WEBVTT - S2 [9] Ophelia | The Ballad of Billy Balls 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:08.920 Wow. I never thought there would be an actual eyewitness 0:00:08.960 --> 0:00:12.080 report of what happened, and we have absolutely no way 0:00:12.080 --> 0:00:14.840 of knowing whether that's true at all. I'm showing my 0:00:14.920 --> 0:00:21.079 dad Seth the police report from Billy's shooting. Is he 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:24.480 saying that Billy came into the bathroom with a pistol drawn? 0:00:26.440 --> 0:00:30.920 That makes no sense. The subject came into the bathroom 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:35.280 and observed the PO writing on the paper. At that point, 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:39.560 the subject drew a caliber automatic and stated to the PO, 0:00:40.000 --> 0:00:43.760 give me the fucking paper. Give me the paper, and 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:46.360 then the PO took out money to make the deal 0:00:46.720 --> 0:00:48.600 while the purpose was holding the gun on him and 0:00:48.640 --> 0:00:51.760 to unloaded. While you're holding that gun on you, Let's 0:00:51.760 --> 0:00:56.960 do this deal. That's what happened. He's saying, Okay, you see, 0:00:56.960 --> 0:01:00.520 no those facts? Is that the truth? Am I looking 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:04.160 at the truth? Is that? What this is? When people 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:08.280 put this like money, like decoration around it and stamp 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:14.040 it from the city, this is truth from the perspective 0:01:14.280 --> 0:01:19.319 of the perpetrators of a homicide. I mean, you know, 0:01:19.360 --> 0:01:24.000 the police do have a reputation. New York was a 0:01:24.120 --> 0:01:27.960 very dangerous city. It was a very poor city, and 0:01:28.120 --> 0:01:30.520 in terms of the way the city ran. It was broken. 0:01:30.760 --> 0:01:33.400 You know. The cops were dirty, and they were violent 0:01:33.520 --> 0:01:40.760 and they were corrupt. When you're doing a documentary like 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:45.039 this in which there are culprits and victims, and the 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.960 tendency to think that there is an absolute truth is 0:01:48.160 --> 0:01:52.920 perhaps false, you know, because there are two people in 0:01:52.920 --> 0:01:55.360 a room to kill somebody. Both of them have a 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:58.240 perspective on what happened, and one of their perspectives was 0:01:58.280 --> 0:02:01.160 shut off. And we'll never going to hear that perspective. 0:02:01.200 --> 0:02:06.000 We're never gonna get Billy's idea of what happened. Ever. 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:11.840 For Rebecca, I think this will be just a thousand 0:02:11.960 --> 0:02:20.720 years of nightmares. So protect her from this. My dad's 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:23.200 worried about how my mom might react to seeing the 0:02:23.200 --> 0:02:26.800 police report. I feel defensive of her. I feel protective 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:30.040 of her. If somebody you love dies of cancer, or 0:02:30.200 --> 0:02:34.760 somebody you love falls off of peer and drowns, that's 0:02:34.800 --> 0:02:38.520 one thing. But if somebody who you thought was your 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:43.800 life partner, your protector, you're gladiator, You're like soul mate 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:49.639 is viciously murdered and then their body thrown into an 0:02:49.720 --> 0:02:56.040 unmarked grave, and you're denied even the right to mourn 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:01.160 through the ritual of burial. If you're ripped away from 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:04.919 that person in the way that Rebecca was torn away 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:08.840 from her life with Billy, your grief is of a 0:03:08.880 --> 0:03:15.440 different nature. It's not distinguishable from anger. It's raging grief. 0:03:15.560 --> 0:03:24.560 It's like slaughter. Everybody grief today on the show, My 0:03:24.639 --> 0:03:28.320 Mother's grief in the years following Billy's death leads her 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:32.120 to an unlikely source of comfort and a big surprise 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:42.040 me from crime Town. I'm io till it right, and 0:03:42.200 --> 0:03:56.840 this is the ballad of Billy balls By was you know, 0:03:57.080 --> 0:04:01.880 into the socks, which, like all pure speed, really good 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:08.000 pure speed, goild. Rebecca always seemed very vibrant and happy, 0:04:08.320 --> 0:04:11.560 and he seemed happy. They were great together. They were 0:04:11.600 --> 0:04:17.800 great together. I remember Rebecca called me, you know, she 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:21.839 called me right after it happened, had Billy been shot. 0:04:26.839 --> 0:04:32.360 I remember just the raw feeling of the the fucking 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:38.640 pain of grief, and I would like to not remember 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:41.680 that feeling. Quiz the weakening this stopped It was you 0:04:41.800 --> 0:04:57.320 being worn. Chapter nine, Ophelia, do you remember the first 0:04:57.320 --> 0:05:01.039 time you ever saw my mother? Yes, I do do, 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:07.760 tell um. I went up town to a party. It 0:05:07.839 --> 0:05:11.760 was my dad was in his late twenties and working 0:05:11.760 --> 0:05:15.760 as an experimental theater director. One summer night, he headed 0:05:15.800 --> 0:05:21.279 to a party uptown. It was one of those nice 0:05:21.320 --> 0:05:24.200 Upper West Side apartments that are owned by a shrink 0:05:24.320 --> 0:05:28.039 or something. And she was lying on the floor and 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:34.800 naked in a triangle of sunlight in a party where 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:37.560 people were standing around with beers and drinks, and there 0:05:37.600 --> 0:05:41.719 she was, you know, this like leggy blonde. It was 0:05:41.760 --> 0:05:45.400 so it was so outrageous what she was doing because 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:48.479 she wasn't really talking to anybody at the party. She 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:54.479 was just sunbathing on the floor with no clothes on 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:58.520 in the party. And I definitely made a mental note 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:06.719 to get to know uh that person perhaps at another opportunity. 0:06:09.000 --> 0:06:12.719 That opportunity came a few weeks later when my dad 0:06:12.760 --> 0:06:15.120 was out at a nightclub. I had a flask in 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:17.440 my jacket and I took a drink and I got 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:20.760 this huge hand black on my color and it was 0:06:20.800 --> 0:06:23.839 the bouncer, and he said get out of the club, 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:26.479 and he, you know, dragged me by my neck. And 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:29.159 on the other arm, he was dragging this girl and 0:06:29.160 --> 0:06:35.599 it was Rebecca. He was throwing her out and throwing 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:37.320 me out at the same time. And so it was 0:06:37.360 --> 0:06:40.039 like it was like a it was like a romantic comedy, 0:06:40.160 --> 0:06:42.640 you know, slammed the door shut and we were both 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:48.640 landed on the sidewalk, and it was like, oh, what 0:06:48.680 --> 0:06:51.000 did you do? You know? I was like I was 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:54.159 just trying to drink out of my flask and what 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:57.359 did you do? Some ship? You know and whatever, and 0:06:57.400 --> 0:07:01.000 then we just went walking together, and um, we kind of. 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:06.080 I was very attracted to her, you know, her combination 0:07:06.160 --> 0:07:08.960 of extraordinary femininity like a show girl. She was like 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:14.040 a show girl, but it was more like a show 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:16.960 girl that could throw a spear, you know, and bring 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:20.000 down a horse at a hundred meters type of show girl. 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:24.560 And she liked me, and we had a kind of 0:07:24.560 --> 0:07:26.800 a date after that, but it was by then it 0:07:26.880 --> 0:07:29.320 was already five in the morning or something, so what date. 0:07:30.360 --> 0:07:33.640 My dad quickly realized that my mom wasn't an easy 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:37.520 person to get to know Rebecca, Like from the very beginning, 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:41.200 it was extraordinarily KG about any kind of details like 0:07:41.360 --> 0:07:47.600 exact address or exact phone number or exact anything. My 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:51.239 mom is still KG about personal details. Where is this, 0:07:51.520 --> 0:07:54.040 I don't know. Actually, she didn't want to discuss my 0:07:54.120 --> 0:07:57.280 dad at all for this project or something. I don't 0:07:57.320 --> 0:08:01.640 know you were. Every time he came up, she changed 0:08:01.720 --> 0:08:05.240 the subject. I was stick to the subject. For Christ's sake. 0:08:06.680 --> 0:08:09.560 You are the subject, so you won't be hearing her 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:15.760 perspective on their relationship. Rebecca was like somebody walking around 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:20.000 with a big bundle of secrets, or who had learned 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:23.720 the hard way that you don't share personal information with 0:08:23.760 --> 0:08:27.800 anyone because it will be come back and bite you 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:37.720 in the s as she would say, you know. The 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:40.200 third time I met her was on the street on 0:08:40.320 --> 0:08:43.480 the Bowery, walking down south, and she was carrying a 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:47.920 whole bunch of plastic bags and looked extremely distraught. She 0:08:48.040 --> 0:08:50.520 was her fingers were all screwed up and wrapped around 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:55.640 the plastic bags, and she looked absolutely desperate. Then I 0:08:55.720 --> 0:08:57.960 said to her, what's what's the matter with you? And 0:08:58.000 --> 0:09:00.000 she's like, I can't go home. I can't go home. 0:09:00.280 --> 0:09:05.840 Wanta thugs and ship heads and creepy bastards, you know, 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:10.200 like I at the doors busted, the windows busted, the 0:09:10.280 --> 0:09:18.320 heats busted, the I don't feel safe there. I'm like, well, 0:09:17.559 --> 0:09:19.920 come and stay in my place. You could stay in 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:22.920 my kitchen and there's a room you know, if you 0:09:22.920 --> 0:09:27.360 want to come by, And she did come by and 0:09:28.040 --> 0:09:35.720 she didn't leave. After that, my mom moved into my 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:39.920 dad's railroad apartment, a narrow old place with a bathtub 0:09:39.920 --> 0:09:42.560 in the kitchen, and that's like a perfect setup for 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:45.440 an exhibitionist and for a wild ass like Rebecca. It's 0:09:45.440 --> 0:09:47.520 just like perfect. You know, she could be cooking and 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:51.760 having a bath. And I took the little middle bed 0:09:51.800 --> 0:09:55.000 and a half room. Rebecca never slept, so there wasn't 0:09:55.840 --> 0:10:00.800 necessity for a bedroom for Rebecca, which is a very 0:10:00.800 --> 0:10:03.520 strange thing when you think about it. I never saw 0:10:03.559 --> 0:10:06.200 her sleep in months, the first few months that I 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:13.080 knew her, I had never seen her sleep. My dad 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:15.800 was a director and my mom was a performer, so 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:19.320 they got closer by making things together. I was shooting 0:10:19.440 --> 0:10:23.040 a video, kind of very low rent video of Hamlet, 0:10:23.160 --> 0:10:26.679 and it occurred to me that Rebecca, with this wild 0:10:26.760 --> 0:10:30.240 blonde hair and this extraordinary kind of power in her 0:10:30.280 --> 0:10:33.240 eyes and in her face and in her hands. You know, 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:37.960 she radiates like physical energy and strength, could play Ophelia 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:41.920 in a much stronger way than the like shrinking violet 0:10:42.040 --> 0:10:45.720 with flowers in her hair that's traditionally in Shakespeare's Hamlet. 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:51.360 Ophelia is Hamlet's love interest who eventually goes mad with grief. 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:55.120 And I thought that that had cinematically, that that could 0:10:55.120 --> 0:10:57.960 be something very beautiful if I could capture that on camera. 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:03.120 By just by st charity a lack five for Shane. 0:11:03.800 --> 0:11:07.880 Young men will do if they come to by Cock, 0:11:08.120 --> 0:11:12.040 they aunt, blame. And then Rebecca would grab the book 0:11:12.080 --> 0:11:14.200 and go up on the roof and start reading these 0:11:14.240 --> 0:11:18.280 intense scenes. So what are you done? By his son? 0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:22.040 But and thou hast not come to my bed? It 0:11:22.160 --> 0:11:26.719 was this an incredibly dramatized, forceful way that she had 0:11:26.720 --> 0:11:29.480 of doing it. It wasn't acting. It was like like 0:11:29.520 --> 0:11:33.640 a volcanic impersonation. And I don't know, for me, it 0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:36.360 was coming together into a very interesting version of Hamlet. 0:11:37.160 --> 0:11:43.200 Come my coach, Good nights, ladies, good night, sweet ladies, 0:11:43.600 --> 0:11:52.480 good night, good night. And that's when she told me 0:11:52.520 --> 0:11:58.520 about Billy. That's when she started to trust me enough 0:11:58.800 --> 0:12:04.719 to share the story. Right, My mom finally told him 0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:09.079 what had happened. She recounted Billy's death in painful detail. 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:13.480 She knew who had come to visit Billy that night, 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:15.800 that she knew that it was a police officer and 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:20.800 off duty police officer and a cowboy hat. He had 0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:24.840 so many slugs in him that that's the act of 0:12:24.880 --> 0:12:27.720 somebody that wants to finish you off, you know, doesn't 0:12:27.720 --> 0:12:33.559 want you speaking, doesn't want you living. I didn't realize 0:12:33.559 --> 0:12:35.720 that that I was a very opportunistic and rather sick 0:12:35.760 --> 0:12:38.440 of me to want her to play Ophelia because she 0:12:38.679 --> 0:12:41.440 was made crazy by an event that took place in 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:45.920 her life that literally made her mad, you know, and 0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:49.599 I mean mad in the old sense of the word insane, 0:12:50.520 --> 0:13:00.800 with grief and anger. So it's not something you want 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:03.920 to hold the cameras on, you know. It's very intimate, 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:12.880 that grief and anger. It started to show up in 0:13:12.920 --> 0:13:18.880 their apartment. So when I would come home sometimes and 0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:22.960 hear the music on super allowed, like in my apartment 0:13:23.040 --> 0:13:33.360 wherever Becca was, and I would open the door. Becca 0:13:33.400 --> 0:13:36.040 would be with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, 0:13:36.679 --> 0:13:40.000 yelling into the speakers, singing at the top of her 0:13:40.080 --> 0:13:44.840 loans the songs that she and Billy really loved together, 0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:49.080 you know, and I would go, we're stop, and she 0:13:50.080 --> 0:14:06.520 nothing would stop her. My dad says, the grief over 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:09.840 Billy's murder sparked a fear in my mom that followed 0:14:09.880 --> 0:14:14.720 them everywhere they went. So I'm like on St. Mark's Place, 0:14:14.800 --> 0:14:18.280 somewhere around there, walking with Rebecca and there's two cops 0:14:18.320 --> 0:14:22.080 sitting in a cup car on the corner, and Rebecca 0:14:22.160 --> 0:14:29.680 gets all pale and kind of freaky h and I'm like, 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:31.400 what's the matter, what's the matter? And she's like turned around, 0:14:31.440 --> 0:14:34.000 turned around, turning around, no face that way. I'm like, why, 0:14:34.040 --> 0:14:37.800 what what? What? And I turned around, of course, you know, 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:40.040 and I see these two cops sitting in the car 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:41.640 and I'm like, what is this? Is those two cops 0:14:41.640 --> 0:14:43.520 in the car, And she's like, I can't look at 0:14:43.560 --> 0:14:44.760 that guy. I can't look at that guy. We gotta 0:14:44.760 --> 0:14:46.760 get away from you. We're gonna walk away from you. 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:51.440 And then so we're walking away, I'm going in said 0:14:51.480 --> 0:14:56.880 the guy? Is that the guy? What are you talking about? 0:14:56.960 --> 0:15:01.600 Is that the cowboy? And she wouldn't reply, and she 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:04.520 wouldn't tell me, and she wouldn't go any further with 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:07.600 any any detail whatsoever, but that she wanted us to 0:15:07.600 --> 0:15:09.360 get the funk out of there, and that that got 0:15:09.440 --> 0:15:12.760 that cop that was near the window side where we 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:16.880 were walking by freaked her out entirely, and that she 0:15:17.120 --> 0:15:20.000 recognized him and that and I said to her, I 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:21.880 was walking up the street like nervously going to something 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:23.400 to do with Billy's is the Billy thing? What's going 0:15:23.400 --> 0:15:25.840 to come on? Come out? Rebecca, tell me nothing. You know. 0:15:32.120 --> 0:15:36.200 My mom never explained to my dad what she saw. Instead, 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:39.760 she added it to her big bundle of secrets and 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:42.720 tried to keep life moving by going to auditions and 0:15:42.760 --> 0:15:47.200 pursuing her career. She had already worked with some big names. 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:52.680 How many startedst memories us freeing, No, No, No, we 0:15:52.760 --> 0:15:55.840 are com broke down. I didn't have a leading role. 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:58.160 It was just hired as an extra and I got 0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:00.760 bumped up. He gave me lives in US. Have liked me. 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:03.960 You know, you should make a film about flying sauces. 0:16:04.760 --> 0:16:07.240 I also did a movie with Lisa man Alle and 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.960 the original Arthur Dudley Moore. You're not gonna want to 0:16:12.080 --> 0:16:15.440 be a waitress for the rest of your life. I 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:19.760 did a walk for Luther V Andrew's first music video. 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:23.920 You know this song, that's me walking in the video. 0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:36.280 I had a million dollar walk o Caul. My mom 0:16:36.400 --> 0:16:39.880 was disciplined in her career and living in my dad's kitchen. 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:44.560 Was working out fine somehow, and then in the spring 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:50.160 of something caught my dad's eye. I had noticed that 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:52.600 she had a little bit of a bump, you know, 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:55.080 and for Rebecca to be a pound over, she just 0:16:55.440 --> 0:16:58.520 was working out extra hard in the last month, trying 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:02.120 to get rid of this slight expansion of her waist. 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:05.440 And she would talk about it like I can't fucking 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:06.959 get rid of this, you know. I'm like, what am 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:09.360 I doing? I can't be getting weight, It's not possible. 0:17:09.400 --> 0:17:11.200 I was like, ah, you know, she'd be like doing 0:17:11.640 --> 0:17:18.600 ninety thousand sit ups. And then one night I was 0:17:18.680 --> 0:17:20.840 just sitting in bed and watching her at four in 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:23.000 the morning, thinking, how God's name am I going to 0:17:23.040 --> 0:17:25.520 go to sleep. She's stirring a pot on the stove 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:28.840 and she had her hand on her belly and it 0:17:28.960 --> 0:17:32.959 was the classic person protecting their belly from the stove, 0:17:33.280 --> 0:17:37.240 the fire, a splatter or something. She was holding herself 0:17:37.359 --> 0:17:40.919 and I just said to her, Rebecca, you are with child, 0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:46.639 and she was like, get the funk out of here. 0:17:46.680 --> 0:17:51.480 You know. I'm like, Rebecca, you're pregnant. You're pregnant, and 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:55.320 she said that is insane. Don't tell me. I'm a woman, 0:17:55.400 --> 0:17:57.160 I know my own body. You don't tell me what's 0:17:57.160 --> 0:17:59.000 going on inside my body. And I'm like, you know what, 0:17:59.440 --> 0:18:04.840 you don't know. Shit. Then we went and she saw 0:18:05.160 --> 0:18:09.520 a doctor and was examined. She was five and a 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:12.760 half months pregnant. She wasn't you know, a little pregnant, 0:18:12.800 --> 0:18:15.880 and she was was It was very, very far down 0:18:15.920 --> 0:18:23.320 the line. And that's when Rebecca admitted to me, you 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:27.639 know there's some uh or I've been I do a 0:18:27.760 --> 0:18:35.080 little USh. I commune with Billy and I'm like, what's like, well, 0:18:35.119 --> 0:18:40.359 I take his drug and I'm like, oh yeah, what 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:44.399 drug is that? You know? And so that's when she 0:18:44.480 --> 0:18:48.879 said to Soxon. And that's when I looked up to 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:56.560 Sox and to Soxon Billy's drug of choice a prescription methemphetamine. 0:18:57.480 --> 0:19:00.359 And I called up the company that made it and 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:04.760 they said, yeah, oh yeah, it's definitely taratogenic. And I'm like, 0:19:05.000 --> 0:19:07.960 can you be more specific than like paratogenic foot coming 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:12.200 out of head, you know, arm from but you know, 0:19:12.840 --> 0:19:17.080 anything can happen. And I just kind of, you know, 0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:23.560 like went to pieces what how did she like what happened? Then? 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:32.520 Did she stop. Oh yes, immediately immediately, she absolutely uh 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:39.200 did everything to be healthy and to be strong. My 0:19:39.359 --> 0:19:45.399 mom got clean and kept performing. This is her in 0:19:45.440 --> 0:19:49.399 a movie called Sleepwalk by Sarah Driver. Man, what are 0:19:49.400 --> 0:19:51.520 you doing? I want to have anything to do it 0:19:53.240 --> 0:19:59.240 Sarah's movie Sleepwalk. Um playing the fence. Uh, very pregnant, 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:02.080 just like a mom before I was born. My mom 0:20:02.200 --> 0:20:05.040 is seriously pregnant. In the clip, in a wife beater 0:20:05.359 --> 0:20:08.720 on a nasty downtown street, a guy pulls up and 0:20:08.960 --> 0:20:12.720 stolen hoop tie and nothing is wrong with a car. 0:20:13.400 --> 0:20:17.119 I don't deal with kids. You don't have. He's bringing 0:20:17.160 --> 0:20:19.880 a stolen car and he doesn't know if it. There's 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.520 a little kid to sleep in the back seat. What 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:26.040 a waiting on? Stupid? Get this fucking car out of him. 0:20:26.280 --> 0:20:28.520 It's a really good scene. I'll get rid of the 0:20:28.600 --> 0:20:30.880 kid to bring back the car. No, man, don't bring 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:33.760 the car back. Don't you come back. Don't come back 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:36.040 with the car. We had Get in the car and split, 0:20:37.480 --> 0:20:43.640 Get in the car and split. Don't you split? Just yet? 0:20:44.320 --> 0:20:56.879 Coming up after the break a special delivery me. You know, 0:20:56.960 --> 0:20:58.760 we wanted to have you on the kitchen floor, and 0:20:58.960 --> 0:21:01.440 we had prepared everything thing to have a birth at home, 0:21:01.920 --> 0:21:05.040 but we immediately discovered that you were backwards. You were 0:21:05.080 --> 0:21:08.320 facing out spine to spine, which you can be very 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:10.920 painful birth. And before I even took a breath, I 0:21:11.040 --> 0:21:14.520 was causing problems. So my parents took a cab to St. 0:21:14.600 --> 0:21:19.920 Vincent's Hospital where I was born on September two, and 0:21:20.560 --> 0:21:24.120 she delivered you and put you right in my arms, 0:21:25.119 --> 0:21:27.240 and I checked if there was a hand coming out 0:21:27.280 --> 0:21:33.480 of your forehead, and you opened your eyes in my arms. 0:21:33.960 --> 0:21:39.600 You point point looked right at me, And that was 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:43.159 how you were born. What did my mom do with 0:21:43.400 --> 0:21:46.159 me when you first got home from the hospital. She 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:49.879 went from I don't want the babies bothering me. You're 0:21:49.920 --> 0:21:52.240 gonna build a wall right here in the kitchen, and 0:21:52.320 --> 0:21:54.480 the babies on that side and I'm on nest side, 0:21:54.520 --> 0:21:58.840 and you know, it's the whole thing two like a 0:21:59.000 --> 0:22:02.159 dragon with a eagan egg. And she just became the 0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:08.080 most protective, wildly defensive, utterly devoted mother you will ever 0:22:08.119 --> 0:22:10.040 see in your life. She just like put you under 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:12.560 her arm and wouldn't let anyone even near you. You know, 0:22:15.760 --> 0:22:17.680 my mom and dad try to make it work for 0:22:17.720 --> 0:22:21.119 a while. We thought we would try to be together 0:22:21.200 --> 0:22:24.080 to create a kind of stable couple for you. But 0:22:24.200 --> 0:22:27.560 we never thought you're right for me and I'm right 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:29.200 for you, and we're gonna make a life together. That 0:22:29.280 --> 0:22:33.480 just wasn't It was obviously. Actually the contrary was obvious. 0:22:34.119 --> 0:22:40.040 You know that we were utterly incompatible. Very quickly, Rebecca's 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:43.320 choices about what was the right way to raise a 0:22:43.440 --> 0:22:48.480 child became just absolutely intrangigan. I decided to move out. 0:22:52.240 --> 0:22:54.560 My dad moved to a nearby loft when I was 0:22:54.640 --> 0:22:58.159 around one. They had some fundamental differences that they just 0:22:58.240 --> 0:23:02.440 couldn't work through. In terms of health and nutrition. Her 0:23:02.640 --> 0:23:08.000 ideas were so extreme and so violently enforced. You couldn't 0:23:08.080 --> 0:23:12.400 eat this, you couldn't eat that, and I was completely 0:23:12.880 --> 0:23:17.800 against that form of upbringing. Her extreme was was really 0:23:17.840 --> 0:23:20.560 to the point of just like steamed vegetables in her 0:23:20.640 --> 0:23:25.000 fingers being handed to you at your mouth. You and 0:23:25.080 --> 0:23:27.280 I would go out together and you'd eat a Drake's cake, 0:23:27.480 --> 0:23:29.199 and I'd come home and bring you home, and Rebecca 0:23:29.200 --> 0:23:33.440 would go Drake's cake. That would be like so freaky. 0:23:37.240 --> 0:23:40.160 But it wasn't just the strict diet. There was something 0:23:40.240 --> 0:23:43.800 else that really bothered my dad. Rebecca decided that you 0:23:43.840 --> 0:23:46.439 were going to be in show biz, and I suddenly 0:23:46.480 --> 0:23:52.800 realized that my worst fear of what Rebecca could become 0:23:52.880 --> 0:23:55.080 in relation to you was actually coming true, that she 0:23:55.240 --> 0:24:00.720 was becoming a stage mum. Yeah, still planned not the 0:24:00.800 --> 0:24:05.320 guitar a little saying, this is my first role when 0:24:05.359 --> 0:24:08.000 I was too in a movie called Kiss Daddy, Goodnight. 0:24:08.760 --> 0:24:11.440 You gave me twenty. I gave you a fifty, Rebecca, 0:24:11.560 --> 0:24:12.680 what did you do with the rest of the money. 0:24:12.760 --> 0:24:15.600 Steve BISHEMI played my dad, Go get your own beer, 0:24:16.000 --> 0:24:19.280 and my mom played my mom. The movie was Uma 0:24:19.359 --> 0:24:32.920 Thurman's debut two Listen, but Hollywood was only a piece 0:24:33.000 --> 0:24:35.439 of my mom's master plan for me. You were going 0:24:35.480 --> 0:24:40.560 to be a Broadway dancer, tap dancer, singer, or a 0:24:40.600 --> 0:24:42.800 star or whatever. You were going to go to audition 0:24:43.240 --> 0:24:49.440 after audition after audition. It was a horror to me. 0:24:50.760 --> 0:24:54.639 But she was so insisting that you do this. So 0:24:54.840 --> 0:24:58.639 that battle um turned into a series of fights that 0:24:58.800 --> 0:25:01.000 were just so off old that I thought for you 0:25:01.160 --> 0:25:03.760 it was unhealthy. I thought it was psychically unhealthy for you. 0:25:04.119 --> 0:25:07.200 That she was like pulling you out of my arms 0:25:07.240 --> 0:25:14.359 and like yelling in the street, and he feared that 0:25:14.680 --> 0:25:17.399 she might have been slipping back into an old habit. 0:25:18.040 --> 0:25:22.119 But I was detecting that Rebecca might have been returning 0:25:22.200 --> 0:25:28.040 to dis oxen occasionally. Um, she would have episodes, and 0:25:28.240 --> 0:25:30.960 these episodes, I think now that I know more, we're 0:25:31.000 --> 0:25:34.879 a combination of alcohol into oxen, where she literally behaved 0:25:34.920 --> 0:25:37.880 in a psychotic manner. You know, she yelled and shouted 0:25:37.960 --> 0:25:42.360 and screamed and hung onto lamp posts and was completely 0:25:42.400 --> 0:25:45.320 incoherent what she was saying, and her eyes were kind 0:25:45.320 --> 0:25:48.640 of like lacquered over with something, and she wasn't looking 0:25:48.680 --> 0:25:50.480 at you directly, and I didn't know what was going on, 0:25:50.640 --> 0:26:01.040 and it was a horrifying circumstance. My dad's new loft 0:26:01.200 --> 0:26:03.359 was only a couple of blocks away, and I'd go 0:26:03.480 --> 0:26:08.080 stay with him on weekends. What was our relationship like perfect? 0:26:08.520 --> 0:26:14.560 We were absolutely like fascinated in love. Um, you know, 0:26:14.680 --> 0:26:17.159 we had lots of theatrics in the house. We played 0:26:17.440 --> 0:26:22.879 all kinds of role games of gangster Warrior. We built 0:26:23.040 --> 0:26:26.120 little chateaus and palaces. We went to the park a lot. 0:26:26.200 --> 0:26:28.520 We played a lot of ball together, like you were 0:26:28.640 --> 0:26:31.760 like a master ball player of any kind of ball. 0:26:31.880 --> 0:26:36.639 And I'm like a sports spastic. But for you, I 0:26:37.000 --> 0:26:39.720 did everything that I could. I don't know. We just 0:26:39.800 --> 0:26:42.200 had fun. We went everywhere. We went to museums, we 0:26:42.240 --> 0:26:46.320 went to we walked a lot, you know, and we 0:26:46.440 --> 0:26:49.200 just did ship. I mean, I just recall always having 0:26:49.240 --> 0:26:51.280 the best time with you. And this made things even 0:26:51.359 --> 0:26:54.320 worse because then when you would have to go back 0:26:54.359 --> 0:26:57.000 to Rebecca, you wouldn't want to go. And it was 0:26:57.280 --> 0:27:02.960 every single time this violent ripping away, like literally you 0:27:03.200 --> 0:27:05.920 screaming and saying, Dad, I don't want to go, I 0:27:05.960 --> 0:27:07.920 don't want to go, I don't and go, and Rebecca 0:27:08.119 --> 0:27:12.000 like feeling infuriated that you didn't want to go with her. 0:27:16.359 --> 0:27:19.600 And then when I was six, my dad took a 0:27:19.720 --> 0:27:23.360 job with a traveling dance company and left the country. 0:27:24.680 --> 0:27:27.440 He wouldn't move back to New York for over a decade. 0:27:29.440 --> 0:27:32.840 For a long time, I couldn't reconcile how or why 0:27:33.000 --> 0:27:37.159 he would have left me behind like that. But there 0:27:37.280 --> 0:27:39.520 was a key piece of information that I didn't have. 0:27:42.720 --> 0:27:46.840 There was something that you were hiding from me. I 0:27:46.880 --> 0:27:50.960 didn't tell you that I was a harmonetic and I 0:27:51.119 --> 0:27:58.760 was very ill, you know, one day without a hundred 0:27:58.760 --> 0:28:02.440 and fifty bucks worth of her when and I'm practically 0:28:02.480 --> 0:28:08.440 a dead body. So it's not like I'm kind of 0:28:08.560 --> 0:28:12.000 a valiant night able to rescue you. I mean myself 0:28:12.800 --> 0:28:17.040 deeply impaired, you know, so you know, in the end, 0:28:17.480 --> 0:28:18.880 not in the end, but in the middle, it became 0:28:18.880 --> 0:28:24.200 a question of what what do you rescue? First? My 0:28:24.359 --> 0:28:27.159 dad explains that he left New York because he was 0:28:27.280 --> 0:28:31.040 convinced he'd never be able to get clean there, and 0:28:31.119 --> 0:28:32.920 it was very hard for you to see that. And 0:28:33.000 --> 0:28:34.920 I think it's still it's hard for you to imagine 0:28:35.880 --> 0:28:39.200