with my with my therapist, but like, like to like 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:33.800 walk that line is so hard because I'm like, of 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:35.520 course I want to celebrate him. I don't want him 0:13:35.520 --> 0:13:39.520 to feel shame, but I'm also terrified out of my mind. 0:13:40.400 --> 0:13:41.600 Well I can understand. 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:43.960 I mean, when any I and I speak to a 0:13:43.960 --> 0:13:46.240 lot of partners, it's so interesting that we're talking about this. 0:13:46.360 --> 0:13:49.920 I had someone reach out yesterday. He's the partner of 0:13:50.000 --> 0:13:53.960 someone that you know, she keeps cheating on him, and 0:13:54.040 --> 0:13:56.360 he keeps going back to her, and she's holding on 0:13:56.400 --> 0:13:58.959 to him. And I was just telling him, you have 0:13:59.040 --> 0:14:02.679 to understand that when a slip happens, it has nothing 0:14:02.800 --> 0:14:06.640 to do with you as the partner. It has to 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:11.240 do with the addict feeling out of control, feeling, you know, 0:14:11.360 --> 0:14:14.120 like they're not going to good enough to be truly loved, 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:18.320 and they don't feel like they can love and be loved. 0:14:18.559 --> 0:14:22.400 So I first would say, yes, New Year's Eve, celebrating 0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:26.080 a year again has got to be very difficult for you, 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:30.160 But it's also he's doing the work. If he wasn't 0:14:30.200 --> 0:14:33.320 doing the work, if he wasn't, you know, going to therapy, 0:14:33.480 --> 0:14:37.200 going to meetings, talking to his sponsor, then I would 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:40.920 say there's a huge problem there. But he's doing the work, 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:44.720 and I, as your friend, have seen so many people 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:48.800 change and know that on the other side, like he 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:50.960 will be you know, it's just going to be a year, 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:53.080 and it's two years, and it's three years, and every 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:56.200 year some new layer is going to expose itself, and 0:14:56.680 --> 0:14:58.400 as a partner you just have to kind of be 0:14:58.400 --> 0:14:59.800 along for the ride and not take it part. 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:03.000 If the relapses keep happening, then it's kind of like 0:15:03.120 --> 0:15:05.760 what you said to me last December. You're like, he's 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:08.240 not doing the work, Like you can't put your foot 0:15:08.280 --> 0:15:11.280 and forward either way if he's not doing the work. 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:15.040 Yeah, And I said that to I was like, if 0:15:15.080 --> 0:15:17.080 he's not doing the work and he's not taking it seriously, 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:21.240 then you got to get out, you know, because just 0:15:21.320 --> 0:15:23.280 like my husband, if I'm not doing the work to 0:15:23.320 --> 0:15:26.200 better myself and to get out of my isms, it's 0:15:26.280 --> 0:15:27.960 not fair for him to stick around. 0:15:28.160 --> 0:15:31.360 Brian, when did you decide to be public about being, 0:15:31.720 --> 0:15:33.320 you know, in slaw and sex and love addiction. 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:36.520 Well, that's the funny thing. 0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:40.120 I mean, when I hit ten years, it was this 0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:42.280 moment and Jane and I talked a lot about it 0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:45.800 because we've been doing that project we've had together, and 0:15:47.120 --> 0:15:50.040 it was this overwhelmed I spoke at this meeting, and 0:15:50.080 --> 0:15:52.600 I spoke for forty five minutes, and it was a 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:57.040 meeting all around the world over the phone, right and 0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:01.440 you can call in and leave a message for the speaker, 0:16:01.560 --> 0:16:05.200 and I got all these messages from all over the world, 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:08.560 and it was such a beautiful moment for me because 0:16:08.640 --> 0:16:12.880 I felt this like, wow, I've hit a decade, which 0:16:12.920 --> 0:16:15.240 is crazy. Like when I walked into the room, I 0:16:15.240 --> 0:16:18.400 couldn't believe someone. I remember this guy speaking and he 0:16:18.520 --> 0:16:20.360 was like, I have eight years and I was like 0:16:21.080 --> 0:16:23.600 eight years. I can't even get through a day right now, 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:26.800 you know, like I was in so much pain and 0:16:27.760 --> 0:16:31.080 he the whom he was speaking, and now I'm on. 0:16:31.000 --> 0:16:32.160 That other side. 0:16:32.480 --> 0:16:36.440 It's my it's it's it's almost like God gave me 0:16:36.480 --> 0:16:39.400 this gift to be the voice for a woman sex 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:41.760 and love at it because women, it's more shameful. As 0:16:41.760 --> 0:16:44.920 a woman, I feel, yeah, you know, it's more like 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:47.440 it's even when a Jana and I were talking, you remember, 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:48.560 You're like, it's not real. 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:50.720 It's a man who remember he said that to me. 0:16:51.200 --> 0:16:51.680 I was like. 0:16:53.960 --> 0:16:54.120 No. 0:16:56.560 --> 0:16:58.960 But I just felt like, here's. 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.400 My chance to give my experience, strength and hope to 0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:05.800 a bigger than just Los Angeles. And I wrote this 0:17:05.920 --> 0:17:09.760 huff Post article coming out, you know, as a sex 0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:12.439 and love addict, a recover sex and love addict, sharing 0:17:12.520 --> 0:17:15.000 one of my bottoms, and it was the. 0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:16.040 Best thing I've ever done. 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:21.800 It was terrified, but then the feedback has been so 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:24.400 beautiful and like my girlfriend has this problem. 0:17:24.440 --> 0:17:25.360 I have this problem. 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:29.160 I can't like stop cheating, I can't you know, keep 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:32.639 dming guy like everything. And I just felt of such 0:17:32.720 --> 0:17:36.119 service that it just made me think bigger than just 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:37.320 myself for sure. 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:40.880 I mean it is, you know, even with negative blowback 0:17:40.960 --> 0:17:43.359 or whatever. I know, for me personally, just with our 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:46.240 story being out there, the amount of guys that have 0:17:46.280 --> 0:17:48.639 reached out to me or messaged me or whatever, and 0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:51.440 that I've met with and talked with, that's more fulfilling 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:54.639 than anything else I could have imagined. And really for me, 0:17:54.840 --> 0:17:59.080 I've experienced that it inspires my you know, my recovery 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.639 and everything because you're just you're including more people like 0:18:02.680 --> 0:18:05.160 within your store, in your circle, and it's like, yeah, 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:06.480 I don't want to let down Gene. I don't want 0:18:06.480 --> 0:18:08.480 to let down myself for my kids, But then you 0:18:08.520 --> 0:18:11.359 have all these people kind of leaning on you, and 0:18:11.400 --> 0:18:13.280 you just want to continue to be support for them 0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:15.840 and for me, it's just I think that's been a 0:18:15.840 --> 0:18:17.560 big part of why I've been able to get to 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:21.360 a legitimate year is honestly us talking about it so. 0:18:21.359 --> 0:18:23.400 Much in which aspect. 0:18:23.800 --> 0:18:26.080 Just because more people, so many people have reached out 0:18:27.320 --> 0:18:30.919 and so I just feel encouraged, Like it helps me 0:18:30.960 --> 0:18:34.920 feel encouraged with what we're doing as opposed to as 0:18:35.000 --> 0:18:38.080 much shame. Yeah, I mean because people lean on me, 0:18:38.200 --> 0:18:40.520 Guys lean on me, guys reach out to me and 0:18:40.560 --> 0:18:43.320 want to talk about these things. So it's just an 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:44.359 added layer for it. 0:18:44.359 --> 0:18:45.560 It makes us accountable. 0:18:45.640 --> 0:18:48.800 Also, it makes you accountable, like do you want to 0:18:48.840 --> 0:18:51.200 go do this thing? I mean even just that chip, 0:18:51.280 --> 0:18:55.199 that little teeny you know, gold chip. I remember when 0:18:55.240 --> 0:18:57.399 I was driving to get my six month chip, and 0:18:57.440 --> 0:19:01.199 I talk about this a lot that like somebody like 0:19:01.359 --> 0:19:04.520 I was intriguing with texted me on the drive to 0:19:04.560 --> 0:19:08.120 get my six month chip, and I remember thinking, do 0:19:08.320 --> 0:19:11.160 I do what I always do in text back or 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:15.240 do I do something different and go get that plastic 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:19.520