Speaker 1: Iami Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. I spent
Speaker 1: time in a relationship with a married man. I had
Speaker 1: to learn the skills and tools required to make my
Speaker 1: relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the R Spot,
Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. There's
Speaker 1: a story that I heard when I was in seminary
Speaker 1: about a country minister who used to go every Sunday
Speaker 1: after church to one of his parishioner's homes to have
Speaker 1: dinner because he was unmarried. And there was this one couple.
Speaker 1: The wife was a dynamite cook, so he liked to
Speaker 1: go there very often. He'd go to their home and
Speaker 1: he'd walk up on this port and they had a
Speaker 1: huge hound dog, one of the brown hound dogs with
Speaker 1: the hanging face and the long floppy ears, and how
Speaker 1: dog would be laying on the porch whining. He he'd
Speaker 1: walk past the dog and look at him. He'd look
Speaker 1: at it. He'd go on and eat his dinner. He'd
Speaker 1: come out, the dog was laying there whining. Next week
Speaker 1: he went back, same thing, walk up on the porch.
Speaker 1: The dog is in the same spot whining. He'd dinner
Speaker 1: come out. Dog is in the same spot. So by
Speaker 1: the fourth or fifth week, he turned to the farmer
Speaker 1: and his wife and he said, every time I come here,
Speaker 1: your dog is whining. Is there something wrong with him?
Speaker 1: And the farmer looked at him and said, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: he's laying on a nail. He said, laying on a nail. Well,
Speaker 1: why doesn't he move? And the farmer said, because it
Speaker 1: doesn't hurt bad enough. We will stay in situations whining
Speaker 1: and complaining and making everybody and everything wrong, laying on
Speaker 1: the same nail, but we will not move until it
Speaker 1: hurts bad enough. My next guess is a prime exam
Speaker 1: of what it looks like to lay on in hell.
Speaker 1: Hi Daphney, thank you so much for holding on and
Speaker 1: welcome to the R spot. How can I support you today?
Speaker 2: I am getting married twenty two years this year, and
Speaker 2: it's just kind of getting fading now. I met this
Speaker 2: man when I was seventeen, he was nineteen. Now I'm
Speaker 2: forty seven, four children, and it seems like everybody else
Speaker 2: is upfront and I'm pushed back. I don't have any
Speaker 2: affection anymore. I'm getting better. I'm sorry, but you're not
Speaker 2: showing me. You're sorry, So I'm just kind of fading
Speaker 2: fading away. I'm trying to hold on. I am trying,
Speaker 2: but the more I try, it seems like we're just
Speaker 2: gonna be apart.
Speaker 1: You said, I'm holding on. What are you holding on to?
Speaker 2: I guess the relationship or maybe I'm saying it wrong.
Speaker 2: I love them, but it's like we're roommates now instead
Speaker 2: of being husband and wife.
Speaker 1: So what do you do together?
Speaker 2: We used to do date nights, a lot of activities together.
Speaker 2: Now it's just like we don't really do anything together,
Speaker 2: spend quality time together like we used to. And it's
Speaker 2: just making it father and father apart. And now that
Speaker 2: my children are older, they're seeing things. You know, I
Speaker 2: would growing up try to make everything happy in the household,
Speaker 2: and everything went well, But now that they're getting older
Speaker 2: and seeing it, be like, man, everything you try to
Speaker 2: do is an argument. Why my daddy want to argue
Speaker 2: with you? I don't know. And if sometimes I just
Speaker 2: get frustrated with I just leave. I shouldn't leave the home,
Speaker 2: but I do.
Speaker 1: Why do you stay if you want a husband and
Speaker 1: you have a roommate, and you have someone who's not
Speaker 1: making the efforts to rekindle the love ship. Why do
Speaker 1: you stay?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I guess the only thing that's probably
Speaker 2: keeping me now is I have a seventeen year old
Speaker 2: and I'm just trying to get him through high school.
Speaker 2: I guess I'm just to that point now. I'm just
Speaker 2: like whatever, So.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna ask you again. You feel unhappy, you feel diminished,
Speaker 1: you feel denied, you feel ignored. Why do you stay?
Speaker 2: That's a good question. I just don't know.
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you did know, because see I come from
Speaker 1: the old school where this it's impossible for you not
Speaker 1: to know what's going on inside of you. Maybe you
Speaker 1: haven't asked, but you do know that. Let me rephrase
Speaker 1: the question, maybe this will be more helpful. Why would
Speaker 1: a woman who's been married to someone for twenty two
Speaker 1: years who, for the last how many years have you
Speaker 1: been denied, dismissed, ignored? Push to deside how many years?
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say the last six seven years?
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So why would a woman who's been married
Speaker 1: for twenty two years stay in a marriage where for
Speaker 1: the last six or seven years she's been ignored, denied, dismissed, diminished,
Speaker 1: hasn't been fulfilled or happy or satisfied or pleased. Why
Speaker 1: would she stay? A woman? Not you, a woman, any woman?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that's a hard one. Why would you
Speaker 2: say that is complete?
Speaker 1: Why would she? Let's just explore it. Let's just throw
Speaker 1: everything on the wall and see what sticks. She would
Speaker 1: stay because family, okay, for family, just trying to.
Speaker 2: Fill in the gaps where it once was a great
Speaker 2: marriage but now it is just completed away. I don't know.
Speaker 2: I'm kind of lost.
Speaker 1: We're not talking about you. We're talking about a woman. Okay,
Speaker 1: we're not talking about you. Get out of this woman's marriage.
Speaker 1: We're talking about a woman. Why would she stay?
Speaker 2: I'm just, I guess, trying to make it work and
Speaker 2: it's just not working. Be wanted to work again, it's
Speaker 2: not working. I mean, you know how you say you're
Speaker 2: doing something and then your actions show difference. So maybe
Speaker 2: she's trying to make it work.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's afraid.
Speaker 2: To leave, that's true, thanks to be it.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because the marriage is a habit, that's true.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because it's familiar.
Speaker 2: That's true, because you can't get comfortable in it. You
Speaker 2: can get comfortable like Okay.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because she doesn't want to take responsibility
Speaker 1: for her own happiness. Maybe maybe not could be who knows.
Speaker 1: Maybe she's staying because it's more comfortable to complain about
Speaker 1: it and be confused about it than it is to
Speaker 1: grow the courage to do something about it. Maybe maybe
Speaker 1: not could be, who knows?
Speaker 2: That's true?
Speaker 1: Oh well, so you do have some ideas, that's true.
Speaker 1: Imagine that?
Speaker 2: Uh huh, because I'm like, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: Is it still a marriage?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Why what makes it a marriage?
Speaker 2: I guess all the foundation that we built since we
Speaker 2: started out nothing, and we have accomplished a lot of
Speaker 2: stuff together.
Speaker 1: As a minister, I don't know any place in the
Speaker 1: marriage where it says, you know what, y'all bill together
Speaker 1: you will have I know, better or worse, rich, your poorer,
Speaker 1: sickness and in health?
Speaker 2: True?
Speaker 1: Okay, till death do you part? Death of what? Death
Speaker 1: of communication? Do you communicate with him?
Speaker 2: It's some communication? Lacking?
Speaker 1: Okay, lacking all? Right? Death of affection? Are you all
Speaker 1: affectionate towards one another?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Death of intimacy? I mean, are you all still knocking boots?
Speaker 2: Nope?
Speaker 1: Oh, no communication, no affection, no intimacy. Do you all
Speaker 1: share finance, answer responsibility.
Speaker 2: Yes, well I say yes and no. He was laid
Speaker 2: off due to COVID. So he's been off like a
Speaker 2: year going on two years and nothing, nothing, And you
Speaker 2: don't see any.
Speaker 1: You don't see any what say? I don't see any what.
Speaker 2: I don't see no growth after the COVID thing. I
Speaker 2: don't see anything you're trying to do to make the
Speaker 2: situation better.
Speaker 1: Well, let me just offer just another consideration here for that,
Speaker 1: Because you know, men are doers. Men like to do.
Speaker 1: That's how they get their value, that's how they get
Speaker 1: their meaning. So when a man loses his job, he
Speaker 1: really loses his focus, he loses his purpose, he loses
Speaker 1: his value, he loses his meaning, and sometimes it's hard
Speaker 1: for them to you know, crank that up again. Just
Speaker 1: a consideration, not an excuse, just the consideration. So there's
Speaker 1: no communication, there's no affection, there's no intimacy, shared finances.
Speaker 1: Could you please tell me what makes us still a marriage?
Speaker 2: Hmm, that's a good question, I say, good.
Speaker 1: What do you have a good answer.
Speaker 2: I don't. I'm just lost, just falling my way up through,
Speaker 2: you know, just trying to maintain and it's just getting
Speaker 2: to be overwhelming. That it's like team effort, but it's
Speaker 2: only one fighting on the team. It's hard to pull
Speaker 2: us together if we're not all if we're not together
Speaker 2: as a team. I just don't feel that.
Speaker 1: What do you want?
Speaker 2: I want it to be better. I want it that
Speaker 2: like it was, but improved better. It's to the point
Speaker 2: now I just I don't want to deal with it,
Speaker 2: you know. So I was trying to see what other
Speaker 2: solution could help me with this. Maybe something I'm missing
Speaker 2: because I know I'm trying to I'm trying to hold
Speaker 2: the torch.
Speaker 1: Being second makes you feel what angry?
Speaker 2: I'm overwhelming, I'm frustrated. It cause the argument, any little thing,
Speaker 2: he's something snapping his head off. They feel sad that
Speaker 2: you would choose, you know, like that now myself, I
Speaker 2: don't do that with him. I try to make everything
Speaker 2: just as pleasant to have. The house moves going, and
Speaker 2: I'm the sportsholder now and you just kind of laid back, like, Okay,
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go with the flow with this instead of
Speaker 2: saying I will help you to make this better.
Speaker 1: And what is the consequence of him not doing better?
Speaker 1: What has the consequence been beside your fussing and arguing.
Speaker 1: What's the consequence.
Speaker 2: Let's fussing and argument, So.
Speaker 1: Why should he change? He knows how to deal with
Speaker 1: your fussing and arguing. He knows that'll go on for
Speaker 1: a day or two. He ain't giving you no nookie,
Speaker 1: so you can't take that from him. He's not showing
Speaker 1: you no affection, so you can't take that from him.
Speaker 1: Y'all are arguing, so they're lacking communication, So why should
Speaker 1: he change?
Speaker 2: That's true, he's got I say, comfortable, accustomed to what's
Speaker 2: going on.
Speaker 1: It's a happit, that's what happens. So tell me what
Speaker 1: it is that you don't want to do.
Speaker 2: I don't want to feel like I'm bogged down with everything,
Speaker 2: with the most of the responsibility.
Speaker 1: What else? You don't want to feel like you're being used?
Speaker 1: You don't want to feel like you're being bogged down.
Speaker 1: None of those are feelings. But okay, go ahead. What
Speaker 1: else don't you want to do?
Speaker 2: I feel disrespected with that.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be disrespected.
Speaker 2: Yeah, how about it?
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave? Is that true? Is that accurate?
Speaker 2: Yes? I don't want to leave, But then again, I
Speaker 2: get frustrated out say yeah, I'm gonna leave. You know,
Speaker 2: I go away a couple of days. I should not
Speaker 2: have to leave security at my home to go somewhere
Speaker 2: else in the hotel.
Speaker 1: Really, that's the choice you may. Yeah, So if you
Speaker 1: are complaining about staying, I call that laying on the nail.
Speaker 1: You laying on a nail and the nail hurts, but
Speaker 1: you are not willing to move. So you have a choice.
Speaker 1: You're either going to learn how to operate in it
Speaker 1: as it is and just let it continue to go
Speaker 1: on and see what's happening, or you're going to get
Speaker 1: up off the nail, beloved, and we'll talk about that
Speaker 1: when we come back. Welcome back to the RSPOD. I
Speaker 1: can't tell you what to do, but I will tell
Speaker 1: you this. You'd either get up off the nail, or
Speaker 1: you would insist you'd put some fire under his behind
Speaker 1: and there would be some consequences to his lack of
Speaker 1: participation in what's left of this union, because I don't
Speaker 1: call it a marriage anymore. It's a union of two people.
Speaker 1: So I want you to hear this very clearly. Either
Speaker 1: you're going to stay and figure out how to bring
Speaker 1: yourself to peace, to joy, the happiness, to whatever it
Speaker 1: is that you want with this thing exactly as it is,
Speaker 1: because you don't want to leave, or you're going to
Speaker 1: stop complaining and do something about it, which might mean leave,
Speaker 1: or it might mean ask him the league, or it
Speaker 1: might mean I don't know, you have to come up
Speaker 1: with that. But just to keep complaining about it, it's
Speaker 1: not helpful and it's not going to turn out well
Speaker 1: for you.
Speaker 2: That's true.
Speaker 1: I want to recommend a resource for you. It's a
Speaker 1: book by a woman named Stormy Armonton, and it's based
Speaker 1: in traditional Christian or church philosophy, but there's a lot
Speaker 1: of real good information in the book. Most of all,
Speaker 1: there are a lot of powerful prayers in the book,
Speaker 1: and it's called The Power of a Praying Wife. And
Speaker 1: there's a story in that book about a woman in
Speaker 1: your exact situation. And that's why I'm recommending that book,
Speaker 1: The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormy s t
Speaker 1: O r m I e ormititon O r m I
Speaker 1: t A N. And I don't know where you are
Speaker 1: in your faith walk or whatever. Don't get caught up
Speaker 1: in the scriptures and the Bible stuff. Read the stories
Speaker 1: and look at the practices that she gives you because
Speaker 1: she teaches you or she shares in that book how
Speaker 1: a complaining wife can pray to improve her husband and
Speaker 1: her marriage. Okay, work with that, and I want to
Speaker 1: offer you this possibility. See how you can do this.
Speaker 1: Instead of complaining about what he's not doing and what
Speaker 1: you don't have, start blessing what you do have. Thank
Speaker 1: you God that my husband is healthy. Thank you for
Speaker 1: my home. You know, I bless my husband's mind. That
Speaker 1: bless his feet. I mean, you know, I bless his
Speaker 1: soul that he can get the courage and the motivation
Speaker 1: he needs to go back out there. Start blessing him
Speaker 1: and stop com plaining. That's one way you can get
Speaker 1: up off the nail. Don't tell anybody else how frustrated
Speaker 1: overwhelmed you are. Tell it to Jesus. As my grandmother
Speaker 1: would say. I agree, Jesus, I'm feeling I'm feeling frustrated
Speaker 1: in this moment, and I really want to blast my
Speaker 1: husband and bite his head off. Please help me. That's
Speaker 1: what my grandmother would say. Tell your troubles to Jesus.
Speaker 1: And anytime you comes to your mind to tell somebody,
Speaker 1: bless something but you get that book The Power of
Speaker 1: a Praying Wife, because it's real clear to me, you
Speaker 1: ain't going nowhere no time soon.
Speaker 2: I'm definitely will get that. Oh I love love, love yourselves.
Speaker 2: I love the affirmations, all of this stuff. I was just,
Speaker 2: you know, punning across and I said, I need some
Speaker 2: help with this thing, because I was about to go
Speaker 2: to counsel and need that too, probably.
Speaker 1: But well, read that book, work with those practices, and
Speaker 1: let's see where you end up in about sixty days.
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: Thank you, my beloved. Good luck to you.
Speaker 2: All right, thank you.
Speaker 1: Very often in a relationship, what a woman will do
Speaker 1: is take the whole burden of the failure on herself,
Speaker 1: when in fact, in every relationship, each party is one
Speaker 1: hundred percent responsible for what goes on. So the same
Speaker 1: way she's willing to take on the responsibility for this failure,
Speaker 1: he has to be willing to take it on. So
Speaker 1: what happens when you go into a relationship expecting one thing,
Speaker 1: only to get in it and find that you're getting
Speaker 1: something totally different? And what do you do when your
Speaker 1: partner makes you responsible for the thing that is missing?
Speaker 1: That's what we're going to talk about. My next guest
Speaker 1: has a classic example of what happens when you expect
Speaker 1: one thing and get something totally different. Good afternoon, beloved,
Speaker 1: Well to the R spot. Hi, So how are we
Speaker 1: supporting you today? What is the challenge issue dilemma that
Speaker 1: you are bringing to the table.
Speaker 3: From the challenge issue is the lemma is that I
Speaker 3: got married September first, twenty twenty one. We had no
Speaker 3: sex or anything before marriage.
Speaker 2: We did like a really really sweet courtship.
Speaker 3: And the night of our wedding is when I found
Speaker 3: out that he was not attracted to my body. That
Speaker 3: was really interesting for me. He didn't say out of
Speaker 3: his mouth, but I thought in the space. And about
Speaker 3: two weeks later, because we weren't having like any sex
Speaker 3: or anything, you know, new we was you should be
Speaker 3: doing that and we were not, And I was like,
Speaker 3: you know, this is like I'm feeling very deprived and
Speaker 3: very lonely and very like checked and pushing aside. And
Speaker 3: long story short, now we're in April. We had like
Speaker 3: marriage counseling and stuff like that, and can you in
Speaker 3: February and pretty much nothing has changed. It probably has
Speaker 3: sex one time within the last month, and because he's
Speaker 3: not necessarily attracted to my body, I don't get compliments.
Speaker 3: I don't get hugged the way somebody who's attracted to
Speaker 3: you would give you a hug. It's kind of like
Speaker 3: a hug because you're in the house, not really a
Speaker 3: hug because I love you, love you like I don't
Speaker 3: get like we passionate kisses. It's like a kiss in
Speaker 3: the morning to kiss that night. It's like it's almost
Speaker 3: like we've been married for like sixty years and not
Speaker 3: like six months. So it's whack. And typically I can
Speaker 3: manage pretty good. Like I said, not much has changed,
Speaker 3: but like my perspective of how and how I've been
Speaker 3: trying to handle it. But today was just like, Yo,
Speaker 3: this is not normal. I can't live like this forever.
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question, beloved, how long
Speaker 1: did you date before you got married.
Speaker 3: Our courtship was about nine months?
Speaker 1: Nine months. What was the conversation that you had about
Speaker 1: intimacy children? Did you have that conversation?
Speaker 3: Yes, ma'am. I actually specifically asked him what his type
Speaker 3: was like, what he physically liked, and he gave me
Speaker 3: the regular guy answer. I don't have no type I'm like, no, no,
Speaker 3: you have a type. You know what you don't like,
Speaker 3: and you know what you do like. I know what
Speaker 3: I don't like, and I know what I feel like.
Speaker 3: You have to tell me what your type is. And
Speaker 3: it was just I don't have a type. I just
Speaker 3: like what I like, and da da da, And then
Speaker 3: I found out that I wasn't his type. Like see,
Speaker 3: but I asked this question before he got married, so
Speaker 3: I would go into a marriage with you finding out
Speaker 3: that I'm not your cup of tea.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, I want to go back for a moment.
Speaker 1: You married a man that you dated for nine months.
Speaker 1: Right within that nine month courtship period, did you and
Speaker 1: him have a con sation about we're going to not
Speaker 1: going to have sex until we're married, we're going to
Speaker 1: have children. Did you have those kinds of conversations.
Speaker 3: Yes, that was the whole, like the point of like
Speaker 3: the courtship because he came from a relationship where it
Speaker 3: was fornication. I came from a relationship where it was fornication.
Speaker 3: So we decided, Okay, we're going to do it different,
Speaker 3: and we're both those like we got to, you know,
Speaker 3: tighten up. So it was like Okay, let's do it.
Speaker 3: Do it different?
Speaker 1: Okay, so you you're both musslem Okay, that that makes
Speaker 1: sense to me. Then okay, did you have conversations about children?
Speaker 2: Mm?
Speaker 1: Hm And did you decide that you wanted children?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Do you have any?
Speaker 3: No, ma'am, he does any either, and.
Speaker 1: He doesn't either. Okay, So you married a man you
Speaker 1: dated for nine months. You both made a conscious choice
Speaker 1: and decision not to have intimate relationships until after marriage. However,
Speaker 1: after marriage, you both decided that you want to have children.
Speaker 1: So what do we do now? We'll talk about that
Speaker 1: right after this break. Welcome back to be our spot.
Speaker 1: Are you prepared to live a sexless life?
Speaker 2: Oh? No?
Speaker 1: Okay, all right, because it seems like and see, this
Speaker 1: is common. This is a common mistake or a common
Speaker 1: issue that rises in relationships where we don't ask the
Speaker 1: appropriate questions, where we don't make appropriate agreement. You know.
Speaker 1: And my mother taught me something. It's kind of crass
Speaker 1: and nasty, but I'm gonna say it. Okay, Yes, my
Speaker 1: mother taught me that a hard penis has no conscience.
Speaker 1: It will jump into any hole presented. It don't have
Speaker 1: no oddes, It don't have no preference. It doesn't. So
Speaker 1: I'm wondering if the issue here is your boody or
Speaker 1: if your body is an excuse for an underlying issue.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't be opposed to that. I just know what
Speaker 3: he said, Like we had a real big kind of
Speaker 3: like not a blow up and like a loud blow up.
Speaker 3: But I was like, this is back in junior. I like,
Speaker 3: you gotta tell me, like what it is, because for
Speaker 3: the first couple of months he was just very rejecting,
Speaker 3: like I try to kiss him and he's kind of
Speaker 3: like moving out the way, or I want to have
Speaker 3: sense if he wants to go to sleet and it's like, yo,
Speaker 3: like we just got married. You know what just means
Speaker 3: like what the heck is going on?
Speaker 1: Okay, so let me ask you stop right there, stop
Speaker 1: right there, take a breath from me, what is going on?
Speaker 1: Because you know what's going on? I know, you know.
Speaker 3: I just really don't think he's attracted to my body,
Speaker 3: Like genuinely, I don't think that he attracted to my thoughts.
Speaker 1: That is not a Muslim philosophy because women are shrouded
Speaker 1: and covered because the body and according to Islamic tradition,
Speaker 1: Islam make faith. The body is not to be the
Speaker 1: thing that attracts a man to a woman to eyes, but.
Speaker 3: They still have eyes. And then once you naked, then
Speaker 3: they see you. I have fibroids, so it does kind
Speaker 3: of you know, it makes my stomach a little bit bigger.
Speaker 3: And the conversation was kind of around like, once I
Speaker 3: get the fiber becuse I have to get them removed
Speaker 3: anyway that once I get them removed to be attracted. However,
Speaker 3: my worry is that it has nothing to do with
Speaker 3: the fibroids, and it's really just you don't like my body.
Speaker 3: And then I'm gonna give the fibers move and I'm
Speaker 3: gonna still be miserable. And it was the way he
Speaker 3: quite literally said, I like your.
Speaker 1: Faith, beloved, what are you acting like? You don't know?
Speaker 1: I don't know absolutely.
Speaker 3: Well, I swear because I went into the whole you
Speaker 3: cheating on me thing like I did all the reefs.
Speaker 3: I really really we had those like really really deep
Speaker 3: questions and it was like he quite little he said,
Speaker 3: I'm not I'm a tractor through your faith, but as
Speaker 3: far as your body, know, how.
Speaker 1: About is he has a capacity issue or maybe he
Speaker 1: just don't like women, how about that? How about he
Speaker 1: might have ed and as a Muslim man don't know
Speaker 1: how to talk about that. The question for me is
Speaker 1: not what he's saying. The question for me is what
Speaker 1: you're saying. And so very often in relationships, as women,
Speaker 1: we take the entire burden of the relationship not working.
Speaker 1: We place it on our shoulders. So you have fibroids
Speaker 1: and there are women that weigh three four hundred pounds
Speaker 1: that got a man, right, beloved, this is not about
Speaker 1: your body. I could be wrong. I'm willing to be wrong,
Speaker 1: but whatever it's about. You have partnered yourself to a
Speaker 1: man that does not want to be involved in one
Speaker 1: of the basic tenets of intimate relationship, which is intimacy.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Are you willing to stay in a sexuals marriage?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, So what's the next step?
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't necessarily want to get separated. We did
Speaker 3: have the conversation about separation and I told him, like,
Speaker 3: I will, like I can't stay in a sexist marriage
Speaker 3: on an unpassionate marriage and measures that area doesn't have reciprocity,
Speaker 3: So like, I'm willing to leave. He's like, Oh, we're
Speaker 3: going to do better. I'm going to do better? Da
Speaker 3: da da dah Like okay, Well.
Speaker 1: Why is all of the decision making on him? What
Speaker 1: about you? This is your life, your body here, you
Speaker 1: are a vibrant young woman. What are you twenty six? Yes,
Speaker 1: questioning whether or not you are attracted to a man
Speaker 1: that made a commitment to be in relationship with you.
Speaker 1: Why are you giving him all the power? What would
Speaker 1: it take for you to make another choice? Oops? I
Speaker 1: chose him, it didn't work. Are you willing to stay?
Speaker 1: And if you're not, what prevents you from leaving?
Speaker 3: What prevents me from leave? You?
Speaker 1: And the fibroids? What prevents y'all from here? Take your
Speaker 1: fibroids elsewhere?
Speaker 3: I think what prevents me from reading is in every
Speaker 3: other area. He's a really good person and I really
Speaker 3: really like him. The only thing that has been just this,
Speaker 3: like brain cloud since literally the night we got married,
Speaker 3: has been the sex of it all.
Speaker 1: How insulting, how degrading, how disrespectful, how dishonorable. So you're
Speaker 1: gonna bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate that, and
Speaker 1: hear me, I would never advocate the dissolution of a marriage.
Speaker 1: What I will always advocate is self preservation. Now, if
Speaker 1: he were on the phone with me, I would ask
Speaker 1: him the same thing. If he was selling me the
Speaker 1: story that he's not attracted to your body and he
Speaker 1: has married you, I would ask him, is it fair
Speaker 1: for you to ask her to stay in a sexless
Speaker 1: marriage because of your limitations? I would ask him that question.
Speaker 1: So the question here is, if you're not willing to
Speaker 1: stay in a sexless marriage, then why do you continue
Speaker 1: to give yourself excuses and reasons and rationales for staying.
Speaker 1: Why are you so willing to deny yourself nineteen months?
Speaker 1: You can make that up as one lap around the track.
Speaker 1: Very often in relationships, as women, we have a difficult
Speaker 1: time with two things. One, we want to be chosen. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so when the man chooses us, it gives us, you know,
Speaker 1: the red badge of courage. And then two we have
Speaker 1: a difficult time admitting, oops, made a mistake. This is
Speaker 1: a mistake, and I get to choose again, so I
Speaker 1: can talk to you until my lips fall off. But
Speaker 1: there's some clear choices that you're going to have to
Speaker 1: make here. Number one, choose. Let me put it this way,
Speaker 1: vote for you, and a vote for you would be
Speaker 1: a man who accepts you exactly as you are, not
Speaker 1: that you got to get something lifted or tucked or
Speaker 1: removed or taken out. A man who loves you and
Speaker 1: accepts you exactly as you are, A man who is
Speaker 1: willing to be intimate with you, A man who's willing
Speaker 1: to play his role in a partnership. So let me
Speaker 1: ask you this, What does the Quran say about a
Speaker 1: man who rejects his wife? What does the Quran say
Speaker 1: about that?
Speaker 3: It's so many words. It talks about how by basically
Speaker 3: a man can you know he could do all the
Speaker 3: things go into the hair after to try to go
Speaker 3: into their after. But any man that doesn't treat his
Speaker 3: wife and his children well will not make it. So
Speaker 3: that's the same point of a man who does not,
Speaker 3: who rejects his wife or doesn't treat her well.
Speaker 1: Alrighty, so are you gonna ride that train with him
Speaker 1: to the not after life?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: And if you choose that this is the man that
Speaker 1: gives you everything else other than intimacy, other than sex,
Speaker 1: and you choose as a twenty six year old woman,
Speaker 1: that you're willing to spend your life in that and
Speaker 1: wait until he either changes or live a sexless life.
Speaker 1: Then that's okay, but make that choice for you, not
Speaker 1: because he says he doesn't. He's not attracted to your body.
Speaker 1: And if you choose not to, okay, oops, he chose me,
Speaker 1: but I chose the wrong one. I'm out. Then make
Speaker 1: your exit plan and you don't need his agreement. That's
Speaker 1: the piece here, beloved, you don't need his agreement. And
Speaker 1: I'm not sure it's honorable, respectful, or required for you
Speaker 1: to spend time wondering what's wrong with your body that
Speaker 1: this man doesn't want because the truth is, if you
Speaker 1: were intimate with him, his eyes would be closed and
Speaker 1: he wouldn't see your body anyway, you know. And I'm
Speaker 1: not putting him down. He has a right to like
Speaker 1: what he likes, and some people are not attracted. I
Speaker 1: don't understand why he didn't make that decision or that
Speaker 1: choice before you know, he made this commitment, so he's
Speaker 1: not honoring his commitment. But it's up to you. What
Speaker 1: do you want? Vote for you and you don't have
Speaker 1: to have a discussion about it. All you have to
Speaker 1: do is make the choice and make the decision and
Speaker 1: create your strategy. A woman has three a's that she
Speaker 1: has to share with her mate, which is acknowledgment, acknowledgment
Speaker 1: of what he does, appreciation for how he does it,
Speaker 1: and acceptance of who he is. Those are our a's
Speaker 1: and you can add to that affirmation. So you want
Speaker 1: to acknowledge, you want to affirm, you want to appreciate,
Speaker 1: you want to accept. That's what women are called to
Speaker 1: do in their loving relationships. Men have the four peas.
Speaker 1: That is, to provide That means to make sure you
Speaker 1: have food, clothing, shelter, protect keep you from physical and
Speaker 1: other harm. To perform, which means all levels of performance,
Speaker 1: from taking the trash out to getting in the bed
Speaker 1: and rocking your word. And to please, to do those
Speaker 1: things that bring a smile to your face. So he
Speaker 1: may have the provide and the protect, but he's falling
Speaker 1: real short on the perform and please, So you're getting
Speaker 1: two out of the four piece. All right, eat your peace,
Speaker 1: Eat your peace. So if I had to leave you
Speaker 1: with a prescription, that prescription would be either choose to
Speaker 1: stay and be okay with it the way it is
Speaker 1: not question yourself but totally accept him as he is,
Speaker 1: which means denying a major part of yourself or choose
Speaker 1: not to stay because this is not how you want
Speaker 1: to live your life. Acknowledge that you may have made
Speaker 1: an error, Know that that error is not fatal, and
Speaker 1: that there's something better. Because if you want so much
Speaker 1: to be with a man who doesn't want you, imagine
Speaker 1: how good it will be to be with a man
Speaker 1: who does.
Speaker 3: Oh yes, lord.
Speaker 1: M all right, my beloved, let me know how you
Speaker 1: make out. Give me a give me a call, and
Speaker 1: let's say ninety days and tell me where you are. Okay, yes, okay,
Speaker 1: my love, be well, bye bye, laying on the nail.
Speaker 1: And the truth is you will lay on that nail
Speaker 1: and whine and moan and complain until you do something
Speaker 1: about it. And if you're not willing to get up
Speaker 1: off the now, the very least you can do is
Speaker 1: do something to make you feel better while you're laying there.
Speaker 1: I am Yamla and thank you for tuning in. If
Speaker 1: you have questions insights about this or any other relationship
Speaker 1: issue and you would like to explore it here on
Speaker 1: the R spot, you can call me live at seven
Speaker 1: seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight, and
Speaker 1: be sure to follow me on social media for the
Speaker 1: call in times in the meantime, stay in peace, not pieceless.
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
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