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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janley Kramer and Michael Coffman an I'm

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Speaker 1: her radio podcast.

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Speaker 2: You know, I'm never the culprit of misplacing things, really

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Speaker 2: not as often as you.

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Speaker 3: But I was just trying to find my car keys

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Speaker 3: that you misplaced about in the start of quarantine. Still

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Speaker 3: can't find those bad suckers.

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Speaker 4: I think that was actually like a year ago.

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Speaker 3: No, it was when we got the chickens. It was

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Speaker 3: the day of the chickens when my keys went missing,

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Speaker 3: and thank you, but you have it's like you you

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Speaker 3: say to me all the time, that's been my what's

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Speaker 3: that thing called? Like?

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Speaker 5: Wh're my kicker? Was that?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 5: What's it called?

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Speaker 4: Like?

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Speaker 3: Where I'm like my trump card? Because he's always like

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Speaker 3: you don't ever, which is funny because I always put

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Speaker 3: things back in its place.

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Speaker 5: But I have a tendency to be like, oh.

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Speaker 3: Where's my phone or where's like this when it comes

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Speaker 3: to like my personal things. But every time you say that,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I don't want to hear it. I was like,

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Speaker 3: you lost my keys.

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Speaker 2: No matter what it is, you always bring that up.

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Speaker 2: There's nothing I can do about it.

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Speaker 5: But why were you saying that?

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Speaker 4: Oh?

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Speaker 2: Because I was frantically looking for my phone just now,

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Speaker 2: and I thought I lost my mind. I didn't even

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Speaker 2: remember the last place I had it.

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Speaker 3: And the best part about that, though, is he was

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Speaker 3: looking here for his phone, getting so for ten minutes flustered.

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Speaker 3: It was like thirty and thirty and he's like getting

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Speaker 3: all like worked up, and I'm like, okay, well, let's

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Speaker 3: just retrace your steps, like let's figure this out. And

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Speaker 3: he's just getting more flustered and flustered. And I was like,

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Speaker 3: I am to go to the bathroom and then I'll

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Speaker 3: come look for it the first place I look.

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Speaker 4: Of course it was there.

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Speaker 5: It was there. I was like, I always got to

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Speaker 5: check the couch. That's like, I think I checked.

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Speaker 4: All the couch except for that one.

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Speaker 3: Well, I hope all of y'all had a great Christmas,

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Speaker 3: however it was spent. I'm so excited for the new year.

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Speaker 3: I can't wait.

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Speaker 2: I have a fear though, around the new Year that everyone,

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Speaker 2: like people already put a lot of weight in like

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Speaker 2: new Year, knew me, it's new year, like whatever. This

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Speaker 2: year especially, I feel like people are gonna put so

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Speaker 2: many eggs in that basket.

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Speaker 5: Which is great, they should. I'm gonna do that.

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Speaker 3: I'm like, what can I do to you know, feel

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Speaker 3: my best, look the best, be healthiest, Like yeah, but.

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Speaker 2: You'll fall through and do it. But I'm saying people

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Speaker 2: might have twenty twenty one such high expectations because they're like, well,

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Speaker 2: it's just naturally gonna be better because it can't get

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Speaker 2: worse than this year, and who knows it might.

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Speaker 3: I mean, I think, you know, I think the expectation,

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Speaker 3: like you said, if twenty twenty one is really high,

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Speaker 3: but I think it's really bad to set expectations just

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Speaker 3: in general, Yeah, because you're gonna get let down.

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Speaker 2: And there's a difference between setting expectations and setting goals

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Speaker 2: because there's people there's people that are like, I don't

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Speaker 2: set goals because then that way I won't be let down.

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Speaker 4: It's like e doesn't really work like that. But okay,

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Speaker 4: beats theorem.

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Speaker 3: But I mean I do think, I mean, hopefully it's

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Speaker 3: a better year. But the same time, I still kind

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Speaker 3: of where as you think that I'm not half full

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Speaker 3: in this area of my life is where I'm like, no,

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Speaker 3: it was a yeah, I was troubling and there was

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Speaker 3: hard times, but I also I'm like, Okay, what's what

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Speaker 3: was the what was the positives? All the time we

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Speaker 3: spent with our kids all the So it's like I

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Speaker 3: try to think about those things to be like, Okay,

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Speaker 3: you know, how can I bring some of those things

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Speaker 3: that I learned in twenty twenty to do better in

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Speaker 3: twenty twenty one? Is a better person, as a happier person,

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Speaker 3: as a more patient person.

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Speaker 2: Look at that, Mama jan is dropping knowledge on inspiration

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Speaker 2: on everybody.

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Speaker 3: I'm not I'm just saying girl, but like, I'm just

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Speaker 3: excited for those opportunities. And you know, it's not Christmas

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Speaker 3: anymore because we're on the brink of another celebration.

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Speaker 2: You know, I have a hard time calling it a celebration.

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Speaker 2: And my therapist even got on me, got on me

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Speaker 2: for this last week because it'll be a year of

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Speaker 2: sobriety for me on New Year's Eve and so just

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Speaker 2: my my shame and stuff wants to just not shed

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Speaker 2: let light on it at all and just treat it

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Speaker 2: like another day because it is. And I don't know, man,

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Speaker 2: it's just hard because I think I have a lot

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Speaker 2: of shame around it with you know, I wish this

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Speaker 2: was the four year.

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Speaker 4: You know what I mean?

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Speaker 2: And it's like thinking back on the you know, bumps

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Speaker 2: and major obstacles that we faced the last four years.

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Speaker 2: It's just you know, four or five years. It's it's

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Speaker 2: just hard to to not look back. And I'm sure

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Speaker 2: you're the same way.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I know.

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Speaker 3: I talked about with my therapists last week in it

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Speaker 3: was one of those things where it's like, you know,

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Speaker 3: I was like, how do I balance because I'm like,

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Speaker 3: I'm angry, but I'm also wanting to be supportive. I

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Speaker 3: was like, how can I balance being supportive and being

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Speaker 3: really triggered and really hurt and let down.

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Speaker 5: Without you know. So it's like I'm like, how do

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Speaker 5: I how do you balance that?

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Speaker 3: Because I'm like, this is his third or second, third

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Speaker 3: or second birthday. I've thrown you where it's like I'm like,

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Speaker 3: I don't want to bake a cake anymore and now

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Speaker 3: I'm angry, like how many more one year cakes am I.

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Speaker 5: Going to make? You know?

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Speaker 4: And I don't want anything, like I don't.

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Speaker 3: So I think that's like you know, but I'm like,

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Speaker 3: but I want to be supportive. So I'm like, how

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Speaker 3: do you like balance that that walk with like wanting

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Speaker 3: to be a supportive spouse, but also being like, well,

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Speaker 3: how many more times are we going to throw this party?

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Speaker 6: Right?

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Speaker 2: You know, We're going to have a good friend of yours,

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Speaker 2: Brian Davis, who is openly a sex addict.

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Speaker 4: As well, sex and love addict, sex and.

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Speaker 2: Love addict slaw, and we'll have her on and we'll

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Speaker 2: kind of talk about some of this. You know, she's

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Speaker 2: been sober what eleven years?

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Speaker 3: Yeah, she just celebrated her eleven year sobriety on December sixth,

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Speaker 3: and Brandon I did a movie together.

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Speaker 5: We met on prom night and the movie prom night.

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Speaker 3: Sorry, the movie prom night. And yeah, we we just

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Speaker 3: we've stayed in touch. But it's it's funny just to

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Speaker 3: like tea up Brian a little bit when I was

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Speaker 3: doing Dancing with the Stars. And by the way, she's

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Speaker 3: gone on to you know, be on TV shows like

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Speaker 3: six and True Blood, True Blood jar Head opposite Jake

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Speaker 3: Jill and Hollock. She's, you know, she's an amazing actress

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Speaker 3: and you know she's you know, she's she's really really good.

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Speaker 2: She's gonna be on Lucifer this next season too.

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Speaker 5: Yep.

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Speaker 3: And then so we kind of lost touch a little

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Speaker 3: bit when I was doing the country stuff, but we

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Speaker 3: always you know, said hello, and you know, Facebook or

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Speaker 3: whatever it was then MySpace, I don't know. And when

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Speaker 3: I was doing Dancing with the Stars and then all

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Speaker 3: of the stuff came about about your sex addiction, she

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Speaker 3: reached out to me and was like, hey, you know,

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Speaker 3: would love to meet. So we met at Catsuya in

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Speaker 3: California in the in the valley and you know, and

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Speaker 3: I just kind of thought we were going to have

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Speaker 3: like a bashing session about you and you because you

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Speaker 3: were in rehab and r and she was like, I'm

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Speaker 3: actually a sex and love addict and I was like what.

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Speaker 3: So you know, I learned a lot from Brion and

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Speaker 3: she's kind of been my.

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Speaker 5: Sponsor.

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Speaker 3: Like she was the one I called when I found

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Speaker 3: out about you hiding like the fake accounts last year

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Speaker 3: and the deleting of the you know, your messages with

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Speaker 3: the woman so we're the lady or whatever, and so

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Speaker 3: you know, I called her. So she's kind of always

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Speaker 3: the person that I've called in those moments and when

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Speaker 3: I'm like, you know, about ready to jump from a

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Speaker 3: bridge to to be like what do I do and

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Speaker 3: how do I handle this? And you know, I think

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Speaker 3: you guys even spoke at a time or two during

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Speaker 3: last year and stuff, because she's very much in her

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Speaker 3: program and you know, she's a sponsor to a lot

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Speaker 3: of people, and I mean, eleven years is incredible. So

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Speaker 3: and just you know her stories and but I'm really

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Speaker 3: excited to have her on. But first, let's let me

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Speaker 3: check in with you, Mike. How are you feeling, just

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Speaker 3: like diving.

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Speaker 5: Into this.

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Speaker 4: Again.

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Speaker 2: I think it's it's uncomfortable for me as well, because

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Speaker 2: I don't want to really shed a light on it.

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Speaker 2: I just want it. It's just another day. It's just

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Speaker 2: it is, and it isn't you know. And for me

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Speaker 2: with my my personality of nothing ever being good enough,

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Speaker 2: like things that I do not being good enough, I'm

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Speaker 2: just like, all right, what's it like I might feel

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Speaker 2: the same way in ten years. Okay, it's ten years whatever,

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Speaker 2: keep going right.

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Speaker 3: But you still should celebrate like one year is great,

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Speaker 3: Like you've stayed to the our knowledge, You've stayed straight,

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Speaker 3: you know, for one year, and.

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Speaker 5: That's a big accomplishment.

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Speaker 3: Now if you get two years, you will never like

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Speaker 3: you can be like, hey, I've never hit two years before,

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Speaker 3: Like that's great, you know, Yeah, I mean it should

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Speaker 3: be encouragement. You should celebrate it.

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Speaker 4: It is.

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Speaker 2: I'm encouraged that this is a legitimate year. That's nice,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, so it does feel different,

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Speaker 2: but it's you know again, it's it's just still uncomfortable.

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Speaker 2: There are a lot of stuff, you know, for both

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Speaker 2: of us.

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Speaker 5: So all right, well let's take a quick break and

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Speaker 5: then we'll get Brian on.

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Speaker 3: All right, so super excited because we have Brion with

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Speaker 3: us on wind down yours.

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Speaker 5: Are you still in La right now?

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Speaker 7: Yes?

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Speaker 6: I am.

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Speaker 3: I'm an And are you going to stay in La

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Speaker 3: or are you thinking about going back to.

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Speaker 6: I don't know, girl, I don't know what we're doing

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Speaker 6: at this point.

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Speaker 7: I don't think anybody does.

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Speaker 6: You know, we're just literally honkered in our house and

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Speaker 6: not going anywhere. We're getting everything delivered. It's crazy how

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Speaker 6: scary it is right.

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Speaker 7: Now in La.

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Speaker 3: Well, I can't even imagine. But on the flip side, congratulations,

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Speaker 3: you just celebrated eleven years of sobriety in December.

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Speaker 7: So yes, I even't brought my chip.

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Speaker 5: Look I got it.

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Speaker 7: It was like, oh I should.

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Speaker 4: Be pavvy middle Wow. Yeah, that's awesome. Good for you, Brian,

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Speaker 4: thank you very much.

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Speaker 2: You know, we're just talking about, you know, sobriety and

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Speaker 2: stuff because I know Jan shared with you it to

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Speaker 2: be a year for me this week, and I guess

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Speaker 2: my question to you to start off is I'm still

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Speaker 2: not comfortable with it, like you know what I mean.

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Speaker 2: It's you know, I think even more so because it's

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Speaker 2: a year and this is the second or third time

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Speaker 2: that we've quote unquote celebrated a year. And I was

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Speaker 2: telling you, I was like, this is my first legitimate year,

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Speaker 2: which is nice. Yeah, but still it's there's so many

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Speaker 2: feelings around it because of setbacks in the past where

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Speaker 2: I have a hard time acknowledging it.

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Speaker 7: You know, yeah, I get it.

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Speaker 6: I mean, nobody walks into those rooms thinking, Yay, I

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Speaker 6: get to be a part of this group of like

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Speaker 6: sex addicts or sex and love addicts. And the problem

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Speaker 6: is it's such a great area and it's so hard

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Speaker 6: to get sobriety in the program that there's people slip

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Speaker 6: all the time and they don't talk about it. But

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Speaker 6: I think that's the beautiful thing that you're doing, is

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Speaker 6: talking about it.

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Speaker 7: But we shouldn't have shame.

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Speaker 6: Because this is one of the hardest diseases ever to

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Speaker 6: get through.

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Speaker 7: And I've said it before, like they say a is

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Speaker 7: the last, you know, house on the block you.

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Speaker 6: Want to go to, but then like sex and love,

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Speaker 6: addiction and stuff is like the shack in the back

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Speaker 6: you like don't want to go to, like it's the

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Speaker 6: worst place in the world. So I get it. I

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Speaker 6: mean I can even hear that like shamefulness that you

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Speaker 6: feel if you hold.

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Speaker 2: I'm wearing it thick, especially as we get in closer.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it really is.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, it's just hard and uncomfortable, and you know,

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Speaker 2: it's just one of those things. But I think we're

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Speaker 2: just taking it in stride.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, like we were kind of saying earlier too.

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Speaker 3: Bran I was saying, you know, I was talking to

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Speaker 3: my therapist and I'm like, it's hard for the partner.

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Speaker 3: I feel like to because we have celebrated it two

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Speaker 3: or three times, like because I still want to celebrate

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Speaker 3: him because I think it's amazing, especially you know, Okay,

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Speaker 3: it's gonna be on New year' z Like what a celebration?

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Speaker 3: What a Like you know, this is amazing, you know,

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Speaker 3: you have one year. But then I'm like it's like

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Speaker 3: the other part of me, that's like I don't want to.

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Speaker 3: I don't want to because I'm like, how many more

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Speaker 3: are we gonna throw? And that's where like my the

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Speaker 3: the negative and the fear part comes in with with

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Speaker 3: my side of it, going, well, you know, are we

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Speaker 3: going to have to celebrate another one?

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Speaker 5: Is this going to be?

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Speaker 3: You know now is New Year is going to be

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Speaker 3: a trigger holiday? Because he might relapse again and be like, oh,

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Speaker 3: we could have been celebrating here, you know. So it's

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Speaker 3: like it just sets more and more like trigger trigger

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Speaker 3: places and trigger holidays and trigger like because it's like

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Speaker 3: there already there's enough triggers in the world as it is.

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Speaker 3: With this, it's like I'm like, how am I supposed

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Speaker 3: to like? And I mean we talked about a lib

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Speaker 3: with my with my therapist, but like, like to like

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Speaker 3: walk that line is so hard because I'm like, of

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Speaker 3: course I want to celebrate him. I don't want him

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Speaker 3: to feel shame, but I'm also terrified out of my mind.

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Speaker 7: Well I can understand.

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Speaker 6: I mean, when any I and I speak to a

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Speaker 6: lot of partners, it's so interesting that we're talking about this.

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Speaker 6: I had someone reach out yesterday. He's the partner of

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Speaker 6: someone that you know, she keeps cheating on him, and

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Speaker 6: he keeps going back to her, and she's holding on

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Speaker 6: to him. And I was just telling him, you have

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Speaker 6: to understand that when a slip happens, it has nothing

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Speaker 6: to do with you as the partner. It has to

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Speaker 6: do with the addict feeling out of control, feeling, you know,

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Speaker 6: like they're not going to good enough to be truly loved,

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Speaker 6: and they don't feel like they can love and be loved.

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Speaker 6: So I first would say, yes, New Year's Eve, celebrating

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Speaker 6: a year again has got to be very difficult for you,

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Speaker 6: But it's also he's doing the work. If he wasn't

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Speaker 6: doing the work, if he wasn't, you know, going to therapy,

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Speaker 6: going to meetings, talking to his sponsor, then I would

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Speaker 6: say there's a huge problem there. But he's doing the work,

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Speaker 6: and I, as your friend, have seen so many people

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Speaker 6: change and know that on the other side, like he

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Speaker 6: will be you know, it's just going to be a year,

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Speaker 6: and it's two years, and it's three years, and every

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Speaker 6: year some new layer is going to expose itself, and

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Speaker 6: as a partner you just have to kind of be

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Speaker 6: along for the ride and not take it part.

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Speaker 3: If the relapses keep happening, then it's kind of like

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Speaker 3: what you said to me last December. You're like, he's

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Speaker 3: not doing the work, Like you can't put your foot

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Speaker 3: and forward either way if he's not doing the work.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, And I said that to I was like, if

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Speaker 6: he's not doing the work and he's not taking it seriously,

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Speaker 6: then you got to get out, you know, because just

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Speaker 6: like my husband, if I'm not doing the work to

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Speaker 6: better myself and to get out of my isms, it's

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Speaker 6: not fair for him to stick around.

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Speaker 2: Brian, when did you decide to be public about being,

325
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Speaker 2: you know, in slaw and sex and love addiction.

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Speaker 5: Well, that's the funny thing.

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Speaker 6: I mean, when I hit ten years, it was this

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Speaker 6: moment and Jane and I talked a lot about it

329
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Speaker 6: because we've been doing that project we've had together, and

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Speaker 6: it was this overwhelmed I spoke at this meeting, and

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Speaker 6: I spoke for forty five minutes, and it was a

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Speaker 6: meeting all around the world over the phone, right and

333
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Speaker 6: you can call in and leave a message for the speaker,

334
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Speaker 6: and I got all these messages from all over the world,

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Speaker 6: and it was such a beautiful moment for me because

336
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Speaker 6: I felt this like, wow, I've hit a decade, which

337
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,240
Speaker 6: is crazy. Like when I walked into the room, I

338
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,400
Speaker 6: couldn't believe someone. I remember this guy speaking and he

339
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,360
Speaker 6: was like, I have eight years and I was like

340
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Speaker 6: eight years. I can't even get through a day right now,

341
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,800
Speaker 6: you know, like I was in so much pain and

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Speaker 6: he the whom he was speaking, and now I'm on.

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Speaker 7: That other side.

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Speaker 6: It's my it's it's it's almost like God gave me

345
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Speaker 6: this gift to be the voice for a woman sex

346
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Speaker 6: and love at it because women, it's more shameful. As

347
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Speaker 6: a woman, I feel, yeah, you know, it's more like

348
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Speaker 6: it's even when a Jana and I were talking, you remember,

349
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Speaker 6: You're like, it's not real.

350
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Speaker 7: It's a man who remember he said that to me.

351
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Speaker 4: I was like.

352
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Speaker 6: No.

353
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Speaker 7: But I just felt like, here's.

354
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Speaker 6: My chance to give my experience, strength and hope to

355
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Speaker 6: a bigger than just Los Angeles. And I wrote this

356
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Speaker 6: huff Post article coming out, you know, as a sex

357
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,439
Speaker 6: and love addict, a recover sex and love addict, sharing

358
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Speaker 6: one of my bottoms, and it was the.

359
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,040
Speaker 7: Best thing I've ever done.

360
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Speaker 6: It was terrified, but then the feedback has been so

361
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,400
Speaker 6: beautiful and like my girlfriend has this problem.

362
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Speaker 7: I have this problem.

363
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,160
Speaker 6: I can't like stop cheating, I can't you know, keep

364
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,639
Speaker 6: dming guy like everything. And I just felt of such

365
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:36,119
Speaker 6: service that it just made me think bigger than just

366
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Speaker 6: myself for sure.

367
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Speaker 2: I mean it is, you know, even with negative blowback

368
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,359
Speaker 2: or whatever. I know, for me personally, just with our

369
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,240
Speaker 2: story being out there, the amount of guys that have

370
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,639
Speaker 2: reached out to me or messaged me or whatever, and

371
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,440
Speaker 2: that I've met with and talked with, that's more fulfilling

372
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,639
Speaker 2: than anything else I could have imagined. And really for me,

373
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:59,080
Speaker 2: I've experienced that it inspires my you know, my recovery

374
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:02,639
Speaker 2: and everything because you're just you're including more people like

375
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,160
Speaker 2: within your store, in your circle, and it's like, yeah,

376
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Speaker 2: I don't want to let down Gene. I don't want

377
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,480
Speaker 2: to let down myself for my kids, But then you

378
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,359
Speaker 2: have all these people kind of leaning on you, and

379
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,280
Speaker 2: you just want to continue to be support for them

380
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,840
Speaker 2: and for me, it's just I think that's been a

381
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:17,560
Speaker 2: big part of why I've been able to get to

382
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,360
Speaker 2: a legitimate year is honestly us talking about it so.

383
00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,400
Speaker 5: Much in which aspect.

384
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,080
Speaker 2: Just because more people, so many people have reached out

385
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,919
Speaker 2: and so I just feel encouraged, Like it helps me

386
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,920
Speaker 2: feel encouraged with what we're doing as opposed to as

387
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,080
Speaker 2: much shame. Yeah, I mean because people lean on me,

388
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,520
Speaker 2: Guys lean on me, guys reach out to me and

389
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,320
Speaker 2: want to talk about these things. So it's just an

390
00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:44,359
Speaker 2: added layer for it.

391
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Speaker 7: It makes us accountable.

392
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,800
Speaker 6: Also, it makes you accountable, like do you want to

393
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,200
Speaker 6: go do this thing? I mean even just that chip,

394
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,199
Speaker 6: that little teeny you know, gold chip. I remember when

395
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,399
Speaker 6: I was driving to get my six month chip, and

396
00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:01,199
Speaker 6: I talk about this a lot that like somebody like

397
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,520
Speaker 6: I was intriguing with texted me on the drive to

398
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:08,120
Speaker 6: get my six month chip, and I remember thinking, do

399
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,160
Speaker 6: I do what I always do in text back or

400
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,240
Speaker 6: do I do something different and go get that plastic

401
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,520
Speaker 6: red six months chip, Like that was more important at

402
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:24,439
Speaker 6: that moment than you know, getting my high getting someone

403
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:28,040
Speaker 6: to fill me. But I also have to congratulate you

404
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:31,840
Speaker 6: in the sense of I don't know at my one

405
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:36,000
Speaker 6: year if I could have been so public. There's something

406
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 6: also has to be difficult that speaking out at such

407
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,640
Speaker 6: a vulnerable place, because I remember at my one year

408
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:43,720
Speaker 6: I literally wanted to.

409
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:44,680
Speaker 7: Crawl out of my skin.

410
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,520
Speaker 6: I felt like I was like a snake, like trying

411
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,360
Speaker 6: to shed its skin. Yeah, is that how you feel?

412
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,199
Speaker 6: Because that has to be a lot of pressure at

413
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:53,520
Speaker 6: this stame.

414
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,040
Speaker 2: It is, and it's been an unfortunate hat to wear

415
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,280
Speaker 2: like this early in my recovery process, especially over the

416
00:20:00,359 --> 00:20:02,800
Speaker 2: last four or five years or four years that our

417
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,719
Speaker 2: story has been out. But that's the thing. My anonymity

418
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,040
Speaker 2: was taken away from me. That wasn't my choice, and

419
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,399
Speaker 2: so I've had to write it out, you know, and

420
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,080
Speaker 2: it's it is hard because then when you know, I

421
00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:16,720
Speaker 2: did have you know, the setback last year, and it's

422
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,479
Speaker 2: like we essentially have to publicly address it.

423
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,399
Speaker 4: You know. That's that sucks.

424
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:24,919
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sucks to really for both of us, not

425
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,879
Speaker 2: just me, but for both of us to for janit

426
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,399
Speaker 2: to feel embarrassed or to feel sadness around that, for

427
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,720
Speaker 2: me to feel shamed and embarrassed as well. And so

428
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:37,440
Speaker 2: it's you know, it's not easy, and but again we're

429
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,320
Speaker 2: just you know, we just have to keep talking about

430
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,359
Speaker 2: it and lean on each other around it and be

431
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,160
Speaker 2: able to express our feelings.

432
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:46,280
Speaker 3: You and I.

433
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:50,560
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, because I don't know if my husband, I

434
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,159
Speaker 6: don't know if Mark would have been able even you know,

435
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,280
Speaker 6: he's sober like thirty something years and his own addiction,

436
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,959
Speaker 6: but that would have been really hard on our relationship

437
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 6: the first year going through that, because did you feel

438
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 6: like this first year was like your first you know,

439
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,040
Speaker 6: the other you know, three years ago, because the first

440
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:12,400
Speaker 6: year is the worst, it's the worst.

441
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:13,600
Speaker 7: You feel like you're dying.

442
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, because I've I've still been in the

443
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:21,280
Speaker 2: program for four years now, it's yeah, felt simpler at

444
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:25,760
Speaker 2: times because of that those initial just like even though

445
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,280
Speaker 2: you're doing the work, you feel like you're white knuckle

446
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,960
Speaker 2: in every second of the day. Where I've I've gotten

447
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:33,160
Speaker 2: past like that, that kind of those kind of places

448
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,439
Speaker 2: where you know, when I first entered the room, the

449
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,920
Speaker 2: whole lust of the mind will go away. I didn't

450
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,760
Speaker 2: believe that was ever possible until I started getting some

451
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,359
Speaker 2: time together and and so now like those kind of

452
00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:48,359
Speaker 2: things are are aren't in an equation, you know what

453
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,920
Speaker 2: I mean, it's as much it's.

454
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:51,560
Speaker 4: It was just.

455
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,400
Speaker 2: It was still getting to that level of comfortability with myself,

456
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,840
Speaker 2: and it was just I was just a hard time

457
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:01,800
Speaker 2: to doing that. The initial stuff was okay, but I

458
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 2: just had a hard time maintaining it because eventually I

459
00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:07,119
Speaker 2: just kind of fell off the wagon. I'll just be

460
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,119
Speaker 2: reaching for something.

461
00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,600
Speaker 6: I don't know what it was, well, anything to fill

462
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:14,919
Speaker 6: that hole when we're feeling. Even this morning, I have

463
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,600
Speaker 6: to tell you, like a part of me was like

464
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,359
Speaker 6: annoyed that I was on a Zoom one of the

465
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,119
Speaker 6: Zoom meetings you know that I go to every morning,

466
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,040
Speaker 6: and people were just annoying me, And I was like,

467
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,000
Speaker 6: why am I so irritated? And it makes you want

468
00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,920
Speaker 6: to like reach for a cookie or reach for your phone,

469
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,040
Speaker 6: to look at Instagram, anything you can do to get

470
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 6: out of feeling discomfort. And as an addict, especially a

471
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,200
Speaker 6: sex and love addict or a sex addict and being

472
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,480
Speaker 6: addicted to people that we have to sit in this

473
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:48,720
Speaker 6: discomfort and be okay with it. And it's like who

474
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,360
Speaker 6: wants to do that? Who wants to sit and discomfort

475
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:52,399
Speaker 6: and be okay with you?

476
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:52,720
Speaker 4: You know I was.

477
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:55,280
Speaker 2: I was on a twelve step meeting this morning. A

478
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,239
Speaker 2: guy said something great that was being real time just

479
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,880
Speaker 2: with something he was dealing with, and he was making

480
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,320
Speaker 2: an im point. He was like, you know, one is

481
00:23:03,359 --> 00:23:06,880
Speaker 2: too many, A thousand's not enough to exactly your point

482
00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:09,159
Speaker 2: like to take that distraction or take whatever. And I

483
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,080
Speaker 2: was like, man, it's it's so true because you know,

484
00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:14,200
Speaker 2: you still have those moments where you're like, you just

485
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 2: want to run away from whatever you're feeling. And I'm

486
00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,119
Speaker 2: sure people who aren't even addicts have that right they

487
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,440
Speaker 2: feel their void with something. And it's like, again, one

488
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,800
Speaker 2: is too many, thousands, not enough. It was just it

489
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:25,600
Speaker 2: got me today.

490
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:30,320
Speaker 7: But don't you feel grateful a little bit?

491
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,959
Speaker 6: I mean, I have to tell you we have the tools.

492
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,320
Speaker 6: Can you imagine not having the tools and being in

493
00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:41,080
Speaker 6: this world pandemic and not being able to jump on

494
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:43,720
Speaker 6: a twelve step meeting in the morning when your kids

495
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:49,000
Speaker 6: are driving you crazy, your significant other you're just feeling discomfort, Like,

496
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:50,160
Speaker 6: I'm so grateful.

497
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 2: I'm extremely grateful for that. And I mean i mean

498
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,159
Speaker 2: this from a not codependent way, and I'm grateful that

499
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:01,320
Speaker 2: I have of Janna because I know not to compare,

500
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:03,400
Speaker 2: but I know so many other spouses, There so many

501
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 2: other guys that are in worse situations, you know, with

502
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,080
Speaker 2: their significant other. And just to the fact that I

503
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:12,800
Speaker 2: have a wife that's able to navigate through things as

504
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,680
Speaker 2: well as Janet ultimately can is a game changer for

505
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:20,359
Speaker 2: me just being someone who does have some codependency tendencies

506
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,640
Speaker 2: and stuff and just wants to really you know, hey, honey,

507
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,320
Speaker 2: how am I feeling today? Like that kind of thing

508
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:29,159
Speaker 2: to have her has been a big pillar in my

509
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:34,280
Speaker 2: ability to you know, feel sane at times. Honestly, along

510
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:35,159
Speaker 2: with work on my program.

511
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 6: Do you ever ask her to like fix it for you?

512
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:45,120
Speaker 2: Not anymore? No, Like I'm able to. I'm getting better

513
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:47,520
Speaker 2: at allowing her to have her feelings or allowing myself

514
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:51,720
Speaker 2: to have my feelings without putting that on her. But

515
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:58,520
Speaker 2: you know, Janet got was reached out by somebody Anonymous

516
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:01,840
Speaker 2: a day or two ago. Because you sponsor so many

517
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,280
Speaker 2: people and have so much time in this program, brand,

518
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,280
Speaker 2: wonder what your advice would be for somebody that maybe

519
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,879
Speaker 2: that's listening, that maybe going through a new discovery, especially

520
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,679
Speaker 2: during the holidays, Because Janna got a message about she

521
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,639
Speaker 2: just found out her husband was a sex addict, and

522
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,040
Speaker 2: it's around the holidays, and it's like, what do the

523
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:21,600
Speaker 2: what does that other person do to to stay sane

524
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:22,359
Speaker 2: during this time?

525
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,800
Speaker 6: I mean, that's a that's a load of question because

526
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,760
Speaker 6: there's no right way, Like I said to Janna and

527
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,119
Speaker 6: like I say to anybody listening, if you're with a

528
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,160
Speaker 6: sex addict, a sex and lave addict, a love addict,

529
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:42,080
Speaker 6: a codependent, any of those things and they're acting out

530
00:25:42,119 --> 00:25:46,120
Speaker 6: outside of your relationship, one number one, you can't fix them.

531
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 6: It's not Jana's responsibility to fix you. It's not my

532
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,399
Speaker 6: husband's responsibility to fix me. And they're not reason enough

533
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:59,000
Speaker 6: for us to get better. So if you're struggling and

534
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,000
Speaker 6: your partner is act out, you have every right to

535
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:06,000
Speaker 6: walk away. Now I know kids are involved. I have

536
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 6: a kid also, And if that person is willing to

537
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:15,240
Speaker 6: step into a room, step into therapy to get help

538
00:26:15,359 --> 00:26:19,320
Speaker 6: and find out why they are, you know, watching too

539
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:24,000
Speaker 6: much porn, disconnecting, masturbating too much, disconnecting with other people,

540
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 6: all that stuff that we as sex and love adicts

541
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,840
Speaker 6: tend to do. You know, if they're willing to look

542
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,840
Speaker 6: at the reason why, it's worth walking through that fire

543
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,160
Speaker 6: with them, if you love them, because on the other

544
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:42,800
Speaker 6: side of it, it's such a deeper connection then I

545
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 6: have ever experienced. Like my husband and I are more

546
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,000
Speaker 6: connected ever than we were like sixteen years ago, and

547
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,880
Speaker 6: it was because we walked through the pain, walk through

548
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,720
Speaker 6: like where does he contribute to my addiction? Where do

549
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,840
Speaker 6: what are the things I'm doing not to completely have

550
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 6: both feet in our relationship. So if you're out there

551
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 6: and you just bound out this information, you know I

552
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,240
Speaker 6: would look at the pros and cons. Is the person

553
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,399
Speaker 6: willing to do the work, and then you have to

554
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 6: make that decision for yourself.

555
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,399
Speaker 3: Brian, why do people still Like a lot of people

556
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,280
Speaker 3: will say and leave comments like oh, that's just a

557
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:22,879
Speaker 3: you know, married's man excuse, or like they don't believe

558
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:23,480
Speaker 3: sex addiction?

559
00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 6: Well, number one, I think I think it's the most

560
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:31,200
Speaker 6: uncomfortable disease. It's easier to be like, oh, that person's

561
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 6: addicted to drugs and alcohol and Janna, you and I've

562
00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:38,600
Speaker 6: talked about it, and you know, more people are in

563
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:42,720
Speaker 6: jail and dead because of sex and love addiction. More

564
00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,680
Speaker 6: people are murdered over sex, over jealousy, over cheating, More

565
00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,159
Speaker 6: people are in jail. And I've spoken out jails for

566
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,240
Speaker 6: a really long time, and every woman in there was

567
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 6: a sex and love at it in some form.

568
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,600
Speaker 7: So I think society as a whole.

569
00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:04,679
Speaker 6: We lean into glamorizing falling in love, glamorizing sexuality, you know,

570
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:09,560
Speaker 6: putting it all out there, intriguing, flirting.

571
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:10,000
Speaker 7: All that stuff.

572
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,639
Speaker 6: So society doesn't want to look at it as a

573
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 6: problem because if they look at it as a problem,

574
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:19,199
Speaker 6: then that means our whole structure has to change. So

575
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:22,040
Speaker 6: I think it makes people really uncomfortable with the idea

576
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:24,679
Speaker 6: of being addicted to people. And I think they glamorize

577
00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 6: it because I always say, like, I'm in love with

578
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,760
Speaker 6: falling in love, I'm in love with feeling that first high,

579
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:36,359
Speaker 6: and every movie hits on that almost They don't talk

580
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 6: about paying the bills, they don't talk about real intimacy,

581
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,640
Speaker 6: what real sex looks like after being married for ten years,

582
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,640
Speaker 6: So I think they want to believe it's just you know,

583
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 6: a cheater's you know, made up thing to get out of,

584
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:52,000
Speaker 6: you know, acting out.

585
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 7: But it's not. It's so real. I can't even tell you.

586
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,280
Speaker 6: I was on a meeting the other night and there

587
00:28:56,360 --> 00:29:01,040
Speaker 6: was like four hundred people like it's it's this is

588
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:04,400
Speaker 6: a huge deal. I think our society is so disconnected,

589
00:29:04,440 --> 00:29:07,920
Speaker 6: and social media has even made us more disconnected and

590
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 6: lean into fantasy and like going online and looking at

591
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:14,320
Speaker 6: other people's lives and fantasizing and all that. So I

592
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 6: just feel like it's too hard for people to understand

593
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 6: that it is not a man of disease.

594
00:29:18,760 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 4: I wish it, ye me both.

595
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,640
Speaker 7: I was like, I wish it wasn't real.

596
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:28,080
Speaker 6: But when you meet a woman that is sixty five

597
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 6: that can't stop cheating, you know, or another man that

598
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:36,000
Speaker 6: can't stop watching porn, and it's just like one after

599
00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:40,880
Speaker 6: the other, and it's every walk of life. It's every gender,

600
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:45,560
Speaker 6: it's every you know, that's everything ethnicity.

601
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:48,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why I tell people, especially in Los Angeles

602
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 2: when I was doing meetings there, I mean you had

603
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:57,760
Speaker 2: people from eighteen to eighty, every creed, color, sexual orientation,

604
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 2: marital status, you name, all all about.

605
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:08,040
Speaker 6: It, like Janitor to like CEO to huge as it

606
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 6: doesn't matter.

607
00:30:09,520 --> 00:30:12,240
Speaker 3: Yeah, ooh, spill all the deets. And I'm kidding.

608
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 6: Oh tell me who, Well, that's what I do. Spill

609
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:18,400
Speaker 6: some deeds, but I don't say because I do have Yes,

610
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:20,160
Speaker 6: she does, so go ahead tell us all about the

611
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:24,200
Speaker 6: book and then your podcast too. Oh. So I did

612
00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 6: write a book, which is crazy because I'm dyslexic and

613
00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:30,640
Speaker 6: like me writing a book, I can't even put like

614
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:31,959
Speaker 6: a proper sentence together.

615
00:30:32,480 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 7: But I did.

616
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:35,400
Speaker 6: My husband forced me to write a book in a

617
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 6: loving way, and it's coming out in February, and it's

618
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:41,680
Speaker 6: caused Secret Lives of a Hollywood Sex and Love adict

619
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 6: and there is you know, some stories in there that

620
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:49,040
Speaker 6: have to do with Hollywood, have to do with this addiction.

621
00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:54,600
Speaker 6: How Hollywood amplifies the addiction sometimes. And yeah, I'm really excited.

622
00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,520
Speaker 6: I'm really nervous, and I hope people like it. It's based

623
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:01,080
Speaker 6: on my life, but it's in a fiction character and

624
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:02,800
Speaker 6: it's gonna be a lot of fun, I think.

625
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:04,680
Speaker 5: And you've read it, Danna, it's juicy.

626
00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:07,560
Speaker 7: It's it's it is jucy.

627
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,360
Speaker 6: I had someone I had someone read it and they said,

628
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:12,240
Speaker 6: and I think you said the same thing. They said,

629
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:16,880
Speaker 6: it's like tittlizing, but you it's an addiction, so you

630
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,080
Speaker 6: feel like really wrong.

631
00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,800
Speaker 3: But then you it's like a car crash. You can't

632
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,600
Speaker 3: like like you want to be a part of it.

633
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 3: But they were like, no, wait, what what am I?

634
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 3: And then you have a podcast too, so and I

635
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:30,479
Speaker 3: love the premise of your podcast, So tell our listeners

636
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:32,040
Speaker 3: what yours is all about.

637
00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:36,560
Speaker 6: It's called Secret Life. We started it, my husband and

638
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:39,600
Speaker 6: I started it at the beginning of August. We were

639
00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,880
Speaker 6: feeling and I know a lot of people were. We

640
00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:46,680
Speaker 6: were feeling so disconnected with everything going on, and we're like,

641
00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:49,400
Speaker 6: how can we give back on a bigger level. So

642
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 6: I was in bed one night and it popped into

643
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,640
Speaker 6: my head, secret life. Have other people tell that, Tell

644
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 6: me their secrets, because I just got done telling huff

645
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,680
Speaker 6: Posts came out March night teenth, and the world shut

646
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:05,320
Speaker 6: down March twelfth, So I just got done sharing this

647
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,280
Speaker 6: huge secret, and I thought like, oh my god, the

648
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 6: world is gonna stop. And nothing happened except the world

649
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:17,960
Speaker 6: stopped for the virus. But I just realized, like it

650
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:20,960
Speaker 6: felt so good to be of service, and it felt

651
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:22,880
Speaker 6: so good to let go.

652
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 7: Of that shame, let go of that secret.

653
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:29,120
Speaker 6: So I started the podcast called Secret Life, and people

654
00:32:29,120 --> 00:32:30,840
Speaker 6: come on and share all types of secrets.

655
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 7: You know.

656
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 6: Some of the first ones were their husband, their boyfriend

657
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,680
Speaker 6: was a sex addict, you know, coming out of the

658
00:32:37,720 --> 00:32:42,040
Speaker 6: closet with their parents, having emotional incests with their mom,

659
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 6: shooting themselves in the chest with a shotgun and surviving

660
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:48,959
Speaker 6: the suicide attempt. You know. Yeah, to funny ones of

661
00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:52,440
Speaker 6: like us being actresses and going and like making up

662
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:54,480
Speaker 6: that we can do something and then being on set

663
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:57,280
Speaker 6: like all these different secrets of from all walks of

664
00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,280
Speaker 6: life I have, and I'm just really proud of it

665
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 6: because people have found so much healing from that.

666
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:03,680
Speaker 4: Too cool.

667
00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:05,120
Speaker 5: It's in Brion, you know.

668
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 3: You always say like everyone has an ism, yes, which

669
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:11,840
Speaker 3: is always was interesting, like we all have some kind

670
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 3: of ism we do.

671
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,640
Speaker 6: I think what Mike said is that we all use

672
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:21,760
Speaker 6: something to get outside of ourselves, whether it be shopping online.

673
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:25,080
Speaker 6: I have tons of girlfriends that when they're bored, are

674
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 6: feeling not okay, they'll go and shop and it's like

675
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 6: I ask them, where are you going to wear that

676
00:33:31,640 --> 00:33:32,080
Speaker 6: right now?

677
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:33,440
Speaker 7: Like you can't go anywhere?

678
00:33:33,880 --> 00:33:35,360
Speaker 5: Why are you shopping clothes?

679
00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,320
Speaker 7: Yeah, like you're not wearing it anywhere.

680
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:42,440
Speaker 6: So, or they watch a lot of television and they're

681
00:33:42,480 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 6: obsessed with Netflix. Or you're eating a bunch of cookies,

682
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 6: which I had one this morning for breakfast because.

683
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:50,240
Speaker 7: I was feeling uncomfortable.

684
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:54,600
Speaker 6: We all have something we do to get outside of ourselves,

685
00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,680
Speaker 6: and I am trying to make a movement where we

686
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 6: stop and we just us are okay with just as

687
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,800
Speaker 6: we are where we are, and that we are loved

688
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:10,040
Speaker 6: no matter what with all our brokenness, with all our discomforts,

689
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,720
Speaker 6: with all our low self esteem, that we're all the same,

690
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:16,800
Speaker 6: We're all scared of fear and abandonment at some level

691
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:17,520
Speaker 6: as humans.

692
00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:18,879
Speaker 5: I love you, Brian.

693
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,439
Speaker 3: Everyone follow Brian Davis get her book when it comes

694
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:25,240
Speaker 3: out in February, Secret Life of Hollywood, Sex and Love Addict,

695
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:29,440
Speaker 3: and then also her podcast Secret Life Podcasts, and just

696
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,680
Speaker 3: I love you. I'm proud to know you. I'm proud

697
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:36,320
Speaker 3: to call you a friend. So thanks for coming on BIB, Bye.

698
00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:38,360
Speaker 7: Guys, and congratulations on your.

699
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:39,719
Speaker 4: You all try to accept that.

700
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,400
Speaker 6: Yes, please do pat yourself on the book.

701
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:45,480
Speaker 4: Thanks, brand appreciate it.

702
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:47,960
Speaker 7: Bye, guys.

703
00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 2: You know it's like she ended with their you know,

704
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:08,560
Speaker 2: everybody has something that they reach for, and I just

705
00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:10,719
Speaker 2: want to clarify kind of what her and I are

706
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:13,440
Speaker 2: both saying on that is that doesn't mean everyone's an

707
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:18,040
Speaker 2: addict of something. It's just because there's tendencies behind that.

708
00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:20,960
Speaker 2: But but we do. Everyone has something that when they're

709
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:24,279
Speaker 2: feeling a certain way, they distract themselves and it could

710
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 2: be a healthy distraction, but we all try find ways

711
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 2: to avoid feeling that.

712
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 5: What is your healthy distraction?

713
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,239
Speaker 2: My hobbies, your hobbies my twelve hobbies.

714
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:36,760
Speaker 3: Then you start a hobby, you buy all the stuff

715
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:38,600
Speaker 3: for it, and then you do it like once or twice.

716
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:42,319
Speaker 4: What I haven't I done though?

717
00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,640
Speaker 5: I mean, you biked for like I biked.

718
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,160
Speaker 2: For a while, and I'm still going to once it

719
00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:49,759
Speaker 2: gets warm again. I'm just not that committed to do

720
00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:50,360
Speaker 2: it in the cold.

721
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I think, I mean, my healthy one's running,

722
00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:59,960
Speaker 3: but my probably my unhealthy is either scrolling on Instagram

723
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:05,239
Speaker 3: in like comparing or sometimes well, lately, I've done a

724
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 3: better job of not drinking wine when I'm frustrated because

725
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:11,960
Speaker 3: I've noticed that, like I was, just would drink wine

726
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:16,560
Speaker 3: just to not feel, which is not a good thing.

727
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:20,359
Speaker 3: So now I'm I'm careful to not drink on those

728
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,920
Speaker 3: nights because I don't want that to become an issue.

729
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:27,680
Speaker 1: So earlier before, Brian, you said something I found interesting.

730
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,319
Speaker 8: As you were saying about Mike's year, you referred to

731
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:32,440
Speaker 8: it as I forget the exact words you used. There

732
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,799
Speaker 8: was something like, as far as we know, you've been

733
00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 8: good for a year, and I feel like, of course

734
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,600
Speaker 8: it's impossible for you to know everything, But isn't there

735
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:44,720
Speaker 8: an implied lack of trust in that sentence.

736
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 3: I mean, I could see how you would think that,

737
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:53,239
Speaker 3: and I get it. But that's how I have to

738
00:36:54,880 --> 00:37:00,000
Speaker 3: because I don't know. I'll never know. Only he knows.

739
00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:05,040
Speaker 3: To my knowledge, i've seen him. If I if I

740
00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:09,160
Speaker 3: were to say like he is, that's gonna destroy me

741
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,640
Speaker 3: over and over and over because I don't know what

742
00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 3: the real truth is.

743
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:15,959
Speaker 4: But when you.

744
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,239
Speaker 1: Say that, is it a subtle way of saying to him,

745
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 1: I trust you to a point, I trust you ninety percent,

746
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:25,480
Speaker 1: but just so you know, it's not all the way

747
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:25,960
Speaker 1: there yet.

748
00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,040
Speaker 5: To me, it's not towards him. I could see how

749
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:28,319
Speaker 5: it could.

750
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:30,719
Speaker 3: Maybe you could maybe think it's like a passive, but

751
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,880
Speaker 3: it's more like to protect myself.

752
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:35,840
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think.

753
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:37,399
Speaker 8: I would take it personally, Like how do you take

754
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:37,800
Speaker 8: it when.

755
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:39,840
Speaker 2: You say I used to take it personally? For sure,

756
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:44,280
Speaker 2: because that's exactly how our to receive it as passive.

757
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:47,040
Speaker 2: It's like you're saying you believe me or trust me,

758
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:52,359
Speaker 2: but not really. But over time I'm able to realize

759
00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:58,520
Speaker 2: why that said, because you know, it's kind of you know,

760
00:37:58,520 --> 00:38:00,359
Speaker 2: fool me. Want shame on you for me, twe shame

761
00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 2: on me, you know what I mean? So that twice

762
00:38:03,239 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 2: I've had to reset my time.

763
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:10,719
Speaker 3: Well we've had to well like four times we've had

764
00:38:10,840 --> 00:38:14,440
Speaker 3: two year, three year birthdays and then have.

765
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 5: The reset of a few twice.

766
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 2: I've twice I've had to go back on my one year. Yeah,

767
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:22,480
Speaker 2: that's why I'm kind of getting that this would be

768
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:25,720
Speaker 2: the third time I've gotten two a year quote unquote

769
00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:30,920
Speaker 2: because the past ones. So I can understand that she

770
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 2: can't just wholeheartedly just trust fall into me, you know

771
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,480
Speaker 2: what I mean. That's going to take time, and I

772
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 2: got to earn that, so I don't take it personally anymore.

773
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,200
Speaker 2: I I you know, I take it for what it is,

774
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:47,480
Speaker 2: and I understand that there's still healing and pain behind it.

775
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:48,359
Speaker 5: Yeah.

776
00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:52,440
Speaker 3: My therapist is kind of always said, like, because that's

777
00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:55,400
Speaker 3: that's the knowledge that we know. What we know is

778
00:38:56,120 --> 00:39:00,279
Speaker 3: you know what we what we think is going going on,

779
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:03,640
Speaker 3: but we don't fully know. And so if we hold

780
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,040
Speaker 3: on like no, no he's not, then you're gonna like

781
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:10,359
Speaker 3: you can spiral like so crazy out of control because

782
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 3: you're gonna want to I'm gonna want to put the control.

783
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 3: I'm going to want to control what he's doing. And

784
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:18,879
Speaker 3: because I've I'm like, no, he's not lying, but if

785
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 3: I to the best of our not to the best

786
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:25,400
Speaker 3: of my knowledge, he's he's straight because I can't control

787
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:31,759
Speaker 3: what he's doing, so that makes it that makes me

788
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:35,320
Speaker 3: not hold the control. And I know it looks like trust,

789
00:39:35,400 --> 00:39:36,879
Speaker 3: but for me, it's more of just.

790
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,360
Speaker 4: The letting go of control.

791
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:42,240
Speaker 3: Letting go of expectations and control and the fear.

792
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,799
Speaker 8: But that but that's a good illustration of how this

793
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:49,600
Speaker 8: is not really a celebration of one year. It's the

794
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 8: tempered enthusiasm behind it because Mike's got the shame of

795
00:39:52,719 --> 00:39:55,080
Speaker 8: hitting this point plenty of time, Jenna st look out

796
00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:58,080
Speaker 8: the as far as we know, so therefore it is

797
00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:01,120
Speaker 8: what it is, and it's notable, but it's not a celebration.

798
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:03,399
Speaker 3: But I think it's still But that makes me sad

799
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,760
Speaker 3: because I think it's still should be celebrated because hopefully

800
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:09,880
Speaker 3: we won't have to come well they're I won't unfortunately

801
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:12,399
Speaker 3: be around for the next one, if there is one,

802
00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,959
Speaker 3: and that's just the reality. But I'll still support him

803
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:17,280
Speaker 3: from from afar.

804
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:20,600
Speaker 1: What's the farthest we've gotten one year?

805
00:40:21,520 --> 00:40:23,360
Speaker 5: But again, it wasn't really sober.

806
00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:25,520
Speaker 2: Now this is the farthest I've gotten.

807
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:27,560
Speaker 1: Well, that's worth celebrating.

808
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:27,839
Speaker 4: I think.

809
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:29,920
Speaker 3: See that's that's and that's what I'm saying, Like that's

810
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,279
Speaker 3: where I think, you know, that is worth celebrating. Yeah,

811
00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,880
Speaker 3: because yeah, because we've he this is the most sober

812
00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:40,759
Speaker 3: he's been for a year. Like that's amazing, And I

813
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 3: do want him to celebrate that because I hope that

814
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 3: it's going to be you know, one year, one day

815
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:49,680
Speaker 3: and then one year, you know, like I'm excited for him.

816
00:40:49,680 --> 00:40:55,200
Speaker 1: I want him to feel so celebration at two years

817
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,120
Speaker 1: because we've never come close to two years, right, or maybe.

818
00:40:58,920 --> 00:40:59,640
Speaker 4: It's five years.

819
00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:02,520
Speaker 3: No, I mean, hey, every every year that it gets

820
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,839
Speaker 3: more and he's legit so like you know, like live

821
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,600
Speaker 3: and how he'd lived the past year. I mean, we're

822
00:41:08,600 --> 00:41:10,200
Speaker 3: gonna have massive celebrations.

823
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:12,719
Speaker 2: Well and here, but here's the thing that anyone in

824
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:16,359
Speaker 2: program would say to all that is, I don't even

825
00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:20,960
Speaker 2: I'm not even thinking about that because now getting to

826
00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,360
Speaker 2: this point, being the farthest I've gone along, I realized

827
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,400
Speaker 2: why people in program said it's you know, one day

828
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 2: at a time, because it is you literally live one

829
00:41:29,120 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 2: day at a time. You know, the moment you start

830
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:35,960
Speaker 2: thinking about all that and you know that's when you

831
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:40,200
Speaker 2: look past yourself. So I'm just focused on today, Tomorrow'll

832
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,920
Speaker 2: be focus on tomorrow and hopefully next thing, I know,

833
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:44,719
Speaker 2: I look up and it's been ten years.

834
00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:49,800
Speaker 3: Hey man, Well, I genuinely am really excited to celebrate

835
00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:53,000
Speaker 3: your one year. And I hope that, like you said,

836
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:56,360
Speaker 3: there's many more years to come. But for right now,

837
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:59,359
Speaker 3: let's just soak in the one year. And I'm proud

838
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:01,839
Speaker 3: of you for live in a sober year.

839
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:04,080
Speaker 2: Well, I appreciate that, honey. I'm really going to try,

840
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 2: and you know, I just want to say thank you

841
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:12,799
Speaker 2: because you know, I've put us through a lot and

842
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 2: you're still here, and like I was telling Brian earlier

843
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:19,960
Speaker 2: in the show, and you is in a healthy way.

844
00:42:20,040 --> 00:42:24,200
Speaker 2: You know, you're a huge part of my motivation. And

845
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 2: I just continue to remind myself on how grateful I

846
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 2: am that I still have you, because there's a lot

847
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 2: of people that wouldn't stick around. So I thank you,

848
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:38,040
Speaker 2: and uh, we'll just make the day the the best

849
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:41,800
Speaker 2: we can. I love you, Love you to see y'all.

850
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:42,200
Speaker 6: Hice