1 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:15,760 Speaker 1: This is Teddy Teapot. Hi guys, welcome back to Teddy 2 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:20,840 Speaker 1: te Pod. Um. I'm gonna start this week. I have 3 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:28,000 Speaker 1: to kind of dedicate this teapod to like our little dog, Klisi. Um. 4 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: It's crazy because I have to kind of get in 5 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,320 Speaker 1: the right mindset to even talk about what's happened the 6 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:38,159 Speaker 1: past couple of weeks. But UM, this week's podcast, we're 7 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: going to talk about grief and how we process grief, 8 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,520 Speaker 1: how we talk to our kids about grief. Um. And 9 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,839 Speaker 1: I realized that I'm talking about a pet and so 10 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: many others are talking about a person. But I think 11 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,520 Speaker 1: that there's a lot to talk about here and none 12 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,280 Speaker 1: of us know how to process it. So I figured 13 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,680 Speaker 1: I'd start by just telling my story for those of 14 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:08,399 Speaker 1: you who don't know. Um, my kids and I have 15 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,600 Speaker 1: we have a family dog. Her name was Kalisi. Um. 16 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:17,600 Speaker 1: We loved her so very much. We still do. And 17 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 1: last maybe it was like two weeks ago, my husband, 18 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 1: kids and I were heading to Orange County for my 19 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,600 Speaker 1: stepdaughter's birthday party. And you know, we have a dog, 20 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:31,400 Speaker 1: and we were thinking what's the best thing for the dog, 21 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,959 Speaker 1: Probably not to ride in the car with us, you know, 22 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,360 Speaker 1: an hour and a half in traffic, try to figure 23 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:37,959 Speaker 1: out what to do with her during the party. Blah 24 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: blah blah, you know, like all of those things that 25 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: you think about when you have a loved one. And 26 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:46,520 Speaker 1: she had been to this doggie daycare place before, and 27 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: I was like, oh, she could have a fun play day. 28 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: Blah blah blah. The kids and I pack her up, 29 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: drop her off. We see the people there, we see 30 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: the other little doggies. It's not, you know, they're not 31 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: like locked up in crates. It's say, if you know, 32 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,960 Speaker 1: we think everything's great. And right around the time we're 33 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,840 Speaker 1: pulling into Orange County, pulling into my stepdaughter's birthday, I 34 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:13,440 Speaker 1: get a hysterical phone call um from the woman who 35 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:18,040 Speaker 1: owns the facility. I can't even make out what she's saying, 36 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,960 Speaker 1: but I know it's her phone number, so i'm I 37 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,919 Speaker 1: can hear that she's saying. I'm at the vet, so 38 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:28,800 Speaker 1: I say, can you please put the vet on? I 39 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 1: talked to the vet and they say that Clissy's not breathing. 40 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,960 Speaker 1: She's going to need to go on life support and 41 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:43,240 Speaker 1: they don't know what happened to her. Um. So so 42 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 1: many things happen when you're in that moment, like, the 43 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,520 Speaker 1: first thing is, holy crap, we're walking into my stepdaughter's 44 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: birthday party and I'm about to have to fake this 45 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: right now. Number two is you're dog gonna make it? 46 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,240 Speaker 1: Number three? What this is all my fault? I should 47 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,919 Speaker 1: have never dropped her off at this place. I should 48 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:09,600 Speaker 1: have figured something else out. Number four, what am I 49 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 1: going to tell my kids? They know where she is, 50 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,920 Speaker 1: you know, because when I was little and something happened 51 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:19,000 Speaker 1: to your family petish, all of a sudden they were gone, 52 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:23,639 Speaker 1: and then miraculously they you know, I don't remember even 53 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:26,360 Speaker 1: what happened, but my kids knew where our dog was 54 00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 1: because they were with me when we dropped her off. 55 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:35,480 Speaker 1: So I figured out how to numb myself throughout the 56 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: birthday party, waiting for Vets to call, waiting for more information, um, 57 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,080 Speaker 1: you know, trying to have the best time possible, praying 58 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,880 Speaker 1: and hoping she was gonna be okay, you know, messaging 59 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:52,119 Speaker 1: the vet, messaging the woman, trying to figure out details. 60 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 1: I can't get really any details. Long story short, what 61 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,480 Speaker 1: they think happened is she either had brain or final 62 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:06,880 Speaker 1: injury from a fall and she passed away. So that night, 63 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,400 Speaker 1: you know, I asked, can I come in? They said, 64 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,280 Speaker 1: there's no point. You can't touch her, you can't talk 65 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,080 Speaker 1: to her. She's like in a you know, and like 66 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 1: a it's not a box, but she's like in you know, 67 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,359 Speaker 1: on life support. That there's nothing you can do, and 68 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: she's not responsive. She won't hear you, she won't know 69 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:28,360 Speaker 1: that you're there. And uh so then I just had 70 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 1: to wait and uh then three in the morning, the 71 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 1: vet called and they said, yeah, she's um, she passed. 72 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:41,160 Speaker 1: Oh first before that, they sent a message if she 73 00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:44,760 Speaker 1: starts to pass, do you want to do? Um? Do 74 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:48,480 Speaker 1: you want us to do life altering measures to resuscitate her? 75 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,279 Speaker 1: And I said, you know, I want you to do 76 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,919 Speaker 1: whatever you would do for your dog. You know, I 77 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,360 Speaker 1: don't want to put her in more pain, but of 78 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: course I want her to live. So just you do 79 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,080 Speaker 1: you know what I truy, you know, I'm trusting in 80 00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:04,160 Speaker 1: the pet. And so at three am they caught me 81 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,520 Speaker 1: and like we're in the stage now where like my 82 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,919 Speaker 1: son sleeps in the same room as me and my husband, 83 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,600 Speaker 1: and you know, the girls are in the room next door, 84 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 1: and I don't know what to do. I don't know 85 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,560 Speaker 1: how I'm going to tell the kids. I just started sobbing. 86 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,640 Speaker 1: My husband is looking at me, and you know, I'm 87 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: also emotional. I'm six and a half months pregnant. I'm 88 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:28,840 Speaker 1: not trying to make this about me. But I really 89 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:32,520 Speaker 1: didn't know how to process this or even tell the kids. 90 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: So I started doing research online and how do you 91 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:43,560 Speaker 1: tell your children when a loved one or a pet 92 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,080 Speaker 1: or something passes away. I ended up finding this like 93 00:05:48,279 --> 00:05:50,560 Speaker 1: book about it, and I learned some of the key 94 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,120 Speaker 1: things to do, and they said, you know, number one, 95 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 1: don't say that the don't lie to your kids. Number two, 96 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,360 Speaker 1: don't say that your dog passed away randomly, because then 97 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: your children will fear just passing away randomly. Um, don't 98 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:12,520 Speaker 1: say that your dog passed away or died in its sleep, 99 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: because then your kids will be scared to go to sleep. 100 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,680 Speaker 1: And um. So I was like, okay, you know, now 101 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:20,839 Speaker 1: I have the tools now. And then all of a sudden, 102 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: in your mind, You're like, well, maybe I should wait 103 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:24,440 Speaker 1: throughout the weekend. Maybe I don't need to really tell 104 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: them yet, maybe I could just fake it. And then 105 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:30,560 Speaker 1: I was like, I just can't. And so the next morning, 106 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,880 Speaker 1: when the kids wake up. We told them, and they 107 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: all had very different reactions. Um Slate immediately started crying 108 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: and she had anger. She was mad at the place 109 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,719 Speaker 1: I know how to take care of her. How could 110 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,640 Speaker 1: this happen? How could this happen? Why would she do that? 111 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: Um Bella was quiet, not really asking anything. And then 112 00:06:57,839 --> 00:07:01,479 Speaker 1: Cruise was very you know, like he's too little, Like 113 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,320 Speaker 1: he almost made a joke where he was like, well, 114 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: you know, Santa's got work to do, you know, Like 115 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,680 Speaker 1: it's just so crazy how kids process it differently. So 116 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:14,200 Speaker 1: we've spent the last week or so going through this 117 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:18,720 Speaker 1: where sometimes we're crying, sometimes we're laughing, sometimes we're looking 118 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 1: at pictures and like remembering the good times. And then 119 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:27,480 Speaker 1: sometimes I'm just numbing it because I am doing so 120 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:29,920 Speaker 1: many things right now and I don't want I don't 121 00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 1: want to bring my energy onto the kids or I also, 122 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: you know, I realized that I'm having to go to 123 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 1: work and do things like that and I can't bring 124 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: my sadness into it. But I also know I have 125 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: to be vulnerable and grieve. But you know what, I 126 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:50,480 Speaker 1: don't really know how. So we're going to bring um 127 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 1: David Kessler on in a bit to kind of go 128 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:58,280 Speaker 1: through the grieving process and give us some advice, because 129 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,400 Speaker 1: I know there are so many of us going through 130 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: the holidays where maybe you're grieving a loved one, or 131 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,200 Speaker 1: maybe somebody is sick, or you're not sure how to 132 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:12,080 Speaker 1: talk to your kids about their grandparents passing or whatever 133 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,120 Speaker 1: it may be. There's so many different topics on this point. 134 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 1: And you know, I did a something on my Instagram 135 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: and it just blew up with questions. So I really 136 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,880 Speaker 1: just want to get his take on everything. So we're 137 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 1: gonna take a little break and then come back with him. Hi. 138 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,280 Speaker 1: So now we're on with David Kessler. He is the 139 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,640 Speaker 1: author of five best selling books, one of them being 140 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,600 Speaker 1: The Needs of Dying, and his services have been used 141 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: by Elizabeth Taylor, Carrie Fisher, Jamie Lee Curtis, among many others. 142 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,960 Speaker 1: And we are so grateful to have you here today 143 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,440 Speaker 1: because we need some help around here on Teddy Teapot. 144 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: I'm glad to be with you. Thank you so much. 145 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: So um, I just recently shared a story about how 146 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: we just lost our family pet and kind of a 147 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,640 Speaker 1: more we weren't ready for it, you know, like it 148 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,719 Speaker 1: was just a random occurrence and accident that happened, and 149 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,000 Speaker 1: why the dog was in somebody else's care and we 150 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: weren't able to say goodbye. And we're kind of going 151 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,440 Speaker 1: through the where we're crying, then all of a sudden 152 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: we're laughing, then we're numb, then we're not talking about it, 153 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 1: then we're talking about it NonStop. Do we get a 154 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:37,559 Speaker 1: new dog? So that's kind of where we are um 155 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,400 Speaker 1: and then I also have a lot of listener questions 156 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:44,200 Speaker 1: about grief as well, So I was kind of curious, 157 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: since you're professional for loss in regards to anyone, what 158 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,240 Speaker 1: do you think the best way to tell your kids is? Well, 159 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:58,160 Speaker 1: I think honesty and simplicity is the best way. I 160 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:01,760 Speaker 1: think the kids know and we're not telling the truth. 161 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,240 Speaker 1: And part of the problem is is they feel it, 162 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: and kids think it might be something they did wrong. 163 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,240 Speaker 1: So I don't believe in giving too much information, but 164 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,000 Speaker 1: I think in you know, whatever your beliefs are, whether 165 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: you believe your dog went to heaven, grandpa went to heaven, 166 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,680 Speaker 1: or they died, whatever it may be, to tell them 167 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: the truth. I mean they understand this Sesame street other 168 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,600 Speaker 1: you know, every Disney movie has a death in it, 169 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,000 Speaker 1: So kids get the concept. And do you think that 170 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:37,199 Speaker 1: grief can pop up at any time, like even years 171 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:41,319 Speaker 1: down the road, or is there like a standard protocol 172 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,240 Speaker 1: for how long someone grieves. I know that sounds crazy, 173 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:48,480 Speaker 1: but I mean, I'm curious for myself. Well, people think 174 00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: there's some timeline in grief and there isn't. But the 175 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,600 Speaker 1: reality is grief changes. So first of all, I want 176 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: to just ask you, what's your dog's name. Her name's 177 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:03,600 Speaker 1: Galici Gleasie Calisi, Calisi, because I don't want to talk 178 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 1: about her as a loss. She's more than a loss. 179 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,600 Speaker 1: My rule on pet law says, if the love is real, 180 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,760 Speaker 1: the grief is real. So when we talk about loss, 181 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,959 Speaker 1: you're always going to remember her, You're always going to 182 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:22,559 Speaker 1: love her, but in time, hopefully you'll grieve her with 183 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:27,199 Speaker 1: more love than pain. Right now, it's all pain, but 184 00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:31,319 Speaker 1: in time that will change and be different. But you're 185 00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,439 Speaker 1: never going to forget her. You're never going to get 186 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:37,960 Speaker 1: over her. And at some point you'll all know whether 187 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,400 Speaker 1: it's time for a new dog and when that is. 188 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,439 Speaker 1: And there's no there's no hard rule on any of this. 189 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:45,839 Speaker 1: You know, you have to figure out what's right for 190 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 1: you and what's right for your best friend or your 191 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:53,000 Speaker 1: neighbor might be completely different for you. Yeah, and then 192 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,880 Speaker 1: if when it comes to loss and you start to 193 00:11:55,960 --> 00:12:00,839 Speaker 1: feel like almost anger or you like for me or 194 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:04,120 Speaker 1: the kids, like we are we're trying to process through 195 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,280 Speaker 1: the anger if this happened in somebody else's care, like, 196 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: we don't want to be angry. We want to practice forgiveness, 197 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:15,760 Speaker 1: and but how do you move through that? Well, it's 198 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,239 Speaker 1: interesting because our generation is one of the first generations 199 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,559 Speaker 1: that we have feelings on feelings. We have anger, but 200 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 1: then we feel like we shouldn't be angry. We're sad, 201 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:29,640 Speaker 1: but we shouldn't be sad. The reality is, if you're angry, 202 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,880 Speaker 1: be angry, find healthy ways to get that out. You know, 203 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: have a two minutes scream in honor of your anger. 204 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,679 Speaker 1: You know, go have a run in honor of your anger, 205 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,800 Speaker 1: because you have to get that anger out. You can't 206 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 1: go to forgiveness too quick, you know. The new book 207 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,760 Speaker 1: that I have is called Finding Meaning, And people want 208 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,959 Speaker 1: to sometimes skip the anger and skip the pain and 209 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,199 Speaker 1: just go to the we're done with it. But you 210 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,959 Speaker 1: can't go right to forgiveness. You've got to let the 211 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 1: anger out and then how do you get past the guilt? 212 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:09,400 Speaker 1: Like for for us, I'm you know, why did I 213 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 1: why did I drop her off? There? This is my fault. 214 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,439 Speaker 1: I could have figured something else out, you know, it 215 00:13:15,559 --> 00:13:19,000 Speaker 1: was my responsibility. You know, I'm taking putting the bloom, 216 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,960 Speaker 1: you know, I mean they're angry at her. I'm taking 217 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,440 Speaker 1: all the blame, putting it all myself. So, first of all, 218 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:30,280 Speaker 1: we can't fathom that death occurs. So we want to 219 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: something so uncontrollable like death. We want to blame ourselves 220 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,280 Speaker 1: or the other person, and we flip fall back and 221 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:45,600 Speaker 1: forth between both, and the reality is you, I'm sure 222 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: you dropping her off. You did not know this was 223 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:54,160 Speaker 1: going to happen. And had you known, you wouldn't have. So, 224 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,199 Speaker 1: you know, we blame ourselves for information we didn't have. 225 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:03,760 Speaker 1: No one could have known she was going to die. Yeah, 226 00:14:04,679 --> 00:14:09,880 Speaker 1: and so you were taking care of her, thank you? Right? 227 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:13,079 Speaker 1: Is that isn't that true? Could you like you didn't know? 228 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,920 Speaker 1: You were like you know, doing something that you know 229 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:21,800 Speaker 1: she was about to die. And it's so strange we 230 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,400 Speaker 1: have this way that we blame ourselves for dropping our 231 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: pet off or for going to lunch, and then our 232 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,240 Speaker 1: husband gets killed in a car accident, or we let 233 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: our kids out to play and something horrible happened to them. 234 00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:40,880 Speaker 1: We can't understand that death happens, and so the reality 235 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:46,960 Speaker 1: is it does, and it's heartbreaking, and our body and 236 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,800 Speaker 1: soul and psyche are built to take a number of 237 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: hits this lifetime. And part of your work for your 238 00:14:54,840 --> 00:15:00,840 Speaker 1: kids is to model grief is sad, Grief is anger, 239 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:05,680 Speaker 1: Grief is painful, and grief is also living on and 240 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,640 Speaker 1: finding ways to honor your dog, honor our loved ones. 241 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,920 Speaker 1: It will take time, but you know, we just can 242 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 1: only stay present with whatever feelings we have. Do you 243 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: think there's a way to process grief before it even happens, Well, 244 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,920 Speaker 1: we do. We have what we call um anticipatory grief, 245 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:31,920 Speaker 1: like when your loved one has Alzheimer's or cancer or something, 246 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:35,440 Speaker 1: or your dog. Does we anticipated or we think, you know, 247 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:38,720 Speaker 1: someday our parents will die. So we do have that 248 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: grief that we process a little before someone dies, but 249 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,800 Speaker 1: we still have grief afterwards. And I know, like in 250 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 1: my past, I whenever I would feel sadness or grief, 251 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:56,000 Speaker 1: I would, you know, turn to food for comfort. Right? 252 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 1: Is this a common thing when it comes to grief 253 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: and how do people work on that when that starts 254 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:08,240 Speaker 1: to happen. Well, like anything, you know, at first, first 255 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 1: of all, you know, food is comfort, so we all 256 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,640 Speaker 1: go to that. We want to bring food to someone's house. 257 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,520 Speaker 1: So you just want to know that. You know, when 258 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,680 Speaker 1: things happen early on, you probably are going to turn 259 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: to food. It's not a good permanent strategy to deal 260 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 1: with grief, so we want to make sure at a 261 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:31,840 Speaker 1: certain point we feel those feelings. It's interesting in this 262 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 1: new book, when I was doing research finding meaning I 263 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,880 Speaker 1: read and I had no idea about this. I read 264 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:44,600 Speaker 1: about how buffaloes when a storm is coming, the buffaloes 265 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: run into the storm, and because they run into the storm, 266 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:55,440 Speaker 1: they minimize their time. And the hard part where the opposite. 267 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,240 Speaker 1: When grief comes, we run from it and we are 268 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,200 Speaker 1: like dealing with it for a longer period of time. 269 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,080 Speaker 1: So I think, you know, we don't know how to 270 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: do what our great grandparents did and just how to 271 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:12,879 Speaker 1: sit with these feelings. You know, we're such a productive, 272 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: get on with it society that when laws comes there 273 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,440 Speaker 1: is nothing to do. We just have to be Yeah, 274 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:25,720 Speaker 1: that makes sense. I'm gonna go into some listener questions, here, 275 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 1: do you mind if I just do some rapid fire 276 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 1: and you just said'd be great? Okay, great, So I'm 277 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,880 Speaker 1: let's start with how can my husband and I help 278 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:37,639 Speaker 1: each other cope with losing our grandparents? Ah? Well, first 279 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,439 Speaker 1: of all, just knowing your grief is going to be different. 280 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:47,440 Speaker 1: No two people have the same grief, so it may 281 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,960 Speaker 1: feel like one of you is doing better, one of 282 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,919 Speaker 1: you is moving forward faster, and just know that's normal. 283 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,639 Speaker 1: And our job is to honor our grief and not 284 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 1: compare it to one another. That's a good point. Um 285 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:07,119 Speaker 1: is grief psychological? My body, so this person said, is 286 00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: the grief psychological? My body knows anniversaries without my brain 287 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 1: identifying the day. Absolutely. I do retreats with a man 288 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:19,000 Speaker 1: named Paul Denniston. Paul does what's called grief yoga. People 289 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,360 Speaker 1: can find out about him at grief yoga dot com 290 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 1: and it's interesting. He talks about grief gets stuck in 291 00:18:25,119 --> 00:18:28,920 Speaker 1: our body, and just like your listener knows, it's so true. 292 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,640 Speaker 1: Even if you happen to forget the day, your body remembers. 293 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,399 Speaker 1: So grief is in our heart, it's in our mind, 294 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:41,199 Speaker 1: and it's in our body. Our mind works against us. 295 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,480 Speaker 1: Our mind tells us that's our fault. Our heart knows 296 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: what to do. Our body will sometimes store the grief. 297 00:18:48,119 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 1: So your listener is very attuned to their body that 298 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,480 Speaker 1: they know that. So what are some of the things 299 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,880 Speaker 1: they do when they're starting to feel it or they're 300 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,960 Speaker 1: starting to feel that pain and they're not sure why, 301 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,840 Speaker 1: but then they identify it how it's the next step. 302 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,440 Speaker 1: So the next step is your body needs motion. Go, 303 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm really missing my husband, my wife, 304 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: my pet, whoever it may be. I'm going to go 305 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: take a walk and feel this pain, or I'm going 306 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,159 Speaker 1: to go to a yoga class and feel it, or 307 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,760 Speaker 1: I'm going to take a run. But you need motion, 308 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 1: so it doesn't have to be a lot of motion, 309 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,879 Speaker 1: but just a little. Yeah, that's truthfully. That's one of 310 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 1: the biggest thing that also helps me with anxiety as well, 311 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,639 Speaker 1: is if you know, really feeling anxious, I'm like, I 312 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,160 Speaker 1: have to go on a walk, i have to get 313 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,600 Speaker 1: on the bike, I have to move because when I 314 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: just sit in my feelings, it gets so much worse 315 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:46,119 Speaker 1: and almost feels like debilitating. Right of course, Um, okay, 316 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:50,000 Speaker 1: how does someone deal? How does someone heal from losing 317 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:55,840 Speaker 1: their whole family so all of a sudden they're alone. Well, 318 00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:59,160 Speaker 1: it's it's tragic. And people have losses in so many 319 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: different ways. And by the way, I tend to think, 320 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,879 Speaker 1: it's always a death of something. A divorce is the 321 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 1: death of a marriage, A breakup is the death of 322 00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: that relationship. A job loss is the death of that 323 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:17,679 Speaker 1: work relationship. So and estrangement. People are estrange from their family. 324 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:21,639 Speaker 1: So if you find yourself alone, obviously you want to 325 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,399 Speaker 1: feel whatever feelings are coming up. And we have to 326 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:28,399 Speaker 1: know it's up to us to build connections again with 327 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,399 Speaker 1: other people with love ones. And for some people in grief, 328 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,439 Speaker 1: like I have online classes with groups, sometimes it might 329 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 1: be just connecting with other people who are in the 330 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,920 Speaker 1: same place at us at first. Yeah, because I know 331 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:45,040 Speaker 1: sometimes when when you're grieving or when you're struggling, the 332 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: hardest thing in the world is to talk to somebody, 333 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,239 Speaker 1: especially talk to somebody you don't know and open up. 334 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,639 Speaker 1: And you know, sometimes you're in such a almost like 335 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,800 Speaker 1: negative headspace. The thought of building a new relationship is 336 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:01,000 Speaker 1: like no, thank you, right, And that's why sometimes you 337 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 1: have to start with someone who's in the same place 338 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,160 Speaker 1: as you may be dealing with the same type of loss. 339 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,800 Speaker 1: And then I have somebody's asking there's three years into 340 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:14,840 Speaker 1: losing their parents and they're still not doing well. What 341 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,720 Speaker 1: do I do? Gosh, I'd love to know what not 342 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,840 Speaker 1: doing well? It looks like three years is still somewhat 343 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,280 Speaker 1: early in grief. I mean, I think of early grief 344 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,320 Speaker 1: as the first two years. So are they still missing them? 345 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: Because you're going to miss them forever? You know, people 346 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 1: ask me how long am I going to miss my spouse, 347 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,359 Speaker 1: my child, my parents, And my response is always how 348 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 1: long are they going to be dead? Because if your 349 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:42,000 Speaker 1: loved one is going to be dead a long time, 350 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 1: you're going to miss them a long time. You're always 351 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,960 Speaker 1: going to love them. Hopefully, in time the pain will 352 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:52,720 Speaker 1: change and you'll find ways to find meaning. The book 353 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,480 Speaker 1: is really about helping people with that sixth stage of 354 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 1: grief to find that meaning. And this is hard work, 355 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,440 Speaker 1: this is not easy. You know, what are the six 356 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: stages of Greece? So the first stage is denial. These 357 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:12,879 Speaker 1: were done by Kubler Ross, my co author, Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, 358 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:16,840 Speaker 1: and acceptance, And Elizabeth would have told you they're not linear, 359 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,280 Speaker 1: they're not a map for grief. You don't have to 360 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:22,679 Speaker 1: do them in order. I wrote this new book, Finding 361 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 1: Meaning the Sixth Stage because I believe we're a generation 362 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,120 Speaker 1: that doesn't want to just stop at acceptance. You don't 363 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: want to accept the loss of your family. You don't 364 00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:34,880 Speaker 1: want to just accept the loss of your beloved pet. 365 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,680 Speaker 1: You want to make meaning. We want to make their 366 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,920 Speaker 1: life meaningful. We want to remember them and honor them 367 00:22:42,119 --> 00:22:45,680 Speaker 1: in ways. And people sometimes here meaning and they think, 368 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,680 Speaker 1: are you talking about meaning in the death. No, there's 369 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,080 Speaker 1: no meaning in how your loved one died, but there's 370 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:56,680 Speaker 1: meaning in how you remember them. You know, when a 371 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: loved one dies, when a pet dies, a part of 372 00:23:00,119 --> 00:23:03,240 Speaker 1: us dies with them, but a part of them lives 373 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 1: on in us. And how can we honor some of 374 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:13,359 Speaker 1: those memories, those traits, those qualities, So saying that, you know, 375 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:16,639 Speaker 1: we're going into the holidays, so how do you honor 376 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:21,080 Speaker 1: a loved one, and you know, without making it depressing, 377 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,960 Speaker 1: like how are you honoring their presence and doing your 378 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:28,040 Speaker 1: well holiday traditions or whatever it is, but without bringing 379 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,639 Speaker 1: I'm not bringing it down. But what is there a 380 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:36,119 Speaker 1: happy medium? Well, first of all, death is a downer. 381 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,600 Speaker 1: I mean that we're not going to make it a 382 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:43,040 Speaker 1: ha ha happy death. But the reality is people often 383 00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:45,960 Speaker 1: believe if I go to that support group, if I 384 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,520 Speaker 1: go to that therapy, if I see the counselor if 385 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,280 Speaker 1: I go here, I'm going to be sad. The truth 386 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:55,840 Speaker 1: is the sadness is in us. So you know, as 387 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,040 Speaker 1: we approach these holidays, they are going to be triggering. 388 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,600 Speaker 1: They are going to be sad. For a lot of people, 389 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: this might be the first holiday without their loved one. 390 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,440 Speaker 1: And sometimes I say to people early on, you have 391 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:10,680 Speaker 1: to make peace with this holiday is going to suck. 392 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,720 Speaker 1: You're just going to have to make peace with that. 393 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:17,160 Speaker 1: You know, you can't have a spouse, a parent eye 394 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,520 Speaker 1: months before the holidays and you always do the holidays 395 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,120 Speaker 1: with them and it's just fine. It is going to suck, 396 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,080 Speaker 1: and I think we have to let that be okay 397 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:31,479 Speaker 1: for a while, right. And another thing, if if somebody 398 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:36,200 Speaker 1: has lost a child, right and they're feeling alone and 399 00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:41,280 Speaker 1: they're not sure how to grieve the child because nobody's relating. 400 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 1: I know that you said that you can join support groups, 401 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,560 Speaker 1: but if they're not even into to that place yet, 402 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: what is something they can be doing because nobody understands 403 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:54,399 Speaker 1: they're just well isolating themselves. Even more then sometimes it 404 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,159 Speaker 1: might be just connecting with their own pains. So, for 405 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,200 Speaker 1: example this book, part of the story in this book 406 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,879 Speaker 1: is also the story I have two kids and my 407 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:07,119 Speaker 1: younger son died, so I relate to that unfortunately. So 408 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,880 Speaker 1: along with my book, I have an online class that's 409 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:14,320 Speaker 1: completely free for anyone who gets the book. Your listeners 410 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:17,320 Speaker 1: can find out about that at six stage dot com 411 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:20,720 Speaker 1: s I x T H stage dot com or just 412 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:25,440 Speaker 1: go to my site grief dot com. Because sometimes it's 413 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,240 Speaker 1: to just honor that pain, and the pain of losing 414 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: a child is horrendous, So until that person is ready 415 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:35,399 Speaker 1: to connect with others, it might be just to feel 416 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:40,399 Speaker 1: their own pain. Right, And how do you explain so 417 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:45,240 Speaker 1: if if you have kids and you know another child 418 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:49,720 Speaker 1: classes away, or if grandpa grandma passes away, Right, how 419 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:54,800 Speaker 1: do you explain that to your kids? And I know 420 00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,760 Speaker 1: you said earlier to be honest and not too much information, 421 00:25:58,119 --> 00:26:01,200 Speaker 1: and don't use euphemisms, don't say you know dad's gone 422 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,600 Speaker 1: on a long trip or Grandpa has gone on a 423 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:07,440 Speaker 1: long sleep, but to actually say the word they died. 424 00:26:08,600 --> 00:26:11,440 Speaker 1: And you know what died means as different ages. It 425 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,640 Speaker 1: may mean you know they've gone to heaven. They left 426 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,920 Speaker 1: their body here, their spirit or sold is now in 427 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: heaven or the afterlife or whatever you believe. And you 428 00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:26,000 Speaker 1: know their body doesn't need to eat, drink anymore, and 429 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,920 Speaker 1: you know they're they're no longer in our life, but 430 00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,639 Speaker 1: they're in our heart. And do you think that you 431 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:37,040 Speaker 1: bring young kids to a funeral? Absolutely? What age does 432 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:40,480 Speaker 1: that start? Is that always? I believe if you're old 433 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:44,600 Speaker 1: enough to love, you're old enough to grieve. And so 434 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:49,560 Speaker 1: I'll tell you bringing kids to a funeral makes us uncomfortable, 435 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,040 Speaker 1: but not them uncomfortable. I mean, kids find all that 436 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:59,159 Speaker 1: really interesting. But we project all our fears and as 437 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,320 Speaker 1: a parent, I know I don't want my kids to 438 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,679 Speaker 1: experience sadness, so we think we want to keep them 439 00:27:04,720 --> 00:27:08,400 Speaker 1: away from it. But the reality is all our kids 440 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,400 Speaker 1: are going to deal with laws sometimes and it's our 441 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 1: place as our parents to teach them about loss. So 442 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,440 Speaker 1: how would you how would you describe it to kids 443 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:22,720 Speaker 1: that you're going to a funeral? Like? What is so great? 444 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,240 Speaker 1: A question? Great? You've got good questions to think, So 445 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:30,200 Speaker 1: I would say something like do you remember how we 446 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:34,040 Speaker 1: went to Grandpa's house last year for his birthday? We 447 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,960 Speaker 1: all sat around and we gave him a cake and 448 00:27:38,119 --> 00:27:42,440 Speaker 1: we sang Happy birthday. Happy birthday is another way we 449 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:46,560 Speaker 1: say I love you. Now we're going to gather one 450 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:50,440 Speaker 1: last time for Grandpa, and we called that gathering the 451 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:54,240 Speaker 1: last one, a funeral, and we're going to say goodbye, 452 00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 1: because goodbye is another way we say I love you. 453 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,600 Speaker 1: I love that so and I truly never would have 454 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,360 Speaker 1: thought about it like that. So I am so grateful 455 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 1: for that. And on that note of of close family 456 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,800 Speaker 1: members dying, what if it's a suicide, how do you 457 00:28:11,880 --> 00:28:14,920 Speaker 1: explain suicide to kids? How do you explain suicide to 458 00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:19,879 Speaker 1: other family members? Right, So, the science around this has changed, 459 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,639 Speaker 1: and we haven't kept up with it. Our culture hasn't 460 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:28,040 Speaker 1: kept up with it. The science shows us now that addiction, 461 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 1: mental illness, death by suicide are real illnesses that occur 462 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:38,840 Speaker 1: in our mind. They're not a choice. No one chooses 463 00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,360 Speaker 1: to be suicidal or chooses to be addicted. And so 464 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,560 Speaker 1: when I explain it to kids, I might say, do 465 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,480 Speaker 1: you know how you can die from something in your body? 466 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,440 Speaker 1: Your heart is not working right, your kidneys aren't working right, 467 00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,440 Speaker 1: your lungs aren't working right. You can also die from 468 00:28:56,560 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 1: illnesses in your mind. And an illness in our mind 469 00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:04,280 Speaker 1: is called an addiction, it's called suicidal thoughts, it's called 470 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:09,720 Speaker 1: mental illness or being mentally compromised. And we have to 471 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:14,920 Speaker 1: help people understand that these are real illnesses that get 472 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:19,560 Speaker 1: progressively worse, and people die from them even if they 473 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:24,840 Speaker 1: get treatment sometimes, and we always have so much blame 474 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 1: around addiction and death by suicide, And I often think 475 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,800 Speaker 1: of what we call the three CS for family members 476 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:37,560 Speaker 1: to realize you didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, 477 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:44,720 Speaker 1: and you couldn't cure it. Right. So i've when it 478 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:49,600 Speaker 1: comes to somebody who is sick or somebody who's in 479 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,760 Speaker 1: the hospital. I remember when I was younger and my 480 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,600 Speaker 1: grandmother was dying. She was sick in the hospital, and 481 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: I remember going in to see her, but I don't 482 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:02,240 Speaker 1: remember really why we were there, Like I didn't know 483 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 1: that she was dying, right, So how would you go 484 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:10,200 Speaker 1: about explaining to your kids or to your loved ones 485 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,320 Speaker 1: that somebody is dying but they're not dead yet, And 486 00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:17,920 Speaker 1: how do you how do you talk to the person 487 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:22,200 Speaker 1: who's sick without right. So first of all, we always 488 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,600 Speaker 1: want to start with the death of a person with 489 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,080 Speaker 1: a child, but I think it's important that we begin 490 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,000 Speaker 1: to just point out to our children, look how the 491 00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:35,160 Speaker 1: leaves change. For every spring, there's a summer. Every summer 492 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:38,760 Speaker 1: there's a fall, every fall there's a winter. You know, 493 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:44,200 Speaker 1: every flower that blooms dies, every plant that grows dies. 494 00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:49,840 Speaker 1: Our pets, unfortunately and time, will die, and so will we. 495 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: And we don't have control over that. But we have 496 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,080 Speaker 1: control over how much love and how much fun and 497 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,320 Speaker 1: how much care and how it's life we have while 498 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:05,480 Speaker 1: we're here. So let's appreciate that flower while it's blooming. 499 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:11,160 Speaker 1: Let's appreciate those brown leaves that are getting older. And 500 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 1: so I think we have to start with all that 501 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:16,880 Speaker 1: stuff with our kids. And then when we go to 502 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,920 Speaker 1: the hospital, we can go you know, the reality is 503 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:24,520 Speaker 1: is that you know, Grandma is going to be dying soon. 504 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,160 Speaker 1: And what we can do while we're there is we 505 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: can rub lotion on Grandma's hand. We can talk to 506 00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:35,680 Speaker 1: Grandma about some fun times we had with her, and 507 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 1: begin to teach them how to reminisce and how to 508 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,200 Speaker 1: tell someone you love them and appreciate them. And what 509 00:31:42,360 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 1: if you're a parent and your child is sick, like 510 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:48,160 Speaker 1: your child has pediatric cancer, and you're going to visit 511 00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,720 Speaker 1: them every day, is it best to just be strong 512 00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 1: and happy every day or should you show your emotions? 513 00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,320 Speaker 1: Like well, I'll tell you I actually started at Children's 514 00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: hospital in Los Angeles and I worked in the cancer 515 00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:04,240 Speaker 1: unit there, and I can tell you the kids like 516 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,080 Speaker 1: knew they were dying, and the kids could talk about 517 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,880 Speaker 1: it more than their parents could. You know, the parents, 518 00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:16,480 Speaker 1: of course, it's just so heartbreaking to have a child dying, 519 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,840 Speaker 1: so it's going to be harder for the parent to 520 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:22,720 Speaker 1: talk about it. That's why it's good, Like you know, 521 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:26,479 Speaker 1: in children's hospitals, they have child life specialists and social 522 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:29,520 Speaker 1: workers and people who are good at helping us with 523 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,960 Speaker 1: those conversations so that we don't have to figure those 524 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:39,000 Speaker 1: out right. And then for somebody who said they lost 525 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,640 Speaker 1: the love of their life and they think they will 526 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: never love again, what are your thoughts on that? Well, 527 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,960 Speaker 1: so here's the thing. So let's first start with breakups 528 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:53,080 Speaker 1: and divorce. With breakups and divorce, part of the problem 529 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:57,400 Speaker 1: is we grieve the person who's leaving us. Are divorcing us. 530 00:32:58,280 --> 00:33:02,960 Speaker 1: But the second part is we grieve the the idea 531 00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:06,480 Speaker 1: that they were the one and we think we've lost 532 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,800 Speaker 1: the one. And I have to remind people because I 533 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,080 Speaker 1: do retreats also on breakups and divorce and betrayal. We 534 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:17,000 Speaker 1: have to remind people the one is not the person 535 00:33:17,160 --> 00:33:22,240 Speaker 1: who leaves you. That's not your one. So but we're 536 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:26,280 Speaker 1: grieving because we think they are the one, and you 537 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,560 Speaker 1: have to grieve the person. And the other thing is 538 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,360 Speaker 1: I think we have lots of people in our lives. 539 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,680 Speaker 1: I'm not a believer that there's one soul mate. I 540 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:39,040 Speaker 1: mean I think sometimes there might be someone who we're 541 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:42,280 Speaker 1: supposed to be within our twenties and someone else were 542 00:33:42,360 --> 00:33:46,280 Speaker 1: within our thirties and forties and fifties. I mean, life changes, 543 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:49,520 Speaker 1: you know. I think we're different than our grandparents that 544 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: like every relationship was for life, no matter what right. 545 00:33:55,440 --> 00:34:00,240 Speaker 1: And also what we see often happen in breakups is 546 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,520 Speaker 1: one person will send a text message or something saying 547 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,840 Speaker 1: if you don't call me back, I'm going to kill myself, 548 00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,520 Speaker 1: or if you don't get back together with me, I'm 549 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:12,840 Speaker 1: going to end my life. What are some ways to 550 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:15,960 Speaker 1: handle when that happens if you're in a toxic relationship, 551 00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,759 Speaker 1: and if you're in a toxic relationship like that, it's 552 00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,719 Speaker 1: really so challenging. And what I'm going to say is 553 00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:28,560 Speaker 1: so hard to do. You have two text back, I'm 554 00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:32,239 Speaker 1: not equipped for this. Here is the number to the 555 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:38,320 Speaker 1: suicide hotline. I wish you well, I I want you 556 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:40,879 Speaker 1: to be happy. I want you to have a great life. 557 00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:47,239 Speaker 1: Please help yourself call this number right And because the 558 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:52,279 Speaker 1: reality is sometimes it's a manipulation, sometimes it's not, and 559 00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 1: you really need a professional to sort that out. But 560 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:59,760 Speaker 1: I mean, obviously, if you're up to it, call that person, 561 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:04,560 Speaker 1: text that person, But if you feel like you know 562 00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,520 Speaker 1: at some point you're not equipped for it, you just 563 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,200 Speaker 1: have to be honest that I don't know how to 564 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:13,960 Speaker 1: do this, but I want you to get care. I 565 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:17,400 Speaker 1: want you to be happy. I care about you. Please 566 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:20,440 Speaker 1: call this line to get some help or two a 567 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:24,520 Speaker 1: three way conversation with them on the suicide hotline, because 568 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,279 Speaker 1: you want to be there for them, you want to care, 569 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:31,000 Speaker 1: but you also don't want to deal with something you 570 00:35:31,120 --> 00:35:33,800 Speaker 1: don't know how to deal with. And sometimes it's a 571 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,520 Speaker 1: repeated thing and you almost get like a scab to 572 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:40,799 Speaker 1: it because every tile And that's the thing I mean, 573 00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,320 Speaker 1: you know, suicide is such a serious thing. Uh, it 574 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,360 Speaker 1: is not a great idea when people use it for 575 00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:51,879 Speaker 1: manipulation in a relationship. Because we want to make sure 576 00:35:52,120 --> 00:35:56,680 Speaker 1: everyone who's having suicidal thoughts gets care and love and 577 00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:00,279 Speaker 1: knows they are needed and uh and want to here. 578 00:36:00,440 --> 00:36:03,080 Speaker 1: And that's why we have to be careful not to 579 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:08,080 Speaker 1: make those confusing messages. What is your personal experience with 580 00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:12,239 Speaker 1: grief and how did you get past it? You know, 581 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:14,399 Speaker 1: I don't know that I get past and I think 582 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,239 Speaker 1: you learned to live with it. And uh, you know, look, 583 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:19,239 Speaker 1: I grew up with a mother who died when I 584 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:22,120 Speaker 1: was thirteen and there was a mass shooting at the time. 585 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,359 Speaker 1: And you know, I've had a child it's died. I've 586 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:28,840 Speaker 1: had relationships that have gone sour, like most of us do. 587 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:32,200 Speaker 1: I mean, at a certain point in life, stuff goes wrong. 588 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:37,800 Speaker 1: And yet you realize everyone in this life gets something. 589 00:36:38,840 --> 00:36:41,040 Speaker 1: You know, I had a son who died, but someone 590 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:44,879 Speaker 1: else got raped, someone else got assaulted, someone else's house 591 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:49,760 Speaker 1: burned down. Everyone gets something. Our job is to find 592 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:54,600 Speaker 1: healing in our something, whatever it may be. And part 593 00:36:54,680 --> 00:36:57,680 Speaker 1: of writing this book is actually my healing. And I 594 00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,480 Speaker 1: hope to people who read this new book find meaning, 595 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 1: they're going to find, you know, healing in it, reading 596 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:07,680 Speaker 1: it the way I did in writing it. And do 597 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,400 Speaker 1: you think do you have any kind of like closing 598 00:37:10,760 --> 00:37:14,759 Speaker 1: comments or anything you could say to our listeners who 599 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,000 Speaker 1: are listening to this right now feeling emotional, feeling lost 600 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:23,439 Speaker 1: and wanting to connect. Sure, you are not grieving wrong. 601 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,399 Speaker 1: Your body knows how to do this, Your soul knows 602 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,839 Speaker 1: how to do this. So honor what you're feeling. Let 603 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:34,400 Speaker 1: go of all your should's if you're judging yourself that 604 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,080 Speaker 1: you should be over it, or a family members telling 605 00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:40,400 Speaker 1: you to move on, to let go of all that 606 00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:43,760 Speaker 1: and really honor what you're feeling. I hope that people 607 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:47,759 Speaker 1: will connect with me on social media my handles or 608 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,759 Speaker 1: I am David Kessler. They can find me on Instagram 609 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:54,960 Speaker 1: and Facebook under I am David Kessler. And to you know, 610 00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,400 Speaker 1: check out the book Finding Meaning the Sixth Stage. I 611 00:37:58,480 --> 00:38:04,360 Speaker 1: do lots of retreats around loved ones dying or breakups, divorce. 612 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:06,759 Speaker 1: You can find them at grief dot com. Just look 613 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:10,359 Speaker 1: under events and know that you're not alone. You are 614 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:12,759 Speaker 1: not alone, and we can be here for each other. 615 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:17,040 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for today. I truly appreciate it. Oh, 616 00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:20,360 Speaker 1: thank you for doing this. I really appreciate it too. Okay, 617 00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:28,759 Speaker 1: tux In take care, and before you guys go, a 618 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:33,280 Speaker 1: big thank you to Tokaya Organica. The rapidly expanding fresh, casual, 619 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:38,120 Speaker 1: modern Mexican restaurant chain and my kiddo's favorite. Tokaya creates 620 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:40,520 Speaker 1: both the date worthy atmosphere and the perfect place to 621 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:43,600 Speaker 1: grab a few tacos with friends at lunchtime, as each 622 00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:48,080 Speaker 1: location includes an upscale bar area featuring fresh, handmade cocktails 623 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,279 Speaker 1: delicious Whish I could have one of those right now. 624 00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:54,400 Speaker 1: The menu is fully vegan forward, yet accommodates a variety 625 00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:58,320 Speaker 1: of other dietary preferences, using quality produce as its foundation. 626 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:00,640 Speaker 1: Between now and the end of the year, for every 627 00:39:00,719 --> 00:39:03,480 Speaker 1: fifty dollar gift card you buy for someone on your 628 00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,200 Speaker 1: holiday shopping list, you'll receive a ten dollar bonus gift 629 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:09,919 Speaker 1: card for yourself. Visit Tokaya Organica dot com to find 630 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:17,160 Speaker 1: your nearest location. So I think in closing, there's no 631 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,800 Speaker 1: right way or wrong way to grieve, you know, we 632 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:24,440 Speaker 1: just have to feel our emotions, be honest with ourselves 633 00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:28,320 Speaker 1: and know that we're not alone. And if we remember 634 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:32,320 Speaker 1: those things, it's going to make some days easier, and 635 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:35,880 Speaker 1: you know what, some days it's not, but that's okay. 636 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:41,400 Speaker 1: So I, you know, I hope that this podcast was 637 00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:44,440 Speaker 1: able to give you some tools but also just remind 638 00:39:44,520 --> 00:39:47,320 Speaker 1: you that you are supported and there are people that 639 00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:50,040 Speaker 1: you can talk to. So you can either reach out 640 00:39:50,080 --> 00:39:53,759 Speaker 1: to David Kessler um David Kessler dot org. He has 641 00:39:53,840 --> 00:39:56,760 Speaker 1: a lot of different ways that you can join a community, 642 00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:59,640 Speaker 1: or you, of course are welcome to email us at 643 00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:02,520 Speaker 1: Teddy T at I heart radio dot com or through 644 00:40:02,600 --> 00:40:06,880 Speaker 1: Teddy T Podcast on Instagram. We love your questions, we 645 00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,840 Speaker 1: want to get them answered. We feel you, we hear you, 646 00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:14,320 Speaker 1: and we're there for you. Thanks guys, thanks for listening. 647 00:40:14,800 --> 00:40:17,600 Speaker 1: Subscribe to Teddy T pot on I Heart Radio or 648 00:40:17,719 --> 00:40:19,239 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to podcasts.